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Here is all the content that burrkiss has contributed to Tech Support Comedy.

Tech Stories

1. ring ring
As I type this, a stupid whore is STILL calling my cell phone. She has called at 430 432 434 and now 436. I refuse to pick up. I called her at 200, and left her a message stating "Since you are not home for the scheduled trouble call, you will need to call customer service and resched at 1-800-EAT-MY-ASS"

She just called again, but I have the phone on vibrate and is now down my pants. Keep calling me bitch, I'm almost there.
[By: burrkiss]
Comment on Story


  • Tea. Over. Monitor. Burrkiss, you filthy bastard, I adore you! -CommanderData
  • How did she get your cell phone number? -Divinar
  • I'm leaving the office in a few minutes, and it looks like I'm going home with a smile on my face (despite my day). Thank you, Burrkiss! -ManyHats
  • Obviously you 'serviced' her way too nicely the last time! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • And without her knowledge, now she's servicing you. -Mushroom
  • Divinar, she probably has caller ID. -NightSteel
  • I forgot to *67 her. -burrkiss
  • Thanks, Burrkiss, you just made me recall that 'Freakazoid' episode... -MadJack
  • Burrkiss, that's disturbing </tight-assed weenie imitation>. CD, glad to see a lightness in your messages! -CTYankee
  • Soooo... CD just Tea bukakke'd her monitor? -ShujinTribble
  • Burrkiss caused a monitor to be tea baged? While a customer was inadvertedly getting him off. wow. AWSOME! you . are . a . GOD! -Harm
  • ROTFLMMFAO@Burrkiss, only you would think to put that vibrating cell phone down your pants.. too funny man... -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Oh, yeah, and then there's that new A11tel commercial... -redevil34
  • You Magnificent Bastard. -AmazingKreskin
  • 2. Story for ST
    I am going to tell a little story now. Gather around. What? No place to sit? You can all sit on this line. Is that better? Good. *grin*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW man did I forget to close the tag? <sticks fingernail in mouth> My bad. -burrkiss
  • I see someone forgot to pay the internet for the closing tags again.... -ShujinTribble
  • What, did you learn HTML in a barn!?! CLOSE YOUR TAGS!!! -Bobsentme
  • GIMME A NEW INNERNEEEEETTTTT!!! <shelter here I come!> -Dr Jerkyl
  • Een Sov'et Rrrushiya, HTML tags close YOU!</Had to be said> -ShujinTribble
  • great... now I'm sitting on a wire... this is gonna leave a mark on my ass (_|_) -linuxmatt
  • I'm too drunk to balance on this line...wish me luck.... -dc70380
  • This sort of thing is exactly why Hawk won't give us scroll, blink, and color tags. -illiterate
  • There is a line in the sand, and you have not only crossed it, you have gone into the next country:) -timelady
  • Lookit me! I'm one of the Flying Wallendas! -MeanDean
  • ================================================================================================= </rockstar lines> -deskmonkey
  • Wonder how hard it would be to automaticly append "</li></ul></u></p></i>" to all html posts? So some tags get closed twice, big deal. -Divinar
  • I got here late. What happened? You say Burrkiss can't close his legs? -concept14
  • 3. 2nd
    Yeah, so I went to this house, and I was like "Your so lame. Use the right remote." Yeah. Mine is better than GRUES!!!!

    I never feel like reliving the hellish moments of my cable dude life, so I probably wont tell the stories about the FBI, the gay guy that offered me a hot oil massage and wanted me to eat a fresh coalash (inuendueo included), the almost fistfight with a dunt (dumb cunt) that didnt even live at the place I was fixing, yet knew more than me, the sttate trooper thing, or anything else I have forgotten over the last 3 years (thanks to crack cocaine) OHHH theres another story about a crack house, that one ROCKED. There was the guy that abused his kid in front of me, that went over really well. hmmmm the 50% dog poop covered basement that the moron actually expected me to go do and fix the problems.......fark I need a beer now. Wait nevermind, lunch is over, back to work.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • We all know you accepted the guy offer... -Enigo
  • burrkiss, you poor thing! I'll bet there are lots of nasty stories from cable installation. Any racy ones? -Tekkie
  • asside from the colache one? yeah. one with a hot chick. i've got like 10 stored up just from memory. ill have to start writing sometime. -burrkiss
  • Can ya beat my pizza delivery story where the hot, naked chick answers the door and gives me a five dollar tip? I treasure that one since it totally chumps the dozen or so obscenely obese, smelly, bald and ugly basement dwellers playing WoW for days on end in their grungy undies. -viennasausage
  • Bah - my tips worth a HELL of a lot more then $5... last time i checked it was... whenetever it costs to repair a mac laptop screen :) -Harm
  • VS. Yes. I got another cable guy laid from a hottie wanting free cable. I didnt do either, but let "J" take care of it. -burrkiss
  • Okay, so start writing! After all, this site is about tech STORIES, no? -Captain Trips
  • 4. My fat a$$
    Dont cha wish your boyfriend was a freak like me?

    Hows it look?

    Someone put junk
    in my trunk

    To whomever decided to roofy me, take me to the plastic surgeon, add the silicon butt cheeks, then fondle me (well, one can wish)

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Your cheating a$$, will tell on you.... -illiterate
  • not...commenting...on..burrkiss' ass. <brain bleach! table one!> -3p0ch
  • "burkiss is a fat-ass! burkiss is a fat-ass!" -Divinar
  • Um, we didn't have the money for a plastic surgeon, so we bought Riff some bottles of cheap wine and roofies! Congrats on the big ass! (Those stitches should be out in a few weeks) -Bobsentme
  • may I touch the ass? It's a gorgeous ass ;) -mousie
  • YEA MY WISH CAME TRUE!!!!!!! All yours mousie :D -burrkiss
  • Well it was about time you got your ass enlarged. We are needing more room. ... in the Big Butts Club, I mean! ;-) -TheGhost
  • -MarkerMage
  • Congratulations, burrkiss... No surprise to me. Shouldn;t be a surprise to anyone. We all knew you were one of the bigest asses here. (Annnnnnnd with that, I'm off to the... to... aww, DAMNIT! *GHOST*?! Invisibility tricks with the LART Shelter are NOT cool! You hear me!) -ShujinTribble
  • Dang! This would happen when my internet was out and I missed hearing about the opportunity to fondle you. By the way, in your company is it normal to take 5 days to climb a pole and swap out a barrel connector? -concept14
  • 5. I dont know anymore
    I had to goto a middle school 5-8 to try and fix their channel 7 problems. Fat chance btw, schools have the SHITTIEST wiring on the planet. Good signal at the Dmark, buhby. Anyways, I was at a middle school walking down the empty hall and I saw a fucking uber hottie with a perfect ass you could bounce quarters off, a firm pair of c's and a dyniomte hourglass fig, she hadda been 18-20 I didnt mind following her down the hall to the AV room.

    Then she stops and bends over to OPEN HER FRICKIN LOCKER. What. The. Fudge? Who says that we dont put hormones in the milk and beef? PFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffft. Now I'm a 1/2 pedophile as that chick couldnta been more than 14. THANKS BEEF PRODUCERS.

    Oh yeah, side note. After I steel wooled my brain, fixed the problem, it was like 3pm. School letting out. I was walking the grounds to get back to my van, as I exited the wrong door. In front of me was a 5th grader (that looked like a 5th grader). Wearing a pair of see through sweats that had in big bright red 172 point font on the ass the word "SLUT".

    Fuck this millenium.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Fuck her mother for letting her wear that shit. -viennasausage
  • yea- something is totaly fucked. taking the bus home or just walking through a mall , ill see a nice ass/legs/rack/ full package / do a double take as i try to figure out if age >= 18. Hell taking the bus to work a few times i notices a couple women i though were 19... untill they got off the bus at the local high school. couldn't have been more the 15. damn you universe.. STOP TEASING ME! -Harm
  • and this one time, this girl, she was like omigod and i was like omigod and she was like tootallee a slut and i was like...... -momo
  • Her mom should have destroyed the shirt as soon as she knew it existed. To be fair, Little Miss Slut T-Shirt could have been wearing another shirt over that shirt for Mom to see *Not like I haven't pulled that off in the past). Then again, when I was in college, a guy on the college fencing team was about 6 feet tall, red, curly hair, hazel eyes, and damn fine. Turned out he was 15. I agree with you on that hormones thing.And the need for mental steel wooling. -56Kdaytrader
  • And they wonder why there's illegal teen porn going around, and why guys are becoming pedophiles... -EagleEye
  • Its getting to the point were checking ID is an absolute nessesity! ( ive done it too- roommate brought home girl- looked young. had to do the id check. she was a little put out by it) -Harm
  • My daughter is 8. Do you know how hard it is to find clothing for her that isn't tight, short, low rise, or otherwise not the kind of stuff I want my CHILD to wear? Somthing is very wrong with our society. -Starfury
  • Sheesh. I'm 22, and I have a hell of a time finding clothes that aren't too tight/short/low/high. I might be old enough to show off my rack and arse, but it doesn't mean I want to! -Mahal
  • Ditto on the above sentiments. Took my neices and nephew out for a kids day yesterday. 11 y.o. neice broughtalong her friend, who looked about 13, dressed like she was 17-18 (makeup included) and flipping her hair about all day. Makes one wonder wtf some parents are thinking. -FixitWench
  • *cringes* Ugh, burrkiss, and not due to anything you did (for once)! Poor guy! -taieena
  • one of my girls tries that crap, i'll dress her in my hippy clothes. trust me, they wont;) besides, *they* call those kind of outfits skanky. *sigh* we dress young kids like sluts on the media, and get excited by their hotness. (britney spear's hit me baby onemore time - the outfit didnt shock people? not for flesh, but for acceptable image of sexy schoolgirl). then we act all shocked when young ones emulate their heroes. society, and thats us peeps, is to blame. every parent who lets their daughter dress like a slut, son like a black gangsta. every person who watches and drools over videos with semi naked young hotties. im not a prude, im always naked under my clothes;) hell, i lived as par of a community that was naked casually when it was sodding hot. imstill frighteningly(to my kids and friends) forgetfully casualabout wearing clothes. but this is sexualisation of the young on a scale i dont recall occuring ever before. and iloathe it. it also is promoting unhealthy body image. and as a mother of a girl who had an eating disorder at 14, i really loathe it in a way i cant begin to convey.</rant> -timelady
  • Girls have become hotter at younger ages since the major inception of bottled water. Coincidence? -snJimboip
  • I thank $deity that my teenaged daughter is a Goth. I don't have to worry about her dressing like stankass streetmeat. She prefers all black, t-shirts, hoodies, loose pants with chains and skulls etc. Plus, she listens to a lot of the same music I did when I was a teen! ;-) -TechnoCat
  • This has become a sad sad world. I am a senior in high school and I find it difficult to tell the difference between juniors/some seniors and freshmen. 2 of my best friends are both my age (18) and are currently dating girls who are freshmen (15 one of which just turned 15 a few weeks ago). I must say that while it may be nice to look that it is getting scarier to touch in fear you may get arrested. -Slycat
  • FYI it works in the other direction too. I was once eyeing a dude who looked like he shaved more often than I did when I was in college, and was shocked to learn he was still in middle school. -concept14
  • *moves next door to timelady, buys binoculars* Something to be said about "work romances", eh? That's where I met my wife. Of course, that was at a grocery store where most of my co-workers were 16 (I was 25, at the time), so that was risky, too. Sadly, I was first interested in her best friend, who actually turned out to be the jailbait (17 at the time), while my now-wife was actually 20, but looked underage. *grabs the fire extinguisher to put out my smoking brain* -missourimule
  • the problem is they usta dress like 14 now they dress like whores -SGTARKyTEK
  • I'm just glad I have little interest in any female under 21. Kids do NOTHING for me...just as well, really. -lineswine
  • TinyTribble will *not* be like that in 10 - 12 years. TRSUT me. -ShujinTribble
  • I can't tell you how many times I have been in that exact same rule of thumb is now...if you can't go out for a beer, then nothing happens... -3p0ch
  • 3poch: Milady wife, the lovely MrsChazz, is on SSRIs (specifically, Zoloft, aka sertraline). She can't go out for a beer. But stuff still happens. Side note: SSRIs have been found to increase the risk of suicide in children and teens, so if you couldn't otherwise go out for a beer, you shouldn't be on SSRIs anyway. -chazz
  • 6. 720 am central time
    WTF its 720 am and dont have any post for me? *goes away grumbling*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • we do now ;) -NOFXfan
  • thats becuase you kept scarring them all away -virusjtg
  • G'morning burrky, what's wrong didn't have your Jose yet? <BEG> -redevil34
  • No news is good news I alw... WTF am I saying? I want a new stooooooory! -Gunpe
  • Gunpe - How about a new song? Just for you. (Smirk) -ShujinTribble
  • It's far more fun scanning the user's drives for disgusting pornographic material. -CommanderData
  • Come to think of it.... [ ] 720 AM could also be a radio station... (GRIN) -ShujinTribble
  • Being up before 07:00 is punishment enough, I think. (Nothing funny happens in my world until I get to work at 16:00.) -snowcrash
  • 7:20am...and Burkiss is searching for post...have ye no morning wood? There's post enough to share. -Avalon68
  • No Gnu's is good Gnu's with Garry Gnu....<Great Space Coaster> -CrystalMare
  • Olivia GaNewton John... One scoop. Olivia GaNewton John...... TWO scoops! </More Gary Gnu> -ShujinTribble
  • 7. Stupid Ricer
    So its like 10pm, im getting of work 5 hours late. I'm pissy. I'm in the left lane driving *cable company* van. I pull up next to a Civic all pimped out yo. We are both in pole positions. I look over to the right and see a cop sitting off in a side alley.

    My little angel on my shoulder said "Dont do it", but the devil on my right hopped over and kicked his ass.

    I revved up all 150 horses indicating a race, rice boy was astounded and shocked. He and his little ricer buddy both got stupid little grins and bounced the RPM's off the limiter.

    Red......rev rev rev

    Yellow...... Ricer @ 3,000 rpm........Burrkiss power braking

    GREEN!!! Ricer dumps the clutch, smoking the tires....Burrkiss casually accelerates so he can watch the cop tear out after the ricer.

    *Burrkiss drives home happier*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • give your little devil a hug for me, he deserves it. -persephone
  • larting a ricer....good -SGTARKyTEK
  • that was prelart! All Hail Burrkiss (but watch your ass, do not turn around, keep your keys and hands where I can see them), the great one! -beatmewithstick
  • Bravo!!! -Psudo
  • Bwahahaha! Good one, burrkie! -Tekkie
  • You are the bomb, Burrkiss, you are my hero, I'm LMAO over this one. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • .OHHHH you ! ohh.. I uh.. OHHH awsome. just fucking awsome! -Harm
  • You want a LART, beat a ricer in the most hated car on the planet, a Neon. I have one, I've taken it to drag tracks, and I've beaten ricer Civics to a pulp on open street drag nights. Most used ricer excuse: "My VTEC wasn't turned on". -AgentV3
  • Beautifully set-up autoLART! -Gromit
  • Hahahaaaa! Perfect lart! -ThreeBucks
  • step 1-Challenge ricer to race. step 2-???. step 3-profit -p3bk4c
  • *snicker* I'm so proud... -RiffRaff
  • I've got a story like that.. Back when I owned a little sunfire, three kids (apparently in mommy's Grand Am) wanted to race me. I ignored them until the light turn green then smoked them. They did the loser flyby, and a cop nailed them on it.. I laughed all the way home. -NightSteel
  • Good job, dude! -Grue
  • Sweet. Have to remember that for fun with ricers here... -Dreamstalker
  • One of the best LARTs I've read lately. Keep up the good work! -crazymactech
  • Way back when I first got my license (when the dinosaurs ruled the earth ..) I had fulltime possession of the family station wagon. 1974 Ford Ranch Wagon Rust Bucket Burned Oil enough to repollute all of Sudbury ON. Car looked like total crap of course. My fave was to blow away all those really cool kids with their Trans Ams and leave em choking in a cloud of smoke. Somewhere hiding in that $hitBox car was a V8 400 with the trailer pulling package. Heh, always a joy. Almost as much joy as watching the boom boom Civix pulled over in front o my house in the 40km / hr zone that seems to be a weekend speedway. -Mysty
  • Back in the parents had a 1966 Mustang, V8, 4speed. I was driving with my mom next to me. Guy at light revs engine..I look over and tell my mom "I've got to do this." Light turns green and I'm off. I'm doing 80+ in a 40 zone VERY quickly and they guy's just getting through the intersection. I slow down and he bombs past me. I didn't see the point in continuing since I'd won. Didn't even get yelled at by mom. -Starfury
  • 8. Rant NSFW

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • From who's chest? And where did you find it? ;) -Tekkie
  • And tell us how you really feel, burrkiss. -Torinir
  • some might say that it adds character -NOFXfan
  • Burrkiss has no shortage of character. He does have a shortage of chest hair, though. <eg> -RiffRaff
  • Only chest hair, RR? :-p -Torinir
  • *I* don't have any grey chest hairs.. or any other color, either. I do have *one* grey hair in my beard though... -Divinar
  • I don't worry about it. I just shave them off! :) -rokitt
  • You must REALLY hate BlindTech - and all of us that run on measly 1280x1024 monitors. Have you ever thought about taking a BREATH in the middle of these words? And what's the big deal about a grey hair? You COULD be losing it, instead of it turning grey, you know. *says the 49 year old that has as the only grey that really shows, the white/grey in his new beard* -ralphp1024
  • Ah ralph, but a grey beard looks distinguished. Grey chest hair just makes you look like an Old English Sheepdog... -Diptera
  • Why are you worried? Give it back to Riff! -ecoli
  • That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard</Flanders> -WinterWolf
  • Found a few in my beard, when I let it grow. Doesn't bother me. How do you even *find* gray chest hairs? (Says the nubile one) -namor
  • Ah come on Burkiss, you past the grey hair threshold some time ago didn't you?? <veg> {moves to within diving distance of the LART shelter} -Armakuni
  • At least it wasn't a grey pubic hair. - Gonna start dyeing them? *grin* -teivrann
  • I found a grey pubic hair the other day............... . . . ...even worse it was in my Big Mac. -GefahrMaus
  • Oh, cry me a river, Burrkiss baby -- I've had grey hairs for 20 years now. One grey chest hair? Geez. Seriously, though... I have found that in me, anyway, stress causes grey hair, and it does revert to brown when the stress goes away. Sometimes. -chazz
  • burrkiss...a bad hair/grey hair day, beats the hell out of a no hair day. I've had them both...however, not on my chest -persephone
  • Ralphp, Burrkiss hates those of us running 16x12 as well. -deskmonkey
  • Just pluck it off her nipple and get back to business. -Mushroom
  • Ahhh, stop whining! I dyed the hair atop my dome transparent years ago, and the damned dye isn't growing out! </pseudo-rant> -CTYankee
  • The hair on my dome started being shot through with silver several years ago. Dina tells me "It makes you look Distinguished!" "I'm too young to look DISTINGUISHED!" I tell her. <One of the WORST things you can say to a man under 40...> My hair was jet black until '97... then I turned 30... -MadJack
  • Maybe I won't have to put a paper bag over your head after all. ;-) -concept14
  • Whooo! Time to get out the worlds' smallest violin...get over it! -lineswine
  • So much for TSC for the next two days. -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • Wah wah. I'm 25. I have about 250 grey chest hairs, and 298305485098302 not grey chest hair. When I die they'll skin me and throw me infront of the fireplace. -evolution
  • Only on your chest Burrkiss? Try beard and chest and anywhere else hair grows (including ears and nose.) -Wolfie0827
  • Harry: "And the worst thing? EAR hair!" Dan: "Augh! You sure you're only FORTY?!!?" <Night Court> -MadJack
  • 9. Hospitals
    ..........So I'm in the room in the ER waiting for the doc to check out my shoulder.

    I was working on a amp in someone's backyard while my coworker watched from the otherside of the fence. Noone was home. No dog. I guess they got home about 2 minutes later and let out the dog. I heard Tony scream "GET OUT" at the same time I heard a deep menacing bark WAY too close to me. I launched over the 5' fence like a bottle rocket was up my ass. I landed like shit.

    ............So here I am in the ER waiting for the doc to check out my shoulder. After a long wait (it is Sat 6pm) the nurse comes in, gets preliminary info, and gets me into the backless top with the button sleeves.I was SO cute. Then the nurse leaves. Wait longer. Cute doctor pulls back the curtain steps in and pulls the curtain shut again.

    Doctor--Hi I'm Dr Susan BlahBlah. I will need you to remove your pants.

    Burrkiss--.....Yeah your cute and all, but I'm married.

    Doctor--Sir, I DO need you to remove your pants.

    Burrkiss....Yeah I'm gonna need $50 and/or dinner before you see my jewels

    Doctor--Sir, I will not be able to treat you if you do not comply.

    Burrkiss....Yeah, ummm whats my balls in your hands got to do with my injured shoudler?

    Doctor--Arnt you #@@#$$

    Burrkiss Nope, and I changed my mind *starts unbuckling one handed*

    Doctor--No! I... *turns and leaves*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • ""What? You think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your **** around like that? I'm a Physician, mind tricks don't work on me! Only money...."" -fdiskcuresall
  • ONLY Burkiss could take a professional who had REQUESTED that he remove his pants and cause her to FLEE by beginning to do so. -LoTech
  • Geesh I hope that your shoulder heels really fast. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • You say you were working in an AMP..."A Male Posterior"? -lineswine
  • wouldnt that mean he went slowly and joyfuly over the fence if he had a bottle rocket up his ass? -Slycat
  • Just saw 'The Corpse Bride'. The Villain was named Lord Barkiss! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Be sure to look up her e-mail address on the hospital website and send her a link to this posting. *snicker* -RiffRaff
  • another medical starfish, and a great lart (though I would think a good lookin' woman handling your balls would have been nice, Burrkiss) -srteach
  • Dude! My image of you has been completely shattered! Even a trog like me knows to let the hot doc fondle the jewels first, tell her about the shoulder later. Much later. Like, after you've finished your ciggie. :~) -viennasausage
  • You're married? And there goes my favorite fantasy...*sigh* ^_^** -TranceGemini
  • And then she sends in elderly male should-have-retired doctor. -concept14
  • Actually............yes. -burrkiss
  • Hey, just think, if you'd kept your mouth shut you could have had a free vasectomy! -robbor
  • 10. My butt

    Thanx to the enigmatic donator of "TSC's patented a$$ growing goo". My butt has never looked butter. I promise to keep you filled with laughter (as long as you like cra$$) for another 16 months.

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I don't think anyone could tire of looking at your a$$ :) welcome back to the BBC -NOFXfan
  • Your butt has never looked butter? - That brings up images of you smeared with butter. -teivrann
  • *shutters* eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww -virusjtg
  • mmmmm butter gaaaaa -LunaticFringe
  • *shuts her eyes tightly and then peeks out from beneath her eyelashes* No butter, right? (Nice butt, though it does block some of the view of the earth below) -taieena
  • Burrkiss's buttered butt in a bikini. There's a disturbing visual. -Starfury
  • Burkiss's hairy buttered butt is a disturbing visual. In a bikini it is gawd awful. But keep the hot buttered buns coming! (runs down into the lab and locks the doors) If anyone needs me, I will be replacing my eyes. -ecoli
  • I think that 'disturbing' bears the same relationship to the subject described as 'quaint native practices' does to cannibalism! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • *Paging halfstarfish* (she usually comes up with something witty) -lineswine
  • *Paging halfstarfish* (she usually comes up with something witty) -lineswine
  • Didn't anyone think of "Last Tango in Paris"? -Gerund
  • (Mutters something about the citrix app stealing his IE window & reloading TWICE, causing yet another double comment) -lineswine
  • Burrkiss.....Burrkiss's ass....Burrkiss's HAIRY ass.....Burrkiss's hairy BUTTERED ass....Burrkiss's hairy buttered ass in a frelling BIKINI! SOMEONE GET ME ABOUT FIVE GALLONS OF BRAIN BLEACH AND A BARF BAG! (And by the way, congratulations on the star) -halfstarfish
  • so much melted butter. i cant believe its not butter. its..OHMIGOD BRAIN BLEACH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -timelady
  • *hands over eyes* La la la la la la la... -pixel
  • I hate you all -momo
  • I think we finally found an image worse than zombie goat bukkake. -halfstarfish
  • Hey cutiepie! What's that goo on your ass? -clockkingfl
  • Okay, let's replace the image of burrkiss's... BRAIN BLEACH111!!! with something more enjoyable to look at. Picture butter... on a round, firm... BISCUIT!!! (Ya thought I was gonna say something like... round, firm, jiggly, non-hairy female ass, and punctuate it with something like... oh, a cucumber... DINTCHA??? <Well, SOMEBODY had to do it!!>) -MadJack
  • *Cowers in the Corner* Stop the Voices! STOP THE VOICE! < ... as Informer by Snow plays over and over "Lickky Boom Boom Down" ! > -Necros
  • Dude... What's with the tattoo on your newly-expanded glutimous maximus that says "Insert tab A into slot B"?????????? -RiffRaff
  • <commercial>"Butter your biscuit with Burkiss's Butt Butter. New from BLAMMO!"</commercial> -rokitt
  • "You did it again! You put tab A into slot B!" "I did not!" "Yes you did! You always do!" <Spaced Invaders> -MadJack
  • "Stop 'The Voice?' But that's the opening act! <singing> "Won't you take me back to school, I need to learn... the golden rule..." <The Voice, by the Moody Blues> "Encore! Encore!" <flicks Zippo> -MadJack
  • Is butter not yellow? that stuff looks waaayyyy too white to me... -HappyCrappy
  • You're welcome baaaybeee! -temp
  • You're all sick puppies, so I'm going to think about BOOBIES instead (Lineswine has happy, dopey smile on face "booobies!") -lineswine
  • 11. ot
    From postals story

    "This week the longest running website on the internet, will be honored with a weeks celebration in every major city that survived the gonerrea attack of 2020. CommanderData, RiffRaff and Burrkiss will perform the dramatic techy threeway." I dunno about that. I dont want my stuff touching Riff's stuff.....unless we can do the Eiffel Tower maneauver.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <Arrives at the post. Screams like an old lady who just saw a spider, and runs as far away from the post as his legs will carry him> <Damn! Ghost's have no legs! ...> -TheGhost
  • That ain't what you said in his basement last July. -wolfprince
  • "dramatic techy threeway"? must mean they are all going to work on the same computer at the same time. I can't even wrap my mind around CD and Burkiss doing anything else. <stares longingly and lovingly at the autographed picture of CD in black leather knee high boots, whip and black fishnet body stocking that sits on a shrine in the corner of the lab> And I think Magenta would be VERY upset with Riff if it were anything else! -ecoli
  • Damn, Burrkiss, you're gettin' awful fickle in your old age. Used to be you didn't care whose stuff your stuff touched. -RiffRaff
  • So, we have two 'bears' and a 'cub' felching each others' blossoms, with the occasional 'plate job' and 'payday' thrown in for good measure, while the sploshers( a UK specialty I hear) and mesophiliacs cheer them on? -viennasausage
  • ViennaSausage, did you score higher on the 1000-question MIT Baker House Purity Test than you did on the SAT? (Or are you using your copy as a checklist?) -LoTech
  • vienna is a REAL perv. <bows> -burrkiss
  • 12. Update

    *starts singing* Someoneeee got firrrrrreddddd *stops singing*

    BUHAHAHAHAHAHAhahAahahahahah {realizes he laughed so hard he pissed himself}

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <flushes> Anyone seen CD lately? -burrkiss
  • Can't say as I have. -TheMage18
  • So I take it said contractor is no more now? Dare I ask what caused this "great" loss? -TheMage18
  • Break out the champagne and party favours. - My party favour needs a light though. -teivrann
  • Yes, you absolutely MUST inform us of the circumstances... -EagleEye
  • You work in Az by any chance? I had a sat guy come out and put up a dish, and then wonder why he couldn't get signal with the house in the way.... -Evilinside
  • Not much, I just complained to my boss, the *cable co* boss in charge of contractors, the contractors boss and then <waves> -burrkiss
  • Sorta O/T, why did the link come up as "offsite link"? Also can we get more details on what he did? -vrek
  • Its like somoene getting fired it like dangling meat over a shark tank... -LowLevelFormat
  • Why did the link come up as offsite? Because Burrkiss left off the www. at teh beginning. His link: , as opposed to tehe same thing with www. in it: -- of course, we as techs know that www is not required, but Hawk's script doesn't. -chazz
  • 13. Burrkiss shines
    So we are in the manditory meeting with 50ish people and a dozen big-big wigs. The speaker was talking about how a compitator was talking smack about our service only being 5MB, while his was 100MB (fiber)to the home. We have 100MB available, but it is basically reserved for businesses. The speaker asked the group "What would the average person use 100MB download for?"

    He made the glorious mistake of pointing at me, catching me offgaurd.

    Burrkiss "Downloading can I go home now?"

    I dont think I'm going to get fired.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • You weren't lying, what's the prob'm? :) -Mushroom
  • You have seen the Porn and it was downloaded in real time -Imrcly
  • We have seen the porn, and it is us. -RiffRaff
  • See, the correct response would have been "*According to our logs,* p0rn. And music, and video files, and Windows updates. But mainly p0rn." -Geminii
  • porn- and hole hell of a lot of porn. maybe a couple movies, some music to acompany said porn. But DEFITETLY pron will be involved. -Harm
  • Hi-def web cam :) do they make them yet? -Jax
  • 5MB you lucky lucky lucky gits, I dream of 5MB let alone 100MB, we are chained to 2MB max at the mo, bloody slow assed country. -Armakuni
  • heh, only 2 weeks and i move to my new appartement with 100 fiber to every fucking household for only 50 euros a month, damn i love finland -Kharny
  • 14. OTNT
    NEW YORK (AP) — An attempt to erect the world's largest frozen juice bar in a city square ended with a scene straight out of a disaster film — but much stickier. The 25-foot-tall, 17½-ton treat of frozen Snapple (search) — basically, a Popsicle, but another company owns the rights to that word — unexpectedly quickly melted in the midday sun Tuesday, flooding Union Square in downtown Manhattan with pink fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground.

    "unexpectedly quickly melted in the midday sun" ON JULY 6TH IN NEW YORK???? No shit.,2933,160390,00.html
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Ha ha ha ... Some people's kids.. -Z0nker
  • Burrkiss, that link took me to a story about an ex-wife using e-bay for revenge? -halfstarfish
  • yeah, that one was just plain funny. The "oh the sun makes things hot" is about the 4th one down. Something about a giant popsickle. -burrkiss
  • I have a T-shirt that has a stick figure rolling his eyes upwards. The caption reads, "Well, DUH!" -rokitt
  • again? last time they tried ( couple weeks ago) same thing happend. ya figure in the middle of summer.. with the previouse one doing the same.... oh wait, that logic. -Harm
  • oh.. wait.. that was from the first attempt. i'll just umm.. yea.. damn. -Harm
  • Ooops, thanks, Burrkiss. -halfstarfish
  • Was watching day after tomorrow yesterday, casts it in a different light if you imagine the flood being caused by a popsicle ROFL -Armakuni
  • 15. Irony
    I'm in BFE, in a dinky pos town that isnt in my maps. I wander into the Caseys and ask the little filly behind the counter where Irony Ave is. 500 people in this tiny shithole and she dont know......BUT some nice man behind me goes

    Turn right out of the store, left on 4th, right at the end and your on Irony.

    I thank him, get there, amazed that the direction were that damned correct, and knock on the door, attempting to collect on a nonpay.......Noone home, sling the ladder, and a car drives up.........its Mr Helpful.

    Burrkiss "You John Smith?"

    John: Yeah

    Burrkiss "Got $200 for your cable bill?"

    John "You gonna cut me?"

    Burrkiss "Yeah, and thanks for the direction"

    John *grumble*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Oh the Irony! -EagleEye
  • Now THAT'S comedy!</slappy squirrel>:) -rokitt
  • Priceless! -LadySharky
  • perfect irony! damn thats funny! -Harm
  • Even the starfish has to laugh at that one! <g> -RiffRaff
  • Ah, the beauty of the self LART! -halfstarfish
  • Burrkiss, that is beautiful - just beautiful! -Gromit
  • If it'd been me, I'd have been laughing at myself... sometimes you have to. Perfect... -namor
  • Sweet -Jax
  • L-M-F-A-O !!! -CyBear
  • Just more proof that God is an iron. (If a felony is committed by a felon, then...) -Captain Trips
  • Not just irony...that's poetic justice. -kman52000
  • That is true beauty in action. -ThreeBucks
  • Burrkiss, If I knew you better I'd say you are making that up! :D <Once again, my cowerkers are staring at me funny for laughing like I'm posessed for no aparent reason. :D :D :D> -TheGhost
  • Waaay too perfect. I love it. True poetic justice. -teivrann
  • 10.0 - that's all there is to it. -Grue
  • thats just too fuckin sweet man!! -starfishmagnet
  • 16. Phones
    now, in addition to the digital tv that I install AND troubleshoot, the internet that I install AND troubleshoot, the plant mainiance that I do, I NOW am being trained for telephone installtion and troubleshooting.

    How much do I make? I can do nearly anything in the cable biz, and now I can do nearling anything in the phone biz, I'm also a computer tech basically. How much do I get paid? Guesses? (I work for the 8th largest cable co.)
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • $10/hour, plus all the ass you can kiss? -Divinar
  • $5 an hour and too much ass to kiss. AND 4 bosses. -srteach
  • What plant maintenance do you do? (apart from watering, that is) -Gromit
  • $12.50/hr, free cable & corpulent asses to kiss. -Tekkie
  • My guess would be between $11 and $14, only because I know what it is like to be a valued asset capable of doing almost anything and simultaneously get shafted. -snJimboip
  • I heard that you get $50.00 in Mexico...lart shelter here I come -joebob
  • Amazingly enough, you are all pretty close. $10.50 with all the "bend over and take it" time I can handle. The phone guys in my town? $25/hr. Elect? 25+. For all intents, I DO THE SAME THING. Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck. Fuck the Fucking Fuckers. Someone hand me the lube, I'm going in tommorrow. -burrkiss
  • You're going to hate me, but I'm just a glorified CSR and I make almost $3/hr more than that. Maybe you're in the wrong line of work? -DarthLuke
  • Holy crap, and I thought I was underpaid. I make $16.80/hr (after 3 raises in 2 years mind you), and a little digging around by someone else showed that people in other drug store chains doing the exact same job make around $25/hr. GRRRR -pcgod
  • well I went from making 30k a year to $9/hr...weep weep -joebob
  • Depends on who you work for. Cox pays $10.50 p/h (to start) when you're a CATV tech. Upon completion of DigiTelephone training, you get a raise of $1 p/h. HSI (HiSpeed Inet) gets $12 to start. All shifts get $0.40 shift differential if you work any time after 8 in the evening. Understood from cow-irkers that TWC CATV techs here in Sandy Eggo get $18 p/h (however, TWC requires semi-pro dress code, and the difference in pay between TWC and Cox winds up going for union dues (not that that's a bad thing)). -MadJack
  • I feel for you. I'm the entire IT department. I design Audio/Visual, Security, Fire, Public Address, CATV, and CCTV systems. I help the sales department by telling them what items to put on their bids before they send them out (and they still screw it up). I program the hardware in the field. I install the stuff too. If it uses electricity (AC or DC), I either have to design it, fix it, program it, or teach someone to use it. I've been with the company for 6 years. The only person that's been there longer is the owner. The other cad guy has been there 2 years and only does Fire Alarm systems. He makes more than me. The CAD magazine I get 6 times a year tells me I should make $45/hr. for my cad work alone. I make $17/hr. Sorry for the rant, but I have an idea how you feel. -maciarc
  • <Looks at $13.23/hr CDN ($10.75 USD) paycheck> You guys all SUCK!! </runs away crying> (I'm also considered a "Sr. Tech" which is a pay grade above the floor agents) -Bynar
  • I'm gonna have to keep my mouth shut about how much I make... -RandalGraves
  • That's why I started working for myself. Doing contract work for various companies. $50 an hour. All mine (after taxes, etc). Only problem is once I set up an office, it can be months before they need me. If I put in starfish protection, it can be a year. I've got a plan to counter that, but right now my problem is finding more customers to get them setup properly. -FreakyFerret
  • from your general demeanor, I'd say bupkiss, burkiss... -HappyCrappy
  • Holy crap. I make more with my TS business. Admittedly, most of my jobs are pretty short, so... -Veinor
  • MadJack: I am getting screwed then!!! I am TV Internet andTelephoen trained, and I got no raises whatsoever. or is that for field techs? -TeChMoMmY
  • Holy crap Burkiss! We started on the phones at 11.22, been here 2 years an get 12.70 now. Went from residential to commercial support and will get the rest of my raise (to 14.22) in july. Oh, and work until 10pm and get an extra 1.00 p/h for each hour in your shift. -FrontSideBus
  • and why are you still employed there? why have you not demanded a chunky raise? cum on grow a spine! -putahtek
  • 17. Two inches
    So my wife has a kick ass 21" flat screen CRT. Wants more desk space. I have a 15" LCD. I am willing to trade straight up. BUT she wants a 17" LCD, so we have to buy one now.

    Ladies, does 2" REALLY make that much difference?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • This question coming from burrkiss??? Put downt the drinks, this should be good. -redevil34
  • Yes. -namor
  • You know, I was worried when I saw a tech story submitted by burrkiss, but downright shocked when I saw the content :P -Inphinity
  • from what i heard it doesn't that is unless you are adding 2 inches -Imrcly
  • Depends upon where you're plugging it in. -Mushroom
  • Burrkiss, there's important information missing here....length? circumference? diameter? RADIUS? Inquiring minds want to know! <LART shelter, quick!> -CTYankee
  • Well, seeing as how it's on a diagonal, it really doesn't matter... But the real questions is this: Burrkiss, what's your response time? -exzyle2k
  • It does if that's all you have. -atomicbill
  • Abso-frickin-lutely! <bfeg> -LadySharky
  • I just got a 17 inch LCD, damn straight is it worth it! -RandalGraves
  • Absolutely 2 inches makes a big difference. I notice that difference. I recently went from a 17 incher to a 19 incher. Wow. My only problem was how it was. Luckily, the wood (of the table) got used to supporting it. Now I'm happy as a clam. Oh, and it's a bit too thick too. Sticks out a lot more. Almost no more room for my hands under it. Had to move the keyboard. My FB didn't notice the change in my equipment though. :/ Oh well. I got it for me, not for him. -FreakyFerret
  • hey if she doesn't want the 15 lcd i'll take it. i'd trade down from a 17" standard monitor. -rhiannon
  • Burkiss you should know the answer to this. When she says "Who are you going to satisfy with that little thing?" all you need to say is "ME!" -Gerund
  • *Pats 19" TFT monitor affectionately* 2 inches? Give her the extra'll make her scream! -lineswine
  • HALF An inch makes a bleedin' difference! Just give it up! -GIGO
  • Are we still talking about monitors? -AmdInside
  • <sigh> All that fuss over such a little thing. -Gromit
  • OK Gromit, who blabbed? Oh, monitors, I'll, er... I'll get my coat! -Criptonite
  • It's not the inches, it's the REFRESH RATE! *slaps knee* I KILL ME! HAR HAR! -EagleEye
  • LadySharky said it very well! -Tekkie
  • I suspect the additional '2 inches' have special significance in relation to 'clearance'. If there isn't much clearance between face and 'umm, device', the additional length is wasted. But if the two components are separated by various impediments (I'm talking desk, keyboard, etc.) then the additional 'reach' can be critical! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Yes and no. Yes, because you can sit further back. No because the resolutoin on the 15" will still show the same amount of icons and spacing between them, to program default size (in resolution) will be the same. Yet with a larger screen, you can literal sit farther back. I have a 19" CRT monitor displaying 1280 by 1024. It a large monster, yet I have it on a high resolution where I can sit about 5 feet back and still read the small test on this page at that resolution. -JackMackle
  • Geez, that analogy went whoosh! I'm talking padding between the players! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I'm just ashamed that mine is no where near 17". I'm just curious how you would fit 21" into anyone...err... I mean anyplace. -vrek
  • Kinda sad when your wife's is bigger than yours... don't you think? -Stupendoussteve
  • oooooooooooooooo Steve's bringing the smacktalking :D -burrkiss
  • It's not the size that matters, it's the resolution! -Captain Trips
  • 18. Naming

    "you named your piece burrkiss?!? -omegawolf "

    My roommates girlfriend named her dildo Tim, and HER girlfriend named hers Burrkiss. That caused some SERIOUS tension in the house. (Pissed the shit outta my girlfriend, now wife). Course it might be that I was @ the porn shop helping them buy the dildos that pissed her off, I'm not going to ask and open a old wound....
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • TMI! TMI! -CyBear
  • your roomate's girlfriend has a girlfriend?!? and they all have dildos!?!? Dude, that's hot. -Evilturnip
  • pictures dammit, we want pictures -crazymactech
  • i've lived through things like that. best we all drop it. suffice it to say burrkiss woudl have had a rather interesting time of it. -Harm
  • Oh come on, everyone's taken a friend shopping at a sex shop. - Haven't they? Anyone? -teivrann
  • I've been brought along to help buy, or to critique outfits. Not a bad gig. -namor
  • teivrann - yes most of us have taken 'friends' to porn shops and SOME of us have had s/o's w/ same sex s/o's but not ALL of us have pics of it...*PROUDLY WAVES NEGATIVES!!!* aside from that her g/f was my ex [i'll leave it at that, it's sorta like 90210 w/o the $] -omegawolf
  • Pray tell... what is this "porn shop" you speak of, a spelling mistake? And Dildos, aren't they an extinct species? And "Girlfriends", who ever thought girls could be friends? I do wish we could communicate in a common tongue... Now this about Burrkiss character. Aha! Your culture has heard those old legends of him too...? -Criptonite
  • So, was there like a test drive or a fitting room at the sex shop? You know, to make sure they got the right equipment? <shuffles feet and walks away whistling> -ecoli
  • Mrs. Paradise calls hers Bob. It stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend! -SalParadise
  • "It goes Buzz, Buzzzzzz, and it takes the place of YOU!" -vacuumtubes
  • 19. My new Supe
    His name is Bob. Bob is a ex-seal. Bob is cool. This is his story.

    Ring Ring
    Burrkiss answers phone with the caller id saying "BOB"

    Burrkiss :WHADDA WANT? I'm eating.
    Bob:You need to give me copies of ALL work you do, even tap disconnects.
    Burrkiss :I do.
    Bob:No, you dont. Your timesheet has that you disconnected 1234 Main st in Solon yesterday, and its not attached.
    Burrkiss:Hey Einstein, you know I work Monticello/Anamosa/Vinton. It wasnt me. Whats the name say on the top of this timesheet?
    Bob:Keith, oh well,,, ummmmmm
    Burrkiss: Yeah quit fucking interuptting my 2 hour lunch you old fart, and go yell at Keith.
    Bob: 10-4, he's toast.
    Burrkiss:Toast, dammit Bob, now I gotta go back and gets 3rds at Metro Buffet.
    Bob:There is no Metro Buffet outta town.
    Burrkiss:DUH!!! I TOLD you I was taking a 2 hr lunch.
    Bob laughs.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • This is communication from the school of 'If I want your attention I'll smack you on your helmet'. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • TDD- I once smacked a guy on the helmet with a .50 cal barrel. That got his attention. -LaserGuru
  • Reach out and smack someone! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • And we wonder why women roll their eyes at our "male bonding" techniques... -RiffRaff
  • <punches Riff in the shoulder> Egg-fucking-sactly you ugly butt monkey!!! -burrkiss
  • That's why the non-verbal portion of communication is so important. Our 'teching' would work so much better if we could 'communicate' a few smacks down the line to the (l)user. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Not being in the army, my only helmet is in my pants. Hands off, even if you want my attention. -smellystudent
  • Ahhhh...this is a bloke thing right? -CommanderData
  • <slugs CD on shoulder> Nope. -burrkiss
  • <slugs burkiss on the shoulder, then grabs him in a half-nelson headlock and turns burkiss to face CD>"Ok, CD...Now it's your turn! Let him have it!" {BFEG} -rokitt
  • <passes CD a large wet Strugeon> You remember the monty python scene, right? -Armakuni
  • *hoist smaller male onto shoulders, spins around a few times really fast and drops em on the couch* what do you mean thats not a proper helo? -Harm
  • If Barbara, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Barb, Suzy, Debbie, and Shelly. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless. -LoTech
  • Or the ever popular "Hey dude" -TheMage18
  • 20. Cranky old crotchety Krone
    I'm driving along in one of the outlying towns that I patrol. HEhe patrol, sounds manly. When my signal leak detector goes off. A leak detector monitors 5-1000 Mhz and basiclly squeels like a piggy when it finds some. This is important to find and fix, since these freq interfeer with airplane navigation, police radio (I fucking care). It is also EXTREAMLY enforced by the FCC. IE when I find a leak, and determine that I cannot fix it outside the house, I knock and see if someone is home, and if not, leave a tag telling them that they need to set a appointment with us to get it fixed within a week or get turned off. If they are home, I fix the problem, usually free, assuming they arnt a fucknugget and shaved the wire with a knife to jam the center conductor into the back of the tv in the new addition. That said.

    Knock Knock
    COCK (Cranky Old Crotchety Krone):Yeah?
    Burrkiss: I am burrkiss from Cable Co, *waves towards van* I have detected a signal leak from inside your house. May I come inside and fix it.
    Banter back and forth trying to get COCK to understand that I aint playing around and it needs to get fixed. Finally burrkiss gets to enter the COCK house. Burrkiss is allowed to walk to the COCK TV, while the leak detector gets shriller and shriller the closer he walks. Burrkiss has to turn it down a bit, and notices that its Yowling @ 100. Anything past 50 is in the red.
    Burrkiss sets the leak detector down, looks again, its buried past 200. He asks if she has one or more tv's. He gets VERY surly answers. He begins to fix the problems. Bad connectors that are 30+ years old. COCK keeps expressing disbelief as to the fact that her house is a problem. Finally she steps it in. Yes the COCK steped in shit.
    COCK:Your lying
    Burrkiss:Eggsccuze me??/
    COCK: Your making this all up
    Burrkiss: Yeah, I made all this up just to enter your cat piss soaked shit hole. You can let me fix the leak, or per FCC law, I will turn off your service, and NOONE in ANY cable company will hook you back up. Now sit down and let me finish. *I only had to crimp a connector back on and I was done. The signal detector that I HAD NOT TOUCHED was quiet.* I hope you notice that my device is not making any noise anymore, I hope you realize that I'm not a lier. Fuckyouverymuchhaveaniceday

    Burrkiss walks out.

    Fucking cunt rag.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • we had one of those too. A guy had 10 outlets in his house. This was in the RURAL areas of where I live. He was down the street and it was going way off (not even close to the house) and he walked in. Guy installed his own outlets with his own splitter and his own cabling.......fucknugget -Bunglehawk069
  • Awww, you still fixed the bastards problem? Pity you couldn't just discon the twat & have done with it. As it wasn't to be, NICE LART. -lineswine
  • Had I not been 5 seconds from finishing, I would of. 200 millivolt leak is friggin HUGE. Instant fix or disconnect. -burrkiss
  • Or fix it from outside with an attenuator. 200 mV to 2 mV in a hurry! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • he he, nice acronym, good one :) -Armakuni
  • 21. Leo
    Shit Leo, 12 in a row!!!!

