Tech Stories

2. So long and thanks for all the phishes Ok, so I'm at work here at $We_Launch_Rockets, dealing with an issue one of the executive OA's is having when I get a buzz on the corporate ball-and-chain (Blackberry). I look at the message header, and started snickering... it was from some phisher claiming to be from Chase Online. Now, I don't use Chase (never will), so I knew that the phisherman was just trying to get a nibble. No dice... I send a copy to an email address for such things at Chase, another to our security folks, and did a check online for virus detection (sadly, only three virus scanners flagged it). And folks wonder why I want to borrow an A-10 with a nuclear-tipped missile to use on these folks? [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments I've seen the very one you're talking about. Checked the domain and its up for grabs. :) -MaskedMarauder hmm... let me check. Yea i have a cuouple flaying bathtubs you could borrow.. no nuke missiles though. just a few interestingly enhanced hellfires. -Harm Napalm and cluster bombs. They might be outlawed but they are a nice combination. -Wraith556

3. A little advanced warning is helpful... I know, it's been a while since I've posted any real stories, since my place of work here has actually been mostly filled with clued-in people. I know, there's no such thing as clued-in users, but trust me when you're dealing with rocket scientists and engineers, they *do* have a clue from time to time. However, occasionally there's the rare sighting of idiotic behavior that makes you go 'Why???' Today was such a day... I get notice by one of the office admins that there's a request for a loaner phone. User is going overseas on business, and management wants to stay in touch as he doesn't have a company cell phone. No problem, I have a spare phone that we can provision. When is the user going on travel? "Tomorrow." AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! They knew about this a month ago... but waited until the last minute, and normally it takes a week or two to get a cell phone provisioned. [I have a flag associated with my name in the software used by our helldesk, that basically says 'if he needs it now, get it to him NOW.'] Yes, I got the phone provisioned and all are happy... but give me more warning, folks. We can't keep doing rush requests, people up the line with things like VP in front of their names get annoyed after a while. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments they design, they don't plan. that is your job! :) -gashach only Tomorrow? Not " already left and in *halfway around the globe* - but just remembered to tell us now"? -Harm Problem is, now that you've done it, that's what they'll expect next time, too. -NightSteel We just hired a new engineer. We need you to have his workstation set up so he can use it tomorrow. -VIPERsssss If everyone is high priority, then sooner or later no one is high priority. Usually sooner. -AmazingKreskin That's one great thing about being self-employed - I set my own rules. One of them is "If you have a balls-alight emergency caused by your own lack of forethought, there's a rush charge. If you won't pay the rush charge it's not that important." <Insert evil grin here> -Gromit Know the feeling well. Ours like to do that when they need a laptop and VPN access, niether of which are handled by our dept, but we submit the requests for them. -ravensentinel I'm with Harm - you mean they called before they got on the plane or checked in at the hotel - or the cruise ship set sail? Oh, and did they mention they took one of our air cards with them? -redevil34 how about the ever popular "We had a new hire start last week, why don't they have a computer/phone/dildo yet?" First I have heard about it. -ecoli ecoli - At the previous workplace, we had a rule: Two days notice on new hires for getting a computer in place. A few managers had to learn the hard way to tell us in advanced, and one never did... never mind learning how to submit the requests for computer accounts, email accounts... -VoiceOfSanity

4. There's never enough bandwidth Ok, it's been a while since I've posted anything. Considering that I've moved to Houston (the Energy City) and have been enjoying my work and my life (shocking!), there's been little to say or write about. At least, until today. For those who aren't in the know, the Space Shuttle Atlantis was launched today (yay!) however... when you have a facility of some 1800+ people, all of whom work on or support the Shuttle Program in one way or another, and you only have a OC-3 data connection to the rest of the world (155MBit/sec), you shouldn't be surprised when your network tries to melt down when everyone is trying to watch the shuttle launch. Which it tried to do between 11:24 and 11:30am EDT (launch was at 11:29:04) I was just chuckling as I listened to the networking guru ranting over the bandwidth... just chuckling softly. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Hence why we don't even allow internet access to our entire building....except my computer and a small computer lab seperate from the rest. -ravensentinel ONLY an OC-3??!! oh hell! i fraakin well remeber working on that line when i was a highschool co-op.. OC-192 was just outa of project name and heading toward RTM. You'd figure given the advances somewere like $we-put-stuff-off-planet$ would have picked up new lines within the last 10 years (been outta highschool a while now) -Harm Harm - you'd think, but not really. The last place I worked didn't have but a 64MBit/sec link... and that was for 600 people to work on. Remember, you're not supposed to be surfing the net during work hours. At least, that's what they keep saying. -VoiceOfSanity ours is only 64mbs for over 800 users. Thankfully i'm not in the office of technology. -deedadee okay yes.. well... that IS true.. erm... -Harm The smart move would have been to have a local server mirroring the video link. -thx1138 tax1138 - Actually, they do. But folks ignore the local link for the direct feed from NASA, or Ustream, or CNN... and that causes the plaque to build up in our pipes... *gryn* -VoiceOfSanity Well, it is still paid by a gov't budget, ouch. Gotta admit, it's to be expected under those awesome-sauce kinda circumstances. A bittersweet day for manned spaceflight. -MadJack "when you have a facility of some 1800+ people, all of whom work on or support the Shuttle Program in one way or another" they might consider showing the launch on the large screens they have in every conference room in the building? -TechMama TechMama - The mentality is that if you're watching it at your desk, you can be doing work at the same time. So they'll take the networking hit instead of doing the simple or obvious things... -VoiceOfSanity ours is only 64mbs for over 800 users. Thankfully i'm not in the office of technology. -deedadee

