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Here is all the content that MadJack has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
We all know this feeling...
Today's Dilbert: http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2013-03-17/
[By: MadJack]
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And when I find the angel of competence, I am going to shove that marker somewhere uncomfortable... -TechieSidhe
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2.
42!
Don't forget, it's Douglas Adams' 61st today (or, would have been anyway).
Guide widget on Google! :D
[By: MadJack]
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So long and thanks for all the fish! - DarkRookie
Check out google.com doodle for today. -MarloVino
Even the Google icon on the search results was modified. That doesn't happen often. -buitre
christ! now were IS that towel? space suite, soap, rations, EVA pod, sub etha senso-matic, JoJunta 2000 sunglasses. -Harm
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3.
Arrgh!
Sorry, just venting. Having an 'Office Space' moment with our one mission-critical printer. On-site techs have been out here almost every 'business' day for the last week; & the damn thing keeps giving '0094' errors w/o warning, to the point you can't print shit. They replaced a part just this afternoon, cleaned it, made 200 copies, and it's even WORSE than ever. (Yes, it's a BizHub C35.) "I swear to God one of these days I'm just going to kick this piece of shit out of the window!" (Times like this I REALLY wish I could...)
[By: MadJack]
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'PC Load Letter'? What the f@ck does that mean? -Griffin2020
It means close the paper tray. :D -MaskedMarauder
I tried to print shit once.... all I got was crap! (yes Konica units are both) -Jax
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4.
I'm a technician now!
So, over the weekend, our all-in-one printer begin printing vertical lines down the center of copies. (Only on copies.) Monday, my property manager (whom I have mentioned, in the past, is a complete neophyte when it comes to office electronics) apparently called the company we lease it from to get a service call for the machine. This morning, I hear the following exchange between her and our head of housekeeping: "They said the plate glass you put copies on was dirty, and we should clean it off. So, I had *housekeeper* wipe it off, and it stopped doing it. I'm a technician now!"
[By: MadJack]
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Great, you can now forward ALL tech calls to their extension. -Stryker One
I weep for humanity... Why did the comet have to miss us?... -unrenowned
I laughed at this, because as a copier tech myself I bet half of our calls about lines on copies are fixed by cleaning the glass -Roughrider
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7.
Today's Dilbert
http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2012-02-12/
[By: MadJack]
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Yeah, we have the same metric. Not how good you are, not how users rate your service. No, we are rated on how many tickets we close. -Captain Trips
I like this comment, though I hope he was deliberately trying to be witty: "I hate to deal with outsourced tech support. Most of the time, they are in India stealing jobs at home and speaking Gribish. Company should be outlaws from doing so. We pay for product and support. " -ravensentinel
RS: THIS!! -MadJack
oh metrics... we're also evaluated on how many tickets we close - but, get this - we are the ones who open them as well to ourselves. I'm still trying to figure it out. -boxcar
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8.
RIP, Steve
This must have just happened in the last hour or two.
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/steve-jobs-apple-ceo-dies/story?id=1438381
Vaya Con Dios, Mr. J.
[By: MadJack]
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::moment of silence:: -skippytpodar
ummmm.. maybe i'm a litle skeptical but there have been many a death hoax recently. -Harm
mmultiplr sources confirmed.. huh. -Harm
I seriously thought it was April Fool's Day for a moment... anyway. RIP, Steve Jobs. -Seamyst
Who is next? Gates or Torvald? -DarkRookie
No hoax, Harm. We had memory messages up on the huge displays at $fruitycomputercompany all day. It is a sad day for all tech types, he was a legend -Grembo
Desperately sad that he had so little time to himself after stepping down in August. One of the true pioneers gone. -Gromit
And who will feed the lawyers? -Wraith556
say what you want about Apple, but Jobs was a brilliant man. -Harm
actually cried inconsolably for a few minutes, may start again. -Madrigorne
He will be missed. But, to quote Dr. Bob: "One imagines him leaving his body to science, but with an EULA that specifies that not more than one person can examine it." -chazz
I have a great deal of respect for Bill, Steve, and Linus... all for very different reasons. Losing one of those three has really been a downer for me. Steve made computers an art form, and raised the bar on what was expected of them. I didn't always agree with him, but I had to admire how he was never content with mediocrity. He made things interesting, and will be missed. -linkv
So far this week we've got Steve Jobs and Charles Napier. Who's our third? -AmazingKreskin
I really and truly fear for the future of Apple. I know Timmy has been "in charge" for a while now behind the scenes, but he always had SJ to lean on and get advice from. Who is going to drive innovation.... I hear that Woz is available...
-Griffin2020
Likely comment by Bill OH NO who will I ste... I mean borrow my ideas from now. -deedadee
i Think Woz is perfectly happy doing what he's doing and staying out of apple.. ( i know he has a guest appearance on Big Bang theory.. and i THINk he may have been on dancing with the stars.) -Harm
Harm: Yes, and yes. He wasn't that good a dancer, but he obviously had a blast doing it. And when you're The Woz, and rich as he is, that's all that matters, innit? Especially when you're having that blast at no cost to others, unlike some rich folks ... -ralphp1024
Late comment, but I am pleased to note the general lack of snarky anti-Apple sentiment floating around the toobz. There's a little, sure, trollerz gotta troll, but it's almost like...people are being respectful! On the INTERNET!!! Amazing. -Lusus
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9.
Today's Dilbert
http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2011-07-24/
[By: MadJack]
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V'GER wills a cleansing....
-vacuumtubes
Skynet - the early days.... -Wonko The Sane
Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970) An artificially intelligent supercomputer is developed and activated, only to reveal that it has a sinister agenda of its own. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064177/
Hell of a good flick if you can find it. -AngrySup
And in the grand old tradition, Charles Stross' new book Rule 34. Same old story, with the exception that the AI isn't, /technically/, malevolent. -Omega
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11.
Same thing happens every night....
In this business, lobby lizards = fishies you have to deal with every day/night. I don't know if that's better or worse than random fish all shift, knowing what's coming, & when...
The following is part of a conversation between me and the inescapable Fishie McKnucklehead the Nowhere Man, from earlier tonight: (sorry in advance, no formatting/no star):
Him: "How much is one of those things?"
Me: "One of those things what?"
Him: “The computer in the back office.”
Me: “Which one?”
Him: “The black one.”
Me: “They’re BOTH black, which one?”
Him: “That one!”
Me: “I take it you mean the phone system computer?”
Him: “Either that one or the one in the lobby, that one looks nice, too. How much are they?”
Me: “I’ve got news for you, don’t judge a book by its cover. The case has nothing to do with how much it costs, it’s what’s under the hood that counts.”
Him: “What’s the brand of that one, or of your laptop?”
Me: “They’re both Dells. Why? You’ve already got one, and we can’t sell these, you know.”
Him: “I want a better brand next time. That, or maybe an HP, or an Apple.”
Me: “You wouldn’t even know how to use an Apple, it’s a totally different kind of system than what you’re used to.”
Him: “I just need to replace mine. How much are they?”
Me: (pulling a number out of thin air based on what you’ve read above) “Oh, say, $300, depending on what it’s got under the hood and where you get it.”
Him: “I like the one out here better, except I want one bigger than that. Mine has all kind of squiggly lines all over it.”
Me: “???”
Him: “My computer guy said it could go anytime, and I should get a new one. It keeps cutting in & out & I have to keep turning the switch off & on again.”
Me: “Are you talking about the computer, or the monitor?”
Him: (w/ a dumb look on his face) “The monitor?”
Me: (smacks head, forgetting just who/what I’m dealing with) “The SCREEN.”
Him: “Does it matter? That thing on the desk is where the guts are, isn’t it?”
Me: “Not unless you have an Apple already.”
Him: “What’s an Apple?”
Me: “Are you talking about replacing the monitor, or the whole computer?”
Him: “Just the thing on the desk. I want one like the one in the lobby, except bigger.”
Me: “You mean the screen. That’s different, monitors aren’t the same brands as the computer, and the price of a screen isn’t the same as the price of the computer itself.” Depending on where you go, they can run from $25 to $150.”
Him: “Aren’t they the same thing?”
Me: “Aren’t what the same thing?”
Him: “The thing on the desk & the guts? Y’know, the thing on the floor.”
Me: (ROFDL) “The THING on the FLOOR??” (ROFLMAO) “What needs replacing, the screen, or the whole computer?”
Him: “The screen.”
Me: “You don’t need to replace the whole computer just to replace the screen. Is there anything wrong with the computer itself?”
Him: “The guts? No.”
Me: (Rolls eyes) “Asking how much the whole computer is when you just need to replace the monitor’s like going shopping for a replacement TV and thinking you have to replace the dvr, vcr, dvd player, and stereo as well. Not NECESSARY, unless you’re upgrading to an HD tv.”
Him: “??” (Blank stare)
Me: “Nevermind, it’s beyond you, I know.”
Him: “I might replace the whole thing anyway, just dump the old one down the trash chute.”
Me: “DUMP it… down the Trash Chute.”
Him: “Yeah, that’s what everyone else does, don’t they?”
Me: “Aside from not letting anyone else get their hands on what’s on your hard drive, you know it wouldn’t even… remind me why I bother to even listen to you, again?”
[By: MadJack]
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Mah head. It hurts. This wouldn't even make sense if I hadn't been up for 24 hours straight. Sleep deprivation + caffeine = writing, whee! Anyway, sorry you have to deal with this. I at least do most of my work with people who understand the difference between monitor and tower, and between desktop and laptop! (Note the "most of..." fishies are everywhere, after all.) -AnneBWalsh
Oh yeah, and nice butt. -AnneBWalsh
Holy cats! And a big Thank You to my anonymous benefactor! -MadJack
http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?p=166338#166338 -MadJack
Parenting technique 1 - Place young starfish in front of Abbott&Costello reruns of Who's On First. Must have over done it with this one. -AussieFoot
Looks like some one got crossed eyes trying to read that post and gifted you a star, that is so way very cool dude, congrats and welcome back to the galaxy! -THETECHFROMHELL
Wall of Text hits Jonos for 256742 fire damage. Jonos dies. -Jonos
what in bloody HELL wrong with your keyboard?
I can't even make those symbols on purpose... -HappyCrappy
I don't know for the life of me how they changed; I certainly didn't type it up that way! It changed sometime between Sunday night & Tuesday morning (both here & in the break room) -MadJack
did you copy and paste from a word processor? Like Word? -ecoli
I don't know what hurt more...trying to sift through all the spurious characters to read the story, or the gross stupidity of the 'fish in the tale. (Reaches for a caffeine-containing liquid & some codeine) -lineswine
Yeah, I did use Word. And, I don't know what hurts worse, Nowhere's utter stupidity, or how you really can't help but laugh at him. He's the kind you can mock openly and he'll take it as a compliment!! He couldn't be more proud of just how ignorant he is... -MadJack
’ ’ ’ ’ ’ ’ ’ , aw forget about it, my head hurts reading this. -crazymactech
@HC - The site displays in Unicode UTF-8. For some reason, my browser decides to read it in Western ISO-8859-1. When you manually change the encoding settings to UTF-8, everything works again. -RDMcMains
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16.
Rock that vote, America!!
FIRST!! (G)
The polls have opened in California, and thus the vote is cast. Vote Boxer (I did), or Feinland, or Roberts,Noonan, Lightfoot, or even Mickey Mouse. This is the day; Vote NO on Fiorina for Senate!!! Who wants to hear her concession speech on the 10/11:00 news tonight? (VHEG) That would be a great start to one's Friday, wouldn't it? ;)
[By: MadJack]
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I find it amazing that so many people do not vote. When you look around the world and see how many people are willing to fight and die for the privilege, it seems inconceivable that some consider it too much bother. One of my proudest moments as an American was in 2000 when George W. took office, not because I was a supporter of his, but that even after such a hotly contested election, we had a transition of power in which no one was hurt, no riots broke out, no mobs expressed dissatisfaction through violence. The power of the ballot box is enormous and the responsibility should not be shirked just because it might be a bit inconvenient. I hope all Americans do their duty today and cast a ballot. -SalParadise
I agree with Sal's comments - if you don't vote, you don't get to complain about the result! -geeklady
As we say here in Sandy Eggo "VOTE EARLY AND VOTE OFTEN". I did mine last week by mail. Much easier. -atomicbill
My cats refused to vote. Those pussies! -ActingUpAgain
lolz, Bill. John Coleman said that very thing on the 10:00 news last night. (VEG) -MadJack
One of my nieces said she was NOT voting today. I replied "Bummer for you. Don't get upset when us old farts raise the drinking age to 30... :-)" -virtualchoirboy
I'm in California and mailed my ballot in last week. Overall I didn't like ANY of the candidates on the ballot including the local ones. When the revolution comes the lawyers won't be the first ones on the wall...it'll be the politicians. -Starfury
Voting after work today. (Fortunately, my voting place is just across the railroad tracks from my apartment - a nice five-minute walk.) And I'm in WV, where we're having to replace the late, great Sen. Byrd. Wish me luck... I'm thrilled about none of the candidates. -Seamyst
Even if your candidate doesn't win the seat or get elected, if you voted you at least can be comfortable knowing that you tried. -Caboose447
AB and Jack -- I've been saying that for years! -Captain Trips
I made sure that everyone in the graveyard got their vote in on time. -ecoli
On both Fiorina and Whitman: they both say California needs to be run like a business. Well, a business is usually run in order to maximize profits for those at the top - the execs and stockholders - at the expense of those doing the actual work. So, if you feel that Whitman and Fiorina need to be making yet more money (than they got running eBay and HP) then vote for them. If you feel that government of the people, by the people and for the people should NOT be in the business of making the governor and/or senator rich, then vote for anyone BUT them! -Captain Trips
Oddly enough, I agree that they need to run the government as though it's a business. Difference is, I think we're all shareholders. -Shevaresh
Already voted by mail. One thing I hate about most all the candidates, they may claim that they are green, but that is shown as a lie when I get deluged with printed political ads in the mail. -Stryker One
I'll be voting in about 5 minutes... a moderate Republican who will cheerfully vote for the Democratic candidates and at the same time tell the Tea Party lunatics in the state to f*** **f. Sorry, I'm in no mood for nut cases in charge... not with the vision of a Neimiah Scudder (or the female version in Barbie Doll Palin) taking over the presidency in 2012... -VoiceOfSanity
With voluntary voting, if you don't vote you get the government you deserve. I hear that non-compulsory voting is done in the UK as well. In Australia, ALL registered voters MUST vote in an election, under penalty on a fine. But, the elections have been taken very seriously over last few federal elections. The next NSW state election could be interesting. -Wraith556
Well, you don't HAVE to vote in Aus, you can just get your name signed off at the voting register -PoglaTheGrate
Sal, supporter or no, and all due respect, how could you be "proud" when electoral fraud was so rife and blatant back in 2000? Maybe a little noise would have been a good thing... -AlanSmithee
BOOYAH!! No Carly for California!!!!! We did it!! -MadJack
YAY! At least somewhere there was a victory. -redfaery
@starfury -- Aren't most of the politicians lawyers anyway? Sounds like 2-for-1! -BobP
Only qualified voters should vote. Anyone who does not make an effort to vote is certainly unqualified. If you don't plan on voting you will not research the candidates. Any unqualified voter forced to fill-in a ballet will most certainly pick the candidate with most fill good ads. -volmtech
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17.
Happy Halloween!
Just b/c I'm in a feelin' weird kinda mood.
FIRST!
And...
Hippo Hollowbeans, everyone! ;)
[By: MadJack]
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..first? And also last! C'mon, Jack, you know how dead this site is on weekends. -Captain Trips
..uh, well, er, um...thought I was looking at yesterday's posts...but I bet you are still the only post today! -Captain Trips
Nope. *grin* Tripped-up Trippy, I have! -Grue
To say nothing of nights, there's hardly anyone online when I am these days! -MadJack
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18.
Today's Dilbert
http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2010-06-27/
Oh. My. Gord.
Scott Adams MUST lurk here, about the only thing lacking is the mention of the Gary Mitchell Maneuver. (And if he ever DOES use that, I'll keel over from utter shock.)
This is us in a nutshell. To. A. T.
And this one will be HARD to top.
[By: MadJack]
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(Psst... check out the comments, too...) -MadJack
Simply put "It's a trick! <Gasp> Get an axe. [Army of Darkness]" -Necros
http://stormprepare.com/images/tarp_light.JPG IT'S A TARP! -PoglaTheGrate
Panel 5, the one that starts with 'I'll be obligated...' only matters if you're not a misanthropic bastard. Hooray for me! -LDFeral
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19.
... and about time, too!
So, I saw Mel Brooks' name as a well-hit trend on Yahoo, and started to say 'Oh, no!', clicked it, and saw this:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100423/ap_on_en_mo/us_people_mel_brooks_2 ... Well deserved, and long overdue!
[By: MadJack]
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Hells! The poor man had a diminutive butt until now? Outrage! Madness! Purple Monkey Dishwasher! -LDFeral
About damn'd time! -unrenowned
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otPkk1sUFkI -vacuumtubes
Whomever the sleepwalker was who witheld Mel's star probably has "1234" for his luggage combo. Or "passwrd" for his logon password. Or a dog named "Spot". Or (I can keep this up all day...) -udoshan
My favourite Brooks moment is when he won the Grammie for best comedy album for his re-release of The Thousand Year Old Man. He said to Seinfeld that he thought that Seinfeld's album was funnier, but he had to wait 50 years for his Grammie, and couldn't afford to wait another 50 -PoglaTheGrate
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20.
Today's "Blondie"
Apropos of nothing whatsoever:
http://www.arcamax.com/blondie
[By: MadJack]
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I call shenanigans. I don't think any of us would ever say "Attaboy" to a luser over the phone. Or in person, for that matter. -Frazzled
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21.
Oveur? Done.
Just on tonight's news, MI star & best known for his role in one of many geek cult classics, passed. Captain Oveur's made his last flight. http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=487915>1=28103&
[By: MadJack]
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I enjoyed the Mission Impossible series much more than the more recent movies. -AussieFoot
Does anyone remember the "reboot" of MI that was done in the '80s? IIRC, it had some of the original cast, with updated tech. Not bad, but not great. -docbrown01
Oveur is indeed finally under. *sads* -Grue
He must've had the fish. -Jay911
All I can think to say is: Roger Oveur -duckhead
Docbrown -- yeah, Peter Graves reprised the role of Jim Phelps, and Greg Morris did 2 guest appearances as Barney Collier. But that was it for "old guys." The rest of the team was new, although one character (Barney's son) was in fact played by Phil Morris, Greg's son. And it started as a response to the '87 writer's strike -- they only needed to update some old scripts a bit and reshot them. (Same reasoning behind some of the worst episodes of ST:TNG 1st season - they were quick rewrites of old stories - e.g. "The Naked Now.") -Captain Trips
I remember him more as Jim Newton on a show called Fury that ran on Saturday mornings back in the 50s. It was a modern day western oriented for children. Never saw much of MI, too busy with high school and college. R.I.P. -sassicatz
So, did he self destruct? -Stryker One
Put Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo. -TechDaddy
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22.
(NT/OT) Overheard...
Overheard, from one guest to another:
"What was the name of that show, 'Three Girls and the guy in the speaker box?' "
[By: MadJack]
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"The password is snappin_pussy." -vacuumtubes
The Angels Charlies. -AussieFoot
Or Wonderland in Alice....
-vacuumtubes
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23.
A (Early) Christmas Star
So, I swung by here for a few while checking my e-mail over my lunch break, and what do I find?
An(other) early Christmas present! I thought my jeans were shrinking lately... ;)
Thanks muchly to my anonymous benefactor, and an early 'Merry Christmas' back atcha!
Hm, I wonder if this is a hint to reformat my previous post?
Back to work now, 3 hours+ to the end of the workweek.
Later...
[By: MadJack]
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Congrats on the big butt! -duckhead
"That ain't the friggin' Christmas star, Gris. It's the light of the sewage treatment plant!" -Uncle Lewis -Biosynthetic
I paid for mine over two weeks ago. WTF Hawk? -ThinTheHerd
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24.
Front Desk, Help Desk; Potayto, Potahto
Just an amusing, if somewhat eye-rolling, anecdote from last night's labors. (Sorry in advance, no formatting.)
Another Friday night (aka another Monday for yours truly). The usual complaints of 'The Internet is Down!', and the usual troupe of international language students having parties until all hours (or, at least, partying out until the bars close, and coming back to continue the party until dawn), and contending with an entire wing full of noise & loud music while praying that no one calls to complain. On top of hours of paperwork after being off for two nights, as a side note, due to the recent passing of our 'alternating' night auditor, our own 'Sleeping Ugly' has been, by necessity, elevated from the purgatory of 'on-call' to take the deceased's place. (Too bad it wasn't the other way around, meh. Triple the work every Friday night for the foreseeable future.)
So, the night's labors are finally done, somewhere about 5AM. A new resident student comes up to the desk, she needs help sending an e-mail. She doesn't speak English well (s'why she's here, after all), so, in trying to communicate effectively, she thinks it best to come to the front desk for help with something totally unrelated to her ability to connect to our WiFi. She's got a brand new Hell lappy with Windows 7, bought just this Monday; & she's having problems typing in the '@'. Not that she doesn't know how, or where it is; seems that when she hits <SHIFT> 2, she gets quotation marks, instead. Odd, but lessee. Been awhile since I've seen this, though it's quite familiar. First check is to see what comes up when you type in ", <SHIFT> ' gets you " Å " instead. As I suspected, problems with the language packs, she bought a new Windows computer in the USA, (by default set to English as the language), & she's trying to work in Swiss. Somewhere along the way, she's using the wrong language pack. Problem: this same lack of communication skills makes it rather difficult to explain what she needs to do. "Call Dell" (not that I'd really wish that on her, knowing what she'd be up against, as I/we know all too well), but, that's the best option. However, the universal translation of 'Call the manufacturer', always seems to be understood as "I should return it to the store for help? I get from Best Buy, I should take it back? They help me?" "No, you need call Dell." I can't even properly explain that the problem she's experiencing would only needlessly complicate her trying to obtain help online; a brand new 'home user' lappy, she'd be trying to communicate in Swiss from an English programmed lappy to someone else for whom English is ALSO a second language; talk about out of the frying pan & into the fire, poor thing. I couldn't even get all the way through Dell's now natural aversion to showing a phone # anywhere on their website w/o inputting her service tag, which would only complicate things yet more. Finally, I manage to get her to let me bring up Dell's website, get her to understand that they are her 'best' hope for resolving the problem (I didn't want to go messing around with a brand new Windows 7 lappy when I haven't even laid eyes on it before now, & my support skills are somewhat rusty and don't *really* extend beyond XP.).
And, you can guess the ending, cantcha? 90 minutes later, she comes down with the receipt, to ask me what WorstTry's hours are.
She'd have been better off bringing a lappy from her home country; except all the language students buy them here b/c they're so much cheaper in the USA than back home. $Deity help 'em.
Ah, me. One down, four to go....
[By: MadJack]
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Far too late, but... You know what the issue is? It's the keyboard. She blindly selected German (Swiss) as the default install language, so it assumed she had a Swiss German keyboard layout. Simple fix is to go into the Keyboard area of the control panel, select and install the US English keyboard, and set it as the default. Then keytops match characters. And how do I know this? Secretary at the school kept getting umlaut when she hit @; her Canadian HP machine had arrived with US English, Canadian English, and Canadian French as languages, and her keyboard kept switching to Canadian French. -chazz
Sounds familiar. Tired as I was, I wouldn't have even thought of the keyboard settings being part of the problem, obvious as it should have been. -MadJack
Too bad it's sometimes difficult or expensive to order a proper keyboard... -Caboose447
<da>Chazz when you see Åå ("a" with a ring) its the scandinavian keyboard layout</da> This seems even more weird considering Å isn't part of the Swiss character set. BTW I've been there too, German gonfigured laptops in Scandinavia, where Z and Y switch places... -Dr Jerkyl
GAAAH! "gonfigured" = "configured"... -Dr Jerkyl
I don't know... "gonfigured" has a certain charm! -Voz
Oddly enough, when my keyboard does something similar (starts throwing up foreign characters onto my screen) holding down Ctrl-Shift for a few seconds seems to work. Don't ask me why. -themaxx
themaxx: it is possible that your system is set up to accept Ctrl/Shift as the key combination to revert to an English US keyboard layout. That can be set in the control panel under Keyboard Settings, of course. -chazz
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25.
Happy Thanksgiving!
(hhehehehehe I got to do it first!)
Srsly, tho, a Happy Thanksgiving to all.
[By: MadJack]
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Hehehehehehe no you didn't. :-) http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=81544 -Gromit
Oh you crazy Americans with your Thanksgiving in November. And what's with that money? It's all the same colour, get some real money instead of that stuff that looks like it came from a toy cash register. Seriously though, Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy your holiday. -AdeptusMechanis
hehehe right you are, Gromit, didn't see that one until after I'd gotten into yesterday's posts (yep, yesterdays, still the first today! G) -MadJack
Adeptus, we are getting color in our money: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:USDnotes.png -Captain Trips
umm but CT.. how are you supposed to tell the massive difference between a 20 and a 5 when piss hammered? see up here, 5 = blue. 10 = purple, 20 = green 50 = red 100 = brown ( i think ..) and 1000 - never seen a real one possibly pink. -Harm
@CT wow, your money is like tye-dye now. What is that? Our monetary scheme is much simpler as Harm just described. Way easier to tell which bill is which with just a glance. -AdeptusMechanis
@CT It's a fake! Everyone knows there's no such thing as a two-dollar bill. -DrAardvarkian
Happy Fappiano to you too! -linkv
http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee238/Grembo/3dollarbill.jpg -Grembo
In case anyone wants to see the back: http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee238/Grembo/3dollarbill.jpg I've also got a Sex dollar bill with Slick Willy on it somewhere, have to see if I can find it. -Grembo
Crap, ignore that link, same as the first. Here's the back: http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee238/Grembo/3dollarbillback.jpg -Grembo
The $2 bill is very real. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_two-dollar_bill -adarklite
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26.
Teh Funneh...
Anyone seen today's Blondie?
http://www.seattlepi.com/fun/blondie.asp
[By: MadJack]
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Is it April Fools already? -Ichiro
LOL, and I don't usually like Blondie. -thx1138
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27.
Pardon?
... My Planet, that is.
Today's strip, anyone seen it (yet)?
http://www.azcentral.com/ent/comics/pardonmyplanet.html
Spot on (VHEG)
[By: MadJack]
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If only... -Seamus
I can imagine the phone answer phrase for a game company. "Thank you for calling Atari, where we put the F.U. in FUN!" -Biosynthetic
I see you got that from the Arizona Repugnant's website. Are you in AZ now? Last I heard you were in Sandy Eggo. I've lucked out and will probably have a new job in Kansas after being out of work for 7 months. -MSimmons777
Naw, I just used a paper that had today's copy, instead of the Kingfeatures website, since they always deliberately lag behind. -MadJack
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32.
Tech Comix OTD
Today's Dilbert: http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2009-01-25/
Anyone seen today's Pearls Before Swine? (lolz)
http://comics.com/pearls_before_swine/2009-01-25/
[By: MadJack]
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Yup. Those about say it all. Makes me GLAD I was laid off. -DarthIndy
I loved dilbert. Mooo! -PCChaos
pearls before swine is getting sent to my work email and if I can get away with it, a very large copy of it will be printed off and hung in the work area! -frprinterwiz
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33.
RIP, Majel
Just saw this on MSNBC:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28300175/
[By: MadJack]
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Boy, do I feel for Eugene. Now he's lost both his parents. I've lost one, and that was a dark time. -vacuumtubes
A Good Coupling AND HOT!!!:). And we will be able to remember her every time we hear her as the Enterprise Computer. -beatmewithstick
Oh, no. She still looked good at the last con I saw her at - and now they'll need a new computer voice! -Divinar
Apparently, she had completed recording the computer voice for the new Star Trek prequel. Fitting... her last Star Trek performance completes the circle. :) -Robster2001
Rest in peace. -spectreoflife
Div: I think they'll have enough clips of her doing the computer's voice that they'll be able to piece together what they need for a long time to come. -flapjackboy
I am more concerned ith what Universal will do with the Star Trek properties since she is gone, and was reputedly the only thing that kept the studio in check in regards to Gene's vision. -Griffin2020
Griffin, she shouldn't have been, Rod (Gene Jr.) was a producer for many Roddenberry projects, he would probably keep the legacy going in the right direction. Hopefully anyway. -evolvedstarfish
What? And let Rick Berman and Mike Okuda take over? Actually, they already have. Remember Voyager and Boobyprize ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H err... Enterprise? -Wraith556
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35.
BOOM!
So, I just settled in from my day's labors, and I log on.
And what do my eyes perceive at the top of the page?
Some anonymous benefactor has gifted me a star! (Man, I gotta start giving back!)
Two words: Thank You Very Much! (OK, that's four, but... G)
[By: MadJack]
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Congrats, MJ! Glad to see you back in the BBC. :) -Tekkie
Well-deserved, and grats MJ! -ManyHats
I need to get me a star. -WalNut
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36.
Holee Shyte!!
So, I just stumbled across this WTF post on my Friends page: http://community.livejournal.com/wtf_inc/6222394.html
I wonder what this person does for a living (EG)
[By: MadJack]
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Seen it before. He wondered why his keyboard didn't work. -McSmiley
Just for those at work, even though you get LJ's Adult Content Notice, it's just the text that's NSFW. -veaudaux
We're thinking this is a code monkey. The baked potato is a good touch -illiterate
I think FF3 defaults that for LJ, period. (I HATE that particular function...) -MadJack
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38.
Fishie Radio Ad
Sandy Eggans, you might have heard this one. Couldn't resist posting. So, radio on STAR94.1 this afternoon, for a Sex & the City afterparty sponsored by said radio station. Line: "But I'm a STARfish! Ya GOTTA let me in!" Bouncer: "Sorry, but yaz got no Pull. Y'know, as in Tidal Pull?"
[By: MadJack]
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40.
Today's Dilbert
http://members.comics.com/members/common/affiliateArchive.do?site=spi&comic=dilbert
[By: MadJack]
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Permalink: http://dilbert.com/fast/2008-05-11/ -Rissa
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41.
Thanks
Just a shout out to the tech (if he comes here) I just spoke to at Workcard.com. Yours truly had a fishie moment at the end of a cruddy latter half of the week, and forgot what permutation of my core password I used for my timecard login. No wait, quick and easy. Made a Friday evening better for a tired tech with brain farts putting me off my game.
Thanks, keep up the good work, and hopefully you don't have too many fishies to deal with (I know some of the other ones you've had to, working with them I know just how stupid they can be (but they're not techs, wacanyado?)
Thx, MJ
[By: MadJack]
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42.
No internetz in space
Just saw this bit on (below) and thought it amusing enough to post here:
"We do actually watch the NBC Nightly News, as a podcast, but we up here do not have the ability to surf the Net," Tani said. "We do not have an Internet connection, but the great group on the ground that supports us takes those files and uplinks them to the computers where we watch them offline. Not only do we watch that broadcast, we also have personal broadcasts and shows, sitcoms or news shows, sporting events that we request." http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23067766/
Probably just as well... "Let your imagination run wild, go ahead, man."
[By: MadJack]
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In space, no one can hear you ping. -veaudaux
That would be one hell of a cat6 cable -srteach
This is one small step for man *vdtrgshhh* and a Nigerian prince needs your pin number to give you money. -PeterGibons
Their problem is that they're on an orbiting platform that goes around the Earth almost 16 times a day. YOU try to maintain a reasonable communications link with something that's constantly moving. *chuckle* Even with the TDRS overhead in geosync orbit. (Oh, and NASA gets a free pass from the RIAA and MPAA on pirat... er... copying music and programs.) -VoiceOfSanity
Come on! With all those comm satellites around, you'll think they could, you know, "hook something up". :P <shuttles to the LART shelter> -TheGhost
Oh God, what if space aliens could read our Internet like they watch our old TV broadcasts? -CyBear
If they could, would they continue the anal probing? -ChildofCthulhu
CoC - They'll just expect us to enjoy it. -SirJosh
Well...I ..um..nevermind<Slithers off to Lart Shelter of R'lyeh with my pron collection> -ChildofCthulhu
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43.
Today's Opus
It could paralell future techs and the modern fishiness (EG)
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a243/sdjdish/wpopu071223.gif
[By: MadJack]
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"Bulldoo-dooer" just makes me giggle. -Seamyst
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44.
Job Karma (NT/0T)
Well, despite how the last job ended... I have an agency interview tomorrow for a temp-to-hire spot with
a specialized software co for t1 cs/tech, starting at $12 p/h. (Another $80 a week!)
Luckily, it seems that being cut that way isn't quite so fatal to the career as it seems, no matter how true/untrue the reason is.
Call me crazy to go right back to the kind of stress I just left; but, CS is still one of my best skills.
Wish me luck, it hasn't been but two weeks and I'm going nuts not being able to work...
[By: MadJack]
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Karma Lawn Darts launched, stand still and they SHOULD land in a nice circle all around you. -TieDyedDinosaur
karmarsupials (armoured becuase of raining karma darts) on way:) -timelady
karmadillos! -stiffarm
Have some Texas Karma Chili! -56Kdaytrader
KITTY KARMA KANNONS....ARMED..... FIRE!!!! Good luck MadJack -TechKittenNotts
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45.
Commander Mitchell, pickup on line 1!!
Every day, I get teh stupid. We know this.
Some days, I get TEH STUPID. This is self-evident.
I've gotten quite a few of those today.
The last one, though, was just one of those utterly recalcitrant, 'My way or the highway' types. Inane. Utterly asinine.
TGIF, fishie-wishies like her make me wish I'd finished developing the phone feature that makes the cord do a 'Gary Mitchell' on fishies when you press 'Q' (VEG). So, fishie calls up about problems making a card order w/ our sale pricing. Said pricing is found by googling for the item in question & using the sponsored link to the website. It works, but when she adds to the cart, it disappears. Understandably annoying, but easily fixable.
Unless you're using IE7.
Upon learning of the issue, she takes it as a personal issue that she has to use Firefox, and proceeds to spend five minutes beefing about how we (specifically, I) should update the website to be compatible w/ 7, because she shouldn't have to download a different browser or use another computer just to place a card order. The fact that we're not programmers on this end, despite the fact that she and so many like her start off with the "I know I'm talking to a peon, I need to tell you the obvious that it doesn't begin to occur to me that you most likely already know what I'm telling you" attitude, goes WAAAAAAYYY over her head. Finally, she gives in to the inevitable and dl's FF, since she won't even THINK of downgrading IE and would be an 'after-fix' that wouldn't help the immediate issue. The time she spend arguing about what she felt we SHOULD be doing to suit HER, she could have taken care of the problem 20x. So, now she's got Firefox downloaded & installed, and she doesn't want to google again. "I copied & pasted your pricing page's address, why isn't the sale pricing showing up?" Then ,she spends another five minutes DEMANDING we give her a code to use, not that it makes a difference if the pricing was there up until she clicked 'add to cart'. Wouldn't make a bit of difference; and giving out this code is nl company policy, Googling and ONLY googling. Le code, she is verboten. And bint fishie neeps for five minutes trying to get me to throw in the towel and give in to her way. "It's all a trick! No one else has this problem!" Oh, and how do you know that? Are you so sure? Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids, aintcha heard? It's going on fifteen minutes, just because she doesn't want to spend the extra 15 seconds to surf google, type in the search word, and click the link. She could've done it 100x by now. She changes her tune. "Give me the address!" "It's embedded in the code. If you'll allow me, it will take far less time to walk you through the Google process than to relay the address character by character."
"I... Want... Your... Supvervisor." Fine. "I dowanna talk to you now more, you empty headed animal food trough water. Now go 'way, or I will taunt you a second time-eh." And our TL will tell you everything I just did.
Which he did. 30 minutes that call lasted. All for a ten second fix.
[By: MadJack]
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Okay I am sure you meant this Gary Mitchell:http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Gary_Mitchell
Not this one: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Mitchell -Slartarama
Long ago, I coined the phrase "Gary Mitchell Maneuver". See here: http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?t=425&start=75 -MadJack
Jack, how yer head not asplode? -stiffarm
When I saw the Commander Gary Mitchell, I too thought the Star Trek version. Especially given how he "acted" when they crossed the galaxy barrier and appeared to be zapped. That would make an excellent remote LART device. On a similar note to this, when I was acting as a technical support for a group of salespeople, I had one (a noteably lazy one) call and ask for help finding something. I gave him keywords. He asked for the SKU. "Did you type in the keywords?" Of course, not, but I didn't yield and he ended up hanging up without the information he'd requested. If he'd have listened and just put in the keywords, the product he'd requested would have appeared in the list. -Xiphiplastron
i really hate those twats that dont listen to instructions, they call for help yet dont listen until something makes sense to them. Telcos: PLEASE install and electrocute caller feature. -r3tude
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46.
"Commander Mitchell!" Continued
Prime example of my fishies? Prime example of a tier 2 rep playing Crank Yanker, using their usual tactics to see how provocative they can be and see who'll throw in the towel and do something they can turn around and use to knife you with. She got me again ten minutes later, using another name, again with the inanity. This time, she wanted to know if I could decide when we were going to start doing single-fold options for our brochures, and if when we began offering same, if brochures ordered from us unfolded could be sent back to be single folded at no cost to her.
I recognized her voice.
"Flummery. InTolerable Asininity." -- Nero Wolfe
[By: MadJack]
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I love the Nero Wolfe quote. Excellent show.I hate the people on your phones. TGIF + 3 dayweekend. W00T!!!!!! -Slartarama
You need to sue or something, thats insane. -evolvedstarfish
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47.
Tally for Monday....
You've seen my comment on the FIRST call of the day (and the week, dontcha hate when they start this way?)So,
the call breakdown went this way:
Totzl calls: 44 in eight hours.
Of that 44:
Beggining with the same type of fishie that started the week: Starfishicus Interruptus: 6
"What's the status of my e-mail? Did you get it?" :3
CC didn't clear, "Where's my confirmation? I dowanna redo my whole orderrrrrrrrr!!!!!" :1
"Watz difrnc btwnz Matte and Glossy? Is matte shiny?" :1
"I wanna do it MY WAY!!!" :3
Absolutely no clue what they want, want to order cards like pizza, and shouldn't have access to a Telephone, much less a computer: 2
"If I order them today, will they be here tomorrow?" :2
Requests for items clearly not found on our website: 6
Shipping fuckups (by the company): 2
Shipping fuckups by the carrier: 1
Questions which clueless fishie must ask the carrier...
"But, I ordered it from you, don't you know what the driver's schedule is? Can't you tell them to come back?" :1
Questions that could have been answered if they'd looked at the website: 6 (Well, that COULD be almost all of them...)
General questions of a reasoned nature (but could be included in the above category): 9 (Ratio of 1 in 5).
Long calls with REAL technical problems: 1.
# of fishies worth helping: Take a wild guess.
# of calls that actually accomplished anything: See above.
One down, four to go. Just a typical Monday.
So, how was YOURS?
[By: MadJack]
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Hey MJ: If the fishies want their cards sameday, send them to Staples. They have a new pre-designed (and customizable) business card generating system now. -unrenowned
Took it off, so...napping, dealing with SERIOUS personal stuff (divorce is so much FUN!), cleaning up a little, and playing Gran Turismo 4. Lots. Sorry yours sucked so badly, MJ. 4 days to endure before the next weekend. Maybe this one won't end.... -PaseoGuy
Tuesday: And tomorrow, Catbert is coming by.... gimme an excuse... any old excuse... anybody? -MadJack
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48.
Testing, testing... (NT/OT)
The end is worth the means. After grappling with Cox first over a long-since discontinued account, and hardware/setup issues, and having to take a day off during the workweek for a trouble call (landlord has to be here to let them into the bldg wiring closet), I FINALLY have my Cox HSI, and... I... LOVE IT!!! After DSL, dial-up, and Cellular WiFi, I've finally got some serious hi-speed again! (And I can FINALLY get online from home for the first time since the beginning of the damn month! If only I hadn't had to take the day off for it... aw, who'm I kidding? W00T!!
[By: MadJack]
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I read the line "grappling with Cox" and almost lost. I'm glad your Cox is working for you and I hope you enjoy Cox for years to come :P -OgdenTechGuy
almost lost *it* stupid keyboard dropped a word and the associated space...yeah that's it... -OgdenTechGuy
And we ALL know you are using 'protection' when you are 'riding' Cox! (Surge suppressor at least) -TieDyedDinosaur
Ditto. That first line is just hilarious. -Slartarama
TEST FAILED - http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=9545 - -Wonko The Sane
Yeah, I've been grappling with Prix lately too. -concept14
Let's face it, MadJack, if you had been getting ComCast or Mediacom, it just wouldn't have been the same! -Voz
If they send you a shirt or bumpersticker that says I (heart) Cox, you gotta share.
-Mushroom
Seen in the parking lot of our local Cox office: http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/tearsonurcheek/Image000-2.jpg -missourimule
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49.
New TSC shirts...
I like these ideas:
http://www.despair.com/despairwear.html W00T!!
[By: MadJack]
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The 'spontaneous combust' one seems appropriate for anyone who deals with fish over the phone. -EtherRabbit
I'm favoring 'contents under pressure'... -MadJack
I have always liked the similar 'Friends don't ask friends to 'tech' their computers for free'. -TieDyedDinosaur
try thinkgeek.com -compbrat
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50.
Fishie Start to a Monday...
Someone shoot me now, please? It's going to be a week from hell...
So, the week starts w/ changed schedules, after going from an 8 hour day start to finish, to strictly adhering to the rule of law regarding breaks & lunches. No more 9-5, all paid, even though we're clocked out for lunch, & no 'official' breaks (we just got up for a stretch when we felt like it). So, now it's 8:30 - 5 to fit. No biggy.
Until I get in, and can tell Murphy's been at work again. Now, if you know Ubuntu, you know that it's not easily configured to support multiple users, and we ALL log in under the client's login. Hence, everyone sitting at one station has access to everyone else's info, files, passwords, settings, and all. I come in... and the rat bastige that used my station during the weekend fucked EVERYTHING up. It wouldn't have been such a big deal, except for they killed off the toolbar where the open 'windows' are locked in. Took me 30 minutes of my shift trying to figure out how to restore the frakkin' thing so I can tab between windows during calls. Soooo...
After all that, the first fishie of the day can't log in. Double check, triple check, he CLAIMS he's logging in correctly with the e-mail addy and order #. It took 10... Yes, TEN minutes of trying to get him to examine the e-mail addy carefully for him to discover he'd put a COMMA in between (domain) & com. "I thought you said COMMA!" And that's just the FIRST hour of the day.... I want to go back home, get back in bed, and start the day over again.... Now, how can I? (g)
[By: MadJack]
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*sympathy* I've spent a couple of hours today letting the server room wall hold me up. -Elfling
Um, Ubuntu is easily configured to support multiple users. It even has a GUI for it, under "System > Administration > Users and Groups". (Of course, you have to have the proper permissions). -ThirdOfFive
Third: thus my 'fishie' moment... -MadJack
Stand still will ya MAdJAck... <bang, bang, thud> Is that any better? <bfeg> Welcome to Garfielday. ;) -TheMacOne
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51.
Names of the Day
"Thank you for calling (Next Day) Prints, this is MadJack, may I have your first & last names, please?"
1) "Toronto Ontario"
2) Sloppy Tovarisch
3) Kurt Assplunder
Thank You, you've been wonderful! I'll be here all next week!
[By: MadJack]
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And be sure to tip your waitresses.... -vacuumtubes
Try the veal! -chazz
Two shows Friday! -TheJman
I recommend the matinee! :) <rotfl> -TheMacOne
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52.
Backstory
The last call, verbatim:
Me: "Thank you for calling (Next Day) Printers, this is MadJack, may I have your first & last name, please?"
SF:"Is that really important right now? I'm having a problem uploading photos, they keep flipping to the right when I upload them. Why are they doing that?"
Me: "Are the images you're submitting longer in height than in width, or longer in width than in height?"
SF: "How can I tell that?"
(Me dropping jaw in (indescribable adjective/adverb)
SF: "How do I tell that? They look square to me..."
Me: "Let me get our design group on the line, they're much better at explaining this ($rather, they're more expert in explaining how stupid you are...)"
[By: MadJack]
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Aaah Sherlock! A clue(bat)! <tink> ;) -TheMacOne
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53.
New Company, Old Customer, Same Problem
So, slightly over four years ago, during my four month tenure as a temp for AAFES (in my last days in Depressed Dallas), I posted about a certain customer, and whom I have referred to in comments from time to time. Today, she called me back. Naturally, she didn't remember me from that previous incarnation, and I wasn't going to remind her.
"Ja, Hi, I'm vanting to reorder my cards, somevone else ordered them for me before, und I haff to pull up my old order und upload a new file. How do I do this, do you need my e-mail address?"
"Please."
It iss dumkopf@..."
ZOMG, It's the return of Ivana the Dumkopf!
"It's not zee same e-mail you haff on file for zee old order, I no longer use zat vun. How do I log in vith my new e-mail?"
"To REorder, you would need to enter the invoice # together with the e-mail address it was actually placed under at the time, as a login verification. It's not necessary for it to still be valid."
"But if eet's not valid, how will I log in?"
"Actually, for a new design, it doesn't actually matter, you can't upload a new design on an old order, you would just upload the file and input the information you wish...." Well, as before, she had a handle on it from there; but to me, she's still the same old Ivana... The domain may change, but the dumkopf remains the same.... (veg)
I can get away with saying that because she's cognizant of that fact herself. As she vonce told me, "Ya, I am ze dumkopf vith thee computers, I know thees, so I choose dumkopf for my username..."
(Me still shaking head in amazement...)
[By: MadJack]
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Ivanna Dumkopf. Moose and Squirrel. ... hmm... all we need now is some duck tape and vaseline, and... well, you get the idea. -TheGhost
Don't forget the rubber ducky... -unrenowned
...or would that be a ducky in rubber? -sarge
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54.
I'm gettin' real sick o'this shyte...
It Must Be Thursday. I used to get the hang of Thursdays....
This has been a day of the uber-rude A$$fish from Hell. Abrasive, deliberately rude, most uncooperative & provocative people I've ever encountered in one shift. Crosstalking over you, not letting you finish a sentence, then turning around and asking what info they need to give you in the middle of fighting to just get them to LISTEN to what you're asking.... So, another egofish calls up.
"Thank you for calling (Next day) Prints, this is MadJack, may I have your first & last name please?"
"I don' need to give you that, whatchu need that for?"
(Oh, I dunno, how about... call tracking, for when you call back? or, maybe, how about, oh....
Some god-damned f$cking common COURTESY??
"Iwannaknowhowlongit'lltaketogeta4x6ordertomydoorifiplaceittoday."
(Sorry, blindtech)...
"Wha"
"I'm een California"
"Wha"
"Whassohard?Howlongzittake?"
"What
"Wajooneedtoknow,myzeepcode?"
"YES."
"Ees 92054".
I let him penalty stew in silence for a few moments while I knock out a 'mock order' into the shopping cart so I can get the UPS quote.
"Ground is 2-5 business days"
"Why can'joo tell me 'zactly?"
Ground time can be either of those depending on where it prints from, we operate multiple printing plants all over the country."
"Why can'd I pick where it printz
from? Joor in California, aren'tjoo?"
"That is where our offices are, and ONE of our plasnts is, but, again, we have printing plants all over the U.S.A."
"Why can'd I choose where?"
"We operate as an industrial printer, it has to do with operating industrial plants. It can't be done." "What is your Preferred Customer Program all about
Let me get the dept that handles that for you on the line... (eg)
[By: MadJack]
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55.
And this is a designer....
So, Monday, a SF called up about a .jpg he'd been sent by his designer. When he uploaded it, it only took up about 50% of the canvas for the card. It takes one glance at the canvas to see that the designer sent it to him as 150dpi. Gomer, of course, doesn't know the first thing about how to fix it; hence the designer. I advise him to have the designer call us.... Exeunt to today... Now the designer calls, two days later. The order's still pending, while the designer farks around. First thing out of her mouth:
"I don't understand why it doesn't work with you when other companies can do this."
I wave off this warning flag of utter ignorance, as I must, and attempt to assist her best I can, advising her that the proof is coming up at 50% of the canvas, either due to an incorrect h/w resolution of the image, or an incorrect dpi setting.
"What application was the .jpg created in?" I ask her.
"Microsoft Image Editor; it comes with Microsoft Office, only the best dang design program there is!" as if I should not only know what it is (and only all too well)but agree with her as well. She has no other design apps on 'Microsoft's new PC, the VISTA!!" All other issues aside, I advise her re the inability to change the dots-per-inch resolution in any M$ photo management/Digital Imaging, which is nowhere near the level of design requirement options that even Publisher has, which is only a simple desktop publisher. "Well, my friend has a Mac, maybe I... OH! I have PUBLISHER!!" she shouts, all excited, where she was denigrating it minutes before.
Now, she needs assistance how to use it in creating a new design from scratch....
I refer her to the File Help page and get her off my phone before she raises her IQ suction to double-digit rates.
And she claims to be a designer.......
[By: MadJack]
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*BLAM!* "Hey, he fixed it! Wait, Bubs, why do you have a shotgun?" "Don't worry, Strong Bad. Your computer's in a better place. Or rather it's in the SAME place, but with a giant HOLE through it!" "WHY?!" "I had to do something, Strong Bad, my mouth was a broken jpeg!" -Seamus
Hell, I'll (keep) use(ing) The GIMP before I'll resort to ANY bundled s/w, esp from That-Damned-Company-Out-in-the-40-days-and-40-nights-of-rain end of the country -ShujinTribble
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56.
Urban Myth of the Day...
So, me co-worker comes up to relate this to me.... Seems he just got off the phone w/ a woman w/ whom he was helping use our HTML designer to make a letterhead design. He didn't give all the details, but, suffice it to say, he had nothing but problems walking her through it, because nothing appeared on her monitor when she was filling in the text.
The warning bells go off when he realizes he hasn't heard the clicking of the keyboard and the mouse, but the 'tink tink tink' of what sounds like something tapping against a screen....
CW: "How are you entering the information in, ma'am?"
SF: "I'm writing it on the paper, how else?" She was trying to actually write WITH A PEN (not a lead or grease pencil, but an Ink Pen) on the screen where the paper template thumb appeared.....
[By: MadJack]
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Ow. Ouch. OUCH. OUCH! -Seamus
Sounds like a blonde joke to me -McSmiley
Sounds like there should be more appropriate 'TINK' sounds coming from over there... -Avalon68
Need some whiteout for that email? -EtherRabbit
Ow! That was so stupid it hurt! As for Tech Support Urban Legends, many of them are absolutely true. Some of us have *had* those calls. -56Kdaytrader
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57.
Pranked...
For those who haven't heard:
Yours truly has been well pranked by a Grue!
A bright moment in an otherwise normal day.
A shout of 'Thanks!', bro!
And Lo: Be yon prepared, for thou never knowest when the Madman may prank back! (g)
[By: MadJack]
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Y'welcome, dude - it was a bunch of fun playing "Joe Starfish"! -Grue
"Starfish spinning...." -MadJack
Also, see next post down.... -Grue
I'll let you tell the tale, MadJack - I want to hear it from the victim's standpoint! -Grue
Aye, ya would, wouldntcha? (g).</p><p>Long story short: Grue souses out who I work for, looks up the website, plays w/ it a little bit (enough to initially pass a coupla questions and get the hook set). He calls. Co-worker takes the call. Grue gives the name 'Joe Starfish', and asks to speak to 'Jack'. Lo, he hits the target, for verily I am the only Jack on the client's t1 queue. Co-worker comes to my desk, where I'm wrapping another call. Ray tells me: Ive got a Joe Starfish wants to speak to you. Hmm. One feeler goes out. Starfish, huh? I sense the presence of a TSCer on the horn, no one else at the company except for one or two other techs and my team lead lurk around here (and none of them post regularly, trust me, in Sandy Eggo besides me theres only Xultan, Captain Trips, Atomicbill, and Billybien. Im tempted to pass, but what the heck (g) besides, it could be interesting (and, in truth, we cant really pass when someone asks for us by name. Now remember: we use VoIP, and we have not extensions to inter-person transfer (only in between queues) so, I go to the co-worker's phone. </p><p>"This is Jack. How can I help you? <br> -MadJack
(Sorry, gang, freakin' latest Firefox update is farkin' my ability to use it on my home system...)Yeah, Im having a problem getting my logo uploaded. Its a logo of a starfish.<br>
Already Im having trouble keeping from laughing, the starfish is almost a dead giveaway, but I gotta play (possibility of monitoring by the client and boss ($Diety, I hope they werent (eg) tho, on anothers phone, they still cant pin it on me (VHEG)<br>
Im hoping I can get whoevers calling to bite, but tricky w/o falling into the trap myself)<br>
What type of file are you trying to upload.<br>
Its a .jpg<br>
Okay, that shouldnt be a problem.<br>
Its a starfish, and its spinning around and around
</p><p>I know its a TSCer calling, but I cant let on, for safetys sake, and meanwhile Im trying my damnedest to keep from laughing, because I KNOW whoevers calling is laughing himself silly listening to me flounder while I try to reconcile the gag w/ the job, I gotta keep going forward, but I cant get the image of that wheel on the website that signifies that the Flash Designer is loading loading loading (and that things got enough problems after last weekends updates, but, I digress)</p><p>The image is too much, and I reach for the mute button.<br>
You there? the caller asks.<br>
I cant answer, Im going to laugh on the open phone line if I open my mouth!<br>
TSC Gotcha! Youve just been pranked by a Grue!
