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Here is all the content that cyberblade3001 has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
Comparison between MS and Linux Users
We recently launched a new website, here are the only two feedback entries to date that mention what operating system they are using:
"what did you do , the audio is terrible and i can't understand. I guess God is punishing me for try ing to listen I guess I WON'T DONATE ANY MORE. Too bad I realy enjoyed listening every day for my devotion, but this new site dosn't work well wit hthis vista program I whish you would go back or fix" vs "Possible web page glitch: I note that under news -> events that the calendar box toward the right side of the page doesn't appear to scale. It extends to the right beyond the right hand edge of your content window. Browser is Firefox 3.0.19 running on Redhat Linux." Both of those copied and pasted exactly as received...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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There's plenty of the latter type using Windows; but there's precious few of the former type that use Linux. They're scared of it because it's unfamiliar. - OgdenTechGuy
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2.
A bad geek joke to start the day...
chown -R us ./base
[By: cyberblade3001]
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nice, took me a second. very clever. (golf Clap) -drachen
I would have used "chown -R us /home/your/base", but everyone's filesystem is different... -chazz
Took me a second. Very good. In my defense, I've had much to drink of the alcoholic kind! -Caboose447
chown -R us ~/base/* -Jack
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4.
The sign we all wish we had
I'm sure many of you don't follow this comic, so I thought I'd share. http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20090313
Isn't that exactly what we all feel?
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Already saw this as the Link, but yes, this would be awesome everywhere tech support exists ;) -elcapitane
oops... my bad. I checked all of todays stories before posting, forgot to check LoTD. -cyberblade3001
Well, if you wanna be professional about it. Personally, I have this on my cube: http://www.voidspace.org.uk/gallery/silly/big_cup_of_STFU.jpg -Biosynthetic
Biosynthetic, does that come in Decaf? <dives UNDER lart shelter> -udoshan
I kinda like this one. I have to remember that recipe. http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20090302 -MarloVino
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5.
Specifics...
So, one of my users comes and says suddenly a bunch of email is missing from their inbox, sent items, etc... When did this happen? well, it happened suddenly sometime in the last 3 weeks. There's supposedly about 4000 emails missing... (that number is likely correct, sadly). I say fine, I'll look at the server. Nothing odd anywhere, and this user is the ONLY person who lost email (I wonder how that happened...) Fine, I have backups on tape. I email this user saying "give me a specific date when all these emails would have been there" as I'd need to restore from a specific tape. Their reply? One line: "From at least January of 2008"... I'm home early and I'm going to bed... Tomorrow I chose a date and tell them what they're gonna get.
[By: cyberblade3001]
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I'd say 1d4+1 months worth. -ShujinTribble
...but only if they make a saving throw versus Fatal Stupidity. -RiffRaff
Don't forget that they can get a +3 on their Month roll by casting "Pizza-n-Beer" -unrenowned
Roll two d6, and if they get less than 2 they get whatever they ask for! -Captain Trips
I have had several calls from people who 'lost' their email. Turns out that they all dragged the folder into another. -Holdfast
Have they made a Wisdom check to see how much they think they should ask for? Do they need to make a charisma roll to charm you into it, or is the user a cute lass? -Enzedder
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6.
The worst moments of my day...
starfish: "my stickies are all gone" solution: restart the 'stickies' application that the user had somehow quit. next starfish: "i can't read the names in the column!" solution: click and drag the column divider over so that it showed more than just the first letter of each name... worst moment of the day: "it wont collate my copies" me: "you're trying to collate 3 copies of one sheet of paper?"
[By: cyberblade3001]
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*Icelator's brain* Fuck this I'm out of here. -Icelator
Al's severely calmed down brain: screw this, I'm getting a milkshake -AdmiralLaurie
Fuck all that, I made brown.... -vacuumtubes
spitefultechs brain: jumper cables, small shovel, bag of lye, ferret in a clown costume . . . . . yes these things should solve the problem -SpitefulTech
*not thinking about how SpitefulTech knew where to get a clown's outfit in a ferret's size... _not_ thinkin' about it...* -Voz
"Ding dong. We have so many maggots, We have so many maggots,We have so many maggots, we got maggots on the line!" -Biosynthetic
Spiteful, you're not an engineer, are you? You keep forgetting the duck tape. :P -TheGhost
Voz: Doll shop -Icelator
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7.
The best moment of my day
A coworker had their home machine die recently... They had reinstalled windows, and though they had the media for MS Office Small business edition (which they'd gotten because they wanted access) they couldn't find the serial number... After fighting with MS they asked me if I could help (they wanted a serial number). I said that I didn't have any serial number I could give them, but I could show them some alternative software. After 10 minutes of showing them open office, they were thrilled. They kept going on about how they had thought any free software couldn't be any good, but how much they liked open office, and how they couldn't believe it was free. There's times I don't like my job-but moments like this make it worthwhile.
[By: cyberblade3001]
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That's great! Generally, once they actually see OpenOffice and discover that the work is still going to get done, They're happy. Besides, it's more productive and less stressful than arguing with Microsoft or paying them big bucks for mediocre software. -clockkingfl
YaY! I've been pushing OO and the Gimp on everyone I kmow. Some bite, and some don't. -ThinTheHerd
I've heard you have to pay the Gimp extra for biting.... -unrenowned
Pulp fiction...'nuff said. -lineswine
"...which they'd gotten because they wanted access..." Uh oh. Do you realize that Access is the one application for which O O has very limited compatibility? (Well, that one and Outlook, which doesn't even exist.) If all they want is to open already made databases, it "might" work. Otherwise, expect to hear more from them. :( -TheGhost
@TheGhost-their use of access was very small and non complex... They looked at the Database program and said it did everything they wanted. Your statement would otherwise be valid though. -cyberblade3001
In my experience MS Office has very limited compatibility with Access! 8^D -AussieFoot
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8.
