Tech Stories

2. Innotech Am I hallucinating, or does the boot splash for virtualbox ose for Linux say INNOTECH? [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Screenshot or it didn't happen. -Calydor I'm thinking Innotrode... -billybien Nope, you're not hallucinating. It does indeed. -RiffRaff But isn't VirtualBox made by the now-part-of-Sun innoteK? -cheater200227 Yeaaaahhhh... Sounds good, Peter. I'll go ahead and get that fixed up right away. Mmmkaay? -billybien Penatrode? -Stryker One Imhotep? -Tekkie "Ancksunamun!" - "Gesundheit!" -TheGhost "No, no; Achoo is my son. He lives in your country, an exchange student." <obligatory RH:MIT> -MadJack

3. Japanese tech support http://tinyurl.com/y49wqo [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments So there's you're problem you can't connect because you havent agreed to belong to sexframe -AjRimmer Use rock tool. -vacuumtubes I can't tell you how satisfying it is to enter my on-line neighbor. Front door, back door, she doesn't care. I get it locally from the room qualifier. It pays me nothing but an inspired quick option. I own happy feet. -viennasausage Umm, the last time that I checked Xi'an was in CHINA, not Japan. (Unless China outsourced its support to Japan? Nah!) http://www.sinohotel.com/hotel/hotel.html?hid=1397 -LoTech Who'd a thunk it? Someone finally posted HM's tech guide for comms troubleshooting on the internet... (see my prior posts for "HM") -TechnoCat Japan, China...all same thing to your average North American. -lineswine

4. VISTA...Pissed, Missed, but Fixed! I was all excited two years ago over finally purchasing my first PC-Win MCE 2004. I could watch TV on a computer! WOO HOO! Then, not two months later, a free upgrade to MCE 2005 was given out to people with the same hardware, but with more functions. I missed the timeframe to upgrade for free. MCE 2005 would only be available on new pcs either built or bought whole. Then, MS put out an OEM copy to anyone who wants to pay $140.00, without the hardware. COOL! I'll buy it! Clean install, wiped out MCE2004, and the system is fooked. DVDs won't play, lalalalala... Then not two months later, MS puts out Vista RC1. I install it and everything works fine. Ohhh... pretty AERO graphics. I'm buying the final copy. Anyone else? [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Er. I think the phrase "Won't touch it with a bargepole" applies to my current opinion of Vista quite nicely... -Mahal Seconded. -IcePanther Have to install it because we're developing for it, but I have to say: I am not impressed. -chazz My copy of Kororaa is jus as kool, if not cooler looking. -Xydiac i am running rc1 and i would say the Jurry is still out -Servo If one were so inclined, one could make a lucrative living off of this Vista rollout, no? Hardware upgrades, tutorials, compatability issues... *salivates* -ThinTheHerd I'm perfectly content with Windows 2000 :P. -RamenMcTavish I have a copy of the Windows Vista Beta sitting in my workshop at home. That's as close as it's ever going to come to any system *I* own. -RiffRaff any OS that reccomends a 3-D accelarator for normal use is a bit overkill. I want an OS that can run with a standard VGA card. -linuxmatt Ramen, same here. Works perfectly with everything from gaming to video, and everything else as well. -Wraith556 I tried to install it on my tablet, it dies during the initial setup phase. Not a good sign. :) Even then I have no interest in upgrading. -TheMage18 ubuntu. s'perfect thx. -timelady Think of me as the maid. I don't do Windows. -56Kdaytrader DOS... the Ultimate OS. You can do anything with it, even with a half dead system! -LeopardMadcat LeopardMadcat, only if you don't need to do anything. If you do, *nix. (GUI optional.) -Dj Good luck playing DirectX 10 games in Linux or Win 2000. I am a gamer and like it or not I will have to get Vista. I'm running RC1 and haven't had any issues. -NOFXfan *Backs away, slowly* "I'm not going anywhere near Vista, anytime soon" (Casts eye over room...WinXP box, IMac, Ubuntu box all present & correct) -lineswine I agree with timelady, Ubuntu 6.6 on my main system, Xubuntu 6.06 (CLI)on the server and Win2k on the girlfriends system and dualboot Ubuntu 6.06 and win2k on the laptop. Vista is not going anywhere near any system I own. -halitech 2k works for me... Of course i it wasn't for the Winblows programming part of my job, I'd probably only use the linux flavor of the month...for that matter take out the web dev and graphics and I would probably be able to survive on a very basic install of debian (ie no xwindows kde or gnome at all...) -garwain i'm voting for the bargepole option here.. -trs998 Tried Vista recently. Not impressed. Not in the least. I'll stick with my system as it is (WinXP x64), with all the programs that I run normally. I've actually found WinXP x64 to be more stable than WinXP, and that's a plus in my book. -VoiceOfSanity If you look at the version number of WinXP x64, you'll see that it is Windows NT version 5.02. The version number of WinXP x86 is Windows NT 5.01. The version number of Windows Server 2003 (all platforms) is 5.02. Draw your own conclusions. -chazz I don't care how good it looks, I'm not installing until SP1. -Loren I think I'll wait to install Vista until after Service Pack 12 and Security Update 1,289,463 have been released. -TechnoCat

5. The hunt for troll... Anyone feel like scrambling some Eggshen? First person to disable his ass from TSC wins a family size bucket of Kentucky Fried Karma. [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Hacker Unite! <obligatory "Hackers" mention> -Harm Heck, first person to disable his ass gets a lot of huggles from CD. Unless it's DD, in which case I'd want a Kevlar vest first. -CommanderData what did he do now? -postal tech :( -EggShen Why does everyone feed this troll? If you ignore him, he eventually will go away. Commenting like mad every time he speaks up wastes your time, fills the mail box of the poster with inane e-mails and doesn't solve a thing. <steps of soapbox, knowing that he has thrown a snack the troll's way after having ignored Eggshen's comments for so long> -SwedishChef The Bork has spoken. All Hail The Bork!!! -viennasausage Actually he is almost gone, so it doesn't really matter. -ShiftedBeef I agree with Chef. Ignore him and he will get bored and go away. If you do stuff to him he will keep doing what he is doing. -rockytech Look at the bottom post! Thanx Hawk! http://www.techcomedy.com/users/user_info.htm?nick=EggShen -billybien thank you billy for pointing that out to us. and thank you hawk. I've just started a pull (before I read this post) to see the community's interest in getting rid of this pest. it's in the breakroom. -wolfprince this sucks, you guys are mean. I've talked to Hawk and you better stop spamming me and attacking me for no reason. -EggShen Or? -ShiftedBeef Geez, I go away for a little while and eggy pops back up where he left off. -ewspy87 I agree with the sentiments expressed that we are just feeding the troll. The unfortunate thing is that Egghead does not even realize the severity of his transgressions. He thinks it is perfectly acceptable to act arrogantly a dn be consescending to fellow techs. I say that we should petition Hawk to have him (Egghead) removed. -Dcadiman Cliff notes, Cliff notes? The only cliff you've likely to see will be one similar to the wall Humpty-dumpty fell off (& we all know the outcome of THAT experience). Now TROLL, back under the bridge with you! -lineswine ewspy87 - i go away for awhile and who the fark is this eggy dude? i read his whitey and he must be sum hateful bastard! eggy, u may want to re-evaluate your standing at tsc. it seems you've gotten quite a few folks 'irked' at you. seeing as how you've managed to piss off riff, cd, blindtech, srtech and NOT TO MENTION HAWK. some of them, excluding hawk of course], have been here longer than i have. after having reviewed your total contributions to tsc, 0. i must say you might be in the same boat as that raid wombat, waiting to be hunted down and shot![imho] -omegawolf The only thing that will work = asking Hawk very nicely if he can get rid of him. Yo Hawk, what's your minimum bribe level? -CommanderData

