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Here is all the content that linkv has contributed to Tech Support Comedy.

Tech Stories


1. I Figured It Out!
Dumbass calls me with an e-mail issue. "It says 'Password Error'... what does that mean? It means you're putting in the wrong password, dumbass, as in, it's your own fucking fault. Have her retry three times, still no luck. Check caps lock and everything. Finally tell her I'm going to reset her password (a bit later, when I no longer taste blood), and have her hang up. Immediately get a call back "OHAI! Don't worry about it! I got in another way!" Gahhhhh... NO, YOU FUCKING DIDN'T! WE ONLY HAVE ONE E-MAIL PORTAL, AND YOU ONLY HAVE ONE PASSWORD BY WHICH TO ACCESS IT! YOU DIDN'T "GET IN ANOTHER WAY" YOU JUST DID RIGHT WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Fuck, where do these people get off thinking they fixed the problem, when the only thing they succeeded in doing was NOT continuing to fuck up?
[By: linkv]
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  • Might have meant she got in by using a different email client, one that had her login details saved. -Calydor
  • We don't use those. It's the web portal or nothing at my company. -linkv
  • or a different browser with cached passwords -McSmiley
  • For these people, not continuing to fuck up is a major accomplishment. -AmazingKreskin
  • We have a web portal and it doesn't cache anything - HTTPS won't let it. -Holdfast
  • It would not take my password, so I used my password to get in! -Griffin2020
  • "I decided to try something different, and use the RIGHT password!" -Voz
  • "I keep getting some error message and when I close it, I can't get my email. Is there something wrong with your server?" -CableSteVie
  • 2. That's Enough!
    <P> I've been seeing this girl for over a year, and when this summer hit, things started changing a lot. It was obvious we had the ability to drive each other absolutely crazy, and there was only one way to resolve it. </P> <P> I asked her to marry me. And she said yes. </P>
    [By: linkv]
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  • Herzlichen Glückwunsch!!! Congratulations!!!! -RoadDemon
  • Congratulations! (Happy Dance) -TechieSidhe
  • Mazel Tov on your impending connubial union! May you have a plethora of happy years! -ChildofCthulhu
  • If she drives you crazy now, what's she going to be like in a few years time when she knows all your bad habits? Oh dear... Congratulations anyway - let's see you beat my record: 37 years and still on my first marriage. ;-) -Gromit
  • better luck than I had.. I hope. -HappyCrappy
  • Let me add my congratulations to the chorus... -chazz
  • at least it won't be boring. -Icelator
  • Grats! id be doing the same right about now but.... now shopping for snother slightly more important then carbion atoms reordered into a more pleasing form.. -Harm
  • Congratulations to BOTH of you! -Grue
  • Conga-rats! -skippytpodar
  • Congratulations and best wishes -pencil
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAH! That's Awesome! Congratulations!! -Madrigorne
  • Congratulations! -thx1138
  • Congrats! -MadJack
  • be sure to give her my condolences. But seriously congrats the hard part is over. -deedadee
  • Good grief. You'll be spawning child proccesses and hotlinks like a spammer! Congrats. -Necros
  • Felicitations, dude! -lineswine
  • Congratulations!! -ecoli
  • 3. Worst... Laptop... Ever!

    ...Or at least, it was the worst laptop I ever had to interact with professionally. I sold the things back at RetailComputerStore. It was an early Sony TX model, 10-inch screen, built in cell connection. Very much a Netbook before there really was a market for Netbooks, this thing was tiny and the next-biggest laptop we carried had a 13-inch screen and was almost double the weight.

    The problem was, it wasn't well-designed, at all. The screen was an LCD panel wrapped in VERY thin, flexible plastic. There was no brace to prevent the screen from warping as the user opened and closed it. Our laptops were secured under metal hoods, which held it in place with two bars. We opened a laptop, placed it gently under the bar and... crack. Instant spiderweb on the screen. Even though we'd been VERY careful, it seemed that this was just not fit to withstand even normal tension against the screen. We wrote it off as "defective" and opened up a new one. It was literally 10 minutes before it, too, cracked from less-than-typical flexing. The crazy thing was, these things cost just short of $3,000, so we couldn't afford to burn through display models. After examining further, more design flaws were noted... lots of buttons that would not hold up to consistent use, accessories that were prone to catching on things and snapping off... it was a nightmare, designed to look good but never be practical. And it was overpriced. The entire computer department made a pact to simply not sell the TX... everyone agreed it was a rip-off and should never have been released.

    We left the second cracked-screen demo up, in a non-working state. Company policy said it had to be displayed, so we displayed it. It became a "How Not To Design a Laptop", and it was very effective to compare it to more practical laptops that cost half as much. Customers loved it, and seeing a salesperson actively disdain the most expensive item in the department was a great trust-builder. Hey, we weren't on commission, and we actually took pride in our integrity as techs.

    One day, my buddy Teflon Steve gets a customer who wants to buy the TX. As it would turn out, she would be the only customer to actually succeed in handing over money to us in exchange for this accursed laptop. Steve did his best, though:

    "Oh, yeah, this is the one! It's perfect!"

    "Ma'am, I'm going to have to recommend against that one. It's shown to be extremely fragile. See how the screen is cracked? It's been like that for months. We won't bother replacing it because each one we put out also breaks."

    "Oh, I'm not worried about it."

    "It's not like this thing was abused. Both of these broke within ten minutes of being taken out of the box. The LCD panel is just too thin, and doesn't have enough support. The second ANY pressure is put on it, it shatters. And since that's NOT covered under warranty, you're out almost three grand... for nothing." Steve actually flexes the already-broken screen, demonstrating how little effort is required to bend it too far.

    "But... see, it's perfect! I just want something really tiny I can throw in my purse!"

    "In that case, I'm going to tell you... DON'T buy this. Not only is the screen flawed, but the rest of it is not rugged enough to be hauled around in a purse. Day after day of picking it up, setting it down, and bumping it on stuff will kill it, I promise you."

    "But it'll fit!"

    "Okay, look, I'll be honest with you, I think you're making a mistake. But, if you insist on getting this, I've got to suggest taking our Protection Plan that covers accidental damage, because I'm telling you, THIS THING WILL BREAK, especially if you use it the way you've just described to me."

    "Nah, I don't want to spend anything extra."

    "AT LEAST get a slipcase to put this thing in! I mean, it's going to break anyway, but if you have a case over it, you'll give it a fighting chance. Maybe."

    "Noooooo... because if I have a case on it, it'll be all big and bulky! I just want something small I can fit in my purse!"

    *Sigh* Some people's children. And I have no doubt that laptop didn't survive a month under that kind of use... and that today, she could buy a netbook for 10% of the price, which not only would be cheaper, but would have MUCH better construction.

    [By: linkv]
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  • I wonder if someone, *cough*Sony*cough*, paid off this "reviewer". http://www.notebookreview.com/default.asp?newsID=2931 -Stryker One
  • 4. NT/OT: The Health Patrol

    I'm just curious to see if this idea is really gaining popularity in the workplace (especially outside the US) or if I've just had a weird string of jobs in the last 5 years. Lately, each job I've held has had a company "Health Champion", who gets to spend a good chunk of their time compiling a "Heathly Living Newsletter" that gets sent to everyone. All of the advice contained therein says something to the effect of "If it's fun, knock it the fuck off!!!", telling me the evils of caffiene, alcohol, fat, sugar, salt, sleeping too little, sleeping too much, and using the wrong kind of soap. While on the surface, this project seems mostly benign, I have to say I'm a little put off by my company spending so much time on giving me advice, stopping just short of coaching me on my sex life. It's also more than a little annoying that the person who spends days on end writing this newsletter gets paid to do it, rather than something of more immediate benefit to the company.

    So tell me... does everyone's company have a self-appointed Nanny? And is anyone else resenting the notion that it's not enough to just go to work, do your job, and go home afterward?

    [By: linkv]
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  • Some insurance providers will give discounts to companies who promote healthy lifestyles and encourage their employees to improve or monitor their health. Kind of like getting a discount on your homeowner's insurance if you have a burglar alarm.... -JoeLugian
  • The company I work for does this, and Joe is right; it's because we get insurance cheaper if we do it. We even have to take some annual health survey that chides us about how little we exercise and what crappy food we eat. I just do the minimum to comply with this nonsense. -NightSteel
  • My current job doesn't have anything like that (just lots of wasted paper informing everyone of our Green Initiatives), but when I worked at CV, they spent a fair amount of effort advertising the free mental health counseling services they offered as part of the benefits package. On the other hand, that's a potentially useful thing in a call center. -AmazingKreskin
  • First, it was your cigarettes. Next, your Big Mac. -vacuumtubes
  • We get them as PDFs in weekly emails. -unrenowned
  • It started as a 'good idea' to save employers money on their employees' benefits. And it gets manipulated into another bargaining chip they can use to control you... EVILEVILEVIL It's wrong & it doesn't belong in the workplace, no matter what the beancounters think. -MadJack
  • Koop: "blah blah blah no motorcyclin' no coffee no sex no alcohol no tobacco and NO RED MEAT." PLOOOMP!!! Opus: "Ironically, C. Everett Koop was done in by tofu & alfalfa sprouts!" </Bloom County> -MadJack
  • In Finland it's the done thing to have a physiotherapist come around about once or twice a year to sort out ergonomics. Also, discounts on various health-related things might be offered, and informal sports/activity clubs might exist. Nowhere near as pushy as what you describe though. -Chromatix
  • 5. I can fix it!

    About a year ago, my father called me, saying that he'd had some computer trouble. The two of us talked about what had been going on, and though Dad couldn't give me specifics, I told him that it sounded a lot like a virus. As I lived quite a distance away, this would normally be cause for alarm... but just as it happened, I was due to fly in just three weeks later anyway. So, we both agreed that the simplest solution was to just let me come in and have a look. We hadn't seen each other for several months and we were both looking forward to the trip.

    In the meantime, my father's girlfriend got a little frustrated and decided to "take a crack at it". My dad didn't know much about computers, but knew enough to know when he was in over his head. The girlfriend was a little less savvy and a little more brazen. you can all see where this is going... she sits down and starts poking around at anything that looks like it might fix the problem. She freely admits she had no clue what she was doing. The whole while, Dad was behind her saying "Leave it the fuck alone..." and "He'll be here in two weeks, don't worry about it..." All the while, she's saying "Control Panel, what's this dooo??" And Dad is throwing in another "LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE!" for good measure.

    I know nothing of any of this. I'm just packing and otherwise getting ready for the trip. Four days prior to my flight, I get a call from Dad. "Ummm... yeah, she decided to try and fix it... and now I'm seeing all sorts of stuff I can't recognize..." I try my remote login, no luck. So I have him describe it to me. Dad was a creature of habit, I'd set up his desktop a certain way, and what he was describing to me was nothing like it. It sounds like...

    Oh my God. The Compaq Administrator default desktop.

    There were only two ways this could have appeared on his screen. One would be if he somehow managed to access the Administrator account. That was highly unlikely. That leaves one more option... that she somehow managed to FFR the thing using the recovery partition. I had him look for anything that would indicate his data was still on the hard drive. Nada.

    "Well, Dad, I hate to tell you this, but it looks like she somehow wiped and reinstalled Windows. So anything you had on there is gone."

    "Yeah, that's what I kinda figured. So, can you fix it?"

    "It's not really broken, it's just no longer set up the way you like it. But yeah, when I'm in, I can set it all back. Honestly, she did exactly what I would have been doing... the only difference is, I'd have known what I was doing."

    I hear the girlfriend in the background 'What did he say?' "He said you shouldn't have been fucking with it!" More laughter from both. 'Was it a virus?' she asks. Dad relays "...Is it possible I have a virus?"

    "NOT ANYMORE!" I snort, and the three of us nearly piss ourselves laughing. "Yeah, Dad, one thing she did do is get rid of the bad with the good... so you might not have your old stuff on there, but you don't have any viruses either!" I'm just astonished as to how she could have actually gotten that far by accident. There are several prompts and scary-looking screens warning inexperienced users if they're really sure they want to do this... granted, I can totally imagine her bumbling around thinking "Recovery! Hey, I like the sound of that!"... but doing a complete restore had to be like throwing magnetic letters on the fridge and somehow coming up with a Shakesperian sonnet.

    "He said 'Not anymore!'" I can hear in the background, along with "I'm sorry, I should't have been messing around, I had no idea what I was doing."

    In the end, no serious harm was done, and I had a new rule for all pending repairs: "Don't fuck with it."

    [By: linkv]
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  • After you fix this mess tell the girlfriend that a machine that works is just like a hard-on, If you want to keep it that way then DON'T FUCK WITH IT.! -atomicbill
  • atomicbill...you're DOING IT ALL WRONG! You *want* that done to a hard-on, yew fewl! -Grue
  • 6. Looks like FailDesk caught up to us.
    Who posted it? ;-) http://faildesk.net/2012/01/05/i-think-he-wants-a-new-mouse/
    [By: linkv]
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  • That call will never get old. -Spacegoat
  • 7. The Dial-Up Gimme-Gimme Crowd

    In addition to broadband, CableISP also offered plain-vanilla dial-up. If you had both services, the dial-up was only about $9 a month. It was a selling point for a lot of customers to have high-speed access at home, and at least SOMETHING when they were on the road. To encourage customers to try it out, we even gave them a money-back guarantee on their first month of dial-up.

    There would be times, of course, when a customer's cable modem would go out, and it would be a few days until a truck could be sent out. Also, of course, there were times when the customer would have "absolutely urgent" matters that needed to be taken care of online. This, OF COURSE, led to a perpetual neep:

    "CAN'T YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME DIAL-UP IN THE MEANTIME??!?!?"

    Now, yours truly will generally help someone rather than not, and I actually enjoy showing customers areas in which the company policies can be bent in their favor. So my response to the whining was "Let me tell you what I can do... we do offer a 'Companion Dial-Up' service for broadband customers. With it, you get a one month trial. Your trouble call is scheduled for five days from now. I could put that service on your account, and then when your problem is fixed, you could drop it and it won't have cost you anything."

    "Hey, NO! I don't want to PAY for anything!"

    "No, sir, you don't pay anything for it if you don't keep it past the five days you need it."

    "Well, I don't want to have to call back in to cancel. Just take it off after five days."

    "I'm sorry, sir, that I can't do. I can put the service on your account, but if I do, I can't take it off again without your calling to request it. We can't just remove services for no reason. I'm saying if you want dial-up, for free, you can have it... just the only catch is that you have to call us and tell us when you don't need it anymore."

    "Well, if I forget to call, you're gonna charge me!!!!!"

    "Well, yes. If you decide to keep the service, it's $9 a month."

    "I shouldn't have to call you back! This is YOUR mistake, and YOU owe ME internet! All I'm asking is something to tide me over until it's fixed."

    "Yes, this IS our problem and we will fix it. If you want free dial-up, you can have it. Again, you would just need to cancel it when you no longer need it."

    "Nahhh... I'm not gonna do that. See you in five days. *click*"

    How often did I have this conversation? Once? Ha. Twice? Pshaw. Several times a week, for months on end. Amazing how you can give someone exactly what they want and they'll still find a way to piss and moan.

    [By: linkv]
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  • For fark's sake, how hard is it to put a reminder on your calendar, or in Outlook, or on your phone?? -NightSteel
  • Or shit when the tech is there think to yourself "Hey guess what? I won't need me no dial up no more. Maybe I should call that in....." -0gr3
  • Unfortunately, given my circumstances, it's easy for me to see both sides of this story. With two active kids and a heavy workload, taking time to call and cancel service is not always something I have ready access to. -virtualchoirboy
  • On the flip side, I wonder if companies would consider, for an extra fee, a reminder call. In other words, in response to the "I don't want to have to remember", reply with "Well, for a one-time fee of $3, we'll call you after the month is up and ask if you want to continue the service. Worst case, you're getting a month of Internet for $3 instead of $9 - that's a 66% savings!!" -virtualchoirboy
  • VCB- Great idea! You can get it at the low, low price of just $9.95 for this month only! -Voz
  • We have a similar problem with replacing modems. We offer a backup rental so you have have two modems, for times when reality interferes with desired shipping times heh, can't remember anyone ever getting it. -desseb
  • In my experience, most companies make withdrawing from this sort of 'free' trial before you have to pay extremely awkward - can lead to being put on hold for ages, being passed from department to department, being given the hard sell to keep the service etc, etc. Not saying that's what happens at your place, but I can understand their reluctance to accept a 'free' offer lie that -Shaede
  • "Now - where's my taco?!" -Trillian
  • 8. All Bets Are In

    Following up to my story about repurposing old PCs ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=86037 ). Short version: My company needs to replace a bunch of non-networked PCs. I presented management with two options: buy new units at $1,000 each, or let me repurpose retired computers for a cost of $30 each. Their answer? Go for the $1,000. This was coupled with an edict to only replace keyboards and mice with triple-priced OEM parts. What logic did management provide for either of these decisions? "Otherwise, it won't match."

    [By: linkv]
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  • BTW, first batch = 17 units, with more on the way. So just take any amount I could have saved the company, and multiply it by 17. There is no metric by which you could say I get paid enough for this shit. -linkv
  • This is where you learn to skim. Suddenly the machines are 1100 dollars each. Inflation happens. -Calydor
  • So what is the company doing with all the old PCs? I can think of a couple rural school districts, libraries, and community centers up here in the Sierras that would be overjoyed to have them. -MeanDean
  • In my drunken, clouded mind (which is often the only way to make sense of management), I'd think they're looking to sell out and want everything to look nice and new and neat. Not that that's ever happened to me, no sirree. -Lusus
  • Yah- I have given several pickup-loads to grandsons' charter school in Colorado. (Except it is really Kansas) -jerrybear
  • My boss has a pet project for which he's asking me to hold onto the spare PCs just a while longer. If that should fall through, I'll have to find some way of disposing of them. It would sure be nice to know they were going to a good home... -linkv
  • BOINC drones? It's for SCIENCE! -Xal
  • Hmm, sounds like its time to implement that personal Beowulf cluster from the retired boxen :) -grumpysysadm
  • 9. Inventive != Smart

    Two weeks ago, I was called to a site for a "can't print" issue. Problem ended up being the ethernet jack in the wall was worn out and needed to be replaced. I said I could do it, but that I didn't have the tools and would have to return another day. Other than the network connection, the computer itself was in perfect working order.

    Fast forward a week, I return with needed tools and repair the ethernet jack. I go to check the connection, when I see that the PC monitor is covered in no less than ten sticky notes-- not just on the frame, but directly on the LCD panel. When I looked up, the user just shrugs and says "Well, since it wasn't working, we just been usin' it as a messageboard."

    For the record, this is the same location that plugs speakers into desk wheels, as well as the dreaded deconstructionsits: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=82526.

    [By: linkv]
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  • good thing there wasn't any chalk around -stiffarm
  • Or markers. -Trillian
  • 10. Well, that's useless!

    Today, we're moving equipment into a location that had been vacant for several months. In doing this, the employees that work at that site decide to take the opportunity to rearrange things. They're wondering if the office would be more efficient if the desk faced the other wall, etc. They'd also like to move a tall filing cabinet. My input on this is that on top of said cabinet is the DVR for their security camera, connected to the wiring that comes out of the wall. Do what they want with the cabinet, but the DVR can't be moved more than a few feet from its current spot. The Site Director understands, and then in chimes the Braintrust.

    "Well, I don't even know what that thing is!"

    "It's the security camera recorder."

    "I don't think we've ever even used that!"

    "It's what lets us see the camera footage."

    "I ain't never touched it. It just sits up there not doing anything. Useless to us!"

    "Well, when something bad happens, that's when I'll be able to go in and look."

    "...and until then, what good is it? Why keep it up there if it's not going to be used?"

    [By: linkv]
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  • I think something bad needs to happen pretty soon. -concept14
  • Well, when I murder you, do you prefer that the police have access to the video or do you prefer it go unsolved? *evil grin* hehehe -desseb
  • It's in use all the time, actually... -Obsi
  • 11. ATTN: CommanderData
    Ahem... http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2011/05/14/cat-5-cable-flogger-pic/
    [By: linkv]
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  • the one grue made was way better! -gashach
  • I am both disturbed and turned on at the same time. -TechieSidhe
  • I'm not disturbed, but any comment I could make would get me TOS'duh off the site. -AngrySup
  • Just noticed that "linkv" rhymes with "kinky".... -Trillian
  • Maybe, but the above implement isn't my style. I much prefer my swattings to be hands-on... :-> -linkv
  • 12. Malware FAIL
    Hint to Malware writers: Making your virus look like a Windows Security message is unimpressive if the user is not running Windows. See: http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb258/linkvb06/VirusFAIL.jpg Oh yes, I'm VERRRRYY worried about all those infected EXE and DLL files!
    [By: linkv]
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  • Yeah, I had that one try to hit me last week, I was extremely amused. -Grue
  • One of my customers got this last week, her granddaughter must have hit the button to allow it on the computer. *Very* hard to remove. -Gerund
  • Tried things like logging on as admin & running malwarebytes? -lineswine
  • It funny when it uses the wrong version of windows as well -DarkRookie
  • It's even funnier when you get that on something that can't even run Windows to begin with... like Android or iPod/iPhone or game consoles... -linuxmatt
  • Do people actually read these things? Is general literacy so far down the drain they don't even wonder why a professional piece of software would look like the text was written by a five year old? -Calydor
  • calydor, think of the average response of a starfish, then think about that reading level :) -madonnac
  • Nice and easy to remove though. Delete the user profile and all better when they log in again and create a new one. -Holdfast
  • I've had several calls on this. My reply is "Your first clue should be the fact that you don't run windows" -Grembo
  • i get things like that occasionally-they hide in advertising banners. it's particularly annoying (for windows users) the way you can't get rid of it by pressing "back"-it makes an extra pop-up saying that will "make your computer unstable" or something like that! -Erictheblue
  • erictheblue: Alt-F4 until it goes away. Yes, I know that's the equivalent of nuking it from orbit, but sometimes that's the only way. -chazz
  • "Spyware is software" .... as opposed to hardware.... who's the genius who rights this SH!T! -ApolloSZ
  • Wow...the grammar in that error message is so horrible...*brain implodes* I guess I can see how starfish miss that whole part though, seeing as how "It's not my job to read anything on my computer. I do what it tells me to. So what if I break it? Then it's your job to fix it, in the next 10 minutes, for free!!" -noongsaao
  • 13. I Work for Morons

    Every few weeks, my boss and I have to host an IT Meeting, consisting of ourselves and all the bigwigs at SPED, Inc. In any rational and productive company, this meeting would be us presenting management with new IT concepts and then justifying their implementation. In our company, however, every meeting devolves into accountants and PR drones trying to be network administrators. For example, at a recent meeting, we had to address the continued problem of poor network performance in the building. My boss had already diagnosed the issue as our main switch not being up to the task, however that didn't stop the geniuses from attempting to solve the problem for us.

    "So what slows the network down?"

    "A lot of things can do it. Each cable has to be tested to make sure it's not dropping packets. Each network card on each computer should be Gigabit-capable. Here, let me show you the parts of our network and I'll show you where the issue is..."

    "Wait, the cables? How could the cables change anything?"

    "Well, if a cable gets broken or is unwound improperly, or has interference, it can drop.."

    "Yeah, yeah! Like, I called my cable company a couple months ago, and they found out the cable that connects my modem to my computer went bad. So I went out to Best Buy and got a new one, and now it works fine."

    (CEO) "People need to realize that these things do just go bad. Why, we can't buy equipment and expect it to last more than three years. Every few years you need to just buy all new stuff. Cables are no different. We should make a new policy of replacing all our cables every few years. Now, how old are our cables?"

    "Two years ago, we spent several grand having contractors professionally wire our entire building."

    "And see? We're already having problems! So we might need to just make a point of having them re-wire the whole building every few years, if that's what it takes."

    [By: linkv]
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  • I suddenly smell a company in linkv's name that specializes in cabling... for a high fee. Profit! -CelticSkyhawk
  • Jeebus, that's like giving one of them a magazine or something. Remember to keep your pink flimsies, I guess. -LDFeral
  • Count yourself lucky, our IT meetings, when we had em, started and ended as blame sessions. Also, our building was half wired by an unlicensed electrician from the boonies. It's like working in the fetish industry...there's kinks behind every wall... -ChildofCthulhu
  • ChildofChthulu, I've been thrown under the bus so many times I am now certified to fix it. Our management works by blamethrowing. If there is a problem, they spend three weeks finding who is to blame before they spend a moment fixing it. -TechieSidhe
  • Think yourself lucky they don't want your business apps to be iPhone/iPad enabled. -Wraith556
  • 14. NT/OT - Opinion Poll on Customer Issue

    New Story on NotAlwaysRight.com: http://notalwaysright.com/more-truffle-than-its-worth/10023

    Short version: customer made a fuss over being allergic to mushrooms, turned out she just didn't like them. Initially, it sounds like a real bitchy thing to do... but honestly, I kind of take the customer's side here. There are a few popular toppings I actively dislike, and have found out the hard way that asking to not have them included in your meal will be ignored. The only way to get their attention is to claim an allergy, because then the words "potential lawsuit" give them a little motivation to get the order right.

    And yet, the more professional side of me does acknowledge that lying to get my way is a little starfishy. I really don't know which way to go on this one.

    [By: linkv]
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  • I agree, lv. But lying in general isn't a good idea. I have to repeatedly tell serving folks that I'm allergic to artificial sweeteners, when the truth is if I have them, or even inhale the stray powder by accident, I have to head to the hospital for a jab of valium in the arm for my seizures. Now, that being said, it's not easy to tell them that you don't want an ingredient, i.e mushrooms, onions, etc. Just my $0.02. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Having had this pulled on me when I worked kitchens- @*&% the #&%@%. While sometimes one must lie to get the job done (ie. providing the 'information' they need to do what you need them to do), when it involves extra work, like this... well. I have opinions. -LDFeral
  • If this crap was pulled on me, you might not find any mushrooms, but you'll have a few other ingrediants added, IYKWIM. -Jeckler
  • Pants food? -LDFeral
  • If you're gonna lie, be consistent and follow-thru. The idiot in the story should have dealt with the consequences of no salsa and asked for cheese or bbq sauce instead. I get lied to at work all the time by people that suck at it - it's all part of customer service. It's more annoying, and the actor in me wants to tell them to improve, but it's not my company. -ActingUpAgain
  • "You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint: it's semen... ANIMAL SEMEN." -AmazingKreskin
  • This starfish just made a lot of other customer's orders LATE because the cook had to spend time cleaning the grill and sterilizing other surfaces. So because this woman LIED, other customers are going to get cranky and the staff has to deal with it. I have friends I will not go out to eat with because they pull this crap. They'll ask for an item on the menu, but change almost every ingredient and substitute most everything. Then, have the cojones to complain that they don't like the food. Well of COURSE you don't, it's not what's on the menu that the chef intended to taste good, it's your own abomination because you're too darn picky! (They're not allergic, just very finicky eaters.) -TechieSidhe
  • The only time I've ever claimed a food allergy that I didn't have was when I was drug along to my friend's aunt's house for dinner one night. They served brussel sprouts and I didn't want any. They offered to make something else; I refused. So I understand the temptation, especially when so many chefs are restaurants get into a tunnel vision mode and don't notice changes. But lying has consequences and the lady in the mushroom story needs to be beaten. -Aelin236
  • Mind you, it sometimes gets their attention more than saying food sensitivity. While the wife does not go into anaphylaxis, you give her any cow's milk product(note not lactose)she gets queasy, and ends up on a date with the porcelain goddess. Technically it's not an allergic reaction, but it will put her in a bad way. Even then,we still get food service people doing stupid shit like after sending the food back flipping the food over so the cheese that they partially removed is not easily visible. And, of course you don't see it until after you notice white cheese remnants on the plate, after you've taken two or three bites of it. -McSmiley
  • Second on saying "allergy" instead of "sensitivity". The average person doesn't understand what a food sensitivity is, they do understand allergy, though. I do explain that they're the kind that are merely unpleasant but not actually dangerous, though. -Loren
  • I don't agree with her tactics whatsoever. She could simply have told the server "I don't mean to be a pain, but I really do not want mushrooms on my food. If I get my food and find mushrooms, I'll send it back and have it remade." Sure, it's a little blunt, but no restaurant wants to make two meals when they know one will be thrown out and not paid for. -Jonos
  • With me it is a food sensitivity to cabbage and lettuce - more than just a little will cause me to throw up violently. I usually say allergy so they keep it off the food, but I can touch it with no ill effects. -technaround
  • There's further conversation on this on the FB "not always right" page. You can read my comments on my "allergy" to cheese. (And you'll also learn my real name...feel free to friend me if you haven't, but let me know "tsc") -Captain Trips
  • I hate mushrooms too. And beer, and wine, and fermented stuff. And chocolate. But I'm not ALLERGIC to them. Customer is a douche, and should be banned from the restaurant. -Divinar
  • I admit I do this but only in one situation. The local pizza joint. My wife HATES mushrooms and refuses to eat them If a pizza comes with them she will go without or makes something else. A few times I have sent it back but it's been to much trouble. I now have a note on my account that she is allergic to mushrooms. I may be a dick but if they don't listen when I say no mushrooms I will do what I have to. -0gr3
  • Any guesses on what the "mystery meat" in the burger is? -Wraith556
  • I personally order burgers without lettuce, when I can, because I heartily dislike iceberg, especially the pale, wilted, vitamin-less stuff most restaurants have, but I'll eat it if they forget, which they usually do. I hate to make a fuss and to waste food. Jalapenos, on the other hand, give me an upset stomach - it's not the capsaicin, it only happens with those peppers and not any others, so I actively go out of my way to avoid them, and will pick them out of my food when I can. Even so, they happen along in salsas and such, and then the OTHER effect comes into play... sweat rash. Real weird stuff. -Omega
  • I am a picky eater, but I'm not allergic to anything that I know of. Most of the time, I order food plain or without sauce so that I don't have to deal with anything I dislike. But, I am sensitive to aspartame (Nutri-sweet): it give me migrain-level headaches after a few sips. I have to avoid most diet sodas at restaurants. When I order a coke, and they say diet coke (same thing, right?), I LOUDLY make sure they bring me what I ordered. There is no excuse for being lazy and not listening. -docbrown01
  • 15. Me vs. QA

    So, customer calls in saying she just upgraded from dialup to cable modem, and wants to know if she can have her dialup balance credited to her new cable modem megapackage. She had been on an annual prepaid account, something like $125 for a year of service. Technically, since it was a prepaid contractual amount, the answer should be “no”. The idea being, you get the awesome price break because you’re buying a year of dialup service, regardless of whether you use it or even want it after a few months.

    However, in this case, I make a command decision and decide to grant her the credit. I note my reasoning in the account notes:

    • 1- This is not a refund, this is money we already have in our possession. We lose nothing.
    • 2- $125 was a year of dialup service, but only amounted to slightly over two months’ worth of cable. Less when you factor in that she now used us for phone and TV too. It would take no time at all for her services to exceed the credit we’d given her.
    • 3- 2 months’ worth of credit was an extremely common amount to credit someone for an issue such as a missed technician appointment or extended repair. If we could do it for one of our own screwups, we could do it for a customer who woke up one morning and decided to give us more money.
    • 4- This woman had switched from our most profitable dialup plan to our most profitable TV/Net/Phone plan. She was a customer very much worth keeping happy.

    Despite my extensive notes and (I thought) impeccable reasoning, of course some QA peckerhead rescinded the credit and told me to call the customer back, saying it was “unjustified.” I promptly deleted the e-mail. I couldn’t stop them from canceling the credit, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to call back a good customer and say I was wrong for helping them out.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Bravo, sir. -AmazingKreskin
  • There's a QA tard that needs to fuck a sack of chainsaws. -Seamus
  • Suggestions for QA: "Bonk a Bamix", "Copulate with a Cuisinart", "Masturbate with a mincer". -AussieFoot
  • One thing I can say, the place I work for would have given me props for "thinking outside the box" if I did the same. As much as I get tired of listening to people bitch about rate increases, at least the company has my back when it comes to doing what I have to to make people happy. I second the QA person mating with a sack of chainsaws! -DarthLuke
  • 16. Behold, the Power of Analogies...

    Friend: [paraphrased] "The batteries in my vibrator are dead."

    Me: "Well... ya know, escalators don't break. They just become stairs."

    [By: linkv]
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  • Are you sure about "Well... ya know, escalators don't break. They just become stairs." - http://notalwaysright.com/too-many-chutes-not-enough-ladders/9722 ? -Wonko The Sane
  • How did I not know about that site? -Transkaren
  • Wonko - "Woosh!" - I knew that story would be linked!! -ApolloSZ
  • One time I fell down escalator. I fell for THREE FUCKING HOURS! >:( -DarkRookie
  • I met my wife at Macy's Department store. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator. -JoeLugian
  • Is "ogies" another word for vibrator? ;P -AussieFoot
  • 17. Riff, can I have your autograph?

    Not too long ago, I introduced a good friend of mine to TSC. Although she had access to the Tech Calls section, she had missed the golden years of RiffRaff's stint at $HootervilleISP. So, I drew up a CD for her. I thought you all might like the artwork: http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb258/linkvb06/links/DSC05663.jpg

    [By: linkv]
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  • That. Is. Awesome! -Seamus
  • I'll second that. Excellent work! -Magenta
  • Oh, very nice! -Seamyst
  • Love the cover. :-D -Mushroom
  • Schweeet!!! -Ulfgaard
  • Just.... wow.... -RiffRaff
  • As the recipient of said CD, I can vouch that it is indeed very cool. And RiffRaff, I am very very sorry.... -Trillian
  • Starfish spinning... why does Grue's prank call to me a few years back spring to mind? (EG) -MadJack
  • Next project should be "The Annals of CD's 'Miss CryBaby'." -Captain Trips
  • now i would almost weant that over a t-shirt with my membership! -gashach
  • Haha! Both classy, and declasse! -LDFeral
  • -SimianMilitant
  • Kick a$$!btw Seamus call me before I start selling your number as tech support to judy patch! >:D -SimianMilitant
  • 18. I need to start LARTing again

    I have something of an advantage in my current job, in that my users, while daft as any others, are rarely rude or hostile. Thus, I've grown accustomed to treating them as job security, rather than LART-targets. Case in point: I stopped in at a particular location today to clean up a fairly minor malware infection, when I heard the dreaded "While you're here..." I cringed and was led into the back room. In the movies, when you go into the back room, it usually means you're about to be killed or molested, so I actually cheered up... I figured there was at least a 50/50 chance I'd get ice cream out of the deal.

    But no, I was actually being directed back there to fix a computer problem. Since last I checked, that was technically my job, I decided to at least put up a good show. Apparently, the speakers on this one system hadn't worked for weeks. Did they fill out a work order? Of course not. Had they mentioned this when I was there three weeks ago, asking "Is there anything else going on I can take care of WHILE I'M HERE?" Feck no. But, since I had time to kill, and was still kind of hoping for ice cream, I decided to look.

    Let me backtrack a second. At this particular site, the users are known for rearranging equipment, unplugging stuff, realizing it no longer works, then simply giving up on it. They just can't seem to grasp that peripherals need to be re-plugged just as they were for the PC to function just as it was. They'd rather be without a PC for months on end than deal with "all them wires." So, with this in mind, I bypass any software-related troubleshooting and immediately check on the speakers themselves. First thing I notice is that not only is the audio cable unplugged, but it's not even there. It takes a while to hunt it down, and where do I find it?

    Here: http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb258/linkvb06/a525018e.jpg

    Yep, somehow, through forces unfathomable, they had managed to roll the desk wheel over the plug so firmly, that it had actually WEDGED THE PLUG INTO THE CASTER. In the photo, it looks like the plug is merely resting inside the wheel well. Nope, it was much worse than that. That thing was SHOVED into there, so that even the harnessed force of a pack of angry badgers couldn't pry it free. I wrestled with it for quite some time, and thought more than once of just cutting the cable and replacing the speakers.

    Just when I was about to give up, it actually did come out, and amazingly, still worked. Still, how can you hook up a PC, without connecting any of the peripheral cables, and still figure the thing will work? Do these people really think the plugs are just for decoration?

    [By: linkv]
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  • Two comments came to mind: 1) "But it's WIREless!" 2) "Well, THERE'S your problem!" -Captain Trips
  • Dude, don't leave us hanging like that! Did you get your ice cream?!?! ;) -BayouTech
  • Whaddaya mean, it ain't sposed tuhbe plugged into the wheel? -Griffin2020
  • What is this I don't even. -Seamus
  • 19. Rule #1 doesn't even begin...

    In the course of my job, I need to hit ~30 sites spread across a significant geographic area. Therefore, I will often prioritize small issues at remote sites simply because if I don't make a point to solve an issue ASAP, it may not get done. Likewise, sometimes I will ignore fairly big issues because I simply don't have the time allotted to make the trip. Since I have to be so inequitable at times, I really get annoyed at issues caused by pure user stupidity, as opposed to stupidity thrust upon them by MS and Linksys.

    One rather nice example would be those spiffy "Fake Antivirus" malware infestations. A few months back, those were easily 50% of my work orders. Despite getting dozens of them, it seemed like an unusually high number of them came from one specific site, and oddly enough, within that site, two particular users had more than their share of troubles.

    Within the past year, each of these users had me replace their buggered system with a new one (coincidental timing, they were scheduled for an upgrade anyway), then months later I had to FFR their NEW system, then in the weeks following that, each had called me so that I could walk them through getting NEW bugs off their new systems. So in the grand scheme of things, these two users had contacted me eight times in the space of nine months regarding fake antivirus popups.

    So what was causing it, they asked? I told them about the most common methods of infection, and they ASSURED me they only used their PCs for work-related stuff. After all, they were "not good with computers" and wouldn't know how to do anything else! HONEST and TRUE! Now, I'd done my best to intentionally infect a system with normal web browsing-- not long ago, I put an unprotected test system online and set the IE security settings to "Drunken Prom Date", and STILL couldn't get that thing hosed without going to some pretty odd places. But, since questioning the lusers is frowned upon, and it wouldn't have done any good anyway, I repeatedly worked these two into my schedule. After all, they must just have bad luck, since they're "not good with computers" and only do work-related stuff, as they kept telling me.

    Well, today, I get back in to the office after a 2.5-week break, and promptly get a phone call from one of the two. And what do I hear? "Ummm... linkv? I'm having trouble listening to my internet radio.. and it's the same internet radio site I've been listening to for months. It's giving be some problem with Abbado Flash..."