I wanna new batteries
So here I am, trying to mind my own business, when someone comes up to my desk. "Can I have some batteries" they ask. "What?" say I, trying to pause my flash game. "Someone told me you had batteries" "Who said that?" I ask-preparing to add a name to my list. "I don't have batteries" I say, glancing around my desk to make sure that the last couple packs I snagged from the supply room are tucked away. "$Person was going to Office Depot, I asked for batteries but they said you had some". "Sorry" I say, "I don't have any. What do you need them for anyways?" "Well, my mouse is getting sluggish-last time I replaced the batteries and it started working again" Well, that sounds plausible I think-though maybe knocking some crud out of it could solve it... "OK" I say, "let me take a look at the mouse". So she reaches around the corner, to where she'd set it down, and starts to hand me the mouse-while holding it by it's cord. "Wait a minute", I say, "That mouse doesn't even HAVE batteries-look, you're holding it's USB cord!" "Oh, she says-you're right! It was just lagging, so I unplugged it to bring it to you!" I tried to focus my mental powers on having the cord wrap around her neck and strangle her, but to no avail-all I got was that strained look on my face as if I'd eaten too much cheese the last meal. "Ok, plug it back in-and reboot if you still have issues" I said. She did, her problem was solved. My problem isn't-fortunately I turned 21 yesterday-so there's a temporary solution I'll be implementing nightly now...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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but... but I thought USB meant "use standard batteries"... :P < locks himself in the LART shelter and prepares for the worst. > -TheGhost
Doesn't she know? Mice are wind-up now. Trackballs on the other hand are solar-powered, just like my flashlight. -Biosynthetic
Bio- Ohhh, so YOU needed the batteries? <Open the ding-dang door, Ghost! Lemmee INNN!> -Voz
A belated Happy Birthday to you! -Grue
'splain to her how every once in awhile she needs to put the usb plug in her mouth and blow real hard to re-pressurize the friction minimization hardware -stiffarm
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9.
I'm Sorry Dave
Ok, maybe I'm crazy... But I'd swear that the last commercial I saw for Jared (you know, that jewelry place) also had the car locking the guy in and saying "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that"... Either I'm crazy or they've finally got a commercial I like. Can anyone confirm/deny? (google has no clue).
[By: cyberblade3001]
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You're not crazy, that's how the commercial went down. My brother looked at me funny when I laughed after the GPS said that (guess he hasn't ever seen 2001:ASO). At least it didn't start singing "Daisy Bell"... -LinuXtreme
The first song played on an Altair 8800? -Seamus
Yeah, we saw that too, and went a little wide-eyed that a jewelry commercial would use such a geek reference. Kudos to the advertising agency. -RiffRaff
I doubt they were targeting geeks with that commercial. Probably using that to appeal to the older set of buyers, those with accumulated wealth to spend and old fashioned ideas about jewelry (aka the older generation). -srteach
More likely one of the ad execs was a geek and slipped the joke in, and it sailed over everyone else's head. -VFox
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10.
Dumb moment of the week
It took me 3 reboots, an msconfig and a system restore to realize that the touchpad buttons didn't work because they were disabled from the control panel. (User had an external mouse).
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Ouch. Been there. Deliberately hit the disable touchpad key on my laptop then preceeded to try use the touchpad. In my defense I'd been awake since Saturay morn, and it was Sunday night. -ApolloSZ
hell I just did that today. Working on a system, accidentally hit the button to disable the touchpad and commenced cussing the thing for a good 5 minutes until I figured out WTF I did -Crashville
Had a moment like that yesterday, on-site. Computer would send a print job, but it wouldn't print. Took about 5 minutes and a successful test page before I realized the guy's default printer wasn't even hooked up, and had to be changed to select the printer that actually existed. -CTYankee
In an effort to get a wifi link going I once powercycled a laptop three times, disabled and reenabled the wifi card twice, recreated the wifi settings, reinstalled the card drivers and reinstalled both TCP/IP and my firewall. I walked into the other room to powercycle the router and discovered it wasn't on. /cries... -caspian
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11.
On BCC
Well, today I got spammed by some recruiter or another... A position that I wouldn't want even if I felt like moving to MN, sent to an email address that I haven't given out for over a year. Here's the sad part-it has almost 300 email addresses in the CC line. Now, trying to recruit a Network Engineer (that was the position they were advertising for) by doing that is incredibly stupid. Still, I wasn't about to email the guy and confirm that it was a valid address... So I deleted it and went on. I just got another email-this from one of the guys who also got the original offer. It says "$name, Please learn to use bcc." Of course it was sent using "reply all"... I'm not sure which of the two emails was worse.
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Guess they found their new employee. -Ramblin
the worst part... it's taken about 20 emails from various other people who were all originally addressed for ONE person to write and say what idiots they all were for using the reply all (he used bcc)... -cyberblade3001
name of the company? -HappyCrappy
What if they checked 'Return Receipt"? That sort of thing may one day bring the interwebs grinding to a halt-when it does we should all call Al Gore and complain. -jerrybear
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12.
Linksys wants what?