6. Osama Bin Eggshen Can eggs have an inferiority complex? [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Yes. It's called a yolk of inferiority. -RiffRaff I dunno. Can we run a verbal abuse test to find out? -TechieSidhe (/hockey chant) Eeeeeggshen..... eeeeeggggshen..... eeeeegggggggshen..... YOU SUCK!!!!! -leonine Don't shoot until you see the whites of his eyes! -ecoli Riff is coming out with some bad puns,please nobody egg him on. -Armakuni Yeah, don't crack any more Riff, un oeuf's enough! -Gromit ahhhh that pun reminds me of my childhood when I grew up in the Nederlands...How I yearn for those Holland-days! *scrambles for the lart shelter* -billybien This was over easy. Im the winner. -burrkiss As one nun said to the other - 'I haven't heard a pun that good since last Benedict-us!' I win, I win! -Gromit All right, I'm egg-shausted of all the egg-aggeration. Can't we all just egg-ree that he's egg-sactly the egg-revating kind of asshole that we want to egg-nite with napalm? -TechieSidhe Hmmm. Someone poached all the puns before I got here. Guess I'll scramble to get some together. -Mathias And TechieSidhe, that was an egg-sasperating display chickie! -Mathias Sorry, Mathias, my brain is a bit scrambled. -TechieSidhe Eggshen's wife must be Madame Ovary. (This presumes that he is not still living in his parents' basement.) -LaserGuru If by "wife" you mean "Stained teddybear with a sticky hole cut in it" then yes, LG, yes it is. -CarbonTetra Ginger Meggs fell in the eggs, and all the yellow, ran down his legs. -Gerund Awright, lissen up you's guys. When ya tell the air force to "lart the little egg" try to word yer description a little better http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,137632,00.html -Spyder19 http://lans.tribalwar.com/egglan/people.htm -billybien Animaniacs classic <little bluebird in the bomb bay of an F117> "Eggy, eggy, eggy... hello, little brother; hello, little sister..." <Sound of doors opening and bombs falling and exploding> "Ooooo... Eggy Broke!" <Obligatory> -MadJack My god he is a retard -Motient What brought about this latest shelling of bad puns and yolks? I thought he'd laid his last post a while ago. Maybe we're being over-hard on the poor little egg.......Naw who am I kidding, Lart away. But seriously, what did he say this time? -StylinTechie Look at my whiteboard - the little egg-sucker told me to leave him alone. HA! I'll leave him alone when he leaves TSC. -OgdenTechGuy Usually, when they become a little cracked, and then become stinky and rotten as a result. I'd suggest tossing it out before it leaks too much, and causes an unpleasant stain. (It's not my fault. All of the better puns were already taken.) -HidariMak It is nice to see we all "scrambled" to give the troll-in-a-shell a hard time -lineswine What egg-actly did he do now? -THETECHFROMHELL Made my own contribution to this post, on eggshit's whiteboard... -MajorLart

7. And for my next amazing feat... How many tools do all of you cable ISP techs have available to do your job? Do you have cable boxes connected to your video card on your desk, or do you have to get up from your desk, walk over to a TV that is not in use, and check the signal far away from your desk? The reason I ask is because our manager refuses to give us access to digital cable boxes at our desk. The reason is because she thinks we'll be watching TV all day long. I guess being on TSC is ok, though. [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments we do cable internet support and we were given basic cable jacked into tv cards on our machines, but thats it, we dont troubleshoot so we dont need digital -rhiannon We do DSL/dial. There used to be a test machine stationed around every few cubes, now there's an island where they all congregate. There's also a TV in our lunch room that's hooked up to our new digital TV service, that's more of a promo, though. They're all essentially tech-run and maintained, though, not a lot of manager input until things get unruly. -namor we do cable internet but we have a vew units near the test stations but thats about it. -Harm Where I work there is a tv, digital box and an old analog cable tuner for every 2 stations. We do tech support for cable as well as internet so they are needed. -LucasTech

8. I'm a star! Thank you whomever! How does it look? [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments It makes your ass look big :p -paranoidepiphan Makes your butt look fat :-) -mikeatnight ain't nothin' wrong with that! </max cherry> -modeski WHAT?! No "welcome to the constellation"? -billybien Okay, fine. Welcome to the Constellation... now pass the karma along! -ecoli Baby you're a star! </Prince> -namor That skirt just does not match that blouse, and your hair OMG! (welcome to the constellation) -ewspy87 What's a matter. The four welcomes on your whiteboard weren't enough? Ok. Welcome to the constellation! -Rabbitt <takes back skirt & blouse> (billy, we've *had* this talk!) You look fabulous, darling! I just adore the line breaks! -Tekkie You're hung like a Picasso. -LaserGuru The star? I've seen better. Welcome to the constellation! -Bobsentme Welcome to the galaxy, we're so much bigger than one piddly little constellation now. -K1W1 Hey - watch where you point that thing - stars are sharp! -Grue ooooohhhhhh sparkley!!!!!! (I'm a day late, but welcome to the galaxy) -wolfprince that makes 8 now i believe. welcome welcome -rhiannon Welcome billy"hasabigstarrybutt"bein to the constellation. -burrkiss The light burns! It burns! Getitoff, getitoff! *blink* I mean, it looks great! Congrats! -valkyrja It looks good on you... and resembles a golden throwing star, one with which to rend starfish shredded... or worse... -HappyCrappy

9. Waiting for God... Well, I've gone and done it. I pissed off the QA agent by referring to Tier 1 as "script monkeys". I've jokingly put up pictures of Capuchin monkeys with headsets on, seemingly screaming at customers, and for some reason she took offense to this. Now I'm getting ding after ding for stupid shit that she usually overlooks. I guess I'll be fired soon for not "closing with a positive gesture" or not "using customer name at close", even though I'm positive and using customer's name throughout the call! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Ya got my sympathies dude. Good Luck! -ecoli Well then... what kind of car does Crimmson QA drive.. I think they will get the message from you when their brakes fail to work correctly or their horn stays on. -kryliss Never mind the Script Monkeys, you need pictures of Crimson QA! (And a TPS cover sheet, if you didn't get the memo...) -Mushroom I've got a gesture you can close with when the hatchet falls. :) -maciarc I hate people that laugh at anyone, but get all"You [race|sex|whateever]ist piece of <bleep>. That is sooo not funny" when the jokes on them. And they don't get that they were just lauging at someone else for the same thing. _Taht_ is when the LART'ing gets messy! -Dj ROFLMAO! I love that mental image. Great post. -MaskedMarauder Document what’s happening and report the discrimination to your manager. You have a case if you can show that it’s not happening to other techs. -scooby111 Problem is, if I take it to management, they would side with her, because this stoopid closing script is required on all calls. -billybien Wrong. If you can show it's discriminatory, her ass is grass. It's illegal and can get the company in a lot of crap. -Torinir agreed with the documentation, thank god my manager does my qa's and hes awsome. -rhiannon I also have to go the way of documentation.. though I do empathize with the scripts. :) -Warrick

10. Script monkies unite! Stop!...Hey...What's that sound?...Everybodies phones are going down!...National sick out day is Friday!!! Bite the hand that bleeds you, and stay home from work tomorrow! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments lol i dont work fridays anyway, can i do it saturday instead -rhiannon I work both Friday and Saturday, can I do it both days? -Jebus COUNT ME IN!!!! -Crashville I think you work where I work . . . -valkyrja I'm sick of work....does that count? -lineswine Nobody got it BB- " i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller with a rabbit and a hat" Etc -kerching Suffering from Anal glaucoma – I just can’t see my ass coming to work today -RadWaste