    It's not that *I'm* surprised, but I sure hope no one thinks it's coincidental that I just had the head of IT to OK a "no streaming" policy.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Well, duh. I believe that particular bit of crap is one of the most seen and most offensive bits of spyware that we've been plagued with. That being said, hey, guess that's why some of us have jobs cleaning up after the (l)users. Hmm... wonder if they make doggie scoop bags for computer (l)users.... -spectreoflife
  • Just do what I used to do: nab a copy of IE History View and Mozilla History View (for firefox) - http://www.nirsoft.net/utils/iehv.html & http://www.nirsoft.net/utils/mozilla_history_view.html - I would pull up the history and make a copy, then do a Nuke & Pave. When they would return a week later complaining that I didn't do my job and I had to do it again for free I'd pull up another history and compare it to the first one. Needless to say, I didn't do "free" services. -unrenowned
  • Pandora? -Transkaren
  • But they weren't LYING - they were listening to music at work, so obviously it was a work-related use of the computer! -Trillian
  • Great thing about people who say they've been doing nothing - block their internet access entirely and all of a sudden their 'nothing' is VITALLY IMPORTANT OMG. -Geminii
  • 20. That'll buy 100 tacos!

    That particular week, a week I am happy to say was quite some time ago, RetailComputerStore offered a laptop for sale. The price was, if I remember correctly, $599. The sale price was $599, but in addition, we threw in a $100 gift card. Some lady came in, bought the laptop, and as was sometimes the case, the computer didn't distribute the promotion correctly.

    "All right, give me a minute here. I'm trying to correct something... the computer is ringing up your computer, but it's not registering your free gift card."

    "Well, I want that!"

    "Right, right. Yeah, I'm not sure why it's doing this, but I'll work it out."

    It takes me another 10 minutes of re-keying the promotion. I eventually decide that someone at corporate screwed up, which was often the case, and decided it was no longer worth my time to try and fix.

    "Ma'am, I'm sorry about that. Thanks for waiting. I can't get this promotion to go through, so I tell you what I'm going to do... I'll just take what would have been the value of that card right off the price of the computer. You can call it an 'instant discount'."

    "Oh, well, thank you!"

    "Okay, so your total is going to be $499."

    "Right. Where's my free gift card?"

    "Ma'am... we're not going to need to give you a gift card. Instead of giving you the card, we're taking the money right off the top."

    "Right!"

    "So... that'll be $499, plus tax."

    "But it says here I get a gift card!"

    "...Yes, but we're having trouble with that promotion, so I'm giving you something better. Instead of charging you all that money, and giving you a gift card, I'm lowering the price of your computer, and you can keep your money. You don't have to come back and buy more stuff. You can spend that money however you want."

    "But you're supposed to give me a gift card!"

    "Look... if you want, I can put a $100 gift card on the tab. I have no problem doing that. You'd still be paying the $599 in the ad."

    "But it's supposed to be FREE!"

    "It is! The computer is $599 either way. You can either take the computer as it is, with no gift card, for $599, or you can take the computer and a $100 gift card, for $599. It's $599 either way. It's just that, since I've been having this trouble, I'm giving you a third option... just take the $100 off the top. Most customers would rather that anyway, since it's less money out of their pocket in the first place."

    "So, it's $499?"

    "Yes."

    "But the gift card is supposed to be free..."

    [By: linkv]
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  • This should go on http://www.notalwaysright.com for sure! -MrsCheezil
  • Or http://www.customerssuck.com/board/forumdisplay.php?f=7 -Stryker One
  • I want my $100 and my taco. -McSmiley
  • I'd actually submit that to Retail Hell Underground if I were you. -unrenowned
  • 21. Even right customers are funny customers

    I had this conversation more than a few times:

    "Hi. I need to know if you have this specific printer... the HP Deskjet 400 or 400L."

    "Nope."

    "What about the Epson Stylus C62?"

    "Nope. All the printers we carry are on this shelf over here." At this point, I recognize the models he's requesting, and I'm pretty sure where this conversation is going to lead... but I play along.

    "No no no... I gotta have a printer, and it's got to be one of the ones on this list."

    "Let me guess... you have a WebTV, and you're looking for one of the five printers on their compatibility list."

    "Yeah! You got one? "

    "Nope. See, here's the thing-- that list has been in circulation for almost two years now, but printers don't stay on the market more than six to eight months. So, every printer on that list is now long out of stock, likely out of production."

    "Well, don't they ever add printers to the list?"

    "Sure, but it takes them so long that by the time the list is updated, the 'new' printers have again dropped off the market."

    "Well, so, what am I going to do. Will any of these printers here work?"

    "Maybe. But by the time we know, it'll be discontinued. Sucks, huh?"

    "But I need to get one of the printers on THIS LIST for it to work!!!"

    WTF have we just been talking about for the last five minutes???? "Yeah. It's incredibly stupid how they do this, but every time I see that list updated, I never see it updated with current-model printers. I'd love to help you, but I can't sell you something we don't have in stock, and I can't stock something that's been discontinued."

    "So what can I do?"

    "I'd take your list and try Amazon. They tend to keep older models longer than we will. If that fails, try eBay."

    "Why don't they let you use new printers on WebTV? WebTV is great! It's so much easier than a computer!"

    "Clearly."

    [By: linkv]
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  • WebTV: Making AOLers look intelligent since 1995. -Seamus
  • WebTV is still around?? Jeez.... -SalParadise
  • WEBTV????????? STILL EXISTS?????? Oh my GOD I might die. *remembers the days of having to "support" THAT crap*. Oy! -MrsCheezil
  • I seriously didnt think they made that anymore. -burrkiss
  • I'm surprised it still exists! so much easier?? ummm... okay right sure. -Harm
  • Gang, this story took place years ago, but yes, WebTV does still exist... rebranded as MSNTV. -linkv
  • It's still around but M$ won't sell hardware for it http://www.webtv.com/pc/buy/ -0gr3
  • 22. Cat's out of the bag

    "I can't get on the internet. This happens every once in a while."

    "I can help you with that. Okay, first, let's unplug the power on your cable modem. Okay, now are the lights off? Okay, plug it back in. Waiting a few seconds... okay, try it now."

    "It worked!"

    "Super. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

    "No. Wait... does this happen a lot? You just unplug it and re-plug it, and it works?"

    "Yep!"

    "Is this like... one of your secrets or something?"

    "Errr... no, not really."

    "So.... *cue sound of a cranial hamster running on a wheel* This is something I could do on my own? Without calling?"

    "Sure!"

    "And... It's okay to do that?"

    "I promise."

    Man, I'm such a rebel, giving out our trade secrets like that.

    [By: linkv]
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  • LINKV IS GIVING AWAY THE SECRETS> LYNCH HIM!!!! <DR dives into the LARTS before the pitchforks and torches are turned the wring way> -DarkRookie
  • Or wrong way. Whatever. -Seamyst
  • Check out the South Park episode "overlogged" if I remember correctly on the name. -atomicbill
  • *ducks* -linkv
  • 23. Temptation! (NT/OT)
    Okay, this is kinda weird... I'm walking by the mini-mall near my house, and I spot a car at an empty end of the parking lot. I look a little closer, and this girl is opening up the hood of the streetlight. I watch her do this, then get back in the car and leave. Once I'm sure she's gone, I walk up to the streetlight and open it up. Inside is a film canister. WTF did I just witness? A drug deal? A blackmail drop? Or is this just the way this chick is working her way through college? No, I didn't open it... Or take it. The romantic in me wants to think it's a "secret admirer" scenario. On the other hand, the canister was marked with an "x". Just to make it that much more intriguing.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Geocaching. -chazz
  • Probably a geocacher. -flapjackboy
  • Congratulations, you were observed. They are checking you background and history and a team on their way to capture you. Tonight. You're best bet now is to follow my instructions exactly. At the end of the cubicles, turn left, go to the 3rd door and go inside and open the window.... -GargoyleTS
  • Friggin muggles... -0gr3
  • You can verify the geocache location here: http://www.geocaching.com/ -PolarCoyote
  • Hope it was a geocacher. This isn't common anymore: http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/terrorists_spies/spies/walker/1.html -MisterCommon
  • I thought that kinda spy methodology went out w/ the Cold War! ;) -MadJack
  • Hey honey, do you what to know who killed JFK? NAME THAT MOVIE!!! -burrkiss
  • Nick Cage in "The Rock" -slowANDeasy
  • The rock... loke that movie. " Your best? Losers whine about their 'Best' - winners go home and fuck the prom queen." -Harm
  • Yeah, and Jerry Garcia was an MI6 agent! -Captain Trips
  • 24. Why I'm Wrong

    "Thank you for calling CableISP, home of the Whopper, how may I lower my expectations for you today?"

    "Yeah, I just reformatted my computer and lost all my e-mail. I had some pretty important stuff in there and I was wondering if there was any way to get another copy?"

    "Did you perhaps save it or print it out?" (I hastily log in to her e-mail account, which shows no mail more than a few hours old)

    "No."

    "Then, I'm sorry, but no."

    "Is there any way you might have a copy on file there?"

    "Unfortunately not. Your e-mail is only stored with us until you check it and download it to your computer. After that, we no longer have it."

    "Don't you maybe have a backup or something?"

    "No, Ma'am. We don't keep backups of e-mail."

    "Are you SUUUUUUUUUUURRRREEE? Could you maybe check?"

    "There's nothing to check, Ma'am. When you check your e-mail, it leaves our computer and arrives at yours. There is no other place for the mail to be. If you delete it, it's gone."

    "A big company like yours doesn't make BACKUPS?!?!" She's lecturing me on backups. How orgasmic.

    "We back up information critical to our system, yes. We back up customer data and usage logs, not personal e-mail."

    "Well, I really need that e-mail back. I'm in the process of moving and I have a lot of receipts in that e-mail that I need. You've got to be able to get them from SOMEWHERE!!!!"

    "I'm sorry to hear that, Ma'am, but the only place you could get that from would be any backups you might have made. We don't have it."

    "I'd like to talk to your supervisor."

    Ah, great. Another nugget who thinks they can turn lead into gold by asking for a supervisor. I give the standard "This is not a supervisor issue/My supervisor will not be able to offer a different answer" routine, then after sufficiently wasting both our times, get my super on the line. What's the first thing this bint says to my supervisor?

    "Hi. Yeah... I was talking to linkv, and he seems to be a nice guy, but I just don't think he understands what I'm asking..."

    [By: linkv]
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  • Dor the record, I fscking despise POP3. -Seamus
  • "Yeah, I threw all my paper receipts into the incinerator, can you get them back?" -Captain Trips
  • /For -Seamus
  • Sheesh, the moron FORMATS her HD and it's YOUR fault? {starts loading gun} -udoshan
  • That's why I use IMAP exclusively. -linuxmatt
  • been the supervisor in that aspect too many times. " yes we keep back ups, of OUR stuff... your email is not considered OURS nor is it what is known as CRITICAL.. its in the EULA you signed. if there had been a fault on OUR servers, then yes it would be our issue, however as they were and are working to specification, its not our problem." -Harm
  • This reminds me of another story about how he sent an email using free web-based email and ask if we can recall it (I was in DSL support that time-no he did not get our email service just the connection)...wow the pleading...>_< gotta write that one up sometime... -Angelace
  • Of course if you were keeping backups of her emails, that would prove how her privacy isn't being respected... -MeanDean
  • Conversely, I loath IMAP. I have a couple of users who like to think they're all cutting-edge and vastly superior with their phones that check email but they never, ever go to the server to delete *anything*. Then they neep that they've exceeded their mailbox quota and don't have a clue how to weed out the stuff they don't want to keep. And we have to pay monthly storage on our disk usage, so yeah. Also, their company-furnished PC has a backup HD and a backup utility that will backup their documents and email, but only the stuff they download to the PC. -Tekkie
  • Tekkie we suffer from the same issue, getting people to clean their freaking emails. "But, but I only have a few." *Wander over to look* "Well that one with 27MB of pictures from your family reunion might do it..." -LazyLemming
  • "Woman--gonna beat th' fucking shit outta you...an' your little dog too!" -vacuumtubes
  • "But...when I signed up, I was TOLD that you guys would do backups for me!!" Ah, Rule #1 is illustrated again... -Trillian
  • That is why I use web based email. I do imagine that if this gentleman said "but now I have to download all my ki**y pron again" those emails would magically reappear. -volmtech
  • 25. "Obvious" has no meaning

    As part of my job at SPED, Inc., I've been tasked with doing some significant upgrades of our networks, as well as installing wired security cameras in the company's 20+ locations. This is not especially difficult work, but it is time-consuming and does require a certain amount of care to be done correctly. I'd say a good 85% of the project time at each location is allotted to stringing cable (Cat-5 and video) throughout each building. What's funny is that my co-worker and I will be at each building for a full day, sometimes two, and often a visitor will take notice of us. The visitor will see the two of us popping acoustic ceiling tiles and punching holes in the walls, then unrolling big spools of cable and fishing them through the ceiling. They will process the visual of two men opening up the ceiling, holding wire, and putting said wire into the hole in the ceiling. Then, they'll ask the site director "Hey, what are they doing?"

    To which, the SD will reply "They're working on the wiring." Usually, the SD doesn't specify why.

    At that point, the visitor's eyes will widen, and they'll nod with understanding. "Ohhhhhhh...." they'll mumble, finally comprehending what they're seeing.

    It baffles me to try and understand WHAT they thought we were doing before the matter was explained to them in such small words. It confuses me further as to what ELSE two workers stuffing wire into a building could be, other than "working on the wiring". And finally, I'm dumbfounded at the fact that this has happened at least five times over the course of 20+ installs. That's at least a 25% dumbass rate.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • That 25% is the amount dumbasses who can breathe and navigate at the same time, out of the full total of dumbassery available in a given day. -Grue
  • Grue's qualification to that statistic is essential. -concept14
  • Well ya see, all the hot air in this place is rising and lifting the building so this here wire is to add reinforcement and tie the place down so y'all don't float away. -AussieFoot
  • Here's your sign. -McSmiley
  • is this including the people who don't understand, but don't bother with asking anyone? -razmann
  • "Actually, they're copper wire thieves who are hiding their ill-gotten booty in the LAST place that anyone will ever look!" -Voz
  • Heh. SPEDs. -LDFeral
  • Being an operations manager in 400+ seat call centers, If I see someone I don't know doing something I don't know about, damn right I'm going to ask. But hey, if my boss or facilities guy says 'they're working', I'm happy to take the answer. -AngrySup
  • reminds me of a story I can't find now, about some guys doing a wiring job that was specced without noticing a cinderblock firewall in the middle of the building. Ended up using an RC car w/flashlights taped on it to pull the runs. The kicker was that the team leader was able to expense the RC car. -CTYankee
  • AngrySup- Do I REALLY need to specify that the people asking these questions are clients/customers, NOT employees? -linkv
  • They probably saw "Die Hard" and think you're terrorists wiring up some C4 to blow the building sky high. -rdwells
  • SPED? I tought it was SEPD - the Somebody Else's Problem Department. -Chromatix
  • 26. When Batman Villains Go Legit...

    "Yeah, so... how much is that stick of memory?" asks a customer. For a moment, I wonder what would happen if stores decided to put little slips of paper by all their products, listing prices for each item. Clearly, such thoughts are the sign of madness. I make a note to schedule an appointment to have a demon-extracting hole drilled in my skull.

    Sorry, I digress. "It's $59.99."

    "Well, SORRY THERE BUDDY! I hate to tell ya, but Egghead has you beat!!!"

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • So go to Egghead! (Wasn't he played by Vincent Price?) -Captain Trips
  • "You're paying extra for the convenience of being able to walk out with it now, instead of having to wait for it to be shipped to you; it's even possible that the difference in the price is less than the cost of shipping from an online store. Also, there's a mandatory 10% Stupid Tax for forcing us to deal with you in person." -AmazingKreskin
  • he prpbably isnt even looking at the same type of memory. -burrkiss
  • That's awesome. So shall I ring one up for you now, or are there other items you can't wait 2 weeks to receive? -Mushroom
  • When some smug bastard rants off about Egghead/TigerDirect/etc, I ask them "So you researched them online? Do you realize that you could've researched US online as well? Would've saved you a trip." That smug bastard grin fades away, they slunk off, and leave me to my peace... -udoshan
  • huh - having used NCIX and tigers, i usually find that the local stores come out cheaper. may not be the exact same - but if i need it NOW , its in my hot little paws - and no having to chase UPS. -Harm
  • 27. My Latest Poster
    Not "Bump the Link"-worthy, but postable: http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb258/linkvb06/posters/37246_1353235947784_1137960273_3079.jpg
    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Considering the iPhone... Shouldn't that be more like "do everything under the sun EXCEPT for its original intended purpose"? -Seamus
  • Considering the iPad, shouldn't it be "make it worse"? -OgdenTechGuy
  • Considering the Apple // line, how about a functional TCP/IP stack with applications? -Mushroom
  • Considering the iPhone 4, shouldn't that be "make it drop signal unless you're a Russian contortionist." -flapjackboy
  • Again considering the iPad... shouldn't that be give it an awful name? -Seamyst
  • "Better, faster, cheaper. (Pick 2)" -Captain Trips
  • "See that? Whatever it is, I'm going to make it awesomer... IN THEORY!" -unrenowned
  • Mushroom, you mean AppleTalk wasn't viable? NO! -PeterGibons
  • 28. Linkv vs. Type-A

    BG: I am in the middle of doing something I've never done before. Therefore, I'm taking it one step at a time and constantly checking the instructions. Type-A comes up to me,bubbly and cheerful, as her sort tends to be.

    "Wow, I can see you really focusing there."

    *I don't even look up.* "MMmmmm hmmmm."

    "I know why you have to concentrate so much. See, I just took a personality test today. And you know what? I'm an A. So I could never do that kind of work."

    At this point, I realize this is going to become a conversation, regardless of my level of involvement. I look up. "Oh?"

    "Yeah, see, you work best when you're able to focus on something and concentrate on it. You don't like distractions..."

    "That's true..." *looking back at my instructions*

    "But me, I do. I live on distraction. I always need to be involved. So I'd go crazy doing something like that. I need to get out and talk to people."

    *Once again, looking up from my instructions, concentration broken mid-word* "Everyone's different..."

    "That's what my test told me! And you're at your best when you can concentrate, because you do a lot of detail work! I don't like details, I just want to work with people!"

    *Trying very hard to pay attention to the diagram* "It's what you're good at."

    "Exactly!"

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • If ANYONE ever needed an Otis session... -Stryker One
  • Why do people like this get offended when they say, in their banal way, "wow! you look busy!" and you look them dead in the eye, clear your throat, and announce "Yes, F*cough* off," and go back to whatever has caught your attention? -LDFeral
  • Perhaps the worst I've encoountered along this type of conversation are my parents. They constantly cut me off mid-sentence when i'm trying to explain something to them, wonder openly why I'm not as attractive as a supermodel & have zero interest in fashion or art, and that just want to be left alone when I come home from work. -skippytpodar
  • To this scenario I would suggest honesty. Linkv: "Yes, you work well with distractions, and we've established that I do not. And this is a critical operation I've never done before, I need to concentrate on it WITHOUT distractions, which you are giving me. Please let me finish this and THEN you can distract me all you want." -Captain Trips
  • Too bad they can't actually comprehend the distractions they cause.... -MadJack
  • "I am defusing a bomb here. If you want to meet your creator, continue to distract me..." <eg> -Dr Jerkyl
  • Oh yes. "What would help you get this done tonight?" "How about not having to sit down and talk about it every ten minutes." -Chromatix
  • A good lawyer could get a hostile workplace or ADA violation out of that. -concept14
  • 29. King Fish Fails on Two Fronts

    It's been a while since I posted a King Fish story. For those who don't remember: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=71183 . Sometimes, the difference between stupid and not is just a matter of sincerity. There are cases where you can say the dumbest thing in the world, and as long as you know it's dumb, it's okay. This is an example of the other possibility: when someone is stupid only BECAUSE they think they're being witty.

    So again, King Fish and I were in the car together (I remind you that I was usually a captive audience) and we get stuck in traffic behind a VW Jetta.

    King Fish asks me, "Hey, do you like that car?"

    "As a matter of fact, yes I do. I like those a lot."

    "I bet I know why. It's 'cause of those Jetta Knights, isn't it?"

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • "Fuck this .. I'm walking" -Harm
  • <Attempting the Vader Throat Crush> I find your lack of braincells disturbing, KingFish... -ChildofCthulhu
  • ....it's Vuvuzela time. -vacuumtubes
  • Cheddar Knight, actually. http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0086.html or http://www.darthsanddroids.net/academy/ for active silliness -LDFeral
  • Didn't the Jetta descend from the VW Quantum? (The problem with those was that no one could find a decent quantum mechanic!) -Captain Trips
  • Especially with the current VW marketing campaign, why am I picturing the Emperor punching Darth Vader in the shoulder, saying, "White one..."? -Voz
  • badum bum, ching -McSmiley
  • a talking one would be... -stiffarm
  • Yes,but a Jetta's strength flows from the Fords. </Toy-yoda> -MacDaddy
  • 30. Attenton TSC
    Gary Lockwood (aka Gary Mitchell) was just informed of his legendary status on TSC. I don't think I adequately expressed what a starfish is... :-/
    [By: linkv]
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  • Who is that? Is this something from before I started hanging here? -DarkRookie
  • Wait... what? -Seamyst
  • king fish i take it? -Harm
  • Gary Lockwood played Lt. Cdr. Gary Mitchell in the Star Trek episode "Where No Man Has Gone Before". In one scene, he used his new telekinetic powers to strangle a guard with a power cord from inside his cell. This is the "Gary Mitchell Maneuver" - one we wish we could do to the Starfish on the other end of the phone. -Divinar
  • He also portrayed the quintessential frustrated user in 2001:A Space Odyssey (Killed by H.A.L. while troubleshooting!) -Captain Trips
  • As the coiner of 'the Gary Mitchell Maneuver", wait, what? How'd that happen? (and I hope he doesn't dislike it...) -MadJack
  • DR: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=56605 http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?t=425&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=75 -MadJack
  • Surely he'd have gotten a kick out of it. He strikes me as a down-to-earth guy. -vacuumtubes
  • 31. The $5 Scanner

    I grew up in what many call "a really, really, redneck town". True enough, it was breeding grounds for fucknuggets. Education wasn't emphasised, work experience was something that happened to "other people", and most people didn't worry about much beyond where their next case of beer was coming from.

    This is a story of one of our town's braintrust.

    Back in the late 90s, I was in the middle of high school and enjoying my first computer capable of running Windows. I was always a creative sort, and so I really would have liked to have had a scanner. However, at the time, a decent scanner was starting at $350, and something that I would have really liked was probably going to be a lot more. It was in that range where it was vaguely affordable, but impractical for something no one else in the house would use. Also, since we didn't have a film camera (and digital was still a number of years from hitting maintstream), I did without.

    So, one day, I'm out working in the yard, and Fermented Freddy comes up to me. As usual, he doesn't appear to be firing on all thrusters, but it's up for debate if that was due to his GPA or his BAC. And he asks me, "Would ya like to buy a scanner?"

    I admit, this is not a question I'd ever expected from him. "Yeah, I've been wanting one for a while." Might as well listen, after all.

    "Yeah, my sister's got one and she's gettin' rid of her computer, and she don't need it no more. And I ain't never gonna use it. So... I need a case of beer. I'll sell it to you for $20 in beer money."

    Okay, you have my attention. This might be my one chance to get some new equipment in the house without having to save up my spare change for years. "Well, okay. But before I promise anything, I want to take a look at it and see what it can do."

    "Oh, it does all kinds of stuff. It's got a thing where you can hook it up to your computer, and if you want, you can just hook it right up to your printer. But I guess it works better with a computer. It's a real good scanner."

    Uh, buddy, don't oversell it. "Mmmkay. Yeah, just bring it buy whenever and I'll check the model number."

    "Sure, I'll bring it buy tomorrow." And with that, he walked off.

    I didn't see him again for several months, and never did get the chance to see the scanner he was offering me. When he returned, Freddy seemed kind of agitated. "Ummm... yeah, remember that scanner I was gonna sell you?"

    "Yeah."

    "You still want it?"

    "Maybe. Like I said last time, I have to see it first."

    "Well, I need $5 to buy a pack of cigarettes. So, 5 bucks and it's yours."

    "That's great, but like I said... I NEED TO SEE IT BEFORE I BUY IT."

    "It's a real good scanner!" Buddy... the fact that you're not a credible product representitive aside, it's not like my expectations are sky-high for a $5 scanner. All I'm asking is that you actually show me it exists.

    "Mmmmmkay. Bring it by."

    "Okay, I'll bring it by tomorrow." And again, he left, never to return for his $5.

    It was some time before I would get an epilogue to my story. Apparently, a few days after the "cigarette money" conversation, Freddy's sister was involved in a major counterfieting bust. The scanner in question had been used for said counterfieting, and the FBI had confiscated it when Freddy's sister (and I believe, Freddy himself) were hauled away in shiny new bracelets. So, I never did get my super-cheap redneck scanner... and more tragically, Freddy never got his beer money.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • I'm not altogether sure which laughter-acronym to use for this. -Seamus
  • If you lend someone $20 dollars, and you never see them again, it was worth the $20. -AngrySup
  • So his sister/wife was counterfitting money, but he wanted $20 for beer, why didn't he just use the scanner to... nevermind -PoglaTheGrate
  • @Polg: 'cause they were counterfeitting $10's and 'genius boy' wanted to move up to $20's ;) -minchazo
  • The story was great, as usual, but I got more entertainment from finally finding a typo in one of yours. But now I feel like a turd for pointing it out, so I broke even. -ThinTheHerd
  • Huh. I used to think about scanning and printing money. Then I realized all the hassle it'd be. And colored ink ain't cheap. (Yah, yah, printing money, I know) -LDFeral
  • TTT- I often type up my stories in notepad during my lunch breaks, so errors are not uncommon. Thanks for the vote of confidence, though, and for always reading my stuff =) -linkv
  • rednecks like ME are NOT that ignorant... so... kindly STFU -HappyCrappy
  • 32. How to mess with retention...

    ...without being a total dick yourself!

    For various reasons, I decided to cut my cable TV service, and today was the day I made the call. Expectedly, I was transferred to a retention agent, who of course was instructed to keep my account "By any means approved by CQA!" I worried not... I had no interest in reconsidering the matter, but I was also entering the conversation in a very good humor.

    "How can I help you today?"

    "Yes, I'd like to cancel my Cable TV service.

    "I see. May I ask why?"

    I relaxed and did the best deadpan I could muster: "Because they canceled Star Trek."

    "BECAUSE THEY CANCELED STAR TREK?!!?!??" The dude absolutely flipped a gasket. He obviously wanted to accuse me of making a prank call... but I'd verified my account info and PIN, and was being very polite and professional. He asked a question, I had answered it... and I just happened to pick an answer I knew he couldn't counter. "But... that was years ago..." I'm pretty sure I could hear blood dripping from the bite marks in his lip.

    "Uh huh. Nothing on now."

    "Would it help if I could offer you a better price on your bundle?" Okay, I know he had to say it, but this is the one part that almost made me drop the nice-guy routine. If my Cable Co. could afford to give me service at half price, they should have done it when I was a loyal customer, not when I was ready to quit. Still, I let it slide.

    "No, thank you.

    "Okay, well... it's canceled. Remember to bring your cable box back to the office." Even as he said it, and I wished him a good day, I'm still not sure he thought I was serious. I'd *LOVE* to read my own account notes after today!

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Note: I intentionally did not specify which Star Trek series I was mourning. It seemed more fun that way. -linkv
  • As far as I'm concerned, canceling ST:Voyager would have been cause to START cable service! I think the last thing Roddenberry would have wanted would have been to do a remake of Lost In Space (especially after CBS used the existence of that series as reason to reject ST:TOS back in '65.) -Captain Trips
  • Win! -RiffRaff
  • I gotta defend Voyager -- it loved that ST series. I keep wantining to cancel my cable TV, but online round here is only slightly worse as the BIG ISP basically control the interweebs. -Harm
  • I certainly preferred Voyager to the soap-opera-in-space that was DS9. -Chromatix
  • Aw, c'mon, DS9 was way better than Voyager! (/obligatory) (... and especially after they brought Worf's character over from TNG and the whole Klingon & Dominion storylines came about...) -MadJack
  • 33. Solved my ink problems
    I love the print quality on my HP D5160, but after buying refill cartridges, have been less crazy about paying for the ink, especially when all I have to do is print out a recipe. So, I resolved to buy a laser printer along with my next batch of replacement cartridges. Oddly enough, since making that decision, my D5160 has shown no signs of running out of ink, despite the meter reading "empty". So people, if you want your ink to last forever, promise to buy a new printer! ;-)
    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Or, just know that most inkjets are set up so the printer & driver will holler "LOW INK!" at 49% remaining, and complain "YOU'RE OUT OF INK!" at 29%...causing you to raise their profit margins by buying ink to replace what you just threw out. *grin* -Grue
  • I junked my inkjet because it would refuse to print in black if the colour cartridge was out. Which it did, despite me having printed two or three colour pictures in the last six months. Gah! -Xal
  • Just stay away from the HP2605 series of printers. The red (and other colors) fades, (due to a design fault) and HP knows the fix, but won't admit it or give directions for repair -srteach
  • My HP Officejet Pro 8500 gives a low ink warning with about 500 pages left, and says it's out of ink with about 250 pages left. Double that with the XL cartridges. I tell my users to ignore the message until it stops printing that color. -LazyLemming
  • 34. I've been through this before,,,

    "Thank you for calling CableISP, how can I accept blame for your stupidity today?"

    "Your server is messed up."

    "With which server are you currently experiencing difficulty, sir?"

    "Huh?"

    "CableISP operates several servers for our customers, each of which provides different functions. Which one have you been unable to use, sir?"

    "I can't send e-mail!"

    "I see. And what happens when you try?"

    "It says 'Server cannot be reached'. So your server is messed up." Note that by now, I had also gotten him to admit to using Outlook, and Outlook is known for giving unhelpful error messages.

    "Are you still able to access websites and receive mail?"

    "Yes!" Ah hah. Lack of effort to verify this noted. Well, your modem is online, so if you say all is good except for sending e-mail, you've hit our support boundaries and are rapidly teetering over into Don'tGiveADamnLand.

    "What Firewall are you currently using?"

    "I got the Nortins." (Well, a little penicillin should clear that right up...)

    "Thank you, sir. Please temporarily disable your firewall and close Outlook?"

    "What? No. I'm not doing anything, THIS IS ON YOUR END!"

    "Sir, your error message indicates an issue with your firewall. Disabling the firewall and re-testing is the next step in testing that."

    "NO! It says it cannot reach your server, that's YOUR problem! YOU TELL SOMEONE TO FIX IT! FILE A REPORT AND TELL YOUR SUPERVISOR!"

    "Sir, in order to file a trouble claim, I will need to list the troubleshooting steps used in identifying the problem. As you have not performed any of the steps I have asked of you, the ticket would be closed as it had been filed improperly. Please disable your firewall and close Outlook."

    "Look... I've been through this before..." Oh, that's cute. I take 40 calls a day from asshats like you with the same exact problems, but *YOU'RE* the one who's done this before. Priceless "I get this problem every now and then, and every now and then I have to call you people up, and I bitch and moan about your server... and then someone finally goes up to it and hits it with a hammer, and it starts working again. So just cut the crap and fix your server!"

    *Click*

    Account Notes: Customer called, unable to send e-mail. Possible firewall issue. Unwilling to troubleshoot. No further action taken.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Wow, y'know, I had a bunch of tickets today with the same notes. Only they DID dispatch them to me... I closed 'em all. <EG> -rosemetal
  • crap cut, ticket closed -stiffarm
  • I just loved to add that little note at the end. Customer unwilling to follow troubleshooting. That easily ended any other claim they made saying that I had been unhelpful. -PeshkForge
  • That sounds like a task that Otis might be able to complete without any errors Tink Tink BEFG, while running to the LART shelter -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 35. Pwned by a website

    Carl was one of my fellow CS majors in college. For an early graduation gift, he was given a car: a Chevy Cavalier. He loved it. He couldn't stop talking about it. within a week, everyone in the CD department knew well that CARL WAS THE PROUD OWNER OF A CHEVY CAVALIER.

    Until, of course, someone found out that the Chevy Cavalier was the top-rated car on a website called nicecarsforwomen.com

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • I would have said "Like, nice bait for fishing" 8) -AussieFoot
  • I'm on my second Chevy Cavalier. I've had one since 1992. I bought one the last year they were out, only because the last one finally died at 275,000 miles. This one is still going strong from 2004! I can't tell you whether or not it gets me women, sorry. I do get hit on by women all the time however, and I am one. (Sorry, no pics or video available.) -TechieSidhe
  • ahh the Tiburon.. great sports car - provided you have ovaries. -Harm
  • Do they still make the Chevy Cadaver? -Biosynthetic
  • Nope. The last year of the Cavalier was 2004. -TechieSidhe
  • Hey now! The car I bought when I moved back to Portland was a 1987 Cavalier RS - black, with red pinstripes. In the 6 years I had it, I put a tad over 80k miles on it. If the transmission hadn't started to go, I would have driven it for another year. -TheCyberwolfe
  • I hated mine ('99 RS). Tough little sumbitch though. -ThinTheHerd
  • One of the guys in my office had a Mazda MX2 for nearly a year, until he got fed up with everybody calling it a "hairdressers car" and traded it in. -Diptera
  • Sorry, but to me, a car only becomes a "Chick Car" if they paint it Pink . A Sucktomer of mine did this to a FORD MUSTANG KING COBRA!!!! -udoshan
  • The Cobalt's they replaced the cavalier with are actually pretty nice. And surprisingly, the SS model can burn rubber pretty darn well, I topped 130mph in a rental before deciding I didn't need a triple digit ticket... she could have gone a good bit faster. -LazyLemming
  • 36. Misplaced Entitlement

    "Yyeeeeeeaaahhhhh... My e-mail don't work."

    "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. What program are you using to check your mail?"

    "Outlook Express 4."

    "Ah, I see. CableISP no longer offers technical support for that version of Outlook Express."

    "WHAT??! What do you mean you don't support it!?!?"

    "Currently, we offer support for Outlook Express 6 and Netscape Communicator 6."

    "Well!" he scoffed, clearly the type who did not upgrade anything, ever, for any reason. "Which one of THOSE will YOU be sending me!?" The implication, of course, being that if we changed our support boundaries, we needed to buy the new software for him.

    "Actually, sir, both products are available free from their respective websites."

    "Oh... okay." He sounded almost disappointed that he couldn't bully us into spending our petty cash fund in order to give him a complimentary copy of OE6.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • To the tune of the Red Robin Hamburger Jingle: "Shhhiiiiiiiit-buckle! YUMMMMMM......" -vacuumtubes
  • He's still running Win98? -Jeckler
  • wait, Netscape Communicator? You still support that? -Caboose447
  • Don't laugh... I have a neighbor who was still running a Pentium II system with 64 megs, connecting to AOL via phone. AIEE!! -VoiceOfSanity
  • 37. YA Stupid Way To Build a Device

    (We should probably make it a point to not let these type of posts go past today, or some readers might get annoyed. Remember the "post funny spam" trend that lasted for way too long?)

    I'll never forget looking at a Sony PC tower, that had little doors over the floppy drive. Little doors... that latched with a magnet.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    38. From the 'Techs Can Be Starfish Too'File

    Ran into an old co-worker not too long ago:

    "Yeah, so, my new job is great! I'm doing all sorts of crazy things! Last week, I had to run some wiring through a solid concrete floor, so I spent all day using a jackhammer! It was awesome!"

    "I'm happy for you, but please, PLEASE tell me you're using ear protection when you do stuff like that."

    "Oh yeah. I plug in my iPod headphones and turn it them all the way up."

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • "What? I can't hear you! Speak up!" -unrenowned
  • Lots of people actually put conduit in those floors, and leave jet line in them "for future use". I wonder if he looked first... -Spyder19
  • I thought I was stupid, lv you've made me laugh for the first time in three or four days. thank you! -AdmiralLaurie
  • "Que? Kay? Cayyy?" -vacuumtubes
  • huh... there are drill that go through concreate.. pretty sure about that at least... -Harm
  • Harm -- carbide tipped bits. Far quieter than a jack hammer -- but then there's no need to deafen yourself with music! -Captain Trips
  • yeah, no reason to use a jackhammer when a hammer drill with an appropriate bit is all that's needed. wtf? (sorry wrong site heh) -desseb
  • But, if he didn't use the jackhammer, how would the tech get through the wall? What do you mean he could just walk around? -docbrown01
  • But the Jackhammer goes up to 11 -Zoomer
  • Maybe it was really just a hammer-drill. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Not many building owners want a jackhammer creating microcracks on a pre-cast concrete floor. It would ruin the integrity of the floor itself. -randyskier
  • 39. Covert Retail Remodeling

    BG: One of the many problems with the old RetailComputerStore was that the company had two styles of big-box stores, the “modern” design and the “legacy” design, and really only seemed to put resources into making the most out of the former. If you were in a legacy store, you just had to deal with the fact that you'd be shipped equipment and organizational plans that were designed for a completely different type of building... and you sucked it up. However, our legacy store had one advantage: Paul. He was our store manager, and his management style could be summed up by saying “Don't take shit from anyone.” And he didn't: regardless of the consequences, Paul didn't take it on the chin for customers, fellow employees, or upper management. I can't begin to say how much that impressed me.

    So, rather than just sit back and accept the crap shoveled at a legacy store, Paul drew up plans to redesign our building using only the resources we had on hand. He ran it by the District Manager several times, but could only get a lukewarm reaction. So, deciding that it just plain needed to be done, he closed the store one night, called the security office, and told them that some “late night work” would be done, so disregard any alarms that might go off.

    I told you all that to kind of explain why five guys in the store, after hours, with power tools, was such a revolutionary concept. In just a few hours, we planned to demolish a whole section of the store and rebuild it. And... it was well outside our job description, but we had volunteered to do it on an IMF basis. You know, if we were caught or killed, we had to remember that this REALLY wasn't an SOP thing in the first place. The next morning, we were supposed to show up and notice the store magically changed, with no one taking credit or blame.

    So... as much fun as it was to break stuff (a lot of stuff), everyone there was either a manager or manager-in-training, and so we're thinking this is a litigation nightmare if anything happens. We're all being really, really careful. My job is to break down a display cabinet, which had five tall, vertical power strips installed in the very back. These things were hammered into the wall studs themselves, and were nearly impossible to pull off. I had to smack them crooked with a hammer, and then just YANK them right off the stud. When they finally did detach, they made a very satisfying RRRRIIIPPPPP sound. Pretty cool change of pace for a computer geek.

