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Here is all the content that kokoloko has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
1.
Classic... The Customer Always Lies
Ok... I work as a CSR in Tech support for a world class mobile provider. Today a fishie called in to have ringtones re-sent to her phone. (We customarily resend ringtones if the phone needs to be replaced because of malfunction.) I noticed that she had recently upgraded her phone (IE: purchased a new phone, a situation that doesn't qualify for a resend.)
So, I'm looking for evidence that a warranty exchange had taken place... Since she explains that the purchased phone crapped out, and she exchanged it for a new one. no sign of such evidence. Suspecting a Pinocchio, I ask her to read me the IMEI from the back of the phone. Sure enough it corresponds with the IMEI from the recently purchased phone. I informed her of the discovery and as the realization hits her that she's been found out, she stammers "oh ok.." and then, when I ask her if there's anything else I can help her with, she says sternly "Oh yeah... When's my contract up?" I inform her pleasantly that it expires in March of 2009! hahahahahaha
LART by Contract
[By: kokoloko]
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This is why I'll never purchase a ringtone or game for a phone again. If I get a new phone, why shouldn't I be able to transfer the game I've purchased? It's like not being able to transfer my word processor if I get a new computer. Oh, wait... bastards. This is why I love open source software! And why I took the time to learn how to upload software to my phone via USB. The phone companies can bite my shiny metal ass. -SalParadise
Substitute () with DRM, Bender! - MadJack
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2.
Question to all
I have a question for all of you.
I have just begun training for a job as a CSR for a major cellular phone provider. (However, I work in an outsourced call center in TX). I was told recently by a co-worker that when you mute the phone, the recorder still picks up what you say. (Calls are recorded and audited for "quality assurance"). I was wondering if this is true or not. If it depends on where you work, the name of the company by which I am employed is the opposite of East. Thanks for your help!
[By: kokoloko]
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Depends on the phone system.... What's the phone base make / model? -ShujinTribble
I worked for Gateway for some time and they were able to do that, they could release the Mute option on a recorded call. -LowLevelFormat
Politicians' rule of thumb: if you have a microphone of any kind anywhere near you, always assume it is live and being recorded. -Geminii
On the Aspect phones we have here, there's a Mic button on the phone itself, as well as a Mute button on the dongle. I can personally vouch for the fact that the Mic button mutes the customer's side only, and the system is still recording (got written up for saying something I shouldn't have; SF didn't hear it, but my manager did). -AmazingKreskin
The thing to remember regardless, is that the mute feature doesn't always work. -EtherRabbit
They say to us that both a)They can record what you say on mute. b)The mute button doesn't always work. Neither of those has been true during the 3 years I've worked here. -avantgarde
Me too...but I did know a guy (while I worked at convergys) who lost his job over a 'faulty' mute button. -EtherRabbit
Additionally, some phone systems will continue to record after the call has ended. I nearly got written up for some stuff I said when there was no customer online.
-Mushroom
Most of my mutes are me coughing up a lung during cold/allergy seasons. I don't trust the mute button. -56Kdaytrader
Oh yes, that's important. Ours will continue to record until you get the button to move to the next call. -avantgarde
Both places I did phone help at kept the recorders on. And the QC peeps were known to sometimes listen *between* calls at one place. -ThinTheHerd
luckily, my site has offboard phone amps/isolators where you can mute the mic independantly of the phone. monitor THAT, arseholes. -caspian
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3.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas all!
Ok, I have a question for all of ya about whet you think concerning the following scenario. I walked in today and wished one of my co-irkers a merry Christmas. He remained silent. Now, even if you don't celebrate Christmas, isn't it stll a fact that the term "Christmas" would denote "today" so you could at least take it as "have a nice day today" rather than being all uppity and "Oh, I don't want to hear anyone say that"? Just curious, and no offence to anyone who celebrates other holidays....