11. Google...in Klingon http://www.google.com/intl/xx-klingon/ [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Bork Bork Bork! http://www.google.com/intl/xx-bork/ -Snakeeye No Eubonics? -satanstech No Vulcan? -CommanderData They were going to have google in Romulan, but no one has seen their language in it's written form. -Jerbear No Elbonian? -karlata Do you ever get the feeling some people have WAAAY too much time on their hands? -lineswine Are the search results also in Klingon? -robbor unfortunately not, robbor. shame. would have been fun. :D -mousie http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/ -madonnac *shakes head and sighs* I used to be a Star Trek fan. I pretty much gave up on it when tinfoil-hat-wearing-rubber-pointy-ear-people like those responsible for that website started dropping the collective trekker I.Q. to infantile levels. *stands back, awaiting incoming abuse* -Mathias Oh, but the Swedish chef one is adorable.... -Mathias

12. Here's to RRNHD Kamloops-Ottawa! You guys and gals are slammed today and every customer you're getting are irrational idiots. I know because I'm getting them in my cue after they hang up waiting for tier 2 (I guess 10 minutes is just too fucking long to wait!). Anyway, I salute you. Hang in there! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Gotta love "slow" Sundays. And it's my day off. HEE HEE!!! -bear6224 NOT ME! IM ON DAYS OFF MWAHAH AH HAH AHAH AHA HAHAH HA HA HA -putahtek I used to do RRHND Ottawa! RRNHD Kamloops ROCKS! -Warrick Used to do, Warrick? I thought you still did. *confused* -stpatience

13. Ok, Now what? This customer called in complaining that he's "getting some sort of error message". When asked EXACTLY what the error message was, he says: "Well I'm not at home right now...sorry." When I told him that there are no problems in the area, so I need specific info from his computer, he goes: "OK, now what?" -----What would YOU say? [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments "go fuck yourself" comes to mind. -Dragones We're sorry. The number you have dialed is currently busy helping people with solveable problems. Please hang up, drive home and try your call again. -scooby111 "i'm sorry sir*, there's nothing else i can do for you at this time^, please call us back when you are in front of your computer#" legond for this call *=mute"fucknugget"...^ mute "you dim witted son of a goat herding sheep shagging chicken plucker" ...#mute "and get out of the fucking pool!" -wolfprince The Friend Who Does Not Listen is very good at that sort of phonecall. 'I just clicked on this thing here and got a message pop up. What does it mean?' WHAT THING? WHAT MESSAGE? 'I don't know, I'm not technical like you.' -Gerund "well go home - see if the problems still exists, write down the error mesage or call us once its on the screen - im'm psychotic, not psychic" -Harm Some kind of error means some kind of problem. -LaserGuru My response: "Iunno. Whatcha wearing?" -CarbonTetra Gimme a second i'll go get my crystal-ball -AmdInside I would suggest that he boot to command prompt and enter "format c:". That should fix all error messages....forever. -Dcadiman Go home, then call us. Or just go home. -paranoidepiphan I dread the day when they sell cell phones that work with VNC... -Mango

14. Hit the deck! Just got word that a subscriber, who after giving us his account info etc., threatened to "come over there with a shotgun". We got his info and called police! News at 11. [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Keep us posted!!! -Mushroom I had a rick-a-tard do that same thing to me once. They no longer have an account with us. -FrontSideBus we had one point a shotgun out of a window at one of our field techs...same result. Called police, canceled acct. -leonine BAAAAH...He was just some old geezer pissed off at AOL. Situation quelled by SGT.J-LO USMC! Hooah! -billybien Still.. I really don't like the idea of some crazy SOB coming into my office with a Shotgun.. -Warrick Awww...Postal just wanted to show off his collection! -Bobsentme Sadly, in today's North American society, you can't laugh these off anymore. Hopefully, the nutty ones will remove themselves from the genepool will cleaning their weapons. <Note, not slagging responsible gun owners, just the starfishy ones> -SwedishChef That's a serious offense; the cops don't take threats like that lightly anymore. I hope a few nights downtown with Bubba changes his attitude. -RiffRaff I imagine the responce to this. Send a Picture of RiffRaff & a couple of dozen other gun nuts with their weapons, in Black Dusters, under a "Beer & Ammo" store sign. "We're not just Geeks - The 'ISP' Techs get together once a month to practice Urban Warfare" - That should give them the hint. -satanstech The closest to that I've had was someone threatening to come down here and kick my ass. Thing is, he thought our TS offices were in the same state as the offices of the organization that markets the crap. So I invited him to do just that. -Phssstpok

15. Arrrrrghhhhh!!! I swear on a stack of pickles if I hear -"I already did that!", one more time, I'm going to drive over to that customers' house and pour cement in their pool! I don't care that you've done it before, JUST DO IT!!! assholes! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Didn't you already do that once? <Bangs on Lart shelter doors> LET ME IN!!!! -Bobsentme "But my Tech friend that is certified told it its not nessisary!And they should know cause they < blah blah blah blah> -Harm Bobsentme-There is not enough 'FROP in the world! </referencing Church of the Subgenius> -billybien pouring cement into a pool? But I already did that <runs and ducks incoming lart> -Bunglehawk069 That's IT!!! </pulls out Super Soaker filled with carbolic acid and proceeds to melt everone into a big ass pool of tomato soup> -billybien <opens fridge and rummages for Vlasic dill 'stackers'> -LaserGuru MMMMmmm...Vlasik Stackers! -billybien I like the little garlic dill ones...the "baby" pickles. A lot easier to toss at annoying co-workers--and they taste GRRRREAT! -snowcrash "I don't give a hovercraft what you already did... NIKE!" -EmleyMoor Hmmm. pickles, pools,...."Is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it's ......MOBY PICKLE!" -lineswine ...and it worked fine yesterday! </starfish whine> -attilathehen "Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?" </Real Genius> -DedSysOp <Dumps tanker truck of milk into tomato soup> Mmmmmm...cream of tomato soup...where's the saltines? -CTYankee

16. I support S.H.I.T. Which stands for Showtime, HBO, and Internet Technologies! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Don't insult the internet like that, that's not cool. HBO and Showtime however lart to your heart's content. :-) -Jerbear Yes ...Yes we have S.H.I.T on sale this month... -rockytech ...at least you aren't doing digital phones yet. Enjoy the peace you have while you can. -leonine I WANT NEW S.H.I.T.!!! -Bobsentme Oh sweet mother of god... -Warrick That's all right, I support C.R.A.P. Customers Really Asking for Punishment. -RiffRaff Meanwhile over here I support False Undertanding of Check Kiting. -Mushroom Right then, so the only thing left is what are we going to call ourselves. It comes down to 2 choices really, The League Against Salavating Monsters or my personal favourite; the Commitee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society. One drawback to that, the abreviation's C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S. </Arnold Rimmer> -StylinTechie "I am the C.L.I.T commander!" </J&SBSB> -billybien I am A.R.S.E. - Absolutely responsible for sodding everything -CommanderData Duke University Marching Band: We're DUMB and proud of it! -ltu1542hvy I F.U.C.K: Flawlessly, Unambiguously, Comment Kernels -Veinor A friend of mine when I was in college enrolled for a couple years at RIT and for several years, some of the students made shirts with the first letter of each word from South Henrietta Institute of Technology (where the school is geographically located). Administration got mad and issued C&D orders to the students selling the shirts...after the students sold out. -cecil36 The fire department I work for has a dive team that will hitch a ride on the air ambulance helicopter to get to scenes quickly. They used to call this the Heli-Ops Team, but changed it for some reason. Now it's the (Firefighter) Air Rescue Team. -Jay911