    With safety in mind, of course we started this project by first unplugging the power strips. Except, of course, for the last one. I hammered it, grabbed it, yanked, and.... BAM! Gigantic sparks flew out of three sides, followed by me screaming “GAH! FUCK! DAMMIT!” I stood there in shock (of the surprise kind, fortunately not the electrical one) while everyone else stares at me with dinner-plate eyes, mentally composing their resignation letters. Teflon Steve broke the silence. “HAHAHAHAHA... oh my God, that's the funniest goddamn thing I've ever SEEN!!””

    And good times were had by all.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Now I've got to go to the library and borrow season 1 of "Home Improvement". -Biosynthetic
  • Oh! So "that's" why they call you Sparky! :p <flees to the LART shelter and activates the electrified fence> -TheGhost
  • So... what was the end result of the remodel? -exzyle2k
  • exzyle2k: probably something like this: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/ba/Seeking_valuables_in_the_wreckage,_Galveston,_Texas.jpg -Icelator
  • You needed one of these: http://www.drillspot.com/products/339316/Stanley_55-099_Fubar_Universal_Wrecking_Tool -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Lv, I cna't quit laughing. It's a good thing the cherry on this red velvet cupcake has a stem, I've almost had to extract it from my windpipe. Your writing style is excelelnt, and the content is an accidental changing of clothes waiting to happen! -AdmiralLaurie
  • TDD - I can vouch for those things!! We demolished a friends house and a few of those did a lot of damage! -redevil34
  • Why would you rip out power strips? Aren't those things generally useful? -Stryker One
  • Probably because they were ripping out the whole wall, and the power strips were attached to it. I assume somebody had enough common sense to provide extra power where it would be needed in the new layout. -Chromatix
  • Ah, man, too bad there aren't more bosses out there like yours. -MadJack
  • 40. Linkv Out-Steves Steve

    Remember my co-worker, Teflon Steve? The LARTmaster supreme? The one who could kick a customer in the balls and still manage to get a good review? He was awesome. Anyway, I got him good once. There was this one time Steve got a free laptop backpack from AMD for doing their training exercises. It was pretty sharp-looking, but he didn't like it. Despite the advertising, he didn't think it was well-padded, and since he didn't even have a laptop, he wanted to sell it to me.

    "Yeah, I'll totally sell this to you. Check it out, pouches for your cell phone, your iPod, and it's specially-made for the thinner mobile laptops, like yours." Note that even though we worked in sales, he still felt he had to pitch it. Not that it was needed-- I buy laptop bags like many women buy purses. I always want to have the right one for the job. As soon as he told me it was for sale, I was reaching for my wallet.

    "Cool. Plenty of space for books."

    "I'm seeing bags like this on eBay for $70. I'll sell you this one for ten." Note that he didn't say he was selling it because it lacked proper padding for a laptop.

    I plunked two fives in his hand, then examined my prize. The first thing I did was find a small zipper on the seam, which opened the entire back of bag, and revealed a huge pocket with padding as thick as my thumb. "Oh, this IS a nice bag!"

    "Son of a bitch! I've had this bag for three months, I never once saw that! You have it in your hands for ten seconds and find it! I was selling the damn thing because I couldn't find the padded compartment they kept talking about! Fuck, I guess it's yours!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • Oh, very nicely done! -Seamyst
  • LinkV - 1 awsome bag plus several million for good observation / thinking - Steve 10 bux and minus several million for... obviouse reasons... -Harm
  • It's good to see that I am not the only person in the world constantly purchasing the "perfect" bag. Haven't found it yet, but am still trying. It MUST exist! BTW, good on ya, and if you are not actually using that bag, can I buy it? -NoneOther
  • Nice! The only perfect laptop bag I have ever owned was one by Hell computers. it was the best laptop bag. Pitty I couldn't keep it. -AdmiralLaurie
  • NoneOther- I wore that bag every day for the next three and a half years until the bottom shredded. I hated to let it go, but it had served me well. I'm currently using a $40 bag from Best Buy that I like just as much. Oh, and I'm just as bad with camera bags. -linkv
  • Actually the bag had been hiding that compartment specifically for you. Steve had built up just a bit too much negative karma. You, on the other hand, benefitted from the surplus in your account. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 41. Tin Foil Hats & Wizard Caps

    "Okay, sir, now to pull up your account, could I have your phone number?"

    "No, I don't give that out, ever."

    "I understand your concern, sir, but we only use the data for three things: returns, recalls, and repairs."

    "I'm not giving you that data."

    "Without your customer data, sir, I'll have no way of recording your purchase, which is a necessity on a credit card purchase of this size."

    "Fine... it's 212-555-1234." No, I'm not making that up. We both knew he made it up on the spot. I key it in, and it brings up 'Harry Potter, 515 Hogwarts Ln, JKRowlingsville, NY 12345'

    I turn my screen to let him see it."And I'm pulling up 'Harry Potter'. Is this your correct name and address, sir?"

    He gave me his smuggest, I-beat-the-system grin. "Yep! Sure is!"

    "Great! Well, I'm finalizing the sale now. Here's your reciept, you can pick up your item up front."

    "Hey, wait! I'm supposed to get a rebate."

    "Yepper! Here's your rebate form, and all your data has been filled out for you."

    I showed him the paper, which basically said that he was entitled to a $200 check.. that would be made out to Harry Potter. "Uhhh... Ummm..."

    "That's why I made sure to check the address we had on file, because once I finalize the sale, I can't change it. Have a good day!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • GIVE that man a fucknugget tax. -vacuumtubes
  • Hahahahahaha, awesome! -Seamyst
  • there's now cold coffee all over my keyboard, phone and monitor. LMAO! -AdmiralLaurie
  • Stupify! -ActingUpAgain
  • i usually hate this saying... but: pwned! -rosemetal
  • Bwahahaha. This is why you (the customer) learn to say, "Can you tell me what it's for?" Of course, in your case, when you told him straight out what it was for... ah well. His loss, and $200 that will never be claimed! (Can I have it? I want a cat and need to post a deposit with my landlord for carpet cleaning...) -AnneBWalsh
  • Unfortunately, due to my time at TigerDirect, I know that this fucknugget will simply demand a return and then repurchase using his own info... Which pooches your numbers. -exzyle2k
  • Excuse my ignorance, but this doesn't make sense to me. If this obviously-fake number was, as you say, “made up on the spot,” why did it find a (presumably dummy, for tests) record in the database? -Mikoangelo
  • Miko- The system at my old company kept stuff forever. This Fish wasn't the first to try to put in fake info. -linkv
  • ... and the Golden LART Award goes to...: Linkv! :D :D :D -TheGhost
  • I hate to pull this but ... Pics of the check or it didn't happen >8^) -Necros
  • 42. Ah, pretention... (NT/OT)

    My ex-gf was what I'd call a "music snob". That is to say, she fancied herself an expert on every band there ever was, considered Kurt Cobain to be more important to history than Ghandi, Lincoln, and Aristotle combined, and thought that being uninterested in the lives of local garage bands was a mild form of retardation. When we first started going out, I thought it was cute and interesting. By the end, I found it annoyting and pretentious.

    So, one day we venture out from the small town she lived in to do shopping in a "Big City" mall, and as soon as she hit the music store, she went into overdrive. My Ex found the Hot-Topic-Appareled employee and began to expound upon her wisdom.

    So midway through the conversation, I walked up to my Ex, put my arm around her, snuggled a second, held her hand... made sure it was obvious we were a couple... then turned to the clerk and asked "Hey, where's your David Hasselhoff stuff at?

    [By: linkv]
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  • And thus was the end of your relationship, hmm? *laughs* Nice. -NightSteel
  • better off ex. -Captain Trips
  • I would have asked about Weird Al -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Kurt Cobain? Bah! The correct answer is Greg Sage. -MeanDean
  • EMOs and GenYs get a little upset when I comment that Kurt Cobain was a L-O-S-E-R. He had what almost every teen-to-20s person in the western world wanted (fame, fortune, trophy wife), but couldn't handle the success and was also a junky. And he took the coward's way out. As far as I'm concerned, most who idolize Cobain can join him. Either way should work. -Wraith556
  • Kurt Cobain? Who's she? (Ghost! Open that damn' door - fast!) -Gromit
  • ahhh yes.. i think we have ALL has ex's like that.. for the recods Simple Plan is uninspired manufactured CRAP! still bitter about being forced to listen to it.. constantly - thank god i was stoned most of the time... -Harm
  • "and then the fight started" -SpitefulTech
  • All David Hasselhoff stuff is in Germany. -AussieFoot
  • " ... and thats about when everything whent down hill and i resorted back to Internet Pr0n" -Harm
  • "I, as your Chief of Staff, will implement world domination plan 433B... With our new access to military satellite uplinks, we will jam the frequencies of every radio station with nothing but Kenny G, Yanni, and the soulful spasms of John Tesh... Exposure to these flaccid tonalities will soften the cerebral tissue, rendering the entire population our personal slaves." - Brain -Biosynthetic
  • 43. Whppersnapper returns (pt 2)

    "I can't work on that laptop."

    "Why not?"

    "The customer didn't give me the power cord."

    Allright, fair answer, we've got another 'but it's wireless!' fish today. Still, this REALLY COULD have been brought to my attention a day or two prior! "Look, they're not asking for a lot of work here. You could probably do it on just the battery charge. Just in case, I'll scrounge up a spare power supply for you."

    When the computer being serviced is a recent model (as was the case here) it's a trivial matter to go out to the floor and grab a power supply off of a display model. This was an HP system, and checking the specs on the supply is just a formality across similar model lines. "Here you go."

    He didn't even look at it. "If it's not the right power supply, it won't work."

    "It'll work."

    "This computer takes a 19 VOLT input! Is that 19 VOLTS!?!"

    "18.5."

    "No! If it's not EXACT, it won't work! The amperage can be a little off, but the voltage can NEVER change! If it doesn't say 19 volts, it won't work. JUST BECAUSE THE TIP FITS DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SWAP STUFF AROUND!"

    "So... I guess I'm just imaginging the six HP laptops we have on display, all marked '19 volts' that ship from the factory with 18.5 volt power supplies in the box?"

    [By: linkv]
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  • Get that fucknugget out of the office. And stick that 19.5v power supply up his ass... -vacuumtubes
  • Oops, I added a volt. Lo siento, and I want mah dollah an' mah taco, bitch! -vacuumtubes
  • Tie his hands with a 18.5 and his feet with a 19 and tell him that "see they do both do the same job'. That or whip his ass with both of them and see if he can tell the difference. -LadyLineswine
  • LadyLineSwine, do all three and its called a fun saturday night..... -TechKittenNotts
  • And you can't have your manager "overhear" these conversations with this shit-for-brains why? If this dumbass had worked with me at Tiger, I woulda had him fetching carts in torrential downpours as entertainment. Prick... -exzyle2k
  • 18.5V at 5% tolerance is 17.575 to 19.425 . 19V at 5% tolerance is 18.05 to 19.95 . Geez. Tell'em to quit sucking his own dick and, oh, I dunno, USE BOTH BRAIN CELLS AT THE SAME TIME!!!! -ralphp1024
  • Rofl @ Lady L! And I agree with her, tie him to the chair with one and whip his..... wel..... with the other. watch him whimper. once he's silent, say "and the company ships 18.5 chargers with these lappies, so guess what? s.t.f.u, do your job, or get out! -AdmiralLaurie
  • What would he make of me, I'm running some little printers - require 16V AC @ 4A off a 20V DC @ 5A - with no problems... (NOTE: 16V AC rectified with no load is 22.624V DC...) -Wonko The Sane
  • Introduce him to 277V. That should learn him voltage. -DarkRookie
  • Here the mains run at 240V but a lot of PSUs have a 110/120V and a 220/240V setting. They are usually designed for 220V and have a much higher failure rate here than ones with individual settings. -AussieFoot
  • LMAO@vacuumtubes -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 44. Whippersnapper Returns (pt 1)

    You all remember Whippersnapper, the kid who was convinced he was the best tech ever spawned? The guy who told customers that he was safe from viruses because his computer had *gasp* more than one hard drive! Yeah, that guy?

    Well, a laptop came into the shop and sat around untouched for a while. It was due to be picked up soon, so I went to check with the tech assigned to work on it. Guess who that ended up being?

    [By: linkv]
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  • Guess he and Mr. Legend In His Own Mind are related, since Mr. Legend too believes he's the best tech in existence... -elcapitane
  • 45. Adaptorfish pt. II

    "It... doesn't quite work that way. Your old tip is not going to work on this new cord. Without both parts, you'll have no way of plugging it in."

    "Well, shouldn't it COME with the tip?" If it did, why would we sell them seperately? And why would you insist that a $40 charger would come with 50 possible tips that could be used with it, 49 of which you'll have no use for? Notwithstanding the fact that including that many tips in the box would undoubtedly raise the price of the adaptor way more than the $4 you can't bring yourself to spend.

    "The tip is not included. That's why I offered it to you." Working with starfish on a daily basis has taught me that "obvious" is not the solid concept I once thought it was, but rather, has dozens of different degrees which vary according to whatever our city puts in its water this week.

    "Can't I use this $20 cord?"

    You must SERIOUSLY think I'm just grabbing random crap off the shelves. If you could use the $20 cord, I'd have offered you that one. You probably think I'm trying to rip you off. Why is it that, between the two of us, the one who makes his living knowing about electronics (me) is assumed to be the idiot? "The tip is not included. That's why I offered it to you."

    "Well, how about I use this instead?"

    "Sir, that's a car adaptor..."

    [By: linkv]
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  • "...and, Sir, the word is out--you are a fucknugget. A genuine, dyed-in-the-wool, Muncie-bred, fucknugget. Now be a dear and get out of the pool..." -vacuumtubes
  • He is, without a doubt, the proverbial Baby Ruth bar floating in the swimming pool. -Biosynthetic
  • But on the other hand, to strangle the fishies you can use any cable. Here, have this $5 power cord, it will work. -TheGhost
  • <da> Couldn't ya just offer the charger and tip as a one price package deal(well depending on charger price)? It would at least help(sorta) with making sure they have both. <da> -MrJay67
  • Mrjay- any time you quote anything other than what's on the tag, you invite further argvment -linkv
  • "OK, the charger is $40 without the tip to fit your laptop. The charger with the tip to fit your laptop will be $40, plus $4. The charger the way you are asking for it, with all possible tips included, will be $240!" -Voz
  • TheGhost - no need to waste a power cord. While the cord he brought in is not useful as an adapter, it can be used as a garotte for no extra cost. linkv should have demonstrated this for him. -MeasureThrice
  • Sell the adaptor and tip in a 'pack' for $50, with the boxes held together with elastic 'because of the environmental packaging reduction initiative" ? -Geminii
  • <DA>Considering that there are sales drones that do try to rip off the customer it isn't surprising that customers have trouble believing anything that doesn't fit their world view.</DA> Not believing their own eyes that plug A does not fit socket B is definitely in the starfish category though. -AussieFoot
  • 46. Adaptorfish

    BG: Because power supplies are not really standardized across brands, much less device, it's not cost-effective to stock OEM power supplies for the bulk of devices we typically carry. Instead, my (former) company would stock a universal power adaptor ($20-$80, depending) and with it you'd buy the appropriate tip for your device ($4). I didn't think this was an incredibly challenging concept, but sadly, I'd have to repeat this conversation with 90% of the people buying this setup:

    "Hey, do yiz have a power cord fer dis?" (customer hands me a device, usually a paleolithic laptop)

    "Yes. We sell these universal power adaptors, since we don't have enough shelf space to stock all the OEM adaptors out there. For that, you'll need THIS adaptor and THIS is the tip that will let you plug it in." I show these to the customer, who should be able to clearly see that the device tip I'm holding is designed to be modular, while the one on the power cord they're replacing is not. Even still, you can see their six functioning brain cells trying to figure out a way to whittle a few bucks off of this purchase.

    "Oh, well, I already have the tip, I just need the cord." (customer grins at his ingenuity and fiscal brilliance. I never did understand how they planned to plug their old tip into the new cord... what, cut it off and tie the two in a knot?)

    [By: linkv]
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  • That is not beyond expectation. I once saw a wall-wart power supply that had its wires ripped apart and then TIED together (yes, all four ends into one knot). Naturally the transformer had then slagged when plugged in. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Oh, goody! Another Scotty wannabe. Let's hope he gets lost in a transporter accident involving a microwave oven and a marital device. -Biosynthetic
  • Cheap & dumb are often fellow travelers. -lineswine
  • 47. Comcast van boot caption contest
    Engadget's on the money: http://www.engadget.com/2009/04/21/caption-contest-its-deadbeat-tastic/#comments
    [By: linkv]
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  • Finally: a legitimate reason for the technician not showing up... -unrenowned
  • Headline News: Today, a local Chicage neighborhood gave Comcast more than a complaint - they gave Comcast the boot! More after the weather ... -PCChaos
  • 48. When Telco CSRs fail basic science

    So, a few years back, I was using a prepaid calling card to check in with a few friends. Said card was causing me some difficulty. So, I called the support number on the back and got Miss "HiHowCanIHelpYouToday".

    "Yeah, I'm having a really weird issue with this calling card. I've been trying to call my friend at ###-###-####, and every time I do, it disconnects me. It's been happening for the past five days, and it only affects that number."

    "I'm sorry, sir, but please keep in mind that most of our state has been wrecked by the recent hurricane. It's affected a lot of our systems."

    "The hurricane was three days ago."

    "Right, and we still haven't repaired all the damage, but we're working around the clock!"

    "Yes, I understand that, but I'm saying my difficulties started two days BEFORE the hurricane."

    "...well, that just shows you how badly the storm hit us!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • Ma'am, your hose-n-close-fu is WEAK. -Seamus
  • Well I have heard of predictive maintainance but predictive damage? -Zoomer
  • FEMAnugget. -vacuumtubes
  • Forget basic science, this luser CSR just failed Logic 101. Punishment for failure: Forty whacks with OTIS. -tech4alltrades
  • Tech4allTrades: Going by the previous post I think that qualifies this CSR for a guest appearance by Lizzie. -lurker
  • 49. All Might Be Known

    ...it's a good possibility, at least. And it's surprising how few people get that. See, bear in mind that in my previous job, I sold computer stuff at a RetailComputerStore. Stupid corporate policies, starfish customers, and managers with delusions of grandeur. In my current job, I'm working for a small company and have no real contact with the customers. Three guesses which job I like better. *grin*

    So, one day at my new job, I walk buy while two of my co-workers are reading a news article.

    "Oh my God! Look here, it says that computer store workers have been caught snooping around in customer PCs that have been brought in for repair! They'll check out your browsing history, and your pictures folder... and geez, if you have something embarassing in there..."

    "Uh-huh. Yeah, and..?"

    "Well, you bring your computer in to get fixed, you never think that someone would go looking at it."

    "Uh, yeah." It's then that they put 2 and 2 together and remember that I was one of these "shifty employees" in the not-too-distant past. What kills me is that we're not talking about starfish... we're talking about employees at an IT company who know how easy it is to find stuff on a PC... even if you're NOT looking!

    "Do you like, KNOW anything about that? I mean, finding naked pictures of a customer and copying them onto your own personal thumb drive?"

    "I *might* know some things." I grinned.

    "And this is common?"

    "Happens all the time. Hey, you give your PC to a tech, they have access to it, period. If there's something on there you don't want seen, it's too late. Sorry" And with that, I walked off. The two of them just couldn't BELIEVE that someone would notice the "special" folder on a customer's desktop, and certainly not that it happens on a daily basis. And most of all, they couldn't POSSIBLY think that they'd been working right alongside such a cunning tech all these years!

    Hey, I trust my mechanic, but all the same I wouldn't leave a stack of fifties on the front seat when I drop the car off...

    [By: linkv]
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  • Leave the stack of fifties on the seat, and me to guard them. I'll garuntee the Mechanic doesnt get them..... and thats all I'll garuntnee! -ApolloSZ
  • And let us not forget that often this is a company provided PC and the contents are usually sufficient grounds for dismissal. Analogy is a company provided car and dope in the glove compartment. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Thus: never leave anything at all incriminating - including browser history - on any PC which you don't have the means to nuke+pave yourself AFTER a PSU or disk controller failure. -Geminii
  • 50. Mario vs. Starfish

    Check out this great video put out by Nintendo in 1991... telling their front-line employees how to deal with problem customers. Gotta love the refreshingly honest approach-- they're pretty honest about the fact that some customers will be abusive, some will act like they know everything, and some will flat out try to rip you off. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYjgHLFZMa0

    [By: linkv]
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  • I love the young Dr. Phlox (John Billingsley) as the "Bully" nerd! -VWFtech
  • Cleaning kit? Pssh. BLOW IN IT! -veaudaux
  • 51. From the "Embrace the Stereotype" file:

    A short, thin asian woman came in, looking intently at our desktop computers. I had asked her what she was looking for, but it seemed that she wasn't happy with anything on the shelves.

    "Is all cheap junk!"

    "Well, we do carry some higher-end models in addition to these..."

    "Is plastic!"

    "Um, yes, some parts of our computers are made from plastic."

    She pick up her fist and starts pounding on top of the PC "Look! It sounda lika toy!" She turns, looks at me for a response, then just to make sure I got the message, started pounding on the PC again "IT SOUNDA LIKA TOY!!!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • Was this before you reminded her of the "You break it, You bought it." policy of the store ? Not to mention the destruction of property charge that could be brought upon her if she refused. -Necros
  • "...and thennnnnnnnnnnn?" -vacuumtubes
  • "...you looka like idiot! Me give you sign? Me beat you long time!!!....." (well, two can play fractured english) -CTYankee
  • CTY: That's "Engrish" -unrenowned
  • I think she wanted something harder than plastic. Possibly she wants to play with Igor. Igor is very very hard. -kennz
  • <enter smart a$$ zone> Well it has to be plastic to prevent electronic interference due to magnetic waves coming via the metal case.<I think I'll stay a smart a$$> -docfl
  • correction to above, dont know if its correct but sounds good :-P -docfl
  • Yeah, but do you looka like a man? Did she tell you everyting? -TechDaddy
  • Otis no sounda like toy, meet Otis! Tink! -Enzedder
  • You are all sounda Italian nota asian to me. -Jax
  • Asian Luser, pounding on PC "Is plastic!" Tech: "Is busted, is sold!" -lineswine
  • From my experiences in retail (not stereotyping here) some asians seem to be very interested in the manufacturing quality of things. I sold sunglasses and they were the only customers who would ask me where they were made. -SirBSOD
  • oh yeeaa. yeeaa. Hee Looka like a man. </Miss Swane> -Harm
  • as far as asians and interest in quality- they seem to know WHICH *cough*asian*cough countries make the cheapest shite and try to avoid it. -HappyCrappy
  • 52. Linkv as management scapegoat = FAIL

    One day, Bossman was in a particularly bad mood, and called me into his office.

    "Linkv," says he, "Our department is really not doing too well. We've got to find out where we're going wrong and stop this. Now." It was a song I'd heard many times before, and I'd long since stopped caring. Basically, the main reason we couldn't perform was that upper management was shafting us when it came to staffing and support. I was tired of being a scapegoat, so despite this being a "serious talk," I couldn't find reason to care. Management was freaking clueless, and I had given up talking sense into them.

    "Hey, I'm doing my part."

    "Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm looking at your numbers, and I can't believe how low they are?"

    "Oh really? I had a pretty good day yesterday."

    "Uh huh. Well, look at your total volume numbers for the month. And look at everyone else's. Yours are way, way lower." He shows me the chart and, yes, I'd only done about 15% of what everyone else had done.

    "So, I'm not looking good over the course of the whole month?"

    "No."

    "Well, that might have something to do with the fact that it's the 17th, and I'd been on vacation from the 2nd until yesterday."

    "Oh, well, that would explain it."

    "You seriously didn't notice I was gone for almost two weeks?"

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • ROFL! oh man. Guess that means you should get a raise because you did 15% in 3 days. -putahtek
  • Mmh, they did'nt notice or need you for two weeks. Either you have things sorted out so they run smooth AND they now relise this or they might start thinking they can do without you entirely -Zoomer
  • Nah, it's clear that when linv goes on vacation, the company makes it clear to his manager that his "department is really not doing too well." No mystery there. -MeasureThrice
  • "Wow, I guess my numbers for this month *are* pretty low. But I think I can explain it. Could I get you to open your e-mail? Okay.. could you read this e-mail from me?" "..." "Will there be any more questions?" -NightSteel
  • Sounds like upper management is in need of a sound beating, followed by a round of bullet-salad sandwiches. -Seamus
  • Shoulda followed it up with, "So...which restaurant were you taking me to make up for this again?" -Biosynthetic
  • EPIC MANAGEMENT GOAT FAIL!! -kennz
  • $hitty programming limited pulled a similar stunt on me. The admin bitches had been secretly (to them but very obvious to me) recording my productivity and held a special evaluation on the week I was away. My manager and section head ripped them a new one over that incident. -Wraith556
  • well, if it was this past month, the 1st would have been a sunday thich means that LinkV had done on his day back 15% of the load that everyone else did in 11 days. so in reality his numbers on a per day basis were almost 40% higher than everyone else. -McSmiley
  • 53. I don't bug people, they bug me

    When I first started working at CableISP, the sales aspect of the job was greatly downplayed. During the interview, I was told that I could sell stuff "if I felt like it", and during training we were told that selling extra services. was a good way to make extra money, but little beyond that. Bear in mind that I was applying for a tech job, so I considered it appropriate that the company would place my tech skills before my selling skills.

    After a few months, someone up above decided to put the pressure on the front line employees. Within four months, selling literally went from being "something we could do" to the primary metric of our performance. It was even considered more important than our QA scores. As a result, lots of dumb things started happening:

    *Guidelines for upselling changed from "when you feel like it" to "whenever the call ends positively". QA dinged me for not upselling to someone with a massive hardware problem and who had to contact his manufacturer. Apparently, since the issue wasn't our fault, he must have a positive opinion of the company, and be open to an upsale. The fact that he's angry that his PC is fried, and that we can't help him, doesn't seem relevant-- he must be happy with US!

    *We have little pow-wow sessions where the marketing team tells us "After you solve a customer's problem, their gratitude creates bond with them that no normal salesperson can ever get. Use this to upsell!" Cripes, I felt like I was being told to just tell me to slip something into my date's drink.

    *The company started a behavior called "The B.U.G. Method", where we'd end each call with a casual "Hey, Before U Go, we have a special today..." and we were reminded to use this by being told "B.U.G your customers!" "Don't forget to B.U.G. everyone today!" It's one thing to remind us to upsell, but how ballsy is it to just flat-out admit that we wanted to annoy people into giving us more money? On the other hand, nothing like having your boss give you full permission to piss off your customers.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Umm.. wow... once again we have it proven that there is no patch for stupid. -spectreoflife
  • Linkv, we'd like to talk to you about your flair. -stiffarm
  • sounds like my place of work too... fortunately i'm now off the phones but i believe it still bites having to upsell when there is no need to. I think this is one of the prices we will have to pay for our jobs :( -CrystalMare
  • "HEYYYY, GOOD LOOKIN', WE'LL BE BACK TO PICK YOU UP LATER! BE THE NINTH CALLER AND WIN A ROTO-TILLER!!"<TINK!!> -vacuumtubes
  • I don't think they're realizing that by valuing _anything_ more than QA, and dinging you for positive calls that don't end in an upsell attempt - what they're creating is a team of techs that have NO incentive for making sure people hang up the phone happy. -veaudaux
  • I remember right before I left goatway they were requiring techs to upsell an average of 6$ per call in the corporate support section. The highest person usually averaged about 3.50$ per call on my team. I left soon after. -Olorin
  • Almost sounds like you work for Staples... Now, since they've decided they need to make more money with less employees (by the way, they just laid off over 60% of their field technicians...), they are going to charge $40 for each and every stick of RAM installed in a computer instead of just charging $40 per work order. Hey! We are starting to sound like Worst Try!! -unrenowned
  • Damn at Staples. Just - Damn. I'm not the cheapest purveyor of memory, but dammit, my price includes a simple install! Always has. FUCK that "We'll charge you $40 to install a $10 memory stick" shit. I'd charge $20 for it, installed. -ralphp1024
  • 54. Fill 'Er Up, Linkv!

    Okay, everyone. I love TSC, this is probably the best collection of intelligent people I've ever found on the internet. You guys and gals are awesome. I'd never intentionally start trouble, but I'll warn you, this brief story involves one of the most controversial topics in the tech world: ink economics. Please understand, what I say and do in this story only reflects what works for me, in my experience, and is in no way an absolute judgment on the matter.

    So, a couple of years back, I was talking to a lady who wanted to buy a printer from me. One thing I always tried to do was discourage people from getting the $50 printers...

    "...Because of the particular ink cartridge they use. Yes, the printer is cheaper up front, but if you read the label on the refill cartridge, it doesn't hold a lot of ink at all. Now, the $70 printer, on the other hand, takes a cartridge that holds over twice as much. Now, if you notice, the cheapie ink costs $20, so you make up the difference in printer price the first time you buy refills."

    "Oh, that doesn't matter to me. I'm just going to buy refills." I suppress a little cringe, as visions of busted, leaking refill cartridges fill my head. I'm trying not to say anything, but she can see something's going through my head. "WHAT?!?!" she asks.

    "Well, to be honest... I've seen nothing but bad things come from using those."

    Then she drops this on me, which I still can't make sense of after quite a bit of pondering and googling: "Well, they're simple! You can't mess it up, as long as you know the difference between leaded and unleaded inks!"

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • That reminds me of my personal best comment with ink questions, SF: "Does that cartridge come with black and white or just black." ME: "Just black, the white comes on the paper." -spectreoflife
  • Clarification: When I said "refills", I meant a new cartridge. When she said it, she meant a refill kit, with a syringe. -linkv
  • I know some here have had success with them, however after seeing what my father did to his old deskjet 500 I won't use the refill kits. -Olorin
  • Fools and their money, fucknuggets and their money.... -vacuumtubes
  • Spectre: I worked for a company that made dye sublimation printers, and we did sell rolls of white ink. It was a brighter white than most of the paper we sold, and laying down a layer of that white before laying down the CMYK inks gave better results for some purposes. -rdwells
  • linkv: Just hope she doesn't mix the ink syringes with the others she apparently has laying around the house.... -rdwells
  • I may be biased as I originally started out in tech support in the inkjet/photo printer section at Canon. I learned to absolutely hate the syringe kits because they rarely worked, often broke the actual cartridge (surprise, punching a big hole in it makes it not work!), people would refill with the wrong ink, et cetera. And of course they wanted warranty support after they destroyed their printer with one. That and, just as you say, buy the slightly more expensive printer and you got a separate print head with individual ink tanks, so by the 1st or 2nd ink replacements, you were ahead. They came out and directly told us (in training) that the printer was essentially free and the cost was in the cartridge for the cheapest tier printers. -SirJosh
  • Heh - and at one point when I was there, Sam's Club was selling the printer (with cartridge included) for LESS than the cost of a single replacement cartridge - anyone who had one of them at the call center went out and bought a few just for the cartridges and threw the printers out. -SirJosh
  • To be fair, I worked at an inkjet cartridge refill company for a few months. Granted the home kits made a huge, god-awful mess, but if you get them refilled by someone that knows what they're doing, you can get several uses out of the same cartridge, for a lot less than a brand new one. AND it also means less cartridges int he landfill. -themaxx
  • My high school lab had gallon jugs of ink I used to refill the printer cartridges. I refilled some cartridges at least 10-15 times. Just remember to keep the pressure negative (squeeze the cartridge) while using the glue gun to seal the hole... -cyberblade3001
  • My biggest problem has been with the inkjet printer's head drying up before I printed enough to use up the ink, usually within about three or four weeks if I wasn't printing much. I finally gave up my concern for printing in color, bought a small home laser printer for about $50 last year, and it's already lasted long enough to pay for itself through two black-ink changes on my old printer. Yeah, when I replace the toner, it'll be about $100, but until then it isn't drying out and making me buy a new toner every month or so... -Voz
  • www.inksupply.com See the continous flow systems. They work. -atomicbill
  • By the way, whatever you do, do NOT buy AMD processors. The ink is too expensive. http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=62759 -TheGhost
  • Voz- pick up a cheap sonic jewellery cleaner (real cheap at drug stores) and a little rubbing alcohol. Set your ink catridge in, head down (for HP and Lexmark printers, since they have the head on the cartridge) and fill it about an inch deep with warm water and the rubbing alcohol, then let 'er rip for awhile. Should dislodge any dried ink in the head, and leave it nice and clean. then press it to a paper towel to draw out the water, and voila! -themaxx
  • ...too late- inkjet go bye-bye! (But thanks!) -Voz
  • 55. Fish! Philosophy video debunked

    Surprise, surprise, surprise... the infamous Fish video is more about capturing a bunch of guys hamming it up for a camera than it is about the real daily workings of a fish market. The people who actually work said market hate the video and think it misrepresents them. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Oga_DBOP1Y&NR=1/ ) Video is SFW, but sound quality is subpar and editing is poor.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • "Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something..." </Princess Bride> -vacuumtubes
  • "Life without pain has no meaning. I am going to give your lives lots of meaning!" </Red Dwarf> -Wraith556
  • 56. King Fish is a Visionary

    So, one day King Fish sat down with me to talk about computers. As most every past conversation between us had resulted in me losing brain cells, I knew what to expect. As a matter of self-preservation, I tried to focus the damage on something expendable. Hopefully, I can sacrifice the part of my brain that helps me pee straight. No one will notice, I'm a guy after all. This is for the greater good.

    "You know, with the way things are going these days, one day I'll bet you'll be able to just sit at yer computer and do all your work from home."

    "They already have that. It's called 'telecommuting'."

    "Yeah, you could just do yer typin' or computerin', or whatever it is you do, send it in, and never have to leave your house. You wouldn't need to go to an office no more!"

    "Yes. Thousands of people do that every day."

    "You wouldn't need to waste money on gas, or sit in traffic, and businesses wouldn't need these big buildings, just a bunch of computers."

    "I agree. That's the reason IT'S ALREADY BEING DONE. It's called 'TELECOMMUTING'!"

    "Yeah, I'd like to see if that ever happens. I wonder how long till it's possible..."

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Proving why he's the King o' the 'fish, and rule 1.5 of 'fishdom: 'Fish don't listen to a word you say to them. -SalParadise
  • OWWW!! My brain hurts after reading that. -Lokiz
  • Proof of why, if his company ever goes completely 'work from home'... he'll still have an office and a desk. Is "too dumb to work from home" an exceptable excuse for a boss to give as a refusal? -TechnoTherapist
  • Fortunately I keep my brain cells numbered, for just such an emergency. -ActingUpAgain
  • Hmmmm, maybe try disagreeing with him? "Nahhhh, it'll NEVER happen...even if it was *technically* possible, the bosses would never allow it..." and see if it gets a rise out of him -CTYankee
  • Just like that whole TV and Internet thing is a passing fad .... -Necros
  • There's only two way to get on the same frequency as user's like that. One, raise your voice to about the same octave as Michael Jackson before the other one dropped. That usually gets their attention. Two, write the word telecommuting and below it, two stick figures having sex. Draws their attention right away. Use a fat sharpie when you do that, they're blind too. -Biosynthetic
  • yeah, kingfish, it's called "your stupid ass needs a lesson in listening and processing." 30 goto 10 10 goto 30 30 goto 10 explode -AdmiralLaurie
  • Problem Exists Between Eardrum and Brain. See also: "Lack of cranial ventilation" -Seamus
  • "That boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball." </Foghorn Leghorn> -PTSTech
  • Give it 2 months, then run to him, loudly exclaiming "It's been done!" & demand you "give it a try", now it has "finally arrived, this technological breakthrough". -lineswine
  • 57. And the answer is... "POP!"
    What is 'a sound a hard drive should never make'? Thanks, Mr. Trebek.
    [By: linkv]
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  • "What is - a sound your eyeball should never make?" -TieDyedDinosaur
  • POP!! Oops. I made brown. -vacuumtubes
  • Who is - the person you hope isn't in the other room w/ your girlfriend, while you realize that she's a screamer. -duckhead
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyutmULetAw -Starfury
  • "I'll take Jap Anus Relations for $40,000, Trebek!" -Biosynthetic
  • 58. I don't have a virus!

    At CableISP, our tools would monitor cable modem connections, and if we noticed very unusual patterns in traffic that might indicate a virus, we could temporarily disable the customer's connection. To make sure that we didn't get anyone by accident, the sensitivity on our reports was set to very low, so there was almost no way for a legit modem to be disabled by accident.

    So, dude calls, up can't get online. He's flagged as being disabled with a virus. Not running a virus scan or anything, but he's "really really sure" he doesnt' have a virus. Really sure. He doesn't want to hear anything about checking his system first, and wants us to turn on his modem NOW! NOW! NOW! Oh, and he also says if he did have a virus, obviously we gave it to him, so it's still not his problem. I tell him that the modem is disabled automatically when excessive activity is detected, and as soon as the modem detects a normal level of activity from the computer, it will automatically recactivate itself. In short, fix your damn system and don't call us back until you do.

    He responds with this little gem: "Hey, you can tell me my computer has a virus, and then you can tell me that Santa Claus is black!"

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • What does that even mean??? -ActingUpAgain
  • He's trying to be a smartass (and failing). -clockkingfl
  • "Yes Maury, I's a %1000 percent shure dis man is da fadda." -Biosynthetic
  • And then I can tell him he's an asshat. -PTSTech
  • FUCKING "WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Shut up, scan your PC, and drink a tall glass of bullets. -Seamus
  • well, not black per say, but definitely brown (turkish to be precise) -McSmiley
  • <SF>But that free antivirus2009 doesn't come up since you blocked my connection!</SF> -garwain
  • Not quite. Santa Claus is Middle Eastern. (St. Nicholas is originally Turkish!) -Captain Trips
  • Nah, you're both wrong. Santa Claus is Klingon. I should know, I saw him grunting something into a kid's sock once. -Biosynthetic
  • No sir. I'm not telling you your PC has a virus. I am telling you that your equipment is violating your TOS which means either 1) you have a virus on your PC and we are keeping it from attacking our other valued customers or 2) your network is compromised and exhibiting unusual traffic patterns that are being forwarded through our system. This leaves you the option of RUNNING A VIRUS SCAN or SECURING YOUR ENTIRE NETWORK so that billy joe jim bob and flora mae sally sue can't hijack your wireless connection and make you look like irresponsible, non-TOS following individual! Which is it gonna be ? By the way, not to sway your decision but agressive , antagonistic speech paterns like yours are also a violation and can summarily result in immediate termination of service as well as a long drawn out court battle over payment which you agreed to when you first signed up with us. Have a nice day .... -Necros
  • 59. Just Give Me a Number, Pt 3

    "I don't believe you don't have a list you can just read off to me!"

    "Well, I don't. I'm sorry. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

    "Get me your supervisor!"