[By: kokoloko]
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Any chance that the person in question just didn't notice you were talking to them? But if they were aware and just ignoring you, that would show a lack of common courtesy, regardless of the season. -HidariMak
I don't celebrate xmas, but if people say Merry Xmas or [insert holiday greeting here] my usual response is "Hey, thanks! You have a good one!" The fact I don't doesn't mean others shouldn't, or something like that.
-Mahal
i've met alot of atheists that go so far in their disbelief as to become agressive or passive agressive when anything that could vaguely be religious is brought up - marionette parading as dreadpirate -DreadPirate
I don't celebrate the christian Christmas - but if somebody whishes me "Happy Christmas" I reply "Thank you - and happy festival/holiday (exact wording deping on the language used). On the other hand, I was today (=25th) quite grumpy towards my coworkers in the morning due to me dragging my ass to work already at 8.00. Probably that was why you co-worker was such a prune? -NordicPT
I've been wishing everyone a "Merry Grinchmas"... You'd be amazed at the numbe of double-takes I've gotten. -ShujinTribble
I think that what you have run into is the religious Atheist. So fervently believes in his lack of religion that he would refuse to believe in God if He appeared in the clouds before him. (Me, I'm agnostic -- don't believe but am still asking the questions.) As Marionette said, to him anything religious is anathema, and he has decided that his personal beliefs outweigh common courtesy. If you choose to return in kind and ignore him when he next greets you, it won't hurt... but it also won't help, as he is too dense to see the parallel. -chazz
I'm an Atheist, but I love a celebration as much as anyone...maybe he is just a grumpy bugger. -lineswine
Lineswine, you may be atheist, but you're not Atheist -- it's not a religious issue with you. -chazz
Tie him to a chair and make him watch the "Mr. Hankey" episode of South Park. There's a fxckin' lesson to be learned there. -MeanDean
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5.
When Foreigners Get Pissed Part II
Well,the cable modem backbone to the apartments was down for maintenance a few days ago, and we received this email in the keystone interface:
------------------------------------------------------------------
I live in University Apartment. I use cable modem. For the last 4 weeks, the
Internet connection got disconnected at leaset 10 times per day. I replaced
with a new cable modem, but situation does not change. I called my neighbours
and they had the same problem. And right now, my cable modem is down again
and I am using <university> dial-up service.
Thank you in advance to get this problem fixed up as soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The tech who received this replied, telling him that the cable modems were down for maintenance. In reply, we received this message:
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Although this is not commercial but I still do not think it is proper to
maintain the network at daytime while leaving us residents offline like fools.
You guys are pretty lazy. Working at night once a month will not kill you.
Building a world widely famous college is not just the oral sexy words.
Intead, it needs all of us <nickname for students/faculty/associates of university> working harder and harder.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I just wonder what idiom he was going for with “oral sexy words”...
I mean... yeah, English is weird, but what the hell did that mean?
[By: kokoloko]
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"Lip service"? -MisterMiracle
Hm... buzz words? Hummer? -namor
<looking into crystal ball> I forsee much network/internet service issues for this one starfish... -Starfury
Monica Lewinsky? -LaserGuru
Phone sex support? -DoctorNoodle
"You are correct sir, we are lazy, that's why *ISP* is doing maintenance during the day rather than at night. Also, it is amazingly keen of you to detect that insulting us is the proper method to 'lubricate the rollers' in getting your issue resolved. Bravo!" -Shazzai
So it was because I went to Backwater Tech that I missed out on all that oral sexy stuff. -concept14
Wow, sounds like it's time to give somebody's Net Access a vasectomy! (Or a root canal... OR BOTH!) :) -LeopardMadcat
Dear Sir, The work is dune during the day to reduce downtime for you... e.g. the work is done when you should be in lessons! - so stop skiving and get into your lessons... ;) -Wonko The Sane
there is only one correct response to this....."Blow Me" -GefahrMaus
2nd correct response: "This just in...Go to hell!" </Kent Brockman> -missourimule
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6.