17. Triumph, the Insult Comedy Tech... Imagine if Triumph was a TSR... T: "I'll need you to unplug your router." SF: "Why? There's nothing wrong with my router!" T: "I'll need you to unplug your router... SO I CAN POOP ON IT!!!" AND..."I can see your computer is slower than Mary Kate and Ashley's 18th birthday!" OR: "So, you have Windows ME, huh? Ahhhh, you've got the Gary Coleman of operating systems, don't you!" Feel free to add more [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments "Remedy is running slower than Michael Moore's exercise program! I keed, I keed!" -billybien "Your signal strength is lower than Jessica Simpson's IQ - hey, no, I take that back, that's wrong, that's insulting - to your signal strength!" -hkypipe You have a nice router....FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! -leonine " with out a firewall, anti viral software - as well as OS patches, your systems's as wide open as .... < enter porn star name here) -Harm ......your mom........ <runs fast> -burrkiss "You call this a desktop? I haven't seen a mess this bad since I had a tapeworm!" -teivrann

18. Happy Mothers day! No one is going to take the wind outta my sails today...I'm going on vacation! Going to N'awlins for 4 days on Wednesday, and my vacation starts tomorrow! Anyone else gonna be in the New Orleans area from 5-12 to 5-16? [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments mus be nice,I wish I were going somewhere...anywhere but HERE! -Mufftuff <Hands Mufftuff a plane ticket to Elbonia.>There ya go, have a nice flight! -Bobsentme That in the duct tape section, BSM? -karlata Considering Elbonian Airlines is a huge slingshot, I would hope it's the parachute section. -TechnoVampire Billy - I live about 60 miles away, in Baton Rouge. -kman52000 I am in BR as well. -Answerboy

19. Funny! http://www.ryano.net/iraq/?93774 [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments or this: http://www.ryano.net/iraq/?93995 -billybien http://www.ulrp2.com/photos/images/boudreaux1.jpg or http://www.ulrp2.com/photos/images/boudreaux2.jpg -LaserGuru Sorry...Go to off site post section! -billybien

20. Geek home for yer gerbil... http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/habicase.shtml [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments oh my god...what will they come up with next...help my gerbal ate ma cpu.... -jas75249 I suppose the furry critters will keep your system "bug" free. That way you don't have to feed them. -robbor Brings new meaning to "My mouse just died." -RiffRaff April fools. Although I can imagine worse uses for an old PC case than conferting it in to a hamster/gerbil cage, replace 90% of a side panel with chicken wire, put ladders/runs up to a dark box where the PSU would have been... would be pretty neat I think. -fearmyroot it sorta reminds me of my old snake tank. i built it out of a full tower case, added in/outdoor carpet, relocated the fan and viola - geeked out snake cage complete w/ uv lighting. -omegawolf Aarrrgh! What has he done to a perfectly innocent Lian-Li case? I know people who'll give up a limb and one or two lesser organs for one! -Wraith556

21. Bush...In his own words http://fuckitall.com/bsh/ [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -billybien . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy . -OgdenTechGuy Seen it before - whoever did it was a master at video editing. It looks real. -OgdenTechGuy with minor vocal shifts, OTG. funny as hell, tho! -goblin69 Wow -RiffRaff Sorry bout that...I'm on my period! -billybien ROTFLOL@billybien.(com) ;) -mousie -LaserGuru -LaserGuru -LaserGuru -LaserGuru -LaserGuru <I'm still blanking on that one> -LaserGuru damn, that's condemning. damnably funny though. -omegawolf

22. Best software for starfish http://tinyurl.com/gnrq [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Okay, that's it! I've had it with these stupid requirements. It says it needs a computer. I want your supervisor now! -teivrann I downloaded it, but I can't get it to work! Good job recommending software that doesn't work! <neep><neep> -scooby111 Byte! Mmmm! Hungry! -robbor

23. Dawn of the Lusers I saw "Dawn of the Dead" last week. Now I'm having nightmares about the scene in the mall parking lot with all the zombies looking for fresh meat. It reminds me of all of the lusers lining up at our front office to return equipment and pick up installation disks! Beat 'em and burn 'em...They're dead allright-they're all messed up! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments *Holds up a sign* JAY LENO! (Damn, that was a good movie!) -Bobsentme Here's yer sign... -billybien that movie was great -Bunglehawk069 A better paralell would br "Night of the Living Dead". "BRAINS, we want BRAINS" -Hellion