</p><p>Now were BOTH laughing, and Ive totally forgotten about phone decorum.<br>
You made one too many references to figure out who you work for. I tried another online printer, and they had not the first clue. So, I tried your company, and I got lucky.<br>
-MadJack
I know, its hard to post sometimes w/o referring to the company, you lose the cream of the jest sometimes.<br>
I know, I just had to prank ya; I thought your day could use a little lightening up.</p><p>
More laughter, so much so that my co-workers are looking at me like
KEEP IT DOWN!!! (Mind you, our office is fairly small, and VERY open you can hear half of everyone else from the opposite side of the break area (and all the managers offices are along one wall, with their doors open but, they dont mind to much provided the noise dies down quickly, were all techs (and our TM lurks around here VERY occasionally, too, so as long as it doesnt get out of hand)<br>
I thought you could use a break in your day. Im just sittin here up in Indianapolis, bored out of my mind, and I thought Id brighten up your day.
</p><p>We yak for a coupla minutes, and when he hears another co-worker kinda hint at me in the background, he knows Im enjoying the respite, but, dont want to get into trouble, so w/ a last laugh, we call it a call.<br>
I tell Ray to log it as a call to me and let it go.<br>
Tho, friend Grue, should I tell you...<br>
Said co-worker DID log the call...<br>
(Case notes: Customer asked to speak to Jack. Let Jack speak to him. <br>
You are now in the annals of (Next Day) Printers (company name still changed to protect the guilty (eg), listed as customer name Joe Starfish (eg)!<br>
(Hey, Im not the one who put the name in the callware! Ow! Ouch!<br>
Geordi! One to the LART Shelter! ENERGIZE!!!!
</p>
-MadJack
I'm still grinning about it - didn't know about the lack of transfer, but definitely glad you enjoyed yourself! Leonine gets the nod for the name I used, as well as the manner I was using.... -Grue
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58.
Liar, Liar...
So, Another typical Thursday. I'd be ready to say 'Cue Tom Hanks' tomorrow, but since I took Monday & Tuesday off sick (fighting a headcold and the job hazard of the threat of laryngitis, so I need to work Saturday, meh... So, another fishie calls. Same old story, file won't upload, she can't explain why, then warms up to her story and the details start piling on. "It's a two-page .pdf, I don't know what app she made it in, the designer who made it's out in California now, and we need this, like, ASAP." So, I proceed to advise re problems associated w/ uploading a two-page file, as our systems simply accept uploads as-is, they do not parse two page files into the separate images, and that as the file was given to her as a .pdf by her designer, and customer would need Acrobat Pro to edit the .pdf, I recommended she contact the designer & have her redo the file forthwith. "I didn't say this was a .pdf, you did! We did this in PUBLISHER!" I have it right here!" (Oh, is that so, now?) So, I get her to open 'the file', but it won't open. Seems Publisher can't open a .pdf file. Help-About: She's using 2k. She can't save it at the correct dpi anyway. When I explain that, she becomes very compliant. "I'm sure we've got a newer one here somewhere. I'll go there and do it, and try again." With that, she hangs up. So long, farewell, Good Riddance, and goodluckwiddat...
[By: MadJack]
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sorry, I don't get 'cue Tom Hanks' are you helping film a movie? -drachen
Maybe MJ works in Philly? Or, he's expecting retards. (Interesting side note: from what I remember of when I read Forrest Gump, he was actually an idiot savant.) -beerman
http://wavcentral.com/sounds/movies/dragnet/drgnet06.mp3 -MadJack
just because it has to be done.......Run Forest, Run! hightails it of to the lart shelter" somebody pour me a cold one!" -thatgirl
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59.
Deja Vu
So, first call of the day. She's a nice enough fish, but
she wants her designer to submit the order so she can pay for it. Not unreasonable. I advise her re the issues in doing so, primarily b/c she'll need to tell him everything but her credit card # and shoe size so that he can place the order w/o paying for it, b/c the site basically requires such for someone else to log in from elsewhere on the net; the best idea is for him to remit the files to her. The problem: "But it's too big for him to e-mail to me, it's for an oversize postcard, and it's snowing here in New England." Honey, if he has to burn it to a disk and hand carry it to you in a late winter blizzard, it's too large to upload....
So, why am I feeling like I was just here, at this time yesterday...
(Oh... b/c I was, w/ another SF just like her...)
[By: MadJack]
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deja vu -EtherRabbit
deja vu -EtherRabbit
uv ajed -neuman1812
uv ajed -neuman1812
Deja moo. The feeling you've heard all this bull before. -VFox
Vu ja De, the feeling you've *never* experienced this situation before <Thanks to Emo Phillips> -CTYankee
Deja fu, the feeling you've been kicked in the head like this before. -Veinor
Deja Tutu - as the ballerina said to the Bishop -K1W1
Deja Deja - The feeling that you've had this feeling. -ShujinTribble
Deja lu, the feeling that you've read this before. -concept14
hehe sorry - i had to reset part of the matrix to make room for Supream Commander. -Harm
Deja Who- the feeling that you don't know who's had this feeling before... -Voz
Deja Who - The feeling that you've seen that large blue box before... -ChildofCthulhu
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60.
I smell a fish...
Thank you for call "Yah, hi, can I speak to Rob?" "We do have several 'Rob's here, do you know his last name, or what dept he works in?" "Yah, he's in Automotive?" "I don't believe we have an 'automotive' dept., I'm not certain what Rob that would be then, is there something we can help you with?" "Yah, he helped me place my last order, did you change your phone # on your website? It's different than it was yesterday." "Nosir, I don't believe we have, is there something I can help you with?" "No, Rob was the one who was helping me, he's in charge of your company, isn't he? He helped me place my order, he said he was in Automotive..." (Yeah, right, cold-caller phisher-boy) "Let me get you up to that dept..." Good luck widdat...
[By: MadJack]
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(I forgot, I couldn't shine him on b/c we had the client I work for in the house... talk about timing...) -MadJack
[calm tone] "There is no Rob in charge of our company. You have called the wrong number. We are recording your call and caller ID number. Everyone in charge of a budget is hereby banned from buying anything from you. Goodbye." -Geminii
Or now that I think about it... "Hold, please." [One hour later, hang up phone] -Geminii
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61.
Beware the Ides of March...
So, after getting on the wrong bus (I read the sign right, but the sign was wrong), and sending two cigs to a VERY early grave (read: lit up, one puff, here comes the bus) I get in to work...
Call One: Starfishicus Interruptus: "Yiss, ken I have a designer upload my design so I can pay for it later?" Well, yes, if you want to send him ALL your information but your credit card, so that he can, oh, PLACE THE ORDER FOR YOU...
Call two: Miss Call Dominator: "I'm calling from so-and-so organization, for so and so, he wanted me to ask if you still have his order on file, you can search for it by his name, he needs to make changes to his files and reorder, but he's out of the country right now...." Well, common name, a bazillion customers... Needle in a Haystack, finished files and not having originals from an order placed THREE YEARS ago...
Co-worker came in, lost his wallet on the bus...
As my TL likes to say, "Techs, Beware the Ides of March..."
[By: MadJack]
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Ides of March: Tax day used to be a month earlier in Roman times...
-Mushroom
Hee hee hee... "The Rides of March" <Archie Goodwin, in reference your above> -MadJack
its the idiots of march i look out for. and every other sodding month. -timelady
Et tou, my son? </Ceasar> -RandalGraves
yea.. killed way too many primi smokes today.. plus .. everything else. -Harm
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63.
Showed himself up? Or...?
So, yet another of my 70-80 daily SF calls up, wanting to order business cards. Occasionally, one like this one calls up, who has not only no idea how to make a card, but no idea how to order, or how his compamy orders. He only knows his boss, and his boss and HIS boss order through us, and he wants some too. "Yah, I'd like to order my own business cards?" Me: "I'd be happy to help you out with that; are you needing to submit your own design, or are you wanting to create it online as you go?" "Ab, ah, um, er, ah, ab, er, blah, bluh, bub blubbity blublublublublublub...... erum, ah, ahem, can't I just order them over the phone?" "Is there a particular design you need to reorder?" "Well, other guys from my company have ordered through you before, and they told me I can order from you to. They didn't tell me how, though..." He pulls himself together, and manages to give me anough info to pull up an old order, so I can figure out if his co-horts sent us their own designs or made them on our site. Lo and behold, they've been sent as .pdfs. They've got a company designer. "Do you know if they had these designed for them?" I ask. "Well, um, they, ah, one of them did design them all..." "Has he been able to assist you with that?" "I don't know, all the designs are in my boss' office, I have to go there to figure this out..." <Shuffle clomp snuffle sniff clmop tromp shuffle> (To someone else: "Hey, I need some help, ordering these cards, how am I supposed to order these?" "We ordered them right through the website, what's the problem?" "They can't design these for me, can't I order these over the phone? Did someone design them for us?" <Sound of forehead smacking> "Duh, I did that!" <Beginnings of laughter, and a <CLICK> in my ear ends the call....
[By: MadJack]
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Lart assist...cool. -Z0nker
I only hope he was talking to someone really high up in the food chain. "Don't worry about it, Bob. You won't need business cards after all..." -Divinar
Hi. I just called. You remember me? Well, I don't need business cards anymore. I need some rsums printed. Hello? -robbor
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64.
Shoot Me Now...
It's going to be another one of those weeks. Friday, we had server problems. During the weekend, I.T. completed the upgrades. So....
First call this morning.....
The SFI typus Macintoshus Userus Controlus Freakus calls. First out of the batters box, before I can even review my e-mail re the weekend's upgrade/any outstanding issues: "Are you guys STILL having server problems? I've been trying to upload for FOUR DAYS!!!" I can't even get him to shut up long enough to find out if the upload issue happens during the middle of processing the uploaded image (which was due to servers Friday), or if not even transmitting (an entiredly different problem altogether). "Why isn't it working? IT'S ALWAYS WORKED BEFORE!! I haven't changed my file!" STFU!! He goes off beyotching about how Safari hasn't worked since a feature was added to our upload tool, and when I advise him we are incompatible w/ Safari (for the usual reasons you expect, since we support all three platform), "Well, it seems to me that since most graphic design work is done on the Mac, you should be compatible w/ Mac browsers." He doesn't even WANT to hear me telling him that we must be able to support all three platforms, and therefore is not possible to be 100% Mac compatible due to much of the Mac's proprietaryness. His upload attempts are ending differently each try, and he's not budging on using Firefox, he's got too many other incompatible browsers on his Mac already. He alludes he's trying to reorder, and I try to get him down that path. Seems he's doing it the hard way b/c he can't choose Free Ground shipping when he's in the shopping cart. He tries again (with some attempts at prodding from me, what with his non-STFUness), and manages to get it reordered with the shipping desired, w/o knocking his head against the wall on the blessed uploader. Finally, after refusing to either listen or let go "I waited too long, I'm gonna keep ya on the phone until this order's completed," he fires this parting shot: "Ever since you added that progress bar to the upload page, Safari hasn't worked with your site. Tell your I.T. dept. to get ride of it, or at least do some more testing first. I shouldn't have to adapt to your changes." 22 minutes he yapped non-stop. Somebody bring Otis and put me outta my misery, it's gonna another week from D/Hell (g)...
[By: MadJack]
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foget Otis, Here's Barrett (.50 cal) -Harm
Baby nuke, maybe? </Scorched3d ref> -TheMacOne
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65.
Would you buy a car from this SF?
Me: "Thank you for calling <>, this is MadJack, may I have your first & last name, please?" SF: "My name is <>, I have an invoice # for you..." Me: "What would your invoice # be please?" SF: "<Name...>"
[By: MadJack]
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<D.A.> His name was "Juan Andres Sventy-Ford" </D.A.> <Takes off to the LART shelter while they're trying to figure it out> -TheGhost
174? -linkv
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66.
WTF...
<Notes, nothing else will do>Customer questions re submitting files for brochure order. Customer cannot specify file type, but files are 60mb in size, little text & 6 HI-res photos (of at least 8-9mb apiece). Customer not understanding why cannot attach 60m file to e-mail, or how to reduce file below 12m limit. Advised hi-res photos embedded would need to be edited/compressed/etc, offered to transfer to 752 for in-depth assistance w/ Illustrator in reducing file size & making recommendations re original photos embedded, customer disconnected.
[By: MadJack]
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67.
Inspired...
by one of Illiterate's posts: http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a243/sdjdish/poster76856892.jpg
[By: MadJack]
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To be fair, they're not TOTALLY useless. Mine, for instance, make dandy brushes to spread Arctic Silver on CPUs. -Cybersaurus
My last job, we used them to mix small amounts of epoxy on. -Stryker One
I use old credit cards for that. But then again, my business cards are a bit "special". -Chromatix
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68.
How far is....
Too weird to be believed. The call begins as "Normal":
Me: "Thank you for calling SFI:"This is O'Hell, Colonel O'Hell, how far is it from Wooster to Bedford Hills?" Me: "??" SFI: "You're in Bedford Hills, aren't you?" Me: "I'm not familiar w/ the area you're speaking of, may I ask where you're located?" SFI: "Your flier says you're in Bedford Hills NY, is that right?" Me: "No, sir, we're (our client) located in Los Angeles." "Wait, wait, that can't be right. Here's the thing: I bought some luggage <WTF does that have to do w/ anything???>, and there was a flyer in it that advertised free luggage tags. Do you print luggage tags?" Me: "What was the name of the company you were trying to reach?" "Global Engravings, in Bedford Hills NY" Me: "This is <> Printing in Los Angeles." "This has your # on it." <Yeah, I'm sure>. "What was the # you called?" " ###-###_####" "This is ###-###-0000." "So, you're not Global Engravings. Do you engrave luggage tags, though?" "No, sir. We only do printing." "DOH! <CLICK>" Well, next time, Colonel, don't speak until I'm done speaking to you, and you might save yourself some embarassment.....
[By: MadJack]
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Can you print some brains for these starfish? -concept14
concept14 - sure. How many pin-heads did you want that on? -namor
Suddenly I feel a Hellraiser moment coming on. -ShujinTribble
Did you print the flier Col. Starfish was reading? -goqqqqself
Sure, we have an "enGRAVEr", we call it Otis. -Stryker One
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69.
I'm not understanding you...
Last call of the day. <And, thank $diety for that...>
Gomerette calls up. She's trying to submit an order for prints. "How do I send you my files?" she interrupts before I can even get my intro completed. I don't know what product she's ordering; let alone if she's submitting her own files or creating it online. "What type of item are you needing to order, please?" "Business Cards. How do I send you my files?" Okay, she's gonna be a non-cooperator. "What page are you on?" "Items." "Okay, click on 'Business Cards'""I'M ALREADY THERE!!!" <Oh, really?> "How do I send you my files?" "If you'll allow me, I'll show you; but to do that, I need to know what page you're on. Now, are you on Items, or "Items. I already told you that." "Okay then. If you're already on the 'Items' page, please click on Business Cards" "I SAID, I'm already there!" "You just said you were on 'Items. That's not..." "How do I send you my files?" "I'm trying to..." "Will you get someone else on the phone? I'm not understanding you; we're CLEARLY not communicating here." Well, no $hyte, beyotch. Get the fark off my phone if you can't be bothered to listen. "Certainly, ma'am. Just one moment." TRANSFERREING!!! <Right back to the end of my queue. Documented her brazen lack of cooperation and logged out. <rolling eyes>
[By: MadJack]
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Way to go! A trifecta- the best way to handle a caller like that- 1), transfer to the back of the line, 2), log off, 3), go home. -Voz
Alright, ma'am. We'll try to do this from another avenue. Here's what I need for you to do. First, open your mouth. Next, stick out your tongue. Now, close your mouth; stay just like that and DO WHAT I SAY, WHEN I SAY AND HOW I SAY! -RamenMcTavish
No more Mr. Nice Guy--suck it down, bitch. -vacuumtubes
*cleans up coffee buffer overrun* -ThinTheHerd
Don't we all wish we could just tell 'nuggets like this "No... you're CLEARLY going to abuse me and my co-workers in the immediate future, you refuse to listen to my directions and have a personality that makes a wolverine look like a ladybug. We refuse your 'business order' and wish you well. Good Bye *CLICK*" ...then log the person's caller ID / name in the system to boot them automatically if ever they try to call back? Don'tcha? -ShujinTribble
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71.
"What did you do?"
Customer calls up re prints he ordered through us. Seems a logo wasn't printed on his design. "I don't understand how you left the logo out, your supposed to print what we submit, don't you?" He's neepin 'n' noppin' & not letting me get a word in edgewise. When I finally get him to listen, he gives me the invoice #, and pulling it up shows exactly the file he uploaded. I tell him the design shows his background & text, no logo, as file was uploaded in .pdf format, this file (like any other finished design) cannot be changed once uploaded to the internet, image undoubtedly missing from original when uploaded. "That's impossible. We've ordered this dozens of times, and it's never been missing before. What did you do to my file?" He neeps and argues, finally, I get him to cooperate long enough to pull up the order on our website and view the files uploaded. "But that's IMPOSSIBLE! How could it not be on there!" I'll give you one guess how it couldn't be there, nitwit... TRANSFERRING!
[By: MadJack]
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Otis'll make you see a logo...a circle of stars! <TINK!>
-vacuumtubes
which reminds me VT I may need to borrow Otis, as I am currently working Techsup for a gaming company....sadly the SF are just as bad as ever. -SimianMilitant
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72.
Contract...
Okay, let's have a poll: how many of us want a contract on Prince of Darkness Bill Gate$$? (g) The upgrade issues from 5 to 6 were nothing compared to this 'nothing's compatible w/ this browser' forced upon you rollout/upgrade, and ALL of our SF customers are of course now stuck w/ this bastard browser...
[By: MadJack]
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Count me in. We've been managing to avoid it at work, but at home and on the users' home PCs . . . Grrrrr. -ManyHats
I'll toss a 20$ in.... -shrikkee
The web apps we have don't work with IE 7 for some reason. And the lawyers we support that use their home PCs to access these web apps with IE 7...so the helldesk gets reamed. Management is aware and will back us up when we say "sorry, don't support IE 7, not compatible." -Starfury
I'm with ManyHats. And as I don't actually ever have to speak to a customer.... BHWAAHHH!!!!HAAAA!!!HAA!!! -AngrySup
you could blame Eolas for forcing the issue. Microsoft says no to paying more royalties... http://cyberlaw.stanford.edu/packets001918.shtml -madonnac
just spent 1 hour trying to figure out why a customer's computer could ping her dsl modem but could not pull up the configuration in her IE....then come to find out it's IE7...ya someone's gonna die.
-drachen
okay so if every TSC member pitches in $20... we'll have more then enough for a thermonuclear device. or better a LRSW and a few .50 rounds. AND a good crim defense lawyer. -Harm
and of course add in the drm issues we're going to face in vista -McSmiley
the older hp director scan software is ie-rendering-engine-interface (yes, i know. yuk) but when the cust "upgrades" to ie7... it just vanishes. the number of uninstalls of ie7 i've done recently... if I had 5 for every time, i'd throw in a dollop for the bill gates contract. -trs998
Considering the fact that many of my callers consider upgrades/updates to call under the category "I didn't do nothin different"?- Yeah count me in! -Caffiend
Umm, guys, is Bill Gates really your target? I seem to recall that Steve Ballmer is the head honcho at MS these days... -BayouTech
Yeah... but he jumps around too much - he's gunna have a heart attack soon enough. -ShujinTribble
"Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy." -Lord John Whorfin -McSmiley
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73.
First call of the Day...
30 minutes getting a non-listening customer (BEEP BEEP! Road Runner, away!) to make a 150 dpi file into 300 to upload...
[By: MadJack]
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Oh, there's good bat-swingin' material today.............. -vacuumtubes
When I got in today, I was informed there was a training session I had to attend, that lasted an hour and contained no new info at all. Then, when I get back to my desk, I get hit with a server down call at one of our stores and so spend the next 3 hours on that. -Darth
Did you use ACME(tm) Road-Runner repellant this morning? Not by the looks of things... ;) -TheMacOne
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74.
Bah, Humbug! (NT/OT)
Yes! They're running it this year! Can't Miss! <g> Captain Picard as Ebenezer Scrooge! (Tonight at 8pm ET/PT) TNT's "A Christmas Carol" starring Patrick Stewart. (Haven't seen this version in a few years...) A must for geeks, and fans of Charles Dickens and Patrick Stewart).
[By: MadJack]
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Number One, Engage! -Wraith556
Stewart was actually garnering a one-man show he did on stage of "Christmas Carol" a few years back. I've seen this version before, and as expected, Stewart delivers! -ActingUpAgain
"I am the ghost of Christmas Yet To Come... Take my hand, Ebenezer, and I will show you what may be. 'ARCH!'" -ShujinTribble
Nope. Not me. I'm sorry, folks, but I'm actually rather "anti-Christmas." Comes from 47 years (well, at least 40) of having to defend why I don't celebrate the birth of your god. (Although my wife is of Christian beliefs, so now I do live in a house with Xmas lights and a tree, but I proudly display my menorah in my workroom window!) I'll probably help my wife with some housework this evening, then continue playing HALO. (Okay, so it's an old game, but I just picked it up in the bargain bin. I can see why it was so popular!) Although, to those who do celebrate, I say "enjoy watching the show, and have a merry one!" -Captain Trips
Patrick Stewart is a great actor in his own right. I don't think I've seen a movie where he wasn't totally believeable.
-drachen
Well, it's not a movie drachen, but do you find him believable in this? http://www.thatvideosite.com/video/3646 -LoTech
Patrick Stewart is so believable because he's always so calm, and he just has a calm face. I don't think I've ever seen him do anything even close to what I'd call overacting. -NightSteel
Has anyone seen Patrick Stewart's interview on the "Red Dwarf" DVDs? He was going to sue "Red Dwarf" for copyright infringement. While waiting for his lawyer to answer the phone, he started laughing at the jokes and hung up. -Wraith556
One out of three ain't bad... :) -TheMacOne
>Captain> Christmas in America, nowadays, has way more to do with boosting the economy than it does with a birthday. -Stryker One
Stryker -- I agree! Isn't it pathetic when non-Christians know the true meaning of Christmas better than many Christians? (That's part of why I feel the way I do -- because I do know what it is all really about, and it's NOT greed/profit!) (BTW, don't get me wrong about something: I think the teachings of Jesus are worth remembering -- love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, etc. I just don't believe that he, as a real person, ever existed. More, perhaps, as a "folk legend" compiling some of the best teachings that came before. How that got turned into "the Son of God" is beyond me. So I don't see a reason for celebrating his birth.) -Captain Trips
I light the Menorah, and watch Scrooge
every year. I've also sneaked a twinkie
now and then, too. -IceRuby
well, believe it or not, Patrick Stewart IS aclassically trained act, at least AFAIK -HappyCrappy
I've got this on DVD. It's great to watch it without commercials or breaks (other than tnose necessary for health/food/sanitary reasons). -MSimmons777
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75.
Two hours to end of shift
(Or is it 90 minutes?) There are SF, and then there are STARFISH. I had two in the last two hours of my shift.. Only two. (But, they were the LAST two of only TWO.)
So. Peak ordering time of day is upon us. Desperate customers trying to get orders in before our end of business day cutoff for batching & printing. # 2 calls b/c he cant get a .pdf to proof. Seems he couldnt create both sides of a business card design in Publisher, and so created it in Word. Knowing, somehow, that he cant possibly upload a .doc to us, possibly b/c we cant possibly PROOF a Word Processing file as an IMAGE!! He converts his .doc to a .pdf using some half-assed freeware converter he downloaded from the intarwebs. He proceeds to convert the entire full sheet into a .pdf w/o first setting it to the dimensions for the canvas size he wants to order. His hard work is shunted halfway down the right side of the 8.5x11, and when he uploads, what shows up in our online proof zone? NADA. Nuttin but empty paper. Which is precisely all there is in the upper left corner of the sheet. ID10T calls up to neep he cant get it to upload. Nothing uploaded! WAAAHHH!!! I get him to dunk his order in the shopping cart so I can see it. All is clear as day the moment the .pdf opens, whats happened is par for the course when a gomer uploads a .pdf w/o knowing anything about .pdfs in the first place. A .pdf converter in the hands of a SF is like a PC in the hands of a SF; or, better yet, like a gun or a car in the hands of a drunk. A dangerous weapon to the user and everyone near. Step AWAY from the computer, stafrish! Step AWAY!!! Your computer is going to hurt you if you keep this up! Whats more, hes submitted both sides of a double-sided card design in one file. Our systems direct-image to printing plate, we did not configure ourselves to parse images apart. The last thing we want is our SF thinking we will do anything a storefront will do. What we are is an internet extension of your home printer (albeit with better quality). Click print, we print what you send to the printer.
[By: MadJack]
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76.
Part 2
So, I advise Mr. Strafish of his problem. Damn! I coulda just stuck with Publisher, then! Before I know it, hes emulating the SF I posted about yesterday. Downloadable template on larger default canvas. Hes off. BEEP BEPP!! Road Runner, away!! He doesnt even PRETEND to listen to my suggestions on how to follow our very simple online instructions and have his design submitted in a matter of minutes. Over 15 minutes, I sit in standby mode while he works, unwilling to disconnect. I took forever to get you1 Well, if you and everyone else like you wouldnt keep us hanging for 30, 45 minutes, an HOUR while you use us as sounding boards for your stupidity and egos, we wouldnt TAKE SO FARKING LONG!!! Stupidfish. Apologies in advance to Uncle Remus, but this particular kind of SF is like the Tar Baby to Brer Rabbit. Forget the savior factor; theres just no other way to describe them. You get stuck with them, you aint gettin unstuck until they got no reason left to stick. They stick like tar to your shoe, and theyre not coming off.
Finally, Mr. Fish finishes fucking around and tries to upload. Woe unto my team, our servers have bottlenecked from too many hits by too many customers at the same time.
[By: MadJack]
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77.
Part 3
Gomers flooding the phones, and our boss looking daggers at anyone not on the phone, or on the phone longer than 5 minutes. Meanwhile, yours truly has been on this call for 30 minutes now. Out of the frying pan, into the 10th level of Hell. But I gotta get my order in TO-DAAAYYY!!! I gotta have it day after tomorrow! Well, maybe ifyoud bothered to PLAN A LITTLE BETTER!!!! AAAArrgghhh Im sorry, its the server. Its not going to successfully upload and proof until the bottleneck clears.
[By: MadJack]
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78.
Part 4
Hes not listening. Like a bird in the window, he uselessly attacks the server. Upload fail. Upload fail. UPLOAD FAIL. The bottleneck wont clear until the load eases and IT can clear it. Upload fail. Upload fail. Ive GOT to make todays deadline! You and EVERYONE ELSE, which is why this is happening! Maybe if youd STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE. Neep nop, neep nop, he bitches and moans for ANOTHER 20 minutes while he continues battering his empty head against a brick wall. Finally, he accedes to the inevitable. Well, are you at least going to extend the deadline for this?
[By: MadJack]
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79.
Part 5
MUTE! snort heehee Snort! Rumba rumba SNORT RIP! <With apologies and thanks to Garfield <g!> bwAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! YEAH, RIGHT!!! Unmute. Im sorry, the cutoff is automatic. Its server controlled, we process too many orders every day to attempt to handle any part of the FTP to printing process MANUALLY. But, cant you just go in and extend the deadline? No (etc, et al, ad nauseum). But I need these in today! If youre on a bridge, you still have to go through when the bottleneck lets up! Hey, ILL do the I.T. metaphors around here, thank you very much. Neep neep ad nauseum for ANOTHER 20 minutes. GAH! I couldnt beat the truth into this guys head with Otis, fuhpetessake! Forget the bat, wheres Gary Mitchell when you need him? Finally, he stops neeping just long enough for me to gain the offensive. Let me get our second tier group on the line, they can advise if thats possible. He lets me transfer him. THANK $DIETY hes gone.
Ten minutes later, hes back, and asking for me. Seems everyones now on hold with our L2 for precisely the same reason, and he just cant hold. (Just like every other SF) Tough luck for him, b/c SF # last had already glued himself to my ear.
[By: MadJack]
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80.
Half an hour to go
Before I can get up after being rooted to my chair for an hour, my throat dry, my bladder full, my knees locked, BEEP!! Here comes the next SF. He thinks hes a designer, but he still needs baby-walking through the process. He wants to know the best file type to send. No sooner is his file uploaded, than hes off trying to get assurance about his proof. What about the color? It looks a little faded. Its a low-resolution preview. Its not the original. The preview is bigger than the print is, anyway.
[By: MadJack]
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81.
Pt 3
Making their decisions for them is verboten, like an OEM supporting files. What am I, SF, your freakin eyes? End of business cutoff (and not coincidentally the end of my shift) is fast approaching, and hes going on and on AND ON.. about our guaranteeing that a blend of where one color shifts to another that fading he sees between them in the lo-res wont print that way. We make no guarantees, what you send is what you get.
[By: MadJack]
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82.
Pt 4
By this time, my bladder is aching, and my head is flying from fatigue. I dont even know what Im saying, and Im tripping over my tongue, making things worse. Finally, I sell him on the last upload should be perfectly fine; too late for his order to go to press tonight. NOW, he wants me to tell him what shipping option he should choose.
SUGGEST, yes. Recommend, MAYBE. Make his decision for him? AB-SO-LUTE-LY NOT.
[By: MadJack]
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83.
Pt 5
I go over the timetables for all options. I need this by next Thursday, and I need it cost effective! I can only tell you what the timetables look like. I cant tell you what you must choose. I want you to make the decision for me! You want me to decide for you. Yeah right. You want to know my decision? Heres my decision, fucknugget! I decide I want to have Q powers so I can Gary Mitchell you through the phone. I decide I want you OFF MY FUCKING PHONE, PRIVATE PYLE!! Finally, somehow, with gentle prodding ($diety knows how I managed only that), he makes his decision. Then, he wants to call back to see how it looks after it prints. This is a freakin call center, the end prints dont come up here, fufuckssake!!! He demands that I notate his file that he asked me to decide for him. I, meanwhile, have been concentrating on document, document, DOCUMENT while I try to get rid of him; Im already past end of shift, the client does NOT like overtime, and Im going to be standing around at the bus stop w/ my thumb up my ass in the cold for close to 30 minutes. I notate his file clearly with his requests, what I told him, and what HE decided, and told him I so noted as he requested. Finally, with a promise to call back during my shift tomorrow (for what useless reason, $diety only knows, hes gone, half an hour after my shifts over.) Two Kling-On starfish, in two hours. Forget two hours of my life I wont get back, I can think of better ways to spend two of eight working hours..
[By: MadJack]
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84.
Why I hate Firefox Updates...
Sorry about the two strung out story posts, gang. Freaking FF updated itself w/o so much as a by your leave from me (and I set up options to ALWAYS prompt me before updating). Freaking FF updated to 1.5 on it's own, and now the freaking thing crashes my connection when I attempt to post... Things are getting beyond our control when MS FireFox decides it knows better than you, and resets your homepage to Google Firefox... You can't keep freakin' spyware out the way they're tooled now, I swear... GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
[By: MadJack]
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"MS FireFox"?! -ShujinTribble
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85.
Missing Part 2
Fucking bullshit today just won't end... fuckin' gomers, and then this FF bullshit... ggggggggrrrrrrr..... What is this, still Monday? Anyhoo, the missing portion between 1 & 3...
He wants absolutes. We dont guarantee color matching, anyone who prints in CYMK knows the problems involved. Is the .jpg better, or the .tif? (Mind you, hes talking about his particular files, not the file types in general.) WhudamI, a graphic designer? Youre the person ordering, YOU have to be the judge! I cant say I recommend this or We recommend that.
[By: MadJack]
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86.
Two weeks to Christmas...
<Sorry in advance for no formatting, need to buy some new star powers (if I can afford it on my pay...) Clueless Know It All calls in. She's submitting a design for our half-sheet size postcard. SF downloaded our Publisher template from our website, created her design, and submitted it. Successfully, so she thought, until she saw the proof after it uploaded. The online proof is half the size it should be. She calls, and I have the misfortune to be the next available tech when she's first in line. "I can't upload your template. Blahblahblahblah..." she's off and running, 100 words a minute. Despite her rambling, I manage to fit the pieces together. "Okay, the proof you uploaded is at 50%. What file type did you upload?" "I made a .jpg from your Publisher template." Publisher. Fine. Simple enough. She's claiming she's followed our instructions (yeah, right!), but how can we tell from this end? It takes 15 minutes to walk her through the setup, she can't check her print options, she keeps closing and reopening Publisher, and meanwhile she's "Neep! Neep1" "Nop! Nop!" "Neep Nop!" "Neep nop neep!" etc, et al, ad nauseum... She's not even hearing my directions to simply LOOK at 'Print Options' under the canvas selector, I say "Print Options", she goes to the Printer tab. One step by the hand, and "BEEP BEEP!" Road Runner, away! She's off again, ten miles ahead and not listening. Finally, getting perilously close to lunchtime, she assures me the file is set to all the correct specs (dpi included), and manages to get it uploaded and plunked in the shopping cart so I can pull it up from the FTP server. Finally, I can see the damned file, and the problem becomes immediately clear when I see the 5.5x8.5 design is centered full page with 50% paper color, rather than what should be a full-bleed half-page design. "It's not the specs, the canvas appears to be full-sheet." Neep nop neep nop neep nop neep, "I did everything right!" I can't open our template on my system (Ubuntu, remember?), I manage to get her to quiet down and put her on hold so I can go use one of the Windoze lappys we have for just this sort of thing. I download the template from our site and crack open Publisher. Bingo. Just as I suspected. (You KNOW what's coming....) I go back to my desk and take her off hold. "It looks as though what happened is that you set the specs correctly for the file, but what happened was that when you opened our template in Publisher, Publisher opened it in IT'S default template, which is a standard 8.5x11 sheet of paper, and centered it on the sheet. The rest of the full sheet needs to be removed. When you set the canvas to half-sheet specs, the artwork you created at half size was resized accordingly." NEEEEPP!!! "Well, how was I supposed to know that? You should post that on your website!" <Headdesk... headdesk...) My stomach is growling by now. Yeah, right. We're gonna post for all our gomers that they need to watch out for a shitty M$ product default. She's off again. "I hate Publisher anyway. Why don't you support Pagemaker? Publisher is the dark ages!" MUTE! Snort! Hahahahahahaha!!! You want to submit an ancient 150dpi .pgm, and PUBLISHER (2k3) is 5h3 DARK AG3S? Unmute. "We DO support InDesign, but..." "I can't afford InDesign! What'reyougonnadotafixthis?" "As your design on the overall canvas is only half size of the 5.5x8.5, if you copy & paste it into an entirely new canvas it'll undoubtedly become badly pixelated, the best thing I can suggest is rather than using the downloadable template, that you click on the 'create my own template' link and just follow the instructions, just like you did before. The canvas will be the correct size, no extra "paper", and when you save it it'll be the correct size." "But I can't do this all over! I need to have this in today! It's two weeks to Christmas and it's going to take all week just for you to print & ship it! Your company name says <>, why isn't it <>?" (Company name removed to protect the guilty <eg>)...CUE DAFFY!! Well, maybe you should planned a littel farther ahead, huh? Finally, wash my hands of her, and just recommend she copy/paste her design from the old file to the new, and she submits and hangs up. TGI Lunchtime. And, It's STILL two weeks to Christmas weekend...
[By: MadJack]
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Repeat after me: "A lack of planning on *your* part does not make for an emergency on *my* part" -Divinar
Emergency rates are 10x standard rate. Direct deposit. Your choice. -TheMacOne
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88.
Funny? or Sad?
Backstory: SDT is upgrading all their ancient ticket vending machines. Same thing, just newer hw that APPEARS more interactive. <"Oh, look at the pretty graphics on the screen! kinda thing....> So... from the trolley window, I see a new machine with big red letters "OUT OF SERVICE" at the Civic Center station downtown.
And, guess what was on the 'monitor' screen: http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a243/sdjdish/WINDOWS2000.gif
So much for transit improvements <eg>
[By: MadJack]
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Are we talkin' about twains here? Twains wunning on Windows? We're all doomed! -robbor
It's prolly maintained by Cocks HSD, too! -billybien
Note the Civic Center Station MadJack is talking about *IS* with in 25ft of City Hall. http://tinyurl.com/yby2lk . Big white blg in the middle is cityhall, south of that is the trolley tracks. -Xultan
round Ottawa Oc transpo has bus arrival times up on monitors.. its pretty common to see Dr Watson errors up rther then bus shedual -- for days at a time
-Harm
Um, Xultan, the Civic Center IS our "City Hall." And, yes, that station is right there -- of course, all San Diego Transit systems (the Trolley and the Busses) go right past it. If only they also were more convenient for those who live in the rest of the city! -Captain Trips
Sydney's CitiRail often has Windows NT Start buttons and taskbars showing on the timetable information screens. -Wraith556
So, San Diego is still pretending to have a public transit system, eh? I'm amazed the people who own-- excuse me, *run* -- the city allow it: after all, public transportation enables poor people and non-whites to move around more freely, and go to neighborhoods they Don't Belong In. -MeanDean
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89.
Veterans' Day
(Okay, so it's nt/ot; that's not important.)
The day (on the calendar) may be tomorrow...
but the official observances are TODAY.
It's Veterans Day in the USA;
and Remembrance Day in the UK/CA.
Have you thanked a Veteran today?
Vets: Sound off!! We earned it.
[By: MadJack]
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I have thanked a Vet today, but thank YOU, Jack. :-D I watched the whole Band of Brothers DVD set last night to help make me thankful. -ThinTheHerd
Yes, thank you to all the vets out there. -FixitWench
A big thank you to all the Vets out there. Personally it doesn't matter to me if you served in a major event (WW1 and 2, Korea, Nam, Gulf war) or were lucky enough to avoid active battle, you have served you countries and kept us all safe and for that, we salute you and owe you all a big debt of gratitude. **Seen on a bumper sticker, "If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in English, Thank a Vet"** -halitech
My father is a Vietnam vet. He signed up for the Navy, and was drafted into the Marines the same week. He spent 3 months in each port for each branch working as a field medic. He recieved two Purple Hearts - one from being in a helicopter shot down, and shrapnel enbedded in his thigh, and the other one he doesn't talk about. He was also awarded the Silver Star, but doesn't talk about that either. He is an exceptionally strong man, and I hope to be half as successful as he is at work and at play. So to my father, and the many others like him, I give my most sincere thanks. -ActingUpAgain
I am a vet and I really appreciate the kind comments. WIth the current world situation there are going to be alot more of us.
Lest we Forget -govtech
govtech, in 1 way I hope you are wrong but on the other hand, I hope that you are right (first way, no more conflicts, 2nd way that they survive whatever duty they have to perform) -halitech
In the 80's they were going to FINALLY have a 'Welcome Home' parade in NYC for the vets of Viet Nam. The Big-Time radio station (Z-100) put it this way after giving the what & where's... "...And a special message to all the men and women who've served in the United States Armed Forces...... 'Thank You'." That's why I always put it simply that way. I will never know what its like to be in a combat zone, though I've taken more than my fair share of emotional pain. So I add my 3 Euros.... "To all the men and women of the armed forces, no matter where you, who you are: 'Thank You'." -ShujinTribble
I only know one vet to personally thank, my spoose, Sarge. She served in the Vietnam Era Army, but was not posted overseas. She did manage to serve though with a lot of folks who were overseas. The stories are scary. My grandfather was American, and joined the BEF and fought in France from 1914 on. So, to the vets I know/have known, we remember. -Mysty
While I may never serve in the military due to health reasons, the men and women in our branches of the service have my utmost respect. Both of my grandfathers have served. My dad's father served in England during WWII. Because he passed away when I was fairly young, I don't know the extent of his service. My mom's dad (who is still with us) served 3 tours in Viet Nam as a Green Beret. This man was literally blown out of a truck, and I am thankful every day I can spend with him. -64kCacheMemory
This AF vet joins govtech in thanking you for the kind words. It's nice to be appreciated... -PTSTech
Ive thanked all the ones I know. -RandalGraves
RG - When you've thanked one you DON'T know because you saw him sitting, eating lunch at the mall... THEN, Grasshopper, you will have attained Enlightenment. </Yeah... I do that often> -ShujinTribble
My husband (former Army) and myself (former Marine) thank you, very much. -ManyHats
My company gave all the Vets here a free lunch as thanks. Second year in a row. -Year9595
My grandfathers and I are all vets, though I never saw combat firsthand, being an aircraft maintainer, I did time in Turkey in support of combat ops. (I usually try to keep a low profile in that regard, others deserve the recognition so much more than I do.) -NightSteel
Land of the free because of the brave. Thank you to all. -exzyle2k
Used to know a Gallipoli survivor, 20 years ago. That was a rare privilege. I loathe war, commend those brave enough to fight in one. Thank you for your courage! -timelady
Thank you -Stryker One
US Army Vet. Thank You to all my fellow brothers and sisters in arms, and You're Welcome to all those who appreciate the service and sacrifices we made. -TechnoVampire
This USAF vet says "Thank You" to all those posting, as well as to all my Siblings In Arms. -Grue
Thank you all of you who helped make/keep this country free. -TheMage18
Hey, gang, wanted to be among the last to comment b4 this post slides beyond th3 2day mark, haven't beeven ven online to spkov... felt I should be a late commentor on this, as I wuz the poster... It's heartening to hear the kind words, and to see my fellow vets post, which is what today was all about: our fellow vets. (I'm amazed I typeed that straight... woohoowhoowhadwuzIsaying? Oh, yeah... <sorry, gang, those MoJos creep up on ya...(dtill sistracted, zorry...) to everyone here, and to every brother and sister in arms, worn or still wearing the uniform... my e33p (I can't type striahgt, lemme try again, this may time a few takemoments...)... My Deepest respects and honors, you all deserve no less. And to everyone: THANK YOU!!!!
-MadJack
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90.
Murphy at work...
Nuttin' special... Just amusing... phones go down... phones come back up, website goes down... site comes up, phones go down... I'm on a call w/ a gomerette, working on a Publisher file... Just when she's ready to upload, the site goes down... actually, not down, but blank. As in BLANK page. "Well, isn't this nice?" she sez. "Isn't it ironic?" I replied, b4 I could help myself... (Well, at least she laughed...) She hangs up... and the website's back up. Anyone else hearing Alanis singing in the background while Murphy is ROFDL'ing? <g>
[By: MadJack]
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Don;t ask me for MY def of "Ironic". You woudln;t like it. -ShujinTribble
That's what you get for "Thanking India"... -Daywalker
"Baldrick, do you know what irony is?" "Yeah, s'like silvery & goldy, 'cept it's made of iron." -AmazingKreskin
It's ironic really 'cause I have a thinggy shaped exactly like a turnip... -ChildofCthulhu
Irony is not just making clothes flat... -Quchant
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91.
Ghost in the Machine
Just in time for Halloween, at that. So far, in the 80 minutes since I logged on, aside from the usual assortment of gomers and SF (some of which are as mindless as others who've called me this week), our website has crashed, internal tool and e-mail servers are down, and the phones keep going down (mine dropped a gomer's call, rebooted itself (VoIP phones, remember?) and kept me logged on (waiting for sup to clear system so I can log on (and I'm complaining, why? <G!>)...
And, to think it happened right after I changed my wallpaper to this:
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a243/sdjdish/HoldPlease.jpg
Halloween's come early! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA.....
[By: MadJack]
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and doubly good ;) -halitech
That's a very nice portrait of TheGhost! -viennasausage
And your server room is built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground? -Wraith556
come awaaaay from the four liiiiights! -ShujinTribble
OH NO THE APACHES ARE BACK, HANK, THERE'S A TENT IN YOUR PANTSSSSS!!! A billion points o' cool if you can identify the quote. -TranceGemini
Have the elevators gushed torrents of blood yet, a la Shining? -vacuumtubes
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92.
Is it Friday yet?
So, a gomerette who called for a quote a month ago calls back. TWUCE. First time, all the info in the world EXCEPT the one thing that would find her order (the ACTUAL ORDER NUMBER, for example) couldn't find the order someone else placed for her. Smells like her designer hoodwinked her. I tell her find the box from the mailing house she sent it to and get the invoice # off it. She does, and calls back w/ the number before lunch. Her designer placed the order, under the name of her mailer, without using the code I gave the customer for the sale price which I of course duly noted in my log from her first conversation w/ me a month ago that she had been given said code. She neeps and moans about not being given the code, griping and nopping on like she did the first time, not hearing half of what I tell her. Finally, I send her up to tier 2 to get the greedy squeaky wheel greased. I'll be hearing about that, at a $200 difference in price, I'm sure... And people wonder why I write novels in my notes...
[By: MadJack]
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No, but it will be Friday here before anywhere else <EG> -K1W1
Tomorrow is my Friday; I'm taking a day off this week. -Starfury
And everyday shal be CATURDAY!</Chan board mem> -ShujinTribble
Today's my Monday. And it's already starting out that way. Alarm set for 6:30 (gotta get the kiddies off to school)...but, no, my body decides that 5:55 is the *perfect* time to drop my blood sugar down to *thirty-fucking-three* (for those not familiar with diabetes, anything under 70 is bad, anything under about 50 is *very* bad). Get up, grab some pop-tarts (quick, and raises the blood sugar back up), and, of course, realize that it's pointless to go back to bed until after the kids are at school. I have the feeling I'll have a stronger than usual relationship with a coffee pot today. -missourimule
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93.
Two for Tuesday...
Two people in two hours, calling back to bitch about something they fucked up when they didn't do something I repeatedly advised them to do. This one, I talked to on Friday, walking him through making changes to his order on our site. Trees. That's what SF are: TREES. You talk to them, they don't hear. The only thing they give you back is their carbon dioxide (aka gaseous venting). This guy's order is on hold, b/c he farked up the layout. Now, he wants ME to change it for him, sight unseen. I can't do that; oh the legal issues it entails, not to mention the potential for termination. I tell him I can't, he demands to speak to a supervisor to GET PERMISSION for me to circumvent one of our client's most sacred rules, which are: 1) DO NOT tell the customer you're w/ an outsourcer. 2) DO NOT! make changes to the customer's orders, EVEN ON THEIR VOCAL AUTHORITY. (Only sensible, oh the lawsuits it'd open us up for, much like doing support for personal files back in my Hell days). Both sups are on the phone. I tell him so, he says "Have them call me back in 10 minutes. If you can't, cancel my order."
Sorry, can't guarantee they will, and we ain't gonna cancel your order on your say so. The site's self-service. You want it, YOU do it.
[By: MadJack]
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um, trees 'vent' O2...not Co2.. if I remember my H.S. Biology -Psudo
Psudo: <nit-picking>trees vent O2 during the daylight but consume some C02 during the dark.</nit-picking> -NordicPT
Trees are evil and emit nuclear radiation! Okay, maybe they don't. -robbor
<DA>Actually, they do... C-14, IIRC</DA> -ShujinTribble
If a starfish posts a question in the woods, and there's no tech around to hear it, did they really make a noise? -AngrySup
If a starfish posts a question in the woods, and there's no tech around to hear it... who staple-guns them to the tree? -ShujinTribble
"No, aaaaand... no. Was there anything else?" -Geminii
"I talk to the trees... that's why they put me away..." -Geminii
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94.
Mystery call? Or just clueless? U decide
<Back story to "attachment' EUPOTDs>
She called back AGAIN. I'd SWEAR it was the same one who called last week; but there were no existing logs under her 'name'. Our e-mail support group sent her a file she'd requested to use for a design she wished to order. She has NO clue how to open an attachment, and wants someone to baby-step her step-by-step through the entire process from saving the attachments to completing the order, or better yet, do it for her. She has no one to assist her locally, and by the sound of her has no business being in the vicinity of anything electronic. "How do I save it? I don't under-stAHHHAAAANNDD!!!" she nasally whines. My mind boggles at the concept that there is one, let alone MORE than one, person who has no earthly clue how to do something so basic as to click on an attachment. SF do this to invite viruses from their e-mails every day. I'm rendered speechless. How do I say to her "If you can't even understand the concept of 'click to open' (she uses Hotmail, so I found out later... MUCH later...) She thinks the call dropped and hangs up in disgust. Two of them in less than a week....
[By: MadJack]
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There *really* is more than one person who "doesn't know how to open an attachment". I got a call other day from one of our satellite offices inquiring who is the idiot that answers our phones. A big wig was in our office and needed a document. It was emailed to the idiot we call a receptionist who whined she didn't know how to open and print an attachment. Did she forward the call to someone who could have helped, or even ask for instruction? NOOO. The big wig's assistant called me back to ask me to take care of it. F'in incompetents, I tell you. -FixitWench
<TINK!><TINK!><TINK!>..... -vacuumtubes
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95.
U Decide.... Part 2.
The first call was before lunch.
The second time.... she called back about an hour b4 end of shift. Same woman. Same problem. Same WHIIIINNNE.... "I DON'T UNDERSTAAAHHHAAAANDDD!!!!" $DIETY HELP ME, I can feel the brain cells dying like the citizens of Alderaan... I try to focus on speaking to her level to assist her as best I can... and find some way to deflect her... (both times, I hear the clicking of the keyboard in the background... yellow alert sirens going off in my head... what do you usually think of when you hear that on the other end of the phone?)
Somehow, I manage to talk her through opening the attachment and saving the image to her hdd. "Lemme rename this, I don't like the name 'untitled' they gave it. I was supposed to get two! I told then I need both sides!" Shit. Another thing before I can walk her through uploading and explain to her how simple it is. I can see the call lasting the rest of my shift. I try to get her to open the file...
[By: MadJack]
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96.
U Decide.... Part 3
So, I try to get her to copy the file. "I don't understaaahhaaandd!! Why is this so difficult!!" (The cry of the computer illiterate faced with something so simple a 2 year old can do it.) "Right click and choose 'copy'." "There's no 'copy'." No copy? You just can't do it right. I get her to open it and do 'Save as'. "There's no 'Save As'. WTF? "What happens when you click on 'File'?" "When I click on the file, it opens?" Not THE file, 'FILE'! AAAArrrrrrrrgggggghhhh.....
[By: MadJack]
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97.
U Decide.... Part 4
Sorry for the long and broken story, no star powers... (should renew them onea thse daze....)
"Go to the menu bar, where it says 'File/Edit/View'."
"OOOOHHH!!! FILE!!!" "That's right. Now. What happens when you click on 'File'?" "The file closes."
Inept... incompetent... I'm trying my damnedest to keep my patience w/o my condescendence showing. "Click on 'File'." Another round of her clicking on THE file, not 'File'. "Double click on the icon with the name <file>." "Okay." "Now. Click on 'File', next to 'Edit'. "I'm clicking 'Edit'." <Cue Daffy: "No, NOOO!!!"> "Please click on the command 'File'." "Got it." (I do website support. Why am I doing basic Windoze usage support for this person?")
[By: MadJack]
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For the record - we (Little_Local_ISP) do *NOT* support "How Do I xxx With Program xxx" except for a few key items: Prox, mail account setup, news account setup, mail filter setup (Though, to be fair, all the info on how to do it is in our web-help too). Far as we're concerned, we're a pipe, not a school. (Leave the snyd "pipe" comments out of it, guys and gals) -ShujinTribble
My guess is she was clicking the File menu on a window behind Picture and Fax Viewer. The window in question was taking focus, and she couldn't see her file any more, so assumed it had closed. I feel your pain :( -Mango
ShujinTribble > It's "tubes" not "pipes". -Stryker One
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98.
U Decide.... Part 5
I get her to finally click on 'File'. (All this to copy something. Yeagaahhdzzzzzzz!!!1) "What happens when you click on 'file'?" "It closes again." W...T...F. "What program is it opening in?" "What? Program? What are you talking about?" (Much like when I first asked her what e-mail she used. "E-mail? I don't understand!") "What's the name on the blue bar at the top of the screen?" "Windows Picture and Fax Viwewer." Windows P/F Viewer DOESN'T HAVE 'File/Edit/View'! Red Alert sirens are going off in my head. Clicking on 'File' my ass, LIAR!!! Finally, I convince her the best thing to do is to send her request to have her <item> designed for her, and sent back for her to approve before she orders it. "But I e-mailed them this morning, and they haven't answered yet!" Somehow, patiently, I explain our turnaround on e-mail contact. She FINALLY goes quietly into 'that good night' of the almighty Dial Tone.
[By: MadJack]
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"I don't underSTAND!" "Then go take a class or read a book. There are TWO-year-olds who can manage this, and my job does not include doing your thinking for you." -Geminii
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99.
