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Here is all the content that firebird2k2 has contributed to Tech Support Comedy.

Tech Stories


1. Been A Long Time + It's About Time!
Havent posted anything for awhile, I've been so bored by the calls I've taken. Barely any level of stupidity surprises me anymore. Thankfully, I'll soon have a chance to talk to a whole new group of stupid people. I got a newwww JOB!!! LOL.
[By: firebird2k2]
Comment on Story

Comments

  • Goodtaseeya. Stories? Go with what ya get. -MadJack
  • Well, I mean that the calls are all the same anymore. I found nothing amusing from them, so I didnt feel they were worth sharing. -firebird2k2
  • Congrats on the new job! The mundane can get to you after a while. Hope your new stories show the power of the LART! -ecoli
  • Gratz! -Psudo
  • Congratulations, firebird2k2, now post more stories!! -Tekkie
  • 2. Best Credit Reqest *EVER*
    Customer was sick, bedridden for close to two years. She's calling now that she's better and asking for a credit for the two years of service she never used.
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Um, let me think about that for a second. - - No. -RiffRaff
  • Wow. I can't even think of anything smart-alecky to say to THAT... -PTSTech
  • Was it for a brain injury? No? A hip replacement followed by knee surgery and a double bypass? Sorry, you don't qualify. -EagleEye
  • My feeling was no matter what the problem was, you or your family should decide what is high or low priority. Internet and other nonesssential services - low priority. Cancel or suspend them until you are better. -firebird2k2
  • We'd typically check for usage. Wasn't any, yeah, they'd probably get a one-time. -namor
  • Has there been any down time in the last two years? -Bobsentme
  • Two YEARS?! I'd credit her a month...at MOST. Somebody had to be able to make a simple phone call in that amount of time. -steveO77
  • "El Fucko Youo" -burrkiss
  • I'd agree - 1 month tops.. on the other hand it would be interesting to see how much mail is still on the server / when it's from. -ShujinTribble
  • Obviously somebody had the time to pay the bill each month, or it would have been suspended for non-pay. Unless, <DA>she was set up with some kind of autopay.</DA> -missourimule
  • O.o -Psudo
  • im gonna have to go with "NO" on that. .. unfortunatly this is not an uncommon call for me -GefahrMaus
  • She was 'bed-ridden' for two years? I'm surprised she can stand up! (How many guys were involved & are they shagged-out too?) <legs to over to 'pond life' at a fair lick> -lineswine
  • Heh, heh, heh. lineswine said "lick". </Butthead> -missourimule
  • 3. How Did She Manage That?
    Customer somehow managed to watch the instructional DVD that comes with our DSL self-install kit, but then calls up and tells me that everything is still in the box because she didnt understand the instructions. I'm baffled by how she can operate a DVD player, and yet cant hook up a color coded DSL modem and cables kit (something a blind crack-addled chimp could accomplish).
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • insert disc.. push play... effortless. remember instructions, or pause /rewind to them, then actually doing it... too hard... -HappyCrappy
  • Well, that works as long as she can figure out how to open the packaging the DVD came in. -firebird2k2
  • she had her kid start the DVD, then after the kid left, she decided she couldn't install the DSL -razmann
  • They had their 3 year old start the DVD. -frito123
  • Shoulda had the 3 year old hook up the cables after they had the box where they wanted it. -MadJack
  • How does the color coding help the blind chimp? :-) -concept14
  • The chimp doesn't need the color coding, as he can set the whole thing up color-blind. The color coding is just so we can make fun of the fish, who can't/won't set it up even with color codes and an instruction set with words no bigger than those 1st graders use. -mdver
  • you rang? *dressed as chimp* -blindtech
  • Maybe you should be supplying blind, crack-addled chimps with your DSL modems, instead of instructional DVDs. (BTW, please, for *deity*'s sake, don't let any management read this.) -flapjackboy
  • How the hell can chimps afford crack? They only get paid peanuts. -robbor
  • 4. Another Tech Mystery
    Customer has our company's DSL, but cant get to the gui of the modem @ 192.168.0.1. Browsing to that address brings up a Motorola gui. Way different than ours and no brand logo. Trace the cords back and she doesnt have any routers. Unplug the ethernet cable from the modem, releas/renew, and she's still getting the 192.168.0.1 default gateway. Browsing there still brings up Motorola. Unplug the ethernet cable from the laptop and we still get the same result. The tech confirmed 100% that she didnt have a router. Anyone have a guess?
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Proxy settings in IE? Or browser reading from it's cache? The latter has happened to me couple of times with pre-W2000 systems. -NordicPT
  • ya probably working off line and browsing from cache, or see rule #1 maybe she bought a motorola DSL modem/router and tried to hook it up. -drachen
  • Inadvertantly leeching off of someone's unsecured wireless gateway? -KronK
  • Is it ossible that shes unknowingly connected to someone else's wireless lan and is being served that page from inside that person's network? -pcmacman
  • It's the router. ;-) -Mushroom
  • Someone else's gateway like suggested, or they have a router plugged in somewhere, and it's serving the DHCP requests first. (had that happen a couple of times... whatever responds first will do) -namor
  • Monitor image burn in? (Sorry - was just a thought) -ShujinTribble
  • I've always said that every problem can be fixed quickly and effectively--with the introduction of a rubber mallet and a sandbox. -vacuumtubes
  • I'll go with unsecured wireless. -ecoli
  • check how many ntwk connections she shows and the prop of each. disable any wifi and work from scratch. -omegawolf
  • double check to make sure the IP addy isn't hard coded. -Bynar
  • Yes disable all network connections, (inluding a modem if she has one) if she still gets that page, delete the history, cookie and tempfiles (including the offline ones.) Open I.E. if she gets the 404 error, then you an renable her ethernet network. Then goto her router GUI. Note, Some routers GUI can be 192.1.1.254 (strange as this sounds. It is true on some 2 Wire DSL routers. If she connected a different router to that one, then yes she can get errors of all sorts. Secound, is she using a laptop with a cellphone to connect. Maybe she is getting the Cellphone dchp info. I haven't seen that happen, yet have heard people using a cellphone to a laptop to connect. If not, then its something else that might require an Full Factory Restore -JackMackle
  • jhuang brought me a laptop that needs service. He says the owner swears blind that it has no wireless, and as I inspect it I find a little switch labelled with a wireless symbol and switched on. My money's on rogue wireless from next door and she doesn't even know that she has wireless in her laptop. -chazz
  • I'll take "Neighbor's Wireless" for $400, Bob. (Oo, maybe shoulda said "LYING" for $100) </gameshow> -FuzzyElf
  • WE HAVE WINNAHS!!! KronK, pcmacman, namor, ecoli, chaz & FuzzyElf all got it right! It was coming from a neighbor's apartment. She had a Centrino laptop, but didnt know quite what that meant. Guess I didnt make that one as difficult as I thought I did. -firebird2k2
  • Woo-HOOOooo! *tries to cabbage-patch but falls over* d'oh! -FuzzyElf
  • 5. Just a Little Frightening...
    Tech sitting next to me's current call. The customer named their baby boy Damien Michael. I immediately thought of The Omen. Sorry to those of you not old enough to remember that one.
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • I remember, does that make me old? -RandalGraves
  • Meet the siblings--Zul and Gozer... -vacuumtubes
  • Last name...Thorne possibly? -Psudo
  • Ah, baby names - If it's a boy I'm thinking Devourer of Souls, if it's a girl, Fleshripper. Or course, I'll be happy as long as it has 10 fingers and 10 tentacles. -Evilturnip
  • I'm 22, but I got the reference...does that mean I'm old? -halfstarfish
  • my father on many occations has told me that if it was up to him my sister and i would be named Raule and Scrotumella.....my family is not well -GefahrMaus
  • Smegma Hallitosis Burrkiss Jr. -burrkiss
  • UGH! BURRKISS! I'd tell you to get a grip on yourself, but you're never quite without that, are you? On the topic - maybe the family wants everyone to know just where their "little devil" is going in life? -Grue
  • ET: I first read that as "Ten fingers and ten testicles". *shakes head a la Lemony Snicket* -missourimule
  • 6. Am I the Bad Guy?
    Okay so my current job is sitting at the front desk in the callcenter, watching the Avaya "Slavemaster" phone systems to make sure all the agents are doing what they should be doing. I dont ask much of the agents, I'm not even management. So, am I still the bad guy? LoL.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • In a word: Yes. -- Long answer: Fsck 'em. You get paid to do a job so you're going to do it. We've all sold out at one time or another to get a paycheck. Now, if you enjoy it... that's another matter. -scooby111
  • Honestly, I do like it because I get to catch issues before they become problems that affect the entire floor and pass them on to management. Do I like bothering agents? Well, yeah only the ones that refuse to even try and do their job right. -firebird2k2
  • What do mean I need to log in to my phone? -missourimule
  • ohh que monitoring.. wait.. I KNOW THAT PROGRAM! -Harm
  • nope.. your just the dedicated que watcher... not the bad guy. -Harm
  • No, I'm the bad guy. I'm QA. -smileydee
  • I use Avaya myself. Since I'm a supervisor, I get to harass techs about their ACW and Aux times. It can be quite enjoyable... for me. They sure don't like it when I catch them hanging out in ACW for 15 minutes while they sneak out for a smoke break. -TechnoVampire
  • i was too unorthodox to ever be placed in a mgr position at my call center. come to think of it, they used my calls as what NOT to say. on the flip side, i never got a sup call in 4yrs. -omegawolf
  • <when doing back up for our sups>, I get to watch agents and the que with it.. see were we are getting the most call volume , call the div and ask WTF. I don;t get trainees anymore though.. not since the last TL screamed in horror when a potential new ( to contract) agent was listening to my calls :) somthing about corrupting a good script mon.. er agent. -Harm
  • 7. A Perfect Joke Opportunity
    Let me set the scene: I forgot my badge to get into the building today, so I got a temp. One of our newer co-workers walks by me and sees the temp.. Him: "Forget your badge today?".... Me: "Here's your sign!"
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • Nope, it forgot me. Herrrre's your sign. -TheJman
  • nope but I figured it wouuld be easier to get away from the cops after I kill you all if I dont have MY badge. -xtc46
  • Nope. Security wants us to use the visitor passes so they all wear out evenly. (Heeeeeere's your sign.) -Jay911
  • Nope. Just didn't want to go back to your house to get it because your wife is insatiable. Here's your sign. -maciarc
  • ahh... the temp badge of shame *makes sure back up badge is still in wallet* -Harm
  • No, they eliminated my position and let me go, I signed up with a temp agency, and got a temp position here. Here's your ... wait, that actually happens all the time where I work. -thx1138
  • no i crammed it the ass of the last moron who asked me a stupid question -GefahrMaus
  • We don't need no steenkin badges! -Veinor
  • I'm not myself today! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Nope changed my name to Temp....Here's your sign. -Slatavus
  • Nope, my regular badge is at the cleaners. Here's your sign. -ThirdOfFive
  • 8. Not Our Problem, Go Away..
    Guy calls, asking for a supervisor because UPS shows his modem arrived and was signed for by him, but he claims he never got it. We've told him we can't do anything until he talks with UPS to see where the original shipment is. He wants us to send him another modem while he investigates this. How about no?
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • I want a newwwwww....I can't do it...next -SFishWrangler
  • Suurree . . . what's your credit card number?? Sorry doofus. -ecoli
  • E,I,E,I - NO! -hkypipe
  • *Update* - Asshat decides he wants to cancel, but he doesnt want to wait on hold for us to transfer him to that department. Had I taken the call I would have let him know he'd have to pay for the modem if it's still unaccounted for when he cancels. It's not his until he's locked into the contract after 30 days. -firebird2k2
  • Marco... PolNO -rockytech
  • In the words of David Spade, let me escalate that to our CE-No. -technaround
  • Sha-No-No! -Torinir
  • Yoko Oh,NO! (Although over here she was often known as Yoko Oh, YES!) -Gromit
  • I WANNA NEW MODEM!!!! </starts running towards the LART shelter, but gets shot in the leg> -Veinor
  • <lowers BFG9000> You're lucky it wasn't any higher up, sunshine - now hop it. <BFEK9G> -Gromit
  • 9. What the Frak?
    http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=2&u=/nm/20050311/od_nm/leisure_mcdonalds_dc Someone, please tell me how this will speed up orders?
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Just read that myself today, kind of curious as to how thats going to work -HadEnough
  • It's not the North Dakota accent that worries me, it's the Panjabi accent. -concept14
  • Would you like a cherry squishi with that? </Apu> -TheMage18
  • The Panjabi accent might be kind of funny. Imagine ordering a Big Mac, only to face a verbal assault over harming a sacred cow by someone who doesn't know the truth about McDonalds "meat". ("Billions and billions served, almost 2 whole cows used.") -HidariMak
  • Fallacy: This assumes that (1) call center employees really DO have superior communication skills, and (2) call center or local, those speakers at the drive-through STILL suck for audio quality! -Captain Trips
  • Maybe if they upgrade by sourcing their speakers from Radio Shack. lmao -missourimule
  • Here in the Northeast, the problem can be either a Latino accent or just very poor English grammar skills. (NOTE: They speak my language, & I don't speak theirs. But why hire a person for a language position if they aren't fluent in the language?) -CTYankee
  • Hidarimak - I dunno what MacDung's are like your side of the Pond but over here you could quite happily apply a "Suitable for vegetarians" sticker to their burgers. And just about everything else on their menu... -Gromit
  • The McDonald's closest to me is a nightmare. They take your order at the speaker, and then you drive round, and they have to take your order again. Sample (late at night, nothing else in area open): Me: "I'd like the chicken mcnugget meal." McDrone: "We don't have that, we only have the chicken sandwich and the cheeseburger." Me: "OK, I'll have the chicken sandwich" McDrone: "We don't have that." Me: " . . . ?" -valkyrja
  • 10. Two Starfish, One User ID
    (Names changed to protect the stupid). This tale involves Bob Smith #1 & #2. Bob Smith #2 calls and wants a supervisor because Sales told him he could have "bobsmith@isp.com" as his userid (New customrs have to register their own userid, Sales has no way to check if a userid is already taken and did they conference in Technical Support? Nope!). So he goes out and spends '.. several thousand dollars' on advertising including said email address. Turns out, Bob Smith #1 has had that email address since mid-2003, but Bob Smith #2 insists he should have it instead, because he is using it for his business. Right. Sure. We'll get right on that.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • "get your own domain you fucktard". sorry I think people who run busineses should not have "email@isp.com" thats almost as bad as "email@hotmail.com" -xtc46
  • We had one guy who had a little business - think he was a magician - who advertised using his personal webspace with us. He got cards, pamphlets, etc - but when he phoned tech for the URL of it, they gave him the wrong syntax, which he used. I think we ended up compensating him for that... eek. -namor
  • "get your own domain you fucktard". LMAO@that one. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • See rule #1. Just because the starfish wanted that e-mail address doesn't necessarily mean that anyone told them they could have it. -HidariMak
  • I probably should have said "Sales told him...." -firebird2k2
  • I didn't know that you had confirmed Sales as actually saying that, as opposed to BS #2 (isn't that redundant?) stating what he thought or hoped Sales said. I've received a few calls where the phrase "the last tech said" was used, and the SF wasn't aware that I was the last tech they had talked to. -HidariMak
  • Those calls are awesome, HidariMak! Don't you just love responding to the phrase "But the last tech told me..." with "No, actually what *I* said was..." :D And as long as you watch the tone you use, QA doesn't say a thing. (at least where I work) -missourimule
  • One major rule in business: never print up letterhead, stationary, business cards, etc, until AFTER you have confirmed not only that you have verified your phone number, address, e-mail, and url AND confirmed that they work. "Your lack of foresight does not constitute an emergency on my part." -Captain Trips
  • Cap: Bingo. Although if you knew Bob Smith #1, it might have been a great opportunity for you both to make a little business transaction. Of course, Bob Smith #2 never realized that he could have just politely explained his problem to Bob Smith #1 and offered to buy the name from him, did he? -Geminii
  • When I was the IT admin at a previous company, we had our own domain for our webpage and email addresses for those in need. However, our main sales person insisted on using his AOL address, even though I was perfectly willing to arrange for him to have his own address at our domain. I tried to tell him that using an AOL address didn't look professional, especially when your website has its own domain, but no, he decided it was easier to use his AOL address. -mdver
  • 11. Sneaky Motherf*ck*rs
    Damn cleaning crew swiped the last two peices of my pizza! Two slices left, not an empty box. Better beleive there'll be hell to pay for that.
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Get 'em! -Zayda
  • Since they like it so much, leave some additional slices for them to swipe (with some special added ingrediants- bonus points if they're not evident). Pizza is my favorite food, but I wouldn't dream of swiping someone else's.. -BayouTech
  • liquid laxitives <EG> -Armakuni
  • if theyre like the cleaning crew here just call INS and have them deported -GefahrMaus
  • Hook 'em up with some of this: http://www.deathsauce.com.au/megadeath.html -hkypipe
  • Looks like they cleaned up your last slices of pizza ! -lineswine
  • Mazzio's Pizza (and I'd imagine others) make Chocolate Chip dessert pizza. Hmmm...the opportunities. -missourimule
  • na to lite..they need this http://www.sweatnspice.com/hot-sauce/blairs-6am.php -neuman1812
  • 12. Just when you think...
    ... that humanity cannot get any more unfathomably stupid: http://tinyurl.com/3vjza. *sigh*
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Oopsie. Try http://tinyurl.com/3vjza (no dot at the end) (who's the dummy now?) Where's that LART shelter? -Gerund
  • That full stop confounded me for a second there. As for the asshat in the story, I hope he gets to go court, and loses everything he has. There should be a law against neeping. -modeski
  • *LARTS myself for the period at the end* Oops! -firebird2k2
  • Well I did wonder where his remote control was? Mine gets a work out regularly as different shows come on the idiot box. Remember that's what it is called - the idiot box. The thing I do most with my TV is watch my second computer play music, display the album cover and lyrics for the song that is playing and there is a visualization from G-Force doing something cool in another corner. Led Zeppelin "Stairway to Heaven" is playing right now. -Gerund
  • Asshat: "I am not at liberty to discuss the complaint unless it is a paid-interview situation." His motives become utterly clear. I really, really hope NBC spend a fortune on legal fees and make him pay them when he loses. -smellystudent
  • I'm surprised the idiot doesn't sue whichever company manufactured his TV. After all, they're as much to blame for the moron's personal viewing habits as NBC is. -HidariMak
  • I'm gonna Sue all the Tsunami Victims cause I don't like to see Dead Bodies, etc. -satanstech
  • (/obligatory MPFC quote) "is that rat tart? disgusting!" OK now my 0.02$....when are people in this country going to learn that they do NOT have constitutional protection against being offended. NBC has the right to show Fear Factor (and cancel good shows like Father of the Pride, but that's another rant) and the assbag suing them has just as much right not to watch. Let me guess......the remote was out of reach and this fat bastard was too lazy to peel himself out of the laz-y-boy to fetch it. I hope the judge laughs him out of the courtroom..... -leonine
  • My Prediction: Case will go to court. Lawyers will agree that it's total garbage, but, hey, it's a buck. A jury of his peers, i.e. starfish, will award damages and throw on a few extra million more for mental cruelty, cruelty to animals, and so on and so forth. He'll make out like a bandit, Fear Factor will be cancalled, and his 15 minutes of fame will be over when he drives through a stop sign in his brand new SUV he bought with the settlement. -TechnoVampire
  • The whole reason he was watching in the first place was probably to get grossed out. Then, when he finally did get grossed out, he didn't like the result (throwing up). -sassicatz
  • So let me get this straight. He's watching the show, thereby supporting it with his viewership, which is what millionis of others are doing as well, which tells NBC that people LIKE the show, which is why they continue to AIR the show, which is why this horribly bad show is still on the air, and only encourages them to have their contestants do increasingly disgusting stuff... Basically he's suing them because he watches the show. -EagleEye
  • The bloke is a dickhead of the first order. What is the difference between eating ratmeat & beef/pork/lamb/chicken/whatever? The fact that the guy is a paralegal (is that SF speak for 'too dumb to be a lawyer?' speaks volumes. Meh, this "sue if I think I have even the slightest chance" attitude get right on my tits. The greedy wanker should crawl back under his rock. -lineswine
  • Stupid is as stupid does, Sir.</Gump> -Torinir
  • "NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic)" - that's not the wrong message, it's largely true; "and in most cases against their will." - nope. Noone was forcing the rats down their throats, they chose to do it. Which kinda proves the first bit, yeah? -karlata
  • What's wrong w/ him changing the channel? Oh, right...then he couldn't sue. Silly me. -Darth
  • 13. Starfish of the Week?
    Guy wants a supervisor because our maintenance tech was 30 minutes early. He wanted a supervisor because the tech didnt arrive when he was supposed to. Of course, it didnt matter that the tech found and fixed the issue.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • Wait...he was early *and* fixed the issue!? And this SF has a problem with that? There's no pleasing some people. -modeski
  • He was probably pissed he had to quit goofing off and go back to work. -TechnoVampire
  • TechnoVampire, my money is on that as well. -RandalGraves
  • I can guarentee that tech doesn't work for *crappy cable* -leonine
  • Perhaps he was pissed cause the tech showed up 30 mins early and caught him jacking off to some goat pics :) -Armakuni
  • this just proves my theory that it's impossible to please customers. Even giving them precisely what they want is a waste of time, most of them are too stupid to manage to ask for what they actually want. -caspian
  • From my old sig - And the users exclaimed with a laugh and a taunt: "It's just what we asked for but not what we want." -jard
  • On the few times I've had to have cable/power/phone come out I'm happy if they show up during the window they give, if they're early I'd be surprised and would call in to compliment them, not complain. -Starfury
  • I can understand him being upset if he had been in the middle of doing some kind of big project and was interuptted becasue he thought he had 30 extra minutes, but toi call and complain is just crap. he could have politley asked the tech to hold on while he stopped what he was doing or something. -xtc46
  • Perhaps he was in the middle of a very complicated exfoliation procedure. -normntaz
  • Never heard it called THAT before... -hkypipe
  • 14. Interesting Internal IM
    Our callcenters use a customized Java app for internal IM functions. The other day our center in Florida got a message from the center in India: "Jackets are ready to be picked up." Hmm, sounds strange yes? Ok from what I know, our employees there live in company provided guarded housing, are provided transportation to work and now jackets? Am I going out too far on a limb in thinking they are referring to flak jackets? Good grief if this is the case........ ?!?!!
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • HEY POSTAL!!!! AIM FOR THE HEAD!!! -burrkiss
  • Life jackets might be more apropos! -viennasausage
  • Hey, These jackets are Defective! They don't have BullsEyes on the Back! -satanstech
  • Satan - That's to make it more challenging. -redevil34
  • Can you just hear it? <Indian accent> Give mee a new jaaaacket!</Indian accent> -lineswine
  • 15. Ouch. My brain!!
    Ethernet light on the modem is off. Go to check NIC and things get bizarre. Customer disables his NIC, ethernet light comes on. Enable the NIC and the ethernet light goes off. Damn, I'm glad I didnt have that call.
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Menu shows "Disable" = NIC Disabled, Menu shows "Enable" = NIC Enabled -satanstech
  • could be a crossover cable... -EagleEye
  • IRQ conflict? -RiffRaff
  • IQ conflict? -Tekkie
  • Not sure what was causing it. NIC wasnt provided by us, so we sold him a one way ticket to OEMsville. -firebird2k2
  • LOL @ Tekkie... -hkypipe
  • 16. A New(?) Parody Site (OT)
    http://www.slashnot.com/ Parody of Slashdot. Some may already have it, but thought I'd share anyway. Happy Holidays.
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    17. IL Governor = Clueless assclown? (OT)
    Governor of Illinois latest 'elected official' to speak out against the 'danger' of violent video games. http://www.dailysouthtown.com/southtown/dsnews/179nd1.htm. I suggest using the following link to submit your feelings on this issue, Illinios resident or not. http://www.illinois.gov/gov/contactthegovernor.cfm. You can read my comments here: http://www.fullcirclephoenix.com/illinoisgovernor.htm
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • THe only real thing I would like to see is if a game is rated for 17+, then my 8 year old nephew cannot go buy it. As of now he can unless the store chooses not to sell it to him. -KalAshlar
  • I don't know if there's a "danger" in violent video games, but I would want a young kid playing some of these games. In our hosehold, this is accomplished by us (parents) not buying these games for our child, not letting her buy them, or rent or play them. If I think it's ok, I'll buy it for her, then the decision is in my hands. -Kensai7
  • Congress has sponsored several studies on relating video game and movie violence to actual real-world violence. In ALL cases, the results have been inconclusive. The problem is that "common sense" in this case is that "obviously, they must be to blame for all the violent kids these days!" It is human nature to have gut reaction opinions on issues, and parents are eager to leap on anything that might be a threat to their childrens wellbeing. If people would start making decisions based on evidence, rather than "some guy said this might be true, and it sounds right, so it must be true!" Despite many, many hours with Mario and Luigi, I'm sure none of use have ever jumped on turtles or tried to break bricks with our heads (those who did, in fact, eat mushrooms, I doubt did so because Mario did). Despite playing DOOM and the like for years, I have never physically attacked another human being, let alone with a gun. People like this Governor, and Senator Lieberman of Connecticut (who very often brings up this very topic) need to stop trying to milk the foolishness of the average person and focus on real issues, solutions to problems backed by evidence! Sorry for the rant. -Timmay
  • This is something that really ticks me off. As an avid gamer and former employee of Gamestop, Inc., I hate it when people generalize by saying that retailers don't care and will sell to anyone with the money. MY store never did. If you sold an M game to someone who looked underage without checking IDs, you were written up. Enough times (3-5) and you were fired. That's why the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (http://www.esrb.com) was created. People just don't know about it despite ads for it, brochures, & posters at most video game stores. Instead they choose to single out games like Grand Theft Auto (M rated) and say how it's violence hurts kids. It isn't intended for kids and if they are playing it, then it is the parent's fault for providing it to them or not caring enough to monitor what they play. Anyway, enough, sorry for the long rant. -Darth
  • Darth-- I understand that your store may not have. But that is a decision made by the stores. For movies, there are actual penalties. For games it's a matter of conscience. Which alot of people don't have. -KalAshlar
  • And, after all the preaching about how 'bad' they are by the politicians, the end result is the kids just want the game(s) that much more... -MadJack
  • I live across the oHIo river from Illinois. I always call it the "communist state of ILL" due to a: Gas prices WAY too high b. Speed trap city everywhere!! c. Way too overpriced. -beatmewithstick
  • I'll quote someone's previous posting: From a t-shirt I saw once: "Video games do not influence people. If pac-man influenced me, I'd be in a dark room, popping pills, seeing ghosts, & listening to crappy techno music." -Wraith556
  • 18. Dee-jay Kicks Caller's Ass (OT)
    Guy calls the local rock station (WJRR http://www.wjrr.com) saying US troops in Iraq shouldnt be complaining about lack of armor, etc. Went so far as to call our troops the terrorists. Completely clueless asshat, and the deejay ripped him a new one. The dj called him an a-hole, and personally volunteered to pay for this guy's plane ticket to whatever other country he wanted to go to. I was driving to work at the time and almost had to pull over because I was laughing so hard at this on-air LARTing. After delivering the first salvo in this massive LARTing, the caller started in on how the soldiers are murderers and God says murder is wrong, etc. DJ told him "Whatever man, I'm done talking to you. You're a moron." and hangs up. While I personally dont completely agree with our soldiers being in Iraq, I will certainly support their need to have all the neccessary equipment to do their job safely. That segment does make me a little worried that the dj might get an FCC complaint, but I think he was 100% right in his verbal spanking of this moron.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Hey it's not like the soldiers are there by choice it's because some idiot in government started a fight that he couldn't finish himself. But it is nice to hear a world class LART. Got a contact address for the radio station/dj so we can e-mail him some karma? -Armakuni
  • I completely agree. Dont fault the soldiers, they are just following orders. -firebird2k2
  • Clarification: "Just following orders" only goes so far, but yes, you're right that our troops are over there to carry out foreign policy, whether they agree with it or not. "War is the continuation of politics by other means." I, for one, think the current US Commander-in-Chief is an asshat, but the troops in Iraq have my full support for the job they're doing. -RiffRaff
  • Man, I wish I coulda heard that... -MadJack
  • Yeah it would be cool if the call was recorded and posted online. Probably cant do that though, even if there is a recording. -firebird2k2
  • Check out the radio stations web site and go to the "babe of the Day" Very nice and work safe. -atomicbill
  • You're right Riff. -firebird2k2
  • Should have added that this is, of course, not an exact transcript of the call. As close as I could remember considering I posted this a couple hours after I heard it. -firebird2k2
  • what? I couldnt hear him, i was too busy killing babies,stealing oil and doing Bush's bidding. all chuckles aside, i'd like to thank that DJ. kick his ass BRO! -SGTARKyTEK
  • fcc hasnt kicked mike savage off yet, and i hope they never do. I love it when he goes of in a rant on his callers. -SGTARKyTEK
  • Damn, I should call that radio station. Free plane ticket! -Geminii
  • 19. Dont Bother Being Home
    Customer calls complaining that our maintenance department never showed up for the scheduled repair dispatch. However, same starfish says he was also not home the entire day, nor did he have his cellphone with him. Maintenance ticket shows that the tech left a tag on his door because nobody was there. Yet this assclown still is demanding a supervisor. Got him over to maintenance, as per instructions in the ticket. Dispatch tech there delivered the LART. "Sir, you shouldnt be placing the blame on us when we told you clearly to be at the DSL location and you werent. You failed to hold up your end of the bargain, so you have only yourself to blame."
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • very restrained of you i would have let him have it. Althou my confidence is at a hi at the moment as i just got a glowing appraisel :) -Armakuni
  • The reputation I have around my workplace as an asshole with the customers is due to situations like this, where the customer is clearly in the wrong. I won't sugar-coat it and kiss ass. If we're in the wrong, I'll do everything I can to make it right. If there's doubt as to who's in the wrong, I try to give benefit of doubt to the customer. If the customer is clearly in the wrong, they've got nothing coming from me. If they're in the wrong and they cop an attitude about it, then they've got nothing coming except an even worse attitude from me. This "customer is always right" bullshit went out with the 20th century, and they can kiss my white, hairy ass. -RiffRaff
  • Completely agree with you Riff, but the ass part.. just eww. LoL -firebird2k2
  • "Let me tell you something...The customer is Always an Asshole!" <Mallrats> -billybien
  • 20. When Starfish Invade
    Almost our entire staff of techs has been slowly being replaced with starfish! I wish it werent so, but the whole change to flowcharts is really taking the 'technical' out of technical support. You know you are screwed when 95% of the techs cant figure out that anything less than 100% on an atm circuit ping means the dsl isnt working. It gets worse from there too! *Sigh*
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Ouch - sounds like Invasion of the IQ Snatchers. -teivrann
  • Sounds like they need to hire me. I'll show'em what bad tech support is really like. -satanstech
  • worse == dsl light off on modem: ask senior tech; 691 error: ask senior tech // -firebird2k2
  • sounds like that company is one step away from outsourcing....(if they havn't already) -leonine
  • Sadly, we are the outsourcers. Actually the ISP outsourced to another company who outsourced it to us. -firebird2k2
  • 21. Mystery of the Rebooting Modem
    Okay everyone, lets see if you can figure this one out. Customer is on her second modem. Both modems stay powered for 30 seconds and then reboot. Two different power supplies, two different ethernet cord. Two computers, each with a different built in NIC. She has cable internet in addition to her dsl (switching providers). Neither cable modem has this problem when plugged into either computer. DSL modem only reboots on one of the computers. I'll post the answer in comments in 24hrs.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Hrmm... The MAC address is set right thru the provider on the second DSL modem? That's the only thing I can think of, unless I'm reading this wrong. -exzyle2k
  • surge protector? what are the odds that the two computers are close enough to share surge protector. -drachen
  • DSL S/W is locked in some kind of Setup/Reset Loop? -satanstech
  • exzyle2k - the dsl is pppoe. i'd guess the cable is mac address authentication, as per standard. drachen - both dsl modems were tested not plugged into any kind of surge protector or power strip. getting warmer ^_- -firebird2k2
  • satanstech - no, sorry =) -firebird2k2
  • house power is rising/falling out of tolerance? -Packet
  • Packet - Good guess.. getting much warmer, but no =) -firebird2k2
  • Had it plugged into a circuit that goes off and on with a light switch? I'm reaching here. -Evan
  • Possibly a hint: the cable modem may not have been affected by the issue because it's a passive device where as the DSL modem has built in pppoe software and stores information, which requires more power. -firebird2k2
  • Evan - getting a little closer.. it's definitely power related in some way. -firebird2k2
  • Evan - getting a little closer.. it's definitely power related in some way. -firebird2k2
  • Oh God...she Used the Cable modem adapter or the wrong one on the DSL Modems - Dallas590 -Dallas590
  • Dirty power, possibly a circuit breaker with corroded contacts (arcing)? -VIPERsssss
  • Dallas590 - Nope, verified she was using the proper power adapters for each modem. Viper - no everything else but was working fine except on one PC.. it wasnt the outlet. // Both very good guesses though. =) -firebird2k2
  • -Dallas590
  • Too many USB devices overloading her power supply?? (drunk and guessing) -VIPERsssss
  • On the same circuit as a major appliance that was causing somwhat of a brownout? -Dallas590
  • Viper & Dallas - Nope, these both would have affected the other modems as well. -firebird2k2
  • The suspense is killing you isnt it? ^_^ <bfeg> -firebird2k2
  • Actually I used to do installs with cable modems, what you are describing is the classic case of someone is spoofing her address. I'd suggest unplugging her modem and trying to ping it, if you get a ping, unbind the modem you are connecting to, that usually solves the problem. Otherwise, line noise? Aliens have taken over her house and she doesn't know it? -spectreoflife
  • Lady had a rocking chair at her computer, and when she rocked forward the front of the arms would trip the reset button on the surge strip? -exzyle2k
  • bad power outlet? lose power connector? U{PS on the frits? -Harm
  • exzyle2k - Oh man.. funny.. you're reaching man, reaching! -firebird2k2
  • Harm - Nope, several different outlets tried with each DSL modem. -firebird2k2
  • // Hint // Customer mentioned that at times this particular computer would find her NIC when she logged in. -firebird2k2
  • I would suggest that the modem was pulling more power than the circuit could take, and was tripping the breaker. But that should just shut it off, along with everything on that circuit. Here's my thought: Using a power adaptor/transformer that's not rated for the modem's current draw? -Jay911
  • She jammed the Cat5 in hard enough to crack the traces & it went up & down with the temp? -Tekkie
  • Every time windows detected the NIC it'd surge/short the modem? -trs998
  • Strangely-wired cat5 sending confusing signals to the modem when the NIC is detected? -Jay911
  • If it's a speedstream 5200 router with older firmware, it's due to AOL being on the computer (seriously) In short, AOL is sending out data that messes with the internal firewall of the 5200 router causing it to basically reboot. Turn off AOL to see if that fixes it. If that does the trick then just turn off the firewall in the 5200 router (assuming that's what she's using) -kryliss
  • Jay911 - Your first sentence was as close as anyone has come so far to being correct. However, ya got a little colder on the rest as she was using all the correct power adapters for all the equipment. // trs998 - Another very close guess. // Jay911 again (lol) - Got back on the right track there, but still not 100% correct. Getting much closer! // Kryliss - It is a Speedstream 5100 modem/router, no built in firewall. Great guess though! I'll have to remember that tidbit in case the isp i work for starts shipping those modems! -firebird2k2
  • I'd still try killing off AOL (well as always) and see if the rebooting works. Speedstream equipment is known for hiding stuff within their equipment so the firewall may not have a link but the page can be gotten to if you know the exact address.. Try http://192.168.254.254/fwcfg.htm that's what it is in the 5200 router.. hope this helps. -kryliss
  • Hmm... Is she using two regular cat5e lines, or is one of those badboys a crossover? -exzyle2k
  • find her nic on bootup... hmmmm usb and ethernet connected at the same time - with a lose NIc card on the lot... wait you sid this happned on 2 diffrednt systems right? hmmm... odd... just very very odd. i really want to know the answer. -Harm
  • Kryliss - I wish we could uninstall AOL, but we arent allowed to. Only allowed to suggest it to the customer. The 5100 is 192.168.0.1 and /fwcfg.htm doesnt bring anything up. Thanks again for info though! // Exzyle2k - both cables were cat5e patch. // Harm - No USB NIC, no loose NIC either; it was integrated into the motherboard. Only happens on 1 of the two systems w/ both DSL modems. Great guess though. // Stay tuned! Answer at 10pm EST!! -firebird2k2
  • THE STARFISH IS LYING -xtc46
  • Always a possibility. -firebird2k2
  • Low AC voltage? -beatmewithstick
  • Sacrifice a Chicken and Dance Naked CounterClockwise around the Computer 3 times, Chanting the Microsoft EULA. It won't fix it, but it'll make you feel less foolish when you do find the problem. -satanstech
  • beatmewithastick - close, but not quite. // satanstech - friggin hilarious! -firebird2k2
  • I'll try again - There is a "semi-short" on the NIC wiring. The Cable Modem could handle the excess current draw, but the DSL modems can't. -satanstech
  • the dsl modem is using ppoe off of the pc like a dialup type connection and OE is set to hang up after sending and receiving. -Kormath
  • Wake on LAN causing some kind of issue? -FrontSideBus
  • what time zone are you in? Will your 10 pm be the same as my 10 pm? -Kormath
  • Originally I was going to post the answer at 10pm Eastern Time. However, ladies and geeks, we have a winnah!! Satanstech was correct. The NIC was shorting, causing the DSL modems to reboot. -firebird2k2
  • Some of us is Good, A few is Even Better, but Only One of Us is Me! (teleports to personal LART Shelter) - actually, I just let you other guys do the work, then took the credit like a good little Co-Lurker From Hell should! -satanstech
  • Oh God...she Used the Cable modem adapter or the wrong one on the DSL Modems - Dallas590 -Dallas590
  • Oh God...she Used the Cable modem adapter or the wrong one on the DSL Modems - Dallas590 -Dallas590
  • Oh God...she Used the Cable modem adapter or the wrong one on the DSL Modems - Dallas590 -Dallas590
  • Oh God...she Used the Cable modem adapter or the wrong one on the DSL Modems - Dallas590 -Dallas590
  • 22. Something New For TSC?
    Do we have any talented artists here? I think it would be cool to have a tech support related web comic for the site! We could adapt the best of the best submissions to start. Of course we could all What do you think Hawk? (I guess server space might be an issue). Anyone else like the idea?
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Looked at the FAQ? Hawk used to draw a webcomic himself. No, big problem is not the artistry, it is the funny. Hard to have a sense of humour after what we go through... -chazz
  • Will prolly just end up being a picture edition of BOFH :) -Armakuni
  • The best idea I have for that would be to make the comic like Shorties. They put together animated films for comedy routines. So, make comics based on the people and stories on the site. -NightSteel
  • Bags not making any of CD's Goat pron stuff. -Armakuni
  • I'm a pretty good artist and I've been thinking about something like that for a while. The problem is my stories are more frustrating than funny. -steveO77
  • Maybe just an artist conception of some of the stories posted would be nice. -TechnoVampire
  • Chazz, I checked the FAQ and found the old comic. Pretty cool stuff, thanks for the tip. -firebird2k2
  • While I would have volunteered, I'm simply not gonna have the time to try to get back up to "decent" between now and 2007. (Seriously.) -snowcrash
  • Zombie Goat Bukkake! -CommanderData
  • I've wanted to start a webcomic for some time. It would contain pretty much a mixed bag of the thigs that are prominent in my life. (work, hockey, family life, ect....). My biggest problem is time.....there just ISN'T any -leonine