24. Management vs. "front line" employees When will the bean counters that implement inane standards for Quality Control realize that the customer just wants to be back on the internet? SF don't realize or care that I didn't say "have a nice day" at the end of the call, because as soon as we fix their connectivity issue, they're off happily downloading shit that will make them call back for connectivity issues anyway! Just once would I love to see upper management take calls for just one busy day! When they realize how difficult it is to get lazy people to do exactly as they're told, maybe they would lay off of deducting score points for not "empathizing" with the customer. We are basically internet mechanics, not doctors. We do not need a "bedside manner" to effectively do our jobs! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments or how about in my company we must give a refrence number for every call. Then when the custoemrt calls back in alter witha completly difrent issue they make us read the old ticket or they gte pissed when we try to give it to them. The tings managment comes up with. -Servo *ponders how Management vs the microwave would work out* (keeping with todays theme) -leonine where i work did that once ..let upper management take calls....quite possable the saddest thing i ever saw. one manager was on the same call for 4 hours. (average call time for most ...8 minutes.) of course a wekk or so after this event all managers forgot what it was like on the phone and when back to thier old selfs -GefahrMaus OK, I'm certainly not defending management on this. Step 1.) Obtain bad 'customer satisfaction' survey from parent company or third party. -- Step 2.) CEO or Board of directors says: "Make the next one better or heads will roll." -- 3.) 'Politeness' is listed as a problem area. -- 4.) Upper management tells middle managemet: "Make your reps more polite or else." -- 5.) Middle management writes useless 'Have a nice day' into script. -- 6.) Billybien get pissed that he has to say it to customer. -- 7.) Customers somehow sense that Billybien isn't happy to talk to them because he's irritated at something. -- 8.) Customer satisfaction drops and now the culprit is 'hostile attitude'. -- 9.) Repeat step 4. -- 10.) Billybien now has to 'put a smile in his voice'. -- 11.) Customer satisfaction tanks even further and it's time to look at 'outsourcing'. -scooby111 <wonders why no-one has made Star-trek comment yet> -neuman1812 I got people skills, Goddammit! What the hell is wrong with you people?!!! -billybien It's really too bad I can't mesmerize people over the phone. Unlife would be so much simpler. -TechnoVampire I never felt like upper managment had a very good grasp as to what was actually going on during calls. The problem with your arguement though, is that if you're not pleasant with your customers, it's not long before you have none and you're out of a job. Never put up with abuse, but you are paid to deal with and be nice about their ignorance. -csatguru Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor not an internet mechanic. <Happy now neuman :)> -Hellion I think only about 10% of my '..thankyou for calling ACME ISP, have a nice day.' QOS endings make it to the stars ear. I mena, once they are up and running, they usually hang up on you... -Pleiades Csats' comment" but you are paid to deal with and be nice about their ignorance"...oh no I'm fucking not; I'm here to fix their self-imposed problems & NOT to take shit for it. Ignorance I can deal with (if necessary) , on the other hand stupidity & laziness just plain piss me off - as do gormless management platitudes mouthed by equally gormless management idiots who NEVER have to deal with the sheer tide of arseholes your average tech support person does, day in & day out. 15 years of "the sun shines out of my arse, fix it NOW" attitudes have made me a tad jaundiced towards Lusers that DON'T want to learn how or why they farked up their systems, only that it is ALL YOUR FAULT that things have not happened the way the think they should. (Reality rarely figures in the equation, only that the luser ain't getting things they presume they deserve). Well tough shit Sparky, this is the real world calling & you are on a collision course with what many people call "reality". NOW LUSERS, STOP WHINING AT ME, GET A LIFE & TRY TO REMEMBER A PASSWORD FOR AT LEAST ONE DAY! </RANT> -lineswine Upper Management isn't supposed to have to understand taking calls. That's middle management's job. A bunch of years ago a "Think-Tank" tried to figure out what was wrong with American Business. After researching everything from Foreign Competion, Unions, Maternity Leave. The answer was "Middle Management" -satanstech It's one thing to encourage CSRs to be pleasant with customers, but it's quite another thing to require a specific phrase ("Have a nice day!") in every call regardless of context. Politeness can't really be reduced to a scoring system, but that's the way management thinks. -thx1138 Csat-I've been in customer service for 15 years, and have never been graded (until now) for saying "have a nice day". Nor have I lost any customers. I am an exemplary customer service professional who has received more customer cudos than anyone I know in this field. Your comments lead me to believe that you are nothing but a management spy who is scoping TSC to catch your employees badmouthing your company. Please prove me wrong! -billybien billybien - you ask me to do something impossible. i won't identify myself personally to a public forum of internet junkies, not safe and you know it. why don't you try proving that i am? i've been in customer service for the past 5 years. not nearly as long as you, but i have found my positive attitude along with a very careful selection in my choice of words cause to get me compliments in the masses. i was trained in depth in how to speak with customers and control the conversation and no, we weren't supposed to say "Have a nice day" because it sounds fake, everybody says that. Instead we were to come up with our own positive closing. I use "I'm glad I was able to be of assistance" or "I apologize that I wasn't able to help you more". Along with the flow rest of the converstation, my choice of words greatly effect the way the client feels about their dealings with my company. If your company's QA policy says that you must say "Have a nice day" because they think it will help, and you have been trained/asked to do so, then it's your responsibility as an employee to comply. The customers who piss me off (although they'd never know it) are the ones who refuse to take personal responsibility for their own actions. That extends to anybody else too. -csatguru thx1138 - Politeness can be reduced to a scoring system and quiet effectively. I was trained by a major bank in a training program called "My Customer". They taught us exactally how they wanted us to speak. They told us specifically what kind of phrases and words to avoid or use. They taught us how to speak to the customers without using a script they wrote to us. There were scripts that had to be used of course, in order to comply with federal regulations, but that's only a fraction of the conversation. QA completed an in depth questionairre that rated the ability of the employee to comply with the program. Once the bank implimented the "My Customer" program, within 3 months, surveys improved. I'm not talking a measly 20% which would have made corporate happy for the time being. The scores had been awful before, and they jumped nearly 50%. Nearly all the customers surveyed were happy with our company. I no longer work at the bank and since my employment there, I was able to get a job in service for a major computer company. I applied my skills to my job there and I received an enormous positive response from our clients. And they were so angry before, ready to rant and rave when they walked in the door. Within a matter of moments I had them calm and usually speaking with me reasonably. Our customer satisfaction levels jumped by 40% after I started working there. Some people of course, cannot be helped, but that's how it is, and my managers never held that against me. Besides the fact that they can effectively score how well I handle a conversation, it is a question of work ethic in how well I comply with my employers policies. I may not always agree with the logic behind policies that my employer puts forth, but I comply because that is what is expected of me as a good employee. -csatguru

25. They keep pulling my back in... Long story short, I'm a cable modem tech support rep working for a top 5 cable MSO. I used to work in cable TV customer service. I left customer service because I was getting every septagenarian southwest of Arizona complaining about how difficult it is to work the digital box/remote.NEEP NORP NOP "JUST COME PICK UP THIS BOX. IT'S TOO CONFUSING!" they would say, after an HOUR OF TROUBLESHOOTING!---Guess what we are told to support now?---Goddamn fucking cable boxes, DVRs, cable modems, remotes, and VOIP when it launches. FAAAAAAHHHHHHHKKKKK!!!! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments on the upswing, though- No more weekends and a possible 10 hour day 4 days a week including either fri sat sun off or sat sun mon! -billybien Danm dog I couldda told you that going to tech support doesnt escape you from cable tv support.....I tried that manuver too, it worked for 2 weeks then ts had to trouble shoot cable tv and telephony, and we were expected to also take payments and handle "minor biling problems" as if one of those actually exist. -tuswole1 yep, the cable guys will get ya! they just got us a few months ago when CS's queue was overflowing with VOD calls. damn META-6! damn SRM-8001! and they won't do more hiring, oh hell no >=| -goblin69 ...bet we all work for the same company. I cringe when I hear "I ain't got's me no cable" -leonine New TSC slang! "NORP"! -EvilOtto

26. Starfish AOL Tech This call came in from an AOL Tech who told me that the customer has a blinking cable light. When I got the lady on the phone, she said that she was on the phone for an hour with this guy trying to get her modem back online, and he couldn't get it. I asked her which light was blinking, and she said "standby" was the only light on solid. Asked her to press the blue "standby" button on the top of the modem. "Oh my gawd!" she said. "I wonder why the other guy couldn't figure that out!" Total time on call: 3 minutes. Praises for me and curses for AOL: Priceless! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Im surprised they didnt send her to me... *shakes fist at AOL* - No offence to AOL tech support, but it wouldent be the first time AOL has send techs to another ISP. -MrThou i've sent people to other isps knowing that they will fix a problem that we aren't allowed to fix. -whyme Im not allowed to fix problems from other ISPs. -MrThou We support hardware issues for AOL,E-lnk, and Meep Meep. Everyone who works for cable modem isps know what the standby light means. If you don't, then you shouldn't be employed! -billybien Here in the UK all AOL support is done via satellite to script monkeys in Curry Land, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was re-routed. -PsiDOC Ding ding psiDOC gets a cigar. i dont understand the loic behind having someone support a product or service who have never seen or used said service or product and and dont even have it available on thier continent. -GefahrMaus apparently i also dont understand the LOGIC behind correct spelling -GefahrMaus Hey we're not all based in india ya know...and trust me a see a lot more of their fuckups than you do...day in, day out -Waylander Ha ha ha ha ha that's too funny they should have known about the surboard standby thing LOL -THETECHFROMHELL

27. Not good product placement Note the marketing stragedy in the advertisement placement on this article. Big flash ads in the list of flops...http://tinyurl.com/3y7en [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments I read most of the article before I noticed what you were pointing out. I have just gotten so used to ignoring ads that I really didn't notice it until after reading the whole article and then checking back to see what you were posting it for. -scooby111

28. Hub AND router? I just talked to a farkwit who has three computers connected. One is a wireless laptop connected to a wireless router and the other two connected to a hub which is hardwired to the router. We're charging him for TWO extra IP's and He gets pissed at ME because he has to reboot everything everytime there is a power surge or hiccup. Watta nas hole! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Or is it the 28th? Silly Eastern vs. Pacific time. -moroboshi Why does he need the extra IPs? Im confused on that one. -MrThou I would imagine that he would need 3 IPs if the hub (rather than the router)is connected to his DSL/cable modem. That would be the most farkwitted configuration, but I wouldn't put it past a starfish. That way the two computers with wired Ethernet and the wireless router will all demand a dynamic IP from the ISP's DHCP server. -ltu1542hvy He doesn't even need the damn hub. Just plug everything into the router directly, and save $10.00/month on the add'l IPs! -billybien Exactly! Except that the starfishie is too farking befuddled to figure that out. -ltu1542hvy Saw the word "wireless", brain turned on the drool, turned off the logic (such as it was, anyway) -obie099 Geesh this one qualifies for dumb ass of the month. LOL -THETECHFROMHELL

