Tech Stories

2. Billy, counter strike wars 2 Day 4:Remove network drivers from her system, remove network drivers from EVERY friggin system, shut down and reset ADRP, Remove reset option from router, move counterstike access into Super ADMIN with 1024bit encryption on all access files. Day4 evening: Success, no gaming. Day5: Gloat. Day5 evening: Tryst, scipt hacks, and DPD's master server, reset reg chain, removes all user profiles, migrates to TTR, then back to CIFS, Reinstalls all drives, installs Port trace and redirects all traffic through IIAP. Scipt based auto execute on 5 layer. Plays for nine friggin hours. Now im pissed. Day 6: Repair and counter. Day 7: get home to find I have completely got locked access. Stare at screen. No access, anywhere. Um... Walk over to her PC, see it boot up. See it get access, See Jane run. The little bitch has physically removed EVERY bloody component in the box, and transplated it into her own, effectively swapping computers. Surrender. Hand over the disks and CD key. Sometimes, you just cant win. Sometimes (but not very often), I really wish that I had never trained her as an engineer. With her programming knowledge, she is the master now. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments Jesus H Christ on acid. Buy the F-in game for $30. Do the battling in the sack. See who gets to wear the cuffs. -burrkiss What burrkiss said, plus leave the webcam on. ;-) -concept14 Proving that any system can be circumvented. It's even betting either way if starfish were that smart as to whether they would 1) destroy everything in existence, or 2) actually keep things running properly. -teivrann Don't forget to post the webcam link here! -missourimule *Thunderous applause* Remember, never get between a woman and her CS :) -Geminii as above, plus whips chains, heels, and let battle commence (with Web cam) in teh sack, on the floor, in the bath, on the lawn, on the fridge...can you see where this is going? -Jax Good lord. If you get pissed enough at her, I'll take her... -namor Oh, to have a tech as a girlfriend. (Sorry, position of "wife" already taken. But still taking "girlfriend" applications.) (Especially this weekend. She is going out of town with her "boyfriend" while I have to stay and work.) -Captain Trips If it helps, I do leather work on the side. I can make most of the stuff you'll need that'll looks GREAT on a webcam. ("The more you pay, the quieter I stay." is my moto) -ShujinTribble Being a Tech Wife is fun - the prospect for evil however would be far greater enhanced if I knew what the FUCK I was doing with a Macintosh. -CommanderData CD, it's easy. 1) Lift Mac base unit. 2) Deposit Mac base unit in skip. 3) Profit!! <Dodges DD & Riff, before diving into the LART shelter> -ElPolloDiablo hehehe never ever fsck with tech wives mate - never mind the desperate housewives, we are FAR more frightening. and probably collectively sexier. -timelady Brainy women are sexy. -lineswine

3. Billy, Counter Strike Wars, background Just so you know the background. A month ago she removed a couple of drives from my NAS device holding over 3TB's of downloaded "material" The array was complete distroyed, all data lost, and a very unhappy Ramius. In retaliation for her not checking the Usage indicators on the device to pull the right drive out, She was banned from playing Counter Strike source for the period of 1 week. After 8 years as my partner (a SNE and now management) and 6 years of programming experience, it was never going to be easy....read below [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments There's no below to read. *Feels hair on the back of his neck stand up* "It's coming from iside of the house1" -LoTech