    "Sir, this is not a supervisor issue. If you want help with a dial-up access number, you'll have to call back when the system is up."

    "Well, what if I put something in, and it's not toll-free?"

    "Then you will be responsible for the charges, as per your contract."

    "How do I know if it's toll-free?"

    "Normally, we could check for you, but at the moment, that system is down. Sir, we cannot help you until it's back up."

    "Look, I don't want to hear it! Listen, YOU GIVE ME A NUMBER NOW!"

    "Fine, try this, but like I said, I have no way of knowing if it'll work for you: 222-555-2344." Oh, yes, that number just happened to be on the opposite end of the state from our darling caller Don't know how that happened.

    "Finally!" *click!*

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Your job sux the sweat off a dead man's balls. -vacuumtubes
  • I think we should put our collective minds together, build a time machine, travel back in time and kill Alexander Graham Bell for being too much of a lazy ass to walk to the next room and talk to Watson. -Biosynthetic
  • I'm disappointed with you. You should have given him the famous number: 867-5309, and let him sort it out. <BEG> -TheGhost
  • Must read entire story before posting.....Must read entire story before posting.....Must read entire story before posting..... -TubPorsche
  • Calling OTIS tink tink, gimme the bat -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 60. Just Give Me a Number, Pt 2

    "When will THAT be?"

    "It's rare that we're down for very long. I'd guess 15 minutes, an hour, tops. You could call back if you'd like."

    "You don't have a list of dial-up access numbers you can read to me?"

    "No, sir. It's all in our system, which is down at the moment. Again, I do apologize."

    "Just give me whatever you have and I'll try it."

    "Sir, I have no more numbers in front of me to offer you."

    "But you do offer more numbers than what you just read to me?"

    "Yes, but I have to way of looking them up at this exact moment."

    "That's unacceptable! You seriously expect me to believe that?!"

    "Actually, yes."

    "I want to talk to your supervisor."

    At CableISP, needing a supervisor escalation was considered an offense worse than defacating in the office plants. "Sir, a supervisor will not be able to offer you any more numbers. No one can currently access that because OUR COMPUTER SYSTEM IS DOWN!!!"

    "Right, your supervisor doesn't know any extra numbers? You just don't want to help me!"

    "I'd be glad to help you, but I am currently unable to because the computer that stores that information is down. NO ONE HERE can get those numbers for you, including my supervisor, until it is back up."

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • I WANNAAA NEEEEWWWW NUMMMBEEERRR!!! NOOOWWWWWW!! -Kiddingme
  • 867-5309 -TubPorsche
  • 61. Just Give Me a Number, Pt 1

    I think by now you've all figured out that I didn't like working at CableISP much. I liked the job even less when they informed us that the cable modem staff (/me waves) would have to take dial-up support calls. CableISP had a particularly disorganized way of supporting dial-up customers, which made the job miseravble at best. For example, we had two places to keep dial-up access numbers: a list in our manual and on the website for the long-standing and most-used numbers, and an online form we could use to look up newly-added and otherwise goofball numbers.

    One day, our system dies, and we're left with nothing but the paper manual for these things. CableISP had strict policies against issuing paper updates to the manual-- they INSISTED we look up everything online. Yet another stupidity I had to live with. So, of course, this clown calls:

    "Hi, can you give me a toll-free dial-up number?" I read off both of the ones I have on paper. "No, sorry, I tried those and they just won't be toll-free. Do you have any others?"

    "We might, but at the moment I have no way of looking that up for you. I do apologize for the inconvenience, but you happened to call at a time when our server is down."

    "What?!? Are your systems down a lot?"

    "No, actually. I've only seen it happen once before in many months. I would be glad to look that up for you as soon as our system is back up."

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    62. CC Folds - Burn, Motherfucker, Burn Pt.3

    You'll have to forgive me for this, guys, but I've been waiting for this day for a while. I've been watching Circuit City slowly implode, and today it became official. My only regret is that most of the news articles are lumping the closing of CC in with "the economy" and "the recession", when nothing could be further from the truth. The economy could be booming, and trust me, CC would still be sinking like a big lead turd. Let me tell you why. No, I'm not trying to say I'm brilliant enough to have pinpointed exactly when the company started to go downhill (though I have my theories), I'm just saying that the company suffered from some pervasive mis-management, and that was what would have kept it from ever being profitable again. Simply put, the company didn't miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity. Here's just one example of how:

    In the late 90s, Best Buy emerged as the first serious competitor to Circuit City since the demise of Silo Electronics. After only a few years, BB had a commanding lead over CC in terms of marketshare, so CC did the fashionable thing and hired focus groups (ugh) to analyze what brought customers into each store. Many answers were returned, but one that seemed to resonate with upper management was that customers chose to go to Circuit City because it was a quiet store, and they felt it was a very professional and businesslike atmosphere. They could talk to a product specialist and take their time making up their mind, and unlike other places, they could hear themselves think. To them, coming to Circuit City carried the same level of importance they'd give to a visit to a bank or real estate agent, and the level of trust they placed in us was the same.

    Upper management took one look at this, and their immediate conclusion was "QUIET!?!? We're QUIET??? We don't want to be known as 'the quiet store'! That kind of image will kill us! Quiet is boring! Our customers want something fun and exciting, to motivate them to spend their money! They'll never want to spend their money in a quiet store!"

    So, the decree went out. Stores had to do whatever it took to not be quiet. TVs had to be turned on with movie demos playing at 50% volume, minimum. Home audio and car stereos had to have radios playing. Video games had to be cranked up, and computers were to have at least one laptop with bad-boy speakers hooked up for "multimedia demos". The idea was that you could never go so far away from one sound that another wouldn't start to take it's place. The store was to be "A SEA OF SOUND AND EXCITEMENT". Now, you take that, and add in all the unintended sounds, like phones going off, loudspeaker pages, and security alarms (which NEVER worked right) beeping, and the din was just chaotic.

    It was hell to work in, but no one seemed to care because it was 'for the customers'. Yet, the customers didn't like it either. They'd bitch and moan that they couldn't hear our conversation over the noise. They'd complain to the front desk. They'd even walk out in frustration. The ones that went to a manager would be told "Well, you don't understand... this is something you're supposed to like! This way, we give you an exciting, vibrant store instead of a ghost town! You don't realize it, but you like this!"

    So, despite constant complaints from both customers and employees, CC maintained their strick pro-deafening policy. All this, mind you, from a survey that said customers LIKED quiet stores. Don't give me any crap about the DOW or the value of the dollar or employment rates... if you have a company where the customers are saying "We patronize your business because you do this!" and your first reaction is to say "Well, FUCK! We'd better stop doing that!" your company will not succeed. Period.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why CC failed. It's not the sole reason, of course, but the poor logic that applied there is the exact same poor logic that applied to every other bad decision they made, which led them to where they are now.

    [By: linkv]
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  • I can't stand bb. they're sales staff are clueless. multi card reader? what's that? we don't sell those. It took my friend pointing it out to him and saying it in monosyllaic words before he could get the hint. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Bad as the RatShack kid who smugly told me "We don't have any metric sized plugs here, only American" when I went looking for a 2.5mm/3.5mm stereo adapter (or 2.mm male / 3.5mm male cable of 2 foot or longer). I said "Really??" He said "Sure." I pointed to the 3.5mm headsets behind him, said "Those there say you either lie, or don't know what you're talking about, since they're all 3.5mm not 1/8 inch". And left. -ralphp1024
  • My dealings with CC ended when I tried to talk to a manager about an issue I had as a customer and he kept answering his cell phone and telling me to hold on. After about the third or 4th time I walked out I also made sure to direct all my friends to other places. There management Sucked there stores sucked. BB ant much better now days I just buy online lol -Crai
  • That has to be the dumbest management idea I have ever heard. I will never understand the principal of ignore what the customers are telling you we know what they like. I hate all the noise some stores put on these days, It was great the day the manager forgot to turn on the music at Value Village when I worked there. -Icelator
  • Here's a few stories that will give more insight: http://consumerist.com/5133016/consumerists-top-10-circuit-city-stories-of-all-time -Starfury
  • When it come to electronics/computers/parts, buy on-line. -Stryker One
  • I went to my local CC last Saturday to get a new cable modem. They said they didn't carry them. On my way out, with the salesman still next to me, I spotted the modems and pointed them out to him. They were with the Vonage phone stuff, instead of by the routers (which is where they used to be). It is so nice to have well-informed and knowledgeable sales staff, don't you think? Luckily, it turns out that it wasn't my modem after all - just Comcast's signal to me has been 'turned down'. They come out to fix it Tuesday. I've lost my signal 3 times in the last week. -figglywig
  • And I'll bet the swarmy suit who made the decision got a massive bonus, vested stock options, and left the company shortly after to spread his expertise. Survivors are left with the fallout. -Wraith556
  • I agree with a lot of what you say. However, I think there's a significant piece you're missing. Walmart. Yes, them. They've spent a ton of money and effort on improving their electronics section. To me and most of us here at TSC, who care about selection, quality, and such - we wouldn't consider buying that stuff at Wallyworld. We'd probably end up buying most of it online anyway. But to the average idiot out there, they'll go and get a Tier3 LCD TV at Wallyworld and think they're saving a huge amount of money, not realizing it probably won't last them 2 years. -SirJosh
  • I never liked CC because it was SO obvious their salesfolks were on commision. Example: back in the days before digital cellphones, when analog phones were several hundred dollars, CC had a deal where you got the phone for $0.01 if you signed up for a 2-year AT&T contract. It was a good deal for the time. But the salesdrone spent 15 minutes trying to talk me into buying a $150 service contract. I eventually made it clear that he was p!ss!ng me off royally, and I was NOT buying a service contract. He made a point of actually asking me for the penny I owed for the phone. -rdwells
  • Kudos! It wasn't just the loud noise that I hated. It was the lack of anything decent on their shelves-if it was even in stock. -MacDaddy
  • MacDaddy's got it - as an example, I went to a CC for a replacement power supply. I was in a spot and didn't want to wait on shipping. They had a grand total of 3 for me to choose from. Three. It was at that point I never went back. -veaudaux
  • Bought a decent washer and dryer from them. TEN years ago. Have done nothing but roll my eyes at the computer sales-duds' attempts to snow me on various 'have to have!" systems since then, until I gave them up completely as a waste of time nearly five years ago. Come to think of it, it probably WAS the noise level that drove me out. Good riddance. -emdeebee
  • I have purchased *exactly* one thing from CC in the last 12 years: A USB 3.5 floppy disk drive. And then, only because they had it in stock and I could buy it online to be picked up that day. Otherwise, they annoyed the ever-lovin' shit outta me. -Grayhawk
  • I was a proponent of CC and a BB detractor until a few months ago. I would go into my local CC to get something and they wouldn't have it, once I just left what I was gonna by at the register after standing there with other people for a good 15-20 minutes with no employees ever coming near there. Invariably I'd go over to BB and they'd not only have it in stock but for less, and I'd be out of there in 5-10 minutes max... -SirBSOD
  • 63. King Fish on Astrophysics

    You all remember the tales of King Fish, the supreme chancellor of Epid Fail. This is the guy who didn't know the answer, wouldn't listen to reason, and wouldn't shut up about the problem. seems one day he decided to talk science.

    "You know what I wonder? How many light years away is the sun?"

    "Actually, the sun is a little more than eight light minutes away."

    "No, no, see... you don't see the sun's light right away, it takes a while to travel, and they measure that time in light years. I want to know how many years it takes the light to get here."

    "Yes, I understand that. I'm telling you it takes about eight minutes for the sun's light to reach Earth."

    "... And since it takes so long, they call it light years."

    "But it doesn't take a year or more. It takes eight minutes."

    "But what I want to know is, how many years is that?"

    [By: linkv]
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  • That's roughly 0.00001522 years. -Bynar
  • 1.52E-5. 'nuff said. -rdwells
  • Bynar: great minds think alike. So do ours. -rdwells
  • If a$$hat wants to be pedantic about it give him this, “The Sun is 0.00001521060702759 light years from the Earth.” (Calculated using MathCAD 14.0.) -MSimmons777
  • I GOT MAIL! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! -vacuumtubes
  • He's only curious because his brain works on a similar model: You answer a question, and it takes several decades before the answer penetrates his thick skull. -Seamus
  • I just want to know what an Epid Fail is. (I'll be in the LART shelter waiting for my answer.) -Starfury
  • How many light Furlongs is that? -Flappy
  • Joe: "'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars." Frito: "Oh, I-- I like money." Joe: "Yeah." Frito: "How many billions?" Joe: "Like, 10." Frito: "Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20." Joe: "Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. Thirty billion dollars." Frito: "Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion and the time machine's 20-- What's the minus of 30 and 20?" Joe: "Uh, it's, uh, it's 80, Frito. It's eighty billion dollars. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?" Frito: "Yeah. I like money though." -Biosynthetic
  • Lloud: What are my chances? Mary: Not good. Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred? Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million. [pause] Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance. -ActingUpAgain
  • You've never heard of the Sun? It's the star that made the Earth run in 0.00000485 parsecs. -RiffRaff
  • 64. So, was there a strap-on involved?

    You all might remember the story about the night Wags and I were driving along a dark Oklahoma highway in the middle of the night ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=61737 ). Somehow or other, I had accidentally inserted a CD into the side of the stereo, and managed to let it slide into the dashboard. As this was admittedly a stupid thing to do, and I blamed the dark for getting the CD in the wrong hole, Wags exclaimed "You just sodomized my CD player!" And, I had to take it on the chin, because it was totally my fault, and it was really stupid. It's been over a year, and I haven't lived that night down. Not coincidentally, I also haven't had the chance to take her car to have the dash popped open so we could retrieve the "deviant" disc. To this day, she mocks me and asks where her CD is.

    So tonight, I tried to make an mp3 compilation of all her current CDs so that she wouldn't have to shuffle discs around. I gave her the disc when she left for the night, and told her to tell me how it worked. When she came home, she instantly turned beet red and said "Um... it was really dark, and I didn't turn on the light, and..."

    [By: linkv]
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  • "It was very cold, and I couldn't move." -Seamus
  • The question should be "Was there lubricant involved ?" -CSurfer
  • "..so happy together.."--Turtles -stiffarm
  • ".....and both of us were kinda drunk......" -MarloVino
  • I was hanging curtains in the kitchen, naked, while preparing dinner.....</Old Priest and a Potato story> -ShujinTribble
  • "...and if it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college..." -Quchant
  • It's really kinda funny, I had an accident involving a ceiling fan and a soldering iron... -unrenowned
  • Vindication! -Shane
  • 65. What Goes Around...

    Guys, I've never lied to you, and I'm not going to start now. This actually happened. I don't think I've ever given you reason to doubt me, but this is the kind of story that makes me think I REALLY need to put my honor on the line.

    My primary desktop PC at home is a Mac Mini, which I have connected to my HDTV. I use a wireless keyboard and mouse with it. Anyway, I was working late the other night, and had left the keyboard on the floor as I often do. I had just opened up iTunes to download my daily podcasts, when I went off to do something else. Meanwhile, my rambunctious cat comes in meowing for attention. I turn around in just enough time to see him flop over and lay down on the keyboard. Somehow or other, he makes iTunes start flipping through my libary, and starts a song.

    As the furry one looks up at me, I hear "We 're no strangers to love... You know the rules, and so do I..."

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Brown chicken brown cow! (bow chicka bow wow) -RA
  • Your cat Rickrolled you? That's just sadistic. -Seamus
  • I'm sure it's true...you're not the sort to spin us a fe-line. -lineswine
  • Why do cats get furballs? Everyone knows cats like a good gag. -Gerund
  • I think the real question here is why that song was even available to play? -Calydor
  • Next I suppose you'll tell us your cat jumped off your couch, started playing a Star Trek episode, and ate your cheeseburger? -concept14
  • If it had queued up "Cat Scratch Fever" I'd be worried. -thx1138
  • You and your cat are no strangers to love? Dude, you're doing it wrong. -RiffRaff
  • 66. Christmas Eve Fishery Pt. II

    "Well, that don't make sense! You gotta have an after-Christmas sale to get rid of all your extra inventory!"

    *noticing several shelves completely bare* "That's usually not an issue with us. By Christmas Eve, we're usually completely depleted anyway, so unsold stock is minimal. That's why, if you want this, I'd highly reccomend buying it now, while we have it in stock, than to try and save money on a future sale that may or may not happen. Besides, if it did go on sale, we could credit you the difference with one phone call, so you'd still get the better price. No matter what happens, you're best off buying it while it's in stock."

    "Well, if you don't give me a good deal, how are you gonna get rid of all your unsold stuff?"

    "Like I said, we really won't have much of it. If we do, we must not have stocked very well. The whole point is to sell as much as you can before the end of the month, not to have stuff left over. Again, if the price drops beyond what it is now, we'll refund you the difference. If it sells out in the meantime, we can't do much for you, since we can't give to a deal on something we don't have."

    "But you're still telling me it might go on sale?"

    "..yes."

    "Well, I'll wait for that, then."

    [By: linkv]
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  • I was almost that customer... I wanted to buy a UPS since my computer got fried a few weeks previous. However, when I was told they'd refund the differnce if it did go on sale (anytime in the next 30 days) I actually... *drumroll* bought the farkin' thing! -Jonos
  • here's your si...uh, number -stiffarm
  • It'd be worth pulling that computer model when the guy walks in on the 26th, just to say, "Gosh, missed your chance! Shoulda bought it while it was on sale before it sold out." -Voz
  • 67. Christmas Eve Fishery Pt I

    Glad to see you all again! I've been saving this one for Christmas Eve, and as the time has arrived, I hope to entertain you with this tale, so appropriate for the day. It originally started as a Tech Rule that the customer will always believe that waiting to act will save them money. This applies to both sales of tech items and the maintenece involved afterwards. I can't really explain the thought process, it seems like customers always "have a feeling" that a better deal is right around the corner, regardless of the circumstances.

    I should point out that this will be slightly different than my normal stories. I usually try to recall my stories verbatim from memory, since I figure most of them are funny enough with no embellishment. This, however, is going to be a compilation of numerous conversations I'd had throughout the years, always around the same topic: should I buy now, or wait for the after-christmas sale? Every bit of the following conversation has been repeated many times, though not always with the same customer

    "Yeah, so... do you think this computer is going to go on sale after Christmas?"

    "Actually. it's already on sale now."

    "Um, yeah... but don't you think it might go lower?"

    "No."

    "Well, how much more do you think they'll mark it down?"

    "It'll probably be the same price, honestly."

    "Then it ain't much of a sale, is it!??"

    "You wouldn't think so, but oddly enough, people do flock back in the week after Christmas for the opportunity to pay the exact same amount of money."

    [By: linkv]
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  • "Then it ain't much of a sale, is it!??" "Nope, an' ya ain't got much of a higher-functioning brain either, slapnutz..." -vacuumtubes
  • Ya know, your comments sound like something from actsofgord.com . -lineswine
  • 68. Penny Wise...

    Hey, gang! The bar is open, and I'm ladling out the drinks! Let's have some warm-and-fuzzy holiday beverages... egg nog, root beer, hot chocolate. I've made sure they're all delish, and if you'd care to enhance them with your fermented additive of choice, just grab a bottle! Wags has made some of her wonderful lemon bars and chocolate-chip-mint cookies, so prepare to increase your caloric intake! While you get settled, let me tell you this is another tale of retail silliness, somewhat tech related but somewhat not. I'm very careful to stay on-topic here, so if anyone ever thinks my stories venture too far off topic, let me know. I love to post retail stories around Christmas time because it's just too perfect, but I want to make sure they're appropriate for TSC.

    Anyway, so, it's a week before Christmas. Stuff is going out of stock faster than we can keep it in. Digital cameras are the first to dry up. Guy comes in and shows me our ad for a $250 Nikon camera that's martked down to $229. "Yeah, I'd like to buy this camera that's on sale." Anyone who has sold stuff recognizes this type: never sees anything but the price tag. As we talk about different cameras in this conversation, he'll never give a second thought to brand or features, only what the total would be. This is obviously a gift for someone who doesn't warrant a lot of consideration. Now me, not being commissioned, I don't care if he spends $200 or $2,000, I just try to match him up with a good camera for the price point... which I was going to have to do, since I had sold the last Nikon three hours prior.

    We don't have any on the shelf, but I still have hope that the camera isn't totally unavailable. "We're all out of this one. I can order one for you, same price, or find it for you at another store."

    "Nah, I don't have time for that. What else is on sale?"

    Makes sense. I try to be helpful "Well, to be honest, the camera in the ad is pretty good, but for $199, the Canon model is just as good, if not better." That's no bullshit, I really did think the Canon was a better camera, despite it having a $50 lower sticker price.

    "Nah, I don't want that. What about this one?" Guy goes over to the clearance section and points out a Casio shitbrick for $245. Most of the Casio cameras I sold were really pretty, stupidly overpriced, and took pictures worse than cameras that cost half as much. I hated them. But, I sold a lot of them because they're shiny.

    "Oh, that's a display model we're selling off." Note the distinct lack of effort to move that thing. If he wants it, I'll ring him up, but I can't find any way to actively sell it in good conscience.

    "Can I get a discount on it?"

    "It's already got a pretty big discount. The original price was $299, we've marked it down to $245."

    "Can I get anything else off?"

    "Uh, considering it's $55 off, no."

    "Well, it's a display model. Everyone's had their hands all over it. I'm not sure if I feel COMFORTABLE buying it. But maybe if I had a discount..." Oh, I love this routine. 'Yeah, I'm afraid I'm buying junk, but if I pay less, it's suddenly okay.' Here's a hint: if I think a purchase is suspect, I don't buy it. Discounted shit is still shit.

    "Hey, I understand how you feel. Truth be told, I wouldn't want to buy a display model camera myself. If it were me, I'd go for the Canon. I know you said you didn't want it, but honestly, it's selling new for $45 less than this display model, and it's a much better camera." For the life of me, I can't fathom why this guy, who is clearly trying to get out for as little as possible, won't buy a camera that's better for a lower price.

    "I won't get the Canon. It's not marked down, so I'm not saving any money."

    "It's just as good as the Nikon, and it's cheaper than the Nikon's sale price."

    "Well... I'm just not going to buy ANYTHING that isn't marked down!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • I hate the "deal makers". These are the aholes that try to barter and haggle and the brow beat some sales drone till they think there getting a good deal. Best tactic is tell them its out of there price range. With this type its mostly an Ego issue. -Crai
  • ...Aaaand THAT'S why I will never work retail, folks. -Seamus
  • This is actually similar to the way the stock market works. People pay more attention to the *velocity* of the price, than the price itself. Stupid, but true. But that's why share prices tend to keep going in the same direction once they've started, until some external factor hits it the other way. -Chromatix
  • Change the price to $198.99. There fucktard, it'd marked down. Now BUY THE FUCKER! -flapjackboy
  • This episode of Economics for Fucknuggets is brought to you by Crampton's Carpet Service.... -vacuumtubes
  • As usual, another great read. And it had lots of 1's and 0's in it. -ThinTheHerd
  • Can I sell this farknugget my car? I'll be sure to mark it down from the original purchased price... -Jonos
  • He probably read this story: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081222/ap_on_bi_ge/desperate_retailers;_ylt=AjDkABx_Z1w_dmJ5Yn32zuEDW7oF -billybien
  • "Oh hey. Well whaddya know? I just looked that Canon up, and it appears to have been marked down form $275. So, will that be credit, debit, or cash sir?" -Cyan
  • 1.- Grab the Canon and it's price tag and take it to the back of the shop. 2.- Using a marker, write a higher price on the tag and cross it out. 3.- Show the suctomer that the price is now "marked down" (although is the original price). 4.- Profit! .... ....er, wait, I think I left out a step: 3.5- ... 4.- Profit! -TheGhost
  • Well, I did catch a news story last night that suggested that business are open to haggling this year due to the economy and the strong desire to make any sale they can. Not that that makes it right... -Captain Trips
  • I get that a lot with my job... People want a discount, simply because they've graced your establishment with their presence. I tell them no, they throw a fit and threaten to leave, I simply reply with "That's fine, because I know I can sell this to someone else, at full price." About 2/3rds of the fucktards will then sigh like they're making a huge sacrifice and buy the things. The rest stomp away, and I usually sell the item in the next 5 or 10 minutes. And you wonder why I hate people... -exzyle2k
  • 69. Teflon Steve Spnaks a customer Pt II

    "And that is why you can't get anything else off. You already got the best possible deal. The coupon you're holding right now will actually speficy that it doesn't apply to monitors already on sale."

    The customer takes a little pause, obviously checking the fine print to find the clause that entitled him to both his dollar AND his taco. Not finding any, he took one last stab: "Well, if I can't get the better deal, I guess I'll have to bring it back."

    "Great!"

    "Whut?! Hey, I'm the customer, and I'm bringing something back! Whut do you mean, 'great'!?"

    "Sir, we sold you that monitor at a massive loss. If you bring it back, we'll have to resell it as an open box item. Since it's no longer on sale, we'll be able to mark it down from the REAL price, and have a chance to sell it at something resembling a profit."

    *click*

    [By: linkv]
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  • Zing! TS: 1, User: Legendary Fail! -Biosynthetic
  • Buy that man a cheeseburger and a beer! -unrenowned
  • <Bows in homage to a LARTmaster> -Wraith556
  • 70. Teflon Steve Spnaks a customer Pt I

    This is another story about my buddy Teflon Steve, and his LARTs of legend. Teflon Steve, as you recall, was one of the guys who worked as a floor supervisor, and he constantly did his job as if he had no fear of being fired. Which, in hindsight, was probably one of the things I admided most about him.

    That year, one of our best LCD monitors was a 19" Sony which had a sticker price of $499.99. Ouch, I know, but it WAS a really nice monitor, if you had that kind of cash laying around. Well, Black Friday comes, and we put it on a one-time, six-hour sale for $199.99. Naturally, a lot of people buy them. Margins on monitors were good, but not THAT good, so of course we lost money on every one sold-- a lot of money. Par for the course for Black Friday.

    So, a week later, someone calls up asking for a manager. TS gets the call.

    "Yeah, I bought this monitor, and now I've found a coupon for 10% off any monitor $199 and up. I wanna use it on the monitor I already bought."

    "I'm sorry, sir, but you need to use a coupon when you buy the item. You can't come in a week later and try to get the deal after-the-fact."

    "Hey, you guyz guarantee the lowest price! Well, I can get a better deal with this coupon, so you gotta give it to me!"

    "Uh, no. We do guarantee our prices, but you already GOT the best price by buying your monitor on Black Friday. The only way I could use your 10% off coupon would be to take it off of the full price of the monitor."

    "Oh, what's THAT!?"

    "$500."

    "I didn't pay no $500! I got it on sale for $200."

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    71. Stella, Pt II

    "MY SON uses this to carry his books and stuff to nursing school, and now he can't take his stuff to class! You can't let this happen! We had to scrimp and save to get this, and now we don't have any more money! PEOPLE CAN'T JUST AFFORD TO BUY NEW BAGS EVERY WEEK!" Gee, then maybe you should have bought one of the $35 bags instead of opting for the bling-bling model.

    "I understand you need the bag, what I'm explaining to you is that we can help you get the bag repaired, we just can't exchange it. "

    "HE NEEDS THIS FOR SCHOOL! If he fails, IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!"

    "What we... "

    "THIS BAG IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!! IT'S YOUR BAG! YOU'RE LIABLE!"

    " Ma'am, we didn't make the bag, we only sold it. The manufacturer takes responsibility, and that's exactly what their warranty is for. "

    "You SOLD the bag."

    " Yes. We're not disagreeing with that, but at this point, it's still in the hands of the manufacturer, whom we can help you work with. "

    At this point, the damndest thing happened. She cried. Bawled and squealed, for all of five seconds, then immediately composed herself. I still can't decide if she was trying to illicit sympathy or was just that insanely wired that her tears could go on and off light a switch, "This is YOUR bag, You sold it!"

    " Ma'am, we didn't make the bag, we only sold it. We don't have a guy in the back of the warehouse sewing bags together, I promise you. " Yeah, by this point, I figured rational conversation wasn't going to be an option here.

    "You sound so stupid. If only you could hear yourself and your stupid answers... "

    " Would you like the manufacturer's number? "

    "If I call them up, they're going to put me ON HOLD!!" Oh, lawdy lawd, say it ain't so! Not that!

    It's around this time that my store manager, Paul, loses patience and steps in, This guy had absolutely no patience for this kind of crap, which is why we got along so well, " Ma'am, I'm the store director. The item you purchased is too far past the return date, you'll have to contact the manufacturer."

    "That's garbage! I work in a grocery store, and we take back stuff all the time! Stuff we shouldn't take back! We take back rotten meat and spoiled milk!"

    "That's nice, but it doesn't change anything here. We still can't take it back, call the manufacturer." I told you, Paul was awesome.

    "They won't help! "

    "Have you EVEN TRIED? "

    Meanwhile, I had taken the liberty of writing the warranty number at the top of her receipt, and offered it back to her "Would you like the number now? " I asked, as she seethed and hissed.

    She tore the receipt right out of my hands "I'll ruin you! I'll go back to that grocery store, and I'll tell everyone what's happened here. I talk to hundreds of people every day. When I tell them about this, none of them will ever come in here. I'll run this business into the ground!"

    She stormed out, and everyone at the front counter took a deep breath. Even though I hadn't calmed her down, they were still glad I was the one to handle it. And, "Boy Scout" that I was, it became known as "The Day Linkv Made an Old Lady Cry,"

    [By: linkv]
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  • Applaud making annoying old person cry. Next time get annoying old person to play in traffic and I will stand when I applaud. -Crai
  • These people are the same, regardless of age. "I don't care about you, your store, or your company policies; do what I want, and do it now, or I'll <insert inane threat here>!" Fuck 'em, even if they are older than Methuselah. -RiffRaff
  • I recall a Dilbert comic: "You have to do what I say, because I'm old." She got her comeuppance, though: coyotes in the purse. -chazz
  • theres a smile on my face now. and a wet spot on the under-side of my desk. -SpitefulTech
  • The first step is "making the annoying old bint cry." The final step is "making the annoying old bint kill themselves with their own stupidity." Personally, I liked Coyote's method: "making the annoying old bint swallow her face." -Seamus
  • Why the fuck was her son carrying his bags in a bag whose only function to justify the price was sod all? I got a designer bag for Christmas last year and yes, the leather is slightly scuffed where I've set it down and picked it up, but mygoddess, her son needs to learn a little something called "responsibility" and "take care of the shit people buy you." Gdammit, this just pisses me off. -AdmiralLaurie
  • chazz, Coyote can't fit in a purse... Use it for paintball practice maybe... -Spyder19
  • for some reason this feels a little familiar...http://www.techcomedy.com/members/message_board/viewtopic.php?t=9252&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0 -Icelator
  • Here's a question that will be relevant to CD... did this lady have an English accent? -NightSteel
  • The deliberate crying isn't uncommon. Lost track of how many, (non-tech warning!), hotel guests I made cry. Did you know that if an 18-year old girl rents a hotel room for an after-prom party, bringing in a 45-person party with everyone underage for drinking, multiple noise complaints in just a five-minute period, etc., (that is to say, VERY hard for all of the other guests, and employees, to miss), that when we go and break up the party, that we're speaking to a calm, reasoning person one minute, then a sobbing, wreck of a person whose prom night, and very life, has been ruined by our breaking up the party? Oh, and after they see the sobbing hasn't had an effect, it's suddenly gone again! Sonofagun!!! If you take into account all of the guests who've pulled the "you've ruined my stay, I'll complain to everyone about you and ruin this business", I've ruined a LOT more people than they have! I think I don't dare go into some of the seedier parts of town for fear of the number of people who will suddenly jump up, exclaiming, "that's him, he ruined my life!" -Voz
  • You mean you forgot to mention you did all that in a dress, Icelator ? < LART Shelter. Go! > -Necros
  • It's even funnier when people try the 'I'm NEVER using your service again!' when you are internal tech support. I've had people pull that line on me when I won't fix their teenage son's iPod -CommanderData
  • CD- Are you allowed to praise $deity when they say that to you? *laughs* -NightSteel
  • Guess she's going to have to go back to her old job of lying in ponds, distributing swords. -Biosynthetic
  • Bravo, Linkv, Bravo! The meal was most delicious, as was the story! And someone has to keep serving the audience as I have not had enough time to sit down and properly enter my stories. Yet. :) -SwedishChef
  • Biosynthetic - "...just because some moistened bitch lobbed a scimitar at me!" right? heh -lavenderrose
  • 72. Stella, Pt I

    This story is dedicated to SwedishChef, who requested it. ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=77971 ) See, I owe the guy, for I borrowed my habit of serving meals with very long stories from him, and he's been gracious enough to let it slide. So, in thanks, here's a tale. And as I know the American TSC members have had their fill of poultry for a little while, let's enjoy a feat of pasta. Fr the more traditional, try my hand-folded ricotta tortellini and marinara. for the more adventurous, I've made my goat cheese ravioli in alnut sauce.

    I was called up to the front desk, told that some lady was wanting to return a laptop bag that was past the due date. Normally, our returns are allowed for 30 days officially. We could do 40 without a problem, everything else was pretty much a no-go. So, I walk up and meet Stella, a woman who was about 2,600 years old, and whose face had not held a smile since the Ramses administration. Now I know why I was called-- while you TSCers know me to be something of a badass when the need arises, my co-workers considered me handy for quelling the more emotional customers. Maybe it's my young appearance or my small stature, or maybe it's my attitude, which is kind of Boy Scoutish, but I was often picked to diffuse the cantankeous old folks. Lucky me,.

    So, I wander up and say "Hi, how can I help you?

    She hands me her receipt. "Here, I want to return this laptop backpack." I look it over, which is just a formality, since at first glance I can see it's six months old. That's a deal-breaker right there. The ONLY way I'd ever take something back that old is if the customer could prove the sales associate was telling massive lies to get the sale. For a laptop backpack, there's no way.

    Still, I pretend to scrutinize the receipt. It's for a cheap PC and one of those super-posh designer backpacks. Regular ones cost about $35, this one cost $100. And of course, it did nothing unusual except have a fancy label. "Well, ma'am, I'm looking at this, and our return policy extends for 30 days past the date of purchase. We're a bit past that, so we won't be able to take it back."

    Stella steamed, and plunked the backpack down in front of me. I looked it over, and... near as I could tell, a gorilla had sex with it. That's the only thing I can think of to explain the sheer damage that had been done. The sides were ripped, the fabric was scuffed, and the seams had been pulled apart. Not as if they hadn't been sewn correctly, but as if it had been used and used hard. I just couldn't imagine that this was only six months old... I had backpacks that were six years old that looked better. "THIS THING IS DEFECTIVE AND I WANT A NEW ONE!!!"

    "Ma'am, if you're having trouble with the backpack, we can help you contact the manufacturer and arrainge repairs."

    "OH NO! I BOUGHT IT HERE!" She waives the receipt at me "SEE! LOOK!"

    "Yes, I can see that, but we're still not able to take this back after 30 days. Your backpack is guaranteed by the manufacturer, and is still protected under their warranty." I'll leave it up to them to decide if they want to cover damage by hot monkey lovin'.

    "I bought it here!"

    "Yes, and you bought it under our return policy, which is 30 days. "

    Then Stella gets sarcastic. "Oh, yeah... I made all this up, got this bag at a yard sale, and made a fake receipt, Just to rip you off! "

    "Ma'am, I understand you bought it here, I'm not disputing that. I'm saying that anything bought here falls under our return policy, and you're simply way past that. "

    [By: linkv]
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  • OMG, is this story funny. I had to read it three times through tear-streaked eyes I was laughing so hard! -Biosynthetic
  • Maybe Stella needs to be nailed by the gor....er. Um. Never mind. -Zimmerit
  • 73. Never look a gift whore in the mouth

    So, a fairly nice guy comes in to buy a new computer for his wife. Apparently, she had been needing one for a while and he thought it would be a nice gift. We talked over what she would need, and since she was doing some video editing, I said that he'd be looking at a more high-end system than most. That was fine, he said. He planned on buying a bit more than he needed, since he wanted to have a system that would last a number of years. In the end, I believe he chose one of the higher-end Pentium towers, and asked us to max out the RAM and put in a great graphics card. Clearly, he didn't want to skimp. He even called his wife a few times to ask if he was forgetting anything. We got the system boxed up, and he took it away.

    The next day, he brought it back. We asked if there was anything wrong with it, he said no... his wife just didn't like the color.

    [By: linkv]
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  • that's where you refer him to the hardware store for a can of spay paint. :) -Bynar
  • Should have given him a free pack of stickers. Works just as well with picture of Hello Kitty, rainbows, unicorns (without the maynnaise), etc. -Biosynthetic
  • Egawds, what a superficial bint... -Seamus
  • It probably didn't match the lounge and the curtains. -Wraith556
  • so she wanted a Mac. -supportrobot
  • Just goes to show: you can lead a whore to water, but you can't make her think. <Oh, driver -- LART shelter, and there's an extra 5 in it for you if you hurry!> -Captain Trips
  • Driver, here's ten bucks... park over there until the pun police arrive to take Trips away! -Voz
  • I've built PCs & had the same comment - fortunately it was for a very good friend of mine & he stumped up for a new case...I swapped the bits into the new case in return for keeping the old one. These days, I ASK what case style they are looking for, prior to buying/building. -lineswine
  • I say give Little-Miss-Stuck-Up a pair of Ruby Quartz glasses! She won't know the difference... -udoshan
  • Refer to car detailing shop... -Geminii
  • Luke: We're flying in this hunk of junk? Han Solo: Shut up kid. She may not be pretty, but she's got it where it counts. -MacDaddy
  • 74. NT/OT- I like Canada, but...

    ( http://www.gadling.com/2008/11/20/obese-passengers-in-canada-have-the-right-to-two-seats-for-price/ ) So now, obese passengers have a RIGHT to get two tickets for the price of one. Apparently, having a large ass entitles you to an eternal buy-one-get-one-free sale. Well, I want to get in on the next round of stupid lawsuits. I'm going to say that I want half price airfare, because of MY GIGANTIC PENIS! That's right, if a big ass gets you an extra seat, why not anything else?! If they don't give me an extra seat, it's discrimination, and sexism, and harassment, and um... profiling. Yeah, that's it.

    Sorry for the rant, gang. I know this is a hot topic, but I am getting so sick of this mentality that everybody has to be happy 100% of the time. Air travel isn't even a "right" in the first place, so how can having a free seat be a "right" on top of that?