  • I have a webcomic that has been on hiatus for a few months so I guess I can draw alright. My problem is I can't hold a pen or pencil still enough to work on anything right now. -Taterlain
  • Oh, Sod! *Another* fricken' Idea-man. LARTs on standby. -Necros
  • I vote that the first story be a Mrs. Cry Baby story, featuring CD crushing her!!! Or getting her canned!! -TechOgre
  • 23. Ow, My Freakin Ear!!
    Supervisor call.. Starfishy has 2-line phone jacks (two numbers on the same jack) in her home and ordered DSL, but "it hasnt worked yet". Truth: She hasnt been able to use it because all she wants to do is call up and yell at people instead of STFU for a minute and listen. She has been told by 2 other tech support supervisors that she ordered from that we dont send free filters for 2-line phone jacks as they are not a common occurance. The customer needs to purchase this equipment on her own. According to this loud fishy, she told the sales drone about the 2-line jacks. What did said sales drone tell her? "Dont worry, everything you need comes with the kit". Sales drone translation = "I'll tell you anything to make my commission.". Worst part about this call is that this lady is yelling so loud that I have to hold the headset away from my ear to keep from going deaf. Gave her two warnings about it, but she kept it up. On top of that, she's doing the typical starfish routine of cutting me off everytime I start to talk to neep the same four sentences she's already said, again and again. Third time she started her yelling, I interrupted her. "Ma'am, I've asked you politely twice. You havent listened. Now I'm telling you. You cannot behave in this manner when you call in and expect any kind of assistance. I'm done asking you to calm down and be professional. Call Sales in the morning. <obligitory closing script>, goodbye."
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • STFU you ID10T get the fuck off my phone. :::::THHWWAAPPP:::::::: -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 24. Perverted But Funny (NWS / OT)
    Friend showed me this. Pretty hilarious stuff. Probably nto work safe though. http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~derekyu/pr0n/vids/mps2.mpa
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Ya know it man ... hillarious video indeed. The best part was obviously Snake breathing hard on the codec screen, as if he just finished up (or getting warmed up, depending on how your mind works ... lol). -The5thHorseman
  • That's not right! -LaserGuru
  • ROTLMAO!!!! Too funny!!!!! ;) -mousie
  • 25. When Will the Pain Stop?
    This is just getting out of hand. When are these conservative nitwits going to realize that this isnt the 1950s anymore? http://www.theinquirer.net/?article=19761
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • This is what happens when leaders are chosen. They choose their administration, who in turn, tries to accomplish it's goals. Don't like their goals, don't elect them. </end of rant> -Bobsentme
  • "You started a war, you have to stop it!" "We have to fight Canadian smut!" "Hello?" "Our children are precious!" "Hello?" </South Park> -teivrann
  • freedom of religion means freedom from religion. -rhiannon
  • Haha, Bob. I wish they hadnt been elected. Unfortunately for this liberal Democrat I am outnumbered in this country by people who refuse to think for themselves and vote for a hapless dimwit because he is of their kind. Besides, afaik no one on the FCC is an elected official. All are appointed. -firebird2k2
  • 1950s? Hell, they wanna take us back to the 1750s... this is how it all begins.. evening, all... -MadJack
  • it's the inquirer... a tabloid. all I have to say is, "I plead the 1st ammendment" Scared of sex? LOL I wasnt scared of it. and theres no way they can get rid of pr0n on the net... economies will collapse! -YellowDart
  • at first i was scared of sex. then the girl said ain't no cars comin relax. -p3bk4c
  • Yellowdart - The Inquirer is a tech site. The National Enquirer is a tabloid ^_- -firebird2k2
  • A few years back a UK politition came out with the statement that the 9-30 watershed for adult content on TV was now meaningless as children could program VCRs so the prewatershed constrains should apply 24/7 -Zoomer
  • Yeah. sex is the reason off all violence in the US and not, I repeat NOT all the violence.. -NoNoice
  • I blame it on extremely high numbers of parents who have no interest in their children aside from tax credits. -firebird2k2
  • I just love the irony - in the USA you can't see fucking on T.V., but you can easily go out, buy a gun & shoot the fuck out of your schoolmates/co-workers/random passers-by. No contradiction there, then... -lineswine
  • 26. Fun With Offshore TS
    I don't think badly of all offshore agents, just the ones that are clueless. Same goes for onshore support. My biggest gripe with offshore is they tend to not be provided enough information and training for doing their job. Offshore TS management seems to be content with giving them flowcharts as those will easily cover any issues a customer will run into. </soapbox> || Now on to the story: Friend of mine on Bellsouth DSL has an FTP account to a small amount of included hosting space. She needed to reset the password, so she calls Tech Support. Offshore agent has no idea what FTP is. Offshore supervisor swears they dont offer that service. Gets transferred to Tier2, Onshore. Problem solved in under 5 minutes. || Was it the agent or the management at fault? Either way.. geez.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Without know what their flowchart looks like, it's really hard to say. -BayouTech
  • "I don't think badly of all offshore agents, just the ones that are clueless" ....based on my experiances, that would be *all* of them (your results may vary). -leonine
  • I had the ultimate offshore account when i was working with lab equipment. South Pole Expidition for the US. Guys were great. Ask them what time of year it was down there and you got one of 2 answers, Daytime or nighttime. Anyway, they were trying to fix a cooling bath but the refrideration unit broke. They were calling me on how to fix it. They needed to keep a bath at 0 deg F. I finaly told them to use a heating bath and run 30 feet of tubing outside. The delay in the response was more than just the roundtrip to the satilite. The woman starts "We have 8 people here with a total of 19 PHDs. Why didnt we think of that?" "Simple M'am, not one of you is a tech. You guys SOLVE problems. Techs FIX problems." -TeamWolfguard
  • 27. Who The Frell Thought of This?
    Pepsi Holiday Spice. I dont know if this stuff has made to everyone's location yet. However if it does.. I'd recommend avoiding it. Unless you like your cola tasting like it has cinnamon and ginger in it. Unfortunately, I pressed the wrong button on the machine and am really too poor to waste my $1.00 on another one and toss this one out.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • WTF? Now I have to go looking for it just to waste my money. $1.00? Damn, most vending machines here are $1.50 and up! -Vermiis
  • Geeze... http://tinyurl.com/3twzk -Vermiis
  • I should have mentioned had the person stocking the vending machine turned the labels facing out, I likely wouldnt have made the wrong selection. Of course, part of the blame to me for not paying attention and pushing the same buttons I always push for regular Pepsi. -firebird2k2
  • Shoulda gone for the turkey & gravy flavoured soda... http://www.jonessoda.com/files/turkey04.html -K1W1
  • <start of cola wars>You should forget the horrible stuff and switch to real Cola...</start> Off to Pond I go..! -NordicPT
  • Is that in the States, or only over across the pond? -TechieSidhe
  • Should be in the states. Just saw a commercial for it in Cali. -Bartokk
  • Hmmm...I'll have to look for it when I go to the store. This, of course, is out of morbid curiosity, and also to see if I can get my drunk friends to drink it. -TechieSidhe
  • ad says "if it gets here at all" That would suit me just fine. some chef is trying to make recipies with it... NOT tempting -srteach
  • First of all, you used "Frell", so I instantly love you. Secondly, I tried it, and initially thought "MAN THIS IS GROSS" and then added "But would probably be good with spiced rum" -The Coyote
  • Thanks for the advance warning, firebird. I almost bought one, but thought better of it (Pepsi doesn't need adulterating, anyway. (Although Pepsi Twist is a notable exception) ) -LinuXtreme
  • We've seen it littering the shelves for well over a week now. My wife is afraid ot try it and I'm not curious enough yet.... -Mathias
  • It's their way of getting you to buy more sugar water than you already do. I had a can of the new C2 and it was horrible. -Starfury
  • C2 was not bad in the formula they were originally testing it with. They changed the formula and sent out a second batch to the testers. That is what ended up on the market. Why they choose to release this buchered version is beyond me. -Mathias
  • Hey my roommate got some of that here in the southern US, just out of morbid curiosity. It will NOT be on the Christmas party shopping list. -kman52000
  • wte got that stuff in hawaii...grabbed one by mistake from the store, but caught my self before drinking the crap. -xtc46
  • My wife just had to try it so we bought a 2 liter. Don't have any need to buy any more. -Flexo
  • I'll give it a try -- I survived a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. -concept14
  • Coca-Cola brewed in Mexico using sugarcane instead of corn syrup, bottled in a nostalgic pale-green bottle, true to the original Coke recipe. :) -MadJack
  • It's not too bad when properly chilled and adulterated with rum. few stores keep it cold enough. -PolarCoyote
  • 28. Quiet No More
    Hello fellow starfish loathing techs!! Wow.. it's been awhile since I posted anything here, but I still read frequently. Since you last heard from me when I spun my tale of anger at being demoted then promoted again, I've been lucky to gain another promotion. I know get to sit at the front desk and monitor each agent's phone codes and activity. I am the service level/occupancy/handle time monitor and slacker smacker! The main benefit is that I am lucky enough to not have to take calls any longer. I'm happy again at my job. Really needed a change after having been a senior tech for over two years. Of course, I'm not sure how long it will last since this account seems to be perpetually swirling down the toilet bowl. Ah well, fun while it lasts perhaps.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Beware supervisory posts in the cube farms, some can turn techs into PHBs... <BFEG> -MadJack
  • we'll keep ya on the straight and narrow :P -modeski
  • Funny, I have a friend that's in the exact situation that you're in, staring at the queue all day long, after being a senior tech for over 3 years. He says he hates it and is going insane. Yet he hates taking calls too... Can't make some people happy. -ClueBat
  • 29. Device Not Ready = ISP Problem
    (Supervisor Call) Our DSL and Dial setup CDs wont run. Starfish gets error "Device not ready". She claims to have just reinstalled Windows from her HP CD and installed both her printer and a game. Has Windodows 98 w/ Internet Explorer 4.0 so a manual setup is out until she can update IE. Had her put in her printer CD, same error. Explained to her that this is a computer issue. Her CD-ROM drive or Windows is the cause. Suggested she call HP. Does Starfishy believe me/understand? Oh no, of course not. She wants to cancel. Gave her hours of that department and the number to reach them. She asks if she will be charged the early term fee. Told her probably so becauase it's been more than 30 days and the issue is not ours, it's hers (in kinder terms, of course). Over her neeping, I explained that since her DSL signal was 100% and her order was complete. Offered her the number for HP since she said she didnt have it any longer. Then she had the nerve to ask me if we were going to pay the $40 fee for callign support. My response: "Most certainly not, ma'am. This is not an issue caused by our service, our software, or our CD. Any concerns you have over the warranty on your computer should be discussed with your computer manufacturer. If you feel that this kind of charge is unfair, you should more closely evaluate the warranty that comes with your next computer purchase." She got very quiet and I asked if there was anything else I could help her with. She said no and hung up.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Nice LART. Subtle, yet still bang-between-the-eyes. -teivrann
  • I didnt even add in the part about her whining about India techs at the beginning of the call. Didnt want the post to be a novel. I have a good LART for that kind of neeping though. "Starfish, offshore support is a compromise between yourself and the company providing the service. Our customers want lower prices for their monthly internet service. In order to facilitate this, we have some centers offshore. If you would prefer to have all onshore support, we would have to raise our service charges again to accomodate increased labor cost." Ok, so that's only partially true. Shuts em up! <bfeg> -firebird2k2
  • Nice LARTing style - delivered politely but with obvious relish. Love it! -Gromit
  • 30. One Week Later
    So I come in Monday exactly one week after being officialy demoted and one of the Operations Manager tells me to speak to the Manager of the new Senior Tech team. So I get settled in and go talk to him. Seems they decided to (re?)-promote me to a Senior Tech. Turns out I somehow managed to be a 'second alternate'. (Official Management Translation: Someone we picked first quit on us and now we need to beg the people we turned down to step up and fix our screw up.). I had to change my days off to Sunday & Wednesday instead of Friday & Saturday, which was a bit of a sacrifice for me because I've had the same days off for over three years. Ah well, I'm glad to be back on the Senior Tech team.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Did ya hold out for more $$$$ -mikeatnight
  • I think that a pay increase should have been offered or requested (demanded) by you. Unless it's one of those "we want you but if you pass we have 3 others in line waiting for the job." -Starfury
  • So the paycut from being demoted was rescinded right? -BritishBunny
  • Yeah, the only pay raise I got was that I didnt get a pay cut and if I didnt take it, there were other "alternates" behind me. -firebird2k2
  • 31. Back to Where I Started
    Well, after over 18 months of being a senior tech, I'm back on the phones now. Our management decided to "go a different direction" with the senior tech position. All 17 of us were essentially demoted and made to reapply for our jobs, and I didnt get selected. That's kind of like telling me that I'm not qualified for the the job I've been doing for nigh on two years, but I am not bitter. After seeing what their "new direction" is for the position, I'm really glad I didnt get "re"-promoted. Paycut kinda sucks, but I'll live. Back to the phones I go!! LoL
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Ouch! that sucks bigtime. well as long as you can outperform your peers you can get what you want in the long run :) hope everything works out to your advantage -CrystalMare
  • After that kind of treatment and the 'new direction' the company is going you may want to start job hunting. -Starfury
  • Oooo.. that sucks. Then again, it could be worse Firebird... -Warrick
  • Ever get the feeling "management" didn't have to go through the same process? -lineswine
  • 32. The Computer Professional (Asshat)
    Taking calls today.. and boy have the first two been winners. This jackass kept talking about how he was a "computer professional". He wanted to check his POP mail when he was out of town. I gave him our ISP's website for doing so. He proceeded to tell me that he's removed Internet Explorer from his Windows XP laptop. I told him he'd need a browser to access the website. His response? I'll have to download Internet Explorer I guess. First point.. how is he going to download a browser if he removed one, and claims he doesnt have any others on the PC? Who knows. I told him that I wasnt aware that IE could be removed from XP, that only the access to it as a web browser could be removed and he spews out some garbage about how he rewrote the registry to make this possible. Sure ya did retard. So I tell him that downloading IE from Microsoft's website wont help him as XP uses 6.00.26xx, not the regular 6.00 version that is available there. Customer insisted that he could get the downloaded version to work. Again, sure you can dipshit. </rant mode off>
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • LART him, connect to the net, open up home computer and in the address bar at the top just type in a URL, ME> oh really i though u removed IE.... -s0nix
  • Well, it probably *is* possible to edit the registry and remove IE from XP. It's probably also possible to download a browser using FTP from a command prompt. But I doubt this idiot has the knowledge to do either. If he's so good that he can re-write the Windows registry, why is he calling in for support? -RiffRaff
  • He probably means 'download from the Windows XP CD'. He also probably just deleted the shortcut... -scooby111
  • <snork!> Oh, scoob, I think you've probably got it right! -Tekkie
  • wasn't as a part of the Anti-trust settlement, microsoft allowed the removal of IE only if windows XP SP1 was installed -areatech
  • IE is allegedly an integral part of the OS. What installing SP1 allowed you to do was to specify an alternative browser as the default. Woopdeefarkingdoo. -smellystudent
  • As per the official MS training I got as an outsourcer for them, IE is part of XP and can NOT under any circumstances be removed, but it can be hidden. -DarthLuke
  • Altho as an ISP you should have the pop3 server information incase he should need to connect using eudora, or, heaven forbid, another OS. If the ISP support doesn't have the pop3 server name, then I can't exactly trust their technical support. -DracoSuave
  • You actually can go into the "Add/Remove Windows Components" and uncheck "Internet Explorer." Which, if you read the fine print, just removes the shortcuts. -fsck
  • I'm running Mozilla Firefox. Works great. -LaserGuru
  • Draco: You're assuming the ISP has POP3 access. There's several ISPs in my area which only have webmail. -karlata
  • 33. Grr Fucking SPAM!!!!
    Okay.. I thought I had this shit under control. I hardly get any SPAM email anymore thanks to some great little apps and good filtering rules. So what do these fucktard asshat spamming whore bitches do now? They send the shit to my fucking cellphone in the form of text messages!!!!! I called Sprint and they said that there was nothing they could do to prevent it. I feel sorry for anyone that has to pay for all text messages. Thankfully mine are unilmited. Regardless, I"m still rip roaring pissed that they are spamming my fucking cellphone!! Bastards!!! Die!! </rant mode off>
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Dammit! Is nothing sacred to those scum!? -CrazyCanuck
  • You'd figure the cell phone messenging people would have developed a secure texting program that wouldn't allow for spamming. You'd be wrong, but one would have hoped. :p That's why I don't pay for text messenging. It's bad enough it's in the neighbourhood of 10c a message for most, I don't want to pay for spam as well. -SwedishChef
  • Once upon a time, I was given a cell phone for use by my son's father, "just in case" anything should happen and I'd run late, etc. It had text messaging. My first comment to him was, "How long do you think it'll take before it becomes a spam drawer?" :( *sigh* I hate spammers... -snowcrash
  • The problem is that most cell phones text msg'ing can be sent to by just a standard email address. It sucks, no doubt though. -TheSingingTech
  • That's I guess a benefit of Cricket service, no email address for the phone. I'd rather deal with any spam issues and have the ability to send email from my phone, but then that's me. Then again, there's still a web form if someone really wanted to spam a Cricket phone. -OgdenTechGuy
  • Ive gotten spam on my cell while Camping- there is nothing worse then your cell going off at 4 am.. after a night of drinking by the campfire- only to greeted by a message trying to sell you viagra.. or breast enlargments. -Harm
  • Ill break my phone if it starts getting spam. That would suck. I use text messaging for talking to my friend in Hawaii -MrThou
  • I have a good cure for spammers. It involves a pair of pliers and garden clippers. And lot's of imagination... Perhaps we should get George W to embark on a campaign against "The New Axis of Evil": Spammers, Hackers, Virus Writers, Pornographers, and Scammers. The problem is that they probably all vote Republican. -Wraith556
  • 34. Lawyered Up
    This customer was denied DSL service because he's too far from the CO. Granted, he wasnt given complete info when he ordered and canceled his old ISP too soon. He was being reasonable for the first part of the call, but when I told him that there was nothing we could do to hook up DSL if Provisioning had denied his service, he started talking about calling his lawyer and wanting compensation. Typical? Yes, but this guy takes it to another level. His reason for wanting compensation? His kids didnt have access to the internet to do their homework. No business. No financial loss at all and he wants us to pay him compensation anyway? Fuck you pal.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • jeez, how are you going to compensate someone for services not even RENDERED? some ppl are so caught up in thinking that you can just about sue anybody. of course, unless this was one of those fucks that thinks threats "get the job done." bbbzzzttt WRONG! if a caller isn't a customer, then *click* :) -goblin69
  • Lawyers are caught up on sueing because they can. It takes a lawyer about 30 minutes to file a lawsuit, even if they never intend to go thru with it. If the compensation is small enought, they will probably never have to go any further. Most companies will settle a $2000 or less suit simply because it will cost more to send someone to court than it would to just pay. Lawyers are the lowest form of life on earth. -scooby111
  • No, customers are. But lawyers might come in a close second. -RiffRaff
  • Wrong! DAYTRADERS are the lowest form of life (although technically, they are customers)... -hkypipe
  • So what about daytrading lawyer customers? -TechnoVampire
  • Scraping the bottom of the barrel folks! -CheaTah
  • I hate when SF say their kids can't do homework because their service is down. WTF! Have you never heard of a text book? Or a library? -Dory
  • 35. Soda Junkies revolt!! (off topic?)
    I dont know about anyone else's city or state, but here in central Florida, 7-11 just raised the price of a 32oz fountain drink to $1.39, even though EVERYWHERE else around them is still charging $ .89 for the same thing! This is preposterous and is an affront to the Mountain Dew, Coke & Pepsi addicts of the geek world!! Seriously though, anyone else see this as ridiculously overpriced? Us techs dont make enough to support our various habits as it is!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • I just bought 2-liters of Pepsi for 88 each, plus the local BP consistently sells 44oz fountain sodas for 99. I never go to Village Pantry. -RiffRaff
  • I used to live in Chicagoland. Now I live in Cedar Rapids, IA. I miss White Hen Pantry. -Bioguy
  • That is rediculously expensive. Especially when it comes to almost $2 canadian! -TekkieGrl
  • I just buy $.99 2l bottles. It may be brand name on sale, or no name on regular, thats all i buy :D -MrThou
  • I don't buy soda at all, so this doesn't affect me. :-) -pixel
  • Burger King here sells a 32oz pop for $1.89 after taxes. (And it has NOTHING to do with the fact they just raised minimum wage to almost $8/hr. -scooby111
  • One of the annoying things about the UK is that we can't buy the "high caffine" drinks such as Jolt, Red Alert, etc. in the stores. Then again I regularly see the 550ml bottles for 1 sometimes more. I think the worst I was charged was 2 for a regular 'ikkle' bottle of coke. -fearmyroot
  • here at CostCo(price club) I buy 12 bottles of 710mL pepsi for under 7 bucks Canadian :) -Bunglehawk069
  • In the soda machines at our University they raised the prices for 20oz bottles to $1.25 and 12oz cans to $.75 a while back. I stopped using the soda machines and instead hauled my spare beer fridge from my living room to my office and bring 12-packs of that Magic Black Elixir of Life from home. I generally cross-shop Wal-Mart and several grocery stores and buy anywhere from 3-8 12-packs at a time wherever they have the lowest prices. -ltu1542hvy
  • 20 oz. $1.25 at school. $1.00 at work. -whyme
  • Im in Cedar Rapids, the city of '5 smells'/ and dont drink pop (ITS POP DAMMIT NOT SODA) so it doesnt effect me. -burrkiss
  • Burrkiss, does that make it weasel piss? {POP goes the weasel...} -CTYankee
  • Technically it's soda-pop. Hyphenated, unhyphenated, partial or full, it don't really matter. It's all the same carbonated, high-fructose-corn-syrupy mess. But the major reason I like working as a M1cr0s0rft vendor...free soft drinks! ;) -snowcrash
  • pop? soda? is that the stuff you wash your coffee cup out with? -DedSysOp
  • Doesn't 7-11 sell refills, any size, for $0.89? There is a gas station / inconvenience store on the way to work that does 44oz refils for $0.59+tax. Plus, I bring in 2L bottles and work sells 12oz cans for $0.50 My only problem the syrup causes the needle in my IV drip to clog. -ecoli
  • Sorry, ecoli. They raised the price on refills (up to 44oz) to $1.19. -firebird2k2
  • 36. Automated Checkouts vs Starfish
    Okay.. if these automatic checkouts in supermarkets could get any easier, then I'm Bill frickin Gates. As great as they are, TRY getting behind a Starfish in one of these lines. You'll spend 10 times longer than waiting on the slowest, laziest, most unfriendly live cashier!! Worse yet, Starfish flock to them like moths to a lamp. ARGH!!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • i heard a beep, do i can it again to make sure? No wait, its charged me twice.. Ok, Lets try.... DONT BEEP AT ME! All i wanted was a pack of smokes! *cries* -MrThou
  • I love it when I step into line, scan a cart full of groceries faster than the person beside me can scan their 5. I always laugh at them as I walk by, reciept in hand! -Bobsentme
  • It is my opinion that they should have a geeks only sign above these checkout lanes! -firebird2k2
  • the problem with 1/2 of these checkoutdummies is that they seem to be too stupid to read. the 1st time i used the selfcheckout i was at LEAST 3 times faster than anybody else. -burrkiss
  • i wish they had those here. i love those things. i usually only buy a few things at a time. in and out in a flash. -whyme
  • I just used the self-checkout at the new WalMart this afternoon. I probably would have been OK, but there is nothing that let's you know that here is a sensor on the bagging station. I guess it is part of the anti-theft system. If you remove the bag too soon, the station does not like it. -LaserGuru
  • "Please place the item in the bag...please wait for assistance..." or "slide your debit card in the card reader to the right..." It can't get any fricken easier to do people! -lsvtec
  • I don't use the machines on principal, I have nothing agains machines augmenting and improving our lives but when they replace people they've gone too far. I will wait however long it takes to avoid the damned things unless I have something to buy that I'd rather not discuss here (like nursing pads for the wife) oops just discussed it! -DarthLuke
  • 37. Tier2 on Demand
    Another supervisor call where the customer is demanding Tier2. She's been calling since Dec 16th, and does have a legitimate issue. However, it's that when she connects with our software and our seperate browser she gets a ton of popups in Internet Explorer windows. She's been told in the past that she most likely has spyware and that the issue is outside of our scope. We've uninstalled and reinstalled the our software and even sent her a new CD, all to no effect. No one will transfer her to Tier2 because it's not their issue. All she wants to do is yell and scream and be rude to our agents. She's been hung up on 3 times already. I warned her twice and began to a third time, but she hung up before I could. ---- You'd think she'd have gotten the message by now, but all she wants to talk about is how we are inconveniencing her. Now she's going to cancel. Oh darn, I'm so concerned.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • She should go with your namesake, Firebird! -CTYankee
  • I always walk them through downloading and running a spy/adware remover. Am I just too nice? =/ -discordkitty
  • Yes, WAY too nice it seems... Granted, some lusers need the help, but most of the time it can't be done. Where I work, we have a "call flow" that we are not allowed to deviate from. Then again, 3/4's of our tech don't know what to do in the first place, so I guess a call flow is good? erg... -sperling
  • I give them links, I have a template for links I sent to customers. I note that we as an ISP are not responsible for supporting it or instructing you to run it. -Bunglehawk069
  • Nobody recommened Ad-aware or something? Or are you not allowed 2? -Waylander
  • Shoulda told her, "Yes, ma'am, Tier 2 wants to be your bitch...always..." -vacuumtubes
  • Many large OEM's won't allow their techs to even MENTION spyware removers. Gee, i wonder why.... -EvilOtto
  • Some programs that come with spyware/adware like Kazaa, Bonzi Buddy & Gator/GAIN mention in the EULA that that part of the program is present. Customer agrees to EULA, which is a legal and binding contract of sorts. Using adware removers technically violates said EULA. Helping a customer do that is technically illegal. Companies are worried that they will get sued, I'd guess. All this seems to have started with the PCPitstop vs Gator thing. -firebird2k2
  • PCPitstop vs. Gator thing?? Got link/article on it? -jackywebdesign
  • http://www.pcpitstop.com/gator/Lawsuit.asp :: Gator sued them b/c they took offense at their "fine software" being called spyware. -objekt404
  • 38. Blaster Virus Leftovers and Your ISP
    As usual, this was a supervisor call from another agent. The lady was mad that we (a baby Bell DSL ISP) couldnt help her fix the Blaster worm problem on her computer, even though MSN helped her with it before she reloaded her computer. I explained to her over and over that MSN may have done that because they are owned by Microsoft and since MS is the OS maker too, it might be in their scope of support, but it sure as hell wasnt in ours. Of course, she didnt get it. Oh well.. she'll cancel and then she wont be our problem anymore.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • no thats not in the msn scope of support, we had to reffer to microsoft for that. just because msn is owned by them doesn't mean they can do that. -postal tech
  • Not that it wouldn't have taken all of twenty seconds to explain how to remove the virus. -Mushroom
  • Nah, it would have taken much longer than 20 seconds with this winner. As far as MSN's scope of support, I didnt figure that they would help her with it. I was pretty sure that she was mistaken, but we all know enough about Starfish logic to not even try to rationalize it. :-) -firebird2k2
  • Here's the problem..You help her remove this virus, then she will call any other time that she gets one. -nascar
  • 39. Port 1214 Liar
    One customer calls our ISP to report a 'hacking attempt' to his computer by another one of our customers. The 'attack' is attempting to connect to his machine via Port 1214. Had the tech tell the customer that this port is used only by Kazaa and Grokster filesharing apps. Of course, starfishy got mad and swore that he wasnt using either program. Right, sure you arent. Neither is anyone else.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • whaaa? Because ANYONE who knows what a port is too smart to use kazaa, right? right? Remember... sharing is caring. :-P -crackshot
  • 40. I Guess I'll Have to Cancel
    Starfish is using Win98 @ 33% resources on boot. Our lovely crapware connection software is hosing up, bigtime. Illegal operations and the like. She refuses to understand that it's because her POS machine is running like crap. The computer is 5 freakin years old. Jeezus lady maybe you shold cancel the service and stop bothering us. End result of this supervisor call is I convinced her to uninstall our resource hogging crapware and just use the PPPoE dialer app.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • Hmmmm, you wouldn't happen to work for Yahoo/Silly Bloody Cranks? -CTYankee
  • Tis certainly most likely. -firebird2k2
  • yeah... me too. I know, bird, we don't actually work for s*c, but for S*kes. if we actually worked for s*c, we'd do half the work we do now, for 2x the money... -HappyCrappy
  • Nope, not s*kes either. LoL -firebird2k2
  • its amazing that the computer is still alive, it should be collect dust in the attic by now. -kennz
  • converg*s perhaps? -WickedClown
  • Hey, my computer's 5 years old and s..t..i..l..l w...o...r...k...i...n...g f....i....n....e, thanks! -robbor
  • 41. Run Little Starfish
    (A friend's call)........... Tech: "Thank you for calling ISP tech support, how can I help you?" || Starfish: "Yes, I'm calling from just outside of San Diego and I cant get online."...........*groan*....
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Can you go inside? -billybien
  • Ah, the miracle of modern-day disasters... no matter what it might be, earthquake, hurricane, fire, asteroid impact, the little critters of nature want their net connections to work. *sigh* The bad thing is that I've been online during hurricanes and such... at least I know if it goes down, there's a good reason for it. -VoiceOfSanity
  • You need a better firewall, ma'am. <click> -RiffRaff
  • Hey Hawk, do you have a fund for replacing keyboards? after Riff's comment I just lost another one to coffee -neuman1812
  • You can wrap your keyboard in cling warp. I wrap everything in cling wrap. -robbor
  • Why do I have the funny feeling that, if WWII was happening in this day and age that tech support would be getting calls from people in the middle of say...London. -scooby111
  • WWII tech support: Tech> What is your password? Frenchman> I give up -billybien
  • Funny thing is, during the east coast power outage, I had a rather observant starfish comment on how amazing it was that even though 1/4 the country was out of power he could still stream MSN, but 1 little farking worm could take everything down. Those 2 massive UPS's for the server room paid off. -Wolph
  • 42. Another stubborn moron.
    You know I'm getting pretty tired of these little starfish that call up to Tier1 and immediately ask for Tier2, as if they are some kind of perfect wonderg33ks who can fix any issue. I dont know about other places, but our Tier2 is nothing more than another group of drooling script monkeys. They just have different scripts. Good lord. This is the 4th time this month I've had to argue with someone demanding to be transferred right away.</slight rant>
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Hey Firebird, you work for Supersonic Poultry? -Warrick
  • I wouldnt be talking too much about Script monkeys there Firebird. Now, who has to follow callflows, the "Universal Trouble Shooter," and use opening and closing scripts? It aint us, Ill tell you that much. I already have had tons of "I wanna talk to STS" calls today, and Im sick of them too....... -psxdefector1
  • Well, PSX. Dont know where you work, but where I work Tier1 and Tier2 are script monkeys becuase that's how the higher ups want it. Tier1 has their scripts as does Tier2. Theris just pick up where ours leave off. -firebird2k2
  • This actually doesn't bother me. It's just one less moron that I have to deal with. I'm more than happy to transfer them to my manager or wherever they want to go. More than likely, they'll eventually end up back in my hands anyway. By then they're a little more humble. -scooby111
  • After all his neeping and going through myself and two supervisors above me the problem turned out to be lame. He was typing his userid instead of his full email address, even though the tech told him several times that he needed the full email address. -firebird2k2
  • "Why answer when you can transfer?" seems to be our level 1 motto here. I'm a level III tech! -billybien
  • 43. Starfish needs some Bean-O
    Well, not really, but the guy had some odd sounding static on his phone line. It was completely random and sounded exactly as if he was ripping one off. The tech and myself had to cover our mics and put him on hold several times to keep from laughing in his ear.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • sorry i had beenie weenies for lunch -SGTARKyTEK
  • Yeah- those MRE beans with barbeque sauce do cause you to rip some good ones. (Why are most MRE entrees orange? Can you use the term entree in the same context as MRE?) -LaserGuru
  • That was my cat! I swear! -scooby111
  • Once, while fighting a wildfire deep in the wilderness, we ran out of MREs. The fire was stubborn, and all other fire fighting resources were tied up with hundreds of other fires (Lightning Bust of 1987). They helo dropped us what we called "B-Rats", individual portion canned food, still in the cartons. Some was lost. All we had for 8 more days was "Beany Farking Weanies" and "Beef Spew." Never again! -CyBear
  • Maybe that was why he couldn't get his porn. either the static kept disconnecting him, or the exaust system was interfering with his mouse clicking ability. -garwain
  • perhaps they were Bean-Node broadcasts, they are usually found deep within the OSI model -DMenscha
  • 44. Yahoo is too complicated for Yay-hoos
    This is from a co-worker's audited call. The customer had just got DSL service setup and had connected, but were convinced that they werent yet online. Took them more than 5 minutes to figure out how to type their password into the homepage login. Got past that and they were completely lost browsing around the homepage portal. To the end of the call, they remained convinced that this was the only webpage available on our service and said they would call in the morning to cancel. Nothing the tech could them would convince them that they could go to anywhere else on the internet by typing a new address in. Oh well, better for us that they are going to cancel. Wont have to suffer through any more of their calls.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • There's stupid people, and then there's stupid people. This was a stupid person. -Nuvan
  • I love the customers who, if they donot open up IE to there ISP home page then they are not using our service. I had a guy scream "I AM PAYING FOR ISP NOT MSN". -Zero
  • Same deal as "you mean you can get on the internet without AOL?" -RunningWolf
  • I thought AOL _was_ the internet? -paul
  • Maybe we should ask Al Gore, I mean he invented the internet right? -Hellion
  • Do these same farking oxygen converters buy cable tv and then never change the channel? -scooby111
  • Despite the 104+ keys on their keyboard, they don't have a channel + / - button to push like on their cable TV's remote. -Mushroom
  • They have to have a Favorites folder in any version of IE. Point them to it and make them go somewhere, anywhere. Or maybe you're right, just let 'em cancel. Damn, how do these people pour the milk into the cereal bowl? -Wanamingo
  • Al Gore? So AOL really stands for Al On Line? -RunningWolf
  • 45. Fix my Compuserve
    Starfishy here cant get on his DSL. The first tech he reaches removes some extra adaptors that are in his Win98 Network panel, because they could be interfering. Standard troubleshooting, but unfortunately, it disabled his Compuserve dial software. Now he expects us to fix it and will not accept that we cant because we are not Compuserve. I even told him that if it were another ISP that was not so proprietary, I'd be happy to help him make a dialer, but with CS, I have no clue so I'm not going to even attempt it because I dont want to make the problem worse. Someday maybe it'll sink in.. then again.. who am I kidding?
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Here I thaught compuserve died... huh that thing is still around huh, that was like my fist dial up service that I tried.... yearsssssssssss ago -LowLevelFormat
  • I thought CompuServe was for brainiacs only. -Calydor
  • anyone remember prodjie(?) soo long Ago i can spell it! -neuman1812
  • My first was Prodigy... that was years before AOL and Compuserve was their only competitor. I too thought Compuserve bit the dust. -CelticSkyhawk
  • I had Prodigy way back in the dawn of time. Does anyone remember the huge lawsuit they went through because once you connected they were scanning your hard-drive? -Hellion
  • Compuserve was bought out by AOL a while back. They gutted it and it's little more than a fancy front end for that POS isp. Remember when Compuserve would charge you by the email? -CarbonTetra
  • I used to early Prodigy service, then around '96 Prodigy Internet came out and it was a totally seperate service. I did support for Prodigy Internet but not the older service which was eventually called Prodigy Classic. The Classic was turned down in '99 because it was "Not Y2K compliant" or so managment told us. The Internet service that remained is now under SBC. -techskier
  • Had Prodigy. Had Compuserve. Even surfed Genie back in the "text-only", 300 baud days. Thank you <deity> for DSL! -ecoli
  • 46. I Cant Think for Myself - I am Starfish!
    Starfish claims that he paid $3000 for his website and it generates several hundered dollars a day. Problem? Ever since he migrated to our new servers, he cant login to the legacy portal to edit the site. This site is not something he's paying us to host, it's just using our free webspace that came with his legacy account. He was being a real prick, so I very firmly told him that because he had migrated, he will have to recreate the site on our new free hosting location. When I told him that this information was in the agreement that comes up when he migrates, he completely went off. More standard neeping, blaming us because a tech walked him through the migration, blaming us for not letting him access the files because he lost his backup that was on the hard drive in a format. You know just once I'd like a luser to take credit for their own farkups.. but hey, I know that would mean the end of the world or something.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • Dammit I really need a fucking star. -firebird2k2
  • If you 'have to get' a 'fucking star' you really need to lay off the pr0n. ;-) -Calydor
  • <Old Rolling Stones song> Star fucking star fucking star fucking star fucking star</Old Rolling Stones song> -rockytech
  • This is the fucking song that never ends... -teivrann
  • He just wants to become part of Star Fuckers Inc like the rest of us... -GargoyleTS
  • What does captain Kirk have to do with this? -scooby111
  • I dunno Scoob, but nobody had better mention Klingons -K1W1
  • Star Fuckin' across the universe, On the Starship Enterprise *under* Captain Kirk. -Splunge
  • I AM STARFISH!!! Hear my neep! -redevil34
  • yeah i know what ur saying bro -higbloodpresuer
  • 47. Desperation?
    Unbelievable. If anyone wonders if AOL is really desperate and/or why their service is so damn expensive, just watch thier commercials. Just saw one for "9.0 Optimized". Cars exploding. High cost special effects. Various out of context quotes from reviews of the actual software and service. All painfully obvious desperation, at least to me.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • They also announced a 'no frills' version. What did they have before? -LaserGuru
  • uck! i saw that commercial and nearly fell over when i heard them actually state "sanitizing the internet for you." -marionette
  • Big freakin' ad right on the front of the eBay home page, too, and it's been there all of today and yesterday (it normally switches between different ads for other categories upon every refresh). -BayouTech
  • And all the little fishies swim toward the glittering lights. -scooby111
  • I just fell over I was laughing so hard. If AOL is so spiffy, why is Time-Warner dropping the name, and thinking about selling it? -TechnoVampire
  • i've never even noticed anything more about that commercial than to say "so they've gone and pulled another bill gates" -CyberBuzzard
  • the reason their dropping the name is to try and get the stocks to go up.aol is still seen by investors and analysts as a dot com and has all the stigma associated with that. they think with out aol in the name or on the stock ticker itll help. and time warner isnt selling anything they cant. aol inc owns them. that would be like taco bell trying to sell off pepsi co -GefahrMaus
  • no comment -billybien
  • 48. Wish These Were Real (Offsite Link)
    These are some GREAT shirts. Too bad they arent really for sale. Perhaps Hawk could work out a deal and sell them in the Tech Store? http://home.earthlink.net/~frixion/error629/humor/tshirts/index.htm.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Broken link. -scooby111
  • Try http://www.error629.com/ and click on t-shirts on the left. -scooby111