29. Roll Call It's 3:45 PST on Xmas eve. Anyone still here? If so, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments here expecting for idle time and im not getting any . are people buying products and setting up internet connection on holidays . -kennz Here being bored. -firebird2k2 I was just playing frizbee and catch with someone, but she had to take a call... -ShiftedBeef I'm here, but I'm not at work. Traveled many miles to be with my parents this fine christmas holiday. -kuzkotopia 7:30pm EST. Still here. Scheduled til 12, but they're already deviating schedules for up to 11:30. I figure, I'll go to lunch, and get back to be deviated. It's DEAD tonight! -GothKat Godammit, I have had 3 qualities done on me so far today... jeez! :P -ShiftedBeef 6:52 PM CST, and i get my daily pardon @ 7:00 PM.... Does the clock intentionally go slower, the closer it gets???? -duckhead deviated or deviant is there a difference -rednexxtech 8pm est. Still here till 10. Its a good 15min between calls, VTO is gonna come soon -MrThou 6 pm Moutain (USA of course) Here at home, out center closed at 4 PM. Slushy, snowing drive home. Snowing tonight. -Wolffarmer 8:03 EST. I'm here till 11:00. I'll probably get VTO, but either way I don't care. I'll celebrate when I get home. Awaiting my 4th quality.... -ShiftedBeef I've been here since 3pm, and will be until midnight EST. So far, (8pm EST) only 15 calls have come in, of which I have taken... erm... none! :) Perk of tier 2, I guess. -psychotech And I'm bored. Post more stories, please. :) -psychotech 8:13PM Eastern here, on until 2:15am, but the queue is empty (10 min wait between calls), so we might get downtime (sweet sweet downtime, hooray!) -Deimios I'm here for 10 hrs. They are letting people go home early(without pay) but no me. My wife needs the money. Santa hasn't visited me since the time I yelled at him. I shouldn't have said "I don't care who you are fat man, get those forking raindeer off my roof." -atomicbill 9:30 pst, and I am still here. Only been here for 4 hours, still have 6 to go. But, hey, my primary function is as a computer operator, and the mainframes don't know from holidays. (Actually, I don't care as it isn't my holiday. But they want me to work for my full 40 hours, AND pay me for tomorrow as a paid holiday, so who am I to complain?) Merry New Year, folks -- as that may be when I next am on the board. -Captain Trips

30. Foghorn Leghorn sneek peek of M$ new OS...http://tinyurl.com/2q4q6 [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments "...they've promised a totally revamped OS built on a new file system that gives users a single route to data, regardless of how that data is created or where on a PC or network it's stored" Now that bit worries me. I've got users who can't remember where to find data on their local HD, much less if they might have saved it to their network drive. It will be great if it finds the data for them, but I wonder how I'll know where the files I have to backup for them is located if the path is "invisible." -Tekkie I'm betting spyware companies are paying Big Bucks to find out how this new file system works, and how they are going to capatilize on hiding their stuff even better. Dammit. -Bobsentme The spyware people will never be able to keep up with the fine people at ad-aware or spybot. However that would mean more calls in the future if im still stuck here... -MrThou New Microsoft software scares me...I can't remember the exact name of the policies that Microsoft and Intel are trying to pass into law that deal with privacy....someone here knows what I mean dammit, i am sure of it. -lsvtec WTF is wrong with how files are stored now? Leave it to MS to take something that's not broken and make it that way. -DarthLuke lsvtec: That's the TCI, the Trusted Computing Initiative. The thing that evidently will prevent you from installing Linux on your own machine. -chazz hmmmm, sounds like transparent locations. I have a feeling this will just make things harder. User stores file, doesn't really know where, but think it's stored locally. Queue network going down, and access to 'local' files mysteriously disappears.... sound like a likely scenario? -Splunge

31. Miserable failure Type "miserable failure" in Google and see what the first hit is. [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments lol, i whole heartedly agree :). -CyberGrandma i heard that on tech tv. I totaly aggree -Servo http://www.techcomedy.com/link_page.php -scooby111 holy shite ! waahhawahhhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahhabwahahahahahaha -kennz PErfect....i wonder how that happened? -burrkiss Google bombing: http://www.cits.ucsb.edu/news/ChicagoTribune_121103.htm -LaserGuru this was worthy of 1 of my EXTREMELY few mass emails. thank you, i needed this laugh soooo bad you have no idea. -omegawolf I wonder if anyone has found a similar one for john howard yet -cerberus I found that last week at work, I almost sprayed the monitor with coffee, but instead I started cheering. -Zentar

32. Hey, Hawk!!! You givin' out stars for XMAS? I'd like one! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments I seriously doubt that he would. -cecil36 I'm sure Hawk would participate in a gift exchange... You give him a crisp, new, portrait of Andrew Jackson and he gives you a star. Hell, throw in a few more dead presidents and he'll add on a T-shirt :D -Hellion *Pulls out his paints* So, would you like that portrait framed as well, Hawk? -Splunge

33. New tax bracket YAY! I got a 3.5% raise today! Now I'm making less money than I did when I first started 6 mos ago! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments How does this work? Was the higher pay a limited time offer, like 1% credit cards? Still, Yayy!! For You! -TechOgre Tax deductions, The more you make, the more you get taxed. The raise was high enough to be put on a new tax bracket, hence the subject. -ShiftedBeef Ooooohhh.... <TechOgre LARTS himself for his starfish moment> -TechOgre <Larts TechOgre> hey... you did it >=) hehehe -LowLevelFormat Actually, TO, I have to sign up for AOL for two years in order to get the raise!!! -billybien Well, bb, then don't sign up for AOL, don't get the raise, don't pay more taxes, get more takehome money and, best of all, don't get your machine all hosed up. -ltu1542hvy Ouch! What kinda deal is that? -ShiftedBeef SAME DEAL as to why I dont WANT OVERTIME!!!! I am borderline on the tax bracket, I go over (OT) and i get like 8% more yanked (up from 25% to 32%) for ALL my pay. I work more, make less....YAY FOR ME!!! -burrkiss Another reason to like the Canadian system! When you jump a tax bracket, the new tax rate applies only to the amount OVER the bracket line. So, if you earn $45k in Canada, you get taxed at 25% for the first $30k, and 30% for the next $15k... -chazz holy shit 25% on 30k -SGTARKyTEK chaz i re-read that...holy shit 55% for 45k -SGTARKyTEK SGTARKyTEK: Try 25% of $30k + 30% of $15k... instead of 30% of $45k. -chazz US tax system works the same way (10% on lowest bracket portion, etc.) except the drones in accounting follow the "generic" tax tables from the IRS and are required to take out an average amount based on assumed deductions. When you cross the bracket, you go from having too little taken out (making more than the avg) to having too much taken out. Only way around is to do the math, calc the adjustment and pray accounting/payroll will listen to you. -virtualchoirboy Billy...you have a 401k? Put your raise in it, or at least enough to get you back in the lower bracket. If you are not going to see it in your check, at least give it to yourself and not Uncle Sam. -JTSBrown JTSBrown is correct. I made a mistake last year. My 401K was tanking, so I stopped contibuting. My taxes were horrendous. I'm participating this year (and the company is now matching again!). -LaserGuru

34. postaltech? http://tinyurl.com/z8v1 [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments not me- i would have just called every food delievery place. i do believe in gun control and less then lethal violence. now u must excuse me i must clean my 300 guns -postal tech BB, I don't think our Postal Tech would give that much public notice of his intentions, were he to become that perturbed. We'd probably read about an anonymous incident. -Tekkie I think this story was posted already. It's funny he got all personal about the penile enlargement ads. I get about 30 of those a day, and I'm not even male. Spammers don't check the demographic they are soliciting, that's why they are spammers. Proves that said farkwit is probably a paranoid. -Zentar Boy would I love to be on THAT jury. -scooby111