    [By: linkv]
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  • whose definition of fat? I'm stocky, short but definitely not a wlm. or is it the truly wlm's they're targetting? -AdmiralLaurie
  • Time for the "wet'n'dry" vacuum cleaner and a hypodermic needle. DIY liposuction. -Wraith556
  • This may be related to some airlines requiring large people to buy two tickets. -Icelator
  • Well, I think TSC star members should be entitled to two tickets on sheer merit alone. ;-) -Gromit
  • I'm all for this - as long as I can go on the flight too & take the piss out of the lardy bastard who's got a free seat 'cos they "supersize" at McPukles! -lineswine
  • They should institute a 'pay by the pound' system. It costs the airlines extra fuel to fly their fat asses around. -ThinTheHerd
  • Hell, being a short guy with small feet, I've been bitching for years that I have to pay the same amount for shoes / clothes / etc as my altitude-enhanced brethren. ALL HAIL THE COMMITTEE FOR EQUAL HEIGHTS! </pseudo-rant with a dollop of DiscWorld> -CTYankee
  • Most NORMAL people can't fit into a plane seat, if only for the leg room. As for weight, how do you decide between poor lifestyle or medical condition when you decide to charge for 2 seats. You cannot discriminate for medical reasons. Most football players are healthy, but HUGE. Do you make thm buy two seats? They're not obese, but they're not standard size either. Remember, shame and punishment does not stop fat people from being fat. -TechieSidhe
  • Then there are those of us who are both. I'm 6'5" (195.6 cm) and weigh 310 pounds (mass 140.6 kg). My femur make the 28" (71.1 cm) spacing on most airplanes is extremely uncomfortable (knee jams into seat in front of me). When I was taking ground school, the average adult male was set to be 170 pounds (77.1 kg) by the FAA. This decision is in my favor, but I also consider it an imposition on the airlines. Payment by the pound would be much more equitable, although there may have to be a minimum as a 6 kg infant takes up a whole seat when properly secured in an aviation ready car seat. And the debate goes on... -MSimmons777
  • This might sound like an excessively radical idea to you airline-type folks, but how about solving the problem once and for all by MAKING THE FUCKING SEATS WIDER? -Gromit
  • "So sorry, was distracted by Huge American Penis! So much bigger than Small Japanese Penis!"</south park> -AmazingKreskin
  • Makes me want to get a fat suit the next time I fly. At least I'll get some room to move around in. -Biosynthetic
  • Folks, I'm right now 3000 miles away from home, and on the trip here (and tomorrow back home) have found one solution to the uncomfortable, no-leg-room problem. Fly JetBlue! 34" seat pitch MINIMUM (many rows have 38" pitch) and I was able to comfortably fit in the middle seat of three. (I'm right now 265 pounds, having lost 20 already. There are advantages to working for the "fat actress" company!) I've flown other airlines where the only way I fit in a seat is to lift the armrest and flow over into my wife's seat - but not on JetBlue! And having 30 channels of TV to watch during the flight is just a bonus! Oh, and did I mention that all the seats are leather, not that icky fabric? (And, no, this wasn't first class. They only have one class of cabin.) </end commercial> -Captain Trips
  • I partially agree with the decision. It should be free, but only for the medically obese (medically recognized as such by a doctor). People who are just lazy and eat badly/too much should pay for their second seat. Tall people rarely (in my experience) inconvenience their neighbors in planes. I've sat next to many tall people in my travels, and I was only unconfortable when the fat person next to me spilled over in my seat. I know there's a lot of ostracism towards fat people today, but a lot of them are fat because of their lifestyle, not because of any medical condition. ;) -QcTech
  • 75. Linkv has fun with an extended warranty

    So... sometime last June I went into the local Big Blue electronics retailer and picked up an iPod for my girlfriend Wags, who was going to be having a birthday just a few weeks later. I bought the iPod without incident, and was of course offered the extended warranty. I thought about it for thirty seconds and then decided, for various reasons not related to the story, that it would be worth the money. I walked out a happy customer, and Wags had a very happy birthday.

    Well, about a month or so ago, said iPod ended up skipping and locking on a fairly frequent basis... never to the point where it couldn't be reset, but to the point where it seemed to be consistent. My personal rule is that anytime I get extra coverage on something, I cash it in as soon as the device so much as sneezes the wrong way. I called the number and arraigned to have it replaced.

    Now... I wasn't sure how much troubleshooting could be done on an intermittent problem, but I was fairly sure that someone would end up picking this thing up and testing it. And while I know nothing of Blue Box's warranty services, I was guessing that said testing would not be very extensive. Most likely, whoever got the job would simply try to play a few songs and then wipe it clean before dumping it in the "refurb" bin. And chances were, their choice of song would be limited to whatever was on the iPod when it arrived.

    I took the iPod, wiped off every song on it except for one. The remaining song, of course, was "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.

    I sealed the envelope and mailed it back to Blue Box. A week later, a gift card for a new iPod arrived in the mail. ;-)

    [By: linkv]
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  • *clap clap clap* -ProfessorFrink
  • RickRolled!!!! From (l)users who have bought not one, but several noobpods over the last few years, they seem to have an average lifespan of 11-14 months. And it's a bit expensive for a consumable item. And Apple seem to be more concerned about style over substance. I'll stick with my ISO MP3 players. -Wraith556
  • You are a cruel, sick, man. Wags must be so glad to have you ^_^ -evolvedstarfish
  • The force is strong with this one. -Phylok
  • *applauds* Very nicely done! -Seamyst
  • I salute you, sir. -charred
  • I have 2 iPods. First one can only be used as a USB drive since the touchwheel won't work. Second one works fine as a player but the screen is extremely-light-almost-blank so its simply a matter of putting what songs I want to listen on it and then listening the the right amount of 'clicks' to get to shuffle. Unfortunately every other mp3 player out there seems to have similar reliability issues. I'll at least be going with something cheaper once I get sick of having to deal with this one. -SirJosh
  • I've had an ipod touch for some months now...no problems at all. -n8
  • Wags? Your girlfriend is dog? -Stryker One
  • I've had a cassette walkman for quite a while now....love it -mrfoxboy
  • 76. Cheapskate pays big

    So, we put up a stick of RAM for sale. Normal price: $99.99. We mark it down to $79.99, and the manufacturer throws a $50 rebate on top of it. Decent enough deal. In comes Cheapskate customer. This guy is your typical high-maintenence pain in the ass "Do if for me" sort-- asking a ton of questions-- not because he wants to better understand his issue, but he's seeking any way he can to avoid paying a tech. He clearly has no idea how to install this RAM once he gets it home. Now, we all know that a RAM installation is a trivial task for most of today's desktop computers. However, we also know that starfish are capable of screwing up a train wreck unless you tie them to the tracks. So, I take no chances and describe to him EXACTLY how it's done, cautioning him extensively against forcing anything on the motherboard. One push too far, and this simple upgrade will destroy one of the most expensive parts of his computer. I remind him that we do install memory for a nominal fee, and while I'm careful not to scare him into it, I assure him that we'd make sure it was done right.

    He's having none of that. No way is he paying extra. Well, I'd already explained the process to him three times, so I felt I'd done the most I should do on a pro bono basis. I assured him that simply purchasing the RAM from us did not in any way obligate us to install it for free. I was getting a bit irritated at the "you should do it since you know how, but I'm not going to pay you" mentality. Finally, I print out his receipt and rebate. As per company guidelines, I produce (without being asked) an extra copy of each, and staple them together for him. That's when the fun really starts.

    "Okay, sir, I've already printed out your rebate and receipt, and made an extra copy of each. All you have to do is copy the serial number on the top of the box and send it in.

    "Wait! Wait! How am I supposed to fill this out??"

    "You don't, sir. I took down your name and address. It's been pre-printed on the form. Everything important has been written down for you. All you have to do is copy the box, you don't even need to send in the real thing, and put in an envelope."

    "Well, could you do it?"

    "Sir, there's nothing to do. The paper is ready to go. All you need to do is send it in."

    "I'd really feel better if you did it."

    Allright, if he didn't want to pay for the install, maybe the same logic will shut him up here. "Well, if that's the case, we do have a 'paperwork service' available for $19.99. With that, we can put everything together for you, put it in an envelope, and have it ready to mail. The only thing we can't do is put a stamp on it, and that's only because we don't sell stamps here." This was partially bullshit. There was no actual service like this listen in our system, but we did have several general-purpose SKUs at our disposal, which could be used to account for excessively difficult customers or demanding jobs. I preferred to use them as an all-purpose annoyance fee.

    "What do you mean, I HAVE TO PAY YOU!?"

    "You bought the RAM from us, and we're very grateful for your business, and we're happy to provide you with all the paperwork you need to send in the rebate. However, as you can see, we do have other customers waiting for help, and if you'd like one of our technicians to take time away from helping them, and use our resources to do your work, then it is appropriate that we charge for that."

    "What 'resources'? All you have to do is copy the box!"

    "Exactly."

    "So just do it."

    "That'll be $19.99."

    "But you're not really doing anything!"

    "Yes we are, sir. We are doing work that you clearly don't want to do."

    "That's not worth $20. "

    "I completely agree with you, it is not. However, if you choose to use the service, that is what we will do for you."

    "Why do I gotta spend $20 to get back $50?"

    "You don't. You're perfectly free to go home and mail it off yourself for free, not including the cost of the stamp and envelope."

    "I'll forget."

    "That's really not our fault. And, I might add, no matter what you do, it will ultimately be your responsibility to make sure this thing finds its way into a mailbox."

    "How can you say that's worth $20?"

    "Well, again, it's apparently work that you don't want to do. If you're asking someone else to do it for you, there's a value on that, and I'm saying that value is $19.99." This is the kind of crap that went on throughout the whole "how do I install my RAM?" discussion, and why I was willing to argue the point for 15 minutes rather than run into the office and just xerox the thing to shut him up. I was going to make it clear to this guy that we weren't a charity, and that there were certain services we did charge for. I'd quoted him a price, it was up to me to stick to it.

    "Fine, here's $20." Damn. Part of me is satisfied that I stood my ground with this guy, and the rest of me is aghast at how lazy some people can be. Oh well. I run around the corner, copy his paperwork and re-staple it, and hand-address an envelope for him. I return and hand it to him. "$20 for that?!?!"

    "Yes sir."

    "But you didn't do anything. "

    "We put your paperwork together for you, just like you asked. Now it's all set to go, just needs a stamp."

    "I still gotta STAMP it and MAIL it...?"

    "Yes, sir. And like I said, that is a service we DO NOT and CAN NOT offer." For liability reasons, it had to be the customer who ultimately dropped it in the mailbox.

    "Buuuuttttt..."

    "Sir, this is exactly what I said we would do. I never said it was worth it. Honestly, I think you would have been better off paying us to install your RAM and handling the rebate yourself, but it was your decision to make."

    He slinked off, hopefully never to darken our door again.

    [By: linkv]
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  • I think you should re-title this story "Linkv has brass ones." P.S.: I notice you didn't mention returning his penny change. -MisterCommon
  • I just so love the 'Idiot (or annoyance) tax' - got a problem that could be solved by RTFM? sure a tech will come out and fix it, but you're paying their fee - usually starting at $70 in the appliance business, and more depending on where you live -madonnac
  • OH gosh, I'm sorry you had to meet my father. -AdmiralLaurie
  • Thanks, LV. That'll get me through the day with a smile. -ThinTheHerd
  • I bet this little fuckstain pays someone to wipe his arse for him. Hell, he probably pays them to digest his food for him too. "What? You mean I have to chew, swallow and wait for my stomach to process it?" -flapjackboy
  • "and then walk to the toilet" -Icelator
  • heehee, can't wait for tomorrow's post when he comes back with broken ram slots -stiffarm
  • It's all part of that entitlement mentality people have these days. Disgusting. I'm so glad you stood your ground and made him pay. Jerk... -FixitWench
  • *applauds* Way to go! Are you getting that extra $20, or does it go to the store? -Seamyst
  • linkv proves yet again that he is, in fact, a badass. Cheers! -Seamus
  • Shitbuckle Classique. From the land of YuDoothis Fermee... -vacuumtubes
  • VT -- You forgot "FerFree" -FixitWench
  • The $20 went to the store... but it was still worth it. =) -linkv
  • Niiiice! -rosemetal
  • 77. Corporate Slogan of the Month

    Ah, training... that time in a young tech's life where the company tries their best to mold you into whatever shape they deem useful. Within the first week of training, Mr. Mack had to tell us about our company's "co-worker philosophy"... a lovely little concept called "Wacteo".

    For those of you who work for companies that don't spend scads of money on useless motivational tools, Wacteo is an acronym for "We Are Customers to Each Other", reminding us to treat our co-workers like customers. (Hmmm... I wonder if I could ask upper management if their example meant it was okay to "lay off" customers we didn't like?)

    I thought the idea was stupid, borderline insulting. Reminding me to be courteous to my co-workers is a bit like reminding me to wipe my ass-- if it's really an issue, a little jingle ain't going to cure it. But then Mr. Mack tells me this:

    "Yeah, every day, you need to think WACTEO! In fact, we believe in it so much, we actually use it as a greeting. Go around the office, and you'll find people saying 'Wacteo' instead of 'hello'."

    "Huh?"

    "It's true. Tomorrow when you come in, instead of 'Good morning', just say 'Wacteo!'"

    *deadpan*"...No."

    [By: linkv]
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  • My Prediction: Management is planning to bring in a bunch of StarFish because they have customer service experience and don't want you to make them cry. -adarklite
  • Time to bail out!! -unrenowned
  • Or, when someone makes the comment, "Wacteo", reply back with "Bohica!" -goldentenor1
  • Fishsticks! -SalParadise
  • Pear Pimples for Hairy Fishnuts! -ShujinTribble
  • You just know some manglement fish got promoted for thinking this wacko shit up. -SirJosh
  • /me remembers the meetings on the goatway "G" spot and smirks. -Olorin
  • Wacteo? Don't they make pen tablets? *grins, ducks and runs* -GreyDuck
  • Fuck the Bobs and Lumbergh, we've got OfficeSpace 2 in the making right here! Somebody call Mike Judge, tell him we've got a sequel that can't miss. -MadJack
  • Jack - Wouldn't you rather have a TacNuke that can't miss instead? -ShujinTribble
  • hehehehehe yeah, that too -MadJack
  • 78. Mr. Bibbit, the Shrugger

    Mr. Bibbit was one of those customers for whom the expression "WTF" was coined. We aren't just talking dumb, we're talking bizarre. Mr. Bibbit came in every once in a while, always wearing heavily soiled work clothes and crusted with dirt. And man, did he smell. Ugh... I think his body and his breath were in a duel to see which could become more offensive. But I digress, it's his starfishy brain I'm supposed to be focusing on.

    So, Mr. Bibbit comes up to me and asks about the then-new slimline PCs we got from HP. They're the low-profile boxes that cram everything into a Micro-ATX-sized case.

    "Yeah, so let me get this straight: the whole computer is in this little box here."

    "That's right."

    "How much will you take off if I don't need the monitor?"

    "That price is just for the tower, sir. The monitor is separate."

    "I already got my own monitor."

    "That's fine. It should work with this computer."

    "Yeah, I got a little seven-inch monitor in my truck that takes the computer inputs."

    "That's... nice."

    "I figure I'll put this thing in there, and I'll be able to use my current monitor. Be better than getting a laptop."

    "Ummmm... I gotta say, I really don't think that's such a good idea. It might be small, but this computer wasn't designed to be portable. It's designed to be set on a desk when in use."

    "Oh, well, I figure I'll build an enclosure for it out of quarter-inch steel, and bolt that into the truck, and line the whole thing with foam. I already got the power converter to run it." He shrugs at me. This would eventually come to be seen as a signal that he was quite comfortable with his level of stupidity, and I should learn to deal with it.

    "Yeah, see... there are trade-offs made in designing a system this small. First, if you were to open the case, you'll find that there's almost no extra room for airflow in there, so it's CRUCIAL that this thing get as much ventilation as possible. Keeping it in a small box with foam around it is a very, very bad idea. Second, the hard drive and DVD drive are like those of a desktop: they aren't made to be used in environments with lots of vibration. The bouncing in your truck is liable to cause your DVDs to skip and your hard drive to die prematurely."

    "I'm gonna use LOTS of foam. I'm pretty sure it'll work."

    "Well, it's your call. I just have to say this is REALLY not the intended use for it." I actually don't give a crap if he breaks it or not, but I have to do the CYA thing to protect myself.

    "I'll take it."

    "Fair enough, let me get it together for you. While I'm doing that, I need to tell you about some things specific to this model. Because of its size, most of the components are smaller versions of the standard parts you'd find in a normal-sized computer. That means that repairs and upgrades are going to be much more difficult. Repairs will be tough because finding replacement parts will be difficult, and if you do find them, they'll probably cost more than a cmparable part for a normal computer. I'd certainly reccomend getting some coverage beyond the factory warranty because, frankly, from what you've told me, this thing will be needing service at some point. Second, as for upgrades, it's not going to happen. There's only one upgrade slot, and it's already full, and even if it weren't you'd have to find special 'low-profile' cards, which aren't sold in any stores around here and even the ones I've found online cost an arm and a leg. If you're getting this thing, be VERY sure you want it exactly as-is, because I can promise you that trying to upgrade it after-the-fact will prove to be more trouble than it's worth."

    He looked at me and shrugged. He was dead set on doing this, and thought he was pulling a fast one on me by getting me to sell him the thing. Why were they always under the impression that I didn't know what I was talking about, and simply got my jollies from talking people out of buying stuff?

    Well, you know what happened. Two months later, Mr. Bibbit comes back in, wantin' ta talk.

    "Yeah, I wanna know how to put an extra ethruhnet card in there."

    "So, you're currently using one ethernet card, and you'd like a second?"

    "I got me one-o-them small computers, and I'm running two cords into it, and I'm tired of plugging and unplugging them to switch 'em."

    "Well, then you're pretty much out of luck. Like I told you when you bought your computer, there's no real room to expand in those extra-small computers. There's no place to put another card."

    "So what can I do? Can I get a splitter?"

    "Well, you could try an ethernet hub or switch, but without knowing what devices you're connecting I have no way of knowing if it will work. I'm guessing one ethernet cord is for your network, what are you using the other one for?"

    *shrug*

    "...right. Well, then the only other suggestion is to use one of these Ethernet->USB converters."

    "I don't want to have anything extra plugged into it. This thing is getting to be a pain in the ass. What if I just use one cable, can I get a card for that?

    "That's really the only option with one of these extra-small computers. You're not going to fit anything else inside it. If a wire isn't an option, why not use the computer's built-in Wifi? That way, you wouldn't have to run any cables at all?"

    *Shrug*

    "Hey, if I can cut it down to one wire, can I get a card for that?"

    "Sir, your computer already comes with one ethernet jack... if that's all you're going to ue, why would you need a new card?"

    *shrug*

    Mr. Bibbit eventually came to understand that his connectivity choices were defined by what was already existing in the computer as I sold it to him. He then decided to buy a multifunction printer-scanner-copier, which I sold him. When presented with the total, he asked if I could "just take off the tax". I guess he figured I just charged sales tax at my discretion, and he could haggle the matter. When I declined, he called his boss to see if it would be possible to the company to buy his printer as a tax-exempt item. Mr. Bibbit's Boss told him to go pound sand up his ass.

    Said printer was eventually returned, with Mr. Bibbit commenting that he "couldn't get some of the features to work right". I don't know what features he was using, but his troubles might be related to the fact that the printer came back with the scanner glass smashed beyond recognition.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Shrug -Stryker One
  • Bizarre is about right. yeesh and I thought some geeks were bad about jury riggin stuff. this guy sounds just as bad and twice as clueless -SimianMilitant
  • Mr. Bibbit, the Shrugnugget--now with Onion!! -vacuumtubes
  • Why am I thinking that he tried to use the printer/scanner in his truck? *shrugs* -Seamyst
  • Scanner glass broken != acceptable return -unrenowned
  • go pound sand up his ass<-- Made me laugh hysterically. I meet these people at Wallyworld all the time. I smile and laugh then leave. -raneshem
  • Ehh, he can "return" it, but he won't get his money or a replacement for it.... -redevil34
  • I can see it now, a novel called, "Bibbit Shrugged"... -vacuumtubes
  • "C-h-i,g-g-i-n-s, Chiggins" http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=819185764 -stiffarm
  • 79. Mrs. Warbucks Pt. 2

    Scooter, BTW, was in the manager's office, talking with Warbucks Jr. and cussing him out for sending his parents out without enough sense to leave when the damn store closes.

    Using the same assertiveness I'd use to reign in a 4-year-old strung out on Mountain Dew, I manage to get Mrs. Warbucks to settle on a bunch of crap. I no longer care if it's what she needs or wants. Frankly, I don't think she does either. Then the real fun starts--- Mrs. W wants to open up a store card, so she can charge everything and finance it. That easily adds another 20 minutes to my already painful ordeal. I take her customer information, and she leans over to Mr. Warbucks and whispers (yet deliberately makes sure we can all hear) "We mustn't forget to make payments on the Jaguar this month!" Seemed an odd thing to bring up at that moment. At this point, I'm getting royally pissed at how much this broad is flaunting what she thinks is her extreme wealth, beyond that I suspect something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

    It's then that I ask if she has a checking account. Note that I didn't require any information ABOUT the account, I'm merely asking is she has one. She fumbles through her purse, and shows me a deposit slip. Her account shows a $35,000 balance. She held it in front of me, as in, she put it in her hand and waved it in front of my face. Mrs. W then puts on this injured look, and says "Whoops. Oh, I really, really didn't want you to see that. I don't want people knowing my personal financial information." WTF? Hitting me over the head and reading it to me would have been less subtle.

    It's now 90 minutes past closing. The only reason these people are still in the store is because of Scooter, and the only reason we aren't lynching the bastard is because he's actually more pissed than all of us put together (hey, at least I was getting overtime pay). I get Mrs. Warbucks' credit card application in line and submit it to the bank. I wander from the "transmit" console to the printer in the back office, and I swear, no sooner did I hit "Submit" than this person's rejection letter came out. Now, in most cases, if someone isn't able to get a credit card, the bank waits about 5 minutes and sends a rejection. To get a rejection in less than 10 seconds doesn't mean "No", it means "HELL NO! NO FUCKING WAY! GET THIS PERSON OUT OF YOUR DAMN STORE! TERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!"

    well, that's all I needed to know. Fuck this with a rake. I go over to Mr. and Mrs. W. and tell them how they can't use an official store card, and we'd need another form of payment. Of course, at this point, I'm ready to make sure that NO transaction goes through unless it's in the form of cold, hard cash. That's not a choice I would make everyday, but something is NOT right about this broad and I'm willing to let this sale walk. We weren't able to process their other card and the check they wrote (imagine that... *bfeg*). I offer to take cash, but they don't have enough on them, so they'd have to go to an ATM, and shucks, if they walk out of the store, we can't let them back in, being as it's so late... So, with as much faux regret as we could muster, we kick their asses out.

    It wasn't for another four months that we would get an epilogue to the tale of that very frustrating evening. Several weeks later, Mr. and Mrs. Warbucks were arrested for operating a credit card fraud scam. Here's the fucked-up part: they were found to be stealing their neighbors' credit cards, running up huge bills, and then RUSHING TO PAY THEM OFF!! Now, I'm not exactly a criminal mastermind, but I always thought the primary reason to steal a credit card was so that you didn't have to pay it of?!?! What criminal worries about paying her victims' bills on time?

    [By: linkv]
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  • For them, there is only fear. Fear and bullets. -Seamus
  • Please tell me that "Scooter" is no longer employed there. Or at least had to pay for the expenses incurred by the company for his anal-cranial-inversion. -Grembo
  • Ehh, I feel sorry for Scooter. It seems as though he really didn't know what he was getting everyone into with those fsck-nuggets. -Seamyst
  • Well, if I run up $10K on someone else's card, then pay the minimum from yet another card, I can probably keep them all undetected for another month.... </da> -Divinar
  • Can't help them with the fear. Bullets, on the other hand... -PTSTech
  • 80. Mrs. Warbucks Pt. 1

    Gang, I'd like you to meet "Scooter". Scooter is a guy who used to work in the Customer Service Department at RetailComputerStore. Nice guy. Very friendly. Dependable worker. MAJOR TOOL! Oh, God, out of all the people who worked for RCS, I never, ever met anyone else who was so completely re-programmed by the corporate office. Even the people I argued with on a daily basis over stupid policies would, occasionally, admit that some of the rules were just that-- stupid policies. But this guy... this guy would stand there as the CEO pissed on his head, and he'd swear to God it was raining. But anyway, that doesn't make him a bad person, just misled. On a person-to-person basis, we got along fine.

    So, I see this guy escorting Mr. and Mrs. Warbucks over to me. And by "escorting", I mean literally. Mrs. Warbucks was on his arm, while Mr. Warbucks walked right beside him. She was dressed in a long fur coat with dangly gold earrings, and he wore a suit that cost more than my car. Scooter looks at them and says "Hey, guys, I don't work in this department anymore, so I can't be much use to you, but here's Linkv. He's one of our best guys, and I know he'll treat you right. You can trust him. Hey, make sure to see me on yourway out, ok?" Apparently, they were his neighbors or something.

    With that, he walks off. Now, I have 45 minutes left in my shift, and having a customer delivered to me like this is like a big Christmas present at the end of the day. These customers were personally given to me by Scooter, so trust has been established, and he wouldn't have brought them over to me. Normally, a situation like this results in a very good sale with almost no effort, and often a good customer review on top of everything. So, unfortunately, I lowered my defenses and was completely unprepared for the chaos that was to come.

    First it was the computer. Mr. and Mrs. Warbucks wanted a new computer, and wanted "only the best". So, I showed them to the Sony PCs, and this seemed to go over very well with them. I pointed out each feature, and let them know why the Sony PCs tended to be so high priced. I think I saw Mrs. Warbucks smile a little each time I told her how much money she'd be spending.

    Then things went absolutely screwy. Mrs. Warbucks changed her mind, saying "I really love this screen. Maybe we just need a new monitor!" And promptly had us wipe the sale of the PC clean, and ring up just a monitor (a $1,600 monitor, no less. For some reason, they wanted the last of the old model vs. the new model, so we had to unscrew the damn display model from the wall. But that raised my Bullshit alarm again-- who "needs" a new computer and just settles for a monitor? Mrs. Warbucks continued her ADD-infused shopping, saying "Well, maybe I should just forget all this and get a digital camera! No, I want a camcorder! No, a new computer AND a digital camera! No, forget all that, maybe a PDA! No, I still want that monitor, and a camera, and....No... Give me that PC, with TWO MONITORS, and a camera, and ...." It got down to the point where we wanted to strap her to the wall and say "WHY the fuck did you come here, WHAT do you need, and WHAT don't you need?" They'd stayed in the store a half hour past closing, and everybody was starting to lose patience with them. Had they not had Scooter's blessing in the first place, they'd have been kicked out.

    After throwing about $1,300 worth of random crap on the ticket, Mrs. Warbucks stops and says "Gee, you know, maybe we're going about this the wrong way. We should ask Scooter if he can give us his employee discount!"

    "I do believe I can answer for him there." says I. "Employee discounts are only valid for immediate family in the same household. I'm, uh, sure you wouldn't want to get Scooter in trouble over a few bucks."

    [By: linkv]
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    81. More from the Wisdom of King Fish

    "So, what'd you do last night?"

    "I spent a couple hours on the Internet."

    "Yeah, I watched some TV too."

    "I didn't watch any TV, I was on the Internet."

    "Pictures on a screen... same thing."

    [By: linkv]
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  • In which we discover the only thing King Fish uses the Internet for, and are not surprised. -Rissa
  • *Insert lyrics from Blue On Black* -Seamus
  • All together now - "The Internet is really, really great - " -Divinar
  • "FOR PORN." -chazz
  • "I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait" -AngrySup
  • Uhm.... "No Comment / I plead the Fifth"? -ShujinTribble
  • 82. Big Browser, Little Brain

    Ever had one of those clowns who would ask for your help, and moments later, be an expert on the subject on which they had just needed help?

    Yeah, so this dumbass is looking at at a laptop. "Hey, what's wrong with your computers?! This website doesn't cover the whole screen?"

    "Ah, yes it does, sir. See? the background continues all the way to the edge."

    "That ain't right! It's supposed to go across the whole thing!"

    "Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It's really a matter of how the website was designed."

    "So, what, is your computer busted?"

    "No, it's really, really supposed to be that way. That's actually how a lot of websites are designed. See, I'll let you know: I've done a lot of studying on web design, and one thing a lot of people are being taught is to intentionally limit the width of a page to a fixed degree, because we can't count on everyone having these nice big high-resolution monitors. So, the solution many have is to lay out sites for the lowest common denominator."

    "No, see... look. It's just BLANK over here."

    "... I can see that. I understand that. I'm trying to say that it's not an accident. It's a practice I don't particularly agree with, but it's done for a reason nonetheless."

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, when you're designing a site, you can artificially restrict the width, OR, you can design the layout to expand proportionately to the size of the screen. In most cases, I think that works better."

    "Oh, so you can stretch this out? Show me how."

    "No, it doesn't work that way. That's just one way to design a page. If you don't do it that way from jump, you can't go back and just silly putty it around."

    "Look, I should be able to just pull this stuff all across here."

    "Sir, I'm dead serious here. A lot of websites are specifically designed to not let you do exactly that."

    "It takes up the whole screen at the computer AT THE STORE DOWN THE STREET !"

    "The website is the same no matter where you view it."

    "No no, down the street, they got this computer that automatically stretches everything to fit!"

    "What you're seeing here is a standard installation of Windows with a standard IE web browser installed on it. I guarantee you it's the exact same thing as down the street."

    "It can be done! I seen it!"

    "Well, what you CAN do, sometimes, is increase the font sizes. Sometimes that'll force the browser to use more screen real estate... but it'll get real big and really screw up some layouts."

    "No, no... this computer they got... it takes ANY WEBPAGE and automatically re-sizes it! And it never needs to blow up no fonts or nothin'!" Odd how just a minute ago you were saying out computers were busted, and now you're an evangelist for this wondercomputer just down the street, at the store who carries the same crap we do.

    "Okay, well, then all I can say is the computers we have are doing exactly what they're supposed to. I'm sorry if it's not what you're looking for."

    "But... how are they doing that?"

    "I really can't say. Like I said, some websites are not supposed to be stretched."

    "But how?"

    "Well, I can imagine if they had some sort of plug-in for the browser designed just to do that. I'm not aware of any off the top of my head, but I suppose it could be programmed to disregard any commands to fix the width of any page. They could run something like that on there."

    "Yeah! Show me one of those!"

    "Sir, I just made that up based upon what you're telling me. I don't even know if such a thing really exists."

    "Can you find out for me?"

    "No."

    "Why not?"

    "Because I'm not going to spend time researching a plug-in which may or may not exist to do something that might happen on some magic computer in another store that could possibly have been specially designed to prevent you from having to deal with something you don't like but can't explain why."

    "So like, could someone else look it up for me, then?"

    [By: linkv]
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  • Response: "I'm sure that someone at $otherstore would be glad to tell you how they did that." -chazz
  • I have a relative who DETESTS the "Times Roman" font - she wanted a plugin to automatically recast everything in Sans Serif (or maybe Comic Sans...) -Divinar
  • Does this story have a happy ending? Like you finally stabbing the customer repeatedly with a wooden spatula, and the authorities agreeing it was in the best interest of all human kind? -TheGhost
  • Divinar: you can do that actually, using accessibility options and a style sheet. -harrellj
  • Wanting everything in Comic Sans is suficient grounds for involuntary commitment in this state... -Griffin2020
  • If it were me, the convo would have been OVER after "I'm sorry if it's not what you're looking for." -Jeckler
  • $50 an hour charged directly to you minimum 8 hours and I'll consider it. (and I'll take my own sweet time to find it) -McSmiley
  • Oops" The only thing I can find violates company security. Can't be installed. Thanks for playing. -McSmiley
  • "Yes, those guys down the street." -Geminii
  • Could it be the that the magical "PC down the road" was set to 640x480, or some such crap resolution? -lineswine
  • You have the patience of a saint.....or ruthless assassin, depending on how you look at it. -BarmanVarn
  • 83. I want, I want, I want!!!!

    Allright, I've had a pretty good run so far, but like I said: every once in a while, you need to tell a story where the starfish win.

    Dude comes up to me and hands me a memory card reader. I'm standing by a cash register, so you know, it's pretty obvious he wants to pay me for the thing so he can leave. Since that's what I'm there for, I do my job. Not especially remarkable, but the point I'm getting at is, aside from the requisite "Hi, how are you", that was the extent of our conversation.

    "That'll be $14.99, plus tax."

    "No, it's ten."

    I double check my screen to make sure the scan worked correctly, and double-check the product number. "No, sir, that is $14.99."

    He pulls an ad out of his back pocket. "No no, it's ten, see? Don't you know your own ad?"

    I skim the listing. "Ah, I see. The ad is advertising a $10 multiple card reader. You brought me a CompactFlash card reader."

    "Well, that's what my camera takes! CompactFlash!"

    "Indeed. But the reader you brought me will not read a CompactFlash card. It does read several types of cards, but not CompactFlash."

    "Well, then why is it more?"

    "It normally would not be, but this particular week, that other reader is on sale. Would you still like to purchase the card reader?"

    "Yeah, but I want the $10 one!"

    "Sir, I can sell you the $10 reader, but it won't work with your camera."

    "That's misleading!"

    "No sir. The item in the ad was clearly labeled. I'm sorry, but you brought me the wrong product. I just rang up what you handed me."

    "Well, I want the CompactFlash reader for $10!"

    "I'm sorry, sir, but that reader is not on sale this week. It's $15."

    Of course, refusing to believe he could be in error, el suctomer demanded my invertebrate manager.

    "Hey, it says it's a 'multiple card reader', and that should mean it takes CompactFlash, since that's the most common type of card out there!" Of course, this was in 2006, when CF was only common in DSLRs and SD ruled everywhere else.

    Of course, this logic made my manager kowtow to his brilliance, who agreed that it was my fault he'd given me the wrong item, that he didn't know what he was buying, and that I hadn't stopped to give him a three-semester course in how his own equipment should have worked. From what I gathered from their conversation, they stopped just short of saying I was personally responsible for not making SD backwards-compatible with CF. My manager made a "business decision" to mark the CF reader down to $10. I'd prefer to call it "Rewarding illiteracy".

    It's good to know you work for a guy who will throw you under the bus over $5.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Hey it's not like you are ever going to see that SF again anyway since 'obviously you guys don't know how to treat customers right!' -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Holy hell! That didn't happen to occur at a TigerDirect somewhere, did it? Sounds an awful lot like the shit I had to deal with. -exzyle2k
  • Hello, I have this coupon for a free snow cone but I want your wife. Where is she? -Mushroom
  • That wouldn't be Worst Try would it?... -unrenowned
  • She's at work, Mush. really not sure how you'd mistake one for the other, but I guess the customer is always right... -illiterate
  • "I have an ex you might mistake for a snocone..." No, I can't even say that. Not even my worst dates were THAT frigid -Divinar
  • 84. Icing on the cake

    So... have you ever wondered what happens to the people who need your help setting up their e-mail, only to enter in 'starfishatispdotnet', using the incoming mail server 'pasinpauloasinoscarpasinpauldotispdotnet'? Ever wonder how they get through their daily lives? Wonder no more.

    So... person is leaving the office. A small party is planned and a local bakery is called to prepare a cake. The order is given to the girl on at the bakery:

    "The cake needs to say 'Best Wishes Suzanne', underneath that, 'We Will Miss You'".

    And what does the cake look like when it gets picked up? http://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb258/linkvb06/links/image001113.jpg

    [By: linkv]
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  • Yup... One of my current staff members used to work in the bakery section of Sam's Club as the manager... She couldn't believe how many times people would do that. They also had a cake decorator that was dyslexic. Go fig... -exzyle2k
  • of course, they couldn't spell either. Must have been handwritten chicken scratch as well. Nice. Hopefully the office had a good laugh. :) -PCChaos
  • Ok, now, see.. that SO didn't come from the place *I'M* at! -ShujinTribble
  • "And the Lord Thy God shouted from the Great Mountaintop, 'Thou Art a Fucknugget in Mine sight! Remove thyself from Mine wading pool....'" -vacuumtubes
  • Oh my god... you have GOT to be kidding.. That's not photoshopped? Find that cake decorator and throw the cake at her/him! UGH! Damn, people are stupid... -JoeLugian
  • There once was a time when my parents were trying to get rid of a garbage can. They went as far as taping a note to it that said "Take this please". The garbage men came next morning... and took the note. -AmazingKreskin
  • It is my understanding that the garbage men are not obligated to take any refuse which has not been properly bagged. You just needed a garbage bag big enough to go around the OUTSIDE of the bad garbage can. -LoTech
  • That, or otherwise degrade it's structural integrity to the point it will fit into a newer trash can... just don't use an axe if it's plastic; the bounce-back hazard could put you in the emergency room for stitches. -lowlyte
  • 85. King Fish discusses human intellect

    Welcome back, dear friends! It has been too long since we've had a littel get-together, with some storytime and general merriment. Tonight, the theme is brilliance in simplicity- we shall be having king-sized grilled cheese sandwiches and big bowls of tomato soup. It's a fairly sensible meal, so for dessert, treat yourself to deep-fried HoHos and Twinkies, served in a lake of home-made vanilla ice cream. Yes, the ingredients may not be much, but put them together and the combination is incredible.

    So, you may remember my old friend, King Fish... Well, yet another time I was stuck in the car with him, and the conversation turned to the topic of animal cruelty. Of course, not the most pleasant of subjects, but don't lose your appetites, friends, because we don't need to bring up anything graphic for this story. I forget exactly how we got onto the topic, but someone had mentioned something along the lines of toasting ants with a magnifying glass.

    So, I piped up. "Can't say that I've ever done that. It always seemed kinda mean."

    "Well, they're just ants!"

    "I don't really like ants, but I'm not going to go out of my way to be mean to them." Frankly, I have better things to do.

    "So, they're not intelligent!"

    "That's really beside the point. Killing something just for the sake of doing so is cruel."

    "So, what, you just let them overrun your house?"

    "Nooo.... If they're in my house, I fend them off because THEY'RE IN MY HOUSE. That's way different than wandering around outside looking for ants to fry."

    "So, you wouldn't kill something no matter what?"

    "I didn't say that. I just said you shouldn't do so without a reason. That's all I said."

    "Well, that's easy for you to say! Some people have to hunt to survive!"

    "I'm not even talking about that! That's survival! It's not just killing something just to kill it."

    "Well, so what?"

    "That was my point entirely, actually. Killing for the sake of killing is wrong. Killing pests, killing for food, killing in self-defense, even killing for sport... these are all different topics. We could split hairs on all of them. What you said has nothing to do with those. I can say that's wrong without even touching on those other issues."