  • i want one, or two -burrkiss
  • Line fine, URL has bonus period at end... remove last character and page works. And to think I used to work with those folks (and Error629 was one of the sites we used internally to figure out error messages, despite the fact it hadn't been updated for 2000/XP). -Mushroom
  • Oh, Pleese, me want, me want, me want, pleese, pleese, pleese -RTFM
  • I'd buy one of those, fourth from the bottom. What IS the aux-code for "mental breakdown"??? -snowcrash
  • Oops, sorry about that extra ".". I'd definitely buy several of them. -firebird2k2
  • I was doing way too much clicking to find out how to buy. I want those shirts. Since I work for the ISP that's now toting its Accelerator (rhymes with Mirth Clink) I could agree with the @uid.O**M***.com -areatech
  • I'd get that one too, snowcrash... that was a riot :) -teivrann
  • Can't help but wonder what the censored one used to say.... -karlata
  • Man, I'd love a "Too stupid to deal with"...I'd wear on a certain customers site when doing weekend work -lineswine
  • I want the one that asks if we acquired another crappy little ISP. "Your email address ends in @what.net? please hold..." -Phssstpok
  • i want! -GefahrMaus
  • 49. Wrong Attitude to Have, I Think
    Steve Ballmer's opinion of the security community that finds and publishes info on vulnerabilities in Microsoft products: "I wish those people just would be quiet," Probably the wrong attitude to have?
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Actually, I wish they would too, until after the patch has been released for at least a week. -scooby111
  • Agreed. You don't advertise that the door to your house has a defective lock until you have a new deadbolt installed. -RiffRaff
  • There's usually a 2 week rule. A Vunerability is found and reported to the proper company and then 2 weeks later it's reported to the usual bugtraq. If people do not speak up and report these issues they would remain there until a virus hit them. Look at recent worm attacks patched when? found out about when? Case rested! -seventh
  • And then there's the DMRC, which attempts to keep people from publicizing Mack-Truck sized holes. Still surprised the RIAA chased after that kid from Princeton (for a very short time) for saying the words "hold down the shift key when inserting the disk". Really heavy tech stuff, eh? -Mushroom
  • 50. Blame yourself Mr Starfish
    Cant believe this became a supervisor call. This guy was blaming us because he left his DSL connected overnight without a firewall and when he came back to his computer, he could only get to the My Computer icon and had all kind of popups. It was the same, even after he restarted, and there's a good chance he got hacked. I basically told him that blaming his ISP for this is like blaming your doorknob manufacturer for a robbery if you left your door unlocked. As expected, the common sense was lost on Mr Starfish and he got mad and hung up.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Oi.. sometimes these Starfish can just amaze. -Warrick
  • NUKE NUKE NUKE NUKE!!!!! -virusjtg
  • Silly Tech! <wags finger> Nothings **EVER** the (l)users fault. -Digital Dogcow
  • from a women who had had adsl 2 months, but had only installed it a few days ago, and had never had an internet conection... "but I never had the virus until I was on broadband! YOU have to fix it!" -KingofDerby
  • He got mad because you showed him that it was his fault and that you weren't going to fix his fark-up for free. -scooby111
  • No-one likes being shown to be stupid....and as they ARE stupid they expect you to fix it, mainly because they don't have the smarts to accomplish the task by themselves. After all if they were dumb enough to stuff it up in the first place can we really expect them to be bright enough to rectify the problem? A resounding NO! So starfishy is in a big hole of their own making, can't find a way out (couldn't find thier butt with both hands & a map)& so resort to the only thing they can think of - call TS & neep like crazy in the vain attempt to 1) Get the system up & running & 2) Deflect any criticism of their foolish acts - you only have to hear the tech call with the guy yelling "Give me a new mouse!" to know it is his misuse of the kit in the first place that has caused the problem & he doesn't want to hear how dumb he is....his only answer to this potentially embarrassing situation? Yell, bawl & scream at maximum volume, drowning out the TS rep. The rep JUST manages to get in a few words that point out misuse/abuse aren't covered by the warranty, but naturally the Luser doesn't want to hear this, hence the passable impression of a 4 year old in a candy store after mommy has said "no". Sorry for the rant, but it is 5:14 a.m. & I can't sleep...the kicker is I'm at work in 4 hours. -lineswine
  • 51. New Level of Rude & Gross
    This was one of my call monitors for this week. Both the tech and myself had to suffer though listening to this guy chomp and smack on his dinner WHILE he was on the phone trying to get technical support. Sometimes I'd like to say that I'm surprised by this, but I'm really not, and I doubt anyone else is.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • *munch* *smack* No, I'm not surprised. I intentionally do it when a telemarketer calls. *Sluuuurp* *crunch* *snort* Of course, THEY call ME. -scooby111
  • 52. Mr Doesnt Know Mens Room Rules pt2
    You know I really didnt want to have to go here again, but it seems there is more than one offender of these rules here. In fact, there are quite a few guys here who's fathers need a serious larting for either not teaching their sons these rules, and or for even having a son at all. I guess this is somewhat of a rant, because I want to know where the FUCK people learned that it was okay to NOT wash your hands after doing your business? Come on, I may have to touch your keyboard after you palmed your wang to take a leak. Jesus tap dancing Christ I want to beat the shit out of someone I see leave the restroom without washing their hands.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • in the SEALS they teach us not to piss on our hands </office and a gentleman> <runs and hides :)> -s0nix
  • damm not having a spell checker on this site Im getting worse then the EU's - an officer and a gentleman, is what I was meaning :) -s0nix
  • Actually, it's the Air Force (the only branch of the military that is *remotely* civilized) that teaches you not to piss on your hands. SEALs just use it to wash down the bullets they eat for breakfast. </interservice rivalry> -RiffRaff
  • Riff, that mean you're former USAF? It was suggested in a study that lesser-educated individuals will wash their hands, while people with college degrees or who *think* they're brighter than the rest who won't wash. Might have something to do with the signs in the bathrooms of workplaces with lots of lesser-educated folks. "All employees MUST wash hands before returning to work." (Quoted as it appears on stickers on Burger King's mirrors in the ladies' room.) -snowcrash
  • In the Marine Corps they taught us not to piss on our hands... -Doc
  • If you wash your "wang" once in awhile, firebird, it isn't such a big deal when you touch it. I'm much more concerned with folks who pick thier noses touching stuff that I may later have to come in contact with. At least, in my case, I haven't figured out a way to get soap and water into my nose effectively... (and do you kiss your significant other after you-know-what?) -obie099
  • Soap and water up the nose? Q-tip and some anti-microbial solution. Get pierced and you figure it out pretty quick. ;) -namor
  • It's interesting that since the SARS scare in Toronto, the incidence of men washing their hands in the bathroom has jumped from 67% to 95%. For women, it went from (I think) 85% to 93%. The story ran in yesterday's paper... and I would hate to be the one who had to do that survey... -chazz
  • Q: What is the difference between Saddam Hussein & the USAF? A: Saddam can tell the difference between Iraqi & British tanks..... Friendly fire my ass! The A-10 pilots are a set of gung-ho cowboys who think it is OK to shoot ANYTHING that moves in the desert, including British Army mechanised transport. -lineswine
  • OMG you guys need to learn the 'I dont have to touch my wang to pee' technique. 1. Unzip 2. Yank down pants 3. Let wang flop onto underwear band 4. Pee 5. Adjust body so that pee goes into right direction 6. Give underwear a shake to shake wang off 7. Pull underwear up 8. walk out of restroom without washing your hands since YOU DIDNT TOUCH YOUR WANG -burrkiss
  • Actually Obie, I agree with you completely. Daily showers should be common sense and would lessen the problem. However around here, there are some people that make you wonder if they've even heard of a shower. If one can't be bothered to wash their hands after taking a leak, would you trust them to shower regularly? I certainly wouldnt. -firebird2k2
  • OMG Burkiss, there goes another mouthful of soda on the freakin monitor. You know sooner or later our employers are going to start charging us for the damage caused by this. -firebird2k2
  • Snowcrash - to quote Grandpa Simpson "I never washed my hands once. That's your policy not mine." I don't pee on my hands. What skeeves me out is people eating, rubbing thier eyes, picking thier noses and ears ect. Now taking a dump is way different (and not washing your hands). Not that I would ever drink my own pee but if you're in a ship wreck and it's the non-salt water around you can drink it. If you drink Rolling Rock the local septic tanks leak into those clean mountain springs. -RunningWolf
  • Firebird - I don't intend this as a flame but you use money don't you? There is probably a lot more stuff on a dollar bill than there is on any of your keyboards. Unless you're actively urinating on your hands this is generally no worse than shaking someone's hand. I do vehemently agree that anyone involved in food prep should wash their hands. However, they should do that no matter what they do before handling food again. Why isn't there a sign on the dumpster "Employees must wash hands after emptying trash", or "Employees must wash hands after cleaning tables", it's really all a perception thing. -Hellion
  • Hellion - I fully agree with you. You'll never look at money the same way after going to a nuddie bar once! (waste of money IMHO).... It's just a matter of hygene for the most part. If I'm only cooking for myself I'll wash my hands every 30 seconds if I am messing around with raw meat.........BURRKISS - also depends on wether you have a tiny gerhkin or a kosher pickle in your pants :) -RunningWolf
  • Hellion - Dont worry, I dont see it as a flame. I actually dont use money all that often, but not because of germs. The debit card is just much easier to deal with. Hellion & RunningWolf - I dont disagree with either of your points. I based my statements here on several reports I've seen that keyboards and other equipment, specifically in a callcenter environment are usually rather dirty. Comes back to the same point though, somewhat. It would just be nice to see people practice a little better personal hygiene (sp?) you know? -firebird2k2
  • snowcrash: Nope. But not for lack of trying or desire on my part. Sometimes having a record sucks. -RiffRaff
  • burrkiss, I think you're getting right up there with Jay911 for the volume of equipment ruined by drinks sprayed. :) Seriously, though, I agree with namor. Get pierced and you realize that it's just less hassle to get in the habit of washing your hands afterwards. After I got pierced, I had to learn a new way of taking care of business, so to speak, otherwise I would have wound up going off like a sprinkler down the front of my pants, which I would imagine would probably happen when you're SHAKING IT WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR :) -teivrann
  • I have to say, looking at the state of the mice and keyboards in our call center or aircraft hanger (its that big), There is a case for washing hands (both sexes)and the keyboards and mice. we have on our side of the building 30 pods, with 33 pc on each. I have never in the 3 years I have been here ever seen anyone apart from the tech's themselves cleaning them. I put it to you that if you are sitting at a desk for 7 hours you are going to get a little hot, and sweat a little, this is going to sour and stick the dust to the keys and make them grimy. Add to this the fact that we hot desk here and its just plain filth.(must get down from soap box now) -strider
  • Hooray for the Aussie cash! Ours comes in an easily washable plastic form :) -Splunge
  • Im with the rest of the guys. I shower every morning, and my wang stays nice and clean in my pants. I wash my hands BEFORE I piss. -Brf
  • teivrann, the "sprinkler" image you suggested has just caused a mass of rioteous laughter in my workplace. Much like "Lord of the Piercing" from http://www.tenthplanet.net/credits/dircred.htm . -Wraith556
  • Well, RiffRaff, you and I are breaking indiana law: Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March -madonnac
  • I take the electronics out and stick my keyboards in the dishwasher every couple of months. Works great :) -Hellion
  • Just another 2 cents worth after reading some of Hellions comments... Urine isn't the issue. It is generally considered to be sterile (lots of ammonia)it's the other "crud" that, if left to collect in that region, that tends to be scary. (and is easily cured by soap and a light scrubbing on a frequent, regular basis) -obie099
  • teivrann: PA, guiche, or frenum? I'm guessing PA based on your description.... -notpitr
  • !pitr - guessing the same thing. What else would cause 'sprinkling' - amphalang, perhaps, but not frenum of guiche, really, methinks. We'll see. -namor
  • 53. Classic!!
    According to an AP report, Tuesday in Congress, Senator Dick Durban asked RIAA President Cary Sherman "Are you headed to junior high school to round up the usual suspects?". That is freaking clasic. You can read more about the report here: http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/32740.html
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Is the lousy CD sales due to high prices, sucky music, or the sucky economy? Artist = 3 cents, plastic case & insert = 15 cents, shipping costs 5 cents, overrhead for record store = 1 dollar.... record company execs get the other $12.... wish I could shit on my ass and have money roll in from other people's work like that! -RunningWolf
  • When will they come after people who tape things directly from the radio? My stereo had dual cassettes, how do they know I'm not making copies of stuff I taped off the air? -Tekkie
  • they don't give a shit about realtime recordings. It's the ability to share music spontaneously that worries the music industry. Digital music offers high portability compared to analog systems (or even compared to MD recorders). Audio cassette copying used to be popular but it is eclipsed now by the ease with which you can copy a digital music file. They shouldn't target downloaders, as it is the host who is "broadcasting" the song. Personally I think music should always belong to the artist, and third parties could only ever be licenced as distributors. All Royalties apart from production and distribution costs and reasonable profit margin should go to artists. Recording companies need to pull their collective heads in and realise that they are not ultimately responsible for the artists success. It is the artists musical style and the fan's pocketbooks that contribute to the success of an artist, the recording companies only a conduit to bring the two together. Buyers should get cheaper music, artists should get better royalties, and the Recording industry should learn to be more competitive and efficient. -wedge
  • I have no problem with people making money from music, but it's gotten ridiculous (somebody paid for Michael Jackson's lifestyle). -LaserGuru
  • Does the point that the artist ( & companies who represent them ) still get paid for something they may have done 30 years ago. Some one is still making money off of Elvis Presley & he's been dead over 25 years! I wish I could charge everyone whos computer I'd fixed everytime they switched it on... -lineswine
  • And there is legislation to extend the copyright laws another 20 years. I'd go for it if they grandfather it by extending the copyright forwards AND back! <BEFG> -LaserGuru
  • The high prices are probably to support the recording execs' cocaine habit. -Wraith556
  • Until I can buy a digital song at 256 kps for under a dollar with no copy protection I'll continue to NOT buy any CD's. -Nullifidian
  • 54. Only Obvious if You're Not a Starfish
    Luser has called 3 times because his browsing on DSL is as slow as it was on his AOL dial up. Windows 98, 350MHz Celeron, 64MB RAM, 13 icons in System Tray, 57% System Resources free @ startup. On top of that, he's using all our excess software and has even been escalated to maintenance. Anyone else know the cause of the problem? LoL.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Sound's like (one of) my boss(es). "I said, the DSL modem is a lemon! Now, are you goona call the ISP, or am I?" -MadJack
  • I can't pull this freight train with my Dodge Omni. Fixitfixitfixit!!! *throws temper tantrum* -teivrann
  • haha I had a Dodge Omni... one day the reverse would not work so I had to push it backwards. -rockytech
  • LOL! That's almost the exact metaphor I use , only diff is that I say volkswagon :) -Spyder19
  • <rant>Damn, why do all these isps package all this useless software with broadband. All it does is slow up a computer. Hell a more recent computer would almost collapse under the weight of it all. Not to mention the conflicts (This message brought to you after spending hours trying to figure out why Citrix would not work on a co-irkers computer, only to find out that SBC install a farking parental control system on it -- which then took about 2 minutes to compromise :) </rant> -nm
  • When the cable installer was here to hook up my cable modem I commented to him "I don't see a CD in your kit". He (a contractor) said that he installed it on the first install he did. It totally wasted the system and he had to have it re-imaged. Since then he says he refuses to install the software on ANY system, irregardless of any Comcast threats. Him and I got along great hehe -Grembo
  • Had a guy escalated to me for slow speeds the other day. Getting about 300 Kbps down in our speed test. Do a DSLAM port check, showing 1.5 Mbps. After turning off AOL, getting full speed. Moral of the story? Dont escalate me crap! :) Besides, dont you people have the ability to use MSConfig? I do it all the time........ -psxdefector1
  • rocky i think i had the same car lol...omni o24 the sporty looking one ..thought i would be fun to do neutral drops. the only way it would burn rubber, rev in neutral and drop it into drive. after about a week of that all it would do was drive...no reverse. ah to be a teenager in 1989 again. -SGTARKyTEK
  • 55. Makes you wonder, doesnt it?
    There's an urban legend that says that domesticated turkeys are so dumb they'll look up into falling rain until they drown. It's false. Turkeys are smarter than that. Wonder how your average everyday luser starfish would fare in the same situation?
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • they would look up and say whats this? -postal tech
  • Or call their ISP and complain that they're getting wet... -hkypipe
  • This would presume that starfish look up to something... [As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!] -LaserGuru
  • ROFL... LG, that is the funniest line ever uttered on a TV sitcom... hehehehehehehe -RiffRaff
  • Les Nesman makes my end (l)users look like Steven Hawking without the chair and voice thing..... hmmmm mute end (l)users, life couldn't get that sweet. -RunningWolf
  • Our local radio station is throwing 400 turkeys (cardboard ones) off the roof of their building to kick off the thanksgiving holidays. I almost shit myself when the advertising agent came in to explain it to me... All I could think of was Les Nesman. -DataSolutions
  • That was one of the funniest moments ever created for a sitcom. nd all told from the viewwpoint of Johnny Fever and Les Nessman. For years, it would go on every Thanksgiving and you'd still laugh at it. -technaround
  • Saturday night a buddy was telling me a story concerning the migratory instincts of penguins. I swear for a good 30 seconds I was totally confused until I remembered they could swim =D -Hellion
  • When that series was on I was a Radio/TV major. When that episode aired I just about burst a gut as did all the other Radio/TV majors watching it with me. (long time ago when few college students had TVs and no PCs so TV viewing was often a community event). That bit was a take off of the Hindenberg Air Ship disaster which we had all heard in our studies. -Wolffarmer
  • Turkeys are, however, dumb enough to all pile on top of each other and smother when the door to the shed that they always use blows shut in a storm (while the other door remains open). Many of the starfish I talk to are, indeed, that stupid. -pixel
  • int Garfield() { printf("<jon> Hey, what's this wet thingy thing ? </jon> "); return(Get_A_Life_Jon); } (this would look nicer with a star ;) -wastedtime
  • In sum: Bill Cosby's "The Neanderthal Man." -MadJack
  • 56. The Glorious Circus of the Inept
    I find it hilarious that the RIAA is impetuously trumpeting their paltry 261 lawsuits against file swappers. These people are seriously a lower class of lusers if really believe that anyone besides themselves sees this as gigantic joke. With 60 million plus file swappers all over this world, they are quite completely wasting their time. Many negative points aslo deservedly go to America's various sell out newsmedia companies as they bow down to their pigopolist owners and flout this ridiculous little factoid all over the net and our airwaves. Hurrah to the RIAA for suing little Johnny instead of the people at your local farmers market who are selling bootlegs by the thousands and raking in cash by the fistfull. Oh and the lowering of CD prices by Universal Music? I bet there's no one here who will disagree that this price cut is at least 10 years late.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Or that the cut is too small. It costs them less than a cup of coffee to produce a CD. -Snakeeye
  • And what is with that fargin' tape shit that they stick across the top (and sometimes bottom) edge of CD's. What possible purpose can that serve? Someone selling fake disks can't duplicate that? I am considering turning to pirating just to avoid having to deal with that obnoxious tape. And DVD's usually have some on each edge of the case... ARRRRGGHH!! -DarthDOS
  • It is my own humble opinion that musicians could offer recordings of their music for free on the Internet, and still get filthy rich just from live tours. I'm sorry, but when I see the kind of lifestyle Michael Jackson lives, I wouldn't feel the slightest bit of guilt if I wanted to download some of his music from P2P. -RiffRaff
  • Um....their paltry number of lawsuits are for a reason. It would be rediculous to go after every child who shares music, so, supposedly, they are only going after those who had 1000 or more titles up for download. -Brf
  • There's something else the RIAA haven't considered in their declining CD audio sales. The rise of DVDs and Computer/Video games. The rise in sales of DVDs alone more than offsets the decline in CD sales. DVDs are selling more than VHS tape ever did. Why? 3 DVD cases will fit in the space taken by 1 VHS case. And there's the supplementary material and viewing options that are also included. PC and Video games have been outgrossing the cinema box-office takings for years. Micro$oft's X-Box was an attempt to grab (by M$'s reckoning) 50% of the games market. If M$ are involved, it has to be big. Hello RIAA! For every dollar I spent on audio CDs, I spend five on DVDs and ten on PC games. Why? Better value for money on the DVDs and PC games. </rant> -Wraith556
  • Let's see... I have spent a few bucks in the last few months enhancing my TD collection. I probably bought 60 CD's. I bought all of them through half.com or e-bay. Does the RIAA track sales on these? I might have bought some at the local music shop, but they don't carry anything that's not a big seller, and a lot of TD stuff is out of print. Hello... if you let it go OOP, it won't sell! (not as new anyway) -LaserGuru
  • Next- While a lot of my collection was at good prices ($6-$8), I had to pay shipping. And some of it wasn't cheap ($45 for a pirate of The Keep because they only made 500 copies?). And the RIAA is talking about charging royalties on used CD's. -LaserGuru
  • And- At home, I don't actually listed to CD's anymore. I rip the CD to the hard drive on my music server and play it to my stereo. I convert the tracks to MP3 and burn them to CD for use in the car (5/6 hours of music on one CD). I may be an early adopter here, but more people are using music this way. I tried downloading music and quickly stopped. Why? Because it sucks! Most lamers out there have no idea how to rip music. The quality is absolutly poor. -LaserGuru
  • Actually Brf, I believe there's more to it than that. See they had issued more than 1000. However, these were judged to be blanket subpoenas that were not issued from each defendant's jurisdiction. Before round one was ruled illegal, they were touting their willingness to file a suit against anyone sharing even one file, and treating that as if that person was sharing it 10 times or more making it a major felony. So round 2 brings a paltry number of legal subpoenas because they decided out of the 'kindness of their hearts' to only persue those offering so many downloads. Realistically, what happened is they realized that their original strategy would cost them too much money so they decided to be slightly benevolent to save money. -firebird2k2
  • And now they have this so-called amnesty. If the RIAA really wanted to stop the flow of music, I can think of three technological ways to do it (without blowing up someone's comp). -LaserGuru
  • Well, they may be right about the drop in CD sales.. I for one refuse to buy anything that's a RIAA label. and I'm quite pissed that they are making commissions off of the sale of blank media, which I'm using to produce CDs of my own bands. Music I spent hours recording, mixing and burning, and since the band is a no-name group, none of of are making a cent off it. (actually, we have even lost hope in recovering the cost of our mixer and mikes), yet the RIAA is sucking in a portion of what we spend on blank CDs! What I'd like to know is WHAT EXACTALLY DOES RIAA DO that the record companys could not do without them? -garwain
  • The RIAA only get royalties if you buy the MUSIC CD-R. Those are dumb though because they ONLY work for music, anyone in the know will buy the a CD-R data disc and use that for music, with no penalty paid to the RIAA. -RePo
  • In Canada, there is a tax on all blank media, tapes as well as CDs, that supposedly is paid to the record companies to offset the costs of copying. Thing I don't understand is, if we're being taxed for doing it, how can it be illegal? -chazz
  • Has anyone seen this? http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/32731.html. Well done Riaa -RTFM
  • This might work better http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/32731.html -Tekkie
  • 57. Sweet Justice Update
    Looks like this one will be a continuing saga for awhile. If you havent read the rest, here's the link: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=19052. He's called four times since the last repair ticket was closed and been a complete a-hole to each rep. His service was actually completly deactivated. He's since had it re-ordered, but it hasnt been turned back on yet. For some reason he thinks that the orders department will actually be open on the weekend. He's spoken to 2 supervisors and been hung up on twice (once by a tech) since talking to me. This guy doesnt get it and he doesnt give up. He's really gonna hear it if I have to talk to him again.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Smack him with a bag of sweet valencia oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll him know who's boss, nooo doubt about it -Bunglehawk069
  • Do they have to be Valencia? All I have is a can of mandarin orange slices. -Bioguy
  • Frozen orange concentrate -Wolffarmer
  • A sock full of pool balls? </"scum" movie reference> -lineswine
  • "Suppose he's got a pointed stick?" -LaserGuru
  • pillow case full off door knobs, but you have to supply the knobs! </Homer mode> -RunningWolf
  • For Gods sake LG, use your tiger to defend yourself! -TechOgre
  • 58. Sweet Justice pt3
    I check back on the case today. When I spoke to him the first time he had threatened to call the president of the ISP about me and our unprofessionalism. Of course this threat was empty to me because if he actually had that number, he would NEVER call First Tier Support. He actually called a regional manager for the maintenance group. The best I can tell, they opened a ticket and found no trouble on the line remotely. When they called him to schedule a dispatch, there was no answer so they closed the ticket out. Usually this is done after 24hrs, not right away. However, as near as I can tell, closing the ticket immediately was authorized by the regional manager that he called to complain to. That is what I call sweet justice.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Hell yeah!!! O btw thanks for posting "backwards" -burrkiss
  • You're recording this call? What a coincidence, sir. So am I. And your account has just been terminated pending an investigation into abuse of company personnel. Have a nice day. <click> -RiffRaff
  • Ha! That'd be nice Riff. However though it seems we work for the same company, I dont have the power you have :P -firebird2k2
  • I work for a local ISP with about a dozen employees, firebird. Trust me, we don't work for the same company. :~} -RiffRaff
  • Damn. I had assumed from your previous postings that it was a certain baby Bell. Ah well! -firebird2k2
  • Yeah, but I have the authori-tah to pull accounts. And a simple send action to Policy will take care of just about anything. -psxdefector1
  • I can do ya one better. Not only can I pull accounts, I can change the charges on your account. -scooby111
  • I can rub my tummy and pat my head at the same time. Does that count? -FistLaw
  • 59. Sweet Justice pt2
    The guy calls back right away and immediately asks for a supervisor. I get on the phone and he refuses to talk to me. He wants to speak to a manager. So after I take the time to explain to him (though he really didnt want to listen) that the manager was not technical and would put me back on the phone for technical questions or would simply ask me. The manager takes over and backs my answers the whole way. Ends up putting the guy back on the phone with the 2nd technician to troubleshoot. The tech created a maintenance ticket, as the 1st tech would have. So much wasted time. Oh well..
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    60. Sweet Justice pt1
    Guy calls in with no DSL signal. The tech troubleshoots, then tells him we have to send it to repair and it will take 24-48hrs to repair. Guy goes off, typical crap. Losing money, wants it repaired in 24hrs or less. Got on the phone and tell him that's how it is. Goes into all the standard stuff about losing thousands of dollars an hour, blah blah. I explain to him that since DSL doesnt have guaranteed uptime and he would benefit from this, he should check into one of our other services, such as T1. He somehow interprets this as me asking him to take his business elsewhere. Then he starts talking about recording the call. I tell him to turn off the recorder or I'll disconnect the call. The next bright thing he does is call me an idiot. At that point I end the call by telling him "Sir I have listened to you raise your voice and not said anything but I will not tolerate you insulting me. This call is over." *click*.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Bravo! If only more techs were allowed to do that... -scooby111
  • btw, note that recording calls is illegal in most states, if not by federal law, fcc regs, and so on... and you already have his name and such, so go for it! -mulder416
  • Ah I love Alabama. Not only is it legal to tape calls, but only one party must be aware of this. I can call you, tape you without your knowledge, and use it in court or post it on the net. -Phssstpok
  • 61. I hate being LIED to....
    <rant> I, like many, are suffering from the Road Runner clusterfuck causing inability to access MSN Messenger and other Microsoft sites. RR claims it's a DNS issue. No problem, I hardcode a specific set of non-RR DNS numbers. Oh look at that, still doesnt work. Change the setting back and try to go to those sites by IP address. Nope! Denied! Soo.. a quick search of DSL Reports shows that it's not a DNS issue afterall, but appears to be an RR router issue. Specifically, all signs are pointing to an ACL on a specific RR router. I call up Road Runner tech support to see if I can get the truth from them. HA! Not fucking likely. The script monkey that I reach tells me that he cant ping any MS sites from home or work. They all say "request timed out". I decide to apply the verbal clue bat by telling him that that's correct. In fact, they've been denying ICMP traffic since before Slammer last January. He has no further explaination so I ask for a supervisor. Of course it's no surprise to me when he doesnt know anything more. I ask for 2nd Tier Support, thinking maybe I can talk to someone who may possibly have the abillity to talk to the NOC. This chump tells me that they dont have a Tier2 to transfer me to. By this point, I'm seconds away from losing my cool, so I decide to let it slide for now. However, they WILL hear from me tommorrow as I DESPISE being lied to. If something is broken, just grow a fucking pair and tell me the problem. I'll be happy, I'll know it'll be fixed and I will leave you alone. I guess that's just too fucking much to ask.</rant> Apologies to anyone who works in RR support as I know that not everyone is as dense as the two rockheads I spoke to. If anyone out there in RR TS land has some more information they'd like to pass along, specifically the truth, it would be much appreciated.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • As if that wasnt bad enough. Now the little fuckwit wont stop pinging my IP address. -firebird2k2
  • ahhhhhhh this would be the reason for the recent sh!tty service on MSN? -Bunglehawk069
  • firebird2k2 > just out of the blue which ISP is it u work for ? *trying to see if this is only a problem with the ISP I work for, if u get me :) -s0nix
  • Not RR. Based in TX. Big phone company. -firebird2k2
  • hmm, our shop is on rr, and we've been paying hell today trying to get ANY machine to get winblows updates, I think I see a pattern forming.... -Spyder19
  • I'm on Charter Pipeline... no real MSN problems (but my cable TV will go out for 5 seconds every couple hours... meanwhile the pr0n still downloads at a strong 200KB/s -catman1229
  • RR has no Tier2?? That's news to me.. I used to deal with them on a nearly daily basis and regularly had conversations with level 2, 3, 4, and 5 techs.. but then we also were considered higher level than anyone not directly involved with the network, so I may have been working with the invisible tech gnomes that never talk to customers directly. -BStorm
  • sound like they scrapped their upper tiers and left the frontliners.. hehehe -kennz
  • At my callcenter we can't transfer to "tier 2." All we can do is send an e-mail and hope they callback in 1-4 hours, if the Mail program doesn't die out like it loves to do. Oh, they aren't really tier 2 techs either, no additional pay, no title change, just the ability to call people back. -STJ
  • There is a tier 2, you were probably speaking with it. The issue was between ATDN and microsoft, it was a policy issue. It wasn't a RR issue at all (RR is one of the few ISPs that uses the ATDN) -Coyotebd
  • I'm pretty sure road runner has a teir 2 tech support. I once called in from college(when I used them) right after a new install of 98SE, and was unable to browse anywhere on the net. I diagnosed I could ping and browse by IP addr, but not by say www.yahoo.com so I told them I thought there was a DNS server issue. we did all trouble shooting and teir 1 was convinced it was a DNS server issue also. So they passed me up to teir 2, and they fixed the issue - sadly I turned out to be wrong, it was a windows issue. Apparently somewhere in the registry in 98SE there is a known issue where hostname resolution doesn't get passed along correctly. We delete 2 keys and off I go. At least I don't feel like a fool - I had their techs convinced I was right... -jp10558
  • 62. Oh what fun it is..
    Today has been great fun so far. Tons of supervisor calls because no one seems to care or understand that yesterday was a holday, which causes delays in tech dispatches, hold times, equipment shipping, and just about every damn thing else.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Holiday - What Holiday ? - Daft Question, why is it called Labour Day, when you take the time off, and do no Labouring ? -Wonko The Sane
  • Tech Support Dictionary: Labor Day (n) Holiday in America that means you will work twice as hard because everyone with a computer and your phone number has the day off. See also BENT OVER WITHOUT COMMON COURTESY OF REACH AROUND. -Bobsentme
  • Officially, Labor Day (US) is "A day of rest for the working man." So why the hell do all the CEO's and politicians get the day off as well? -RiffRaff
  • My mom was in labor with me on labor day. -Ant
  • Monday was the first Labor Day I'd been unemployed in years. Of course, Moms still work on holidays. -snowcrash
  • Why is it called Labor day when you take time off? Why is it called Tourist Season if you can't hunt them? -Disallowed
  • 63. OMG It's a sin! FTS cant send email!
    This guy was a real winner. He said he was hard of hearing and couldnt understand the tech. His issue? Standard cannot connect. The tech powercycled the modem and he was online. Done, right? Oh so wrong! He's pissed because we cant email him the information on how we resolved the issue. I tried to explain over and over that he called telephone based support and we simply arent provided the ability to email customers. Never gave me a chance to tell him about our email based support. He proceeds to tell me that we arent providing good customer service because we cant email him. Asked him to explain how he can justify calling it bad service if we resolved his issue in less than 5 minutes. He hung up at that point. I looked in his case notes later and he'd sent a message to our email support. Of course, in typical luser fashion he misquoted what I said. Good thing I write a novel when I document cases. I really am getting sick of these people and their unreasonable expectations. (Yes, I really need a star. It's coming soon, October is a 3 paycheck month).
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Oh yeah forgot to mention. This guy had the balls to mention in his email that FTS not having the ability to send him an email was probably against some kind of ADA (Americans with Disabilities) regulations. -firebird2k2
  • The resonable Americans with disablities should lart this guy. -Wolffarmer
  • Lack of oxygen is a disability now? Boy, are they ever getting specific -teivrann
  • Weird, wondering if it was the same guy I spoke to a few months ago. Same story. He started screaming at me how we don't even beleive in our product that we don't email anyone, and we are lying sacks of crap...etc.etc. Im really not sure exactly waht he wanted, but after the obscenities and rudeness, I woudn't email him out of principle. -HissyFish
  • 64. Not our fault, isnt possible.
    Customer calls up bitching and complaining, cutting hte tech off and generally being a rude bitch. There's also a maintenance tech on the line with us. It's a Win98 issue, not an ISP issue so I'd been giving the tech the info she needs to give to the customer because the tech doesnt have an OEM background. After about an hour I get on the phone to try and explain the same thing to her. Her issue.. she doesnt want the network login prompt on startup. Doesnt matter that she can just click cancel to go past it. To her, our tech caused it when he installed her DSL and it means he locked her out of her computer.. blah blah blah. Over and over I try to explain to her that because there is now a NIC in her machine, and Client for Microsoft Networks is enabled, it will do that. All she has to do is press cancel. It doesnt mean that you've been locked out of your machine. Of course she still wants to know how to remove it. I explained to her that there are ways to do it but they involve editing the Windows registry which are not supported by the ISP. We've all heard a tech give or have given a customer that spiel before, I'm sure. End result.. after 30 minutes with me I put the tech back on to reinstall part of our ISP software. I find out that about an hour later, she asked for me again. Thankfully I was on lunch and a buddy of mine took the call. She kept asking for me over and over as if he wasnt good enough to fix her problem. I did a little research when I got back. She's had service with our ISP for exactly 30 days. Has called in 8 times. Spoke to 6 supervisors and been hung up on 4 times for abusive behavior. I really wish there was a point when we could call her too expensive, cut our loses and her service and tell her to go fuck herself.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • W98/ME - Microsoft Family logon or Windows login will get rid of the prompt, won't it? -namor
  • you can also leave the password field blank and click ok and it'll never bother you again (unless the starfish selects logoff <username> instead of shutdown). Note: the preceeding hint only works if the Eu hasn't tried to put in a password previously. -Mephiston
  • even so if you delete the PWL files it will revert back to the logon option from when it is first installed ie "as this is your first logon please repeat the password to confirm", though i think if she was smoten we wouldn't have this problem with her again -cerberus
  • We had a lot of customer who called HP about that when I worked there. I always tell them how to set the password to nothing. -samurai
  • Also, if you se the Default logon back to Windows logon in the network settings it will stop asking for passwords. You should be able to do this even with a NIC installed. -Dj
  • All those steps will remove the prompt. However I wasnt about to tell her these things because she was being a rude uncooperative bitch. Had she been polite about the situation instead of insulting and loud, I would have gone out of my way. -firebird2k2
  • time for some investigation on this (l)user, if your company doesn't have a clause aobut being rude to customer support, see if she's doing ANYTHING even SLIGHTLY unlawful online, i.e.:downloadning copywrited material, sending threaghtening e-mails to anyone (if she emials tech, it qualifies) and turn her ass in. if not, time to sign her email address up to a kiddie porn site, then call the police. -wolfprince
  • Actually, my home computer has that logon prompt (Default with blank password) ever since I got Broadband. I imagine I could fix it by putting in the autologinadmin reg key, but the extra <Enter> never bothered me. -Brf
  • 65. Lusers Arent the Only Stupid Ones pt1
    Preface: The ISP we take calls for sent out an email to some customers about Blaster.D/Welchia and telling them to patch up or get their service disabled. I guess their NOC monitored these people's ICMP traffic or something. This, I think was a great idea...... (to be continued)
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    66. Lusers Arent the Only Stupid Ones pt2
    Ok, here's the fun part. Tonight, our ISP contact tells us we have to read this entire email to every customer on every call. Doesnt matter that it's an entire page long. Doesnt matter that Blaster only applies to WinNT,2K&XP. They want us to read this even if the customer has Win98 or Macintosh. Many people were pissed. A couple threatened to quit on the spot. Several refused to take calls. Finally we managed to get ahold of an Ops level manager who got the whole thing killed for us. The voice of reason prevailed, at least.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Which only goes to prove what I've said all along, Admin farkers & EU's are both drawn fron the detritus at the bottom of the gene pool. -Digital Dogcow
  • I've got another example of this exact thing.. last night at about 4am (I work 3pm-12am and am up till 5am) my digital cable goes nuts, stops working. I call cable repair and they have a 5 minute recording on how to fix a COMPUTER infected with Blaster. Mind you, this wasn't cable modem support (which works just fine at the time), it's CABLE TV support. 5 minutes of wasted time I'll never get back. -BStorm
  • 67. The Yelling Farkwit