4. billy wants a divorce Hey All. Sorry, no horiffic corporate blunders. But im working on it. I have great hope on a 3000KAh UPS running an entire 42 unit blade rack of duel xeons, but alas, no flames yet. To the point? I have spend 2 year collecting downloaded content. Porn, movies, you name it, its there. 2.1TB of it, all stored on 400GB accross an infortrend NAS. Come home one night, boot up the beast (see billy, wheres my gun" ) and notice that G and H drive are gone. Check everything, and finally open the case for a lookie. My beloved gf has decided she needed some extra space, she took set 1, set 4 and the parity drive. 2 years of downloads....wouldnt do it to my worst enemy. Does anyone know where you can get shotgun shells after hours? [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments 2.1Tb? Can I come and live at your house? -modeski Why don't yuo teach your girlfrined not to delete things without your permission? Nobody touches MY computer, that's for sure. -valhar2000 Why don't yuo teach your girlfrined not to delete things without your permission? Nobody touches MY computer, that's for sure. -valhar2000 ex-girlfriend? -srteach So valhar, betcha wish you could blame that double comment on someone else right about now eh? :) :) :) -Jay911 Thats total bullshit. Me personally would kick the bitchs door in and take the HDD back....or file charges of theft, depends on my mood. -burrkiss valhar's just redundant-posting is all. -ShujinTribble Ex-girlfriend for sure!!!! OR maybe she just got tired of you spending more time with your porn than with her???? -TubPorsche I vote for ex-girlfriend, or at least a mega-LART, myself. She doesn't have any business messing with your stuff like that. I wouldn't touch greenlantern's computers without specific permission, and certainly wouldn't change anything without a specific request. -sassicatz that story almost brought a tear to my eye, I think I would have a nervous breakdown -NOFXfan Hope you made cd backups as well <damn, that'd take as many cds as it would have taken floppies to back up a 1g drive...> -MadJack Someone had left his computer without a password!! <where is the LART shelter?> -AmdInside A true BOFH would identify some file that SHE will be sorry is missing and explain the whole thing to make her very sadly replace your hard drives (with better, newer ones!). -TieDyedDinosaur Personally, I'm impressed that she had the wherewithal to do it. If I had a girlfriend, and she intentionally deleted any of my stuff, I'd be mad. But a girlfriend smart enough to get into the guts of a NAS device and change things around the way she wanted? That'd make me both mad and want to marry her, heh. -NightSteel Ah, the war begins... sounds like a speech Martok made to Sisko about marriage. </extreme geek moment> -teivrann Destroying one's striped RAID is cause for justifiable homicide. My head would have exploded. -Mushroom Steal it back and burn her house down -JackMackle Lart Shelter is located in Antarctica, and the only way to get there is to be teleported into it. You should have a specialized Lart Shelter Watch, just push the emergency teleport button to be teleported into you private caveren……Yes it is underground, so enjoy. -JackMackle I'm with these guys. I'm married and my wife doesn't use my PC with out detailed instructions on what to do. -touchedTech I'm with NightSteel here. Looks like she learned something just by being around you (just not enough to know that you can't steal drives from a RAID config...) If *I* had an array that large, I'd have a locking case (partly for security, partly for the kewl factor) -LinuXtreme

5. Billy's divorce background Perhaps I should elaborate on the previous. (Oh, and that UPS is still holding up damn it!). My GF is a brilliant code monkey. She is presently employed as a senior tester in one of Australia's lagest Universities. For the past 8 years we have been swapping hardware constantly as I keep her ahead of the upgrade curve. That particular NAS unit has 9 drives at the moment. three are empty, and in her defense, she didnt look at the indicator lights to find out which one. Just removed the last 3 drives without checking the LUN config. Now, after sobbing hysterically all night, im a booked into extreme lan on the 10th to top back up, and have given her the most terrible of punishments ever inforced over the past 8 years in our relationship. Removed counterstrike source from her computer and hidden the serial key. and then blocked the ports to her computer in the router. 1 month ban, that'l learn her! [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments For the month that you have banned her counter strike source and keep all of her ports blocked, my guess is that she will block the one port of hers that you most want open (and its not a port on the router). This will be the longest month of your relationship, mark my words. -madstu Looks like Nightsteel had it right. :) -TechMama No kidding. Let's just say I wouldn't kick her out of my LAN for eating crumbs. -NightSteel ...crackers. Eating crackers. Cripes, I'm tired. -NightSteel Coward! Why not leave it on there and simply Crypto the directory so it's keyed to YOUR ID so you can merrily play to your hearts content ... but she would get ACCESS DENIED until you decide otherwise. This way, no re-install time, Nothing really removed, just EnCrypted ;-) -Necros Just set the firewall to block STEAM.EXE. -Wraith556 Tell her that you will ass counterstike back on for (insert deviant fantasy). -burrkiss *sigh* that should be ADD -burrkiss I believe burrkiss was thinking /happy/ thoughts with those last two comments. -Chipsterian