5. Joplin MO Check-in As you may know from the news, Joplin Missouri was slammed with a tornado last night (22 May 2011). Just doing a check-in to see if anyone was in the area. [I've already heard this being called Tuscaloosa, the Sequel] [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments This is the same size of a tornado that hit the nearby town of Cullman nearly a month ago. However, due to it staying on the ground for a longer distance, hitting a much larger town, and hitting at night, it's a much worse event. I still think Tuscaloosa got it worse than Joplin, but time will quickly resolve that debate. -DukeOfURL I saw the devastation in Tuscaloosa firsthand days after the tornado hit. After seeing pictures of Joplin, there's simply no comparison; Joplin got it so much worse. -DukeOfURL The hospital there is one of our customers, we've had no word from anyone, but with the communication being so unsteady there that's a bit expected. From the pictures in the news, the hospital was hit pretty bad. -CelticSkyhawk Nah the family is fine, lost the double wide though. <dives into the LARTS> -DarkRookie Another storm came through this morning and there are more on the way which is hampering search and rescue efforts. There was a tornado that touched down not too far from where I live, and it looks like things will NOT be letting up until Wednesday. Everyone in northeastern Oklahoma is sending help to Joplin, which is about three hours from where I am now. -OKTechChick Saw the hospital on the news this morning. Looks like a tornado hit it. (Of course. That's why it's an appropriate cliche.) They were even telling stories like "watching a 300 pound man sucked out the window." My feelings go out to the victims. -Captain Trips Captain Trips, I don't think anyone at the hospital got 'sucked out the window', as I heard the staff got as many patients into corridors before the storm struck. Still, the damage is massive, just as bad as Tuscaloosa. [Speaking of which, Sports Illustrated dedicated the cover to the story of the Tuscaloosa survivors (and a heartbreaking story as well), and is running an online auction for the relief efforts.] -VoiceOfSanity http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1186008/1/index.htm?eref=sisf for the Sports Illustrated story on Tuscaloosa. -VoiceOfSanity Jebus! http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7367073n&tag=related;photovideo -Stryker One

6. Yes, Virginia, There Is A Karma Goddess A little backfill here: In mid-August, a job posting was placed on the internal employment website in the company I work for. The job was to do executive level support at a facility in Houston, Texas (a rather large one that's attached to something called the Johnson Space Center.) Having gotten tired of dealing with the mismanglement at my current place of employment (same company), I applied for the position. Fast forward now to the end of October, when I was finally interviewed for this position. I go through the interview, dazzle them with my expertise... and then it's as if a cone of silence was dropped. Not one word, not a hint as to what was going on. Granted, the fact that it took two months just to finally get around and interview people should have given me a hint, but... fast forward to this afternoon. An email arrives from someone I've not met, and is a secure message. I open it up... and lo and behold, I've been given an offer for the position. It took me about... five seconds before I was already responding back with my accepting of the position. It meant a promotion to a higher level, and a pay increase of roughly 25% above what I'm getting now. So Happy Hanukkah to me (no, I'm not Jewish)/early Yule present. So yes, Virginia, there is a karma goddess. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Sometimes GOOD things happen to nice people. -atomicbill Congratulations! -Grue woot! Congratulations! -MrsQuadrinaro You don't have to be Jewish for the timing to work out! Good luck, and congrats! -Captain Trips Good news! -MadJack Very nice, congrats! -Seamyst To each one what they deserve. Congrats! -Dr Jerkyl Nice ! -Spyder19

7. A little Karma needed... Situation: I have an interview in two weeks with a different group with the company I work for. This would mean a) a pay increase, b) a bump in the level of my job, and c) a move to the Washington DC region. While I think I can nail the position, a little help in the karma department would always be helpful... and yes, I certainly would look forward to the change. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments The Itty Bitty Karma Committee is on the way: http://images.free-extras.com/pics/k/kittens-463.jpg -AmazingKreskin Karmapult launching your way! -TieDyedDinosaur You could use my Karma but it's in the shop. I ran over a dogma. -atomicbill Sending what I can spare, good luck. -Stryker One Good luck! -Grue Karma, you, send, am, I, ing, s, th Use these words as you see fit -PoglaTheGrate One Keg-O-Karma™ coming your way. Good luck! -ecoli Sending you mine! -Seamyst Much Karma sent to you. GL on the interview. And beware of my sister and her friend Hailey lol. -KrazerKap Concrete Cow Karma being sent along the grid system now... -Diptera Karma muffins in the express oven! -ManyHats

8. My Head Hurts!! Ok, a little backfill here. As most folks know, I work at $We_Build_Jets and therefore the rules for using a computer are different than for someone using their computer at home. But I have to ask myself, why? Why do they think that they can do the kinds of idiotic, stupid and potentially illegal things that they probably do at home on a work system? Today's exhibit includes a machine that I had to recover data from, and in doing so discovered that the two users who share the system also had a good amount of MP3s and AVI files under their profiles. We're talking entire collections of artists and entire seasons of television shows. And they think they can get away with it!! GAH!! Breathing rights need to be revoked!! [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Easy enough. Imply that one or more of the files was a terrorist based propaganda item. They'll get their clearence revoked. Problem solved ;) -Necros No work being done at work? Off to the LART shelter! -KrazerKap Why don't you just store it on your personal <hee> network drive? Plenty of space there! Fired a couple of guys for that. -AngrySup We don't care about music,video,pics,etc where I am. But the minute they complain about slow performance or HD space we get to tell them they have to delete all that crap before we will even think about trouble shooting. -n8 Insta-fired, with a 50% chance of dental work -ThinTheHerd by dental work you mean getting their teeth kicked in? -drachen Change their wallpapers to a copy of corporate policy on acceptable use od company machines? Too subtle? -McSmiley

9. Ida, oh Ida... For those who don't know, I happen to live along the Gulf Coast, on the edge of Florida that sticks westwards towards New Orleans. And as anyone who's been following the news, I have a visitor this morning, Ida. Now, my workcenter decided to shut down "just in case", so yesterday I spent most of the day getting things covered with blue tarps and ready in case things got bad. (Mind you, Ida was a Cat 1 at that time). Go home, sleep... and now I wait and see what happens. @whee... nothing like a half day off thanks to Mother Nature. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments I have a friend in Freeport, so she spent half the day in the house just in case. Apparently it wasn't too horrible -AdmiralLaurie We never get any "weather" here in Sandy Eggo. -atomicbill ...but we do have climate! "Late night and early morning low clouds, otherwise sunny." (Being a weather reporter here in Sunny Sandy Eggo must get really boring!) -Captain Trips Suddenly I have a craving for Tater Tots.... -Biosynthetic Just to let folks know, Ida fizzled out so that all we ended up with was a little wind (hit 40mph) and some rain. Not like some of the storms I've gone through... Betsy (1965), Camille (1969), Andrew (1992), Ivan (2004), Katrina (2005)... -VoiceOfSanity Bill, Cap: Why do you think there's a collective GROOOOAANNNN across the county every time KUSI puts John Coleman on the air? (VEG) -MadJack