    EU: Blah blah blah I have been paying for DSL service for six months and still dont have it setup yet. ME: I'll need to get your DSL phone number to access your account. EU: *rifles off some number* ME: Sir, I cant find an account by that number. EU: Well, that's the number its' on with QWest how come you cant find it? ME: Sir if you are a QWest customer you'll have to call them. EU: It's your line, you're billing me, find it. ME: I cant do that sir, you are not a MyISP customer. You'll have to call QWest. EU: No. ME: Yes. EU: *rant yell scream* ME: Please remain professional sir or I'll release this call. EU: Give me your supervisor. ME: A supervisor cannot speak with you unless we can access your account. You arent our customer. I cant find an account. You dont get a supervisor. Call QWest and ask for their supervisor. EU: FUCK! *click*
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Yeah, nothing like taking shit from some B1FF who can't even remember who he's paying for internet service. ^_^ -snowcrash
  • "Hello? BBC?, yes I'd like to complain about the Miss World Contest!....Well put me through to ITV then !!!!" </Ritchie> -Digital Dogcow
  • We do ISP's for several cable internet ISPs, and I get the odd call. EU: I signed up for Shockware and I need you to install a phone line. ME: call your local phone provider EU: and they are........... -Bunglehawk069
  • 68. Cant remember actually caring.
    Had a customer complaining today that we were not offering good customer service because our ISP blocked ports to prevent Blaster infections. He felt that we should send out an email or call all our customers to inform them of this. Sorry pal, 2 things to say to that. One: read your TOS. We can change what we want when we want and we dont have to tell you shit. Two: Your VPN doesnt matter to us. Our service is browsing, email and downloads.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Huh. Can't win for losing. We keep getting customers saying <whine> "Why didn't you do anything to stop this at your end?" </whine> Fucking assholes every single one of them. -RiffRaff
  • Wouldn't blocking their connection provide complete protection? [hey- that rhymes!] -LaserGuru
  • We had a bunch of people complaining when we blocked ports at the border... apparently some were silly enough to be using Outlook/Exchange unprotected over the internet. Luverly. -namor
  • Blocking ports to stop a virus is like popping a pimple with a sledgehammer. I can kind of understand it for the large ISP's that just don't want the traffic, but if admins would just DO THEIR FARKING JOBS, they wouldn't need to do these sort of things. He has a valid reason to complain, but should be a little more understanding. -scooby111
  • Large-ish ISP here. It made sense to halt the propagation within our network. Those people actually complaining have never heard of PPtP, which they should be using, anyway, have that? -namor
  • 69. Wonderful.. sick again.
    Sick again, no sick time left. Doc tells me it's allergy induced bronchitis. The cause? Poor air quality. I know it ain't my apartment, so it must be the building where I work that's dirty.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • There were days I would have loved to throw my (ok, my team lead's) tower out the window so we could have fresh air. Get better soon! -snowcrash
  • Can't you get Workmen's Comp for work induced illness? Hope you feel better soon. -Tekkie
  • Could.. but I'd have to prove that it was work induced. Of course.. the fact a good 40+ % of people in the office are coughing, sneezing, and or blowing their noses. -firebird2k2
  • .... (forgot part of that.. here it is) might be an indication? -firebird2k2
  • The EPA will come and test the air for free. -Alistir
  • Good luck. We're still dealing with public schools, shoddy construction and toxic mold. -LaserGuru
  • 70. Here comes the fun!
    Oh I can see it now. More supervisor calls are coming. The ISP we work for has decided to certain ports that the virus communicates across. Of course, this is causing some people's VPNs to stop working. Cue the angry "IT Professionals" using a residential account for "business purposes". Good thing I like taking these kind of calls.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • We blocked 135-139, 4444, 445, and some others at the outside routers. No PPtP, but it breaks pure Exchange communication outside our network, apparently. What did they do to mess with VPN? -namor
  • I work for an email provider/Exchange outsourcer. Life has been hell the past few days. People have a hard time grasping that it's their ISP keeping them from getting to our ISA server, not us. -Nonamys
  • Blocking ports on the firewall. It's like using a NUKE to kill a flea. Whatever. -scooby111
  • VPN is 1735, and 2 more ports...can't remember, shit! just did that 3 weeks ago too :( -Spyder19
  • 71. Has it started again?
    Seems there are at least two new variants on the MSBlast virus. The Inquirer.net is showing one's filename is 'teekids.exe' and Symantec is showing the second's file name is 'penis32.exe'. Wonder if our illustrious employers are going to have us walking customers through finding that file? Ha!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Tech: "Can you try to find PENIS32.EXE?" Starfish: "No, I ordered away for that in the email I got last week, but I haven't received that in the mail yet ..." Tech: *phaser blast to the head* -teivrann
  • 72. It worked before so it must be you.
    We've all had plenty of customers who refuse to listen to what you are saying, no matter how logical it may be. This was slightly worse. The guy was deaf. He'd get on the phone and say his piece, then hand the phone to his wife who would listen to my reply. Then she'd try to translate it correctly to him in Luser speak. Failures abound at this point. Customer has been calling for a year, since our forced migration/business partnership with a large web portal. His issue.. he gets '678' errors on his dial up service. All this time he's refused to call his OEM to reinstall the modem drivers. They wont answer my questions about the phone cable or anything. Finally got fed up and told them that since their intent was to do nothing more than argue with me and not listen to the very reasonable information I'm giving them, then our business on this call was concluded. Cue release button.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • "Bravo , BRAVO !! </clapping>" -LowLevelFormat
  • I've had to deal with some ugly relay calls before but that one is really bad. -Xiphiplastron
  • Why the hell do these prople call tech support and not let them fix the problem. Do you think they call a plumber over to their house then yell at him? -scooby111
  • Scooby, yes, they most likely do. -Yoda47
  • I doubt it. Plumbers would walk out on them and still charge them full rates, and the morons know it. -TechnoVampire
  • Scooby, every day I have at least one person who'd rather be upset and/or have equipment down than listen to me calmly explain how to resolve the issue over the phone. After all this time you'd think I learn not to bother . . . -Wanamingo
  • we have people like that every day who call tech support then dont want to listen to what we say. I'm interested in the psychology behind it. there's got to be some psychological reason why people call us, or go to the doctors... then dont do what we say, or dont take their meds, etc. My grandma's that way. Goes to the doctor and expects him to NOT say "you need to take your insulin" or something. -battybeyond
  • 73. Gotta love Windows Update
    Customer uses WinXP & has auto-updating enabled. For some reason when he installed SP1, it installed 'Advanced Networking Support for WinXP'. Pop quiz.. check Microsoft's site and see if that might cause him to not be able to browse.. because I'm thinking the answer is 100% yes. Lemme know what ya think.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • There was an update shipped out a while ago that was shipped broken, and would keep you from browsing and prevent you from fetching down the new, fixed update... lovely little Catch-22, there Bill. -chazz
  • sp1 will also not allow a new dialer to be created. -Zaxtan
  • I've had about ten customers that said they updates windows (specifically ME) and the computer would not boot afterwards... just a thought -crackshot
  • I blew up my 98 SE rig with a Windows Update once. Most stable PC I knew until that. Bleh. -Wanamingo
  • heh, check the bottom of almost every M$KB page for the statement "this behaviour is by design"..... -Spyder19
  • 74. You know you're in for a long call when
    ... the son of the starfish is just as stupid. It's a shame to. Usually the kid is smarter than the parents. Either stupidity is something that gets progressively worse with age, or it skips a generation. Not so with these two.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Intellegence has a lot to do with environmental factors as well as genetics. I'm no slouch, but my dad is WAY smarter than I am. (Mensa, Huge IQ, etc.) They guy can solve complex calculus equations in his head. -scooby111
  • 75. Hahahaha too funny.
    The new site by the MPAA to combat movie downloads and piracy was already down most of the day, or so swamped that it wouldnt load. Just for those that havent seen the Slashdot article, here's the URL: 'http://www.respectcopyrights.org/'
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • 504 Gateway timeout. LMAO -Snakeeye
  • LOL Page cannot be displayed. -Quarashi
  • "You're cheating yourself." That was funny.... -ClueBat
  • Hmmm? respect copyright huh?. Ok fair enough. I'll respect copyright when Michael Eisner respects that reasonable limits to IP are an inherant cornerstone of the entire concept of copyright. http://writ.news.findlaw.com/commentary/20020305_sprigman.html I'll damned well respect copyright when Hillary Rosen respects that DRM infringes on my LEGITIMATE fair use rights to backup & to time-shift entertainment media I have already LEGALLY PURCHASED. I will respect copyright when the entire record industry aknowledges that it sold me the concept of Compact Disk based on the twin LIES that production cost would be far lower than for vynil & therefore PRICES would be lowered., and that CD was a robust - virtually indestructable medium. I will respect copyright when the recording industry finally gets of its fat lazy complacent ass and finally recognises that in the age of low cost broadband, post Napster, the cunsumer is aware of a business & distribution model that exists which enables the PURCHASE of its product at a FAIR & REASONABLE price & profit margin that does not RIP OFF consumer & artist alike!, & is no longer prepared to pay 18 for a product that takes 18p to produce. Hows that?. </soap box> -Digital Dogcow
  • OMG, the site isn't optimized for 1024*768? o.O On a different note, we have a company like the RIAA here in my country. Their site had the most hilarious line at one time. Freely translated it read something like "Every day a software pirate receives a massive fine. Help!" ... Okay, let's start a fundraiser for the pirates, shall we? -Calydor
  • "The page cannot be displayed." Hehehehehehe -PaseoGuy
  • Yeah. What Dogcow said. <g> -RiffRaff
  • *Nods* I'm just guessing here, but I think DD's had this conversation before. -scooby111
  • I was all set to respect copyrights, but I still cant access the page. Ahh well... ***Downloads LXG*** -Snakeeye
  • I copied the logo, was that bad? -burrkiss
  • They've used a ".org" TLD There were meant for non-profit organisations...cheeky bastards! -lineswine
  • So, I go to the USA on my holidays, purchase a LEGITMATE DVD of a film I like, take it home and....it don't work. Hollywood greed strikes again! Copyright be bollocksed, this is a rip-off! (OK, OK, so I know how to make my PC & standalone players "region-free", but that is not the point - I shouldn't have to do this in the first place, so fuck 'em all) -lineswine
  • 76. Gave up too easily.
    I am popular around my workplace for being the person to go to for really nasty supervisor calls. Yet lately, customers are giving up too easily. This really is taking the fun out of sup calls for me. Exampe: Customer refuses to let the tech change the password, he just wants us to fix the problem. I get on the phone and let him explain his issue. He uses a racial slur against one of the agents he talked to previously. I warn him that if he does it again, I'll disconnect. So he just hangs up in frustration. What a disappointment to myself and the group of techs that were crowded around the manager's phone listening to the call, hoping for some good Sup Call Theatre!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Do you realise how many people would LOVE to be in your shoes?? Count your blessings, man! -Jonos
  • Even though I'm a tech, I used to take sup calls. Now, however, upper management has stopped this practice. One of my sups always let me have the real ticked off EU's. That was always nice, get off the phone, then them I can't do it and that I know nothing about teching computer, because I'm just a manager and boot it up to the tier 2 techs. Ahh, that was the life, darn upper management, messing things up. -STJ
  • Record these and our Tech Calls area will grow <evil grin>. And you can edit them too. -WildKard
  • 77. Only my icon will work for me!
    Customer's DSL is working fine with the icon that our software installs. However this isnt good enough for Dr Starfish because he doesnt like the colors of that icon. He wants his red icon, but cant understand that we dont support custom configuring this. He's adamant that the connection wont work right until he gets his icon. Well the connection that his icon points to is no longer installed. Man I wish I could tell him to get over it.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Update: Now he's convinced that it's not working right because he has too many icons on his desktop. AARRGGGHH!!! -firebird2k2
  • Shortcut Properties > Change Icon... but I don't know why you'd want to go the extra mile for this guy :) -WildKard
  • Nope not gonna happen. He's stubborn and keeps adding more reasons to stay on the phone. He still wants me to customize his connection icon. He's convinced that because the standard Windows connection icon (2 computers with flashing screens) isnt there, he's not connected even though he can get his email and browse pages. -firebird2k2
  • Hurray!! Told him that his connection was working according to <ISP> standards and there was nothing more I could do for him and he hung up! I hate being that way, but what else can you do when someone just doesnt get it? -firebird2k2
  • Well, you can kill them. -bentm99
  • You could disable his account and begone with him -Brf
  • Apply clue x 4 to the guys forehead ... -Cronoz
  • If he wants to see red, beat him senseless. That oughta work. -Disallowed
  • Defenestration,,, Big fan of defenestration. Just make sure your at least on the 5th floor. -Hellion
  • Unfortunately, TS doesnt have the rights do disable the account. If we could, I'd have been fired a long time ago for enacting swift justice against Lusers. -firebird2k2
  • LART the arrogant prick. Doctors are so used to being treated like royalty & getting their own way they get all upset when it doesn't happen. Tough shit Quack, welcome to the real world. -lineswine
  • Following on from that, I wonder what his reaction would be if he prescribed some medication & the patient said he didn't like the colours the capsules came in. The patient then demanded they make pills that were the colours the he wanted. I think it would be a fast-track way to a trip to the loony bin. -lineswine
  • We can't disable acts, but we can change usernames and passwords. That will still disable the act as far as the (l)user is concerned. -Zaxtan
  • We can't disable acts, but we can change usernames and passwords. That will still disable the act as far as the (l)user is concerned. -Zaxtan
  • 78. Crazy PIN# Lady
    I cannot believe I almost forgot to post this! It happened while I was on vacation recently. I was at the local gas station getting a fountain soda. I go up to the counter and am standing next to this lady who is paying with her Debit card. Apparently I was standing too close to her because she snapped at me "Excuse me, but you need to back up! I'm entering my PIN# here!!!". I found it amusing considering I didnt have her card, nor did I even care about her money. I stepped back without saying anything though. After she left, I intentionally used my debit card instead of cash. Before entering my PIN# I turned around and asked "Can everyone see this? Gather in close now so you dont miss it! I'm entering my PIN#! Damn, someone must have left her foil beanie cap at home!" Everyone else in line had a good laugh about it. Wouldnt be surprised if she has her internet passwords saved, and how many times has she given out her SSN? Good lord, some people! LoL
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • A few years back, I worked at a full-service gas bar... was introduced to this one lady, very nice, little brash - she was always doing something, would tell you to put in gas, and give you her debit card, and tell you the PIN# was 1-2-3-4. Even yelled it across the lot a couple of times. -namor
  • Namor- Gas bar? Is this a Canada thing? -LaserGuru
  • I thought a gas bar was someplace that specialized in bean dip, and pickled eggs. -wolfprince
  • Actually stopping ppl looking over your shoulder when u punch in your PIN # is a wise move. There was a programme on UK TV a while back that showed how pickpockets employ spotters to target ppl using ATMs. The spotter watches u enter your PIN & puts your number into a mobile phone, that way when they later lift your wallet / bag then not only get the cash u carry but also access to your bank acct. -Digital Dogcow
  • While this is certainly a possibility, the funny part was mostly how she went about it. -firebird2k2
  • Yeah, I'd worry if there was ever more than $50 bucks in my account. -scooby111
  • Actually she looked like she had less money in her account than an outsourced tech would! Shocking! -firebird2k2
  • Pin numbers... forget about them, I'll use my visa any day expecially since I get cash back for using it. -garwain
  • <pet peeve> Its just 'PIN' not 'PIN number', the 'N' stands for Number. Just like ISBN </pet peeve> -K1W1
  • my father got his debit card stolen at an ATM while he was in "tourist mode" in europe. It was taken my someone who became all "here, let me show you how it works" helpful when my father didn't get it on the first try. The guy had time to empty out the daily limit (which thankfully had been lowered for vacation purposes). And how did he know the PIN#? From standing nearby. -WildKard
  • There was a scam in Leeds a while back whereby the thieving fucks (read that "conmen") would throw a 10 on the floor at your feet after watching you type your pin, then when you bend down to get it they reach over and grab your card -Quinn
  • K1W1: It's "it's", not "its". My pet peeve is when people have problems with three letter words. -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • S&H apologies for peeving you off. That was a typo. I do know the difference between it's (it is) and its (possesive). I'm fairly tolerant about obvious typos but less so about redundancies. -K1W1
  • 79. Farkin Argumentative Bastard
    Customer is pissed because Tech Support cant replace his modem and he has to call back in in the morning when the Equipment group is open. So I take the Sup Call and Starfish Extraordinaire (SE) feels that he should only have to call one department in the ISP to get all his issues resolved. Tried several times to tell SE that that's just not how it works and I cant do anything about it and all he wants to do is argue about organizational structure and how bad our ISP sucks. Finally told him "Sir, my job is not to argue how the company is and should be organized. I've advised you twice of that and this is the third. You've been given the answer to the question you called with. Goodbye." and hung up the phone.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    80. Almost every tech is bitching.
    <rant>Company I work for just went through and started swapping out all the Win98 machines with Win2K machines that are very well locked down using Group Policies. This means no installing programs and games, no more instant messenger, no more browsing to whatever they want. Every tech is still perfectly capable of accessing what they need to do the job, but they insist on bitching about not being able to abuse the machines anymore. While I disagree with how it's being done, no one seems to understand that the reason it's being done was because of so many people abusing the machines, causing more Ghost pushes and repair, which is driving up TCO. I am tired of listening to them bitching about it. Do your damn job!! Play games and chat on your own farking time!</rant>
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Unless java is disabled, there are still games they can play. They can probably also use icq's web-based program. Doing either would probably result in beatings. -Jardinsky
  • There probably are, but most if not all of the major sites for games and instant messaging have been DNS blocked at our internal firewall. It does suck and wouldnt cause as much complaint if agents were actually paid decently. -firebird2k2
  • Where I work(for another month anyway), the pay is lousy, read $10 Canadian an hour, they want perfection, customers need to hear us smile but we're not supposed to laugh. we can't get pissed, they screw with our schedules. they don't like us playing cards, not too fancy seeing any magz either. they don't want us surfing he net either, but most of us do it anyway, for above mentioned reasons. -SerbianEagle
  • That sounds incredibly familiar. Wouldnt be surprised if it was the same company. -firebird2k2
  • We're not allowed to go anywhere near the pub during workhours..... -CommanderData
  • With the new management, things are good. We just neet to resolve cases and make customers happy. We don't get dinged with reports on phone times. Our support group does not run like anybody else, and I love it! -LaserGuru
  • Tell me where you work Guru, I HAVE to work there. I'm sick of middle management. And upper management who hire middle management in the first place -Quinn
  • I agree with the concept of strapping down Win2K so employees cant screw anything up or goof off... but sad to say, in most of these instances that company just gave up all tech support if they have an outside ISP for internet access. We have a couple of companies that do this with Win2K on our wireless broadband, but every one of them have called in with problems that ended up requiring a housecall, just to find out our staff can't do anything with the machines being strapped down so much. We test the wireless signal and make sure its not on our equipment, then have to tell them theirs nothing we can do and to contact their IT staff, then we charge them for the housecall. -OzarkBard
  • Sorry- no openings at this point. The last few hires have been folks who were laid off in the 2000 bust. Since we lost upper management in that little hiccup, it wasn't a total loss. -LaserGuru
  • Here it is pretty free and easy, as far as what you do in your downtime/own time - so long as you are in the IT department. Other department's computer access is more tightly controlled, but hey we have to be able to test anything they want to use so as long as you aren't buggering up the network and are virus & security conscious you're okay. Plus a group of us have a regular meeting at the local bar every Friday lunchtime. As long as our work is not impaired, then that's okay by the boss. Besides our boss is a bit of a pisshead himself so he's fairly relaxed about it. -K1W1
  • filtered users, try https://68.62.183.234/cgi-bin/nph-829924.cgi this is on my home machine and should help with those pesky IP based filters -Phssstpok
  • 81. The Customer Service Professional
    Supervisor call. Dipshit starfish is complaining that he has to call another company for replacement of the 2Wire modem. Also decides to throw in some neeping about how we told him it was a bad NIC and he bought a new one and it turns out the NIC wasnt bad because he has the same problem with both NICs. I explain to this farkwit that electronics of any kind are made by humans and therefore, they are not perfect. As such, the troubleshooting you receive may, on occasion be incorrect. Basically, politely telling him to get over it because there's nothing that can be done. This launches this asshole into a rant about how he feels that we are intentionally disregarding our customers and our policies are unfair. I let him say his bit, but when he cranked up teh volume, I'd drop him on hold without warning. I've found that that is very effective in getting angry starfish to lose the angry tone. At the end of the call, this guy ends up calling the other department for a replacement modem, even though I told him that they wouldnt replace it because it was hit by lightening. Oh well, let them listen to him for awhile.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • 2wire huh, i work for an isp that uses 2wire hardware -useless
  • 82. Could customers make a difference?
    Talking to this guy who had to call HP support to fix a winsock problem. As expected, they fucked things up and had to restore his machine for him. While waiting for his computer to copy files on a TCP/IP rip/reinstall, he mentioned the communication problems he had with the 4 reps he talked to there. He was actually blown away to learn that most OEMs have their support callcenters in foriegn countries like India. Should I have told him that? No, probably not. Oh well, makes me think. If customers actually knew that their first line of defense was being shipped off to save money, perhaps they would complain enough to have it make a difference? Then again, maybe I'm smokin the cheap crack again. Ha!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • gotta love out source TS :| -useless
  • You should definately have told him. The more people who know, the better. I tell everybody I can, when the subject of TS comes up. -scooby111
  • Yeah, but you don't want them thinking we are all Indian <Thank you, come again> -LaserGuru
  • 83. Time for a RANT!
    <rant>FUCK!!! What the hell is wrong with people that live in a country and cant speak the fucking language? I mean, please by all means come here and give use your money but for God sake have the motherfucking courtesy to learn the fucking language!!!! I've been on the call with this shit for brains for 20 minutes already and I dont even know what the fucking issue is becuase he cant fucking speak English. Firebird's #1 rule that all starfish must follow: If you live in the USA, learn English or at least Spanish! SHIT! I've said it before and I'll say it again. How far would you get in France or Germany or another European country if you didnt learn the language? NO-FUCKING-WHERE!!!!!</rant>
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Amen brother -tuswole1
  • ?Que? No comprendo englais, senor. <BFEG> -RiffRaff
  • Breaks out the BFG9000 and takes aim at RiffRaff! Ha! :P -firebird2k2
  • yea that was an hour long call and still could'nt get what the putz was rambling about -youpeople
  • The United States of America doesn't *have* an official language. This is the result. -WildKard
  • So true WildKard, so true. It pisses me off! -firebird2k2
  • hmm... maybe I should've copyrighted "BFEG" before I mentioned/invented ( :P ) it... I'm kinda broke now... ;) lol -Wiser
  • oh yeah... I guess that comment should've ended with <BFEG> :P -Wiser
  • We are fortunate where I work in that if we can not gain agreement on the problem in 5 minutes it goes to level 2. -fiesti
  • Yo soy Norte Americano. Yo hablo Espanol. Bienvienidos a los Estados Unidos. -Bioguy
  • I have a rant about what to do with thoughs that come here (the USA) threw less than ligitimit means. But its not PC enough to post. -virusjtg
  • What pisses me off is when I'm accused of racism because I want people to learn the primary language of the country they chose to live in. -CaffeineHead
  • Be like us (canadians). have 2 official languages so everyone can speak at least one. Parlez vous francais? -mousie
  • Hey, Bio, shouldn't that be "Soy de Iowa. Crezco maz."? -obie099
  • Oops, forgot the <BFEG> -obie099
  • Solo hablo un pocito de espanol. Mire: "Donde esta el bano?" "Una mas cerveza por favor." "Tiene su hija deisyocho anos?" "Donde estan mis pantelones?' -Bioguy
  • Rant is a rant but keep in mind that IT TAKES TIME TO LEARN THE LANGUAGE, some of the people who JUST came to US has little chance to learn English in their native country. -shooric
  • The only other language I know is in Spanish, and it will either get me a awesome****** or get me gutted like a fish and dropped in a ditch -burrkiss
  • Ummmm Shooric, they can buy a computer purchase software for this computer, purchase DSL/Cable/Dial-Up for this computer they can call tech support for ths computer.... and ur saying it take time to learn English? forgein people are 1. Lazy or 2. don't put in the effort to learn another language. -LowLevelFormat
  • Shooric: So why not learn at least enough to get by before you move? -CaffeineHead
  • I officially work in English only, but I can get by in French. I will even try to help a person who only "speaks" Spanish or German, but can understand enough English to understand what I'm saying. I can understand those languages if a person speaks slowly, and I'll even do my best to make it easier for them to understand me. -garwain
  • Bio knows enough "spanglish" to get his huevos scrambled, or a communicable disease... -obie099
  • IMHO, the reason foreign immigrants do not learn English is because we go out of our way to accomodate them by listing things bi-lingually all over creation. Companies list "hablamos espanol" in their advertising around my city in an effort to bring in business from the Spanish community. They have no motivation to learn English because they don't *need* to. I think the US is unique in this regard, for better or worse. -RiffRaff
  • RE: My point - "YES it takes time to learn language" LowLevelFormat: 'forgein people are...' - add 'and live off walfare' to complete the stereotype :) do I smell Michael Savage? I have several friends who speak no English when they came here. It would be perfect to learn language before you going somewhere, but in real world it is not always possible... -shooric
  • I am actually pretty shocked that no one has mentioned the ignorance of the original post. Do you think the U.S.'s original language was English? Nope! Besides, what are foreigners supposed to do... sit at home collecting government money until they can speak English with the eloquence you have demonstrated? There is a learning process - it is not immediate. Lighten the hell up. -ShutUpAndHangUp
  • To clarify, I dont want people to learn English BEFORE they come to the United States, I just simply expect them to learn it AFTER they get here. Regardless of what the most common language was before, it is primarily English now. Therefore I feel that it is in fact ignorant to not learn the common language of the country you are living, working and doing business in. -firebird2k2
  • I have no problem with people who are trying to learn the language. I am patient with them and try to help them learn. Sometimes, I have to request they call back when someone who speaks english a little better is available. What I have a problem with is those people who come to this county and expect the country to bend to them. It is arrogance to expect the world to revolve around yourself. I would not go to France and expect them to speak english. If I go to a foreign country, I will learn at least enough of their language to get along. -scooby111
  • People, this is a comedy site. The original post is supposed to be a rant. Thats what the site is about. No one sounds overly elegant in "rant-mode". I doubt very much you do, shutup. The comments are a way for the rest of us to lighten this up. The "ignorance" of the original post, if that's what it is, was ignored mostly because that's a horse thats been beaten to death time after time after time. So, how about YOU lighten up and funny it up? (Or at least be nice in you postings here.) </soapbox> Sorry all. -obie099
  • I rather agree with the origional post, and get rather frustrated with having to troubleshoot with a 4 year old, because he's the only one in the family that has bothered to learn any of the language, even though they have been in country for 7 or more years. (yes this has happened to me twice now).... If I go to France, I will expect them to speak English, but only because I would be going there on vacation as a tourist, with a tour guide that damn well better be able to translate. However, If I go to Japan, it will be to live, and yes, nihongo de hanashimasu yo. Demo sukoshii ga. -KuroTaka
  • Heh, not to put any more fuel on the fire, but I know how you feel! My Dad is a Justice of the Peace, so we get non-english speakers calling (my home!) ALL THE TIME! Its OK if they try, but when you answer and they just say 'JP' or something as equally lame it just makes me mad... Its cool though, cause my dad gives 'em heaps, specially when they bring the wrong (or forged!) documents to sign... -Otaraboy
  • Well, i Live in the netherlands, our official language is Dutch, but i don't expect foreigners to speak my language immediately, especially since it is quite hard to learn. I do speak English, german and french too, so no problem. Soon I will need to learn finnish, because i am moving to my girlfriend who lives in Helsinki. -Kharny
  • Felix qui potuit rarum cognoscere causas -stegzy
  • Kharny is the person who UNDERSTANDS...he is going to learn the language of the country he is moving to. -burrkiss
  • I don't mind trying to help people who don't have a huge grasp of English. I mean after all my job is to assist the customer. What tees me off is when I call a customer service line and the person who answers has a horrible grasp of English. It makes me want to track down the hiring manager and beat him with a stick. The only problem is that it probably wasn't his fault because the company is afraid of a discrimation charge. So I guess what I'm getting at is don't take these things personal. Either try and provide a little humour if you post a comment, or assume the member was just blowing off a little steam and go on to the next story. -Hellion
  • 84. An eternity configuring email.
    Damn, just got in for the day and I'm already almost in rant mode! Just spent 35 minutes with a customer trying to help her with her email. She couldnt remember from minute to minute what we had just done and apparently the internet itself was so amazing to her that in the middle of our call she lost the ability (did she ever have it?) to distinguish between the browser itself and the web page. Example: ME: "Type 'www.yahoo.com' into your address bar.' EU: "Ok, I have it.".. Then customer struggles to find what I need her to click on. I ask her to go back to the address bar and type something else, she cant find it to save her life. Add to that, she was the type of person that would randomly click on things that she thought she needed to click on to fix the issue and would completely ignore me.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Aaarg! My sister is like that. She lives in Oregon and calls me when she needs tech support. Every time you tell her to do something, you hear at least 5 or 6 clicks too many. I get fed up with it after about 2 nanoseconds. ME: "Take your hands AWAY FROM THE MOUSE! Sit back and DO NOT click on ANYTHING unless I tell you to do it!!!!" Makes a 5 min problem take 45. -scooby111
  • huh.. that's why I install VNC on all the computers I work on(for family only) -Joshtech
  • I have a friend like that. I end up yelling at him every time he calls for support (hey, he's not paying, I'm entitled). Constantly clicks on things he's not supposed to, closes windows midway thru doing something. The worst part is that he rarely finishes his sentences so I almost have to use a crowbar to get anything out of him. "well, I'm looking at a window that says.. <mumble mumble silence> -Grembo
  • 85. It's gotta be a full moon somewhere.
    ME: "Thank you for calling ISP technical support, my name is Firebird. How can I help you?" EU: "Yes, I'm trying to find out your current service specials and order DSL." ME: "I'm sorry ma'am, you've reached technical support and I don't have that information. I can try to answer your questions, but I may not have all the information you are looking for. If you'd like I can transfer you to the correct department." EU: "No, that's okay I'll just find another provider. You people must not want my business that bad if you cant even answer my question. I've been transferred 3 times." ME: "What options did you press when you called ma'am, because I can give you the ones you need." EU: "What options I press don't matter. Since you are useless just get me transfered to who I need to talk to." ME: "Okay." All the while I'm thinking WTF? It's our fault you are stupid and can't listen and press the right buttons? I think not.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Aaaaaaand there's the start of your next (l)user from hell. Sorry, man. -techiegoddess
  • yes its our fault you hit phone key aty random -youpeople
  • Where does this false sense of superiority and arrogance come from? -obie099
  • The fact that the US has only lost two wars ever: 1812 vs Canada, and 'Nam vs Charlie. -LaunchpadMcKwak
  • Wellllll... Korea was a draw, I suppose... -RiffRaff
  • Transfer this (L)user to dialtone....who needs this sort of idiot as a customer? -lineswine
  • Hey! We beat Korea in 1871 (sort of). -LaserGuru
  • I dont think Korea can even be considered over, but anyway, it comes from that damn "The customer is always right" rhetoric we grow up hearing. -QuaziTech
  • Lost the civil war... -Veinor
  • 86. Another arrogant asshole.
    This guy calls in because he's getting an error installing the DSL software we provide. Great, we can help right? No. He's not a customer, he's a "tech" that our customer paid to setup the service. He refuses to give the tech any of the customer's information, convinced that it's not neccessary to answer his question. He demands to speak to a supervisor, so I get on the line. He's getting some error message about some kind of configuration server being busy and he says he's gotten this error each of the six times he's set up our service on a computer for one of his 'customers'. I search our knowledge base just as the tech did, and there is nothing there for that message. Of course, he's unwilling to hear this and starts going into how I'm not much of a supervisor if I cant fix this for him. So I go a few rounds with him, warning him twice to not curse at me. I tell him this error must be coming from something he is doing or the machines he's installing our software either do not or barely meet minimum system requirements. I guess he found that answer offensive because he asked for my supervisor. I took the opportunity to let him know that they would be glad to speak with him, but that the further up the chain he went, the less technical the people he would be speaking to were. So I get a manager friend of mine to take the call over. This guy decided to try and insult him and use profanity at him too. The manager told him to remain professional a second time and this jackass tells the manager to that if he was face to face with him, he'd bein saying much worse than that. He then proceeded to tell the manager to stop wearing a skirt and nylons and be a man and tolerate his language. That was the end of that call.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • wow -tuswole1
  • Fuck being professional. Calming down an irate customer is one thing. The gloves come off with an asshole like this. Awful brave when he's on the other end of a phone line, the prissy little punk. -RiffRaff
  • You should have found out his TN for his "services/company" and given him a call at a later date, or had a friend call, and totally mess w/ his ass. -DaSwish
  • 87. This Takes the Fuckin Cake
    Best story I've heard in a long time. Customer calls in because he cant plug his DSL modem into his only phone jack because it will cause the police to come to his house. See he's on house arrest and the tether monitor plugs into the phone jack. If the signal fails, then the police get dispatched. I had the tech tell the guy to call whoever monitors it and see if they will send a unit out while he hooks up the modem. Hope no one ever has him remove that two line adapter to troubleshoot a no sync issue!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • oh great reason to get DSL... your under house arrest for what kiddy porn or stealing..? then you just get dsl that'll really keep them from doing it online -Joshtech
  • Wait'll they try that with wireless. -MadJack
  • I don't know what state he's in, but in Indiana he wouldn't be allowed to have an Internet connection on the same phone line as the monitor. Tying up the phone line for any length of time is just the same as a failed signal. He should have gotten a second line. -RiffRaff
  • I guess that would make sense Riff. However with DSL, it might be okay. Unless the monitoring device uses the high frequency portion of the line like DSL. Hmm maybe he should put a DSL filter on it and find out!? -firebird2k2
  • If you really need it, get a second phone line and enable it for DSL. -scooby111
  • Was the EUs last name Mitnick by any chance? -lineswine
  • Kevin woulda just hacked the telco into thinking he had mulitple lines issues, and have them come out and "fix it" for free. -TechnoVampire
  • 88. The Warranty Doesnt Apply To Me
    Customer wants a supervisor, so I get on the phone and let him ramble for a few minutes. Seems in the close to 3 years he's had DSL he's had 3 modems. The one we sent him for free was the first. The second one he had to purchase because the first one failed after he'd had it over a year. About 8 months later, he purchased another one because he thought the second one went bad. I didnt see any notes about him calling either time. I guess he didnt bother to call. He said that he should be exempt from the warranty limitations because he's already had to buy 2 modems. Of course I explained to him that it doesnt matter because I dont write the warranty and I cant change the policies. After going around and around with him over it, it turned out his modem was had sync, and he was getting a timeout error. The reason he was getting this? Because he had a D-Link router connected. Did he tell me it was there when I first asked him? Of course not. Passed him back to the tech to troubleshoot.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • The "stupid and willing to buy replacements on a whim" is a great group to market products to however :) -WildKard
  • D-link. Heh. Probably just needed to upgrade the firmware. -Gecko
  • 89. Of course onsite techs install software!
    Customer demanded that we send a technician out for free to install her PPPoE software. Of course when the tech told her no, she asked for a supervisor. In her infinite wisdom, she felt that because she has had 'problems with the DSL since she got it' she was entitled to a free dispatch. Yeah, you pay us so much money a month lady and you are just that important! Whatever.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    90. Gotta vent!
    <rant>Okay, havent posted one of these in awhile, but I have to vent because I'm getting pretty fucking fed up. I think it's high time for a vacation. July cant come fast enough. This of course is a supervisor call and it went something like this. Starfish: "Send a technican back out here right now!" Me: "Sir, what is the issue?" Starfish: "My computer is locking up and the tech that came out here to replace my DSL modem said that if I have any other issues I should call and have a technician sent back out, so get on it." Me: "Okay, sir. Let me go ahead and qualify that for you. If a line or modem issue reoccurs, we will redispatch a technician to come back out and check the line and the equipment." Starfish: "Well, that's not good enough. I am convinced it's not my computer causing it and I am convinced it's not my DSL line causing it, so get a technician out here right now." Me: "Sir, I have to ask you to refrain from yelling and to try to conduct yourself in a professional manner as it is not my job to be insulted and abused by you, it is my job to help you fix the problem."
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Starfish: "Your job is to do what I tell you and I am an upset customer I can conduct myself how I please." Me: "Actually sir, no matter how upset you are, you may feel it gives you the right to yell at me, but it doesnt. Also, I have the right if you continue this behaviour to discontinue this call, so please conduct yourself in a more professional manner or I will hang up on you." Starfish: (still yelling) "Okay fine, whatever. There's nothing wrong with the line and nothing wrong with my computer. The computer is locking up and the line is causing it and I want a technician out here now!" Me: "I'm sorry sir, before I can send a technician I need to verify the cause is something that we can dispatch a tech for." Anyway, to shorten the story, I warned the guy three times to stop with the major attitude and work with me or I would end the call. Of course, he didnt. I dont know what he thought it was if he didnt think it was the computer or the line, but at this point I no longer care. He can go fuck himself.</rant> -firebird2k2