6. Billy and the beanstalk Hi all, sorry its been so long, but my clients have been unusually intelligent of late, up to today that is. Just arranged for the sale and delivery of a $(AU) 900k [$US500k] 256GB RAMDrive for a major client. He recieves it, and then, bored with waiting for the lift, decides to run it up the eight flights of stairs to the comms room. Now this guy is no Arnie, about 5 foot 6, and maby 70kg at the outside, and this box has got to be 30kg's. About six flights up, (yup, you guessed it) this absolute numbnuts trips on his own feet, falling over backups and results in "slow bouncing" this riduculously expensive hardware down at least five steps. Warranty???? I think now. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments well duh an elevator traveling at 5k per sec is slower than him running up stairs at 5k per sec. -Slycat Well, now he has a new doorstop for the server room, anyway. -NightSteel i am thinking you ill be having a new representative from that company pretty soon. -Lehk *Changes name to Billy and hands Ramius his gun* Your sawn-off, sir. -halfstarfish I wanna neeeeew rrRRRAAAAAAMMMMdriiiiiiive!! [/deadhorse] -ThreeBucks

7. Follow up to my new tech rules. just a quick note, they all passed and are now implemented, except the rudeness one. I just deal with that "unofficially" Now....about those new chairs. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments Ohwow! Your management is cool! Or did you manage to sneak the new rules past them by hiding them inside something else? -NordicPT

8. The laws of Billy As the new Technical Resources manager I have recently passed three new rules. Ill think you'll love them 1) All technical only employee's are now intitled to 10mins cool-off after confirmation of a "unusal or irritating" call 2) Personal web usage and miniature TV/DVD are perfmitted, but with solo headphone. 3) In extreme cases rudness to customers is acceptable. As is instant termination of customer accounts. I just cant wait to see how these go down. The tech's love it, managament, tell you tomorrow. I am going to argue that staff morale, and productivity will be increased due to the "Re-humanisation" of staff resources. I give me a 50/50 chance. Next, Im getting the Level 5 engineer's (what I was last week) new chairs. Today the tech's, TOMORROW the WORLD! [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments You have a slight change with rule #2, rest the management will never accept. -NordicPT Screw that, run your department as you wish. Rule with an iron fist. Its easier to apologize afterwards than beg permission. Seriously, let them judge by your numbers, not your methods. Unless you are required to run any changes by them, in which case you might wonder the need for your position at all. Stand your ground and just do it. *IF* complaints come in about numbers, then you can see what the problem is and correct it. Until then, Carpe Diem brother! -GargoyleTS Your rule #1 - how many calls a day do you expect to get done? If I took a 10 minute break after every irritating call I took in a 12 hour shift, I'd be logged in for about 9 minutes total. :) -Jay911 Good luck in your search for alternate employment <BFEG> -Digital Dogcow I give you 2 chances. Slim and none (btw, Slim is on vacation) -leonine Rule 1 won't be a big deal as long as those breaks come only after very extreme calls, and not just after any call that irritates the tech. We have a policy like this and it really does help. 2. personal web usage hasn't cause a problem, but the portable players have. 3. I hate dealing with asshole customers as much as the next person, but under no circumstance should a tech be rude to a customer. I would sooner have the tech hang up on the abusive customer (after warning them twice) than be rude. I doubt that will fly with management. -CelticSkyhawk Well, at least your heart is in the right place. If you can get just one of these policies in place, you're my new hero! -CyBear "....and then you wake up." -vacuumtubes You need to come work in our call center! AIM=no, Music=No, Rude to Customers=No, Uptight and the moral there sucks. Hey its a job, and I'm asking "would you like frys with that?" -blowpop81 Gotta agree with skyhawk here, number 3 is a bad idea, besides, that's why we have mute buttons. number 2 part b is going to get abused for sure, someone will start ignoring the fones and fark it up for everyone else. I'd bet on it. -Armakuni I disagree with #3 as I have seen too many people who need their walking papers have that one used to remove those undesirables. You need to work were I do now(right now it's cs till they train me up to tech there(satalite tv related). We need you there because we can be marked down for using the word "Prorate" in it's forms. They classify that as jargon. -Twike