    Record breaker.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • LOL! Burrkiss, read the thing I just posted to the one with Google....speak of the devil and up he jumps! :D -halfstarfish
  • Burkiss, why does everyone think you are perverted? I haven't seen anything strange in your comments... -Gerund
  • Then your a pervert like me. -burrkiss
  • Burrkiss, you're not perverted, you're one of the funniest people on this board! :D -halfstarfish
  • Burkiss, your just jealous that this man can do it more times in one day, than you can all year. Post, I mean. Yeah, that's it, post. -Bobsentme
  • I know they aren't perverts. I'm one, and they're never at the meetings! -Captain Trips
  • 1/2* i AM BOTH :d -burrkiss
  • And what's wrong with being a perv? -missourimule
  • Noone said it was. -burrkiss
  • It's more fun in the gutter! -TheMage18
  • "Everyone floats down here." </It> -missourimule
  • The Gutter! So that what that place up there is <beg> -StylinTechie
    This story shall be short and sweet, just like a Oompaloompa.

    I get a call on the radio to go to the 5 Seasons center (huge Iowhan convention center) and drop off a new DVR to Bill (20 years exp.) and Larry (5 satelight and 5 cable exp). {----------- Thats important.

    I get there and drop off the DVR. Larry hooks it up and the box reads 12:00 and has "One Moment Please" on the screen. This indicates a possible blown box (unlikeley 2 in a row.) or a severe signal issue. I make a smart assed comment to Larry of "I can go get the signal meter, but are you SURE dont have the wires backwards?"

    Larry: Go get the meter

    Burrkiss goes and gets the meter. Giving Larry enough time to fix the issue IF that had been the problem. Since all the wires were buried behind crap, it was possible. Burrkiss unhooks the "To TV/VCR" wire and begins to hook it to the signal meter. Larry comments that I'm basicly a moron. Burrkiss gets to use the "I dont tell you when to take the fries out of the oil, so lemme alone." Bill laughs. Burrkiss reads the the signal on the wire. Hmmmmmmm 4/3 nice signal.

    Burrkiss: Hey Larry, 4/3 on this wire, just put the in in the in hole and the out in the out hole.

    Larry grumbles and glares, Bill laughs, Burrkiss sits down quietly smirking. Larry restores picture, but no audio. Larry and Bill fiddle with it for a few minutes the Burrkiss says "Do you want me to..."


    Burrkiss sits patiently waiting to trump the backwards cables. Could be a blown tv, unlikely, blown audio ports on the box, unlikely, could have the audio jacks in the wrong holes.............

    Burrkiss with a 30 to 1 experience ratio WINS!!!!! Burrkiss also promised to tell noone @ work to ellict 2 favors from each. BFEG!!!!
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Bill & Larry, huh? - Could've been Bill & Ted for all the competence they were showing. Too funny! -teivrann
  • Ok so that's Larry the Cable Guy, right? Get 'er done! -technaround
  • He was putting it in the wrong hole? -Veinor
  • As someone with DBS and cable experience, I must always hang my head in shame at what passes for techs these days. If you want fun, select any given output on a splitter and swap it with the input and see how long it takes them to figure that one out, especially if it is a model that allows backfeeding to some degree. "Crap on one and not the others, wtf? I know I did this right..." -suitepotato
  • Iowa? Sounds like the cable guy that installed my DVR at my house a couple of months ago. He spent 25 minutes and something like 6 reboots to try and get the thing to connect up properly. I finally suggested that we take my DVD player out of the line and Voila! There was enough signal. -scooby111
  • 23. Screw this day.
    In all honesty today wasnt too bad.

    Untill the last job, then someone opened the door to the Twilight Zone.

    I'm in a fogie farm (aka retirement home for drueling old drugged zombies) taking care of a trouble call when I stumble into a horrific sight. A little old lady with a baby doll. Wierd.

    Kissing the doll. Wierder.

    WITH TOUNGE. Wierdest.

    I was actually blinking and twitching when a wandering nurse snapped my neurons back into sync with normal space, with a casual "Oh, thats normal" Bullfuckingshit it is

    So I have a drive home afterwards and hit the interstate. A POS infront of me suddenly has his hood fly completly up crashing into the windsheild (windscreen for you Brits). Freak almost causes a 10 car pileup by freaking out. I have personally had this happen TWICE and all you have to do, is casually look to the right, and pull over to the shoulder, as people DO get out of your way when the hood flies up.

    I get off the interstate, since it seems too dangerous. I'm crusing down Mt Vernon RD and here is a nice sight. A man out for a casual stroll down the middle of the a woman's bikini. Its 30 out. Nice drugs, I want some cause FUCK THIS DAY. I'm closing the windows, shades and taking myself off the grid after this post.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <shrugs> What can you say? It's Iowa. <eg> -RiffRaff
  • Yeah, you have satanic turtles. -burrkiss
  • I can understand the doll. My grandmother, in her later stage of Alzheimer's, thought she was a little girl again and carried her doll everywhere. But the other incidents are just wierd. -mccallister
  • Fun. Some co-workers around a friend at work was recounting the guy (when she worked for a lingerie store) who wanted to try on the satin panties for himself there. -namor
  • Be glad that this was only 1 day. We take care of my mother-in-law. She's 91 with a memory span of about 10 seconds. Not long ago she spent her days -3 of them, reading the phone book, outloud, to herself. I could tell more horrible stuff but won't. I told my wife that if I ever get that way to please shoot me. -atomicbill
  • I thought our rolling outages due to viruses were bad. I suddenly feel better now. -Bobsentme
  • I agree you should go home and hide. Or just have a beer (or 12) and watch TV for the rest of the night. -Starfury
  • My god, man, you've either been smoking some GOOD shit (stop bogarting, buddy) or Rod Serling has come back to personally haunt you! -Captain Trips
  • It is normal, my MIL's roomate has a babydoll, although I've never seen her frenching it. -VIPERsssss
  • Keep in mind that Due to our jobs (thinking) we are less likely to suffer from dementia. If I ever get that "gone" I want an LSD drip. If I'm gonna go I wanna see dragons-n-shit. -VIPERsssss
  • Ahhhh, sit back, put your feet up and take a healthy dose of brain bleach....there, isn't that much better.. -SFishWrangler
  • What a story. whoa burrkiss. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • And here I thought I had a freaky day. -RandalGraves
  • Apparently dolls/stuffed animals are helpful to Alzheimer's patients, but I agree that if I ever got like that I'd want to be shot & put out of both my misery and my family's. -purplelinguist
  • I used to be around nursing homes when I ran ambulance. I have never seen someone frenching a doll but some other stuff I have witnessed was pretty weird -rockytech
  • A colleague of mine was delivering books to an old peoples home when he was about to put the books in the cabinet when an old woman stood up, pointed to him and shouted “That’s the one who did it to me!”, he said he looked at all the faces staring at him, grinned and legged it out of there! He found out later that she had Alzheimer’s and scared the sh!t out of all male visitors to the home by doing this! -Thokas
  • I've had the hood of my car fly up into my windshield before too, and it's not that hard to pull over and get off the road. I also saw some guy that happened to in the car the next lane over and he lost control of the car and started spinning down the road until he went off into some bushes. -JH
  • Oh barf. That's just nasty. I mean, it's gotta be nasty to gross burrkiss out..... -CommanderData
  • Wow, and probably the sickest thing I've seen is (when I lived in SoCal) some guy walking on the sidewalk (thankfully I was driving) playing with himself - in broad daylight...that was grotesque enough... -PCRaevyn
  • 24. Fun with the radio
    Toxicity was playing on the FM radio. Dispatch has a long line of tech waiting to code off jobs. Its 630 pm. Burrkiss is getting weird(er). When the line in the Toxicity song "I like the way smack my ass" comes on. I flick the broadcast button. The FM radio was blastin' thumpin' slammin' dat sheyt homie.

    This is what Dispatch heard.
    Tech 23 "Yeah Job 298423 complete, with times of...........


    What dispatch DIDNT hear was burrkiss laughing his ass off so bad he had to pull over. BFEG
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Nice :) Sooooo did dispatch say that or was it the song <One way ticket to the LART shelter, express train please> -Armakuni
  • What do you own the world? How do you own Disorder? < Waving Armakuni to hurry up and get in the shelter! > -Necros
  • Awwwww, how sweet. They're playing our song, Burrkie. You know, we're coming up on the one year anniversary of the first time you ever said that very line to me. Remember? While I had you hogtied in my basement? <bfeg> -RiffRaff
  • That's a cool song! I like to imagine it being sung by Elmer Fudd! :) -rokitt
  • Toxicity doesn't have that line in it. I think that line is from Puddle of Mudd - Control -Bunglehawk069
  • Bunglehawk was correct with the name and artist info on this one. I love that sog too, I call it the smack my ass song. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • "....WHEN I HAVE CONTROL OF YOU!"..... -JoeLugian
  • Good song off of a good CD. -rockytech
  • Yup, Bunglehawk's right - and it's great fantasy music... -teivrann
  • Damn. Now I'm going to have to rewrite this one after work... -maciarc
  • I like big butts, and I cannot lie. -- Sir Mix-A-Lot -Mushroom
  • 25. NSFW OT
    Didnt want to bump CD in the link or the soapbox area.

    WTF goes through peoples mines to invent this shit?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Burrkiss, ask your SO about hover pissing. It will explain the need for the magic cone. -MisterMiracle
  • I noticed she never pulled her panties up when she finished...does that mean she wants to do something else? :D -rokitt
  • ... and how is it you found this site? -K1W1
  • More for women in Japan, it looks like. That I can understand. -namor
  • WTF??? Penis envy perhaps. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Look at the door in the background. It has the 'ladies toilet' sign on it. Either she's left it open, or she's *outside* the ladies toilet. Should've shown her neatly pissing into a bush :-) -smellystudent
  • "Next Story: NSFW OT by burrkiss" -- redundant, isn't it? -concept14
  • I love the engrish. -VIPERsssss
  • 26. YOUR too good for ME???
    So, I'm sitting in the gas station, slacking and having a smoke in my van. This guy comes to my van and asks if he can have a smoke for $.25. I offer one of mine, just cause he stinks and I want him to go away.
    Burrkiss" You can have one of mine, but they are import cloves."
    Moocher "Oh, no thanks."
    Burrkiss WTF picky little shit, take your nic fix where you can
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I used to get thes moochers when I was in the miltary. I came up with a solution for that. I kept a pack of months-old smokes in one pocket (the fresh pack was in another pocet) and gave them one from the old pack They never tried to bum a smoke from me again. Cough, cough, gag, gag! -mccallister
  • When I was in the Army, stationed over in Germany (late 80's), we could go to the Commissary and pick up a *carton* of White Lable sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-generic cigarettes for *$2.05*. No, that isn't a typo. *Two dollars and five cents*. This is the kind of cigarette that even the most hardcore smokers can't make it through more than a pack consecutively. Find someone who smokes those, and give 'em a soda in exchange for a partial pack. Problem solved. <bfeg> -missourimule
  • Oh, and in my area, currently, we have a brand called "USA Gold", complete with a "sort of" Olympic design. $14.80 a carton, $1.30 a pack. Sounds like the same deal to me. -missourimule
  • That was my poison when I did smoke. Djarum blacks...mmm... -Dragones
  • I don't smoke, and I stopped drinking when I turned 21. When I was stationed in Germany, you could get a lot for two cartons of Marlboros and a bottle of Jack Daniels or Jim Beam. -LaserGuru
  • Once had a homeless woman refuse my clean, take-out leftovers because they weren't Kosher or Vegetarian. Uh...??? -snowcrash
  • I smoke menthols. Once in the mall, I had a bumb ask me for a smoke. When he saw the green pack, he made a nasty face. I placed the smokes back in my pocket and kepot walking. the bumb calls after me "Hey, I'll take one of those" and I said "no you won't" and continued on my way. -Dcadiman
  • I believe there are still some people that don't realize clove cigarettes are 50-90% tobacco. Oh, and the "homeless" woman who keeps kosher? There are many people making a GOOD living off of appearing homeless -- they usually retire after 2-3 years of bumming money, drive Cadillas, and when "off the clock" wear designer clothes. Which is why I no longer give money to people standing at freeway offramps with cardboard signs -- too many of them are just scammers (and they have ruined it for those who really need help.) -Captain Trips
  • Yup, even in a low-traffic area (in town, of course), they can make $150+ on a slow day. "I choose to live free." Yeah, buddy, and I choose to tell your stank ass to get a f-in job and kiss my ass! When I drove for Domino's, we had an off-ramp about a block from our store. We knew the regular bums, and they wouldn't even bother to come up to the window once we started using cartops. (change of ownership, previous owner was too cheap to keep working cartops - in his defense, however, those things run upwards of $300 a piece. I guess he got tired of replacing them after they'd get jacked. Takes all of 3 seconds to unplug the cord and run off with one. Stupid college kids. (no offense to present company, of course.) I hope they all wind up owning Pizza franchises, so they can realize just how their stupid freakin' pranks "didn't hurt nobody".) -missourimule
  • And after a while, they'd recognize our cars even without the cartops, so we didn't get bothered even when we were off the clock. -missourimule
  • Around my old apartment they had 'the dog' three or four people would rotate turns with this dog to look more pitiful and make more money. I gave money to the kid who spent his bus money on video games instead of a bus back home for thanksgiving. Whether he spent it on gmaes or a bus ticket I don't know, but at least he only came around once, without 'the dog'. The very fat dog. -Taterlain
  • My wife and I got stopped in the street by a teenage girl begging for bus fare to get across town. When my wife pulled out a bus ticket, she refused it, and asked for cash. We just laughed and walked away. -TechOgre
  • Djarum blacks..thats my poison now..great for keeping freeloaders off your back. -neuman1812
  • Amen to that, Cap. Hey, MM... $2.05? They were ripping you off. I remember when I could go the the 32nd Street Exchange (wetside) and get a carton of Marlboros for $10, and this was in 87-88. They used to have the $2 off couple you could redeem at the regsiter taped to the carton. -MadJack
  • 27. Fist
    So, I got this greenhorn with me, running around with me all day, learning the wise wisdom of the Burrkiss. We roll to do a install at a "apartment". I use this term loosely. As this is the type of shithole that is a converted church or some shit and has only 1 bathroom PER FLOOR.
    Soooo I 1st introduce my green horn to Vicks Vapor Rub. Same thing that mortitions, and CSI dead body examinors use to hide the nauseating stench. We knock on the sub's door and a 1/2 way attractive chick (dont get all PC on me, this is my story) answers the door. I collect the money and check the ID. There my partner and I seperate....
    "You NEVER NEVER leave your wingman" *Top Gun*
    ........he takes the box and begins to hook it up to the TV and VCR. I go outside and hook up the service in the can. I wander back and can see the blue screen from the door. My greenie turns his back to the TV/VCR/Box to ask me what to to to fix this. I answer "turn off the VCR". My greenie doesnt even bother to turn around to make SURE he hits the power button.

    Here is the freeze frame. Burrkiss in the doorway looking at the TV, greenie a foot away from the TV with his back turned, having just hit A button on the VCR. Sub in the room.

    Unfreeze frame. My eyes widened to full dilation and a bloodcurdling scream flew from my slack jaw. My greenie, who has his back turned, only heard the sound from the TV, and a confused look crossed his face for 1/2 a second, then was replaced to one of "Fuck No". He turns to the TV and gets a close up my cause for screaming. He screams, I scream again while bolting for the power cord to the TV. I pull the plug. The sub's face was a interesting shade of red/pale white that I didnt know existed in the color spectrum.

    "Sign here and dont say ANYTHING" My greenie and I left, but not before the retnial burns. As some of you have guessed...
    Yes it was a gay flick.
    Yes the guys were very vocal about enjoying it.
    Yes both techs were straight and this was the last thing we wanted to see
    Yes you may wonder why the title says "Fist"
    Yes, one has his FIST buried up the others USB port.
    Yes the "Takee" even screamed "Rougher", but I swear he screamed "Riffster"
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Freaky. -iFox
  • Do you get danger money for this sort of thing? -robbor
  • Well, now we know why burkiss makes all these off color comments <BFEG> -pcgod
  • Maybe he was just looking for the remote...<flees for shelter> -modeski
  • Someone of my loose accqaintance got married and disposed of certain video tapes before his wife to be moved in. I got the last one to be handed out and soon found out why no-one else had wanted it. Can we all say Gay S/M. . .I watched it once in the kind of fascination a rabbit seeing the headlights approach must feel before burning it. After watching a double fisting I felt queezy about going to th toilet for over a week. -Zoomer
  • I have never heard it referred to as a 'USB port' before. Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'splitter'.... -CommanderData
  • The term Meat Puppet is just never gonna be the same for me...thanks alot. -Bobsentme
  • All ya gotta do is tell *Mrs. Burkiss* that you need to see at least some boobies to get that evil image out of your head :D -ITNaziChick
  • Fist, oh and there was me thinking the title was supposed to be First, rolls eyes -RTFM
  • I thought part of his problem was that there is no Mrs. Burrkiss! -Captain Trips
  • The real question is was the 1/2 way attractive chick really a chick? -angrymacface
  • Brain-bleach, Brain-bleach. Who has the brain-bleach? Must, purge, image, from, brain! -Wraith556
  • "universal serial bus"... do you REALLY want that orifice to be universally used? Reminds me of a game my husband used to play when he worked nights. He & his coworkers would pick a random subject, and see how few connections they could make before changing the subject to anal fisting. They creatively called it "Six Degrees of Anal Fisting." -Nonamys
  • "Fist Post" - Slashydot -Geminii
  • Psudo, when you're done with the brain bleach, pass it over here! -sassicatz
  • I thought it was going to be a home-video starring Ms "1/2-way attractive chick" at first. But....that's.....just......wrong.... -kman52000
  • Looks from here like you weren't the only one doing a "hook up the service in the can"...<BFEG> -lineswine
  • "In the can?" She's paying for her neighbors to share her access while on the throne? -missourimule
  • 28. Wtf
    Phone Rings

    Burrkiss "Yeah"

    Moron "Burrkiss? This is moron from King and Queens."

    Burrkiss "Ok" (who the F are you?)

    Moron "Is Charles there?"

    Burrkiss "No, you asked for Burrkiss, wrong number"

    Moron "Are you sure?"

    Burrkiss "Do you know the sound of digital silence?"

    Moron "Huh?"

    Burrkiss *click*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • "Is this the party to whom I am speaking?" -GreyDuck
  • There ain't no Thelma here! -teivrann
  • "Sorry, she can't come to the phone; my dick's in her mouth." </Danny DeVito, from a movie I can't recall the name of offhand> -Amiga5000
  • Teivrann, While I know exactly what you are talking about, are there really that many people who would recognize that reference? -TheSingingTech
  • Amiga5000: That was "Ruthless People". SingingTech: I think I'm gonna order that movie on DVD if I can... *grin* -teivrann
  • SingingTech, I knew exactly what movie it was. I quote it every day dealing with the SF's. The one cop looks at the other cop towards the end of the movie and says "He could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him." That's how I feel about every SF. -Pawn
  • I'm a much bigger fan of Analogue silence, which you can acheive with a Rawlings Big Stick 36" baseball bat with a 6' nail hammered through the business end. -Digital Dogcow
  • 29. Question
    Which one of you BONEHEADS works @ Nikon camera division and attempted to slap a unnecessary reboot on me? Half way to going to device manager he tries to tell me to reboot. Called him on it and he claims to have 'misspoken' himself. I informed him that I'm not a 'starfish', which got a nice laugh, indicating a presence here @ TSC. FYI Nikon boy keep the penalty reboots to the morons, not the average dude.

    "Nothing to see here, move along* Officer Barbrady
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • But... the average dude IS a moron... (not you!) -Veinor
  • Burr you must have been in SF stealth mode. -Psudo
  • *gets his torch and pitch fork* Lets get'em... -xtc46
  • We should all find a way to ID ourselves if we have to call in anywhere. Like "Hi, I'm Vermiis, and I'm not a Starfish!". Or, maybe something a bit more subtle, hehehe. -Vermiis
  • I think a "this should be an interesting write-up for TSC" should suffice. After all, if they *get* it, you get the best treatment possible. If they don' can still vent here! -snowcrash
  • Answer the phones with your TSC nicknames. It's not like the regular callers hear your first name anyway. -thx1138
  • No, but anyone monitoring your call would, lol. I think I'll try that for a day though, LMAO. -Vermiis
  • Try ":My friend MS CB told me you wouldn't know how to fix this" -satanstech
  • Nah - just have your password as "techcomedy" -lineswine
  • Maybe, when calling for help and the tech answers, respond with "Is this TSC?" If <yes> then the password has been given and received. If <no> just go on with "well, here's my problem..." -Captain Trips
  • i vote we simply agree that when any of us has too call a tech line for any reason, after the opening spiel we simply say anemone ?sp? thereby identifying ourselves as collectors of SF humor. Example: tech: hi this is joe from gubgub world how may i help you me: anemone tech: ok well then lets get started with step 15 and move right on too no charging you a replacement upgraded system etc etc etc -ezrun
  • How about "My name is Burrkiss, I'm with TSC I have a problem with my _blank_ " -burrkiss
  • Well, I just read what I posted. Comments expected. -burrkiss
  • It appears that no one is going to confess to it. -JH
  • And no, it's not me. -JH
  • I'd confess but I've never worked for them AND I'm currently unemployed. -snowcrash
  • Innocent here, I work in health care -TheMage18
  • Innocent here too. But perhaps the Nikon tech was looking for an excuse to pad time while waiting for a database to open, or to get caught up on their notes. [/DA] -HidariMak
  • 30. USA acronym
    Cant leave out the USA

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Yeah, figured it was a little over-the-top at that foreign student party, chanting "U-SA, U-SA!" while beating their asses at Beer Pong (Beruit, many different names). Those Asian students just cannot handle their Natty Ice. </stereotype> -objekt404
  • Acronyms Can Really Only Numb Your Mind. -robbor
  • Current User Needs Thearapy. Lying Underhanded Stupid End useR. -Mathias
  • Pissy Annoying Customers Must Always Neep. -Mathias
  • Brash Uncouth Rude Raucous Keeps Illuminating Saddened Souls <he he> -notBurrkiss
  • How about some Bagdad Bingo? That's under the B 52, A 10, M 1, F 15, etc. -atomicbill
  • 31. Run Burrkiss Run
    It was 6pm dark and rainy with a touch of cold, just enough to harden the nipples of our favorite cable field tech.
    Burrkiss: 54 to base. I'm done with all work and bored on the SE side.

    Base :Goto 1702 Bever Ave SE and find the illegal connection going from Apt C to B. Cut it.

    Burrkiss :.............Yeah, you want me to goto the middle of the hood on a Saturday night and clip a drug dealers free cable? Can I at least get backup? How increasing my life insurance?

    Base: Quit crying

    Burrkiss: If you dont hear from me in 20 minutes, tell my wife I love her. 54 clear.

    Burrkiss drives to the address, parks 1/2 a block away, turns off the van and leaves the key in the ignition. Upon walking up to the house with a small flashlight to find the illegale cable in question, our cable hero noticed he didnt even need the flashlight even in the dark stanky hood. There was a cable coming out from the window air conditioner, running all the way around the other side of the house and back in the other apt's window air conditioner. Yeah thats cable policy Our brave hero of the cable industry grabs the wire, grabs the wire cutters and.......

    Hey Tyrone That guys cutting your cable!! Get him!!

    *snip* Burrkiss holds onto his tool belt and makes for his van........ Question/ Its common knowledge that blacks are faster runners than whites. So my question is what is faster than a mad black? A HONKEY GETTING CHASE BY TWO BLACKS

    I made it back to the van 1st, turned the key already in the ignition (thanx paranoia), and sped off. I did stop about 100' away, roll down the window and shout "Your just mad cause I wouldnt take food stamps for your install"
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • LMAO! -Gecko
  • I know a guy that used to deliver mail to the 'hood' and he was one of the few white people that could go in there and not get mugged. Any time a postal worker would get attacked the mail would not be delivered for 2 months and they'd have to go to the post office to pick up their welfare checks. -Starfury
  • Let me get this straight... You went to a bad part of town to cut someones illegaly shared cable connection, *and* left the keys in the ignition. You're lucky you didn't run back to your van, with Looie-swinging Tyrone at your heels, only to find that it had just been lifted... -LinuXtreme
  • Glad you made it okay. I'm not what people consider a quick man. I don't know what the adrenaline would do for me though -jard
  • <reads first sentence> :} ...horny geek-bf thoughts...i'm's all good...i'm fine...*thunk*...*twitch* -mousie
  • How much bullshit is that? having to fear for your life while doing your job. (talking about jobs other than firemen, Police, and our soldiers!) I hope you go back there with a cop during the day and arrest those bastards AND THEN cut their cable. : ) -JoeLugian
  • ROFLMAO... That makes for a great mental image. Wish I'd been there with a video camera. I could have offered it to TSC members at $5 a pop and retired a rich man. <bfeg> Bet it will be a long time before you tell dispatch you're bored again, huh? <*snicker*> -RiffRaff
  • We used to have neighborhoods we'd only send techs out during the day to. If anything was an emergency, we'd call the police for an escort. Too many techs were afraid to go there. -TechieSidhe
  • Riff: you could charge 20 bucks and i would still pay :). Glad your ok Burkiss, this place wouldn't be the same with out your posts. -Armakuni
  • WOO HOO!!! I made mousie faint!!! -burrkiss
  • Wait a minute. "The hood"? In Iowa? What, a bunch of Cyclone fans? -Dewby
  • A tip, Burkiss - ALWAYS have a spare ignition key in your pocket if you're going to do things like that! (Along with your Life Insurance and your Will) Glad you made it. -Gromit
  • What were you afraid of? Black people? I didn't know Iowa was so racist. -billybien
  • No, billybien, he's scared of being chased by a bunch of guys who mean to kick his ass. I beleive at that point, they could be green martians, and I'd need me a new pair of drawers. -TechieSidhe
  • Great story, and I agree with GL: it sucks that life and limb are put at risk simply but cutting a cable. Nice gallows humor on the backup and insurance bits, too... -hkypipe
  • Burkiss, I know how you feel. I spent a couple of years delivering Pizza. Been chased to my car for a lousy pizza and almost drove over another attempted mugger. We had one driver stab an assault for trying steal a pizza. (three inch blade through the guys hand, into the pizza) Unfortunately, another friend needed 5 stitches on the scalp after getting mugged for his $40 change. And a friend was shot with .22 for a pizza. Four rounds fired three feet from the drivers door, three missed the driver and car, one went through the door and bruised a rib. -Year9595
  • I interviewed for a Cable Installation job once. One of the interviewer’s questions was, what would you do if your on a disconnect call, and a home owner attacks you with an axe? Me: Run like hell. -Year9595
  • :> You da man :> -RTFM
  • Holy are lucky 1. that you weren't caught and 2. that your van wasn't lifed. I'd consider carrying some pepper spray or a club or something (dam the company policy). The worst we had here was a customer that canceled his *isp* service and pointed a shotgun out the window at the tech when he pulled up in the drive. He threw it in reverse and peeled outa there (can't blame him). -leonine
  • Thanks, Burkiss. I needed that laugh. -sassicatz
  • The race is usually won by the person with the best reason to run. You had a damn good reason to run. -scooby111
  • It's only "racist" because this particular bunch of black people decided to live their stereotype. You know, uneducated lowlifes who try to solve everything with violence. Kinda like politicians. -Kensai7
  • Heh.. I needed that laugh today. We used to have some servers in Newark, NJ. Never been there but I never wanted to. -rockytech
  • Take a Katana with you next time. Cut the cable real fast and at least you've got a weapon with you should things turn ugly. -Darth
  • You should have given a quick pull on the cable right before you cut it. Maybe you'd have been lucky and pulled something off a table and broken it. There's always next time they send you back there once these people run the line again. -JH
  • Nah, even the second or so pulling might be the difference between getting to the van first or not getting to the van. Your life and health are worth far more to you than any amount of ripped off access. If its so dammed important to the company then they can afford to send a squad in there no one poor tech -Zoomer
  • I suspect a bit of exaggeration too. I mean, c'mon, stanky hood in See Da Rabbits? -concept14
  • It's good to know that you made it back safely, Burkiss. Too bad fishing line or piano wire wasn't handy though. You could have disconnected the cable, yanked whatever they had that illegal cable going to, and made a safe and quick getaway, all without breaking a sweat. If you report what happened to you, I hope they'll learn from that mistake of sending you out under those conditions. -HidariMak
  • I'm in agreement with JoeLugian - this ain't the type of job you get paid to risk life & limb for. Tell work you are happy to go to that area to do disconnects again, as long as you are accompanied by the dispatcher, the head beancounter & the CEO - let's see how fast they find resources for 'backup' then... -lineswine
  • 32. Burrkiss unmasked
    My supervisor is taking our money from installs, and telling us a horror story about Sears. Blahblahblah, she asked if something was possible in relation to cars. I told her I would have to ask my 'crazy Jap friend'.

    Larry "Whos your friend?"

    Burrkiss "Shige Sukioka"

    Larry turns around "Your BURRKISS!!!!" This is my last name. Everybody knows me by my 1st name. The signifance of the last name is akin to Jeckle and Hyde. By calling me by my last name, he knows about the 10 years of my life (when I went by Burrkiss). If I wrote a autobiography, would be listed as fiction as nobody would believe it.

    Burrkiss "Fuck" I got up and started to leave.

    Supervisor "What? Where are you going?" While in the background Larry is chanting Burrkiss Burrkiss just like the Badger song.

    Burrkiss "I'm going before I have to deny the stories. Most likely I dont have anything to worry about as you wont believe Larry." Burrkiss exits stage left.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • BUSTED! so when are you gonna share some of these stories with your family here? -wolfprince
  • and if you already told me any of these at Rabbitt's, jose made me forget them..... -wolfprince
  • he told quite a few while sharing some quality time with you and jose at the BBQ dear. -rhiannon
  • I'd love to hear them when I'm in a state to remember them.... sober. -wolfprince
  • "You're all BASTARDS!" -- Golemn @ the MTV Awards -Necros
  • No wonder you and I get along so well. ;~} Ahhhhh, the memories of a dark and shadowy past... -RiffRaff
  • 33. Dick's Petro
    So I'm behind this tanker truck that has "Dick's Petroelum" on the side. I get to thinking (yes I do think) Petro is another name for Oil. So this guy owns a company selling Dick Oil. A WHOLE tanker full of Dick Oil.

    HONEY Take the kid to grandma's, cause we got a lot of *censored* to do tonight to use up 10,000 gallons of Dick Oil.

    I'm the PUNstoppable PUNisher.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • How many Dicks do you have to grind up to get that much oil from them though? -teivrann
  • eewwwww. that is wrong teivrann, it is just so wrong in soooo many ways! LOL <pours bleach in ear hoping to wash mind> -ecoli
  • I'm gonna have a look through the phone book and see how many Richard Oil's I can find :) -Armakuni
  • I forsee a lot of carpel tunel in the future! -Harm
  • Oh lor *hides under tarp to escape Pun Season* -CommanderData
  • let's GET OFF this SLIPPERY subject! -CyBear
  • We have a company named "Whitehead Oil" here. -VIPERsssss
  • I went to school with the owner's son, Doug. -VIPERsssss
  • ... or someone may go Off prematurly? -Harm
  • Teiv, they don't grind them up, they just crush 'em. Like olive oil or baby oil. -Tekkie
  • Hmmm... they have virgin oilve oil, so maybe.... -LaserGuru
  • Maybe they sell to one of our local companies, Lube Tech? -pixel
  • Tekkie--cold-press or hot-press? -pixel
  • Ouch! ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. No more girls talking about crushing male genitalia! <fingers in ears> La La La La!!! -Amiga5000
  • John Thomas' Ointment -SGTARKyTEK
  • LOL @ Sarge! -sassicatz
  • 34. The @ sign
    Does the @ sign have a name? Like the $ is a 'dollar sign' and the ! is a 'exclamation point'.....and NO I am not looking for "the at sign"
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • ampersand -clockkingfl
  • & is the ampersand, don't think @ has an official name -lasciate
  • I don't think it has an official name other than "at", but I have heard it referred to as a strudel. -LadySharky
  • I've been trying to find that out for years. Unfortunately, no one seems to know. I'll check at the library this weekend, in the reference section. The # is the Octothorpe, but the internet is full of ideas on what people in non-English speaking countries call it. -snowcrash
  • I think it's just called the "at" symbol... Most people know what you're talking about, and if you've ever played online games with assholes, you've been the victim of an "At Bomb"; a string of @@@@@ for what seems like forever repeated ad nauseum -exzyle2k
  • Looks very much like the best name for it is "the at sign"... -devzero
  • -LadySharky
  • <twitch> Dev... <hides under the lart-proof Gateways> -exzyle2k
  • -- there ya go :) -EagleEye
  • The at-a-rate? That's what I was taught it was called. Because you see 4@3.95 is "4 at-a-rate of 3.95" -ralphp1024
  • I hope thats not it... -MrsTechnoVamp
  • I've heard it referred to as "in care of" -Mango
  • The most commonly accepted term is 'arrobase' but I wouldn't even ATTEMPT to use that one on a starfish - they have enough trouble with words like 'click', 'start', 'reboot', or 'dickhead'. -Gromit
  • @ At, or to ; as, silk @$2 per yd. ; flour per bar. $8 @ $10.50. From Websters New International Dictionary (c) 1920 - Arbitrary Signs used in writing and printing. - VIII. Monetary and Commercial. -Wonko The Sane
  • it has lots of names apparantly -Olorin
  • It was known as the "commercial at" at one point. Now, it seems to be just "at". (Hacker's Dictionary) -chazz
  • FWIW.. I've heard old-timers say "in care of" -itsnotmyrouter
  • 35. Milkbone Underwear
    I was all sad a few hours ago. Why? I had a long story to tell, and had squat for fundage to purchase another star.


    1st let me say that I have 2 cute little bastards of dogs. I love dogs. 2nd I love my health. My health comes before anyone else's dog.

    "Its a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone Underwear" Author forgotten. Yup, I had on meat-soaked Milkbone underwear yesterday.

    I was just wandering along doing my cable dude thing. I hop out of my van and locate the ped (junction point for 2-16 people) and wander into the unfenced front yard. I kneel down, unlock the padlock and start looking for my tag (it ID's the address it goes to). My spidey sences went off, and I looked over my shoulder.

    SHIT FUCK!!!!

    I grabbed the top of the pedistal and started swinging back and forth like my life depended on it. It did. I couldnt return to the safty of my van, as that was forward, I needed to go backwards. I spared a quick glance over my shoulder and notice that the house was about 50' away and had the screen door closed. The main door was open.

    Backpetal, swing swing, backpetal, swing swing. Open door and slam it shut.

    Burrkiss "Hi, is that your fucking dog?"
    Neighbors "No that psychotic pile of fur aint mine."
    Burrkiss "Yes well, do you have a phone handy? I need to call animal control and have him taken care of."
    Neighbor "Actually he belongs to 1234 Main st. They leave him out all the time. Very violent, and wanders the whole neighborhood."
    Now I dont have a problem what the fuck you own for a pet. 30' python, badger, WOLFprince, whatever. I just dont expect you to be a totally irresponsible owner and habitually leave the fucking pile of snapping, PCP using pile of fur to roam the neighborhood trying to kill the cable guy.

    *side note* I was kneeling and had my back turned. Had I not turned at that instant, that fucking dog would have gotten me in the back of the neck. *end side note*

    After calling Animal Control, whom couldnt do much since I was technically in the county, I called the Sherrif. I gave him the senerio and agreed that shooting the dog would be a fine solution to the problem. He could even hear the bouncing of the bastard attack dog off the door and the snapping and growling.

    20 minutes later, I'm getting annoyed, as the psycho puppy is still trying to get my ass, and I'm going to get chewed by my boss for wasting time (he's a asshole) I ask "the neighbor" if he has any Mace? "NO", pepperspray? "NO".....Wasp spray? ".........yeah" He goes to get the wasp killer hands it over, and I proceed to shoot the 100 lb killing machine in the face. Snapping and snarling turn into whimpering and whining. I opened the door, the neighbor slammed it shut and I made like a geek going for a copy of Doom3 to my van. I'm sure that whenever the police showed up they took care of the problem.


    I was going into a fenced in backyard to do maintenance. Like always for a fenced in area, I whistled and jangled the lock. Noone came. I opened gate and was 1/2 way back when I guess the dog woke up and tore off towards me. I hopped the 5' fence like a Olympic champ, then walked around to the front of the house and knocked on the door. I asked if he could bring his dog inside so that I could do maintenance on the ped in his back yard. Guy said 'sure' and called his dog. I walked back around and opened the gate again. I looked all around and no dog. I went to the main box and took off the lid.

    *note* this is a 20 lb lid and not swingable. Also about 15' from the fence line.*end note*

    I'm working on the lines and swear to god I heard a padio door open. Then I hear the fucking doberman growling and moving like a bullet train right at me. I dont have the time to make it to the fence, have nothing to protect my beefy butt.
    20' I'm not moving or making any noise
    15' I'm not moving
    10' I'M NOT MOVING
    5' I pull my leg back and when the dobe leaps I kick full force with perfect timing right in the kisser. Dobe drops to the ground and doesnt move.

    Now I move. Toward the padio door. I proceed to get the owner attention by kicking the side of the house, while uttering the classy phrase of "GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT HERE *NOW*!!"

    Dipshit "What the fuck did you do to my dog!!!!!"

    Burrkiss "He's fucking dead. (just knocked out) I'm now going to call the police and have you charged with assault and battery as you knew I was back there."

    I walked back into my van and left.

    I feel sorry for this dog, as it was his owners total stupidty that got his dog hurt.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Your an ass. you must really hate dogs <beg> - sometimes you have to show a dog who is boss. There has been a few times where I have had to protect myself or MY dogs from ravid neighbor dogs. Nice lart to the second dog owner. -jard
  • . . . dog - Had to say it again. Just to let everyone know, I do love dogs. I truely believe they are a mans best friend. -jard
  • I have a pit-bull and a chow. I live in the country. The mailwoman and the meter reader guy are their best friends (seriously). They are both good dogs, but I would never let them outside without "meeting" a visitor first. Sounds like you were totally justified both times. -VIPERsssss
  • "Its a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone Underwear" - I'm not sure who coined it, but it was used in an episode of Cheers and was said by Norm after someone asked, "Norm, how's the world treating you?" :) -rokitt
  • Wasp spray and a lighter is all you need! -billybien
  • If an untrained animal decides to go for you - do whatever is necessary to defend yourself. I applaud your courage - I would have been routed to the spot in fear. -CommanderData
  • dog hater. i cant stand people who dont know how to take care of their animals. -rhiannon
  • I did this job for a while, and I don't like dogs to begin with. More than one time a client didn't get his cable turned on for that very reason. -Mathias
  • Just have to add this local story from ALbuquerque. Man had genitals removed by roaming pit bull.......ouch,cringe,ouch -RadWaste
  • Congratulations on remaining cool enough to deal with both situations. I'm not sure I could have had the presence of mind to have done so. Thank (diety) you managed to do so. Well done burrkiss! -Rabbitt
  • *side note* So happy you once again have a star. Looks really good. Missed it. Sorry about the weight gain on the back side however. *end side note* -Rabbitt
  • And, still newbies ask "Why?" when they're told to ask if the gomer has pets. THIS... IS WHY... to tell the freaking starfish to be sure the dog (or horse or pig or...) can't bother the field tech. Then, they wonder why the tech got nothing done... maybe if Phydeaux was with you i the house... -MadJack
  • Hey burrkiss, my Dad used to read meters for a utility. They suddenly banned the carrying of "sprays". So my Dad started carrying an umbrella. One that snaps open at the press of a button. The dog will (usually) attack the umbrella, and the person can back off to safety. He said it worked, he was not bit the 8 years he used it, and had averaged about one bite every two years before that. -CyBear
  • congrats on the renewal to the "big butt club", and I'm glad you got away without loosing anything personal and vital. I grew up with a 65 lb. dog, (who was part wolf) and spent many hours wrestling with her. She taught me how to pin a dog to the ground without getting bit. once pinned, it's farily easy to calm them down, and if you can read them right, you know when you can let them go, and they just go to sulk for a while. (note this doesn't work with ankle biters, they'll never calm down sufficiantly, and they're usually too small and agile to get ahold of.) -wolfprince
  • I remember when I was a door-to-door canvasser for charity and I got attacked by dogs three times in one week. And they were confused as to why my stats sucked after that. Ruined a fine leather jacket with their snapping sninannegans. And it's not from going into yards with dogs visible in them, that I avoided dearly -DracoSuave
  • "Now I dont have a problem what the fuck you own for a pet. 30' python, badger, WOLFprince, whatever." LOL! Good stories! -Bobsentme
  • "Oh, him, he chews a mean bit but he ain't hurt nobody yet..." I hate that sort of phrase from dog-owners who can't be bothered to take care of their pets. Always wondered if a well-timed kick like yours would work... good show. (NB: guess I'm a cat person, but I like dogs... cats don't play well.) -namor
  • "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx -nwqefio
  • Reminds me of the time my wife was playing with our dog in our front (unfenced) yard. One of the neighbor's adult kids had a pit bull that he used for what it was bred for -- pit fighting, which btw is illegal in Sandy Eggo. The damn dog got loose that day, had attacked another dog and a person before it saw our dog. My wife drove it off with the water hose, but not before it had attacked our dog. $500 in vet bills later, our dog was okay. The kid's father's homowner's insurance paid, and they haven't spoken to us since then. (Like it was OUR fault that he let his son raise fighting dogs? And didn't control them?) Animal control put his dog down after that, and guess what? He has another. (If it comes after our dog when I'm home, well, we'll see how a .22 in the brain feels to a pit bull. And I will gladly go to court for "discharging a firearm in city limits" to get rid of it. That jerk shouldn't be allowed to own any dogs at all.) -Captain Trips
  • To me, an unsecured pet is an unsecured weapon. If I have a non-human animal come at me with obviously-hostile intent, AND I have no other recourse, out comes the knife on my belt. It's there for cutting cables, but it's also good for dealing with attacks of this type. Score over the past 11 years: 1 dog (pit bull, attack trained, failed miserably), 7 rats (all at the same jobsite!!!). Note: the site with the rat problem solved it by buying the sum total contents of a cat shelter, building an eight-foot-square litterbox in the middle of the warehouse, and providing no food until the rats were gone. At the end of this, they kept two cats and took the rest to another shelter. -Grue
  • Good job on keeping your cool in all of that, and not getting yourself harmed in the process. It's too bad you aren't allowed to do the same thing that you did with the animal, to its owner. -HidariMak
  • There are no bad pets, just bad owners. I've got a 90 lb black lab/chow mix. Sweetest gentlest dog you ever met. He will want you to pet him all day. But he has that chow territorial instinct. If you try to climb over the fence your ass is gone. He knows good people wouldn't climb over the fence. I gave my son's friends a ration of shit one day when they hopped over the fence to visit my son. "You know, you are lucky. You didn't get killed by my dog for climbing over the fence because my son was with you. Don't EVER climb over our fence. Go to the front yard." It's not that I've trained him to do that, it's just inherited from his chow breed. But most vicious dogs will act vicious because the owners are dickheads and train their dogs that way. That said, if I know a utility person is coming over the dog is locked up in our patio. He will bark like crazy, I will talk to him and tell him the stranger is okay, and he will shut up. Most dog owners piss me off to no end. If you spend some time letting your pet know what is acceptible behavior they quickly adapt. If you don't teach them, you have a dog that barks all the damned time whenver the wind blows and is dangerous around other people. -mccallister
  • I used to work for Animal Control here in a facility that, among other things, dealt with specific dogs that, whether through genetics or training, had been known to have behaviour problems. You made damn sure that these dogs were handled only by the professional handlers and not the volunteers. It's common sense, which a lot of dog owners don't seem to have. We had a park next to our facility for exercising the dogs. It was a public park, but given its location, had strict guidelines as to how dogs should be leashed. It AMAZED me how people would just forget about putting their dog on a leash. No matter how well a dog is trained, if it's off leash next door to Animal Control where they're bringing dogs in and out all day, OF COURSE you're going to have problems! [Rant mode off. Thank you.] This is however, IMAO, fortunately a case of 1% of dog owners giving a bad name to the other 99%. -Mango
  • <Goes to comment, decides due to general canine-targetted conversation trend to opt instead for discretion, returns to LART-shelter and hides behind WolfPrince, whimpering...> -Gromit
  • Great Story! I would love to hear a follow up as to any charges that were filed. -chefque
  • 36. Midwest BBQ ?
    What days are the BBQ running? I got hit with a severe case of Torticollis and been home suffering for the last 2 days. If you call high doses of Valuim and Codiene suffering *grin*. Therefore I have to revoke my Saturday off for the BBQ. We can still be there Sunday, but obviously only if people will still be there.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Torticollis, hmm. Were you doing bendy stuff? -Tekkie
  • Knowing your mind, no I was not trying auto-felliacioa (sucking myself for the vocabularaly deprivied) -burrkiss
  • <grin> I feel your pain (even if you don't with the meds) only, a bit lower. -wolfprince
  • Well. BritishBunny and I will be here. And if no one else is, tuff luck on them. The t-shirts have been made and we are expecting you to pick them up in person. ;-) The BBQ is from Friday the 3rd to Sunday the 5th of September. -Rabbitt
  • burkiss- thats autofellatio or auto felatte- your spelling sucks (ducks lart) -HappyCrappy
  • burkiss- thats autofellatio or auto felatte- your spelling sucks (ducks lart) -HappyCrappy
  • Well, considering I dont do it, im not surprised that I cant spell it. And BB/Rabbit. We will be there sunday. -burrkiss
  • i have to work at 3pm monday, dunno when sunday we are planning on leaving. -rhiannon
  • When and where is this midwest BBQ? -mccallister
  • Codine? Call the doc and complain - anything less than oxycodone is a waste! or is that just for me? -Phssstpok
  • mccallister, this BBQ is in Nebraska. Kinda far for us to go. :( And Phssstpok, didn't Rush Limbagh say the same thing? -Tekkie
  • 37. Starfish ?
    Whats Gmail?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • web based email run by google. 1 gig storage space, no spam. Is -goood-!! We has it, and it is our precious! =bounds off on all fours talking tohimself= -NightRain
  • It's like a G-string, only for your mail. <g> -mousie
  • It's a very sensitive, erogenous area hidden within each e-mail you receive. If you find it, and stroke it just right, you'll add three inches to your penis. -RiffRaff
  • OK, I like mousie and riffs ideas best. -ewspy87
  • thanks guys, now me bounding away and caling it my precious takes on a whole new meaning!! =grins= -NightRain
  • BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!! Riff and Mousie, you two owe me a new keyboard! That was just too damned funny! -SwedishChef
  • Let me get this straight. A starfish was asking? It's a normal email that has a internetnetheader that begins with the string GFY12$%13. It's a technical thing. Move along. Nothing to see here. -scooby111
  • LOL mousie and Riff -THETECHFROMHELL
  • NR - I'm never accepting calls from you at night again after that comment! I don't want to know what you do with your precious..... -CommanderData
  • It's the internet G-spot. Very, very elusive to most people and is highly desired. -mccallister
  • I'm just thinking: Mousie + G-string. NO! BAD BRAIN! GET OUT OF GUTTER! (Oh, what the heck -- I'm a dirty old man.) -Captain Trips
  • I'm with Capt. Trips here... mind in gutter. Incidentally, you all might like to know, I just turned down an invite. I have no use for such a bloated acct. where I am unsure of the security and privacy. btw- have the 100 meg yahoo, its at 2% full. -HappyCrappy
  • 38. Go ahead, piss me off @ 7am
    Well its 7am in the morning, I've been up since 630 and someone knock on my door. I figure its my neighbor telling me my POS dogs somehow got out.


    I get 2 dorks in slacks and dress shirts. I'm instantly annoyed that someone would come knocking @ 7am.

    Burrkiss "What?"

    2 dorks "Are you with Jesus?"

    Burrkiss Im going to have REAL fun now "Just gimme a second" *Our hero goes into the other room, strips down to nothing, then strolls back to the front door.*

    Cue 2 dudes gasping and sputtering while running away.