  • having been the "technician who had to go out and do dsl maintenance" before I can tell you that most lusers machines are pretty fubar before the dsl software and hardware is connected. I had one win95 machine with over 2500 chkdsk files on the drive when I asked the luser to reboot the machine, she hit the power button! Do you always shut the machine down that way? Oh yes, it's much quicker than clicking on the start shutdown buttons. Gator, hotbar, bonzi buddy, and all the other happy background crap running, the task manager 4 screens full of garbage and now we are going to add DSL to the mix. Hey luser guess what the weakest link is here. Good BYE! -DMenscha
  • lol.. notice the line: "There's nothing wrong with the line and nothing wrong with my computer. The computer is locking up and the line is causing it" I would have shoved that line right back in his face and asked him what he thinks the problem really is then. -DaSwish
  • He was probably right. Nothing wrong with the computer, the line. Was clearly the keyboard-chair interface. -DarthDOS
  • He was probably right. Nothing wrong with the computer, the line. Was clearly the keyboard-chair interface. -DarthDOS
  • Rant away, friend... Lord knows plenty of us, myself included, have done so... You should have sent the tech... the problem was obviously with his power cord, needed replacing with primer cord. -KuroTaka
  • Like the last sup call i escalated, cust was in collections and wanted his service reconnected before the money hit the account, my favourite line from the conversation was "XXX needs customers who will pay their bill on time" then after that it was "sir don't swear at me...my..my name is xyxxy.." then "woo hoo he hung up on me!!!" -cerberus
  • Let me get this straight. His computer is not the cause of it. The DSL is not the cause of it. the only thing left is the keyboard/chair interface.... ;P -McSmiley
  • I'm in as well! -JustAGirl
  • 91. I'm not surprised!
    Another senior tech just came up to me and told me that one of our techs had a call where a DSL tech and a sattelite tv tech were at the customer's house. The sattelite tv tech fell off the cusotmer's roof and is now sueing the customer and she wants to know the name of the DSL tech that we sent out. Sadly, the fact that the guy is suing the customer was not surprising to me at all.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • No! The infamous double post! -firebird2k2
  • Now THAT is just wrong. The satellite TV tech, as a (hopefully) trained professional, should know how to conduct himself safely on the roof of a customer's house, which includes refusing to go up there when it seems unsafe in his professional judgement. -ltu1542hvy
  • Ummm. He's going to have a hard time sueing the home-owner since it's part of a standard installation to go up on the roof. The only way he can sue is if the home owner told him to go up there against the tech's better judgement. He'd have more luck sueing the satellite company for a dangerous work environment. <sigh> I hate lawyers. -scooby111
  • 92. I'm not surprised!
    Another senior tech just came up to me and told me that one of our techs had a call where a DSL tech and a sattelite tv tech were at the customer's house. The sattelite tv tech fell off the cusotmer's roof and is now sueing the customer and she wants to know the name of the DSL tech that we sent out. Sadly, the fact that the guy is suing the customer was not surprising to me at all.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • No! The infamous double post! -firebird2k2
  • One of the guys that I work with used to be a field tech. He was doing an install in a house and fell thru a lady's ceiling onto her kitchen table, broke the table, trashed several pictures on the wall. Funny thing is that one of the supervisors went out to survey the damage and while in the attic fell through in a different spot. hehehe -GibsonSG
  • 93. You Broke My Intercom!
    The (l)user was complaining that our DSL installer disabled or disconnected wires that ran his intercom system that goes between his house and his workshop. Had the tech call the maintenance department before I got on the phone and they said they arent going to dispatch a technician because his DSL is working fine. So the guy asks for a supervisor and I gladly jump on the phone to try and forcefully persuade him that he's got no issue with us. Ha! We all know how that goes. So I get on the phone and ask him when he had DSL installed. March 23rd, and of course he's just calling us about this issue now, almost a month later and he hasnt checked to see if the intercom was working until just a few days ago. The (l)user even said that the DSL installer told him to check all his phones to make sure they were working the day of the install. I told him exactly what maintenance told him, they arent sending a technician for this issue and that he would need to contact the telco if they put the intercom system in or whatever company set that up for him. He says that it wasnt a company, it's just two phones with an intercom system already built in and that no work was needed by the telephone company to get it to work. So I ask him how he thinks if he can make calls from both phones, and he can.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Try to point out to him that if he can make calls from both phones and there is no special wiring, then the wiring is fine and perhaps the intercom feature on one of the phones wonked out. Maybe a button is broken? Jeezus, does he believe this? No!! Of course not!! Demands that we send someone out and when I tell him no, it's not happening again, he demands to know why. So I explain to him that even if it was caused by the DSL installer, we have no proof of this and because it's been almost a month since the DSL was installed, there are any number of other reasons why the intercom could have failed. I threw out an analogy at him he didnt like: "Saying that the DSL installer caused this is and then calling to get us to fix it almost a month later when you didnt check to see if it was working sooner is like taking your car to a mechanic and when he's done with it, he tells you to check all your dashboard gauges and you do, except for one, then you take the car back to the mechanic a month later and blame that one non-working gauge on his last repair." He didnt like that and he asked to speak to my supervisor, so I happily passed him over, but not before informing him that my supervisor had been listening to the entire call already. -firebird2k2
  • Does this sound plausible? When he had DSL installed, the frequency it works at happens to be the frequency the intercom works at. If/When the filters were put on, it knocked out his capability to use the intercom feature, as it blocked those frequencies from getting through. -Jeckler
  • Hell no doing dsl for two years. The shit just broke. 0-4Mhz for analog and Ithink 20 and up for dsl everything else including fax is between. Tell the cust to beat it and call The PHONE manufacturer not dsl issue -Whatsnicon
  • 94. My Funniest Moment in TS EVER!
    Holy crap, I just had the best laugh I've ever had working for tech support. Our company just passed out an Empathy flyer that refers to our customers as starfish. For those of you that dont know, starfish happen to have NO BRAINS!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • ROFLMAO... Okay, I'm all for adopting that as the offical TSC euphanism for customers. Anyone second the motion? -RiffRaff
  • I second... -hkypipe
  • Hey remember I get the credit! LoL :P -firebird2k2
  • BTW, I third the motion! -firebird2k2
  • LMAO, damn, that will instantly enter my lexicon. :D -Snakeeye
  • I'll also support that motion -virusjtg
  • Do we have a quorum yet? -ltu1542hvy
  • Quorum is supposed to be about 50% of the membership, but if it help, I add my "yea" vote... -stpatience
  • Nope, u need another 2137 yea's before u have a Quorum (51%). I say move the ballot to Florida, then get Hawk's sister in law to count the votes. ;0) -Digital Dogcow
  • Err... to be painfully exact, quorum usually means 50% + 1 (which is not 51%) -oximoron
  • Well, to top your painfully correct with excruciatingly correct you need to add to your statement, unless the total count is exactly 100. -obie099
  • I'm definitely in favor of this motion. -goldentenor1
  • Well, onward to the Robert's Rules of Order (best book on meetings EVER), a quorum is not defined by general rules, but rather by the rules of the organization. Therefore, quorum is whatever the admin wants it to be. Majority is 50% + 1, but quorum can be anything. In New England town meetings, quorum is something on the order of 10% of the registered voters. Inside the meeting, majority rules, but you do not need a majority to have the meeting in the first place. Just a nitpick, but I spent 4 years of doing audio control for the town meetings in Ipswich MA. -butler1850
  • Any chance of getting the flyer posted? I could use a 'new outlook' on (l)users. -ChildofCthulhu
  • Would love to find a way to post the flyer, but I cant. It has company names and such on it. -firebird2k2
  • TOO RIGHT!!!!! BTW, just scan the thing into word and edit the names out, and post it! We wanna see! -MadJack
  • Sounds good to me. -anathama
  • But how many votes do you need to pass a motion to determine how many votes you need? Toss my vote in, while I'm at it -Disallowed
  • Did anyone say that TSC is a democracy? Quorum is what Hawk says it is. And if Hawk decides to put in an advisory council, he will set the rules. -chazz
  • Starfish it is. The TechnoVampire has spoken. -TechnoVampire
  • Can you post a photo/scan of it? Might be something worth reproducing... -Quinn
  • Assuming that someone will want to challenge it, I asked all the ducks in the parking pond, & they all agreed that we should interchangably call Lusers "starfish" - (I trust the ducks & other moat monsters more than I do our Supreme Court.) -deltree/y
  • Starfish works for me. -KuroTaka
  • No, thank you. It's WAY to cutesy for me. I abhor anything that's too self-consciously cute, like the concept of creating euphemisms. Let's call 'em what they are! I'll stick with "lusers". -notpitr
  • And thus, it is born... -Veinor
  • 95. A Sign of the Apocalypse
    Not a call, worse! I went to Burger King today and when I was handed my food, the person behind the counter also handed me an AOL 8.0 CD. That's gotta be a bad sign right?
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • o... m... f... g... that is too fucked up for words... :( -Wiser
  • I hope it was for a coaster ... tell me it was for a coaster! -Calydor
  • Now it would really be bad if they used it inside the burger :), not that anyone would taste the difference... -Kharny
  • No, it sadly was not inteded as a coaster. She picked it up out of a display case of them and handed it to me with the bag of food. Didnt even ask if I wanted it! -firebird2k2
  • Junk Food, Junk Disk. There *IS* a bizzare logic here. -Digital Dogcow
  • They'll be giving the things out at toll booths soon enough. That's okay, I've got a place to send them - http://www.nomoreaolcds.com/ -JavaBean
  • I think I've got it figured. They're fattening people up until the point they can't even leave their house, forcing them to use AOHell to communicate! It's almost too easy.... -elcapitane
  • daaaayum ok now even i have to say thats going a lil to far. -GefahrMaus
  • free frisbee. Just take it outside and send it a flying -rockytech
  • That is disc-gusting.. Lost my appetite. -DarthDOS
  • When doctors start giving them away with prostate exams, i'm becoming a hermit and living in a cave. -phsspok
  • Eh...the apocalypse was first planned when those things began to EXIST....As I've said, I wish it would just hurry up and happen... -Vertigo
  • If you wanted a perpetually free dial up you could just use the AOL cd's pretty much forever... -Starfury
  • Starfury- I would suggest you duck when you say things like that... Now, Where'd i put that lart <starts looking for 9th century danish broadsword> -eldorel
  • AOheLl cds make ok frizbies, and you can tape or glue razorblades to them, and go target practice on ...well i'll leavE that Up to you folkS to figure out. -RoBlade
  • Tape? the hell with that, i'm sitting here sharpening a cd as we speak.... open cdrom drive, cheap blank cd, pocket knife.. makes a pretty good edge, hard to keep sharp though. -eldorel
  • That's it. I'm NEVER eating at Burger Baron again. -notpitr
  • If I recall correctly, I read that McDonalds also tried this at some point in the past... -codeman38
  • For some reason thins makes me recall an episode of Futurama where the old professor is talking about the composition of a large ball of garbage about to hit earth, pointing to one area he says its made of "America Online floppy disks" best line of the show :) -DarthLuke
  • I wonder what they'd look like battered and fried.... -Antacid
  • Whenever offered an AOL cd, I take it, snap it in half on the edge of the counter and hand it back. -Grembo
  • I was in Canadian Tire yesterday, and they had a stack of them next to the flyers. Branded with CT's own name. Eeeeeeeeeevil. -namor
  • 96. If I Ran The Show
    If I were in charge of any OEM or ISP there would be one MAJOR change to the EULA, TOS &/or AUP. I would make it very clear that calling ANY department with an attitude would result in a warning mark on your account. Get enough of those puppies and it's either goodbye service or ya get your free TS suspended or some other equally befitting punishment!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Can you also introduce a compulsory computer licence? Like they have for driving cars...noone allowed to use computers until they have a basic grasp of computer usage including where the start button is...what an icon is....the difference between left click and right click....etc -stegzy
  • Licensing wouldn't work. Think about it, there'd be all of these classes, simple operation of a computer, defensive computing, the Jim Russell School of Computing, etc. And WHO do you think would be the instructors? It was said the other day, 'Those who can't, teach.' The (l)users would come out of with either the same bad habits, or worse ones. -thefkdcanuck
  • And if you think about it, we license people to drive and look how many there are on the road that are really bad at it. -Grembo
  • Button? Icon? Click? Heck, buncha newfangled crap. How about a nice flashing cursor sitting at a command prompt? -Foyle
  • Command prompt? What are you, some kinda wuss? Real users punch cards by the thousand and haul them into the data center to be loaded. -Foyle
  • Punch cards? Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy! REAL users flip bit switches and punch load buttons for hours on end. -Foyle
  • Bit switches? Me got rock. Me got stick. Me make own computer. Load Unix. -Foyle
  • One of these years, I'm going to have to get back to developing that BIOS litmus test...Just let me get back to work, first! Lol! -MadJack
  • nmuch as I hate to admit it, we need all those morons... after all, if the only calls any of us got were because of actual hardware failure.... how would we pay the rent? -KuroTaka
  • Gimme some good 'ol vacume tubes... I'll be happy with that. -NSaneTech
  • 97. Just Doesnt Get It (When Do They?)
    Spent 45 minutes with this knuckle shuffle moron because when he tries to sign into his homepage, the browser crashes, but he can get to EVERY single other site that he tries. Had him traceroute and ping, both of them give him an error about not being a recognized command. Was able to ping, traceroute and sign into the site using a test id from my location. Checked his hosts file and had no entries blocking the site address. No firewalls, no antivirus, no popup blockers. Didnt bother with TCP/IP because everything else works and he's runnign Win2K, so I'm not touchin that with a 10ft pole. Get down to it, he's got a problem with Internet Explorer or his OS. Suggested that he install Netscape since it was a standalone browser because that would show him if it's an OS or IE issue. Of course he refuses to believe that, and begins to argue with me. Someone let the loonies out of the asylum tonight for sure. He was positive that we, his ISP, should be able to guarantee that he can access everything on the internet and if he cant we should fix it. Yeah right buddy, get real. You got a farking OS issue, so buzz off.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • You...as his ISP....should be able to download the internet and send it on a cd to him, wash his dog, teach his offspring nuclear physics and give his wife the orgasm she has been craving all of these years. -nomoretears
  • Seems like ISP's are plagued by people who think "the Internet is down" or "my Innanet broke" because they can't log into a single site. -CaffeineHead
  • Maybe somebody forgot to tell him that the internet was going to be switched off for cleaning on Tuesday! -ltu1542hvy
  • nomoretears - I'll put some of the internet on cd for him. All the most foul and disgusging pornography I can find. As for his wife, since he will be busy with porn, if she's easy on the eyes, I say bring her on! LoL -firebird2k2
  • I've seen that so many times... the easiest ones to get rid of are the ones having issues with a porn site, I've had an EU argue before because he couldn't go on his XXX chat and everything else worked -punkgoddess
  • "Sir, your homepage sucks" :) -WildKard
  • *sigh* yeah i just had an eu complaining because his downloads kept failing in WinMX...Oh goody He was able to browse fine, but he was pissy that he couldn't download his mp3s...wah. -buho
  • "Sorry sir, we don't support questionably legal filesharing applications" -karlata
  • Downloading MP3s?? thats easy... Me: sorry sir, but do to the legalities involved in downloading coprighted materials for your personal use, I'm going to have to disconnect this call. *CLICK* -samurai
  • Tee Hee - In England there is a term called "5 knuckle shuffle" that often leads to "sticky keyboard syndrome" (males only)... did you mean that or what is known over here as a "knuckle dragger" - a person with neanderthal-like qualities & a single digit I.Q.? Either way it that person you could do without talking to! -lineswine
  • lineswine - it's the latter. a true neanderthal knuckle dragger. -firebird2k2
  • 98. Yet Another Wonderful Sup Call
    Customer calls up to the repair status line. He has a bad router and a tech is going out tommorrow to replace it. However, this is 'unacceptable' (the all-time favorite neep of lusers). Got on the phone and he goes into this long story about how he works as a netadmin at this school and report cards are due tommorrow and they have to finish the data processing for that. My thought on this is that if the damn report cards are due out tommorrow, the data processing should already be done! His second rant is that he works in infrastructure for the same ISP. Of course because of this he's sure that I am not doing my job correctly because he knows how. In my most friendly yet vieled sarcastic tone I suggested that if he's got anything that relies that heavily on the internet, he should have a backup connection method. Let him know that DSL doesnt carry a guaranteed uptime. Just in case you hadn't guesssed already, customer is using one $80 a month 5 static IP DSL account to run the entire school's access to the internet. Yet another luser who is to farking cheap. I suggested that as a backup, the tech can create a dial up connection and get one computer connected so they can get the work done. He takes both my suggestions as an insult (ok, so that is how they were really intended, but...... :P ) and wants me to make sure that a competent tech gets sent out. I let him know that Tech Support has no control over who the Repair group sends. Since he had exhausted all his avenues, he begins to insult me. By now, I've already had to ask him 'politely' to please not interrupt me and that in order to 'continue our conversation, we will both have to let each other speak without interruption.' I warned him that insulting me would only result in me releasing the call. He started interrupting me again, so I dropped him onto hold without warning for a few seconds. That took the fight out of him enough that I could talk. Of course, he went right back to insulting me, so I read off my closing script and hung up the phone.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Good on you! -TechnoVampire
  • Looks like it time for a LARTing session - Ho ho, ho ho a-LARTing we will go.... -lineswine
  • LART? Have I missed a term? Shame on me! Anyone wanna clue me in? LoL. -firebird2k2
  • Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool. Also known as a clue-by-4 (2-by-4). -Calydor
  • U think User frindly has a good one: http://www.computergear.com/bigfoamcluebat.html -McSmiley
  • firebird: look up BOFH on Google. That should clarify everything. -monitor lizard
  • 99. Paranoid Delusional #1
    Another supervisor call: Customer refused to enter her birthdate when upgrading from our legacy DSL service to the current co-branded DSL. She felt that we were going to sell her information and that her having to enter it was a violation of her privacy. Nevermind the fact that it's a US Federal Government regulation (COPPA 1998) that we verify that anyone signing up for an email account is over 13. I can't help it if our 'business partner' requires this information. Thankfully she didnt get to the next screen which asks for her credit card number.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Yeah but u forgot to mention that every ISP is legally bound to break into EU's houses when nobody is at home & make random DNA sweeps while the CIA installs spy cameras in the TV & all the smoke alarms -Digital Dogcow
  • firebird: We've read the referenced statute, and we don't see where it requires verification of age just to sign up for an e-mail account. It seems to deal with what information you can and can't request from children (defined to be any person under the age of 13). Are we looking at the proper statute: Children's Online Privacy Protection Act of 1998? -RiffRaff
  • RiffRaff it's not that the statute itself requires that specifically. It's how a certain advertising/search company (Wahoo -W +Y) implements their compliance with the law. Or at least that's what we were told by corporate. -firebird2k2
  • 100. Paranoid Delusional #2
    Yet another supervisor call (no, not the same crazy lady.): This lady was convinced that if she removed her Linksys router from her DSL connection that she would be hacked. I tried to tell her that because she's on a dynamic ip, she's not even on a hacker's radar. She just wouldn't believe that they wouldn't even be concerned with her. Suggested she could install a software firewall to provide protection while the router was unplugged but she felt that they aren't adequate and she won't do it. She actually told me that she believed that I wasn't a supervisor and that I was just another tech that was put on the phone to tell her the same information. She still refused to remove the router so I told her that there was nothing we could do for her until she removed it and to call back when she was willing to cooperate, thanked her for calling and then disconnected the call.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Awww c'mom, u missed out on a great opportunity to have some fun with this one, should have told her she needed to cover her windows with Aluminium Foil or the hackers would use I.R. cameras to watch what firewall she was installing. -Digital Dogcow
  • Or you could take this lady's credit card and other info and post it on hacker sites and when she calls again complaining that she has "been hacked" tell her that even her hardware router won't prevent that. -ltu1542hvy
  • 101. He Gave Me Options? HA!
    Was on a supervisor call, I misunderstood the tech and thought the customer had our CD, but he was using the online tool to upgrade his account. So I let him interrupt me a few times, with his yelling and all that standard neeping. Then I gave him my standard response... "Sir, I understand that you are frustrated that we havent resolved this issue for you yet, but I need to ask that you keep a professional tone and refrain from interrupting me because I cant answer your questions if you do, and if you won't let me answer your questions, then there is nothing I can do to help you and this call is complete." That's when he claimed he was gonna get me fired (see EUPOTD).
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Well, forgetful me. I forgot the rest of the story! After I got him to stop interrupting me, he lets me talk, then he comes back with.. "Okay, smarty. Here's how it's gonna be. You either A. Make the tech help me fix this now, B. Ship me a CD overnight, or C. Send a tech out here to do this for free." I repeated back only the first two options to him, and he chose to get a CD sent. Put the tech on the line, but stayed on the phone and listened to the customer call me an idiot and rude and incompetent. It was pretty funny. I let the tech tell him that a CD shipment is standard ground ship USPS and takes 5-7 business days and cannot be sent any faster. -firebird2k2
  • wow, a sup that supports his techs... coolness -KuroTaka
  • Our sups back us up to. It is the best knowing that if the customer neeps and noops and wants a supervisor he will be told exactly what I have already told him. -samurai
  • 102. Oops
    Well, I guess you could say I somewhat became a (l)user today. See I havent paid my cable internet bill since November. Called when they shut off the service and paid the past due balance. LOL, thought you'd all get a kick outta that, guess not all us techies are perfect!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • You arent in the same category as a (l)user. You recongized the problem and fixed it and didn't place the blame on anyone else. -kilo
  • Hey, at least you paid the balance rather than demanding a supervisor and neeping about how you deserve free service to compesate you for downtime. -SpinyFrog
  • Or claim that you paid good money for this service so darn it they had better reconnect it. -quadrinaro
  • i get free service and 50% all pay per views and my girl order 8 dollars total i didnt' know and they shut me off.....and the sad part was I had to turn the service back on myself because the lack of knowledge here at my work place :( -irishfury
  • 103. No, I Think Not
    (L)user kept repeating over and over that him and I should make a deal. I wanted so badly to say to him "Sir, I'm not Monty Hall and this is not Lets Make A Deal."
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • At least he's already gone through Denial and Resentment... -WildKard
  • LOL Wildkard. Very good. :0) -Digital Dogcow
  • Should have made him wear a stupid costume before calling back. -TechnoVampire
  • 104. Smokin the Good Shiznit
    This lady was absolutely balls out crazy. She was convinced that our ISP was trying to get her to pay more for the service because when she signed in at the home page it only came back to the same page. This page happens to show our plan info so non-customers might sign up. The real problem was that she was not typing her info right, thus it was taking her back to that page and giving a little note in red next to the UID box telling her to try again. She was also patently sure that she was using Netscape Communicator even though she was using our custom ISP browser. Nuts.. tweaked.. loony.. flipped.. crackbaby... geezus where do these people come from?
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Communicator? Thats a new one! -techowannabe
  • err techo, there is a version called communicator =P it's got a mail client, newsgroup reader, navigator, and an html editor (fairly powerful one, at that, the only reason i used to use it). -bluesoul88
  • 105. Out of hand!
    Is anyone else tired of hearing pissed of (l)users tell you that your answer/policy/solution/whatever is 'unacceptable'? This word should be stricken from (l)user's vocabulary and anyone that uses it should automatically have their service cancelled. These people's ideas of how to run a business are so far off the wall that it's almost sickening!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • then fix it yourself is my usual response -micko210
  • I usually shrug my shoulders and go 'well, what do you think I should do?'. I can get 70% of them to give up at that point, the other 30% normally start swearing which means I can give up at that point. -CommanderData
  • My manager has told us from Day One that the correct response to "that is unacceptable" is "here's my manager's phone number". :) And he'll redefine "unacceptable" for them. Nice to have management support, eh? -Robster2001
  • The problem of course (from my user stand point) is that often times, we get lousy techs (not like any of us here), and the answer is UNACCEPTABLE. For example, I recently tried to turn up a new frame network, replacing C&W, which decided not to play in FR any more. Support's answer: your stuff is configured wrong. My answer: NO, it's not, your answer is UNACCEPTABLE. Upon escalation, I was proven right, and the circuits were built wrong. I had one site up, configure exactly the same as the 2nd, but of course, it must be MY equipment that is wrong. I now have a better feeling for what MY users go through when they talk to me. -butler1850
  • Yeah, but what about the EU's who call up, out of warranty, bitch about being charged for support then when you tell them that the modem is fried, toast, broken beyond repair, physically damaged and they need to purchase a replacement they scream at you that its "unacceptable" and demand you fix it now.... sorry man, I gave up my telekinetic powers when I came to this world. -SpinyFrog
  • The answer is "unacceptable" to you, but it's the only answer we have so you haven't much choice but to accept it. -Mushroom
  • sir denial of the facts is the first step, soon you will go through the anger phase... and then finally acceptance... muhahahah -punkgoddess
  • 106. Oooh Your A Lawyer! Scary!! :P
    Lady calls up pissed off because she's been trying to get her DSL working since October. We provided her an Alcatel USB modem which states on the package "Compatible with Windows 98, 98SE & Windows ME". Her problems started when she purchased a new computer with Windows XP pre-installed. Granted, we do have a patch that 'may' get the modem working, but we dont guarantee anything. Anyway, this lady's husband is a lawyer and he's convinced that we (ISP) are in violation of her contract because we cant support the modem we sent her under whatever OS she decides to use. Told them flat out: "Well, if you want to get right down to it you breached the contract by purchasing a computer that had an OS on it that we clearly informed you through paperwork and documentation was not supported, therefore would not work properly." Customer got pissed off and hung up.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • 3 of the modems we used to send out aren't compatible with XP. Most customers are understanding when we tell them to contact CS for a replacement. The HARD ones are the very few people who actually got those things to work for awhile on XP (they barely worked on the supported OS's). They refuse to believe that we can't/won't help them because it's an unsupported configuration. Our management says that if the manufacturer doesn't support it, neither should we. Funny how they never remember that when we ask how much longer we'll have to deal with Windows 95. -Hatedsl
  • *buys a router*. problem solved. anything else? of course this only works if one is smart enough to use a simple router -WildKard
  • My bet is she was too stupid. -firebird2k2
  • I've never seen a usb modem work with a router before. Is there some speacial router that will do this??? -sharkfin
  • UBS modems are crap. Waste of a UBS port. When I sold cable modem setups, I'd always offer then a NIC card if they didn't already have one. Much less of a pain than figuring out UBS drivers :P -paul
  • UBS roughly equal to USB of course... -Gecko
  • I know...I was trying to be funny :P -paul
  • Way to go, Firebird! Put those arrogant (l)users in their place! -TheJman
  • 107. Security Goons
    Does anyone else have a useless security company working in their building? We do and man I tell you it's startin to get on my last nerve. We had some guy come in claiming to be a repairman, he got right in and proceeded to steal shit and walk out. If a tech forgets their badge, it takes these idiots 15 minutes to write down a number and get one manager's signature before you can go in. On top of that we had people tossing down nails in our parking lot causing tires to get popped, but the only thing security did was complain to techs who parked in visitor spots after hours when it doesnt matter anyway.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • I asked one of our guards what he would do if I refused to show him my ID when entering the building, and he basically told me "Well, I don't know who your supervisor is, so not a f**k of a lot"... I feel sooooo safe... -Razordance
  • As useless as they sound, at least u HAVE security guards on site, so they would be a visual deterrant to some potential intuders. My uni centralised its Seciruty service a few years ago so we no longer have onsite security, just CCTV & swipe cards for the doors, unfortunately the swipe cards are pretty useless since intruders tend to tailgate students coming into the building. If an intuder is spotted we have to call central services and ask for security to be sent over, this often takes so long that the interloper is long gone by the time they arive. Generally its more pratical for us to gather a few co-workers & go confront the intruder & escort them out of the bulding if they have no legitimate reason to be there, but we are not allowed to detain anybody or even lay a hand on them. Consequently I wont take anything I'm not prepared to lose into work, & always lock my office when I'm not there even though iu need to pass through 3 so called "security doors' to even get to the part of the building my office is in. -Digital Dogcow
  • I work for a University as well. We have these alarm systems that when triggered, set off an alarm at Campus Police in another building halfway across campus. Now, to get to the wiring closet for our suite you have to go through this computer lab that is run and managed by another department. They have one of those security systems, but when I was new nobody told me about it, so one day I walk into the lab and set off the alarm. I called Campus Police and told them what happened, and they told me that they wills still need to send an officer over. It took this guy about 20 minutes (!) to show up. During this whole time the alarm was blaring since nobody knew how to shut it off. Once the officer showed up, he punched around on the keypad of the alarm for a while and then finally admitted that he didn't know how to shut it off either. I suggested he call the department that ran that lab, since somebody there surely must know, and he said that he would do that. Then he said that we should wait in that lab until somebody from that department comes by to turn off the alarm and "don't steal anything." So, by that time I could have cleared out the lab about 5 times over. Very helpful! I still maintain that these guys are with Campus Police, since they were not able to get jobs with a real Police department. -ltu1542hvy
  • It's nice to see others have the same worthless "security." We have this woman who sits by the door who we must show our card to upon entering. This is never a problem. The only problem is upon re-entering the building at any time you must show her again. She'll get all snippy if you don't. Uh honey, I showed you two hours ago, I didn't get fired during that time. I echo the sentiments that these rent-a-cops couldn't get an actual police job and settled for that. The building where I work is right next door to a police station, too. If she ever gets lippy with me, I'll just say "Look, you wanna be a cop? Go next door." -TheJman
  • Mwuhahah! I had some EU's telling me that he knows where I work and will come and kick my arse :) I wait for the moment when we have one of the disgruntled EU's walking in :) Here is your freaking RESTART button! Smack! Here is your TCP/IP! Bang! Here is your... -shooric
  • Half the security crew here is over 70. The joke I have with the youngest security guard (24 year old woman) is that while important areas of doing security get one paragraph in the manual, what to do if there's a car fire gets three pages. And even then, the first thing security is to do when something happens is... call their supervisor, who will take half an hour to drive over and evaluate the situation before the supervisor calls for actual help. Security here wanders down the aisles of cubes during work hours, which is unnerving and unneeded, and the justification is that part of their duties is to make sure all the windows are locked. The windows in this building don't open, and if one was broken we would have told them promptly cuz we get cold easily. :) One guard was either canned or reassigned because he'd use the company VCR (connected to satellite TV in the break room) to record hours of CNN -- and despite being told a few times there is a *working video camera* in one of the training rooms, he'd go in there to change clothes daily. -Mushroom
  • I used to work in a computer lab with fibre-optic alarms. Neat stuff. Noisy as hell, if anyone was paying attention. Anyway, one Friday night I was bored and decided to test the "response time" to a triggered alarm. After 20 minutes I'd reconnected and disabled the alarm. The campus cowboys showed up fifteen minutes later... -monitor lizard
  • Ok at my place the security guards sit right in the front of the building staring at a plethera of monitors watching everything...if your lights our on on your car than wham e-mail shoots to ya faster than anything...but why is it that cars get broken into and stuff stolen almost everyday...hmm..damn ninjas are about. Also I carry a very bright LED flashlight with me. If i forget my badge all I have to do is point the flashlight at the sensor on the otherside of the door through the windows and I'm in. -CombatChuck
  • The place we're in now has security for the office park, but not individual guards in the building. We have magnetic fobs to get into the office area, but the main door to the office is unlocked during the day. I choose to protect myself since the company won't. My old company though, they were pretty good. The data center was locked down tight with security handled by former military personnel, the front entrances were had magnetic ID cards with photo which you had to present to guards. They took their job seriously, and would block your way (and most of 'em I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley). -CelticSkyhawk
  • We have swipe cards to get in the building, thing is, people will hold the door open for anybody else coming in..and our security guard is more often than not chatting to the receptionist to pay attention. I swear I could walk out of there with a cart full of computers and no-one would notice. -CommanderData
  • I work with about 20 people, and half of us are quite well built. that's our security system (never needed to be tested out though...) -garwain
  • 108. Rocks Are Smarter
    Customer called complaining that our DSL software made his connection and his computer run very slowly. The tech helped him uninstall it and setup a regular WinXP broadband dialer. However, this wasnt good enough for the him because his computer wasnt connected as soon as his computer starts. Explained to him that our DSL software doesnt work well with XP because the PPPoE client is built in. Suggested he uninstall the software again, but customer would rather 'tinker' with it instead.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Instead of tinering with it, he should try tinkling on it - real CLOSE to the outlet... -hkypipe
  • Tell him to pop the case first... Maybe he'll hit the power supply. (Not that THAT could happen twice) -Razordance
  • 109. ISP License Agreement
    This is seriously in the EULA for the ISP I work for! YOU MAY NOT USE THE 'ISP' SOFTWARE WHILE DRIVING, BIKING, BOATING, OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY, OR ENGAGING IN ANY OTHER POTENTIALLY HAZARDOUS ACTIVITY. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR PROPERTY DAMAGE MAY RESULT FROM USE OF THE 'ISP' SOFTWARE WHILE ENGAGED IN THESE ACTIVITIES.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • lol - I am arresting you for driving under the influence of an internet service provider. -Ozone
  • WTF?, " WHILE DRIVING, BIKING, BOATING" ??? thats gonna need one farking long Cat-5 cable!. -Digital Dogcow
  • I posted this before, but for the dail up ISP I work for, we have this in the user agreement for the hour limet. "spending more than XXX hours online per month (that's an average of XX hours every day of the month), may require an alteration in your social schedule to allow more time for you to do things away from your computer and with your family and/or non-virtual friends." -nascar
  • I have one of those cell phones with built in Palm Pilot which has a POP/IMAP/SMTP email client (Multi Mail), web browser (Xiino - not this web clipping crap), and so on in it, so using "ISP software" while driving, boating, operating heavy machinery, etc. is not entirely inconceivable. It is still funny that they put that in your EULA. -ltu1542hvy
  • But who reads the EULA? Certainly not the (l)users. Hell, they can't even RTFM! -ab1normalh
  • It doesn't matter if they actually read it - they're supposed to. That's enough to protect the company from a lawsuit when some idiot cracks up his car because he was surfing the net while he was driving. -Hatedsl
  • i read that someone invented a device for attaching a laptop to the steering wheel of a car-then put in its EULA "do not use while driving"...sheesh... -Erictheblue
  • 110. Take Your VPN and Shove It
    This lady calls in pissed off because our tech disabled her VPN so that she could connect to our DSL service. When the tech told her that we cant assist her in setting that back up and that she would have to call her VPN provider for assistance, she went off. This call went through 3 supervisors.. one Sr Tech, myself and a Manager, all telling her the same thing. We dont support 3rd party software, but we do reserve the right to disable or uninstall it to make our connection work.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    111. Another "Not Burger King" Story
    Before I start.. thanks to whichever member posted that originally. I cant remember who it was, but classic man, classic! Okay here goes: Supervisor call, lady is mad because she's had packet loss on her line. Maintenance is working on the issue, but the lady wants a credit. Rather than let the tech or myself or even my supervisor transfer her there to get this credit, she has to be difficult. (L)user is insisting on getting the name & telephone# of the VP of Operations. I dont know where she got the idea to cook up such a position, but as far as I know, our company doesnt have such a person. If we do, Tech Support doesnt know nor do we care who it is. Offered to give her the name of the CEO because that's public info, but she couldnt accept that there was no number we could freely give out to call this person. After 45 minutes between the tech, myself and my manager, she eventually hung up wanting us to call Billing for her and have them call her back. So, we did, knowing what would happen. Billing says, sorry.. cant call the customer back and cant issue a credit unless she's on the line. Oh well, customer will call back even more angry than before. Hope I get her escalation again, so I can tell her that she could have already had her credit if she had played the game our way not hers.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • It's our world, baby, we just let you play in it... FOR NOW. Muahahahaaha! -Mushroom
  • 112. Once More & Louder For the Ignorant
    <rant> Took a supervisor call today because this lady didnt want to wait 24-72 hours for us to fix her DSL line issue. Explained to her about 20 times that we dont guarantee uptime on Residential or even Business Class DSL and that if that was what she wanted, she'd need to spend some real money for T1 or higher. She just didnt seem to get it, as usual. Yet another (l)user that goes on and on about how the world should revolve around them and everyone should drop what they are doing helping other people to pacify her bitch ass. </rant>
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • sounds like the (l)user I had the pleasure of talking to yesterday who wanted the FST that did their pro install to go back out to the site, they were there 10 minutes earlier and they were not up, so I call dispatch and ask that teh fst take a swing by when they are availible, when i go back to the customer she starts neeping and nopping about being down and how this is costing her thousands of dollars an hour, and THEN!, after a 10 minute neep sesion she asks me to call back to dispatch to see what the status of the FST was!!!...WTF!!! -Blizzard