9. Return of the Billy As I was reading through the contract for my new position, I became aware of something sinister brewing. A feeling not unlike that of being savaged by an anorexic face hugger. As, with a shudder of fear, I scrawled my dyslexic initials on the mark of doom, and watched the HRM grab it with a greed all too apparent, it hit me. Some diseases are fast, Ebola, Cancer, syphalis Ghonarria. Some kill slowly, step by agonising step removing the tendrels of your existance, in a process that could give the BORG a few ideas. Yes, It is the disease of diseases. The one that with a non-linier epidemic groth, devistated the 21st century. I am management, and I have starfishasitis. No more the days of remembering the transistor count of a AMD64-3800. No more the joy of pointless upgrades. But the knowledge of brain leekage, as ten years of technical proficiency is slowly suck out of me like Michael Jacksons bank balance. Please, someone of you that understands the plight. Kill me, before I call and scream...... I WANNA NEW MOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!! [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments *cha-CLICK* Ready....Aim..... -TheMage18 WOOOOT!! FIRST POST!!!! What do you mean this isn't Slashdot? -TheMage18 *sounds of variouse weapons being cocked* We'll make it fast. As my friend once said,"the better the dog, the bigger the caliber." We'll have ya stuffed , animated and settled into the Lart shelter. -Harm *Raises Riding crop, in best military voice* Company ready, aim, *Brings crop down* FIRE! -halfstarfish Hey, just maybe you can pretend this is an INFILTRATION exercise. Make like a brainless PHB in order to locate the soft sectors in their defense. Then post the results so we can plan the assault. We'll give you plenty of time to raise your caffeine level in prep for the first wave. -TieDyedDinosaur Calm down, dear boy, calm down - you'll be fine so long as you keep reading Dilbert and TSC. And feeding back to us the inside shit on other PHBs as previously suggested. BUT - any inkling that you're actually turning PHB yourself and you're going to end up looking at flowers from the wrong side courtesy of approx. 7,500 very pissed off techs, y'hear? <g> -Gromit So, basically what y'all are saying is Ramius' life is like Resident Evil, and his new job is slowly turning him into a Zombie and that this site is the blue plant that counteracts the poison that is filling him? -JH

10. How about another Billy tale. Well, good and bad news time. Good news is I have officially resigned and accepted a position with a low six figure salary, bad news is, three days to go and this ass*ole crops up Web design project. Take code monkey to meet the client. Discuss requirements, all la-di-dah-dah and good. Very impressed with the C.M. She starts work. Everything going fine for a while. Website looks good, now database time. First question from C.M. "sql db, active, Heidro, or access?" access? are you bloody S**ting me? but okay. SQL please and hold the mayo. no fries either. four days to deadline. another email "how many fields was it again. 130 or 151???" Uh oh. Not good. to the best of my knowledge (as the account manager, tech com, and syseng of the project ) there should be only seven. Let the poor lass know and even resend the database. Third email " its okay now. Ready to mount/upload." Ask to see it. She has just incorporated our ENTIRE customer database onto a completely unsecured web site that specialises in selling textiles. Including address's, CC numbers, recent sales history, you name it, its there. Turns out. Client database stored on our exchange. GCAD.***. OUR customer database CGAD.***. The twit had logged on, accessed the wrong bloody db, ported out, and mounted. Im getting the hell out of here before the lawyers turn up. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments *blink* .....that's just beyond WTF -redevil34 Right time to be leaving, methinks. -namor Time for a sharp exit. Time, for a cool sharp harp. </90s advert> -modeski OK, take a deeeeep breath. Repeat after me. It's THEIR database. It's THEIR Codemonkey. It's THEIR problem. Practice. Remember, it's just the LAST of many reasons that made you leave. -TieDyedDinosaur