So, I'm on the phone with Linksys, trying to sort out an RMA for a small switch that we use for when people travel offsite. I finally get past their menu's (I had to wait a while for it to time out when I refused to select 1 for Windows or 2 for Mac, and there were no more options...) Anyways, I start talking to the gal and I get the usual questions, name, phone number, email, then I get this one, "what is your ISP?". "Excuse me?" says I, trying to think of any reason why they'd need to know that. So again she says, "who is your Internet Service Provider", she's careful to say it slowly, to make sure I can understand her. I may be paranoid, but a hardware company wanting to know who my ISP is bothers me quite a bit. So I ask why she needs that information-she says she needs it for my record. Yep, you got it, Linksys collects your ISP along with your phone and email-probably makes a better package when they sell that information... Anyways I finally said that there was no way I would tell her my ISP as it had no relevance whatsoever on a dead switch and finally got past that. Still, it makes one wonder who they're selling the info to that wants that information...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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<devil's advocate> If you're RMA'ing a router, it might be useful information to find out which ISP had a problem - most returns for any computer equipment are in my experience interoperability issues or bad installation issues rather than dead harware - so a whack of RMAs from a particular ISP might point you at a PPPoE incompatibility with that ISP, or their refusal to troubleshoot a connection with a router involved, whatever - something that Linksys would definitely want to know about. </devil's advocate> Yes, we all know the policy should not apply to a switch but I'll bet it's impractical to have different policies for different gear. Just sayin'. -devzero
Hmmm...they seemed to have mellowed in the last few years. When I called, they wanted to know if my Speedo thong was lycra, mesh or razor wire. -Biosynthetic
Bah, they've gone downhill ever since Cisco bought them. I won't use them anymore -Spyder19
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13.
A Big Thanks!
A huge thanks to all those people I talked to at Apple this morning... Especially Jewel. Our Xserve was purchased one year and 1 week ago... And even so with only 2+ hours on the phone to various people I was able to purchase the AppleCare for it even though you shouldn't be able to. THIS is what apple has done right, their customer support. So if by chance anyone I talked to gets to see this, Alex says thank you, thank you very much. And for the rest of you-this is one of the reasons you learn to be extremely nice to the people you call asking for help...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Actually, Apple support is outsourced to a very interesting company. That company sets up individuals as independent businesses, which, in turn, support Apple, and a number of other companies that use the service. You, my friend, were talking to an independent businessperson, who just happens to contract their work out to Apple. It's kind of cool. -AngrySup
Well, however it's done... I talked to 6 different people (two of whom were either located in the Philippines or had not been in the us for too long-these were the persons at the end of the initial 1800...) In any case, they were great. -cyberblade3001
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14.
Jedi Mind Trick
Ok, so I figured it was time to check out the "new and improved" War Games flick... So here I am watching it, and during a two second shot of scrolling text-I saw something... So of course, I went back, and froze it right there... The best set of subroutine's I've seen in long while. I took a snapshot, to save you all the trouble-I uploaded it here: http://www.freeimagehosting.net/image.php?a8dbcf1860.png I'd tell you all how the movie ends-but I'm still in the middle of it-it does make some interesting commentaries on today's political climate, and how easily one could be incriminated. The tech use-so far MOSTLY realistic. For hollywood anyways.
[By: cyberblade3001]
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AWESOME! -Seamus
For total awesome, it would've been even better if they threw in the wonderful FCKGW-RHQQ2-YXRKT-8TG6W-2B7Q8 key for shits and giggles -deskmonkey
EXEC SCRIPT BUKK RIPLEY... Cue the zombie goat bukake comments. -Grembo
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15.
geek moment of the day (nt)
Well, I got one of those forwards-"How smart are you". One of the questions was "Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters “dw” and they are all common words. Name two of them. " Well, I first though of dwarrow, then dwarf, dwell and finally dwindle. But that's four. So I look at the answer-it says that the three possible answers were just dwarf, dwell and dwindle... Of course it's just a forwarded email-so I figure I'll look it up online and vindicate myself... So in goes "dwarrow" into google, and the wikipedia result tells me the following: that dwarrow is a term created and used solely by Tolkien, and only once used in his writing (Dwarrowdelf-also known as Khazad-Dum, or Moria)... So there you have it, the first word I could think of exists only once in literature, mentioned only in passing... Is this where I get the geek tshirt?
[By: cyberblade3001]
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dweeb -stiffarm
in the kingdom of nerds, speak friend and enter...;) -timelady
*snerks* I first thought of "dwarrow", too. -Seamyst
Three words for the dwarrow-lords in their halls of stone. -concept14
D'Whah? -TieDyedDinosaur
Also: dwaal ( http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/dictionaries/difficultwords/data/d0015270.html ); dwale ( http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Dwale ); and dwam ( http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_561504053/dwam.html )
-veaudaux
No Dwoink? -CyBear
Dweezil? -chazz
Dworst, as in, "That's dworst pizza I've ever eaten." [starts running] -MeanDean
Since when is a Jersey accent common, MeanDean? -PolarCoyote
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16.
NT/OT Crystal Skull
so... most of the office closed down for a 3 hour lunch break and went to see the new flick... twas decent-similar in plot to the previous ones. If you dislike any movies that involve aliens as a central plot theme you should avoid it. Otherwise was a, enjoyable movie, ok-but not great.