    "Well, it ain't intelligent or anything! We kill and eat animals 'cuz they ain't as smart as us!"

    If I weren't stuck in this damn car, this conversation would have ended long ago. Unfortunately, I'm a captive audience"You can't base your decision on what to eat solely on intelligence. Otherwise, we'd be eating the retarded." On some level, I had to appreciate the irony of arguing the merits of animal intelligence with a guy whose own smarts didn't compare favorably to that of asphalt.

    "It ain't wrong to kill something that ain't intelligent."

    "Maybe we're being too specific here. Let me take a step back and maybe I can illustrate why I think this way. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that a human is 10,000 times as intelligent as an ant."

    "Uh huh?"

    "Now, let's say one day Earth is invaded by creatures that are 10,000 times more intelligent than us. Would it be okay for them to slaughter us for fun, just because they were so much more intelligent?"

    "No, 'cuz if they were really so smart, they'd know that we were smart too."

    "Our intelligence means nothing to them. To them, we're no better than an ant. What are brains are capable of are nothing to them."

    "They couldn't be smart if they didn't know we wuz smart too." Wow, there should be a legal limit on irony.

    "I don't think I'm making my point at all. Right now, there are animals on earth, with a measurable intelligence, albeit one less than a human's. And what you're saying is that it's okay to kill them just for the sake of doing so. Not for food, self-defense, or any other (arguably justifiable) purpose. This is what you're telling me. "

    "Right, because we're so intelligent."

    [By: linkv]
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  • Does that mean you can kill and eat King Fish? -Dante668
  • D668 - By this logic you could KILL him.. but considering the myth about inheriting the qualities of the enemies you eat... I'd stay with the fried twinkies, tyvm. -ShujinTribble
  • He makes my head hurt! Advil Please!!!! -ProfGeek
  • People tend to be this arse-brained. I mentioned in a discussion on Usenet once that I learned how to shoot when I was 12. Some woman(? The nym was female, but it's Usenet - who knows?) became indignant, insisting that one absolutely MUST be 18 before touching a gun. She refused to listen to reason, of course, so my statements that I learned all of the basic safety lessons correctly fell on deaf ears. -Seamus
  • Do humanity a favour - don't let it breed! -lineswine
  • Thanks a lot. Just reading that made my migraine come back... -K9Insanity
  • Not letting it breed - wtf sort of human would bother with it???? -timelady
  • *whack* *splat* "Really. He said I could do it." -Mushroom
  • "We kill lions and tigers 'cause IT'S FUN! We kill chickens and cows 'cause WE'RE HUNGRY!. We kill flies and mosquitos 'cause THEY'RE PESTS!. We kill people 'cause IT'S FUN....and THEY'RE PESTS!" George Carlin -udoshan
  • I have conversations like this sometimes. I very much suspect that very often the case is NOT that they're as dumb as a brick, but they'd rather look stupid than admit they were wrong. So they act like they don't understand your point so that they never have to acknowledge it as valid. -veaudaux
  • 86. Training on tact

    Mr. Mack (our trainer): Our guidelines on professionalism are pretty straightforward. When you are on the phone with a customer, you DO NOT EVER discuss religion, sex, or politics.

    Edgar: What about sports?

    Mr. Mack: *pondering this* I think sports would count. Some would consider it politics.

    Me: I know some people who think sports qualifies as all three!

    [By: linkv]
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  • sometimes agreeing with their favorite sports team aquires more sales! -kagewrestler
  • I get more than a few odd looks when I admit that I don't follow ANY team. In ANY sport. I would rather turn the TV off entirely than watch sports. (unless you count using golf to induce an early nap.) -LoTech
  • I once overheard a tech discussing religion AND politics with a customer, and touching on several controversial issue (and this was when that 'children need both parents' campaign was so popular, so she talked about that). -sandpuppeteer
  • I used to enjoy watching an occasional WVU game with my dad, because their band would sometimes play the Imperial March. -Seamyst
  • I actually lost a nice juicy sale when I was working at WorstTry because I didn't watch the Superbowl. Customer and I were wrapping it all up (about $2K w/ cheese) when the guy asked me what I thought about <some wild play>. I responded with my usual: I don't watch sports. Guy stares at me for about three seconds, turns, and walks right out the door. Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?! -unrenowned
  • 87. Another one from the "Ricky" file!

    We've all known those supervisors who seem to do nothing but get in the way. The work gets tough, and all they do is tell you to take calls faster, document your notes, and offer HBO to everyone. You'd like nothing more than to tell them to grab a headset or get the hell out of the way. Of course, usually the more rational part of your mind tells you they can't, since they have supervisorly duties of their own to attend to. They're probably screwing those up too, but at least that's not your problem.

    For better or worse, you learn to live with these types. What can cause you to lose all patience, however, is when they make it clear that they REALLY DO have enough free time to help you out, were they so inclined. Unfortunately, they're more inclined to make a pest of themselves.

    We rearrainge our desks yet again, since CableISP thinks leaving well enough alone will cause our stock value to plummet. I get the row of desks facing the aisle. I always hated that, since I find people moving behind me to be distracting when I'm trying to concentrate. The only thing behind me was, unfortunately, Ensign Ricky's supervisor desk. Yes, an aisle seat AND within eyeshot of the boss. If the office were a real estate map, I was living in the projects.

    So, I get this call from a dialup customer who has trouble getting a connection. Symthoms are all over the map. Sometimes he connects, sometimes he doesn't. He's read off two or three different error messages. The behavior is not at all consistent, so it'll take a bit more thought than your standard "Does your password work?" and "Do you have a virus?". I run through the basic stuff first-- un/pwd, check the wiring, ask about antivirus and firewalls. then I walk him through deleting and re-creating his DUN info. I do this because it never hurts to try, and also because I need to think about the most logical course of action should the obvious stuff fail. I remembered an issue like this from MONTHS back, but how did I solve it? Think, think, think...

    As I talked the customer through it all, I look up at my screen to see if he makes a connection. Suddenly, I get an IM window that says "THE CUSTOMER YOU ARE TALKING TO NEEDS A NEW DIAL UP ACCESS NUMBER."

    Whaaaaaat??? I had been so deep in thought that I couldn't process this. Not just the solution itself, but how it got to be on my screen. I was so frustrated, and so confused by the turn of events that my first thought was honestly that my computer had just become HAL or something. Then I checked the log... it was sent by Ricky, who was sitting behind me, monitoring my call. The problem was, eliminating an access number issue was the FIRST thing I'd checked, so I knew that wasn't the case. However, our messaging system only worked one way, so I had no way to tell him that. You'd think if he was actually monitoring me, he'd figure that out, but his teching skills weren't so hot. At wasting my time, however, Ricky had mad skillz.

    So, I continue to troubleshoot the issue, and Ricky continues to send me messages saying "CHANGE HIS ACCESS NUMBER!" and "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I finally get the customer squared away, probably taking five minutes more than I would have if my concentration hadn't been broken up by his crazy IMing. He comes over and asks me WHY MY TROUBLESHOOTING TOOK SO LONG!?!?!

    Bat! NOW!

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Yeah. I once had a coach back on BellSloth Netsend me several solutions during a call that I'd already tried. Once all was said and done, my nerves were shot, I was this >< close to throttling the fucking bint who THEN had the audacity to waltz up and ask, "What took so long? Why is your eye twitching? Do you need a five-minute break?" I. Just. LOOKED. At. Her. Then nodded. -Seamus
  • Sounds like a precursor to this guy: http://www.break.com/index/office-worker-goes-absolutely-insane.html -Stryker One
  • Kill...Clouseau. Kill....kill....KILL! -vacuumtubes
  • That would get anoing. our IM works both ways - so we could ask questions and the can pester us with questions -compbrat
  • 'because someone kept breaking my concentration by sending be useless advice through pop-ups. I haven't checked the logs yet, but when I do they are going to hear from me that I had already tried everything they were telling me to do.'...'oh these were from you? I'll try to speed things up faster next time.' -drachen
  • Your solution is obvious! Make up a series of construction paper signs. When 'Ricky Dicky' IMs you with a suggestion, simply hold up the appropriate sheet over your shoulder. Suggestions. The flying fickle finger of fate, A schematic of him locating his ass with a map, The words 'Get Serious!', any other soothing ideas? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Negative, folks... When that happens, you tell the customer after a quick pause, "..OH! And I just got a suggestion from my supervisor to try $Step_Already_Done, which we already did.... so that message about this call might be monitored? Apparently this one IS today. Let's continue, now....." -ShujinTribble
  • 88. Jedi Mind Trick

    Ladies and Gentlemen, the Jedi Mind Trick works. I have used it. I have proof.

    At my last job, every time we completed a transaction, we were supposed to get the customer's information. Contrary to what every tinfoil-hat-wearing customer thought, this was not to provide ammunition to our vast army of telemarketers. Slapping customer info on each sale made it easier to return items when customers lost their receipts, let us contact the customer in the event of a product recall or rebate issue, and gave us ways of updating customers when their computers were being worked on. Now, I don't have any reason to defend my former employer, because I know for sure they had a lot of very shady policies, but even still I really don't have a reason to doubt that that's ALL this info gathered was used for. I know I, personally, used this info for all the above reasons.

    Even still, I understood how apprehensive some people were about giving up their phone number, even when it was 100% required, as in the case of sending in a computer for repair. They wouldn't even be tactful about objecting... I'd get their paperwork together, ask for their name and number, and they'd bark "IT'S UNLISTED!!!!" with a snarl. Hey, look I didn't ask if it was unlisted, I asked for your number, because the fire marshall won't let us update customers by smoke signals anymore. I used to be so diplomatic in explaining that I only needed their number for the purpose of registering the purchase and providing a way to contact them afterward about said purchase. But no, they'd argue and fume that we were going to sell their info. What did work, and I kid you not it worked over 95% of the time, was the Jedi Mind Trick.

    WITHOUT JEDI MIND TRICK:

    "Okay, now, just so we can contact you when this is done, could I have your phone number please?"

    "IT'S UNLISTED!"

    NOT the question I asked! "I understand you're concerned for your privacy. This is only for our records concerning this purchase. We don't sell or share phone numbers."

    "That's what they all say!!!"

    "Sir, without having information like that recorded, we have no way of helping you if you lose your receipt, which to be honest, happens a lot."

    "I won't lose it!!!! Hey, where are my keys? Damn it..."

    WITH JEDI MIND TRICK:

    "Okay, now, just so we can contact you when this is done, could I have your phone number please?"

    "IT'S UNLISTED!!!"

    *Peaceful stare*"That's okay. You can give me an unlisted number."

    *confused* "It's 555-3457."

    "Thank you."

    I know it sounds crazy, but it really did work, almost every time! Obi-Wan FTW!

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • (O_o) ...y'r SERIOUS?! -ShujinTribble
  • ST - I shit you not. -linkv
  • Oh, NO! Don't you realize you doomed him to a life of servitude as the Unlisted Number Division of the phone company's Witless Protection Program comes after him for actually revealing his secret identity? Waitaminnit... Servitude? That'd be a GOOD thing! -Voz
  • Wow. That's too cool! Teach me Yoda! -stpatience
  • *bows before the master* -Seamyst
  • It's crazy,........but it makes sense!! -fishwrangler
  • It only works on the weak minded... 620-509.... HEY!!! <heads for the shelter!> -MgrofChaos
  • wow it really works 867-5309 -neuman1812
  • I've read this 3 times today, and every time I start snickering... -minchazo
  • I wonder if some people were thinking of something like the do-not-call list where if a company can get you to give them you're number, you're opting-in to telemarketing calls; The really sad thing is how some companies will just endlessly ream anyone whose number they can get with telemarketing calls. I mean, let's be honest, most *fish would drop their pants and walk backwards through a prison yard grabbing their ankles while reciting their name, address, dob, employer, and SSN for a candybar, so it has to be bad for *fish to wise up and start being the tiniest bit guarded with any private info. -miyako
  • 89. Fancy Book-Learnin'!

    A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... I have no idea what happened, since I wasn't there. But I do know about six years ago I was finishing up my time in college. I was majoring in computer science, and my buddy (Scofflaw) was studying TV and Film production. We both had an avid interest in the other person's studies, so we'd often compare notes. Often enough, the two topics converged. One fateful day, we were having a discussion fueled by cafeteria-dispensed mystery meats.

    "Yeah, so, you know how to make web pages, right? We're studying that now."

    "Huh. Interesting. Why do they think you need to know that in order to make TV shows?"

    "Beats the hell out of. I think they just figure it's one of those business skills we should have. Besides, my teacher is mental." For the record, yes, she was.

    "Ah well. So, what are you using? Dreamweaver? FrontPage? Good old NotePad? That's my favorite."

    "Uh, no. PhotoShop."

    "WHAT?!?!"

    "Yeah, she figures since we already have PhotoShop on our computers, we should learn on that."

    "Your 'web design' class only teaches you how to use PhotoShop?" For crying out loud, if you're going to make someone use training wheels, at least give them the same wheels everyone else uses!!

    "Yeah, all we have to do is draw the site on the screen and it turns it into a big jpeg."

    "And has your teacher given you any indication as to what these pages are like?"

    "According to her, they're 'booootiful!' Plus, I think PhotoShop is the only program she knows how to work, so there ya go."

    "Right, anyway, what's your point?"

    "Well, we're making a website for the department, and I've been appointed the Editor..."

    "Huh?! Say What?!?" This struck me as very out of sorts. If they're going to have a website about student projects, it only made sense to give the project to the CS majors.. the ones who were STUDYING that topic. If not that , then it would be better if the website were maintained by a faculty member. While I don't mean to disrespect my fellow students, I thought that this project represented a huge missed opportunity for a CS department that was hungry for projects.

    "Yeah, she says I'd be a good editor."

    "Don't take this the wrong way, but... based upon WHAT?!?

    "Well, she likes how I edit video, so she thinks that means I'll be good at editing websites."

    "You do realize that nothing she's told you makes a damn bit of sense, right?"

    "Of course. You gonna have more grub?"

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Yeeouch! That's worse than using MSWord to export as HTML (which I've done. 6.5MB worth of completely useless tags cluttering the header and footer of the file). (Notepad Development Environment FTW!) -Seamus
  • I always liked, "HomeSite" -ShujinTribble
  • That's why I only use Notepad (well, depending on which OS I'm on, but yeah) to work on my personal site. Photoshop?? -Seamyst
  • I use notepad to keep my skills fresh, but if I'm feeling lazy, I'll hop on Dreamweaver. -unrenowned
  • Sadly, for a lot of people, Photoshop *is* the standard for web design; I suspect this is because in many cases people treat web design the same as doing a magazine layout or something. I know a couple of moderately technical people who are guilty of this. That said, for someone who is truly a designer, there is something to be said for the designer using the tools of their trade, e.g. photoshop, to design a layout that will be sent over to the developer whose job it is to turn the design into CSS/Javascript/HTML. All said, while I think that the designer designs in photoshop/developer develops in CSS/HTML/AJAX/Flash/<whatever> approach can work, it's as important for the designer to understand fundamental web development technologies as it is for the developer to understand the fundamentals of design theory. Of course, all this matters very little to me, I gave up web design and web development a few years ago when I realized that I absolutely loathed it. -miyako
  • take a look at editpad plus. Nice lil multipage editor with syntax highlighting. -cyberguru
  • I would usually create my graphics in Photoshop (or Fireworks depending on mood) to use as elements on my webpage, but all the actual construction/maintenance/etc actually got taken care of on Dreamweaver. It's an interesting approach, not necessarily WRONG, just seems like it would take a whole lot longer to choke out a website that way..unless you were creating a custom layout/background/stylesheet from the ground up, then it'd be a godsend. -fdiskcuresall
  • I use edlin to make web pages. -Ichiro
  • When my mother learned how to build a webpage, she was taught to build a mockup of how she wanted it to look in Photoshop, cut it into pieces, and make each piece an element in the webpage in dreamweaver. Its a useful approach if you tend to start at how something looks and move to how it works, as opposed to the other way around - and arty people tend to do that. -Parilla
  • Plesk enabled linux server with sitebuilder FTW. Those who can't do, teach. -putahtek
  • 90. We'll call this a do-over

    Gather 'round, my friends, gather in my humble abode! Specifically, take your seats on the comfy couches... Parilla and Seamyst, could you sit up front? I tend to tell better stories when the extra-pretty girls are in viewing range. And vacuumtubes, don't forget, it's your turn to walk burkiss after we eat. Tonight we will be feasting on drunk chicken: whole chickens stuffed with beer, onions, spices, and other assorted flavors, then slow-roasted until the alcohol dissipates and leaves the poultry with an almost candy-like flavor. Aside that, there will be some hearty spring mix salad with carmelized walnuts and a dijon-maple dressing. As I know there are some vegetarians in the group, there will be enough salad that you can have it as your main course, if you like.

    I think everyone is entitled to a starfish moment now and then. The nice thing is, when a tech's brain stops working, we can all tell the difference. Fortunately (this time) the brain that stopped working wasn't mine. Anyway, a few evenings ago, I was sitting on the bed with my laptop when I got an IM from Wags. My girlfriend had done some rearranging and had me hook up her PS2 in the bedroom on an old 13" TV. At the time, I had thought nothing of it. The IM conversation you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect those involved, though I sure as hell wouldn't use the word "innocent" to describe either one of us.

    Wags: Oh, unrelated question.

    Wags: How do I work the PS2? I already plugged it in.

    Me: Change the channel to "AUX" or "LINE"

    Wags: I did that. I get the PS2, but no sound.

    Me: Okay, is the game in the system? (Sorry for the stupid question)

    Wags: Hey! I'm not one of your customers!

    Me: Fair enough. Take the white plug out of the TV and try the red one

    Wags: Ok

    Wags: Still no sound.

    Me: Hmm... okay, what color is the power light on the front of the system?

    Wags: Oh, wait, I am a customer. I had the thing on mute.

    Me: No big deal. That wouldn't be as funny if your TV didn't say "MUTE" on the bottom in big letters, which I know it does. ;-)

    Wags: Sorry.

    Me: You do know I'm going to post this on TSC, right?

    Wags: Okay, but you owe me.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • I think the technical term is "Brainfart" -Spyder19
  • *applaudes* Bravo; Nicely done. -GoblinKing
  • *blinks* I'm extra-pretty! Thanks, linkv, you just made my day! -Seamyst
  • A PS2 on 13" TV? Is this guy some kind of masochist? -Stryker One
  • Gal, stryker. Wags is linkv's girlfriend. :D -missourimule
  • And exactly what does he 'owe' her? Private instruction on proper interconnection functionality? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Yay! I'm famous! And I've done things like that several times. Read the screen? But its a TV! -Parilla
  • My little geekette watched a series DVD with the image on black-and-white. I asked her why and she said that's how it is. I replied, it only looks like that if you haven't selected DVD from the TV/AV button. I selected DVD and the image was back to colour. She now knows for next time. -Wraith556
  • 91. Just Tryin' to be Helpful!

    In the days before Dell started selling their stuff in Wal-Mart, when their only real retail presence was a few mall kiosks that floated around the state (you know, last year-ish) I was selling computers made by their competitors. As it happened, the city I live in has a Dell service center just a few miles out of town. A rather ignorant sot came in one day and tried to play the "play one against the other" game with me.

    "Well... y'know, maybe I just shouldn't buy from you! I might want to check out Dell and see what THEY'LL do for me!"

    "Hey, I understand, I shop around too. The only thing to consider is, you said you wanted something today, and Dell only does mail-order. They don't have actual stores like.

    "What?!?

    "I'm not discouraging you from checking out your options, but Dell computers are bought either through their website, or by calling their 800 number. There's no store in this city you can just walk in to and an hour later, walk out with a PC. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, it's just not how they operate."

    *incredulous* "So... YOU'RE SAYING if I go down to that big DELL building down by the highway, they won't be able to show me anything?!?!"

    *shrug* "A job application, I reckon."

    [By: linkv]
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  • which would put him right on par with about 90% of their tech support agents :P -EtherRabbit
  • I used to ask at Dell's kiosk if their system will run a game. It was really good when the system check routines would label the video subsystem as "inadequate", especially with a mug punter behind me. Typical Dells, too much CPU and not enough I/O or video. -Wraith556
  • One of the businesses in our building is a Pack'N'Ship place for UPS (sort of an unfranchised UPS Store). We're on the same road (but several blocks from) the big UPS center for the area. 'Nuggets that don't want to call the national 800 number see our number in the phone book and think they've found some kind of super-secret local number that they can use to call that center directly. They never will accept that A: They have NOT called UPS 'proper', and no one at the number they've dialed can answer their questions and B: They CAN NOT call the local UPS center, as they don't have a published local number. GTFOMP and call the 800 number. -veaudaux
  • 92. No-Effort Parking LART (nt)

    It was one of those nights. I didn't really want to be out shopping, but the fact is, I really needed to pick up three things before I went home for the night. So, I pull into the grocery store, find a spot, and... notice that it's already partially claimed.

    By that, I mean that the SUV next to the spot was not content to merely have a spot right up front, the driver felt they were entitled to take the entire spot and a good chunk of the adjoining space as well. Apparently, this driver felt that piloting a Ford Phallus entitled him to the extra room. Of course, if he wanted to park like a jackass, he could have driven to the back of the lot, where dozens of spaces sat empty. Nope, he had to park crooked right by the entrance. And I don't mean that his tire was kinda sidling the line, his entire wheel was sitting in what should have been my spot.

    It took me a second to think of an appropriate course of action. I backed up, and then carefully slid my car into the adjoining space. It actually wasn't that hard (I love driving a Japanese car!) There was barely enough space between our cars for my mirror. I triple-checked the lines around my car, to make sure *my* parking job was perfectly legal, then proceeded to get out the passenger side. On my way into the store, I pulled out my cell phone and snapped a picture of the plate... just in case I came back and found any alterations to my paint job.

    So, I went in to pick up my two or three things, paid for them, and within seven minutes was walking back out into the parking lot. And... what do I see? Not one, but TWO people standing behind the behemoth SUV, carefully waving it back out of the parking space. Took them probably the better part of ten minutes, and it looked like I made them either nervous or pissed off.

    Almost a shame I never got to use the "hit-and-run" photo... that could have been fuuuunnnn....

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • I -LOVE- doing that stuff! -Grue
  • I've done that, and my mirrors fold in, so I can get within inches. -Stryker One
  • I love parking close to people who don't know how to park. -p3bk4c
  • SUV = Stupid User Vehicle -Stryker One
  • I usually scribble a note stating something to the effect of "I hope you can pay for it, because you can't drive it" Definite good call on snapping a plate pic. Douches -deskmonkey
  • This pisses me off. I drive a huge car and I always park properly. At work a fish with 4WD used to do this exact thing. Myself and another guy from the help desk went and parked our cars either side with an inch to spare once we folded the mirrors. Then we decided to work some overtime. I heard later that he had to open his tailgate and crawl in that way. -Maltgha
  • NSFW - http://www.themostinfluential.com/blog/wp-content/mickey_parking_ticket_redone1.thumbnail.jpg -exzyle2k
  • Tell the world http://www.youparklikeanasshole.com/ -K1W1
  • Too bad you didn't have some friends in their vehicles along for the fun. Then you could have done what my dad did once back in college. Some dumbass decided to take three spaces with their vehicle in front of a building. My dad and two of his buddies were so nice to surround the dumbass's car with their vehicles. One vehicle in front, one vehicle in back, one vehicle parked side-by-side to dumbass and let's not forget the brick wall on the other side of the dumbass' vehicle. Guy was stuck for quite awhile. Seems as if Campus Security was too busy that day to call a tow truck too. -PCChaos
  • When I take my daughter out in the wheelchair van, sometimes all the van spaces are taken. So I have no choice but to park way in the back of the lot and take up two spaces to have enough room to let the lift down. It's ok, I can walk and push the chair (non-handicapped people in handicap spots tick me off, but that's another story). But I ALWAYS make sure I am at least 3 spaces from the nearest car. Can't tell you how many times I've done that, only to come back and find a car parked RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIFT (even though there's a sign on the door) so that I have to move the van to let it down. AND plenty of empty spaces closer to the building. -MamaTech
  • That stuff makes me want to buy some cheap POS cars that barely run and have alot of "Accidents" -LazyLemming
  • >exzyle2k: quoth the server, 404. -Stryker One
  • Concept8 and I keep a supply of fake coupons for a driving school so we can leave one on cars parked like that. -concept14
  • 93. Rico Suave buys a computer

    Rico Suave walked in one day, and the entire store seemed classier by his presence. He projected an air of handsomeness and pure manly attraction. I don't know if his secret was in his dyed buzz-cut, his pronounced ear hair, or his three-inch-wide suspenders, but the man was hot stuff and he knew it. He didn't have time to take note of the women fainting from arousal as he passed, he was a busy man. Rico needed to buy a computer worthy of his mighty Y chromosome.

    I did not get to help Rico that day. Instead, that task fell to my buddy, Teflon Steve. Steve started up a conversation with him, that promptly went nowhere. The usual "What do you plan on using this computer for?" and "What programs do you enjoy working with?" were of no help, for clearly, Rico's computing needs could not be comprehended by us mere mortals who wore matching socks. So, Steve took the opposite approach. As Rico fancied himself something of a high-roller, Steve showed him the Sony PCs. He pointed out how they tended to be the highest-end boxes we carried. Then, he walked him down the aisle to see the HP machines, noting the features that were lost as the prices dropped. Finally, Steve showed Rico the eMachines section. For some reason, he stops at a nondescript machine in the middle of the aisle.

    "What about this one?"

    Teflon Steve thinks he's finally managed to communicate with him. Poor bastard. "Well, this is actually a pretty nice bundle. The Athlon 64 CPU is very versatile, doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and the system has plenty of memory. For $550, I'd say it's a good buy. Though, to be honest, eMachines isn't my favorite brand, and I'd ask you to at least look at the Compaq around the corner if you like this one."

    Rico then wandered off, asking about other systems, and for the better part of an hour, made Steve compare systems that had nothing in common. He'd ask why a $1,000 Sony tower was different than the $250 eMachines Semperon-based system. Then he'd ask again. And again. Steve was ready to collapse at the end.

    Finally, Rico returned to his original eMachines, and grinned triumphantly. He petted his new computer and said to Steve. "I'm going to buy this computer... because the keyboard is so sexy."

    Without even beginning to explain that the keyboard was, in fact, nothing more than a stock eMachines keyboard, Steve tried valiantly to explain that Rico was using a very bad critera upon which to base his whole buying decision. Steve swore that if Rico put any thought into another system, he would promise to help Rico match it with a "Sexy" emachies keyboard. But no... Rico knew that women flocked to a man with a beer gut and an eMachines keyboard, so it had to be.

    Steve took the man's money as Rico hummed to himself "so sexy...". The computer came off the rollers, and Rico-- the man who thought charisma was a product of striped pants and eMachines keyboards, pulled around to drive his new computer home... in a brand-new Jaguar.

    Ugh.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *deep breath* HAHAHAHAHA:) -timelady
  • I'm too sexy for mouse, too sexy for my keyboard, so sexy it TINK TINK TINK TINK TINK... thud. -Stryker One
  • I. I... Have you ever experienced something so delightfully funny (for exactly all the WRONG reasons), that you can't even laugh because about half the synapses in your brain have simultaneously misfired? Yeah. That's pretty much what just happened to me. -Seamus
  • And what's the bet that PC is already an infected spam-spewing zombie! -Wraith556
  • It's 7:15am and I've got the giggles at work. Thank you, linkv! :) -Tekkie
  • *giggles uncontrollably* Oh man... the stupid! It burns! -Seamyst
  • "Rico needed to buy a computer worthy of his mighty Y chromosome" hehehe -supportrobot
  • Rico is starring in the next "I'm in debt up to my eyeballs!" commercial. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Hmmm, I guess it was a BAD idea to read this whilst answering phones. Laughing so hard, I couldn't even speak when I answered. Ha! -FixitWench
  • ::fanning self:: Rico sounds HOT! Where's he at?!? <preparing fire extinguisher> -MgrofChaos
  • 94. Bossman Gets Mini-LART

    I only had a few minutes to get several boxes of computers locked into their security cages. Customers would be coming in shortly, and if anything that expensive were left out, I'd be in serious crap. I finally manage to get almost all of them in the cage, I reach for the last few and...

    **RIP!**

    Ugh... not again. I look down and find my back pocket wrapped around the lock. My khakis now sported a very noticable and completely unfixable rip. And this was a new pair of pants. And, of course, this was the day I decided to wear the neon yellow Spongebob Squarepants boxers.

    It was then that I hatched an idea. I only had three hours left in my shift, I could be discrete in the meantime. I wandered over to the TV section where Samsung had left a box full of vendor swag, promoting their new LCD TVs. Among their freebies were some oversized novelty buttons. I took one of those, pinned it on my ass just above the tear, and was thankful that it was just big enough to cover the damage.

    For the sake of three hours, this seemed like a reasonable solution. Unfortunately, Bossman disagreed.

    "Yo, I think that's funny," he said in a tone that indicated he really didn't, "but you're gonna have to take that off. Some customers might be offended."

    "You know, that's possible, but I think they'd be more offended at seeing my underwear. I'm only wearing it because I ripped my pants on the cage."

    *blinks* "... you know, you got me. I've got no answer to that."

    ... and to think, I'd have never had this opportunity had I not chosen the button that says "I look good from any angle." ;-)

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

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  • Most clever... :) I am glad you pointed the problem out to him so.. humourously. -Warrick
  • BAHAHAHA!!!!! -Zimmerit
  • So gather 'round the campfire, we'll sing our campfire song. Our c-a-m-p-f-i-r-e song, and if you don't think that we can sing it faster, than you're wrong, it'll help if, you jus, sing along! -Slartarama
  • LOL, thats a riot. Was the eye of sponge bob lined up with hole? LOL. Taxi lart shelter! Light speed please... okay who moved the lart shelter? -StarFishHearder
  • Sorry- the LART shelter was sent in for dry cleaning this week! It needed it... -Voz
  • You win at life! I only wish I could have witnessed the conversation :) -Mango
  • NIIIIIICE. (btw, the LART shelter has gone PLAID! It'll take you forever to catch it at light speed) -Bobsentme
  • nice! -virusjtg
  • <sings> He lives in the LinkVs' pants, under his seat...</sings> -lineswine
  • 95. I want! (3/3)

    "Look, I don't want any tech, y'know, putting a bunch of different... um, PARTS, in my computer, that weren't there in the first place and DON'T BELONG THERE!"

    "Ah, then I'd highly recommend contacting HP and using their support. They are the only ones who will have access to genuine HP parts. The price I quoted you is for a Belkin-brand card."

    "Look, I just want a new computer!"

    "Sir, you purchased this computer five months ago. Our return period is 30 days after purchase, which has since passed. We can help you get the computer service, but that’s through us, not your manufacturer’s free service."

    “Hey, you GOTTA take care of this! I just opened it now, and it’s acting up. The thing was probably dead in the store when you sold it to me!”

    “No, sir. According to your receipt, we initially set up the computer with full antivirus and windows updates. That, at the very minimum, requires a working PC with an Ethernet card. If the Ethernet card is, in fact, the problem, then that problem developed after it left the store.”

    "But I need this thing TO-MORROW! I got a guy starting work in the morning who NEEDS this, and what am I gonna do if he can't use it? What am I gonna have him do ALL DAY? "

    “That is something we have no control over.”

    “Look, you gotta help me out.”

    “Sir, I am helping you out. I am telling you that you do have the option to get your computer serviced, for free, through the manufacturer. If you want to bring it in here, we can also look at it, but that is not free. It would be, if you had our service contract, but for whatever reason, you don’t. (NOTE: At the time, there was an unwritten rule that would have allowed me to waive all charges for a s.c. customer—that’s one of those ‘options’ I mentioned earlier. This rule has been since dropped.) So, you have to pay the standard rate, just like every other customer that walks in this door. None of them get free service. I can’t return your computer, LEAST of all for a problem which has not even been diagnosed by a member of our staff. I’ve told you what it would cost, and even agreed to waive the diagnostic fee if your HP tech was correct in his assessment. And, no disrespect intended to him, but that’s a big ‘if’, considering the problem could be the NIC, your firewall, a driver issue, a bad connection, or just plain user error. Some of those issues, by the way, are not covered under any warranty, so if you have a problem and don’t know what it is, I’d highly suggest having SOMEONE look at the computer as soon as possible.”

    “I’m never coming back in that store again. *click*”

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • ?I?m never coming back in that store again. *click*? And yet our indomitable Linkv bravely pulls himself out of the slough of despair that this threat must have sunk him into, just so that he could share the great story with his friends here at TSC. -concept14
  • "Slough of despair"? Is THAT what they call the Irish Jig nowadays? Well, might have been despairing after he bounced off the ceiling going "WHOOPEEEE!!!!" -ralphp1024
  • "What am I gonna have him do ALL DAY? " how bout learn how to troubleshoot his new laptop? -stiffarm
  • And as we all know, "A failure to plan on your part...," eh, you all know how that ends! -Captain Trips
  • Thank you for making me that promise, sir. Now, please be a dear....and go die in a fire. -vacuumtubes
  • "I'm never coming back to your store again!" "You mean that? Promise? Joy!" -flapjackboy
  • Heh, I was gonna say "At least he promised never to come back", but, I see everybody had the same thought -Spyder19
  • Ralph: The Slough of Despair is just off junction 6 of the M4, near Maidenhead. -flapjackboy
  • Soooo.... when did he show up to get the computer fixed? -MarloVino
  • Self-appreciative douchebags should never be allowed to own computers. -Seamus
  • Has anyone pointed out that he promised never to come back? *bfeg* -missourimule
  • So let me get this straight sir. You're demanding service that we don't offer, getting frustrated at me for going out of my way to assist you and give you multiple options, and being blatantly rude. If you never come in again, then I that's one less customer I have to put up with this from, so where's the bad here? Can you tell me that? Where's the downside to never having to put up with you and your self-centered attitude again? -TechnoTherapist
  • The Slough of Despair. That's like a smaller version of The Great Dismal Swamp (a real place! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Dismal_Swamp ) -Fuji
  • 96. I want! (2/3)

    Now his receipt finally appears on my screen. It's only then that I remember the sale. Guy came in to buy a computer for his home-based business. It was a midrange setup. We had set it up with an antivirus suite and he had purchased a 2-year contract, which he later returned for a refund. Neither of which was a hard sell, I remembered. I told him what came in the computer's box and what didn't. I explained to him how antivirus worked, and why he'd want it. I explained to him what our S.C. covered and what it didn't. It was the same low-pressure approach I took with the vast majority of my customers.

    "That's allright. Your computer is still under the manufacturer's warranty, so our service contract isn't the deciding factor in this case. When you called tech support, they probably would have provided you with an option to get the computer serviced."

    "Well, I dunno. How would that work?"

    "It depends. They might have you bring the computer to a service center, they might go ahead and UPS it back to their factory. I really couldn't say."

    "Look, you don't understand. I'm running a business, and I need this thing TO-MORROW!"

    “Well, sir, we can help you here. Now, I only have the word of your employee to go on, but if your problem is in fact your ethernet card, we can replace the card for you. It's even early enough that we could have it done the same day. That would be... $19 for the card, and $29 for the install."

    "WHAT! No, LOOK! This thing is brand-new! I just bought it a few months ago! I shouldn't have to pay ANYTHING!"

    "You don't have to pay anything, sir. Your computer is covered by a one- year warranty."

    "Well, then what's this $50 or whatever? It should be free!"

    "Your computer is under warranty, but that warranty is through the manufacturer. If you choose to disregard that warranty, and have us perform the work instead, that's fine, but that labor is not free. HP's is."

    "Yeah, but if I have to send it off, I won't have it tomorrow."

    "I suppose you are correct. Are you going to be bringing it in today?"

    "Not if I have to pay for anything! Look, I just bought this thing, what are YOU gonna do to help me?" See, this is what gets me. I don't mind that he cancelled the S.C., because most people who do so looked at the terms and said 'Well, if anything goes wrong, I'll just take my chances.' This guy in particular obviously gave it some thought, as he even went so far as to AGREE to it and BUY it, before changing his mind. He knew before he walked out the door that our labor was anything but free. He's in no position to start whining at how unfair his predicament is.

    ”Would you like me to set an Ethernet card aside for you, sir?” Yeah, I admit it, at this point I’m just milking it.

    "Not if I have to pay! Look, could I talk to the manager?"

    Oh, I love this. I smile, bat my eyes, and pretend the previous conversation never happened. "That would be me, sir. What can I help you with today?"

    The uber-courteous-faux-amnesia routine never fails to throw them off. "Wha? Huh? My COMPUTER IS BROKEN! That's what!"

    "Ah, yes, as you said. Sir, the repair you describe is $50 as we discussed. Now, normally, a computer that comes in is also subject to a $60 diagnostic fee, but if you've already had an HP tech verify the problem, and that is in fact the problem, then I'd be happy to waive that." And, trust me, if it's anything but a NIC issue, you're getting that $60 slapped back on your tab so fast your head will spin. "Now, as for the cost of the card and install, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that. Like I said, there's really no reason for you to pay for anything, as your computer is still under warranty, but if you need it tonight, well, that's what we're here for."

    [By: linkv]
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  • "What are YOU gonna do to help me" translation "I want it fixed for free, right now, and I'll keep whining until that happens". -Wraith556
  • "What are YOU gonna do to help me?" "Nothing sir, it's not MY PC." would have been my answer to that arsehole. The one advantage of being self-employed is that I don't have to take shit from ANY customer. <bfek9g> -Gromit
  • 97. I want! (1/3)

    Welcome, friends! Dinner tonight is fish & chips, hand-made and hand- cooked. For those of you who don't care for seafood, freshly baked pizzas are being made as well, both with and without barbecued chicken. As always, my guests can feel free to sample both dishes. I felt such a fun meal was fitting for the story I'm about to tell. This is a good one. We'll get a little "trying to run the show, despite not knowing a fracking thing", a bit of "this is my bidness!" and even top it off with just a hint of "I want a new mouse!" Truly, a tale to run the gamut of dollarandatacoisms.

    On one of my days as floor supervisor, my phone went off. On the end was a customer who had purchased a computer from me. At the time, neither one of us had realized that we had previously done business-- I was taking a customer call, he was talking to a supervisor, and that was all.

    "Yeah, I bought a computer there about five months ago, and now the thing's not working. I use this for my business, and I've got someone starting tomorrow that needs to use it, so we gotta get this taken care of."

    "I see, sir. What sort of difficulty are you having?"

    "Well, I don't know, I don't use the thing. I bought it for this guy who's coming in tomorrow, and I just know that whoever set it up said it wasn't working."

    "Ah. Well, what is your original ticket number, sir?"

    He reads his ticket number off to me, though it takes a while before I can pull it up. In the meantime, I try and keep the conversation rolling by getting as much information as I can.