10. ITIL'd to Death A bit of backfill - my mangler decided that the entire Helpdesk team (all two and a half of us) needed to attend ITIL training. So for the past two and a half days, we've been subjected to a constant droning by the instructor, who did not have any presentation material for the class and merely read from the book. Needless to say it has been a challenge to stay awake, much less pay attention to the class. And tomorrow we have to take the test... such fun! NOT!! [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments I SOOOOOO feel your pain! I have to deal with ITIL every minute of every day. The 2 days I spent at ITIL training made me wish I was at the dentist having a cavity filled instead! -CathyV Droning mindlessly from a book != training. -Seamus All ITIL has done for us is cause us to not be able to do our jobs, and we don't even get training on it. -sassicatz My last several classes for some cert or other (think four letter-dod- no M's or C's) involved doing a prequal on line of a huge power point (which you could take the quiz at the same time if you were a decent split screener) Then go to the class and the instructor would run the same power point, only "NO TEST" because we'd already taken it! Talk about Dain Bramage!@%$ -jerrybear Ah sh!t! They've just adopted it here, we're in for a rough ride. -DazZler OMG it's ISO 900X training for IT!!! OMG. Gotta do it though, so the consultants can make money...... -beatmewithstick "He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no-one had a chance to interrupt, it was really quite hypnotic." </Picard, 'Timescape'> -MadJack

11. Some days you're the pigeon... As you all know, being in IT we are expected to have many roles. But there are days like today when the roles we have to play are more suited to a carnival side show than IT. For example, you have to be Mr. Amazing, the weight lifter (hauling 20+ Dell PW5400 systems and monitors from one building to another). Then you need to be Abu, the Rubber Boy (wrigging about between boxes and junk to get all the cables connected). Not to mention The Amazing Whodini (make magic happen with their network connection) and Ms. Mystero, the psychic (read my mind and know where I want the stuff). And don't forget the Human Target (avoiding the knives in their eyes when things aren't to their satisfaction) and the Fire Eater (as you're forced to swallow the flaming emails that their management sends out to your management). And to wrap it up, you're the Elephant Man (as everyone treats you with scorn and disdain). [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments any wonder techs self medicate? -Harm Don't forget being Siamese twins because you have to do twice as much as everybody else in the company. And if you are the bearded lady, I really don't want to see that. -LordObsidian And on top of that, you have to be the Voice of Sanity. That much I couldn't do. :p <rides to the LART shelter in a miniature car full of clowns> -TheGhost Ha! Nice allegory. -rosemetal Lord: I've worked with the Bearded Lady at tech support gigs. They tend to know more answers so become team leads and you wind up talking to them (trying not to stare at their beards and chest tattoos). -Mushroom How about animal tamer (dealing with dust bunnies), the (wo)man of a thousand voices (yes, I know TCP/IP, VBASIC, COBOL etc because I'm a hardware tech), the amazing magnifico (watch as they are able to materialise spare parts from accross the country, marvel as they are able to complete a job that takes all week in a few hours) and the fastest person alive (you will be on the edge of your seat after a request comes in at 4:45 on a Friday afternoon - will the fastest person alive be able to complete the request by 9:00 Monday?) -PoglaTheGrate "Nab him, Jab him, Tab him, Grab him, Stop that pigeon....NOW!!" <Archaic 1969 HB Cartoon Reference> -vacuumtubes Wow, haven't thought about that cartoon in about 30 years....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AZlE7TiwSM -Biosynthetic Ghost: You drive a Chevy Aveo? -Grembo

12. 40th Anniversary This is more for those of us who didn't grow up through the 60's and remembers July 20, 1969 with fond memories: http://www.wechoosethemoon.com Relive what was perhaps one of mankind's greatest adventures. And remember, this was done basically with pencil, paper and slide rulers... computers were not as available back then. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments I wish I could have seen it live... The next one is the first human on Mars! -Caboose447 I wish we would go back there. I wish I could weigh 40lbs without all the exercising and dieting. BTW, I heard some where that the original gray body blank and white screen had more computing power than that of the shuttle itself -DarkRookie I remember that day: it was a love/hate thing: I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, yet I hated the fact that they interrupted my cartoons. Bastards. -Biosynthetic There actually were computers aboard the Apollo and LEM; the LEM's, of course, had to actually consistently win the Lunar Landing game. There is a LEM computer simulator on the web somewhere; I can't now find it, but documentation is here: http://www.klabs.org/history/history_docs/mit_docs/sw.htm The Shuttle has a tell-me-three-times computer system which is significantly less powerful than the 8088-based laptop computers that flew with the astronauts the first few missions... IIRC. -chazz I remember all of this vividly. I remember holding the family up from leaving on a day trip to the beach because I wanted to see the launch (9:32 AM EDT... my father was pissed because he wanted to get on the road). I also remember the landing, and staying up late waiting and waiting for the over 6 hours between landing and the first excursion to the surface. I think it's fair to say that this was the biggest "external" event in my life. It shaped the rest of my life, triggering my love of astronomy and computers. I often think about how amazing it has been to be alive at that point in time. For millenia, people looked at the moon and fantasized about going there. After July 20, 1969, all of humanity knew we were there and nothing seemed impossible for us to accomplish. -SalParadise Some years ago, My wife and son and I went to Cape Kennedy to take the NASA tour. It was, of course, amazing. They have a control room set up (from the Gemini era I believe) and replay one of the launches with spotlights indicating the active stations. There are extra effects, like blast shields closing and big subsonic rumbles at launch time, and it seemed so amazingly real. When it was over, my wife pointed out that I had tears running down my face. I wonder if there will ever be anything else that we do that is so monumental an achievement. -SalParadise Here's an annotated transcript of the Apollo 11 moon landing. Thought some of you may be interested. http://history.nasa.gov/alsj/a11/a11.landing.html -rdwells We took the Cape Kennedy tour just back in April. The control center you may be thinking of is, in fact, the Apollo 11 center, that was retained intact after that mission completed. -chazz I'm glad I was born when I was (even though it makes me an Old Phart now), because I got to watch the first moon landing on tv when I was 14. That was a great age for sense-of-real-life-wonder. -concept14 Tech song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVOOXQo22o -concept14 Mised it as I was underwater at the time. -atomicbill I remember being sent home from school-along with everyone else-so we could go home and watch it on the tv, since the school didn't have enough for everyone. I still remember it. -wylfwt For those who are interested, my story. I recall the launch very vividly, watching on the television... then being told that we were heading to Alexandria as my great-grandfather had died that day. He was 104 years old, from the end of the Civil War to the day we reached for the moon. But we were home in time for me to watch the moon landing... sitting in the living room just waiting in the dead of night for those images to appear. *sigh* Those were times you never forget... -VoiceOfSanity I remember it, too. I was between my freshman and sophomore years in college and my roommates and I didn't have a TV. We listened to it on the radio. -sassicatz Next Monday. Payday for me, a lunch meeting, and a historical event worth remembering. That'll offset 'the Mondays' quite well. I've got enough work to do Sunday & Monday nights as it is. -MadJack Tho, I can't remember that particular day, I was only 2 years old at the time... -MadJack Concept14: I transcribed the Julia Ecklar version of that song and sent a copy to Prometheus Music. They cc:ed Leslie and she emailed me. Cue little moment of geek squee. -Geminii