  • I would dearly love to see an itemized account for all these people that claim to be losing thousands of dollars an hour (or minute!) because their computer is down. I want to know what they are doing that is so bloody profitable. To hear them tell it, they make so much money in a day that they could just buy a new computer whenever the old one breaks. -TechnoVampire
  • How they make that kind of money? haven't you seen those ads: "Looking for Computer, internet people, $100-130 per hour" lol -shooric
  • 1000 dollars per hour comes to 8.7 million dollars per year, tell that to the customer next time they lie to you like that. -kilo
  • I'd like to know what they do as well... if complete bloody morons can make 8.7 mil then imagine what we could do -Shai
  • I'd like to know what they do as well... if complete bloody morons can make 8.7 mil then imagine what we could do -Shai
  • You have to learn EUspeak, " this is costing me thousands of dollars per hour" translated into english = "I havent been able to smut surf / play casino bingo all day'. All EU's live in a bizzare fantasy world & their biggest fantasy / delusion is that lying to the tech about how important they are will somehow get their issue a priority resolution. -Digital Dogcow
  • And yet another cookie goes to Dogcow. Keep up the comedy, man. =D -bluesoul88
  • 113. Smart People Know Better
    Another supervisor call for the Hell that is the day after Christmas. Moron thinks he's smarter than he is. Has two computers running Windows XP and he says they are both Home Edition. On one PC all local login accounts are Administrators, on the other only one with the rest being Restricted Users. On this PC he cannot get to a certain page that is part of our ISP's portal. Tech and I both tried to explain to him, it's the restrictions. Neeps and nops because his other computer works fine, not understanding he's undermining his own case and proving it's the computer that's the problem. Demands we fix it, I tell him it isnt going to happen. So he changes the Restricted Users to Administrators. Pretty sure I caught him in a lie when I asked how he did that, because I mentioned the Local Users & Groups Section in Computer Management. Correct me if I'm wrong, but XP Home doesnt have that! Oh well, ended up telling him he either had to call his OEM or Microsoft because our softwware is not causing the problem, and even if it was, it works on one log in, therefore it works and was not designed for a multi-user login environment like that. Customer has the balls to ask me if that's "where I was going to leave this issue", to which I replied, "That's correct, Sir. Thank you for calling." and hung up.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • "I demand you fix this issue!" almost always translates to "I'm too stupid to realize that I've caused my own problem and too stubborn to consider the possibility that my IQ could be measured by a Centigrade thermometer." -Foyle
  • Foyle- That's giving the EU too much credit. More like their IQ could be measured on a 1 foot ruler (1ft = 12 inches for all you lucky metric system folks) -SparcMan
  • Yes, but thermometers also measure Negative values. Some of the (l)users I have run into can drain the intelligence right out of the room. Ever been the second or third tech on an issue and seen the obvious answer immediately because you had not yet been subjected to the (l)user's wholly irrational, other-worldly version of the problem? -Foyle
  • "Thank you for calling. I am now stupider for having spoken with you." -TechnoVampire
  • got to love the little red button i cant even read the rls on mine anymore -micko210
  • 114. (L)user on CRACK!!
    Customer calls in pissed off and wants to speak to a supervisor. Supervisor gets on the phone and the customer asks him who the CEO of our ISP is. Supervisor gives the customer this info and customer thanks the supervisor and says he has a few calls to make and then he hangs up. I'm thinking, if he has the number to reach the CEO, why the hell is he calling Tech Support?
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Sup gave a (l)user the CEO's number ??? OMG!, guess who's gonna be eating Raimens noodles for Xmas dinner ? -Digital Dogcow
  • Sorry if that wasnt really clear. The supervisor didnt give the customer the CEO's phone number, just his name. -firebird2k2
  • 115. We Dont Support That!
    Customer called up with a 2Wire DSL modem. For anyone not familiar with it, this 'wonderful' piece of hardware lets a (l)user connect two computers or setup a phone line network. Customer already had a phone line network setup before she got our service, so we gave her this device. Well, her modem lost sync and our techs got that fixed. She can get online with one machine, but the second PC will not browse. Had to explain to her 10 times that because the second PC is going through the phone line network and not connected directly to the modem, she needs to call 2Wire for help, because our techs arent trained in setting that up. Bothersome when a customer cannot understand that we dont know everything!!
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • I do cable isp support, I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who gets customers who just don't understand that we are not their network support. If it works on on computer, then our service is working,shut up and call the support number for that $40 router of yours that you're so sure isn't the problem. -n8
  • Yea I've run into it. Friggin' eu's with hubs and routers that call in to say that one PC works but hte other does not. Hmmmmm WAKE UP ID10T! IT'S GOING TO BE YOUR PC! -The Bard
  • The capacity for logical thought is apparently an abberation that appears in a small minority of the population. If you work with, for, or under someone with this ability, you are fortunate. If all three are true, you have reached nirvana. (And two of you are over-qualified.) -Foyle
  • As a general rule, I assume that everyone is an idiot. Exceptions are usually a temporary hiccup in the laws of probability. -TechnoVampire
  • My policy when people are asking me for advice while using the words 'network' 'computerS' and 'internet' together is to repeat over and over "Yes, but the network will be YOUR responsiblity, not the ISP". I hope at least a few of them got it to make lives easier for you guys... or else maybe that "technical stuff" made them forget why they wanted it in the first place. -WildKard
  • firebird, you work for a company that is contracted to a baby bell??? -sharkfin
  • 116. Miracles Do Happen
    Caller stated that he was an MCSE. Yet, it wasnt a typcial call. This guy actually admitted that while he could do anything in Windows, he was patently lost when it came to anything else.
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Yup! that sounds like one of the Micro$haft Clown School Educated to me. Although its not really usual to get them to admit how useless they are. Maybe he was off sick when they did the Denial Module???. -Digital Dogcow
  • What MCSE course should cover - Step 1, get asked if you know anything about any kind of computer software. Step 2, say NO. Simple really. Now I have to go and hide from any MCSEs there are around... -CommanderData
  • 117. Hey those of you in *meep* *meep* cable!
    Not a call, actually have a question. Man Hawk we need a message board :P. I had cable at my old apartment, but have recently moved. The new apartment, cable tv, etc. isnt in my name so I cant keep my account, according to Customer Service. I havent disconnected my service yet, so just for kicks I plug in the modem at the new apartment. To my surprise, it works, I can get online. So I have a question for anyone who works in *meep* *meep* cable internet service. Since the service works off the MAC address of the modem, wont the service keep working as long as I pay my bill?2002-12-10
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Since it goes by the MAC address, yes. And you can even change from Roadrunner to Earthlink without a stop in service too. -Mushroom
  • That's good to know. I am not surprised that what I was told by Customer Service was wrong. Seems they are always staffed by the technically inept. -firebird2k2
  • It will work but if your in a different node alltogether then it may get sproatic... Had a Eu move to a different town that we do service, plug in teh mdoem and away he went... Never called us to say that he changed addresses or anything. About a month ago he calls in to say that his modem is sporatic... I get his old phone # and notice that the accnt was closed off but the previous case notes stated that the mdm wasn't turned in..... took a look and sure enough the accnt was working... X-ferred him to billing since he was getting free service....LoL... Another Eu lived in a appartment. Since the appt was supposidly being remodled the complex offered to move him to another appt... (go figure) He plugged up everything and away he went without issues.... Oh well.... -The Bard
  • Yea, makes sense. It's the account holders that actually call in with all the correct info and in plenty of time to get things set up for a move that they f*ck-up and disconnect.... -obie099
  • 118. Things to NOT call Tech Support About
    A friend of mine had this call today. USER:I'm frustrated, it's taking me 2 whole days to download movies TECH:Are you on dial up, sir? USER:Yes, I am. TECH:What are you downloading from, Sir? USER:Kazaa. TECH:Sir, we cant support that program, and just in case your not aware, most of the content you download from there is illegal. USER:Oh... um.. okay, bye. *click*2002-12-03
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • EU: "It's taking days to download this movie!" him: And how large is this file? EU: "One point two gigabytes." him: And you're on dialup? EU: "Yes. Anything I can do to speed this up?" him: Yes, go to the store and rent the video. -Mushroom
  • 119. It's Been Awhile
    Well, I can say it's been too long since I have taken a supervisor call like this. The guy was using an unsupported router and we managed to get him to disconnect it, but he refused to install our software to test his stand alone computer connection. So when I explain to him that he has to install that or we cannot troubleshoot any further he goes into his rant about how he knows it's a line issue and that he wants the problem escalated or he would cancel the service. To that I responded, "Sir, threatening to cancel your service has no bearing on our policies and we still need to do proper troubleshooting." The call was pretty much over at that point. Of course he's going to call and cancel, and chances are pretty high that the Cancellation Department will kiss his ass and keep him as a customer, but oh well.2002-12-02
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • <rant mode on> If the software you put on is ANYTHING like the hard drive filling dross NTL installation CDs contain I don't blame him. Gearbox ( one of their dial-up progs) sticks itself EVERYWHERE in the registry & is a pain to uninstall. Ntl would have you run their dialler & interface - it even sets the "never dial a connection" in IE to discourage the casual hacker from circumventing use of their crappy interface.<rant mode off> -lineswine
  • 120. Make Them Live Their Lies Pt 1
    Guy calls in, one of our very good female techs gets the call. Says he has a slow speed issue with his DSL. Download speed over 600kbps, upload speed over 60kbps. Ping the customer 100 times with a packet size of 1482 and get 0% packet loss. Gets 5/5 on the line quality test. Have the tech tell him that sine there isnt anything wrong with the line we cant escalate the issue and that his speed is within acceptable ranges for his DSL. He will need to call his OEM to check Winsock files and MTU settings. Customer gets mad and asks to speak to a supervisor, so I get on the line and explain the same thing to him. Of course, he doesnt like my answer. Seems to think that because he is a network admin for another DSL provider, he knows more than I do. Gets into how he had no problem until he installed a Linksys router, which he's not using anymore. Well, he installed the software for it on both of his computers, probably causing his problem by messing up his MTU settings in the registry or something. Wont call his OEM, wont call Linksys and he asks to speak to my supervisor. Get him on the line, and he tells the customer the same thing. In the meantime, the luser gets caught in two lies! Says his OEM isnt Dell, as he stated before and that he built his computer. So my supervisor tells him to call Microsoft. Luser immediately says he already has, so to trap him once more by asking him what troubleshooting they did with him.2002-11-07
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • those oem's have gotta have that bofh thing down pat. i mean you obviously know what hell it is to get [l]users to call them. and they dont cheat like microsoft charging up the arse for your time either -daeglo
  • 121. Make Them Live Their Lies Pt 2
    Of course, a crowd has now gathered around the managers phone to listen to the call. The luser begins telling my manager troubleshooting steps that our technician helped him with on this very call, saying they are the steps that Microsoft helped him with. To get him again, he asks the guy for Microsofts case# that they assigned to him for that call. Of course he doesnt have it because he didnt call them. Surprise, surprise. At this point the guy asks to speak to my managers supervisor. Getting a bit out of hand right? Well, thats our centers policy and it sucks. Oh well, what can I do? The next highest up manager takes the call and tells the guy the same exact thing. Still not listening. This manager asks him straight up why Microsoft doing those troubleshooting steps were satisfactory to him, but our tech doing the same thing wasnt. No answer from the LUSER. Now he's talking about how the problem started before he installed the Linksys router and how all we do is read out of a book and other bullshit. Senior manager ended up offering to conference call Microsoft for him after he found the case# and called us back.2002-11-07
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    122. Make Them Live Their Lies Pt 3
    So after the call was done, we made sure if he called back his call wouldnt be escalated to repair for a line issue he doesnt have. Logged all the case notes from each portion of the supervisor call and had one of our Escalations group agents paste EVERY scrap of detail from the line test utility we have into the ticket notes to PROVE that he didnt have a line issue. I will post again tommorrow if he calls back again!2002-11-07
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Smack 'im! Just bloddy smack 'im! -hkypipe
  • I meant bloody... -hkypipe
  • Or smack him bloody! :) -Mushroom
  • 123. He Just Wants His Camfreaks
    LUSER: I cant send files with PalTalk and I want you to fix it. ME(SUP CALL): Can you connect to the internet? LUSER: Yes. ME: Can you browse web pages? LUSER: Yes. ME: Can you send and receive email? LUSER: Yes. ME: Did you get PalTalk from us? LUSER: No. ME: Then you need to call the vendor for support just like my technician said. Our techs arent trained in that program, so this issue is not our problem. LUSER: See, that's why I'm switching providers, you people dont do shit. ME: Sir, use profanity again and I'll disconnect your call. This is your only warning. LUSER hangs up in frustration.2002-11-07
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • LOL, I would have ignored the profanity and wished him good luck in finding an ISP that supports EVERY thrid party piece of internet software. -Deep Logic
  • 124. I Dont Want To Bother
    Customer called in to check on the status of a DSL repair ticket. The ticket was closed because the problem was something to do with her inside wiring which we dont fix. She had the wire maintenance plan to fix it, but rather than call them to have a tech come out, she wanted to cancel her DSL. Go figure. 2002-10-29
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    125. Sure, it will still work....
    EU: My DSL light is off on my modem. TECH: Ok, we need to powercycle the modem. EU: Ive already done that and it didnt work. TECH: Do you have a splitter on the wall jack your modem is connected to? EU: No. TECH: Okay we will need to escalate this issue so repair can find the problem and fix it. Is the DSL telephone number a good contact number? EU: Well that line was disconnected....2002-10-21
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • LOL...get that all the time, or they switched ILEC's and cant understand why thier DSL doesn't work. -Blizzard
  • 126. WHAT THE F***?
    TECH: Thank you for calling DSL Support, how may I help you? EU: I want to disconnect my service. TECH: Ok, may I ask why? EU: Yes, it is too fast. TECH: Okay. (transfers call to disconnects) ** This wasnt my call, but one of our techs DID have this call today!! **2002-10-15
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • I remember someone saying that to me at the store one day. I was shocked. -LadiesMan402
  • That's like someone buying, say, a Mini instead of a Mustang because the Mustang is too fast. I laugh. -Jaysen
  • 127. Man does that suck?
    Another tech had this call today. Customer called in because their rented computer was reposessed because of non payment. The person that came to take it also took their DSL modem and now that company wont give it back. The customer called us to see if we could replace the modem. Of course not, they have to buy a new one. Man if that were me, I'd be pressing charges against that company for stealing my propertly.2002-10-15
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Same here -- pray tell, how did the repo guys decide the cable modem was part of their package? And the other question of course is, why would you be paying for DSL if a) the computer isn't YOURS and b) you can't PAY for the computer? -Mushroom
  • Mushy... when u worship the god of pr0n then the end result is all that matters...in a few weeks CNN will have a story of a feral looking human guarding one of the local libraries free access pc's...probably building a fort from empty kleenex boxes as I type -nomoretears
  • Still, say you have a truck and own a trailer and the trailer is hooked up and you get behind on the truck payments. If they take the trailer with the truck they are stealing and if they don't give it back, they can be charged with theft right? -SparcMan
  • nomo' - Already seen that story. My wife works at a library with 8 public terminals. Hilarity ensues. -Mushroom
  • 128. Never Satisfied
    Took a supervisor call from this lady who wanted to neep at me because when we changed our phone options recently, we removed her ability to press 0 to get to a live rep who would then transfer her to the proper department. She feels that it's poor customer service for her to have to press phone options to get to a department. She also, in her infinite wisdom, thinks that all issues should be handled by one department. She originally called because she wanted to transfer her DSL from her old telephone# to her new one. When I explained to her that we have phone options and different divisions to help her, not to hinder her. I told her that there are specialized devisions to make sure that someone qualified was available to answer her call in a relatively quick manner. Yes, mostly BS. Didnt work however, as expected. I asked if she could understand this notion and she said that she couldnt and hung up. Figures!2002-10-07
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    129. Clueless co-worker!
    Had to take a supervisor call because this lady from the DSL Sales department refused to talk to the tech. Seems the Luser calling in is a lawyer and since he had DSL installed, he cant fax out anymore. The Sales rep wanted the tech to open a ticket for a truck roll so a tech could go out there and fix the problem. The tech comes to ask me and I told him to tell her we cant do that because if he's too stupid to put a filter on his fax machine, its very much not our problem and Repair wont roll a truck for that. I got on the phone and find out that the Luser is even willing to pay for the truck roll, to which I explained, thats wonderful, but they still wont do it because we dont do anything to fix that problem except tell him to move the fax machine to a different line and put a fricking filter on it. I had the tech call Repair to have that done and the Repair rep had to stop laughing long enough to tell the tech it wasnt something they did. Tech tells the Sales rep this, and she hangs up on him. She probably called back in again, but it doesnt matter.. she will get the same answer. Morons!2002-09-27
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • 10,000 disclaimers, and they still don't pay attention. I inherited a customer who couldn't sign up because her system couldn't detect a dial tone, at the end of the day today. She wanted high speed access, and she went out and signed up for ATTBI, but not cable, digital phone service. She got the runaround; but couldn't cancel, so went to us instead. Nobody at ATTBI bothered to tell her that she wouldn't be able to use any service but their hi-speed with their equipment, because her analog modem was to slow to work with digital telecom. Oops. -MadJack
  • 130. Learn the local language dammit!
    Okay, I am sick of this!! I just took a call from someone who couldnt get on their DSL and I could hardly help them troubleshoot because he spoke broken English. They passed the phone around the entire family until one of them understood what I was saying and we finally got their issue escalated. I dont care what country your from, if you move to a different country and plan on doing any kind of business with anyone, it would be a bright idea to learn the local language for the love of everything holy! I dont know bout the rest of you, but I'm in the US and I think that people should be required to learn English to live here!2002-09-24
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • try living in texas. Every other person that calls me speaks Spanish and have little or no comprehension of the English language. So I would have to agree with you. -undeadgothslave
  • I have an EU whose an overseas student, from Gabon, West Africa, lovely guy, soooo polite & well mannered its untrue (puts the locals here to shame), understands English perfectly. The only problem is his accent is so bloody THICK that I have to ask him to repeat himself 5 or 6 times every time he asks me a question. Several times I've even needed to go so far as to ask him to write it down. -Digital Dogcow
  • What I'd really like to know, is what the story on how "bloody" got to be a curse word only in the UK??? -obie099
  • well strictly speaking, it isnt used just in the UK, its a quite common term amongst Aussies & the Kiwi's as well. -Digital Dogcow
  • It comes from a Medieval curse: "God's blood" later shortened to "'sblood". Kindof like swearing by "Saint Peter's hairy balls". -notpitr
  • 131. Yet another clueless
    2002-09-18
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Hmmm seems invisible ink is quite common here lately. Anyone else having problems posting content? At first I thought it was just Internet Explorer, but now it seems Netscape is having the same issue. Lets act like our lusers and blame everything on the server! LoL -firebird2k2
  • Gotta love the irony in the title of this one (heh heh j/k) - did u try to use " " in the title by any chance, reading through past posts in the archive it looks like there may be an issue with doing that here. -Digital Dogcow
  • 132. More Sup-call Goodness
    Take a sup call today from this luser who signed up for DSL because he prequalified, thinking that meant something more than a salesman wants a commission. After waiting the neccessary 11 days for turnup, nothing happened. Called in, had a ticket put in for repair so they could find out what happened. Seems he's just a touch too far out from the Central Office to be wired for DSL. Oh well, explain situation to customer and he goes apeshit because he was not called to be told this, yadda yadda, ongoing neepage. Let him go on for about two minutes, let him curse once, didnt interrupt. When I got my first chance to talk, I explained to him that he would refrain from swearing, keep a civil tone and not interrupt me or I would disconnect the call. Explained to him the myriad reasons why a prequalify for DSL is bullshit and the final distance test before turnup is the one that matters. Of course, luser didnt care.. in one ear and out the other. So, gets to him telling me he's cancelled his old dial up service and what should he do to get online. Playing the part of company shill for a minute, I suggest our new dial up service to him. I, of course, sense his anger level ratchet up a notch. So, he gets ballsy and asks me what I would do if put in his situation and tells me he wants my HONEST answer, all company BS aside. I ask him if he truly wants my honest answer, knowing this is my chance to really just burn his brain. Meanwhile techs behind me are laughing so hard they have to walk away from their stations so the customer cannot hear. So luser says that he for sure wants my honest opinion. My answer? "Sir, if I were in your position I woulndt have canceled my working internet service until my new service was activated.". Luser replies in shock, knowing I have made him feel like the idiot he is without saying one cross word, "You are an asshole" and then he hangs up. GGGOOOOAAAALL!!! Score: Tech - 1, Luser - 0! ;)2002-09-14
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • w00t! -hkypipe
  • dudes just mad because he wont have a fast connection to download porn -postal tech
  • HE SHOOTS!!!! HE SCORES!!! -undeadgothslave
  • 133. On the Other End of the Phone
    Not a tech support experience, but thought I'd mention it all the same. Bought a ticket to a concerr online at TicketMaster's website. Never got the ticket. Used the process they have in place, the email form if I dont receive the ticket. I tried that 3 times.. Ended up having to miss the concert, and I have yet to hear back anything from my emails. So I call them today and the first guy I get is an asshole. No refund for me because I wasnt as persistent in trying to contact them as I should have been. So his supervisor it goes. She doesnt even give me a chance to talk, she's loud and rude telling me that there's no chance of me getting a refund because I didnt do what I was supposed to do. This bitch wont even let me talk, and knowing how to take supervisor calls, I of course didnt swear or even raise my voice. I asked her once if she would allow me to say something without her interrupting me and she hung up!! I was so PISSED. I called back to another office and the rep there helped me no problem after I explained the situation, and processed my refund. I asked to speak to her supervisor and I explained to him what had happened and thanked him for his employee being able to do her job properly and such. You know you have to see that the good ones get the recognition they deserve! I still will never buy tickets online again, and I wouldnt recommend it to anyone.2002-09-14
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Funny, I've purchased tickets throught ticketmaster.com w/o any problems. I guess this was just one of those "rare" screwups. -kman52000
  • I used to work for TM (Still got the water-mug) and it's a farm of under-paid, under-washed, over-heated bodies that get told they aren't allowed breaks because too many people are calling. Virginia's a right-to-work state. You'd be scared to know what that entitles employers to. I don't condone what that person did, but there are two call centers for the East coast, so you probably talked to this one first, then the New York office. Calling to buy tickets and buying them online are identical in the TM computer systems. -Snowolf
  • Changing the topic, considering that VA is a right to work, if that gives employers major freedoms, I'd hate to see what the differences between 'right to work' and 'at will' are. -MadJack
  • 134. The Joys of Supervisor Calls (part 1)...
    Today, during one of my stints as a backup roamer/senior tech, I had the joy of taking a supervisor call. Actually, when I'm roaming, I try to take all the supervisor calls because I'm an sick evil bastard, but I digress. Luser has a Linksys router and has called three times today, being biligerent, etc. and speaking with a supervisor each time because he feels it's unneccessary to remove the router and connect his DSL modem directly to his computer. So I get on the call and let him berate me with his ton of neepage. After letting him rant, I reply to him that we dont provide assistance for his DSL the way he has it configured because our techs arent trained to do so, yadda, yadda, you all probably know the drill. He decides when I start to talk that he's going to start repeating the same story over and over and interrupt me. Sorry, pal, that's something I dont tolerate. So I bust out with "Sir, I'm going to ask you once and once only. I allowed you to and am continuing to allow you to make your point and complete sentences without interrupting you. I require that you extend the same courtesy to me in order for this conversation to continue." Anyway, this twit starts going off about how he feels that that's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard because a router is a router and which brand it is shouldnt matter. Oh, and of course, Sales told him that he could use the router with his DSL. So I make it a point to stress to him that while it is PHYSICALLY possible to connect and use a router with his service, we dont help him set it up that way, end of story.Customer now decides he will berate and belittle me because apparently, in his little world when something is outside Scope of Support, it means all our techs are too stupid to learn how to use it. Went round and round with this guy for like 30 minutes and finally told him it was either disconect the router and use our software to connect or my conversation with him was over. Of course, throughout, I maintained a calm even tone, knowing it would only serve to make him more angry. Came to the point where I pulled up the web copy of our DSL provider's Terms Of Service and read the parts related to his issue to him in all it's babbling legalese mumbo jumbo. He thought that our ToS and Scope of Support were faulty and that we should revise them because so many people use routers these days. I had the pleasure of using one my favorite analogies: "So, along those same lines, car company A should start repairing car company B's cars simply because so many people drive them?" Boy did he hate that. Did I mention I'm an evil bastard? LoL.2002-09-12
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    135. The Joy of Supervisor Calls (part two)..
    Finally customer agreed to disconnect the router and use our software to connect to test it.. but he didnt want to talk to me anymore, wanted to talk to my boss. Okay, no big deal, but just HAD to let him know that he's going to do nothing more than repeat the same info I've given him because no matter how high up the food chain you wish to go, Scope of Support doesnt change. I kinda feel bad for the other roamer though, because he was on that call for close to two hours, only to repeat the same information I had already told this guy a million times and to walk him through the software on his machine. I dont know how it ended because I lost interest, the last I heard, the customer was being given the corporate address to write to. You know what that means. He's going to write a big long complaint letter that will be the talk of the break room when they receive it and then will conveniently be forgotten once he has been sent a kindly worded form letter... "Thank you for your input regarding our Terms of Service and Scope of Support. Your suggestions will be taken under consideration the next time our policies are reviewed. Thank you for choosing DSL Company Internet Service......." LoL... if only this guy would have been polite and cooperative, I would have gladly helped him do some basic troubleshooting for his router.. but he had to be an @$$hole.. oh well, back to the fun. Sorry this was so long, but it needed saying!!2002-09-12
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  • If he had spent .10 as much time LEARNING as he did neeping, he could have addressed the problem himself. To know nothing is bad, to LEARN nothing is worse... -hkypipe
  • 136. The Great Smackdown
    Guy calls in, he's installed our new ISP software *yodel*, and he hates it because it slows down his computer. So he proceeds to lay into me with loud major neepage. So, like the asshole I am, I very calmly (kill em with kindness) tell him that in order for me to help, he will need to remain calm, professional and refrain from swearing. After about 30 minutes of removing new crapware and setting up his connection to work just like it used to before migrating to our new service. Fixed his Outlook Express and he can connect and get his mail. I take a minute to calmy let him know he should call in and be polite no matter how mad he is and I ask him.. "If I called you in the same mood you called me in what would you do?" to which he replies, "I would have hung up on you. I apologize, I was being a dick." Another successful bitch slap.2002-09-04
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  • or just say ok you be a bitch i be a bitch and see how fast your issue is resolved -tominbangor
  • Tech: 1. Dick: 0. -Mushroom
  • its great when you can get the eu to apologise for being a prick -danielm
  • 137. I'm really not surprised
    Customer calls me because she's setting our new Yahoo co-branded ISP software on MacOS 9. The last tech helped her install it and she was able to connect, but now when she starts her computer, it's locking up at a message: "FreePPP Connection Status". Turns out, the tech had her uninstall FreePPP because it is incompatible with our software.. then after getting off the phone with the tech, this lady reinstalled FreePPP, causing her own damned problem. Of course, when I politely explained to her that this was not something we could assist her in fixing because her computer was not functioning normally, she got mad. Started spouting about how it was our problem because our software wasnt as easy to use as it was advertised. I agreed with her that it can be a bit more daunting on a Mac, but that that had nothing to do with her problem. I flatly told her that she had caused her own issue and that she would need to call Apple to fix it. She called me rude and unhelpful and hung up. Score!!2002-08-12
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Don't you just love Apple Lusers? "They are so reliable, they never crash! By-the-way, I get this error screen when I start my computer, 'cannot find ?? files, will need to reboot.'" -nutz2bhere
  • It's as the Mac guru here said: when a Mac works, it works great, and when it doesn't work, you're gonna have to reinstall the operating system to fix it. -Mushroom
  • Yeah, I've re-installed the OS on a Mac on more than a hundred occasions in my *personal* life. And that's back when it was Sys 6.0.8 and 7.x! The things were never really made to tweak too much... Those were the days, huh? -racermd
  • All I have to say is ... I HATE THAT @#!!$&* DISK. Cant they just settle on a version and be #%$^& done with it?! I am on the MAC support for mentioned ISP... and they just keep creating new things for us to figgure out on the fly.. YEH!!! -Mad Eraser
  • 138. Can they get any more stupid?
    Couldnt get into DSL last week because of an outage, so she uses dial up all week. Calls today because she tried the DSL and it's still not working. Her area is having an outage again. Of course, she's upset because she thinks that it's been broken all this time, but how would she know, she hasnt tried it? What does this lady do if her car breaks, ride her bike until the car fixes itself?? Damn!2002-07-31
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • That's better than the business customers calling up to tell you that you will get the service back up and running even though there is an outage specifically in their area -Eugene
  • 139. Ever consider upgrading?
    EU: "My IBM Thinkpad from 1997 with 24MB of RAM & a 150MHz CPU will still work on DSL even though the requirements for the software are 64MB of RAM & a 200MHz CPU or better, right?" ME: "No, ma'am."2002-07-30
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • You tell them the specs, they still ask. You give it to them IN WRITING, they don't believe. Guess you have to draw pictures - If you PC looks like Fred Flintstone may have owned it, it WILL NOT WORK FOR BROADBAND... -hkypipe
  • I'm pretty sure I work for the same ISP as you, and this call reminds me of the customer on windows 95, and way below all other said limits who asked me if it would work, because he intentionally lied when they asked his system requiremetns online when he signed up. I had to mute the customer because I was laughing so hard, and I wonder if they will disconnect him with no early disconnect fee for being an idiot. I think not! :) -Angelgrl
  • 140. Another Day Trading Jackass
    ME: "So, sir am I understanding correctly that you are using a consumer service to make a profit and run a business?" USER: "Yes, that's correct and I expect it to be fixed today!" ME: "Well, sir here are your options: One, you can wait until service is restored or two I can notify billing that you are violating our TOS agreement by using the service to run a business and we will terminate your account. Which one sounds like a better idea to you?" USER: "Ill call back tommorrow if it's not working." ME: "Good idea sir, thank you for calling."2002-06-24
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  • The "kill an ant with a sledgehammer" technique - I like it! -hkypipe
  • We get that a lot her too, One customer was running a DHCP server, He forgot to unhook everything when he called in. He had 2 pervious violations for statically assigning his IP. Well, Now he is no longer w/ us. He was a jerk to me, so I finally was able to get some payback. -Irish
  • 141. Typical daytrader @$$hole!!
    Guy calls up our DSL ISP with an open maintanance ticket. Just called it in this morning and is expecting it to be fixed today. When I tell him that work will begin tommorrow on the issue, he starts rambling off his typical crap about losing $1500 a day and such. Said rambling goes in my deaf third ear and I continue the call, letting him know that he should call back tommorrow evening to get more information. Then this brilliant individual starts telling me that he's been having problems with slow browsing since he got the service six months ago. So because I feel like being an asshole I tell him "Well Sir, if the slow browsing issue is so important to you, how come you've only called about it three times in six months? Must not be all that important." He didnt much like that, but I didnt care at all, I had had enough of his crap.2002-06-20
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  • I had that with a dialup customer screaming about frequent disconnects that have been happening for 2 months. Needless to say it was a POS computer with a POS OS and a POS modem. Her reason for never calling us about the problem? She was too angry to be civil. -Hatedsl
  • Been there, done that. Just had one a couple of days ago. Had a communications problem between his NIC and the modem, but didn't want to believe it wasn't the modem. Took him four days to coldboot his PC, at which point the NIC woke up. He called and neeped at me for twenty minutes before I found out that HE WAS ALREADY BACK ONLINE, and just wanted to complain that it was our fault. Needless to say, I opened up with both barrels... -hkypipe
  • I swear to god I've talked to this guy before as well, except I work for a dial up only internet company, and the EU is calling in complaining he lost thousands of dollars because he tried to get on and the line was busy, and he expects me to reimburse him (yeah right) I hate people sometimes -TambourineMan
  • 142. Overtime? Yeah, right!!
    Okay, folks, this wasnt me. Just overheard it now and had to share!! One of my co-workers is talking to a manager about going home because his shift is over. Manager asks if he wants to stay for overtime (right now we have unlimited overtime because it's so damned busy). Technician promptly laughs and says "Drop dead!" and walks out the door. Of course, this was said as a joke. Had about 5 techs around him laughing and reaching for the mute button!!2002-06-18
    [By: firebird2k2]
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  • Of course it's busy, and of course you're "not understaffed". Squeeze more blood out of your techies instead of hiring more help, that's the answer! It's not like they won't all quit on you and f*ck you over... :) -rynn
  • just remeber to leave you pet worm when you walk off the job ;) -virusjtg
  • Which pet worm? And BTW, if you've got so much OT, send some our way! We're still not working more than 30 hours a week around here! -MadJack
  • 143. You want WHAT??
    This guy couldnt get his email. So while I was troubleshooting his problem, he starts telling me about how his wife is cheating with all these guys she met on the internet and how he wants to get out of his one year service contract with us because he thinks that if it werent for our DSL service, she wouldnt have done this. Sir, I hate to tell you this, but if your wife is cheating on you she's gonna do it offline if she cant do it online. Perhaps you should get off the Everquest and give her some much needed attention. Cook her some meals, take her out sometimes, help her clean the house sometimes? Sheesh.2002-06-17
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    144. Sexist Pig (L)User
    Back about two years ago I was a roaming L2 tech for an OEM (MOOO!!). One of the only ladies that worked the account, who just happened to be a good friend of mine came up to me in tears and told me she had a supervisor call. After taking a few minutes to calm her down, I ask her what is wrong. It turns out that the guy on the phone was insulting her, telling her that because she is a woman, she has no business teching a call and that she doesnt know anything and other sexist crap. Well, I got on the phone and first thing he did was start yelling at me and cursing her and telling me that he wanted his problem fixed by a man because only men know how to deal with machines and it's not a woman's place. I interrupted him and quite loudly and rudely told him that his sexist attitude would not be tolerated and that if he wanted his problem fixed that he would be speaking to the same tech and only the same tech unless he wanted to call back in. After another bout of him spouting off at the mouth, which I also interrupted, I told him very simply that since he was unwilling to work with the technician, there was no need for me to continue our conversation, and I promptly hung up on him. At that time, the Cow had a relatively obscure policy of suspending support for customers if they were excessively abusive. I called up Customer Service and was not surprised to find out that this was not the first time he had been rude. Well, I hope he learned his lesson (probably not, he is a (l)user afterall.) because that call earned him a 30 day suspension of his free technical support.2002-05-26
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • Unfortunately, he probably missed getting his problem fixed very quickly by the person helping him. One thing I've found is that techs are always wanting to fix a real problem, and don;t like NOT fixinf a problem. Sometimes though the problem lies in the moron on the other end of the phone and not the machine, as it would seem in this case. The guy should have been BANNED from his tech support. -WarTyger
  • What? Like kitchen appliances aren't machines? *ducking* -rootMonk
  • it is always best to remember that cobol was written by a woman. for those that don't know, cobol is original programing languages. you should have also have appologised for bruising his ego because he lacked the technical expertise of a woman, that always gets them. -davonds
  • Had one simular to this awhile back, except it was a woman who called in, and refused to trouble shoot with a coworker of mine who is a female and demanded to speak with a man. Stange. -n8
  • 145. Greatest Supervisor Call Ever!!
    Back in those same days mentioned in my last story when I was working for the Cow's tech support, a had the chance to listen in to friend of mine's supervisor call. This guy wanted us to send a tech out to backup his information, run the Restoration CD and then make sure all his settings were configured as he had them. Now take into account, this guy was a bit eccentric, but still funny as hell. No lie, the best part of the exchange went down just like this: L2: "How can I help you, Sir?" LUSER: "I want someone to come out here and reload my computer... yadda yadda yadda, blab blab blab" L2: "I'm sorry, Sir, we can't do that because it isnt an option I have at my disposal." LUSER: "Well, you will make an exception for me." L2: "Let me consult my magic eight ball. I'm sorry, Sir, but all signs point to NO on that one." This went on for about five more minutes and the L2 ended up hanging up on him for being abusive. Of course, he thanked him for calling :P2002-05-26
    [By: firebird2k2]
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    Comments