Time for U to decide....
So. Enter the fact that the client on who's contract I work is NOTORIOUS for not just test calling us (much like Cox's 'Mystery Calls'. (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt that says "I Got Game!" to prove I kicked ass.) but for pushing our buttons, to see how far they can press us in the name of serving their customers. <Hey, corporate, your own people have your gomers bitching about hold times, you gotta waste our time with this, DELIBERATELY trying to provoke us into doing something you can fire us for? Keep it up, that kinda thing's ACTIONABLE...> Theur 'test' callers are SUPPOSED to identify themselves as with the client, and say the call was a test call. ('SUPPOSED to' being the key words....)
So....
Ya think my boss'll have an e-mail that I was 'supe-called' twice yesterday (whadda coincidence, twice in the same day by the same person, and we don't have direct extensions)? Or....
<Blink..... blink.... It hurst... It HURTS....>
Or is she REALLY that stupid?
I'll know when my boss gets (or doesn't get) the e-mail....
And it's only Monday....
[By: MadJack]
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i believe in the power of human stupidity.
-illiterate
A whole new breed of stupidity is born every 20 seconds I guess. -MarkerMage
"Now we know the speed of stupid."</roseanne> -AmazingKreskin
"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity." Or: Yes, yes I do think she's that stupid. You should see some of the users I've come across. -Captain Trips
You're all right. Boss told me no e-mails re sup calls on me yesterday. Ye gods... God help me if she's ever queued to my phone again... -MadJack
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100.
How do I minimize?
More than just an UEPOTD... this SF was calling to upload her prints... over AOL dialup... (and we don't support AOL browser, it ain't compatible w/ our site...) while on her cell... from YELLOWSTONE PARK.... and she has no clue how to minimize, when I asked her to minimize AOL and open IE... <forget rolling, insert endlessly SPINNING eyes here....>
[By: MadJack]
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The ranger isn't gonna like this. -Jay911
And the bear will find the cell phone a bit crunchy! -Wraith556
Screw the ranger, BooBoo. We're hungry and starfish is SO tender! </evil Yogi> -docbrown01
Ye-ah-okay, Yogi... But he won't lay still for me to.</Evil BooBoo> -ShujinTribble
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101.
Thank $DIETY it's FRIDAY...
This kind of customer belongs under customer types, but we've all posted about them... besides, type don't do those SF justice.
Fridday starts out sucky from the frist call of the day. The order server is down, every gomer is calling "My shopping cart is empty!!!" After an hour, it's fixed, and things get back to normal, and, as usual, lunch gets delivered.... greasy, gooey, drippy make your taste buds cry in absolute JOY olive oil pizza.... and for this, I PAY.... by somehow intheriting the stupid magnet... all afternoon, stuidpidfish who can't seem to understand the concept of 'only INTENDED RECEIPIENTS can confirm they got the E-MAIL you sent them...." Cheezeus Holy Freaking Rice, we're phone support, what made you think we handle e-mail support, too??? and gomers who expect ;you to troubleshoot their files when you not only can't SEE them and thankfully can't have them e-mailed to you directly... then... the VERY last one... at 4:35, HE called... the stupidest of most stupid that every was STUUUU----PIIIIIDDDD!!!!! He wants to place an order for (type of print). He has no clue about what type of files he wants to use. He has given NO... Yes, NO thought to the text on the back of these cards. He has FIFTY to upload, and he has no CLUE how to upload... and he can't shut up... the type that needs you to baby step them through the entire process, start to finish... the connections are shyte (have I metioned we use VoIP?)
[By: MadJack]
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102.
Thank $DIETY it's FRIDAY... Pt 2
the connections are shyte (have I metioned we use VoIP?) and his stop/start routine (I don't get it!/Damn he's not even listening....)leaves you feeling like an overworked transmission... after twenty five minutes of "Nobody's helping me... I've been waiting for a reply to my e-mail for 45 MINUTES!!!! (Our e-mail support group is overworked to the max and their contact turnaround is 1-2 days...) Will you help me? Please help me..." I can't pawn him off on someone else, he's been jabbering on for 20 minutes, I have five minutes until my shift is over, and I haven't even been able to get a word in edgewise... (and I'm so rambling on like he was... that's the effect they have on you... Friday... tired... weather changes... pain... hurt... must pee... head hurts... and he's cutting my IQ points by 50% with every neep... Finally, he shuts up long enough to let me show him how to upload a file.... he has 50 orders to upload... at the first attempt, he seems to understand that he can only upload art for one print at a time (front only or front/back)... they upload oriented wrong... he spends another 5 minutes fucking around trying to reorient them....
[By: MadJack]
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103.
Thank $DIETY it's FRIDAY... Pt 3...
Somewhere in the middle of it all, he neeps about how paranoid he is about submitting his credit card info online... and with fifty images to upload at 500 apiece and about $20 an item, it's going to cost him... I'm trying to get him to perform the simple task of uploading ONE FREAKING FILE... and he hasn't even asked about creating the back yet... and he keeps trying... and trying... I can't see what he's doing on his computer, and yet is becomes searingly clear to me that OH MY FUCKING GOD, HE'S FUCKING TYRING TO UPLOAD EVERY FUCKING FILE using the SAME FUCKING BROWSER UPLOAD LINE... He's neeped all through the call about the quality of the line every time I said something he didn't want to hear... after every other call today, I'm ready to tear my fucking hair out, and I can feel the looks of pity from my co-horts on the day shift as they log out... the boss is waiting for me to finish b/c all our systems are being re-imaged so as to install our new telephony sw... I'm gesturing to him *Go listen in!!!!" He rolls his eyes... FINALLY... Gomer Pyle is done... "What do I do now?"
[By: MadJack]
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104.
Thank $DIETY it's FRIDAY... End
It's now 5:15... I've missed one bus, and I'm about to miss the next one... "Whut do I do now?" O... M... F.... G.... I can't bear to tell him to clik 'upload now'... a silent scream sears up to whatever $Diety protects faithful techs.... and... at that precise moment... the call server CRASHED. THANK YOU, GOD.... I make the next bus with a minute to spare, and get home safely despite three ID10T SUV drivers on their cell phones running me down against their red lights... I pity the person on the evening shift who got that uberfish when he called back...
[By: MadJack]
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Footnote: This kind of sf, I would love to tell "Step AWAY from the computer BEFORE IT HURTS YOU..."... except... this one, he'd be better off if it DID... -MadJack
Ask him if there is a child present, and if not, tell him to go rent a neighbor's kid ($diety forbid he reproduces!) and have him/her do it. But for $diety's sake, NEVER EVER TOUCH THE DAMN'D COMPUTER AGAIN!! -unrenowned
I know it's cliche now, but I can't help myself: "OK, we've got a 12:00 flasher here..." -Antacid
I wonder if some sympathetic soul nudged the call server on the way out :) -Geminii
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105.
Step away from the PC B4 it Hurts You!
So many SF you want to say that to....
First call of the week. I walk in, put my lunch in the freezer, get my coffee, & go park myself at my desk.
Before my system's even up, my cohorts tell me "The client's main server is down!" It went down 15 minutes before I came in, our internal tooks can't access orders, and gomers can't place orders. When the main page came back up, it was still two hours before files could be uploaded or designs created. So... first call of the day.... "I can't complete my order!" "I'm sorry, sir; our website is down, we expect it back up in two hours." But... I've had your page up for THREE DAYS trying to finish it, because I can't save my work and this (blankety-blanking function) won't accept my order! " Momentarily, the main page comes up. Okay. "We need to clear your browser cache, to make sure your system doesn't keep hanging on that page." "I already did that!" "I understand; but we'll need to close your browser in order to be sure your Temporary Inet Files folder gets emptied and your system can't default back to that same page." "I tried that just before I called......" Step away from the computer before it hurts you, you liar...
[By: MadJack]
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106.
Wrong #...
Not unusual, but still...
Gomer doesn't hear the spiel.
First words out of his mouth:
"Mah kids were havin' friends over, and they broke the (static)... will it hurt?"
Me: "??"
"Mah kids had friends in the pool, and the thermometer broke... will it hurt them?"
<Mute to keep from laughing...>
"What # were you trying to call?"
"My kids' friends broke the thermometor, will the mercury hurt them if it gets in the pool water? Is this Aztec Pools?"
"No, sir this is (company)...
"Don't I feel like a jackass for not listnin' too ya... Sorry, I'll call back..."
<CLICK>
That'll learn 'em to interrupt...
Plus, if their health is the first concern, shouldn't the first person you call be your family doctor??? TGIF...
[By: MadJack]
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or perhaps poison control. I dont see mercury therms as much...usually just the red colored ones. Then again maybe he thinks its red mercury. -MrJay67
GET OUTTA THE POOL!!!!! -ThinTheHerd
(I always wanted to say that) -ThinTheHerd
It probably wasn't even merc as most manufacturers of glass thermometers use rubbing alcohol these days. It's probably been about 20 years since they stopped putting merc in glass thermometers. Silly starfish. -TechnoCat
should of said yes they will turn out dumb. -postal tech
pt - sounds like it's a bit late to worry about that -TechnoCat
GET OUTTA THE GENE POOL!!!!! (btw if it was merc thermometer, then the mercury would only stay at the bottom of the pool. It doesn't dissolve) -Dr Jerkyl
Even if it were mercury, it would have been harmless. Mercury is only harmful when consumed -- and does not disolve in water. It would have fallen to the bottom of the pool and been sucked into the drain. -Captain Trips
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107.
Make it stoooooopppppp.....
We all hate hold music, moreso than the SF.
What's more irritating that listening to hold music while on hold?
Listening to hold music IN BETWEEN CALLS!!!!
(Backstory: our system uses VoIP. The phone system is purely software. No hardware except for the headsets that plug into the 'mic' and 'headset/speaker' jacks. The cool thing about it was, you could drop a cd in the drive or play an .mp3 off the hard drive in between calls, you could even let it play during a call, as they can't hear what you're playing through the mic (except you can't hear them with the music on, the service is really poor quality (calls drapped, etc... not that I'd complain about dropped calls, except the SF call back neeping all the harder...)
The system works thus: Log in, and you're immediately in 'available' until you log off again. No built in 'wrap' mode, no 'hold' except the mute switch...
shortly after the shift began today, our client began piping in hold music... and not just any hold music, a REPETITIVE string/piano concerto all of five minutes long... which re-starts EVERY time you log in again... and plays over and over between EVERY FREAKING CALL....
We''ve all taken a voite: if they don't discontinue that music STAT, we're gonna go up to the client's HQ, find the person responsible, chain them to a chair, and bind a headset queued into the phone system around their head....
"Make it stop... MAKE IT STOOOOOPPPPP!!!!!!!"
(I swear, I'm gonna be hearing that tune in my sleep...)
[By: MadJack]
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At least it isn't this. ---> http://www.archivestowearpantsto.com/tracks/0260_ymca_muzak.mp3 -MarkerMage
How about pretty much anything on this site: http://maidenmidi.com/ or maybe one of these songs: http://www.crispen.org/midi/Macarena.mid http://www.crispen.org/midi/Feelings.mid http://www.crispen.org/midi/Small_World.mid http://www.crispen.org/midi/You_Light_Up_My_Life.mid OK, I'll stop before ears start to bleed. *bfeg* -missourimule
God God!!! I now have MarkerMage's tune in my head!! your a bastard you kn0w that -LowLevelFormat
"Sun-shiiiiine... On my SHOUL-DEEEERRRR... Looks like Warp Speeeeeddddd!" </To the Bat-Shelter, Robin!> -ShujinTribble
MarkerMage Judy Patched my EARS!!!!!! -beatmewithstick
You Bastard!!!! -beatmewithstick
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108.
What IS that image?
Okay, I've mentioned I do cs/& website usage tech sup in my present incarnation. Had one gomer today was just WAAYY into the "W...T...F..." categroy... Had everyone in the room my team's sited in listening and then re-hashing our acryonyms describing her, primarily using the favored "PICNIC" "PEBKAC" & "ID10T" to describe this starfish...
So, on with the story.
Gomerette calls up, she's about to place an order for business cards. She's got her order in her shopping cart, and she just has one little question.... "Just what IS that image in the background?" (The background image, perhaps? <g> <To explain, customers can build their own business cards, using background templates, and add their logos, text, or whatever, on the site, or upload a completed image, text and all... and she's going on about an unidenetifiable image in the lower right hand corner of the background template, which she choise from our database of THOUSANDS of background images... and in which corner of the background is nothing more than really a nebulous cloud-like image of white, gray, and green (the design was a St. Patty's day background... and it's past Easter already...)) And she just goes off on a tangent, DEMANDING to know what the image is. Now, on a site such as ours, there are no filenames for said backgrounds, and no descriptions of said image files, except for the general classifcation they fall under (i.e.-- Holidays, St. Patrick's Day). I tell her we don't have access to that information, even the filename is only visible to those who programmed the site and maintain the image banks, all we on L1 see is the exact same thing she sees. As we tell the customers, WYSIWYG. (Part 2 to follow, due to no star powers.... Yet...)
[By: MadJack]
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109.
What IS that image? Pt 2...
So, I've already courted disaster with this stupid bint, b/c in hearing that only the web designers even have access to the filename, she DEMANDS to speak to the programmers of the site! to find out the filename and description of this background file, all to find out WHAT THIS NON-IMAGE IN THE LOWER RIGHT HAND CORNER OF THE BACKGROUND IMAGE IS!!! I tell her they're not available (GET FREAKING REAL!!!) and what does she do? Guess... go on, I dare ya.... she demands to speak to a supervisor. This waste of flesh CAN'T be for real. ("Help, I'm steppin' into the Twilight Zone...") Fine. Very freaking well, we'll play her game. Now, we can only transfer to our l2 queue, for issues dealing with $$. If we want a supe, we get up and go get one of them. As I mute my phone and drop my phones on the desk (no hold mode except mute), everyone in the room (there's six of us in that room alone, and there's no cubuicles, just desks right next to each other) looks at me like "You ain't serious!" I nod, and take my sweet time looking for our main supv, who is almost ALWAYS tied up. I hate getting a sup anyway, if I can't handle these people, he's the only one left who can, and it's embarassing (normally). This one, he'll laugh behind the mute button as he rolls his eyes and tells her just how stupid she is. He looks at her uncompleted order and proceeds to do as described above before unmuting... and when he does... the bint has hung up. LART aborted.... "Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot, over?" quoth he as he gets up, and exeunt with laughter from the rest of us. Next stop, a message to the webmaster to program a 'PEBKAC' error to pop up the next time her IP logs in and attempts to upload files.... (wishful thinking)...
[By: MadJack]
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Psst Jack, "exeunt" is plural...anyway...stupid people should NOT repeat NOT have access to the internetwebs! EVER!! Gah! -TranceGemini
Sooo - what WAS the image? *ducks* No, seriously, can you go to the site, save the image, host it on photobucket, and link to it? -Divinar
I used to work for M$ when Win XP was released. Guess how many custies got irate and escalated to a sup because I couldn't tell them: 1. What the name of the tune that plays when Windows XP loads is, who wrote and performed it, and where they can download a copy; 2. Where the photo for the Win XP default wallpaper (the grass/sky pic) was taken, and where they can get a copy. WTF. -TechnoCat
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a243/sdjdish/flow_v2_4451882d26d392.jpg And, the really scary thing... this bint lives HERE... in Sandy Eggo... -MadJack
so green leafy vegitation with a random cloud shaped cutout freaks her out. but not enough to wait for a supervisor, maybe (hope against hope) she realized she was being dumb and thats why she hung up -rhiannon
Actually, I can see her point -- the random shape in the lower right corner does look a bit like the head and shoulders of an original-series Cylon. But jeez... it really is just a random shape... -chazz
Art critic would say: it looks like the struggle between man and inhumanity, the colors suggest conflict and yet there is harmony. Tweaknugget would say: IT LOOKS LIKE A NEW WORLD ORDER G-SPOT! GIMME YOUR GODDAMN MANAGER!! -vacuumtubes
chazz - If a Cylon tried on Boba Fett's helmet? -Divinar
maybe its just me but I see bunnies playing in a field. UH NO! I think I just lost all masculinity in that last comment. -vrek
It looks like... a partial image of a ghost?! MadJack, do you see dead people?!!! <putting pants on in a hurry> -TheGhost
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110.
Here's your morning wake-up call...
Here's a thought to go with your morning coffee: McD's is outsourcing it's drive-trhu order taking.
Saw the story on the morning news, thought it worhty of a post, googled, and noted that net mentions are over a year old... hmmmm.... (Anyone already heard this one? <g>) http://www.networkworld.com/weblogs/outsourcing/008133.html Okay, off to work, now.....
[By: MadJack]
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yeah about a year ago ;) -NOFXfan
Actually, yeah - heard about this one a few mopnths ago... File this under, "WHY!?" -ShujinTribble
Yeah, I heard about this some time back, too...and I have to echo the sentiment "Why?" How is an underpaid, overly monitored seat warmer going to be any more accurate or faster than an underpaid, overly monitored burger jockey pressing the same buttons. I'd love to see thier disaster recovery plans if a local utility accidentally severs their T1. -da5ve
soo what- the drive through will be slower and harder to understand? yeaaaa... not trhinkin thats gonna help with anything. -Harm
Sounds like fun. If they outsource it to Australia, you'll never be able to order a "Quota pounda" :) <Personal experience. And our friends down under can confirm it.> -TheGhost
It's probably for schedluling issues. One person can handle the orders across 4 dinner-time rushes across 4 time zones. Start work at 5:00 Eastern, leave at 8:00 Pacific (6 hour shift). This opposed to paying your local kid to hang around doing nothing from 8-11 local time. -JTSBrown
Coupled with the fact that you will need fewer english speaking employees. -CyBear
You know, if they could have a decent voice recog software that does different languages... nah, the starfish would still fsck that up -CivilWarTech
Outsource it to Amsterdam, and you'll have to order a Royale with Cheese ('cause of the Metric system). Want mayo with that? -Gaah
"Yeah, I'd like a cheeseburger... Onion rings and a large orange drink..... D'... d'ja get my order?"</Gaahhhrkkk, MAKE-IT-STOP-MAKE-IT-STOP-MAKE-IT-STOP-MAKE-IT-STOP!> -ShujinTribble
I suppose touch screens with big pretty pictures of the food items that the SF presses to order their food is too much? then you can get rid of the SF Burger jockey taking the orders altogether -Bynar
Most of the major pizza places have a call center that handles the orders for all the joints across Ontario and a few across Canada. Thankfully the call centers are still located in Canada but who knows for how much longer. If they outsource to India I wonder how they will handle my order of the meat lovers special with double hamburger? -frprinterwiz
Around here, Pizza hut at 1 number to call for all the stores in the area, and it would then try to route the cal to the closest store based of some kind of fancy formula. It was fun to watch the system barf when you called it on your cell phone. I once got routed to a store over 30 miles away. After that I learned to look up the local number and call that, and promptly programed it into my nextel. -drunkenwildmage
HA! Imagine the calls getting routed to india and you get someone telling you that you can;t get a meatball pizza ("You CAN-NOT eat my God!"), or one with ham / sausage / pepperoni ("You would eat an unclean an-i-mal?!"). "Thank you for driving into %Burger_Joint. Your order may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance." (FARK that! I wan my FOOD to be monitored for Quality, DAMNIT!) -ShujinTribble
(places order) Thickly accented phone jockey tries to upsell: You want franchise with that? In pensicola? XD -GargoyleTS
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111.
mine sig...
(Okay, so i can't change my tagline until I buy anoter star... maybe soon...)
But, for the tag wars, I had to use it...
"I can't get from the cab to the curb without some little jerk on my back"
(10 points if you know where it's from...)
[By: MadJack]
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Pretenders - Middle of the Road (What do I win?!?!?) -VWFtech
That's what you get for sharing a cab with Burrkiss -deskmonkey
HeeHee. I'm driving a cab at the moment, having been 'liberated' from McVergys, so my tag line would be more like, "I don't care how drunk you are, you'll get to the curb when my foot connects with your @ss (and I might even slow down to 50kph to let you out)." And not that this is news to anyone here, but there are just as many *fish in the non-tech world. Take the one who asked me if I got cable on the little tv my day driver left in the car... no really, take her, please. (no Burkiss, she wasn't cute) -attilathehen
"Don't harass me, can't you tell, / Im going home, Im tired as hell. / Im not the cat I used to be, / I got a kid, Im thirty-three. / Baby!" -Divinar
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112.
Too far?
What do you think? http://static.tbs.com/sierramist/flash_content/flash_content.html
[By: MadJack]
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"Oh have you heard it's time for vaccinations?
I think someone put salt into your tea.
They're giving us eleven-month vacations.
And Florida has sunk ito the sea.
Oh have you heard
The President has measles?
The principal has just
burned down the school.
Your hair is full of ants
and purple weasels--
APRIL FOOL!!"
~ Shel Silverstein
(Couldn't resist)
link here: http://medonnabp.tripod.com/holiday07.htm
-MadJack
If the story link has problems, you can see the video on the Yahoo homepage <g> -MadJack
IDGI - I see an ad for a contest where they take you to spots shown in sitcoms. -Divinar
It's supposed to be the video for "No Talking" on NYC subway... see Yahoo homepage... guess the jokes on me.. -MadJack
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113.
Dilbert for today
I swear, Scott Adams MUST be lurking around here somewhere...
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a243/sdjdish/dilbert2006030348925.jpg
[By: MadJack]
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i belive you have my stapler. -Harm
My dad, who works at $hospital as basically an HR director, had to fire someone 3 days ago for perusing porn at work, on a computer they should have never accessed in the first place. I made sure he saw this one and told him that I bet the kid wishes he had been like Alice. -Mewtwo
MadJack, that was exactly my thought when I saw today's Dilbert! -LadySharky
Scott might just be an "Office Space" fan, too -lineswine
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114.
I'd be ashamed....
to be this guy. <Backstory> Come home to an empty apt, D's travelling. Fix dinner, flip on the tube. Nothin' on, settle on "Millionaire". This week, it seems they're grilling geeks about movies.
So, the one in the hot seat when I tuned in guessed the $2k question wrong, and walked away w/ a mere $1k. The question? "What piece of office equipment suffered an untimely demise in the 1999 movie "Office Space?" His answer: PHOTOCOPIER.... <I'll be down in the LART Shelter watching T3 when I'm done reading the main page...>
[By: MadJack]
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well - if you count then fire and the end of the movie... it just could feasbly be..... -Harm
i think the answer "stapler" would have been correct. we saw it destroyed. And i'm not sure I would have taken "printer" as an answer. it was hardly untimely. that SOB had it comin'. -illiterate
Fax Machine. -DuckyFuzz
Starfish. Oh, wait, you meant *in the movie*. Nevermind. -missourimule
Truly geeky answer: Fax machine, although the error message it was giving Michael earlier in the movie is actually from an HP Laserjet II ("PC Load Letter?! What the hell does that mean?!"). -AmazingKreskin
AmazingKreskin - You never saw the Canon LBP-II engine based fax machines? *remembers the "PC LOAD LETTER" on those also* -ralphp1024
fax machine.. so sue me.. anyways, it wasn't an untimely demise. it HAD IT COMING! -illiterate
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117.
Dreaming of Work...
Check today's Adam @ Home, if you haven't seen it already (sorry, lost my star powers, will have them back in a week or two, if my budget works out): http://www.ucomics.com/adamathome/
[By: MadJack]
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I've had dreams like that. Not very restful. -dogmu
Just a quick show of hands... How many of us have, in a dream or just waking up, giving your workplace phone greeting? (Raises his hand) -ShujinTribble
(Raises hand) Also- how about dialing "9" for an outside line... from home... (Raises other hand) -Voz
I've stopped answering the phone at home. The wife is kind enough to do that for me. I spend all day on the phone... don't want to deal with it at home. On the other hand... I spend most of my night at my PC. Go figure. -PsychoMike
it moved :D http://www.ucomics.com/adamathome/2005/12/11/ -Jax
Reminds me of an old Calvin and Hobbes comic strip :) -Diptera
And my friends wonder why I adamantly refuse to answer phone calls or call anyone back. -Olorin
I actually answered my home phone that way once, Thanks for calling blahblahblah this is jeff... err, uhh... hi, what's up. -torch
Wierd part, I'm help desk but spend more time at a computer when I'm home.
-Wolfie0827
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118.
Opus...
Didn't want to bump the link.
Check out today's Opus strip, if you haven't seen it already:
http://www.berkeleybreathed.com/images/thisweekstrip.jpg
[By: MadJack]
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nice one man!!! -starfishmagnet
Damnit I was gonna post it! I WAAANNAAA NEEEEWWWWW WIIIILLLLLLLLL!!! -linuxmatt
Y'know.. for a gay guy, Steve doesn;t have much patience for his ma. (Meaning does anyone remember Steve is gay, not that gay guys are inherently mam-lovin' prissy boys. [Blink] Holy HELL! Did I just use a disclaimer?! Gaaahhhkkk! Get-it-OFF! Get-it-OFF! Get-it-OFF! Get-it-OFF!!!!111ONESHIFTONESHIFT!) -ShujinTribble
I don't remember Steve Dallas actually being gay. But, there WAS the time when he had his personality flip-flopped by aliens; but he was ALWAYS a skirt-chasing horn-dog. "Give me the glasses." "No." "GIVE 'EM!" "NOO! He's BAAACKK!!" (Bear in mind, Steve had a kid.. think the mother was the schoolteacher he dated b4 Cutter John stole her away... damn, ain't I geek, remembering all this from 20+ years ago...) -MadJack
MadJack- you ain't the only geek who remembers the golden days of Bloom County! I saw the comic this morning and immediately thought of TSC! And just to confirm for everyone, Steve Dallas was not gay, he was just too much of an absolute jerk for the ladies to tolerate! -Voz
And if another old fart here might chime in: Even when he was mutated into a vegan curly-haired New Man by the aliens, he was still hetero -- but afraid of catching something like AIDS. -chazz
Actually, the last few 'Outland' strips had Steve confess, "I'm gay." - I just refound it / could scan (GRIN) But that would be WROOOOONG! -ShujinTribble
Bobbi Harlow was the teacher...or, as Milo or Binkley's adoration poem once read, 'one hot tomato'. Signed, owner-of-all-the-books and lots-of-the-Opus-dolls. -Avalon68
And boy, do I miss seeing them in the paper every day. Get Fuzzy's decent, but I'd still love to have Milo, Opus, Limekiller, Steve & Cutter John back. -Avalon68
Leave us not forget: "Bill the Cat for President!" -MadJack
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119.
Question...
Hey, fellow techs, have a small tech problem I would like some opinions on. I'm hoping the problem isn't my OS; but we'll see.
I just moved. Right now, while I wait for plastic to arrive in the mail from my new bank, so I can set up a WiFi connection w/ Ricochet (have to, long term, b/c dial up in the building I live in now is contracted to only one specific provider for telephone, and local calls are $0.07 a minute. OUCH.
Until it arrives, I'm using my dial-ups (SPARINGLY).
Saturday, I connected, all okay.
Since then, no go, on both.
I can dial out, but the connection stalls somewhere in the verification phase, and I get the 'Server not responding' error. Hooked up a line in & out of the phone, & listening tells me that when it's verifying, the connection's still trying to negotiate w/ the server, & then the line's busy. I've reseated the modem, checked the drivers, not that that's helped much. The easiest steps first, right?
Now, this happens BOTH with Juno AND with a local free ISP I've used, since I haven't had plastic up to now, and only get the few free hours with Juno. I don't know if I'm dealing with noise on the line, something unknown with the modem I haven't thought of, or if it's the protocols or something deeper in 2k.
Any ideas, aside from un/re installing IP, and hoping that it's not something requiring a blow-out of the OS?
[By: MadJack]
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This sounds like a telephone line quality issue. Can you relocate the computer to a friend/relative/workplace and try it? That will prove/disprove that theory in a hurry. Preferably they must have a good dialup connection from that location. Sometimes updating the drivers, or even changing to a better quality modem, will help. -CyBear
There's a possibility that it's a particular modem farm that has an issue. Often these are shared across providers, using separate access numbers. If you can, try an access number in a different town as a basic test. -Grue
MJ, if you want to test it, I can give you one of our dial-up access numbers, which you can use to log in to our guest account just long enough to verify that it's not your computer (which I doubt). It'll be a long-distance call, but only a few seconds. Let me know if you're interested, and I'll e-mail you the info. -RiffRaff
Ripped/reinstalled IP when I got home, works fine (for now.) We'll see... -MadJack
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121.
I wanna new Mouse(pad)! (eg)
So, in my present incarnation of employment, I do data entry, and only data entry. Type, click, copy, paste, type, type, NEXT! I love the new machines this company uses. Brand new Opti-520s and Dim3000s, WinXPPro, 512meg, and Planar 19" flatpanels. (The flatpanels are a thing of beauty.) However, there's one drawback. The Optiplexes are using newer, optical, USB mice. The Dims are using the old PS/2 trackballs. What's more, the mousepads are the plastic topped kind that are a PITA to use a trackball mouse on. Easier to dump the mousepad and use it bare... (I can hear the comments on THAT already...) I admit it, I'm jealous. I love the optical mouse I use on this old machine at home. I've learned to pity trackball mice. The others who came on the job w/ me hear me tapping the mouse extra-mean, b/c I'm just that way when a slow server takes forever to move the cursor to where I need to paste, or when it takes two or three responses to copy or paste something. (Keyboard shortcuts? Okay, so I'm too lazy to use them.) They ask me... "Why don't you ask I.T. for a new mouse?" If they only knew It'd be funny to bump into one of the couple of techs there who I already know, and say, "Hey, have you heard of the phrase "I WANNA NEW MMMMOOOOOOUUUUUUSSSSSE!!!1" (Just to see their reaction).
If they laugh... "Oh, btw... the name's Jack. MadJack."
I figure I'll have a good shot at the opening on the help desk; if they don't LART me right out the door...
[By: MadJack]
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"--The name's 'Jack'..... 'MadJack'.. and I'd like what you'd got that the end of that tail, please, Mousie-Penny." -ShujinTribble
's funny...I LOVE trackballs. so much so that I was happy to find a logitech marble mouse is a cupboard & fit it to my works PC tout suite. (Despite the name it is actually a trackball http://www.logitech.com/index.cfm/products/details/US/EN,CRID=2150,CONTENTID=5003 for details.) Other peoples pointing devices go missing - mine never does. -lineswine
hey lineswine, I wondered what came of K9, now I see hes re-whateveritisthedoctordoes into a mouse -Jax
Sine I started having CT problems a few years back, I've switched to trackballs wherever possible. I'm guessing that the trackball "moves" or "slips" when you try t use it? If so, try putting a piece of shelf liner under it to keep it in place, or use doublestick tape to tack it down. -docbrown01
Grats on the job, MadJack. If only they knew... -Xultan
I gave up on mousepads long ago. I use a clean sheet of printer paper. When it gets dirty just toss it and get a new sheet. AND I almost never have to clean my mouses ball. -atomicbill
I love trackballs. I had one of these http://www.logitech.com/index.cfm/products/details/US/EN,CRID=2150,CONTENTID=5002 but I had trouble with my thumb joint and had to revert to a mouse. Just not the same... -Nazreel
I'm gonna get that internal help desk job if it's the last thing I do... -MadJack
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123.
Big Cheese Big Stupid
So, I stumble out of bed at five in the morning after finally getting home at 9 Sandy Eggo time. I spend the next half hour trying to wake up and see clearly enough to find something clean to wear that hasn't spent the last four days in a suitcase. Stumble out the door, walk the three blocks to the far emptier than normal office. Everyone will be calling after the que's been off for four days. I am the only one in my que before eight. GAHHHHHHH. Bah Humbug. Make breakfast (instant oatmela), coffee, and sit down, power on the Goatway and log on to my phone.
. I have peace for all of fve minutes before I fall victim to the first and biggiest ID105 of the day. Big Cheese Big Stuff of Illness sent out their membership cards and mailers and they all got them before Christmas.
Note: (Anyone here who's employer uses above HealthCo, check the back of the ID card you just got. The # is WORNG!)
So, the first call of 100+ "Call 800-xxx-xxxx." "I needta replace my lost ID card I jist got from y'all. Whadda I needta do?" "Well, ma'am, you've reached SOOT, we handle Big Cheese's alternative therapy plan. You need to call 800-xxx-etc." "But this is the # I was given to call!" "And what # were you given, ma'am?" "The number on the back of my...
(Waaaiitt for it....)
"...card..." CLICK
Arrggggh... Okay, that's it, the News Years party starts now... I don't even wanna be sober...
[By: MadJack]
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I don't want to be sober at the best of times. :-p And that is far from the best of times. ;) -Torinir
I hear you... I have to deal with the same people too. -DerangedHermit
Big Company Bull Shit. -DerangedHermit
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124.
The last day before the holiday...
So, the office will be closed 23rd & 24th. This is clearly stated in our IVR. So, everyone and their dog is asking "Are you open on Friday?" Those that don't ask... are the poor souls who have nothing better to do than talk... and TALK... AND TALK... like they've got no one else to talk to at the beginning of a long & lonely Christmas weekend... My call time TRIPLED today b/c of the folks that would NOT SHUT UP... Aside from two days off w/o pay (while processing paperwork officially hiring me away from the agency)... Merry Christmas, everyone... family is getting together in D.C. (partially to bring a truce to warring parties of me & sis after last 3 weeks...) just what I wanted... waiting until tomorrow afternoon to get paid, take care of business here, fly cross-country Fri, have Christmas, fly back Sunday... There go all my left-over frequent flier miles... Ahh, 'Tis the Season...
Oh, well, Happy Holidays to all techs, and to all a good byte... (I'll be avoiding pun-larts down in one of many shelters until my plane leaves...)
[By: MadJack]
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125.
Another Thank You....
So, I logged on after a long day... and lo, just in time for Christmas, someone hath granted the old Madman a star! To my anonymous benefactor... Thank You!!
Do you think this makes my butt look fat?
[By: MadJack]
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erm....<looks at ceiling> No not at all. Nice star -Armakuni
erm....<looks at ceiling> No not at all. Nice star -Armakuni
OH NOOOOO my first doublepost -Armakuni
Hmmmmmmmmmmm..... well, that depends. What's your definition of "fat?" The Hindenberg comes to mind, but if you don't consider that fat, more power to you. <bfeg> Congrats on your star. -RiffRaff
Hindenberg? Nah, more like two pigs fighting over a milkdud. :~P -Bobsentme
Not at all. The pants do, though! *runs for LART bunker* Welcome to the constellation! -teivrann
Congrats! Welcome aboard! -hkypipe
Hmmm.... Big? Nope. Hormongous? Yep! Welcome to the Galaxy. :) -Belgarath
oh my god Becky look at his butt its like out there <sir-mix-alot> -GefahrMaus
Welcome to the constellation of insanity and congrats on the star! The 'Hindenberg' comments were cruel and unwarranted, take no notice. None. Just don't go too near the sea - you're likely to be asked to move off the beach to let the tide come in.... -Gromit
Sorry about being a bit late. Congrats on the star. -Rabbitt
ok... yes... nice shiny, HUGE ass... welcome to lighting a path out of the darkness... -HappyCrappy
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126.
It had to happen...
So, I'm reading the paper in between calls...
and this whole-page ad from CompUSA jumps out at me...
The EASY PC that's EASY ON YOUR WALLET! Easy to set up, easy to use. THE OPTIMIZED AOL PC by Cisnet. EVERYTHING IS INCLUDED!
Specs: Intel Celeron 2.0 Ghz processor
256MB RAM 40GB Hard Drive 10/100MB Ethernet
Philips 17" CRT Monitor (16" viewable)
Lexmark Color Inkjet Printer
Stereo Speakers
Keyboard
Mouse
SOFTWARE (Pre-loaded)
Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition
AOL 9.0 Optimized
AOL Office, Powered by Sun
***Not in ad: Yes, fellow techs, you read that right:
AOL Office!****
For Only $299.99
(For a complete home system
With 12 Month AOL Membership commitment
at $23.90 a month).
The exclusive AOL Desktop creates an instant connection
betweem you and your PC. Access virtually everything on your computer with one click of your mouse. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY! Select from English & Spanish language preferences.
***Not in ad: And it even has an AOL OPTIMIZED logo embedded in the front center of the case, where you'd see the DELL circle, if it WERE a Dell... (Prolly is, anybody ever heard of Cisnet? Or, maybe they're a local co selling at the four, count 'em, only 4 stores here in Sandy Eggo)..***
O...MG...
[By: MadJack]
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Okay, it seems like big thing these days is "one click" access to everything. I'm wondering if that's they case, why is it people still insist on double clicking EVERYTHING!!!! - This comment the result of asking people to click on link on a web page and constantly hearing them double click over the phone. -redevil34
Yeah, 'Optimized AOL' also means it just takes longer to co-opt and crash your system. Every time I read 'CompUSA', this link comes to mind: http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=compusa_sucks -teivrann
AOL office powered by sun sounds to me like OpenOffice.org/StarOffice rebranded for AOL, not too bad if that's what it is. -Lehk
Just about everyone's jumping on the bandwagon of rebranding Open Office. We offer OO with our systems as an alternative to MS office. Many people like it. -ch41nbr8kr
"The exclusive AOL Desktop creates an instant connection between you and your PC" - Look this is how the Borg started - prepare to be assimilated into the AOL collective... -Wonko The Sane
Yep, just $299, plus a year of AOHell at $287.88 ($23.99 x 12) (yes, you *have* to buy the year in advance to get that price...I checked) comes to $586.88...
<br><br>
Not so good, methinks. -Grayhawk
lehk yes thats what it is....greyhawk someon lied to you its pay by the month. if the account is canceled then aol charges the remainder in one shot. -GefahrMaus
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127.
Thank You... (OT)...
I just wanted to thank everybody for the kind words & hugs & putting up with my moping & crying about down in the break room the last several days... it's been really rough... thanks to you guys, as well as my old shipmates & a special former g/f who picked one heck of a time to think about getting back together... I'm getting through it... Just a big thank you to everyone. You guys & gals are the best.
[By: MadJack]
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Don't mention it. And it was really hard to impersonate your old GF. Took me hours of practice! <grin> -CyBear
Hmm.... "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" (if Cybear works that one out before I reach Pond Life I'm in very deep shit.....) -Gromit
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128.
PUT OFF... (Not entirely SFW)
Okay, so the title's not a play on words. Sue me. Last call of the day... and a good thing it was... Grandma Kettle calls up. "I need a referral for... what do you call it... a colon-scopy? A colonasscopy?" "A colonoscopy, ma'am?" (Cue sound effects from the Psycho shower scene...) "That's it." "You need to call your health plan for that, your plan with us covers chiropractic, acupuncture, and massage only. Have a nice day." OMG... The images... burned into my brain! The horror! THE HORROR!!! Need... mental floss... MENTAL FLOSS!!! (Cue Sam...) AH! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
(If that dones't cure your anal fixation...)
[By: MadJack]
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Stepson went in for one earlier this year. I can now say I've seen the inside of a young boy's colon... -namor
Thanks A LOT! Now I need to change my gaming name to something BESIDES spastic colon. -Bobsentme
Not something to brag about, either. Believe me, they are one of the most uncomfortable procedures you can undergo. Been there, done that, don't want to have to go through another one as long as I live! -Captain Trips
It brings a whole new meaning to the term "wash & brush up". -lineswine
hey tyhats nothing.I was at a conference last week, one of the papers was on colorectal cancer...with pictures O_O -modeski
when i was in nursing school i had to spend 3 days assisting in the colonoscopy lab....not fun -GefahrMaus
colonASScopy - a operation for duplicating butts? Oh god what have I done. I do NOT want that in my head! pass that sulphuric acid... -Criptonite
Please hold while we contact your primary care provider... Ms. Kettle? We just contacted your doctor and he confirmed that you needed a head CT scan but since you have your head tucked that far up your ass that you should have the colonoscopy done at the same time. -TeamWolfguard
I know people that have had this done. First you eat chicken broth/jello for days, take industrial strength laxatives that will knock the sh*t out of you. Then on the day of the procedure they insert a very long tube in you and take pictures. I hope NEVER to have one. -Starfury
At least Bill Gates will never need one - God made him a perfect asshole... -Gromit
Jeez, I guess a bunch of you are hoping to die young. I just turned 50 and will be getting a colonoscopy soon just to make sure nothing has gone haywire in there. Never again for the rest of my life? They recommend it again 10 years later -- I hope to live that long! </old fart> -concept14
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129.
Trolls...
So, it's supposed to be an easy day. Sure, only about 1/5 of the calls of a normal day in open enrollment season. We're in the middle of the office Thanksgiving potluck/party and I get a call. It's a troll from a company here in town, the name of which I don't recognize. She's talking about how she just signed her company up with our 'plan" (clue 1 she doesn't have a CLUE who she's talking to. "I'm trying to find the link on your website for those discount providers you told us were part of the package, and I can't make your site take me to their website (meaning ours)." She's jabbering to make Jabberjaw look like a mime, and I can't even get a word in edgewise. After three attempts to interrupt, she goes "Nevermind I got it!" CLICK.
I hope she's still at work at this moment, facing the holiday traffic that'll take her three hours to get through to get home, and that she has to work Friday. TGFFDWs! Happy Thanksgiving to all good techs, and may your weekend be full of turkey(edible) and not turkeys(sf/trolls/assorted assholes).
[By: MadJack]
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Actually, I've found that any turkey is edible. It is all in how one prepares the meat... More BBQ anyone? Anyone?? -objekt404
try deep frying a turkey, damn thats good -RandalGraves
It's difficult to soar with eagles when you work with tukeys - <i>Langsam's Ornithological Axiom -PID1
I deep frying one turkey, smoking another. Without burning the house up like other idiots I've seen on the news. -LaserGuru
Hmm... at double time and a half.. you bet I'm havin' a heluva Thanksgiving.. :) -kryliss
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130.
Who am I?(Or The Future of MedOutsourcg)
Thank God it's a short week. As the end of the year gets closer, every sf that doesn't know anything from anything calls up expecting you can do everything. Par for the course, but PAH! Buncha PITA.
As the enrollment season for next year's benefits keeps rolling on, every sf gets more and more panicked (or more and more stupid.)
Gomerette with an accent that begs the presumption she didn't make it out of third grade and has worked in the mill ever since... she calls to enroll in her co's health plan with Big Cheese Big Stuff. (OK, so I can do better for those initials...) I tell her 'we handle alternative health care discount plans for ALL major health insurance co.s'" SF: "You cain't do it for me?" (Maybe when health care outsources EVERYTHING...) and twice, calls like this... "I've got <x condition> and my doctor didn't tell me what therapy I needed. I called my health plan, and they said call you. Can YOU make a recommendation as to what kind of treatment I need?" What, did I just get a promotion and no one told me? Who am I, a Doctor by Phone? Did medical science just outsource human tech support to the phone room industry? RTFB (Read the fucking brochure) before you call, fishies... Medicine by phone, as handled by HMOs, is of course, already here... how long before it begins the same vicious circle we put up with... now, THAT'S scary...
[By: MadJack]
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In the UK we have already got NHS Direct which is a 24/7 phone line staffed by trained Nurses who can (Tier 2 ?) up the call to a Dr but their advice there is more like to be call an ambulance. "No, I'm not going to walk you through a self lobotomy" -Zoomer
What pisses me off is when these callers are told to to call us (provider locater service) for answers to all these questions. (Yes the provider locator service is for the company in the article). -DerangedHermit
I swear, the customer service people at that company is so clueless. -DerangedHermit
Many areas of Big Cheese Big Stuff is now outsourced. -DerangedHermit
I hear ya, DH... Uncle's branch of Big Cheese has our # for EVERYTHING... and they act like having our plan is brand spanking new... "No, it's been there, all the time, now Uncle just wants you to pay $50 more to have it this year..." -MadJack
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131.
No surprise...
This comes as no surprise to me...
http://www.kfmb.com/topstory31333.html
whaddaya expect from stressed out techs?
Old news...
[By: MadJack]
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Link's broken for me. -Taterlain
MJ-Look at Donna Fry (local mayoral candidate). She looks like a Shar Pei! Think she smokes much? -billybien
Link didn't work for the the first time, either... smoke, Billy? Naaahhh, she looks like a beach bunny (that's spent 3 decades on the beach...) -MadJack
Looks like KFMB needs to get their act together. Links don't even work from their own site. -RiffRaff
Figures. For everyone's edification, the story was about the rise in consumption of tobacco and chocolate in the U.S.... -MadJack
us? stressed? whatdoyamean? * puff puff draaaag* however that woudl explain what the ash trays in the smoking pit had been replaced with buckets. -Harm
Old news, yup. But what else do you expect from KFMB? Their main source for news today is yesterday's newscasts on the other stations, or yesterdays San Diego Useless/Trivia. Oh, and if Donna Frye looks like a beach bunny that spent three decades on the beach, then she is looking GOOD. She has actually spent FOUR decades on the beach. Her husband is Skip Frye, world famous maker of surfboards. She is also the only mayoral candidate here that actually cares about what is best for the city and its people, as opposed to her opposition whose only concern is their own pockets. (Maybe that's why they are trying legal games to null her candidacy, saying that the city charter doesn't allow write-in candidates for mayor. Interesting that they objected after it looked like she would actually win, and not when she first announced her own candidacy.) Note: we (MJ, BB, and I) live in an "interesting" town, no? -Captain Trips
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132.
Uncle will say anything...
So, these days I work as a CSR for a company that manages alternative health care plans for 99.9% of the big medical insurance plans. No names will be named, but note the key word "alternative". In this biz, like tech sup, the 3 months from Halloween to MLK Day are the busiest, everyone's busy with their medical coverage for next year. The biggest is Uncle Sam's plan with an unnamed healthco. He's making yet more changes to soak more $$ from his employees. Now, I don't know where some employees of this unnamed health plan got their training; b/c they refer everything not clearly marked as 'primary care' to us. So, I'm sitting at my desk, trying to work my way through coffee # 2 at 730 in the AM, with every east coast customer honking into my sleep-fogged mind, and I get the following..."Hi, I'm getting married, and (healthco) told me to call this #, they said you cover marriage counseling as part of the (name of our plan with them)." Now, Uncle's health-care reps can stretch a fine point to get a gomer off the phone with the best of us; but... square peg... round hole??? Somebody find me some scissors, I'm gonna cut that rubber band for them...
[By: MadJack]
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the rubber band used for castration? why would you do that? -srteach
Damn, is my mind an a strange track today.... -srteach
What I find sad is that the SF's asking for marriage counselling *before* even getting married. -smellystudent
In FL, if you go thru marriage counseling before you get married, you get a discount on your marriage license. It's supposed to encourage people to get some perspective on the whole thing before they jump into it. -TechieSidhe
Need a license to get marred, to drive a car... but not to breed... go figure...
-TeamWolfguard
TechieSidhe, if I take sex ed before I have sex, do I get a discount on condoms? -concept14
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133.
Snipe This! (Slightly OT)
Just heard this on the evening news...
EBay snipers busted!
http://www.kfmb.com/topstory31010.html
That'll teach 'em to deliberately snipe...
Too bad spamshits & script kiddies aren't so easy to catch...
[By: MadJack]
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those aren't snipers, those were shill bidders, snipers are annoying, shills are illegal. -Lehk
Lehk is correct. These were people who were fraudulently driving up prices by placing phony bids. Totally different animal than a sniper. -RiffRaff
Can't tell the difference when they're sending the price up with 10 bids in the last 3 minutes... and they're all one big pain in the neck... -MadJack
I wonder how well they are doing on Gameboy Advance SP's with the new ones out. -MaskedMarauder
MadJack: the difference is, the snipers (in theory) pay for the item. If I'm bidding on something on eBay, I ALWAYS do it close to the last minute or so. Why? I know exactly how much I want to bid up to, and I'm not prepared to let asshats who don't get caught up in an out-bidding frenzy over something I want. In theory, by the last couple of minutes, everyone who actually wants the item should have put in their maximum bid (that's what proxy bidding is all about), so the ONE bid I place at that point shouldn't matter to someone who actually wants it, and is prepared to pay more than me for it. -karlata
That's something I've never understood either. The theory is, you're supposed to place the *maximum* bid that you'd be willing to pay for the item, and E-Bay bids it up for you to that amount as necessary. Posting multiple bids for incremental amounts just isn't necessary. Granted, I'm guilty of it too; it's hard to get out of the true auction mindset, but if somebody outbids me at the last minute because I didn't put in my maximum bid prior to that, I've got nobody to blame but myself. -RiffRaff
Lehk is correct. These were people who were fraudulently driving up prices by placing phony bids. Totally different animal than a sniper. -RiffRaff
Santa Maria el Madre del Dios... how the hell did I do that???????????????????????? -RiffRaff
Damned if I know.....but I AM impressed! -karlata
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134.
And, why don't you need techs, again?
So, my first day on the floor at my new job. Much better, cs only for a supplementary healthcare provider in d/t SD. I walk to work. Nice... pays as well as (Carrpy Cable), and far fewer ID10Ts calling up not knowing how to do something... give basic info, send out a mailer... easy... only minor complaint is the dress code... so, I'm setting up for my first shift, and I don't have the shortcuts to the primary app on my desktop. Don't know where they are on the network, don't want to go poking where I shouldn't be and getting in trouble first day out of training... so, I call the helpdesk and they point me in the right direction. Odd thing, tho... they point me at a test file instead of the .exe... still, I don't ask why, they're SUPPOSED to konw better than me, I'm new at this job... I get my shortcuts so I can log my calls and get back in the groove. First call, I get ODBC errors and can't find half the list of providers. I check, nobody else is having this problem. I call the hd again, they say, "Check and see if anyone else has this prob, and c/b." Screw it. I follow procedures, don't wanna get canned the first day; but I go back to the app drive and shortcut the main .exe, which was supposed to be loaded in the SQL APPS folder on my d/t and wasn't. If I'd known the drive it was on, I wouldn't have had to bother them. When they finally come up close to lunchtime, I tell the tech what I found, and he just says "don't know why they didn't have you do that in the first place." Shee-yut, seems I know more about this home-grown app than the help-desk. Tell me why they're not hiring for techs, again? C'est la vie...
[By: MadJack]
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Check the drugs cabinet. There may be some missing . . . -robbor
See est... See esta? Your taking a nap, Mr. lavie. -MaskedMarauder
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135.
NT/OT story...
Sorry, had to post this here, Hellion's comment on the "PC of the Future" reminded me of a funny story from my Navy days. (BTW: Speaking of turning wheels/cranks/keys/etc, wasn't there an "On the Fastrack" toon that referred to that joke?)
Okay... This happened on the same ship that had the engineering mainframe haloned while in the P.G.
This happened about six months after. We were back from WestPac, but we were out on a 'joint drug interdiction op' with the Coasties, we had a few on board with us, we're patrolling between SOCAL and BAJA PACOPS. Now: to get the gist of the story, you've got to know this: Spruance and Kidd class destroyers (not sure about other ships, though I'm betting they do, too) have "Manual Hydraulic Valve Pumping" stations all over the ship for various and what not... you get the idea. Some can be opened automatically, some have to be by being switched into the proper position, then taking a huge hand crank from the holder in the valve station, put it in place on the valve spindle, and crank it round and round... (duh, how else, MJ, right? I know what you're thinking..) So... there's one outside the CPO's mess on the starboard (right) side of the ship. A snipe (engineering type) is cranking one as I'm heading aft to open the ship's laundry for the day's work. Just as I'm getting close, I see a Coastie coming from the direction I'm heading. (Mind you, some of the Coasties had never been on anything larger than a coastal cutter.) He stops at the MVHP station, watches the A-ganger cranking away, and just as I reach them, the Coastie says... (Drum roll please...) "So THAT'S how you start these things in the morning!" (Need I elaborate on what he meant by THESE THINGS?). <Y'know, I never did submit that to R.D.'s "Humor in Uniform...>
[By: MadJack]
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MadJack, you should submit it to RD. They'll give you enough money for a Star & Shirt membership here! -Tekkie
submit it here - http://www.rd.com/submitjoke.do?lid=19 - just copy and paste, and uncheck all the boxes so they don't spam you to death -madonnac
LOL! -Hellion
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136.
Amusing ad... (NT)
Maybe not ENTIRELY NT/OT...
In today's want ads in the San Diego Union-Tribune... (Atomicbill, Billybien, CaptainTrips, have you seen this? LOL!)
ATTORNEY.
"Corporate attorney for small computer software developing Corp in (city in n suburban SD). Candidate will be responsible for protecting company against legal risks including Human Resource advisor."
HR Advisor is a legal risk.... bwahahahahahaha!!!!
Damn, I should have gone to law school...
[By: MadJack]
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Sorry, but I try to avoid the San Diego Useless-Trivia. -Captain Trips
That sounded so good, I had to look it up: http://tinyurl.com/4nf64 -LaserGuru
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137.
BIG BROTHER ISN'T WATCHING...