[By: cyberblade3001]
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gota give props to harrison,not to shabby for a 64yr young man,still one of the greats! -kagewrestler
Indiana Jones And The Broken Hip! -Seamus
Indiana Jones And The Retirement Home Of Doom? -flapjackboy
Indiana Jones And The Search For The Golden False Teeth -kagewrestler
Indiana Jones.. so very very tired. -Darkridr
Indiana Jones and the Fate of the Lost Script of the Fate of Atlantis -Iren
Indiana Jones and the Search for the Last Dollar to Squeeze from the Franchise. -MisterCommon
Indiana Jones and the Last Bottle of Geritol. -Wraith556
Indiana Jones Raiders Of The Granny Pannys -kagewrestler
Indiana Jones and the Bingo Parlor of Doom. (Got lots of these in Florida...) -VoiceOfSanity
Indiana Jones and the search for Depends -neuman1812
Indiana Jones and ... did I ever tell you kids about Charlene and me looking for ... what the hell were we looking for? Never mind, it was what we found when we were looking for whatever we were looking for that really mattered. There was this dog, you know how girls like little dogs, well she heard this dog barking and thought it was stuck in this hole in the wall when really it was tied up BEHIND the wall and there was this twisty passageway that made the sound travel and ... what is wrong with you kids, can't let a man finish a story! -TieDyedDinosaur
Indiana Jones and the -- hey, get off my lawn!! Don't make me -- zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. -AmazingKreskin
Indiana Jones and the time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to ride the ferry cost a nickel, but in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Gimme 5 bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yes.The important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones... -Grayhawk
Indiana Jones and the Spam of Doom -ecoli
Indiana Jones and the Blue pill of Viagra -ecoli
Indiana Jones and the ... rats! What did I come in here for? -ecoli
Indiana Jones And The Eternal Ear Hair -kagewrestler
Indiana Jones and the...living will. -drachen
Indiana Jones and the SPOILER OF DOOM. Thanks. -JTSBrown
Indiana Jones VS. Walker Texas Ranger -kagewrestler
Indiana Jones and the Kid from Transformers! -illiterate
Indiana Jones VS.Han Solo -kagewrestler
Indiana Jones and the Cane of 'eh... I forget...' -MadJack
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17.
tech support idiots
One of the departments that I support has computers that are used solely for interacting with certain medical equipment, and are supported by the equipment vendor (they're included in the purchase of the multi thousand dollar equipment). Well, today they decided to hook one of those up to our network. Normally not a problem. But as soon as it gets hooked up it throws up a "non valid license" error... and prevents them from logging into the machine. they call up the tech support for those machines (provided by the vendor) and get told "get the IP address so we can remote in to it" then get hung up on. The guy then calls me, and says-"I can't log in-how am I supposed to know the IP address?" I told him to call them back, tell them that they were idiots and they need to fix this another way...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Sounds like one of the guys on my team. Luckily he only does support for computers connected (indirectly) to the stock market, as opposed to medical devices. -SirJosh
If I didn't know better, I'd say that equipment sounds like something made by my present employer... -MadJack
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18.
flowers as gifts
NT/OT
ok, so http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=75092
and the subsequent discussion made me think of a story that i though would be better posted separately than as a comment. It happened like this: In high school a couple guys and myself went to the cafeteria with one red rose each. we went to a table full of girls, and all went down on one knee in front of a girl (didnt really matter which one) we then loudly said (in unison) "my love for you is like this rose; its dying". this was followed by a bow, and a sprint-as food and shoes fly quickly... but as we ran we heard applause from the rest of the cafeteria. ahh, those good old days...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Awesome. If you tried that these days, you wouldn't be able to get the rose into the school (no weapons allow), you'd get sued for emotional distress, or get beat-up and videos of it posted on youtube. -SirJosh
@SirJosh-fortunately it was a small boarding school in the middle of africa, no frivolous lawsuits to worry about. -cyberblade3001
hehehehe having been to a high school run by the same .org as yourself, cyber, would LOVE to hear the backstory to THIS one (EG) -MadJack
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19.
vista training
this is being posted from the beginning of vista training-the first of 4 days... (spaced out of course). Not only is it Fista training-but we're required to have an hotmail (or live, msn, etc) account for this... I'm already feeling dirty...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Chin up... think of it as ME v2.0 and that they'll put out something decent very soon. It keeps ME from killing everyone, anyway. -TechnoTherapist
Good. Now that you have infiltrated, we can proceed to stage 2. Take a laptop with PCLOS and Compiz, and show them that anything they do with Fista, you can do with PCLOS. Of course, this should be done stealthily; keep a low profile. As usual, if you are captured or killed... -TheGhost
My department is planning to send me to Vista training at the end of June. Oddly, I'll probably know more about it as I do run it... really. Quad-core processor and 8gb of memory will make anything run... and some things rocket. *Gryn* -VoiceOfSanity
Or instead of the PCLos, a clean minimal install of xp on a laptop then the Brica-pac Vista eye candy. And then make them try to figure it out. -jerrybear
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20.
useless school administration
well, the customer type "wannabe future tech" made me think about some of the things that happened when I was in high school-so here goes... (my apologies for the lack of a star)