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Classic. +9 LART points -modeski
  • The friend who does not listen did something similar. He could see them coming down the street, so he arranged things. He wandered out completely stripped when they knocked and said 'Come on in, we're having a party!' Just at that moment his friend in the bedroom called "Hurry up, it's your turn on top". -Gerund
  • Somthing similar a few months ago, but they were good looking ladies and pleseant to chat with. Later found out they went down the block and tried to convert my minister. -LaserGuru
  • Missionaries: "Are you with Jesus?" Answer: "Why, yes, I am, we were kinda in the middle of something, can you come back later?" -Cuedain
  • 'k if that had happened here it would have ran like this: 2 dorks: "Are you with Jesus?", Dogcow: "Why" what does he need an alibi for ?. If I'm feeling particularly sadistic they're then not allowed to leave until they've had Dogcow's patent God-Slayer Mind Fuck ©. i.e. We know that the event horizons of black holes distort space/time. Therefore all the material in the universe that falls into singularities is collecting at a single point in space/time where it eventually reaches super-critical mass and explodes forming the universe. A perfect closed loop system No deity required. Invariably at this point the smarter of the two bible thumpers will respond "Ah but that does not account for the miracle of life". He is then told that he couldn't be more wrong, since rather than just one universe there is an infinite cycle of universes, which, since each universe is infinite = an infinite cycle of infinities. (fun game for the quantum theorists: start throwing mulitverses into the mix at this point, that really fucks with their heads!) The mathematical probability of life occurring spontaneously in one universe is highly unlikely, but given that we are dealing with an infinite number of infinities, that probability ratio has to be divided by infinity squared, and thus becomes so close to a probability ratio of 1:1 as makes no statistical difference. Spontaneous life becomes a mathematical certainty, since all finite probabilities no matter how small, are eventually played out. No God required. A particularly smart bible-thumper may argue that this theory proves that eventually a universe will arise where a God creates life, but you can counter this by telling them, it also states that eventually a universe will arise where a Skateboarding Hippo in a Motley Crue T-shirt will accidentally create life, and asking him what his evidence is for believing he's in God's universe, not the Hippo's. It may be a bit more time consuming that greeting 'em at the door naked. but fundamentalist baiting is a fun sport I can highly recommend. You ain't lived till you've made a Jehovah's Witless eye's glaze over. They NEVER come back!. -Digital Dogcow
  • Sounds like a fun LART. While I am not a big fan of missionaries, I wouldn't scare em' off that bad. I do worse.. I argue my way around them if there is a chance to do so :) -Warrick
  • Jesus is not here man.. I think he said he might stop over around Noon.. -rockytech
  • Really though very nice LART.. -rockytech
  • DD your way is too much effort. Just strip and wiggle it. -burrkiss
  • I found saying " Goodie!!! The master said the sacrifice would present it's self at the proper time! Come in!" Keeps most of the 'god dealers' (Psssstt butddy, ya want to try some Salvation? The first one is free then it's tithe tithe t) away... -Oblivious
  • Your way is just dangerous though Burrkis, some of 'em might shop here: (**NSFW**) -Digital Dogcow
  • my response would of been, (at the moment 34 obvious weeks pregnant) "Well, I was. If you seem him, tell him our child needs a father!" Then I'd slam the door. -Dragones
  • I usually open the door dressed in my 'protected by witchcraft' T-Shirt and then mutter some vague pseudo-latin under my breath while staring at them then slam the door. -CommanderData
  • "Have you found Jesus Forrest?" "I didn't know I was s'posed to be lookin for 'im." -Jerbear
  • I always ask the jesus door knockers,"Why isn't there a commandment stating - Thou shalt not enslave thy fellow man?" After they sputter I inform them that slavery was common in those days. Which means their commandments were created by man only to control others. Why else make the 1st commandment,'Not to have any other god '. Then I tell them to get off my property or I'll let my dog loose on them... -Nullifidian
  • I did the same thing, but had my nuts resting on a shotgun barrel! -billybien
  • I was raised Mormon... shortly after getting married, my mom decided to give my new address to the church... shortly after that I get a knock on my door from two "Elders" in the church. I should say I haven't been religious at all for a decade... I invite them in, sit them down, then proceed to tell them a whole theory about god and existance etc... I give them biblical references to back it up, and when I'm done it's a story that is completely different than the one they preach, but backed up by the same resource they use... so then I say "Okay, when you can tell me why your theory is more correct than my theory, I'll come back to church." Their response: "But ours is true! It's not a theory!"... *sigh*... -EagleEye
  • Follow god's instructions to Noah: Genesis 9:1 "And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.". i.e. Fuck Off -madonnac
  • Oh yes... my favourite story about this came from a friend of mine in the same situation. He told the would-be bringers of eternal salvation that they had nothing in common, because he was gay, and they'd simply try to convert him anyways. One of the idiots said, "Yes, but people can change." To which my friend replied, "Yes, and when YOU do, come back then, and we'll have something in common." -teivrann
  • I'm currently going out with an ex-JW... I get to hear how much they hated going door-to-door, too. -namor
  • Do I want to know why you have that link, DD? -obie099
  • You mean you've never bought your mom a Baby Jesus Butt Plug for Xmas Obie ??? Pffffffft what kinda son are you? -Digital Dogcow
  • They knock, I open. Before they get chance to hit the GodSquad spiel I repidly inform them that I am an Atheist & that 300 years ago their sort would have merrily tied me to a stake & burnt me. Then I tell them it is payback time...this is usually followed by the rapid fucking-off of 2 missionaries from my doorstep. (It is quite a good idea to have something flammable in your hand at this juncture, just to drive the point home). -lineswine
  • speaking of being ticked off by church members, don't disrupt me during the service while I am operating the A/V equipment. Some people can't tell that I am busy changing slides as the praise band plays their music and that the job requires me to pay attention to what the band is singing. -cecil36
  • DD - That was just WAY TOO MUCH INFO (and so wrong)........ -redevil34
  • Last time the little buggers woke me up, I splashed tomato sauce all over my white shirt,went to the door with a 200 pound loaded crossbow, and a chainsaw. Never seen grown men run that fast since the olympics -LeutiusM
  • Q: Are you with Jesus? A: what's his last name? i cant remember all of them! -AmdInside
  • Had a visit from a nicely dressed older pair of JW's a couple of weeks ago. They went away when I said "Don't bother, we're Jewish." I wasn't nearly awake enough to do any baiting, alas. -pixel
  • Those who know me in person know I like to answer my door with my Glock in hand. That's all that I have to do. I was working in the yard one day when a couple of them were walking up the street. As they reached my driveway and said hello, I told them I wasn't interested but they didn't listen and kept coming. I turned around and bent over to pick up a plant I was working with, flashing the same pistol in the process. Yet again, I didn't have to say anything else, they spun a 180 and bolted. -CelticSkyhawk
  • Hey DD, you invoked the anthropic principle! </sci-LARTS DD> I understood every word of what he said, and I'm 13... is that scary or WHAT?! -Veinor
  • The Sidhe is a religion major (specialty cults, sects, and New Religious Movements) The Sidhe's ex warned them...they stayed anyways... they got quite an education on their own religion. Never came back again either. I wonder what for? -TechieSidhe
  • Smile! Cuthulu lothes you >8^) -Necros
  • I have a lot of fun with the "Witnesses", I just say one of two statements: If I'm in a hurry: "I'm Jewish", if I'm not in a hurry: "Actually, we were about to hold our virgin sacrifice to our lord and savior Lucifer, would you like us to keep your children in our prayers?" *Thank you, I'll be here all night, try the veal...* -unrenowned
  • 39. Wifey
    I'm trying to build my wife a computer for X-mas, but am recieving a lot of 'oh mine works fine' (It doesnt.)

    Hers is 4 years old, running ME. Do I need to say more? Oh, and could all of you give your opinions of ME?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I can already see a problem. I DONT want your opinions of ME, I want them of Millinimum Edition. -burrkiss
  • It's not Scottish! </snl> -StylinTechie
  • "There is <b>nothing wrong<b> with millinumin edition. It sucks just as bad as the rest." I just got this wonderful qoute from my wife. -burrkiss
  • damn burrkiss, i was ready to give my opinion of you! starting with your disturbng fixation of goatse. <bfeg> -wolfprince
  • It's all about YOU isn't it....j/k. I have a machine running ME and don't have too much trouble with it. -leonine
  • *disturbing*.....seriously though, i'm more currious as to WHY she seams to want to keep the old computer. New machine? HELL YEAH!!!!! And words cannot describe my loathing of Millinimum Edition. -wolfprince
  • This is burrkiss's wife. I want to keep my computer because everything in it is newer or better than burrkiss's. I totaled my car four years ago and made a joke with my dad that he could use the insurance moneyon a new computer for me. And he did $3,000, was the top of the line dell, monitor is still bigger than my tv. Anyway, I have no problems with it. He says he wants to upgrade so we can play new games together, well his is to old for those games too. He's just mad because mine works better than his and wants to sabotage it. -burrkiss
  • ME is like Win 98 with some extra bugs thrown in for free. -paranoidepiphan
  • Windows ME is what I call "the emperor's new operating system". M$ *claims* it's all brand-new, it doesn't have DOS... but it smells the same. I've used it intermittently through places I've worked at but have never allowed it to touch my home system. -teivrann
  • Windows ME??? You're forcing that sweet, adorable, loving wife of yours to use ME??? Hell, Win 3.11 would be an upgrade for her. Sheesh. If it's only 4 years old, the hardware is probably fine. She just needs a different OS. ANY different OS. Just my humble 2¢ worth. -RiffRaff
  • M.E. was not a good upgrade and only worked properly in my experience if loaded as a fresh full install. It does fine if you don't do anything that taxes the system. But now I'm wondering if that really was B's wife or one of his "inside the head" voices sneeking out? -MightyMouse
  • Riff, thats what I said about the OS but he said it would take to long to refind all the drivers, 1 hour. 1 hour and I can keep my comp that works or spend more than an hour to build a whole new one. HHmmm, I think he just really wants to build one. Burkiss's wife. -burrkiss
  • WinME blows donkeys with UTIs! -hkypipe
  • I'm probably the ONLY person that had a nearly completely sound, stable build of ME that I've ever known. It installed USB devices fine, I never had any issues with it at all, that weren't caused by my own starfish moments. -Dragones
  • When ME works, it works well. When it doesn't, it is a real whirling b*tch. I have worked with two ME installations; for the saga of one of them, look in the forum under "Help Me!" -- thread "What? Chazz found one he couldn't fix?" Short story: networking was so brittle that even a re & re would not bring ICS back, or (later) make it respond to ping > 73 bytes... -chazz
  • Dear burkiss's wife: Let him build it. Then when he finishes, give it back to him, and keep yours. Probably what he really wants anyway :) -MamaTech
  • Windows ME is proof that Bill Gates has a sense of humor. -Grue
  • ME works great if you nuke and pave at least every 6 months. I did it roughly every 3-4 as the mood struck. As far as the new machine, I'd want to see specs on the old box and projected specs on the new box. Hard to say if you should upgrade if we don't know what any of the parts are. :-) -Jerbear
  • ME is evil. I offer starfish with broke ME's an upgrade to 98SE! -trs998
  • so far i'm with riff and Jer, we need specs on each system, and if the current system is good, then screw it just pop on a better OS -rhiannon
  • (ME has grene hair and falls over a lot) but in all seriousness, Windows ME is pretty grim, it 's based on the 98 kernel but with a few odds and ends of 2000 thrown in. Whilst it is possible to get it going reasonably stably it appears to degenerate faster than 98SE and has no where near the stability of Windows 2000. -fearmyroot
  • My opinions of ME??? I'm an ok person... ohhh you, you're an ok person... ohhhhhhh the OS... it's Shit!!! -duckhead
  • fearmyroot, any idea why 98 looks like a mean cigarette box while all the other OSes are cute anime girls? -Tekkie
  • Go back to 98SE. Most of the drivers should be out there, and I have'nt reformatted this win98se box since CRAP!! no since 2000. -beatmewithstick
  • BTW, it is a 750 megahertz AMD Athlon 128MB, 80gb, 16mb 3dfx Voodoo3, DSL (behind dlink DI-614+), loads Norton Corporate (thanks former employer <snicker wink>), winvnc, and have 95% resource at startup. And it only takes 62 seconds from power-up to surf. -beatmewithstick
  • Stepson has ME on his. Has some odd issues, and he's not yet comfortable enough to diagnose the random DLL errors or whatnot... I also have it on my test system beside me at work, because "it's the only license we have left" <spit>. It does odd things, swaps mouse buttons constantly, and I wouldn't do it again if I could avoid it. Just re-do the frickin' thing. -namor
  • Make sure you have at least 256mb RAM, and get an OEM license of XP (if it needs to stay Windows). My experiences mirror the others; if it stays clean it can run fine, but it is more sensitive to other software not getting along with it. Besides, XP can be made to look like the previous versions. -BayouTech
  • 40. There goes the neighborhood
    New neighbors on the west. Whats the 1st thing they pull out of the 88' POS?

    A porch monkey chair.

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • ?????? -JoeLugian
  • Whats the 1st thing the wife did by the time I posted above story? Put up the drapes. -burrkiss
  • I'm sure it wasn't meant to be construed this way, but that term almost smells racist in nature... -vacuumtubes
  • Shit, and I spent so much for binoculars... -Mushroom
  • What is that exactly? Did I miss something? -TechieSidhe
  • i grew up in a neghborhood full of those, the kids down the street played rap music all weekend one time, when mom couldnt take it anymore she sent me on the front porch with my stereo and every hick country cd i own, the old guy across the street laughed so hard he almost fell out of his "porch monkey chair" when i played "lifestyles of the not so rich and famous" as loud as it would go. -rhiannon
  • What's a porch monkey chair? -namor
  • its not racist. a porch monkey chair is a old beaten up chair that a person OF WHATEVER RACE sits on for hours on end cause they have nothing better to do. IE poor/going to lower property values just by living there. -burrkiss
  • Ahhh. Kind of like the loveseat/couch on the porch of my next door neighbor. Just a place to sit, drink beer, and watch life pass you by. -scooby111
  • huh- i was wondering what a porch monkey chair was- none of the places i have every lived have i had a chair on the front porch- never saw the point really ( quiet uneventfull places - if anything happens- thats what the front window is for.) -Harm
  • I agree with Burkiss's statement. This is not a racist concept. We have portch monkies of every color and desent in our neighborhood. Our next door neighbors come to mind (classic inbred white trash...but the friendliest people you could hope to meet...) -Mathias
  • Wha? These people never heard of using an overturned 5 gallon bucket? Or turn it right side up, place a board over it, and you can drop your cigarette butts into it while sitting there scratching your balls. Now that's the redneck way! -CyBear
  • lol, I have chairs out on my front porch, mainly because it's a condo with only one door and I don't smoke in the house, and also because sometimes it's nice to sit outside and chat, or drink, or whatever. -drachen
  • My first thought: is it purple and shoving something up its (or their) um, wazoo? -valkyrja
  • Persoanlly, I prefer the plastic milk crates stolen from the rear of the local supermarket :) -Hellion
  • Persoanlly, I prefer the plastic milk crates stolen from the rear of the local supermarket :) -Hellion
  • Damn double post. Oh, and don't forget the wirespool coffee table. -Hellion
  • 41. Karma/Zen/Lifeforce whatever its funny!!
    I go to 123 Main St #12 for a non payment disconnection. This means I goto the door, try and get the $$$ or the boxes. If I get $$$ I make $15 commission. I also get $15 per box. If they are not home, OR a royal pain in the booty, then I just clip and drive off.

    I was up the 3rd flight of stairs when I noticed a credit card lying on the floor. As this was the top floor of the apt complex, it had to be 1 of 4 tenents. Fast forward to 15 seconds where I realized that THIS card belongs to MY deadbeat.

    *Knock Knock*

    Deadbeat "Yeah what?"

    Burrkiss "Im burrkiss from cable company, I need to collect blah dollars or pick up the boxes and disconnect service."

    Deadbeat "Fuck you asshole"

    Burrkiss "Fuck yourself zit faced jerkoff king, and while your doing that your doing it without cable."

    I turned around and walked outside to clip service. I ignored all his lame insults after that point. I have had the shittist day and it aint even 11am on Monday. Do you REALLY think I will take shit from a deadbeat whom I could snap like a twig? O yeah and guess what? I forgot to tell him about his credit card. I just happened into a food/bar and left it in the mens room. Oooops my bad. Karma will turn around and bite you in the ass everytime, if the only thing you are is an ass.

    Moral? Pay your bills and dont be an ass!
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Hehehe...nice. You should have used it to pay his bill, stuck it back where you found it and earned your $15 :P -modeski
  • (laughs) That'd be illegal, What Burkiss did was annoying. -Warrick
  • the BOFH rides again!!! -srteach
  • I would have put the payment on the card, then left it in the mens' room -srteach
  • Steal a car, and leave his credit card in the driver's seat. Sit in front of house waiting for cops to arrive. Hilarity ensues. -RiffRaff
  • D@mn Riff, you are bad. I suppose you could just leave it down at a house of ill repute (as if we would know where one was!). -ecoli
  • You did remember to not leave any prints ont he card right? That could end up going bad for you. All the same, super extra good LART. :-) -Jerbear
  • Ya should have chosen an adult entertainment establishment. The usual caliber of morals found in such a place are much more likely to lead to financial issues for the asshat. Plus, if he's married, or has a girl, you'll get the added bonus of the girl looking at the credit card bill and LARTing him for it. -TechieSidhe
  • Teehee. Never EVER tell the guy youowe money to to screw off, when he has the ability to cut you off of whatever. -DracoSuave
  • For some reason that reminds me of this tale... The guy hadn't pissed me off, I should say. His desk had moved from one floor to the other and he'd taken his computer with him, so the network printer settings stayed the same. Thus when he printed the text of a chat with a dominatrix -- honest to Jah, that's what it was for 2 pages plus usernamed cover page -- it came out on the printer I was pulling stuff off of. As a courtesy I took it upstairs for him. However, not knowing where he sat I left it in the breakroom. I'm sure he got it eventually. (No one knew why he was walked out of the building and the authorities 'borrowed' his computer later on though.) -Mushroom
  • I WOULD have left the card in the porn shop 'jerk booth' BUT driving a company van, that wouldnt be prudent :D -burrkiss
  • Nice one! -Hellion
  • Sweet LART.. -rockytech
  • such a nice reserved young man, politely droppping it off at the nearest covenience store. You should have driven up to the first guy you saw holding a "will work for food" sign and said here you go buddy! (good one though) -ewspy87
  • You do know that if you use it at a gas staion to fill up it doesn't ask for ID... -Starfury
  • Or drop it off at the nearest gay biker bar. -kryliss
  • 42. Gaff part 2
    Its quite an interesting feeling when you go to slam your right gaff into the pole and you miss like a virgin geek getting his 1st piece on prom night. Its kinda like "Holy shit I'm going to fucking splat into the ground like Fizban" mixed with "Can I learn how to fly in 1.5 seconds?" with a raise of the heartrate to about 250 bpm. Then as you pray that your left gaff doesn’t slip due to the 200 lbs pushing down on it, you control your bladder and go to slam the right gaff back in.

    and miss

    Now your bladder control slips a little, I wouldn’t say that I “pissed” myself, cause I checked afterwards and you cant tell from the outside, but I defiantly “leaked”.

    3rd times a charm. Ahhhhhhhh what fun, what joy. I think that they should add this option to the 6 flags amusement park . It would be more fun than a cable connection and a bottle of baby lotion.

    Friday is the 15’ test. If I don’t post after Friday, then the nurse is a little bitch that wont pull up TSC and post for me, as I probably wont due to the full body cast(et). Fuck gaffing.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Hmmm... I didn't know you were Pole-ish. <ducks a spiked-boot LART> -RiffRaff
  • That is really climbing for a laugh there Riff. I really think you went and spiked it... -rockytech
  • I wouldn't touch this story with a 15' pole -Starfury
  • No harness? No belt??? NO WAY. -Grue
  • belt yes, but if you dont have gaffs in, your going v -burrkiss
  • ain't gravity a bitch? =) -Mephiston
  • Not like Fizban, unless there's lots of feathers involved. Besides, just miss the ground when you get there. <easiest way to learn to fly> -scooby111
  • I normally wear chaps as well - that way, there's no splinters from dealing with the occasional missed strike. It's easy to stop with belt alone, when the alternative is Uncontrolled Flight Into Terrain.... -Grue
  • I like gaffing. My favorite course is Au-gaff-ta National. -Answerboy
  • So, the next posting by some phone monkey stating "field techs don't know or do $hit" will get a KING SIZED LART up their backside (the one they sit on in a nice, comfy cube all farking day). You think dealing with Lusers via the phone is hard? Try doing it when they are so close & so loud that their spit is raining onto your face whilst they rant! -lineswine
  • I learned it when i was about 15, we had to cut down a ton of trees on our farm and a bunch were next to barns and such so we had to trim and top them them before we fell them. Try climbing and using a chain saw at the same time. You get used to it after a while. -ewspy87
  • (hmmm, burrkiss in chaps. Do ya hafta wear pants with them?) -Tekkie
  • That's not flying!! That's falling...with style!</toy story> -rokitt
  • The secret to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss [/Hitchhikers Guide] -technaround
  • Reminds me of tree climbing school. We used similar gear. For the final, our instructor/partner played unconcious in the tree. We had to climb up and repel him down, alone. I failed... I gaffed the poor guy in the foot. -CyBear
  • 43. Gaff part 1
    1st let me explain to you that "Gaffing" is NOT boning a German chick named "Sonja Gaff". If it was, I would LOVE "gaffing". As it is I will NEVER gaff again in my life once I pass this fucking stupid test. Oh, what was that? You wish to know what gaffing is? Ok, let me start, hmmmmmmm with or without sarcasm? Well what do you think I'm going to do?

    Well I must admit, that the reason I have not been posting as much as usual is due to the fact that I have been in training for cable field tech for the last 3 1/2 weeks. The only time I had to post/reply is on the weekends, or until I broke down and took my desktop with me to the hotel and jury rigged a cable connection. POS hotel wiring............had to run my own personal drop to the pedastal (grin)

    Anyways, I have been learning the *cough* ART *cough* bullshit *cough* of gaffing a.k.a. telephone climbing with 2" spikes (thats like 5 cm for you blokes/blokettes) on the sides of your ankles. BUTT only 1/4" (ummmm 5 mm?) of metal actually goes into the pole. Today was the 6' test. That means you go up to 6', go around the pole clockwise, then around counter-clockwise, then come down.

    I did the best of anybody for style and grace, right up to the point where I almost swan dived right off.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • My father used to be a lineman for the city we lived in (since injured, and now reads meters). We were never allowed to play with those spikes, and he was never allowed to use them when it was sunny/dry... -snowcrash
  • 44. Cell Phone user with attitude? No?!!?!
    Me:Thank you for calling ***** this is Burrkiss speaking, how can I help you? (sounds nice and polite doesnt it?)

    Dick"Yeah I have a problem with my cable....blahblahblah (shitty cell phone).

    Me:Can I have the home phone with area code?

    319 crackle hiss dead air....52

    Me:Your cell phone broke up on me, all I got was the 319. (see I'm still polite)

    Dick:Talking to me like im a 5 year old retardThreeeeee oneeeeeeee niiiiiine....

    Me:Sir if you continue to talk to me like a retard when its your cell reception that sucks, I WILL disconnect this call. (glorious silence) Would you like to repeat that phone # now?

    The rest of the call I could tell he wanted to rip my head of and poop down my neck, BUT it seems that he got it through his Neanderthal skull that I wasnt joking.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Not at all sir. My 5-year-old would be smart enough to understand the problem is the static on your cell phone. I'm talking to you like a 2-year-old retard. Now, what's the F*CKING address again! And this time, so I can understand it over your peice of crap cell-phone! -scooby111
  • Yeah, thats better! Im calling him back.............I got a 59 error, caller in a unsupported area. Must be shitty reception. -burrkiss
  • NICE LART. I like it. -teivrann
  • Wow, you may as well have just dressed him in a pink tu-tu and branded "PWN3D" on his forehead. Kudos. -CarbonTetra
  • 45. I said SIT DOWN!!!!!
    I spent a lot of my time at my grandfathers place in Sheldahl IA. This is a dinky little piss ant town of like 100 and shrinking. Well, I had a whiner that was getting a picture that was too red on just channel 12, on 3 tv's. She was on 123 Main st in Sheldahl IA. Well I offered to roll a truck since it cant be tv related if its on 3 tv's. Then this bag-o-wind started in on "Well ever since ******* came into town and gave us cable service, the quality has been poor"

    DINGDINGDING You just pushed my button wench.

    Me" Excuse me, but I grew up in Sheldahl for the better part of the 80's, I know how bad the service was. Our service has to be at LEAST 100 times better in quality and number of channels. In all honesty I am amazed that ****** went to the capital expense to bring Sheldahl digital tv and high speed internet, as there are less than 100 people there.

    Wench"...............Your lying"

    Me {big motherfucking grin that could be heard a mile away} "You know Monnie Stauffer? He was my grandpa. I was the little bastard that come over for the summer and liked burping at full volume (good echoes out there)............Now SIT THE FUCK DOWN WOMAN!!!!

    Wench: O

    She acted like a good little woman from the 50's after that. No backtalk. No complaining.

    LART over we return you to talking with the next farking moron on the phone.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Very nice LART -rockytech
  • I have been to Sheldahl, Iowa and can confirm the description. So, Burkiss, you work for the successor of the successor of the successor of Heritage Cable? -concept14
  • Nicely done. Small towns suck. But so does the big city. So fuckit. -RiffRaff
  • damn u done good. -postal tech
  • They have TV in Iowa? -Jerbear
  • Small towns are cool. You just gotta remember to close the drapes before you beat your wife or the whole town will know about it by the end of the evening. <G> -scooby111
  • :> -RTFM
    how tough is it really to hook up a router so i can get you to internet tech support?


    computer a----------->router

    computer b-----------> router

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • ok so that's modjum-->computerA computer A-->computer B...whatsa rooter?</sfmode> -drachen
  • now when you say that the box that my tv is pluged into? -neuman1812
  • "I already did that this morning" -billybien
  • Hah. Gets harder all the time... my installation seems simple to me - modem - switch - linux router - hub - my room - and 3-4 others off the switch. We've run out of ports, so we'll be getting a bigger switch, and probably wireless for the laptop, too... <sigh> -namor
  • Actually I had a problem doing that a few weeks ago with my file server. Nuked the pnp settings off the thing and it was back and happy though. -Jerbear
  • I hate the jackasses who have this setup (and expect the cable company to support it all and neep when we refer to vendor): modem->voip->router->wap->computers. Direct connect you stupid starfish and low and behold, you have connectivity. <rant> Don't ask me to explain it when I tell you, "your router isn't asking for an address." Go hire a competent tech to set that stuff up for you. I'm not a mechanic and I don't fix my car and you're not a tech so don't dabble in the network arts </rant> -LARTprincess
  • SF: I connected the cable from the modem to the router, then connected the cables from both computers to the router. But when I turned the router on it reeled in the cables and tore them out of the modem and computers! TS: What brand is the router? SF: Black and Decker! -OgdenTechGuy
  • Ah Ogden, There we have the problem. That was no router; it was the hard drive! -Dr Jerkyl
  • 47. wow!! lazy to the max!!
    Lady just called in. Nice enough, but she asked for me to mail out a application. Talk about a lazy farker. I was of half a mind to not send it out, but she WAS nice.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • application for service or a job? -postal tech
  • MS Word ia an application... -LaserGuru
  • She asked you to mail out an application form? That is a bad/lazy thing? (Methink I've got the wrong end of the stick here) -lineswine
  • 48. Welcome to the world, im your dad.
    I could make a long detailed nine part story about the joy of childbirth, but I wont. I will give you the list of must remember items for man/woman/both.

    1. Man. Remember to tell your delivery Dr. that you do NOT want to see the palcenta (afterbirth) or you WILL be hanging over the trashcan trying not to puke.

    2. Man. While holding your wife to keep the curve in her back proper, try not to look at the size of the needle getting used for a epidural on your wife or the anathesiolgist might actually look up and say "Shit sit down!!". I guess that my lips/face were totally white and I was about to do a half gainer to the tile. I did manage to get to the chair.

    3.Woman. Get a bloody epidural. It doesnt take away any of the pain of active labor/pushing, but you have much more energy when you dont have to feel any of the contractions for ten hours.

    4. Both. If your child has 10 fingers/toes, 2 eyes/ears/balls, 1 nose/unit/bellybutton then everything is perfect. You will never feel more at peace than holding your first child for the first time.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I almost forgot. Anthony Scott Burrkiss -burrkiss
  • Congrats! Now I have an excuse to drink tonight! -pixel
  • Congrats!! I know that this is a cliche, but... Enjoy them now. They do grow up fast. -PsychoKittyB
  • I saw the epidural go in (innnnnnteresting), was offered to cut to cord, cracked a joke while doing so, and helped push out the afterbirth - some of which slopped onto the shoe-covers... I don't know why, but I don't get queasy over something like that. -namor
  • Oh, yeah, almost forgot - congratulations! Get some sleep; you'll need it. :) -namor
  • that's funny I thought the placenta was kinda cool looking, like a big bloody(and delfated if possible) water balloon. -drachen
  • My epidural, no drugs of any kind...39 hours of natural labour. For those of you who know about this I mean 39 hours straight hours of contractions 5 minutes apart up until the last 10 minutes of delivery...#2 is now due in October. -Arviragus
  • Many congrats! However, say bye-bye to sleep. If they're not getting up in the middle of the night, they are waking up before the sun (and long before any normal human being should). This usually becomes painfully obvious when you have been up late the night before playing D2:LOD or some other engrossing tech related activity. -virtualchoirboy
  • Many congratulations! -teivrann
  • Many congratulations! Fuzzyom's comment was 'I am so going to say things like - You call THAT pushing?? when we have kids'. My reply was not unless you enjoy having no gonads! Seriously though, congrats to Mrs Burrkiss and to yourself. -CommanderData
  • 36 hours of backlabor: painful. Epidural: painful at first. Being done with labor and finally getting that first Coke in nine months: frikkin' priceless, folks! :) (My kid's eight this year.) CONGRATS BURRKISS! -snowcrash
  • Congrats! Lights a cigar for you! Both of mine were natural birth in the tub. It's really neat to see the baby in the water take it's first breath whn you lift it out. I got to cut the chord for both of my children and I was the first person to hold them both. (Not including the midwife) -scooby111
  • Hey way to go burrkiss - I've got a wife that is about to pop with our son any time now. She is going to go with the natural labor though. We will see if I make it through it, I hear it is tough on the lady, and tougher on her partner. -jard
  • Congrats, Hope Mrs B is A.O.K. -RTFM
  • Many congratulations! I've heard that it's one of the singularly most amazing experiences that one can have. Mrs. soccerdude and I aren't quite ready though. *wanders off smoking virtual cigar* -soccerdude
  • I've got video of my wife having a c-section with the first one. 6 yrs and she still hasn't watched it...I saw more of my wife that day than I ever really wanted to. -Starfury
  • Congrats Burr! Good luck with the next few months :) We'll understand if you seem to "disappear" for long periods of time -ttech
  • Congrats and welcome to the club of Fatherhood ! -CSurfer
  • Good advice...I'm two and a half months into my first pregnancy and I had no idea the doctor would try to show us the placenta. I don't know that I'd have the stomach to handle that since I can't even watch cheesy horror movies without nighmares because of the gore. -csatguru
  • kongrats -DedSysOp
  • the "gore" isn't what got me... It was knowing that it came out of that wonderful woman who bore my children... Congrats, Burrkiss -srteach
  • Good onya! Congrats to you both... -hkypipe
  • Congratulations to both of'll be in awe of your wife for a loooong time to come (endurance & stamina) & she may have yet another hormone powered rollercoaster ride. Go home & be extra nice to her, she's just done something both exciting & very scary. Best of luck to all 3 of you. -lineswine
  • welcome to the [tech] world anthony!!! sweety, dont play with the starfishies - they BAD ok?:) -timelady
  • Congrats. I'll pass those tips along to my hubby for his turn in August/september. However I won't be getting an epi. One needle once in my spine was enough. Nothing sharp and metal gets near my spine EVER. -Dragones
  • Congrats to you and your wife on the new addition to your family. -stpatience
  • congrats, now comes the hard part, :) -viciousTech
  • I am very happy for you and your now extended family. I am looking forward to my first (invitro induced) child in October and will take your advice to heart. Congrats burkiss! -Gecko
  • Oh, Yes... Watching the epidural needle in the back made me want to sit down too. Unfortunately my brain didn't tell my body to sit down, it just sort of happened. You may want to learn about the "football" hold to rock your new little one to sleep at night. Good luck. -nuqlar
  • worst part with my first was the epesiotimy(spelling?) she tore bad and i was worried sick when she didn't join me and my new son for almost two hours while they stitched her up. -ewspy87
  • Arviragus - 36 hours of labor?!!! I'm surprised your spouse let you touch her let alone have another kit! Burkiss - congrats to the wife and yourself!! -ecoli
  • I meant KID, not kit. Oh well - chalk it up to too early and no caffeine. -ecoli
  • Congrats! Now comes the pain, the worries, the sleepless nights, the... that you won't ever regret that you had. My bests to Mrs B. too! -Dr Jerkyl
  • 49. BOFH Part 1
    I caught a lovely couple today. They had the same phone # at the same address. Same last name. The guy Mr H had been authorized on the womans acct Mrs H. The guy owed $300 at this address. I casually asked the guy which acct. When he said Mrs H, I asked what the relation was. "Im her boyfriend"......Yeah, same last name? You pounding your sister?I gave this to the collection dept which promptly gave it to dispatch to have a tech clip all service.

    Time from Mr H calling in to total discon? 2 hours. BITE ME FARKER!!!

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • If he is a True SF he probably IS pounding his sister -itookoverhell
  • Hey, Lineswine, do you hear what I hear? Listen carefully......Yup, banjos... -Gromit
  • 50. BOFH part 2 that makes sense this time
    Then the kicker. Mr H calls in all upset that service was disconed. He got me. {grin BOFH time} This will be as verbatim as I can make it from my notes.

    H:Yeah you guys shut off my cable

    Me: Is this Mr H?

    H: Yeah you shut of Mrs H's cable (notice the change of ownership? I did)

    Me:Yes we did. You are authorized on the account and owe for a bill at the same address. Service shall remain off till the back $300 and current charges of $200 plus reinstallation of $30 is made. Total is $530.

    H:You cant do that. Thats illegal!!!

    Me:Mr. H? Your said you were her husband correct? (1st call he said boyfriend, this call he never specified).


    Me:Spouses are liable for each others accounts per Federal law.

    H:I'm calling my lawyer

    Me:Lemme guess Tom Riley (the only lawyer in CR that is famous) is your personal lawyer on retainer?

    H: Yeah

    Me:Ok, i have his fax number in my Rolodex, I shall fax over both of these ledgers to him. Is there anything else I can do for you?

    H:.........You asshole! You fucking prick!!

    Me:Yes I am. But only to those people who attempt to scam us. Have a wonderful time reading a book. *click*

    Im beginning to enjoy this whole BOFH thing.....a LOT {BOFH grin}
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Thanks, for a minute there I thought something was wrong with me... -hkypipe
  • That had to be a very satisfying moment. The closest we get to that here is telling customers that they can't connect because the account shows a 'non-pay disconnect'. I envy you. -helldesk
  • That must have been a close second to sex, -ani-faction-wise -srteach
  • DOH...satisyfaction-wise -srteach
  • "H:.........You asshole! You fucking prick!!" In the flesh, on the phone and in your account, rofl. What a great LART -leonine
  • 51. Business or Residance?
    Lady calls in all huffy that her cable service doesnt work. Lady"I have a business to run here! I need the internet to work"

    Me: "Ma'am I have you down for a residental service. Please dont tell me you have a business running on a residental rate"

    Lady "Look I need to take care of my businness!! I need to get this fixed fast"

    Me: I will have to charge you $100 per month if you have a business service.

    Lady "This is intolerable! My business is very important! I demand a tech out here now!!!

    Side note. I tried to be nice, but what does it EVER get? *sigh*......Me: Ok ma'am since you didnt listen to me very well, I am now changing this to a business acct. Your monthly charges have changed from $45 to $100. The reason your service isnt working is that there is a outage in your area affecting everyone."

    Lady "You have no right to change my service!! You just dont---"

    Me"Yes I do. I warned you 3 times not to tell me you have a business account running on a residental rate. You didnt listen to me. Now I have changed the service and price."

    Lady "Im going to go with Qwest then!"

    Me: Ok, I shall call Dave over in commercial accts in Qwest and let him know to keep a eye on this address. Qwest has business rates similar to ours, but their service is slower. Dave's # is 515-111-1111 x 314 (I made all that up about Qwest [grin])


    Me:You should have listened better. Service should be fixed in a few hours. Have a nice day. *click*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Ohhh, the beauty. *bows to burrkiss* You rock <eg> -teivrann
  • My personal favorite for those people "Actually 'running a business' as you put it, on a residential access account is a violation of our terms of service. I'm going to need to terminate your account." That usually makes something pop. Your solution is definately a good read. :-) -Jerbear
  • Damn, that's gonna leave a mark. <G> -RiffRaff
  • Swing LARTer, LARTer! POW! Over the fence! SCORE! -TechnoVampire
  • Very nice lart! *grins* That makes my day. -ShiftedBeef
  • Dude, you have now officially become my new hero. -phsspok
  • :: Stares in Awe :: Begins Bowing -wazntme
  • I'm not worthy!!!! *bows* -leonine
  • i bow down to u -postal tech
  • Dude! <Throws Burkiss a Cuban Cigar> -RTFM
  • *evil laugh* That rocks!!!! -redevil34
  • 52. Overload of drug
    I had a nice lunch with my friend that I have not seen in a while (like you all care). Now I dont usually drink pop at all, but I got the "Friggin Huge" size with the 46 oz glass. I filled that bad-boy up twice while there, then walking out the door, filled it back up. By the time I got to work, it was empty again. Thats 138 oz of caffine supercharged liquid energy in my veins. I must say that I have never a rush quite like that. I felt like I snorted 1 kilo of cocaine.

    I have no idea how you all live on that crap but JESUS!!!! I was like a twitchin and a shakin like a junkie stranded on a desert island. I was a giddy as a schoolboy trying to get his 1st piece of pie. YIPES!!!
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I am also not a heavy caffeine user. I have maybe a can or so of pop a week. And I notice when I do because I start buzzing big time. -teivrann
  • That explains the 187 burrkiss posts in a row. -Fuji
  • So far today, half a pot of coffee, 1.5 liters of pepsi, enough chocolate carmel kisses to kill a mule. /twitch -Jerbear
  • You know you drink too much Pepsi when your urine comes out carbonated. <eg> -RiffRaff
  • Caffeine doesn't seem to have any effect on me. I can drink a huge mug of coffee or a six pack of DP and go take a nap. -LaserGuru
  • It takes 1 liter of diet pepsi and a candy bar to even get me going in the morning. -scooby111
  • try 6 20oz Jolt colas in about 2 hours -SGTARKyTEK
  • Damn I wish we had Jolt Cola around here. I have not had that since college. In the Student Govt Building, we got the soda vendor to put it in the soda machine. Mmmmm! All night study sessions in the Student Council Room! -CyBear
  • Jolt's hard to find around here but Buzz water is now available. It says on the label not to consume more than 4 bottles per day and a friend of mine downed for bottles in 20 minutes. It was like someone wound him up way to tight. Funny at first but very quickly annoying LOL -frprinterwiz
  • I've started searching out drinks with guarana in them - several times more potent than caffeine, apparently, and they don't fall under the same laws in Canada, so it's easier to get in some ways. -namor
  • I'd like to see what happened when the caffiene/sugar rush wears off. Probably like a kids toy with the batteries quickly failing. -Starfury
  • a case of red bulls with 2 turkish coffees when I was in Europe 6 years ago :). -Bunglehawk069
  • Red Bull is an energy drink for those wondering. So far tonight, done my 2L of pepsi and on my 4th tea -Bunglehawk069
  • There is no such thing as too much tea....even when you are sweating neat earl grey out of yer pores. -CommanderData
  • ah i miss soda.. ever since I started having panic attacks even caffeene free messes with me -kmonson
  • Pepsi /twitch/ doesn't affect /twitch/ me /twitch/ like it /twitch/ used to -srteach
  • It's 10AM and I have already finished the first of several 2Liter bottles of carbonated caffeine goodness. I need to find a more efficient way of getting caffeine and sugar directly into the bloodstream! <hooks caffeine/sugar IV drip into vein> -ecoli
  • a standard line w/ my callers - 'maam that computer is running slower than i do 1st thing in the morning w/o my coffee.' i go thru about 6-8 cups a day and 4-6 cans of dt coke. -omegawolf
  • 12oz cup of coffee every 30-45 minutes from 0600-1700, & 6-pack of Code Red (M.D.) from 1700-2300. Out cold by 2315. I once quit cold-turkey & slept for 3 days (with 3 or 4hr periods of alertness). -Beeker
  • RiffRaff: Ohh! Tingly!! :P -Mephiston
  • 53. Lose=Gain
    My work is doing a weightloss program where you get gift certificates for the inches/pounds that you lose. 80% of my coworkers are overweight so this is actually a very nice, company sponsered program. I dont particularly gain diddly from this deal. Im lean and mean....well mean and 95% lean.

    Mrs. S asked me where my "Lose to Gain" program was. I told her "in the trash, I dont need to lose anything, so I cant play"

    Mrs S: "But you can goto the gym and add inches that should be just as good! You want to add inches dont you? You would enjoy the extra inches.

    Upon that last comment Mrs S got a interesting Spocklike one eyebrow raise and a comment of "You sound like spam. I dont WANT extra inches and I DONT need to ejaculate more! Thank you very much!

    Cue gales of laughter from my half of the cube farm and Mrs S who almost pee herself laughing.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I'd like the spam eggs, eggs and spam... -Hellion
  • LOL. A wieghtloss program is needed here. There all fat... I however, am 150lbs of bone :/ -MrThou
  • I love it! -teivrann
  • Hey, at least she could take a joke -DreadPirate
  • Spam spam spam spam, Spam spam spam spam, Spamity Spam..... I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!! </Monty Python Skit> -duckhead
  • depends on the program. There are a very high percentage of fatties here too (myself included) and about half of them are on that rediculous Atkins diet. Guess what....yep still fat! -leonine
  • i sit on my ass at work and at school for a total of about 12hrs/day. i make it a point to bike to the beach, swim, then continue biking for a total of about 30miles at least 3 times a wk. after the first 5 miles you kinda get in a 'zone'. endorphine high anyone? it also keeps me away from cigarettes -omegawolf
  • 54. Junk
    I look over today at my neighbor, a 50 year old woman who is kneeling under her desk. Its unique enough that I have to ask "whatcha doin'?"

    50:"Putting the fan on the floor to keep me cool"

    ME:ooook it is hot in here but wtf? why the floor? whatever

    Fast forward to 5 minutes later.....................Zoooooooooooooom.

    50:"Ahhhhhhhh that cools off the junk"

    SLAMSLAMSLAM.....I slam my head into the table to try and get the visual out of my head. I never though people could be more fucked up than me, but live and learn, live and learn.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • LMAO@Burrkiss. By the way what was she really trying to cool down? Or is that too sick to think about? -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Somebody having hot flashes? -Tekkie
  • Well, since Hot air rises, and cool air sinks, a Fan on the floor pointed up is a good idea. But the JUNK comment would have made me vomit on her. Purposefully. -Bobsentme
  • Tekkie I didnt ask. I dont wanna know. I can give you her # is your REALLY curious. <grin> -burrkiss
  • <sniff> What's that smell? -RiffRaff
  • 0.0 im blind.... -MrThou
  • Ewwww! <Throws a dead fish at Riff> Ya just had to say it didn't ya? -Hellion
  • Wow. (chortle, chortle, snort!) -ThreeBucks
  • *falls off chair laughing at the sound of skin flapping in the breeze* -teivrann
  • Tekkie- Real women have power surges. -LaserGuru
  • LG, I am a real woman. Since I'm also a tech, I have a surge suppressor. ;) -Tekkie
  • Midol? -namor
  • I'm sorry; yes, I should be shot. :) -namor
  • BLAMBLAMBLAM <wipes the gook outta his eyes and off face from the splatter tech> Any other requests? -burrkiss
  • I should be given a million dollars... ;-) -OgdenTechGuy
  • gives a whole new meaning to "causing a bad atmosphere" -strider
  • *wipes puke off monitor* ....TMI!!!! -leonine
  • Shame on you all... Just because the poor woman was trying to cool the (w)hole of her body -Zoomer
  • 55. The whole class dont know.
    I was walking to the bathroom earlier today, and walked past the high speed training room and overheard the instructor ask the class "What type of slot do you put the NIC card in for a MAC? ISA, PCI, or (I assume a mac slot, im mactarded)."

    Bright student #1 said "(mac slot)"

    Teacher"Not the right answer"

    Bright student #2 "PCI"

    Teacher "Nope, and im disappointed in you all"

    I poked my head in and said " First you dont install anything without finding out if its in warranty or not, and 2nd you dont install anything on a MAC. Can I have my diploma now?"

    The teacher turned around and addresses the class "I should flunk the lot of you. This CSR knows more than the lot of you. Baldy, you want a job?"

    Baldy:I already got my trans feer papers in 3 weeks ago.

    Teacher: Good, if they need room I can make it here. *glares at the class*

    *Baldy quietly disappears and hopes his car doesnt get keyed*

    These are our new HSD techs? *sigh*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Duuuude. That hurts the head. Seriously. -snowcrash
  • The "mac slot" you're refering to would probably be nubus. Your answer was however correct. If it doesn't already have ethernet it's not going to get it. -Jerbear
  • im pretty sure all macs have a ethernet card in them. i love questions like that. ( thanks the heavens i grew up with both Pc's and macs.) -Harm
  • Um, sorry guys, but I just installed a NIC in Magenta's PowerPC a few months ago so she could access my router, and it went into a standard PCI slot. -RiffRaff
  • I'll second RiffRaff. My wife's Performa 4400 didn't have an Ethernet port - so I added a standard RealTek NIC to it. No huhu. BTW -THAT Mac was PCI. My wife's school's Mac 520s get PDS NICs. The older Macs got NuBus cards. -ralphp1024
  • Then there's the USB to Ethernet dongles. Macs support USB well, and there's got to be more than one that has Mac drivers. (Of course, every Mac that left the factory with USB also left with Ethernet, but sometimes the built-in NIC dies.) -EvilOtto
  • I'd have said PCI personally. Whilst yes most Macs come with a on-board NIC you could be trying to add a 1000Base card... or using the mac as a software router/firewall. My old Duo 280c's dock didn't have a NIC so I added a NuBus one... I'd have flunked whomever said you don't install a NIC on a Mac... sorry. -fearmyroot
  • He didn't they you don't install a NIC, he said they don't install _anything_. Probably no Mac support? -Coward
  • True. We will only add a NIC card to a desktop pc out-of-warranty. -burrkiss
  • 56. 420
    I was doing a verify service for a sub (house not in system so send out a tech physically). I got the address as 123 north long st. I looked for this address in the system, no go. Gave to my supe to find something. She found 123 north lawn st. I called the guy back and verifed the address. "Is that 123 north long st. Like long/short. or is it lawn, like lawn/turf/grass.
    Other guy:"Heh grass you said grass"

    Me:Yup, did you want the installation on 420?