11. Billys back...with a vengence Hi everybody. I though maby I was finished with these tales...but lo' and behold...heres another one. A long, long time ago, (10 mins) in a galaxy far far away, (australia) the starfish were spawning. Small but very rich company. All good. After 12 months of deliberation, and a 12guage of negotiation actually buy something. A duel boot workstation. All still good. Windows and linux...okay, thats fine, XP and Red Hat enterprise WS....coolie, should be okay. State of the art hardware...Yippeee...coolie..no pro~~~ what??? oh..um...okaaaay...(silently...@#($)*&@#(*%&) So the bits are put together. Good high end, all the trimmings. I spent so much time talking to red hat corp that were getting married next week, and my present wife has locked herself in the cubbord with her 50hp vibrator until she dies of lubricititus. Now for the duel boot. 72 hours to deadline. Nforce 4 board not supported. Ramius worried. 60 hours to deadline , Nforce SATA chipset, no reliable drivers for kernal, Ramius a little concerned, 48 hours to deadline, Full system crash following failed install. DVD drive decides to distroy the origonal REDHAT disks...Ramius a little upset. 24hours to deadline. Downloaded origonal full iso's. wrong kernal. Ramius genuinely pissed off. 2 hours to deadline, Complete and utter Level 4 GSF resulting in a complete rebuild. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! (turns to wife in cubbord...give ME the dildo..I NEED it now). 24 hours past deadline. Given to linux specialists. 48 hours past dealine. Find out nothing special about specialist. 72 hours past deadline, give to some other special specialists. See shrink. Get told that im stressed. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments He told you that you were stressed? Before or after he found out you were a tech? :D -missourimule No fsking shit, Sherlock Starfish. :D -halfstarfish

12. Billy, back with a vengence cont 80 hours past deadline, finish cleaning up blood from shrink. Told system ready. 88 hours past deadline, deliver system. Monitor fault, fixed. 90hours past deadline. Client ordered another system. See 72 hours to deadline. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...its not fair...its not fair....Retreets to bathroom with voyer pics of natalie portman, an inflatable pauline hanson doll, six litres of peanutbutter, and an extension ladder. See you all in a week. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments Please explain! </Pauline Hanson> -LadySharky extension ladder? <secon thought: Idonwannaknow> -Bilkor Extension ladder? if you want further info, just ask burrkiss...he gave me the idea first... -Ramius I'd prefer the Natalie Portman doll. Although one of Keira Knightly would suffice. -Wraith556 PB and a ladder? Nah, more fun with a 5-gallon drum of Motor oil, a set of jumper cables, and a couple of shaved dobermans. <bfeg> "Hey, who are you? I didn't order a *long*-sleeved coat! It's 85 degrees outside!" -missourimule http://www.paulinehanson.com.au/ - independant candidate in australia, it looks like. SFW. -namor If you buy the syrup the rubber bands are free. -DizzyDan Do we have a Burrkiss-in-training? Oh goddess, no, please...the disgusting smut level is too high! -CommanderData Twelve feet of ruber surgical tubing, 5 galans of petrolium-based lubricant and a yak </Leather Goddes Of Phobos> -ShujinTribble Nah, I've been *under* the gutter since I was a little kid. (and I'm 34 now) However, in this case, it was a paraphrase of a bit Jeff Foxworthy used in one of his early shows. -missourimule

13. Billy. the end of a saga Well boys and girl. The fantastic saga spanning days of my life, which has involved the dumbest excuse for a human being has wound down. Thanks for all your posts, really enjoyed the responses. Now for the last little bit. Recieved an email (yes its a saturday but my job is seven days 24hours) from the CEO. Our dear friend Edwards has just been summerily dismissed from said company and is now facing "malicious damages" charges from the company involved, totaling the damage value of $(AU)784,218(US$502,972)(including lost productivity of the ENTIRE NETWORK, affiliates, partners, and anything else they can think up. And me, i just scored myself two still functioning FX-53 AMD CPU's, and 8GB of ECC CL 2.0 memory, not to mention a few still fully functional 147GB raptor drives. After much apology a replacement unit is on the way, and the distributer has written off the unit unresolved (which means that they dont want it back). Just goes to show that these dumbnuts exist for a reason, my upgrade. Have a great weekend all. Hope I have another saga to tell soon,(though not too soon) I need a new graphics card. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments Bravo! You should tell him to keep his spirits up, or in other words, have a Coke and a smile. -Jay911 Ironiclly enough, I'm drinking coke and smiling right now. Double irony, I'm snorting cock and smiling right now. I love the morning. -burrkiss AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh thats COKE COKE!!!!! -burrkiss ...sure it is, burrkiss...sure it is.... Good score, Ramius! -Grue ROFLMAO.... Don't you wish you could delete comments the way you can delete posts? *snicker* Does your lovely wife know about these... um.... snorting tendencies of yours? <bfeg> -RiffRaff *Claps* Good for you, Ramius! A nice LART, one less starfish at your job, and a sweet upgrade! Lucky stiff! *raises glass* Here's to getting that graphics card soon! You may want to check the post about flipping the display on the monitor upside down...Might help? -halfstarfish A little freudian slip there, eh Burkiss? <BFEG> -flapjackboy Um, yeah, we loves ya, Burrkiss, but do ya ever think about anything else? TAXI! LART shelter, warp ten! -halfstarfish High-end upgrades, too, by the sounds... I'm jealous. -namor this was the fuggnugget that pour coke on the server cuz it was 78f, right? -SGTARKyTEK btw burkiss i think I will use your quote as my sig credited to you of course lol -SGTARKyTEK Well, I think the competition for best stupidity tax just got taken...I really can't see to many of us being able to top this one. As for Burrkiss, are any of us really surprised?? -redevil34 burrkiss - and i was so interested... -JLo Ramius, you just made the top ten in the LART of The Year league. -Gromit Leave it to burrkiss to create a new sexual position. -teivrann Burkiss, O.O -RTFM Burkiss...I have just two words for you. BASH.ORG... smile for the camera :D -fearmyroot Thanks Burrkiss. That will go down in history as the very first time I've actually had to spit my drink before it came out my nose. -scooby111 burrkiss - spit, snort or swallow? </crudity> -omegawolf Those are BIG nostrils. -ShutUpAndHangUp