Anyways, I home schooled the first two years of high school-and went off to a small denominational boarding school for the last two years (I needed a US diploma and I was overseas). Anyways, my first year there I helped run the servers (linux for mail/firewall/proxy/etc windows 2003 for domain/file sharing) and managed the lab (student work program was mandatory-I got IT due to past experience). During that year we had a fairly strict and somewhat knowledgeable supervisor... My second (and senior) year there I was the only guy to stay working in the IT department. Also, my former boss left-and we got a "volunteer" who was hired because he had a college degree in programming, and was therefore good with computers and could run our network (yes, I was told this exact thing several times by our principal)... Anyways, that year a good friend of mine (had been next door neighbor) moved to that school. Now, he and I had started working as techs together previously, and managed to bring down (accidentally) a campus network where we used to live, etc. We had learned a lot, and were pretty good with things. Anyways, we were the only two student IT employees who knew a thing about servers, the other guys just watched the lab... Fortunately, our (new) boss arrived late that year... by the time he got there root no longer had all its privileges, and his account showed as administrator on the windows box, but really wasn't... (these acts saved us a lot of trouble that year)... Anyways, he was a good boss... as in-really nice guy, but never was a net admin... On to the second idiocy of the administration... Given that my roommate and I ran the network, we also checked logs from time to time. We had a limited satellite link (remote location in 3rd world country, only option at the time) and students were only allowed online with a signed note. (Email was always available for them of course). So that left the faculty... We started to see a fairly regular spike in bandwidth from the assistant dean's (another one year volunteer) home computer almost every night... What was it? yup, pr0n... It seems he liked his women either "hairy" or very young... anyways, after logging his traffic for a couple days, and then scanning his harddrive we presented a neat folder showing the files that were on his computer (there were entire folders dedicated to different species) and all his browsing (including authenticated logins to various sites)... Now, not only is this a blatant violation of policy... this is also a assistant dean (guys dean) on a small campus-where there are lots of teenage girls... Add to that the denominational factor, and it gets even worse... And I wont even mention the costs for bandwidth on our satellite link.... So, what does the principal do? well-he asks the guy-the guy says no-they were pop ups... Right, every night, for several hours? the principal then asks the "net admin" who said he had no idea what the logs meant... the issue was then forgotten by the administration, who said that it must have been a mistake on part of the students... And yes, I must have been 17 at the time (thats why the "wannabe future tech" made me think of this)... $deity I still feel like larting that principal, along with something more serious for that assistant dean (whom I know for a fact ended up making out with at least one 15 year old girl -he was 30+- before the end of the year... ) sorry for the long rant/story... i just feel so disappointed with humanity sometimes...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Screw the personal feelings.... I'd say you still have a moral responsibility to get that info the the correct powers-that-be... assuming they still exist (the data that is). Minimally see about getting in contact with the current admins and make a suggestion to watch the traffic patterns... "Just In Case".... -ShujinTribble
the guy was only there for a year-no idea which continent he's on now... and given the principal is the same now as then I know I still wont be listened to... -cyberblade3001
If the guy was an american citizen you could have turned it over to the embassy and maybe the embassy staff could have done something. -adarklite
Being familiar w/ said circumstances and the church organization's stance on any kind of student-teacher (let alone student male- student female) interaction of this type at any SDA academy, I'm guessing a relative (quite possibly his Dad) held a position of at least some power somewhere between the local conf & GC level? -MadJack
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21.
logic error
So, fishie calls me up saying they need more memory for a Mac in their office. I look at my list of jobs, realize that I have to set up a new user in the same building anyways-so I tell them I'll take a look at their machine later. A couple hours later I appear, and ask the user what the problem is: "It takes half an hour each time I make an edit to the picture" Ok... Yeah, Photoshop (CS3) is a bit of a resource hog-but half an hour? So, I look at the machine-2x3GHz dual core intel xeon processors... That thing should be flying according to my book. Next up, check the memory, ok, only 2 gigs-not tons, but a decent amount. So, I ask what exactly was this fishie working on. "Well, theres this 12 Gig file I'm trying to edit for a poster/banner". "Wait-12 'Gigs' did you say?" (fervently hoping that the fish couldn't tell the difference between MB and GB). "Yeah, 12 Gigs". WTF I scream! (in my head of course-I actually ask the user why the file was so big) "well, the poster is several meters across-so I took the image, and expanded it in Photoshop to be the right size" I try to explain that working with a small image, then letting the printing company enlarge it will be much better-but alas, as I am 'only a tech' and 'dont know anything about graphics' my ideas are ignored... I'm sure there will be screaming whenever they have to send this 12 GB file to the printers... however, until then I'm supposed to get the fishie more memory to make things go faster.
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Comments
Let the arrogant twat boil in his own stupidity. It'll bite him in the arse and he won't learn from it. You just can't fix stupid. -Seamus
... so are you waiting for the request for a larger printer as well? -GoblinKing
There are not enough "?!"'s in this text entry field to properly explain how I feel to this one. -ShujinTribble
That all sounds fine, until your printing company tells you they can only enlarge vector art. -veaudaux
I thought it was bad enough having to deal with SF's with 40 MB email attachments! 12 GB??!!! -Loon
12 gigs? That bytes! -CyBear
2 Xeons? You should be able to up the RAM to 8GB or more (assuming a 64-bit environment). -Stryker One
And they're storing the file on the desktop of their remote profile, yes? -Geminii
<DA>files that will be printed as large posters can get really big</DA>. but 12 fucking GB?! sounds like this person blew up a low res image and added a bunch of filters. I doubt his printer will be happy when he somehow receives this 12GB photoshop file. xxMB or even xxxMB ok, must be certified PDF, .ai or .eps in some cases... -supportrobot
Of course never mind the fact that the windows and mac print systems cannot process a single dimension greater than 300,000 pixels or 299 inches. -PolarCoyote
Damn, I must have been TII-RED to have missed this yesterday. 12 GIGABYTES?!!??!? Z'MMF'GG, WTF was it, a file for a 12 foot banner with a bazillion hires photos of 20-30 m avg filesize that was first made as a .tif that was then converted to pdf, then added onto until it there was a several hundred page instruction manual and a totally farked up flier with a similiar amount of massive hires .tif(s) embedded , all of which was then resaved as a .tif b/c they couldn't get the PDF to 300 DPI????? Cheese and mutha-farkin' rice, man!!! If I'd encountered this farknugget during my recent tour supporting ONP, I would have either totally lost it and proceeded to tell the dipwad what an utter shytewhistle he was, hung up and walked out (b/c I would have been fired right then), or sought out the tech nearest him to pick up Otis and pay him a visit PDQ. Damn, where's Gary Mitchell when you really need him? (VEG) -MadJack
Prolly forgot to remove his vectors and crop marks too, I bet? -MadJack
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22.