Grandma calls up at 9:45. "Channel 8 isn't working! Can you tell me what they're doing?" (8, for those not in San Diego, is KFMB, the local CBS affilliate. And the home of a certain... see my previous posts...) "I gotta know what's happening! Is Big Brother not watching?" I tune her out long enough to tune in CH 8, when I was half-watching the end of Volcano on Max... ch 8 was cutting in & out... "It's the broadcaster, ma'am." "Will they re-air it? Tell them to get it fixed! Can I get a credit?" "Call our customer care dept in the morning and they'll determine if that's possible." Not gonna touch the rest... they'll have it dealt with long before any cableco calls them... farkwit... get off my phone... You're NOT watching Big Brother... but he WILL be watching you from now on... (evil laugh)....
[By: MadJack]
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138.
"You're interrupting my TV watching!"
So... there's an outage in a certain part of town... a bazillion sf calling... "Yes, there's an outage..." "Yes, there's an outage..." "Yes... (ad infinitum, ad nauseum, etc., etc., etal...) One old geezer not only asks "What happend?" When I say we don't know, could be a downed pole, a drunk who hit said pole or a pedestal, etc... he actually asks... "Can YOU call me back and tell me EXACTLY what happenedwhen you know?" Sure... I'll call you WHEN I'M OFF in an hour and give you all the gossip.. ("Some starfish actually hit the pole... at 90 miles an hour... took the fire dept an hour to get him out of the car..."). He wraps it up with "Tell your guys to get it back on. You're interrupting my TV watching!" OH, PUH-LLLEEEEEZZZZZZEEEEEZZZZZZZ.... You and everyone ELSE... it'll be fixed WHEN IT'S FIXED... note to field techs... take all the time you want...
[By: MadJack]
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You see, caller, what you have there...is a radio. You use it when the TV's down.... -vacuumtubes
Or a book... -StarfishArthur
Cry me a farking river. I am sorry to take you away from your precious TV. The farking world will end if you don't watch your rerun of Gilligan's Island -rockytech
Huh. I never made the connection... -T23M
We never had an outage in the days of the fourty foot mast antenna on the roof! -Captain Trips
With Directv I only lose signal once in a while. And usually if the weather is that bad, we lose power too (in my area). The only way a drunk driver is gonna impact my "TV watchin" is if he hits my house or launches himself into space (preferable). And yes I know that hitting a power pole would do it also, but I like the idea of a drunk ASStronaut. -Dcadiman
And people wonder why I'm paranoid. Everyone IS watching me, dammit! -TechnoVampire
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140.
Better than thou &^*(&*^&^&%$%&% pt 2...
5 minutes later... the box is back up... and no sound. "Hah! See??? It's an OUTAGE!" "Your box has a sound problem, sir. There is not an OUTAGE in your area, the word outage could be applied only subjectively." "Well, whattaya gonna do about it?" "Since we've troubleshot it and we know it's a box issue, we have to have a technician come out and replace it." He goes APE when he heazs there are no days available before next week. "OHHHH NO YOU DON'T. I'M not gonna have some TEN $ an hour tech come out and rip apart MY $5000 credenza just to replace YOUR defective PIECE OF SHIT... I'm gonna take this box out myself, YOU have YOUR dispatch dept call ME when it's convenient for ME, (when, you fakrwit! You didn't say WHEN!) AND HAVE THEM JUST DROP OFF THE REPLACEMENT BOX AND I'LL GIVE THEM THIS F&^*&^KING PIECE OF S%^%T! In the meantime, credit me for the time this'll be out. I'll be waiting to hear from YOU." You won't hear from me, shitfuckface. I'm off the next two days. You won't hear from dispatch, either. Our field techs, who are easily worth twice that much (even if they're not PAID that much, but I'll bet it's close...) ARE NOT FUCKING SIMPLE PIZZA DELIVERY DRIVERS, YOU ARROGANT RICH-ATTITUDE ASSHOLE! GET WITH THE PROGRAM, YOU are no more special than ANY of our OTHER HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of customers... get in the back of the line, elitist...
[By: MadJack]
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Was this a dickbag in Palos Verdes? I hated those snotty little "day traders". -billybien
No, BB, where else whould ha be but... O.C.!! (Orange fu8$%^$&%^#$%#^$#ing County...) -MadJack
Hey, I just spent the weekend in O.C. Under duress. OTOH, I did get some of my math homework done. -pixel
Not all of us in OC are that bad.. hehe -WhiteTiger
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141.
Notes from ARROGANT BETTER THAN THOU
My file notes for the above call as follows:
"Mr. rpts no sound from tv with box. No sound issues other TVs, no sound issues from TV when playing DVD. Cust decl t/s. Rebooted box, no help. Box issue. Cust declined TC, stating "That I will not have a $10 p/h tech trying to change out my box in a $5000 credenza.' Cust req box be dropped off, did not find available times for TC acceptable, earliest bookable being 9/12. Advised cust could req disp to place him on standby, customer states he wants disp to call him when it is convenient for him, to com by and deliver a repl box and pick up one he deems defective. States will discon box until replaced and req cred for time digi is out of svc, and then hung up."
FUCK HIM. Hopefully when they see those notes and hear the recording, they'll blacklist him... Too bad we don't get to keep copies of our recordings... supvs have them handy for call monitoring...
[By: MadJack]
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Tell him, "We have a satisfaction guarantee; if you call back again, we'll be satisfied with knocking your dick in th' dirt....: :-) -vacuumtubes
somebody listens to rant radio/SKTFM -drachen
I've made this comment on other posts, too. Here it is again: Self-centered, egotistical, mother-$&#**&% asshole. -Captain Trips
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142.
Another TV analogy...
The Brain Spawn of Futurama!!!
'Nuff said.
[By: MadJack]
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%&#*@!!! It was on last night. My favorite episode. http://www.geocities.com/zoidberg_fan/episodes/day_stood_stupid.html
-scooby111
Yup. It got me throught the last half hour of my shift. S.H.I.T., but doe I HAVE to go in today? (Don't answer that...) -MadJack
And Now i will leave for teh no Raisins!!! -Harm
Beaver Lumber... hehe... -MadJack
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145.
"I want my mommy!!!"
Steepin' into the Help Desk zones...
So, it's late Sunday night... The complaints about E.O.D are finally starting to die down as people start heading for bed... And here comes Granny, neeping and nopping about her phone not working... system auto-gen'd a w/o for Loss of Comms/NIU NF... it came back up, sys cancl'd the w/o... it went down again... w/o auto-gen... customer's getting ticked because the system is handling this... "Computers are too sophisticated already..." POTD if I've ever heard one... She neeps and nops for 20 mins about us getting someone out thre ro she's gonna cancel... I'm the soul of understanding... (like hell, I am)... I assure her that we will have someone out just as soon (as the TD gets the w/o, confirms, and we can book a tech to go out... prolly Wednesday...)... She neeps and nops because she's 80 years old, not in the best of health, and her son calls her every day, and he's freaking out because he had to call her on her cell phone... and she's driving spikes in my head because she doesn't get that WE GET IT, ALREADY!! NDT issues get top proirity already... it happens... parental concern is perfectly fine, but this guy... not five minutes after she hangs up, who rings my phone... but... him...
(queue Twilight Zone theme....) he complains her # isn't working... he can verify her info... I tell him I was the one she spoke with and we've dealt with the problem... My head hurts and I'm still the soul of understanding... finally, after he neeps and nops for another 10 minutes... he lets go with "I WANT MY MOMMY!!!" W...T...F... (Curls up in a ball under the desk and wishes for...)
[By: MadJack]
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www.rentamom.com ?? -Deadagent
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146.
"I want my mommy!!!" revisited...
This one wasn't so bad... but much dumber...
This gomer calls up 611 for 411 assistance...
A guy sounds like he's in his early 20s...
"Hi, I needx the # for my Mom..."
Blink... Blink... Ohh-kayyyy... "And what would be her name... or address..." "I don't know, she just got remarried, and I don't remember her name!!!"
O...mg... If you don't know her name, kid, what makes you think WE do? When I tell him this is 611/Tech Support, not 411/Operator, he needs to call that #, and they'll need a name or address to find her listing, he neeps and nops... "Can't you get it for me? I don't want to call back, I'm using up my minutes..." He's taking on a whiny tone... You can almost hear the wibbling and waterworks starting... "This is tech support, sir, we don't have access to directory assistance..." "I WANT MY MOMMY!!!"
OMF***GGAWD... 2 IN ONE NIGHT... Gonna log off now, go home, and wrap myself around my pillow and wait for the pain to go back down... wish there was a lovely lady tech waiting for me there...
[By: MadJack]
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I want a new mommmmyyyyyyyyyyyy </heads for LART Shelter>. -compaq42
I love to hear people deflate when you tell them that three-digit calls don't cost "minutes" on a cellphone. :) -Jay911
My response would be, "Yeah, well I want my mommy, too. Are you any good at resurrections?" She's been gone two years now. These idiots should be grateful they still HAVE a mommy! (Of course, unlike them, I never was a "momma's boy." At least, not since I counted my age with two digits.) -Captain Trips
Sorry your Mommie's busy at the moment with a whole lota russian sailors, sounds like they're rehersing for a japanese opera, or something. -Digital Dogcow
I'm so glad we don't have telephony here yet. But I know my department's going to get stuck with it, just like we do everything else. -ClueBat
You want your Mommy? I HAD your mommy, you worthless escapee from a cheap condom! -CyBear
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147.
It's making noise, so you farked it up..
I get ONE good call on a Monday... and my 'Friday' gets mongo 'all day on the uber-stupid queue' instead of the normal 'irksome asshole queue'.
So, Gomer calls up... he just switched two out of three telephone lines to us... the other, a fax line, is still with (big conglom guess-who). Every since the switch over earlier in the day, his fax machine was making a noise somewhere between that of a shredder and a lawn mower. It didn't start that unti lafter we switched the lines, so "What did you do to my phone service? Get someone out here and fix it!" Well, this line's with (X.X.X.), you're CALLING us on it, so you've GOT dial tone... duh, the line's WORKING... maybe that noise indicates it's the MACHINE.... I'd be more concerned about it eating what you're faxing...
[By: MadJack]
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So they managed to stick a phone cord into their corporate wood chipper, and it's your fault? Nice. -Amiga5000
Huh? The post made no sense at all MadJack. What were you trying to say? -mccallister
McAllister-- by the purest happenstance that always happens to gomers and techs, this sf's fax amchine started screwing up at the same time that two telephone lines in the home were changed to our service from someone else, while the fax # was not changed. He believed the noise coming from the machine was some indicator that the fax couldn't go through because he wasn't getting a dial tone. He called us on the same phone # that his fax machine was hooked up to, and asked us what we did that farked up the phone line, WHILE HE WAS TALKING TO ME ON IT... -MadJack
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148.
Reroute the signal...
Gomer calls... the phone is out.. "Do you have a dial tone, sir?" "I don't know, I'm in San Francisco..."
(Pregnant Pause)
Turns out his wife, down here in Sandy Eggo, sent him a text msg frm cell to cell and asked him to call and find out what's going on, 'she's just freaking out", says he. "Yes, there is an outage in the area, just let her know it'll be back on soon." Why she didn't just use her cell to call US, DIRECTLY... Yes, Sir, Ma'am, we're rerouting your signal now... We'll send it to your husband in SF first... I hope he's grounded... har har har...
[By: MadJack]
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Maybe she doesn't have a cellphone, but rather one of those 2-way text pagers like what Riff has. -OgdenTechGuy
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149.
Stafrish with issues kill techs...
So... after a recent update to the S.A. Digibox software, the INFO button does not bring up all pertient data re any program... one has to first bring up GUIDE... select the program... hit INFO... and after the info LOADS... THEN, it will work when you press INFO from the picture... So... Gomer calls up... can't get his INFO button to work... I explain this is a small sw bug... That's not good enough for him, not that I haven't heard this some thing for days... "This is a personal affront to me. I pay $80 a month for your services, my rates just went up $7 a month, I've paid my bill ON TIME for the last 30 YEARS... YOU SHOULD TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOUR LOYAL CUSTOMERS... This is important to me, I'm a 100% disabled American veteran... I didn't serve my country for this..." Well, guess what, your tech wor the uniform, too, and he's steill busting his ass to work and keep a roof over his head every day, like so many other veterans, while living with a slowly debilitating service-incurred illness that Uncle denies even exists... you're driving a knife in my skull with your neeping and nopping... and you want a credit on your account for this? GET... THE FARK... OFF MY PHONE, PRIVATE PYLE!!!
[By: MadJack]
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You mean you haven't personally coded a software fix just for him? You heartless bastard! -smellystudent
This reminds me of Rube from Dead Like Me- To a woman who cut in line 'Are these people assholes?' 'I dunno, no.' 'Well then you're the only one. Get back in the line.' 'But I have kids in the car!' 'That guy over there has a disability and is in pain, that woman there is on her lunch break, and that guy over there has a doctors appointment for a fatal illness. We all have our own lives to lead, and the fact that you're using children to get a break in life is reprehensible. Get to the back of the line.' -DracoSuave
MJ- I've had that too. I asked sf how much disability he had- 30%. I told him I had 40% and asked if he wanted to compare scars. -LaserGuru
Remeber the old saying "Whats the difference between major and minor surgery? Major surgery is what I have and minor surgery is what you have" -Zoomer
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150.
I know how she got her job...
Get a load of this... Gomerette calls up... "My TiVo's not recording channel 4." We DON'T SUPPORT TIVO... we make our own DVRs... maybe she didn't know... she's using our service, not TiVo's, after all... I tell her the TiVo DVR isn't compatible with our service... not acceptable... "put your TV on ch 3, pls..." I'll prove it to her... "6, 8, 10, 15, 39, 51..."
You're going the wrong way... "Your TV's picking up only what's on the airwaves..." "Why is that? I have both your service AND DirecTV... DirecTV also uses a brand name DVR, not TiVo... "This all started after my husband's credit card got stolen..." wtf does THAT have to do with the fact you can't record a channel that only WE air on non-compatible hw... why the f do you even have two different services and a digital recorder from yest NOATHER service... and this gomerette is a traffic reporter for one of our 'big 3 network' channels... exactly which shall remain namelsse... I know how she got her job... and she's not even that great looking on camera...
[By: MadJack]
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Does she roll her r's when mentioning a Spanish name? I dealt with idiots like that when I worked for your company. I had "Chef Larry" call me directly all the time! -billybien
She probably got the job by rolling her arse.. -Gromit
Perhaps the top of her head is beautiful. Or; flat enough to hold a beer. -LaserGuru
Maybe she thinks any type of DVR is a TiVo. Like everyone calls facial tissue "Kleenex" even if it isnt Kleenex brand. Even if that's the case, though, she's still a dumbass. -OgdenTechGuy
I know what town YOU are in! Why did she want to TIVO channel 4? The Padres aren't worth recording! -Captain Trips
I dunno about the Pads not being worth recording... and yup, I yam where yu thunk I am... where else would I be, working for (synonymous with)... -MadJack
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151.
Was it a dream?
Last night, I had the strangest dream. A lady tech from a local sw co (no names; but think cd burner sw) called up with a box problem. It was late, the box was 'black channelled' (guide but no pic, oh shyte...) she was tired, she was civilized, she was patient, she understood the box had issues. She was tech who understood not only what had to be done; but understood what we needed to do, and was COOPERATIVE and a PLEASURE to talk to. Would this kind of call could happen more than once in a hundred blue moons... Wherever in San Diego this lady tech is... Time to wake up now... S.H.I.T (So Happy It's Tuesday)...
[By: MadJack]
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<reaches over to pinch MadJack awake> Aww, I just don't have the heart. I'll give him another few minutes. -Bobsentme
Dammit M.J. how many times have I told you to stop smoking that stuff at work?. -Digital Dogcow
S.H.I.T. indeed...except I mean it, I have the next 2 days off. -Darth
And afterward she was so grateful for your technical prowress that she....... ? -mccallister
That's why I say S.H.I.T. every Tuesday, Darth; because it's Friday!! -MadJack
Funny, my dream last night invloved Melissa Joan Hart.... -Mathias
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152.
But, I don't have any...
So, it's about 11 last night... and my neighbor bursts out laughing. She tells me what happened after I get off the call... she was helping yet another starfish reboot the box... and then out of the blue, she heaars "I wanna lick your balls." She tells me, 'before I could stop myself, I said "But I don't have any..." before she got to the mute button... then, she realized the girl on the other end of the phone was talking to someone else... T...M....I.... Why do these people have to call while going to the toilet or having sex? What about their service can be so important to interrrupt....
[By: MadJack]
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There reason is they have no class what so ever. -THETECHFROMHELL
My question is: How bad can the sex be that you're on the phone with tech support instead of enjoying the sex? :p -SwedishChef
The lad brings out a good point.. -Warrick
Maybe it's a turn-on for them to have sex while talking to someone else. -scooby111
Auditory exhibitionism? -NightSteel
Well, considering the sound came up during the reboot, perhaps they changed their opening .wav file? </Devil's Advocate> -Bobsentme
I'm with the Chef on this one. If you can even think about your computer, let alone anything, he ain't doin' it right. -Hastur
These days you have to wonder who uttered that phrades- her or her partner. -LaserGuru
*Cringes* DARN YOU LG!!! *shakes fist* bad image... bad bad bad. -MaskedMarauder
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153.
Don't know about this...
So... I was just doing a backup of my files. On the 'inside cover page' of the inset the cd mfrs give you, I noted the following:
'CD Technical Support. 877-(xxx-xxxx).'
Technical support for cds. Would that be easy? Insane with uber-starfish calls? I can see it now.
"Insert the cd into the cd drive... No, shiny side down... What, you can't get the drive bay open? Call your OEM... No, we don't support the cd drive... It has our brand name?... Yes, we DO make cd drives, DVD drives, and cd burners; but this is tech support for COMPACT DISCS only. I'll have to transfer you to... OH, you got it open?.. Where do you put the cd?... Oh, the drive is sticky? Oh, I see... that IS NOT a coffee cup holder... not ANY kind of cup holder... This is a piece of sensitive computer equipment, NOT A COASTER!!! Just one moment... what kind of drive is it?... I KNOW it's a (xxxx), you already told me it has our brand name on it! Is it a cd-rom, cd-rw, or dvd-rom?... What? You don't know? It's too technical?.. No, we don't accept returns by phone... if you drop it out the window, along with the rest of your computer, we WILL NOT replace it... Hello... Stupid Starfish... CLICK...
[By: MadJack]
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It's missing something. Hmm. . . .I wanna new CD! -valkyrja
I like the CD we have. -LaserGuru
You get them too? I thought that was just me. YES, I have had that kind of call before. It was a DVD, they had a CD-RW. They didn't understand the concept of CD versus DVD. -MaskedMarauder
Starfish logic: CDs, CD-ROMs and DVDs are round, shiny and same size. Ergo there is no difference. -NordicPT
I still like OUR CD's method of technical support better ;-) -Mango
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154.
Drunk 'n' Starfish...
Don't know if I'd consider it a LART; but I got to throw back a starfish I caught last night. 11:55. This drunken gomerette calls up, wants to know how to program her speed dial. I can tell she's gonna be trouble because she's slurring every word, and she's got that drunken 'tude. "What button do I push to make it speed dial?" "I thought Speed Dial was you wouldn't hear it deal, you press 1 # & the whole # is dialed." I give her one chance... "You have to dial *72.." BEEEEEP BEEEEP, BEEEP... she's doing it right then... thought so... "It's not working... Tell me EXACTLY what to do..." Youbetcha... "First, you have to hang up, and ... "click" dialTOOOOONNNNE....." Bwahahahaha.... Logoff. As I'm walking out the door, I hear another tech has got her... "Tell her she needs to hang up to make it work..." I hissed to him as I walked out the door... S.H.I.T. (So Happy It's Tuesday...)
[By: MadJack]
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oh i like it -rhiannon
You coulda said "after I give you all the instructions, hang up..." but you wouldn't do that to yourself, would you?! -Dj
So did the other tech tell her first she had to hang up? -sassicatz
Why the fark do these people keep calling when impaired? They're either drunk, high, or punch-drunk. -scooby111
I think that qualifies as a self lart. but tipping off the other tech was just a beautiful topper! nice! -wolfprince
That was sweet. I always like telling people they need to disconnect cords from the back of their system...wait for it...*click* -Zayda
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155.
No high tech for you!!
It's been a long evening. I'm wired, and I'm tired.
Telling all of today's stories now; while I'm still hyped on caffeine. I felt like I was in the twilight zone of the stupid until dinner.
3:30. First call out of the bater's box: Ma Kettle can't get a picture. Took less than two minutes to determine her TV set was somehow locked onto ch 2, and she couldn't understand why, even though we didn't make her TV, why we couldn't fix it. Took 18 minutes to explain that her digibox worked fine,and it doesn't lock a tv into one channel. She couldn't find the TV manual, had arthritis ten times worse than mine, and couldn't manage the remote. I'm sorry, grandma; but your cable company does NOT have the user manual for your tv or vcr! You have to call they that made it. Old people should NOT be let near high technology. If the remote's too complicated... put it down and find something valuable to do with the time you have left. It's too precious to waste staring at the tube.
[By: MadJack]
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156.
Confirmation Ma Kettle don't need it...
The next call, I got another Ma Kettle who babled on about getting an e-mail from someone she didn't know saying her e-mail wasn't being received.
And to think, when they were our age, they had decent measures of intelligence. Grandma, you just got an e-mail from someone saying they didn't get the e-mail you didn't send them in the first place!
People that prey on the elderly are schmucks; but the elderly REALLY need to stop being quite so trusting (especially when it's about something that didn't come into their lives after they'd reached senior citizenship to begin with!) Off to HSI with you, you've reached Vid/Tel. Buh-bye!
God, this job's making me cruel...
Punting old folks...
[By: MadJack]
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"Well ladies and gentelmen, that wraps up anothre eppisode of TechSports right here on ESPN2, where our champion, MadJack remains un-defeated in the SeniorPunting events. Stay tuned to ESPN2 for StarfishLarting, where Digital Dogcow will be defending his title. I'm Wolf Prince, with ESPN2." -wolfprince
<flips the channel from ESPN to Big Breasted Women Car Washing Olympics> -burrkiss
<Sits next to burrkiss and ogles the big boobs on the TV> -rockytech
Well, its not called the Boobtube for nothing -Zoomer
Perhaps you are looking at http://www.booble.com/ ? -LaserGuru
<waits for the Swedish Olympic Bikini team to come onscreen for the car-wash event...> -CTYankee
LMAO Laser! -StarfishArthur
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158.
Call four...
Gomer with basic calls, gets only chs 2-22 in a room that just had the cable jack activated. Has full basic in three other rooms. Signal's active, tv and vcr just need to be autoscanned. Bearing in mind we're guessing when it comes to TV and VCR commands for setups (antenna settings, menus, etc, that are more specific than the 'universal' features (ff, rew, play, record, ch #, stop, vol, ch up, ch down, power, etc.) I try to walk him through the simple task of setting the device 'antenna' to CATV and autoscanning the channel feed. Autoscan picks up all channels; but they're snow. Both 'antenna's' are set for 'aerial', boviously. He spends fifteen minutes floundering, trying to find them and disregarding anything I direct him at. Finally... "Can I get someone out here for this?" I know it's frustrating that you can't find the settings; but we're NOT gonna roll a truck to program your equipment. Find the manual and RTFM!!! GGGGRRRR,,,,,
More proof that too much TV lowers the IQ... Did I mention this was the 4th set in the house?
[By: MadJack]
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teee veee? oh you must be referrring to the unwanted feed my Gamecube/PS2 display tube picks up when neither device is on.... -Lehk
I know you're posting late at night, and so I will cut you even more slack for typos than I do ordinarily... but I will always mention ones that are humorous, so... "boviously"? You bringing Digital Dogcow into this? -chazz
Autoscanning a TV can indeed be hard! Took me 10 minutes once. Of course the TV was in a language I don't read a word of and my translator was quite the SF when it comes to technology. -Loren
"It won't change channels. It just keeps saying Z0, E0, h0, S0, 90, L0, 80, 60, 0I..." "Sir, turn your TV right side up." -Jay911
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159.
Would you do this to your PC?
Okay, I'm ranting. Last rant. I'm tired, I'm tweaking from the brainlessness of our starfish.
About two hours into the shift, another gomerette calls re her EOD. Now, for those who haven't seen it, EOD brings up a 'load' screen while the digibox links with the EOD server. When there's high traffic volume... it errors out or stays there until you change the channel. Of course, you'd think it'd be obvious that if you don't access the main screen in nore more than one minute, you ain't getting on this time. So, starfishy called and asked what was taking so long to load. I ask how long she's been stuck on ch 1's load screen. "Since this time yesterady..." Blink... lbink... wtf... "I figured if I left it there, it'd come on sooner or later..."
[By: MadJack]
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Had a Manageress (yes, the one who was the COEs mother so unshiftable) who rang a customer at the appointed time but got the busy signal just as I left for my lunch break. I returned to find her still on that call"they know I am ringing about now so why are they on the phone this long?" she said. I had not the heart to tell but had to rush out before I burst out laughing. -Zoomer
Now that I'm awake and working on my first cup of coffee... three hours to go until I have to go back in... remember that episode of Friends where Phoebe's on the phone for two days because "You are our next caller" on a Friday evening", and she stayed on until... it was two days at the last count... Phoebs... get off the phone!!!! -MadJack
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160.
Cable Irony...
Okay, funny anecdote. Anybody watch Cartoon Network now and then? I admit it, I'm a toon freak, old and new. So, anyone familiar with this corny new toon "Megas XLR"? Tonight, the story was all about Cable Deprivation. Signal's out at the opening of the show. Hero blows out all the TVs in town with some SERIOUS signal amplification, & wakes up a 'signal eating' alien rock. He trounces it, goes back home, cable's still not on. After all that 'troubleshooting', the hero forgot to pay the cable blil. Alll-righty then...
[By: MadJack]
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My kids are always watching Cartoon network. they always turn it to something else when this show comes on. I got to watch one eppisode the other night, and told them they weren't allowed to chang it anymore. -wolfprince
I don't watch too much of CN's non-Adult Swim line-up (Except for Justice League Unlimited when I get the chance), and I saw the Mega XLRS- whatever a weekend or two ago. I really liked it. The problem is: it's so hard to justify to the wife why I want to watch cartoons on a Saturday night... -DarkTanz
I was SOOO tired when I posted this... forgot to mention that at that time, while Megas was on (bear in mind, we have TVs at our desks, how else will we check "signals"?) I was dealing with a gomer who's box was auto-discon for non-pay? -MadJack
sounds like what has happened to my dircway satellite here in iraq ITS BEEN DOWN FOR 4 DAYS! -SGTARKyTEK
Sounds like the ragheads can jam satellite now. "For our customers in the military, *** now offers our new extra long cable service... and when it doesn't work (due to signal degradation)... you can use it to LART Iraqis!!! Keep the faith, Stargy, Laser and I and all the O.D.S. vets are pulling for you guys. Sucks being there... -MadJack
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163.
Costello Tries 2 Buy Computer fm Abbott
This from an e-mail from a high school classmate now in St. Louis.
ABBOTT (behind the counter at: Super Duper computer store): Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
[By: MadJack]
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164.
A/C 2
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
[By: MadJack]
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165.
A/C 3
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
[By: MadJack]
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167.
Baby with the bath water...
Gomerette calls up late last night, can't change the channel, thinks her box has frozen & hasn't checked anything. We check box-face buton responses, chs work, she can't manipulate the remote. Finally prove to her her batteries are dead.
Out of the frying pan and into the 10th level of ehll.
"How do I get the cover off?" She spent 5 minutes beyothcing while I tyr to tell her how to get the fucking battery cover off, and she's neeping..."It's a gimmick!" "I have to turn it ALL in to tget it wo tork!"
"Can't you send seomone out here reqal quick to fix it?" Satrfish needs on-site tech support to CHNAGE HER BATTERIES.... Yeah, I'm gonna send a tech right over... S.H.I.T. (So Happy It's Tuesday)>
[By: MadJack]
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*blink* Red leader, this is Red One. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I repeat, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Over. -mousie
Hmmm. $100 Roll Out Fee/Stupidity Tax. Hell, yeah, I'd go over and change her batteries for her. I'd even change them on her vibrating "friend" for that much cash. ;-) -SwedishChef
Send a tech out? Sure I could do that. Alternately, you could GET A FUCKING CLUE AND PERFORM A TASK THAT A FUCKING 6-YEAR-OLD COULD DO!!! Get the fuck off my phone before I send a tech down there to bitch-slap you. -scooby111
Scary. how do these people not suffocate while eating! -Dj
*clears throat and pulls out ye olde story of stupid* Way back in time, there was a king. This king had servants for everything. chewing his meals, moving his sheets and tucking him in, and even putting on his shoes. Well, one day his servant whose soul job was moving the kings chair away from the fire or closer to the fire depending on how hot it was, was out sick.... The king thusly died of over heating because he wouldn't get up and move his chair away from the fire. Much less, just move. -MaskedMarauder
I've said it before and I'll say it again. With most people not just starfish the problem is that "You gotta Be Smarter Than The Machinery You Are Operating." -atomicbill
atomicbill, that's the 10% rule. "you have to be 10% smarter than the object you are working with" And Chef, I think part of her problem is that the battery cover on her remote looks NOTHING like the battery cover on her friend. I'm sure she has no problems changing THAT battery. -wolfprince
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168.
In search of...
the prefect LART for when a customer has a kneejerk overreaction (IT'S ALL OR NOTHING! Fix is now or I call my lawyer! Make it work or I'll cancel my service, I spend $70 a month for channels I don't watch so I don't have to go to the video store!)
We need to be able to make the picture clear as day for them, and make them feel like schmucks for even THINKING in such kneejerk ovverreactive ways. Get a freaking clue, Gomer!
We need the perfect saying that QA can NEVER ding us for that we can use whenever they piss us off.
The floor is open for suggestions...
[By: MadJack]
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That perfect saying starts with "I quit.", from there you're free to do whatever you like. -itwasntme
For any "or else" customers: "That is your choice sir/madam. However, you called me for support and if you are willing to follow instructions and abide by the rules, we will see what we can do to help you." -virtualchoirboy
Look in the TOS for your company and give them that spiel. Company I worked for, if they threatened legal action, we had a client written blanket statement we got to say, and full permission to hang up on their asses. QA ONCE tried to ding an agent for doing that. It wasn't pretty for the QA people. -Dragones
Thankfully, I have the luxury of making the user come to me when they have a problem our first, second, or third levels can't resolve. If they get smart on the phone, I make sure to say that I'll need to have it on my desk to fix it. -john11v35
For the ones that want to sue, I promptly give the the mailing address for our "Team of Legal representatives" (Ya, we got a team of them you stupid fuck) If they just don't want to trouble shoot, then I ask them to call back when they will. I'm tech support, I'm here to fix your computer problem - not your feelings. -jard
From our VP of Network Deployment: "Go ahead, our lawyers are bored." -CarbonTetra
Our general response is 'OK, make sure you take you warranty info and scope of support packet with you' -Zayda
That's easy. "Well, since you put it that way. I will accept your request for immediate termination of service which shall leave you with NO service whatsoever. Please wait to be transferred to billing" SF: "But ..." Resume LART: " And you must also be aware of the clause in our agreement about fees for not alloting the predetermined required amount of notification so you'll get charged AND have no service AND YOU ALREADY AGREED TO THESE TERMS WHEN YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT!" SF: "But ..." Finishing LART: " ... or do you wish for me to ignore your last request and have the technician continue on current schedule?" -Necros
No QA for me :) Had this from one customer "I'll never use you company again!" the reply "That fine Sir, but in case you change your mind I've blacklisted your credit card number on our system. Have a good day." -PID1
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169.
Nobody dtold us we had to change modes!
Gomerette calls upbecause her boxd isn't working.
A tech was just out to deal with snow where the picture should be. According to gomerette, the field tech told her 'it's your remote", fiddled with it some, and left. Yeah, right. Work order says some work was done on the signal line. Like I'm gonna believe her over a field tech. Now, however, Gomerette cannot turn on/off the box/tv or change cahnnels on either one. Had her check the box function from the buttons on the box face, all go. Had her play with themode & power buttons, all work. She just couldn't use the remote right. I tell her she just needs to hit the appropriate mode button before changing cahnnels, power, etc, and she says "Nobody told us we had to change modes!"
Tell me, wouldn't you think common sense would indicate is? (Duh, of course not, starfish don't no better. Qeue Daffy!)
http://f2.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/0IgaQWz2mmWxsyuUhEPvdPmlxS3UCvEo9uN7-8-CwTHTr31X2UUfxuAaUvoecdEf6zsHWmO7Oj4ntJKcxNMpfiu7LejBMqBQog/Jack%27s%20wavs/Daffyscream.wav
Been a while since I used that one.
TGIW.
[By: MadJack]
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www.tinyurl.com -Calydor
TinyUrls into http://tinyurl.com/4wcf9 -Veinor
404 -OgdenTechGuy
You can't hotlink a Yahoo! group file. -LaserGuru
I get "Document Not Found"
As a side note, there's even a "Create TinyURL for this page" extension for Mozilla Powersheep... I mean Firefox. Won't work for Yahoo groups, but will for almost any other link. -TechnoVampire
PowerSheep, hunh? "I FEEL THE MOOOOOOOO!!!!!....." </bad He-Man knockoff> -CTYankee
If I remember correctly, causing scrolling is one of the TSC drinking game rules... *downs a couple of shots* -teivrann
Don't know why that links gives everyone fits, works when I click it... -MadJack
Most likely because you're still logged into your Yahoo account that is a registered member of said Yahoo group :) -Nonamys
CT_ shouldn't that be "I FEEL THE BAAAAA..." ? -HappyCrappy
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170.
I know these thigs!!!
Rough night last night. Major bottleneck in the South Bay, you'd think it was the weeked, how many people called about e.o.d. Just watch something else, ok?
So. gomer in Greater Long Beach/etc calls up because his box is tiling. If you have digital cable from ANYONE, you know what that is. Picture breakup due to signal levels or interference (ingress), it's the same thing as static (aka snow)
on the basic channels. Guy wants to spend 20 minutes discussing why it doesnot work when all that needs to be done is send a tech out to check his lines. He refuses to troubleshoot, blames everything on the box. I patiently try to explain there are many reasons why it could be happening, he keeps parrying them off as fast as he can with one excuse or explanation or another. Signal towers? Nope. Ingress? "Can't be. I'm an electrical engineer. I konw all about coax lines, they don't do that."
You just demonstrated you don't kow jackshyte, otherwise you wouldn't have said that. Get off my phone, jerokff. Quit looking for an excuse to blame it on the box and duck out of a possible trouble call fee, shut up, and let me do my job. It's almost 11 at night, and we've STILL in the red. Moron.
[By: MadJack]
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Tell himi its the Comet's Tail we are passing through right now and there is nothing you can do about it, it'll clear up in a few days. Who knows, it may even be true! The Persied Comet is passing by right now and Earth is passing through its tail. You can check NASA'a website for meteor shower viewing times and directions for tonight and tomorrow, they say it should be a great show, especially for the Eastern Hemisphere folks! -GargoyleTS
Saw a really neat green meteor the other night. Low and slow. -TechnoVampire
That wasn't a green meteor, that was someone throwing a glow in the dark frisbee.... Just kiddin man. -kryliss
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172.
To paraphrase Bill Shatner...
OK. Gomerette with no life calls up. She LOVES, and I mean LOVES her BRAVO channel. Now, in the OC, it's broadcast on one channel if you have basic and on another if you have digital, but that other channel is still in the basic cable range. The channel gets moved to another # because we're beta-testing InDemand's oh-so beloved E./V.O.D for that area. Soon, triple the amount of calls re "The movie froze and my box rebooted! Why does this never work!"
This one, "What did you do with my Bravo? It's bad enough it has to share time on this channel with another broadcaster (a local latin broadcaster) without you moving it around! There isn't any other intelligent programming out there!" And she goes off, beyotching about how immigrants are so much more important to us that we've bumped her favorite channel for them.
Sheesh, go in the other room and watch it on the channel that doesn't move, or go do something else! <Bill Shatner> "People! It's ONLY a TV channel!"
And we wonder why starfish are SOOOOOO dumb...
TURN OFF THE TV!!!
[By: MadJack]
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i believe the appropriate reply should be "Get a life!" -Servo
That SNL sketch cracked me up. -LaserGuru
I've been TV free for over 2 years, and I don't miss it. I can feel my IQ points regrowing already! -DarthLuke
No TV and No Beer make BH something something. -Bunglehawk069
Looks like Bill is goint to show up on ST: Enterprise as Kirk? Must be another time travel epi. -LaserGuru
Ive noticed that trend lately. I speak only a little Spanish(Mexican). It seems that 10% or more of my channels are now Spanish-speaking only. I dont really have a problem with the cable companies marketing to a large percentage of the population, but Im a little tired of paying for something that I cant even use. -scooby111
All the big channels are moving to digital, if no one's heard, there's a federal mandate that all broadcasters be transmitting on digital frequency by the end of 2006, to free up the analog bands. -MadJack
Forgot to say that's why so many less than watchable or other demographic specific channels are taking over basic cable. The others are working on HD, first. -MadJack
What? She couldn't get Wifetime or the Oxygen channel? *ducks larts coming from all females, especially CD, Dragones and Mousie* -kman52000
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173.
I want my P.P.V.!!!
Different tech topic...
Okay, so, these days, I'm a tech again; but not doing IT type. I work for a huge company who handles all kinds of comm svcs: Better than DSL internet, Telephone, and.... TELEVISION. Oy! They shall forever remain nameless; but if you want a guess... see my profile page and take a wild guess.
You won't be wrong. For those of you who work for them, you already know what I'm talking about.
How many people out there use a digital box for your TV services?
Good. Okay, how many have heard of the new service from InDemand called "Entertainment On Demand", which is nothing but streaming video?
And, it's either being downloaded by digi-terms that have the power of an 8088, or a DVR (Digital Video Recorder) which has the power of a 386 and a 200gb hd (and all kinds of software problems with sound and InDemand?)
All weekend, that's all you hear, when EVERY ONE of your customers is trying to use it at THE SAME TIME as everyone else. From three in the afternoon until midnite, NEEP NEEP NOP NOP. I want a NAP NAP at the end of my shift.
[By: MadJack]
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174.
I want my P.P.V.!!! Part 2
(I keep forgetting you can only post so much at once, I've been away too long. Good to rant from home, we don't dare from work!)
And if that one feature doesn't work, they think the whole service is shyite and want to cancel the whole shooting match. Last night, I spent the whole time rebooting boxes and waiting for it to come back on, and explaining over... and over... AND OVER...why they just have to be PATIENT! You'd think digital boxes were the most powerful thing since the Cray. Sheesh.
The sad thing, aside from the usual starfish selective hearing and asking the same thing 10 times, getting ahead of what you're telling them and then having brain vapor-lock two seconds after they fall behind again, (not to mention, there's better things to do! Turn off the TV! Get on the internet or do something!)
This husband and wife, they're watching a movie, and it hiccups and the box reboots. They call up. "WAAA!!! I want my P.P.V!!" There's a MASSIVE traffic jam on the pipeline, one of our transmission centers is having a serious bottleneck. Gotta wait for it to clear. "But we want to see this! My husband's ship is going on deployment tomorrow, and we GOTTA see this TONIGHT!" Hell, if he's off to the P.G. tomrrow, don't you think you have something more important (and a lot more fun) to be doing right now? And, that was only "Monday". Four days to go. I miss the simple days when Outlook wouldn't work for shyte and you could blame someone else and kick them where they needed to go. Got a virus? Buh-bye!
[By: MadJack]
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Welcome to the wonderful world of "I can't order PPV!!!" I get people who can't understand why the hell they can't order PPV, when their bill is 3 months past due! On the other hand, our best customers who pay $150.00/mo on time can't get through because of bottlenecking. You'd think the DIGI and DVR boxes would have a little more in it to prevent a hit buffer backup! -billybien
I'm fairly certain we work for the same company and I feel your pain. Some of those fishies manage to find their was to us over here in tier 3. -leonine
wb dude:) -timelady
"Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?" </Spock - ST IV> -Digital Dogcow
Damn, MadJack, haven't seen you post in quite a while! Glad to see you back. Too bad ya still have ta deal with this shit. :p -SwedishChef
As far as watching the movie and having 'more important things they could be doing', what kind of movie was it, because they could have been doing both. -Splunge
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175.
Suggestions welcome....
Hi, all; I'm back to post every now and again, and I'm starting with a non-comedy post. Shame on me.
So: I'm now in San Diego, I left Depressed Dallas behind at the end of June. I had an unbelieveable job almost fall in my lap. The job I came for fell through; but a temp agency got me a job doing DE work, and the client hired me perm as a data guru. What a mess the shop is! A small warehouse for a sports equipment mfr, a peer-to-peer system with ancient Goatways with no more than 64m, running Quickbooks for all their business, with everyone's fingers in every file. No virus control to speak of, no security, dial-up using AOHell, working crazily to assess systems for an imminent change to DSL, and in the middle of it all, the fiscal year just started and their entire records system is being converted from 02-03 to 03-04, running back and forth between Access, Excel, and QuickBooks. Tables flip-flopping everywhere. God, I've never been happier, even if I feel like tearing my hair out. I've got a thorny problem that I can't find an answer for. I love thses.
[By: MadJack]
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gateways AND AOL? im so sorry... -crackshot
<flashes back> <curls into corner> <rocks back and forth> <hums to himself> I'm so sorry for you. Good luck and I hope they don't make you as insane as me. -scooby111
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176.
Suggestions welcome....Pt 2
Here's the thing. The boss is somewhat computer savvy; but he's hip deep in converting the files. Problem: every stock item's UPC code is having to been scanned in to Excel one item at a time, sticker by sticker, and back to Quickbooks again. Here's where I'm seeking an answer that I could never support at Hell, and ran across once a long time ago. I cannot find an answer on support .ms, google, or anywhere else, and I've been searching since it dropped on my desk yesterday morning. This whole process can be speeded up but for one thing: The boss has programming skill; me, duh! None. He's programmed macros for Excel to speed up the process and paste everything through; but the TABs programmed into the macros fail because the Office Clipboard truncates them. Ah, for a quick fix. (Yeah, right!) Ideas? Send them my way!!!!
I'll be back with glorious tales once I've got things under control. I'm trying to convince the inside sales rep that he's having problems dialing because he has AOHell 4.x AND 7.x on his system, and everything but the central system (Don't call it a server! Something else to change) running Win98, the 'server' running XP-H. I'm gonna remake the entire thing from the ground up, if I have anything to say about it (and I do!) If only they paid a little better. I'm getting all of $12 an hour for this. Good, but not so much in San Diego. I'll still spend the vast majority on rent. Ahhhhhhh. It's nicfe to gripe about work!!!!! Work. I missed it. Watch this space for a star soon!
[By: MadJack]
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Is there a way to specify extended ASCII characters in the macro? ALT-009, is it? -namor
Wait, nevermind, that doesn't matter... it's not the macro that's failing the addition, is it... <sigh> Sorry. -namor
MadJack -- can the tab be replaced with the escape string \t? -chazz
"I'm mean nasty and tired, I eat concertina wire and I piss napalm, and I can put a round through a flea's ass at 200 meters so why don't you go hump someone else's leg muttface before I push yours in." </ Gunny Highway> -Digital Dogcow
hmmm. Well. Stupid me would probably do something drastic like upgrade a computer to win2k/officexp and see if it still truncates. -Gecko
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177.
Who's bright idea was THIS???!!??
Sorry, I know it's off topic; but couldn't belive my eyes when I saw this. Whoever came up with this idea needs to be LARTED and then shot.
http://www.msnbc.com/news/931238.asp
[By: MadJack]
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Leave it to the government to fuck it up for everybody -GambitTrance
Sooooooooooooo to "stimulate the economy" we take Mr. A and reduce his income (no OT), and ASSUME that the company will use the extra money saved and hire Mr. B (a peon), who doesnt make a lot of money in the first place and probably will mostly buy cost-of-living items? Yeah, leave it up to the government to fuck everything up -burrkiss
Changes have to change...they have a good point about these rules being constructed around a totally different type of economy. Besides, big deal, the last two jobs I had where I was hourly I wasn't allowed to work OT or it was given back in comp time...I never saw more pay because of it. The few people I know now who are working OT are on mandatory OT between 10-20 hrs a week and they're companies won't hire anyone to ease the workload anyway because they figure it's cheaper to pay experienced workers OT then hire and train someone. -redevil34
I saw a followup on that story that said office workers who make more than US$65K/year make up the majority of that number. Do you really think someone who gets paid $30/hour to sit at a desk needs to be paid overtime? -Brf
HFS!!! I am so glad I am Canadian. I do no work for which I am not pay. If I am not paid, do not except anything but the most substandard bullshit you've ever seen. -mousie
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178.
THIS is news.....?
Once again, it has been confirmed the luser/leuser/starfish is steupid. (Not our stEUpid, specifically, of course.) This just published in the New York Times, the newspaper of the upper crust:
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/06/04/technology/04NET.html?ex=1055995200&en=1443478e1e30e843&ei=5004&partner=UNTD
Anyone here could have told them that. This is news, to the upper crust. We now have the chink in the armor of the rich we were searching for <BFEG!>
[By: MadJack]
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Hmm. How'd this get to be #3 instead of the bottom of today's postings? -MadJack
You can file that one under: "No S&*t." -scooby111
In other news, no cure for cancer yet... -Coward
I heard a rumor you can also find pornography on this here Internet thing. -Oaty
Must be a slow news day in NY... -RiffRaff
isnt this the same newspaper that just had 2 reporters quit because they made things up?
-postal tech
Yep, I'm on high-speed and I get "attacked" regularly. Honestly, I never had a problem ~until~ I put up a firewall (farkin' piece eof crap that it is)... I keep a text file of every IP address that tries to "attack" my system, just for the fun of it. :) -Jonos
I dont bother with firewall, just XPs integrated one (I know I know) but better than nothing. I do however encrypt sensitive stuff and run regular (daily) virus updates and scans, followed by a backup to tapes which are on a 14 tape daily rotation -Quinn
I feel pretty safe sitting behind my router with NAT. Still keep Norton AV running, and I've got a firewall installed if I need it for any reason. -RiffRaff
Well, that's not as bad as that horses arse Bill Kurtus (A&E American Justice etc.)calling RAM the "brains" of the computer in his smarmy sweeps-week "hackers" un-expose. Get a couple actors, some script kiddies and go freak out the lusers. Aint America Great? hehe. -EUsBYTE
Thre it is. We're the ones that know this stuff, they don't know jackshyte unless they read it in the NYTimes or the Washington Post. The rest of the world hears about major viruses they've already got from talking heads on the TV news and freak out. So, WTF is it we're the broke and unemployed ones? Ida thunk we'd be ruling the world by now. <BFEG!> -MadJack
I run NAV corporate edition on all my PC's. My homeserver runs M$ ISA server behind my router. I still get the occasional virus from Kaaza. <Yeah I know. Open a big hole thru all that security.) -scooby111
I have about 10 ports open to the public - and I bet you I'm more secure than 99.9 of home users. Haven't been hit by a virus in quite a while, either - last time was during my 386 era, and it *required* a low-level reformat. Been pretty careful since. -namor
I haven't had a problem w/ my cable modem since I hooked up a Linksys router w/ NAT built in like Riff's doing, and I'm maniacal about having the most up-to-date NAV definitions. No problems whatsoever, and the modem's even behaving itself better. Even with all the time my wife & I are on KaZaA, we still don't get viruses. -PaseoGuy
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179.
Humorous link...
Okay, everyone; I know we want to keep the posted links down, but I couldn't resist this one. Tkaes forever for published comics to post. Check this:
http://www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/crank/about.htm
Check the Crankshaft comic for 5/18.
<G>
[By: MadJack]
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Ahhhh...I've missed that cartoon! LOL -techiegoddess
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180.
Call me crazy...
Not a story, just a heads up for my fellow
unemployed techs in the D/FW area.
M$ is HIRING. Check this:http://www.dfwemployment.com/scripts/ads/get_jobs.asp?cat_id=4
I'm printing my cl and resume now; when I log off
to free up the phone line at one; i'm taking it straight to the mailbox. Hey, after all, it's work!
[By: MadJack]
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You're crazy. <g> -RiffRaff
Shoveling $h!t in a stable is work, too. I wouldn't apply for it. Same with working for a certain Redmond-based company. -Robster2001
I'm honestly not sure I could live with myself if I worked for Microsh1+. It would be like becoming a Congressman. Or President. -CaffeineHead
sorry guy but... SELLOUT!!!!!!!!! tech support of any kind is one thing but M$ guy that company is the cause of so many problems we encounter (Unstable OS's or shotty software). I say why WHY
WHY!!!... -alexcorvice
sorry guy but... SELLOUT!!!!!!!!! tech support of any kind is one thing but M$ guy that company is the cause of so many problems we encounter (Unstable OS's or shotty software). I say why WHY
WHY!!!... -alexcorvice
whoops double post -alexcorvice
Interviewed with an M$ recruiter once. They told me to come back when I had "hot" skills--mind you, this was for a tech support position, and they were *asking* no more than my current skill-set. Good luck. -snowcrash
Fark the nay-sayers M.J., Good Luck Man! I hope u get it, bout time things took an upturn for you. -Digital Dogcow
Wait a minute.... without M$, many of us would not have a job! -LaserGuru
Welcome to the dark side MadJack. Difficult to avoid, it is. -scooby111
To me, 'ain't nuttin but a thang.' Work's work, I'll take anything that makes me an offer. (Did I REALLY say that?) -MadJack
In that case, MJ, I might just have a "job" for you......*grins evilly* -karlata
Karlata, don't get me started again! Oops, too late! LOL! -MadJack
That would be like teaming up with agent Smith. -Ne0
Good luck MJ, a job is a job and in this day and age its getting harder for techies to get tech work. From what I've been reading tech jobs are getting less and less in the US due to outsourcing overseas. Grasp the opportunity with both hands and go for it. Better the devil you know... -K1W1
True, and think about this: all job BS aside working for them or anyone else; someone tell me you wouldn't enjoy the look on some HR geek's face when you're interviewing for a post-M$ job and they see "MICROSOFT" as Experience listing #1
on your resume. -MadJack
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181.
More starfish, more stupidity...
Okay, this is off-topic, but...check this, folks. http://www.msnbc.com/news/912868.asp Too lazy to exercise, blame the
foodmaker for getting fat. That's it, personal responsibility and self control are officially dead.
[By: MadJack]
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Personal responsibility died a long time ago. Check out: http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/legal/story.jsp?story=403287 and http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,5537514%255E401,00.html and http://www.favreau.info/webdesign/tigerinvestor/articles/SP_7_17_00.html -scooby111
I haven't forgotten those. This just pushes the death into an official classification. -MadJack
The story isnt about fat... It is about trans-fat, which is hidden in alot of our foods nowadays. I dont know where he picked out Oreos as a scapegoat. -Brf
Why not ban eating alltogether. It is not good for you. Ban the frenchfries and steak and ice cream and cheese and all fried foods and all hig fat high calorie foods *takes a breath* </rant> Thanks i needed that.. -rockytech
Because he eats them. It might as well be a name out of a hat for these blood-sucking, money grubbing, greedy, parasitic, ambulance chasing, morons. -scooby111
Only in America...... -CommanderData
This obcession with sueing the food industry is really begining to piss me off. I, by no right, am a small person, infact, I'm dangerously overwheight. But, AT LEAST I know it's due to my eating habbits and lazyness NOT the fault of the people who make the food. It's called freedom of CHOICE, you CHOOSE to eat the food, no one FORCES you to eat it (accept for crazy people like in Se7en), therefore, you have no one to blame accept yourself. I really want to know how its possible for judges to give cases like this the time of day. -QuaziTech
This obcession with sueing the food industry is really begining to piss me off. I, by no right, am a small person, infact, I'm dangerously overwheight. But, AT LEAST I know it's due to my eating habbits and lazyness NOT the fault of the people who make the food. It's called freedom of CHOICE, you CHOOSE to eat the food, no one FORCES you to eat it (accept for crazy people like in Se7en), therefore, you have no one to blame accept yourself. I really want to know how its possible for judges to give cases like this the time of day. -QuaziTech
AH! My first double post! -QuaziTech
ARRRGHH why is it that every dumb *ss legal precedent that has come to grace this nation has been introduced in the state of california......are the law makers bored......or are they running out of serious crimes to prosecute.....maybe i should go home and seen thuggs there to occupy their time -tuswole1
Okay, hold the farkin phone a second, who held the gun to this fatarsed bastards head & forced him to shovel these things down his neck ??? <rolls eyes>. Man! & to think I thought the guy suing The McEvil Empire because their coffee was too hot was absurd. -Digital Dogcow
Given that the lawsuits against fast food chains are being thrown out, I dont think this one has a chance. -Snakeeye
screw waiting for an earth quake to shake that frickin state off the continent, i wanna take a saw to the san-andreas now to just stop the bleeding -tuswole1
hell... these people are probably just trying to find a way to make some quick cash......... assholes... >_< -Wiser
<Eagles> You don't wanna work, you wanna live like a king, but the big bad world doesn't owe you a thing...get over it! </Eagles> -CommanderData
My father keeps saying he's waiting for the law suit in which a bum off the street sues someone for giving him money for "contributing to his alcoholism or drug addiction" -mythica
<Ok Go> Had it up to the gills... makes you cry while the milk still spills. Ain't it just a bitch? What a pain...