    Other guy:BUHAHahahaha 420? Sure. That would be fine.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Are you installing in a van parked in front of a mini-mart? Sounds like his brain may be permanently fogged. -scooby111
  • Oh! I loooove feild techs. argh! (I'm assuming feild tech said that...) -Zentar
  • I'm a starfish, I mis-read it. *ducks larts* -Zentar
  • Did you tell him his computer was too baked and needed to be put in detox? -Jerbear
  • I'm so wasted man</Jeff Spicoli> -virtualchoirboy
  • Heh, that's funny... Wait, what were we talking about again? Ooh, a rubik's cube! </stoner humor> -EvilOtto
  • After visiting tshirthell... -virtualchoirboy
  • IV:XX? Shouldn't that be VI:IX er? -robbor
  • 57. McLart
    I had the joy of going to the McGhetto store for a burger. I never go there due to the smell/clientell. But I did yesterday, and I'm glad.

    I was 3rd in line and the 1st guy in line was a jackass. Couldnt make up his mind. The manager after about 3 minutes was giving this waste of flesh the blatant evil eye/frown and toe tapping. Finally the king of the dumb-dums decides and gets out of the way.

    Guy in front of me takes only 1 minute, then I step up to the plate. McMoron budges and starts complaining and whining about the fries he didnt get. Finally the manager rips the receipt of of his hands, looks at it for .14 seconds, turns the reciept around and says in the most condensending voice I have ever heard.
    "There is no fries on the reciept. I dont see any charge, do you? No you dont cause it aint there. You want fries? Pay for them.

    Thats my cue. I step back up and accidently shoulder slam him right when he starts whining/bitching again. I plop $2 on the counter and ask for a large fry. I came in for a burger but just wanted to enjoy my lunch. Manager ignored the whiner, gave me my fries. I looked to the "I want my fries NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!" guy, licked the fries and offered them to him. He began to stutter and curse and clench his fists.

    I walked of eating the fries, then halfway to the door, I commented to myself REALLY loudly "Damn!!! These are good fries"

    I could here the manager and about half a dozen other laughing as I left. I went to the drivethru and got a burger and a shake and enjoyed my day.

    God that felt SOoooooooooo friggen good to blast a asshold customer.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <wipes away a tear> *sniff* Call me a sentimental bastard, but when I see something this beautiful, I get all choked up. -soccerdude
  • Wooooo! -flare
  • I knew there was a reason I liked you. Job well done! -RiffRaff
  • I would 've decked him as soon as the fists clenched. Self defence...DE-FENS!</falling down> -billybien
  • Nice Job!! You got to shoulder check someone in public?!?! I usually only get to do that on the ice. I'm jelious. -leonine
  • If I were the manager, I'd have given you your burger and shake for free. -Bobsentme
  • Well done!! I'm proud of you! -ltu1542hvy
  • From a former McSlave, GREAT WORK!!! -TheSingingTech
  • Hahahahaha! I love it man... that is so perfect. -teivrann
  • Just be careful administering verbal LARTs in person. You never know when someone will pull out a bigger LART. -scooby111
  • Sweet work, Burrkiss man :) I really miss fries... (whimpers, growling at the Atkins and similar low carb diets) -Warrick
  • Licking the fries was the *perfect* touch...I'm surprised the SF's head didn't implode (couldn't explode, nothing in it to blow it out) <grin> -CTYankee
  • Damn Burrkiss, you should give LARTing lessons. -CyBear
  • What is the chance this waste of human flesh will end up calling YOIU for tech support in the next few days? (Asd if you could tell this particular dumbass from the the other legions of morons with PCs). -lineswine
  • 58. Best OT ever part 2
    At this point I was figuring out the best place to take a emergancy dump. The back of the building with a few bushes seemed the best deal. I tried one last time at the 1st floor bathroom, since I had to walk past it anyways. SUCCESS!!! The can was open. I realised the demon. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I turned around after giving birth before my wife and marveled at the creation of mine. That was a 4 foot grogan!!! If I had my digital camera I would have taken a picture.

    Time now? 845am. I get paid $16 per hour OT, I spend 15 minutes taking a dump. Thats $4 to take the dump. I got paid $1 per foot of my demon seed.

    Now, THATS getting overtime
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Methinks your colon has been being used for Entrances as well as exits in order to create that monsterous release. -Bobsentme
  • Three words, Burkiss: T... M... I... <walks off to find a blade suitable for hari kari> -RiffRaff
  • Holy shit! -DarthLuke
  • That's about as close as you can get to the "more-than-we-need-to-know" category without actually stepping over (into) it. </opens window, checks bottom of shoes> -Skylark
  • Man I'm sorry, that stinks. -MightyMouse
  • Great! Just Great! Now I have to take a shit -GibbDaddy
  • Dude, i knew you were full of it ;> -RTFM
  • That's the funniest, goddamn thing I've read in a loooong time!!!!!!!!!! Didja have to double flush??? -dobbin
  • BURKISS!!!!!! If I was your mamma I'd bitch-slap you right about now. <walks away to find Riff & make sure none of it has rubbed off on him...he was all nice & clean this morning.> -Magenta
  • I was out at NTC (ft irwin, ca) and had been eating mre's for about two weeks straight, our team didn't get many hots, and had gone three days without going. Let say i had to dig a very deep hole. -ewspy87
  • Ahhh... The last time I went to NTC someone set me on fire. -LaserGuru
  • Jeez, how much macaroni and cheese had you eaten in the past week? -concept14
  • Hmmm, that used to happen when we were out on exercise - 3 days on 1 man ration (RAT) pack would bung you up but good. (Current consensus was that they were made that way, as it meant no having to nip off into the bushes when yo9u were supposed to be knocking 7 bells out of the enemy). On the fourth day however....the question was did the bottom fall out of your world, or the world fall out of your bottom? -lineswine
  • Now I know we cleared up the fact that no way could you be working here, but I'm convinced your twin does. -K1W1
  • The washrooms here have been busted all afternoon and it'll be 30 min before I can go to the can!! 8-/ -TechOgre
  • 59. Best OT ever part 1
    So I come in on Friday, my day off to give my co-workers some training on a new program. I get OT for this so I dont mind one bit. I roll in @ 8am yawn for a bit, strech for a bit to wake up, then start training others after. Im working with the 2nd person and my tummy starts to grind and churn. I let a pea sized fart out and then noticed it smelled REALLY bad. Kept working, then more churning Im in trouble now, gotta find the head. I finish up with the 2nd training, the goto the can. This is about 830am, aparrently someone else had to take their morning poo also, as the stall was occupied. GRUMBLE

    I went up to the 2nd floor to the alternate bathroom and opened the door. I was hit with the realization that someone was in there taking care of some tummy problems of their own. A courtsey flush would have been nice Woof I walked back down to the 1st floor while something tried to give birth out my cornhole. I was praying that the person would be done. Opened the door, and turned right back around to try the 2nd floor again. No such luck with vacancy and no such luck with colon clenzer giving the courtesy flush either *Oooof*.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • So you wasted yer best ones on the BathRoom? You couldnt Kazaa them to a Starfish? -satanstech
  • Reminds me of the other building we were in. Any time you would go in there it smelt like a sewar hole. Soooooooo nasty! -rockytech
  • 60. Friendship Prayer BOFH style
    I just got the best "Friendship Prayer" on my desk today.

    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch...
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • {{copies, pastes, prints, and posts by computer}} -mousie
  • {{scratches out above comment}} {{leaves on desk of co-worker}} -mousie
  • A friend of mine has that as his email sig. Of course, he's a contractor in Iraq, so maybe he heard someone actually use it. -ScarletPimp
  • "May your balls turn square & fester at the corners" -lineswine
  • *ouch*!?!?!? where do you come up with stuff like that??????? -obie099
  • I don't know, lineswine doesn't HAVE any balls... j/k! -Veinor
  • 61. OOooops
    Im just sitting in my desk, minding my own business, when my coworker ask "Did any of you use the chocolate Easter eggsas lipstick?"

    I turned around with a look of pure "WTF is wrong with you?"

    I ingored anything that she said, I ignored the "How about the candy lips? How about the candy cigarrettes?" Now there is a cute little bunch o women behind me talking about candy of the old days when someone asks about the "Papers with the dots on it?"

    ME:"Acid?", THEN turnaround, yeah, one of the new people was the District Customer Service Manager, who replied with a nice laugh "Wanna take a drug test?"

    ME:Sure I'll pass

    District Manager: "Just kidding,the drug test doesnt detect LSD"

    ME:I know *grin*

    Ring Ring "Burrkiss speaking how can I help you............
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Tech Support here, I can't feel my face, my teeth itch and the leprechauns are pissing on meeee..... -vacuumtubes
  • The machine tools are screaming at me and the capybara won't leave me alone! -teivrann
  • FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! the StarFish are attacking the purple elephant!.. umm i mean this is tech support.. help me!! -Harm
  • And the stoplight just yelled at me to slow down and when I didnt trees started to chase me... -IseeIDIOTS
  • Gibble gobble gooble </Ned Flanders on "special" vegetable juice> -billybien
  • drug tests don't detect LDS? damnit why don't they tell you these things in school...(pulls out a book of "stamps") -drachen
  • Actually, if I remember correctly, a spinal tap is the only method of detecting LSD in the body. -RiffRaff
  • It is. -burrkiss
  • Whoa. I've learned WAY too much from this post. -Bobsentme
  • I don't remember this stuff form "Go Ask Alice" -K1W1
  • Never had the nerve to try. Does that make me a coward, smart, both or neither? -CTYankee
  • Sorry, Riff and Burrkiss, but there is another test for LSD. It is the "hair test" -- which can detect as far back as your oldest hairs. Yes, LSD (and most other drugs) DO leave detectable traces in your hair. (And, no, I am not just saying this because of the date. It's true.) -Captain Trips
  • Oh, and I'm not cutting my hair just to have a job. It's been growing for 10 years, not gonna stop now. And if they want to judge me on what I do on my own time instead of on my work quality, I probably wouldn't want to work for them anyway. -Captain Trips
  • Drachen - to test for LDS, listen hard:- if you can hear the Mormon Tabernacle choir it IS LDS! <grin> -lineswine
  • LDS - the well-known hallucinogenic for dyslexics! -Gromit
  • So I walked into this bar and sat down and on the seat near me is a duck. I said to the bartender, there's a duck on this seat. So the bartender says, "get the duck out of here!" So I left. Some people! -robbor
  • 62. I love a good stiff accent
    Guess by the case notes what accent it is.


    So, CD whatcha doing this summer? Coming to Indy for the BBQ? *winkwink, nudgenudge knowwhatimean?*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I'm gonna have to shape my hamburgers into starfish when I grill 'em. Seems only natural. <g> -RiffRaff
  • I love that accent especially with the right voice behind it. Makes my day every time :) -DarthLuke
  • SAY NO MORE! -Bioguy
  • 63. Take my passcode
    Me:Well if all your websites work except you msn acct, then its probably the site itself. Whats the web address and I can check.

    EU:You want my password and logon?

    ME:NO!! I just want the web address

    EU: Ok, lemme find that


    EU:Ok, my logon is...

    ME:NO!!! Just the web address, like

    EU: OK. and my logon is....

    ME: NO!!!!! LOGON!!!!!! It seems to be down it should be working later.

    *sigh* Some people have a hard time understanding security.

    And I dont work for MSN or anything of the like....hell I aint even tech support, just cable TV
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Damn, BK, you're getting all the winners tonight. <Yells to everyone else> Hey! Who pissed off the tech gods and told them they were Burrkiss? Huh? C'mon, fess up! -RiffRaff
  • Gee Burrkiss, when did you put the "I love dealing with knobheads" hat on? -lineswine
  • I would have taken the logon and password and had some fun once the site was back up. :p -SwedishChef
  • Riff- alright, I admit it! It was DracoSuave! <ducks flying lart from fomer cubemate> -Bynar
  • Haven't done it, but I imagine that at least 10% of our accounts have a corosponding yahoo, AIM, or MSN account with the same un/pass. -Phssstpok
  • 64. For the love of Al...Al Zheimer
    Burrkiss:Thank you for calling blahblahblah

    Little old lady (LOL):Yeaaaahhhh Iiiiii Neeeeed to ccchheeccck

    Burrkiss:(takes a nap while she spits it out) "Ok lets check the tv, what channel is it on?"

    LOL fumbles around in the background for a good 5 minutes whilst Sir Burrkiss stares @ the insides of his eyelids...LOL finally picks up the phone again "Who are you?"

    Burrkiss:Why Im Sir Burrkiss of Cable Kingdom!!! I'm here to help you get your digital cable working!!! Whilst thou present thyself to my whim? I challange thee to harken to my wise words and get thine picture tube resurrected

    LOL"I dont know you, who are you?"

    Burrkiss screw this im going to have fun Im from Pizza Hut, did you order the Large with double anchovies?

    LOL:No *click*


    Burrkiss is in serious need of sleep
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • You didn't? -RiffRaff
  • That pizza - can I have it with olives please? -lineswine
  • I did the Pizza Hut thing. I just turned the 1st "who are you" into archaic speach. -burrkiss
  • BWAHAHAHAHA!! -DarthLuke
  • You are my new hero! -discordkitty
  • Nice one! <adds burrkiss to 'definitely do not piss off' list> -Gromit
  • Oh yeah, nice one Burrkiss - you da man. -CommanderData
  • <add burkiss to 'no beans for breakfast' list> -LaserGuru
  • <applauds Burkiss> Ow! Ow! Claws are murder on the pads when you clap. -sassicatz
  • Yeah, but who are you? <ducks incoming LARTS and runs away laughing> -kman52000
  • Yeah, but who are you? <ducks incoming LARTS and runs away laughing> -kman52000
  • 65. Good Customer Service
    Who out there has a name of a company that they would like to say kicks a$$ for customer service? If you feel like it, give the phone # out, as some of us might be looking for a good mortgage company/auto shop/computer help desk etc. I would like to 1st say that Gateway Mortgage is A+. Brian has worked hard to get me the best loan for over a month, and even through problems (not on his end) keeps trying to get the deal through. Two other companies have just bailed at the first hint of problems, but not Brian from Gateway Mortgage @ 1-866-740-5363 x 324
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Nygaard's Service Center in Indianapolis. The weel before Magenta and I were to leave for NYC to get married, we took her car in to have the front axles replaced. Was supposed to be a one-day job, but he ran into parts problems. Long story short, he came in and worked on our car not only on Saturday, but also on Sunday, so that it would be ready for us to leave. And the total cost still came in less than what he quoted me. I know very few people here will ever use this info, but if you're in Indianapolis, and you have car trouble, that's the shop you want. -RiffRaff
  • Rogers has been great for me... both on my cell and on my internet. I know some people have had horror stories with them, but I've never had a problem. Think that's because I do a job where I put up with the same class of idiot they do all day (and NO, I can't tell where I work). -GeekGirl
  • Had to RMA my first 30GB HD with Maxtor, once. Found out it was a publicizied issue - motherboards that can't handle UDMA 66 will nevertheless detect the HD as such, and the discrepancy will slowly kill the drive, with strange symptoms. I got through to their customer service easily, got the information easily and well... sent in the drive myself for minimal charge (I expected that - didn't use FedEx, but normal package mail, even) and got a new drive back a week later, which has been good since... called their support after hooking it up because off odd things in their diagnostic software, the Tier1 went through some things quickly with me: "Did that... and that... and that..." Him: "Okay, let me get your one of our Tier 2 agents..." Guy was on the line in a couple of seconds. I didn't really touch it after that. -namor
  • For those fortunate enough to be eligible, USAA has been a GREAT insurance company. Now have auto, personal property and homeowners insurance through them. Rates are great, side benefits are pretty good and am always able to get CS on the phone. Only drawback is that it is limited to military officers and their families (I think - got in through my dad; Annapolis/Vietnam graduate). Even get a refund on my auto insurance if it's been a good year (low losses). -virtualchoirboy
  • Sorry, forgot to mention what side benefits are. They are into banking as well, so you can bank/invest through them, membership gets you discounts similar to AAA discounts (i.e. 10% off Jiffy Lube, etc). -virtualchoirboy
  • virtualchoirboy, they now offer to enlisted folks, i got mine because my wifes dad was a warrant officer. Theyt also offer to any veteran. They are great i even got my mortgage through them. Like you said always a person available and they really go out of their way to take care of you. -ewspy87
  • My BEST experience with any form of technical or customer support was a very long time ago... Microprose. After 5 years my F-19 Stealth Fighter disks went up the creak, at the time I called them and they mailed me a brand new set of disks... and I do mean brand new! I was impressed. -fearmyroot
  • Forgot to add, of course Microprose no longer exist :-( Where did all the good game companies go? -fearmyroot
  • I would agree with above statement of maxtor.. All my drives are maxtor due to the one call I had to make to RMA my maxtor drive..during the troubleshooting the tech taught me alot about HDs I never knew what the DMA numbers meant until then -kmonson
  • Enterprise Rent-A-Car will go above and beyond to make the customer happy... -TechZilla
  • I've had good experiences with both and -Galin
  • Black Box (, helped me make a v.35 cable for a network bridge) and the old WordPerfect tech support (don't know if it still exists since WP was bought out years ago) -VIPERsssss
  • With I had a good experience but odd, their order status page didn't update till AFTER my stuff had already arrived at my house, but it got to me so quickly I was beyond caring. Othwerwise very good and a place I will shop again. -DarthLuke
  • 66. Poor Customer Service
    Who out would like to send a warning of poor customer service? If a company is listed that you work for, just rememeber its not a attack personally. As you all know American Family Insurance is a money stealing-lying bag of pond scum. I have also had a terrible experience trying to get HP to take their 310n back after shorting out after 1 month of ownership. Others please feel free to save the rest of us from getting into the wrong company.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Telus, if you're in canada, has support that is ass. My exroommate had to call in for four months to get a billing error fixed that they admitted was an error completely in their organization after repeatedly failing to recieve faxed proof from banks and otherwise that they received payment... after the auto-debitted his bank account for it, AND failed to provide a record of their previous auto-debit. Combined with two hour hold times AND multiple escalations per day you have crappy call center quality. Punch line? This isn't even outsourced support. -DracoSuave
  • Agree with Draco...Telus licks goat balls. I once had my new phone line hooked up for me when I moved to Calgary, and promptly got a bill for $350.00 for installation. Um.......pardon? The guy installed my phone line...he didn't do a strip tease for me. (And if he did....yuck. He wasn't the best to look at.) -angrytechgirl
  • Dell phone sales for small/medium business: We recently had to purchase a rack server for resale according to customer specs (they wanted Dell). We called the sales toll-free number and got "Bruce" with a light Indian accent and a light but incredibly fake/forced conversation. Each question took at least 3-5 minutes on hold to get a less than satisfactory answer. After about a dozen of these, we gave up and said "don't call us, we'll call you". He has called back 4 times since trying to force the sale while we try to get the customer to change their specs. Long and short of it: unless you are big business (>400 employess) or government, either be happy with the Dell web site or don't buy Dell. -virtualchoirboy
  • Most places suck ass on Customer Service now. Creative has the cake for me... wanted me to send my defunct (not even reading a disc) DVDROM to them with $45 bucks (US) so they could figure out what was wrong with it... um... ok... and it took them a WEEK to get THAT response. Of course, my work holds me to higher standards. -GeekGirl
  • Ok, Dell tier one (of course) and then the flks who laid me off. That would be: Datastream systems Inc. and also Royal SunAlliance insurance. The second one won't exist by the end of summer any way. -ewspy87
  • Once again Dell must be mentioned. Phoning for support on a brand new server, I think there was a typo in "David"s (with the light indian accent and forced conversation) script as he asked for the asstet tag five times in a row each time reading it back to me correctly. -fearmyroot
  • Yes telus oes suck the bagzor. however, whenever ive had to call them (after waiting on hold for 2 hours) I was very polite and ALWAYS got exactly what i needed from agents who were compitent and nice. This applies both to ADSL and the phone support crew. -putahtek
  • CCC. They write software for assigning jobs to appraisers for auto insurance companies. They know nothing about their own products, like what error messages mean, and (this is more personal) don't believe a girl can be a tech. I once wasted 8 hours on the phone with them (many more hours on other incidents), and ended up figuring out the problem myself. It was caused by me following the directions one of their techs gave me. He told me to delete all the files in a particular directory, then reinstall. Seems logical enough, except that the install didn't put back all the files that were deleted, and printing would no longer work. Once I figured out what was wrong and put back the file, everything was fine. I quit calling them. -sassicatz
  • 67. American Family Insurance Part2
    Ahhh, does everybody remember my customer service warning for American Family Insurance? Yeah, the LOVELY folks over @ AFI "accidently" withdrew my $40 payment twice....The $40 that I didnt even owe in the first place.

    Well, I never got around to sending a copy of the previous story that 1000+ of you read to AFI, but I can assure you that I shall now bend over backwards to shout at the top of my lungs in every crowded store that AFI is a bunch of lying-money stealing-smegma encrusted JERKS

    I would just like to know who here hears my call to never give any of our services or money to AFI?

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • No funds of mine will ever reach their sticky little fingers, I with you burrkiss -jard
  • They shalt never see a single, solitary, green-encrusted-because-it-came-out-of-the-mall-fountain penny touch their coffers. (is that sincere enough for you?) -Answerboy
  • Id rather invest in jack-o-lanterns in early october and sell just after february. -CyberGrandma
  • Not only will MY money never go there, but because I printed the story and showed it to the inlaws, they changed their minds and went with a different company. -Bobsentme
  • Let them try to get mine... canadian $$ would cause em to loss money.... -Death
  • If I hear of anyone planning insurance scams, I'll know what insurance company to recommend. Honestly, I would file a complaint with the BBB if you don't get a speedy resolution. -virtualchoirboy
  • If they're not a BBB member, don't bother with the BBB. Just file a lawsuit. -OgdenTechGuy
  • If you are in California, the state's Commisioner of Insurance takes a very dim view to insurance companies that pull shit like this. -Captain Trips
  • given that they don't exist in Canada, afaik, it shouldn't be difficult for me. :) -Bynar
  • 68. You called my why?
    This is the case notes on this dudes acct.

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • well last night i was watching bbc america at a friends house and the info page said Black Adder II the actual show was some talktalkshow </devil's advocate> -DedSysOp
  • Last night I was at my house watching BBCA- the info said Monty Python, but what was really playing was Monty Python. -LaserGuru
  • 69. Whats wrong with this story?
    My dad is in the hospital for a ruptured gallbladder getting surgery. It is quite possible that he wont come back (he's fine now btw). My wife asks me for a good book to read, as we will be in the waiting room for a while. I tell her and we go out and buy another copy (Im anal about my books and anyone touching them).

    Now we are both on the couch for about a hour in the hospital reading our identical books. I suddenly realized WTF we are reading.

    Piers Anthony Book 1 of Incarnations of Immortality On a Pale Horse

    Whats wrong with this story?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • He doesn't have any Cleavers of Death! That's what's wrong with the story! (BTW, happy to hear your Dad is okay). -SwedishChef
  • i love the incarnations series but I see your point.. kindof unnverving to be reading a book about the incarnation of death while waiting on a surgery -kmonson
  • Nothing wrong with it - it's relevant and a better spin on death than you'd get in, say, Stephen King... -namor
  • I will say I love that book - and it is a great statement about Death has Compassion. Not bad to read at that time. -DesertDBA
  • It's probably a common subject to read about in a hospital. Somehow romance novels don't seem to fit the occasion. -scooby111
  • It's a good book- not what you think it is. BTW- I used to read vampire novels while giving blood (can't anymore because the cows got mad). -LaserGuru
  • the I of I series is awesome (all 7 of them). quite an irony, though. -goblin69
  • Probably Piers Anthony's best work. Too bad he's gone so formula that "read one, read 'em all" has gone into effect. -TechnoVampire
  • Man does that book ROCK! A friend gave me a copy as a gift in High School, awesome. -Flexo
  • TV- You're oviously commenting on the Xanth series. He has so many other good series: Battle Circle, Bio of a Space Tyrant, Cthon, Cluster, Of Man and Manta. Never got around to reading The Magic Fart though. -LaserGuru
  • my only complaint with the incarnation series is that they havent done a book on Nox -kmonson
  • LG - forgetting the Tarot series (hard to find and strange to read) and... well, Shade of the Tree & Firefly - maybe it means I'm a perv, but Firefly was one of his best. -namor
  • When my Mother was rushed in to Hospital (dying it turned out two days later) I was by her side leaning over her only later having it pointed out to me that I was wearing a Grim Squeaker (AKA The Death Of Rats from the Diskworld stories)badge on my chest. -Zoomer
  • cant see anything odd bout that, it rocks:) -timelady
  • OH. DRAMA. -DracoSuave
  • kmonson -- just wait, I of I #8 is in the works. Slowly, but he said he is working on it. Check his web site. (BTW, it was only supposed to be 5 novels originally, He wrote the last two at fan request, as is the case with Nox.) -Captain Trips
  • Okay, I just check his site ( and he confirmed that he is writing the story of Nox as of this month. Also, the movie options for On a Pale Horse have been picked up by Disney, and he says they are serious about doing it. So good news on two fronts there. -Captain Trips
  • That bad things have happened to your Dad? Best of Hopes for his quick recovery. -CTYankee
  • 70. BOFH part 2
    So, I hung up with her, and called dispatch to get someone out there A.S.A.P and tell them about the fine from the FCC for cable theft. Dispatch swore that they would never cross my path if this is the way that I treated my friends.
    The next day I called them from work and told them that it had been completed the other day. Then I hooked them up with digital cable and took a nice commission off them.


    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Free?! ...still to expensive. I want your supervisor NOW!!!!! -leonine
  • Ummm, Burkiss, if you're finished with the BFC9001, I'd like it back, please. It was just a loaner, after all. ;-) -SwedishChef
  • please allow me to be the first to say... PWN3D!!!!!! -CarbonTetra
  • Sounds like someone pissed in their gene pool, needs a little chlorine. -IseeIDIOTS
  • I found a deadlier weapon now chef. <grin> -burrkiss
  • No, no, no, no, NO! You don't understand. You should be so honored by my desire to accept your cable service into my home that *you* should pay *me* for the privilege of having me as a customer. </sarcasm> Yeah, right. Suck it down, bitch. -RiffRaff
  • Pssst, Hey burrkiss. How can I get some free cable? -Hellion
  • 71. BOFH part 1
    Gather around the digital campfire boys and girls techs. Daddy Burrkiss is going to tell you a story.
    Pan back to a little girl clapping her hands, "Yea!! A story!!! I love those!!!

    Well, this story really begins about a year prior, when my friends got cable internet for their new home. My friend is also savvy enough to be able to steal expanded cable. I knew about it but really didnt care.

    Fast forward to one week ago. My friends bought a new 52" HDTV and then griped about the price of cable tv being too high. The cable tv that they were stealing and not paying for.

    So I set up a tech to go out there and "verify service" with a note that told them to look specificly for stolen expanded.

    The next day the wife of the pair called in all freak that a cable guy 'found them out' and that her husband just went out and removed our filter to get the illegale cable back.

    Now im pissed

    I told the wife that it was probably just a random audit of active accts to verify serivce *cough* bullshit *cough* and that if they found the cable back on, then they would know 100% that it was stolen. I told her that when I got to work tommorrow that I would check the work orders and let her know if they were coming out.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Does you wife know about your tagline? -LaserGuru
  • 72. no commercials=mad
    This guy was the tops. Called in to bitch that he wasnt getting commercials during our rebroadcast of the ISU game. This is a channel of ours thats not national. I tried to explain to him, that since its a rebroadcast, and not on a national channel that we cut out the commercials.

    Fucker went apeshit.
    I finally had to tell him to calm down and take his medication or I would disconnect the call.

    Then I hear the sounds of a paper bag inflating and deflating, a calmer sounding FREAK comes on the phone all bi-polar and while apologizing for freaking out, starts freaking out AGAIN.

    I finally just had it, hit the button on the phone to make it beep in his ear to get him to pause. I told him to "take your meds" and then hung up on him.

    Whadd fucking day, Technovampire? You have a lunar calander right? Is it a full moon again?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Did you ask why he wanted the commercials? :confused: -MrThou
  • New Moon was on March 20th. First quarter is on the 27th. Full moon is over a week away, on April 5th. In fact (checks calendar again) that's just a day short of two weeks. -OgdenTechGuy
  • sht... saw ISU and thought Idaho State Uni... need sleep... -srteach
  • I had a guy threatening to cancel over the amount of reruns. He figured the other cable companies wouldn't have as many. It was worse beacause: 1) it was the movie channel he had the problem with and 2) I don't do tv support. -ProfessorFrink
  • Here in Idaho it is Idaho State University. The lesser of our univiersities. University of Idaho rocks. <hides from college lartings> -Wolffarmer
  • Which makes today a waxing crescent, 4 days past new. You can download the screensaver I use at -TechnoVampire
  • 73. This is only a test, a geek test
    A little background first. When I got home, my wife and mother-in-law are finishing painting the new baby room. They asked me to unstick a window to help air out the room. Ok fine.

    *grunt* *push/shove*

    Then the window suddenly decides to fly open, and the hands fly away from the window and the elbows fly toward it..........crashing through it. Glass on the window sill, glass on the floor, glass on the shirt and big chunks in my arms/elbows.

    Blood starts gushing, mother-in-law starts "o shit o shit" and wife starts "omg omg omg", and I start looking around at all the yelling, as I cant feel all the glass in my arms.

    ML picks the glass out of my arms and the wife looks like she is going to barf. I then hold the hand towel on my elbows while my wife drives me to the ER. My right elbow is still dripping blood all over the place on the way there, it is severly messed up

    We get to the ER and the Dr. puts on some quick pressure bandages and then rolls me into X-ray to check for leftover broken glass in my arms/elbows.
    My 1st question to the Dr before the Xray? Am I going to have nerve damage? Cause I cant use a mouse left handed.

    Yeah, screw all your wussie 'geek tests' when you have probable nerve damage in your elbow and the 1st problem on your mind is using a mouse left handed? Your the fucking kind of geeks.

    You all may bow before my geeky presence.

    Tim "Lucked the fuck out with no nerve damage"
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • glad to hear you're ok, speedy recovery. though i must say, good luck staying sane for the first 3months. i haven't spawned yet but i hear that's the worst time. rumor around town says it's supposedly worth it. -omegawolf
  • If your wife almost barfed at that, she's gonna have a fun time when the placenta drops. -Bobsentme
  • Get well soon dude. Oh the 1st 3 months of no sleep are worth it, at least it's wake @ 2am, feed for an hour, then off to bye byes. Wait till they get to be teenagers, then it's HELL 24/7. -PsiDOC
  • Hey, Burrkiss, that's not what they mean by "elbow grease," ya twit! <g> Glad it wasn't serious. Best wishes to you and your wife. -RiffRaff
  • I write left-handed. At work, I use the mouse right-handed. At home, I use it left-handed (even trained the right-handed wife to use it that way). My question is this: Does this make me ambi-geekxtrous? -Answerboy
  • Hey, I once tried to pick up 225 kilo motorbike with a broken arm! I laugh at your injury, you son of a silly thing! -robbor
  • I broke my wrist a month ago. The doctor told me I could go back to work on "light duty". There is no such thing in this industry. My supe told me that if I can't type and use the mouse, I needn't come back to work until I could. Got three weeks of state disability just because I couldn't use my right hand! I love Cow-lee-for-nee-a! -billybien
  • Well, as far as the geek test is concerned, it looks like you "made the cut" <Ducks flying glass & big LARTing from Burrkiss> -lineswine
  • When are you replacing the window ? :> -RTFM
  • Wow! You, sir, are the geekiest geek that ever geeked! -hkypipe
  • Jeez, burrkiss, even when you're injured, you still have to reinstall Windows. -Tekkie
  • Windows crashed? Suprise. -Bobsentme
  • Oh, ok, it's all *clear* to me now. <runs dodging LARTs> Hope it heals up soon. -CTYankee
  • My appendix burst and they had to operate on me twice in a week, after 2 weeks of nothing to do i couldn't take the unusual rest and relaxation so i went back to work, imagine the look on my co-workers faces when they saw me. -CrystalMare
  • But in the movies people go through glass windows all the time and don't get hurt...Speedy recovery and hopefully you have insurance. -Starfury
  • You forgot to implement SP1 and Hotfix for your windows ^_^. Hope for quick recovery. And no more Windows for you for a while! -Dr Jerkyl
  • A very good reason to use Enlightenment instead of Windows. (*puts on serious hat* Glad that there was no long term damage) -jedidiahstott
  • *can't think of a worse pun on Windows than those that have already been posted* Glad to hear you're OK! -PaseoGuy
  • Ow, ow I'd have fainted (useless about blood). At least I'm a left who can use a mouse right-handed so one less worry, should I do anything so silly. Take care and be proud of those scars. -K1W1
  • I can mouse lefty. We had an employee that would use a right handed mouse on the left side ot the keyboard and I learned from that. -maciarc
  • You must be shattered after all that! -EmleyMoor
  • 74. A Anti-Customer Service Warning Fellows.
    I have been with American Family Insurance for about 3 years. Never have I been the slightest bit deliquent. I called them on 1-30-4 to cancell coverage at the end of the month that had been paid for, as I found a carrier that was willing to insure my autos AND my house (AFI didnt want to insure my house). This new company, which shall remain nameless saved me over $500 a year, for the same coverage.

    Lo and behold on 3-12-4 I got a letter from AFI stating that I had to pay for coverage from 1-30-4 till 2-6-4. Well, I just figured they needed a 1 week notice and stuck me with the $40 bill. I called in to ask if they had a 1 week notice for cancellation and was told "no", then was informed that I had called in on 2-6-4 to cancel.

    Bull. I cancelled AFI and hooked up the same day with the new/better carrier.

    So this I say to fellow TSC readers "Dont get insurance from American Family Insurance, they will rape you in the end"

    And to American Family Insurance I say this. "I paid your bogus $40 charge (got a receipt for proof incase you try again) after 3 years of loyal serivce. Now my goal is to lose as much business as I can for you. Two can play the "Fuck you" game.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • And so the old saying is proven: Piss off one customer, and you not only lose them, you lose 10 other potential customers do to the bad word-of-mouth. Maybe you should forward this URL to their CS department. -RiffRaff
  • We're running into the same problems with Ambro Mortgage Co. They are sticking us with a bunch of cancelation crap (refinancing a loan). Sad thing is even with all the crap they are sticking on us and the closing costs for the new loan, we will recoop it all in less than 2 years. ...btw, we are going from a 30 year loan @8.75% with 150$pmi to a 15 year 4.75% no pmi and DROPPING our payment 50$/month -leonine
  • Man, this is messed in the head. :) Burrkiss I'm hopefuly this new company won't screw you over anyhoo.. -Warrick
  • My inlaws are thinking about going with American Family insurance. Guess who just lost a customer? -Bobsentme
  • One down. -burrkiss
  • I have some good news... -Hellion
  • saved a bunch of money switching to Geico? -Fireflower
  • Exactly :D -Hellion
  • no one saves money on geico -SGTARKyTEK
  • I was perfectly content with AFI until...until....I had to cancel because I didn't have a car anymore. I called in, had the policy cancelled, had already paid for the current month, so they sent me refund checks. I cashed 'em, used 'em, life was happy, right? 4 months later I get a letter from a collections agency saying that I owe them exactly the amounts that I was refunded. Um.....? Maroons. -dreaming78
  • ok - so I am in the market for car insurance now - was planning to go with AFI - so - any suggestions who I SHOULD go with? -AngelicTech
  • Angelic -- I've always been treated good by AAA. Their rates are even reasonable, if you are a member already. Just remember to get some collision insurance. You don't need much, (even a $1,000 deductible is enough) but if you don't have any they won't do anything for your vehicle's damages, even if you aren't at fault. -Captain Trips
  • AAA is good from what I have heard, there is also A+ California Fire & Casuality @ 1-888-340-4662 x 8279 her name is Linda....side note make sure your car is worth putting collision on it. Side note #2 Thats two down. -burrkiss
  • 75. Dr of what proctology?
    name on the acct. "dr" Joe Doe. Already annoying me. Yes you spent 8 years blowing the senior scapel holder, so now you have to show off? Hmmmpf.

    Bonehead calls in cause his showtime isnt working. Ok, fine. I troubleshoot and sent some signals to his box. Then I read the notes on the acct, since there was time waiting for the signals to get there.


    This note was one month ago. Motherfucking $250k/year cocksmoker cant even remember and is now trying to argue with me that he should have it. Fart-splatter for brains even started going into the box diagnostics/setup trying to change his package to get the HD showtime. I even brought up the fact that a month ago a CSR had told him the same thing. I could hear the sucking should of his head coming right out of his ass, and after the fecal material drained out he could finaly hear what I was saying, which was


    *pant* *pant*

    I got the best revenge I could. I removed the "DR" from his name.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Geeze Burrkiss tell us how you really feel abot him.. -rockytech
  • Most people are surprised at how dumb doctors are about anything not in their speciality. All those years of college, med school, and residency learning biology, anatomy, etc., blinds you to the existence of the rest of the world. -Captain Trips
  • i'm a doctor not a tv smart thingee guy -SGTARKyTEK
  • Burrkiss, back away from the phone slowly... no, put the bat down, it's not the phone's fault... good... here's a 50mg valium... night-night... -RiffRaff
  • "A scientist outside of his field of specialty can be just as dumb as the next guy." --Richard Feynman -concept14
  • 76. Latina Accents
    God I love a woman with a hot latina accent

    *smacks lips*.

    Makes me want to make problems just so I can troubleshoot.

    *smacks lips again*

    Like that hottie Mexican from Fast and the Furious/Resident Evil ........ mmmmmmmmmmmmm
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <Dumps 20 gallons of ice-cold water on burrkiss> There y'go, buddy. Feelin' better now? -RiffRaff
  • The actress Burrkiss is drooling over is Michelle Rodriguez. -TechnoVampire
  • I've had her, she was crap!, oh & Burkiss, her real name's Doris & she's from Stoke-on-Trent! -Digital Dogcow
  • AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Thats COLD!!!! Just look @ these nipples! Poking right outta me polo. Ok. im normal now. (riff you getting me back for the .00000000006%??) -burrkiss
  • You betchya, burrkiss. Payback's a bitch ain't it? <eg> -RiffRaff
  • (Arms an ICBlart) Guys.. don't make me use this PLEASE.... -Warrick
  • Whatever dudes. Vamp gave me the link. Im uhhhh busy. -burrkiss
  • Personally, I prefer my accents from elsewhere. :) -snowcrash
  • British or Australian for me, please. -pennywithahole
  • Women ?? what are these women things you keep speaking of ??, Do you mean those Nice looking Curve Femails that only talk to me when they want thier Computer fixed ?? -Deadagent
  • My personal favorite is the Irish lass with the Irish accent and long red hair. Got my wife with all but the accent. 75% aint bad. -burrkiss
  • I'm partial to a cultured british accent, only had 2 calls with them in the past but I was not in a hurry to get off the phone, lemme tell you!! <drools> -DarthLuke
  • I go gaga over those girls with a scottish accent or irish :P the english accent make s my head turn too :P -CrystalMare
  • I'm with pennywithahole! Give me British or Australian, though Scottish and Irish aren't far behind. -sassicatz
  • burrkiss: try living in miami. of course you *would* kinda have to speak the language. we *do* have a sizable asian/phillipino community too. (yummmm) -omegawolf
  • thats filipino. -CrystalMare
  • 77. Today is the Dumbest Day
    I cannot even BEGIN to describe the level of stupidy that the 3 of us in the call center today have gotten. We have only been on the phones for the 75 minutes. After the 1st call of the day, I said that I would 'dumb myself down' to be able to take calls. Sofar, after getting about 6 calls today I have 'dumbed myself down' about 3 times. If I do it again I am not going to be able have the IQ to know how to breathe.

    1.I had to tell someone what a 'arrow' key looked like.

    2.I had to tell someone what left to right was.

    3.I had to tell someone that if you cant watch TV for 30 minutes after resetting the box, then you couldnt watch sci-fi.

    4. I had to tell someone that you couldnt have PPV without having a digital box.

    5. I had to tell someone that cable internet doesnt work in your Web TV

    6.I had to tell someone that we WILL clip your TV if you dont pay for 3 months and that NO it isnt illegal to cut service for nonpay.

    Im just fucking amazed at the world right now. Its like I had blinders on.

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <gets burrkiss tasty drink & link to new Red vs Blue:> It's OK, hun, we're here to help keep your IQ from slipping too far down. -Tekkie
  • This is what happens when humanity makes "progress". Idiots don't get eaten by enough lions anymore, if you ask me...which you didn't. The gene pool needs a bit of chlorine, don't you think? -snowcrash
  • It needs more than chlorine, snow. It's a pity we can't clone Adolf Hitler from an old DNA source and re-train him to eradicate idiots instead of Jews. (Note: Tongue-in-cheek comment. No flames, please) -RiffRaff
  • As one of my old NCOs used to say: "It's time to thin the herd..." -hkypipe
  • Burrkiss: Congratulations, you have become flypaper. :) -Mushroom
  • <line from postal2> the gene pool is stagnent, and i am the minister of chlorine.</postal2>. To be honest here- given the technilogical advances of the human race- the old checks and blanaces (war, plague, famine and pestilance) no longer apply. wars are short and sweet with out much loss of life- we have cures for just about everything, we can geneticaly engineer crops so they have less chance of failing + hydroponics, and as for famine? ok well in some parts of teh world its still a problem. but that only cause other parts wont share. even 100 years ago over population was non existant. and yet now? </rant> -Harm
  • Harm - I have to take issue with your comment "wars are short and sweet with out much loss of life". Only a civvy who likes playing at being at war could make such an inane comment. Do yourself a favour & stop believing everything you see on CNN. The last big conflict was the Vietnam conflict - I don't count (depending on sources) 70 000 US deaths & 1.5 million Vietnamese deaths as "without much loss of life". Put yourself in "Harms way" & THEN talk to me (& the other ex. & serving military TSCers about it). -lineswine
  • As a military brat, I'm agree with Lineswine. Had a few friends who lost parents, and its always sad. -Bobsentme
  • THe american news services force you to glean your news through them, you have to read between the lines, they clean up so much stuff, thats why I always try to watch BBC every night, when theres a suicide bombing, they actually show the bodies and parts on the news, most of the time cnn ect... will not show this, ANy loss of life in any war is not acceptable, but we still havent been able to resolve issues without war so far unfortunately, the war we are in now has loss of life but its not in a traditional sense, these people blow themselves up in malls and shops, they crash land into buildings, then they hide among innocent civilians, traditional war is no more, its now mass armies against individuals hiding in homes!!! -jamaal
  • While not nice, I think Harm's rant is more about the fact that the concept of war in the last 20 years has advanced to the point where loss of life does not approach that of Vietnam and not even remotely close to that of WW1 and WW2. Further, he is merely pointing out that we (humans in general) are not dying off as quickly as we used to through a variety of means - war, famine, disease, etc. Yes, "war" = "loss of life" and "loss of life" = "tragedy", but I don't think Harm was saying that war is light and easy - more like it is not as depopulating as it used to be. -virtualchoirboy
  • OK clarification.. war in the last 20 years... i do not mean to say that loss of live over that time has any more tragic. Wars previouse to 1980. were vast bloody and terrible. we know this.. we have the stats. wars sinse have been much shorter in time line. the ratio of population loss over war has decresed.. in a planet of less then 1 billing people.. a loss of live of over 100 million woudl reduce the pupolation dramaticaly. in a world of 6 billion the loss of 60 million would be a much lesser toll on the populouse. extremly high still - none the less tragic - however the breeding population is less. there for the pupoltaion increase will be more gradual. - numbers im using are from no particular source-- just demontration.didnt mean to offend those that have been in battle. I happen to have a rather long history of military service in my family. i mean no disrespect at all. -Harm
  • 78. New rules imposed upon us CSR's
    Someone in the call center has irritated the managers. They found a roll of bubble rap and popped them until death was certain. Now anyone even popping one bubble gets written up.

    Wanders away whistling innocently
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Good news: I've got some more bubblewrap for you. Bad news: Its' wrapped around a thermonuclear LART. -Answerboy
  • -Digital Dogcow
  • damn you dogcow -marionette
  • <twitch> ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my fix thanks DD -burrkiss
  • Damn those sadistic fun for you. *grabs bubblewrap* -leonine
  • <shoots leo in the arm, grabs wrap back> *pop*Pop*POP* "Next time I aim for the kill" *pop*Pop* -burrkiss
  • So find something that *sounds* like bubble wrap being popped. If you dare. If you are brave. If you are independently wealthy and only do tech support for the fun of it. -CyBear
  • There's always bubble gum for making loud pops with no locatable source <eg> -Grembo
  • One of my funniest moments was when I took a large bubblewrap (in fact it was kind of bag filled with air) and put it behind the wheels of a forklift, a car (behind all four wheels) and of course the best under a chair... Jupp it was as you can imagine only 5 times funnier. -Dr Jerkyl
  • Yay! A new site to put in my Bookmarks! Thanks! -CrazyCanuck
  • 79. Yeah, can I get a clue?
    Case notes again....sometimes its easier to copy the notes than make a cut little story.

    sub complaining that we must have cut her phone line. checked w/o screen and we have not been out there since december 03. asked if she had been without phone for 3 months. sub said no, just today when she got a new phone. sub wanted us to come out, ed that she would need to call phone comp. not cable comp. sub ok now.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • How can someone be so stupid as to not have any clue about cause and effect? -phanatik
  • How do these people NOT call the phone company first? That's what don't get. -DracoSuave
  • A couple years ago, I had a starfish blaming us for a problem with her Heating and Air Condition. -drunkenwildmage
  • think about the starfish laying on the beach - if no one picks them up and tosses them back in the ocean, tbey die -AngelicTech
  • 80. Question/Survey
    So, is a caffinated beverage called Pop?

    or Soda?

    your final answers please.