    "So, you said you had someone set up your computer, and he said it was not working correctly?"

    "Yeah. He called the tech support guy at HP, and they said the, uh, Internet Box was bad."

    'Internet box? WTF?' "I... see..." Okay, presuming he isn't just completely making this up, in compliance with Rule #1, I'm going to proceed on the assumption that the ethernet card has issues, either hardware-related or a bum driver. Of course, I also realize that the entire story might be bullcrap. "Okay, sir. One thing I will need to know is, when you got this computer, did you happen to also purchase our service contract?" Because the computer is still under HP's warranty, this isn't my primary concern at the moment. I'm still just trying to keep him talking. However, if he does have an S.C., I have a few more options to help him, should it come down to that. I like knowing ahead of time if I have those options.

    "Well, gee, I dunno. It was so long ago, I can't remember..." Translation: nope.

    [By: linkv]
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    98. My name is linkv....
    ... and I'm a despair.com addict. Especially the DIY section. http://s207.photobucket.com/albums/bb258/linkvb06/posters/
    [By: linkv]
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  • I think my favorite's the Lolcats one. -Seamyst
  • I've made a few of them myself. Although I forget where I found out about the DIY page. http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/tearsonurcheek/?action=view&current=arkansas.jpg http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/tearsonurcheek/?action=view&current=Sheep.jpg http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/tearsonurcheek/?action=view&current=Destroyed.jpg and for those of you who are feeling a bit old: http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/tearsonurcheek/?action=view&current=Lawn.jpg -missourimule
  • Hey Mule, on behalf of all of us in Arkansas, I have to say Missouri isn't much better. Ever been to MacDonald county? :) -BarmanVarn
  • 99. Woody

    Ah, Woody, good old Woody... the third member of my little trio from RetailComputerStore. I haven't mentioned him much, since he tended to me the 'straight man' in our comedy trio. Not that he couldn't be funny, mind you, but with me and Lucky Bastard "Teflon" Steve pulling all sorts of LARTs and hijinx, someone had to balance out the crazy. And for better or worse, it was Woody. I use that nickname because he reminded me a bit of Tom Hanks' character in Toy Story-- loyal, hard-working, and just an all-around good guy.

    Take, for example, the day a seventh-grade boy came in to look at mp3 players. He seemed like a pretty good kid, having saved his own money to buy one, rather than just having it be handed to him. He and Woody had a detailed talk about what he needed, and exactly what he could get on his extremely limited budget.

    "Yeah, uh, so why are these iPods cheaper?"

    "Those are the iPod Nanos. They don't hold quite as much music, but they're smaller and cheaper. "

    Both of those qualities were appealing to the boy. He moved down to the 'former returns' section . "What's the difference with these iPods?"

    "Those are opened units we're reselling. They're marked down." Woody's smiling, because it's clear that the kid is stoked to be able to get one of these things. Then it happens... this 13ish boy picks up a pink iPod Nano. "Hey, look, this one's $30 off! I want this one."

    "Ummm... are you sure about that?"

    "Yeah,I can't wait to take this to school and show all my friends!"

    "I gotta tell you, I really don't think that's such a good idea."

    "You're taking this (waves iPod) to school?"

    The boy really, really didn't get it. I mean, if this weren't a middle schooler, it'd be different. But at that age, you know how much of your life rides on your image, and how easily one can get socially stigmatized. "Yeah, I'll be the coolest kid in school!"

    "You think maybe you might want to wait until we have another color on clearance? Or spend a few bucks more and get one of the new ones, in your choice of colors?"

    "Why?"

    "This is pink." Woody said, possibly checking to see if the kid was colorblind.

    "Yeah, so?" Allright, well, that shoots that theory.

    "Well, do you really want to go into a middle school carrying a pink iPod?"

    "Yeah, why not?" Holy crap, this kid really really didn't get it. Either that, or middle school has suddenly become a haven for people to be judged on their ideas and the content of their character. I ain't taking that bet.

    "I'd be glad to sell this to you, but I have to say, I remember what would have happened to me if I went to school with anything pink. I'd have been made fun of, a lot, and if I weren't such a big guy, I'd probably have gotten beat up."

    The kid's eyes glazed over, and finally he understood. "Ooooohhhhh yeahhhhhhh..."

    [By: linkv]
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  • I dunno, I think I would have just sold it to the kid. I mean, the lessons kids seem to learn best are also the toughest ones. I bet this kid would have underdstood that at the end of the day, people will judge you by the clothes you wear and the accessories you have, not how smart or nice you are... Yup, I remember my jr. high school days, if you weren't wearing Levi or Nike, you were a complete loser... <sarcasm>Fun lesson...</sarcasm> -unrenowned
  • karma credits to ya linkv. kid could be colorblind, seeming clueless about pink. -stiffarm
  • Carl: "Hey, Homer, we saved you a donut." Lenny: "Yeah, it's PINK!" -AmazingKreskin
  • I swear I'm not colorblind. -Kid
  • I like pink. Some of my favorite things are pink. -MSimmons777
  • I don't know - with the influx of emo, being a sissy boy with eyeliner, highlighted hair, and pink accessories is in. Why? Hell if I know. -veaudaux
  • If i had to wear anything pink, it would be a taco. I would wear it on my face. -putahtek
  • naw its just SHAPED like a taco (or 2) -cyberguru
  • It has to be said that your CW must be a really pleasant bloke to take that much effort in pointing out to the youngling the downsides of going for a bargain. Me, I wouldn't have bothered. I learnt the hard way, why shouldn't everyone else? (I might be a touch bitter for the number of times I got punched out because people thought I was an easier target than my brothers. How wrong can you be?) -Loon
  • Let me see if I got the beginning right ... Woody was your straight man? Paging Dr. Burrkiss ... -Calydor
  • 100. King Fish Returns!

    Remember King Fish? (Reminder: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=71183 ) Yes, the man who couldn't be right if he jump-started his brain with a protractor? Well, another time, a friend and I happened to be killing some time, and he was within earshot. Unfortunately, we couldn't get away, so we made small talk, about academics of all things.

    I was a pretty light conversation, I made the joke "There are 3 kinds of people in this world: those that are good at math, and those that aren't." Okay, maybe not the funniest joke, but I kinda liked it. And the group I was with wouldn't understand the binary version of the joke.

    King Fish didn't miss a beat. "What's the third kind?"

    "That's all there is. Those that are good at math, and those that aren't." I smiled for emphasis. Three kinds of people... those that are good at math, and those that aren't.

    "So then, I'd have to say that third group would be people that were just 'alright' at math." What kills me is that in the context of my original statement, there was no doubt that I was kidding and that I wasn't intending to have this analyzed. And no, he wasn't kidding me in return... King Fish did not have the capacity for that level of subtlety.

    No, you're missing the point. I said three kinds, and I mentioned two... indicating that I, myself, am not good at math.

    "Yeah, that must be it. That third group is just kinda average."

    My friend lost it. "NO! LISTEN! He's saying that there's really TWO! But he's not good at math, so he thinks the TWO equals THREE!"

    "....but he said two..."

    As of now, this conversation had lasted ten minutes and counting "Yes, and if someone tells you there's three kinds, and there's only two, then would you say that person is good at math?"

    "Well, some people are good, some aren't and some aren't, and some that are kinda okay."

    *CUE DAFFY!!!*

    [By: linkv]
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  • Cue a howitzer and stand back. -redevil34
  • Don't kill me, but I didn't get the joke until you explained it here. -Seamyst
  • <da> I think the guy didn't realize that it was a joke when you were explaining it to him. There are some jokes that I hit a mental block on, myself. </da> -ShiftedBeef
  • G'dammit. Gimme th' bat. -vacuumtubes
  • It is in the same class as dyslexia. There are some people who just do not have a sense of humour -Zoomer
  • I knew my brain was going to hurt after I clicked on the "reminfer" link. I was right. (walks off to get an ice-pack) -beerman
  • I remember vividly being embarressed the first time I had to have a joke explained to me (which was, the 'wears the soap' one for anyone interested) but I never compounded it by trying to claim that I was right and the joke teller was wrong. -CommanderData
  • Zoomer- "Dys-laugh-ia"? We may have discovered a medical cause for some of our humorless customers. -Voz
  • That is just amazingly familiar. See http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=41219 -SirJosh
  • There are 10 kinds of people.... those that understand binary and those that don't. *runs for LART shelter* -telcommgeek
  • 101. Cut it out!

    My headset beeps, and I find myself on the phone with Ms. Tina HighMaintenance. As soon as she opens her mouth, I'm pained by her tone that indicates she plainly despises having to call, and she's insulted to have to lower herself to talking to someone such as me. I picture her as an 23-year-old athletic blonde with big, globular mammary glands, because that is the ONLY way a being with an attitude problem such as this could survive in the world.

    I give the usual greeting, but am interrupted by her highness. "Thankyouforcalling CableISP, my name is..."

    "I need my password reset." Tina squeaks. As far as she's concerned, she's given me her command, and I'll scurry off like a good little imp to serve her whims.

    "I'd be glad to help you with that..." y'know, except you interrupted me when I was getting your account info, so I have no clue who the hell you are. Can't hold that against her, though, she's not used to talking to people whose lives aren't focused entirely on her. "...let me just get the name and address on the account, so I can process that change correctly."

    "*ssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhh* Okay, it's {BlahBlahBlah}." I can tell she greatly resented needing to give me the information required to perform my petty little duties.

    "Thank you! Let me just key that in..." I pull up the account information. Everything checks out... but there's only one name listed on the account, and it's a man's name. No other authorized users listed. There is, however, a security password on the account, so... no go. If Mr. Pussywhipped isn't in the house to OK this, I can't help Tina at all. Past experience has taught me that it's usually easier to start with the password before mentioning that I can't do anything without his authorization.

    "Allright, thank you for your patience, Ma'am. I do have the account here, and there is a security password on the account. Could you read off that password to me, ma'am?"

    I can't fully express her whine in mere words, I really wish I had it recorded. Best I can say is that it was a nauseating blend of "Ineffective parent trying to feign anger" and "Silly tease who can't believe you're serious". Truly one of the worst whines ever. In her words: "Ohhh, cut it ouuuutttt..." Followed by "I can't get my e-mail."

    "I understand your furstration, ma'am, that I do need to verify the security password before making any changes to sensitive account information."

    "Cut iiiiiittttt ooooooouuuuuttt..." She Fran Dreschers at me.

    "I should also point out that this account is actually in Mr. Pussywhipped's name, and the account is listed as only allowing him to make changes to the account. Is he available?"

    "Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttt ittttt ouuuutttttttttt!!!!!!!" I can tell she's going to need spend many hours at the Mall to undo the stress that this phone call is causing her. "I've been trying to get my e-mail all afternoon, and I need the password reset!!"

    "I understand that, Ma'am. However, as I said, because you are not on the account, I need to confirm that with..."

    "Cut it out... just change the password!" *Click!*

    Account notes: Unidentified caller asked to change password. Not authorized user. Hung up. No change to account.

    [By: linkv]
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  • I always wondered what happened to the sorority girls who thought answering the door topless would get them free pizza (and who would get huffy when I'd look briefly and say "Those are almost as nice as my wife's"). Now I know. -MeanDean
  • Spoiled bitches like her are an insult to women everywhere. -Seamyst
  • Dean, which area/restaurant was that? I was thinking about taking up a second job... :P -Antacid
  • What? I drove for Domino's for 3 years, delivering numerous times to <major university>. Why was I never greeted at the Sorority dorms by topless women? Huh? :O -missourimule
  • no offense m, but if you look like your namesake, that would be the reason why. (Does anyone know where the LART shelter's basement is? I think I need to hide) -lancasterjl
  • Full marks to you for professionalism under fire. I'd have snapped over to Full Auto Rudeness after the second "cut it ooouuuut!" -GreyDuck
  • 102. Ego Vs. Wallet

    BG: Several years after the HP/Compaq merger, I found myself selling the things. In the past, I'd had my experiences with Compaq's proprietary tendencies and general reputation for making crap, but at that specific point in time, I kinda liked them. That is, I thought they were much better-designed and more reliable than the eMachines and not as stupidly overpriced as the Sonys. Still, I often found myself reccomending HP/Compaq machines to people who had bought them during the "pure shit" years, and were rightly apprehensive about ever allowing a Compaq machine in the house.

    Anyway, we got our new shipment of HPs and Compaqs, and an interesting thing happened. We actually had an identical HP and Compaq in stock. Usually, the two lines were similar, but the processors would have a slightly different clock speed, or the HPs would use fewer RAM slots, or the HDDs would differ by an insignificant amount. But in this case, going down the spec sheet, we actually had an HP and a Compaq machine that were the EXACT same computer. And at the same price, too.

    So, a customer walks in and we talk about what kind of computer she needs. Turns out, she doesn't need a lot. She's already done a bit of research, and I show her the system that I think best matches her needs. I start off with the HP simply because it's closer. I take the time to tell her why I'm suggesting this one-- it's got a lot of horsepower for the tasks she has in mind: she could spend less, but she'd be cheating herself, and she could spend more, but the money would just go to waste. We agree on this and she decides to buy it.

    Well, wouldn't you know it, after all that work, that model is out of stock. So, before I open up my mouth, I check on the Compaq. Yep, it's in.

    "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but it looks like we sold the last of that model this morning. But, I can still help you out. We also have a model in that's the exact same computer-same numbers, same parts, same price. The only difference is, it's a Compaq model. But, like I said earlier, Compaqs are HPs, so it's the exact same thing. "

    "OOOohhhhhh NO!! I won't go for that at all! I had a Compaq before, and I'll never get another one! Biggest pile of junk ever!"

    "When did you get it? More than five years ago?"

    "YEAH!"

    "All right, I'm with you on this. Yes, that was before they merged with HP. Compaqs were really rough to work with then, and spare parts were insanely expensive. But, it's a different story now. The two computers we talked about today are the EXACT SAME, despite the fact that the name on the box is different. They use the same parts, the come out of the same factory. You call up Compaq's Tech Support, and guess what? HP is gonna answer. If they weren't the same price, I'd have just told you to buy whatever one is cheaper."

    "I don't care! I'll never, ever have another Compaq!"

    "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you felt so strongly about that. If that's the case, I'd have to ask you to decide against the HP, because like I said, it's the same as the Compaq."

    "Oh, no. I trust the HP name."

    "Well, if you really want the system, I can order it for you. We get shipments twice a week, and you'll get it for the same price."

    "Oh no, I need something TODAY! I can't believe you can't get me this system!"

    "Ma'am, I can. Like I said, I have the same thing in a Compaq case. I'm not trying to mislead you. I'm not saying they're 'really similar' or something like that. I'm saying if you pop open the cases, they literally are the same computer inside. If the HP is what you want, take this. Literally, the only difference is the color of paint."

    "No! I won't have a Compaq! Here, what about THIS HP?" She says, pointing at the next one in the line.

    "Well, that's similar to the one we talked about, the only difference is that it this one has a processor made by Intel, which is just as good, but it costs $100 more. I can't possibly tell you that the difference between these two chips amounts to $100."

    "I don't care. If you've got it, I'll take it. I want an HP."

    *Last attempt at reason* "Ma'am... We looked at this system, and we both agreed it fit your needs and was a good price. I can get you that system, today, at no extra charge. What you're asking me to do is charge you $100 MORE just so you can say you got an HP instead of a Compaq."

    "I'm okay with that."

    "........cash or charge?"

    [By: linkv]
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  • Some people are loyal to a name and not to a specification, and they will never listen. -compbrat
  • <da> You forget, you were a salesdroid. You know the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman? The used car salesman KNOWS when he's lying. </da> Doesn't matter, the customer was paying for warm fuzzies buying a big brand name anyway. -ralphp1024
  • Amazing. Though not unbelieveable; we all know people who voted Republican no matter how bad the candidate simply out of brand name. -Mushroom
  • HP is a really good brand, but Compaq being the same company, only they sell business PCs, so low end HP are essentially the same computers. Same great service, same warranty, same price, same parts. you'd have to be a moron to spend en extra 100 for the name on the box. -PeterGibons
  • 103. Burn, Motherfucker, Burn (Follow-up)

    Dear Previously Unknown Regional Invertebrate:

    I received your letter dated November 12, 2007 and read with great interest. It was certainly good news to hear that I could again have a position at RetailComputerStore. As you might recall, I had worked for the company for over three years. My sales record was above average, my rapport with customers earned me great praise, and my fellow associates could attest to my being a dependable employee. I appreciate your job offer based upon the fact that I “have the skills, talent, and experience required for this level of service”. I might point out that my skills, talent, and experience were just as strong back in March, and that did nothing to protect my job. RetailComputerStore clearly evaluates their employees based upon things other than skills, talent, and experience.

    As I recall, I was told that I was being excused from the company because RetailComputerStore could no longer afford to pay me. As you are again offering me employment, that problem has clearly been solved. Recent news from the company indicates that 65 new superstores have been opened across the country. As I know from personal experience that it requires a sum in excess of 10 million dollars to open a new location, the conclusion I draw is that RetailComputerStore is currently in possession of over 650 million dollars’ worth of equity. Based upon that, here are the terms of my new employment:

    1) My salary is to be $35/hour. (Note: This is 3x what I made before, and obscenely higher than their "maximum salary cap".)

    2) My schedule is to be as follows: I will work on Saturdays only, in a shift that is not to exceed eight hours, including a 60-minute lunch. I am not available to work Sunday through Friday for any reason, including meetings, training sessions, in-services, or company-sponsored gatherings. (Note: This is a pure insult. Sunday is the biggest, busiest day for RCS because that's the day everyone gets their new ads in the Sunday Paper. Refusing to work that day is akin to not working Black Friday, which I've also conveniently accomplished.)

    3) I am to be exempt from any corporate-decreed wastes of my time. This includes, but is not limited to: PCP, morning meetings, and visits from upper management. I alone will evaluate what does and does not apply. (Note: Yes, I want it official that I wouldn't be required to give a damn.)

    Please note that none of the above terms is in any way negotiable, and I will be requiring written acceptance of them before my employment can be renewed. If you can find a manager of any RetailComputerStore superstore able to meet these terms, please have them give me a call. (Note: Their letter ended by telling me to take my invitation to any manager. I'm turning it back on them, and challenging them to find someone willing to come to me.)

    Sincerely,

    linkv

    Cc: Mr. CEO

    [By: linkv]
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  • ::anxiously awaiting response letter from store:: -Grayhawk
  • I think the saddest thing is they'll read the first two sentences of this work of art and then shift it to the round file. At least, posting it here, you know it'll get the recognition and admiration of the people smart enough to appreciate it. If by some strange alignment of the planets, they DO read the whole thing and send a response though, you HAVE to post it. -veaudaux
  • Ooooh, I hope they respond! I would love to see what they said! -Seamyst
  • I don't know, there might be someone there who would appreciate it - they might not do anything about it, like respond, but they might keep it in their "humor" file.... -Divinar
  • I MUST know how this one turns out. That was a great bitch-slap, linkv. -Seamus
  • (cue beat poet-style snapping of fingers) Cool... -PTSTech
  • masterly, mate, well done!!! -timelady
  • I see you used to work for Circuit City... -unrenowned
  • I see this going one of two ways: they'll never reply at all, or they'll offer you a manager job. -TechnoVampire
  • I made nearly $35/hr at my last TS job - tell them it's "industry standard" :) -Geminii
  • 104. Burn, Motherfucker, Burn...

    It’s no secret that a lot of us have been dicked over by the companies we work/worked for. It’s no secret that we’ve all been on the pain-receiving end of corporate bureaucracy. And, it’s no secret that a lot of us have seen our employers doing some very unethical things, firsthand. Maybe some of us are feeling like we never get any satisfaction.

    If that’s how you feel, this story is for you.

    For those of you who don’t know, I started working for RetailComputerStore (aka “Transistor Metropolis”) in November of 2003. I loved the company. Review my posting history, and you’ll find many glowing comments about my opinion of my former employer. I liked the approach the company had to many things. True, I disagreed on some of the minor details, but by and large, it was a company I was proud to work for, and with whom I wanted to build a career. All that changed around January of 2006. Sometime between then and the following April, the company had a radical, but uncommented, shift in management. Policies changed, but often on an unwritten basis. New programs and campaigns started which resulted in lost morale, productivity, and profits, and no one was supposed to take note of it. Without going into all the gory details, the company began to suck, and suck hard. At the time, I had no choice but to stick it out (a new job, at that time, wasn’t the best idea). I’d always gone in to work, done more than my fair share, and my hard work had earned me *many* raises.

    But it kept going from bad to worse. I started noticing the company blaming associates for its own bad leadership. I started to notice a trend to work people into the ground rather than provide adequate staffing. I started to notice artificial restrictions being placed on hiring, to prevent the store from being adequately staffed. It got to where you couldn’t go home if you were sick, where you couldn’t get a day off even if you requested it *two months* in advance, and no matter how you did your job, you were told it wasn’t right. At that point, I had been looking for a new job for a while, but it didn’t (couldn’t) come fast enough. As one of the few people who could be counted on to show up, I came in every day, did my best, and got squat in return for it.

    Then, one day last spring, I show up for work, and all my efforts, dedication, and honesty get rewarded with a pink slip. I’m told I’m being let go from the company—not because they don’t like my performance, but because they no longer to pay me. Yup, regardless of my tenure with the company and my countless good reviews, I'm told to go because I make too much money. I think this is hilarious considering THEY were the ones who gave ME the raises. And, after all, aren't raises supposed to indicate you're a MORE valuable employee? Anyway, I wasn't the only one-- 3,500 people were laid off that day, it made national news. Most of you will already be familiar with that part of the story.

    Well, as you can imagine, I wasn't at all happy to be punished for being a hard worker. I came home, ranted on TSC, and after a few weeks, found me another job. I'm now working as a programmer, for better money and better hours. All is right with the world, as far as I'm concerned. But what about my company?

    So, I come home today, check my mail, and there's a letter in there from RCS. They're practically begging me to come back. I've read numerous recruiting letters from RCS, and none of them were dripping with as much honey as this one. Something's up... either they finally realized that their stunt backfired, and they want to hire people back to save face, or they just realized that Christmas is a month away and they've royally screwed themselves in terms of staffing. Maybe both. Here's some highlights:

    "This letter is a special invitation to rejoin the Transistor Metropolis team. We're a new Transistor Metropolis, (yeah, right, but that's not a good thing) with a lot to offer our customers... and you. If you're interested- and I hope you are- we have a position waiting for you at any Transistor Metropolis." Really? The "any store" bit is odd. I wonder if the managers have orders to give these applications priority. But anyway, if you're hoping I'm interested, why fire me in the first place? Here's a hint: when I'm kicked out of someplace, I don't go back!

    "You have the skills, talent, and experience required for this level of service..." Really? 'Cuz I also had the skills, talent, and experience required back in March, when I was fired. That hasn't changed. So, I think we can establish that the company doesn't really place too much emphasis on skills, talent, or experience.

    "... and we want you back." *Grin* Oh yes, there it is. Crawl on your hands and knees.

    "Join us just in time for the holidays - the most exciting time of the year." Yeah, right. Working retail, it's the most stressful and aggrivating, and they must be hurting or they wouldn't be sending me a letter like this the week before Black Friday. No thanks, this year, I'm going to enjoy the holidays for a change. I'm going to pet my cats. I'm going to tell my family I love them very much. I'm going to take my friends out. I'm going to church. I'm NOT going to be a slave for some ungrateful zombie of capitalism.

    "We will quickly complete the process and establish you as a regular- that is, not seasonal- associate." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnddddd.... there it is. There's the proof that they're really desperate. NO ONE gets hired as a full associate during the holidays, unless there's some matter of urgency involved. In any case, I doubt their "competitive rates" will match my new freelance fee of $30/hour.

    Something ain't right at RCS if they're so desperate to get me back. They fscked up big, and they know it. And I'm posting this here because I know it isn't often that someone who is dicked over actually gets a letter from the company acknowledging that they dicked you over. For all my TSC buddies who will never get their vindication, please feel free to share mine.

    [By: linkv]
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  • You've earned your black belt in the ancient art of Yuck Fou. -vacuumtubes
  • What's really interesting, locally, is the new slew of adverts detailing how many new stores they're opening. I smell desperation... I suspect WorstPurchase is eating their lunch, among other things. -GreyDuck
  • My response would be a simple formatted letter, stating: <Head>In response to your inquiry</Head> <Body>"You are cordially invited to traverse, and autocopulate."<Body> -Seamus
  • Payback time! Send them your resume. Include all your trajectory trough the company, detailed how you were "downsized" and state your current income level (a little uprated, of course). See if they respond. If they offer you a deal, give them hope... and then, at the last moment, tell then "Not interested f*ck you very much". (Unless they offer you a VERY good deal!) -TheGhost
  • Oooo, I like TheGhost's idea! -Tekkie
  • go way beyond that--send them a serious letter advising them that you'll come back for 'appropriate' compensation for past mistreatment. make 'em put up or shut up, what have you got to lose? -stiffarm
  • I totally agree with ghost ideas, just string them along then drop them. Huge thud noise when you call to tell them to fuck off. They haave some nerve after what they did to you. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Wait, this has merit... Add to that a letter of your own that states that $MoronCompany agrees to your terms AND, on penalty of 6 month's lost wages, to NOT terminate your employment NOR lower your gross earnings for 18 months. If they want you THAT badly, let them work for it. -ShujinTribble
  • And the key to the ceo's bathroom -Spyder19
  • And if they're really desperate, maybe they can pay you retroactively for what you would have made until now if they hadn't let you go? (dreaming, I know, but if they were willing to do that, I definitely go for it) -SillyGirl
  • ... and their children as your personal slaves... -Dr Jerkyl
  • Congrats on that one! It's a satisfying feeling isn't it? I've had a former boss rush out of his office to ask me what it would take for me to come back to work for him after letting me go. My answer? More than you can offer pal. -Loon
  • Pretend to take the offer. Setup your schedule and on your first day call in sick 10 minutes before you are supposed to start. Do the same the next day and so on. -momo
  • Aah, yes, the Transistor Metropolis blunder. That one featured on the top 5 list of recent stupid things businesses have done in my Managerial Economics class this semester. -Antacid
  • Sounds like the corporate @$$hat philosophy of "The System Doesn't Fail, People Do. And People MUST Be Punished For Failures, Imagined or Otherwise!" -Wraith556
  • 105. Golden Standard

    I wasn't really sure when to post this one. It's a good starfishism, but one that everyone who has ever sold computers has dealt with. This isn't any specific incident, just a general routine that you'd have to go through once a month, regardless of how you tried to avoid it.

    "Hi, how are you doing today?"

    "I need a computer. Just a computer."

    "All righty. What kind of...?"

    "I like this one. How much is it for just the system?"

    "$599."

    "No no. For just the system."

    "$599."

    "I just want the computer, nothing extra."

    "Right. It's $599."

    "Oh. Well, okay." The customer pays, I hand him a box.

    "Hey... where's the screen?"

    [By: linkv]
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  • *wince* Yeah. -Seamus
  • and thats when you tunr the the customer, take a deep breath and go "AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGH, Thats'll be extra sir" -r3tude
  • "Just the system"?!ż!$399.00 http://www.microsoft.com/windows/products/windowsvista/editions/ultimate/default.mspx?wt_svl=20109a&mg_id=20109b -ThinTheHerd
  • That's when you make 'em define what they mean by "system." And on the Vista link... anyone else think that the Windows DreamScene feature eats up a ton of memory? -Seamyst
  • '"Just the system" does not include the screen. And before you start arguing, sir, yes that IS the industry standard and has been for thirty years.' Although to really nip these arguments in the bud, the inclusions should probably be slipped into the conversation somewhere before the cash is handed over. "Just the system, sir? No screen, no keyboard, no Windows, just the box? $599." -Geminii
  • 106. One fish, Two fish, MP3fish..

    A few years back, around 2003 or so, the mp3 player market was just starting to pick up steam. There were a lot of players on the market—some were good, many were not. Like today, the iPod was considered the “premium” unit, but unlike today, it hadn’t yet achieved the same degree of pop culture status it enjoys today.

    It was in this environment that I found myself selling mp3 players at the local RetailComputerStore. That was the day Bwian came in. Bwian was a tall, skinny guy, fairly young but definitely a few atoms short of a molecule. We talked for a minute about how mp3s worked, how you got them, how you put them on the unit, and the difference between flash memory and hard drives. His main concern, of course, was how small and shiny these things were.

    ”Wow, looka dat! Dis is the stuff, man, dis is the stuff! It’s smaaaaaaaaaallllll!!!”

    ”Yes, indeed.”

    ”Wow, dis one’s smaller den dat one! And dat one’s smaller den dat! And dat one’s even smaller. What’s the smallest one you got?”

    I pull down a keychain-sized flash player. I think it was a 128MB unit.”Probably this one.”

    ”WOW!!! Look at DAT!!!”

    ”Uh huh,”

    ”But dat one is ROUND!”

    ”Um… yeah, I guess it is.”

    ”I don’t want nothin’ ROUND! It’ll remind me of a CD player!”

    Despite a passing similarity, the player is the size of a Reese’s cup and could never hold a CD. ”Ummmmmm…. Okay, then. Try this one.”

    ”Nuh-uh. Dat one’s a RECTANGLE! Dat’ll remind me of a TAPE PLAYAH!”

    ”…I see.”

    ”Next you’ll be showin’ me one dat’s a TRI-ANGLE!”

    I couldn’t resist. ”Well, actually…” And I pulled out one that, yes, was triangular in shape.

    ”Oh.. man!!!! How many songs does DAT one hold?”

    ”About 200.”

    Bwian points at the rectangle, the circle, and the triangle respectively.”Huh, I tell you what… dis is 80s, dis is da 90s, dis is DA FUTURE! ”

    ”Ummm… yep.”

    ”So, how many songs does da iPod hold?”

    ”Several thousand.”

    ”Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Yo, how much does DAT cost?”

    ”$299.”

    At this point, he turns away from me and starts talking directly to the product .”Sorry, iPod, not today. Maybe when I’m rich!” He was already looking at players that were in the triple-digit range… I couldn’t understand how, if he wanted an iPod, he couldn’t afford one.

    ”Well, if you’re going with the triangle one, I’d be glad to get you one. Let me grab my keys and I’ll ring you up.” I wander off to get the keys. As I’m walking back, I see Bwian standing at the store register, ready to go. As I’m walking up, the phone starts ringing. Seeing as I’m still halfway across the store, and there’s no one else around… he picks it up. Yep, just walks into a business and presumes to start answering the phone.

    ”Hello! Hi! Who you lookin’ fo’? Whaz he look like? He ain’t here or sumthin’ You got a question? I dunno, I don’t work here…”

    [By: linkv]
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  • I have an MP3 player watch. I kid you not. It's several years old though, and only has 32MB storage, so you know, 8-10 songs MAX at 128kbps. -veaudaux
  • You could hand him a Digisette and really fuck his mind up. -vacuumtubes
  • Oh, just to be clear, I was not in any way implying that 128MB could hold 200 songs. Thanks for reminding me. -linkv
  • VT, I think his mind was already fcuked up. -MarloVino
  • *wiping away tears* Oh Linkv, that one is priceless!!! *starts laughing again* thanks for posting it! -taieena
  • *shaking head* Gotta love helpful customers. And that whole judging by shape cracks me up -- hey, marketing department, you listening? People want triangles, regardless of storage! (I can only think of a couple models like that.) -Mushroom
  • I'm using a car MP3 player that plugs into the lighter socket (I don't smoke, so no great loss) and broadcasts to the car radio. 128mb memory sticks are fine. I rarely drive for more than a few hours at a time and I can put different play mixes on each. And, 128mb memory sticks are so laughably cheap! -Wraith556
  • 107. Working on Wags' PC

    I came home from work, shut the door, and made a beeline for my girlfriend's computer. Without saying a word, I unhooked it, pulled out a screwdriver, and popped off the case while Wags watched.

    "And just *WHAT* do you think you're doing?"

    "Im in ur computer, upgradn ur RAMz"

    [By: linkv]
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  • "God.... DAMNIT! THAT MAKES TWO!</Air Boss - 'TopGun'> -ShujinTribble
  • 108. Critical Thinking at its finest

    Problem: CableISP was growing unsatisfied with our number of calls escalated to a supervisor.

    Solution: Push the employees to maintain a no-escalation streak, and hold the department accountable who ends up taking the call that breaks the streak. Because, you know, getting an unreasonable caller is something you have SO MUCH control over.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Not to mention, that'll make customers (reasonable or unreasonable) who are trying to get a supervisor, pissed. -Seamyst
  • Because heaven forbid that any problems ever get solved... -Grayhawk
  • and call centers wonder why A) people dislike tech support, and B)call centers are rotating doors as far as employees are concerned. -EtherRabbit
  • NZ's major ISP has something like 400% turnover in it's callcenters currently. And people wonder why the support they provide sucks so hard... -Mahal
  • 109. Unsupported? Pshaw!

    It was a fairly slow day doing extremely monotonous troubleshooting of cable modems, routers people claimed to not own, and e-mail problems. Then, she called. Damnedest thing I’d seen in a while. Had trouble with certain programs. Did my various troubleshooting, and near as I could tell, it was a firewall issue. This I told her, I asked what firewall she had, and she told me she didn’t know. It was a company computer, and they’d set it up.

    “Ah, I see. Well, since your firewall is what’s causing the problem, you’re going to need to see why. I would suggest, temporarily, disable the firewall and see if the issue continues without it. If not, check to make sure the firewall is installed correctly.”

    “Okay, how do I do that?”

    “I’m afraid we can’t help you there. Your firewall is not a CableISP product, and thus we aren’t able to provide support for it.”

    “Oh, my company was sure you could.”

    “That would be incorrect, ma’am. There is no way we can provide support for any product not issued by the company. You’ll need to contact your IT department and see what firewall you have, and how to disable it.”

    “They’re not in. You can do it, though.”

    “I’m sorry, ma’am, we have no documentation on your firewall.”

    “No, no, see… when I first had my computer set up, I had my IT guy call in and list on my account exactly how to disable the firewall. I’m not allowed to know myself, but they wanted me to be able to get someone to troubleshoot it at all hours. I’m supposed to tell you it’s ‘the Account Note from April 10, 2005, fourth one from the top’. “

    I check the account notes. Son of a bitch, she’s right. In there, is a detailed description of how to disable her firewall. I scan down the list several months out, and she has a few calls since where she requested this information… the same information she “wasn’t allowed” to have. Lacking any better option, I read off the contents of the note, let her know I was already out of my support boundaries, and wished her a good evening.

    Afterward, I just stared at the notes. #1) Why the HELL would any company forbid their employees from being able to disable their firewalls, yet provide the information on how to do so through a toll-free number they could call anytime? #2) Why the CRAP would they expect us to do their dirty work for them? #3) In what way was it at all better to have us walk her through this over the phone, when they’re clearly using some proprietary (or at least, heavily modded) software that we have no clue about? #4) Why would any customer, realizing that someone was reading off fairly important information that they wouldn't be able to get agian easily, not WRITE IT DOWN, allowed or not? How did this company's brainiac policy account for that? #5) How the living FUCK did they manage to convince another agent to agree to this, when this not only took us WAY WAY out of our support boundaries, but apparently obligated us for as long as she holds her account. And last but not least, #6), how do I find the agent who agreed to this, and fling them face-first into a wood chipper?

    [By: linkv]
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  • Could I suggest, since it's related to #4, 4a) Why, if a customer asked for it several times, couldn't figure to write it down after the first few times? -MisterCommon
  • "not allowed" = Her IT dept. knows she would never remember where she wrote it down. -thx1138
  • #6: don't your case notes tell who was the agent that wrote the notes? -NordicPT
  • Sounds like an in-house lart is due, linkv. What $CableISP employee decided helping wrangle such a goat rodeo was a good idea? -MeanDean
  • <da>Their company forbids them from disabling their own security software, *unless* a tech walks them through it. </da> Now, how that "tech" came to be you is a completely different matter. -RiffRaff
  • I resent the description of the asinine corporate policy as "brainiac". Wonder why? Write me on my whiteboard and the answer will become apparent. -SalParadise
  • Slight side note here: $Aerospace_Company that I work for has an interesting arrangement with $Cable_ISP. They maintain the network connectivity for employees working from home, within certain limits. If it is a connectivity issue, it's $Cable_ISP's problem. If it's a hardware issue, it's $Aerospace_company's problem. Hardware includes router, computer, monitor and installed software. It makes life so much easier in the long run. It also guarantees support, as $Cable_ISP is being paid by $Aerospace_Company and not the end user. -VoiceOfSanity
  • Time for a swift edit of that note... "If fishie asks for this unsupported crap again, terminate her account immediately!" -flapjackboy
  • What happens is after you walk her through the procedure, she has to call her employer, who sends the Men In Black out, and they neuralize her so she can't remember this obviously high-security process. -Robster2001
  • I'm amazed that there are no liability issues here. -Stryker One
  • You billed $Customer's Company for the tech support work they outsourced to you, didn't you? -concept14
  • Question: In your notes is it not standard procedure to sign them with your Agent ID? -Warrick
  • 110. Live by the sword... Pt 2

    So, I explain the situation to him, and of course his first reaction is “Well, can’t you just do it?

    “Bossman says we’re not to touch computers, so I’m not touching it. Take it up with him. Even if I did look at it, and I could probably get it done, there’s no way I could do it in 20 minutes. I leave at 8.” Maybe on my own setup I could find the drivers for a new device, and have them installed and tested in 20 minutes, but not on a Starfish PC with them asking idiotic questions over my shoulder.

    Store Manager looks at me with the unasked question “Well, couldn’t you just… stay late?” Nuh-uh. This company has boned me once too often for being a “team player”… and I’m sure as hell not staying for a customer that’s being an ass over something he didn’t even pay for. Check the time. It’s 7:45. No need to let this blowhard get to me, Family Guy will be on shortly… just got to get home to Tivo.

    So, Store Manager and I walk up, and he introduces himself. Customer (with twelve minutes left until the store closes) announces that he NEEDS to have this fixed tonight, doesn’t want to pay, and wants to know WHY we don’t have anyone that can help him. Store manager, not being strong on computers in general, much less ones running the then-new Vista, starts playing with the keyboard, trying to make the guy happy. At this point, I contemplate reminding Store Manager that customer hasn’t paid for what we’re doing for him. By working on the computer himself, without being a tech, without a work order, and without checking it into the system, Store manager is breaking nearly every company policy we have, just to “make the guy happy”. And you know what? If I did the exact same thing, I’d have my ass handed to me in the morning. So let him, I refuse to accept his problem as my own.