Well it's all a crying shame. What
left to do but complain? Better find someone to blame.... Hey! Get Over It! </Ok Go> -WildKard
Saw this earlier today; just knew someone would post it, so I didn't. I think I just may have to pick up some Oreos tonight. Maybe the new "Uh-ohs." -kman52000
Saw this earlier today; just knew someone would post it, so I didn't. I think I just may have to pick up some Oreos tonight. Maybe the new "Uh-ohs." -kman52000
The scary thing, Wildkard, is that I didn't even know who OK-Go was until we were slated to open for them. Now I hear there song all the damn time. BTW, if anybody is in the Chicago area on May 30, come out and see Exaggeration (my band), Ok-Go, Naughty-By-Nature and Tone Loc at the DePaul Fest, at the DePaul University Quad. Anyway, on topic, I long for the days when people were personally responsible for what they did. You got sick from eating paint? Well don't do that, dumbass, it ain't for eatin'. Damn starfish. -drblunt
Only if this clown wins the lawsuit. WHatta jerkoff. "I ate something you made and it made me fat. Or might!" Fuck him. This is the worst kind of luser/common American: nothing I do is my fault, it's all yours, and you're going to PAY! On a lighter note, did anyone else get a chuckle out of the fact that the Kraft spokesman's name was "Mudd"? Ahh, I can hear the Primus now... -PaseoGuy
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182.
OOPS!
Cranky's comments on the haloned mf reminded me of a similar story, back in my navy days. It was a MAJOR oops, and a little funny, but more sad than anything else. No names will be mentioned, to protect the.......All of this is unclassified.
The time: late 1988, right at the end of the Iran/Iraq war and Operation Earnest Will, our reflagged tanker escort op. The place: the Persian Gulf.(duh!) The ship: an unidentified guided missile destroyer, on an independent patrol deployment (meaning not attached to a carrier group). Me, a 21 year old deck ape on his first deployment, standing lookout/gunnery watches/chipping&scraping/painting/etc.
The ship was engaged in a battle scenario with a Saudi F15 squadron (in essence, playing hide and seek, but both sides are it). We are, of course, at General Quarters drills. My station: a 25mm cannon mounted starboard side just aft of the amidships quarterdeck. (Now, the exact details were related to me by a buddy on the engineering repair locker team, but I have no reason to doubt the actual incident was as it was relayed, but of course....)What I knew at first when it happened was simply, the ship went dead in the water. We were shortly overflown by two of the F15s. What happened was this:
[By: MadJack]
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183.
OOPS! Pt 2
What happened was this: down below, on the DC deck (otherwise known as level 1/the main deck/etc), there were of course fire training scenarios being run in all three repair lockers (forward, aft, and enginering). At the engineering repair locker, a simulated fire was being 'fought'. These were the days when halon was new in the navy, this particular ship had had halon systems installed during a 3 month yard upgrade early that same year. To give a vague picture of what happened: on portside of deck 1, amidships, is the galley/messdeck. In the passageway are hatchways down to the main engine room and to the engineering Central Control Station/Damage Control Central (CCS/DCC). The passageway has the open galley windows for serving on the starboard side of
the passageway, and on the portside bulkhead across from the serving windows are the engineering room halon controls. The guy who's job it was to simulate 'flooding with halon' was NOT one of the snipes (an engineering rating) but another guy from deck division (my divison) who was even more junior than me, and reputed to partake of grass every now and again, but somehow had never been caught smoking it and had somehow passed the pre-d urinalysis. You know what's coming....
[By: MadJack]
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184.
OOPS! Pt 3
I kid you not, it amazed me the guy'd never been caught. One day early that summer, before we deployed, he, I, the next guy junior to me and senior to him, and one of our better leading POs had duty on a Saturday. We're up on the foc'sle (forcastle/bow) doing 'make work' (at least the three of us, I remember how much it pissed me off that he was slacking, but what could we do?) and he was goofing around, wearing his walkman on duty (absolutely forbidden) near staggering around, obviously stoned, listening to Aerosmith and froggily singing parts of 'St. John'. He actually sat down at the base of the forward 5" 54 gun just sat there singing while we worked. Anyhoo, here it comes. This guy's standing by the halon controls. "Simulate flooding halon!" He didn't hear SIMULATE! Before anyone could stop him, he broke the sealing wire, lifted the cover and pressed the button.
[By: MadJack]
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185.
OOPS! (end)
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Halon goes off in the engine room, AND IN CCS! (There had been a flap in the yard about putting halon outlets in CCS, but it was supposedly a yard screw up and they had word from the yard manager that they hadn't been wired. Oh, yes they were! Enlisted and officer alike were grabbing issue gas masks, OBAs (Oxygen Breathing Apparatus for firefighters) or EEBDs (Emergency Escape Breathing Devices) and running out of CCS and Main Engineering like the devil was on their tails. Of course, fate would have it that on of the outlets was hidden behind the engineering mainframe (the better to put out an electrical fire). The ship's engineering mainframe is fried, and the ship looses all power and drive systems. Dead in the water, dark as night inside the skin of the ship. Electronic countermeasures are dead, and we're visible to the F15s. Casualty of the wargame less than a minute later. MAN, to say the skipper was pissed was the understatement of the year. Skyrockets everywhere, so to speak. Major embarrassment for him, it's a wonder he wasn't relieved of command. We had to be towed out the Strait of Hormuz to a repair tender
in the Gulf of Oman. The Chief Engineer was fired (relieved of his post, kicked off the ship and sent stateside as soon as we were tied up alongside the tender.) The skipper had the pothead tested for drugs by the tender's medical personnel; he got busted positive. The Captain held a drumhead 'mast' (non-judicial punishment) and kicked him off the ship as well, discharged from the service with an Other Than Honorable discharge (the lowest you can get w/o going to court-martial). It's a wonder he WASN'T. A number of careers got destroyed that day. All because of a halon fried computer.
[By: MadJack]
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DOD TS: "Department of Defense Tech Support, how may I spend your tax dollars?" Cheng: "Um, yeah, we uh... sorta had a little accident, and I was just wondering if my warranty covers halon getting inside the computers..." -RiffRaff
Why didn't anyone try for a "Bad Grass" defense? -deltree/y
Dead in the water in the middle of the Straits of Hormuz during the Iran / Iraq war!, yeah thats where u wanna be!. NOT. Hear an outboard motor & start shitting yourself!. No wonder the Captain was pissed!. -Digital Dogcow
I think MJ was referring to the Liberation of Kuwait (Desert Storm / Gulf War I). Per previous posts, he was a squid stationed in the Gulf at the time. Liberation of Kuwait has always been my preferred tem for the war, because (a) I knew there was going to be a second war, (b) the Gulf is a body of water- most of both wars have been on land, (c) that's the designations on the issued battle streamers. -LaserGuru
OK, finally read the rest of the posts. I stand corrected MJ. -LaserGuru
Man, that is messed up...all b/c of a stoner...wow. -hkypipe
I though that halon was chosen to put out fires, and not damage equipment (People don't count as equipment) -Wonko The Sane
Kinda puts all those 'database down' emergencies into perspective though! -CommanderData
Just to clarify a couple of points: this story takes place on my first tour of duty, on my first ship. Desert Storm/Tarawa/Al Jubayl was the second ship/tour. Technically speaking, halon is supposed toput out fires. It does it by depriving the entire area of oxygen. What happens to ANY cpu unit in that situation.. -MadJack
You've GOTTA be a fellow GW vet, LG. Correct me if I'm wrong. -MadJack
MJ- Yep. I was a commo chief on the ground with 1st Cav in a mech infantry unit. -LaserGuru
Ha! I knew it.
Seriously though, Laser, here's hoping you're doing
better than a lot of the rest of the guys and gals
out there. You guys were pretty well in the thich
of things in 91, as I recall.
Here's hoping they find Saddam and
put a bullet in his brain.
Cheers, guy.
-MadJack
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186.
Un-fucking-believable..
Sorry, gang, this is off topic; but it just came on the news moments ago and it IS UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. That's the only word to use. In Austin this morning, every state senator of the Democratic Party staged a walkout to protest on-going re-districting throughout the state. They sent letters to the senate leader, asking to lock their voting machines until the protest is over and they return, so they can at least delay the vote. The senate leader, a Republican, has refuted their actions, called them chickens, and their actions cowardly.
Governor Perry has ordered TX DPS and the Texas Rangers (meaning all affiliated state police, not our baseball club!) to arrest every wayward lawmaker and bring them back, using force if necessary. The capitol has been locked down, with all Republican senators locked in the Senate chamber. W....T....F!!!!!
[By: MadJack]
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Forgive my Canadian ignorance, but what is re-districting? -LaunchpadMcKwak
They're re-zoning (read re-shaping) every electoral district in the state.
The Republicans, prominent as they are down here, are getting more terriroty which=more votes=more power. -MadJack
Look up "Gerrymandering" on a search engine and you'll get the low-down on re-districting and why it's so controversial. -RiffRaff
I remember "Gerrymandering" from ealry US History. But, this is ridiculous. Calling them cowards and chickens? Arresting them and bringing them back to the capitol by force???? W T F! That's just fucked up. -MadJack
Wow. That's madness. Arresting a polititian. Too bad we don't get more of that. -MacDaddy
Is is cowardly and chicken-like. They are protesting because a couple of Democrat voters may be moved into a largely Republican district and a couple of Republican voters amy be moved into a largely democratic district. What ever happened to representing your voters?? They want the voters in their district to agree with them so that they won't have to change. They are being arrested because the tax payers are PAYING fot them to work and they are obligated to do that work. Of coure, I always said that no congress=more freedom. Stay away, the longer they are out, the longer it is before more laws are passed. When you pay someone to make laws all you get is more laws... -scooby111
I'm with Scooby. I don't like the Republicans any more than the next guy, but I would swallow a shit-filled haggis before I'd vote Democrat. -CaffeineHead
Gotta love when the police forces are basically turned into truant officers to round up 50 year old whiners cutting class. Though its not a bad idea. Attendance in the Canadian Senate certantly would rise if the RCMP forced their attendance. -Snakeeye
The party in power always uses redistricting (for those of you not in the US--every 10 years we count everyone. The number of representatives is adjusted based on this and so the districts have to be redrawn.) to improve their situation as much as they can get away with. The Democrats realized that if they all walked out there wouldn't be a quorum and the legislature couldn't do anything. This is basically a filibuster, except by walking instead of talking. -Loren
Nothing new here, boys and girls. Check out some of Lincoln's actions towards Congress and the Maryland Senate drung the War of Northern Agression. -LaserGuru
I agree whole heartedly - for those of you that care: State redistricting was done TWO YEARS ago by the Republican party in our state. Everyone was fine with it as it was until Tom DeLay (a United States Congressman from Sugar Land) decided HE wasn't fine with it. So, he asked an already OVERWORKED and CONTEMPLATIVE legislature to consider redistricting - a move that in itself has been ruled unconstitutional, as it is done every ten years and has already been done. However, being that the Texas legislature is ruled by Republicans, they are considering it highly - so instead of taking care of insurance or the budget deficit, we have to look at a highly illegal and unethical redistricting plan that has not even been publicized. -mythica
Dumb User Tech stories & Dumb Government Political stories on the same website? I don't think Hawk's sever storage can handle all that ;) -WildKard
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187.
Will there be some star, I wonder...
Following the example of others before me, I today ask for your good wishes and praryers, for I haveth an INTERVIEW tomorrow with a local software developer who needs an experienced technician. How I got so lucky to get the interview, in a city of tens of thousands of unemployed techs, I don't know. (Maybe it was the half dozen follow up letters I sent, one every other day.) Anyhoo, all good wishes andgood karma is welcome so I can walk out of the interview with the job. Yea, for if I do, will there be a star by my name? After my first paycheck, you betcha! Wish me luck.
[By: MadJack]
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Good luck, MadJack! -snowcrash
Best Wishes. May the Great Bird of the Galaxy bless you and grant you prosperity. -RiffRaff
Best of luck to you MadJack! -Hawk
Best of luck to you. -ltu1542hvy
I'm keeps stuff crossed for you! Go Get 'em!!! -obie099
Good luck, MadJack! -sassicatz
Knock 'em dead, MadJack! -Bioguy
Well MJ, as others wished me well, I must return the favor. Good luck and God Bless! -kman52000
Go get 'em!! -n8
<Switches to bat form and crosses wings> GOOD LUCK!! -TechnoVampire
May the Divine guide your path... -hkypipe
Good luck!! You are sure to get it. -ab1normalh
The Commander Of Data send her best luck to you, not that I think you will need it, but it's always good to have! -CommanderData
Wow! Lookit all the stars! -notpitr
<Dave>"My God! It's full of stars!</Dave> -RiffRaff
Keep a stiff upper lip and a smile on your face. -tlpervert
CD has already wished you the best British luck; I'll add all the Canadian luck I can scrape up around here, eh? -chazz
Good luck!! -DragonXIII
Don't take any of those fresh breath strips before going in. -DragonXIII
Good luck and we hope to soon be able to say "welcome new Star Member" -K1W1
Good luck - I hope that your persistence in those follow-ups pays off. Keep us posted on how it goes. -deltree/y
LUCK!! -PaseoGuy
RR, awesome movie! <Dave> Open the pod bay doors, HAL!</Dave> -PaseoGuy
Sacrifice some eel livers first, but keep the blood on the suit - interviewers like to be scared. Seriously, good luck, may Yama smite your competitors, or somesuch... -namor
Just want to add my star and say good luck mate. -Chewdini
Well, it's Tuesday afternoon, and let me say "Thank you" for all your good wishes. The interview went quite well; but it wasn't/it's not the kind of phone room where you walk in, wow them, and you get the offer right then. Got the usual promises that they'll be calling for a second interview after they run background checks and kick everything over to corporate. (Apparently they're not just local, so much the better.) Cross your fingers, here we go with the waiting game again. In the meaintime.... -MadJack
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189.
LART on Accounting!
Okay, I can finally post this, noe that I'm home with a Wild Turkey and cola. I can comment from behind Uncle's firewall, but I can't do anything else.
So, one of our ID10Ts on the inside gave me a serious 'disbelief headache'. The story: Gomer buys a Dell. Dell ships, his order's screwed up. He ordered a cd-rw, got a DVD-Rom. $45 price difference to the good for Gomer. Dell sends US, not him, the refund, cuz he got it through us. We have to give him the refund. He bought the thing on 1/4, Dell shipped it 1/16, Gomer got it on 1/22. Calls Dell the next day, they send us the $45 around 2/3. Since 2/6, he's been calling about his $45. Meanwhile, the problem, our accounting dept policy is 'no refunds until the computer shows the order all items shipped. Until they do, items from a direct mfr like Dell show "Direct" on the m/f and the w/s. Needless to say, direct vendors RARELY send us a shipping confirm until well fater the item's gone, often after the order's been received by the gomer. As of this date, Gomer's order still shows DIRECT. Last file note re this issue, and I quote: "WE MUST WAIT UNTIL WE RECEIVE SHIPPING CONFIRMATION BEFORE ISSUEING REFUND." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! FTLOM! WTMF'G F! HELLO! THE DAMN THING SHIPPED BACK IN JANUARY! IF WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN A S/C YET, WE'RE NOT GOING TO WITHOUT ASKING DELL FOR IT! JUST PICK UP THE PHONE, CALL THE DELL REP, AND TELL THEM TO SEND THE F***KING CONFIRMATION!!!!! SHEEEESH! IT'S AS PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON YOUR FREAKING FARKING FACE, YOU FOOL! I'd love to bitchslap that stupid f8cking fool. STUPID, STUIPD, S-TU-PID!!!!!! Sorry, HAD ot get that off my chest.
[By: MadJack]
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You feel better now? -ltu1542hvy
Yes, until tomorrow morning. -MadJack
RIIIIIIINNNNNG! "Wake-up call for MJ - It's morning. Have a beautiful day in the neighborhood." <click> -deltree/y
It's now Monday night, and it's not been a good day; it's MONDAY!!!!! Dell problems all day, and all I can think about are the mega-knots in my knees and wonder when Saddam's gonna drop a first strike of chemweps on our people.
CBS news talked about HMLA-169 tonight, my 'would-have-been' brother in law was in that squadron, God rest his soul. Go with God, Vipers. -MadJack
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190.
Teching w/o tht itle
Sometimes I'm still amazed gomers know anything. (Not that they do.) Today, 10000 all wanting their login profiles reset because they can't remember what they chose for their un and pw. (As if they can remember, half of our customers are senile old goats whose claim to respect was they had the guts ot fight in WW2 or Korea,and they're too d((n old to use a computer, they never even used one until they were in they're 70s. Two humdingers today. One guy calls up, like he knows what he's talking about, wondering why we advertise a pair of Bose speakers as series 2 when there was no series 1. Like we had anything to do with namaing the dumb things. Then, "what's this little NEW! icon doing here? You've been selling this for a year!" Like I know or really care. Hey, smartass, did you hear me say 'web-development' anywhere in my intro? Get a fkg clue." Then, there's this poor unwitting soul who knows nothing about compueters, bought a Dell Dim2350 and an HP PSC2250 through our website. Couldn't figure out how to connect the printer, setting up a MFD was just TOO complicated. "I'm not technical! I wanna return this for a simple printer." "You're locla PX will be happy to assist you." And, too top if ott, the previous rep put in her file notes she was returning because the printer wasn't compatible with the Dell. Clueless. Where's Ivana the dumkopf who knows how much of a dumkopf she really is when you need her. And, I get to do it all again tomorrow. Anybody know of a VA with a spare room?
[By: MadJack]
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http://groups.yahoo.com/group/techsmoralandmentalsupport/files/Jack%27s%20wavs/takmeawy%5B1%5D.wav -MadJack
Am I to understand that these are the same people who are responsible for maintaining, guarding, and god help us, launching, our strategic nuclear weapons? Can't hook up a printer, but has an MOS that potentially brings them in contact with nuclear warheads? Am I the only one that finds this frightening? -RiffRaff
Nope, we've all died and gone to Hell already. See, the phones ringing again to remind me of that fact... -helldesk
Some, but not all, just a small percentage. Most are retirees. -MadJack
Senile old goats...HAAAHAAHAAA!!!! -hkypipe
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191.
Cloning is good...
I know the economy's bad; but it's still reidiculous how much people want to charge for a hard to find item, especially Microsoft. I'm getting ready to rebild my system, had nothing but problem after problem with my Win98 since I installed EL2003 when I worked for them in September. On top of that, my hard drive's been developing bad sectors (of course due most likely to hard reboots from freezing apps), and it's gotta be replaced as well. The drive's easy, but the OS not seo, cause my cloned disk from St.Ream is toast, can't read it for anything; and although, believe it or not, some places STILL offer Win98 (Computer Renaissance and CompUSA come tom mind), they want $200 for it. I mean, I know OSes aren't cheap, although I recall 98 going for lass than half that when it was on the sehlf. But $200? OFCOL. THAT, boys and girls, is why people like cloned, unlisecnesed copies. Now, if my borther in law can find a copy one of these days...Anybody got one you cand send me? Lol. One more raeson to hate Micro$oft.
[By: MadJack]
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I have a "backup" of nearly every os mikero$oft ever made. I can hook you up if needed :) -paul
I have a 98 SE cd key memorized:
B3WPR-PFRHB-PQ7M8-VK3RX-JQ7K6 -bentm99
I can burn a copy of Win98SE for you with the proper key to allow you to install itl Just e-mail me dudley671@comcast.net and I will hook you up. -JustAGirl
Oh Lordy BentM - I thought I was the only one who did such geeky things! -lineswine
I got a good copy that has both the vers of 98 on it plus i got a 9meg feed here at work that you could surely download the ISO that i will make for you if you need it -snaggle
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192.
Dumkopf@.....
I hate Mondays. My weekends are broken into days off halway through the week, Thursdays and Sundays. I never feel like I get enough time off anymore (this from the guy who was out of work almost four months.) Mondays are the days from hell, everyone who's been waiting all wekend is calling up "Did you hear from the vendor/carrier/warehouse yet?" No, everybody just opened for business at 9, of course not!" The following made me take a smoke break to sound like the insane hyena. Another "Ivana" calls up. Can't log on to our website. She's been using her e-mail addy as her u/n, and when the system told her her username was invalid, for God only knows what reason, she's neeping and nopping "Wll, my e-mail addy works, why can't I log in to your site under my e-mail addy?" Well, are we your ISP? NO! We're a catalog call center, like Sears or Penneys. Anyhoo. "What's your e-mail addy?" "Dumkopf@xxxx.com" Dumkopf indeed. Ivana the dumkopf who knows she's enough of a dumkopf to use dumkopf as her u/n! (not to mention we don't really like our gomers using their e-mail addys as their u/n.) OH, THE IRONY! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/techsmoralandmentalsupport/files/Jack%27s%20wavs/Daffylaff.wav
I prayed for snow and sleet all day, they've been promising us some all weekend. We got it in spades at the end of the day. (Hate being out in it, tho, left work at 4:15, didn't get home until 8:30. ARRRGH.) But, if they don't close the office tomorrow, they're NUTS! SNOW DAY! Praise God and DON'T pass the salt, whadaya wanna melt the ice for?
[By: MadJack]
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193.
Taking it for granted....
Some people never get a clue. Had this lady call up today, bought a bed from us back in early January. She got the head and foot boards, and a frame came with it. (Most will sell you the frame separately, but it's only $35. Bedsets consisting of h/f brds run $300-$500. She bought a really nice metal h/f set, and after a month, she's wondering where the MATTRESS AND BOX SPRING are! Every place on the face of the earth sells mattresses separately, most anyone would realize that there's no such thing as a cheap 'stock' mattress set sold by bedset mfrs, everyone takes their choice because one mattress set isn't satisfactory for another. Every PX in the nation has signs showing 'MATTRESS SETS SOLD SEPARATELY" in the furniture depts, and she thought we sold them together, simply because we don't have 'MATTRESS SETS SOLD SEPARATELY' on each and every bedset item page. Admittedly, the set was one of the more expensive we offer, but a $435 king size bed set, frame included, and she's expecting that we'll through in the m/b. Hell, a king size mattress only goes for the SAME PRICE! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/techsmoralandmentalsupport/files/Jack%27s%20wavs/32dohs%5B1%5D.wav
[By: MadJack]
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BWAAAHAAHAAAA! You've got yourself a confirmed "Captain Oblivious" sighting there, Jack...and the fact it took so long for the question about the mattress to come up is GREAT! -hkypipe
Amen, hky. Where's Obviousman when you need him? -MadJack
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194.
Uber cust-gomer ping-poing pt 1
I thought that, in this joint, I'd never se it. Boy, was I wrong. Almost three months, I'd thought I'd escaped SOMETHING of the hell that was Dell at St.Ream. Today, an attache for our embassy in Budapest (Hungary) called up, looking for a remote control for a satellite decoder for the AFRTS. (Armed Forces Radio & Television System.) Now, actually, the poor guy didn't get caught up in phone ping-pong, but store/call center ping poing. Because the decoder is proprietary to the AFRTS, it's not a stock item in the AAFES catalog. It has to be documented that you need it, primarily if you're stationed overseas as part of a military unit or embassy or consulate. The closest PX is in Weisbaden, Germany, several hundred miles away in another country. The store reps told him, 'we doono about that, call the catalog.' Very few in the catalog know about the thing, it's a VERY rara inquiry. I've gotten a couple before, but all I can remember is that THE STORE HAS TO RUN THE PAPERWORK AND GET IT FOR THE CUSTOMER. And of course, the guy doesn't need the entire decoder, he just needs a remote so he doesn't get billed for it when he rotates stateside.
[By: MadJack]
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195.
Uber cust-gomer ping poing Pt 2
After trying through several other reps and supervisors through the chain to find who knows something about the d**n thing besides me, one of the CR sups knows what I'm talking about, and knows where to find the info, but it looks like it's been taken off the website. AARGH. Call the inet team to ask about if the link's been removed or erased, the 'tech' on the other end doesn't even know what I'm talking about. "Tell them to call the store back." If I DO, without any info to back it up, the store'll kick him back to us. Not goona start iwth THAT again. Dumbass doesn't listen. "Tell him to call the store." After three attempts to nicely ask her to please find out if the link's been taken off, so we can give SOMETHING to the ppor cust-gomer and prevent more escalating from overseas, she gets huffyy. Seh's not listeing, but I'm the one who's wrong. Finally, the sup who knew what she was doing got the info we needed for the gomer to take ot the store, and e-mailed it off. And to top it off, my team sup gets on my case for not following procedures for sending gomers to inet, when the guy was waiting halfway across the world waiting for an e-mail. All to prevent a game of uber ping-poing between his phone at the embassy and the PX in Germany. Why do I do this tom yself. Sometimes, I think I'm the only one there who gives a damn about some of the gomers. But, most of my cohorts didn't wear the uniform, either.
[By: MadJack]
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Well, I don't know about them, and I've never served, but thanks for saving us taxpayers a lot of long distance fare. ;) -GargoyleTS
Gargoyle: Not a big deal, but I mean the people I work with now, not us at TSC. There are quite a few vets here. -MadJack
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196.
Green with envy...
I sometimes wonder how guys and gals in the military can afford some of the things they buy, especially with the way Uncle pays them. When I was on active duty, it took me four years of climbing through the ranks and three of those years of sea duty to make over $20k a year, the most I ever earned in one pay period was $800 in a half-month, and that was durying Desert Storm, those in a combat zone are tax-exempt from the day they enter until the day they leave. I make no more than that now, but that's entry level wages. I spent 30 minutes helping a sergeant buy his girlfriend almost $1000 in jewelry, matched sets all. Colonels and generals drop betwen 1.5 and 2k on a ring alone. He must have really screwed up to buy her that much at once. Must Be Nice!(to have that kind of money to blow on jewels.)
[By: MadJack]
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Oh, I forgot to mention, Uncle doesn't pay us commission, either. (But, you expect that from him.) Ive sold $1000 rings, $4000 plasma screen TVs, $6500 in gift certificates, and not one penny of comish. -MadJack
You made over $20K in the service in 4 years? That's pretty good! What are you doing still working on base? -fxdwg6922
Easiest way to save money in the military- live on base. Eat at the chow hall. Don't have a car. Don't buy lots of computer stuff. Don't go to strip clubs. -SparcMan
Jeeeezuz M.J. <rolls eyes> did u learn NOTHIING from Sgt. Bilko ??? ;0) -Digital Dogcow
Yeah, I did, FXD. Took me almost four years to make that much in one year, to get to E4 and catch sea pay at the 3+ years level to do it. Of course, that was 13 years ago, when $20 was SOMETHING as compared with now. $20k py/$10 ph is bottom rung now. And here I am, back full circle from where I started, except this time I'm not wearing a uniform (well, maybe I am. Uncle insists on slaks and button down shirts during 'office hours'. Can't wait till this weekend, I can wear what I want both Saturday and Monday. -MadJack
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197.
Again....
It's going to be another dead calling day for the biz.
For those of you who haven't already heard, the Columbia has burned up during re-entry. Shades of Challenger and September 11th. May the Lord take those brave men and women unto himself.
[By: MadJack]
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May Raven bring their souls safely to the Land of the Dead, and may their Ancestors welcome them with open arms. -Dragones
Amen MadJack -paul
Ditto... -hkypipe
These are the kind of days that make me angry. A lot of good people died today, but customers think their problems are so important. -kilo
Of course they do. That's what makes them lusers. They don't ever stop in a moment like this to think about how precious life is and maybe, just maybe, we should go enjoy a few hours of playing with the kids or enjoying a walk in the park. Nope, it's my damn printer won't work! And this is on a Saturday! -CaffeineHead
Yup. Here I am working, and they're calling in non-stop like they've got to grasp something miniscule to get their heads around today. Last one called for the credit dept, and made excuses about hating technology for why he dialed 0 instead of listening to the prompts. FOCUS! -MadJack
Amen, and I'm the most religionless person ever. It kills me how people can die everyday, and other people still want help with their petty problems. If we truely all did care, america and the world would be a much better place. -Vertigo
For the record its business as usual , sad thing is not on caller has even mentioned it . . .
And for those who lost their lives
May yoy be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your dead -Termin
I interrupted my Diablo gaming session to go and watch BBC news 24 when I heard about it. Was choked up for much of the time and I have a shed load of candles going at the moment for the crew and their families. May they find out what caused this horrific accident and stop it ever happening again. -CommanderData
I REALLY, REALLY don't want to sound like an insensitive prick, but whats so special about today that we should be extra annoyed with EU's for calling us? yes, there was a terrible accident, yes several people (and some lab rats) lost their lives. How is this different from yesterday? or last week? or last summer when my aunt, uncle and all three of their children were killed in a car accident? I still went to work, the world kept turning. It just strikes me as odd that hundreds of people starve to death around the world everyday, and nobody gives a rats ass about it, but when its an American and CNN broadcasts it, suddenly its a huge tragedy and most people (who've never been inside a church in their lives) suddenly get religious?? Not directed at anyone on this site but I'm kinda having an extremely shitty day and don't need more crap piled on, especially when it really doesn't affect me. Sorry if I hurt anyones feelers, but I needed to get that off my chest. -SpinyFrog
I'm mostly upset because of the possible effects on future space missions, etc. I want to see a viable long-term and sustainable colony in my lifetime, damnit. -namor
Namor: I totally agree, but its not gonna happen until NASA upgrades their technology and equipment. I mean come on, they're only 20 years out of date... -SpinyFrog
Spiny, I'm not saying people should not call tech support. I just think they should keep their problems in perspective. You are right though, it should be like that every day. -kilo
I wouldn't call Columbia's destruction "shades of september 11th". The scale of destruction is nowhere near the same. In the end, Columbia's destruction is unfortunate and costs a lot of money; but in the end, it's a pretty minor disaster. Let's not make more of this just because it happens to be a spaceship. It's just another train or plane crash. Unfortunatly. -WildKard
I agree with Spiney to some extent, whats so different about toady?, far more ppl die & its a far greater tradegdy every time a DC10 or a 747 goes down. Today is a setback for NASA, & a personal tragedy for the families of the shuttle crew, but beyond that , c'mon!, why should the EUs be critiscised for phoning in today?, many might have had no idea this had even happened, I spent today out, & heard nothing about this until I watched the evening news tonight, not everyone spends all their free time glued to the TV or the web. -Digital Dogcow
That's not NASA's fault, Frog. Our fearless leaders in Congress keep them on a shoestring budget, and I don't foresee that changing anytime in the near future. I, too, would like to see space travel open up to common civilians in my lifetime, but unless Congress increases their funding, it just ain't gonna happen. BTW Frog, not to minimize your loss, over which you are obviously still hurting, but those seven people were pioneers taking more risks during their 2-week mission then most people take in their entire lifetime. Doesn't mean that they were more important, but they were symbols of what can be accomplished by mankind. That's why a lot of people are reacting the way they are. I can sympathize with your feelings, but you might cut everyone else some slack. Just a humble opinion. -RiffRaff
In truth, we know the world rolls on in cases like this, whether we like it or not. On 9/11, the world stopped. Everyone just stopped in dumbfoundment, like they did in January 86 when Challenger went down. However, while everyone has to have something to get their heads around it, I think they ought to stop and put things in perspective. There are much bigger things happening than just their little problems. The seven on Columbia just found that out. They're free, bound for a warrior's rest. The rest of us need to focus on what's real. -MadJack
While I am forced to agree with Spiny, Dogcow and Wildkard, the source of my anger stems from the EU's who every day of my life act as though the fact that they can't fax their office is a tragedy equivilant to or surpassing the shuttle, Sept 11, WWII, etc. I guess on a day like today I notice it more. I mean, just how important is it that you're able to scan your vacation pictures and alter their size, colour, etc.? Why do these people immediately call tech support for whiny little issues when they could be enjoying their Saturday? Y'know, like I wish I could! -CaffeineHead
May the Great Spirit guide them. -tlpervert
RiffRaff: ah! there's the diff. they're not MY fearless leaders in congress. (I'm Canadian) and Caffinehead: I totally agree, EU's who think not being able to log onto AOL is a bigger tragedy that the Challenger crash need to be drawn and quartered. End of Story. -SpinyFrog
My prayers (which I do not do very often) go the pilots' families. Their loss is very saddening, but I am worried how our fearless leader GW Bush is going twist this into a political campaign to get the war on Iraq started. -ab1normalh
What pisses me off is that there are already 2 entries on E-Bay supposedly auctioning off shuttle debris. Lusers who are either ignorant or apathetic about what happened is one thing; f@ckheads that try to cash in on it is an entirely different matter completely. I hope the FBI tracks them down and drops them out of an airplane from 5 miles up. -RiffRaff
I dunno. Most of you are probably going to hate me for saying this; but I find something quite pathetic about my 'distaster news' being posted as a TSC story (as well as mentionned on gamesites, IT mailing lists and forums where it doesn't belong). These things tend to get blown out of proportion quite quickly. -WildKard
RiffRaff: Something else we can blame on lusers (for buying) -WildKard
Maybe so, Wild, maybe so. Remember this: What happens to one of us, happens to all of us. A lot of us here work on computers because, to us, they're keys to the future. One more step toward the dream of a better tomorrow. We're dreamers, and how many of us haven't been inspired by sci-fi because it has so many variants of what tomorrow can be like. A piece of that dream died today. We now have to work that much harder to keep the dream alive when budget cutters and nay sayers and reactionaries would as soon drag us kicking and screaming back into yesterday. Never forget. -MadJack
The point here is that besides the death of 7 heroes (those who take extreme risk for the benefit of others than themselves), Mankind's jouney into space travel has taken a tremendous blow. Certainly there are other ways into space and the space programs of some other countries have the ability to put people into space, but I beleive that the even after this, the shuttle is to date the safest and most economical way to get humans off the planet. -SparcMan
It's good to see concern on this website about current events - I only hope that the country can get over the tragedy - "get back on the horse" so to speak - and get back to exploring space. -Diskrider
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198.
They don't pay us enough for this.....
Okay, you all know I'm an inbound cs/sales geek, I just got lucky enough to not have goals or call times. Uncle doesn't care about that. That's one good thing about this job, we help people who're already doing a dirty job. I'm doing my part. I loved the tech part of tech support, but tech support is not part of my job description now and I still can't get away from the bs. Example: today, this cust-gomer calls up "I'm trying to log in to your website, and as soon as I enter the first character of my username, it fills in automatically. I don't want it to do that. Make it stop." Sheesh. Dumb, dumb, dumb. How'd she manage to marry someone wearing our country's uniform. In the simplest terms possible, "Ma'am, it's your computer doing that, not our website." Took all of ten mintues to convince her. If I'm going to do tech support for our website, I better get the title and pay to go with it. Otherwise, place an order, ask about one you made, or get off my phone and don't waste my time. We all know it, once you're in, you NEVER get out again.
[By: MadJack]
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'k ma'am I need u to go into your IE prefs & disable the forms autocomplete, then I need you to go into your bedroom, look into your dressingroom mirror & slap yourself silly for an hour. <click>. -Digital Dogcow
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199.
Let go, Mike....
Hey everyone! He's baaack! Just wanted to say hi now that life's returning to something resembling normal. I'm still in the phone game, although I'm not a tech (right now, anyway). I'm working for Uncle Sam's military dept store system (those who've been in uniform know what I'm talking about.) About the same, just people complaining when the shipper sends the order to the wrong place. One thing I'm already hating: The four letter OEM I used to outsource for is a major client, and people buy them constantly through our website. As soon as a few people heard I was ex-St.Ream, EVERYBODY was referring Dell issues to me! And then, something I still shake my head at, customers are telling me Dell techs are sending them to us for PID issues with Office. Right, like we have it. Let go of me already, Mike. I finally got out, and I got sucked back in to the vacuum of Dell in less than two days. Oh, and you'll love this. A typo gave me a new term for idiot customers: CUSTGOMERS!
Aaah, it's good to be back.
[By: MadJack]
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Welcome back MadJack! Good to hear you're doing well :) -paul
Alright MadJack! Good to see ya, man! -hkypipe
Welcome back Mad....all we need is coyote and the family reunion is a go -nomoretears
Welcome back. Hope you post more often. I like to hear about lusers in all fields, not just tech. -paranoia
Oh Fark! HE's back, (heh heh), Welcome home M.J. oh & BTW u reckon that women's let go of the Ctrl / Alt / Del keys yet ???. -Digital Dogcow
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200.
Rumors of Steve's demise......
I could have sworn someone here posted on that nitwait Steve's losing his job. Couldn't find it, though, so I'll just post here. Like they say, don't believe everything you hear. According to local TV news, the pitchman we all love to hate may be keeping his job. (Wish the rest of us could say the same.)Dude....2002-10-16
[By: MadJack]
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yup Jack, posted by yours truely, but I think Hawk killed it cos the incredably long URL pooched up the screen (either that or for legal reasons heh heh) -Digital Dogcow
Or, maybe, Hawk has a secret "thing" for little Stevie. Hawk, Got A Dell, Dude? -obie099
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201.
2003 demotivators...
Hey, gang, good news for those of you who don't already know. Despair.com has put out their 2003 demotivators calendar! Go check it out!2002-10-13
[By: MadJack]
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Thanks for that, browsing the posters has cheered up a lot of folks here Especially fun matching sayings to potential recipients. There's even a wry irony in how true some of them are, as we wait and wait for this re-org -K1W1
That site rocks! Who rights those captions is obviously down in the trenches with the rest of us... -obie099
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202.
Non-existent info....
Hey, gang; I need a little help with something. I can find almost absolutely NOTHING on this topic anywhere on the net, not on Dell, not on M$, not on Symantec. Let me explain: for the last week, when I attempt to install something on this 3 year old O-GX1 with Win98SE, I get an "invalid RPC stub" error. It started after I un/re installed NAV after a Live Update hung because of a modem hiccup. Norton reinstalled; but now Live Update says there's nothing to update. Bad reinstall, obviously. Since then, anything I attempt to install comes up with the RPC error. The only thing I found on the net re this issue was a link to a chatboard msg stating someone had a similar problem with ZoneAlarm, and the developer fixed it. I figured it was related to NAV; but Symantec's got nothing. I think it's the installer; but I don't really want to rip that unless I have to. I don't have the time to reinstall everything right now. Ideas? Suggestions? All welcome. Thanks!2002-10-12
[By: MadJack]
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Your main problem is you are using the Norton av. Get rid of it and switch to Mcafee. I see Norton cause a lot of problems with email. -atomicbill
mcaffee is the WinME of antivirus. I've had nothing but problems with that. I tell these problem people to get norton, and their problems go away. -paul
My father had a similar thing happen with Norton on his WinXP machine (except in his case it was his own fault). The only way we were able to get it fixed was to reformat and reinstall the OS. I suppose we could have tried to completely remove Norton from the registry, but since I have him store all his data on a separate hard drive, the reinstall was easier. -Hatedsl
Skip NAV and Mcaffee. Go to www.grisoft.com and get AVG..Blows both out of the water and it's free. -nascar
Ah yes, the Norton-McAffee wars! Who's better? Who has less problems? All depends on who you talk to. Me, I've declared neutrality in the War Itself, but I use McAffee only because I've been using it since the 80s. It's familiar and cozy, and they've never given ME a problem. I will not speculate on whether McAffee is better or worse than Norton. I'm an old tech and set in my ways, is all. -notpitr
Personally and professionally. When I first tried McAfee back in 96, I wasn't impressed. It's more streamlined than NAV; but it's a pain in the neck to deal with. NAVs more top heavy; but it WORKS. The freeware out there is so-so. (Not to mention, mine was free anyway. That's one of the few benefits of St.Ream, everybody swaps and clones sw, what your contractor doesn't give you themselves.) Personally, I have a slight grudge against NAI. I found a job opening perfect for me, technical support/cs through a local agency, and it was for the NAI offices here in Dallas. When they asked if I have family working there, OOPS! Seems NAI has an anti-nepotism policy. Perfectly fine and dandy; but I lost an opportunity because my son-of-a-beyotch brother-in-law works there! (Not to mention that HE didn't tell me that! Can I borrow your gun, Postal? LOL!) Still, AAAAARRRRRRGGGGG! Another opportunity yanked away at the last minute. Sonofa..... -MadJack
might try going to the symantec website and search for the rnav.exe file to remove NAV completely. when removing it without the file you leave a little of the program behind, which could be causing the problem. if rnav.exe doesn't solve it...i had a customer with similar issue...we ended up reformatting and reinstalling. -FreshMeat
Actually, I've found the answer and fixed it. When EL tossed me out for being a better cs/tech rep than a salesman, I uninstalled their pageware after the employee account was cancelled. At the same time, I started receivingIE caused IPF in RPCRT4.DLL errors when saving pages. The EL pageware corrupted that DLL. Searching on google finds a lot of issues re EL/Mindspring pageware, along with other ISP wares. You gotta update your DCOM files to fix it. -MadJack
I've run into a similar problem in updating from NAV 2001 to Symantec AV 8.0. Here's the link to the document with the link to Rnav2003 as well as instructions on how to use it. It's supposed to remove all the NAV crap in the registry. GL
http://service1.symantec.com/SUPPORT/nav.nsf/docid/2001092114452606?Open&src=w
-Morg -Morg
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203.
It's not news to us....
Hey, gang. Thought this might interest you: seems some of the 'semi-intelligent' in the industry are making another round of 'tech support is so awful', but of course they can't come up with ideas re what to do about it. Check out the following link:
http://zdnet.com.com/2100-1103-949018.html
Cheers.2002-08-13
[By: MadJack]
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Its real simple. Pay a better wage. -Nesaie
Simple fix: don't make the first level of tech support a group of poorly trained outsource monkeys. EU's will get the right answer the first call more often, less discontent and churn, have a nice day. -Mushroom
Not to mention, stop the bs from higher up that ties your hands. Dell mouths FTR. First Time Resolution. But can you? Not without listening and doing, and with their telephone system, that ain't possible. They're engineering their own destruction. Good riddance. -MadJack
I'm tired of people blaming everything on tech support if customers would take some computer classes. they wouldn't have as much problems and kids your 75 year old grandmother DOES NOT ned a computer!!! -PFYrocks
well gee lets see here, the cost of pcs are droping, they are becoming more affordable, so people who are not the brightest people, are able to buy computers, so its not really the ability of the tech support/helpdesk to do their job correctly that is declining, so much as more and more of the customers dont know what the hell they are doing or grasp the concept of tech suport, so they complain. -Silkfever
Here's a thought - NO CALL TIME LIMIT!! I used to tech an isp(actually 5 different ones at once) So I know the stresses of watching your talk-time. Needless to say it nearly burnt me out and I got out of it. Now I work for a "help-desk" doing buisness related tech support, the difference?...no call time limits. It has made all the difference in the world. -Chadius
We're lucky here, I suppose. We're not judged on keeping calls -under- a set time, we're judged on how far from the -average- we are. If the avg time is 8 minutes and your avg is 8:10, then you're not too bad. If your avg is at 5:00, then you get talked to because you're obviously NOT helping the customers properly. I remember someone getting talked-to about that - he was the Transfer King (his documentation sucked too). I seem to always be dead-on average (koff koff, shine nails against chest). -notpitr
hey wait i heard someone jump on outsourced techs. Now I'm not saying that all outsource places are good, but the one i work at handles the calls extremely well. The main issue: The big company waiting until 600 billion customers call in to let us know " hey there might be an outage/maintenance/ or some other potentially customer-call inducing trauma. In the end, TRAIN US RIGHT, PAY US RIGHT, CUT THE TALK TIME B.S AND SHUT UP WHILE WE DO OUR JOB !!!!! -spanky
I think Mushy was directing that at the Asian 'monkeys'. I think he'd realize he'd catch hell from all the OEM techs, present and past. After all, how many here doing support for Dell, Gateway, and HP/Compaq are NOT working for an outsourcer? Not as many as are, I'll bet. -MadJack
Let me make the previous comment clear before anybody jumps on me. By Asian monkeys, I meant the outsourcers in the Phillipines and India that we all bitch about. You knew that, of course. -MadJack
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204.
Free at last!
Hey, gang. Good news, and not so good news at the same time. Yours truly and Stream have parted ways. I'm free from Hell, free to be unemployed. Finally got to the point where I had to say "I've stands all I can stands, I can't stands no more", or so Popeye once said. No more griping (for a while anyway). Will be back soon with tales from the next ????. Cheers!2002-07-25
[By: MadJack]
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Congradulations on your new found freedom! Hope your next job in a lot better than your last :) -paul
Why didn't you just let your performance slip 'till you got canned so you could collect unemployment for the summer? I have thought about that MANY times... -wease
I had a feeling you worked for Stream. Dallas, right? Are you sure you weren't in Beaverton? hehehe Cause you sure remind me of someone there -Grembo
Yeah, I would have just let my performance slip and get shitcanned. 300 a week is better than nothing a week. -psxdefector1
Hang in there, mad one...it will get better! -hkypipe
Actually, what happened was that a mentor who didn't know me from adam got on my case about a call not being over 15 minutes and how I was doing my job wrong. Her, a newbie who knows who to blow. Me, a tech with two years on that job. She got my goat and I lit into her. She ran crying to HR, and that was all she wrote. Talk about being a baby. -MadJack
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205.
Another EUPOTD....
Had to put this here, not just on EUPOTD. I'm dealing with this poor soul right now. A simple office feature uninstall gone awry by her never having used a computer before. She can't close Word because the VR features are in the way. I'm walking her through CTRL-ALT-DEL, and when Task Manager came up: "Should I let go of CRTL ALT DEL now?" Sheesh. 2002-06-04
[By: MadJack]
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206.
Thanks a lot, Carly...
I hate holiday eves when you've gotta work. Half the crew vtos, meanwhile the customers are backing up because they've got nothing better to do than call for tech support from home when they should be in the car going somewhere, like the beach or something. Then, they of course can't shut up and listen, like they still don't have any time or something. Pardon the rant folks, I've been extremely on edge this week, for a number of reasons. This guy drove me to log off and go home with a pounding headache. Guy calls up, Thank you for yada yada, Service Tag please? "Whuzzyourname?" Name. "Whaddaya say before?" Service Tag, please. "Whazat?" Click Start--Programs--Dell Accessories. Two minutes of Accessories? No, DELL accessories. "Don't got it. I've got Accessibility Options, communications, games..." Grr. 'Found it. Express Service Code. It's ***-***-***-**.' Fine. Don't listen. Look it up that way. "What's your name sir? "****" pregnant pause "And your last name, sir?" "*****., address is (((( phone is &&&&&&". PATIENCE. 'Sir' "What, I'm just tryna anticipate what you wanna ask me, I've done it ten times today. THEN he SINGS "ANTICIPATION, IT'S MAKING ME WAIT!" I couldn't help it. "Please don't, sir." Penalty hold. Finish his problem. I'M OUTTA HERE!! T G I F!!!!!!!!!2002-05-24
[By: MadJack]
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That was after five and a half hours of people just like him all day. Sorry 'bout the rant, the BS is really getting to me. Would that the beaureaucrats and office pogues would get their noses out of our business and just let us do our jobs. Gotta be patient, let them interrupt ten ways form sunday, and push on like a plugger and do what we have to do. Whatever happened to adapting and establishing a rapport with the customer? You can't do that with all the bulls))) they demand. -MadJack
And if that wasn't bad enough, now a certain someone in Austin wants to branch out into printers. Hoo boy. -MadJack
pogues? I thought that was just a good band name. -Sky42
www.dictionary.com>> POGUE: Derogatory military slang used by front line troops to describe staff and other rear echelon or support units/troops. >> Oh, pretty spiffy eh? Now if only you really were in the military. Then you could SHOOT em. -Sky42
I was. Shooting them should be even more legal for a vet than for someone on active duty. -MadJack
There oughta be a rule about customers who go out of their way to be a royal pain in the ass. -MadJack
well I have one anyways. At the end of the day, try not to shoot myself. GAH! -Sky42
My rule for myself is, if you can't take it out on them, take it out on someone else. I have a dartboard with a picture of Saddam Hussein surrounded by a bullseye. I used to throw one dart at him every day. Now, I throw one at him for every idiot that calls up. Too bad it's not real. That'd make a lot of people VERY happy. -MadJack
Printers? Did you say printers? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. -DellTechChick
Too late, DTC, we've already got 'em. The next question is, for the next step, is the man in Austin going to tool up manufacturing his own, or if (big secret) if he's going to buy Lexmark. Yep, you heard right, buy Lexmark. -MadJack
Oh, hey, DTC, check this out: Next week, we start supporting Corel! (Like we don't already know how.) -MadJack
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207.
The other end of the spectrum...
Anybody here have to do regular outbound work? If I ever hang up on you, don't take it personally. Let me have a show of hands. How many here, after a long day of the phone ringing or beeping off the hook, enjoy the sound of their telephone ringing, and answer it to find a telemarketer or teleresearcher on the other end? You'd think I'd know better than to answer when caller ID says 'unavailable' or 'anonymous', but if you dont' answer, they keep calling and not leaving messages, so you gotta answer, if only to say "I spend all day answering the phone at the office, I don't wanna hear my home phone ring unless it's somone I wanna talk to, now stop calling!" 2002-05-21
[By: MadJack]
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AHMEN to that! -L0B0
Hear hear! Sometimes I just let them spill their schpiel while ignoring them and doing whatever it was I was already doing. When they finish I say 'I'm not interested' and usually they keep trying but I tell them again I'm not interested. If they keep at it I start getting irate and hang up on them. If your selling something (ie. a free sample to get you hooked) and I tell you TWICE I'm not interested, STOP trying! -SparcMan
I once had a credit card company call over 8 times in the span of 10 minutes to get me to sign up. They said it was because I hung up on them and that they had to keep calling back. From now on I pretty much just say "I don't care, I'm not interrested." like a broken record. -Burzmalli
if you say "Remove me from your call list" they cannot call you back for 5 years - otherwise it becomes harrasment -madonnac
I unplugged my landline in August and have had zero telemarketer calls since. A provision of the telecom act of 95 (I think( is that telemarketers are not allowed to call cellular phones without facing HUGE penalties, so now I just carry a cell. I'd highly reccomend it. -benny
Ditto! I just got one the other day they did their opening script and asked " Is this Chris <Lastname>? I answered, Yes. Then they asked "Would this be Christopher <Middle Initial> <Last Name> I then said what I wish I could say on the phones working. "I just answered yes, do you not understand English or are you just stupid." Then hung up. -suvdrivah
Unfortunately, Madonnac, they limit that to two years in Texas, and they've just run the legislation so we have to do it all over again with EVERYONE who calls. Telemarketers beware calling any tired and ticked off tech or customer service rep at the end of their day. You'll be sor-ry! -MadJack
My mistake - it's 10 years! From the DMA's web site: The FCC's Do-Not-Call Rules require companies to keep a record of your request not to receive future sales calls for ten years.
To stop future "live" calls to your home :
Tell the caller that you do not want to receive any more solicitation calls from them and to add you to their do-not-call list. This request should stop all calls from the caller for ten years
http://www.dmaconsumers.org/telephoneconsumerprotectionact.html
-madonnac
oops - should have said applies to home telephones only -madonnac
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208.
The user actually said....
This guy's holding right now for no other reason than he's not sure what these little icons are between the start button and the 'program sqaures'. He doesn't believe they're where they're supposed to be. I asked him where the icons are, and he asked me "Do you have a computer in front of you?" What I wanted to say: "No, sir. We lead you through troubleshooting and keep track of everything by ESP, everything by memory. Sure. Of course I do, whadda dumb question. DUH!" What I said:"Yes, sir" (of course)
Do I have a computer in front of me. Ho ho. Ha Ha. Very funny. It is to laugh. 2002-05-20
[By: MadJack]
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209.
We're in trouble....
This poor unwitting soul hung up while on hold. She works for Los Alamos National Labs. (Not to name names; but to make the point). She's got a brand new box, running Win2k and Ofc2k government license. "I just got my system up and running (it was ordered last week) and it's wanting to update to Office2k Service Pack 2!" when the system said it wanted Windows2000 SP2. She works for LANL, and she doesn't know the difference between Windows and Office. Think I'm gonna take tomorrow off and search for a house WAAAAAAYYYYYY out in the country. Either that, or anybody know where I can buy a good bomb shelter? Ha ha. 2002-05-20
[By: MadJack]
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I do a different type of Support for Los Alamos...I believe what you're saying! -Halcyon Brigham
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210.
Whoodunit?