14. Billy, wheres my gun PART @...tatataDAAA Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, as I was furiously punching out the last post regarding a lightly smouldering quad BDRS, and gibbering quietly into my coffee, more trouble were to befall. Regarding a MR R J Edwards (convicted computercide). About 15 mins ago ( its 7:39pm here) I recieve an emergency call from the individual in question, claiming that the REDUNDANT redundant backup relay server has just gone down. All you techhies have a look. Symptoms 1) Fluctuating fs line voltage 2)Variable speed , SCSI RAID 5 3) Unknown BSOD errors. Windows storage server 5)Continual SIS-4 warnings. 6) Line overvolt warnings 7) Machine check exemptions. Other issues, same rack as the quad FX. This is their only single running RDBS now. Over 15TB of data reliant on a single Xeon 1.2Ghz and a 150 users all demanding remote access on a single 10mbit line. Anyone hazard a guess as to the cause? and the life expectancy. Who ever gets it right will recieve a CC email of my exact response at time of sending. You have until 10:02am EST. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments I'd say the life expectancy would be 16 nano-seconds short of the time it takes to back up the data, but nah, too obvious. The real life expectancy is ... Let's see, carry the four ... 37.82 seconds. -Calydor and the cause? -Ramius Cause: Overflow of coke from the FX? Or messed up electrical in the cabinet as a result? BTW - I know people have been here longer then me but I can't think of a more flooring first post series...holy sh!t doesn't not even begin to put into words what I'm thinking...I would seriously consider a trip across to pond just to kill this guy - first I'd shove that bottle up his a$$ along with his head after inserting a small lit stick of dynamite into it. -redevil34 Coke-boy shorted out the UPS? -namor Umm.. he plugged something personal into the outlet and overloaded it? An inflatable zombie goat, perhaps? -TechieSidhe Do we smell ozone? -vacuumtubes <rant> This excuse for an oxygen absorber was an IT manager? Fark me, how did this total` farking idiot get the job...blackmail? A member of the CEOs immediate family? Or just a McDs' workr who got lucky? It is criminal that real, experienced IT techs get paid a pittance & get treated like shit, when single digit I.Q. morons get well paid positions....that is just plain wrong </rant> -lineswine lineswine - I've wondered about that before. I think it's due to the fact that real techs devote more of their brain to finding & fixing problems, whereas fake techs don't care to, they just devote 10% of the power to fixing, and 90% to cover-up and BS. Which, in management, gets you farther than hands-on experience and knowledge. -namor

15. Billy, wheres my gun PART 3...tatataDAAA aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDD POP!! goes the monkey....hahahaha hahaha...***snort*** hahaha HA HA HA HAWAWAW hahahaha, **cought, gargle** HA ahahahahahaha !!**burp**!!....haha ha. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments 0_x -modeski Cool,I broke his brain!</Bart Simpson> -Snakeeye