  • Well, maybe not THE greatest Sup call ever, but the greatest one I've heard in person in my four years on the phones. -firebird2k2
  • Let me consult my magic 8 ball? That would be a great way to confuse an EU wouldn't it? Them: "can you tell me how to fix it?" Me: "Reply fuzzy, please ask again" -Sky42
  • I prefer this: "Hmm, let me think about it NO!" -Mushroom
  • 146. My ISP is serving me pr0n!!!
    EU: "Your service is causing my browser to bring up pornographic web pages." ME: "Could you please be more specific?" EU: "I have this disgusting adult site on my screen and the title bar says 'Internet Explorer provided by (ISP name removed)'." ME: "Actually ma'am, all that means is that you setup our service on your computer using the CD you got in the mail. That CD brands your Internet Explorer with our name." EU: "Oh, well, it has to be you guys because no one in my house would view such filth." ME: "Who uses the computer?" EU: "Me and my 12 year old son. He's been raised better and would never look at this type of thing." ME: "Oh, right, it's got to be a fluke. Restart your computer. Does it happen anymore?" EU: "No." ME: "Ok, your all set. Thanks for calling." Anyone want to hazard a guess as to how this happened? I bet dollars to donuts that it was little Billy. Any takers on that bet? LOL2002-04-29
    [By: firebird2k2]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • 30-1 on the guy, just to bring some opposition -LadiesMan402
  • He's been raised better?? Hmmm... right... a preacher's children are saints! -WarTyger
  • I dated a preachers daughter once she was a real......saint =) -Pantera
  • I had that character too, his 13 year old son would NEVER put all those porn sites in the History... -Mushroom
  • Customer Misconceptions