When Foreigners Get Pissed Part I
Hey all. I haven't posted in a while, but something happened recently that I just have to tell you about. I work tech support at a university. We have a system called “Keystone” to which we can save notes about calls we get that may require further investigation. People can also use Keystone to submit service requests by email.
There's a place on our campus called “University Apartments”. These residences are similar to dorm rooms, in that they are owned by the university but, they are much bigger than a dorm room, and are mostly occupied by international students. Everyone here at the helpdesk dreads getting calls from the University Apartments because their network access is contracted out to a local cable provider, but they're still on our DHCP server. Furthermore, the fact that most of them are international makes troubleshooting very difficult because they don't speak very much English (if any at all).
To Be Continued...
[By: kokoloko]
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7.
Update:Dormitory Fire
Some of you may remember what happened to me this summer, when a guy put my handheld PC in my microwave and dumped a coke in my desktop computer... (If you don't, check my post history:http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_content.php?nick=kokoloko). Anyway, I thought I'd update y'all on my situation. I got a new PC, constructed with the exact same specifications as my last, handmade machine, except that those parts which are no longer in production were replaced with the current version (ie: I had the Audigy platinum, I now have the audigy 2 platinum. I used to have the 2.8 GHz Pentium 4. I now have the 2.8 GHz Pentium 4 WITH HYPERTHREADING!! etc) I found out that the asshat still, for some reason, lives on campus, and as such I now live in the dorms on the opposite side (Southside). That last part, I thought, would impact me a lot because of the number of friends that I have on the north side, but I just started dating a girl who lives on the floor below mine!!! If none of this had happened, we wouldn't have met! Just goes to show how even the worst events can turn into good. BTW... my new g/f's mom works at IBM in Austin! Anyway, I guess that's it.. thanks to all for the spare Karma that was sent... None remains from my venture, and the negative Karma generated has been sent to the fucktard who started this mess in the first place, hopefully to influence the pending court case.
[By: kokoloko]
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cool... but perhaps the bad karms will wait for his re-incarnation... hopefully he comes back as someone "favorite" sheep... -HappyCrappy
bad news nothing is produced in Austin. I live near it only thing they have is morons that can do crap. -Motient
Thanks a lot, motient. I'd like to keep my assumption that my g/f's mom knows something at least until I meet her. My g/f doesn't know much about computers, but she said that her mom is a Project Manager for something associated with Linux, she also said she heard something about the Xenon Project (IBM is making the proc for the new Xbox, perhaps they are helping put together the Kernel for the OS too, or something...
-kokoloko
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8.
Karma Donations Needed *URGENT* Part 1
Ok, so some asshat decides to pour coke in my computer case and puts my Dell Axim in my dorm microwave. I have no computing devices now (except this one at my work) I think my Karma recieving device must be broken because he was pissed at me for helping two very inept girls (supposed friends of his) study for their Psycology class. I have had nothing but hate coming off of him even though I've been getting them A's and they don't even back me up in front of him. So, I should have been accumulating Karma up till now, but no!
[By: kokoloko]
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Smells like lawsuit and criminal charges to me! -derangedlunatech
so fuck em let them fail on thier own if they cant apprciate the help, and letting some asshole do bad things to you is not appreciating the help if i've ever seen it. -rhiannon
Ya know what? Honestly? Call the police. Get photos of the damage done. File a complaint. Get him in trouble with the law, the university, whoever... Property damage on that scale is simply unacceptable. -EagleEye
So wait, he defaced and damaged computer components that belonged to you? -Zayda
Sorry, that's justifiable homicide. My 'puters are like my children. Deliberately destroy one and you'll disappear into the depths of the deepest, coldest, darkest body of water I can find. I think Lake Superior gets down to 1000' or so in some places. -RiffRaff
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9.
Karma Donations Needed *URGENT* Part 2
So, anyway, I need to get my desktop fixed (I think only the video card is fried but it is a RADEON 9700 PRO, so it is still somewhat costly). However, I think Mr. Dipshit is being expelled from my university, and I heard he is being charged with felony arson. Anyway, send some karma if you can and if you have any spare bad karma send it to <asshat's_karma_address>@my_university.edu, Thank you very much for your support, love, etc...(Hey, female techs, I need some empathy! Whiteboard me!