16. Billy wheres my gun: my responce email Redevil....YOU WIN!!!!! congratulations...you are officially promoted to the title of assistant PFY and recieve the gold screwdriver...(coming in the mail, if it doesnt arrive, blame Australia post...). As for my promise, the Cut and paste of my email. I have removed a couple of boring bits Robert Edwards IT manager **************** ******* *********** ********* Dear Robert Re: failure notice AE192843-A 7:02pm 7/05/05 2005 Ticket number 166 Client Number: ****** ****** Some issues I would like to you consider. 6) Despite your somewhat heroic attempts to prevent a tempreture related thermo-nuclear explosion on System AE192843-A through a tempreture report of 22.43oC despite the already installed and fully functioning water cooling system (Cicso Cyber-cool X2, serial number: xxxx.*****************), it is unfortunent that your revolutionary use of a suger based liquid (Coca Cola) did not have the expected results. Perhaps you would have been more successful should you have used diet. The spontanious death of computer devices through obesity have been well documented and explored. 7)Of course, it is our policy that "the customer is always right" and in continuing our policy, I recommed that you correct tempreture fluctuations in your AUDI by inducing the same substance into it's fuel mixture. 8) As for your second server, I wish to explain the principle of "gravity" to you in the hopes of some cognitive ability will resolve itself in the failure. [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments YEEEAHHAWWWWWW, I finally won something!! Wait---assistant PFY, HEY! -redevil34

17. Billy wheres my gun: my responce contin. 7)Of course, it is our policy that "the customer is always right" and in continuing our policy, I recommed that you correct tempreture fluctuations in your AUDI by inducing the same substance into it's fuel mixture. 8) As for your second server, I wish to explain the principle of "gravity" to you in the hopes of some cognitive ability will resolve itself in the failure. 9) **** ******* will not longer provide ANY support, services, products, time, or oxygen in the ongoing operations of your business. I will even visit a priest to see that any evil that may have passed between us in the ongoing support of your account be expunged. We WILL NOT PROVIDE REPLACEMENT. Should you have any issues with this please contact our legal department which will be more then happy to lodge numberous counter-suits and see to it that your future endevours in a local textile mill will be fruitful. (more and more blah blah with a legal page and bits and pieces) I sincerely hope that your database is recoverable, and a complete copy of every point of data, including RMS logs, Core dumps, RDDS info, User logs, and SMU as well as recordings of all correspondance between yourself and I, are forwarded to your CEO, whom I hope on reciept, will take the appropriate action. (BLAH BLAH) Best Wishes ******* ****** Senior Operations Engineer ** ***** (Anyway, hope you guys enjoy this. Have a laugh at work and think of me. Oh, and if you are wondering if management support this, I am management...and the CEO is laughing in the office next to mine as I type this.) [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments Excellent LART, let me buy you a beer in the LART lounge. -mccallister Excellent outcome, too... I think redevil should be honored. -namor "Impressive, most impressive" -- Darth Vader voice -Olorin Again, I am humbled by the LART Extraordinaire! -ecoli "Fascinating..." </Mr. Spock voice> Absolute classic LART! -Gromit

18. Billy, His repsonse to my email ******* are you being sarcastic? Edwards [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments Reply (with CEO CC'd clearly): "No" Where the hell did they find this guy???? -redevil34 No, I was serious about you needing to dump Coke into your gas tank. When its half full just use your lighter to check and see. -burrkiss "No, I'm just taking the cost of a replacement server out of your paycheck." -Geminii