35. AOL techs are gonna love this one... http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=1211&e=7&u=/nm/20031210/wr_nm/media_aol_videogames_dc&sid=95573372 [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Example: "Why are my ping times so slow?" AOL has no proxy server that I know of. Anyone? -billybien billybien, we have an Offsite Link area on the main page. It's for posting things that will pooch the page formatting, like this does. -Tekkie Ok, I quit -billybien The offsite links are for Star members only Tekkie, so he's gotta do it this way, at least until he gets a star. -TechnoVampire Sorry, forgot that was a restricted function. -Tekkie Actually, I was under the impression that AOL IS a proxy server. Once you connect to them, they process all your requests for info from the net, thus introducing laaagggggggggggggggg...<connection lost> -GargoyleTS Actually, it won't be much of a problem... It won't be in our scope of support: We only support the client, and its ability to connect to the internet. AIM won't work? Not our problem - Check the website. Your game doesn't play well online? Not our problem - Check their website. Thank's for coming out! (I love being Satan's script monkey.) -RCNitro i would recommend tinyurl.com to you. its makes the link look like this: http://tinyurl.com/ys3r its good forever and fits in the formatting -foebea foebea, that just totally rocks! -Tekkie

36. Good idea? http://www.rr.com/v5/1/frame/0,2215,31,00.html?url=http://money.cnn.com/2003/06/24/commentary/wastler/wastler/index.htm [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments Not realistic, but we can all dream...funny as heck too! -hkypipe (thud) Christ almighty, what we need to do is freaking be able to send a unit of Stormtroopers into any building we can confirm is responsible for sending out Spam. I'm honest to christ getting sick of these SOBs being able to get away with veritable murder because they are smart enough to be in countries, WHERE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY WAY THAT THEIR TARGETS CAN PROSECUTE -Warrick

37. Why are you calling It's Sunday...I'm tired. I've been listening to you neep and norp all week long about your router connecting only one computer to the internet. Time and time again I told you we don't support that shit. What part of "You have connectivity to the internet, and we don't support routers" don't you understand? [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments ...What? did you wake up on the dumb side of the bed? -billybien Do you need to ask? EVERY side is the dumb side. -Clavenater No, there's only one dumb side...it's just the starfish put the other side against the wall. -redevil34 I do support that but it must the correct brand. hehehe. -kennz Didnt you hear? according o the starfish if its even remotely tied to the computer you must support it....."Im trying to clean my monitor and the windex bottle is clogged, you have to fix it." -GefahrMaus you're lucky you don't have to support routers...we had so many customers neeping that we didn't support routers that management decided it would be good if we were to sell and support them -Deimios

38. ewwww...AOL food? http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/031113/135719_1.html [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments ME: Thank you for calling AOL Food Tech Support. How can I help you? (l)user: Uhh, yeah, what's an oven and where would I find one? -rokitt ...ummm, AOL users can't RTFM... how can they be expected to read a reciepe? The emergency rooms are going to have a lot of food poisioning cases. Man, I pity them already...They are required to make sure these fools live... -Zentar AOL EU: It says add a pinch of salt, how much is a pinch? And do I have a convectional or a conventional oven? -Bunglehawk069 I have a set of measuring spoons labeled: Dash, Pinch and Smidgeon. -Brf nurse, get me a shtickle of flouride. /seinfeld. -CyberGrandma pinch of salt? "Sorry sir, I'm terminating this call for language" -billybien 2 words food poisoning. not from bad cooks, but me putting poison in the food. -postal tech I have a cookbook dated 1970 (and, amazingly, it's in metric as well as Imperial, and properly done!) which uses the terms "small pinch" and "large pinch" in most of the recipes. In the small print where it explains what some of the measures mean, "A small pinch is a quarter teaspoon and a large pinch is a half teaspoon"... I have had half-teaspoon measures for years... and got new ones with a quarter and a third recently. If no size of pinch is specified, I use the third-teaspoon. -EmleyMoor "Hey AOL Tech support guy - this food I made tastes crap - FIX IT NOW!" </Neeping AOL Luser> (Is there any other kind of AOL user? -lineswine response to LS "Sir, that is not the ceramic mixing bowl the recepie calls for..." -srteach

39. Even dogs hate the French... http://my.netscape.com/corewidgets/news/story.psp?cat=50900&id=200311060749000296484 [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments What was the dog doing in the trunk? Or is that a mis-translation? -chazz The story I read said they were in the back seat. -Brf raise your hand if you like the french. Raise them both if you are french. HEHEH, love that one. -CyberGrandma I personally think the guy is an idiot. Placing a weapon in a state where it can be easily discharged in a car with the dogs in the same location... I can only hope he's learned the lesson. Ignorance is curable. Stupidity isn't. -Wraith556 Google search: Your search - "French military victories" - did not match any documents. Suggestions: - Make sure all words are spelled correctly. - Try different keywords. - Try more general keywords. Also, you can try Google Answers for expert help with your search. -CyberGrandma Jules: Oh! Fark's happening! Vincent: Man, I shot Marvin in the face. Jules: Why the fark did you do that! Oh man I've seen some crazy ass sh1t in my time! Vincent: Chill out, man. I told you it was an accident. You probably went over a bump or something. Jules: Hey, the car didn't hit no motherfarking bump. Vincent: Hey, look man, I didn't mean to shoot the son of a b1tch! The gun went off. I don't know why. -5pilot42 I still wouldn't want to mess with their special forces. In a plane hostage situation in the 80's they snuck in, took out all the terrorists got out. The police didn't even know they'd been there (trying to avoid an anti-French bandwagon here, which is so 8 months ago!) -FistLaw There are plenty of Americans just as stupid! -LaserGuru LG, we know how to use guns. Aim them @ the person you want to kill, and NEVER leave a loaded gun around. -burrkiss In my opinion. An unloaded gun is a tent peg. ;) -Wolffarmer Maybe next time the dog's will learn to aim first. *NOTE: I have nothing against the french, only the stupid* -garwain

40. cheap bastards Well, so much for our jobs here in the States...http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=74&e=3&u=/cmp/20031101/tc_cmp/15800363 [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments ARRRGABLE -Warrick Well, that's just the kind of crap that upper management needs to see. Notice that they say it's risky but don't tell you how? I wish these people would either listen to calls internal techs take or buy a product where they already have to call an outsourcer for support! Either that, or there needs to be more public education about what happens when our jobs get outsourced overseas: we get screwed out of jobs, they get screwed out of support...Doesn't matter if you got your new computer for $600 if you can't get it fixed when it breaks down! -ladysethos bull shit! IS IT WORTHWILE TO SHELL OUT A GRAND EVERY YEAR FOR A COMPUTER?????? -samurai And they wonder why some people walk into their workplace with an uzi and start spraying the place with bullets. <shakes head and walks off> -RiffRaff The main problem with outsourcing is that the decisions are often taken by the board of directors, however directors are normally only around for 3 - 5 years so when the shit hits the fan about lack of training/support/general staff unhappiness they're long gone with their golden handshake. Not every position can be outsourced and eventually their will be a mammoth workload on the 1 or 2 people left roaming large sites. Corporate EU's aren't going to be prepared to wait a few days whilst say computacentre (name pulled at random) find a contractor to throw at a site becuase of a help desk ticket from India just to swap a NIC or explain to them that 'yes that's normal' because their scripts can't cope. -fearmyroot NAFTA baby, NAFTA -CyberGrandma its all about the almighty $$$ - the rioch get richer and the working poor are outsurced... -Harm TWA airlines does a kind of outsourcing too. They however use prison labour (levensworth) to book flights for customers. Quite nice to have murderers and rapists with all your personal info in front of them. -CyberGrandma I have to say outsourcing isn't ALWAYS bad. I work for an outsourcer, supporting a fairly small company. Our 7 person team handles customer support better, both technically & personally, than the in-house techs we replaced did. That said, offshore outsourcing sucks. It's so much harder to keep everyone in the loop. Our success is highly due to the fact that a company rep works closely w/ our support team. -Nonamys "I've said it before, and I'll say it again...Democracy just doesn't work." <kent brockman> -billybien *arming LART systems, donnining cammys* well, off to do some corporate head hunting... you guys take care of crashing the outsouce servers.. *EGX2* -HappyCrappy hmmm done and done..... * primes an emp specificaly designed for job security* -Harm Sorry to tell you this, CyberGrandma, but here in Mexico we're being busted too. Our already low-pay jobs are going to India or somewhere like that. -Vulture I would run for president with this motto as my platform but I'm affraid there only a handful of techs who would know what i was talking about and about 200 million (l)users who wouldn't care less unless I slept with an intern. -suprtechy26