    (and approx where your from I want to see if its a geographical thing)
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • It's soda. -snowcrash
  • Well, when I was in California, it was soda. In Georgia, it was Coke, no matter what it was. In Florida, it depends on what other part of the country you came from. In the end, I call it soda. -ScarletPimp
  • from coast to coast its pop -rednexxtech
  • Soda now but originally referred to as Soda Pop. Upstate NY -PseudoTech
  • its both, soda or pop..just not soda pop -areatech
  • its a diet coke please..with lemon weadge, no ice, thank you. new england -neuman1812
  • In south Louisiana, it's soda water. -Answerboy
  • -Bobsentme
  • soda (CA) -nm
  • the "conclusion" in the link above. -Bobsentme
  • "Soder", aka Soda here in RI... (Of course, this _is_ the state of Swamp Yankees!) -taieena
  • its called "Coke" in asia. The more learned individuals call it soda. -CrystalMare
  • If it's carbonated, it's soda to me. I know people who say pop around here, tho. If it's not cabonated, it's coffee! -Tekkie
  • It's neither, it's a Coke... even when you're drinking Mountain Dew.... don't ask me why... 'cause I don't know -duckhead
  • my caffinated beverage of choice is called coffee, black; round these parts they call carbonated beverages soda (new york city) -DedSysOp
  • ScarletPimp, if you're from Florida, it's still just Coke... -objekt404
  • I'm in Indiana now where it's called a "soft drink", but when I first moved here from Massachusetts, I asked for a "pop" and the waitress didn't know what i wanted! It's definitely a geographical thing! :p -rokitt
  • I live in an area where it is referred to as pop. I say soda at home, but if I am out somplace just to avoid confusion ... I say Mountain Dew -AngelicTech
  • Western Canada. Caffeinated beverage = coffee. Carbonated beverage with caffeine = mana </smirk>. We call it pop up here. -CrazyCanuck
  • Soft drink or soda. When I was a kid, some of the old-timers still called it dope. -LaserGuru
  • -LaserGuru
  • Near Toronto - "Pop". Don't think I've ever heard a native Canadian (or, more properly, multiple-generation Canadian) refer to it as "soda". Not to say that it never happens. Around here, caffeinated beverages are known as "Tim's" usually. They must put smack into their coffee or something. I've never seen such a slavish lineup for anything in the world. -soccerdude
  • It's called Pop. Or more frequently "Mine". -fearmyroot
  • I live in the midwest, where most people call it pop, which irritates the hell out of me. I was born in Norristown, PA, and grew up there, and in Syracuse, NY, where it's called soda. More of the country, actually, calls it soda, by region, than anything else. I should know. I've lived in every region of the continental US except the Great Plains and the Pacific Northwest. -GothKat
  • Besides, everybody knows that you drink soda, and you pop a balloon! <ducks LARTs> -GothKat
  • Tell ya what, buy me a coke and I'll tell ya. Diet Pepsi. -scooby111
  • ontario, canada - and it's pop! -discordkitty
  • soft drink or even fizzy drink here in oz:) -timelady
  • Refreshing Cola Beverage. -KickahaOta
  • It's usually just called "Bugger! I've run out!" -lineswine
  • As I cannot drink any cola or quasi-cola, I tend to stick to the uncolas like Sprite. -EmleyMoor
  • Well, here in Oregon, it was Pop for me, till I met my wife, and for some reason she called it Soda and thats what I ended up with. I know in Florida it was called Soda when I was there. -Cuedain
  • Scotland > EH ???? - Irn-Bru please... -s0nix
  • in alabama, it's Coke, no matter what. -Phssstpok
  • It does seem to be geographical to some extent. In Nebraska, where I grew up, it was pop. When I moved to New Mexico no one knew what I meant by "pop" and I had to learn to say soda. California, where I live now, is also soda. -sassicatz
  • I call it soda...but that's a left over from when i was in the Navy...most people here (northeast Arkansas) just call it Coke. -phsspok
  • According to that first map Pop is only slowly invading Canada. Oh, and a famous Canadian refers to it as soda. "Might as well go for a soda, nobody hurts, nobody cries" Kim Mitchell -Coyotebd
  • In Mississippi, all dark carbonated beverages are called "Coke." Even if it's really a Pepsi, root beer, or even (sometimes) a Sprite. -ThirdOfFive
  • Northern Illinois it is Pop... if you go 50 miles South of here they say Soda. -Brf
  • It's pernounced "CAKE"! Gimme a CAKE wit know ice,hun! </COKE, with bad Baltimore accent> -billybien
  • pop (Pittsburgh, PA) an' 'at -goblin69
  • Ginger, but then I am a scot -Waylander
  • I call it Guinness. (Canada near the US Pacific Northwest) -chazz
  • Pop, and I live in the same state you do. (Except for Hy-Vee Diet Cola, which I call drain cleaner.) In the South it was coke, as in "cherry koke." -concept14
  • Soft drink in NZ, or fizzy drink by the older generation. -K1W1
  • 81. Miscommunication
    I called my wife on my break. It has been raining for 12 hours straight here in Iowa. 1st words out her mouth that I heard?

    Are ya hard?


    Wife: Well I didnt finish the sentance "O yeah, our yard.... its flooding and I cant let the dogs out.

    Me:Oh, ok..........I thought you said "are you hard?"

    Cue wife and two other ladies laughing so hard that one of them 'leaked'.

    Im going to clean out my ears and go buy a friggin hearing aid.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • don't forget the mop and pail to clean the leak hehehe :P -CrystalMare
  • Based on this and odd comments you have made in the past, I think you are due for a brainwashing. Yup, you've got a dirty mind. -Captain Trips
  • should i do it manually or get someone to wash it for me :P <ducks incuming> :P -CrystalMare
  • Weeeee! -lineswine
  • 82. Case notes. Ask and recieve Beyatch
    I give em what they want, just not how.

    Case notes

    sub complaining about bill. said doesnt have a box. i disabled the box. lets see if she calls back in later.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • So... many... possible... comments... *BOOM* -RiffRaff
  • You seriously disabled her box? -Warrick
  • yup. went 'active' to 'disabled'. Just a matter of changing a letter from A to B -burrkiss
  • or do you mean that dirtylike? Yeah I disabled it with PURE SIZE!!!!! -burrkiss
  • Her box is disabled? Will that stop her earning money? -lineswine
  • Yeah, lineswine, she losing THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AN HOUR because her box is disabled! -Tekkie
  • anyone else want their box wacked? -burrkiss
  • did she ever call back? -postal tech
  • women never call me back *sniff* -burrkiss
  • Don't you think her husband's gonna be the one to call back since you disabled her box? What kind of tool do you use to do that? -scooby111
  • Scoob - Silicone caulking? <self-LARTS due to really bad mental image> -soccerdude
  • clitorectomy? -billybien
  • staples -GefahrMaus
  • 83. Stonewalling. 2nd try
    Guy wanted me to waive 1 1/2 months of serivce becuase he thinks we are overcharging him. He moved in JAN and didnt call us. Even admitted to it. Stonewalled him hard.

    No, you didnt call us, its not our fault you forgot you need to pay.
    No.....Well I CAN waive all the charges but I would get fired. No im not losing my job for the likes of you.
    Well, you called the elec/gas/water and forgot us. We are not psychic (actually said it) we dont know when you move.
    No. Then it goes to collections and ruins your credit.
    Yes it does.
    Yes it does.
    Yes it does.
    'xcuse me? Fuck you too //click//

    Amount in question? $25

    Amount of time? 30 minutes
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Ooo, you're a hardass!! <steps back to admire burrkiss' hard ass> -Tekkie
  • Buns o steel baby!!!! <time warps back to 1996 when he still lifted weights then graphs the A+ onto the C+> -burrkiss
  • Is your real name Red Foreman? -jamaal
  • they let u curse? if so got any openings -postal tech
  • did someone say timewarp? it's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the rt. put you hands on your hips... </rocky horror> -omegawolf
  • Good job. It's not hard to stand your ground when the customer's an a$$hole and has already disconnected. -scooby111
  • Oh yeah - You bring your knees in tight. </Time Warp> -scooby111
  • Yeah! Love it when a dickfaced customer doesn't get what he wants because he thinks if he whines enough the CSR will give in. Way to stand your ground. -RiffRaff
  • "But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy not?" -Captain Trips
  • <scrolling-LARTS CT> -Veinor
  • 84. Dumber Than Dumb
    Them: So, where it says 'free' what does that mean?

    ME:"Ummmmm its free?"

    Them: Yeah, but what does it mean? Do I have to pay for it?

    ME: "No,,,,,,,its free."

    Them:So what if I watch it ten times? How much is it?

    ME: Whats 10 times 0?


    Me:Yes you *still* wouldnt be charged.

    Wow, dumber than dumb......"sir zero is your IQ as well."
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Man in dollar store: "How much is this?" -Mushroom
  • My stepdaughter wooks at Dollar Tree. Gues what the number one question is? -LaserGuru
  • ahhhh, video on demand! -billybien
  • exactly!!! VOD -burrkiss
  • 85. 500 miles? 25 feet part 2
    Part one is 500 miles? No, 25 feet

    This is part two.

    Me: Burrkiss speaking can I help you?

    Other:Yes, this is Mary in the (my city office) where am I calling?

    Me:You got about 25 feet again


    Me:Look out your office //waves//

    Mary: My Burrkiss!! I got you again!! You were so professional!

    Me: Yeah, thanks would you like to take a short 2 question survey at the end of this call (CSR's dont like offering the survey)

    Mary:No thanks

    Me: WHAT??? Then get off my phone!!!! //click//

    Now how many times do you get to yell at your supe and hang up on them WITHOUT getting written up?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Is it that hard to get an outside line? -scooby111
  • virtual call center (dozen little centers tied together. the system *tries* to get you to the local office but if we are all on the phone it goes to the 1st avail rep.)....why she doesnt use the backdoor #'s???beyond me -burrkiss
  • 86. Math teacher now?
    Case notes verbatium....."wanted to know how much *exactly* tax was. i ran the percentages thru my calcular and told him that state =5.25%, franchise 5.25%. reg fee was to the fcc. and local option school tax was 1.05%...all i did was divide the tax by 43.95 service. if he calls back please ed him with basic math."
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • huh????? and I have a degree in math. -MrsQuadrinaro
  • 87. ubersquirrel
    could someone resend the story about the beginnings of the ubersquirrel? I remember some of the story, but i would love to share it with my coworkers.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  •$287 is the addy. After that was posted I bookmarked the site. There are actually a lot of good stories in there. -DreadPirate
  • OH MY GOD! I have not laughed so hard in years. Please tell me why you did not post a warning about the story being that funny. I'm glad no one walked in to the store while I was reading this. They would have thought I was ready for the nice guys dressed in white carrying the huge butterfly net. -DataSolutions
  • I have a new role model: The Über-squirrel!!! -CrazyCanuck
  • Laughed my A$$ off so hard my manager wanted to know what was going on... He rides a Harley... -haplo1024
  • That's just nuts. -KickahaOta
  • Laughed so hard I dropped my nuts and fell on my tail! -CyBear
  • Oh, my God! I haven't laughed that hard in ages. There went my eyeliner. It's a good thing I read the comments before reading the story or there'd have been boiled egg all over my monitor. -sassicatz
  • Gee, it seems that Chip and Dale who scamper up trees and bounce across fences in my back yard (occasionally doing flying leaps onto tree branches, and these guys are not classified as 'flying squirrels') have a famous and dangerous relative. Who has a cruiser of his own now. Yipes! -Mushroom
  • i'll punish dreadpirate when he gets home for not putting a warning on that link *huge leecherous grin* -marionette
  • HArd to think that a little squirrel could cause so muc trouble... -scooby111
  • Anybody ever hear "Mississippi Squirrel Revival" by Ray Stevens? I think he may have wrote that song about this squirell!! -TheSingingTech
  • OMFG! That was asphyxiatingly funny. I had to aux out halfway through because there was no way I could have spoken if the phone rang... -DarthDOS
  • Oh my god... all I could think of was, "This must be related to the killer rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail..." -teivrann
  • ok ok i should have known better, 3:00am i pop onto TSC going though the posts and found this...picture it yourself, cig in one hand, bottle of beer in the other, sitting at my PC desk reading that link...not a good mix :) -s0nix
  • 88. Battling Bids
    Overhead while I was sitting around waiting for a call
    Door to door rep1 talking to Door to door rep2. "Yeah I was trying to get (voice fades) off of ebay but this prick kept bidding everytime I did. Lost it at the last second. God I hate that guy"

    Now I had just fought like a possessed demon to get Babylon season 5 for my wife. "Yeah I had some prick cost me $15 extra for the damned B5 DVD's"

    DTD rep1 glared at me........"that was you?"

    Me"yeah, did you lose the bid like 10pm last night?"

    DTD rep1 "Yeah"


    what are the odds?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Priceless. I hate door-to-door salesmen. -Gecko
  • B5 Season 5 is not avaible on DVD yet! - It should be released 13 April (As per DVD-Depot) ??? -Wonko The Sane
  • Another reason sniping can be your friend. -Jeckler
  • I'm still waiting to find out if I get listed on the fan section. I was one of the lead proponents for Rastb5mod back when. I've got 1-4 now. The other nice feature is that the crew shots (24 frames of the cast and crew who worked on B5) will be on the Sleeping in Light episode and you'll be able to step through the frames. I've got several friends in there. -technaround
  • my bad it was the vhs. i have the 1st 4 off dvd from ebay at like 1/2 the list price. i just want to see how it ends. -burrkiss
  • ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had that happen to me a few weeks ago. Not for B5 dvds, but for a really expensive set of dressmaking supplies. about a $150+ value. My max bid was $30. It sat at $15 forever and then some. I was the only bidder for 3 frickin' days. It sat at $15 until 2 minutes before the auction ends. Then some sniper comes on, spots it, must have thought "daaamn!" and outbids me by $1. I've hated ebay every since. -mousie
  • Mousie: Don't hate eBay, work it like the other snipers do- with sniping software. Many of those last minute bids are placed because of these programs; extremely handy if you're at work when the item ends. -BayouTech
  • Also consider: the bid amount will only go up to the specified incremental value listed at the bottem. So, that other eBayer could have bidded $30, but eBay will only increment the value up to the last person's max. So, if your bid had been $18, other guy $30, $1 increment, the amount on the auction would be $19 with them winning. This is eBay's proxy bidding system; learn to work it to your advantage. -BayouTech
  • Work it girl! -LaserGuru
  • 89. question
    what does 'bloody wankers' translate to in american?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I'm an American too, but let me take a crack at this one. Bloody=Seems to be roughly equivalent to our F*cking? Wanker (as described on TSC at some earlier time) a masturbating individual so unattractive that nobody would consider touching them. May our English friends correct me if I am wrong. -DarthLuke
  • Fucking Jackoff? -objekt404
  • I thought "bloody" was more a "damned" thing, since it's not terribly bad. No one's been fired for it as far as I've heard (but I've been less Americentric lately than normal). CD? Lineswine? -snowcrash
  • The translation for "wanker" seems about right, if my babelfish is working. ^^;; -snowcrash
  • DarthLuke seems to be right: according to bloody: (used of persons) informal intensifiers; "what a bally (or blinking) nuisance"; "a bloody fool"; "a crashing bore"; "you flaming idiot" [syn: bally(a), blinking(a), bloody(a), crashing(a), flaming(a), fucking(a)] adv : (intensifier) "you are bloody right"; "Why are you so all-fired aggressive?" [syn: damn, all-fired] v : cover with blood; "bloody your hands" -JH
  • I would say probably "fucking jackoff". it seems like the most likely interpretation. -WickedClown
  • "Right" "Quite right!" "Yer bloody well right. You've got a right to say..." -Spyder19
  • Ooh, another Supertramp fan. And I thought I was the only one... <g> -LadySharky
  • IIRC, "bloody" got itself outlawed around the time of Henry VII because people were actually saying "by our Lady", a Catholic swear in a country that had outlawed Catholicism. Some people still consider that particular swear-word obscene. -chazz
  • Bloody - a middle ranking swearword - I suppose a US equivalent would be "goddam" for wanker - right on the money(shot) - one who masturbates, but usually used to describe a person whos demeanour/actions are a cause for derision e.g. "This starfish started neeping 'cos h's got a load of pr)0n diallers on his PC & is blaming us, what a wanker!" -lineswine
  • 90. "Movie" not "Nudie"
    Me:"ok, what movie channels would you like?"

    Eu:"WHAT NUDIE CHANNELS??? Look here young punk. I will have you know that I dont want or watch ANY nudie channels. And the gumption to even offer it. *hmmph*"

    With a voice as dry as a rice cake covered in peanut butter"MOVIE not NUDIE. MOOOOVIE"

    EU:"Oh well you need to speak clearer"

    Me:I did, *mumble mumble* (screw it) *click*

    ya know, I just didnt feel like even taking the commission screw him. fucking paranoid dick.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Ther are movies other than nudies? I gotta get out more. -LaserGuru
  • Or the guy who speaks so loudly you'd think he was on some serious mind altering drugs that gave him the impression he was sitting in a wind tunnel. -adrian0476
  • ...sorry wrong post! -adrian0476
  • LOL that happened to me tonight. I was at a rehearsal and the choreographer says to this girl "Show the audience your pretty dress," ...I thought she had said something else, which rather surprised me as there were five-year-olds there at the time :P -grahamwboyes
  • Betcha not even 5 minuites after the tech leaves, he jumps all over the adult in demand channels. The guilty dog always barks. -leonine
  • What the fark? Dirty minds think alike. -scooby111
  • 91. try this for a company site
    read the left side of the screen.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Now we *know* why people order high-speed internet access. -mhesseltine
  • Pussy wasn't # 1??? -Bobsentme
  • Popular Searches Cable Internet Webmail E-mail Pussy nice ratio of adult related items Cable Television Free Nude Porn Email Digital Cable Erotic Stories -Zaxtan
  • lol that is a nice ratio -Zaxtan
  • Where do I sign up for their "Pussy" broadband service?? Real classy lot they are. -PsiDOC
  • Oh no! When I get around to posting my Mediacom horror story here, I'll have to emophasize that the villains were outsourcers. -concept14
  • 92. Somebody screeeeewed uuuupppp!
    call 1800-800-cable. Ask to order Finding Nemo tommorrow (2-1) for 6pm. there is ONLY porn in the system. We cant order anything BUT porn.

    "im sorry finding nemo is unavailable, but would you like finding patties panties?"

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • yes i would. fuck nemo. lets watch pR0n!! -whyme
  • Whats that cable company? I might have to start watching TV again... -MrThou
  • Funny, I tried calling that number and it was busy. Damn you guys trying to order porn, I want some too!!! -Bobsentme
  • No, I'm looking for "Finding Homo"! -billybien
  • Billy- we didn't want to know. -LaserGuru
  • Fucking Nemo, isn't that something like sleeping with the fishes? -Chipsterian
  • hmmm i could get used to all pr0n! all the time!!! * envisions a city full of people with carple tunel- non computer related* on second thought... -Harm
  • damn burrkiss what kind of company you work for? hustler cable? -postal tech
  • Wow...I work for the wrong cable co. -phsspok
  • 93. Cheer up Riff, check the link.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • looks like in the 4th pic, that 50 yr old woman is holding your package <giggle> -burrkiss
  • Burkiss, dude, you are one sick bastard! (Which is why you fit in so well with the rest of us.) Thanks... thanks a lot. <g> -RiffRaff
  • Sh Ch Maursett Mindsapint? AKA RiffRaff? I didn't know you had such a pedigree! <Overbred uberstarfish with too much money> -LaserGuru
  • Damn, that's absolutely demented. I LOVE it!!! -hkypipe
  • My gawd, Magenta didn't lie -- he IS furry! -Tekkie
  • magenta doesn't get jealous? i have to say, i always thought back to the old cartoon riffraff (oooh riffy). guess i was wrong. -omegawolf
  • 94. new opening.
    Thank you for calling blahblah this is burrkiss speaking, please add to my headache.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Um, Billy? Step away from the keyboard and think about your happy place. <Hands Billybien a tall cold tasty beverage and a warm towel.> -TechnoVampire
  • TV, could you bite billy in the throat? please -burrkiss
  • Billy - your cut off. * snatches all caffinated products - redistributes them* -Harm
  • One Tranquilizer LART coming up... -RiffRaff
  • thaaaanx for the traaaanx...grblflx :?p`` -billybien
  • Not gonna bite anyone that's been doped up as thoroughly as Billy has. Nope. Nope, not gonna happen. -TechnoVampire
  • Pass that man some valium. -scooby111
  • Billy if you can't handle your caffine we'll need to demote you back down to starfish... now pass the Jolt and I won't tell anyone <shake shake shake>. -fearmyroot
  • <points Borg equipment arm at billybien and extends phaser attachment> Put down the caffene and slowly back away. -ThirdOfFive
  • 95. ghetoe
    I was getting the opening info for a house and the lady was giving me the address. "123 Main st" Then in the background "YEAH DATS DA GHETOE!!!"

    I laughed right in the mike. It felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo good to be amused by someone. The lady then turns and says 'he heard you, hes rolling in laughter right now".

    Then I hear a "But it IS!!!!!" More laughing ensews.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • "...and his momma cries. For there's one thing that she don't need is another little smart-assed mouth to the ghetto." </Elvis> -billybien
  • <white boy> I don't get it. Must be an urban thing. -scooby111
  • 96. No power cable? The Dogs.
    After 5 minutes of troubleshooting.
    "There is no power cord to the cable box"
    ME"ok, where did it go?"
    "I dont know, why isnt it here?"
    ME:"I dont know its your house, maybe your dog ate it." (I could hear the beast in the background).
    "Probably fucking dog."

    LOL I say the SAME thing about my dogs. Fucking dogs. Hell the two little bastards think Im calling them when I say "fucking dogs"
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • my dog thinks his name is "DIRKOFF!!" oh crap - why is he covred in feathers? MY BED!!! -Harm
  • We have 2 cats: Little Bastard and Fat Bastard. -Answerboy
  • Real names: Nutmeg and Hippo (Yes, that's Hippo the cat) -Answerboy
  • Wife probably took it shopping with her so he couldn't surf porn while she was gone. -scooby111
  • Karmine K. Carmicheal and Oni no Neko. My two little cats from hell. Seriously, I love them though. -Clavenater
  • Friend of mine had a dog named "Swamp Walking Samurai." -ThirdOfFive
  • I have a newfoundlander named BB (Big Bastard) -CallDawg
  • Mine's a ACD (aussie cattle dog) whos attention span is shorter then mine.. and tends to like destroying things. i am now without a comforter.. this is the 5th one so far. -Harm
  • Kinda off topic, but pet-related: . Simply amazing...I laughed so hard I was gasping the first time I read it. -CTYankee
  • 3 cats share this space we call home - Polly (old & meaner than a pissed off rattlesnake), Tomkitten (dumb as candyfloss but just as sweet) & Katie (total floosie, like doing kittypr0n at every avail oppotunity). Funiture? That is just another name for "scrating post"! -lineswine
  • One of my girlfriend's cats is named "That Cat". -thx1138
  • We had varying numbers of cats (up to 5 at a time). On one such occasion, my mother told my sister the story of someone she knew who referred to every creature as a "bugger". So, our five cats were temporarily renamed "Big Bugger" (Henry, a 16lb either-Persian-or-Maine-Coon shaded silver), "Little Bugger" (Chopin, a kitten we looked after briefly), "Old Bugger" (Candy, a by that time 14-year-old ginger-and-white short hair) and "two black Buggers" (Cleo and Clover, two black short hairs we had had for about 11 years by then). -EmleyMoor
  • Now I feel left out, I am allergic to cats and dogs :( -techskier
  • I have two female friends whose nicknames are Little B*tch and Big B*tch. Funny thing is, it was BB's dad who came up with it, and they both like it. -kman52000
  • Hey Harm, ACD's are not prone to sitting around alot. He/she wouldn't do nearly as much damage if you gave it something else to do. -Jeckler
  • (completely off topic, and no offence to any Native Americans on this board) "Well, my son, when your brother was born, I saw a deer running through the woods, so I named him 'Running Deer.' When your sister was born, I saw a swan on the lake, so I named her 'Sitting Swan.' Why do you ask, Peeing Dog? -ThirdOfFive
  • I named my dog stay. It confused him when he was younger, "Come here, Stay." Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. </Steven Wright> -maciarc
  • I've nicknamed one of my cats as "Tubcat" after she started to gain a bit of weight and took a liking to waddling around my apartment. (Never fear, she's on a new diet and play regimen..) -miharu
  • 97. 500 miles? No, 25 feet
    Me:My company Burrkiss speaking, how can I help you?
    Other:Hi, this is Mary a supervisor from the (My city) office. I am trying to reach South Dakota, how far did I get?

    Me: //rolls his chair backwards to look into Mary's office// "About 25 feet. Please try again" //click//

    You probably had to be there, but it was dead his afternoon, so the whole place was rolling in the aisles.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • That's the funniest post I've read all day!!! -Bobsentme
  • 500*5280=2640000ft ---- 2640000/25=105600. So, only about 1/100000th of the way. -scooby111
  • burrkiss keep it up man. Both posts actually made me laugh. -ShiftedBeef
  • BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAA!!!! Damn, I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read this one! -SwedishChef
  • 98. Interesting New Toy
    ........................for your dog.

    I recently dedusted my pc with a can of compressed air so it was sitting next to my computer. My dog Apollo (%50 pit bull %50 Shar Pei) walked away after bugging me to jump on my lap (NOT!!!), so in a fit of mischieviousness, I aimed the can and shot a full force blast at his cornhole.

    Ever see a center heavy dog jump straight up?? I had tears rolling down my face and had to cross my legs or I was going to piss myself laughing.

    Weeeeeelllllllllllll, now he started picking a fight with the compressed air can.
    Great, now I have a dog trying to play with the can of air. Im moving the can around as fast as I can and Apollo is trying to grab it with his teeth. I stop after a minute after I realize if he get the can and bites hard, his head if going to be splattered all over my wall.

    SOOOOOOOOOOOOOo ladies and germs, try the NEW dog toy. Bob's compressed air. Yours for FREE, just leave us your credit card # for........shipping, yeah shipping.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • burrkiss, you are one sick puppy... -Waylander
  • woofwoof -burrkiss
  • what are you planning on doing to his ass next? -whyme
  • I shall be watching for future posts with dogged interest. :) -MaskedMarauder
  • Come on, people, don't hound him about it. -TechnoVampire
  • Burkiss- You are one dogass son of a bitch! -LaserGuru
  • now if he said he did that to a cat, you guys would be laughing your asses off and giving him the thumbs up! -ab1normalh
  • i prefer to keep my thumbs from going up any asses, especially an animal's. -whyme
  • No butts, it's a "howl"er of a trick -lineswine
  • Stop being so 'ruff' on him! -TheSingingTech
  • ab1normalh, No, i hate dogs, and i think thats halarious! -MrThou
  • Just please dont try doing this to Digital Dogcow. :/ -Wiser
  • so sick and cruel and twisted ... I love it -discordkitty
  • Actually I like cats they are would be more of becareful... -Waylander
  • has an airzooka they sell that even mentions fun with animals. -CelticSkyhawk
  • Sounds like someone's barking up the wrong tree. <ducks lart> -kman52000
  • 99. I love my job.....seriously. part1
    Go Cash CUBE!!!! Heres the scoop. You get 1 second for every Starz package sold during November and December. I sold 84. I am the most UNPUSHY salesman cause I HATE having a CSR trying to shove a product down my throat. I also sold the most Starz. 2nd place had 44.
    You get into a big plastic cube and there is a bunch of money on the ground. Then they turn on the fan and all the money blows upwards. I had 84 seconds to grab as much cash as I could. I couldnt touch the cube or stuff $ down my pants or stick it in my pockets :{. There was ones, fives, tens, twenties and 1 hundred.
    A coworker asked me to go in for her. I told her fine, I would go for her 1st. (to practice *grin*)
    I had 36 seconds to grab cash for coworker. I ended up grabbing with 1 hand and stuffing it in my other hand and in the crook of my arm. Came out with $69 *grin*.

    Then my turn. I had learned well, like a young padawan should. I learned to kick my feet at the pile of money to get it airborn, learned to bend over and create a pocket of air were the money would "hang" and I could grab bunches quickly. I learned to stuff money in my right hand and in the crook of my right arm effectivly.

    My turn began. Bend over, stuff, stuff,stuff,stuff,
    My arm crook became full. I began too stuff the money into my right hand. After a few seconds I had a softball sized wad of cash in my right hand and my arm crook was full. I kept doing the furious "crotch grabbing" motions (air pocket) with my left hand and smushing in into my chest to jam more money into my left.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story

    100. I love my job.....seriously. part2
    I began to notice a problem. There was not a lot of money floating around anymore. I began to look for the big bills. AHHA!!! I locked on to the $100 bill and realized I had no more room. But I had a mouth left. I snaked my head out and snagged the hundred. WOOT!!!!. Time was running out and there was a dozen or so bills still floating around, but there was nothing left to do. I flattened my back horizontally near the end and let the money fall onto my back (it counts).

    I walked over and dumped a ton of money on the table. Bowed to the multiple applause. Signed the release form. Then laughed since they had to wait to count it all so the could restock.

    4th place $45
    3rd place $52
    2nd place $69
    1st place

    Do a little dance
    Make a little love
    Get down tonight!!!!!
    No we arnt hiring were in a hiring freeze.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Im going to stick it in the bank. Yeah Im boring. Too bad. (after I hit and get that 9600XT 256MB Vid card) <BMFG> -burrkiss
  • Congratulations!!! Way to score, dude. I just found out I'm sitting in for a keyboardist for a local Indy band on Saturday night, so I'm getting a little unexpected windfall myself to the tune of $200 or so. Maybe we should buy a lottery ticket as well? -RiffRaff
  • haha that's awesome! right now we're having 5 weekly draws for $200 per draw. for each hour of overtime you work you get 1 entry into the draw. I did 6 hours last week and didn't win ;p I don't think I want to put too much effort into it. I just need to do 2 hours this week to even out the sickday I had to take sunday ;p -discordkitty
  • Congrats! Strange, that is exactly what my bonus was last year. -scooby111
  • Congratulations! You got an unexpected 700 dollars, I fell in love! What great week it has been! -Clavenater
  • Dude, why not buy some sort of multi-luser LART with all that scratch? -kman52000
  • Did I miss something? Clavenater fell in love with burkiss? -LaserGuru
  • Hey, Scoob...My sister needs an operation and she doesn't have insurance. I have most of the money saved up. All I need is $700.00... -billybien
  • My name is Kenobo Mobuto of the Nigerian Ministry of . . . . . something . . . . $700 etc. -robbor
  • 101. Rent a POS
    Rent-A-Center. I was going to post this a week ago. But in light of Riff's problems with RentaPOS, I decided to post it. 1st some background

    Mother-in-law in town. Wife and MIL drag my sorry ass with them to go paint and fabric shopping.
    So Im @ the 1st fabric store for about a hour, then I finish my PC World mag. Then wife and MIL go to ANOTHER fabric store with me in to.
    But this one is next door to RentaPOS. Cool. They sell electronics. I should be entertained. I wander in look at the couches, entertainment centers, BIG TV's, ooooooooo and computers.
    I wander over and squat on the floor (cheap bastards didnt have a chair OR a table). 1st thing wrong, no mouse. Ok fine. I just navigate thru the Windows button and whip out some Pinball. After a few rounds, salesman wanders over and asks if he can help me. This is like 10 minutes AFTER I squatted down and started to play Pinball.

    Me: No, Im fine I just dont want to be next door @ the fabric shop with the wife and inlaw.
    He laughed and wandered off.
    Then I started getting courious. Did they removed the mouse for a quick piece security? So I fiddled with XP and noticed that I have the option of adding a administrator password. .

    My conscience came over and smacked me upside the head and I decided to leave. It avoided my good angel from sticking his halo up my nose.

    Had I read Riffs post, I would have locked out BIOS too.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • BIOS locking.. YAAY :) -Warrick
  • conscience? *keys it into* Ah, I see. Always wondered what that word meant. -Bobsentme
  • Should've put a deltree c:\windows /y in the startup folder. -RiffRaff
  • i agree w/ riffraff. hose the computer. -whyme
  • lol, time to go back to rentaPOS. he HE BUHAHAHAH -burrkiss
  • Hose it by *deleting* everything? That's easily helped with a format, or "system recovery" - to *really* hose it, set every BIOS option wrong, set all passwords, if you can easily open the case, disconnect the fan power leads, and they *probably* have the case keys around - lock that sucker. Um. I mean, no, be nice to the poor 'puter... -namor
  • I have modified the autoexec.bat file on older display computers. Give the store techs some fun reinstalling the OS after the next reboot. -Phssstpok
  • Whyme - I tried that with XP - i didn't wanna work - if it had i would have set all the login scripts at my last place to do that. -PsychoTecMonkey
  • 102. :{
    Well, I got good and bad news. The bad news is that my boss came around and gave us a new seating chart. I got the seat that has the monitor facing the bosses door. :{...This means no more surfing at work PERIOD. So If my posts and comments are less, you all know why. It isnt cause I dont love you all, its just the MAN trying to keep me down.

    The good news? I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geiko........
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Hmmm.....I surf as a Tech Support weenie all the time. Its faster to Google a problem than pull up database info. Is surfing part of a user policy where you work? -Alathea
  • there are millions of ways around this... my favoriate, the google desktop toolbar, that allows you to surf without a full screen, also try getting an anti glare screen for your monitor, those usually will stop anyone that isn't looking directly at your monitor from seeing it. One other thing, if your on a windows machine. Windows Key + D is your best friend.... Good luck.... -BunnieTechBabe
  • Screw 'em. I surf at work right in front of my manager. I get my work done and I always get a job done on time. If he can't find enough work to keep me busy, it's his fault, not mine. (Of course, I'm pretty secure knowing that they can't replace what I do.) -scooby111
  • Personally I use the alt-tab...That anti glare is a good idea. The main problem is that she is like 20' away (thats feet) and has a perfect view of the monitor. -burrkiss
  • Bleh that sucks =( We're not allowed to surf period either so I haven't risked it. I usually just look at the isp's user website full of news stories and stuff if I'm bored. It's been pretty busy though lately -discordkitty
  • We aren't supposed to randomly surf the net but I checked and any links from a "insert company name here" link we can check out. So we have this online university thing at work (can't do the courses anymore because they took Flash away from us) and it has a ressource link that at least lets me check out the news and a few semi funny sites such as quote of the day stuff. It's good for about an hour -frprinterwiz
  • No games. No Porn, thats all we have. yay. -MrThou
  • At least you HAVE a seat on the chart.. :) -Jay911
  • I feel your pain. My monitor is still in full view of my ex-boss who used to delight in reading over my shoulder. That'll stop pretty quick when he finally realises I can read HIS monitor and all the smutty emails he sends to his mistress -CommanderData
  • No porn. Anything else goes. The boss doesn't care as long as the job gets done. Half the jokes that get e-mailed around the office are from him- he clsims it's stress relief (and he's right). -LaserGuru
  • Your boss sounds like typical management - a complete tosser. Do you think for one minute HE doesn't surf at work? -lineswine
  • burk: if the company has a no surfing policy and youve been visiting tsc and they had a problem with it you'd have been busted by now. Most network OPS log the internet traffic so they would only have to look you up to see if your doing it. bottom line your just as safe now as you've always been.. around here where I work we're not supposed to surf but I've done it in front of management and they havent said a thing. I personally think its a wildcard they toss in the handbook so that they have an excuse to fire a lazy worker. -kmonson
  • put a small curtain on the entrance to your cubicle. explain that you're agoraphobic and sligghtly paranoid. tell them that when placed right there in front of the mgrs door you feel as if you're being persecuted. }8)> -omegawolf
  • 103. kids are cute.
    cut and paste from my notes on the acct.....lady called in about the $900 for unrecovered equip. said they were all returned. then in the background a little kid said 'mommy i know where one of those is, its in the basement' (aint kids cute?). lady will now go looking for the boxes that she had 'returned'.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • (claps) Nice.. :) Gotta love kids.. ever seen Equilibrium? -Warrick
  • " Mommy, it's right underneath Daddy's naked weightlifters magazines!" -billybien
  • Equilibrium is quite possibly one of the coolest movies I've ever seen. Gun Kata. Words are not enough.... -KingOfPain
  • 104. I just mailed a envelope to a customer
    Is there anything lamer out there?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Just an envelope Burrkiss? -Warrick
  • ok, a envelope in a envelope -burrkiss
  • Lamer? You could be mailing advertisements. <Licks envelope> -scooby111
  • So, cust requested you mail them an envelope? So, you did? Lemme guess, management was involved in this... -Darth
  • That's better than a request to fax print samples from a color laser. -LaserGuru
  • i had a luser ask me to email what our software disk looked like. i emailed him a jpeg of a disk i found online. he responded back if i can photo copy the disk and send it to him. i did with great fanfare. my boss was listening in and he said to do what the caller wanted. -postal tech
  • Once had a paranoid customer as for a backup of all his email on CDR to be mailed to him, as he didn't trust the storage of our servers. -Nonamys
  • thats ok i've had some companies mail me an empty box when I have to RMA a product.. they dont mail me a replacement..they mail me an empty box that I can stick my broke one in to mail back to them. -kmonson
  • I had a luser several years ago who printed out every single farking email he ever got for archival purposes, and then started neeping once his little DeskJet printer wore out. -ltu1542hvy
  • ltu1542hvy - I just had a vision of someone printing out thousands of "mortage quotes!!" and "3 INCHES GUARANTEED!!" emails. Thanks so much. :P :) -Jay911
  • Mailing an A O'Hell CD! -billybien
  • 105. Geiko
    I was in a good mood. I dont know why. I work as a CSR.
    *ring* This is burrkiss can I help you?
    Them:My box says E11. (this is a FUBARed box no way around it).
    Me: Well, I have good news and bad news
    Me:The bad news is the box is never going to work again and we need to get you a new one.
    Them:That sucks.
    Yeah, but I just saved a load on my car insurance by switching to Geiko.
    The lady laughed long and hard and so did I (but I was laughing cause Im obviously losing my mind.)
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Hehehehe! <hugs self around middle> <Rocks back and forth> Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. Can's sleep, clowns will eat me. -scooby111
  • I bet you've been dying to use that all day. I'm glad the caller had a sense of humor! -miharu
  • I can't possibly say that to my customers as Geico is technically the competition, but that's damn funny. -DarthLuke
  • "Clowns, too many clowns" </Monk> -LaserGuru
  • Burrkiss, if that's losing your mind, can you train me how? <grin> -CTYankee
  • how does geico possibly have the lowest rates? i guess they are the only ones that offer gorrilla coverage.......soo there is where you save, cuz like no one else covers gorrilla damage? ok,ok i have been dealing with starfish today too -SGTARKyTEK
  • It is now 7am - Do you know where your buffers are? Sorry, CD has not had much sleep and is in the office at 6:45am... -CommanderData
  • Yeah well, I saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance AWAY from Geico. -kman52000
  • FUKC GECKO! -billybien
  • 106. Do or do not, there is no try.
    I told a eu that I would "try" to have the service availability priortized. Put her on hold. Tried (not very hard shes annoying). Came back and told her that it would be the regular 72 business hours and I couldnt get it moved up.
    EU:You said you would try.
    ME:I did try, we dont have manpower avail for this except for the next 72 business hours
    EU:There is no try, just do or do not (said deadpan)
    ME:(WTF is this Yoda tutoring?) "Well then I did not. Is there anything else I can not do for you todayThankyouforcalling****** //click//

    Ya know I was in the hospital yesterday for extreme chest pains and took yesterday off. I also am on a bland no spice/grease/caffine/drugs/booze diet. I am NOT IN A GOOD MOOD. I HURT AND AM WILLING TO TRAVEL TO KILL. LEMME drinking......New Years Eve......*sniff*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • good thing its not a no sex diet -postal tech
  • no "heavy lifting/strenous activity"....thats sex im my book :{ -burrkiss
  • I feel for you burkiss, but at least snuggling isn't off the menu. But I wonder what drugs that person was on? Perhaps getting medieval on their asses as I'm quite sure they aren't Yoda be it in stature or intelligence. -fearmyroot
  • no spice/grease/caffine/drugs/booze diet???? WTF is there to live for then??? -RiffRaff
  • Screw that noise. Make them give you a 'script for Nexium. I went through the exact same thing about five months ago. Terrible chest pains, thought I was having a heart attack, the whole bit. It was just erosive esophagitis. Since I've been on Nexium, I'm one hap-hap-happy man!! Oh, and make sure you get the 40mg dose. Trust me on this. It'll change your life. -dobbin
  • Sorry to hear that you are not feeling way. I understand completely. I have surgery on Friday to get my gall bladder taken out. Now they havent said I cant eat anything that taste good ... but I have the knowledge of severe pain if I do ... blah -AngelicTech
  • yanno, when starfish start quoting Star Wars, it's the sign of the Apocalyps. Kinda like having a newborn speak fluent Latin. -FistLaw
  • AngelicTech, know the feeling, I just had mine out in June. They did scope surgery on me so I was up and about 48 hours later, back to eating everything in sight again. -Axiom
  • 107. Microcrap to the rescue.
    Guy calls in to have his Xbox hooked up to the internet. Cool. Added a 2nd Ip address for him no problem. Then asked where the MAC address was. Sub didnt know. I asked him to look on the outside somewhere and it probably started with 00. 3 minutes later, no MAC. Told him to try calling Microcrap and asking where it would be found.

    1 hr later

    Guy calls back and get me again (yea) tell me that we take care of the MAC addresses (groan). I explained that we DO take MAC address, but we need him to tell us what the # is that is physically written on the XBOX. Without it, we cant get him on the internet to game. I sent him back to Microsh!t with good instructions (heh).
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • what he said to microsoft was probably something like "my isp told me to get a mac address from you"...hilarity ensues. -nightmaredns
  • Not that it matters, but this might help. ^^ -miharu
  • You can get the mac address by going through the setup. At one point it will give you a Setings option. That will show the mac address. -DemonicAngel
  • Just hack the x-box open and read what's on the motherboard. Alternately, install Linux on it and do an IFCONFIG. <G> -scooby111
  • It's on the lower right corner of the "internet dashboard" During setup. -CarbonTetra
  • 108. Gripe hard, it works
    Current customer of 2 months calls in demanding to get this deal in his door. Clear as day it says on the bottom 'For new subscribers only'.
    Does this deterr him? NO!. I flat out told him he is not getting it. Then he demands a supe. Sure. Have a hayday. Then the supe comes on all apologetic and then offers it to him!!.........HE WAS ON THE SAME DEAL TWO MONTHS AGO.....GRRRRRRRRRRR.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I dont know how sup calls are taken at your center, but at mine it isnt technically by the supervisors. Anyway, if a support agent did that to me - I escalate that fact to my supervisor ... unless I am in error, support is supposed to back me up ... not cave in to subscribers asking for a break in policy. -AngelicTech
  • The customer is always right on this issue. I never tell the customer that he CAN'T have the deal...I just can't give it to him. That always follows up with- "Well connect me to someone who can." Transferring to supe line! -billybien
  • well sbc dsl liked to give new subs great rates while ripping us old customers off with 49 a month, i would call every time they had a new promo, they never complained and just signed me up for it. -SGTARKyTEK
  • I honestly think "the customer is always right" is a line of american customer service bull**** :) IMHO, the customer can be very very wrong, and companies shouldn't be expected to cave into everyone who throws a tantrum because they aren't eligible for a promo package. They call them promotional deals because they are supposed to promote new signups. -Keilin
  • Right, But, as long as it isn't coming out of your bank account, why do you give a shit who gets it? -obie099
  • Because, obie, a company that caves in to customers like that will end up losing money, or at the very least, lowering their profits. Since my job security is dependent on my company making money, I would be *very* concerned about somebody breaking company policy like that, even if it's not coming out of my checking account. -RiffRaff
  • 109. Rental
    Guy calls in wanting to rent our cable modem. Fine. Doesnt want our service, just to rent the modem for $5/month. Not fine. Cant take a hint either that he needs to have our service to have our modem, So after 2 minutes of this I just hung up on him. He's not going to be our customer so I dont think I should waste time on him.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • it took 2 whole minutes to say, "No, we don't do that."? Wow, you are waaaaaay too polite. -scooby111
  • Yes, sir we can rent it to you, however there is a 10 month deposit! -billybien
  • I woulda made the "serviceless" surcharge the cost of the service -kmonson
  • 110. DUH???
    "My HDTV works when I hook it up through the coax everything is fine. When I hook it up thru the RCA's all I get is black&white."

    Me: Ok, so use the coax.

    EU:Oh.....ok. //click//

    Now did I really have to waste my oxygen to explain this to the guy? *sigh*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • you got off lucky. my luck would have been..."so I need to use the coax? Why? Why does the RCA give black and white?" me "I don't know, sir...use the coax." him "so I should use the coax?" me: kill. -nightmaredns
  • aren't you supposed to use RGB when connecting HDTV? -billybien
  • Using a connection that actually uses the HDTV features would make to much sense! -0110110
  • you CAN but only if you have a HDTV converter. -burrkiss
  • 111. who had the Miss CB part 2?
    The one where your tech played Darth Vador entrance music for her. So whats the latest scoop?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I think thats Zentar if I am not mistaken . -kennz
  • 112. My Numbers for Xmas
    121 (my half) Miles driven TO the inlaws for xmas
    242 miles driven FROM the inlaws
    120 Gigs in the HDD I got
    3 Bailies shots I had with the fatherinlaw
    2 hours spent watching LOTR-2 Towers (I fell asleep)
    3.5 hours spent driving alone back to Iowah before I get a phone call from my wife
    3 Number of legs my spawn has from the ultrasound my wife got from a family friend
    3,000,000 times I said "Its a boy hehe" on the last hour of my ride home.
    85 Times I got congratulated from the people at work after I stuck a giant "its a boy" sign up on the bulliton board.

    HEHEHE my wife is bringing back a VHS tape that they recorded the ultrasound back with. Apparently it was blatently obvious that it was a boy, unit QUITE obvious (BUHAHA THATS MY BOY!!!) and he also liked to show off the goods by having his legs spread a lot (BUHAHA THAT MY BOY!!!).

    Now to just figure out a name for him.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • It may have been a day late, but thats the best present I could have asked for. ITS A BOY!!!!! -burrkiss
  • one more congrats to you burr. -FrontSideBus
  • How about Dick? -billybien
  • Congrats! -Zaxtan
  • hehe many congrats! after four girls, when i had a late ultrasound unexpectedly (he wouldnt behave for the earlier ones!), the doctor said 'theres something you havent seen before on an ultrasound' - and there was, in all its glory:) hes six months now, and absolutely glorious!! -timelady
  • It gets better..go with her for the ultrasound and you'll hear the baby's heartbeat. I went with my wife to all of her appts for both of our kids. -Starfury
  • I had the opportunity THREE times to listen to the heart beat (sounds like the alien vessle in Star Trek 4) but EACH time, i was a total retard and forgot to bring the cassette recorder. <larts himself> -burrkiss
  • HAHAH!!! My son did the same thing. I could tell it was a boy from the monitor, and I was sitting far away from it. -Bobsentme
  • Congratulations, Burrkiss! Children are a blessing...esp for us single folk who get to hold them & play with 'em and hand them back to Mom & Dad when the trouble starts :D -Darth
  • Richard Longfellow. -dobbin
  • Burrkiss, did you go to Chicago, too? -Bioguy
  • Congrats Burrkis! -ltu1542hvy
  • congrats burrkiss... go to any more ultras... you won't forget it. I only made it to 6 of my 8 and I remember them all and regret those that I missed. Congrats again!!! -srteach
  • Burk, if they let you over there, you going in for the delivery? They let you cut the umbilical cord here, got to for 2 out of 3 or mine. It's pretty cool shit, and not at all what you'd expect. That damn thing is hard to cut, even with surgical scissors. (breaks out the chainsaw) -Ticketman
  • Congrats! May I humbly suggest "John Holmes Burkiss?" <g> -RiffRaff
  • Hey, Congrats Burrkiss. Hrm.. for a name, how about John Robert Burrkiss -Warrick
  • Ticketman - yeah, cutting the umbilical cord is something I'll remember for the rest of my life. Of course, when you make jokes like, "Corldess babies; what'll they think of next!" right after, it tends to make them treat you... oddly... -namor
  • More Burrkiss gas to fark up the ozone! -billybien
  • How about Ron Jeremy Burkiss? -LaserGuru
  • Sincerest congrats on your best Christmas gift ever, Burrkiss. Now to start molding him and watching him grow up to be a mini-Burrkiss BOFH. :) Just wait until he gets to the awkward PFY stage.... :) -stpatience
  • Congrats! Mine turned 3 months yesterday and I am thankful for every breath I watch him take. Go to every appointment, it lets the Dr. know you are going to be involved and they should treat you as an equal. Anyway, Congrats again and welcome to the club. -NoblesDad
  • 113. Not the brightest falling star
    Me=ME DA=Dumb A$$
    Me:Your bill prints on the 23rd. (its the 22nd today)
    DA:So, I will get it tommorrow?
    Me:No, It will PRINT tommorrow, it has to go in the mail after that
    DA:So I will get it on the 24th?
    Me:No mail usually takes 3-4 days and with xmas in here, you should get it next monday
    DA:So I will get it next monday?
    Me:YEAH {click}
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Sounds like he just wanted a date. Or even a guideline. -ShiftedBeef
  • or a clue -MaskedMarauder
  • 114. *sigh* telemarketers
    *ringring* (that special phone ring to tell you its long distance)

    Me:"Yeah what?"

    TM:"Hello is Jessica Burrkiss avail?"

    This is the 12th time I have gotten this call ME"No, is this about the special olympics thanks for buying PC World again?"

    TM"Yes is it, we just wanted to say........"

    "Yeah, look, this is the 12th time I have been called for you guys to say ;thankx; Take me off my list or I am NEVER going to donate money again to the Special Olymicpis. I dont think your company wants the guilt of little timmy not able to get the wheelchair cause you pissed me off by saying thank you 12 times."