13. A gentle reminder... While some of us enjoy a day off from work, let's remember the reason behind today's day: the sacrifices of those who came before us, giving their lives to protect those who are here. Whether you agree or disagree with what is happening around the world and within our own borders, we should never forget that there are those who take these words to heart and will strive to live up to them: "...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic..." [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Thank you Grandpa George (USN WWII), Little Brother (USAF) and Cousin D. (USArmy) -ShujinTribble AMEN. And, not to detract from the true purpose of the day, a great big 'Thank You' to everyone still living (especially those who now haunt here) who have served and are serving. Brothers & Sisters In Arms, I salute you all. -MadJack ... and, not that geeks like us will forget, ironically, today is Towel Day, (aka Douglas Adams' Memorial Day). Not as important (heresy!), but still. -MadJack As I sit in the comfort of my life, let me remember and thank those who gave parts or the whole of their own lives that I might live as I please. Blessings on all who have chosen to guard our lives by risking their own and may the souls of those who died find rest and eternal peace. -AnneBWalsh Thank you, Grandpere, for sitting in a POW camp in Japan for four years. -Dragones Thank You all that have served -compbrat Here's the Twitter of the Net Admin I'm covering for at USO : http://twitter.com/talk2dug and to see the type of stuff they're setting up, check out this G4 video covering Pros VS G.I. Joes http://g4tv.com/attackoftheshow/exclusives/66675/Pros-vs-GI-Joes.html . Pros VS G.I. Joes info is here : http://www.prosvsgijoes.org/ -Necros Thank you, Keith and $friend. thank you both. to all service members, past and present, no matter your branch, I salute you now. -AdmiralLaurie There's a sign at a local restaurant, "America will remain the land of the free, only so long as it is the home of the brave." Better sentiment I cannot express. -VFox "This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave." ~ Elmer Davis -YoYo

14. You know when you've made an impression. A little backfill... I do support work for $We_Build_BoomStuff, as most folks know. Our primary supplier of computer hardware is $Round_Rock, which generally makes an ok computer. And as all know, computer hardware will have problems, where I end up having nice, long chats with the folks at $Round_Rock. Well, you know you've become infamous at said company when they've created a knowledge base article for their techs that specifically mentions you BY NAME, along with the procedure to follow. The reason I mention it? Well, I called for an issue with a piece of hardware (explosive device known as a laptop battery) and the tech who had never dealt with me before suddenly starts laughing when he hits the article on what to do. *GRYN* I'm so evil at times... [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments KB article number or it didn't happen! -CTYankee It's in their internal system, I don't have access to it. But I might be able to coax my contacts there to send it to me... *gryn* For the wall of fame. -VoiceOfSanity So, is it fame or infamy? :) -Tekkie I used to have the info if u are talking about a fruit company and Smell the sony laptop batteries that are posted on both websites on a battery exchange program, or http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml09/09035.html -Motient It's always nice to have noted on your account "escalate to engineering if requested". Check the notes, and move me along to Bob. Thanks. -AngrySup Unless they transfer your calls back to you. "Hello? Infinite regression on line 2!" -AussieFoot do not taunt happy fun vos...a little backfill indeed. ask laughing tech if it mentions where the bodies are buried. -stiffarm Tekkie - I suppose it would be infamy, but it depends on one's point of view. (Mine, of course. *Gryn*) AussieFoot - That's the reason I'm mentioned... I'd request an RMA for a part, and the ticket would end up being sent back to be through the system that $We_Build_BoomStuff uses. Got real frustrating after a while, and a few small rants made the change happen. *chuckle* Stiffarm - Of course I know where the bodies are buried, and will cheerfully add to the pile if need be. *evil* -VoiceOfSanity

15. Karma Request It's been a little while since I've posted anything here (not that I haven't seen or dealt with the usual cavalcade of chaos and confusion that the little critters can cause). Along with that, I have been keeping my eyes peeled on any possibilities of progression percolating outside of the immediate workcenter. Well, I may have an opportunity to escape, and a little karma might help. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with a group hiring an IT specialist for a position overseas at a new site being set up. This would be a position where I would be working with both the company personnel (supporting $We_Build_BIG_Cargo_Planes) and military folks. I'd like to think that I have a good shot, but any extra *oomph* would be appreciated. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Make it happen. -vacuumtubes "So let it be written, so let it be done." - Yul Brynner -Biosynthetic Would you like that salvo of karma in a 15"/45 cal., or 16"/50 cal. battery? -Seamus *casts karma* -compbrat *casts karma* looks up, ahh crap, compbrat made me echo :) -rosemetal (borrows VERY big cargo plane) Karma targeted and chuting down about now. -Zoomer C5 or Antinov? -Stryker One "So let it be written, so let it be done." - Richard Prior (*Smug*) -ShujinTribble Stryker One - C-17 -VoiceOfSanity KarmaBats on their way to home and job sites. Good Luck! -MrsTechnoVamp "As you wish." -TubPorsche Earl and Randy are on the way in the El Camino. (Make sure you have pie ready for Randy.) -edventure

16. Gotta Love The 'Fishes Gotta love the 'fishes. Not because they cause so much havoc and trouble (they do), but because they do so in such amusing fashion. Today's example illuminated the "cause and effect" theory. 'Fish calls up our company helpdesk, saying that his system won't boot. Ok, so they shoot the ticket down to us as impacting (a miracle, they normally screw with it for a while before giving it to us) and I go up to see what's wrong. Yes, the system won't boot, and yes, it's giving a beeping sound. The sort of beeping sound that says "I have a key stuck error." And yes, there was a pile of papers sitting on the keyboard that the 'fish had placed there *before* booting his machine. Moved the papers off the keyboard, beeping stops and the machine boots without a problem. And when I "fixed" it, the user wanted to know what I did to the machine to fix the problem. Gotta love the 'fishes... where's my shotgun? [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments I love the fishes.. cause they're so delicious. -veaudaux I represent the "Save the Computer Foundation". For just pennies a day, that computer could be put to better use....say playing "Rogue". -Biosynthetic Being fish- wouldn't applying very high voltage to their water have the same effect as a shotgun? Only with the potential for exploding them if you got the current high enough? I'm reminded of the time I watched a 'Worm Harvest' in South Carolina. Wires from car battery into the moist soil and out they would come! -jerrybear Yes, Jerry, just don't stand between the wires / rods while you electrify the ground in bare feet.... -srteach veaudeaux...your last name is Lechter? <grin> -CTYankee Except I'm more "I ate his liver with a side of chili cheese fries and a nice Jack and coke". -veaudaux