nt/ot jury duty
So, one of my colleagues has been out the last couple days with jury duty... came back in today and the conversation went like this: boss:so you didn't try to get out of jury duty. coworker:nope. boss:why'd you want to do jury duty? coworker: because I wanted to kill somebody. boss-come on-why'd you really do it? coworker: well, you know, its my civic duty... boss: no, the truth now-why did you want jury duty? coworker: the prosecutor was totally hot
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Comments
ROFL. I can just see this. Sitting in the jury, making googly eyes at the DA. -NightSteel
"the prosecutor was hot" was a 'guess what's gonna happen' event on L&O about 2-3 weeks ago. -Answerboy
Employers are not supposed to punish employees for jury duty. So they do it via sneaky methods instead. I was reprimanded for "inconveniencing a customer", ironically the Department of Justice in another state who knew what was happening, and who also lodged a complaint about the salesperson. Another method is a surprise performance audit, which just happened to be on the days you were on the jury duty, and which you also failed. My next time is a quick call to the district court, and have them start proceedings for contempt against the company. -Wraith556
Had the same problem with vacation time. Policy is for you to take vacation in the year you accrue it, but while you are gone, they will give your project to someone else (someone unqualified to handle it) and then blame you when the idiot screws it up. They will do this, even if the project schedule allows for your time off because they just can't "let it sit" until you get back. -Foyle
Wraith - Fail it because you're not there? The correct answer is 'Out on jury duty, reschedule it.' Bastards. -VFox
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23.
stupid doctors
so, this doctor (Ph.D.) calls up-"hey-I got this notification that I won the lottery, is it possible this is a scam?" "yes, its a scam" "are you sure? I didn't really win?" "No, you didn't win-its a scam" "So-you've seen this email before?" "No-I haven't seen THAT email... but its a scam" "Are you sure? I didnt really win the lottery?" "No" "Ok..."
Like an actual lottery would notify you by email when you haven't even bought a lottery ticket!!
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Comments
*headdesk* -Seamyst
"Did you buya lottery ticket?" "...no..." "Then it's a scam. Period." "But it says..." "... that Microsoft wants people to use the Internet more. Yup. Suuure they do. It's a scam." I'm getting about five of those a day now. -chazz
Maybe you should send an e-mail telling him he won the lottery but you need $5000 his $23mil prize. -Starfury
hmm... I got this e-mail saying that I can have a bigger penis.... -TheGhost
I got a letter from him just the other day/ It says you may already be a winner. -chazz
"It's from the I.R.S. - I may already be a loser!" /Mr. Boffo -Seamus
Doctor/PhD = No clue what happens in the real world -MacDaddy
MacDaddy, you don't know how right you are. They work like a dog through High School to get a 4.3 average, then study Biology/BioChem day and night in college for 4 years day and night to get a 4.0 average, then another 3 years of even more intense study in Medical school, then ANOTHER 3 years in residency without any sleep for most of it. They never had time for a life, or even to learn anything OTHER than medicine! Of COURSE they are social misfits. (My wife used to work front-office in a resident-training clinic. She took these "doctors" and taught them how to be "Doctors." They had no knowledge of economics or people skills when they got to her, after three years they could relate to normal human beings AND get paid for it.) -Captain Trips
well, as much as I know how some doctors all-I feel like I have to go on record here-as both my parents have Ph.D.'s (and I hope to as well someday). and they are two of the most down to earth persons I know (even though I dont always get along with them) -cyberblade3001
"But you're not qualified!" -Wraith556
I get to the second iteration of "you sure" and just tell them "No. It's real." Stupid people get what they deserve and I've told them enough times before. -fearmyroot
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24.
cant delete text
So, one of my "special" users call the helpdesk this morning saying that they can't delete text within a word document when they highlight it (the usual highlight then delete). I know my users pretty well though, so I ignore it. I mean, besides the fact that I'm working on jobs from last week-this isn't one of those high priority items. And yes, sure enough-a few minutes ago she calls the helpdesk to cancel the job. It seems her computer suddenly started to work again. Hmm...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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I've lost count of the number of calls I've had describing patently impossible problems - rushed over to see witness the miracle myself - only to find that the user is no longer able to replicate the issue but, "I swear! It was doing it a minute ago!" -Foyle
It's what I always tell the people where I work - want something to magically fix itself, call for tech support (usually me). They just laugh and the system is afraid of me. They could be right. <VEG> -justcrazy
I get that all the time. I have all my customers convinced that the computers are afraid of me <efg> -Spyder19
<cue stuck alt key> My computer is broked, I hit tab and it switches winders...but I dowanna switch winders!! Waaaahhh!! -ChildofCthulhu
Spyder, better if your customers were afraid of you, than their machines. *grin* -European
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25.