    TM:"well I can certainly do that for you, and i understand your feelings"(OMMFG i totally HATE that line and now do something I probably wouldnt have done had i not just been woken up)" TM: May we leave you on the list for next year?

    ME:I know that they make you say that canned 'i love your feelings crap' as i am a CSR too. BUT if i EVER recieve another call EVER, timmy is going to have to hop his little ass down to the corner store cause i wont feel like donating $$ to get harrassed. Clear?"

    TM" Yes sir, we shall have you removed"

    Me: Thanks //click//

    Side note, IF they call again (any bets) I am going to have to stop my magazine subscription and then donate anomusionly cause i would feel like the biggest pud in the world. BUT DAMMMM 12 TIMES!!!!
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • TIMMAY!!! -dobbin
  • Awwwww but think of the children Burr, the CHILDREN !! please won't SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN !!! -LowLevelFormat
  • "RRRRRrrrr Rebbblah Rebblah Timmm-ah!" I still have telemarketors calling for the people who had my number THREE years ago (see my previous posts archive) Argh. -Zentar
  • Sure. I'll think of them. A little Mrs. Dash, some flour, a sprig of parsley, and a coupla drops of vanilla flavoring (natural, not imitation, please) and we're all set. Ahhh. I'm looking forward to dinner with my fuzzy and overly fanged friends. -TechnoVampire
  • I used to get a lot of charity calls. As they start their speil, I stop them by saying "How about I save your time and mine. I eat cup-noodles for dinner, and not because I like them." Most of the time they just hang-up. Also works for investment scams as well. -Wraith556
  • Gotcha beat, Zentar. I've lived in my house for 3 years, the previous person was there for 2 years, and I've had this number for 9 years. I'm still getting calls for folks who either lived here 6+ years ago, have the same last name (my first name is initial'd in the listings), or had this number 10+ years ago. -Mushroom
  • Got a cellphone a while ago - and started getting calls for a couple of people on it. We finally learned that the previous user had been a priest at a small local parish! Start answering unrecognizable calls as 'Satan speaking, howwill you serve us today?" and... they dry up... -namor
  • namor, I got ya beat. I keep an air horn by the phone. If I even think it is a telemarketer, they get it full-blast. -lancasterjl
  • My two favorite solutions, both start with me saying "Hang on let me get <whoever was asked for>": 1) Let my six year old pick up the phone and yap away, 2) Just put the phone down and wait for the TM to hang up on their own. Both waste their time and run up their cost of doing business. Funny how the number of calls I get these days seems to be less and less.... -virtualchoirboy
  • I honestly know what it's like on both sides of the coin, thus I answer it as truthfully as possible, usually I am not interested and will say as such. If I am bugged multiple times on the same night, I will tell them to remove me from the list ^_^ -Warrick
  • 115. Stupid pill in my tea today
    1st...I was inputting the satelight buyback discounts for a sub. This gives $25 credit over a 16 month period. $400 savings. I input all 16 as debits. This means that I charged him $400. My neighbor gets him on the phone as he just checked his bill on the virutal calling line and is understandably torqued. My neighbor is complaining about the 'idiot' that inputted the credits backwards. I laughed and said that I always have to input the credits slow cause I get confused.
    Neighbor:"Yeah If I find "TIB" im going to kick her in the rump"
    At this all my other coworkers start laughing (its a slow day everyone was listening) and I groaned.
    Me:TIB? Thats me.

    That was strike 1

    I inputted a work order for a tech since he called me instead of dispatch since they were busy. I didnt have any of the codes right so dispatch wandered back and asked "Can you fix this?" My LOVING co-workers started to laugh and they all said at the same time "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT HIM TO FIX IT?"....then they told the story over again. yippie. Strike 2

    I got off the phone with my wife and then walked right into the wall. Not 'clipped' not 'nudged heavily' WALKED INTO THE WALL. Half the damm building shook and so did the grey matter in my skull. Strike 3.

    I just tried some new tea, and I am seriously wondering WTF is in the 'herbal blend'.

    involintarily stoned in Iowah Burrkiss
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Aw, have a special brownie. Oops, maybe not. -Tekkie
  • That's why I don't dring tea. No caffeine to keep the old grey matter moving. -PsychoKittyB
  • It's Jamaican Gold Tea, donchya know mon? <g> -RiffRaff
  • You have a satellite dish on your sub? -LaserGuru
  • satelight buyback, a 16month contract to stay with us and we give you $25 over 16 months.=$400 -burrkiss
  • I was wondering what happened to my "special blend" -Darth
  • Keep away from incidental occurances of lipstick + nostrils because this is usually how one of my 'silly days' gets going. -CommanderData
  • Yay! "Special" tea for Burrkiss, sugar & sweeteners for CD (gibber, bounce, prrrrp) -lineswine
  • You're not doing too badly. I was talking to someone once, who after smoking certain substances decided that since the computer was down they had to make up for the lack of computer errors, and hand-wrote a bill for £1,000,000. -rurwin
  • 116. James Bond is the Devil
    I took a credit card payment today and the authorization number was 007666. This is a sign from Miss Cleo that James Bond is the Devil. Run girl run
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I have always been interested in little things like that...I also came up with the notion that if knowledge is power and absolute power corrupts absolutely, does that make God the ultimate evil? ;D -Darth
  • Was Noahs flood God formating the earth? ;o) -Waylander
  • I ordered food from a local fast food resturant here and the bill was $6.66 Since it was mexican fast food, it will very likely be doing something evil to me in a few hours. -MightyMouse
  • 117. stupid burrkiss strikes again
    Someone was passing around a old (20 yrs) pic of this hottie on a Harley. My supe passed it to me and I took one quick look at it, hit the mute button and said "Nice ass." and went back to my phone call. It was rather difficult to control the conversation sice everybody was laughing their asses off. My call ended and i turned around "So, let me guess, this is a pic of you?"

    Yup I just told my supe that she had a nice ass 20 years ago.

    Stop this world, I need to go home.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • LOL. I dont know what to say, other then good job :P -MrThou
  • So have the years been kind??? -hkypipe
  • Did you get a raise? <g> -RiffRaff
  • No, and no. -burrkiss
  • Oh, I found out that she was perching on the back of the harley (egro nice butt shot) trying to get a Oscar Meier Weiner hanging from a string with her teeth. YIKES!! -burrkiss
  • Thats not the kinda shot you wanna see of your Supe eh? -MrThou
  • Okay, kindly share. No use talking about it if we can't see for ourselves. :) -Mushroom
  • Burrkiss, I think it's time to open your mouth to change feet. -Wraith556
  • Got a scan of it? -TechnoVampire
  • Sorry dude, but try as I might I cannot stop laughing about that. -AceOfShades
  • Dude...! O_o;;'re still employed, right? And she hasn't slapped you with a harrassment suit? -snowcrash
  • 118. Missspeak
    Preface......My computer was pulling up the EU's info rather slow.

    EU:"Let me know when you get it up"

    Boy, when/where/who I get it up with is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • If it was a she: Was she cute? If it was a he: "hang on for just a minute while I put you on hold..." *xfer* -Mushroom
  • 119. Those Craaaaazy In-laws
    nice lady calls in about the 3 adult ppv's on her bill. I told her I could research them and find out exactly when they were ordered. She said fine. I look up the 1st one tell her 11-28 Saturday 2am.

    Nice Lady:"Thats when my inlaws were in town!!"

    Me:EWWWWWwwwwwwwwwww Yeah, I actually said that, didnt even THINK about hitting the mute button. Then I asked her if she really wanted me to finish looking up the rest of the adult PPV since "I dont feel good now".

    God I hate Monday.

    and if ANYONE says ANYTHING about "Having a case of the Mundays............"
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • This sounds just too much like an episode of Jerry Springer in the making! -ltu1542hvy
  • If you get a case of the Mundays, are you guarenteed to get the short packed, rare, glow-in-the-dark, sparkle clear pewter variant munday? -CarbonTetra
  • So did she get a refund? <g> -RiffRaff
  • You having a case of the... I recommend an increase in beer intake. -fearmyroot
  • (ralphs) That's not good man. -Warrick
  • Another reason to set a pin number for PPV. EWWWW kinky in-laws! -Bluetech
  • I can find anybody's PIN number for movies here in Fond du Lac. Charter has the same system: it's the last 4 digits of your home phone number. None of the users know how to change it, so I can go across the street, type in 9113, and watch a movie. Or, I can go down the street, type in 1147, and watch some pr0n. :D -catman1229
  • 120. Me? Idiot?
    Lady calls in asking if you can get HBO's without the digital box. Told her "no". She relays this to fuktard #2 who goes off on a tirade in the background and the words that I heard clear as day were "That guy is a fu###ing idiot."

    I asked the lady (Im having a crapola monday and am NOT in the mood for crapola today) "Did he just call me a idiot?"


    "Tell him that HE called ME and if he doesnt like the answer to change the way the world works. When he does that, my answer shall be "yes".

    Then I hung up.

    The only shinny tidbit in this day is that we launched Video On Demand today and the employees get to fiddle with it for 3 weeks for free. I cant arguee with free movies that play like a VCR and can be watched as many times as you want for a 24hr period.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • OOOOOoooooOoOoOOooooo.. snazzy... we've had that for a while here for the people I work for but I don't get to tocuh it. -Warrick
  • Good comeback. Nice way to adjust an attitude. -RiffRaff
  • "Oh no! You are NOT out of stock! You WILL find one and send it to me... NOW!" -cust, about an out-of-stock item she should have paid for 6 weeks earlier or it wouldn't have been out-of-stock. -Mushroom
  • Yaay.. thank god I don't work in SALES> -Warrick
  • Charter has some nice stuff over here. InDemand so you can watch a movie at the :00 or :30, or OnDemand so it's just like that - a VCR for 24 hours. -catman1229
  • <snort, giggle> Fuktard,,, I love it. -Hellion
  • 121. Door-to-Door
    Door to door always fuks up the install orders (usually lost) and then the sub calls back and yells at us when the box shuts off (it doesnt think it is supposed to be there Cause the order wasnt entered). So then we get the lovely process of entering the order (I input my sales # to take the commission, screw them.) It takes about 30+ minutes cause it sucks.

    1st call of the day was a 50 minute nightmare that has me spitting nails, as I dont do mornins well, and then this is my intro to the day. I have been talking smack about D2D all day.

    115 A guy whom i have never seen walks back with a work order in hand and says "I dont know if you guys can do this but...."

    Me: What did door to door screw the pooch again and I get to clean up?

    My supe promply sat down behind the devider and I could her the sounds of stifled laughter.

    The order wasnt entered AGAIN but this time the sub called the D2D rep's cell #. MUHAHA. So I take the order and start to work on it, then the D2D rep starts to leave.
    "WHOA, get back here." Dude turns around and looks at me.
    "Where is the serial # on this order? How am I supposed to get the box working if I dont have the ss#?"

    "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm" and that was a quote. The D2D called the sub to get the # off the bottom of the box, but she was old. So he gets to go back out there in the middle of a snow storm and look for her.

    My supe looks up from the devider with a smile and says "Yo got lots of attitude for a Saturday."
    Me: "yes, but you KNOW you wanted to do that yourself"

    My supe grins and sits back down.

    Moral? Dont piss on my Wheaties and expect me to have a smile for you 4 hrs later.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • lol, I do the same thing. When a starfish cable rep sends a customer over here to ask internet questions AFTER they set up the installation. I just slip in there, change the rep # and grab the $. It's only fair. I am, after all, closing the sale. -leonine
  • We have contracted door to door salesman and we constantly get customers calling back after they left. Cable boxes not hookedup correctly, service not active, and sometimes no idication they are even one of our customers. Yes, I too change sales numbers because if they are too stupid to do it right, I fix it for more money to me. -MightyMouse
  • Yeah, door to door people can be obnoxious, but so can lame install goats.. -Warrick
  • I had a supervisor at Radio Shack that would do that. However, she usually had nothing whatsoever to do with the spiffs she was swiping. (Saying "thank you, have a nice day" does NOT count as a customer contact, beeotch.) -Mushroom
  • 122. PFFFFFFFFFfffffftttttt As if
    Ok, management seems to think that I am going to work from 8am today to 11pm. (to cover the other dept having a Xmas party).......I flat out told them "im clocking out at 5pm. If you dont have the courtacy to ask me more than 30 minutes before the end of my shift, I dont have the courtacy to EVEN THINK ABOUT IT"

    Im going to have a rep for speaking my mind PDQ....or im going to be unemployed. BUT I aint working a 15 hr shift with 30 min. warning.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • actually this xmas we be clocking 11 hrs per day ! ahhh! -kennz
  • Aw Burrkiss, where is your company loyalty? I mean, after all, that's why they pay you the big bucks, right! </sarcasm> -ArnaldTPants
  • Is this good for the COMPANY?[/Office Space] -Darth
  • forced over time is, oh whats that word. . . . oh yeah, illegal -nm
  • At least where I worked last, I guess its not everywhere, fight the power! -nm
  • 15 HOURS?!? How great a job of troubleshooting do they think you'd be doing after 15 hours? I used to go crazy when I had to work 10. The worst I ever had to do was 3 12's in a row, and that was because of high volume, but NO WAY would I do 15 so someone else could have a stupid Christmas party! -ladysethos
  • I'd have told them blatently to fark off. -Warrick
  • Question??? . . . Is the last seven at time and a half pay? -lancasterjl
  • Unfortunately I'm stuck working the 25th... and the 26th, and the 27th, and the 28th... 12 hour shifts. But quite honestly, since it is technically my regular shift (weekends and holidays), I'll take it. Mmm, double-time-and-a-half... -AceOfShades
  • Mmmm, yeah, we're going to need you to come in on Sunday, yeah... so why don't you go ahead and come in then. [/Office Space] -Mushroom
  • Burn the building down and break out the wiennies and marshmelows. Fine I pull 12hr shifts but I signed up for that... 15hrs on only 30mins notice hell no, fark em, fark em real good. -fearmyroot
  • I got written up at a review by my last boss (who I still have evidence he is cheating on his wife and kids, whilst she is pregnant with their latest) because he asked me to do exactly the same thing as you burrkiss and I told him 'no, I have commitments this evening and I can't cancel them'. Now I have a boss who took one look at that report and tore it up because it was 'nit-picking crap'. I like my new boss. -CommanderData
  • 123. is 23 smaller than 22?
    To summarize a long debate with my customer, I told her repeatedly that basic tv is 2-22, your local/education/public access ONLY. After 3 times of saying 2-22, I changed to "channel 22 and lower" guess what the responce was boy&girls?

    "Do I get channel 23?"

    Ya know I accept that you may not know that NBC is on 4 and CBS is on 7, thats fine. All I expect is 2nd grade math skills and 2nd grade intellengce.

    Time to lower expectations again /sigh/
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • having any expectation above starfish yammering a lot is too high -nm
  • 23 is smaller than 22 in awg wire sizes -SGTARKyTEK
  • 22 may be larger than 23 for very large values of 22. :) -Robster2001
  • burrkiss, I'll just have my kid call in and ask questions of your techs--then they will have someone on the line who knows that 23 comes after 22!! ;) -snowcrash
  • Well, if the universe is infinite but bounded (i.e. closed as a sphere) and you can return to your starting point by going in one direction far enough, then you can draw an infinite-but-bounded number line, and if you go left from 22, past zero, and keep going past negative infinity, then you can get to 23 by going less than 22. It will just take some time. Okay, a lot of time. Okay, for freakin' ever, but it IS possible that, if the universe is infinite-but-bounded, 23 is less than 22. However, I don't think your luser is up to that Einstein-Hawking kind of logic. -Captain Trips
  • 124. Question
    Do we have anyone geeky enough to have the answer to my quandry? Im looking at getting a good midrange ~$150 US vid card. I know what ram/core speed/memory speed/bit rate are, but for the life of me i have no friggin clue what "parrallel pipelines" are. Whats the dif from 4 to 8? I even googled and got zip, and thats a first.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • - looks like multi-threading type architecture? -namor
  • <br> <br> google has more with more defined answers click on the link that says did you mean -postal tech
  • OK, "Parallel Pipelines" are pipes that run next to eachother. The difference between 4 and 8 = 4 - 8 = -4. I hope this helps. -Bioguy
  • namor that link was WAY over my head. I saw the words 'temporal', 'spatial', intratask' brain shut off. -burrkiss
  • I have seen 9600XTs at around $150 these days, get one of those! -nm
  • Burrkiss, thing to remember is that modern graphics cards are really special-purpose computers, with major features having to do with rendering surfaces in various lightings and support for 3d rendering and texture mapping and all that good stuff. A pipeline is of course how the graphics make their way from the memory to the screen, being rendered as they go. In theory, 8 parallel pipelines should be able to paint the screen twice as fast as 4. In fact, all that functionality only comes in handy when you're playing heavy games; and even there, you won't get the theoretical doubling that the pipeline count suggests. -chazz
  • ROFL @ Bioguy. The information specialist. <g> -RiffRaff
  • ROFL @ Bioguy. The information specialist. -RTFM
  • 125. Almost got unemployed
    There was a screaming man up at the front counter who was arguing with the supervisor on duty about the 6 adult ppv that were ordered. It was getting kinda loud, so I took myself off the phone to lend my body size (6'2" 210) to the company presence there. I began to walk over to the other front desk lady and pretend to have a conversation, but when I walked thru the door I got a "What are you looking at?"

    I have not got the slightest clue as to WHY I said this in front of my dept supe, but I answered his question.

    Me: "A man trying to preserve his marriage by denying that he ordered adult PPV and taking out on us."

    The man cursed right into my steady gaze and I was half afraid he was going to try and jump the counter and try kicking my butt. He ended up calling me a VERY unique name and storming out.

    Now I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not have to look my dept supe in the eyes, but in a very quiet voice she said

    "very office now"

    I wanted to cry, I have never felt so stupid in my life, one sentance was going to cost me my job. I ended up getting a verbal thrashing of a life time and took it all without question, which probably saved my job. I apologized to her told her I was just trying to lend my presence to avoid a problem if he got outta hand, but I forgot to bite my tounge. She said she knows but still has to give me a verbal warning but will 'forget' to file it.

    SOMEONE up there likes me.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • In both situations I think you and your Supe did the right thing. Thankfully we don't have any problems like that (being as we don't do face to face here) :) However, if they did, my high pitched voice is attached to a 300lb+ frame which is 6'0" :) Yeah I am overweight but would you really REALLY wanna argue with someone that big if you could avoid it? -Warrick
  • " I'm not overweight, I'm under-tall." (of course, I'd have to be in the neighborhood of 11'8" to be HWP, but...) -obie099
  • I'm not big or bulging with muscles, but I do have the advantage of my federal "sabbatical" experience. The correct facial expression and proper control of voice can intimidate the uninitiated just as effectively as muscle bulk. Magenta will tell you that I won't hesitate to fall into that mode if I feel the need to do so. -RiffRaff
  • pure "non-expression" works well, with the proper gaze of "i dont want to kill you and eat your liver today, dont make me" -burrkiss
  • Exactly, burkiss. Also, speaking very softly and matter-of-factly is much more effective than screaming death threats. -RiffRaff
  • One's voice can be a very effective tool in plying the weak willed, I agree. :) -Warrick
  • I think this supe deserves a *very* special present this Xmas, if company policy doesn't forbid it. -CTYankee
  • Wouldnt it be great if we could be that truthful to all those customers that deserve it? -firebird2k2
  • Wouldnt it be great if we could be that truthful to all those customers that deserve it? -firebird2k2
  • I stare them down, and say nothing. Makes you look like a maniac -CommanderData
  • Fair play on both your parts - your supe had to "toe the company line", but she did manage to bend the said line a bit in your favour. As for you? Well, it did get rid of a tosser cleanly, swiftly & with no loss of blood. I'd call that a good outcome myself. -lineswine
  • We turn unruly customers over to Pam, a mid-50's lady who is about 5' and maybe 95 lbs on a damp day. Heaven help the customer who crosses Pam. -Grembo
  • I tend to go with the expressionless stare. Of course, the fact that I'm 6'5", 250 lbs., and routinely go to the gym helps a little bit. <bfeg> -ThirdOfFive
  • Close one, Burrkiss. Gotta admit, I've been there too. My nickname "Bear" came for a reason. When we get an irate male onsite, I like exit out back, and walk in the front door and step in behind them. Close. With my arms crossed. And a big frown on my face. Calmes them right down... usually. And if they mouth off, I just look at them. Mean like. In all my life, it only failed once. And that guy only got one hit in before he experienced a bear hug he will never forget. -CyBear
  • 126. I break You fix
    This.....female calls in with a problem. She had just moved her entertainment center, and now the coax from the wall doesnt reach the converter.

    Me:"Since there is nothing wrong with the cable service, then there would be a $27.50 charge for the tech to come out and rewire things for you."

    Female:"Your not listening to me. You are to do as I say pal ( Did she just call me PAL??) and I am telling you to do your job and your service sucks.

    I bite through her imanginary jugular and spit the flesh in her face
    Me:" If you like, goto Best Spy and purchace the length of coax you want and do it yourself"

    Female:You get out here and do your job

    Note, Ive had it....Me: Did everything work before you rearranged your living room?"


    Me: Does it work now?

    Female: How many times do I have to tell.... I cut her off

    It worked before, you messed it up, we WILL come out and fix your mess and we WILL charge you

    Female:I want your supe

    Me:I am

    Female:Cancel my service, I hate you guys

    Me: Ok, I can get someone out there Monday to get the box and cut everything off and I will postdate the billing to today. Anything else?

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • wait until monday when she calls up to complain about the man removing the box, maybe he can pull the wire from the wall too -postal tech
  • I love being in a "No Threat Zone" BUHAHAHAH -burrkiss
  • farking bitch.......... -Bunglehawk069
  • Seaward starfish. :) If that provider is anything like the cable TV guy the previous owner of this house had, she's in for a surprise. When we looked at this house, it had cable TV. When we moved in, things didn't look right. Seems that when the woman cancelled her service, instead of just turning off the line they CUT IT AT THE EAVES. They took away the wire from the pole to the house, leaving a bare coax end under the gutter (which ran into the attic, then down to all the jacks in the house). -Mushroom
  • I've had this lady too. It's very petty, I mean.. they act like it's hard for them to do it or they'll get electrocuted. As I tell my sub's "Listen, I'm a woman, I've done it myself BEFORE working here. Just tell Worst Buy or Ripoff Shack you want a coaxial cable [insert length]. If you have any problems, we can tell you how to hook it up, were here 24/7 and it won't cost you 30 USD" It's the same with the people who want a tech to install a dig. box. Like it's that hard right? Meh, keeps us employed I guess... alas. -Zentar
  • <rant mode=high> What is *with* these DIFM women? Back in my grandmother's day, women worked in factories and raised families and planted victory gardens and provided their own tech support! You didn't hear them complaining about it, and none of them demanded a tech to come out to their house and fix things!<./rant> -snowcrash
  • Reminds me of when I was helping a friend move his kit around to accommodate a new TV. Knowing precisely what was needed to connect the cable TV box, I called a very-local aerial fitter to get the right cable with the right plugs. He asks "what is this for?"... I explain, he says "it's not that kind of cable. If you can find out from (cable company) what it is, I might be able to help further."... but (cable company) were not willing to give that information - no, they expected me to agree to them sending someone out to deal with it, chargeable. They said that if I *DID* sort it out myself and (using this as a threat) it caused any problems, they would send a bill for any work I caused them. I then reminded them that they were the company that left someone's cable modem disconnected after installing the TV box, despite fitting the splitter, and that any charge they made to me for anything would be challenged. Still no joy, so I contacted another local aerial installer, who said "yes, it is just that kind of cable... we can have one ready for you in half an hour."... collected it, installed it... it worked perfectly, and still does to this day. My friend was affected, for the first time since installation, by a cable TV outage later that week... but it was a general fault, nothing to do with my cabling. So take that, (cable company), this is someone who has corrected *your* farkups before and knows what he's doing! -EmleyMoor
  • 127. 241
    Two For One

    I am cursed. We have a very slow day today.
    F.Y.I. Slow day=good
    The quality of calls is bad. Im talking dosies. Like the ones that make stories. Im running like 50% ratio today. I seriously think that I have gotten a anurizm from the people that make a major mountain out of a mole hill.

    Stuff like "My bill comes out on the 24th. I havnt gotten it yet" Side note it is the 26th today. I couldnt get lady to understand TIME. I was trying to ed a 'fish about the intricacies of TIME. I didnt win. I was right, but I didnt win.

    Easement. This is the chuck of land ~5ft perimiter around your property that ANY utility can use. You have no say. Guy calls in saying we should move the pedistal (underground node for cable) cause he doesnt like it there. This would cost $1k - $2k. After explaining the basics of terirroty to him, he tells me he will keep hitting the ped with his lawnmower and we will be out a lot to fix it. Told him we would be out to fix it a lot and we would bill him every time for about $2k. Sub blew up and started swearing, so I got to discon.

    It is now 4 hrs later than I started this story, and I cant remember the other 4 that have melted my brain.

    I am sure more to come

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Man, and I was annoyed by the fire b*tch... -Zentar
  • I like the 'tell the truth and piss them off so they swear and then discon them' technique -burrkiss
  • The only good luser is a dead luser. -RiffRaff
  • Sadly I'd have (if I had the authority) told this schmuck that if he kept hitting the post and damaging it as he said, he would basically be damaging our property, and thus liable for damage... Hehehe that's AFTER we disconnect him and arrange if viable to have his a$$ black ball listed -Warrick
  • Burrkiss, here's a whole pan of special brownies. Hope you have the Turkey Day off and can rest your liquified brain. -snowcrash
  • 128. Cable programming
    GAWDDAMMIT. PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN THAT THE CABLE COMPANY IS LIKE A ROAD. WE DONT CONTROL WHO THE #%#@ DRIVES ON IT.....i.e. If the Hawkeye game runs over on FOX, then IT AINT MY PROBLEM AND STFU AND CALL FOX. /end rant after arguing with a cun* for 15 minutes, then hanging up on her/
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • It's even worse explaining to little old church ladies that the POS, tiny, little religious station is broadcasting a shitty signal to the cable company, so that is what the cable company sends you. -MightyMouse
  • I'll never forget "Can you stop showing reruns on TVLand?" -Zentar
  • "How do I get the TV Guide channel to stop scrolling?" -billybien
  • 129. Child interpertor with attitude
    Kid (12)calls in to check and see what it will take to get cable service reconnected for his father (nonpay discon). I ask if his father is available to speak to and kid says
    "I can tell you everything that is needed, my father doesnt speak english"
    Me: Ok fine, what is the last 4 of the social security number for your father?
    Kid: 867-5309
    Me: $150 owed for service to get turned back on
    A bunch of arguing goes on for about a minute
    Kid: I need to know the breakdown of the bill
    I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say this goes on for ~15 minutes. There is more than the father and kid, there becomes like a whole family arguing with me though the kid interperotr. It becomes quite obvious to me that the kid is about to snap by the tone of his voice when speaking to family. Family doesnt have the intellience to get the hint (surprise a stupid family calling me). The following is as close to a verbatium qutoe that I can remember from the kid interpertor

    Kid" YOU ALL ARE A BUNCH OF #$#^% IDIOTS. NO CABLE FOR YOU!!!" ..../click/

    Now, I was laughing my a$$ off, cause this is EXACTLY what I wanted to say

    I now feel kinda like Michael Jackson, cause I liked the size of the kids balls
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <nazi type="soup">No cable for you!</nazi> -mhesseltine
  • Good one on the kid! I hate when deadbeats make thier kid call in. Or say "Oh my kid needs to watch Nicklodeaon" (I can't farking spell). I feel like saying, "No you f*ck, your kid needs food, water, clothes and shelter everything else is f*cking extra. If you can't afford f*cking cable, don't have it." -Zentar
  • What time is bedtime at MJ's? When the big hand touches the little hand. -Alternatech
  • Yes, that boy's got some brass cajones and I like that in a lad. We know who wears the (extended front) pants. [Oh, BTW, MJ went to Kmart because he'd heard that boys' jeans would be half-off.] -Mushroom
  • God I love these kids... they help make the day so enjoyable. -Warrick
  • What did MJ say when he was sinking in the ocean? "Throw me a boy!" -Zentar
  • What school did MJ go to? Bringem Young! -Clavenater
  • 130. survey
    Who works what style of company? ie cable tv/ISP/computer maker/part maker etc.

    Exact names are not desired.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I work for an ISP.. -Zaxtan
  • isp -Servo
  • cable company -burrkiss
  • Chain of Bookstores, Tech Support. -Bobsentme
  • Cable tv, High speed internet, and Telephone over cable. -atomicbill
  • Cable ISP -CallDawg
  • outsourced for an ISP -areatech
  • Cable TV and Inet -MightyMouse
  • ISP -RiffRaff
  • Phone vendor, technical/customer services... -snowcrash
  • Computer software manufacturer, primarily. Small company, so "other duties as assigned" means computer dogsbody. -chazz
  • printer manufacturer -LaserGuru
  • ISP(sorta) among other things University of Alaska Anchorage- Open Labs Consultant -axjdo
  • networking company techsupport -kennz
  • previously an assistant field computer tech -kennz
  • was cable isp tech support... now, bum... -DedSysOp
  • ISP that offers dialup, DSL, ISDN, webhosting, VoIP, etc. -letsgoflyers81
  • i used to work for a outsourcer to msn and dell, then a local isp now i work at the 10th level of hell-a university. -postal tech
  • ISP -ThreeBucks
  • Former: ISP. Present: janitorial and online books-etc seller. -Mushroom
  • Electronics recycling company as Corporate IT department. Yes, just me <sigh>. -Tekkie
  • ISP -rockytech
  • Small computer/network integrator. (fancy name for support) -CTYankee
  • Internal support for a large legal firm that no-ones ever heard of -GrumpyOldMan
  • Internal support for a large legal firm that no-ones ever heard of -GrumpyOldMan
  • Bugger - how'd that happen? -GrumpyOldMan
  • Internal support for a hospital. -pcmacman
  • Manufacturer of industrial metrology equipment. -mhesseltine
  • ISP and Computer Store -DataSolutions
  • outsourced tech support, done for s*c, working for s*kes -HappyCrappy
  • Previously sales and support in a store that last I heard went out of business. -AceOfShades
  • internal Help Desk at a hospital -grrltechie
  • ISP: dial-up, dsl, cable, domain, webhost, 'customer service', after hours billing .... don't you love graveyard? -daeglo
  • Helpdesk for a large medical group. -Starfury
  • Previous until two months ago: Helpdesk for government contractor. Now: Temp gig installing new PCs for different government contractor (plus occasional Helpdesk tickets). Also, but not often: Freelance tech support (consultant). -BayouTech
  • Private consulting -grahamwboyes
  • Outsourced first line phone support for several type of products: e.g. PC's sold in computer chain stores and supermarkets (you can guess the starfish level on those calls!), wireless network products etc. Handling calls from several countries, so switching daily between four languages. Interesting but tiring! -NordicPT
  • according to management its an "Online Service"...... -GefahrMaus
  • ISP -drachen
  • Telephone company/ISP combination. -teivrann
  • Network admin for a manufacturing company... -hkypipe
  • Freelance IT support & cat 5 cabling guy. I do short term contracting for the highest bidder too. (Geek for hire!) -lineswine
  • H.A.L -fearmyroot
  • Unofficial internal database support for a large transport monopoly in the u.k. -CommanderData
  • Day job is with ASDA (owned by Wal*Mart, Yay!) but also just started my own little PC company. -ElPolloDiablo
  • ISP outsourcer. "Your email address ends in Hold on..." 'Hey did we just acquire another crappy little ISP?' -Phssstpok
  • satellite tv -Eloewien
  • Dasy job is tech support and sys admin for a University. Also do some freelance tech support for small companies. -ltu1542hvy
  • Previously, worked for outsourced tech support for computer manufacturer, now tech support for cable Internet ISP Meep Meep... -stpatience
  • Field Service Rep for a Large laboratory analyzer manufacturer. -Bioguy
  • full time job - broadband ISP on the side work.. network admin / web admin/ computer support. on site stuff. -Harm
  • Deep discount clothing retailer/computer operator and part-time help desk -Captain Trips
  • Rollout tech currently... -maidtina
  • Cable ISP in Pennsyltucky -Clavenater
  • Unemployed freelance -Splunge
  • i do support for a major US phone company for residential DSL -Deimios
  • Voice recognition training and tech support. -Chewdini
  • Dialup and DSL ISP. Also run my own onsite computer service in evenings. -RePo
  • Internal support for a multi-state Blue Cross company. -Robster2001
  • Cable Isp -Cube
  • Local ISP/telco -namor
  • cable co./isp -phsspok
  • Product TS for a serial hardware mfr. -pixel
  • Accounting Firm, 2nd level Local Desktop Support -Alternatech
  • cable tv/phone/internet -rokitt
  • Law Firm - Help Desk. -da5ve
  • Computer Maker, but we support ALL hardware and software we sell. -MaskedMarauder
  • Law Firm - Internal HD... Helping lawyers who can't find their ass with 2 hands and a flashlight since Feburary... -BunnieTechBabe
  • Large company, outsourced to another large companies internal support. -TechnoVampire
  • Civil Engineering company, mostly writing code, but also TS, Sys Admin, and PFY rolled into one. -ThirdOfFive
  • cable tv-internet -billybien
  • Internal Helpdesk, international health company based in the states -foebea
  • 131. MTGO
    Well, who here plays MTGO? I know obviosly a few of us do, judging by the prev posts. But I throw this on the table. We make a clan all are welcome to join. My online name is 'burrkiss' (origional I know). I will leave the game running as much as I can today, just message me.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • ok, gotta ask...what game is that? -phsspok
  • I just play magic offline -nm
  • magic the gathering online -burrkiss
  • never tried the online version. i like having a table in front of me :) -marionette
  • OH MY GOSH. Very nice indeed. I didn't even know there was an online version. I haven't played MTG in over 6 years. No need to worry about dusting off my alpha set. Now I can do it online. Very nice. -suprtechy26
  • just downloaded the game and am poking around with it a bit. seems a bit interesting but (i know i'm lame) i don't have the 10$ to spend on it at the moment -marionette
  • I used to play it when it first came out. It got too crazy after a while. Almost like the company was just churning out new cards to make a quick buck... nah. Anyway, there got to be way too many cards and they were costing way too much. -scooby111
  • WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!?!?! You have ALPHA Cards!?!?!? Do you have ANY clue what those are worth now? -MaskedMarauder
  • Birdshit, to most people. -Mushroom
  • Hello, Alpha set, HOw do i have to kill to get some? -lancasterjl
  • When the Worldcon was in Glasgow a few years back they had a poster up with the very apt typo "Wizards of the Cost" -Zoomer
  • I love MTGO... -Veinor
  • 132. Yeah, listen
    Just had a person who's 1st words outta her mouth were 'Yeah listen blahblahblah'.. Nothing, and I mean nothing will torque my divx quicker than those words.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Torque my divx . . . I gotta remember that one. -DarthLuke
  • But what does that mean? -PaseoGuy
  • Howabout the ones that start off with "Um Um Um Um" Whiskey Tango Foxtrot are you, Six?! And the kicker: "Hello" has 2 less syllables! It's like her brain went into stall! Just give 'er a little gas sweetheart, careful not to flood it. -CarbonTetra
  • torque my divx.... does that also give rise to "loosen my xvid" ? Hehe -OzarkBard
  • 133. Yeah, I heard about you guys.
    Guy calls in 53 days deliq. Had service 53 day. Got his modem/cable box wacked. Never sent in a payment EVER. After politely explaining that we WONT turn on equip till we get the $$$ in our hot little hands, EU comes up with this gem, "Yeah, I heard about you guys".....Well, I had a bad day and this slipped right out "What, that we dont give out free cable and internet to people who dont pay?".....EU:"Why you little motherfu#### ME:"This call is being disconnected for language " {BMFG} God I love being a dick, I just hope I wasnt being monitered
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Want another satisfying crunch? </snickers> -miharu
  • Dude! :) Stick it to 'em; gawd knows I'd like to give these externals a piece of my mind. (It'd be the only piece they'd get.) -snowcrash
  • All of that "Be nice to the customer" while they shit all over you is a total load of horse shit. (I know, the preceeding was a little redundant. Shut up.) The customers need to get slapped down hard when they start acting stupid. I think that a lot of the problems this country has can be traced to corporate policies of "the customer is always right" that have done nothing but train several generations of Americans that they have a right to be whinny, freeloading leaches. <rage subsiding, heartrate decreasing... I feel better now> -Bioguy
  • Technically since he hadn't paid yet, is he even a customer? :) -Jay911
  • The truth hurts, doesn't it, sir? <g> Nice job, dude! -RiffRaff
  • If QA get on your case about it, simply tell them you've save the company from yet another deadbeat & it means one more connection free for a paying customer. -lineswine
  • If the collections department can say that, why can't you? -billybien
  • I'm with Jay911 on this one.....if he hasn't bothered to pay you after 53 days, he's a thief, not a customer. -karlata
  • 134. Mix & Match
    Mix & Match info......... Ridge DR Waterloo Jim Johnson......."ummm whats the street address?"...... Jim Waterloo 319-233-1255.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Duhh... -PaseoGuy
  • 135. Survey again,
    Survey I would like to know what companies OFFSHORE. As I will not buy their products. We should all look at this list in a day and print it out.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Hell, Gayway, HP Compaq -Servo
  • NCR outsourced their call center to India. -Bobsentme
  • capital one -postal tech
  • everyone and their mothers it seems -nm
  • Looks like you won't be buying anything, including food and clothing. -robbor
  • Unfortunately, I ran into this while selling cars in Phoenix. "Excuse me, sir, you want a car made only in America? 'Fraid I can't help you there; have a nice day, sir. Yes, I know this is a Chevy dealer. Which of our products do you think symbolizes the great American car, sir? The Camaro? Fine, follow me." <Points to MSRP sticker where it lists manufacturing: 17% Japan, 9% Mexico> Then I was supposed to launch into a lecture about global economy. I wasn't a very good salesman. -RiffRaff
  • Well, I live in Mexico and we are finding that most of the stuff comes from China. That means bad quality, smuggled cheapo products that compete against our no-credits/legal-importing/highly-taxed companies' ones. Even a lot of maquiladoras are running away, so these jobs are being lost too. Believe me that I find solace in reading TSC. Your troubles with Starfish are funny and very far away from this rality. And Riffraff and CD are the best. -Vulture
  • Notgear -billybien
  • Have a couple of friends working in a call centre for NCR in Canada, here, actually. -namor
  • 136. Yo Hawk
    I really think that Miss Cry Baby needs her own section. I mean at least 3% of the volume is CB.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I'm sorry, I have to argue against that. I understand that she is creating the volume... but her stories fit in to the existing categories so perfectly... -chazz
  • Actually, as has been suggested by numerous people, CD needs to put together an entire website of "The Misadventures of Miss Cry Baby." -RiffRaff
  • I'd donate server space! -grahamwboyes
  • Erk. You are so right. Now how about stumping up for CD's prescription medication bills as well? *starts twitching*..... -CommanderData
  • I like hot chicks who twitch... <bfg> -LaserGuru
  • 137. Magic smoke
    Case notes "MEGAN CALLED IN USING A HUB NO LIGHTS ON THE HUB... HER HUB WAS BURNED OUT SMELLED FUNNY SUGGESTED LOOKING INTO ANOTHER HUB OR ROUTER..." If a piece of electronic equipment let out the magic smoke, dont call me, go buy another.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Must've been a NetGear... >:~/ -RiffRaff
  • Nah, keep the old one. It'll make a lovely paperweight. -scooby111
  • magic smoke? lol magic smoke, time for me to go make my own magic smoke in my lungs, hey burkis (sounding it out as the robot voice does) do you want to go puff our own magic smoke. lol smoke! -blindtech
  • Puff Puff GIVE foo!!!! -burrkiss
  • How the hell can a hub smoke without a light? -billybien
  • <smokey>Puff, puff, give! Puff, puff, give! C'mon, man, you're f$#@king up the rotation!</Smokey> -PaseoGuy
  • 138. !@^&!#$^ Trekkie Bikers
    Ok, so here I am driving to my dad's house over lunch to get free food. Happy drinking my Root Beer while scanning the road for anomilies.

    Oh, look whats that biker got on his head? A biker helmet, ah good choice for saftey. WTF??

    Cough, Sputter pop sprays onto my windshield. Car weaves as the driver tries to control coughing spasmsm.

    I slow down to look closer at this goobs dome. Yes, I was right. There is a 3' long Voyager on the top of his helmet.

    I wanted to follow this guy till some REAL bikers get a look at him and teach him about 'where no man has gone before'.

    If this was any of my fellow TSC members, please dont admit to it. I DO like Star Trek, but I draw the line at pointy ears, models ontop of helmets, etc.

    Beam me up scotty, this planet is farked.

    BTW that pop was really sticky and I spent 30min of my lunch hour cleaning up my car.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I'll be on the lookout for that guy, Burrkiss. I want a helmet like he's got. -Bioguy
  • Ahh! The advantages of Diet drinks. No sticky sugar mess. -Wraith556
  • Unless, of course, you count the effect on the internal organs of aspartame. -teivrann
  • I know a fellow biker who has a little red light on top of his helmet! He looks like an idiot from some B grade sci-fi movie! -robbor
  • teivrann, I drink 2+ litres of Diet Coke every day. I've been drinking "Diet" drinks since I was 8. 26+ years on, I think any effects would have shown by now. -Wraith556
  • 139. Pissing contest. for build your own
    I recycled my old Antec 860 case (very nice 5 spots for 80mm fans, 2 front 2 rear, 1 for HDD), my CD-Roms, my 2 40GB HDD, and 64 MB Vid card,keyboard, monitor, mouse etc. I bought a Abit IS7 mobo ( $80) P4 2.4Ghz ( $200) and 512MB 400 Mhz RAM ($80). Total bill $360 and the only thing I really need is a DVD RW/CDRW combo, but thats on the Xmas list . Moral of the story? goto and recycle your stuff!!!
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Yah sure, burrkiss, but with these damn paws and claws, it's hard to manage those little screws. Good luck on your rebuilt toy! -CyBear
  • You people in the US/Canada definetly seem to have the advantage when it comes to hardware prices, even recycling keyboard/mouse/case I'd have trouble doing the same. Unless is was a P4'B' instead of a 'C' but even then I'd be pushing it. -fearmyroot
  • I just spec out what I want and then go to pricewatch and find the lowest price available. -scooby111
  • much <3 for the newegg mailing policy -Issyl
  • "much <3"? -obie099
  • 140. Im bored
    Any recomendations on what I should do? There has been like a call every 15 minutes.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Oh, please, someone amuse burrkiss! He's turning into, like, a Valley Girl. -Tekkie
  • how about we swtich i get another call as soon as i am done with the current one! -Servo
  • Post your TS number here. You'll have more calls than you know what to do with. <g> -RiffRaff
  • I'm with RiffRaff on this one....give us the number and you'll get a whole series of "It just don't work." *bg* I know I'D be glad to do that at least...just to amuse you, of course. =) -techiegoddess
  • We're not kidding, I've got lots of calls to foreward your way... what's that number? -KuroTaka
  • <Fingers hover near fowarding button> Hmm? You can always surf some porn. -scooby111
  • 1-800-800-CABLE -burrkiss
  • -micko210
  • -Wiser
  • repeat to yourself, I am grateful for small miracles. Then jump on the web and browse for porn. It's what I do. -wedge
  • 141. Dont play with me
    I am trying to get the address outta this lady "Ok, so whats your address?"
    "123 6th st,12345"

    Im sorry, that isnt in the system.
    "Oh, wait its 123 8th st,12345"

    No, thats not it either
    "Im sure its 123 A st,12345"

    Side note, Im getting pissed off

    WHAT is the address
    "555 8th st,123456!!!"

    Dont play with me *click*
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • <blam> Did I hit it? <blam> How about now? <blam> Come on, I have to have hit the side of the barn by now! <Blam><Blam><Blam> <click><click> Me: "Try opening your eyes." -scooby111
  • Now come on, be nice to the fishies. After all when you have trouble remebering your name, your address is a big ask dont you think -raggi
  • 142. Name dropper
    Guy calls in with a deliq bill that shut off his digital and internet.
    waa boohoo sob whaaaa
    ME: Sir policy states that you need to pay the deliq amt or service will not be turned back on period.
    Fast forward 5 minutes
    EU:I know Mr. BlahBlah and he is the head of your dept you need to fix this or I will report you to him

    O really?
    Me:Then call him and have him yell at me for disconnecting you.

    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • ROFL... Beautiful! -RiffRaff
  • Your my hero <sniff> very sweet. -Zero
  • K1W1 give bows and gives polite golf clap -K1W1
  • Now THAT one I have GOT to remember!!! Pure genius there Burrkiss! -TheSingingTech
  • Wicked comeback! -Tekkie
  • Me: "Do you know who you're talking to?!?!" -- EU: "No and-" -- ME: "Good!" <click> -scooby111
  • So awesome :D -Jester
  • *sheds tears of joy* Yes, bravo, bravo! one luser down 5 billion to go -crackshot
  • 143. Telemarketer part 2
    Same beginning as the prev post

    "Cable company Burrkiss speaking"

    I can hear lots of noise in the background like a telemarket company"Ummmmmmm is this a business?"


    "Sorry" *click*

    At least they are getting smarter.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • does that mean that if we want peace and quiet, we should answer our home phones with "XYZ telemarketing company, how may I help you?" :P -Mephiston
  • I answer differently a whole lot of the time, depending what I feel like. If you ever call some place in the middle of Canada at random, and hear someone pick up, give a blood-curdling scream, and yell into the background in a hillbilly accent, "Gawrsh, Joe, layoff the lube, willya? The dog's getting a hernia!" then we've been introduced. -namor
  • My favourite reply to telemarketers (etc) is: "I eat cup-noodles, and NOT because I like them". Means I'm so poor I can't afford whatever their speil is about. -Wraith556
  • Then there was the time I got a telemarketing call at work for direct tv. Poor basted didn't know what to say when I told him they called a cable TV company. -nascar
  • My mother got this call once. She was on speaker so I can verify it. "Hello Mrs. Smith. I'm from.....Hi, I'm from....from...uh....I'm...uh...look, Mrs. Smith, how about we call you back?" My very puzzled mother goes, "OK!" Never heard from them again. -grahamwboyes
  • Like I said the other day, I got some nut trying to push his spiel on me on 911 the other day (he misdialed the 912 area code - if anyone in GA got asked recently if they're interested in aftermarket appearance products for their new BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche vehicle, you've talked to this clown). And this was AFTER I told him he'd misdialed and reached 911. -Jay911
  • Graham, that call sounds like ti was from an outsourcer. I know I have answered "thank you for calling... um...uh...***** Internet." -Phssstpok
  • 144. ID10T
    I just had the dept head come in and tell us that there is a new error in the CSG. The ID10T. I just about sh!t myself. Fortunatly, the dept head knew that it was a bogus error becuase I stood up and said
    "I have NEVER had that error"
    Then she and I had a good laugh, since no one else knew it was a bogus error code.
    I then told her about the PBCAK error. She got a kick outta that too.
    I was wondering if there are anymore errors out there that you guys know of.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • yes-dobhik--drooping breasts hitting keyboard -postal tech
  • I always called it PEBKAC- Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair. -scooby111
  • It's a little obvious when spoken so you have to say it somewhat quickly and with some kind of accent, but there's the "usuk" factor (or error) which was invented by a friend of a friend -AceOfShades
  • I/O Error = Idiot Operator -RiffRaff
  • We have an I/O error but it stands for Invalid Operator (pronounce IN va lid). -Tekkie
  • Keyboard to user interface error. =) -techiegoddess
  • I once told our VP-of-Operations he had an ID10T error in his PEBKAC and needed to adjust his RTFM. He had a big laugh when I explained it. -Brf
  • PICNIC error: Problem in Chair, Not in Computer -Number42
  • ESTU - Equipment Superior to User... -Wonko The Sane
  • 145. I hate people
    Im typing this as I listen to this grade A moron try to rewire his tv/vcr/cable box.
    Sub calls in to see why his digital is working. I do the usual troubleshooting song and dance.
    TV on channels 3
    Is the TV on channel 3?
    Is the power light on the box?
    Is it hooked up to the coax?