[By: kokoloko]
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Baby, you have all my sympathy & spare Karma! Now, get Mr. Asshat sued & expelled & the failing psych students a great big study-LART! -Tekkie
Eesh - karma rolling. -Grue
Just found unopened container of Karma behind bookcase. Large portion coming your way. -Catsfield
Good luck salvaging the machine. Do your best to clean and dry the thing thoroughly, though only luck is with you on that as the odds aren't good. Glad the butt-monkey is getting a bit of what he desserves and have you checked to see if the university has some kind of insurance for students property in the dorms? Here's luck and karma to ya, hope it turns out well. *hacks into the local Yggdrasil Karma System and diverts a load of run-time to Texas* -GargoyleTS
Ok, that's a Moshpit of Karma for you, and One Moshpit lart for the asshat. And for the lady? -Bobsentme
One Flying Fickle Fedora of fate on it's way, *brimming* with Karma. -StylinTechie
Might I suggest pouring coke in his brain case and putting *it* in the microwave? See if you can borrow an old, obsolete card to verify you MB isn't fried before you put in a new one. -VIPERsssss
You're welcome to come over to my place so I can give you some empathy... yeah, empathy, that's it. -LadySharky
KarmaKritters™ are stampeeding your way. And I'd also advise getting the law in on this one. Call the police,and a litigation lawyer. Sue his ass for damages. a double edged legal lart is deffinately called for. -wolfprince
*whew* neede dsomewher to discharge the KarmaTrons' negative-coil. 'ol dipshit is gonna get a whopping heap reeel quick. -Dj
Have a Karma Kitten, kokoloko. She not only brings good luck, her purr will soothe your troubled mind. And here's a hug, too. -sassicatz
ok... I think I ran out of good karma last night when I bought my new civic hybrid, but I'll just powercycle the router a few times to build up a supply of bad karma to pass on to your waste of oxigen... -garwain
KarmaBombs loaded, A-10 has cleared the runway and is vectoring toward you... -hkypipe
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10.
How I would'a changed my speil yesterday
Normal Spiel: Helldesk Central, this is Koko Loko, how can I help you?
Spiel When TSC is down: "Because I am unable to access the resources which assist me in "venting," penalty hold times have increased. As such, if you are calling so I can look up your NetID (campus email addy), expect a 30min+ hold time. If you are calling with VPN troubles, and you haven't even verified that your internet is working correctly, you might as well hang up now, because if I discover that fact, you will hold until my monday shift begins.
[By: kokoloko]
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world record hold time is about friday to monday, so you'll have to hold them off till tuesday to set any records. -Dj
I try to keep penalty holds down to a smoke break myself, but if you're times are monitored.... "Go For It!!!" </Oderus Aroundus> -objekt404
Thank you for calling HellDesk Tech Support. Please choose the method of smiting you would prefer.....press 1 for slow and painful, press 2 for quick and merciful... (on pressing two)..I'm sorry...option 2 is unavailable until further notice. You will be defaulted to option 1. Thank you and have a nice day! -TechieSidhe
"Say, uh, why is your hold music an endless loop of Faith No More's 'We Care A Lot'?" Muahahaha! -Mushroom
Here's what you do for a fun LART that they won't necessarily detect: every local telco has a "silence" number, used to check line quality. Transfer the EU to that number, and wait to find out how long before they call back! In the Chicago area, this is accomplished on (773)637-9998, among others. Have fun! -Grue
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11.