17. "We didn't do anything!" Ok... it's been a little while, but I have to share this one. It's Monday (blatantly obvious, isn't it?) and already things have gone into the proverbial handbasket here at $We_Work_On_Weapons. One system decided to go to Aruba permanently, a couple of 'fishes neeping because of no email accounts, etc., etc., etc. So I think things can't get any worse, and go into my BatCave to start prepping systems. Now, we have a nice automated CD that pulls down the image, then runs a script to add software... but the script isn't working. Access denied. So I ask the network folks what happened to the server permissions, as they were doing work this weekend... and I get the usual. "We didn't do anything." All right, if you didn't do anything, then nothing should be broken, right??? RIGHT??? Bzzzt! Sorry, thanks for playing today. Gah... it's still not working 3 hours after reporting it... where's my bat? [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments You work on weapons and want to use a bat? Was 'extreme self-control in the face of overwhelming provocation' a job skill requirement? -TieDyedDinosaur he wants to avoid the collateral damage to the servers. Otis can be used for a precise strike. -PolarCoyote TieDyedDinosaur - Considering the toys that I've seen come through shipping and receiving, self-control is absolutely necessary. Otherwise I might damage something important around here. *Gryn* Like the building.. or other equipment. -VoiceOfSanity yes... but with Otis, they *might* survive and only be brain damaged to a lower life form known as management. Now, JERRY... off with their head! -GoblinKing Which is why I'm partial to sharp shiny objects, Goblinking, although in this case a cinqueda's probably a slight bit of overkill, as just showing them the pocket tool collection generally gets the job done without me having to clean up afterward... I only have about 4 blades there, amongst the screwdrivers, scissors, pliers, etc. -lowlyte Wait, when computers die, they get to go to Aruba? No wonder they die so often. -Stryker One Good computers go to Aruba when they die. Bad computers go to Dell. :P -TheGhost

18. I have no clues and I must neep I haven't posted anything of late, mostly because I have to keep a low profile. However, today's latest example of the inability to leave well enough alone had me nearly screaming in a room full of people. We have conference rooms, each one equipped with a switch so that a laptop user can connect and display data via the projector, or switch to the desktop and display while reading on a screen. This is fine... however... Despite having written instructions that are in full color with pictures and being laminated, the users... gods bless their lazy, ignorant hearts, not only fail to read the instructions, they DISCONNECT cables from the switch to plug into the laptops. Not only that, they don't connect them back where they belong! My gods, how hard is it to plug a jack that's dedicated for the laptop into the back of your laptop and simply hit a switch??? No, don't say it, I know... they're 'fishes, that's all they'll be. Gah... I know I'm ranting. Where's my axe? [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments They do it just to piss you off! -TieDyedDinosaur *shrug* Superglue the cables in. -NightSteel Lock the door, it's Clobberin' time.... -vacuumtubes While superglue is excessive I would favor fastening them down. If they are the types of cables with screw-ins run a zip-tie around the whole thing so that the tie falls between the screw and the body. Otherwise, caulking. -Loren "because I have to keep a low profile". THAT sounds like a story in itself. -Stryker One Shhh. It's a conspiracy to make top management look like idiots (for a minute) while they tell everyone their job just went to India. -AngrySup I agree with NightSteel... Superglue them in place... Or if any carry voltage, make sure you leave some exposed wires near the business end of the cable, so when they grab it repeatedly they'll get the hint. -exzyle2k Stryker - Heh. Our company has lately been getting a little more agressive about blogging and posting of items if there is any connection to the company. So I have to kind of either erase much of what I can say, or find newer and creative ways to say it. Unfortunately, my 'fishes also find newer and creative ways of giving me heartburn. -VoiceOfSanity I've had a similar situation. My solution? Turn it into a "black box". I fabricated a box (tupperware container) that allowed access to the switch but not the cabling connections. Painted black, sealed with insuating tape and labelled correctly. No-one messed with it... -SoldierJedi SoldierJedi - We're considering that. Only problem is that some of the conference rooms are used by engineers. Engineers who WILL break into things and change things around to suit their personal needs. (These are the same engineers who complain over the slightest problem on their laptops but won't call for help as 'they know more than the helpdesk'. Yeah. Right.) -VoiceOfSanity VoiceOfSanity: Yeah, these are the people I *really* want to slap... <EG> -SoldierJedi

19. Why me? Ghods, why me? There is this company, a maker of graphics programs... let's call them $Mud_Brick. Now $Mud_Brick comes out with their latest and greatest package suite, and it's my task to install this on a 'fish's computer. Fine and dandy, right? WRONG! First off, I needed to uninstall the trial versions of the packages off of the 'fish's machine. That took 20+ minutes PER PACKAGE... and this is a P4 with plenty of power. Once I've wasted an hour of my time uninstalling, now comes the install. 4.4 GIGS OF SPACE NEEDED??? WTF??? Ok... there goes another hour of my time. So everything gets installed, and now it wants to do updates. 400 MEGS of PATCHES????? Dear ghods, what is $Mud_Brick thinking?? Total time? 3 1/2 hours of my life gone. As for the 'fish, they're happy they've got their software now. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Bill 3.5 hours - collect pay - profit! -Divinar GIMP, anyone? (I know.. I know.. Apples and periscopes) -ShujinTribble $Mud_Brick - snort!!!! love it:) -timelady ST - Huh? (I know about The Gimp, and the software too. But what's the connection to Apples and periscopes?) -Divinar All - I know, I know. Problem is, gotta stick with company approved software only. Open Source is verboten on desktops. -VoiceOfSanity Div - If I had said "Apples and Oranges", it woulda been too easy -ShujinTribble Do not bill for 3 1/2 hours. Always round up! Unless they offerd libations. -thatgirl

20. ...mind like a steel sieve... Sometimes I have to wonder about some of my 'fishes where I work here at $We_Build_Jets. Not over their lack of ability in understanding the complex technology that we work with daily, it's the simple things that absolutely confound them. For example, take this latest shining example: I had a user who needed a VCR in a conference room. Well, we already had a VCR in the conference room, hooked into the overhead projector along with the computer. I showed the user what they had to push on the remote to switch outputs, and which VCR unit to use. Fast forward 8 hours... and they call saying they can't get it to work. The problem? They couldn't find the button on the remote marked INPUT, nor the VCR that I showed them this morning. *SIGH* And folks wonder why I'm so cynical and bitter at times... [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Q: Don't you hate always believing the worst about people? - A: No, I hate being right. -LoTech A Murphy variant - if the *fish can possibly get it wrong they will. -Loon What's that one? Build something foolproof and the world will build a better fool?? -redevil34 In the universe there are only two things in virtually infinite supply: Hydrogen and stupidity... and I'm not so sure about hydrogen. -ShujinTribble Oh damn, another "12:00 flasher". -lineswine