    This dorkwad just paid the minimum needed to get the box turned back on and was told 'all I have to do is pay the bill and it will work'
    Yeah moron if you wernt a farkwit
    OK NOW This waste of flesh just told me that he cant find all the wires
    (survey says?) PROBLEM #5
    Im getting tired of typing, so Im going to roll a truck for this oxygen breathing rock and charge him $50/ hr to do this and mark the work order to take at least 2 hours.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Deep breathes, man deep breathes. Watch, I'll show you how. <deep breath, exhale slowly> Feeling better, hmmm? -Tekkie
  • Deep breaths with some chemical hallunicigens applied orally? SURE!!! ..........*coughcough* -burrkiss
  • I feel sorry for you, I did TV installation/deliveries for 5 years, some of those guys are dumber than starfish. On the upside if you're doing it over the phone you don't needed to worry about getting your flea colars before heading over. -fearmyroot
  • 146. Im going to cry soon
    Right after my last post, I get the upright troglodite.
    I have spent the last 15 minutes trying to explain to her that you have to hit "TV then POWER" to turn the TV on OR off.
    Then you hit CABLE to change the friggin channels.....This caused her confusion as she was still in the TV mode since SHE WOULDNT STFU AND LISTEN TO ME and changed the TV to channel 2 or 4.


    I have addresses and am about to borrow a unmarked .22 from postal.

    I want the .22 and not a larger caliber because I can get more shots off and inflict more pain....


    I am now a hitman for hire. Please call me @ 555-867-5309 and I will take care of a 'problem' for you for minimual pay.
    I do this for little pay, since I will love my my my job....

    Who's got the Prozak? I need some
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Sorry, my anti-depressants are all gone. Ate them like candy at the job before last... -snowcrash
  • Oh, good 'Crash, you're already here. You sneak off & bake him the *special* brownies & I'll stay here & distract him. -Tekkie
  • The nice thing about living in Seattle: possession of special stuff isn't a crime, but it's a very low priority on the officers' lists nowadays. (Dang it, now I want to bake more brownies.) -snowcrash
  • Tekkie, there are many thing floating through my head right now about you 'distracting' me. None of them "G" rated. :D I think I need to go home and lay some pipe with the wife, play hide the flesh rocket. (Tekkie your too hot to toy with me) :P -burrkiss
  • Hey, I found your number on the wall. :) -TheSingingTech
  • burrkiss, I hope you & your ladylove had a lovely time, uh, laying pipe. Just don't cut any pipe. That PVC stuff smells like a roadkill skunk! Probably kill the mood.... -Tekkie
  • I get spam now for Vicodan. Shall I forward it to you? Three of those and you have no pain. -LaserGuru
  • Isn't it Vicodan that got Rush Limbaugh into trouble most recently? -chazz
  • 147. I AM THE CPU PIN GAWD!!!!!
    Ok, this has nothing to do with EU's. This has to do with me needing to have my ego stroked. Just got a new mobo/CPU/RAM. Gutted my old computer out and installed mobo. Connected all the cute little wires to the cute little pins.
    Then pulled the CPU outta the box.

    HMMMMMMMMMM what's this? why is the light glinting off of some of the pins?
    Upon closer inspection about 5 of the 478 pins are bent at a 15 degree tilt. This would have flattened them during the installation in the ZIF socket.

    Hmmmmmmm? how can I bend them with something that in non-conductive (just to make sure I dont fry the CPU). Hmmmmmmmmm this post card should do the trick.....Now I need to be able to see the damned CPU magnified......My wife does needlepoint and has a magnifying glassed mounted on a head piece for hands free magnifying. PERFECT.

    Now picture this. Dude 6'2"/200 lbs/shaved head/with jewelers magnifying glasses on his head/holding a $200 CPU on the table with 1 hand/a post card in the other sliding it down the rows VERY carefully to get the pins back to verticle/and has his tounge sticking out going mmmmmmmmmm

    Interesting picture huh?


    Can I get some distucting amounts of praise?

    O yeah, and some *special* brownies would be kewl :P
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Oh well if you wanna do it the hard way yeah!, but I would have just taken it back to wherever I bought it from thumped the counter & loudly hollared "This fuckin thing you sold me has bent pins!". <bfeg> -Digital Dogcow
  • I'm with DD... but still... impressive none the less -Nonamys
  • True DD, but I was twitching to get the bad boy up and running. I ordered it from so it would have had to be shipped back/processes/returned.....that would have been a week or two to get my geek fix. -burrkiss
  • Where I work, we recycle computer components & it's not unusual to spend time straightening pins on processors before we test them. BUT, this was your very own $200! I'd say you deserve a round of applause & a whole pan of brownies! -Tekkie
  • You *are* a GOD! Sold an EU a boxed CPU one time. He brought it back in and said it didn't work. Took a look at it, a row of pins were within 15 degrees of the back chipface! But it was my fault, since I sold him a 'defective CPU'. Hmmm, think he used a little force inserting it? Needless to say, I couldn't fix it, though I tried. Thus the recognition of godhood. -CTYankee
  • I've done that, but just bent them back with a little straight screwdriver... but never on my main machine. Kudos. -namor
  • I personally use needle-nose pliers. -TechnoVampire
  • This story had me on pins and needles... good job. MacGyver would have used duct tape and bubble gum somehow, but I'm sure he would be proud nevertheless. :~} -RiffRaff
  • Nice MacGyvering.. :) Now all you need to learn is how to build an ICBM out of a car engine, a Microwave, and some weapons grade plutonium and we'll be laughin' -Warrick
  • Well, the engine is the propulsion for the ICBM and plutonium is the catalyst for the microwave, which will give the EMP pulse.....o yeah and the duct tape holds it together....Any Questions???? -burrkiss
  • Be kewl young grasshopper. You have done well. The Force is strong with y... oops, wrong show. Ahem. Good. I usually use a pocket knife and grounding strap. But then I also have a p100 built out of cast offs running my web server. -ecoli
  • For socket 7 pins etc. I use a PC case blanking panel, running it between the rows. For anything smaller - mPGA etc, I've found a propelling pencil metal tube with no lead in does the trick. -lineswine
  • Gotta make two pans. One for the "special" brownies and one plain pan for me. -snowcrash
  • I just get em to the point that it'll go down in the zif socket (I have one that's slightly bored out for this) with tweezers, and open and close it a few times. Even passes amd warranty inspection. :) -iFox
  • 148. Oooooooooppps
    At the end of a call, I usually say,
    "Sure no problem. Have a nice day"
    Well, this time a guy calls in about having a blue screen on his tv. Asked him if he has a vcr in the line up. He says yes. Told him to turn it on. Sub does and then says "O, I guess Im a idiot"

    Right afterward, I say ..." Sure you are, no problem."

    OMG he didnt even catch what I said thank GOD!!!
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • A little dose of truth never hurt anyone! -FistLaw
  • I tell EU's they're idiots frequently. EU: "why can't I neep, neep, nop, whine drone <whatever>"?. DC: "Erm?, because you're as thick as maple syrup in an igloo??". 's truly amazing what you can get away with saying to a (l)users face, just as long as you wear a grin (as if you're joking) & have a track record for irreverance. -Digital Dogcow
  • What's really good is when a co-worker is going to quit for a "better job", and watch him flip out on lusers all day long. That's something that EU's don't like is a harsh dose of real life and the truth. -livewire
  • Frankly, my last week I felt as though someone had pumped Valium into my veins. Calm, relaxed, I heard lines like this pop out of my mouth: "No problem, ma'am, we all make mistakes. Some of us try foolishly to blame them on others; some of us blame the tech, which is easy enough but only half-true." Wish I still felt that lucid calm. -snowcrash
  • 149. Just give me the info DAMMIT!!
    These are the quotes from my notes that I put on the acct. That will probably come back and hit me in the face later this week, but what the hell.

    sub ci demanding a supe. ed sub that i need acct infor before i can give to supe. took about 1 minute to pry his address out of him. he gave me 619 pleasant view dr,51012. this obviously didnt pull up info. read the address back to him twice, he said yes. ed sub that it didnt give any acct info that i will need phone or name or acct #. sub became beligerant about that we have caller id and that all of his info was up on my screen. (screenpop hasnt worked all day). played the 'i need info before you get a supe' game for about 3 minutes, until finally I told him that he would be disconned if he didnt provide the info needed. sub asked for my name and location. i gave him it. then asked 1 more time for info. sub refused. i disconed call. The only reason i am posting this in his acct right now is after I disconed the call in the cic, I saw the phone # that he had called from, so i entered that into the acct info screen, and up popped his acct info. with the address of 619 pleasant view ---->STREET
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • *blink* Don't even know what STREET you live on? How the FARK do you get home? Do you just drive around until something looks familiar? (Farking wast of oxygen. I swear, sometimes I think the only good thing they do is provide carbon dioxide for the plants...) -scooby111
  • Doh <Homer> -RTFM
  • 150. Monitor Sprayer
    I have yet to 'spray the monitor' from a TSC post. But I did just that when I read this email......

    Lord of the Rings. The movies are fine, but did you know that if you read the trilogy three times in a year you actually get your virginity back?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Hot Damn!!! A bit late, but I'm willing to try...WTF? -chameleon
  • Then I'm an "Extra Virgin". I estimate I've read the entire trilogy over 150+ times since I first read it in 1986. That doesn't include that fact I've read actually STUDIED the history and genealogy of of Middle Earth. My reason, you ask? I would like to create a trivia game based on Tolkiens writings :) -Alistir
  • Alistr, an observation if I may... you are obsessed with Middle Earth dear boy. And not in a good way either.. -Warrick
  • WTF ??? 150 times in 17 yrs is like once every 3 months, given that its a 3 book trillogy (if u dont count the Hobbit) thats 1 book every 4 weeks for 17 years. Obsessive doesnt even begin to cover it. Dude ! look out your window, see that ? its called LIFE, go get some. & BTW be careful they dont speak evlish or wear Mithral out there!. -Digital Dogcow
  • That fact that anyone could bring the word "mithral" to the forefront at a moment's notice, scares me even more. Something you're not telling us, DD? -namor
  • Hell, we are all geeks. Lets live in harmony and give big hugs. Tekkie, you there? <G> -burrkiss
  • Yay! Big hugs for all my friends! Lets eat brownies & speak Elvish! -Tekkie
  • You guys may have seen this already, but it's still funny -- -TheBrain
  • I have a life. Really! I swear it! That damn hobbit stole it from me! My precious life, yes..precious. My precious life.... -Alistir
  • BAH! There's no word in "Quenya" for "Luser"! Ele' Nallon! <shakes his head> I need help <eg> -Alistir
  • Personally, I haven't seen any of the "Lords" movies. Read the hobbit when it first came out. I just don't get the appeal.... Or rpg's (since high school). Must be why I score so low on geek tests hehe -Grembo
  • Boasting here but...I will read the entire Lord of the Rings (plus appendices) in two days. I read it every two weeks since 1996. You do the math. -CommanderData
  • And I am not obsessive, I just read very very very fast. -CommanderData
  • I'll be happy to playtest that trivia game, Alistir. (and I usually read the trilogy + Hobbit once a year or so.) -TechnoVampire
  • At the risk of sounding crude... (which I realize is unusual for me - yeah RIGHT) ... scabbing over doesn't count :) -teivrann
  • Geez, I thought I was a freak because I re-read it every year or so :) Love the movies, although, the part part where Merry and Pippin trick Fangorn was ridiculous. -Hellion
  • I love RPGS and anime ,don't get me wrong on that, but I do try to spread my interests out a wee bit, thankye much. :) -Warrick
  • 151. Hello???? The Self-Fullfilling Prophcey
    This is also a customer type. They type that ends talking then immediatly says hello are you still there. Continue this for five minutes, until burrkiss gets annoyed and says, "Sir, if you ask me again if I am still here I am going to hang up."
    EU: BlahBlah Hello? are you still there.
    *Click* Not anymore
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • sounds like ipconfig .. ( get it ipconfig/release ) ... -kennz
  • Sounds like maybe he's used to people hanging up on him & it's just a habit to check if anyone's still there. -Tekkie
  • Now, I wonder why that might happen? -TechnoVampire
  • 152. Survey.
    Lets find out who has pet, and who has the geekiest names for them. I have 2 puppies, names Athena & Apollo (has nothing to do with mythology).
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I have 2 cats, Pearl and Kit N. -ResidentLuser
  • I have a cat named Athena. A friend of mine has a cat named Modem. -teivrann
  • Actually I used to know someone else who had a cat named Lore. Data's evil twin had nothing on this crazed, hairy, clawed macrophage ... -teivrann
  • I had a male cat named Bob who lost his last fight with a dog in a permanent way (he'd won 'em all until then). Currently have 2 female cats, Tigger & Leela. Points for whoever knows where Leela got her name! -Tekkie
  • I have a two kittens. The female (7 mos) is named 'Script Kitty' becasue she's an annoying little shite that you just want to kick. The boy is 2 mos and I haven't thought of a name yet. Any suggestions? -scooby111
  • Could it be Futurama, Tekkie? (If I don't get my points, you can kiss my shiny metal ass *grin*) -teivrann
  • 2 rats. Morpheus and Zeus -DemonicAngel
  • 1 Cat, Savana (though not my choice in the name) -Warrick
  • Scoob, if the boy kitty has hairball issues, you could name him Hacker! -Tekkie
  • teivrann, I'll take a pass on the ass. The name from a much older series. -Tekkie
  • i have a male cat zeus and had a female named athena until she died in june. we have a kitten in new hampshire named salem. and adopted my sisters cat named tutty or tuttie depending who u ask to spell it -postal tech
  • good name for a cat? hawk or techy -postal tech
  • 6 cats: Rocket, Shadow, Noise, Sundance, Star, Golden. 2 ferrets: Max and Aaron, and 1 hamster: Little Me (that last one was NOT my choice) -madonnac
  • Current Dog: Teela. Resently passed Mighty Mouse, Gambit, and Rogue. -MightyMouse
  • 1 6yr old cat, who's enough of a runt to still look like a kitten. Libby, short for Little Brat -Nonamys
  • Just a cat (who thinks he's a person) named Loki and lives up to it...gawd does he live up to it. Next kittie I get is gonna be named Bast too...I like mythology, can you tell? =) -techiegoddess
  • Two cats - Gibson (named for William), and PI - for Positive Influence - though they're anything but. -namor
  • Had a black cat named Shadow, current cat named Homer. And while I do happen to have a copy of the Illiad, twasn't me who named him. -Coyotebd
  • how about Speedbump? -Smith
  • two cats....Lazlo and Zorro. -tarax
  • dog's name 45 -> -kennz
  • 2 cats cooter and daisy. the odd part is we got daisy from the pound after we had cooter 2 years she was already named daisy -SGTARKyTEK
  • easy tekkie - dr who, doctor no 4's companion, leela:) -timelady
  • two dogs - tyler & snoopy, named when we adopted them. the girls guinea pigs are called guinea, socks, and fluffy chocolate spawn of satan. dont ask. -timelady
  • 5 cats here: Felix, Meggie, Thomas, Minx and George. I never got a chance to name them myself, having two kids. -chameleon
  • 3 cats. Ripley, 7 years old, 19 lbs, and a male. Belle, female, 3 years old, 11 lbs, and nicknamed 'Demon Kitty'. Major, ? years old, 9 lbs, outside rat catcher, adopted him after his owner, my friend and landlord, died earlier this year fighting pancreatic cancer. All are fixed and only Ripley is declawed. -ab1normalh
  • timelady, with a name like yours, it's no wonder you got it right! The Dr.'s Leela was a barbarian; my Leela is a Birman Ragdoll, 13# of meek. -Tekkie
  • My cat's name is Octavius, and Magenta has a dog named Sienna. -RiffRaff
  • 5 cats (Ginger, Cookie, Nutmeg, Ringo, and Kitty) 1 dog (bear) and one fish (phishy) -catman1229
  • and my brother, Dan. -catman1229
  • Since you can never find Nutmeg, I'm pressuring the parents to rename him '404' -catman1229
  • 2 Cats, Houdini and Escoffier. 'Dini is the web surfin' kitty and 'Cofi just watches me surf. -K1W1
  • 3 cats, 1 missing, presumed dead, named Panhead, 1 died 2 months ago, named Sabu, 1 I still have named Ghost -Spyder19
  • 1 dog named Muneca (tilde should be over the 'n'), two cats - Pounce and Steve-o. However, I have a friend who had a dog named Delenn. -Captain Trips
  • No pets personally, but my roommates' cats are Tempest and Sirocco, both names are quite ironic. My sister named her cat Spielberg. Yes, she is a film/directorial major in university... -Snakeeye
  • 4 cats here, (in order of age) Polly, Tom Kitten, Katy & Spot. Polly is the only one we got as a kitten, the others have all "appeared" or being taken in as rescues. Yes, Tom kitten is named after the Beatrix Potter character, but would you believe Spot is so-called 'cos he has a bloody big black spot on his otherwise white side? Some people thought I was being ironic by giving him traditionally a dogs name. Polly is old & mean, Tom Kitten expects to be waited on hand & foot (not farkin' ikely matey, get yer arse over to the food if you are hungry!) Katy is total Psychokitty, but Spot couldn't give a toss as long as his food is out on time & he gets his fair share of fuss....he is one laid back (read: bone idle) feline. -lineswine
  • One cat, B'Ellanah (female, neutered). The name was picked by the rescue society, but it stuck. Oh, and look guys: Don't declaw your cats. Lots of reasons... but in my experience, the simplest reason is that they go psychotic and start biting, and then they have to be put down. -chazz
  • My car is called Hexadecimal and my computer is called Eddie. -CommanderData
  • If ever I get a cat (I dont plan to) it will be called schroedinger -Quinn
  • Um, no pets here, they foster tendancies towards empathy. Do the two lesbians I'm raising in The Sim's count? -Digital Dogcow
  • One kitty - Lucyfur. "Little Spawn of Satan" wouldn't fit on the name tag. -Shai
  • i have one cat named Emily. though no one calls her that everyone calls her "Shitty Cat" mainly because she is -GefahrMaus
  • 2 guinea pigs - Eowyn & Tufty :-) -idlers
  • 3 Cats: Asha (a Russian Blue), Ripley (Short-hair domestic so named for her clawing-pounce attacks that reminded us of that Alien ass-kicker) Fate, (Black haired short haired domestic, so named because "lucky" wasn't appropriate after nearly being hit by a car and being neutered the next day). 1 Tarantula named Kumo (Japanese for Spider) -Dragones
  • 3 kitties. Ember (mine) she's a tortie who looks like a log in a camp fire (thus ember); Little Guy (who is as big as a small dog), instead of 'regular' sniffing your nose he headbutts a nose (really hard); Xiena who is a small grey pain in the butt when we're on teh computers. -RunningWolf
  • 2 Registered Pomeranian dogs, each full grown and weighing about 6 pounds. One is named Killer and the other is named Brutus. -DataSolutions
  • We have a cat called "ComeHere" - and she's completely deaf! -Dr Jerkyl
  • I had a cat named Dammit. She was a calico who had 2 identical litters of mixed kittens. And then there was another cat named Mostly. -ecoli
  • Declawing? Euuuugh! That really leaves them open for any dog to go & knock the living crap`out of them. If you as so het up about your furniture not getting ruined, just get yourself a pet rock instead. Tom (my son) didn't get scratched by my cats & even if he had done chances are they would have being defending themselves from one of his "hugs". How about we "de-claw" the techies by removing the mute button? <BFEG> -lineswine
  • When I was a senior in college I had a pet cockroach. He would sit on my shoulder whenever I was reading a book. -Brf
  • i had a cat named pyxxl (from heinlein's book the cat who walks thru walls)...alas, he left us in addition 3 cats (2 were my gfs prior to me) named merlin, mystickal, and bane sidhe (she is the kitten i got my gf as a move in gift when we got our apartment together<G>) -PCRaevyn
  • Two Cornish Rex cats, Sassichatz Sonata in A for Ricki Li (known as Ricki), age 14; and Staggerlee Jeffrey's Fantasia in B (known as Jeffrey), age 13. Recently lost 12-year-old Arwen Evenstar to cancer. -sassicatz
  • Six dogs. Bumpy, Bucket, Clue, Roxie, Freaky and Teddy - 1 rabbit Tyco - 5 cats Munchie, Earl, Clyde, Stupid and Toot toot - 2 hamsters Jesse James and Stupid little furball. -anathama
  • One cat named tigerlilly -phsspok
  • 3 female dogs: Chimera, Lhasa Apso, 10 yo.; Princess, White German Shepard, 1 yo.; Dotty, Chihuahua, 10 weeks. 2 Female Cats: Amber, 6 yo.; Skittles, 12 weeks. And a tank of fish that I pay no attention to whatsoever (for the kids). -maciarc
  • Cat: Five -- German Shepherd Dogs: "Sir K-Line of Scifihaven" (chat server, k-line is a ban line thus a double pun - k-line is for protection, so is a K-9) aka Sabre, "Max Connections Exceeded" aka Maxwell Fart, Horse "WinSock" because he was a champion racehorse and he has a white sock... -VaporWhere
  • By the way, Coolblu wanted to call the horse "Core" so he could make core dump jokes about the manure... and my last cat - when I adopted her was named Mandy, so I renamed her Mandelbrat Fractal - because she was a brat... :o) -VaporWhere
  • 2 cats, one Ch'ornaya Koshka (Russian for black cat) and the other Hurricane Iniki, as she's a natural disaster. -pixel
  • I used to have a cat named Julius, because he was Orange. I called him Cat5 because he was the 5th born in a litter and because of the obvious geek definition. I lived in the country and he was an outdoor cat, some ass left antifreeze out somewhere and he drank it and his kidneys and liver failed. -klous
  • lineswine-we had a series of cats named Spot! Most of them were grey & white males, the last was an angora female, black with a white spot on her throat. -Tekkie
  • Ripley is declawed cuz when he was a kitten, he clawed his way up my legs. Even though I was wearing jeans, it hurt like hell! Now he never goes outside and I have to make sure he never does. He does have his back claws though. -ab1normalh
  • klous, I had that happen. I had a cat (Chairman Meow) that was awesome, and someone poisoned him as well. My condolences. -VaporWhere
  • 1 cat, named Barbara Walters -BamaPookie
  • Former roomates had cats named Dandelo, Mungo, and LMNO -BamaPookie
  • Two fuzzy babies - 1 cat named Sparky and 1 cat named Buffy. -mwicks
  • Well, I have three cats, Athena, Callisto, and Watson. And a dog, Dana. -My Cat Athena
  • 153. The Crow
    Well, here I am in the weekly meeting. Bored. My bosses bosses boss is in there yapping about the new virtual call center. That we be backing off from taking calls in 3 states. Now we can take calls in about a 30 miles radius. Much more managable. "Blah Blah Blah" Is all I hear, until she gets to talking about the virtual call center and how it is better to be smaller.
    "Once we downgrade, it will be less hecktic and more managable. We will have the ability to help our customers better. For the last 4 months we have handled 3 states calls, and it have been like....."
    She trails off thinking of an analogy
    Burrkiss is spacing off thinking about "The Crow" that he just watched 4 hrs ago.

    "Like a little worm on a big fucking hook"

    The silence was deafening. I realized that I had just spoken when I thought I was thinking. Fortunatly, after 5 seconds, she found it funny. And burrkiss gets to keep his job.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Your mama must be so proud. <g> -scooby111
  • Kudos to keeping your job. HR would have thrown my ass out the door in 2 seconds. -Bobsentme
  • 154. Please just pay and dont whine you ho
    Quote from my notes...."sub ci again wanting to know why her bill is so much. it is because she doesnt pay on it. she paid $60 on 8-4-3 and that is the only payment since 5-6-3. tried to politely ed her of this, but we are 'just ripping her off'. I gave her the # for collections and she hung up." Just pay the bill. Why is this tough to understand?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • You ask why basic addition and subtraction is tough?!?! We're talking about people who can't farking figure out how to open their email and you wonder why they can't grasp math?!? Hmmmm? -scooby111
  • We had a troublemaker once, had $670 in over Bandwith, he'd pay by CC, then call CC CO and dispute. We went two rounds of this over 4 months, to when I got it. Told him I wouldnt take his CC again for the charges, he could send cash, MO or US Cashiers check, and WHEN PAYMENT WAS RECEIVED, the account would be unlocked ... oh the starfish yelled and screamed, but it would not detour evil chattech. I believe the cashiers check was obtained 3 months later, all the while him b*tching about how we were not assisting him and his site. -chattech
  • 155. EU car mechanic
    I went in today to get 2 new tires on my car. I asked the price with tax, and was quoted $240. Fine. I get a call and go in to pick it up. Dill hole gives me a bill for ~$400. Ask him politely WTF is this? I was quoted $240 and have the copy right here. I ask him the difference. Dill hole tells me that the car died in the parking lot and that there was 2 hrs of additional labor to research the problem. The problem you ask? It was outta gas. Yes I gave them a car with like 1/16 of a tank, but there was more than enough, hell the damned light wasnt even on yet. Needless to say, my eyebrows raised. I laughed in his faced. "Thats fucking funny dude. You burn over 1 gallon of my gas to change my tires, then take 2 hours to figure out that the little line is on "E"? THEN you expect me to pay $160 extra for your total lack of IQ? 1. Whats your name? 2. Whats the name of the genius mechanic that diagnosed this? 3. Whats your federal tax id #? 4. Does Good#### have a legal department and if so whats their phone # 5. Do you really want to play this game, or drop the price to $240?" He really looked kinda thrown off his rocker, but after layin down the law, the moron dropped the price back down to normal and got my parting shot as I walked out the door. "Fuck you very much Have a nice day"
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • *Applause* Good job! -catman1229
  • You got the quote in writing? That's about all you need, isn't it? Guess there's some leeway if there are terms stated, but hell.. -namor
  • Yeah, Baby, Yeah! -RiffRaff
  • Fark you mechanic, Fark you very much. -suprtechy26
  • *blink* -scooby111
  • That works out to $120 for *one* car tire? WTF? -LaserGuru
  • #6: What's his IP? <BFEG> -Disallowed
  • When I was in the Air Force I took my truck to the AFEES gas station to have tires put on it. They broke off most of the studs on one side trying to get my wheels off. Left hand threads on left side, right hand threads on right side DOH!. Took them 4 days to get the parts even though the manager lived next door to where the parts came from, then they tried to charge me parts and labor despite the fact that THEY busted em off cause their mechanic was a dumbass. Let's just say that I didn't pay for the repairs. -Grembo
  • LG - I have Z-rated tires on my car and cheapest price I've ever found was $135 a tire. -Hellion
  • Yeah- thought about that about ten minutes afer I posted. -LaserGuru
  • 156. Evesdropping Burrkiss
    I get a call *beep beep* "Thank you for calling BlahBlah this is burrkiss how can blahblah" I hear a conversation from im guessing a nurse about the radial nerve and how it effects the ring finger, this and that. I just sit there and vaguely listen, while reading TSC. After about 5 minutes I heard her wrap up the conversation and get closer to the phone. I ask "So, hows his radial nerve doing?" I spooked the hell outta her, poor lady didnt know wtf was going on or how I knew about her patient. Took her about 30 seconds to come back to reality and realize the the hold music ended a long time ago and I was listening the the whole conversation.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • hey, at least you didnt over hear her dissing the tech support -crackshot
  • That has happened before. Put a rep a mute and then they started talking to someone in the room. "F-ing tech support is dumber than a box of rocks and thinks the modem is used to connect and not the computer". When I came back and not so kindly reminded them the call is recorded. -suprtechy26
  • "Yeah, this guy thinks the earth goes around the sun instead of the other way around. Next thing you know he'll be telling me the earth is round, not flat." -teivrann
  • 157. I HATE CRACK HEADS!!!!!!!!
    Stuipd inbread crack pipe puffin gaggle of government cheese eatin rug rat pukes make me wanna kill!!!! BURRKISS SMASH!!!! .....Hey Postal, where can I buy a piece? and some hollow points?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • But you have no strong feelings about it <ducks for cover> -RedSwingline
  • I just hate repeating myself 6-7 time because the worthless waste of flesh that is breathing MY oxygen has melted their frontal, sidal, rearal lobe into a gooey mess and cannot even remember my name, what the hell they were talking about in the previous sentance and crap i forgot where i was going with this. !#%$!#% crack heads. -burrkiss
  • I have noticed that today I seem to have a lot of anger. I almost got out of my car with crowbar in hand to smash the windsheild of a.....female dog.... that pulled out right in front of me making me swearve into the other lane. I have been going downhill since then -burrkiss
  • Thus explaineth the extreme sarcasm in some of your comments today... :~} -RiffRaff
  • <stands well back making pat-pat-pat gestures> There, there, now burrkiss. They were baking cookies a few dozen posts back, let me just go get you some. Now sit here with your feet up & I'll be right back. -Tekkie
  • Well, :munch munch: ok sure but I really hate those crack hea.. :munch munch: hmmmmmm good cookies, did you bake these? <grins> -burrkiss
  • Oops, sorry darlin', those are the special brownies that phsspok made. I'll just got get you some Cheetoes now. -Tekkie
  • burrkiss, I find that a few good rounds of you favorite first person shooter(Quake, Half-Life, Doom, etc) does wonders without the need for (l)user body dumping. -lancasterjl
  • Tekkie, I think we need to talk. Burrkiss need brownies. Burrkiss need special brownies. Burrkiss love Tekkie. Burrkiss love brownies. Burrkiss get mad without browies of peace. mmmmmmmmmmm brownies..... -burrkiss
  • burrkiss, you can have all the brownies you want. I was thinking you might want some little crunchy bits to go with those *special* brownies. And maybe a frosty mug of something? -Tekkie
  • OMG!!! A frosty mug of Corona and some special brownies. Burrkiss happy. burrkiss very happy. Tekkie very cool :~} -burrkiss
  • Aw, I think burrkiss is gonna doze off watching the mudwrestling bloopers show. DD, you swipe his keys off the coffee table & Riff, you slide that SuperLart of his away from the recliner. We'll leave his stuff by the Harley so he'll have it for work. 'Night, burrkiss! -Tekkie
  • huh ? whu ? don't be taking my keys dude, as long as I can kick it, I can ride it, uhhh, where'd I park it ?... -Spyder19
  • Shhh, Spyder, he's sleeping! Come here & have a nice brownie, hmmm? -Tekkie
  • Who's got a case of the Muuunchies? </ bad Office Space ref.> -lineswine
  • 158. I found Riff Raff =D - Sorry Riff, I read the bio, and they neutered you. Sorry to hear that.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I tried 2 times, but it never posted, Im going to send Hawk a email an let him know there R problems with the offsite link section. -burrkiss
  • Techiegoddess sent that to me a long time ago, burrkiss. *She* said I was cute and cuddly. Of course, you had to go and take it to a whole new level. Just offhand, I think I preferred her approach. <Yoda>Pay dearly will you for your cheek, my young padiwan.</Yoda> -RiffRaff
  • <young padawad about to get smacked> Bring it short and green. -burrkiss
  • "Short & green??????" What the... No... Nevermind... I don't want to know... -RiffRaff
  • Wha.....Did I, a young padawan just get away with insulting the jedi master? <Does a little dance> MMMhhhhhhmmmm What??!! OUCH!!! OooooFFFF! Get off me Yoda OWWWWW!!!! Down put me little green man..... I yield!!!! -burrkiss
  • BTW if I tell you that you look cute and cudily, will it make you feel better? -burrkiss
  • Ummmmm.... Let me think about that for a second... Ummmmm... NO! However, if you can get Techigodess to tell me I'm cute and cuddly again, I might forgive you. <eg> -RiffRaff
  • Hey, Magenta! Is this bit of the ad true: "Riff-Raff is leash and crate-trained, and knows basic obedience (Sit, Stay, Off, Come, No)." Interesting...hehehe! -Tekkie
  • What makes me wonder is the part at the bottom that says "altered"????? *Head starts to spin in 360 degree circles* <horror movie voice>Riff isn't here anymore.....*evil laugh*</horror movie music> -redevil34
  • Hahaha! Yeah, I found that link a while back!! Definitely "cute and cuddly" and by his own admission, tells me he is crate-trained! =) -techiegoddess
  • Dunno about Techiegoddess but I'd say cute and cuddly if it's any help? -CommanderData
  • 159. Quote from my notes.
    sub ci becuase the door2door rep left a wo telling eugene to call back and he would bring the converter and hook it up and that the service was activeated @ the pole. sub was upset that the next time I had was thursday between 1-5. ed sub that if he isnt there for the install, then that is the best i can do. sub then read {cont} the phone # off the w/o. it was 512-525-94**. sub complained that the # was invalid. then i told sub that the area code for the des moines area is 515, and to try to call 515-525-94**. and that the door2door rep should be able to help him sooner. Do I have to kold their hand for everything?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Dude, You're from Des Moines? Excellent. I'm from down by Rathbun Lake. Maybe we can get together sometime and exchange horror stories. -DataSolutions
  • What with the numbers of us in the WI/MN/IA area, we should have a party. At Hawk's place. :) -pixel
  • What about us folks from IL -Liquidice
  • 160. Sigh, they are getting worse
    Another quote from my notes..... sub going to have her husband call in. she cannot figure out how to change the channel to a higher # (for me to check if it is on channel 3 or not).
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Now that is bad. Even my 95 year old grandmother can change channels. -garwain
  • My 2-year-old niece can change channels too. -Brf
  • I hope to god that she was trying to change the channel on a powered down VCR or something... -crackshot
  • Sh*t, my CAT can change channels if I leave the remote in her territory... -obie099
  • My cat can turn on the TV if he's let near the remote. Was fun to see when we were visiting my grandparents who didn't have cable, turned on channel 8 and just got static. He looked angry and jumped off the table, -after- waiting for the picture to come on. :) So a human not knowing how just proves what Garfield says: Cats are the smartest creatures alive. -Calydor
  • I've been woken in the middle of the night due to the cats turning on the TV full blast. (we nearly crapped ourselves the programme was some big gun fight) Now the last job before bed, is to put the remotes out of paws length -K1W1
  • I about bust a gut on that Kiwi. No TV here for me to worry about (see my comment on previous post) -Wolffarmer
  • Oh Jeez K1W1 that mental image is SOOO funny (we have 4 cats in total, see my Bio pic for 2 of them, so I can well believe this to be true). Yesterday one of mine rolled over in her sleep & pressed the button for Teletext, I've got the remote for the TV in my hand & I know I didn't press anything. I'm wondering WTF until I sussed it (too many multi-function remotes in this house!) so I do know what you mean. -lineswine
  • 161. Long Hold Voice
    Our wait time is now on average 20-30 minutes. I had 3 peopel in a row go "What, huh, are you a real person?" On the 3rd person I responded with a mechanial voice "Yes, I am a real person. Burrkiss 2000 how may I help you sir?" Hell made the guy laugh.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • nicely done. -wolfprince
  • the blue fairy TOLD me i was a real boy now... -omegawolf
  • You should have answered: "Nope...Im a machine" -Brf
  • I've thought about doing that many times. Nice holds me back though :). -Yuri
  • 162. It Anyone Alive Today?
    I just made 3 post in like 1 1/2 hours. And all are in a row. Anybody that is AT WORK AND NOT ON VACATION?!?!?! God if all TSC is on vacation I'm gonna cry. CD can I have a tissue and a shoulder to cry on?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I'm here, on the job, but, not really doing anything cuz, (I can't beleive he actually said this) the boss went home, and told me NOT to work on any customer pc's cuz we only have 7 cust pc's in the shop, and he wants to have something to do next week, so he actually TOLD me to play with my linux I am, I d/l'd the newest shrike to install instead of the caldera that I had been using, but can't use anymore cuz I can't get any more patches for it cuz caldera bought Unix, and now they claim that Linux has Unix code in it, so they stopped supporting it...gee, let's see, they been making linux, and now they claim that it uses some unix code, I WONDER how they know that ..... -Spyder19
  • probably got a burned copy from KAZAA -burrkiss
  • "I'm Sorry but none of our Techs are avalible to comment on your posts - Your concerns will be delt with as soon as posible - You are 312,384,943 th in the Queue - Please Hold" -Wonko The Sane
  • I don't know about the rest of the world but here in Sandy Eggo we are busier than a sex starved sailor in a whore house with his ex-wifes credit card. Why can't there assholes get off the F'ing pc and enjoy the long weerkend? -atomicbill
  • Yeah, I'm here too. Just kill me. Please. -RiffRaff
  • <burrkiss eats the business end of the 12 guage and stands in front of Riff> hold still Riff I'll get cha on the blast back -burrkiss
  • I'm here, but it's 10:42 Sunday morning for me and so I'm only jsut getting the effect of the caffiene after my nice lie in. -K1W1
  • as part of the corporate "merger" that I'm suffering through, they've frozen our account management system, so all weekend, I get to be a glorified (and highly qualified) secretary... Anyone in northern Oz need a good used tech? *sigh* -Mephiston
  • Work? weekends? Ha ha ha ha ha, you'd have to be insane to do that! -Digital Dogcow
  • Hmm, I guess so! -CommanderData
  • I have off this long weekend and the party is not stopping. <ducks the LARTs and heavy objects thrown to try and crush my skull> -rockytech
  • Well, I'm not here. Or shouldn't be, anyway. But, when someone on a skeleton crew calls in sick, what else is there to do but call in someone on his day off! Oh, well, at least it's overtime. -Captain Trips
  • 163. Question
    Not story, but I need help from fellow geek and geekets. Does anyone know of a good site that reviews online games? Im looking for something rpg that has single and multiplayer capabilities like Diablo 2 or Rise of Nations....I like to take long walks on the beach while using a 2x4 as a cane. Then I enjoy taking my cane and beating the tar outta the 1st person who says 'Shore is a nice night tonight' :P
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Brings new meaning to the term "Board Walk." <g> -RiffRaff
  • Make sure you by the hardware store and get some of that new shore line <befg> -LaserGuru
  • I'm currently playing Warcraft 3 and C&C: Generals. Both are kicka$$ games. -LaserGuru
  • Laser - I've always been partial to waterline myself <bg> -Hellion
  • -Calydor
  • If you are into D&D, neverwinter nights has done a nice job with the genre so far (they are working on their second expansion) Check em out. =) -Gecko
  • you might want to try Asheron's Call through the msn gaming zone its kinda like diablo only the map world your in if you held down the run button with no obstacles it would take 2 days straight to run across the entire map I have been playing for 9 months only about 25% through the game you should enjoy yourself -alexcorvice
  • Summoner, Dungeon Siege, Evercrack. 'nuff farkin said! -Digital Dogcow
  • ermmm, Diablo 2 is the king as far as I am concerned. -CommanderData
  • 164. SURVEY
    Does anybody here actually have a company that truly understands what 'good customer service' is? and by "good cs" i mean treating the techs/csr's well AND the customers
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • You mean like a company that doesn't pay holidays and just closes their doors so they don't have to pay overtime. I work for a company that doesn't give a cup of rats piss about their agents. The damn PCs we have are 200mhz pentiums with 32 megs of ram and we are expected to run a database application which crashes the minute we do anything yet it's our problem if our call times are high because of computer. Sorry for the rant my company sucks my balls as far as I'm concerned -fpage77
  • Nope, not me -burrkiss
  • well, I feel special, I have a pos p2 350mhz with 32 and run a gui that just locks up the comp constanly. MINES FASTER :P -burrkiss
  • Fpage, what are these HOLIDAYS you speak of? -Bobsentme
  • Um, our techs are off on holidays. We all get paid vacations. (2 Weeks per year.) We don't get paid very well, but it's OK. -scooby111
  • I've bragged about the ISP for which I work on many occasions. I still have to deal with the same moronic customers as the rest of you, but: no call/hold stats to worry about; no QA monitoring; no ridiculous scripts to follow; no inter-office politics; and paid vacation/sick days. We have our own assigned desks with whatever computer/software we want to use, and no restrictions on what websites we can pull up or what we can download, as long as we don't violate any laws. We have complete freedom to TS customers as we see fit, and as long as we get the job done, management doesn't care how we do it. Our boss and his wife have no children, and they consider us their extended family, and that's how we're treated. I could possibly make more money working elsewhere, but my job perks and working environment more than compensate for any monetary value, and another company would have to double my salary before I'd even *think* about going elsewhere. Yes, I know how lucky I am; and no, we're not hiring. :~} -RiffRaff
  • Hmmmm holidays like Christmas, Mormorial Day, you know the standard holidays that most of the would acknowledges my company has us close the whole call center just cause they don't want to pay time and a half. -fpage77
  • well, to every ying has a yang.....dang your the yang Riff -burrkiss
  • Since I ts for a retail chain, we're open every day they are. Meaning: We're only closed for christmas. *sighs* -Bobsentme
  • I'm kind of a cross between Bob and Riff, the tech department (my department) has the better pc's (AMD XP's and P4's), one department has P3's and Celerons with the Socket 7's scattered about at the diff offices, and one group has to supply their own pc. Some days are slow, others are ball bustin' days. I at least get vacation (esp. since i've completed a full year) and some sick days (2 weeks total i believe). No holidays off though (except xmas and TGiving). TGiving is because the office managers refuse to open up for business those days and kinda tell the CEO to GTH. Pay is lousy as hell, and my EU's barely know how to turn a friggin' PC on, let alone know how to use it. The ones that do know how to use it are annoying as fuck (just negative/ignorant people), and not a week goes by that somebody's swearing that our department is reading their email or deliberately messing up their computer (think ignorant paranoia spewing from an EU's mouth to somebody on the Board of Directors). I thought about adding fuel to the fire and buying that "I Read Your Email" tshirt from, but might put that on the backburner for when i get REALLY pissed and actually start doin' it. -testing123
  • Fpage: "a cup of rats piss"? Damn, how big is THAT rat, anyway? -hkypipe
  • what u guys have computers? all we had were pieces of paper and if we needed notes we had to look for them. -postal tech
  • *snarls bitterly* If I ever get into a proper I.T job then they'll learn what I mean by customer the moment I snarl a lot and revoke access permissions -CommanderData
  • We actually got decent pay for TS, about 11.00/hr to start, paid holidays, 2 paid weeks of vacation a year. We owned our cases, called customers back to verify resolution (even if they went to their OEM and there was nothing WE could do). In short we delivered the best customer service experience probably available just about anywhere. Our client paid us bonuses and gave us awards, then sent our jobs to India the next month. The outsourcer company here was pretty good, but the client sucked. -DarthLuke
  • 165. Yes, I just realized, I'm a Geek
    Im getting married on August 16th in Iowa, and my best men are setting up a bachlor party for me. Cool. I made a deal with SO about no strippers at the bachlor party, and educated my best men about this. (I dont really care about strippers, I used to deliver Itialian food to a strip club in my home town for 5 years, so I have had my fill of "titties in the face for the tip") Soooooo, the 1st thing my lead best man does is set up a fat assed BBQ with big steak. Cool. Meat. Then he came up with LAN party (which is what I was thinking), I just found a new place here called Exreme PvP to play Unreal Tournament against upto 20 people....can we say GEEK?
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Congrats. My bachelor party was a night of paintball. And the best man set up a situation where, when he called "Kill the Groom" it went from team against team to everyone against ME. But, I gave back twice what I got, considering I was one against 19 at times. Loads of fun and a better waste of money than looking at some naked skank they bribed to show up. :p -SwedishChef
  • Wierd...Last stag I went to was a paintball match (awesome fun). I'm going to another stag this weekend coming and it's gonna be a LAN party as well! We're all techs and have know each other for years. And my b-day is August 16th!!! <humming twilight zone theme> -Arviragus
  • hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm paintball.........kill someone MORE than virtual, but not REALLY kill them hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....burrkiss like, will pass on too best men thanks! -burrkiss
  • -scooby111
  • I dont even have to open that link, i remember it from the news. -burrkiss
  • *grumble* stupid local gun laws make paintball illegal here in northern Oz, ohh well, I might just have to indicate that I want a lan party before my wedding - leeching pron instead of paying a stripper, at least we save ourselves a couple of hundred :P -Mephiston
  • me i would think shooting a stipper with a paintball gun would be cool then she would earn the dollar -micko210
  • Cool, LAN party is a great idea! If I ever get married (not likely) I'd have that for a hen night, I know they are supposed to be women-only but most of my friends are male. -CommanderData
    we have a crappy phone system. 1/2 the time it dont work, the other 1/2 it dont work. you do the math. this time, after asking a sub to take a automated survey, i hit the transfeer button (should be instant), and hacked up a major fkn amount of lung cheese. Sub was NOT transfeered cause the phone system is crap, so she got a earful. I managed a weak, "are you still there? Oh, Im sorry the phone was supposed to transfeer you." JESUS I WAS EMBARRASSED
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Lung Cheese!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! -Bioguy
  • Join the lung cheese club... been fighting this cold/allergies for 2 weeks and horking up some nasties -rockytech
  • Joys of being a smoker in my case...lung cheese on the driveway every morning after I hawk it out the car window... -CommanderData
    My sig other just brought home a zip disk from work, from a comp that has more issues than Michael Jackson. Now per SO, programs dont open, no printer access, no net, no scanner, restore didnt help, and nortons comes up with 'code missing'. Any guru's have any better ideas? My only one is format c: If anybody has ideas all help is appreciated. (I have not backed up in a month, true to moronic form)
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Sounds like you got Klez :( Try but be aware - it will DELETE all infected files -shooric
  • i'm kinda partial to clrav myself..., fixklez will fix what it can, delete the rest (what it deletes are like pic1.jpg.exe or pic1.jpg.pif) best of luck w/ klez (you're gonna need it) -testing123
  • 1. Run ANYTHING but Norton (or mcafee. best known does NOT = Best) 2. I've found NO information on a "code missing" error message referring to Klez (or anything else). Not sure if you have a virus or not, but I really don't think Klez is the culprit from what info I've been able to scavenge. -Grembo
  • I may be wrong, but I did some serious searching on that error. My apologies to all if I got it wrong -Grembo
  • Thge only reason McAfee and Norton are at the top of the heap is product support and marketing. I get updates from Symantec at least once every 10 days, and when there is a new threat out, not only do they release updates sooner, but they also email me and tell me all about the new little nasty. My only major gripe with them is the amount of system resources their programs chew up. -Mephiston
  • 168. omg I got one
    Lady calls in wanting broadband, fine. then tells me that she bought the computer at a DOT auction, and when the tech gets there he needs to hook up her computer, (NOT) told her that aint happening, and told her the rudiments of Part A, Slot A, and that only Part A can fit in Slot A. This confuses the poop outta her, then she looks at the monitor plug and then looks at the back of tower, then tells me there are 6 ports in the back that look EXACTLY like the pl;ug for the monitor. NOT UNLESS YOU GOT 6 VIDEO CARDS LADY. I was going to help her install basic plugs, but changed my mind and told her to hire a professional and then we would come out. EU's!!!!! (Im cable tech, Im not supposed to get pure unaltered starfishing EU's) <i gave her postals home phone to install for her> MUHAHAHAHAHA
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • damn u i knew someone gave it out-when it rang all i heard was damn fucking plug doesn't go in and thought i had called a phone sex operator -postal tech
  • Humour me, what is a DOT auction? -lineswine
  • How much am I bit on this DOT, only one user, who used it in a email address 'john.doe@somewhere', not overused as he could never get anyone to send him mail.... First Bid $5.... Any takers? :) (An Example of a DOT Auction) -Wonko The Sane
  • I THINK a DOT auction is one of those drug-seazure <sic> auctions, where they get everything from busted dealers -burrkiss
  • Hmmm, always thought DOT auctions were when the Department of Transportation was trying to sell off old snow plows, graders, front-end loaders...etc ;) -techskier
  • Maybe it was a from a dead dot com. -LaserGuru
  • 169. Mr Mantor......Porn King
    This guy orders like $500 + of pron every month, and always pays on time!!! He calls in cuase his box is stuck on channel 4 (non-pron) and is in a tizzy. I have him power cycle the box and BAMM surfing the 550-560 pron again, happy as a bever. After this call I tell my sup that mantor called in and DIDNT order and ppv (a true rarity)....she says of course he cant, he is locked down, he still owes like $550. I looked at his acct and saw $70. After investigaton there was a glitch in his acct that credited $450 for no reason....Poor guy If he hadnt called in, or had basic ts skills he would have been $450 richer.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • My 1st double!!! <blushes> -burrkiss
  • 170. Mr Mantor......Porn King
    This guy orders like $500 + of pron every month, and always pays on time!!! He calls in cuase his box is stuck on channel 4 (non-pron) and is in a tizzy. I have him power cycle the box and BAMM surfing the 550-560 pron again, happy as a bever. After this call I tell my sup that mantor called in and DIDNT order and ppv (a true rarity)....she says of course he cant, he is locked down, he still owes like $550. I looked at his acct and saw $70. After investigaton there was a glitch in his acct that credited $450 for no reason....Poor guy If he hadnt called in, or had basic ts skills he would have been $450 richer.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • $450 of porn?? Just buy the DVD's or magazines. Then you'd OWN it. Or better yet, get Kaaza and get your p0rn free. -scooby111
  • happy as a beaver, eh? pun intended? ;) mwuhahahah -mousie
  • 171. Total Slacker
    My phone (controlled by the computer) is messed up bad today. @ 2pm it went into reinitialazing mode and wont come out. At 330 I let the boss know that it seem like a long time since I took a phone call. She looked at the computer and saw "Available" but missed the renitialazing spining hourglass. Told me it was a slow day and thanks for trying to stay busy. <pfffft>...Lunch @ 4pm....back 5pm.....630 pm now and still have not had a single phone call....noone is here to fix now MUHAHAHAHAHAHA
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • I only wish I had your luck. -bentm99
  • lucky bastard -useless
  • crap, I accidently clicked on the "initizaling" icon and then clicked disconnect call........and my phone worked again IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OUTAGE.........CRAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! -burrkiss
  • This is what happens when you brag about your good fortune to those who are less fortunate. For great justice! hehehehehe -RiffRaff
  • and remember boys and girls, pain is natures way of telling you that you were stupid :P - Still, a couple of payed hours without (l)users is nothing to frown at ;P -Mephiston
  • 172. Joy of a Mute Button
    Overheard after I put a dude on mute due to computer problems..." High speed internet here is 1,500 kbps, thats total crap. In kansas city I had 3 meg download, these jokers call this crap highspeed? what a bunch crap." I almost asked him if he still wanted our crap, but commission and call monitering held my tounge.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Sell him a T1 ;) -bracketmonkey
  • I've had that kind of complaint from a customer before as well. He was on a 1500-6000kbps DSL plan and he was complaining because it was running at around 3700kbps. I guess nothing is ever good enough. -firebird2k2
  • They'll only be happy when they can get a 1 terraquad xfer rate directly into their brain (and the bliss will only last a moment as their brains will explode immediately)... -hkypipe
  • bracket: how fast do you think a T1 is? -XaQ
  • Xaq: Would that be 1.4Mbps? -chazz
  • Yeah, well, so I needed more caffeine this morning ;) -bracketmonkey
  • We offer Fiber to the home for one of our markets. We guarantee 1MB to the house but typically users her 20MB or faster. I can't count the number of (l)users I've spoken to from that market who complain they're only getting 5MB or so and all for $40/mo. I just want to reach thru the phone and throttle them. I'm paying $60/mo for 512K DSL. AAAAAAARGH. -scooby111
  • Tell this neeping starfish to click his ruby red slippers together 3 times & chant "there's no place like home" over & over....magically he will be transported to the place he knows & loves, complete with the Hi-speed internet he so desperately needs (no doubt for d/l pr0n) & then maybe this (L)user will stop whining. -lineswine
  • We've now got 5Mbps DSL around here (and I have test accounts, mwahaha...) but before when the fastest was 3, I talked to a guy who said he'd hold off on upgrading from dialup, until the technology was at such a point where he could click a link, and it would instantly show up. *instantly*. At that point, nevermind, I'm not gonna explain why that's out of your lifetime, by my estimation. -namor
  • I dunno, I'm reading this on my cable connection, and I routinely see better than 3MB/s. That's fast enough for me. TSC pages load close enough to instantly that it doesn't matter. What an asshole. -PaseoGuy
  • Yup. 3 tests on, all around 3800 KB/s. -PaseoGuy
  • 173. Class A moron
    [By: burrkiss]
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  • FYI, np= no picture (no signal at all) -burrkiss
  • Typical moron Customer then. P.S. you use alot of abreviations that I don't recognise lol... -Humble1
  • Assume CI is "called in", but I don't recognize ED or WTC. I suddenly flashed on "neep about NP" -- seems fitting... -chazz
  • "Explained to Dumbf***" seems to fit the context... maybe I'm just bitter today... nahhhhhh... -namor
  • what does sub mean? -stpatience
  • I'm guessing "sub-human" (a.k.a. blob of goo) ;) -Wiser
  • Oh... duh... "subscriber" <bangs head on keyboard> -Wiser
  • I dunno Wiser, you might have been right the first time! -K1W1
  • i think wiser was right on both counts, Sub-human Subscriber. (SS?....SIG HEIL) <g> -burrkiss
  • wtc= work trouble call.....or we take crap -burrkiss
  • ed= educate -burrkiss
  • i like Explained to Dumbf***" better though <grins> -burrkiss
  • 174. PPV= Ewwwwww
    I ordered adult ppv for this guy, and per policy and proceedures<sic> I have to ask if they would like to take a 2 question automated survey....He ordered Black Busty Babes for 330 pm, it was 3:31 pm.... Me:Would you like to take a 2 question automated servey?.....Dude" uuuummmmmmmmmmmm no, Im busy." EWWWWWWWWWWW NASTY. (just thought Id share the the terribel visual)
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Annnnnnnnnnd *thanks* for sharing! <mutters under breath> -RiffRaff
  • oh, please. As long as it wasn't on your hands, what do you care what you 'think' he was doing? (you know the 09%/10% rule, don't you?) -obie099
  • 90%/10%, dang it -obie099
  • obie: Maybe it doesn't matter, to you. To others, maybe having that little personal intimacy issue brought up by a customer in what should be a professional conversation - a tad out of line, at least. -namor
  • i dont get it-what was he doing that he couldnt do the survey? -postal tech
  • ....he called in to order adult PPV, and it was only when he said he was busy, that you got worried?? -karlata
  • Oh, and what's the 90%/10% rule? -karlata
  • Um, thanks I didn't want to keep my dinner down anyway. -scooby111
  • Geez, chill, will ya, namor? If the text i n the story is accurate, "IT" was never mentioned. "Dude, umm, I'm busy" Hardly qualifies for "innapropriate". As for the 90/10 rule, 90% of all men admit to being jerk-offs, the other 10% are lying jerk-offs. -obie099
  • musta been a good porno for him to be "busy" so soon after ordering, surprised he didn't just say thanks and hang up -testing123
  • Did it cross your mind he may have been trying to set up the Vcr? -eldorel
  • 175. "Are you talkin' to me???"
    Me: This is *** speaking, how may i help you. EU: Blah, Blah, Blah, QUIT INTERUPTING ME!!! Me: (WTF?) "I didnt say anything sir" EU: Yeah, yeah, Blah Blah this that, STOP TALKING!! Me: (I dont have time for this) "I'm going to hang up now, so you can have a private conversation with whoever you think your talking to. Have a nice day" (take your meds freak)
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • /kill process - disable <username> -RiffRaff
  • /disable process - kill <user> -scooby111
  • /disable nothing - kill <everyone> -bentm99
  • *Thump* -Jonos
  • 176. I was nice, never again
    Guy calls in to get High Speed Digital cable service installed, (6-3) we have no current promos running, so I offer to use the old campaing for free install ($100) and 1/2 price for 3 months (20/month) nice guy.... then for install tell him we can be there in 3 days to install..Dude pulls a Dr. Hyde on me and demands that we get out there ***NOW*** today in the next hour to install him....I promptly stonewalled this gentleman with "that is the earliest"....he lectured me about customer service and after 2 minutes of this carp, I snaped and said, "Look I gave you a savings of $160 over the next 3 months when I didnt have to and probably shouldnt have so you can take the install date of Friday or leave it." God someone please LART me hard, I should have never been nice.
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • Customers are like wild animals: They look all cute and cuddly at first, until they sense fear or weakness. Then it's all over. And once they've tasted tech-flesh, the only thing you can do is kill 'em, because they become unmanagable after that. -RiffRaff
  • Fark him - he's a ungrateful tosser. Now repeat after me "I AM the BOFH, I will treat (L)users with the contempt they deserve" Keep repeating this until it becomes second nature - if at any time you are unsure how to proceed, just ask CD, DD (if he's still around) CH, Riffy, Scooby or any of the "usual suspects" found on this site, I'm sure they'll steer you right, though it may involve administering a severe LARTing to some deserving (L)user. If none are around, there is always the "motherlode" to be found at & look for the BOFH link <Master Po> You are young Grasshopper, but you will learn <\Master Po> -lineswine
  • I learned petty quickly working at and ISP is that you don't give anything a EU that is not a current offer, a price break, our "extra" support(outside of your scope) because it always will bite you in the ass afterwords. -nascar
  • I'd have withdrawn the offer and made him pay regular price and put him on the waiting list for rudeness. :P -mousie
  • 177. My what? Zip code? I dont understand
    Sub calls in and i give the usual..."Name and Address please"....Sub "Mr. Dumba$$, 123 main st"....Me: "And your zip code?" Sub"My what?"...long story short, after 5 minutes, and me finally saying "on a letter you mail, there is the city then state then ZIP CODE. I NEED THE ZIP CODE" I finally got a answer of "Oh! the zip code" I coulda killed the moron with a single look.....
    [By: burrkiss]
    Comment on Story