Okay, Hell techs and fans, I've got one question. Who was the ID10T who sent a customer with deleted files to sw? The customer's files are deleted from the Recycle Bin, and they're irretrievable. You know that, and yet you send someone who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground over here in the hopes we can somehow magically retrieve those precious files from the ether they've sailed off into. Thanks a lot! I couldn't wait to get off that call so I could laugh. 2002-05-15
[By: MadJack]
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Answer: It was someone in a call center in India, that's who! -MadJack
no, it was probably AOL -dglgrm
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211.
Would that it were true....
The following is the headline of today's edition of the Financial Times: "MICROSOFT FACES TOUGH EU ACTION." Would that EU was End Users rather than European Union.2002-05-10
[By: MadJack]
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212.
Telefunny...
The following is the log of a customer I just finished with.
"Customer having questions about registering NAV. Customer is not connected to inet, yet states that her modem attempted to dial out to NAV and send registration, reports msg 'sending registration' popped up, and then 'sw cannot be registered at this time.' Customer believes her hw is not connected properly, despite the successful dial out and connection. While attempting to check phone line connections between wall, modem, and in/out ports on surge protector, call was disconnected. When called back, line was busy." WooHoo!2002-05-08
[By: MadJack]
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Anybody think this caller was anyone other than a little old grandmother who just bought this, her first computer? -MadJack
Either a granny or the guy who took a computer class back in 1978, remembers how well everything worked on reel-to-reel, and can "correctly diagnose" his own problems... -The Coyote
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213.
Cars vs PCs...
The following was in a handout my apt complex gives to it's tenants every month. All the usual niceties about neighbors etc. Whoever thought it up pretty much on the opposite side. It's a little long, so follow along. (Stop me if you've heard this already.)
"Cars vs PCs"
"Someone recently compared the computer industry with the auto industry by saying that if cars had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mpg. Of course, if cars were really comparable to computers, the situation might be more like this: (continued)
"Someone
2002-05-03
[By: MadJack]
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214.
Cars vs PCs 2....
1) Your car would crash at least twice a day for no apparent reason. 2) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway. You would have to pull over to the side, close the windows, shut the car off and restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. You would simply accept this. 3) Executing a maneuver such as a turn would sometimes cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would need to reinstall the engine. 4) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads. (Cont)2002-05-03
[By: MadJack]
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215.
Cars vs PCs (end)
5) The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 6) Once in a while, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna (all at the same time.) 7) Every time a new car was introduced, buyers would need to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as your old car. 8) Last but not least, Of course, you would have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF.
2002-05-03
[By: MadJack]
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Whoever wrote that was obviously a mac fan and obviously not able to properly maintain their computer. Mine, running Win 98, hasn't crashed in at least 2 months. My roommates computer, running XP, hasn't crashed ever, and he built it in October. -Burzmalli
hell, i know of a few linux box's that havn;t crashed yet. -Lordpryo
Cars are only like PCs on the ground that everyone wants to own one but only the few can fix and when you go to the guy and have it looked at he laughs on the inside at your idiocy and corrects the problems you should have known in the first place to maintain yourself -aCiDReFLuX
I got that in an email from my boss a little while ago... yeah, it's funny -DaSwish
I always use car analogies to people who "THINK" they are good with PC's and Networking. I simply explain, if their PC/Network were a car, then they are a driver and I'm a mechanic. Although I usually put it a little blunter than that. -Spiggsy
Yeah, some of them actually think their MSCE or A+ makes them a premier licensed mechanic. In truth, it says they are; but the truth is in their experience. They're just licensed drivers. -MadJack
Fill 'er up and change the oil, Bubba. -MadJack
My fave car analogy was a guy that had put a 2nd video card in and couldnt get it configured. He couldnt understand why we (OEM) wouldnt help. 'if you bought a car and decided to put a 2nd transmission in it, had problems, would you take it to the dealer and expect them to get it to work?" -Grembo
From Steven Wright: "I put a new engine in my car. Without taking the old one out. Now my car goes 300(sic) mph." -hkypipe
LOL thats great MadJack! i love it.... -purpledaisy
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216.
Truth IS stranger than fiction....
Last call of the day. Took forever because I kept putting her on hold. Couldn't BELIEVE what she was telling me. What you're about to read is true, and those of you who do HP printer support for HP will be able to confirm this. By the way: if the HP tech I talked to is also one of us, (and I forgot your real name already) speak up. Okay. The curtain opens on me, sitting at my desk. Cue the phone. "Thank you for calling......" yada, yada, spiel, verify. Okay. Customer's talking, I'm reading the case file. Customer can't answer her phone, her fax machine is answering on the first ring. Customer just spoke with hw, they sent her to us. Log only says "Fax machine is answering telephone on first ring. Ref'd to sw." Presumably, the hw tech thought the problem was fax sw, PhoneTools or WINXP. Logical, but could have used a LITTLE more investigation. (Continued)....2002-05-01
[By: MadJack]
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217.
Truth is stranger than fiction, part 2..
Okay. "Maam, what fax sw are you using?" "The sw that came with my HP." OOOOOHHHkay. Something's not right. "Your HP?" "The HP I bought with my D***". Uh, oh. Printer problems. Bad, bad hardware. (NOT! You HP folks can guess what's coming. Bear in mind, OEMs aren't supposed to support printers, so I have no idea that what she's about to tell me is God's honest truth." I'm thinking "Why are we even helping her with an HP fax machine? Wait, we don't sell fax machines." Okay. "Ma'am, what model of HP are we talking about here? "An Officejet PSC-950". Multi-function, fax capability. Must be the modem. "What sw are you using for faxing, ma'am?" "I'm not using sw, the HP's hooked to the phone jack in the wall. HP said it would answer on the first ring, and I need to set up distinctive ring service, and i should talk to you people about setting up my modem." WTF?2002-05-01
[By: MadJack]
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218.
Truth IS stranger than fiction pt 3...
WTF? "Your HP is hooked directly into the wall phone outlet?" "Yes, HP told me I should. That didn't sound right to me." Okay, maybe we can do something. Simple reconfig. Hw won't do it, HP's telling her what???!!?? OS support might, she's using Win2k. However, she's already talked to THREE HP techs and three of us in Hell, including me. Something OBVIOUS being overlooked. Start with the obvious. "Okay, ma'am. Obviously, your modem's not going to call out if your SYSTEM is slaved (so to speak) to your PERIPHERAL. How is the system hooked to the printer?" "???" Customer not even sure how it's hooked up. "I'm not sure, I'm new at this." Cue Daffy! AAAAAAAHHHH! Okay, get a grip. 2002-05-01
[By: MadJack]
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219.
Truth IS stranger than fiction pt 4....
Okay, folks, I know the story's long, but follow along.
"Okay, ma'm, how is your printer wired to your computer?" "There's a phone wire running between the printer and the tower, and a USB cable running in between." WTF? Data AND phone lines between CPU and printer, and phone line OUT from MFD to the wall? Who thought THIS up? I couldn't believe someone supposed to be an experienced technician thought that the fax should come before the computer. Cart before the horse and.... Well, she's talked with six people, all of them telling her the opposite. Time to go to the horse's mouth. Hello, HP? 2002-05-01
[By: MadJack]
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220.
Truth IS stranger than fiction (end)...
"Thank you for calling ** ******* support, how can I help you? " "Hi, I'm **** calling from **** technical support, I've got a customer with a problem on one of your printers... yada,yada, etc. Get to the point. "She's having a problem getting her printer to work, and she's being told to hook the MFD directly into the wall and 'slave' the cpu to it to comm out. When we hook it up standard printer config, it reports 'improper parameter.' Can you help me out here?" "Sure, the OJ-PSC950 is DESIGNED to front-end for the modem." "That's new on me, and we've never had customers ask us about something like this before. (Forgot to mention that no one working for **** at St.Ream had heard of this, either. Not a documented issue. Of course not, it's not an issue!) "This is the way it's supposed to be?" "Yep. Just tell her to set up distinctive ring with her Telco, and she'll be all set." OOOOOOOkay. Back to customer. "Believe it or not, this is CORRECT. According to HP, you just need..." "That's what they told me." An hour down the drain, all because somebody thought it was a good idea to put the MFD before the CPU in the food chain. Gotta admit, it's a interesting idea. 2002-05-01
[By: MadJack]
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And for all my fellow ST.Ream techs in Hell, "IT'S ALL IN THE NAME OF FTR!" -MadJack
Makes me wonder. We're not supposed to say what contract we work on, but then they turn around and give us those FTR t-shirts with the Hell logo printed on it......... -Grembo
Dont you know, HPee contracts out their support to Saint Ream LBJ? Or, at least they did. And what's up with desktop and laptop support at Hell? They are still bullshitting my techs around with absolute nonsense troubleshooting steps. Asking to check connections and reinstall drivers for a FLOPPY making noise when accessing. -psxdefector1
Hate to tell you this, psxdefector; but HP support at LBJ is no more because LBJ is no more. Trinity's all that's left here. -MadJack
Oh, and BTW, there's no more hw support at Trinity, either. All that's left is sw and OS. Hw's at other St.Ream facilities, or outside the US. (Canada, Phillipines, and India.) -MadJack
When did that happen?!?!?! So, who the hell has HPee tech support? -psxdefector1
Just within the last 2-3 months. That's what happens when you get bought by a COMPETITOR like SolHecKtron. They're running us into the ground. Meanwhile, we're playing FTR patty-cake to keep Hell from leaving (while the other non-St.Ream sites in Asia f*** around, do s*** for support, and make US look bad by doing FTR by the book. They're the ones not doing any resolutions, ESPECIALLY the first time out. What the f*** are the people in Hell qh thinking? -MadJack
No need to answer that question. They're not thinking anything but $$$$$. So what if they screw up their business reputation as long as the sales continue? Doesn't matter to them. Their pockets are lined with $$$$, so what about us in the trenches? -MadJack
HPee apparently is stil with St.Ream, but in Canada. Sky42 works there. Don't know if she's on the HPee contract or not. -MadJack
Yeah, we have a new HPee Jornaduh contract here in BC. So now we have Pave-a-million, Omnischmuck, OfficeSchlepp, and Jornaduh. -Sky42
Maybe I should get St.Ream to xfer me up north with everybody else. Y'all should be swimming in calls before long, if not already, now that HPee and Compark are getting married. -MadJack
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221.
Is it six yet?
Please, Lord, let this day end. Right now is holding a man who not only cannot shut up, but said exactly the following after not listening and interrupting through all the opening required schpiel: "Like, I've got, uuuhh this cd player in my car, and I've got this like, uuuhh, cd I made with wavs and mpeg1 files, and it's not playing in my car. Is it because they should all be mpeg1s?" CUE DAFFY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, folks, where should I start telling him where he went wrong? How he burned the cd? Or maybe that MPEG is a video file, and you can't play mpegs on a CAR STEREO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three and a half more hours to go. Shoot me now!2002-04-26
[By: MadJack]
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actually, you can play mpegs in a car stereo, it's called an MP3 deck.. mp3's, as we know them, are music files, but the mpeg encoding format is used for more than just video.. mp3's are just music files encoded with the mpeg layer 3 format, just like DVD's use mpeg layer 4.. a lot of car audio manufacturer's are making mp3 deck's because of the versatility of them.. if your customer had burned a cd with waves and mpeg 1's, coulda just said he was a dumbass and left it at that :p -eastcoasttech
Actually, they were mpeg 1s. Believe it or not, I didn't know that mpegs could be audio only. Bad on me. -MadJack
Oh, BTW: After he said all that, I put him on hold (of course) and when I came back two minutes later, ready to deal with him, he was gone. Awwwwwwwwwwwww.... -MadJack
A lot of lower end/older car stereos don't even support audio CD-R playback with discs made on an audio-only recorder, as friends of mine have found out to their cost. -DavidHM
Exactly. -MadJack
alot of car stereo's also aren't sensitive enough to read a cd-r. -Grembo
Actually now adays, most panasonics support both cd-r's and cd-rw's. They are really expensive but units now adays support almost any format. To boot, panasonic has an in-car dvd player that had a vcd support on it to watch copied movies in your car. -lostinpoet
My experience: Car CD players will play regular CD-R's, but not audio CD-R's (kinda defeats the purpose, no?) and of the array of MP3-playing CD decks only a handful will play CD-RW's. -Mushroom
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222.
Next caller!
The following is a very condensed version of a radio commercial now being aired for the Dallas Morning News. It was done in the style of a radio talk show.
"And we're back to Motorhead. Next caller." "Hi, I need to sell my car." "Do you have a front porch?" "Yeah." "Take out an ad in the DMN. Next caller." "Hi, motorhead; I don't have a porch, I have a lawn and stoop. Can I still(CLICK!) "NEXT CALLER!"2002-04-18
[By: MadJack]
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223.
Another tech poll....
Correct me if i'm wrong. The more stubborn they are to NOT call unless they HAVE to, the worse the problem is. Now, correct me if I'm wrong (again.) The most common problem a tech sees, MS application-wise, has got to the normal template in Word.
What I want to know is this. 1)What's the highest number of copies of normal.dot you've seen on one drive, and 2) on a partitioned system, how many copies on the entire box?
This should be interesting. 2002-04-11
[By: MadJack]
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Comments
The worst I have seen was when one of the students here copied the normal.dot file into a folder called normal.dot.backup. Inside the folder there were, I sh*t you not, 99 copies of normal.dot. I asked her why she didn't make it an even hundred. She said the computer would crash if it hit copy 100 "cause then it would be 100 percent normal". -shazbat
I tell people it's a virus and they need to delete it if they ever it. -Alistir
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224.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Customer calls up on a brand new XP system. Just got the thing out of the box. "My computer's telling me it doesn't detect a network cable. How do I get to the internet?" She's used Earthlink as a dial-up for years, the company uses her account, and it doesn't even cross her mind that not only MAYBE SHE SHOULD INSTALL HER EARTHLINK SOFTWARE ON THIS BOX, maybe SHE'LL BE DIALING ANYWAY, AND SHE WON'T BE USING HER NETWORK CARD TO DO IT!!!!!! Sent her to hw to check the NIC wasn't malfunctioning. SHHHHEEEEEESH!!!!! Somebody gimme the directions to the nearest bar, she drained my brain so hard I feel like Bugs Bunny after he got hit in the face with a steel beam. (Remember that toon?) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!2002-04-10
[By: MadJack]
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Comments
From one who knows... no, don't install that software. You don't want the call when it fails to install correctly, or fails to realize there's an adaptor (dial-up or network) that it can use. -Mushroom
True, true. But, she still came across as a case of vacu-lock. If she'd stopped to think for just one moment.... -MadJack
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225.
Hang up the phone!
Story 2000. Cool. Okay. Last caller I had. I go through the spiel. First words out of his mouth: "Hang up the phone. (I say nothing) "Hang up the phone." Me: "Are you there, sir?" Him:"Just a moment, there's somone else on the line." Him:"Stupid b---h!" (CLICK). Allllrighty then.2002-04-03
[By: MadJack]
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After the first time I heard "Hang up the phone." He'd been talking to Diala Tone. -raibeart
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226.
Im taking you with me!
Customer calls up about a virus. Never had her NAV definitions updated, Symantec won't be able to help. I just sent her to hw for a reformat. Quoth she, in this order, when I asked her for her service tag: "I'm reading it upside down. I've broken my glasses, this'll be twice as fun. I have a virus, and it's killing me. I hate this life. And I'm taking you with me!"
Allllrighty then.....2002-04-03
[By: MadJack]
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What's better than the caller I had today who had four viral files in the MSConfig start list and a never-updated Norton? The caller who had five known backdoor server programs and both Norton & McAfee in the start group. Both of these calls in the same day. -Mushroom
Oy! She's BEGGING for the Paranoid virus! -MadJack
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227.
Microsoft Strikes Back! (Pt 1)
Gonna be a fun day. Four (l)user of the morning, 20 minutes into my shift. An attorney with an attitude and an over-inflated ego. (Typical). He cuts me off once I open his file, starts carrying on about how he can't set his page margins on page 2 differently from page 1. Pompous A**hole's in his first 30 days, so he can't be blown off with a billable policy reminder in the hope he'll go "I got three years of service on this thing!" and hang up in a huff when he's told that sw support isn't warrantied because it's not our sw, it's M$s, and they tell us how to support it, and feel like an idiot for not reading the fine print, between the lines, and all that, like an attorney worth his salt should. OK. This is a perfect opportunity. I can tactfully tell THIS guy WHY he can't do what he's doing, and feel good about it, for all the other times I can't. (To be continued)...2002-04-02
[By: MadJack]
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228.
Microsoft Strikes Back! (Part 2)
"Sir, I notice your system is registered to -------, Atty at Law." (He's a one person shop. No wonder his ego's overinflated. He's taking on the entire world on his own, and doing all his own legwork in the process.) "Yeah, that's right." "I take it you're attempting to create a specific legal document, such as something similar to court proceedings." "Yeah, that's right, how'd you guess?" "I've studied some law, among other things, sir." (Hoping he'll get the point I'm not just some undereducated dolt. We're easily as smart, if not smarter, than people like him who spent years in college for a piece of paper.) "Well, the reason this is happening, is that M$, the developer of this program, did not write this program to be so specific. Most folks don't tend to need to change the margins of varying pages, and so M$ didn't design it that way. To be able to do this, M$ would need to make that feature, and just about every other one, customizable on every page." (to be continued...)2002-04-02
[By: MadJack]
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229.
Microsoft Strikes Back! (End)
"I don't want to do this on every page, I just want to set the margins of pages 2-(end) differently from page 1!" "To be able to do that, sir, the program would have to be written to customize every page separately according to personal preferences. What you're wanting to do is something that 99.9% of users don't take into account as needing to do, and M$ knows that, so they don't see a need to write Word that way." "Well, is there another program I can use?" "Not off the shelf, sir. All the other major sw developers, and most of the lesser known ones, make their word processing software the same way. I might suggest a program that's custom written for the legal profession?" "This computer's of no use to me! I might as well go back to using a typewriter!" (CLICK!) Well, maybe you should, since you've obviously never used a computer before, and you not only don't know what you're getting into, but you obviously cannot conceive of everyone doing word processing the way you do, pompous a**hole. Score one for M$, Word just struck down another lawyer. 2002-04-02
[By: MadJack]
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Comments
Maybe thats why most law offices still use crappy old versions of WordPerfect? I had one still using 5.1!!! In DOS!!!! In all its blue glory!!!! And complain that it didnt run right in a windows DOS box!!!! -psxdefector1
Umm... You know, you can make the margins different in different pages. You have to make a "division", and then set the margins specific to that division. But that's far more complicated than you want to get into with your attorney type. -chazz
What I didn't tell him was that we know how to do it; but we can't because it's 'advanced' support. And you're right: It's very beyond him. -MadJack
Watiaminit.... It *is* possible in Word97 and later to change margins. All you do is go to File then Page Setup, and then you can select the margins for either "Whole Document" or "This point forward". It's a bit tricky, but I've done it before. You just have to remember to change the margins BACK on the next page (using "This Point Forward" again). -notpitr
Yup. Like I said, we're trained how to do it. But, it's considered advanced usage by M$, and beyond the capabilities of a pompous (l)user who's never used a computer before. Can't do it if we wanted to, and believe me, I didn't. Had a good laugh about it aftward, too. -MadJack
Why not just copy/paste page 2 onto a new word document and change the margins there..... as you know most lusers think they are in the know if they have 15 applications running at the same time so having word open twice shouldnt tax their brains too much. -nomoretears
All perfectly workable. Let me restate myself here: I told him what I did because any of these actions were way beyond him, a (l)user who's never used computers before, and who might have been able to handle them if he wasn't so narrow sighted as to think what he wanted to do was as natural to everyone in doing word processing, and that what he wanted to do, which was specific to the legal profession, was something EVERYONE does ALL THE TIME. The guy was a blowhard with attitude coming out every pore. He needed deflating, I could BS the hell out of him, and take the wind out of his sails. It doesn't sound like it; but it did. -MadJack
Yep, possible in WordPerfect... hell, I did that stunt all the time in AppleWorks on the //e, among others. I do see your point, MadJack, that it wasn't in the parameter and he wouldn't have understood anyway. But I figure telling him to RTFM about putting in those page settings, not saying it can't be done, would be a better answer. -Mushroom
Perfect! And he had it coming, too... -hkypipe
Maybe it would have been. D**n, it felt GOOOOOD beating him at his own game. Talked circles around him, shut him up, BUH-BYE! -MadJack
I just tell them they have to start over and make a new file for every margin. Sure, its not really true, but it saves me the trouble of supporting it when they screw it up. Also Microsoft stuff does a poor job of keeping margins the same from computer to computer. -directedmr
Too right. If'd I'd actually supported him, he would have been calling back for me later that day complaining that he tried to print on a system with a different printer, and everything was whacked! -MadJack
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230.
Y,Y,Y?
"What is your Service Tag?" "Y as in WHY, ..., Y as in WHY?, Y as in WHY! I just reformatted my hard drive and now it won't recognize my modem! Why won't it recognize my modem???!!!?? WHY? WHY? WHY?" Would that I could have said "WHY can't you control yourself and act civilized? WHY can't you hear good? WHY did you call software support for a hardware issue? WHY do I put up with your bitching? WHY WHY WHY?" Of course, reality. "Modems are hw support, this is sw support. Please hold and I'll get them on the line." BUH-BYE!2002-03-28
[By: MadJack]
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you actually said all that? -purpledaisy
I wish I could. Nope, just the last bit. The (l)user did say everything at the top, fa-sure. -MadJack
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231.
Doze mode....
Customer called to sw support w/ a battery problem. "The disk says this sw is not compatible in 'doze' mode." "Ma'am, was that DOS mode? or Sleep mode?" "It says doze mode." "How is that spelled, maam?" "D-O-Z-E, how else?" (I should have said 'How is that spelled on the screen, ma'am?). And this is what we're dealing with when slowdowns are picking up and layoffs and mandatory time off is increasing. TIME TO FIND A NEW JOB!!!!!!!2002-03-26
[By: MadJack]
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232.
Addendum to 7-11....
Like we always say, there's one that'll top it. I'm standing at a bus stop outside a 711, on my way to work yesterday. I'm leaning against a trash can, behind me is a bank of three pay phones and the obsequious pay-for-air pump. A gorgeous brunette in a 7 year old Nissan drives up and gets out. She picks up the hose, smiles at me, and asks "This is the air nozzle, right?"
If my bus hadn't come along just then.........2002-03-23
[By: MadJack]
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No, zzzzzip!, this is the air nozzle... -Mushroom
She probably needed a refill, huh huh huh! -Mushroom
Amen to that. Hope I bump into her again. -MadJack
lol...mushy...you should write pr0n scripts in your off time...way too funny! -officespace
ummmm. dont give him any ideas, guys.. "mushyvision" is just one big.. um.. nevermind. -Shoefly
"7-11 Seductress" brought to you by Mushyvision Studios. Has kindof a ring to it.... -notpitr
That should be 'seductress(es)'. -MadJack
I do write porn scripts in my spare time, Shoefly has likely read some of them... or heard about them. :) -Mushroom
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233.
How can I help you?
A VERY simple customer called up with a Win2k problem. First words out of his mouth after I finished my spiel: "What was your name?" I gave it to him again, and he asked "How may I help you?" (Isn't that supposed to be my question?)2002-03-22
[By: MadJack]
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234.
I don't think I'm in the right place....
Gonna be a fun day. Just got logged in, first person rings the bell before I can open my company e-mail and dump my daily five pages of spam. "I don't know if I'm in the right place. I just bought some RAM, and it's the wrong kind. I got your name off the invoice, and I was wondering if you could help me." "Well, lets see. One, you heard me say software support, and you have a hardware problem. Two, you said you didn't know if you were in the right place. The preceeding two should answer that question two different ways, not cancel them out. Three, I KNOW you didn't get my name off the invoice, I'm a technician, not a sales person. Well, what do you think?" That's what I wish I could have said. In reality, "Let me see what I can do." HOLD AND XFER TO PROPER UNIT. Buh-bye!2002-03-20
[By: MadJack]
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235.
What's your name?
"Thank you for callining ****, my name is ****, may I have your service tag?" "Service Tag is *******" (At least they got that right.) "What is your name, please?" "I'mhavinga problemwithmycomputer." How many of us would like to say "How may I help you, Mr/Mrs/Ms Problemwithmycomputer?"
One of these days.....2002-03-15
[By: MadJack]
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I once had a guy say "Aw, crap!" when I asked him his username, and I asked him if that was "a-U-c-r-a-p" or just the standary spelling "a-w-c-r-a-p" because he had a French-sounding name.
-deltree/y
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236.
Service Tag...
"Thank you for calling ****, my name is****, may I have your service tag please?" "Is that my order number? Or my customer number?" "Neither one. Your service tag is specific to your computer." "Is that my Express Service Code?" "No, the Service TAG." "Oh, you mean the Service TAG!" (Didn't I just say the words SERVICE TAG three times now?). If I say the words service tag to you, does that sound like I'm asking for something else by another name?
We go through this ten thousand times a day. Maybe I should change my handle to MadJack. BWAHAHAHA!2002-03-14
[By: MadJack]
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Oh, I forgot to include "Product ID?"
Plus, getting info from them is like getting blood from a stone. Yeeeeha! -JackDish
3/18--As of today, I AM MadJack. Then, you all already knew I was mad, didn't you? (Pretend I'm imitating Daffy Duck. Woohoo!Woohoo!Woohoo!) -MadJack
Add to the list "The model of my computer?" -MadJack
Or even the extension! -MadJack
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237.
Pay attention to me, daddy!
This should be a classic. I just sent him to hardware. Customer's surfing on AOL, and watching his two year old daughter at the same time. He's so into what he's doing, she just sauntered right up and pressed the power button and shut him down. After reboot, his modem wasn't recognized. Well, now he won't be able to surf when he's watching his child (at least for a while.)2002-03-06
[By: MadJack]
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Comments
My wife says that if we ever have a child that this would happen to me. I say "computers are computers, babies are babies, and the baby comes first." I haven't had to test the theory, lest she be proven right about me. :) -Mushroom
hmm, I'm thinking of putting my (non existant so far) children at the same importance as the computer, the wife would be somewhere down the list past 'more ram' -Lordpryo
well your not gonna get any when you get married -purpledaisy
my little one used to do that to me all the time, until she hit about 2, used to kill the power on my tower I guess she though it was a fun toy, cuz daddy was always playing with it....I miss that little thing...*sigh* (she's coming up on 4 now... -rapture1235
hmm, I'm thinking of putting my (non existant so far) children at the same importance as the computer, the wife would be somewhere down the list past 'more ram' -PITFA
Talked to a guy with a 2-ish sounding kid today who kept trying to get at the tower. I thought his voice sounded a little breathy...turns out he was surfing porn sites on his cable connection while we reinstalled dialup networking for his dialup to the office and jacking off at the same time. I hope that kid gives up her fascination with the power button on the tower and develops a taste for knives or scissors. -ladysethos
when my six year old brother was about three he managed to press enough random buttons on boot up to get into BIOS and change the hard drive listed there, and then PASSWORD PROTECT THE BIOS. No such thing as a password more randomly generated than a three year old mashing the keyboard -Disallowed
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238.
A world without Windows....
Get aload of this, and stop me if you've heard it already. Published today on Anchordesk, Steve Ballmer says they can't comply with the requests of the nine remaining states still suing them, and if sanctions are approved, they would have to 'withdraw the Windows operating system from the market.' Check out the following link:
http://zdnet.com.com/2100-1104-851229.html
Now obviously, he's bluffing. But: think of it. A World without Windows. Would it be better, or worse? Would our work be better, or worse? The possibilities are mind boggling. Would the industry get stronger, implode, or do something in between? Tell me what you think.2002-03-06
[By: MadJack]
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i think it would be worse....can you imagine how many people have the hardest time right clicking? im agine them now in DOS! yikes!!! -purpledaisy
it's annoying enough having to recall every minute detail and difference between the 5 commonly used versions of windows. i cant imagine having 30 or so diff. operating systems on the market and having to remember all the stinking ways to reinstall communications in each one.... i don't like microsoft, but there's something to be said for consistancy. -cubiclegimp
Hmm... Maybe I should start learning Linux :-) -Razordance
a world without windows where do i sign up :) -snaggle
A world with out windows eh? Hmmmm.... Just think! A whole new generation of MAC users just waiting to happen! And none of them have half an iota of the intelligence needed to use a *nix system. -TheDarkPenguin
So, no new versions - we alrady have what, like 8 or 9 that we support on a day to day basis. They can't not support the current versions. PLUS it's complete BS - like they'd stop making Windows ahahahhahahahahahahahahahah -forrsmg
I'm not convinced. You can't retroactively uninstall millions of copies of Windows from the mother ship, and since 95, 98, ME, NT4, and 2000 are pretty stable products there's no lack of CD's to install some working version of Windows from. Considering that half the time M$FT says "call your ISP" when there's a Windows problem, you and I aren't out of a job. :) -Mushroom
Like I said, undoubtedly it's a bluff. Then, who knows? The OEM I work for, who 'we all know and love' is in the middle of a major reorganization, tech support wise. You know who MIGHT be gearing up to withstand whatever comes. (Yeah, right! He's most likely siding M$ to make everyone think it might be true). But, Think of the possibilties! This job would be a whole new world! Oh boy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! -JackDish
I long for the day!!! Linux/Unix/Mac...what else do we need...it would put an end to the inane calls of Where's my Start Button!!! PLEAZE MAKE IT SO!!!! -erilaze
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239.
David Coursey's column...
Anybody hit Anchordesk today? Dave Coursey made a pitiful effort to slam the industry. Check out this link:
http://www.zdnet.com/anchordesk/stories/story/0,10738,2852450,00.html
Here's my reply:
"Remember this, everyone:
You're absolutely right. The problem is: those of us doing technical support are human beings, generally L1 personnel trying to either gain or keep a foothold in this industry.
We're not MSCEs, we're not all A+ certified, we're mostly wannabes with rules and regulations and quotas and polciies governing every action we take, right down to what we can and can't say, and how many times we say it. We're underpaid for the work we do, and very taken for granted. We're not wizards, you know. The codeheads and gurus don't stand on the front lines. This is a two way street. If things are to improve, the first thing to change has to be the attitude."
It's time the users started thinking a little, instead of expecting us to do it for them.2002-03-05
[By: MadJack]
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Comments
Now, before we all get in an uproar: I know there are a lot of you out there who are codeheads, MCSEs, and A+s. I'm just a wannabe who needs to sit for the tests to claim I'm something more. The point remains the same. We've said it before: Think! RTFM! Tell me if I'm wrong. -JackDish
I can't say you're wrong at all. Don't let that guy get to you. He's taken his literary powers and abused them so much it makes me ill. -Nullifidian
oh my goodness i read that...i also posted stuff and gave them what i thought about the retards tha call us...that kinda made me mad...no respect whats the world coming to! -purpledaisy
Most EUs wouldn't know how to use their brain if it jumped out of their thick skull and bitch slapped them. -TheDarkPenguin
Most EUs wouldn't know how to use their brain if it jumped out of their thick skull and bitch slapped them. -TheDarkPenguin
I swear I only clicked once! -TheDarkPenguin
I couldn't agree more, read this -hkypipe
Hey hkypipe! I love the story, i hope alot of people read that, and start thinking...actually i really hope they read it and get offended, you know if they do get offended that means they actually did at least one of those things! hehe -purpledaisy
Hey, guys, more on the defensive on Anchordesk today. Check this out:
http://www.zdnet.com/anchordesk/stories/story/0,10738,2853224,00.html
-JackDish
Now I know why the text window is wider than 1024x768. Thanks for the URL though... -Mushroom
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240.
Before when?
Great customer comment from one I'm wrapping up. We did a system restore on WXPP, customer's pretty competent. He's commenting on "Restore system to an earlier time." Quote: "Before Windows?" We BOTH started laughing.
2002-02-06
[By: MadJack]
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241.
Can you do what?
Add another one to the "Just when you've heard it all" category. Yesterday, a customer calls up about installing a 3rd party program written for Win95 on an XP-Home system. When I explained to her about the compatibility issues, and a bit about the WinXP compatibility wizard, she asked "How can I set my system up so I can run all versions of Windows and have compatibility for anything out there?"2002-02-02
[By: MadJack]
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Please give me her name and phone number, I have a Kaypro that I want to sell her. -deltree/y
thats not that funny..you can do that.. -risk
Sure you can%3B but it%27s not a very good idea to do more than partition and set a dual-boot. Four-plus%3F Anyone think thats wise%3F -JackDish
Actually, I have a multi-boot system with Win98, Win2000 and Windows XP each running on it's own drive/partition. I use FAT32 (I don't need ntfs at this stage) on all drives. I've never had a problem with this system. I also run VMware, and can run multiple copies of Windows 3.11, Windows 95 and Windows 98, CONCURRENTLY, hosted by either my Win2000 or WinXP install.
I regulalry test software in the Virtual Machines, and reboot to Win98 for those games still not suported by 2000 or XP! I love it! -wedge
If you can do it, do it to it.
However, name me one OEM that will support doing it for their customers. -JackDish
One would **hope** that someone who can set up the partitions and install the OSes wouldn't need their OEM for support...because if you do, I'm sure not going to help you. -ladysethos
Exactly. The only way I'll do it for them is if they pay me to come and do it for them, on their nickel and my time. You know the saying: That's not my job. -JackDish
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242.
Just when you think....
Ready for another case of "Just when you think you've heard it all"? My last caller just called in to find out why she couldn't open docs composed on a Brother word processor and saved on a "3M Macintosh" disk (It's been so long since I've used a TYPEWRITER, did they ever use disks?). Shes got a (Brand) desktop, running Win98 and Works2000, (with Word2k, of course). And she's only had this unit for TWO YEARS! Can I say 'Box it up and send it back'.
How about the one that called since I started this story: A net admin who's trying to obtain (for the first time) the license # for an Office License purchased two years ago.
Makes you wish you could drink on the job.
2002-01-31
[By: MadJack]
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and makes you certain they drink before they call -Disallowed
I sorely miss the days when we did. But we still have team meetings at The Pub. -Mushroom
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243.
DID I REALLY?
I just dispatched this person to hw for a reformat. A customer ordered a brand system, OS, apps, and all. Her system came with the new Windows XP Home edition. She immediately went out, purchased WinXP Professional, and installed it. "My device drivers won't work, I can't get my printer drivers to install, Windows is doing a compatibility check, and what's this NAV registration all about?"
I confirmed with this customer that she had ordered WINXP Home on her system.
"IT DID??????!!!???"
2001-12-06
[By: MadJack]
Comment on Story
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Customer Misconceptions
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1.
As hotel night auditor, you are also the night I.T. guy. Not only will you have the password for the building's free WiFiNet (true); but you can and will reboot the router when it goes down (false, that's facilities' responsibilty, front desk no touchee), take trouble calls ("The router's down! Can't you reboot it?" 20x a night)('The library computer's doing something weird, and I didn't do anything to it! Are you going to charge me for this?') and with the touch of a button amplify the signal by pi to the nth power so that the signal can beam through walls and doors into every room in the building, not just the open-area hot spots; and all this well past midnight. Get a life, go out and party, find something else to do, or just go to bed, willya? It's late; I may get paid to care about your technical problem, and even take a trouble ticket (i.e. - put it in the maintenance log), but the night auditor isn't there to be the nighttime tech bitch. Now please let me finish my coffee and get the audit done, kthxbye! (VEG)
heheheheh I love my new job
[2009-05-19]
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2.
That I'll feel more sympathetic for your so-called 'problem' when you neep and nop and tell me "I don't want to hold, I was holding for THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES before I got you!" when I tell you you have to be transferred to a specific group to deal with your problem, when we have plenty of people in available and I myself was actually in 'available' for several minutes before the phone queue sent you to me, you self-important lying SOS.
[2007-08-07]
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3.
That I will believe your claim that you're a graphic designer, when you claim you're uploading a .jpg into our simplest online designer and get an 'invalid file type' error because you're actually sending a PDF.
[2007-07-18]
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4.
Re-Pete Misconception:
If you create an order, place it in your shopping cart, walk it through checkout, & then upon completing the order, your not getting an immediate payment confirmation page means your ENTIRE ORDER is lost and must be reordered. Failure of your credit card to go through IMMEDIATELY, for whatever reason, DOES NOT mean your entire order got erased, numbnuts!! $Sheez, I get tired of that. Wherever did that idea come from anyway, it's like "ZOMG! My card didn't go through! I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING AGAIN!!! WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!11" Stupid fish...
[2007-06-11]
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5.
That I give one good damn that you made several incorrect assumptions and now expect us to fit your concepts. If you place an order for something that takes three days to make, AFTER end of business on Tuesday, and you need them for an event Saturday, that I will bend the manufacturing process for you just so your order, which is in the midst of printing, will be rushed to completion and shipped out today, when it's not even printing at the same location as where you're calling, because you read the company name and addressed and ASSUMED you could order anything one day and drop by at your convenience to pick it up the next day, because you live in L.A. and our company name and address is all you need to know. We will NOT bend over backwards to ship YOU one order out of thousands started yesterday and won't be ready until Monday and rush it to you tonight, WHILE IT'S STILL WET FROM PRINTING, because you expect us to adapt to your ideas, and have no fucking capacity for planning accordingly. Stupid nuveau-riche Orange County shitbag....... (evilevilevilevilevileveileveilevelievil)
[2007-05-31]
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6.
That I'll believe you if you tell me you've 'been in computers for 25 years' when you can't tell the difference between a search line and login.
[2007-05-24]
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7.
That 'Manage Orders' & "Find Orders' are one and the same thing.
[2007-05-24]
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8.
"Text Changes" is not the same thing as "(Re)Design"
[2007-05-18]
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9.
That when you are away from your computer is the best time to call and launch a 15 minute 'educate yourself/how-to' discussion on making a design using our Flash Designer...
[2007-05-18]
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10.
That if you know nothing about terms like 'image quality' 'resolution' 'dots per inch' '.jpg' et al, and have not the first clue about them, and you refer to Publisher as simply 'Microsoft' like I'll actually know WHICH 'Microsoft' you're using, that because you're on the road (and away from your computer) until Monday, that now is a good time to call up and discuss them so you can understand them better... $What makes you think you'll have a better clue when you're NOT using your computer since you couldn't get one with a magnet and a barrel of honey when you ARE? Call back when you're at the computer... wait, I take it back... Don't. (/$)
[2007-05-10]
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11.
That if you have a designer drawing up your cards, and they haven't looked into our product specs, that it's better that you, as the end customer, take the info down and relay it in terms you don't understand and translate it accordingly back to your designer, including exact instructions on where the designer needs to go in Photoshop, rather than have them contact us directly, or point them at our File Help page... if your designer needs your assistance in where to set heighth/width/dpi in the application of his choice, well....
[2007-05-07]
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12.
That I will have one frickin' clue about the error you got when you uploaded if you 'don't remembuh' and you 'ain't at the computah right now' b/c your whizzing along in a beater at 90mph, so noisy I can barely hear you over the wind and rattle & hum... Call from yer frakkin' computer, dumbF$ck numbnuts. (Okay, all in favor of assigning IP addresses to cell phones so we can ping them on the fly and lock in on them, say 'aye'...)
[2007-05-04]
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13.
That placing an order for something during a weekend with free shipping will get your order to you the next day.
[2007-05-02]
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14.
That if someone (say a designer) places an order for you, and gives you no information re the order (the better to keep your business and rely upon them), that when you call to find out the status of an order they placed for you, that we can (or WILL) tell you anything about that order, with OR without any information they didn't give you...
[2007-05-02]
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15.
Re-Re-Pete Misconception: Just... Because... It... Worked... Before.... DOESN'T... MEAN... SHIT! Telling me it must be our problem because it worked the last time and demanding to speak to another person you've spoken with before will get you transferred allright... to MR TONE, bitch.
[2007-05-01]
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16.
When you're trying to submit 2 10mb files for a postcard order via dial-up from the sticks of Buffalo (one of your neighbors, perhaps, Shujin? (g)), and the upload's taking forever, that when dialing up from your home system and it's taking forever to upload w/ less than 15 minutes until our daily cutoff for printing, that it's the better course of action to ask about taking a laptop to another area of town w/ better service for 10 of those remaining minutes.... you ain't got the time means YOU AIN'T GOT THE TIME!!! (Okay, that's ONE day down...)
[2007-04-30]
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17.
That if I tell you to close ALL browser windows before walking you through clearing your cache/cookies to fix a submission error, that you should leave the window you're working on open in order to save what you've done... Ah, yes, ladies and gentletechs, welcome to "Monday, Monday..."
[2007-04-23]
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18.
That because our website says our address is in your city (those of you who've seen the site know where), that because we have no 'locations' or 'franchise' page where you can go, that it's safe to assume that we are ONLY right here in sunny SoCal, and that we also Print Only at the address as seen, and that you can therefore, as a self-entitled OC'er/Angelino/other special SoCal type can therefore presume that if you place an order, you can just drop by our corporate offices at your leisure to pick your order up.... (eyes rolling hard enough to spin Earth out of orbit...)
[2007-04-11]
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19.
That if you have someone create a design for you, you must have the application they made your design in on your own computer to submit your design to us via the internet.
[2007-04-02]
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20.
Problem (x) = "I can't use your website, is that what you're saying?" (I LOATHE that phrase...)
[2007-03-30]
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21.
Re-Pete CM: That because 'I'm nto a customer yet' or 'I haven't ordered yet' is a reason to dodge common civilities like answering "May I have your name, please?" or "How can I help you?" Did we ask if you're a customer yet or know? WTF does that have to do w/ anything at this point? We didn't ask. Stopp the f$ck looking for the thidden meaning. When we ask "How may we help you?" how about doing us the courtesy of answering with why you F4cking called... Sheesh!! (Rant off)
[2007-03-28]
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22.
That because it's Saturday, that no one else is calling but you and we can waste 15,30 minutes, an hour, giving you 'How-to 101'.
[2007-03-24]
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23.
That answering a greeting (or upon giving the following, having the question posed, such as "How can I help you?' or "May I have your name please?") w/ "Hello?... Hello?" or "Howyoudointoday?" will deter us from our desired course. Sorry fishie, the harder you try to take call control that way, the harder you'll get snapped back...
[2007-03-24]
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24.
That anything productive will come from calling in re an upload problem if you: a) didn't note the error, b) closed the window and no longer have it uploaded so you can add it to the shopping cart so we can view it, and C) are NO LONGER AT YOUR COMPUTER... (Yeah, we all rehash this almost every day, but $DIETY it's f4cking irksome)
[2007-03-23]
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25.
That it's okay to take an order you're returning to the UPS store w/o the RMA # we gave you... leaving the sheet you wrote it on on your dresser will find you 'standing in the muthaf$ckin' phone booth outside the stop n' go (hehehehehehe) calling us back... (Oh, and our Return/RMA dept is auto-vm...)
[2007-03-16]
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26.
Hanging up in my ear when I tell you we can't both print AND deliver in 24 hours is a viable option. (Rude much?) Next misconception I can disabuese, please?"
[2007-03-15]
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27.
"Page cannot be displayed" = "There's a problem w/ your upload page, can you walke me through doing it the right way?"
[2007-03-14]
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28.
If you haven't called us before, you don't have to give us your name b/c "Oh, I'm not a customer yet, you don't have me in your database, so, you won't find my name anyway..."
[2007-03-14]
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29.
"Server BUSY" = Server DOWN.
[2007-03-14]
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30.
Re-Pete Misconception: That I'll believe you when you say you're a designer, if you ask me things like "What are pixels, anyway?" and "Full Bleed? What does that mean?"
[2007-03-14]
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31.
If I ask "What is your first & last name", that I want an officious pronouncment of your company name. <Did I ASK for your company name, you Vogonic twit?>
[2007-03-13]
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32.
If you choose a black font color on black background.... Don't expect us to see it if you can't....
[2007-03-12]
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33.
That if you want to order cards, but you know nothing about who ordered them, or when, or under what information they logged those orders, let alone HOW they designed them... what makes you think we will? If you dunno Jack... (hehehehehehehe....)
[2007-03-12]
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34.
"I waited SOOO long on hold for you...." = "ZOMG, I GOTTA GET MAH ORDER IN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!! Okay, I'm gonna keep ya hanging like a consultant in the backdrop, bouncin' questions off ya on the fly until I'm 1000% done, I don't care how many other people or holding or if I keep you past your end of shift...." <This is WHY you held so long in the first place, farkwiat shyte for brains!!1>
[2007-03-12]
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35.
That it's worth either our time or yours for you to call up and beef for 30 minutes about being charged for shipping when you chose Free Ground, tell me halfway through that you're RECORDING the call, act like all the other over-inflated, self-important, "much too busy, I'm too important, have too many things to do, my time is worth SSSSSSOOOOOOO much more than yours and everyone else's that I can't afford to hold behind everyone else", and spend 30 minutes about how you can't work w/ our website (because you don't know your way around a computer, friggin' hire somebody to do it for you next time, if you're so important and busy, m0r0oon!!) about how lousy our site, our c/s, and our company is, because it doesn't service you as fast as you think it should. All over $11 in shipping b/c you don't realize that you didn't click the 'remove' link on an old discount.... (which I could have walked him through fixing in 2 minutes, but NOOOOOOOOO....)
[2007-03-08]
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36.
That if you ask a question, and I answer it, that this would be an appropriate time to put me on hold, have someone else pick up, and ask the exact same thing....
[2007-03-08]
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37.
That we'll gladly lump two separate orders together for you to save you shipping costs (especially when you've not only paid for the first one, but placed that order days ago..."Oh sure, we'll be glad to combine the shipping... except that, oh, wait, that order ALREADY SHIPPED....")
[2007-03-08]
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38.
"My credit card hasn't cleared yet" = "ZOMG, NOW I HAVE TO RE-DO MY ENTIRE ORRDEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"
[2007-03-08]
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39.
That I'll believe you when you say you've been doing graphic design on computer for 20+ years when you call up and ask to verify if an e-mail's recv'd.... <If you've been using a computer since the days of MS/DOS, and have been using e-mail since it's availability on a personal computer, you should already know that you can't pick up a phone and just ask anyone on the other end if your e-mail came in, you should F'G well know better!!!>
[2007-03-06]
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40.
That if a N00b doesn't know better than to give out your boss' last name, that it's good to then Google them, do a White or Yellow Pages search for their home (or cell) #s, and then CALL them at home, on a weekend, mis-representing yourself as FROM the company, to get him on the phone and demand he GO DOWN TO THE PLANT and open it up just for you, so you don't have to suffer the inconvenience of waiting for your order to arrive on a delivery truck on Tuesday....
[2007-03-05]
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41.
That if we tell you our server's down temporarily, that it's best to neep and nop about how you held for 30 minutes, you can't call back again later and hold for that long again just because the server's down, you want answers NOW!! And can we call you back when it's up? Well, sure, we'll make all the other people holding wait while we call you. If the server's down, the SERVER is DOWN. Ggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........
[2007-03-02]
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42.
That if you ask me to transfer you to the person whom you were just speaking with, I'll know whom you're talking about even if there are no logs under your name and you didn't catch the name of the previous rep b/c you're an SFI...
[2007-03-02]
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43.
If you're having trouble proofing a file that you've uploaded, and you need assistance troubleshooting why it's not correct, it's best to close out and lose the upload entirely before calling....
[2007-02-27]
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44.
E-mailing a file to our e-mail support unit for troubleshooting means you are actually placing an order via e-mail.
[2007-02-16]
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45.
That if you need to make a change to your design (or your order), it's best to call AFTER the order has already both printed AND shipped. "Yah, I wanna add gloss to my order, but there's a UPS tracking # on it. Does that mean it's printed? Can I still make changes?" <"Junior, When I get you back home, I'm gonna give you a nice Lobotomy" <S&B>
[2007-02-16]
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46.
If I tell you that you cannot guarantee exact color matching (let alone pantone numbering) in the CYMK process, that pretending you suddenly can't hear me, hanging up, and calling back and asking another tech the same question will assure you hear what you want to hear.
[2007-02-16]
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47.
That you can confirm the status of an e-mail by picking up a PHONE....
[2007-02-16]
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48.
If you no longer have/use an e-mail address you once placed an order under, you can no longer order anything ordered under that e-mail address.
[2007-02-14]
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49.
If I can hear you but you can't here me, that you should keep going "I can't hear you!" like I can fix my phone & do something about it.... Hang up and Call back, stupid.
[2007-02-14]
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50.
That if you place an order through our website, and UPS can't deliver it on time b/c of a typographical error on the address you entered, that we will refund your shipping costs for UPS' delay in delivery in verifying the correct address. "Your data entry keyed it in wrong, why should I have to pay for it?" <Don't point a finger, the other four are pointing back at the person who made the typo, dumbass...>
[2007-02-13]
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51.
That if you are a designer, if you erroneously submit a file for a customer with the wrong font type, that you can get a free set of reprints for your customer by blaming us for changing the font type after you submitted the design. We print exactly what you submit means We print EXACTLY what you submit = WE CHANGE NOTHING. We don't make changes to customer designs willy nilly b/c we think 'y typeface' font will print better than 'x script' font. Next time, just submit the right file, and quit trying to con us.
[2007-02-13]
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52.
That Free Ground shipping for a set of prints requiring 72 hours for printing/drying before shipping and ordered only today will deliver first thing Monday Morning, especially when it won't be ready until Friday. ($hell out, tightwad...)
[2007-02-13]
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53.
If you fark up making/saving your design, and pay for an order w/ no saved design, that it's our problem that you didn't contact us re the e-mail we sent you advising you of the problem, and that your order should have printed & shipped (and been delivered) when it's been unable to print for a week (all because you didn't use the 'UPDATE' button you so loudly claimed you did). We can't print somethin' ain't there; and if we e-mail you telling you there's a problem, maybe you should, oh.... ACT ON IT??
[2007-02-13]
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54.
Caller # 3.... If you order a deep blue print from an offset CYMK printer, you should be surprised if a print comes out black or purple. "But it didn't come out this way before!!!"
[2007-02-12]
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55.
If you are a local storefront type printer, and are outsourcing some of your work to us, don't ask if you can send orders (especially those including your client's credit info) by e-mail! (Shouldn't you know better than that?)
[2007-02-12]
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56.
"Can't I just send YOU my files?" No. 1) Graphic Designers do not sit on T1 phone queues. T1 phone reps are not guaranteed to be experienced graphic designers. 2) Expecting to get a graphic designer on the phone, e-mail them a file, and then spend 30 minutes, an hour, or even more going over every detail is NOT something a highly trained, well paid designer is going to do (not to mention, do you REALLY think that any company would allow such? Hey, you e-mail it to an e-mail support group for a reason, ya know...)
[2007-02-12]
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57.
If you send an e-mail to our e-mail support unit on a Monday morning, that you should call ten minutes later asking why no reply. ESPECIALLY on a Monday, when that dept hasn't been open since Friday pm....
[2007-02-12]
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58.
As the day begins, so it ends. 45 minutes, 30 minutes of it trying to make simple SF understand he cannot use Safari on our site b/c of it's proprietary nature (tho, I WAS able to convince this one to use FF, which worked for uploading right out of the batters' box...). Why is it so blessed hard for some to forsake Safari for Firefox?
[2007-02-12]
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59.
That I will believe you if you tell me you're a server administrator and you've never seen servers act like ours when your upload stalls in mid-process and you call to tell me "I've used your service many times and I've never had this happen before! It's always worked before!" Servers get upgraded (and taken offline to be upgraded), site performance slows down. The remaining servers get overloaded, performance slows down. If you're a server admin, I'm Sir Billious of Gate$.
[2007-02-09]
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60.
If I tell you the servier is busy/overloaded/down, that means you should keep harping on the file specs as the problem. The server is down, troubleshooting the file won't help, there are 10k other people holding waiting to neep about the same thing, let us get on with it and clear this queue already.
[2007-02-09]
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61.
That' I'll believe you if you tell me you haven't clicked 'Submit Order' when your payment has already cleared.
[2007-02-09]
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62.
That because our company name is (synonymous with Next Day) Printers, that if you choose to ship your order via UPS Ground that we will MAKE UPS deliver it to you in ONE day...
[2007-02-07]
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63.
I'm sick of this misconception: "If I upload a file to you via the internet, I can then open my file on your website, change it, and save it on your website..." <No, no, infinite x NO!! Open the fargin' original, from WHEREVER you fargin' uploaded it from the first time, change IT, and upload it. You can't open something you uploaded to our site on our site in the app you made it in and change it! It CAN'T... BE... DONE. ANYWHERE. (I've asked it before, Where the Fark did this idea you can open, edit, and save something on a web or FTP server you previously uploaded it to come from? You preview it, it's downloading back to your cache, and opening in the app on your machine. You can't open it from our server and save it again on our website. No website I know of can do this. I wish our spoiled brat SoCal customers would realize we're an e-tail printer, and we do NOT operate like a storefront digital printer, and have nothing in common with same, except the product. <Rant off>
[2007-02-07]
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64.