21. Why do they bother telling you? You have to worry when IT sends out an email message advising users not to open emails with certain headers for the subject line, and you get a call back from one like this: "You know that message you sent about not opening X messages? I went ahead and opened one to see what would happen." Mind you this promptly allowed the nasty little macro virus into the computer... *sigh* As I said, why do they bother telling you when they know your response is going to be a nuke and pave of the system. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Simple. They are idiots. Hand them a loaded Glock, and tell them to go play Russian Roulette. -MacDaddy Or make toast in the bathtub. -thatgirl Place a loaded gun on their desk with a note attached to it saying "Do not point at your own head and pull the trigger." -thx1138 hope nuke-n-pave includes the f'tards resume and pron! he should need both next week without a job... -stiffarm stiffarm - unfortunately, said individual was a mangler. Can't exactly get rid of those types even if they had pr0n on their systems. -VoiceOfSanity http://didierstevens.wordpress.com/2007/05/07/is-your-pc-virus-free-get-it-infected-here/ -HackerMagnet Why couldn't you get rid of them for having pron on their computers? They're using COMPANY equipment are they not? -ThatDevilTech

22. Just when you think you've got 'em... ...trained, that is. Instead, they decide to demonstrate that they can still do the dumbest things. Let's take today's wonderful example. Said starfish checks out a laptop for travel. No problem, right? No, he gets to where he's going and is staying at his family's place, and proceeds to change the network from domain to workstation!! Ok, that's dumb enough, but now he can't log in. Why? Because we don't allow local accounts on the machines, per company policy! So now he's got a nice paperweight for the next few days as he can't log in and fix his mistake. Oh blissful day of fun... NOT!!!! [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Just goes to show ya, as soon as we get some idiotproofing done, they develop more and better idiots.... -Ulfgaard At least he had enough clues to admit to me that he did this. And that of course meant that I had to give him the bad news that I couldn't do anything to fix it. He's really one of those who will follow instructions... just this once he tried something that was guaranteed to be a show stopper. -VoiceOfSanity hee hee, I worked on Monday (the holiday), my VP's laptop had been confiscated due to virus issues, I got to print his boarding pass for his flight to the main office. -AngrySup And it is once again demonstrated why regular users should NOT have admin rights to do this kind of thing.... -BayouTech

23. It's that time of year... ... when corporate networks everywhere take a sudden spike on their internet accesses. When the complaints begin to roll in on how slow the network is responding, along with calls about problems with browsers (or worse, Media Player/Real Player). When for the next two days, all you hear while walking down the corridors is 'You had the #12 seed? Lucky bastage.' Welcome to the wonders of the NCAA Tournament, folks. Please check your sanity at the door. [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Good tip! -Alternatech March Starfish Madness is upon us. Next will be the Easter Follies, then shortly thereafter, Memorial Day Mania, Independence Idiocy, and Labor Day Lunacy. (At least, in the 'States...) -snowcrash I got my first call about this just before I read this post. A guy wanted to watch on his computer and couldn't get in. He was getting a password prompt. The other guys were watching it. I told him don't. I told him not to even try, 'cause he's likely to get in trouble. I might not have warned him, but he's one of my better fishies. They're giving a password prompt here for any streaming video, which says to me they're tracking who's streaming and clogging up the network. -sassicatz Bah! Let the whole basketball loving starfish get blocked from NCAA and NBA websites... I would add "basketball" to your naughty list... this is work people not time for you to check the latest sports scores and stats (typed while at work *EG*) -CivilWarTech I blocked all of the bracket sites I could find. And most sport news sites for the next 2 weeks. BFEG -virusjtg Virusjtg - I hope you also blocked USAToday.com, and every newspaper and aggregate feed you could find, as they've all got close to real-time updates as well. Especially if it's a local team. You might be able to block ESPN.com, but blocking washingtonpost.com, nytimes.com, latimes.com and all of the smaller newspapers (along with the AP and Reuters sites) might get a little counter-productive. Here, they just ask politely that you keep it to a minimum. -VoiceOfSanity Today and tomorrow should be national holidays. I love everything there is to love about NCAAB and March Madness. I'm 5 for 5 in my bracket so far. It's one of the greatest sports spectacles on the planet! -viennasausage this is why our UPS guy stops by at least 5 times a day to check his bets. -drea

24. Why VoiceOfSanity? TranceGemini asked a very good question concerning my nickname, and I suppose I should at least explain the reason why. VoiceOfSanity was chosen because too often in this business, we tend to be asked our views and opinions by both the starfish and the manglement. Far, far too often we will tell them things that are intelligent, well thought out and logical, only to be met with expressions of disbelief and/or outright hostility. This is particularly true of manglement when our comments don't match the delusional paths that they wish us to go down. So our voices are the voices of frustration and despair... which is what reality tends to be in the computing support world. Hence I'm a solitary voice in the wilderness, explaining repeatedly why you can't do that with your system, then have to come behind and clean up the messes that were made. Then again, it could also just as easily mean that I'm totally insane... which still makes me saner than my users who haven't realized that fact. *Gryn* [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Wait a minute! If you are the voice of sanity, why are you inside my head whispering "kill them! Kill them all!!"?? (?) ;-) -TheGhost Because nobody ever said that sanity was *nice*... -Diptera Wait a minute...We're sane? ...I think I just lost my excuse to kill. -Kisara Sanity is only important during 'personal interaction' moments. Any other reference is entirely subjective, i.e. a completely different set of rules and responses are appropriate when on a tech call with a starfish! -TieDyedDinosaur "manglement" - BWAHHAHAAHAA! Funny, and true all at the same time! -PTSTech I've all but given up on explaining things logically to manglement (think I'll adopt that term). I just say "Can't do that," and if pressed for a reason, I say "because it will cost money." That usually ends the discussion. -Gaah So, you just sit there all day and say "I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that." ??? :P -Bobsentme I find your implications of sanity to be rude and disagreeable. So now I'm going to kill you with a trout... -TranceGemini Wouldn't be the first time someone's wanted to kill me for the halibut. -VoiceOfSanity BTW... Bobsentme? My immediate boss is named Bob. So yes, I get to go to a (l)user's desk and actually say "Bob sent me..." -VoiceOfSanity Wouldn't a more appropriate name be 'Cassandra', then? :) -Geminii I'd comment on the whole fish-pun situation... I know it was just a fluke, to I'll just ignore it. -ShujinTribble Hold on....we are sane...it's the rest a the world that's tilted wrong....or is that cause a the alcohol...nevermind will be in the shelter testing that theory*grins* -WraithDarkRose Kisara, I have this great side job. Man's natural predator. I'm really just thining the herds to make mankind stronger. :D -TheMage18