19. Billy, wheres my GUN!!!! Thats, it...seven god damn years and ive had it. half a million calls, a hundred thousand call outs, 50 ulcers, and a bad case of flacidity, and then this twerp pops up. SMB owner, running a large Filemaker database (dont ask), which is OCBD'd in a SQL (again dont ask) gets brand new server. This thing is a dream, 4 FX53 chips on a Tyan 4884 with 16GB of mem, for his 50 odd staff and 100 odd traveling reps to access (didnt I just say dont ask?). Installed, good, perfect, doom 3 a treat (dont ask okay, i mean it this time). Anyway, friggin tyan equip all boards with a tempreture reader. and it likes to pop up. Just its in fareignheight, not celcius. Pops up 78oF on the owner. He immediately dumps the best part of 2 litres of Coca cola into the machine to stop it from "overheating". (the next time you ask, im going to polish the back of your teeth with my boot!) And then has the audacity to claim warranty replacement on a $(AU)50,000 machine ($34,500US)becuase of, and I quote, "improper water resistance and lack of cooling peripherals" okay, now you can ask...nope, changed my mind... anyway, anyone know of a gardening agency that needs workers. its either that or......"BILLY! Get me my gun....." [By: Ramius] Comment on Story Comments o -burrkiss m -burrkiss g -burrkiss For Sale: Metabolic Glucose Processor - never used! Original owner died from Terminal Computer Stupidity, proving lack of use. Great replacement unit for installation in the family starfish! Get it now, only one available! -Grue Lol. Sorry for the spiel guys, long frigging day, anyway, sorted now, just need to find a shovel and some soft dirt -Ramius Oh. My. Fucking. God. Why was this MORON allowed anywhere NEAR the server in the FIRST PLACE? -Mahal Put this 'owner' in a room with a 220v outlet. Put an extremely heavy breaker on the outlet. Hand him a bottle of Coke and tell him the outlet is overheating. -teivrann kill him. no creativity needed. get rid of him before he can even THINK of breeding -xtc46 dude.. i got a wood chipper.. now al wee need to do is mix it into some live stock feed and were set. pigs WILL eat anything. -Harm That conclusion was painful. Shoot him. All the different ways for him to die are just pretty window dressing. -namor ... and what made him think that *coke* was the best cooling agent for this??? -namor Starfish #1 was whoever failed to localize the temperature popup for machines sold in countries that use Celsius (ie almost all of them). But Starfish #2 leaped far beyond #1 on the fishiness scale when he dumped Coke in the machine to cool it. -thx1138 Harm: I prefer the chickenwire approach. Roll the dude up in chickenwire, weigh it down wityh som haevy rocks and throw him into the river. That way the fishes can nibble on him and the chickenwire will prevent any bodyparts from surfacing. I read this in both Terry Pratchett 'hogfather' and Tom Clancy 'without remorse' so it must work heh heh heh. -Bilkor The stupidity of the SF is outstanding... Btw, how much is 72F in standard (=Celcius)? -NordicPT that's 22C!!! that's not even warm. It's warmer than that in this office right now - why the hell did it even pop up? My old machine used to run at 85C (erm... until it burnt out... wonder why?) -Shaede *legally change my name to Billy* *Hands Ramius sawn-off* *Sits down to listen to satisfying sounds of gunfire* Who the fuck gave this twat permission to be within twenty feet of the server. Shoot that person as well -Criptonite WOW....all I can say is wow.... SF never cease to amaze me in how stupid they can be....wow..... -jwinc7 *sobs at the loss of a sweet sweet machine* -stpatience Well, at least he doesn't have to worry about rust in the machine, as apparently Coke takes care of that. But what a way to treat an excellent machine! -ShiftedBeef Okay, so numbnutz thought he could introduce a liquid-cooling system to this machine. And the Lord shouted from the mountainside, "THOU ART A FUCKNUGGET IN MINE SIGHT..." -vacuumtubes Yeesh! What an idiot. He should be summarily castrated. Or better yet, doused in honey and tied to an anthill. -ThreeBucks To: Companywide | Subject: Where did the server go (funny!)? | Body: If any of you are wondering what happened to your new $50,000 server, SFname decided to pour Coke in it and blow it up. I am not making this up. Please direct all your queries to him. -Geminii holy god, send me his replacement or keep it for yourself and give him this single-processor P4. Just slap a couple really high-noise cooling fans in there and he won't know the difference. .. c'mon, you know he isn't putting it to decent use :( -renderer <blinks> *headdesk x infinity* -PTSTech Don't kill the stupid motherfarker, just make sure he & any living offspring are unable to breed. Then you can laugh in his face about his 'warranty claim'...."improper water resistance"? This isn't a boat or a farking raincoat you dickhead! On second thoughts about raincoats, maybe he thought it was a Mac. <Let me in Riffy, they're armed with pitchforks this time!> -lineswine That guy needs to be force-fed some jacks. -murdermachine humm, anyone want a nice cold coke now ? :-) -Deadagent Let's see, quick Google on F to C converstion, that's 28C.. Pretty damn cool considering my P4 runs at 30C+ on idle. -TheMage18

Customer Misconceptions