I tried to resist (I often post too much, I know...), but I couldn't:
1) If your designer uploads your designs to our website, it makes perfect sense for you to have a supervisor carry your order over to a brand new one and walk it through the checkout for you to submit your cc, all b/c your designer didn't stop to realize that your order CAN'T be paid for by you until he walks it from the cart to the point in the checkout where your e-mail addy is saved to your order. Until then, ONLY YOUR DESIGNER can do anything. (Like we care how important you are. Just get him on the phone and tell him he needs to pick up where he left off.
2) The words 'Upload a FINISHED design' means you can then, from the quantity selection page or shopping cart, port your uploaded BACKGROUNDS into one of our online designers and add text to it. Obviously, FINISHED isn't a word you've heard before.
(There. Two calls in one post, only -5 pts hahahahaha) :P
[2007-02-06]
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65.
Egads, they all come out after lunch.) If a print requires 72 hours to print & dry, paying more for upgraded SHIPPING will also allow the printing requirement to be upgraded from 72 hours to 24. (Sure, let me get those right out to you. I hope you like wet prints and wasting $$...)
[2007-02-06]
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66.
That "My Credit Card didn't go through" = "OMFG, I'm gonna have to re-create my entire order."
[2007-02-02]
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67.
That you can expect me to be sympathetic to your plight if you need to reorder cards (AND make changes to the design which you submitted to us as a finished file), if after first interrupting me during my intro and not wishing to provide me any information, you then cop an attitude when I ask you for specific information regarding said order you wish to RE-order, such as the order # of said order, or the phone # or e-mail addy it was placed under, or when it was placed. Find the info out, THEN call. Otherwise, don't waste our time.
[2007-01-30]
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68.
That choosing UPS' "3 Day Select" option for shipping means your order will be at your door three days from the time you place the order...." <Shipping time is SHIPPING TIME ONLY!!! It is NOT inclusive of printing & shipping together!!! WTF is wrong w/ these people? <Don't answer tha, you know it's rehtoricla...>
[2007-01-30]
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69.
That when I ask you "What was the e-mail address the order was placed under?", that means give me what e-mail address you want on the next order, or any other e-mail address other than that which was used for your 'login'...
[2007-01-30]
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70.
That because our company name is <name removed>, that you can take that company name LITERALLY... "I ordered this yesterday, why isn't it here?" Oh, shut up....
[2007-01-29]
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71.
That because you once received an reply to an e-mail to us less than 30 minutes after you sent, means that you're entitled to have all replies in that same time. Get in the back of the line, you're e-mail's still ahead of you...
[2007-01-26]
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72.
An online printing company (such as our client) will not only be well up on their online competition for products we don't make (true dat), but also have a database of local companies we can refer you to in your area....
[2007-01-24]
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73.
If you have no clue how to unzip a file on either the Mac or a PC, and have no clue what WinZip is (or even recognize the name), that calling your designer for assistance in understanding me will help...
[2007-01-19]
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74.
That telling me you have a different version of Publisher/Photoshop/Illustrator/etc than you said one minute ago will convince me to turnaround and walk you through redoing your file. Get your story straight...
[2007-01-19]
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75.
The words "May I have your first & last name" means I'm asking who you're calling for, your order number, who placed the order for you, your company name, or if you do or don't have an account with us. Did I ask for any of that? Getting a name these days is like getting a Dell Service Tag... (hey, there's an Me-POTD if I've ever thought one up...)
[2007-01-19]
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76.
That once you have uploaded a file to us, that you, as the designer, believe that we, the printer, the FTP site, can open your pre-conceieved designs online & edit them for you.... <That's it, Quittin' Time; I've had E-NUFF for one week!!>
[2007-01-19]
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77.
That if you place something in your shopping cart (on any given e-commerce site), that you can relay the order # to someone else and they can pull that order up from their system.
[2007-01-17]
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78.
If I say "You will see a proof of your design as soon as you upload it", this ACTUALLY means that: 1) You DON'T see what you upload when it's done uploading, and 2), we send you an e-mail of what you loaded AFTER the print job has begun. Sure, fishie, we're gonna place your print w/o your being able to see what you've sent us, and all the legal issues doing so would entail... Screw Otis (no offense, vt), but, where the fark is Gary Mitchell when you need him?
[2007-01-09]
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79.
That if your design is not ready to submit, you can still place an order for an undesignated item OVER THE PHONE and then return and submit the design via the internet later
[2006-12-28]
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80.
If you have a typo on an order and you want a discount for that error you made, that we will gladly give you a discount on a future order for something that's your fault a YEAR after you placed the order...
[2006-12-28]
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81.
MS Paint is a graphic design program.
[2006-12-21]
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82.
That because our credit card servers had a problem this morning, that we will gladly break our policy of 'no payments by phone' and take your cc while you are away from your computer and unable to complete the order which is STILL only in your browser cache... GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[2006-12-19]
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83.
That we are going to make an exception for you if you didn't choose the right shipping method b/c you didn't take into account that UPS quoted shipping times are ONLY UPS SHIPPING TIMES, and are NOT our quote for total order turnaround from beginning of printing to delivery. (Rather, we may make an exception OF You...)
[2006-12-13]
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84.
That we have nothing better to do w/ our time than stand by on the phone w/ you while you mess around editing files for 10-20 minutes at a time or waiting with you while you upload a multi-megabyte file that takes excessive time to submit while you dink around doing nothing and waste our time.
[2006-12-12]
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85.
Customer Service/Technical Support Rep for a printing company = Graphic Design Expert.
[2006-12-12]
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86.
Offset Printing can print with Digital standards (RGB, PANTONE, ETC.)
[2006-12-12]
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87.
That when our servers are either bottlenecked with an excess of orders or completely down, that we will MANUALLY bypass our pre-programmed end of business cutoff JUST FOR YOU because you didn't plan ahead and HAVE to have your prints run tonight so they can ship pirority air and you can have them them yesterday... Plan ahead next time! You expected anything less this time of year?
[2006-12-12]
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88.
That when you send an e-mail, ANYONE other than the intended recipient can confirm it was received....
[2006-12-08]
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89.
That if we are a printing co based somewhere in SoCal, that we operate as a small storefront in SoCal and print only in SoCal only for SoCal customers, and can be dropped by at will.... why the frick frack is 'NATIONWIDE' so hard to understand? <Don't answer that, you know it's rhetorical...>
[2006-12-08]
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90.
If we say we're having a temporary server problem (due to bottleneck/overload
at peak times), that it's wise to even ASK "So, should I just wait for it to finish?"
Gimme th' bat!
[2006-12-08]
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91.
If you make a brand new design on our website, you can then use IT as a template for other similar designs on the same order...
Gimme the bat, coded URGENT!!!
[2006-12-08]
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92.
I've said it before, I'll say it again (and probably again somehwere down the road)... "Sir/Madam/Other: You CAN NOT open a file and edit it on the internet! You cannot click on a file open it in <insert application here> and then EDIT IT on our (or any other) website!" <Where the F did this concept of opening/editing a file AFTER upload freakin' come from, anyway?)
[2006-11-09]
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93.
That if you're tired of holding because there are so many people ahead of you in the queue... that if you hang up and call back, after holding for us for (x) amount of time AGAIN (after doing so in our queue the first time and being transferred to the next level queue and holding THERE)... that we will feel sorry for you and GLADLY transfer you to the FRONT of the line.... (You'd think these SF would remember "Hey! NO CUTS!!")
[2006-10-27]
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94.
If you are trying to submit artwork to an online printing company, that you can place the order by just PICKING UP THE DAMN PHONE... "How you gonna get your artwork submitted? <SMACK> How?" <Take-off on Dean Martin & Sammy Davis in Cannonball Run> (WhadaIllooklike, freakin' Brainiac, I can through the phone tele-fuckin'-pathically capture your freakin' design and process it, heah? SHEEEEEZZZZ!!!!)
[2006-10-18]
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95.
That we can give you a shipipng cost quote without ANY INFORMATION WHATSOEVER about what you're ordering or where it's going. If you don't want to GIVE info, we CAN'T provide answers (let alone ACCURATE ONES.....) T...G...I...FREAKIN' F...
[2006-10-06]
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96.
That if it's LATE at night, and you're up, DESPERATELY trying to place an order that WILL NOT print until tomorrow evening at the earliest, that if (or when) you can't reach a tech (b/c they're on the phone w/ some other desperate luser at thet $Diety-forsaken hour), that it seems wise to send an e-mail of your order to us (especially when our TOS page states we DO NOT take orders by e-mail), INCLUDING YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION.... (I mean, WTF? WHO thinks it could POSSIBLY be intelligent business sense to send sensitive financial and personal information via E-MAIL????)
[2006-10-04]
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97.
If you don't read the 'Terms and Conditions' page on the website... we will cut you slack (AND upgrade your shipping for free) for telling your customer 'It'll be here Monday' when you order it w/ UPS Ground shipping on FRIDAY EVENING.... <And this was just the FIRST call of the day...>
[2006-10-02]
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98.
An e-commerce based website can, may, and WILL save 'work in progress' that you may return to and pick up from where you left off... without inputting any pertinent info that may allow you to retrieve what you've created from our already overworked storage/sales/imaging servers. If you want it, buy it. Don't start what you can't finish.
[2006-10-02]
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99.
More of a Salesperson Misconception: If you call our company's customer service/tech support line to cold generate a lead for yourself to sell a certain product which we buy by the ton daily, (and we are undoubtedly NOT in the market to chainge suppliers, not that you know this), we will gladly give you the names of individuals in purchasing... (Cold Calling Sales: Do you REALLY think people who sit taking incoming calls are so dumb that we don't know how to brush off someone who can't think of a better way to gather intel on your intended target than cold call an inbound call center?)
[2006-09-06]
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100.
If you send an e-mail to a certain address within a domain, that b/c the e-mail addy is set up as a 'general' inbox, ANYONE w/in the company who has e-mail access can VIEW said e-mail, LET ALONE find out what tech was assigned to handle it's request, and status of same...
[2006-08-21]
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101.
If you send an e-mail to our support e-mail addy during LATE weekend hours (read: SUNDAY AFTERNOON), that you will receive a reply from said group within a few minutes, despite the fact that their working hours are CLEARLY posted on the website on the 'Contact Us' page, let alone that we will deign to reply to you ahead of the several THOUSAND other requests in said weekend's backlog...
[2006-08-21]
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102.
If you can upload a file (say, oh, a pic) to a website, you may then OPEN said file on our website and only THEN make changes to it... "Do you open and edit files you submit to other hosting sites?" Stupid SF...
[2006-08-21]
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103.
That if I tell you we have no database of logo files for our customers (say, oh, the realtor's "R" logo, NOT to be confused the the "R" signifying a registred trademark), that you can find said logo in our database of BACKGROUNDS... Logo = Background? <rolling eyes here>
[2006-08-21]
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104.
That b/c we are a printing co., that you can upload your pics to our website and THEN edit them...
(Seriously!) Well, Hello, Starfish! Can you open up a photo after you've uploaded it somewhere else? Can you go to a website full of image content and then EDIT a photo online? Get over it!!!)
[2006-06-06]
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105.
That if we say your brochure can take up to 5-7 days to arrive, once it's in the mail, it means that, only four days after you last called and spoke to me, that you can complain 'it's not here yet!" I said FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS! NOT FOUR!!! It's the holidays, it takes a day, perhaps two, to even get out of the mailroom, and there was a weekend in there somewhere. Fa'fucks sake, shut up & use the website already! (No, I take that back, that would make my job, not to mention other techs' jobs, that much harder & full of starfishiness.... Just find something to amuse yourself with until it gets there....) "Sure, we'll put another one in the mail today. It'll get there... somewhwere around next Christmas..."
[2004-12-20]
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106.
That if you don't even know who your health plan is, we'll still know everything about you and your coverage (even if we're an entirely different company and you didn't bother to RTFB and called the first # you saw).
[2004-11-30]
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107.
That we, who "For CHIROPRACTIC, Press 1", "For ACUPUNCTURE, Press 2", or "For MASSAGE Therapy, Press 3", would know the telephone # of your DERMATOLOGIST... (Did you hear that option in our recording, fishie? No? Well, maybe if you listened, you STILL wouldn't have heard it... need a clue x 4 or two?)
[2004-11-29]
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108.
That we will re-authroize your box when you 've let your bill slide for three months and you're now auto=discon for NP. (Be honest, starfishy. If you can't pay the bill, make some arrangements. Otherwise, when the time comes, you're IT.)
(God, I hate when you get 20+ of those calls after 11PM at the end of the billing cycle....
[2004-09-07]
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109.
I directed a customer to change the channel... 'How do I do that?" If you don't konw how to change the channel...
[2004-08-16]
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110.
A digital box that shuts itself off at the onset of reboot WILL turn itself back on. (You still have to press the power button when it's done, farkwit!)
[2004-08-09]
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111.
Technical support can not only send you a copy of the invoice, we can send you a copy of the invoice when you purchased our computer through a reseller.
[2002-05-09]
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112.
That adding a cd burning application to a system without a rewriter drive will automatically turn a cd-rom into a rewriter.
[2002-03-21]
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113.
The Windows XP COA PID and the OFFICE COA PID are the same thing, and entering the Windows PID in the OFFICE PID field, or vice versa, will still be accepted. "I put in the PID I found on the COA on the side of the computer, so why isn't Word accepting it?" (Say that again, and tell me if that sounds right to you, please, sir).
[2002-03-21]
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114.
That technical support, because we naturally have to be customer oriented, can handle customer service issues such as returns and refunds.
[2002-01-21]
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115.
Two words: Microsoft EXPOSURE!
[2002-01-14]
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116.
Customer needs support for a device, and calls software support.
[2001-12-06]
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117.
That upgrading AOL to the latest version as soon as it comes out will not bring down your OS. (Especially if you're using Win95/8 and you want to use 7.0)
[2001-12-06]
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118.
That Sales will tell the truth.
[2001-12-06]
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Tech Rules
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1.
This says it all:
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/funny-pictures-so-smart.jpg
[2011-09-07]
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2.
Today's Zits strip seems pretty apt:
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a243/sdjdish/105661.gif
ANYTHING rather than do tech support for the family! (Even something that's FUN!) ;P
[2009-12-20]
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3.
If you are in a rush and are having problems submitting a file, for the FUCKING LOVE OF $DEITY, DO NOT INTERRUPT AND FUCKING COMPLAIN THAT YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME AND THAT THE STEPS I AM WALKING YOU THROUGH TO PURUSE ALL OPTIONS AVAILABLE TO GET YOUR DAMNED FILE UPLOADED MEAN NOTHING TO YOU AND YOU NEED ME TO FIX IT ALREADY, I'M GOD-DAMNED WELL DOING PRECISELY THAT AND YOU FUCKING NEED TO FUCKING SHUT UP AND FUCKING LISTEN IF YOU WANT TO GET THE FUCKING JOB DONE ON FUCKING TIME!!!! Complaining that you have no clue and it's not helping means nothing when I know damned well how to fix the problem and what we're doing WILL FUCKING FIX IT IF YOU'LL FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT HOW WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!! I'm running out of time until end of the day and I don't want to be on the phone with you past five, either so just STFU or GTFOMP, you mindless ingorant waste of flesh!! SHHEEEZZZZ!!!!!! Okay, (/Rant Off)
[2007-09-06]
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4.
Don't call us asking what to do if you don't even have the first F4cking clue as to what you want on your cards, and then ask us how to go about making them. We can't help you when you don't even have the first clue what you want.
[2007-08-14]
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5.
When I give you $detailed instructions on how to do something, don't keep asking "How do I do that?"
[2007-08-09]
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6.
Don't expect anything but a Klingon-like politeness covering up mockery and condescencion when you call up neeping about how your order's taking so long when you placed an order to ship to L.A. by UPS GROUND after I specifically told you the day your ordered that 1) We don't guarantee where your order will come from and 2) that if you wanted it on Monday you needed to select anything OTHER THAN Ground. I have no sympathy for those neep at me after you don't listen to what I tell you.
[2007-08-02]
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7.
If you MUST call for assistance floundering through failing to describe your problem uploading, flailing about trying to send a file 'that's opening in Adobe WinZip Illustrator', and waste 15 minutes of my time doing something I'd be far better off remoting in and doing for you if it were allowed; don't call while you're in line to order lunch at Taco Bell, and ask me to hold first.... (Tho, I should be glad she wasn't calling from her car at the drive thru...)
[2007-07-05]
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8.
Re-Pete Rule (directed at the fish on my phone at this very moment): I don't give a damn how important your other call is, if you call up for support, do NOT leave us hanging while you chat with your buddies about where you're going to chase tail after work. I'm not here to sit waiting for you while you f$ck around, other people are waiting here, too, while you're wasting my time. Get off your phone, or get off MY phone.
[2007-05-31]
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9.
On the Friday before a 3 ady holiday weekend:
Count on your fishie callers to be the stupidest of them all, the ones with an nth of a clue have all taken the day off & in their egoism gratefully found something better to do with their time; but leaving us with the worst of the worst of the clueless calling as heavily as the rest of them any other day... $WTF happened to having a 'semi' quiet Friday before a 3 day weekend? I swear, these people don't have a damn clue they should be starting their weekend already...
[2007-05-25]
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10.
If you're so self-important you have to put your secretary on the phone to hold while you wait for us to take your call, don't have her 'hold for so-and-so' and then put her on the computer to tell her what to type in. Either let her do ALL the work, or DO IT YOURSELF. (I hate these egoist self-importantes that are too busy to be bothered, but have to command the whole call like a battlefield general... "Phone rep to typist, come in, please..."
[2007-05-24]
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11.
Beware the call that opens... "Yeah, I gotz this document..."
[2007-05-24]
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12.
Much as we enjoy reading TSC, don't read it while logged onto the phone. (You may open your mouth to give your intro, and say what you're thinking...) The story is: reading http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=67569 , BEEP "One click--- ahem Thank You for calling (yada yada...) I couldn't keep the bemusement at my slip out of my voice, fortunately, she was amused, too... o_O
[2007-05-18]
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13.
Addendum to 'Be At the Computer': Do NOT use the one at the counter, where you have it sitting next to the cash register, where a line of customers is waiting for you to help them. Delegate, or use a computer not in your immediate service area. I don't mind helping you, but I DO mind holding for 10 minutes waiting for you to ring up your customers. Call back when it's not so busy.
[2007-05-07]
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14.
To all SF: QUIT ASKING if I got your e-mail. If you didn't address it to me, personally, the answer is.... (drum roll, please...) (b) NO!!! (/b) Someone assigned to the inbox will delete your messge in the order it was received. You don't e-mail phone support, and you don't phone e-mail support. STFU and GTFOMP already, m0r0nf15h...
[2007-05-02]
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15.
Two Re-Pete rules for Monday:
1) Do NOT call for problems with an error you can't recall and can't re-create b/c you're NOT AT YOUR COMPUTER.... and, 2) If I tell you we cannot take an order for your design by phone and make it for you, don't keep asking if you can. You CAN'T order a design over the phone like you call Domino's for a pizza!!! (Anybody got a cigarette? Sheesh!)
[2007-04-30]
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16.
You know it's going to be one of those days when: 1) Your first call of the day is a nimrod beyotch who hasn't the brains to remember she didn't design her cards online & doesn't understand why she can't re-open the design online, AND keeps neeping she can't hear you, 2)the second is a SFI who can't understand the difference between NDA-SAVER and NDA-SATURDAY, and 3).... out of nowhere, while in between calls, you suddenly think you've another call, and give your opening spiel.... to the hold music! (roll eyes)
[2007-04-26]
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17.
Re-Pete Rule: If you want a designer to submit your order for you, b/c you 'don't know nuthin' about uploadin' & shyte', and can't deal with the simple process of downloading an attachment and uploading again, but wish to pay for it online; DON'T... HANG... UP.... WHEN... I... TELL... YOU... HOW... the designer must save the order. All you'll get from me is a horselaugh when you call back and neep about how you can't access the cart b/c he just plunked it in there and left it there for you... "I tried to tell you; but you would not listen..." (/Valeris) ($Diety my head hurst todayy....)
[2007-04-24]
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18.
We don't give a F$cking damn about how much in a rush you are. If you call us for help, be prepared to spend the time necessary to answer your questions, and don't cop a 'tude about it taking more than 1 second to calculate shipping when it takes as much effort as bleeding a stone to get information from you to answer the question you posed. If it's not important enough to spend the time it takes, well then... F$CK OFF.
[2007-04-19]
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19.
Id10cy will unfortunately remain supreme, even in the face of disaster. Space Shuttles blow up, and gomers still need to buy boots and jewelry. People who've finally snapped go on killing sprees, and SF will still call for support in uploading a file they don't understand why it failed when they're not at the computer and have not the first trace of memory of what happened at the time, they're speeding off behind the wheel to somewhere else and yakking at us on their cell phone, on the verge of creating the next catastrophe while they're driving like ID10Ts. I guarantee you: one day, the skies will open, $diety will come back to earth in all His glory, and meanwhile, some stupid SF will be calling for assistance w/ fixing his incompatible video driver issue w/ Windows Mesa while he's on his cell phone driving like a bat outta hell from the light in the sky. "I can see it now: "Hey, come back here! You can't go to (Heaven/Eden/Valhalla/The FSM's cosmic domain/wherever) yet, you haven't finished with ME yet!!!"
[2007-04-16]
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20.
Dead giveaway your caller is a 'test caller' yanking your chain (since they won't tell you they're a test caller, even when they're supposed to): They don't say "Thanks for your help", they say "Thanks for your TIME."
[2007-04-16]
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21.
Re-Pete rule (that none of us can stress enough)... if there is a problem with your computer... if there is an error doing something/uploading something/or b/c your system is just FUBARed and you don't know why... if you're getting conflicting stories aobut how your design should be oriented when you upload or how you must orient it before uploading, and I ask you to add it to the cart so I/we can see it... DON'T tell us you're not at the computer, and you'll have to do it an call back. (Rather, do... just BE AT the computer when you call... oh, nevermind, if you're not at the computer, well, what do I care, the call will be that much shorter (eg)...
[2007-04-11]
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22.
If I tell you we're not compatible (yet) w/ IE7, and you're too important and too busy w/ 10k other things to stop and pay attention to the matter of some importance to why you called me, cut off any warnings about continuing on in your present state of ineptitude, or how to fix this problem... DON'T come neeping back to me when you still can't get any farther to getting your order done. All you'll hear from me is "I tried to tell you; but you couldn't listen..."
[2007-04-06]
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23.
I end our Friday on the follow note:
There is only one word to truly describe the
uber-a$$hole phonetard SFI we have all endured this week,
with their interrupting and not listening and total
disregard for any attempt to help them:
VOGONS.
TGIF, everybody!
[2007-04-06]
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24.
Don't neep about how long you held, interrupt every question while I'm trying to give an answer, and then hang up in the middle of my telling you what the problem is. If you want help, LET US DO WHAT YOU CALLED US FOR. If you can't do this, GTFOMP, FOAD, and DCB. Ever. Doing so will find you blacklisted from your last fishierude hangup.
[2007-04-05]
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25.
You know you're getting in a rut when things are so automatic, that you enter your phone login as the front door security code...
[2007-03-28]
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26.
Don't ask about getting a paper proof if you claim to 'understand' the difference between digital & industrial offset printers and the shipping issues involved, you should already know why we can't. Trying to cut me off when I explain why after you asked is only more proof you don't know sh1t...
[2007-03-26]
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27.
If you MUST call about a problem file, and are an SFI, to boot; at least have the decency to call from, oh, a quiet office, and not THE NOISY FACTORY FLOOR!!! <M0r0n<
[2007-03-13]
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28.
Re-Pete Rule: If you need assistance troubleshooting a file... Call from your $deity-damned computer!! When you are calling from BEHIND THE F$CKING WHEEL is NOT the time to call about how you can't get your file to upload... (stupid motherf$cking ID10T Starfishicus Interruptus...)
[2007-03-13]
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29.
Re-Pete rule: If you MUST be a Starfishicus Interruptus... STFU when you're asked a question. Going "Helloooo! Is anybody there?" (Happened 2x in 3.25 hours so far...), is only going to SEVERELY pi$$ us off and warrant you a transfer to Mr. Tone. Maybe if you'd let us get a word in edgewise, we'd answer! You think we'll interrupted and talk over you because that's the way you ar? STFU, HTFU, AND GTFOMP, MF!!!! (I'm having a REALLY bad day... )
[2007-03-01]
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30.
OK, I've heard it all now. We've all had them call from behind the wheel, I've posted about the SF who called for support working on a design while getting on an airplane and had to be all but stripped of his cellphone for takeoff. If Tech Rule 1A is "Don't call from behind the wheel", I present to you Rule 1B: Don't call from an airliner at 35000 feet to reorder prints, ESPECIALLY if your laptop was checked through...
[2007-02-23]
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31.
Cliche, but true: "ASSUmptions make an a$$ of you (but not me). If you ASSUME that all our prints are done in one day, don't inform your self (either by RTFFAQ or calling us up and, oh, ASKING, and you order with Ground with Priority printing, that Priority printing will change a set of prints requiring three days into "ZOMG! HURRY THESE UP!!" 3 days to print means THREE DAYS. Priority printing won't make these dry any faster. GET OVER IT. Poor planning makes no emergency on my part. Try informing yourself before setting out next time, and maybe you won't smack into the wall while flying blind as a bat.
[2007-02-16]
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32.
Beware VoIP. (I'm really getting to hate it...) Aside from the quality issues (or, rather, becaues of them), you have to speeeakk... slllooowwwly.... and EEE-NUN-CEEE-ATE... EVV-ERRR-YYY SYLLL---ABB-BBULLL LII-KE YOOOO ARRR SPEEE-KIINGG TOOOO AAAAAYYY SLLOOOWWW CHIII-ULLD TOOO BEEEEE UNNN-DDEERRRR-STOOOOODDDD..... Arrrrrggggggghhhhhh....
[2007-02-12]
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33.
You know it's going to be one of those days when the first call goes like this:
Me: "Thank you for calling <Next Day> Printers, This is MadJack, may I have your first & last name, please?" SF: "Yiss, I vould like to reqvest you send me some samples..." Me: "I'd be happy to assist you with that, however, we are unable to take sample or actual orders by phone, I can assist you with placing your sampel order through our website...." SF: "If I wanted to place the order through the website, I would use the computer! If this is your kind of customer service, I'll take my business elsewhere." <CLICK>
Well, FARK YOU TOO, BEYOTCH.
[2007-02-09]
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34.
If you want to use a particular color for your design, and need to ask how to choose/design this color and what application to do it in... Call A Designer!!! You have no business trying it yourself if you haven't the first clue.
[2007-02-09]
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35.
If you have the balls to call up and ask stupid questions (such as those just previously posted, DO NOT ask me to 'hang on a sec', leave the line open, and go take other calls, and leave us hanging (especially if you're going to slam us to your friends b/c you can't change an order already in progress. The penalty for this is a transfer to Mr. Tone with no prior warning or obligatory waiting time priro to doing so.
[2007-02-09]
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36.
If you say you're familiar w/ how e-tailers/e-commerce sites work... I shouldn't have to explain to you how to 'Add More Products', that the shipping charge will be once charge, not THREE charges. One shopping cart does not = 3 orders/3 shipments. One cart = one order = one shipping charge = one shipping address = one shipment.
[2007-02-09]
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37.
If you can't read simple, plain instructions posted in clear language on our website, you have no business using our site, much less making an order with us. PEBCAK error, step away from the computer, NOW.
[2007-02-07]
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38.
If the meaning of 'Add More Products' is beyond your compreshension.... you make my head hurt. Don't bother getting up, just please hold still, the phone cord will come to you... (eg)
[2007-02-07]
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39.
The only SF worse than an SFI who won't shut up, won't listen, beyothces and moans about hold times, and doesn't want to be transferred.... is one you CAN'T transfer, b/c the transfer function has decided to go on the fritz. (And you can't hang up... for more than one reason...)
[2007-02-07]
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40.
We should get job-related disability for when our SF finally make us deaf once and for all. "We don't support IE7..." <SLAM!!> <CLICK!!!!> <CRACK!!!> Ouch, my farking eardrum; thanks a farking lot, A$$fish...
[2007-01-30]
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41.
Amazaing, how a customer who has not the first idea how to begin creating a simple business card online suddenly knows how to place an order when you tell them that you cannot step them through the process when you don't know what they want, how they want it to appear, etc... "Baby step you through a potentially 2 hour process, can I please? No? Oh, I get it..."
[2007-01-25]
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42.
If you're a teacher, the time to call for cs/ts is NOT right before class, with an infinite number of kids in the background....
[2007-01-24]
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43.
At some point in your phone support career, your response to the 'beep' in your ear will become SO pavlovian... that you will reach for the 'mute' button to unmute & take the call... and w/o even thinking, re-enter your login & pw... (fortunately, it put me back in queue again....)
[2007-01-19]
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44.
You know it's going to be one of those weeks when the first call on Monday begins w/ the following response to your intro: "I WANNA TALK TO A SUPERVISOR!!"
[2007-01-15]
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45.
If you're having a problem uploading, the time to call is WHEN YOU'RE AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER!!! (Sorry, rant off). The fact that you tell me you've changed nothing since your last upload means jackshyte to us. Something on that box is preventing file transmission, and calling from your cell phone while you're behind the wheel is going to be of absolutely NO help whatsoever, and if you're as truly tech-savyy as you claim to be, Fishie, you'd already KNOW that....
[2007-01-10]
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46.
The closer the holiday gets, the ruder the gomers get.
[2006-12-18]
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47.
The gomers know: the time for a Kling-on type customer to call is five minutes before the end of your shift....
[2006-12-18]
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48.
If you call, act like a Starfishicus Interruptus (rudely interrupt a greeting with your question), and grudgingly give your name when politely asked (more than once), DO NOT.... Hang the hell up in the middle of your answer. To do so will result in a penalty of your file being noted for future blacklisting as a rude and undesireable customer. (Maybe you shoulda been rude enough to ignore the request(s) for your name so we couldn't notate your file accordingly, and been rude enough to justify OUR hanging up on YOU. ("We WILL terminate this call!!)
[2006-11-08]
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49.
DO NOT... ask a tech (with or w/o a migraine) "How are you doing?" (Trust us... Do you REALLY want the truth?
[2006-11-07]
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50.
If you call (any) cs/tech line and are subjected to average/above average hold times, DO NOT be on a conference call, and expect us to hold for you. The penalty is: Transfer! (Preferably to Mr. D. Tone).
[2006-11-06]
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51.
You know it's going to be a bad day.... when your first call of the day is a Relay/TTY call that will take 20 minutes to answer what should normally be a two minute call...
[2006-10-25]
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52.
(To Employers)... If a customer shifts their entire call load down to your dept on Friday afternoon, and routes all calls through your dept first....
DO NOT run out of coffee on Monday morning and forget to re-order!!!
(Permanent call spike... NO CAFFEINE!!!!! HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
[2006-10-10]
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53.
I've said it b4, & I'll say it again: "If you can't figure out how to click "Add More Products" to continue shopping when it's only RIGHT NEXT to "Continue Checkout".... I can't help you. NO ONE can help you. Now, Press the damned Red Button, already! <EG>
[2006-09-13]
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54.
I've said it b4, & I'll say it again: "If you can't figure out how to click "Add More Products" to continue shopping when it's only RIGHT NEXT to "Continue Checkout".... I can't help you. NO ONE can help you. Now, Press the damned Red Button, already! <EG>
[2006-09-13]
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55.
If you INSIST on calling for support from your cell phone while you are NOWHERE near your computer; for the love of all that's good, DON'T call while you're getting on an airplane, ESPECIALLY if you're boarding in the open while the engines are spinning up!!! <Seriously! Gomer in New York wanted to go over file types, upload procedures, printing turnaround, shipping & handling, while he proceeded from a gate at Newark onto his plane, and was assigned to a seat that must have been RIGHT by an inboard loudspeaker. I could CLEARLY hear the pre-flight annoucements, and he kept right on until a flight attendant had to ORDER him to hang up and turn off his cell phone, despite my subtle (and not so subtle) hints that he needed to be at his PC, and wasn't going to be able to get his laptop out and running until they reached cruising altitude. And his design wasn't even anywhere NEAR ready...) <rolling eyes>
[2006-06-20]
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56.
When it is 'open enrollment' season, and you (and 10 million of your fellow SF) just got your mailer about next year's plan, do NOT bitch at us that Kitchen Patrol's website isn't working b/c you all decided to hit it at once and DDOS it. It's NOT our website... you ALREADY DDOS'ed it... Bad enough to hear you beyotch about OUR website... did you hear me say tech support in my intro? No? Well, shaddupabboudit already!!!!! Two big players down, only a zillion more to go...
[2004-12-15]
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57.
When you have trouble accessing our website through a link from your health plan's website, don't complain that their links to our site look like they haven't been changed since Y2K and we should update them... 'Is this website ours, or Big Cheese's? Big Cheese's? Well, d'ya think our webguys have nothing better to do than nitpick companies' websites? They're a little too busy trying to add all the other stuff you keep asking for...)
[2004-11-29]
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58.
When you're setting up an existing internet account of any kind (Cable, DSL, or Dial), CALL YOUR ISP! Your OEM cannot help you.
[2002-04-15]
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59.
If you're missing a cable that came with your computer, don't call software support. We can't help you with your hardware, no matter how much we'd like to. (NOT!)
[2002-04-15]
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60.
If I ask you for your Service Tag, and you say you don't have one; PLEASE!!!! DON'T interrupt me with it while I'm showing you where to find it. You didn't know what it was two seconds ago; don't presume that you know what it is now.
[2002-04-15]
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61.
If you've called 10 times wanting to change your OS, and your platform doesn't support it, either change the box out while you still have time or JUST DEAL WITH IT. Keeping on calling over and over is NOT going to get you greased, Mr/Mrs/Ms SqueakyWheel.
[2002-04-15]
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62.
It can't be said enough: If you call us up, and you get called away, that's you're own tough luck. Do NOT put us on hold. You don't know when we'll answer, and if we hear hold music, we will disconnect you.
[2002-04-02]
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Customer Types
1.
Do it MY way
This kind doesn't care that everything they need to know to submit an order & call to have eyeballed this end is already on the website, they INSIST on having it handled THEIR way, even though a much better way is being offered, but their closed-minded "You will proceed as I dictate, not how it works best for YOU."
$Gddamned matherf$cking jerkoff calls in, wants a quote and a critique on a b/w PDF. I advise how he can upload the file so someone can eyeball it with him right here and now, and it's "If I can't e-mail it in, you obviously can't do this MY WAY. I'll take my business elsewhere then." Right, then, good luck with that, you Stupid, Ignorant, Egotistic backwater excuse for a Neuveau-Riche Orange County addle-pated airbraned f$cknugget excuse for a waste of flesh . Do it the hard way. Do it the long way. Ignorant shit.
[2007-08-27]
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2.
Am I uploading wrong somehow?
This type doesn't understand that once you click 'Upload', there's nothing you can do but wait for the upload to finish; and, because their in a rush, they want to you hang on... and on... and on... AND ON... with them while they upload a 20mb file via DSL and have YouTube streaming at the same time.... $diety, I love spending fifteen minutes as a 1D10T's backstop waiting with them for an upload to complete...... especially when the f$cker's the first call of the day....
[2007-06-07]
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3.
Sgt. Schultz
(I may well have posted about this customer type somewhere in the hazy long-ago, but it's worth a re-Pete...)
This type of customer has ten different questions, all of which must be addressed by another support unit (in this case, our billing dept & printing dept)... you tell them you have to transfer, and it's "Bubububububububut, there's also..." "You need to speak w/ dept thus and so." "Bubububububububut, there's also THIS problem." "Which must be addressed by other dept. I understand you don't want to be transferred, but you're telling me what you need to be telling THEM." Silence, Shultz!! DIISS-Missed!!! (eg)
[2007-06-04]
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4.
Cluelessly Arrogant Overcompensator
This kind has no f$cking clue what they're doing, and, being somewhere SUBconsciously aware of this, they overcompensate by being rude, abrasive, and generally a prime example of Prima Donna SFI. (I just got rid of one of these, who had not the first clue re how to do simple things like choose a text layout and DUH! how to click a different layout to move her black text off the black section of a chosen background. She couldn't even tell me what background she chose, if she was using our Flash or HTML designer, had not the first clue why her text wasn't appearing, and every question asked in an attempt to re-create her design on this end so I could see what she was working with and give her the best advice possible was met with "What's so hard? This should be SIMPLE!!" Finally, she demands to be transferred to someone 'more competent, you obviously don't know what you're doing...." GLADLY!! $YOU'RE simple, you silly simple beyotch!! If I have to grapple with you just to explain simple concepts like 'click on a different layout' or 'well, you can't READ black on black..." (Warning, rant on) THEN GET THE MUTHA F$KKIN F$CK OFFA MY GODDAMNED PHONE, YOU ^%*$&^%$&$#&^*&$%$%#^&%$(^*&%#^%*$^%(^&%^$&#%^w$#@^#$%$&$^%$............
I've flagged your account for the uber-abrasive B$tch you are, take your clueless self elsewhere, and Get Away from the computer already, an Etch-a-Sketch would better suit your design needs......
[2007-05-10]
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5.
Laugher...
What does it say about a gomer when he starts chuckling in amusement when you transfer him?
[2007-04-23]
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6.
How...
did this one get her job. Vapid secretary calls to reorder cards for her boss. I ask for her name, she gives me her boss' name.
"Like, my boss, like, wants me to reorder her cards; how do I do it?"
I start by asking for something simple, like the e-mail address her boss uses, that might have put her order under.
"Like, I dunno, she just told me, like "Order me more business cards, bitch, and, like, be quick about it! I dunno what information she used, I just know, like, her name..." (And, playing da, her boss' name is rather common, so you can guess how difficult a name search in a database of millions is ...)
[2007-04-20]
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7.
A disgrace to their namesake.
I just got off the phone w/ "John Wayne" (and a different John Wayne than the one whom I cited as an EUNOTD). THIS John Wayne was an incessant chatterbox who doesn't know when to shut up and won't let you answer his questions and then takes you back to it again, asking the same thing the same way 3x and 5 different ways 20 more times. Why the F do people bother to even ask questions if they don't intend to even give a passing glance to the answers? It's no wonder we've got global warming, the Duke spinning in his grave over this dumb SF using his name has taken us out of orbit and we're getting closer to the sun, yeah, that's it...
[2007-04-12]
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8.
Junior...
I just got off the phone w/ this one. "You're a miracle worker" he tells me. Not that I'm not slightly gratified, or satisfied that at least this one HAS a little gratitude of his own, but....
Well, what the hell did I do? I'll tell you, I sat there trying to give Junior basic instructions on how to do a very simple function like 'put order on hold', check a checkbox, and remove hold. He pays no attention to my instructions, does not even listen, and flounders around on his own for ten minutes and manages to get the job done w/o comprehending one word I've said, if indeed he heard them.
Hence, "Junior."
For, as Buford T. Justice once said, "If Junior can get up outta bed, put on his clothes, and take a pi$$, I'm not proud, I'm amazed!!"
[2007-04-11]
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9.
"Are you still there?"
You know the type. This SFI doesn't let you finish your intro, asks your name when he (or in this case, she) interrupts you right when you're speaking it, jabbers for several minutes non-stop, and then ends with "Are you still there?" (Well, maybe if you'd stop being a wannabe call dominator and STFU...)
[2007-04-10]
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10.
Uber-A$$hole
"I demand you do this, that, and the other; tell me how I do this, exactly like this, and I want you to answer in monosyllabic words. You, the peon, are here to assist me, the all-important egomaniac, and you will follow MY instructions. I will interrupt you at every turn, and not let you finish one sentence if I do not hear EXACTLY what I wish to hear."
[2007-04-05]
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11.
Competitor
This is a rep from a competitive company who calls up to use your services, and wishes a discount, to boot.
[2007-03-29]
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12.
Mule...
This type insists on doing something impossible, with a 'sticktoitivness' nature bordering on outright unreasonable insanity. (I've been stuck with this SF for an hour, sitting here trying to convince her she can't essentially redesign this bus. card someone else made her in our Flash Designer, because she hasn't either the files, the tools, or the experience, let alone the damn clue to realize she's not going to get anywhere, not matter how hard she tries. Daffy hitting himself over the head w/ a sledge, that's me...
[2007-03-15]
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13.
Shouldn't be in that line of work...
Owns a graphic design or printing company, and needs help doing simple things like ordering his own business cards online.... (What does that say about the company, let alone the product? Shouldn't this be a normal task you pay your employee(s) for?)
[2007-02-27]
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14.
Competitor
This customer calls T1 customer service in the hope of learning what they can about our stock and how we work. Shine it on, beyotch,, shine it on, we ain't tellin' you $hyte...
[2007-02-15]
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15.
Utterly Deef...
Call 3...(No offense to the truly deaf), this is the type of customer who pretends not to understand you and makes you repeat everything 10x, and ee-NUN--CEE-ATE... EV--ERR-EE... SYLL-A-BULL..." Me: "Tahnk you for calling SFI: "I couldn't hear what you said, what did you said?" <Later> "The problem is the order was stored on a bad sector of the server hdd, as neither you nor I can pull it up in edit mode, you'll need to redo the design." SF:"I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you." "Thee prob-lem is with thee ser-ver, eye yam havv-ving thee same prob-lem. Yoo will neeed to re-dee-sign the card aa-gain." "So, you can't do it for me, is that what you're telling me?"
[2007-02-09]
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16.
Paradox/Conflict
We know this kind of customer. They are educated, trained, well-schooled professionals, uber-certified and well acclaimed in their field of expertise, such as real estate, law, medicine... the are SUPPOSED to have the skills, and the senses, of a person of well-above average intelligence. It's no wonder the meaning of the words 'health' and 'care' have gone out of 'healthcare' and medicine has become a big business money machine when particioners of medicine, those supposed to be able to look at symptoms, do research, and diagnose a problem, as we would look at error details, warning flags and messages, and visible problems, troubleshoot and eliminate the possible causes, research and diagnose a problem, and then fix it, cannot do so much as upload a simple file. I just got off the phone with a family doctor, who could not so much as figure out how to check a checkbox or follow instructions simply laid out and obvious as the sun in the sky on how to upload. Me: "Click on 'Upload Design'... SF MD: "What does 'Browse' mean? I'll have to get someone else to do this, this is too complicated for me...."
[2007-02-09]
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17.
Untitled...
because words fail me to describe this kind of customer. This customer has no access to a computer and, in order to verify an order placed by a compatriot, rather than have someone help him view the order on line, wishes to have images on order VOCALLY described to him to confirm order was correctly placed....
[2007-02-01]
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18.
Uncommon....
I'm... floored. A customer just called to do nothing more than compliment us (read: our client) on an outstanding print just received, and nothing more. No starfishy issues, no complaints, nothing. Just a compliment b/c he thought we might welcome it. Bowl me over with a feather... All I could say was "Thank You!"
[2007-01-26]
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19.
NO-tech
This type not only has not the foggiest idea how to use a computer (let alone grasp the simple concept of using a website to create a simple business card), thankfully, they have no idea how to use a telephone, either (they say "Can I put you on hold?", and they disconnect instead... )
[2007-01-24]
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20.
Duh....
This type, when asked direct questions, dodges giving answers like thus: Q: "Are you clicking on your background choice to open the designer, or are you uploading a file into the designer itself?" A: "So, I should just give it more time then?" Q2: "What type of file are you trying to upload?" A: "So, I should just play around with it some more..." (Two calls down.....)
[2007-01-15]
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21.
Grandma/Grandpa Kettle
I've posted about this type before. We all know the type. Nice people, but AB-SO-LUTE-LY CLUELESS when it comes to doing something as simple as uploading a file. They can't describe what webpage they're on, how they got there, don't know the first thing about what they're doing, and shouldn't be allowed near a computer. "I just uploaded this picture, and it's too small! How do I resize it? What should I do?" Respectfully, might I suggest allowing someone familiar with using the internet do it for you?
[2007-01-15]
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22.
Rude much?
This type, more commonly known as the Starfishicus Interruptus, has, compared w/ many SF, absolutely NO manners whatsoever. I just got rid of one: "Just answer my questions." Get off my phone. If you're going to interrupt and assert your control of the call, don't bother us. You call us for help, you ask for help, you shut up listen when you're spoken to, and act like a civilized human being. The penalty for disobeying these rules is a transfer to Mr. D. Tone. Is that clear, Fishy?
[2006-12-19]
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23.
Clueless Know-it-all
We've posted about this kind many times. They're the type that first need you to lead them through the first step, and then their ten miles ahead of you, heading ENTIRELY in the wrong direction and refusing to listen. What makes this one different is that when you tell them something should be painfully obvious and has NOTHING to do with your site/product/etc, they say "You should put that on your website, so others will be aware of it!" (Story to follow...)
[2006-12-11]
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24.
"Give me their information!"
Gomer calls to reorder cards twice. I get the misfortune to be routed both his calls. First time, he can't verify the info to reorder (must verify either e-mail addy or the order #, cannot provide the e-mail w/o the order), Somebuddy else made the order, and he wants his own. Sorry, no can do. He starts asking questions about 'what was the phone # it was under' and 'what name was it under', let alone the CREDIT CARD.... <You're smelling the rat too, right?> "I'm sorry, sir, we are NOT allowed to give out private information. I can't tell you anything about your account unless you can verify either the e-mail address or the order # you want to redo." He hems and haws... <OOOHHH! I'm SOOOO sorry! You lost on Jeopardy! You've just won a transfer to the next level call queue to verify your security code before we can unlock your account! Buh-bye!?
[2006-11-09]
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25.
"Give me their information!" (Part 2)
(Okay, shoulda been a story, but the customer type
fits better...)
So, not five minutes later, he calls back. He's singing a different tune, but alludes that he knows he's spoken 2 me b4. (Well, what was your first clue, Sparky?) He starts trying to ask about the artwork from the last order, and how he can change it. The designer submitted it as an .ai, not changeable online. "I'm sorry, the original will need to be edited online." "But I just need to change the name... what was the name on the card?" "I'm not allowed to give out personal information, sir; we've already addressed that. Changes to the design cannot be done online, you cannot edit an image once it's uploaded, there's no way to open it on our website." "I just need to change the phone #... what was the phone #?" <Repeat ad nauseum>.... Hello, what part of NO don't you understand??
[2006-11-09]
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26.
The Singing Fish
This type of customer has music on in the background (in this case, mellow Big Band/Vegas Lounge type).... and goes from arguing over why they can't get their file uploaded to SINGING to herself while the upload proceeds...
[2006-10-23]
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27.
"I'm gonna come down there!!!"
This is the lawyer who nothing about computers, has a graphic designer create (product) for them, upload it to our site, and then proceeds to bitch and moan about how they can't pay over the phone, and won't give the designer a very necessary e-mail addy to log their order under so they can log on to our website later and pay for it... You'll pay for it all right, sucka... E-commerce apps are NOT designed to save an order in mid-process and let SOMEONE ELSE log onto the site and pull up that same order and pay for it... This SF atty is another spoiled local... on her fourth call in less than an hour, she threatened to come down to corporate... "And do what? Wave writs at us? Get over yourself. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 Stupid fuckin' beyotch.... (And that was call # 2)...
[2006-10-02]
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28.
Greedy....
This customer wants to use EVERY discount you offer on one order... sale prices on product... preferred customer discounts.... AND free UPS Ground shipping... delivered NEXT DAY... "Hey! You1 One per customer!" <G>
[2006-10-02]
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29.
Officer Hooks
A very nice, personable, type...
just very hard to understand, with her soft, tiny little voice....
(Until you politely ask them to speak up, and then she switches into
"DON'T MOVE, DIRTBAG!!!!" mode... <g>)
[2006-09-14]
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30.
Won't Shut Up...
We all know this kind, the over-inflated ego that won't listen to anything you tell them, talk over you, and all but openly demand to control the call. Hey, YOU called ME for help, now STFU, hear what I say, and do what I tell you if you want the problem fixed.... (ALL my customers were like that today.... somebody stuck me with the "self important SF' magnet <g>)
[2006-04-25]
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31.
SnobFish
This is the type of customer who has to spell even this simplest words out because they think you're some know-nothing script monkey who doesn't need half a brain cell to hold down this boring, no challenge job you had to take b/c your more challening jobs have been outsourced to someone who works for pennies a day... and loves to play the "Yes?" game to boot. Example... so snotty you could hear it dripping through the phone... "May I have your Member ID # please." "Yes, I have it.." (pregnant pause) "Do you need it?" No, I asked you for the fucking fun of it, you silly simple snob! GAH! Get off my phone! (God, I really wanted to reach through the phone and strangle that fish at that moment...)
[2005-01-04]
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32.
Uber Paranoid
This is the customer, who, upon being asked their name, responds with "Why do you want to know?" Well, aside from the fact that maybe, knowing your name to put on the listing of doctors you asked for nso it can BE MAILED TO YOU... it would be nice to know the name of whom I'm talking with. That's called COMMON COURTESY, you uber-paranoid "Don't put me on 10000 million mailing lists". There's a thing in the medical world called PRIVACY, you know... medical plans CAN get in trouble for giving out your info, or hadn't you heard?
[2004-12-20]
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33.
Fill in the blank....
Make up a name for this customer type, I can't find the words to describe the sheer stupidity. Gomer has Big Cheese health plan. He calls up, a WEEK after '05 open enrollment has ended. "Duh, yah, I never got last year's ID card." DOH! It's a litltle late for that NOW, don't you think? (Don't answer that, he obviously couldn't think... here's why...) So, I gotta get him the right #. I've got this feeling... b/c Uncle's Big Cheese gave our # as their primary contact #.... He's in FL... "Are you a federal employee?" "???" "I need to know if you're with Big Cheese of Florida or Federal Big Cheese, to give you the right #..." "????" Fuckit, he gets to call the toll # in FL... "The # is..." "Isn't there supposed to be a toll free # for federal employees?" Not for you, farkwit... "Sorry, that's the # Uncle gave us for FL..." I don't WANT to know what dept he works for.... the answer would prolly send us all screaming into the streets...
[2004-12-20]
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34.
Cannot hear themselves talk...
This is the kind that repeat the same question after you've answered it, and later forget they've given you something you've asked for and ask if they gave it tyou.
Example: Grandma Kettle calls up. "Can you tell me how to reach the group that can tell me about (blank)?" "You've reached that group, what can I do for you?" "You can tell me how to reach the group that can tell me about (blank)..." Aaaaaaarrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.......
Later... collecting information for mailing... "Name..." (name)... 'address" (address)... "Zip code" "Did I give you my name?" Yes, you did! Please SHUT UP and speak only when spoken to, and answer WHAT I ask, WHEN I ask it...
[2004-12-15]
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35.
Arrogant Poser sans ears...
This is the type of customer who not only thinks they're hot stuff, but refuses to hear aything but what they want to hear, and asks for your supe when you don't say exactly that. Example: Poser from L.A. calls. "Im in Beverly Hills!" (USPS interpretation of your zip code says you're in L.A., not Beverly Hills, you wannabe...) She has an acupuncture discount and acupuncture benefits. Her health plan is based out of New York (more evidence she's a poser, somebody with NY insurance in L.A. Hollywood wannabe? Porn star in training, I hope... She spoke with someone five minutes ago and forgot to get a list of names. I tell her that Acupuncture referrals covered by her insurance need to be given by her insurance compaony. Acupuncturists covered by her discount... she don't get the discount outsidea' the Tri-State area. "I wanna speak to your supervisor." (In her snippiest tone of voice). I get the sup on the phone. He's a decent one, for a sup. He's a fellow Texas repatriate. I conference her in. He's polite, the soul of understanding... until... "MJ said I don't have discount coverage, and the person I spoke to him before said I did." "Did he advise you that your discount is usable only in NY, NJ, & CT?" "Yes, but.." "No buts about it. You have to be in the coverage area to get the discount. Any other questions regarding your benefit coverage MUST be addressed by your health plan. If we can help you when you're back in New York, please feel free to call. Buh-bye!" Suh-weet!!!
[2004-12-01]
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36.
Combination SF...
This is the type of customer that commits multiple offenses in one sentence. "I can't get on to your website!" "What happens when you type in the address? I went to www.(hishealthplan).com, (STRIKE ONE) and the link to www.(ourwebsitesoldlink).com doesn't work." I check it... their link to our website is perfectly fine. "It seems to be working, give it another try." "I can't, I'm on the road..." (STRIKE TWO) "Why don't you keep your website up to date, the company that link's to (our company) changed their website, and it works... (STRIKE THREE). "This IS (our company), sir, we don't maintain Big Cheese's website." "This isn't Big Cheese? It's the # I always dial for it..." ERROR! STRIKE FOUR! "No, sir, this is (our company), the company who's website you were trying to get to." "Don't you keep their website up to date? Aren't you tech support?" Strikes FIVE AND SIX. You're out twice, me bucko. "No, sir, this is (our company), not Big Cheese, and this is Customer Service. You need to go to bigcheese.com/support for that. If there's anything we can help you with, please feel free to call back when you're not driving. Buh-bye!"
Moral of the story: Don't call one company's customer service line for tech support on another company's website while you're driving... I need SEVERAL bottles for this entry in the drinking game...