25. Why I Despise Dell Ok, so I have two monitors that need to be sent back under contract to Dell for replacement/repair. I manage to get someone in Customer Care to provide me with some information on the contract these monitors are under, as I (of course) don't have access to that information. They were purchased under lease, which goes out next year. So, I get rerouted back to Dell's 'lovely' tech support, having been told that since the monitors were purchased separately from systems, I wouldn't need to provide a service tag. You can guess the first words out of the tech's mouth... yep... 'Can I have the service tag of the system you're calling about?' It's a monitor, you clueless script-reading idiot in India... what part of those words don't you understand, along with them being under contract? Sheesh... mind you, this goes along with our request that they send up boxes to pack up and ship back the 20" flat panel monitors they sent us by accident... boxes that take only 17" flat screen monitors. What part of 20" flat panels did they not understand? [I'm having a lovely week dealing with Dell... thank the gods I have a three-day weekend coming up.] [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Everytime I have a customer call that has a Dell they all tell me the same thing. I need to reinstall my ISP Dell had me restore the system. I love my clone... -Zero Usually I build my own machines, this time I went with alienware and haven't had too many complaints (at least that I couldn't fix :) ) Dell==Teh Suxxor anymore. They were the BEST when it came to customer service when I had my win 3.1 laptop, now, they're among the worst. -CarbonTetra You would think that being one of Dell's large business customers (aerospace company, 80,000+ employees, lots and lots of money spent on systems) that we'd get decent customer service. But of late, it's been no better than the average home owner trying to call about an odd sound coming from the power supply. *sigh* Ah well, can't wield a LART here either... maybe I'll find a 'fish to take the frustrations out on. -VoiceOfSanity I have a Dell, works fine. Haven't had to call customer support yet, regretting the day I do -Bunglehawk069 Hey, guys, just a thought here...if Dell's support is so bad, can't we call the BBB or something? If real techs have a problem with Dell support, then the average (l)user must end up in tears...there's gotta be *something* we can do about service so bad it makes a vacuum jealous in how much it sucks. -snowcrash Try working for a gov't agency and having to call Dell. It's not much better - in fact, I think it's worse. -kman52000 You spend that much money with them and you don't premier support? When I call, I always get a US support rep that doesn't work from a script. -scooby111 Believe this if you will. My wife has a 3 yr old Dell with ME. It doesnt fark up @ all. I have never had to call Dell once......well the 3 1/2 drive is all farky even tho I have replaced it AND the cable it still farks up disk.....just a quirk not a REAL problem...right? -burrkiss They get away with it because the lusers dont know any better and so dont vote with their feet and go elsewhere -raggi This brings back memories of when I was trying to convince the script-monkeys that a laptop had a trashed HD. Burrkiss, compare the cases of the 3-year old Dells to the newest. The last time I saw a case that was made that cheap, it was sold for $40 (AUS) with a 250w PSU at a local PC market. The older cases are much better but not a patch on my Lian-Li PC65 and Topower420 PSU. -Wraith556 kinda related story..I rarely call tech support. I called toshiba tech support. I have a toughbook and i was trying to get the touchscreen to work. I actually talked to a tech that spoke english as his first language. call took about 3 minutes I bet he was glad to get techie on the line too. -SGTARKyTEK burrkiss how did you keep ME running for 3 years. you probably have the one from the era i bought one.....ME was removed promptly -SGTARKyTEK I echo Snowcrash here, there must be a dell tech member who could throw some helpfull light on this kind of thing. We should be able to A) offer some decent off the cuf advise or B) get fellow techs intouch with someone who can help. I syperthise (sorry spelt wrong) with the techs that have to follow scripts dispite there better judgment, but larting fellow tech makes them run for cover rather than help. -strider

26. Fun Beginnings First time posting here, folks, so bear with me. However, this one seemed to be a good one to begin with. Had a trouble ticket show up in the inbox from one of users, stating she had gotten an error in Outlook. This user, who is an OA (Office Assistant) said she had received a message saying that she was out of space on the Exchange server. Now, said user also stated that she had set up a rule so that her messages would automatically be moved from the Inbox into a folder on her local hard drive. She also said... Ready? ...she had been out on vacation for the last few days. Ok, so I tell her that while her system is turned off, her mail will just sit and pile up on the Exchange server. At least the light bulb went off for this user. "Oh, that's right..." were the first words she said. If only all the other trouble tickets could be this simple. >chuckle< [By: VoiceOfSanity] Comment on Story Comments Maybe she needs Out of Office Assistant? -LaserGuru I try to kill that little sucker as often as I can. But some of the users seem to be entranced by a few of them... bleah. -VoiceOfSanity Ok, so let me get this straight. This girl goes on vacation, and her normally empty inbox fills to capacity while she is gone? My god, what is the exchange mailstore size limit per user, like 5Mb? Or does this user subscribe to every spam list on the planet? Just too bizarre. -Gecko Well, the mailserver limit is 15mb per user. As for her inbox, let's just say that I've seen users who DO subscribe to a ton of mailing lists. Plus this is a company that receives things like quotes and bids in .PDF format. Government bids, I might add. So unfortunately here it is very possible that you leave for a week, and you can fill up your mailbox that quickly, depending on which department you work for. -VoiceOfSanity Yeah, I've seen a mailbox fill at a rate of something like 2mb/day, totally legit stuff. Most of it was scan of forms requesting jobs to be done. -Loren

Customer Misconceptions

Tech Rules

2. That when management takes a day off (or takes vacation) that they need to turn off their BlackBerry devices and enjoy the time away from work, instead of sending inane emails to the staff on why X was not done in time or complaining about the way that process Y is being done. It's your vacation, treat it as such instead of treating us like we can't make any decisions without you riding shotgun like Snoopy pretending to be a vulture. </end rant> [2009-12-22]

3. If you are working enterprise-level support, and a user states that he is a) trying to get his wireless working, and b) does not have a LAN connection at the moment, sending the user an email on how to connect wireless will only demonstrate how STUPID a tech you are! (Actual recent trouble ticket one of my users submitted, and actual response from the enterprise help desk.) [2009-08-12]

4. No matter how many emails you've sent out concerning which number to call when you need help, no matter how many signs have been posted with that same number, no matter how many cards and brochures have been placed in the laptop cases and at desks, the users will find out your cellphone number and call you directly. *sigh* Mind you, we switched over to the company help desk over a year ago, but they STILL refuse to use the numbers, calling directly after we disconnected the common local helpdesk number. *SIGH* Bat... where's the bat? [2009-05-08]