fishy netadmin
So, last week our netadmin wanders through our office-I'm the only one in (all the others are out dealing with clients). He stops to ask when I'll start running a real OS on my machine (I'm running Ubuntu-when everyone in our office is supposed to be running Vista, because our new machines are going out with it). This degenerates into a 45 minute lecture, from him-about how ALL open source software is crap (his words). And none of it can be trusted-for the fact that if something goes wrong theres no one to hold accountable, call for support, or sue. All of my statements regarding large corporation who use open source were replied to with-"they are being stupid. open source doesn't work. how can you trust anything you dont pay for?" In any case, this is the netadmin, the guy who makes probably double what I do... And seems to have been brainwashed by redmond. My colleagues are nice enough-but things like this make me want to move elsewhere...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Comments
I worked with one of these fishies who had definitely been brainwashed by Redmond, saying that M$ has been making software longer than anyone *cough!* so they are the best. He almost got a severe LARTING when he started dissing Apple saying UNIX was not a good platform. Your guy though, is a NETWORK ENGINEER, and for his ignorance needs to be paid a visit by Otis and Co. -MacDaddy
I'd have responded with something like "so the hooker on the corner with herpes is better than your wife then?" -Olorin
Did you suggest he try and go sue M$ for making a crappy product? -evolvedstarfish
on the subject of "that if something goes wrong theres no one to hold accountable, call for support, or sue." you might mention that IBM has been doing this for real machines a lot longer than micro$oft has been doing it for toys. -TieDyedDinosaur
I don't agree with the netadmin, but he could make policy that your box isnt on the network. since he sees it as a problem, I am suprised he hasn't barred it saying its a possible exploit. -SGTARKyTEK
olorin, what if his wife IS the hooker on the corner with herpes. -SGTARKyTEK
yeah but the linux and Mac zealots are just as bad. I don't like windows very much but I HATE fanboi's of any description even worse. -Maltgha
A co worker of mine was reading the post over my shoulder and said the following "the mac and linux boys are always so in your face about how they are so much better and greater than microshaft and how the sun just shines out their arse. I think they little market share syndrome." -Maltgha
yup operating system by the company that made Bob -McSmiley
"Listen, NETadmin, if you know so much; then why are you supporting an OS that sucks donkey balls?" -MadJack
That fuckface needs to get Ballmer's cawk outta his mouth. -Seamus
"Hold accountable"? "Sue"? That man has _not_ read a EULA! -Voz
Gimme the bat -THETECHFROMHELL
Heh, 'cause you can sue... say, Microsoft... if Windows goes down and takes all the data of your enterprise with it, right? -TheDeathOfRats
While we don't use Linux, our office lives on Firefox and Open office. Why? Let's say Managment goes out and buys 30 copies of office, then finds out they don't work. It is of course, ITs fault, as we should have been monitoring the ESP scanner.That, and when you have to deal with people bringing in work from home, hundreds of differents computers and apps, and hundreds of clients, it makes more sense to get a word proccessor that's compatible with everything. -PeterGibons
I can find the answer to any ubuntu problem in 10min with on search on google for free. Calling MS support costs 1,000,000,000,000 a sec to speak to TS and thats only if you can navigate their Phone tree and get someone that you can understand. -neuman1812
Ok, I run and/or do support on all three (Microsoft, OS X and Linux). Every OS has their good points and their bad points, and everyone is hyped on the good points and more than happy to point out everyone else's bad points. I use what works for what I do, and that's all I really care about. *chuckle* -VoiceOfSanity
The whole "I paid $$$ for it, so it MUST be good" notion is one that keeps me getting paid for work I do on peoples' PCs. As I've said in the past, Joe Starfish equates "Free" with "Worthless", so selling yourself short is BAD idea. As he's the NetAdmin, I'm pretty sure he buys the most expensive comms. gear he can find...after all "Expensive = good", right? -lineswine
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26.
who cares?
so, one of my coworkers (not my department, but we see him about every day as the coffee and fridge are in our office) came in with his iPhone... On he goes about how cool it is, and all it can do-so I ask him-what does he think about all the security problems/risks? his reply-who cares, its an iPhone! And there we have it, the iFanatic (or iDiot)...
[By: cyberblade3001]
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I think this applies: http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=186 -Silphion
iFucknugget, iShitstreak, iFuckstain....'tis all the same. And they can be made into bricks.... -vacuumtubes
I'd link to the iRack video, but YouTube is blocked by work -Darth
I had not seen this video! iRack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcjLEwZqcQI -Rissa
Funny, I thought of something entirely different when I read iRack </channelling Burrkiss> -MadJack
yeah, i saw iRack and i also thought of something else... -cyberblade3001
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=iphone -p3bk4c
iRack... I wasn't the only one thinking boobies, right? -linuxmatt
You mean to tell me that you haven't seen iPorn yet? -unrenowned
haven't seen anything since i got my iPam -stiffarm
Someone needs a link to an auto-iBrick page... -Geminii
IRack UBreak -atomicbill
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27.
how to prank a telemarketer
I didn't want to bump the LOTD, but this was too funny to not share with you all...
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
[By: cyberblade3001]
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An oldie, but a goodie. -Stryker One
I like it. -Seamus
I am SO glad I put the drink down first! I don't get those at home anymore but at work - let's just say that it has definite promise..... -Loon
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28.
Tech support for the middle ages
http://youtube.com/watch?v=aX0-nqRmtos
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Comments
ROFL That's hilarious! Doubly so, since I'm studying to be a medieval historian. -Seamyst
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30.
Tech Support Horror
Ok, this isn't about idiot users... Still... I work at a University doing inhouse tech support, and the university has a med school... The person who normally takes care of the anatomy department is out on maternity leave-so I got the job. 5 rooms full of corpses lying on tables, with the stench of decaying flesh and formaldehyde. And many of them being dissected while I was in there-did you know that everything turns grey after death? *shudders* theres a reason I didn't go into medicine... I hope I don't have to go back anytime soon, but the tech who usually does that is out til January... *wanders off in search of alcohol*
[By: cyberblade3001]
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Comments
My small college has a cadaver lab, the only one in the state I'm told. Luckily they have no computers in there so I don't have to see them. -crazymactech
"My machine is dead..."
-Mushroom
If I recall correctly, most coroners are raging alcoholics. -Seamus
Vicks Menthol rub under the nose. Takes the smell away. Don't ask me how I know. -srteach
Um, hey, srteach, just thought I'd ask, How *do* you know? *hauls ass for the LART shelter* -missourimule
tasty -lurker
Actually, we turn 'white' after death. If you see me slightly greyish, is because I'm trying to bring down my dry cleaning bills. ... no, I can't use a common washing machine. Have you ever seen a wet ghost? :( -TheGhost
hey, you see dead people! -timelady
awww!! you could have recruited the corpses as help desk agents!! or least put them on the payrole as help desk.. as any good BOFH would agree. -Harm
I..uh, I can't fix that system... its why I went into computers instead... if one dies you can buy another one, or keep the good bits and replace the bad... on these systems, spare parts are not easily had, only hot swappable, and still the system could fatally crash, even if you do everything right. So glad I did not go into medical school. Working at the center for the developmentally disabled taught me that some things are too harsh for the human soul, at least too harsh for mine. I can handle stupid users, they are cake - comparatively. -Madrigorne
http://www.houseofhorrors.com/rotldpics.htm "It hurts being dead." Nuff said. -Necros
"They're dead, Jim." </Bones> -Ulfgaard
I am lucky. I only get really OLD dead bones at my clients! Somehow skulls are a lot less scary than cadavers. -Mysty
Been there, dealt with that. Funeral home, two and a half years, "house calls" + "prep room". 'Nuff said. -virtualchoirboy
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Customer Misconceptions
Tech Rules
Customer Types
Co-Worker Types
Customer E-mails
1.