[2004-12-01]
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37.
Charlie Brown...
This customer is the wishy-washy type who can't make up his or her mind, and wastes several minutes of your time while they waver between 'fish' and 'cut bait'. IE-- Gomer had a defective hd in the dvr... told him the noises and clicking indicated a bad hd... first he begged to reboot, nr, finally convinced him, then he spent five minutes (Can I? Can't I? Can she? Lemme check...) Call back when you're ready to schedule, Charlie Brown...
[2004-09-01]
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38.
Rarest of the rare...
A person who does not qualify as 'starfish' because he (or she) is a help-desk tech for a local sw co. She understands the box is misbehaving, isn't irate, is patient while it reboots, and understands the thing is a pain in the ass, not to mention sympathizes about doing the same thing all day, because she does, too. If all my calls were like that....
[2004-08-31]
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39.
Sorry mother...
This is the customer who lets her child tell her what to do. Twice in two days, a lady (in whose name the account was) called up to order UFC 49 (Ultimate Fighting Championship) on PPV. Couldn't order it the Friday, IND has to wait until a certain time before the event before you can. "My son'll just kill me if I don't order it for him!" Today, she called to order it for him (within PPV time constraints) from the grocery store! Stop pandering the grownpu brat, and tell him to do it himself!!!
[2004-08-22]
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40.
The Electrical Engineer...
Thinks he knows everything about cable signals and is therefor justified in blaming his digital tiling on his box because "I'm an electical engineer, I know thse things. Coax lines don't do that."
Shut up, you know nothing about cable signal, otherwise you wouldn't come out with such as obvious copout.
[2004-08-11]
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|
Co-Worker Types
1.
"Don't touch it!" Boss
So paranoid of a computer that they not only can't keep anything organized, but so much that if there's the least little hiccup, they're all 'What did you do?'. This type can't even tell updated copies of a file by the dates in the filename. Oh, please, spare me already!
[2009-08-19]
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2.
Mr. Takeover
This co-worker sits at your desk to work when you're not there. He takes no notice that the station has your nameplate on the 'wall', or of your other personal items, such as family pix, techtoys/gadgets, techcomix, stress squidgy, desk calender, etc; and sits down and makes your workspace his own. He's obviously both blind and deaf (apologies to blindtech and others TRULY in said condition(s)....), because the next morning, not only is your wallpaper changed, your phone's volume turned up to maximum, and the system left on after their end of shift; but they've done 10k other little annoying things that accumulate to one VERY deserving LART, from tearing pages off your calender (hey, is that yours?) to changing your monitor resolution (from preset 1182x1024 to 800x600), changing Clear Personal Data settings to everything BUT cookies & cache), deleting all your tool's logins, your open apps taskbar, AND your work notes AND wallpaper folder, logging into YOUR work e-mail account and reading and/or deleting YOUR e-mail, leaving their notepads and scratchpaper all over the desk, getting gunk all over your favorite mousepad, mouse, AND keyboard, and spilling coffee and getting crumbs all over the desk and not cleaning it up. They're like an uninvited guest; dropping by as the guest of an invited guest, who then proceeds to trash the party, drink all the beer, clog the toilet, make passes at the girls, accidentally trips over a power strip and unplugs the entire entertainment system in the process, and then gets rude when you ask them to leave, like it's THEIR party to wreck. You're only the host, after all, it's not like you own the house or anything...) they can just wander in and claim squatter's rights and move you right on out... and because you don't have enough desks for everyone, and you can't create separate user profiles due to client requirements, your TL and everyone over him just shrugs, "Whattaya gonna do?" If I didn't know better... (but I do, this ain't no message I'm being sent)... So, I'm sick to death of Mr. Takeover and I want to send HIM a message... the floor is open for evil suggestions....
[2007-05-09]
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3.
?
This co-worker (or perhaps supv/tl/boss) comes over to use WD-40 on your squeaking chair... While You're Sitting In It....
[2007-01-29]
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Customer E-mails
1.
Subject: Customer e-mail addy of the day
"buttheadliving@(domain.com)"
[2006-10-11]
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2.
Subject: Do I get a card?
This from a SF who works for Uncle:
"I just bought the discount plan card for (Federal Big Cheese). Am I supposed to get a card with this, and how?"
[2005-01-04]
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EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
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1.
http://chzsetphaserstolol.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/sci-fi-fantasy-dont-trust-the-dark-side.jpg
[2012-07-18]
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2.
"Do the washers have soap pre-loaded, or do we need to buy some?" 0_0
[2012-06-03]
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3.
NOTD: Dong Kum
[2011-05-29]
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4.
NMPOTD: "The lobby computer's shot? Just use the old parts they took off the elevator!"
[2011-05-29]
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5.
Nowhere Man QOTD #2 (See Spyder's political thread for #1): "How much do you think a Wal-Mart computer is worth?"
[2011-02-15]
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6.
NMQOTD #3: "What is NiteVision2009, and why isn't it 2011? It's 2011, it should say 2011!"
[2011-02-15]
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7.
"Why is Hotmail asking me to change my password? I've had it for over 10 years!"
[2010-09-21]
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8.
"OK, I've changed my password; now, do I need to tell 'x' what I changed it to so she can read it?" (Oy, "He's a real nowhere man..." sing it with me!!!)
[2010-09-21]
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9.
3rd quote from the Nowhere Man: "Why do I have to tell others what my password is after I've changed it when I don't need to know theirs to read mine?"
[2010-09-21]
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10.
Actually, an EU T-shirt POTD (or guest/tenant, in my case):
"Please don't interrupt me while I'm disturbing you."
[2010-09-01]
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11.
(Actually a Guest POTD) "I set my alarm for 4:15, and it went off at 2:15. Do you why that is? Do you know how to fix it?"
[2010-05-15]
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12.
Sleeping Ugly POTD: "I AM the most dependable...."
[2010-01-06]
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13.
"I need my phone to stay on at all times. I get a dial tone every time I dial your number; did you know it's a federal felony to disconnect someone's phone? They consider it a shoot on sight offense!"
[2009-11-14]
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14.
CWPOTD: "I knew. Why didn't you?" (Maybe because you didn't tell anyone, shit for brains!) (MURDERDEATHKILL)
[2009-08-12]
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15.
CWPOTD: "TNG? You mean TMJ, like when your girlfriend gets lockjaw or something?"
[2009-06-24]
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16.
Shortly to appear in 'Mock the Stupid': "I'm a Captain of Industry! I should be able to make this thing work!"
[2008-08-18]
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17.
CWPOTD: "Crack Hinge."
[2008-08-15]
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18.
CWQOTD: "What does SAP stand for?"
[2008-08-14]
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19.
POTD written on service paperwork: "Latch Borken." Awright, whichoneayadoneit? (EG)
[2008-07-16]
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20.
Boss POTD: "He's working on our database? He'd better not be installing any computers!" (disclaimer: No, he's not referring to me (EG))
[2008-07-09]
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21.
Boss POTD 2: "I screwed up my Outlook doing lunch..."
[2008-07-09]
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22.
CWPOTD. CW: "SAP is ALWAYS closing up on me!" Boss: "That's because it's German. If you talked to it in German, it'd probably work for you."
[2008-07-03]
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23.
Boss-POTD 2: "And your printer problems are probably due to the fact that said German software is talking to an American printer."
[2008-07-03]
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24.
Boss POTD #3: "Coden sie Deutsch?"
[2008-07-03]
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25.
CWPOTD: "The form says cracked bottom door hinge. What's cracked, the door or the hinge?"
[2008-06-27]
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26.
CWPOTD: "What does a pair look like?"
[2008-06-19]
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27.
CWPOTD: "The hourglass is a figment of your imagination."
[2008-06-06]
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28.
"Will they set us up a new BOM?"
[2008-05-20]
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29.
(I'm a dead man for quoting this, I know it, but I couldn't resist, I had to politely leave the room quickly when CW uttered the following): "I'm so sad! My husband made me give him all my (mad) money!" Now then.... Geordi! EMERGENCY TRANSPORT TO THE LART SHELTER! ENERGIZE!!!!!!!!!1
[2008-05-09]
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30.
CWPOTD: "See, I told you! IBM speaks louder than Dell."
[2008-05-06]
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31.
(NT/OT) FCWPOTD: "I didn't know they had toilets in the men's room, I thought they just had urinals!"
[2008-05-05]
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32.
Cow-irker POTD: "What're ya gonna do with those BIG... BLACK... TOYS?" (Spoiler) http://www.atlantixglobal.com/wps/wcm/resources/image/468bab3009199960/pSeries.bmp
[2008-05-02]
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33.
(Same as last time) Co-worker POTD: "I wanna play with the taper!!"
[2008-04-24]
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34.
Same cw (after sitting on her lipstick): "My butt's all greasy! Wanna see? I've got a greasy butt!"
[2008-04-24]
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35.
Another cw to guess which CW: "Who wants a ream?"
[2008-04-24]
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36.
1st co-worker back to 2nd: "You need a teabag? Let me go get you one..." (We're BEOYND the gutter here today....)
[2008-04-24]
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37.
Typo OTD: "cUnit is not assembled, please..."
[2008-04-07]
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38.
Seen on a co-worker's t-shirt: "I'm Grumpy because you're Dopey."
[2008-03-25]
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39.
Follow-up to yesterday's post, from #2 to #1: "I like your boots!" (But, spoken at 6AM, whadaya think I heard it as?)
[2008-02-22]
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40.
(Actually a co-worker POTD, one hot girl to another(VEG): "Oh, shit; I'm out. Give us a ream, willya?"
[2008-02-21]
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41.
NOTD: Wardette Cleaver
[2007-09-18]
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42.
"I had to step away from my computer while the upload was going on, and my wife shut down the browser and the whole computer. What's the status of my order?"
[2007-09-13]
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43.
"If I design a file for a customer in Fireworks, Illustrator, or something similar, don't they need that program on their computer to upload the file to you?"
[2007-09-13]
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44.
"You printed my order three days ago. I don't care what problems you having, I want to speak to your owner, if you dont' get your owner on the phone, I will get my lawyer on zis phone. I will call the police and have you all arrested for grand theft if you don't send my order out NOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!"
[2007-09-13]
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45.
CWPOTD: "My Mouse went AWOL!"
[2007-09-13]
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46.
Re-Pete POTD: "What's the difference between Next Day Air and Next Day Air-Saturday, and which do I need if I want Saturday delivery?"
[2007-09-13]
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47.
I get this question every once in a while. "Do you print Rolodex cards?" Hmmm... "What were those, again?" (G) Does anyone still actually USE those? (EG)
[2007-09-11]
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48.
NOTD: "Linux"
[2007-09-10]
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49.
NOTD: "Cheeka Troi"
[2007-09-07]
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50.
"Can I submit three different designs for three different parties, make it one order & have it billed to each of the three different accounts and shipped to three different addresses?"
[2007-09-07]
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51.
Follow up to last: Me:"You'll have to submit three different orders to do that." SF: "Oh, I guess I'll have to check with the Home Office on that..."
[2007-09-07]
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52.
Me: "Thank you for callingSFI(To background): "Well, Hello, Mr. Cranky!" (You BETTER notta been talkin' to me, bub...)
[2007-09-07]
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53.
"Nothing has changed! I haven't done one thing to this computer in the last 365 days!"
And this one's business cards say he owns his own PC repair shop. Well, lessee... you're running IE7, and you claim that you haven't even emptied your cache or cookies in a year, and 'Nothing has changed'... contradiction in terms much? Anyone doing tech support aside from the laziest 'dowanna learn' n00b g00b would know better than that....
[2007-09-07]
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54.
"I wanna know if I order cards today if I can have 'em delivered Monday." Me: "With today being Friday, anythingSFI:"I don't care 'bout dat, whudduz the weekend have to do wid anything?"
[2007-09-07]
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55.
NOTD: "McFry"
[2007-09-06]
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56.
"I don't know what I'm doing, you say 'our' when you mean your company, I have no idea how to use the website, and if you can't spend a couple of hours teaching me how to create a card online when I have no bleeding idea how to use the internet, I'll just take my business elsewhere. You're stupid, and your company's stupid. I just can't understand your American idiom." BELCH (CLICK) Hmmm.. methinks th' lad's well into his Guiness. Rude, but most amusing.
[2007-09-05]
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57.
More from the same: (Wife in background): "Get off the phone! You don't know what you're doing, get away from the comp-u-tah!" "G'wan, woman, blimey! Can't a man get drunk in peace!" "Get off the phone!!" (I get this recording, it'd be perfect for a Crank Yanker type skit for Monty Python!)
[2007-09-05]
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58.
"Was that the word 'one' or the letter '1'?" Me: "The NUMBER '1'....
[2007-09-05]
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59.
Gem #3 from ye drunk: "Google? What's a Google? What's that? I've never heard... What do I type in? Double-yew... Double-yew... double-yew... gee.. ooh..oohh..gee... ell... eee... dot.. Is that tha word 'dot' or the period on the keyboard?... cee..ohh... emm.... What do I type in Now? What kind of word IS 'Google' anyway? Oh, I think I've heard of this thing, it's supposed to be like the # 3 wizard search or somehting, 'annit?"
[2007-09-05]
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60.
"I need to have a credit applied from my past order to my new order." Me: "What's the invoice # you need to have the credit applied to?" "I haven't made it yet..."
[2007-09-05]
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61.
CWPOTD: "When it comes to Fireworks.... ya gotta get rid of it."
[2007-09-05]
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62.
NOTD: Peter Elephant
[2007-09-04]
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63.
NOTD: Jill McAnus
[2007-08-31]
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64.
"Yuh, ahm usin' yer designer on yer website..."
[2007-08-31]
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65.
NOTD: Eric Limekiller
[2007-08-31]
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66.
"I just sent my files to your company inbox. Can I pay for the order with you over the phone?"
[2007-08-30]
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67.
NOTD: Hula Mahoney
[2007-08-30]
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68.
"What option do I need to have delivered Saturday?" "You would need to choose Next Day Air - Saturday Delivery." "Faturday?" "SAT-UR-DAY." "Fat Tuesday?" "Next Day Air not specified as Saturday would deliver on Tuesday due to the holiday." "Tuesday is too late!" "Yes, sir. You would choose NEXT... DAY... AIR... SAT-UR-DAY!!" "Caturday?" (Awright, which whunnaya was it!? :P)
[2007-08-30]
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69.
"How do I order? Do I describe to you what I want over the phone?" If were were a pizza maker, perhaps....
[2007-08-30]
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70.
NOTD: Jim Bowie
[2007-08-29]
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71.
Re-Pete POTD: "I don't understand WHYYYY you can't make new cards for us from the old one! They only need to make copies of the file, open them up, and make a simple TEXT CHANGE!!!"
[2007-08-29]
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72.
NOTD: Casey PayPal
[2007-08-29]
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73.
Me: "Thank you for caSFI:"Yah, Hi, this is Michael Dell, and I'm having a problem using your flash designer, where do I find the white background?"
[2007-08-28]
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74.
"How do I close my browser?"
[2007-08-28]
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75.
"Let ME ask the questions!"
[2007-08-27]
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76.
"Is it true you have 5000 fliers availble for only $0.89?"
[2007-08-27]
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77.
NOTD: "Prince Pinochet"
[2007-08-27]
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78.
SF: "I'm trying to send up a card design that's horizontal on one side and vdertical on the other. How do I get the vertical side to appear correctly?" Me: "You would need to reoerient the vertical side to upload horizontally, either to the left or right, depending on where you want the top and bottom of the vertical design to appear on the card." SF: "How do I do that?" (If you don't know how to flip left or right by now...)
[2007-08-24]
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79.
NOTD: "Betty Crocker"
[2007-08-24]
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80.
"You guys must have all worked for AT&T in the past, because you all ask that same question at the end of the call."
[2007-08-22]
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81.
CW POTD: "Thank you for calling Next Day Drinks..."
[2007-08-22]
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82.
NOTD: Phil Mescal
[2007-08-17]
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83.
"My computer is mad at me!"
[2007-08-16]
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84.
"How do I PDF you?"
[2007-08-16]
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85.
"We have the need... for full bleed!"
[2007-08-16]
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86.
"Can you tell me the postage for a business letter from MD to CA overnight?"
[2007-08-14]
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87.
Me: "Thank you for calling" SF: "What are we doing here?"
[2007-08-14]
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88.
NOTD (same SF): "Jerry Gastritis"
[2007-08-14]
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89.
"I want to order some business cards for myself, but I don't know what I want on them. How do I order?"
[2007-08-14]
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90.
"If I can't make my order from AOL, I'll just take my business elsewhere." Fine, be my guest. Go dynamite the Hitchhiker's Guide offices on Ursa Minor to kill a cockroach in Zarniwoop's office while your at it.
[2007-08-13]
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91.
NOTD: Erin Sour
[2007-08-13]
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92.
SISF:"I'm placing an order, and I understand your cutoff time is 5PM. I can't make that time, how do we go about adjusting it?" Me: "The time is computer controlled, I apologize but we're unable to manually allow for orders to be forced into the printing batch once the computer has begun processing all orders placed since the previous deadline." SISF: "That's fine, now how do we go about manually adjusting it so we can place my order a hlaf hour after your cutoff and still get it printed tonight?"
[2007-08-13]
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93.
IT Mgr POTD: "I'll be back in a couple of days..." (eg)
[2007-08-10]
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94.
NOTD: "Monica DeCareless"
[2007-08-10]
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95.
Me: "Thank you for calling (Next Day) Printers, this is Madjack, may I have your first & last name, please?" SF: "No."
[2007-08-10]
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96.
NOTD #2: Terry Nichols. (Gotta sympathize w/ this one after 4/95)
[2007-08-10]
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97.
"I need to upload a business card, and I see choices of business cards, postcards, greeting cards, the list goes on. Where do I go?"
[2007-08-09]
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98.
NOTD: "Elena Wookie"
[2007-08-09]
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99.
NOTD #2: "Crate"
[2007-08-09]
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100.
NOTD #3: "Charles Chlamydia"
[2007-08-09]
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101.
"How will I know when it's done uploading or not?"
[2007-08-08]
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102.
NOTD: "Zakdorn"
[2007-08-07]
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103.
"What was I going to ask you? I don't remember..."
[2007-08-07]
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104.
Little old SF: "Do you know the number of either Macy's or Nordstrom's furniture dept?" Me: "What company were you trying to reach, please?" LOSF: "Can you tell me if it would be worth it to hire a ride down there to look at furniture?" Me: "??" LOSF: "Do you have the # for Plaza?" Me: "I'm sorry, you've reached (youknowwho) Printers; is there a particular company you were trying to call?" LOSF: "What # was I calling again?"
[2007-08-06]
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105.
NOTD: "Lazlo"
[2007-08-02]
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106.
"What's the difference between your single-sided & double-sided postcards?"
[2007-08-01]
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107.
"How do I get rid of a bad file I haven't sent you yet?"
[2007-08-01]
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108.
"I put my e-mail address in 'Find My Orders', why ain't it loggin' me in?" WHY the F do we get f$cknuggest like this when it's time to knock off?
[2007-08-01]
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109.
Me: "Have I provided extraordinary customer service to you today? (required)" SF: "You have a true gift of gab. You told me something I didn't want to hear; but that everyone else wants to...." HeheheheheheBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! Ah, another satisfied customer. My work here is done! (VEG)
[2007-07-31]
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110.
NOTD: Karla Bumfall
[2007-07-31]
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111.
"I can't find the file I just saved. Do you know where I saved it?"
[2007-07-30]
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112.
NOTD: "Bill Kotter"
[2007-07-30]
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113.
Designer: "Are you a Windows tech or a Mac tech?" Me: "Windows." Designer: "Nothing personal, but can you switch me to a Mac tech? I don't want to be talking garlic and onions with you." (Me mutes while transferring lolz!)
[2007-07-30]
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114.
"Three letters after the name? I don't understand what you mena, I don't speak computer."
[2007-07-27]
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115.
"Left, right, and center. What do those mean? I don't understand...."
[2007-07-27]
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116.
"I was uploading a file to you, and my system crashed before it was done. I'm not at my computer now, did you get the file or can I pick up from where I left off after I replace this piece of shyte?"
[2007-07-27]
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117.
Re-Pete POTD/rule always worth reposting: SF: "I got an error when I was uploading my file last night. How can I fix it?" Me: "What was the error that you received, please?" SF: "I don't know; I didn't write it down, I'm and I'm not at my computer now, don't you know what it was?" Me: "I'm sorry, no, only your computer did. Please go back to your computer, re-create the error, and then try your call again."
[2007-07-26]
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118.
"How big are your 4x6 postcards and your 5 and half x 8 and a half?"
[2007-07-26]
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119.
Another re-pete POTD I hate (and well worth mentioning): "I sent a e-mail message in to your service dept several hours ago, can't you tell me if you got it or not?" (I HATE that question!!!!!!)
[2007-07-26]
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120.
NOTD: Cary Grant
[2007-07-26]
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121.
SF: "I'm trying to get my image inside the safe zone; but it keeps going to the full bleed." Me: "We do need your file to be to full bleed, sir." SF: "So I can't use your services, is that what you're telling me?"
[2007-07-20]
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122.
"I'm not getting this; my mind's just not clicking today...."
[2007-07-20]
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123.
"What's the difference betweeen a postcard and a greeting card?"
[2007-07-19]
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124.
"Can I remove the predesigned text from your backgrounds?"
[2007-07-19]
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125.
NOTD: Kristie Poochie
[2007-07-18]
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126.
"I'm making a postcard in your simplified designer, and I'm looking at the front of the card; now, if I fill the text fields in here, will they go on the back or the front?"
[2007-07-17]
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127.
"I'm trying to make my business card using your basic designer, and when I put in 'City', 'State', and 'ZIP code', they all run together on the same line. You've got them as separate blocks; shouldn't they print that way?"
[2007-07-16]
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128.
NOTD: Mark Bogus
[2007-07-16]
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129.
NOTD: "Lock Highwayman"
[2007-07-13]
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130.
Another NOTD: "Rosie Mascara"
[2007-07-13]
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131.
SF: "What's the postage for the postcards we just ordered?" Me: "What was the size of the postcard you ordered, please?" SF: "How do I tell that?"
[2007-07-09]
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132.
NOTD: "Nachos BellGrande"
[2007-07-05]
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133.
NOTD: Geoff Hymen.
[2007-06-28]
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134.
"How do I cancel the design I'm uploading if I haven't added it to the cart?"
[2007-06-27]
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135.
"I want to change the quantity of cards I ordered. They've already started printing, how do I tell your plant personnel to print me more?"
[2007-06-27]
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136.
"Your eight and a half by eleven brochures, is that in inches, or what?"
[2007-06-27]
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137.
NOTD: Dean Keister
[2007-06-26]
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138.
SF: "I'm having a problem getting my file uploaded, it's not proofing correctly." Me: "Do you still have the file on the upload page in front of you?" "No, My husband called me from work and asked me to call you, he's the one having the problem...."
[2007-06-22]
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139.
"I placed my order with Ground shipping. You promise $Overnight$, why don't I get my order in one day? I placed my order Monday, and I expect that if I place an order on Monday with you, that I'll GET my order on Tuesday!!"
[2007-06-22]
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140.
"My order's already cleared, can I change my credit card information now?"
[2007-06-21]
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141.
EUNOTD: Jim TINKer
[2007-06-21]
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142.
"Yez, I uploaded zees PDF, and I forgot to put something on it. Can I just tell joo what I need, and joo just pull it up on joor website and make change for me?"
[2007-06-19]
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143.
Telemarketer POTD: "Yes, I was wondering why your company offers sponsored links only through Google, and not through MSN and Yahoo. Can I speak w/ the person in I.T. in charge of that?" Me: "Those kind of decisions are made through our own marketing dept., let me get you to them." VHVEG!!!!!!!1
[2007-06-19]
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144.
Me: "We would need to verify the e-mail address of the party who placed the order for you before, for you to login to his order and reorder it." SF: "He's not important, it's MY order. Can't I log in another way? Don't bother me with security details!"
[2007-06-18]
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145.
Upload error: "It says 'The font is an invalid file type'. What does that mean?"
[2007-06-18]
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146.
"If I don't check the UV gloss option, will my prints be UV matte, or matte UV?"
[2007-06-18]
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147.
CWPOTD: "Don't confuse the customers with the facts."
[2007-06-18]
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148.
"I've got thwo windows to your site open, and they're both frozen! Your website screwed up my computer, how do I shut them down?"
[2007-06-12]
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149.
"Remove Hold, or 'Go Back, I changed my mind.' Heehee, your website knows women make these orders!" (Sound of SFette laughing)
[2007-06-12]
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150.
"My credit card was declined! Do I have to redo the entire order over again??!!??"
[2007-06-12]
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151.
"I've been trying to use your Flash Designer, but it's been frozen at 19% since Friday. I left it running all weekend, cam eback in this morning, and it STILL hasn't gotten any farther...."
[2007-06-11]
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152.
SF # 2: "Am I going to the shopping cart the wrong way?"
[2007-06-11]
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153.
"I haven't ordered anything yet, how do I get rid of what I just submitted?"
[2007-06-11]
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154.
EUNOTD for Monday: "Sandy Pester"
[2007-06-11]
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155.
EUNOTD #2: Randi Vagina. ($SO had to be a T2 Crank Yanker...)
[2007-06-11]
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156.
"My order's had a tracking # since late Friday night! It's been THREE DAYS, why hasn't it shipped yet?"
[2007-06-11]
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157.
Me: "...and how can I help you today?" SF: "Would you repeat the question, please?"
[2007-06-11]
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158.
SF: "...you will need to re-enter the phone # that you entered on the shipping page." SF: "What phone #?"
[2007-06-11]
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159.
Same SF: "What do I do now?" Me: "Click on 'Edit Order'. SF: "Remove hold?"
[2007-06-11]
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160.
Same SF, 15 seconds later: "What do I do now?" Me: "Click 'edit'". SF: "Return to order page?"
[2007-06-11]
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161.
"I don't understand why the UPS shipping time you quote in the cart isn't the TOTAL time from when I order to when I get it!!"
[2007-06-08]
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162.
e-mail addy OTD: "shemona.balls@($domain).com"
[2007-06-08]
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163.
EUNOTD: "Bill Killin'"
[2007-06-08]
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164.
"The green bars are moving and the flags are waving..."
[2007-06-07]
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165.
SFI: "I don't know what e-mail address my designer used to place my order." Me: "For security reasons, the invoice # requires you log into it using the e-mail address that it was ordered under. If.." SFI: "I Don't Care About That! I just want..."
[2007-06-07]
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166.
MePOTD: Forget every other idea we've ever had about controlling/LARTing/zapping SF and eradicating them from the gene pool. I have come to the conclusion that what we as techs need, since we're expected to be ESPers and read the minds of these clueless and empty headed fishies... is Remote Access for the Human Mind.
[2007-06-06]
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167.
EUNOTD: Diane Rude
[2007-06-05]
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168.
"Hi, I just noticed I didn't order my cards glossy. I know they've already shipped, but is it too late to have them coated?"
[2007-06-05]
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169.
"What's the difference bwetween @nd Day and Next Day?"
[2007-06-05]
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170.
The perfect EUNOTD for Monday: Keri BOHICA
[2007-06-04]
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171.
CWPOTD: "My designer is high..."
[2007-06-04]
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172.
Re-Pete Most Irritating EUPOTD: "How are you doing today?" $Trust me, fishie, that's the ONE question you don't want an answer to, from ANY of us...... evilevilevilevilevil
[2007-06-04]
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173.
Me: "Thank you for calling (yada yada) first & last name, please?" SF: "Your designer's not working."
[2007-06-01]
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174.
"Your designer's not working"
[2007-06-01]
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175.
EUNOTD: Carrie Urine
[2007-06-01]
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176.
CWPOTD: "Hello, is anybody there?"
[2007-06-01]
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177.
"I just called to say Thank You, you guys did a great job, I'm very impressed." That THUD you just heard was me falling backwards in shock.... Knock me over with a feather, that's like being the person falling into the pool in a 70's Nestea commercial....
[2007-06-01]
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178.
"Next Day Air Saturday Delivery. If I choose that will they be delivered Saturday, Sunday, or Monday?"
[2007-05-31]
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179.
EUNOTD: John Ashcroft
[2007-05-31]
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180.
EUNOTD #2: Raj Humvee
[2007-05-31]
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181.
"I'm sorry, I completely lost my train of thought..."
[2007-05-31]
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182.
Coworker EULN: Saavera. Coworker POTD: "He had a Saavera problem!"
[2007-05-31]
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183.
"It's not a text file; It's A Word Document!!"
[2007-05-30]
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184.
"I reuploaded by backside, and...."
[2007-05-30]
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185.
"What is a Brochure?"
[2007-05-30]
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186.
EUNOTD: "Mrs. Jamie Fudd"
[2007-05-25]
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187.
Addendum to yesterday's germanic silliness: EUNOTD: "German Igor"
[2007-05-25]
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188.
Igor: "I em heffing ze problem submitting files. I created zees in zee Powerpoint..."
[2007-05-25]
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189.
"Didjoo receive the order I just e-mailed you?"
[2007-05-25]
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190.
"This page ain't refreshin' right. Can't you take it over for me?"
[2007-05-25]
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191.
(After spending 15 minutes trying to maneuver cluess fishyie through login & reorder, emptying whole cart & fruitlessly attempting to log in the wrong way): "Y'know, your website design is for $hit. I've been in computers for 25 years; now, if this was a DB9, I'd know EXACTLY what you're talking about..."
[2007-05-24]
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192.
Me: "Thank you for calling (yada yada) may I have your first & last name, please?" Child of 3 or less: "A$$hole, Damnit!! DAAAA-DYYYYY!!! THEY'RE ON!!!"
[2007-05-24]
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193.
Me: "What program did you create your file in?" SF: "Photoshop." Me: "It looks as though the DPI is set to 72 rather than 300." SF: "DPI?"
[2007-05-24]
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194.
EUNOTD: Cash Register
[2007-05-24]
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195.
EUNOTD #2: Alex Liar
[2007-05-24]
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196.
"How can UV gloss be glossy? Isn't it UnVarnished?"
[2007-05-23]
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197.
"I got a confirmation, and then my cart was empty! Did my order go through? Why is my cart empty now if it went througth?"
[2007-05-23]
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198.
Me (to co-worker): "It's a Re-Pete kind of day. "Why is my cart empty?" "Why isn't it working? I didn't change anything. It worked just an hour ago!" "Can I reorder over the phone? I'm calling from behind the wheel..." Cw: "So, just another typical morning, huh?"
[2007-05-23]
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199.
"I'm first in line in your graphics queue, why isn't anyone answering???"
[2007-05-23]
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200.
After trying multiple file types to upload image that system cannot proof out (cannot parse image canvas): Me: "The fact that it's not proofing despite submitting as three different file types, and getting no errors during upload, means that there's something in the construction of the image itself that the designer can't parse out, that it can't render. You'll need to use an entirely different image." SF: "So, I can't use your company; is that what you're telling me?"
[2007-05-23]
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201.
"I don't understand why I can't duplicate an item I uploaded to my cart several times, open it up, and make changes to each one, rather than making each one separately and uploading one by one."
[2007-05-23]
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202.
Re-Pete POTD: "I don't need it redesigned, I just need TEXT CHANGES!!"
[2007-05-23]
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203.
"I don't understand why you can't change it for me, aren't you a design company?" Me: "No, sir, we are a printing company." SF: "Printing, Graphic Design, same thing."
[2007-05-23]
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204.
"Do you have the discount code they e-mailed me? My e-mail's down, and..."
[2007-05-23]
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205.
(Quote from co-worker who lurks (and rarely posts)here, to give him credit, since I have no idea of his TSC identity): "I just had a customer ask "If I need to place a reorder, do I need to be on the internet, or on your website?"
[2007-05-23]
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206.
"Yah, I'd like to place an order...." Me: "And, how can I help you w/ that?" SF: "Yah, I'd like to place an order..."
[2007-05-23]
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207.
Same SF: "I understand I need to send a file; I've got one ready, I'm not at my computer now, but I have the disk with me, can't I just place my order over the phone?"
[2007-05-23]
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208.
"My name is irrelevant."
[2007-05-23]
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209.
Posting separately rather than post on Riff's story, so as not to steal his thunder... Dude, 'My Monday is carrying over should be a EUPOTD. I feel your pain. After the usual BS getting here, 1) NO COFFEE. NO COFFEE BAD!!!! 2) Call #1: "I can't upload my file, it was sent to me as the front & back of the design in one file." Me: "What file type were you given, please?" SF: "I dunno, Windows Fax & Image viewer??" Can I go home now, please?
[2007-05-22]
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210.
"FAQ is irrelevant."
[2007-05-22]
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211.
EUNOTD: Alyssa Farty
[2007-05-22]
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212.
SF: "What assurance do I have that you don't sell a person's designs for your own company gain?" Me: "We do not sell any images you upload or create on our website, we keep your designs on file purely for you to reorder." SF: "Can you sign a statement to that effect?"
[2007-05-22]
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213.
"Do you know what time the UPS driver will come by?"
[2007-05-21]
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214.
EUNOTD: Mandonna
[2007-05-21]
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215.
EUNOTD: Chinese Checkers
[2007-05-21]
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|
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216.
EUNOTD #3: Lynndie Toga
[2007-05-21]
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217.
MePOTD: "Stress headaches are proven to be aggrevated by radioactive bursts of migraine-grade stupdity administered through the human ear"
[2007-05-21]
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218.
EUNOTD #4: "Damn Sheepshead" $Deity these liars come up w/ original bull now and again... okay, whatever you say, Mr. Sheepshead...
[2007-05-21]
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219.
(Re-Pete?) SF: "I need to have the e-mail address changed on my business cards before I reorder them, they were designed by another designer and I don't want to go through him anymore. How do I make the changes before I reorder?" Me: "The designs were uploaded as completed images, they would need to have the originals redone and uploaded as a new order." SF: "I don't need them REDESIGNED, I just need TEXT CHANGES!!"
[2007-05-18]
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220.
EUNOTD: Juan Valdez
[2007-05-18]
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221.
"Yah, I need to make a change to the design I put in the cart; but I'm up in the air at the moment and I have my laptop under my seat, but it's not the system I made it on and I don't think I saved it right, how do I get back to it?"
[2007-05-18]
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222.
The following overhead from a mgr of the team handling our (employer's, not client's) lappy contract... "I need to look at the Vista system, the new interface is soo CUTE!!"
[2007-05-18]
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223.
Two for Frdiday EUNOTDS:
1) Millard Fillmore
2) Angela Shutup
[2007-05-18]
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224.
"I got my cards, but there ain't no literature on 'em!"
[2007-05-17]
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225.
SF: "Yah, I need to have reprints on my fliers, there's a typo on them." Me: "What's the inovice # of the order, please?" SF: "That's on the box, isn't it?" Me: "That's correct, sir." SF: "Idunno, I just dropped it off...."
[2007-05-17]
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226.
"Yah, I gotz 11 different designs to order, but I dowanna upload 11 times..."
[2007-05-17]
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227.
SF:"Hi, Ima Graphic Artist, too, and..." I'm not, honey. I don't do graphic design, I support Photoshop, Illustrator, Publisher, IE, Firefox, and spend my 8 hours a day listening to vapor-headed m0r0ns who make more money like you call and ask for my assistance in using a design application or the internet. You wouldn't stoop to sitting on the front lines of a call queue and get paid the lowest competitive wage to do it. When you f$ck something up, that's when you call me. I'm not a designer, honey. I'm a TECH!
[2007-05-17]
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228.
"I gots ta ax ya a question. Kin I order just two copies?"
[2007-05-17]
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229.
"Windows Photo De Luxe"
[2007-05-16]
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230.
EUNOTD: Kelly Osborne
[2007-05-16]
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231.
SF: "Yah, I'm trying to upload an oversized card file, and it appears magnified when it's uploaded, it doesn't fit in the square....."
[2007-05-16]
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|
|
232.
(Continued).... Me: "You're uploading a file for our oversized postcard, did I understand you correctly?" SF: "Yes, I'm uploading an Adobe file..." Me: "What file format is the adobe file, please?" SF: "A Business Card..." $TRANSFER!!
[2007-05-16]
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233.
"Next Day Air Server"
[2007-05-16]
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234.
EUNOTD #2: "Abby Toepick"
[2007-05-16]
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235.
"I don't understand why your prices don't include shipping..."
[2007-05-15]
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236.
Same SF: "ZOMG, I'm so dumb, I just assumed..."
[2007-05-15]
|
|
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237.
"I changed it from my Outlook to my Hotlook so I could take it to Kinkos, but..."
[2007-05-15]
|
|
|
238.
While walking a customer through upgrading shipping: "My news headlines say Jerry Falwell is dead. Isn't that just a shame...." (customer stifles giggle) "Aw, won't he be missed? By the right wing, maybe..." All I can say is, Thank $deity for the Mute Button!!
[2007-05-15]
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239.
EUNOTD: "Peter Bitch"
[2007-05-15]
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240.
EUNOTD for Monday: "Amos Wanker"
[2007-05-14]
|
|
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241.
"Do I just fill in what I want the card to say in the 'Image' line?"
[2007-05-14]
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|
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242.
Same SF (after 10 minutes of kindgergarten instruction): "ZOMG, I DID IIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!"
[2007-05-14]
|
|
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243.
"Will whether I reorder a previous design or upload the same thing again make a difference in how fast you print my order?"
[2007-05-14]
|
|
|
244.
"I don't need DESIGN work done, I only need some TEXT CHANGES to my design!"
[2007-05-14]
|
|
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245.
"We want to set up a relationship with your company, where when we have problems with files after they're uploaded, where you can give us a call and let us know." Tens of thousands of orders every day, 50% of which are of multiple designs, with average order sizes in the thousands. Hundreds of thousands of repeat customers placing orders constantly, and all of them waded through daily by a QC group of well under 100 people...(I don't think the non-plant personnel for this client, employees and outsourcers like us, comprise that high a number), all of whom, (even the preferred customers) get e-mailed when there's a QC issue with your files, and YOU want to set up an arrangement to be CALLED....
[2007-05-11]
|
|
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246.
EUNOTD: "Garak Williams"
[2007-05-11]
|
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247.
And, for your lunchtime enjoyment: "Do you print 5'7" x 7'5" envelopes?"
[2007-05-10]
|
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248.
EUNOTD: "Anna Hacker"
[2007-05-10]
|
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249.
Me: "Please close ALL your browsers down, so we can clear your cache & cookies." SF (30 seconds later): "OK, I've restarted my computer."
[2007-05-09]
|
|
|
250.
EUNOTD: "Muerte Williams"
[2007-05-09]
|
|
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251.
"I thought you said 'Comma'!
[2007-05-07]
|
|
|
252.
Rhyming Name OTD: "Louie Khoury"
[2007-05-07]
|
|
|
253.
SF: "How much are 1k business cards?" Me: "Do you need single or double sided?" SF: "Uh, ok..."
[2007-05-07]
|
|
|
254.
"I don't understand why I can't send you my own paper."
[2007-05-07]
|
|
|
255.
"Yah, I gots a PDF, but I don't have the reader software for it. How am I supposed to upload it without the software?"
[2007-05-07]
|
|
|
256.
SF: "Why can't I upload Publisher files?" Me: "What's the file extension on the file you're trying to upload, please?" SF: "Powerpoint..."
[2007-05-07]
|
|
|
257.
"Is there any chance you'll be compatible w/ Safari?"
[2007-05-04]
|
|
|
258.
EUNOTD: Graceful Grady
[2007-05-04]
|
|
|
259.
Me: "Thank you for calling (Next Day) Printers, this is MadJack, may I have your first & last name, plse?" SF: "Z, Y, X..."
[2007-05-04]
|
|
|
260.
EUNOTD: "Kippy Ruskins"
[2007-05-04]
|
|
|
261.
EUNOTD #1: Ross Geller
[2007-05-03]
|
|
|
262.
EUNOTD #2: Garfield Lasanga
[2007-05-03]
|
|
|
263.
"Does UPS ship from a different locatio nthan your onw?"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
264.
(From same fish) Me: "What can I do for you today, $name?" SF: "Huh?" Me: "What Can I Do For You Today?" SF: "Whadju say?" Me: "How May I Help You?" SF: "OH! I didn't think anyone still said that!"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
265.
"Can you tell me how to go to $competitor's website and save a copy I can send to you to print?"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
266.
Me: "What browser are you using?" SF: ummm... The internet?"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
267.
(same fish) Me: "Click on 'Help' SF: "File Help?" Me: "No, ma'am, 'HELP', on your menu bar, the one that starts with 'File, Edit, View..." SF: "You want me to close out of all of this, right?"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
268.
"How do I get back to a design I didn't save?"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
269.
"There ought to be a way to save something on your website without all this logging in and saving and stuff!"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
270.
"Glossy UV. What's this checkbox do?"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
271.
One of two EUNOTDs: "Howard." Okay, you just became Ho Ward...
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
272.
EUNOTD #2: Go KaBing
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
273.
"I paid for 2 Day Air, and UPS picked it up on Friday and didn't deliver it until Tuesday! Why didn't they deliver on Sunday? The mail delivers on Sunday! You should have a disclaimer on your website that says UPS doesn't deliver on weekends!!"
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
274.
This IM'ed to me from a co-worker: Customer: my file is not centering properly (ME: Do you have transparencies or crop marks on your file? (Customer: Yes, I have crop marks (Me: you'll need to remove crop marks and re upload file, that would fix the problem. (Customer: hold on. (pause) I need the crop mark because how will I know where the paper ends? (Me: Crop marks are just to guild you. (Customer: I am a PROFESSIONAL graphic designer, I do not need crop marks to guide me! (Me: if you do not need them, then I suggest you remove them and not use them. (Customer: Okay, thank you.
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
275.
same fish: "This is SUCH an inconvenience..." $Well, it's such an inconvenience from where I sit, that you're a mindless ID10T who can't inform themselves re such things as weekends, no cost shipping, et al, and have to waste my time neeping and nopping about how long you held abd you didn't get your order 24 hours after you placed it on a SUNDAY... it's an inconvenience that we make the lowest competitive wages spending eight hours a day listening to your stupidity ...
[2007-05-02]
|
|
|
276.
"You're not Chase Bank; what do I need you for?"
[2007-05-01]
|
|
|
277.
EUNOTD: Diana Murder
[2007-05-01]
|
|
|
278.
"How do I tell which sample is matte & which is gloss?"
[2007-05-01]
|
|
|
279.
"'Add More Products'. How do I do that?"
[2007-05-01]
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280.
SF: "These prints are TOTALLY wrong! They're the same as the order I made before this!" ME: "What is the invoice # of the order, please?" SF: ######## Me: "I show that as being done back in February." SF: "That's right. I totally redid this one." Me: "What is the invoice # of the latest order, please?" SF: "The # I just gave you." Me: "That is the one you reordered from, is that correct?" SF: "Yes." Me: "What is the invoice # of the latest order?" SF: "It's... DOH!!" (CLICK)
[2007-05-01]
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281.
"Yah, I'm a web programmer, and I just wanted to point out some flaws I see in your website..."
[2007-05-01]
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282.
Another UEPOTD I never want to hear again: "What did you say your name was?" $I didn't, because you interrupted me! GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...............
[2007-05-01]
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283.
"I sent an e-mail to your e-mail support group. Will they get it?"
[2007-05-01]
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284.
Another EUNOTD: Steve Dallas
[2007-05-01]
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285.
"I don't have a clue what I'm doing; and any and all hand-holding would be welcome..."
[2007-04-30]
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286.
Me: (Intro) SISF's Secretary: "Hold one for $fishie..." $No, if it's not important enough to do it yourself, GOY>FOMP. (I hate Mondays before Tuesday paydays... a two week supply of smokes runs out in the midst of a 'third weekend' in between paydays, and when my nicotine levels are zero.... don't THINK of gettin' on my bad side today, fishies...)
[2007-04-30]
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287.
Monday's EUNOTD: "Oatmeal"
[2007-04-30]
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288.
SF:..."So, it says the front is an invalid file type, and I'm sending a .pdf..." Me: "When the system is erroring 'invalid file type' on a type we have posted as valid, that usually indicates a problem w/ the file specs. We'll need to review that with one of our designers to determine the issue..." SF: "So you can't tell me if it's the embedding, or the fonts, or..." ($Well, it's not uploaded, DUH....)
[2007-04-30]
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289.
EUNOTD #2: Joe Fearless
[2007-04-30]
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290.
"Yah, can I order now & pay later?"
[2007-04-30]
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291.
SF: "Why doesn't your Flash Designer do paragraphs?" Me: "It's programmed to do each line individually, not for wrapping long
paragraphs the cards aren't designed for." SF: "I'm not doing one line at a time! If you can't fix it, I'll use someone else!" (CLICK)
[2007-04-30]
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292.
EUNOTD #3: Salem Saberhagen
[2007-04-30]
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293.
Me-POTD (in re obtuse SF who won't shed his misconceptions): "My $diety, YODA couldn't get through to these ID10Ts!"
[2007-04-30]
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294.
EUNOTD: Larvell Jones
[2007-04-27]
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295.
EUNOTD #2: Borat
[2007-04-27]
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296.
"I don't understand why I can't just tell you what I want, and have you make it for me!"
[2007-04-27]
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297.
Customer to co-worker: "I wanna cancel my order, the designer I just talked with made me feel stupid..." Co-worker: $"You certainly don't need our help with that; but..."
[2007-04-27]
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298.
EUNOTD for end of the week: "Professor Moriarty"
[2007-04-27]
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299.
OMOTD: "Cost-effective Next Day Air Saturday delivery."
[2007-04-26]
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300.
Customer on speaker: "I have a headset, and it's doing wired things..."
[2007-04-26]
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301.
"Thanks for transferring me to yet ANOTHER customer service rep, to whom I had to explain everything over again, rather than the dept you said you were..." Well, I did, that doesn't mean that I get transferred & can hold with you to brief the next rep, you still have to give them your name and order # for them to review the notes I left $dumbass$
[2007-04-24]
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302.
".GFI. Is that a valid file format? It says invalid..."
[2007-04-24]
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303.
EUNOTD: Anita Ballsoff
[2007-04-24]
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304.
Me: "You need to change the file type from .jpg to .tif." "So I change the program I'm viewing it in? I'm using Windows Image/Fax Viewer, what do you want me to change it to?"
[2007-04-23]
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305.
"Yah, I'm trying to change my order, but I can't click on the drop down to choose the reason why. I'm using a PDA, could that be it?"
[2007-04-23]
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306.
"It's gotta be a problem on your end, it was just working on the last order I placed, and I haven't changed a thing in THREE YEARS!!"
[2007-04-23]
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307.
"How do I use my Shopping Cart?"
[2007-04-23]
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308.
EUNOTD: "Joy Semen"
[2007-04-23]
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309.
"Is this CYMK thing the color, or the paper?"
[2007-04-20]
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310.
"Yah, what's the standard for spelling Co-owner?"
[2007-04-20]
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311.
"How come y'all don't print double-sided letterhead?"
[2007-04-20]
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312.
Me: "Thank you for calling (you know who) Prints, this is MadJack, may I have your first & last name, please?" SF: "Is that really important right now?"
[2007-04-19]
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313.
Same SF: "Why are my images being reoriented?" Me: "Are the images longer in height than in width, or vice versa?" SF: "How can I tell that?"
[2007-04-19]
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314.
"I'm a stupid virus, and I have no clue regarding this thing called Photoshop..."
[2007-04-19]
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315.
EUNOTD: Josh Crotch
[2007-04-19]
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316.
Me: "Thank you for calling (Next Day) Printers, this is MadJack, may I have your first & last name, please?" Nasal SF: "My name is Danielle, you may call me Danielle..." Snob much, beyotch?
[2007-04-19]
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317.
"I had a card made for me in Mark Rosoft's Publisher..."
[2007-04-18]
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318.
Me: "How can I help you?" SF: "You received it?" Me: "I'm sorry?" SF: "You just said you receieved the order we just submitted?" Forget it, I'm not even gonna bother with niceties such as name & civilized greetings anymore (j/k)
[2007-04-18]
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319.
"I don't care that your site's down and you can't find my files! My designer's all over my ass, and I need to make today's cutoff!! Find my order NOWWWWWWWWW!!"
[2007-04-18]
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320.
Me: "... first name & last name, please?" SF: "Grant Peacock..."
[2007-04-17]
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321.
"How do I get a coupon before I order?"
[2007-04-17]
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322.
Me POTD: "The Tier 2 queue must be damned slow, because they're turning our queue into a Crank Yankers episode!" (Yes, our client's t2 queue calls up and floods our queue w/ mock fishiness when they have nothing better to do.... GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........)
[2007-04-17]
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323.
Me: "... first and last name, please?" SF: "Nancy Butts"
[2007-04-17]
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324.
"FIREfox?? ARE YOU KIDDING???!!!??? I don't use THAT..."
[2007-04-17]
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325.
Me: "... first & last name, please?" SF: "James Yelling..."
[2007-04-17]
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326.
The following note from an a card order for a pooper scooper business: "came out with the POOP came out purple instead of blue"
[2007-04-17]
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327.
"I'm not finding the picture I'm looking for in your database; do you have any not posted on your website?"
[2007-04-17]
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328.
"Are you familiar with your website?"
[2007-04-16]
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329.
"Yah, I can't set my safe zone or full bleed in MS Word, how do I do that?"
[2007-04-16]
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330.
"I just placed (CLICK)".... Shortest call of the day! (Too bad it's not the last of the day)
[2007-04-16]
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331.
"Yah, I'm following your directions on how to export a .pdf from Corel; but I don't see that file type when I go to 'Save As'..." TRANSFERRING!! Ahhhh... (sound warning!) http://wavcentral.com/sounds/movies/dragnet/drgnet06.mp3
[2007-04-13]
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332.
Me: "Click on 'Help'..." SF: "Will this erase what I've done?"
[2007-04-13]
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333.
CWNOTD: Krista Beweerd
[2007-04-13]
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334.
Me: "Thank you for calling (yada yada) SFI: "Nevermind that, you don't have an account w/ us yet, I just have a few questions..."
[2007-04-13]
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335.
Me-POTD (after the 50th SF today asking if can have prints w/ a three day printing turnaround delivered tomorrow): "This lack of prior planning is gonna get this country in some DEEEP shyte one day soon..."
[2007-04-13]
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336.
Another me-POTD (from yesterday, after our phone server just took a dump for the 3rd time in two days) "I try to log in, and the phone's doing Lily Tomlin impressions! One ringy-dingy... two ringy-dingy... awww, she's not answering!"
[2007-04-13]
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337.
!st call of the day... "How do I change the color of my logo once I upload it?" (roll.... meh, Morning, everyone...)
[2007-04-12]
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338.
"Talk... slooowerr.... Eyyee can't understand yoooouuu..." Soitently. From now own, I'll talk to you like you're a slow child that can only understand mono-syllables. Uh, oh, there's no one-syllable word for 'upload', so sorry, you'll have to call someone else. Kthbye!! (VEG)
[2007-04-12]
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339.
Me: "Thank you for calling (yada yada), may I have your first & last name, please?" Snooty nasal SF: "Tiffany McCall, spelled M-c-c-A-O-L..."
[2007-04-12]
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340.
SF (in re qty about to order): "What's the standard?" Me: "There's not really a 'standard' qantity, it really depends just on how many you think you'll need." SF: "I THINK they'll look just great!"
[2007-04-12]
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341.
"I'm getting an error saying '.mtp is an invalid file format. What does that mean? I'm using Microsoft Publisher Pro 'Silver Edition.' Your site says you support that, why isn't it working!?!!!?!??"
[2007-04-12]
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342.
Me: "Thank you for calling (yada yada), may I have your first & last name, please?" SF: "Barbie Angel..." (Thank $diety for the mute button!)
[2007-04-12]
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343.
"Yah, hi, I just placed my order for postcards, and like, I want them w/ a satin matte finish, so I left the UV box, like, unchecked, like, I was, like, told; but now my order says 'NO UV'. Are these going to be, like, uncoated, now?"
[2007-04-12]
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344.
SF: "I'm trying to upload a business card picture, and it's too large, I can't do anything to it." Me: "What kind of file is the image youre uploading?" SF: "A business card picture?"
[2007-04-11]
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345.
Telemarketer POTD: "Who's in charge of your company? We're interested in becoming a vendor..."
[2007-04-10]
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346.
Me-POTD: The domain may change, but the dumkopf remains the same...
[2007-04-10]
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347.
Me: "The system is having problems proofing the .pdf correctly due to specific compatibility issues in InDesign." "So, if I export as a .jpg, will that help?"
[2007-04-10]
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348.
Me:"When you clicked on the (product) link on our homepage, and the next page loaded, which link did you click on?" SF: "The one on the left..." (Yeah, that helps a lot, kthxbyte!!)
[2007-04-10]
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349.
Tongue in cheek SF: "Kick 'em off the server, mine's more important!" (I HOPE that wasn't someone here... (veg)...)
[2007-04-10]
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350.
One from Ivana I forgot: "How ken I send t |
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