41. firestorm San Diego, CA is in flames right now and customers are actually calling in to complain about slow to no internet access locally. We are waiting for clearance to evacuate the building, but all roads out of the area are closed. I rode my bike to work this morning, so I can't get home. I'm choking on smoke seeping in the building, so I think I'm going to die here serving the customer. NEWS AT 11! [By: billybien] Comment on Story Comments geeez! sending positive energy your way. Hell, I'd bail man! -Karman Tell the customer there's a goddamn fire in the call centre, and we're waiting for clearance to Evacuate. -Warrick Setup a firewall? *ducks LART* Seriously, if you have smoke coming into the building, time to bail...good luck, my friend. -FistLaw just tell them, sorry I can't help you right now , there is a conflagration going on, ( conflagation !?? = fire ) can you call one month from now.. -kennz i remember oct 01 when i was doing dell cs, my first day on the phone after switching from msn, our fiber cable got cut. no phones for 3 hours, go home and the lines open up at 7pm with only 5 people here. -postal tech last year i had the same situation here in maine where it would snow or rain real bad and people would complain. is it my fault the damn phones lines or power went out jack ass? -postal tech i remember once we had a fire alarm and the loud buzzing from the alarms can be heard on the phones and the people were demanding that we didnt disconnect the call because of some alarm. yeah sure like my life is less valuable then your damn internet connection fuckweed. -postal tech Keep your eye on the suits - when they go, you go - don't let them bail first (if there is smoke in the buidingit is time to go anyway, 'cos smoke k9ills FAR more people than fire does....stuff the Lusers - they'll just have to wait for their pr0n & ebay listings. -lineswine Ain't it against the law to force someone to stay inside a building which is in danger? -Warrick Billy, just check that they actually have an evacuation plan posted. Every office in our building had one posted but the techs'. Coughing with you though -- I hate the IE. -The5thRing I had to bug out early this morning - we could see FLAMES from our house! It's also threatening our office - fortunately, everyone got out OK. I don't know if there'll be an office to go back to tomorrow...... I'm at the Hilton right now (they offered free rooms for evacuees!), but couldn't get their damned DSL to work with my 'puter, so I'm dialed in via farking AOHELLLL! -notpitr Sir/Maam I'm forced to evacuate because the **cough** building is on fire. "Oh no.. you are going to stay to solve my problem pal. I want a supervisor." -suprtechy26 hope you get paid the OT for having to sleep there! -RunningWolf You have my sympathy, billy! I'm in West LA and can see the Simi Valley fire from work (18th floor). It's probably 10 miles away from here, but it's still scary! (Fortunately, I live in the San Gabriel Valley and nothing is threatened there.) Good luck, billy! -sassicatz

Customer Misconceptions

2. That even though you've "already done that and it didn't work", the technician you're talking to will make you do it again just to annoy you. When it works this time, the technician that you're talking to hit a Magic Fix button and refilled all the Magic Smoke inside the box. This Magic Fix button is not available in stores! [2004-07-24]

3. Since we installed your cable modem and DID NOT install the router that someone else installed for you, we can tell you, on the phone, where your router is located! [2004-04-30]

4. The best time to call tech support is when you have have one kid hanging off your tit, while the other kids are torturing the dog. *RANT WARNING*: I don't give a fuck about you or your fucking brood, so don't look for pity from me because you have to get off your fat ass to reset the goddamn motherfucking modem!!! Go sigh to the sperm pump that fucked your life up, not me! [2004-04-02]

5. Email is the ONLY form of communication left in the world. [2004-01-31]

6. That the more you tell me about how ignorant you are with "all this computer stuff", the better I can help you. [2004-01-16]

7. Sunday is the best day to call to have us come out to fix your problem that you've been having for 3 days. Make sure that, if we can't come within YOUR specified timeframe, you get nasty and demand to "speak to someone else". GFY! [2004-01-11]

8. Just because your cable modem comes online as soon as I answer your call doesn't mean we sent a magic "fix" signal. Do not call us to send a "fix" signal when you move the modem from one conditioned outlet to a non-conditioned one! [2003-10-16]

Tech Rules

2. If you are calling tech support for a problem with your computer, DO NOT tell me to "hold on" while your favorite football team tries to score a touchdown on TV! I will disable your cable box post haste! [2003-12-20]

Customer Types

2. deep fried starfish... Can you smell what IBM is cooking? http://tinyurl.com/4mmyj [2004-09-02]

3. Anonymous pisser offer-ous This species of gelatinous, fetid bologna skin will call in ON A SUNDAY, and demand to speak to the department manager! Won't give name or account# and will say nothing but "I want to speak to the manager NOWWWW!" By not giving me proof that you are a customer, I have the power to diconnect the call without worrying about upsetting the almighty QA continuum. [2004-05-22]

4. Non-believer This species of starfish will not believe you when you tell them that the cable modem has been connected for 3 days, 14 hours and 53 seconds. This means we did not shut you down today. "That's hard to believe...You're just passing the buck,etc.". I'm referring all of these calls to techtv.com for verification! [2004-03-10]

5. mouth breather The old, short, fat, cigar chomping, spittle drooling, vacationing codger in his summer timeshare, who will go on for five minutes straight, explaining his cable tv problem in every room before you have a chance to explain that he is in the wrong queue and needs to transferred to customer service. At this point he will curse you for letting him go on for 5 minutes.... [2003-10-24]

6. routerous impervious When I check the modem and I'm getting good levels, don't insist that there is nothing wrong with your router when I ask you to unplug it! I'm simply trying to help you regain connectivity even though I'm not supposed to troubleshoot your POS that we didn't install!!! [2003-10-12]

Co-Worker Types

Customer E-mails

EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)

2. How do I get two computers to get internet service without networking the two together or paying a separate fee? [2004-03-20]

3. Micronaut Internet Explorer [2003-12-18]

4. Me: Looks like I can't communicate with your modem. EU: My modem must be a female! ME:WTF???!!! [2003-12-10]

5. "I just cancelled my service...Does that mean I can't get my emails anymore?" is what a customer asked me. My reply was "If you cancel your health club membership, do you think they would let you in to take a shower?" [2003-10-31]

6. "I can't connect to UPN..." Dammit! no ST:NG or Voyager marathon! [2003-10-22]

7. Someone just asked me when the problem (id-10t) will be fixed. I told her that my time machine is broken and couldn't tell her right now, but when it's fixed, I'll go back in time a minute earlier than now and let her know..... [2003-10-08]