Subject: Email exchange...
Behold the following email exchange. To:cyberblade "The sight does not recognize my logon to let me in. Please help me to get to the sight" To:starfish "Your username and password are the same as for anything else in the office. Please try again." To:cyberblade "It still doesn't work" To:cyberblade "It's not working" To:cyberblade "It worked"
[2009-06-17]
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2.
Subject: Re:Laptop
Sir $cyberblade3001,
Thanks for carefully guiding me through the process to get the best to give my best in the classroom and on other
public presentations. If I am able to get a printer of quality to enhance my best, that would be the icing on the purchase
to enrich my contributions for $organization.
$starfish
________________________________________
From: $cyberblade3001
Sent: Wednesday, November 07, 2007 9:15 AM
To: $starfish
Subject: Laptop
$starfish,
Here are two models that I think would suit you well. Take a look and let me know which one you’d like.
$cyberblade3001
[2007-11-08]
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EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
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1.
Makes very angry beeps in start up menu
[2010-09-03]
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2.
Overheard in the office... "I google her every day" (I don't want to know...)
[2010-04-29]
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3.
Boss phrase of the day: Want to try a threeway today?
[2010-01-27]
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4.
"Whatever you did, it worked" my response:"great, glad to hear that" (still haven't the slightest clue what they were referring to...)
[2009-11-23]
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5.
"I didn't change anything!" (Your WLAN is disabled, the WPA key has been deleted, and you've set it to have a manual IP of 192.168.0.1 Tell me again?)
[2009-09-08]
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6.
mePOTD (after a friend told me "I can't believe people can be that stupid") "I used to be naive and optimistic about the world too... Then I did user support."
[2009-05-18]
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7.
"My documents all disappeared!" (Now excuse me while I go figure out what they did...)
[2009-05-18]
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8.
"The Computer glitch is down"
[2009-02-25]
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9.
"The Computer glitch is down"
[2009-02-25]
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10.
"But that's not Windows-it's not a computer!" (said in response to my showing someone Linux...)
[2009-02-18]
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11.
Overheard from a cubicle I walked by-"She may want you to have a restraining order" (said in a positive tone).
[2008-10-21]
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12.
me POTD "Is the red cord plugged into the shiny box and the big grey box?" this was immediately followed by thoughts of murder and/or suicide for making me talk about firewall's and switches in this way...
[2008-09-08]
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13.
I just need to edit some text changes to a jpeg.
[2008-07-28]
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14.
The network is too slow (this as a $fishies "reasoning" as to why her 800MB MS Access database-all one file-takes a while to work with...)
[2008-05-14]
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15.
cwpotd: first one to throw up gets the last piece of pizza!
[2008-05-07]
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16.
CW to starfish: "so, you "broke" your internet explorer?" starfish:"yep" my thoughts: can we take it out back and shoot it?
[2008-04-28]
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17.
one co-worker to another: dump the logs and wipe it clean
[2008-04-28]
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18.
CWPOTD: I accidentally just rebooted a lab somewhere.
[2008-04-17]
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19.
From a helpdesk guy who no longer works here to a user (over the phone): "then type cmd, yes thats cat-mouse-dog or charlie-michael-david, depends on whether you like animals or little boys"
[2008-04-11]
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20.
From one of the higher ups, regarding a project: "I have some objections-I just don't know what they are yet"
[2008-03-26]
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21.
EUNOTD "Widdy Widitora" I can only hope its not as funny sounding for his native culture/tongue...
[2008-03-05]
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22.
ok, so its from a late tv... but it pissed me off enough i had to post it, coz im sick of this type of bullshit on tv... "her whole hard drive can fit on this, and it can be downloaded in seconds" as he hands over a usb drive... yeah, sure...
[2008-02-02]
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23.
from one of our server (windows servers) administrators-you use the shell? like shell scripting? like shell script kiddies-you're a script kiddie!
[2008-01-23]
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24.
cant you just make it so that I don't need a password to log on or see my email? it would save time...
[2008-01-22]
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25.
Coworker: "I tried to screw a laptop once"
[2008-01-18]
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26.
from a coworker: "this thing seems to be holding out fairly well without all those system files and dll's". I didn't even ask what the starfish had done to it...
[2008-01-16]
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27.
By my Boss: "Windows is very security conscious" (granted-he was comparing it to Mac's-but still...)
[2008-01-15]
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28.
(Referring to an old machine, running XP) Can't you put Vista on it so it will run faster?
[2007-12-11]
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29.
U.S.S.B...
[2007-11-06]
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30.
"Isn't Office 2003, Windows XP? Can't you just upgrade Windows 2000 to Office 2003?" (All this because they were having trouble installing a piece of software...)
[2007-10-24]
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31.
CWPOTD, "pictures are hugely large" (describing to starfish why they are running out of hard disk space...)
[2007-10-22]
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32.
Said by our Network Administrator, when I commented that the only firewall installed was Windows Firewall "But all firewalls are the same!"
[2007-10-22]
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33.
After telling Sony tech support (in online chat) that I'd already reinstalled all the drivers, and done a rollback, and the DVD Drive still wasn't working properly i was told:
Emory_>Give me a few moments, please. I will be back right now.
and then said that reinstalling the drivers would fix the problem...
The things I do for an RMA...
[2007-10-12]
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