First Major Network Crisis
So, as some of you know, I recently got a job at the helpdesk at my University (also, as some of you may have picked up, I am not yet jaded enough to refer to it as a "helldesk", in fact, I love my job!) Anyway, a car accident in one of our nearby towns caused a major power outage to the city, as well as part of the university. Evidently the sudden loss of power caused damage to some of the network machines, including the power distributors for our 10ft tall, 12ft diameter tape silos. (we have the top brass in there checkin that one out!) A couple of key services are down, including university email, so the phones are ringing like mad. One SF just called ohttp://tamulink.tamu.edu/ne of my co-workers and informed him that her Eudora was broken... hehe... As the subject of this story denotes, this is my first major network crisis, since I have only been working here for about a month. DAMN I LOVE THIS JOB!!!!
[By: kokoloko]
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Noob. -scooby111
so now that you have been there an Full hour, how do you feel now? -neuman1812
i remember those days, then i realized these people are idiots, then i leared to laugh about it, now i have a wall of shame on my cubicle, but i still need a non customer service job -rhiannon
time to LART whoever set up the network without a UPS on all of the important equipment, even a $30 unit will give time for an auto-hibernate at 50% battery or manual shutdown on my machine, and my computer draws far mor current than a router. -Lehk
and if nothing else, it protects the hardware from the massive power spike that follows when the power comes back up. -Mephiston
HAHA... LART ME for not explaining that part... We are a major unversity (campuses all over texas, as well as international campuses in Quatar, etc) , and as such we have several giant IBM mainframes, apple blade servers etc, and we have a battery backup system, which, in turn, rolls over to a generator after the gen has had time to warm up... The system that rolled to the gen had some sor of malfunction, so our batteries are drained... They did get the mainframes shut down in time though.... -kokoloko
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13.
New to the Industry
Howdy all!
I have been a big fan of this site for quite some time now. I am a freshman at Texas A&M University, and I have applied for a job at "HelpDesk Central" (the university's tech support phonebank). The only real-life industry experience I have is from when I worked the tech bench at Best Buy during my senior year of highschool. Anyway, I wanna tell you all about something funny that my mom did one time:
I guess I have to credit her that everyone has a tendency to get scared when expensive equipment that they don't fully understand does something they aren't accustomed to. Well, I had set their screensaver to the one where it looks like a lens is bouncing around the screen, skewing the image of the desktop (or whatever window you have open). I was in my room working on calculus (or physics, or something of such a torturous nature), when I heard my mom scream "Oh My God!!! GREG!!! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH OUR SCREEN!!!" Running in to the office, I asked her what the problem was and, pointing to the screen, she said "Look!". I burst out laughing and explained that it was a screensaver. She was quite embarrassed. More stories of my parents' lack of computer aptitude to come!
[By: kokoloko]
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Hope you're good at cleaning viruses. -CarbonTetra
Look, An AGGIE! Seriously though: http://www.deadtroll.com/index2.html?/video/parents.html~content -Bobsentme
bsm- Good one! I'll have to show this one to my son. -LaserGuru
Know how to get a one armed aggie out of the tree..............Wave! I've got tons of these. -MightyMouse
Texas A&M? Be careful how you build that bonfire.... -lineswine
correct me if I'm wrong, but isnt that a winME screensaver? -Bynar
LMAO @ Lineswine. Damn, I forgot about that. Hey Kokoloko, they still let you build that bonfire? -Bobsentme
Bonfire is a very sacred tradition at A&M. There is much debate as to whether or not it should continue. Students currently build and burn it off campus, due to an on campus ban. The joke, however, is somewhat offensive. 12 Aggies died in '99 when Bonfire collapsed, and the loss is still felt today. I know and hope you didn't mean to offend, but those kinds of statement would be like someone saying "I guess those twin towers just stuck out like a sore thumb anyway!". I decided to come to A&M because of the bond shared amongst the student body, and that bond was exemplified by the community reaction to its collapse. Every member of the community donated time, money, or resources to the crew that was rescuing the injured. Anyways, I have to go. I just wanted to explain why I thought that joke was out of taste. -kokoloko
Ya know, I was gonna respond to that comment, but there's not enough space here, I'll calm down and e-mail ya later. -Bobsentme
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