5. Not so much a rule, but a rant. Was having problems with my Internot Provider, Cox. Seemed one of their routers wasn't routing packets the way it was supposed to. So, ran some pings and traceroutes, isolated the router and tried to contact Cox tech support. *TRIED* to, that is. Phone support was about as clueless as a gaggle of Valley Girls, and sending it through the automated email service *with the traceroute listing* only got some script monkey sending out a canned email of how to clear the browser cache. And the companies wonder why we complain about their service... [2007-11-02]

Customer Types

2. The Saturday Watusi So I'm sitting at home, enjoying my day off when the phone rings. It's my boss. Seems that one of our users (the little critter of nature) was doing work (on a Saturday??) and his hard drive decided that it didn't want to work on Saturday any more. Or Sunday, or any other day of the week. So, off I go down to work (live 15 minutes on the bike away) and get there... yes, the drive has definitely bit the dust. And what does the user ask? "Can you save my data?" (They don't know any better...) And here I am, having to rebuild his system (we keep spare drives just because) looking at a good hour or so wasted at my desk, just because he couldn't wait unti Monday when he was on travel. When I would have had a more... enjoyable time. [2006-08-19]

3. How do they function without a brain? Ok, a little backstory. Two weeks ago, we were having problems with our trouble ticket system. It was sold to another company (that decided NOT to honor the service agreement, btw... thank you Numara) and in trying to figure out the problem, the network sysadmin intentionally cleared all the passwords for the users in the system and set up a default password, in order to try and reset the software. Now this was fine, and he sends email out with the default password. The problem is that here it is, a week later, and we're still getting calls from users saying their password doesn't work when getting into the software. Well... DUH! Did you read the message? "Yes." Did you see the thing about the password changing? "Yes." Did you think that when it said everyone's password changed that it meant EVERYONE? "Well, no, I thought mine would still be the same." Gah!! In the words on Ren Hoek, "EEEEEDIOTS!" [2006-06-25]

Co-Worker Types

2. Space Cases As most of you folks know, I moved from the swamp lands of Florida to the urban sprawl of Houston. I've been here at my new job now for two months, and to say I have a nice collection of interesting folks who I support would be an understatement. I have two former astronauts, one of which was a pilot on one mission and commander on two, while the other was a mission specialist on three different missions. I also have a gentleman who does a lot of work with planetary missions and is currently trying to wrangle a sabbatical to go hunt meteorites in Antarctica. I won't say that it's a cushy job here, but it's definitely a lot less stressful than the previous one I was having to deal with. (Oh, and the sheer amount of space memorabilia on the walls would amaze folks... not to mention what's in some people's offices. Me? I have an art print of Valentina Tereshkova done by Alexei Leonov, signed by both on *my* cubicle wall... that's *MY* print.) [2011-03-17]

3. Things I don't need to know about When you are sitting at a weekly departmental meeting, and you look across the table and see that one of the female staff member's top has raised up enough to show off their belly button piercing. No, I did not need to know that... [you've been watching WTMI-TV, Too Much Information television.] [2010-01-06]

4. Mr. No and the Legend in his Mind A little backfill here. I have two co-workers, Mr. No and the Legend in his Mind. Mr. No is our budget IT guy, and any request from any department is immediately met with a "No" from him. The Legend in his Mind is a fellow tech, who thinks he's God's Gift to the Users. Unfortunately, neither of them can troubleshoot a problem with a printed manual and full color glossy pictures. Hence I get called in when Mr. No needed a system swapout, couldn't get it to power up, and the Legend was like "I dunno what's wrong." Turns out there was nothing wrong with the computer, it just didn't like either of them. But the moment I show up, the computer boots like nothing's wrong. Can I revoke their license to be near computers? [2009-10-06]

5. Minutes can seem like Hours... We have a proxy server here at our site, that's used to keep the users from directly connecting to the Internet from our corporate network. Good idea, that way the little critters don't do too much damage. However, I get a ticket asking why when a user goes to a site, he has to refresh to see the current data. I do a little digging, and then cheerfully call up my network person who maintains the server. "How often does the proxy server flush the data?" Oops. When he set up everything, he thought the value for this was in seconds, and put in 10,800 (3 hours). Nope... it's in Minutes. As in 7 1/2 days. Needless to say, he's fixed it very, very quickly. [2006-02-24]

6. You have to wonder sometimes... Not necessarily a tech call, but from our facilities folks in an email message about the upcoming pest control visit: "Let Facilities know by replying to this email if there are concentrations of pests in your areas needing special attention. (No need to mention human pests as we already know who they are.)" I wonder if a starfish infestation would count. *chuckle* [2003-11-07]

Customer E-mails

2. Subject: Don't you love these types? Actual message from a trouble ticket: "The printer doesn't always work. She believes there is a network problem & not a printer malfunction." Ok, there's only FIVE printers on their floor alone... which one? [2003-10-31]

3. Subject: Say what?? Stolen from an email message while I was working on a database admin's system - "The button at the bottom of a new entry says commit -- I know that this is a nice database term, but probably should use something more friendly to engineers. Most of us have a lot of trouble committing." I kid you not. [2003-09-17]

4. Subject: Ding! Hello!! From one of our trouble tickets: 'When CATIA was installed on his new computer, the part that allows him to create drawings is missing.' Last time I checked, CATIA WAS the part that allowed him to create drawings... [2003-09-11]

EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)

2. Well, not exactly an end user, it was the complete description in a trouble ticket: "Manager needs to be added or removed from end users routing list." Ok... so explain to me exactly what the user is requesting. Do they want the manager added or removed? And if they want the manager removed, can we take him out and shoot him? [2008-02-15]

3. (Said by the 'fish) "The tech on the phone said it was a loose wire between the computer and the monitor." [My thought? The tech was close... only the wire was loose between the computer and the chair!] [2007-11-29]

4. From the "What are the programmers smoking and why aren't they sharing?" department... "No matter how many good reasons you may have to do it, it's never a good idea to ball gag a monkey." [I don't want to know what chemicals they've been taking lately... at least they haven't been calling for help.] [2006-07-12]

5. I can only send/receive e-mail when I open outlook. It will not send/receive if i do not have my outlook open. [Well, DUH!!!!!] [from one of our recent tickets at work... we're still deciding how to answer it.] [2006-05-25]

6. We hear it all the time... "I need a new mouse." Well, one of my fishies actually posted this as a trouble ticket, along with the comment "my mouse is not clicking properly any more, I think I clicked it out." Just when I think that things couldn't get any worse, I see this show up... the old hoary joke made real. I didn't need this today of all days... half my users are gone. Just the wrong half. [2005-12-23]