    1. I got my computer in 2003, so it must have come with Windows 2003! [2005-04-09]

    2. If you ask to be transferred to Tier 2 immediately as you are insulting me and any other tech you have spoken to before. [2003-10-23]

    3. If you purchase a DSL modem from a company, then change your computer and now that modem is not compatible, we will not only be glad to send you a new modem free of charge, but we are required to do so! [2003-07-21]

    4. The customer is always right. [2002-12-02]

    5. The world itself revolves around each caller so anything they say goes. [2002-12-02]

    6. In response to 1893. that is partially true. If they are using broadband on a 200MHz PC w/ 32MB of RAM and only 100MB of free HD space and Windows 95 that they have never defragmented, scandisked, cleared temp files or done any other general maintenance then a new computer would download faster because it would be in better working order. [2002-11-16]

    7. Your ISP will GLADLY send a tech out for FREE to install the integrated NIC in your OEM computer. [2002-10-22]

    8. Yelling and screaming at me right from the start of the call and telling me how your service has sucked so bad is SO going to make me want to fix your problem all that much faster! [2002-09-24]

    9. When asked to remain professional and not yell so that I can help you by doing my job, asking for a supervisor will get you one and not a frickin dial tone. [2002-09-24]

    10. Tech support likes holding your hand through a simple wizard program to migrate your account from your old service to our new service, up to and including telling you which information you should enter when it asks you for things that would be personal preferences. Oh and that NEXT button.. yeah, it does exactly what it says, so go ahead and ask if you should click it anyway. GGRRRRR [2002-09-18]

    11. A salesperson telling you that you can get DSL is more reliable than when the technician actually wiring it denies your service because your too far from the LCO. [2002-09-18]

    12. I tell those loozers that it's not possible to remove all of that material from your machine without formatting. When they learn what that involves, they get all pissy and blame me, to which I say, "I'm not the one surfing the sites, Sir, it's not my fault." Wow, I am truly evil. [2002-09-03]

    13. The Internet Explorer application taking 5 minutes to open is an ISP issue. [2002-08-27]

    14. If Bonzi Buddy keeps coming up and blocking you from surfing the web or checking your email, but you can connect, that's certainly your ISP's problem and we'll help you fix it no problem!! [2002-07-31]

    15. If you cant hear me%252C its got to be my phone and I will yell loud rather than have you turn your phone up or have you turn down your TV or whatever background noise you have going. [2002-07-25]

    16. In response to 1590 & 1591, just another example of EU's not bothering to think or read. Also, we can kind of blame Microsoft for this. Example: Consumer OS - Win3.1, Win3.11, Win95, Win98, WinME. Business/Network OS - WinNT, Win2000, WinXP. They changed the designation on the consumer version to LETTERS where it had always been NUMBERs and vice versa. Thus confusing further the already befuddled morons we must deal with. [2002-07-10]

    17. We really do care you are a day trader and are losing money if your service is down. We should expedite your repair order simply because you are stupid and use a consumer service with no uptime or speed guarantees to run your business. [2002-06-20]

    18. My ISP should give me a credit for downtime when the downtime was caused by problems with her OS not our service. [2002-06-16]

    19. The 'Next' button actually goes to the next screen. [2002-06-05]

    20. It's the ISP's fault when he messes up creating Identities in Outlook Express and nukes three years worth of emails and address books and cant recover them because he, of course, has no backup. [2002-05-28]

    21. Because you have checked the 'Save Password' box on your connector, and then forgotten it, the tech you call automatically knows it. Hello!! Security reasons, we can only reset it, I have no freakin clue what your password is!! [2002-04-29]

    22. I am so tired of this!! How can people think that if they get disconnected from someone, the next person they get can reconnect them. Usually these people have nothing more than the last tech's first name. "Yeah, I was talking to Bob, but I was cut off, can you put me back to him?" NO!! [2002-04-28]

    Tech Rules


    1. The 5 Rules of Supervisor Calls according to Firebird. : 1. DO NOT use profanity at me. 2. DO NOT raise your voice or get sarcastic with me. 3. DO NOT talk over me or interrupt me when I am speaking. 4. DO NOT insult me or the technician you were speaking with. 5. DO NOT attempt to command me or demand that I do something. Disclaimer: Failure to follow these 5 golden rules while speaking to me will result in 1 warning. Further abuse of these rules will result in your call immediately being ended without warning! [2003-05-10]

    2. Any software you install from ANY manufacturer or ISP. Read the damn EULA so you know that when it screws up your computer, the company you got that software from has already washed their hands of any responsibility other than fixing said software. No one cares that you have to call your OEM to reinstall Windows because you installed an ISP application. That's not our fault even though we are the ISP that made the shitty appliations. We know it sucks so we covered our ass from the get go. Deal with it. [2003-04-13]

    3. re: 657.. QUICKzAND, you forgot one very important thing that all losers must do. Call in on a speakerphone with all of those things in the background, so you can hear them even less clearly!! :D [2002-06-05]

    Customer Types


    1. The Pathetic Whiner
    This is the type of customer who whines and sniffles and makes little sobbing noises in some bizarre attempt to gain sympathy for thier mind numbing stupidity.
    [2005-06-25]

    2. The Random Clicker
    Probably alrady been posted, but oh well here goes again! This type of customer just randomly clicks on things that they think pertain to the issue even when they dont. This is the type will also not listen no matter how many times you ask them to pay attention and not randomly click on things.
    [2003-06-10]

    3. The Disbeliever!
    The customer that refuses to believe your answer even though he called you for support.
    [2002-09-24]

    4. Please ?!?!? (WTF)????????
    ME: "What type of modem do you have?." EU: "Please?" ME: *huh*?!?!. ... Apparently this is supposed to mean "excuse me". Who's the braniac who thought that up?
    [2002-07-10]

    5. Please ?!?!? (WTF)????????
    ME: "What type of modem do you have?." EU: "Please?" ME: *huh*?!?!. ... Apparently this is supposed to mean "excuse me". Who's the braniac who thought that up?
    [2002-07-10]

    6. The nice understanding customer!
    OMG, believe it or not, these people actually do exist. They dont get loud. They dont get crazy when you tell them about an outage. Believe it or not, they even ask to speak to your supervisor to compliment your excellent service to them.
    [2002-06-20]

    7. To dumb to listen
    This customer is the genius that answers with a simple "hello" after you read off your annoying script instead of giving you the information you asked for thus forcing you repeat said annoying script.
    [2002-06-02]

    8. The Shameful Porn Surfer
    ME: "Thank you for calling DSL Support, how can I help you". EU: "Yes, ever since I got your service, I cant watch streaming videos." ME: "I'm sorry sir we dont support that, you'd have to email the webmaster of the site." EU: "Well, why did I have no problems with cable, but I do with your DSL?" ME: "I'm sorry, sir, I really dont know." EU: "Well, your useless." ME: "Well, what site is it?" EU: "Umm.. well, it's umm.. Apple, for movie trailers." ME: "Well, sir I went to that site and it works fine." EU: "Are you on the DSL service?" ME: "Why, yes I am." (Yeah right, sure I am. Just as much as he's really going to Apple's site. Sheesh, lusers!!) EU: "Well, I guess I will keep trying and I will email them if I have more problems." ME: "OK, sir thank you for calling DSL." **And while your at it sir, try not to surf one handed, it causes stuck keys on your keyboard.**
    [2002-05-09]

    9. Mr Good Isnt Good Enough
    "ME: Thank you for calling --- DSL Support, how may I help you? EU: Yes, I'm getting about 1 megabit connection speed average. What can I do to get to my 1.5 megabit max?" ** COME ON PEOPLE!! IS NOTHING GOOD ENOUGH?????? DAMN!! **
    [2002-05-08]

    10. Mister or Miss Cordial
    This is the customer that asks you how your doing after you take the time to read your script and are waiting for their BTN, UserID, Serial#, whatever. If I wanted to know how you were jackass, I would have asked you!! And to be completely honest, I was doing just fine winning at Pocket Tanks until you called to bother me!!!!! GGRrr.
    [2002-04-29]

    11. Event sounds fanatic.
    The customer who has the most annoying sound effects assigned to each Windows event and wont turn them off!!!!
    [2002-04-28]

    Co-Worker Types


    1. Stubborn Former Programmer Type
    No offense to other programmers here, as I dont know that you are like this. However anyone I've ever met that had a previous career in programming anything besides HTML has been so stubborn and arrogant I could hardly stand it. This co-irker in particular always has a "helpful" suggestion on how he could make our tools better. Also, he refuses to follow the call handling procedures because he doesnt agree with them. If you try to coach him on how it's supposed to be done, he gets frustrated with you and then goes about doing things his own way anyway.
    [2003-10-27]

    2. Mr Doesnt Know Mens Room Rules
    This is the guy that will take the middle stall when all three along the wall are empty. He'll also try to strike up a conversation with you in the middle of your business. Please tell me I'm not the only one who things this is just completely wrong.
    [2003-09-15]

    3. The Deer in the Headlights
    This is the co-worker who every time you tell him something, he's patently shocked. At first you think this person is joking, but then sadly you realize they are truly amazed by everything you tell them, even if you just told them the same thing yesterday or two minutes ago.
    [2002-12-02]

    4. Huh? I Dont Get It!
    This is the co-worker that just doesnt seem to have learned anything in training and when you try to coach them they still dont pick up on it. When you tell them they should already know this, they get shocked and offended. Being a level 2 tech has its perks. Answering this guys questions is far from being one of them!!!
    [2002-11-09]

    5. Same account, different site.
    These are techs that take the same calls as you and work for the same outsource company, just in a different city. These reps transfer calls to your site to do something that they should be doing!
    [2002-09-25]

    6. The female tech support rep
    Wow, I remember about 5 years ago when I started this job, there were like 2 ladies working for our account doing technical support. It's a nice thing to be able to see more female techs in recent years. You know what the best part of it is? They arent just filling spots, these ladies are some of the best techs I've met! It's a great thing! The grrls have come to join the geeks! Celebrate! LoL
    [2002-09-24]

    7. The Crybaby Pansy-ass
    Okay, dont know about everyone's callcenters but here where I work, we take 6 types of calls. DSL & Dialup for two different companies, dialup calls for a new software package (subscribers bitch constantly / yodle) and a repair ticket status line. This co-worker type is the one that cries and bitches and moans and complains and generally makes the life of anyone around them hell just because their call splits got changed. Shut your mouth and take the fucking call. Dialup is dial up, DSL is DSL. You didnt get anymore training than I did so deal with it.
    [2002-06-24]

    8. Senseless wonder.
    Okay, this is a bit off topic, but what the hell. I'm in the men's room on one of my breaks and I had to fart, so I let it rip. This dude behind me at the sink proceeds to tell me I need to keep that to myself or do it somewhere else!!! I'm thinking, alright sparky, next time I have to cut one, I'm gonna do it right at your desk while your stuck on a call.
    [2002-05-02]

    Customer E-mails


    EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
    1. "I don't understand what you mean by power button. All I see is this thing with a one, a slash and a zero." [2005-10-11]

    2. I'm going to be switching my local phone service to that new "voices over ip". I can still use my DSL, right? [2005-08-02]

    3. Me: "What city and state are you in ma'am?" Starfish: "The United States. Oh, oh! California!" [2005-05-26]

    4. Yes, I have Internet Explorer but it's called Firefox on my computer. [2005-05-12]

    5. Co-Irker PotD: "I'm a genius!" (said by halfwit ' i only have a job to fill a us gov't quota' manager after figuring out how to use the copy machine to print two sided. [2005-02-13]

    6. "I have an ADL Adapter, what does that do?" I'm certain it was an AOL Adapter, but I started thinking.. "Advanced Dipshit Logic Adapter", a new hardware designed to attempt to translate starfish instructions into usable data? [2005-01-07]

    7. If you dont fix this issue, your company is going to suffer some serious condensation!! [2003-12-18]

    8. Response from a customer when asked if they had heard of the Blaster worm: "Yes, we have that on CD." [2003-12-03]

    9. "You should get out of the DSL business and let Comcast handle it!" [2003-11-27]

    10. Another from the same EU: "You are descriminating against me.. that's why you keep my DSL speed slow." [2003-11-27]

    11. Yet another: "My line is perfectly capable of 28 megs, the holy spirit told me so." [2003-11-27]

    12. PCP/IP stack [2003-09-10]

    13. "I dont know where to setup my intermail" [2003-08-03]

    14. (When auditing another agent's call) "My son is going to take over, I have to go throw up." [2003-07-17]

    15. Yes, I'm calling because I'm trying to turn the internet back on. I think it turned off about an hour ago. [2003-06-10]

    16. Im confused. I dont understand. [2003-06-10]

    17. "Not now. No kisses. I'm angry. Get me a merlot." [2003-06-05]

    18. Gimme your damn operator ID because I'm calling monday to get your rude ass fired! You better start looking for a new job tonight mister! [2003-03-22]

    19. "I want the tech that comes out to repair my DSL to be a supervisor, not a regular tech." [2003-01-16]

    20. "I pay $20 (dial) a month for this shit, and I refuse to sit on the phone and troubleshoot everytime I have a problem" (Funny thing is her problem was with Hotmail not accessing our POP server). [2003-01-16]

    21. Outlook Success... Haha pal, not likely. [2002-09-12]

    22. "Your internet CD program is asking for my phone number, should I type that in them little boxes?" [2002-08-13]

    23. Not an EUPOTD, from a tech in his documentation: "cust had to get off will call back".. Apparently the customer had to go for some reason.. just amusingly worded. [2002-08-08]

    24. I am not running a computer%252C I have a Macintosh%2521 [2002-07-25]

    25. %2522Lookout Express%2522... [2002-07-23]

    26. EU: 'I have a problem.' ME: 'You think?' [2002-05-21]

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