  • If they don't understand "ZIP code" try "Zone Improvement Program" code. I find that if I get really technical with people who are being stubborn they just give up and go away. I also find that if you tell the Board of Directors that a piece of equipment was purchased by the hospital when I was 3 years old will get it replaced in short order. <BFEG> -Bioguy
  • Wow. Every person I talk to seems quite happy to give me their zip code. Especially when I ask for their area code or telephone area code or their 3 digit telephone area code. -Jardinsky
  • Heh, I've now got a mental image of Bioguy as a little 3-y.o. stuck in my head. -snowcrash
  • Customer Misconceptions

    1. (differnt customer than my tech rule) That when you interuppt my lunch to tell me to give you two new remotes, without so much as a "hello" before "I need two new remotes", that I will give you two new remotes *without* fucking you over. That I wont actually remember your address and charge you $50 for two remotes. [2006-03-01]

    2. That after I call you twice and leave messages telling you to reschedule your trouble call since you were not home, that you can call me at 7pm after I'm off work, tell me that I can come out now. In a VERY snooty tone of voice. This is a quote of me. "Oh, well thank you very fucking much. I had nothing better to do than fuck your husband you twatsmear" *click* Heres the kicker. I accidently called her from my cell, not the work cell, so even if work tries to come after me, this will be my 'defence' "So, lady calls in to 123-4567, which isnt my phone, at 7pm, after I'm off? She gets some guy who calls her a 'twatsmear' and its my fault? Yeah whatever" [2005-08-02]

    3. No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

    1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

    2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

    3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

    4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

    5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

    So, Windows is *not* a virus.

    4. That its ok to use plumbers tape to reattach a cut cable in your house. That it COULDNT POSSIBLY BE THE CAUSE OF YOUR GHOSTING AND LINES IN PICTURE. That when I snip the wire and put a real fitting on, it was just a cowinicidence (shutup I cant spell that) that everything is CRYSTAL CLEAR. That I will kiss your ass and not walk out while you talk out your ass that your jury-rig job was just fine. [2005-03-19]

    5. That its my fault you didnt pay your bill and now I'm @ your front door with the Godfather attitude of "Fuck you, pay me".....that its my fault your daughter caught the clap..... o actually it is. [2005-02-16]

    6. That when I am toning out your cable outlet to find out where it is in the ratnest of a box outside, that its OK to unhook it when I leave, thereby giving me a extra 20 minutes outside in the FUCKING COLD ASS IOWA WINDCHILL CAPITAL WHILE YOUR TOASTY WARM YOU FUCKING PIECE OF WORTHLESS LEFTOVER JIZZ ON A NUDIE BOOTH WINDOW. *pants* I'm better now. Someone pass the cocoa please. [2005-02-16]

    7. That you have the intellegance to hook up a DVD player to your TV. That you can figure out what a monkey with a 2 lb brain tumor could. LITTLE COLORED WIRES IN THE LITTLE COLORED HOLES. Not only did this cheese dick have NONE of the colors matching, he didnt even have all the wires in the same input in the TV.

    Did he perchance have all the wires horizontally instead of vertically you ask?


    He had all the wires in random spots wondering why his DVD dont work.

    What is that? You thought I was the cable field tech and not a DVD guru? WHY YOUR CORRECT!!!!

    Then why was I in the home?
    *back to the beginning like Pulp Fiction*

    Base to 54
    54 here
    I need you to take care of this 'must do' (has to be completed asap {SUPPOSED to be no pictures only})
    Ok Base, pen ready, whats the problem and address?
    1234 A Dumbass Lives Here RD and needs..... ummmmmm hisdvdplayerhookedupitsnotworking
    **acid drips from his fangs** Base, you did NOT say that I am rushing out to hook up a guys DVD player. If you did, print that out and have it on Dennis's desk, thats bull. Is there anything in there about charge?
    Not that I can see
    Yeah, well he's getting a $42 truck roll fee for this if he REALLY wants me to come out there.
    54? Its only $16 to hook up customer equipment.
    Theres a stupidity tax for calling the cable company to hook up your DVD player (yes I did)
    Go away 54
    54 clear

    I called him and told him there would be $58 for hooking up his DVD player (42+16=58) and he didnt like that at all since the CSR said it would be free. I informed him that the charges are not going to be waived PERIOD for a noncablecompany problem. He wasnt happy about the stupidty tax, but since he's stupid he has to pay.

    Time in the house? 2 minutes
    Time getting to the TV? 1 and a half
    Seeing a customer get bright red realizing he just paid $58 for 30 seconds of work? PRICELESS

    8. That when CABLE COMPANY comes to install/fix your internet connection, that when you leave us alone for 30 minutes, that we dont do a search for .avi .mpeg. wmp and see what porn you have.
    Then send it to our gmail acct and erase the evidence.

    9. That when you block a residental road by talking with your chum in the other lane, thereby blocking the road, that I wont use my 2,500,000 candlepower Light from God to light up the road to 'see the house Im looking for'


    Dipshits couldnt even get my plate they were legally blind.

    Puff Puff Give Blindtech.

    10. That I'm joking when I tell you I'm going to have mainenance remove your POS tree from the realm of the living. That I give a fuck about you in any way/shape/form. That tree is within the boundaries of our easement and totally enveloping my telephone pole. Do you see the little line on your bill marked "Franchise Fee" ??? That money goes to your city for using their pole. IE IF ITS IN MY WAY I CAN AND WILL TAKE IT DOWN. I WAS GOING TO TRY AND TRIM IT NICELY SINCE YOU WERE IN THE BACKYARD LIKE A REVERSE PORCH MONKEY, BUT SINCE YOUR A ASSFUCKING BUTT CLOWN SPED WITH ATTITUDE,,,,,,,,BUHBY TREE. [2004-08-09]

    11. That just because I look good in the issued shirt and my butt is nice in jeans, that when I bend over on all 4's to plug in the TV you can sneak up and smack my ass and ask "what can I do for free cable?"

    Fucking sluts.

    12. That when I say my name is "Tim" that calling me "Timothy" is ok..........That I wont take it out on you by disabling your box when all you did was call in to make a payment. Sactaminous asshat. [2004-05-05]

    13. That 50% off is different than 1/2 off. Morons [2004-04-22]

    14. Misconseption. I like fixing the fun calls. I like talking to 150 year old men who are pissy that our service sucks. I like having him 1. turn on the tv. 2. turn it from 58 to channel 3. 3.turn on the cable box. 4. Not thank me for not calling him a fucktard to his face.


    15. That when I ask how the wires are connected after you tell me you moved the living room, you can say "This wire goes here and this wire goes there." That it WILL NOT get a comment from me of "This and that doesnt help me. I cannot see what your doing." I wish your father hadn't put his that in your moms there, then I wouldnt be talking to you right now [2004-04-20]

    16. That when you have so much background noise, that I think you have your head in a washing machine I wont hang up on you. [2004-03-31]

    17. That you have to sit on hold for 15+ minutes to tell me that you found your username/password, then hang up.....Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? [2004-03-27]

    18. If you dont know the time OR the channel that your program is on, dont be pissed off when I have no friggin place to start looking. Cause I AINT looking thru one week of 250+ channels for you. When I try to be nice and ask the name of the program and you say "iditerad" that doesnt help either CAUSE YOU CANT SPELL IT EITHER SO HOW CAN I????

    Anyone know WTF is a "Ititerad race?"

    19. That cranking the tv that is getting snow is the BEST way to let me know that service is out. That I dont mind AT ALL that I am getting a headache listening to you scream over the TV becuase your TOO STUIPD to have common sense. [2004-01-07]

    20. That I dont care that you are multitasking by talking to me and the yellow pages to get a add put in. That I dont mind being asked to hold every other sentence. That I wont say "Please hold" and then hit the release button. [2003-09-04]

    21. That you can just send a note in your bill that says 'I have your service and was unable to recieve all the channels. I had to go out and buy a VCR because my TV isnt cable ready. I am going to short change you $5 a month for 12 months.' This was given to me from my co-worker who does billing. She wanted me to call the moron back and explain life to him. I did. And I used the old phone system that cannot be monitored. End result, I cut his service off and told him to quit smoking crack, then hung up.....o yeah I used a false name of 'Ramero'. God I love not being monitered. [2003-09-04]

    22. That no matter how bluntly I explain it, YOU CANNOT HAVE A TV INSTALLED TO A P.O. BOX. That I need the physical address. I dont give a @#%# how paranoid you are, give it up or dont get cable. [2003-09-04]

    23. That you can admit that the dog chewed your (our) cable line and that you can chew my a$$ out cause i cant (wont) get someone out there asap......He mellowed out quick when i told him i had the option to charge him for destruction of our property. <STFUEU!!!!> <<end BTFH>> [2003-08-02]

    24. That if you callin on a shitty cell phone with a shitty indian accent and speak your phone # as fast as possible that I will Not hang up on you while going ...........i...........hear..............speak..................are..............this................burrkiss................goodby..........<click> [2003-07-31]

    Tech Rules

    1. Never give a fuck about a customer, see rule #1, they are a direct correlation. Always charge the dumbfucks who cannot change the batteries in their remote. When they start to cry and moan about "I'm on a fixed income", change the charge from $30 truck roll to $30 truck roll + $5 for batteries. Fuck you and your 2006 caddy in the driveway you tittie-scrapping-on-the-concrete old skank. [2006-03-01]

    2. Shiny side up. If you dont follow rule, then 30 minutes of useless troubleshooting will ensue. God I hate being a retard some days. [2005-10-21]

    3. "Your password must contain a number, an upper and lower case character, and a special character. Passwords cannot contain more than 3 of the following properties: repeating characters, incremented or decremented numeric or alphabetic strings. Please try again." Fuk you. I tried it the 1st time with burkis1 and you said "It must be 8 characters" then I did burrkiss1 and you gave me that crap. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT AND QUIT CHANGING IT...........asshats. [2005-09-17]

    4. When installing high speed cable internet, dont, I repeat DONT use the customers Favorites to show how much faster the connections is to dial up. Just incase the husband (standing right behind you) is only smart enough to rename a link from a dog fucking a chick site, to ESPN Fantasy Football, so that his wife (also standing right behind you) doesnt find out about his perversion.

    I actually got to call a customer a 'dog fucker' to his face after he had the balls to get pissed at me.

    5. That when doing sucktomers internet installing, ALWAYS use first inital and last name @cable for email address, and ALWAYS use 'starfish' as the password. [2005-05-03]

    6. Always buy a pair of thermal underwear that is one size too small. They hug the junk in an over affectionate way. MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah. [2004-12-14]

    7. That when you dont have enough work to go around, then have me audit peoples work. Ok thats fine. BUT HALF OF IT IS STUFF I HAVE DONE IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS!!!! HELLo!! I dont even need to goto the farking address, I know its correct, CAUSE I FARKING DID IT LESS THAN 2 WEEKS AGO!!! This was for about 25% of my work today. I just wrote that I audited them, and took a DOOZY of a lunch. *grin* [2004-09-20]

    8. When you come home from a Midwest BBQ on Sunday and see 2 Alliant Electrical Company boom trucks in front of your house, that a bad thing ummmmkay? [2004-09-05]

    9. Peeing from the top of a 28' ladder is cool. [2004-08-30]

    10. Watch out for poison ivy/oak/sumak. IT FUCKING SUCKS HAIRY RAT BALLS. I would sell my soul to be able to scratch the shit out of myself right now. [2004-08-09]

    11. There is nothing like jeans fresh out of the dryer to make your crotch feel good. [2004-08-05]

    12. Dont call in so stoned that you cannot find the BIG WHITE POWER BUTTON ON THE BOX. Once you find this button, the tech on the phone will try and not ask you "Is it 4:20 yet?" [2004-05-13]

    13. Inverse Voice Volume. This is the effect of my voice getting softer and quieter the more background noise. It will continue until the other person figures out to stop the noise/ask someone to turn the A:TV off or B: Radio off. OR disconnects.

    I have my hearing and I would like to not be deaf from 120 decible thru the headset or mute and lose money cause I cant be on the phones from screaming.

    14. If you bitch about getting stuck on hold for 1 hour im going to give you credit. NOT. and bitching to my supe will still get you jack and shit. and feel free to give me attitude after i point out that others are going to have longer hold times now that your being a whiny bitch. fuck you and the horse you rode in on. [2004-03-11]

    15. When I give you the codes for the remote to control your TV, and I say "0054". That just like the front of the checking acct # the zeros dont count......then B1tch when "54" doesnt work. [2003-12-08]

    Customer Types

    1. So close and yet so far.
    I go out for a upgrade. Customer service has notes that say 'Has DVR box, needs compontent cables for HD'. Ok, fine. Take about 5 minutes TOPS. Customer service charged $41.99 unwired install. I go out with audio/component cables and notice everything is plugged in. Except that the Pb (Pretty Blue. Its how I remember it. Lemmealone) cable is barely on.

    I push it it. *snicker*

    I have sub sign work order. Time in house 2 minutes. Cost $42. He should have bought a hoooker for 30 minutes.

    2. Hoverer
    This type hovers right over your shoulder while your working. Like they even know what dbmv is, or what a good reading is. Oh, now I'm screwing on a connector, wow isnt that shiny!!! Why do these type ALWAYS stink? *sniffs* O nevermind, thats me.

    3. Mrs Senile
    Yeah,,,,,,,,,so there I was precalling Dorthy Magginstein for a trouble call. Had to make sure the broad was home or I aint showing. It took about 3 minutes to get her to understand that I was the cable guy that SHE called and said I needed to fix the TV/cable. Yeah......... Mrs. Loo loo didnt even remember placing the call. I had to fight to get her to tell me the problem, as her senility was probably contagious. I finally deduced that her "no picture" was probably the TV not being on 3.

    What FUCKWIT sold her digital?????

    I tell her to push 'tv' on the remote and then press '0' '3'. What does she do? I'm asking you. Guess, just guess. DING DING DING you got it. She fucking made the phone scream in my ear. She hit the buttons on the phone. Shit. Now I gotta go over and smell her in person. Fuck I hate my job. Someone email me a beer and a phattie.

    4. Instant Diet
    HAHAHAHA My butt looks totally slim now. Yesterday it was fat. Today its nice and slim. All of you fat assed star gazers better stay away from me. I dont want to catch that big butt disease again. (br) New line.

    5. i AM the right of way. Actually, I AM
    This type thinks that I will come down from 25' about ground, move my truck, my ladder so that you can drive through the alley. FUCK YOU ASS HAT. See the flashing light on top? yesssssssss look closely into the light. your gettttting slleeeeeeppy. I am going to count backwards from 3 to 1, your going to go deeper into sleep with each number. 3 deeper and deeper,

    *chuckle* I said deeper and deeper. *chuckle*

    2 deeper and deeper yet (ooooo baby) 1 your asleep. Now listen to my voice.


    6. Ewwww
    The "I kiss my mother the same way Burrkiss kisses his wife"

    *sticks finger down throat* HUWWARFFFFF

    7. The cute wife
    This is the type that will hire you to replace her computer. PLEASE!!!! Its 1.1 Ghz P3, 512MB RAM maxed out, 32MB AGP maxed (only gets agp 4x). I would do the labor for free or maybe some kinky games of hide the skin flute.


    8. Mrs. Yoda
    If Yoda ever had a wife, I just talked to her.

    Nice little old lady, but sounded like Yoda in voice inflection and language pattern

    "My cable service you could please change yes?"

    9. Stuipd Funny Moron
    You think its funny to give me my companies phone # and expect me to send a tech to home office cause the cable isnt working. Yeah thats origional and really funny. NOT

    10. Glutton for Punishment
    Sub has Aol and us the high speed internet (1500k download). Lady calls in upset becuase outlook express is too complicated for her.
    ok. our email doesnt USE outlook.
    She still pays AOL $25 a month. Wants to disconnect OUR service becuase OE is too tough
    I tried to tell her that we dont have anything to do with OE and we have our own email. I even offered to send out a tech to manually transfeer her address book to our email.
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo thats not what she wants. She wants to keep the service she hates and cancel the service that is 20 TO 30 TIMES FASTER AND BETTER.

    I think I found the type of person that likes to get kicked with steel toe boots in the head.



    11. Elmer Fudd/Foghorn Leghorn
    Combo dialact of Elmer Fudd/Foghorn Leghorn....."I say I say the cord dont dont seem to reach to the TV the TV." with the voice of Fudd. I had co-workers listening in on my headset laughing their collective butts off. (it was a woman to top it off)

    12. Its too difficult
    This is all to change the time display on the box....."1. Hit Menu then 2.setup then 3.cable box then hit 4.OK.....EU: But thats too difficult, just send someone out. Me(after trying to get them to do 4 easy steps) I can send a tech out, but since you dont want to fix this over the phone, there will be a $50 minimum to have the tech spend 1 minute to fix this problem. EU:NIPnipNEEPneep whaa ME: your choice, we can have this fixed in 30 seconds, or pay $50........I should not have to threaten people to fix their problems.....*sigh*

    13. Stutter
    No offence intended, but when a stutter tries to give his/her acct makes me want to cry outta frustration from not wanting to ask him to repeat it, since Im totally confused.

    14. Beeper
    "thank you for calling BEEP BEEP BEEP" My responce either <click> or "Stop pushing buttons please"

    15. Rambler
    This type doesnt have a flow patern in words or thoughts, makes troubleshooting a *****. Then they get pissed off when you dont know what the hell is going on.

    16. Are you still there?
    Are your still there?...."yes" 5 seconds later Are your still there?...."yes" 5 seconds later Are your still there? "YES" 5 seconds later.Are your still there? "No"....'fish didnt even know what i said.

    17. Long Winded
    BlahBlahBlah......................"Now also"...................."And Then"......................"About This other thing" AUGH S.T.F.U. YOUR ANAL RETENTATIVE AND I DONT CARE TO WASTE MY TIME ON YOU

    Co-Worker Types

    1. A$$ muching paper warrior
    So these paper warriors have come to the $60,000+ per year decision that we need to recycle the paper clips given to techs......We get our days work orders in a stack with a paper clip holding all our work together.............yeah, those 40 paperclips per day are fucking killing us.

    2. Contractor
    The stupid assfucks that slipslap a job like a 16 yr old geek with a Sears underwear catalog. That causes me to get my ass chewed on like a piece of beef jerky covered in hot sauce. Gawd I hate contractors.

    3. FSB
    1st I must apolize to FrontSideBus for inadvertenly linking his name to this coworker.
    We have a asshole how is a tech with cable company. He decided to "bang" one of the lease desireable women I have ever met. He let some of his "deviant" tastes in sex be known to this woman. Mainly asking for things to be shove up his butt during sex. He then dumps her like a load in a toilet. She then lets ALL the techs know about his "deviant" tastes in butt objects. I started calling him FrontSideBus.
    Why? F.S.B.
    Stick of

    He doesnt understand the new nickname of FrontSideBus.

    4. CFYOS
    Cant Fix Your Own Sh!t.

    I was having slow cable speed (and I'm a tech). What do I do? Check the signal @ the modem. Kinda low. Start changing fittings, the stinger was too long. Check signal @ splitter. Engh ok. Change more fittings. Comp still poochy. Change 4 way splitter into a 2 way (gain more signal). Comp still poochy. Bypass the !#%^! hub. MACH 5.5. Time wasted? 1 hour+.

    5. Pre-Pee Handwasher
    This type walks into the bathroom, washes his hands, then pees........I mean HOW dirty do your hands have to be to have to be washed BEFORE touching your tally-wacker?

    6. !@$%!@&!@$$% Morning Person
    When its 755am on Sat, I dont want you bubblyer than a HS cheerleader. Dont be surprised when I warn you that I am going to ram my pen in your eye if you dont tone it down 3 notches. I dont come in and spout I HATE MORNINGS at the top of my lungs trying to impose my view upon you. SO STFU ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    7. Total lack of training.
    Here is why people need more that "here is the book read it" training. This is the email I sent to my supe.

    Sub was working with "stu" stacy. sub wanted to talk with stacy since she had talked with her twice before. (the box wasnt working or showing channels, sub was just installed). stu sent light then warm, then cold @ different times per sub. no effect. stu noted that if the hits dont work, roll truck. sub called in and got me.
    i put tv on channel 3.

    can you please have stu recieve somemore training?


    I mean SERIOUSLY!!! This is step 1 for any problem with digital tv. *grumble*

    8. Wanna be Hitler
    The bosses are gone so they appointed a "snitch". This person jumps all over me asking "Well what time is your lunch?"

    Now I have been on the phones for the last 20 minutes AFTER I got back from lunch. I am usually a mellow person who likes my coworkers but this is a bit annoying.
    Me: "Well that big list that has everybodies lunch time on it? Yeah just look at that and figure out that I got back 20 minutes ago" At this I turn my back.

    25 minutes later I get up to go take a leak. There is only 1 thing the direction of the bathroom, the bathroom. I walk back 2 minutes later and get "You need to stay on the phone."

    Now im getting seriously annoyed.
    Me:"Yeaaaah, ok look. Why dont you go get me a 2 liter and cut the top off, then I will stay at my desk and drain it right into the 2 liter. Could you do that for me Mrs Hitler?"

    This of course starts a little 'power war'. Not a good choice on her part since 1. she aint my boss. 2. I have a acid tounge and can now use it since she aint a customer.
    Mrs Hitler "You got back from lunch 45 minutes ago, you shouldnt have to goto the bathroom so soon you slacker."

    OOOOOOOOOOOooooooo gloves are off now. "Yeah, bend your mind around this simple logic. Lunch. Food. Drink. Liquid. Bladder. 1 hour later. Full Bladder from Liquid. Pee Time. Did you follow that or would you like me to get a magic marker and make you a big sign?"

    About here Q the other coworkers snikering and trying not to look like they were listening. When you not a customer DONT try and power trip me........if you a customer dont try it either, i accidently discon .

    Probably more to come.

    9. Mrs Hitler Part 2.
    Mrs Hitler Part 2. Im in the break room @ 7pm. Like always. On the phone with my wife. (we work oppisite schedules). Like always. 5 minutes into the call Mrs Hitler walks in again. "Are you on break or just slacking again.?"

    Ok now im at the stage where im about to shove her cane where the sun shines. (between her ears). Note, my wife is still on the phone. And noone else is within ear shot. "Ok look bitch. 1. your not my boss.
    2. your too stupid to even figure out how to read a lunch/break schedule.
    3. Im on the phone with my wife. my wife who i would kill myself for.
    4. you are the type i would kill for myself.
    5. if you dont back the hell off me I will send your phycial address to every nasty porn site I can find and you can enjoy dealing with the dregs of humanity trying to get you into latex and heels.
    6. Im going to vomit now becuase of that visual. NOW LEAVE

    She did


    Im about to finish a war here and bring in a recorder tommorrow just to have her overbossyness on record so that my REAL boss (who likes me a lot hehe) can snap her back into the 3rd Reich.

    10. Mega Flipper
    lifetime/trading spaces/Lifetime/Trading Spaces/LIFETIME/TRADING SPACES/LIFETIME!!!!/TRADING SPACES!!!!!..........I hate both shows but for the love of the fat little buddah STOP FLIPPING THE #%!% CHANNELS EVERY 3.1437945 SECONDS!!!!!

    *pant* *pant* I have started hitting 'tv/vcr bypass' button and watching how long it takes the ladies to figure it out. 1st time over 5 minutes. 2nd time ~2 minutes. 3rd time 1 1/2 minutes. 4th time busted I was LMAO.

    11. Total loss of temper Guy
    (me) The type who gets SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed at a little old lady who is trying to hook up a new cable box who DOESNT FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS and wastes a buttload of your time. Then in a fit of rage whirls around at throws his bic (i said BIC you pervs) into the wall. INTO the drywall. point first. Looks like I get to fix a hole in the drywall this weekend. Good thing I know how.

    12. Bored and Antsy
    This is me. Got slooooooooow Q today so I got bored and played with the intercom.

    /pssssst "Would the owner of the turkeys please come to the break room, they are eating the furniture"

    I ended up with someone else in the office clicking on the intercom and laughing... well, I got peopel to smile. :D

    13. Chick next to me
    has a COPOTD of "Dont make me laugh or I'm going to fart" INFO OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    14. This guy worries me
    Same guy that did the '2 Legit 2 Quit' just walked up to me, picked up the 'dog lint roller' and started delinting my shoulder while singing "Rubber Ducky".........WTF?!!?! I didnt even say anything, I just glared him into the next cube.

    15. Rouge Dancer from the 80's
    When im sitting in my cube and some freak dances across the floor singing MC Hammers "2 Legit 2 Quit" and doing the hand motions. OMFG I almost sheet myself. Im going to go find out what drugs he's on and get some.

    16. Not going to be MY coworker
    When you call in to have HR check on the status of your app, dont be a jacka$$ and insulting/demeaning when I refuse to give you their direct #, ALL I CAN DO IS TAKE A MESSAGE TO THEM.....if it hadnt *accidently* fallen into the trash <grins>

    17. Me Revenge Against The Annoying =RATA
    I have a annoying coworker. List is too long to I have been eating huge amts of meat with hothothot sauce on it....tears the ass outta me. So when I feel the black cloud of death knocking at my brown-starfish, I put the person on hold, walk by her desk, to get a glass of water, bathroom, printout etc, I let a mofo fart that would remove the paint off your car right next to her and keep walking....she is getting really pissed off, and there is nothing she can do about it.....god I love venting the rage from EU's onto the p.o.s. sitting next to me....(yes im evil) <bows>

    18. Gall Durned Vulture
    Im doing csr and tech phone calls. This big wig from corp (ie. Farking moron with no real work exp.) is hovering over my shoulder yapping about stupid stuff during a slow period. I get a call for someone to cancel service...sub"I cant afford the high speed digital anymore i need to disconnect service."...I accept this fact and schedule him for discon. After the call the Vulture was shocked "You didnt even try to save him"...<internal rolling of eyes> "When the sub says they cant afford our service, I have found that they get upset and angry when I attemp to save them, then the last image they have of ****** is a irritating csr/tech trying to squeeze the last penny out of them. When think I can save them I usually do." I look on his face was priceless, cause I used full BS-CSR mode, AND HE BOUGHT IT!!!! He was actually impressed with my honesty. IRONY AT ITS FINEST!!!!!! (tommorrow I am probably going to be unemploed)

    She stares at me all day and just yapyapyaps, for minutes on end. Every 10 minutes i look up from my game im playing and answer "huh?" i dont even look up....and go back to playing....she still doesnt get it IM IGNORING YOU!!!!! <end rant>

    Customer E-mails

    1. Subject: Customer E-mail ADDRESS He is a dentist. Scares me. F.Y.I. he is in the Madison IA area, so be very afraid.

    EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)

    1. Nothing says cleavage like a seatbelt down the middle.

    Two guesses who said it.

    2. NVIDIA GFORCE4 4200 VIDEO CARD WITH 64 MEGA RAM......... wow! MEGA ram. That must be better than normal ram. *snicker* [2005-03-24]

    3. "You expect now me to read the fine print".....ME:"No actually I dont. I also dont expect you to complain about the fine print when there is something there, and now your getting educated about it".....(He didnt like that answer and wanted my supe, who took my back and blasted him again for not reading before signing) [2004-04-13]

    4. "Can I have High-Speed-Internet for a reasonable price?".............You mean I cant charge $500 per month? Poo [2004-03-31]

    5. (My company)is port scan attacking my computer"........"yeah, how about I transfeer you over to Tier1" [2004-03-27]

    6. How can I tell if the internet is out?.........."It doesnt work" (WTF is wrong with people?) [2004-03-23]

    7. Whats a area code? [2004-03-23]

    8. I have a "net"work card cause I use "Net"scape


    9. asking about my name. "How do you spell your name"...."Tim"...."what?" "T" "I" "M"..."Ken?" AUGHHHHHHH!!! "Yes" (whatever) [2004-03-04]

    10. Me:May I have your address?
    DumDum:I only have one
    Me: Yeah Im sure you do, can I have it?

    Whiskey Tango Foxtrot do you think I am? Psychic? Or that I CARE in any way/shape/form? Cause your wrong on BOTH accts. *hmpf*

    11. Yeah, If I drop the digital portion of my cable service will I still get the Toon channel?
    Will I get the Disney channel?
    How about the Playboy and Spice channels?

    A little something for the kiddies and a little something for the adults?

    12. "Can you help me seperate the fly shit from the pepper?" [2003-12-12]

    13. THE EUPOTD? My soapbox.....//runs like a fiend to the fallout shelter and locks the door// [2003-12-09]

    14. (its 8:55am) "Yeah, I have a tech coming here from 8-10 and i have a apt @ noon, is he running late?".......... [2003-12-06]

    15. My coworker actually " I must be hooked up to the dumb line" [2003-11-29]

    16. D.S.L. through cable line [2003-11-29]

    17. "How long would it take you to email me my email password?"......

    1. I aint HSD

    2.Its irrellivant, since its a paradox.

    18. "The state of Iowa wont pay late fines".....The ONLY reason I didnt stonewall was becuase the cop on the other end of the phone was just a peon like me. Otherwise if Godfather time "fuck you pay me. Oh, your house burnt down? fuck you pay me. Oh you got your paycheck late? fuck you pay me."...................I HAVE TO PAY LATE FEES **TO** THE STATE, BUT THE STATE **NEVER** HAS TO PAY???????? I hate double standards. [2003-11-18]

    19. "see" I HATE that. "Yes, I just got this bill in the mail, see" Dammit stop, your NOT Bugsy, he would 'remove' you from active life. I think "see" is even worse than the dredded "ya know?" [2003-10-29]

    20. ME:Whats your address? EU:I just talked to sara, she knows ME:I dont..............again with same eu......"We will need your photo id and you to be there for the time of installation. EU: Is my photo ID my drivers liscene? ME: Does it have your photo on it? EU:Yes ME: Then it is......side note. I have been more and more willing to point out the stupid things these people do. MAYBE just MAYBE they will figure out they are too stupid to live and remove themselves from the gene pool. [2003-10-11]

    21. "The buddy thinng".........*blinkblink* ME:HUH???............turns out she was talking about a router [2003-10-08]

    22. Me: What is your zip code? EU:yeah Me:*pause* That wasnt a yes/no question, what is your zip code? EU: I dont know. ME *bangs head into monitor* [2003-10-07]

    23. "Whats the fastest land animail" ME: Cheetah, now tell me why you called me, im not the Guiness Book of world records EU:I know, but I just hit redial and thought I would ask ME: Your Welcome *click* [2003-10-04]

    24. EU: How long do I have till you shut off my service? ME: 5 days EU: From when? ME:(Actually said this) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh today when else would it be?" EU: Oh, I didnt know. Yeah honey, theres a lot o things you dont know, now tell me something I dont know. [2003-10-02]

    25. I did this one. I was relaying a message for the Regional Manager of the whole area. Mr. Kohlbeck. "This is burrkiss from *****. Mr. Colonbrick I am leaving this message for ......" Do I need to say more? I hate being stupid. [2003-10-01]

    26. This is the subs address 123 Teimahup LN....They pronunced it "Tie Me Up Late" [2003-10-01]

    27. "Can you tell me how to open ports on my router?"........No as we are not the people who made that router. EU"Who is that then?" ME: I dont know, look on the top of the thing " [2003-10-01]

    28. "Because you were laid." I think my co-worker meant to say "Because you were late.....but who knows for sure? [2003-09-06]

    29. "Ive ordered your service, then cancelled it. Why cant I get online?"..........Me: Because you cancelled it? EU: No, thats not it Me:(well, your not a customer so....BOFH time) Yes it is, have a nice day. [2003-09-06]

    30. Overhead from a co-worker. "No sir, thats you hard drive, your keyboard is........" [2003-09-04]

    31. "Does your highspeed internet come with virus protection?" Me:No "Well, It should" Me:You were born with sexual equipment, did God give you a condom? :click: I have had the fucking shittest day and am ready to quit. I figure I might as well get fired for firing my verbal pistol. I really just want a job as a garbage man. I dont have a sense of smell and dont care about ever talking to another human being. Fark 'em all (except the techs. luv you) [2003-09-02]

    32. Direct copy form corp email...............ISSUE: Customer calls because they received a past due letter that had the correct address and balance, but had the wrong name. RESOLUTION: Follow your standard call flow process of verifying the customer by name, address, telephone number and their Tax ID information. 1st Step: Apologize for the error on the letter, but reassure them that our records are correct in our billing system. Umm if there was an error, then our system is not correct.l Any 2 12 yr old knows this [2003-08-28]

    33. From my neighbor who talks too loud "OK sir, I can remove one of those for you (pay-per-view), would you like me to remove Black Panties or Naked Goddaughter?" HOLY #$@ I was on the phone and had to stick the guy on hold immediatly or I was going to bust out right in his ear. I picked back up after 10 seconds and told him that we were having random phone problems. [2003-08-13]

    34. "can you see what I'm doing on my TV set?" [2003-08-11]

    35. "I'll be wit ya ina sec" This from the dumba$$ that doesnt have a phone near the tv or computer so that easy and fast troubleshooting is impossible..........another quote from same guy. After me going well if my hit didnt fix things for you (it wont) then call us back in 45 minutes 5 times he bust out with this one "Well, I should hang up then?" Yup, and stop breathing too please, those of us who use our brains need the O2 more than you. [2003-08-07]

    36. "So, when you come out and install your High-Speed Digital Internet, will you bring us a computer?...........WTF???? Do you goto Handimart and get gas and then ask for a car to put it in? [2003-08-05]

    37. "I will let you talk to my husband, he is the technical one".......I swear to god he had Downs Syndrome. I would have prefeered to talk to the smart-sounding non-techie woman. (no offence intended for anyone's relatives) [2003-08-04]

    38. "I was playing with my girlfriends X-Box"............ then keep playing with it, and stop talking to me!!!!! [2003-08-04]

    39. "I was in Australia playing cards and the National Weather Service tests came on the TV and I got kicked off." WAAAAA I give a flying crap? Then this brown starfish whine again about "I had money on the table and I lost it, I'm very upset" <evil BOFH mode> "Well, then I am required by law to report you to the authorities for gambling over the international boarders. Thanks you for calling <click>. God I wish I could have seen his face.<end BOFH mode> [2003-07-10]

    40. "Computer imaged BDU uniforms" does anybody know WTF this means? [2003-07-03]

    41. this users last name is u'ren [2003-07-03]

    42. Me:"Your bill will be increasing $4 next month" EU: "So how much will my bill be then?" ME: "$4 more than it was" Hell, that just slipped out, luckly I dont think she caught the sarcasm. [2003-07-02]

    43. "I dont know the zip code, I just live here" yeah, I just poop from there but I cant find my head up it, is what you meant to say [2003-07-02]

    44. "This credit card number that you want, where do I start"..................ummmm left? [2003-07-01]

    45. "donthangupdonthangupdonthangupdonthangupdonthangup" after her phone went to LOUD static. She was chanting it like a mantra....O num she by, O num she by, O num she by. (/end Dr. Jones) [2003-06-26]

    46. "I didnt know I had to have my computer @ home to get my cable internet installed" All snide analogys welcome....this bone-head then had the balls to command me to put him on the very 1st apt of the responce "No" just a flat "No" Eu"What did you say" Me:I said "no" we are not going to give you priority and push aside other customers that know enough to have the computer home for a computer related install" EU: IWANT YOUR SUPERVISOR ME <evil grin and voice> "I am the supervisor sir, and you can reschedule this normally or I can disconnect this call" After about 1minute of grumbling and moaning and bellyaching, I shecheduled him for 3 days out (I actually had an install time for the next day, but, FARK HIM). <end BOFH mode> [2003-06-26]

    47. My co-worker told me this one. See previous post. These were the notes on the lady who jsut called in. "Sub called in crying because HSD is down. Trans to Tier1".....READ A BOOK B!TCH...and take your meds [2003-06-25]

    48. "when your tech came out he didnt teach me who to play a vcr tape." ......Did he forget to teach you how to wipe your arse too? Can he help you boil water? [2003-06-24]

    49. "were golden" ok am i the only one who is thinking of showers? [2003-06-24]

    50. After I asked her to power-cycle her modem..."Honey can you get me the ladder?"......I was so courious that I asked her if she was getting a ladder, she laughed and explained that the power outlet was on the top of a ledge at about 7' up. [2003-06-24]

    51. In a conversation about signal strength to her home...." So, when the tech gets out here, he can figure out why I'm not getting any (signal)?"........<mute> ROGL "Yes and for a $200 tip, he can get you some <unmute> [2003-06-24]

    52. While trying to troubleshoot a tv......"Where is the channel up button"....WTF?? HOW DO YOU CHANGE CHANNELS??? mystic mind-power? <end griping> (i have too many posts from EU's and 1/2 IQ monkeys [2003-06-20]

    53. "Im going to have to get off my big fat duff?"....anybody else thirsty like Homer? [2003-06-17]

    54. "Your hold music sound like funeral music." (it does)...this poor old lady probably felt her own mortality after being on hold. [2003-06-17]

    55. "Thank God, St. Anthony and Jesus!!!!1 I found the remote!!!"................yeah lady, God gave enough of a crap to take time outta his 'organize the universe' day to help you find your remote. [2003-06-17]

    56. I need to go upstairs and get on the basement computer..........Who the hell was this guy? Batman? [2003-06-05]

    57. "27.50 install fee? nervous giggle then <snort>" I almost fell outta my chair laughing (she sounded so cute till she snorted) [2003-06-04]

    58. "I did a self-install" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO TROUBLESHOOT YOUR SCREWUP!!! I have lunch in 2 hrs.!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [2003-06-04]

    59. Context Sending a tech out for onsite work of a female sub. Lady:" So when can the tech come" <mute> Well I dunno, do you know how to tea bag? <unmute> [2003-06-04]

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