    Without saying anything, I walk around the corner, throw on my coat, and walk out the front door. I was probably four blocks away before anyone noticed I was gone. I found out later that it took 45 minutes to get this guy squared away, and he never did end up paying for the extra work. By the time that 45 minutes was up, I was at home, watching TV, and not giving a rat’s ass.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Soooo.... did the in-store security cams show the sorry sod doin' the work he wasn't supposed to do for no money? -ShujinTribble
  • Good for you linkv. My first salary job was no overtime pay. Company docked me because I had to leave early. Even though I was putting in 10 to 15 hours of Unpaid overtime. When I complained they told me I was paid to be there 8 to 5 and tough on me. If I’m not there, I’m not paid. So I only entered the door at 8 and hit it going out at 5. When they complained to me about it, I told them they paid me to be there from 8 to 5. Tough on them. -Year9595
  • Ahh! I love the smell of a stupid company's policy being LARTed in the evening! It smells like... er... *sniff*... cucumbers?! 0_0 -TheGhost
  • I agree with Zager and Evans - uh - Year 9595. Once, when I was on salary, my boss tried to chew me a new one for only (ONLY) putting in 8 hours a day at work when "the rest of the IT department works 70-80 hour weeks." Hey, was it my fault I found a way to get my 8 hours of work done in 8 hours? (Actually, I guess it was!) Of course, I had to run 7 sessions on one computer, 4 on another 2 on a third, and monitor a fourth -- all at the same time. I looked like a trained monkey. (Heck, another manager saw me and commented that it looked like I was playing bridge against myself. Of course, I had to admit that I had just trumped myself...) -Captain Trips
  • 111. Live by the sword... Pt 1

    After the six hundredth customer complaint about a computer getting messed up, a new rule was passed by my esteemed bossman: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL A COMPUTER BE TOUCHED BY ANYONE EXCEPT A TECH. Sales associates could fill out the paperwork and give the customer a receipt, that was it. This rule could have made sense if we had adequate techs on hand to handle every computer, but that wasn’t the case. Bossman was a fairly shortsighted individual.

    But in any case, the edict was given. I was weary of my job, and had long ago stopped trying to talk sense into Bossman, our store manager, or any of my company’s idiot policies. By this point, my resume was in full circulation, and I was ready to bolt as soon as someone could offer me a decent paycheck. I heard the rule, knew it would suck for the techs, but accepted it. I’d adopted two rules of my own: #1 was “I WILL NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR STUPID POLICIES “. I’d gotten to the point where I was happy to drop my problems right back on management. #2 was “I WILL LEAVE WHEN I AM SCHEDULED TO LEAVE” If management was serious about me showing up on time, I was going to be serious about leaving on time, and I wouldn’t “work extra” because I thought I was needed. Since management was so smart, they could either schedule me when I was needed or do without.

    So… it was 7 PM on a Sunday night. The tech had left for the day and it was just me and the PFY. So far, it was just typical tidying up, fielding questions from late-evening window shoppers, and basically just trying to get the hell out of there. I was scheduled to leave at 8, and leave the PFY to do the final checks. That’s what the schedule said, and I had no interest in doing otherwise.

    Anyway, at about 8:20, a surly guy comes in, plunks down his just-purchased laptop, and proclaims it doesn’t work. He shows me his receipt—a basic laptop, antivirus (which we set up) and a case. He also plunks down a Cingular wireless card, which he couldn’t get to work. This was shortly after the release of Vista, and Cingular had not yet been including the Vista drivers in with their wireless cards. Earlier in the day, the customer had purchased the computer, left to get the Cingular card, and returned to pick up the laptop once we’d installed the A/V and windows updates. We had only set it up to that point, and yes we did charge for it. As the customer was going to set up their Cingular card on their own, we didn’t note that on the work order, nor did we charge for it.

    When I was working for RetailComputerStore, I had strong objections to the specific dollar values that we charged for certain services—BUT, I did wholly support the principle of charging for them and not giving out free work. Everyone on TSC will certainly understand this, and the rest of the story will illustrate why:

    “Yeah, I can’t get this thing to work.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that. (looking over the peripherals) Yes, it would appear that you’ll need updated software for your wireless card. It should be a free download from the manufacturer.”

    “Yeah, well, I paid some serious bucks for this thing, and then I paid you guys to set it up! If it don’t work, you’d better make it!”

    “Well, actually, our techs did what you paid them to do: they set up your system and installed the proper updates. The system was 100% working and ready to go when we gave it to you. The Cingular card is a separate issue: it’s not our product, and we didn’t install that—“

    “NO! I didn’t even HAVE IT at the time! I had ta go run and get it!”

    “—right. So we have no control over that. We didn’t install it, nor did we charge you for installing. Just the antivirus and windows updates. Now, we certainly could install it, that’s not a problem.”

    “Well… allright then.”

    “Super. Let me draw up a work order, and get your computer checked in.”

    “HEY! I’m not going to pay you AGAIN! I already paid!”

    “Sir, you paid to have your computer set up, which it was. You never paid to have your card installed. As you just said, you didn’t even have it when you bought the laptop. Now, what I CAN do, is give you a reduced rate, since we already did do work on the computer. That’s not a problem. The thing is, our techs have gone home for the day. I just need to draw up a work order for when our tech gets in tomorrow morning…” Note that even though the install on the card is fairly simple, I don’t want to volunteer it, because doing work that doesn’t wind up on the receipt makes things difficult for everyone. That, and dick customers don’t get freebies from me.

    “Tomorrow MORNING!?!? No no no! I gotta have this done NOW! I’m leaving town tonight!”

    “Ah, I see. Well, then I’d suggest trying to download the software yourself. See, we close in an hour, and all our techs have gone home for the day. Honestly, it’s not that big of a deal. I’m sorry, but I don’t have anyone here who can look at your computer before tomorrow.”

    “Well, then you’d better give me your company’s chew ass number!!!” I repress a grin as my hand twitches, wanting desperately to write down 1-800-CHEW-ASS, and letting him talk to some nice people ready to toss his salad for $4.39/minute. “No no, even better… you get me YOUR MANAGER!!!”

    “Well sir, my manager is not a tech. He’s not going to be able to do anything for you. We don’t have any techs in right now, and there’s not much any of us can do to change that so late in the day.”

    “You get me your manager RIGHT NOW!!”

    “Certainly!” I say, with a faux enthusiasm which should legally be reserved only for Tim Curry. Bossman, the manager who mandates that no non-tech shall touch computers, regardless of their qualifications, was gone for the night. I went right to our store manager. Now, our store manager wasn’t a bad guy, but he had absolutely no balls. Anytime some customer or upper management clown decided to make our lives hell, he rolled over and let them. Oh, by the way, it’s now 7:40. I have every intention of walking out the front door in 19 minutes, assclown or no assclown.

    [By: linkv]
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  • hmm... curry... that may go well with gyros. ... as long as it hasn't come out of Linkv's cucumber... 0_0 -TheGhost
  • Did you mean Surly Guy came in at 7:20, not 8:20? -concept14
  • 112. Live by the sword... Prologue

    It’s amazing how getting a better job can make you appreciate how bad things were at your last one before you left. Since I’ve become a full-time programmer, many formerly repressed memories are surfacing. I love posting these stories, hoping my fellow techies can laugh at my misfortune. In any case, it’s a lot cheaper than therapy. For this evening’s session, er, I mean, story, I’ve prepared a scrumptious late-summer treat—gyros for all! In just a moment, I’ll be pulling some seasoned beef and chicken off the grill and shredding it. We’ve got warmed pitas and my own cucumber-mint sauce. The vegetarians in the group are not out of luck! I’ve grilled a heavily-marinated zucchini which would make a nice gyro. And if you’re not into the whole greek thing, feel free to doctor up you sandwich with my fine selection of spreads in the fridge. Kool-Aid is on the counter to wash your tastebuds! On with the story!

    Not so long ago, I had the misfortune to be selling computers for RetailCompuerStore (the one that ran ThunderCat tech services). Although we were in one of the biggest stores in the state, and one that had some of the highest foot traffic, the company was constantly understaffing us. A typical day would staff a salesdrone (typically me, though I did my best to not be a drone) and a tech. The tech would often not even be scheduled for a full day! For some days, we’d get an extra sales associate or tech. Those were the “good days”. The possibility of getting two associates and two techs on the same day was so remote, it was almost impossible. Perhaps it would have resulted in the universe imploding on itself, who knows?

    Anyway, like any other company, we had both good and bad employees. They filled both the Tech and Associate positions. The techs and I were on pretty good terms, and since I had a pretty strong background, I’d often be asked to pitch-hit for ThunderCat if things got backed up... which was frequent, as they were just as understaffed. It wasn’t a case of being pushed to do something that wasn’t my job— it was an off-the-record agreement I’d made with the techs just to keep them from getting buried. I didn’t mind helping out, but this was NOT a happy arrangement. Everyone involved was sick of getting swamped with work, overloaded with customers, and being told that dusting off displays was a higher priority than finishing computer jobs that were already paid for and due four days ago.

    Well, we had so many computers to work on, and so few tech hours in which to work on them that… well, to be honest, mistakes were made. Notes were not properly kept, because some techs were not so keen on leaving them. Other times, some PFY salesdrones were making promises that couldn’t be kept, and either not filling out work orders correctly, or doing “extra work” off-the-record to make the sale. None of this was acceptable, but let’s just say that everything was a symptom of us being asked to over-perform while being given no labor to work with.

    [By: linkv]
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  • So... Did they use the Sword of Omens to diagnose the systems then? -flapjackboy
  • Your own sauce? Pass, thanks. :p -missourimule
  • Gyros and Tsikis. Any Ouzo to wash it down? And of course, Olives and pickled peppers! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • *steps in, grabs a couple of beef gyros, passes on "the sauce of Linkv's own cucumber" (0_0) and heads to the next story.* -TheGhost
  • Passes on the Kool aid. Grabs a rum and coke. Love gyros though, I really miss getting those. -udaduno
  • 113. I want the more gigabytes

    While this doesn't rank quite as highly as "I won't buy a Pentium... because the INK is too expensive" story from a few months back, I've had a few customers who had overloaded themselves on information they couldn't hope to process by themselves. Cheif among these are the customers who wanted "the more gigabytes". Apparently, that was a feature in and of itself. They'd come in asking specifically for "a computer with the more gigabytes". The first time or two it happened, I thought I was just dealing with one person who had a hard time with the terminology... but after repeated incidents, I sadly realized that some people really did think that they had to go out of their way for a computer with "the more gigabytes."

    A typical conversation would go like this:

    "So... why is this computer more than that one?"

    "Well, mostly it's because this computer has double the memory of the other. With extra memory, your computer is more efficient and can run programs more quickly."

    *looking at the tag* "It says that this computer has 120GB of hard drive, and the other only has 100GB."

    "Well, that's true as well, but I really don't think that alone justifies such an increase in price."

    "Why not? I want the more gigabytes. Doesn't that make your computer faster?"

    "No."

    "No? But it's got the more gigabytes."

    "That doesn't affect your speed very much. The hardware components that factor most into your computer's speed are your CPU and RAM. Your hard drive's capacity isn't a very significant factor." I decide for the moment to leave the topic of HDD cache and rpm out of this.

    "But, isn't it better to have more?"

    "Yes, of course. I'm simply saying that the difference in hard drive space isn't nearly enough to justify the increase in price. The price is JUST because of the memory."

    "I really don't want to run out of space."

    "Well, I don't think you'd have a problem with either."

    "What do you mean?"

    "I mean, most customers never fill up half that much space unless they're storing video files or computer games on their PC. Truth is, the difference between 100GB and 120GB isn't enough to base your whole buying decision on. Most customers never even worry about filling the 100GB drive. The ones that did would never have been satisfied with the 120GB drive, they'd have to add extra space to get to 300 or 400 gigs. I haven't yet found a customer that needed more than 100GB but less than 120GB."

    "So... you're saying this higher priced one is the one you'd buy."

    "Yes. Like I said, the extra RAM is definately worth it."

    "I think I'll go with that one. I want the more gigabytes."

    [By: linkv]
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  • Giggidy, giggidy, gig. -Stryker One
  • I usually have to end up with an analogy to cars. "The memory is like the engine - you want that to be more powerful. The hard drive is like the gas tank." I'm afraid of a starfish asking about tire pressure. -MisterCommon
  • What about tire pressure?! *bolts for the LART shelter* -unrenowned
  • No, the car analogy is for explaining why hard drives fail - they're like tires and eventually wear out. For RAM / HDD comparisons, the drive is your garage, where you keep all your junk. The RAM is the size of your office - the bigger your office, the more work you can do all at once. -TheCyberwolfe
  • I use an office analogy. The HD is like the file cabinet, the RAM is like your desk. It works. -Grembo
  • I'm with Grembo on this. I got a couple of real computer-phobes at work to actually understand what was going on well enough to know when to stay the hell out of the way using the desk/filing cabinet analogy! -Voz
  • I use a bat. -War1ock
  • All your gigabytes are belong to us. -Learyban
  • I can has gigabytes plz? -Dante668
  • My Hard Disk/CPU/RAM anaology is thus: Imagine a man sitting at a desk. The speed at which he can read is the processor speed. (For dual-cores, he can read more than one thing at once). The size of your desk if the amount of RAM you have, but some of this is used by your pens, blotter, photo of mistress, etcetera. What is left after you've got your blotter out is what you can use. Loading from hard disk is like fetching a book from the shelves - if you have lots of space on your desk you can have lots of books open at once. if you only have space for one book, then you spend all your time moving books back and forth from the floor(swap) to your desk, rather than reading them. Your desk is 512Mb, whereas windows is around 250 Mb, Norton around 60Mb, and your spyware is around 100Mb. If we clear the spyware, like clearing your desk of mouldy sandwiches, you have more space. Also you can increase the size of your desk by adding more ram. N.B. this anaology is also good for explaining why installing games doesn't slow your pc down, while installing quicktime/realplayer/aol/bonzibuddy does. -trs998
  • I usualy use car analogies, like hard drive is like the gas tank. 100GB vs 120 GB, like a 11.1 Gal tank vs a 11.6 Gal tank. -Belunar
  • no judy patch references? btw my harddrives generally self distruct before I fill an 80 gig drive. -SGTARKyTEK
  • <D.A.> According to Mr. Tim Foilhat, IT Isntructor, http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=69789 the 120 GB HDD is "adjusted" (actual word used) for a 3.06 GHz Celeron, while the 100 GB HDD might be adjusted for about 2.8 GHz, so yes, there's an increase in speed. </D.A.> :D :D :D -TheGhost
  • 114. New Job Vs. Old Job

    I love my new job! I've been here four months, and being a programmer kicks arse. All I do is walk in, type for 8 hours, and leave. No phones, no tech support, no customers, no selling. While counting my good fortune, I can't help but compare this to my old job at CableISP. Specifically, I'm amazed at the differences in security procedures. My new employer is a contractor, whom I'll be calling YourTaxDollarsAtWork. We're a govt contract and we do work with a lot of sensitive information. Of course, we have security measures in place to keep bad things from happening. Oddly enough, however, there are many ways in which my office at YTD@W is not as uptight about security as CableISP, which I find hysterical because the stuff I'm working on at YTD@W is actually important, and lots of people depend on it. I'm, y'know, actually making a difference (another reason I love this job!). Note to cable techs: I'm not saying ISP work isn't important or that it doesn't help people, just that my former employer overestimated the monetary value of what went on in that building.

    Yet, apparently, our gov't-approved security measures, which protect information everyone depends on, are deemed "not good enough" for CableISP, whose insisted on absolutely fascist measures in the pursuit of getting Starfish to try HBO free for 30 days. Observe:

    CableISP: When CableISP started supporting Wifi, we asked... no, we BEGGED to be given a Company-issued router so that we could learn hands-on how to configure the security features. "NO!!!" we were told. "Wi-Fi is EVIL! No responsible company could ever use it, it's too great of a security risk! Wi-Fi = information loss! As soon as we hook it up, people will be in our parking lot downloading all our precious sercets!!!111oneoneone." "But," we argued "we don't need to hook it up to anything. We can learn how to use the settings on the router without connecting it to the network. It'd be much more effective than trying to follow through the manual, which is based on a very outdated version of the firmware. The router poses no risk if it's not physically connected to the network containing the sensitive information." "NOO!!!!!!" our company overlords screamed. "You Techs don't know ANYTHING!!!! If we get a router, our network is compromised! Our hotshot lawyer friends said so!!! " Thus, we were not only unable to learn how to set up a company-issued router, but no 802.11 devices were allowed on the company grounds, ever.

    YTD@W: Though I've never had reason to use them, I know there are several wireless networks in my general vicinity.

    CableISP: No outside equipment of any kind is allowed on the premises!

    YTD@W: Things that could be overtly used to compromise security must be left in cars. ( ie, cell phones and cameras) Everything else is fine, up to and including laptops, GameBoys, and mp3 players.

    CableISP: No books allowed, except by what is issued by CableISP!

    YTD@W: Unless it causes excsssive desk clutter, we're allowed to read at lunch without it being considered a thread to the bottom line. Imagine that.

    CableISP: No web-surfing on the clock! If you're not on a call and need to relax, re-read your hopelessly out of date training manual! That's all the relaxation anyone needs!

    YTD@W: Y'know, it's not reasonable to expect someone to sit in a chair and code for 8 hours straight. Every once in a while, if you need to decompress, you're allowed to take 3-4 minutes to surf any website you're interested in, as long as your on-the-clock interests can be broadly defined as "non-controversial".

    CableISP: Even though our online library has a tool that allows us to e-mail support data to people (ourselves, customers) we are NEVER to do that, because our support info is considered TRADE SECRETS. Even though we got 80% of it from the Microsoft KnowledgeBase.

    YTD@W: Material that cannot leave the building is clearly labeled. Everything else we're free to distribute, especially warnings of new viruses or phishing scams.

    Once again, I LOVE THIS JOB!!!

    [By: linkv]
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  • CableISP is catnip for fucknuggets. -vacuumtubes
  • What you have there, is a very rare thing indeed. Congrats, man. I'm in a similar boat, myself. :) -Seamus
  • <D.A.> Well, at ISP, they know what kind of pr0n you download. At YTD@W, any top secret stuff you have will eventually be published in The Enquirer or made into a "movie" by Michael Moore. </D.A.> -TheGhost
  • Sounds about right for a CableISP. We could bring personal electronics in, but they had to be off anywhere on the floor. We couldn't even have a cell phone charger running at our desks. -deskmonkey
  • Actually, MacBook(Pro)s could be used to compromise security, with the iSight camera built in... -Seamyst
  • Yep, programming is a nice gig. I've been doing this for 34 years now and I'm still amazed how few people can actually produce code! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Ok, 2 things come to mind, 1) KEEP THAT JOB...but your probly already thinking that :) 2) Im sorta in a simular position, some stuff that cant be shared, mostly free to do whatever between calls as long as it is SFW. Except for the occasional starfish, I like my job too :) -Belunar
  • Haliburton? -Stryker One
  • 115. MySpace Spammer gets pwn3ed!
    I don't know how long it'll be until this account gets deleted, but someone's not happy about being leeched. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=235000911
    [By: linkv]
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  • it's not making sense? -AdmiralLaurie
  • OMGHAXX0R3DWTFN00B! ... Sorry... I don't know what came over me. -Seamus
  • "Really gay interracial midget amputee necrobestiality pr0n?" No thanks. Now if you were talking tentacle-raped cockroach snuff hentai..... -56Kdaytrader
  • Tellin' it like it is... and lovin' every minute of it... -CyBear
  • The page is gone as of 4:55 pm Central time 8-27-07. -ManyHats
  • 116. Good Old Frick

    Some of you might remember Frick, a guy I used to work for, our store's Imperial District Supervisor Supreme. I thought he was an idiot, until I met his collegues. Then I KNEW he was an idiot, it's just that I then understood that was a job requirement.

    Anyway, so Frick comes to our store one day. See, when we first set up our computer repair station, we did it with a deck in front, which was our public face. This was where techs spoke to customers and filled out paperwork. The actual teching was done in the back room-- a nasty storage room. Oh, it wasn't much to look at, but it was well-lit and very spacious. The techs were never hurting for places to keep computers, even when they had 20-30 in the que. And their tools could be kept in giant toolboxes, not chintzy storage containers from Staples.

    Anyway, Frick comes in and decides this should not be. It did not make any sense to hire techs and allow them to spend all their time *gasp!* fixing stuff! No, we had to make sure all work was done on the teensy desk out front. Frick was confident in his plan, though for appearances' sake, he decided to ask my opinion on the matter. Heh, I told you he was an idiot.

    "So, Linkv, you're the department supervisor, right?"

    Wow, since you're ripping up my store, shouldn't you already know that?"Yes indeed."

    "So, tell me, where's your tech bench?"

    It's the giant black thing in front of you, you moron. "Well, actually, we have two. We have this one here that we use for talking to customers, and the real work is done in the big room in back."

    "Uh huh. And how do you think that's working out, reeeealllly?"

    "Fantastic."

    "Uh... huh. Well, what would you do if I told you that I wanted all the tech stuff moved out here immediately, and for the techs to only use the back room for storage?"

    "I'd sweat profusely."

    Frick was unprepared to think that someone would not like his idea. "Why?"

    "Because the techs need space to work. Their whole job is to get computers done as quickly as possible. If they're constantly distracted by customers asking where the crapper is, the quality and speed of their work will go down, and it won't be their fault."

    "Uh huh. Well, what if I told you other stores did it that way?"

    "That doesn't really concern me. I work *here*. And this is not a good idea."

    "Why are you so against this? Give me one good reason why we should keep the tech room in the back."

    "Well, for one thing, it's a liability issue. If you have customer computers out front, they can see what the techs are doing. What about when a tech is working on a customer's computer and porn just explodes everywhere? It's right there for other customers to see. It's only a matter of time until the wrong person notices. Keeping the computers out of sight is the only way to protect customer privacy and keep the porn out of view."

    "Oh, I don't think that'll be a problem..."

    [By: linkv]
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  • Reality-denial as a way of life. Nice. -TechnoVampire
  • How come I see a Porn LART coming to your store soon? -Belunar
  • I'll send you my computer for "repair" the screensaver alone is bound to piss off every customer and goat in the store :) -neuman1812
  • Belunar - Because there's going to be a Porn LART coming that store soon. -ShujinTribble
  • Now I now where "He's a frickin' idiot!" comes from. -ralphp1024
  • And heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrre's yer sign. <to the phb> -AngrySup
  • Why do I see Otis coming to your store soon. To realign a manager. <Tink> Pron <Tink> in <Tink> the <Tink> Store <Tink> will <Tink> Not <Tink> Be <Tink> Tolerated <Tink> No IT for you! <TINK!> -StarFishHearder
  • oh i would so kick him in the bollox -r3tude
  • we are sending you Burrkiss's machine to "repair" along with a 42" monitor to hook it up to. That ought to get the point across. -Wolfie0827
  • Wolf - Don;t forget the 5.1 speaker setup that seems to have a problem when turned up to 11 -ShujinTribble
  • Well, obviously all the techs can't work at that dinky small desk. Send a memo pointing this out and asking if the rest should play rotation tag Or if the whole area should be remoduled to enable all repair work to be performed in the public gaze. Walls knocked through (needing structorial assesment by a qualified surveyor) new custom made benches to fit into the new space. Tool boxes will need secure lockers. Does every Tech have the full range of Customer Service Skills? won't they need to have a full range of courses that the Company will have to send them on. And during the remodelling the area will be unsafe to work in . Paid leave? Then there may well be a backlog after the remod so overtime has to be factored into any future plans or of course he could just leave it to work as it so obviously does now. -Zoomer
  • You know... Zoomer's got a GREAT plan, there. Hmmmm!!!! -ShujinTribble
  • of course it might have prevented http://consumerist.com/consumer/leaks/how-geek-squad-steals-your-porn-277560.php -McSmiley
  • GET THAT IN WRITING!!! Cause it will bite you in the ass eventually if you don't. That's got Titanic written all over it. -Armakuni
  • 117. OT -Classic Gaming Expo 2007 - Las Vegas

    Sorry all, I was going to make this the LOTD, but someone beat me to it, and I'd never want to push a lady aside. ;-) There's an awesome Video Game convention in Vegas next weekend... Wags and I will be in attendance. If any TSC'ers want to meet for a drink, whiteboard me.

    http://www.cgexpo.com/

    [By: linkv]
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  • im not a pushover, but i would have ceded in yr case mate;) -timelady
  • 118. A Tragedy in One Act

    Sometimes, ya gotta tell a story where the starfish win.

    See, this is about a rather arrogant suctomer. It’s the kind of story where you start off thinking “Well, I can kinda-sorta sympathize with him”, and then a few minutes later, you’ll desperately want this guy to die in a fire.

    Anyway, I was working at RetailComputerStore at the time, when I get paged up front. Seems a rather burly guy wanted to know where his printer was. As it seemed we’d both benefit to knowing the answer to that, I asked to see his receipt. He’d purchased a computer package on Wednesday and special-ordered a printer, it was now Saturday, and he expected to pick it up.

    Except, we didn’t have it.

    Not only didn’t we have any set aside for him, but we didn’t have any in the store, nor did any of our neighbors (hence his needing to special order it in the first place). I tried my best to be diplomatic, there’s nothing worse than not having an answer.

    “Sir, I’m sorry, it’s just taking us a minute to locate your printer. Usually when $co-worker calls his customers to let them know their stuff has arrived, he puts it up by the front desk for them. I’m not sure why your printer isn’t here.” I look puzzled and conveniently forget to mention that the bigger issue is that inventory says it’s not in the *building*, much less at the front desk.

    “He didn’t call me.”

    “Oh.” This was a curve ball. “Well, how did you know it had arrived? Did you call earlier today?”

    “Nope. Just came in.”

    “Oh, well… (friendly smile) That explains it, then. Yeah, it’s not here yet.”

    “HEY! It’s supposed to be here! I came in expecting it to be here!”

    I know the guy who sold it to him wouldn’t have told him to just walk in unannounced, so I’ve got a little bit of leverage. I don’t know what gave him the idea to come in, but customers are always hearing shit that was never said. “I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ll call you as soon as it’s in. There’s a note on your receipt to that effect.”

    “Well, I really want that printer… can you get it from somewhere else?”

    “I’m looking at our inventory, and yes, I can, but the only option I have is to ship it directly from our distribution center. It’ll take a few days, but we don’t charge shipping.”

    “Yeah, whatever.”

    “Okay.” I key in the change of inventory and the front counter guy starts to take over. I’m about to consider the matter closed when…

    The front counter guy looks up. “Allright, now the last thing we need to do is pay the balance on your printer.”

    “NO! NO! NO! I ALREADY PAID! THIS IS A DONE DEAL, I JUST WANT THE THING!”

    The front counter guy reviews his screen. “No, you paid for the computer. You *ordered* the printer. This is indicated on your receipt. The only thing charged to you on Wednesday was a $5 down payment. The printer has not been paid for.”

    “NO! IT’S TAKEN CARE OF LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL! I DON’T OWE NOTHIN!!!!”

    I can see the situation is rapidly getting out of hand. I pull up my old CableISP “calm and collected” voice, and look at the screen. “Sir, I understand your confusion, but he’s telling you the truth. See, you paid for the computer in full, and everything else, but because we couldn’t give you the printer, we didn’t charge you for it. All you paid for that particular item was a $5 down payment. Let me show you…

    He starts shaking his head “No”. I’m starting to expect him to cover his ears and sing “la la la”. Like I said, I have confidence my co-worker didn’t mislead him, but truth is I *didn’t* know what was said that day. I have to keep phrasing this diplomatically. I really *don’t* know if this guy is genuinely mixed up, or if he’s just trying to badger his way out of paying for the printer. It may be an honest mistake, but he’s not shutting up long enough for me to sort it out. “I PAID FOR IT! I PAID FOR IT!”

    “Sir, let’s look at your receipt. If you add up the prices on your items, you’ll see that it doesn’t quite add up to the full amount. That’s because…”

    Jerk cuts me off “No! You’ve got it all wrong! They charged me for everything!”

    For better or worse, the front counter guy tried to interject. “Sir, he’s trying to explain what’s happened. Can’t you just listen to him for a minute!”

    “YES I CAAAANNNNN!!!! I’M NOT A CHILD!!!!”

    “Sir, look, this is the total price of all the things you bought on Wednesday, and if you look at the amount you paid, you’ll see that it’s less. That’s…”

    “THANK YOU!!!” He grabs his receipt and runs out the door.

    I found out what happened next from my co-workers: This jerk got in his truck and drove three miles down the street to a new store, which was still under construction. Inside, there was scaffolding, wires everywhere, fresh paint, dust in the air and debris on the floor, and generally all the construction hazards you’ll find in a building that’s, you know, under construction.

    He walks up to the deactivated electric door, and shoves it open. He storms his way into the store and screams that he wants to talk to whoever’s in charge. Two people tell him that the new store is not open for business and that he needs to leave at once for safety reasons. I imagine having a customer injured in a store not even open for business would be an insurance/litigation nightmare. Jerk continues his quest undeterred (I do not know why the cops weren’t called). He finally gets to Frack, our Regional Inverebrate Poo-Bah. Frack hears the jerk’s sob story and… what does he do? Calls us, tells us he’s going to have someone at the distribution center DRIVE a printer to jerk personally, and that we are to waive whatever balance is still on his ticket.

    So, the moral of the story? Refuse to listen, act like an ass, trespass on private property, endanger your own safety and the safety of others—and then get rewarded with a free printer.

    Get mad at RetailComputerStore= Free printer. Who knew it was that simple? Here I was using money all this time, what a fool I was.

    [By: linkv]
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  • My god... Sounds like TigerDirect... You didn't happen to work for them, did you? -exzyle2k
  • There seems to be a profution of people like my current brother-in-law. They all need to die. -compbrat
  • now "personally drive a printer to him" does that including dropping it on his head from a great hieght -r3tude
  • Send that shitbuckle to Gitmo, asap. -vacuumtubes
  • Wow. I am usually not one who typically does stuff like this...but that printer would have a very good chance of not working when he got it if I had any say. I'd mess up the magenta or something (no offense, Riff). -JTSBrown
  • Good thing I wasnt the manager. "Sir, you are trusspassing on a construction site. For your own safty, leave at once or we will call the police. If you wish to purchase anything go to one of our stores that is open." -Belunar
  • 119. Linkv the starfish (fer yer own good!)

    Storytime, folks! Settle on in! Fix yourself a plate and get comfy on one of linkv’s many comfy couches. For your dining pleasure, we’re serving nachos-your way! Two kinds of tortilla chips, rich cheddar cheese, sour cream, onions, silky-smooth quacamole, and homemade salsa. For the carnivores in the group, you can add grilled chicken, ground beef, or my own chili (it’s been given rave reviews). To wash it down, I’ll be pouring freshly-mixed mudslides into jumbo glasses. Hope no one’s dieting!

    This story takes place toward the end of linkv’s training at CableISP. More and more, we were being asked to role-play. Not the good kind of role-playing that involves handcuffs and cheerleader costumes, nor even the kind that involves a game controller or dice. No, this was the dreaded kind, where one trainee pretended to be a customer and the other employee pretended to help them. In theory, this was a great way to train employees. In practice, every role-playing session went like this:

    Employee 1: “Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Employee1, can I have your name please?”

    Employee 2: “Certainly, my name is….”

    Employee 1: “Thank you. And may I please have your address?”

    (These two exchange account information, and Employee 1 gets full QA points)

    Employee 1: And what can I help you with today?

    Employee 2: I’d like to upgrade my service to the higher-speed teir.

    Employee 1: (clickity-click) Certainly, will there be anything else I can help you with today?

    Employee 2: No, but thank you, you were very helpful.

    No, of course these were not typical TS calls. I knew this. While it helped them remember how to get their QA points, there was little real troubleshooting involved. While my fellow trainees had been in call centers before, I was the only one who had experience doing tech work, as well as dealing with starfish. They might have had a little more polish on their pleases and thank-yous, but I was alone in being prepared to dip my head in a barrel of stupid.

    So, when it came time for me to role-play, I became an asshole. When we did these calls, we had the luxury of being in separate rooms, so there was no way they could see me or in any way interrupt the training exercise.

    Here’s a call I made to Edgar:

    ”Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Edgar, could I have your name please…”

    (let him get my contact info, lull him into a false sense of security)

    ”… and how can I help you today?”

    ”I can’t get onna internet.”

    ”I’m sorry to hear about that. Let me try to help you. What version of Windows are you running?”

    ”Huh?”

    ”What version of Windows do you use?”

    ”Whut do you mean?”

    ”What operating system do you have?”

    ”What’s an operating system?”

    ”Ummmmmmmmmmmmm…. Oh wow… ummmmm…” And on the other end, I grinned, knowing I broke him.

    Another call was made to Jack, who I mentoned in the “I am Jack’s Cell Phone” stories:

    ”Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Jack, could I have your name please…”

    (QA points, ahoy!)

    ”… and how can I help you today?”

    ”My e-mail won’t go out.”

    ”What e-mail program do you use, sir?”

    ”I use my e-mail!!!!”

    ”Um kay. Could you click on the ‘Start’ button?”

    ”Start Button?”

    ”Yeah, the Start Button.”

    ”I don’t have a Start button on my keyboard.”

    ”No no, I mean on your screen.”

    ”I got one that says ‘Power’.”

    ”Uhhh… no no, on the actual screen itself. What do you have on there? “

    ”Nuthin’.”

    ”Look in the lower-left hand corer. What do you see down there? “

    ”Just my background.”

    ”Ummm… (longish pause) Sir, is there an Apple on your screen anywhere…? “

    Ah, you learn well, grasshopper. ”Why yes…. At the top!”

    Jack ended up being my victim for another role-playing call:

    ”Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Jack, could I have your name please…”

    (crazy accent)”YEAH! Well, YEAH!. Hey, I get your fuckin’ ser-VICE, and then, I turn on my computer, AND ALL I GET ARE THE DIRTY PICTURES! WHAT DA FUCK KINDA SERVICE IS THIS??” I found out later, that, despite my being in another room, I could be heard across the entire floor, causing everyone to become paralyzed with laughter.

    ”I’m sorry, sir. Let me help you by finding your account.”

    ”I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT MY ACCOUNT! YOU GIVES IT ALL DA SMUT! Who the FUCK do you think you are! Why you gotta put all this CRAP and BOOBIES on my DAMN SCREEN?! I’m gonna KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!! NO ONE SHOWS ME BOOBIES!!!!!!”

    ”…You’re saying we sold you a dirty computer?”

    ”DON’T PLAY DUM, YOU FUKKIN’ ASSHOLE! I GET YOUR HIGH-SPEED SERVICE, AND IT’S JUST NEKKID PEEPLES! You THINK I be likin’ this?! How about I bring you over and make you watch!?!”

    ”Ummm…”

    ”MotherFUCKER! I keel YYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!””

    [By: linkv]
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  • *twitch* *twitch* *snicker*..."BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" -rokitt
  • I don't know whether to laugh or be thankful you were role-playing amongst yourselves. Just don't tell me that your trainers think it's wise for trainees to role-play with reps on the floor..... -MadJack
  • I don't know whether I should call you evil, charitable (to show them what's in store), inspired or maybe all of the above... -SillyGirl
  • (Applauds) Fantastic idea to give them those kinds of training calls. That's where you see who can handle the real stuff and who can't. (And by the way, you made me drool with the nacho description. I've hardly eaten today.) -FixitWench
  • Bravo. RPing an acual type of call as opposed to the sterile idealistic call we all hope to get. I would tip my hat if I had one. (its also a good thing I had my drink away from myself when I read this ) -Belunar
  • You missed one fairly common scenario that could have really been a classic! Alternate between two voices as if 'relaying' between the telephone (probably in the kitchen, cue the portable TV) and the computer user in the den (the cord just reaches the hallway) who has to lean out into the hallway to hear/answer. The voice from the kitchen should be falsetto! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Kudos to you for actually being allowed to swear over the phone and getting away with it! -ShiftedBeef
  • So how big was the crowbar they used to get the smile off your face? -thatgirl
  • Ahhh, reality rears its' ugly head in a training scenario. I get the feeling you ENJOYED turning the screw on your fellow trainees - I know I would have! -lineswine
  • I prefer chunky guacamole. -Stryker One
  • Ahahah. We had to roleplay training calls in my previous job. Having worked tech support previously, I was realistic. The trainer took me aside privately, and told me off for being disruptive and discouraging, not to mention totally unrealistic. Later, when we were out on the floor, my coworkers thanked me for having been realistic... -Mahal
  • I remember when we were role-playing, and I decided to role-play a potty-mouthed, but not irate caller. It was hilarious. -56Kdaytrader
  • I'd like to visit that experience by role playing the rudest SFI to Catbert's CSR when it's my turn for 'refresher training' later this week.... see how HE likes being on the 'wrong' end.... -MadJack
  • next week do you get to play supervisor/subordinate? -stiffarm
  • guacamole looks like babyshit -HappyCrappy
  • 120. This is IT... this is IT on marketing...
    Hope this hasn't been posted before... (if so, sorry) http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=stock_photos
    [By: linkv]
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  • Websense has filtered the following site under the category "Tasteless". -TeethMalloy
  • No particular point to my last comment. I just thought it was funny. -TeethMalloy
  • It's only tasteless to marketroids with no sense of humor. -concept14
  • LOL!!! I love canned marketing! :D :D :D -TheGhost
  • Do you ever get the feeling that marketing droids live in a world parallel to the one the rest of us inhabit, possibly one of their own making? -lineswine
  • 121. I am Jack's Cell Phone, Chapter 3

    After our class had taken numerous liberties with Jack’s cell phone (http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=67214 & http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=67347 ), we decided enough was enough. We were going to call it even and get on with things. Every joke has a life of its own, and after a week of pranks, Jack’s phone had run its course. All nine of us were ready to drop it.

    Really, we were.

    It was not us who broke the truce. No, I promise you, it was Jack. And even then, we would have just let it slide, since Jack would always be a kidder, and no amount of cell phone larceny would change that. But, when Jack went at it again, we couldn’t resist. Not because we wanted to beat a dead horse, but because this time, Jack hadn’t pranked us.

    He pranked Mr. Mack.

    This begged for reaction. Mr. Mack was our teacher. He was an uber-cool guy and shouldn’t have been bested by the likes of jack. But, as our instructor, he didn’t need to get his hands dirty. That’s where we came in. See, somehow, Jack had gotten ahold of Mr. Mack’s office number, and called him (from the infamous cell phone) in the wee hours of the morning, when Mr. Mack wouldn’t be in. Jack then proceeded to leave a prank message on Mr. Mack’s voice mail. A bad prank message. Unbelievably, terribly, bad. Strong Bad has left better prank messages, I assure you. It went something like this:

    “Heeyyy…. Mr. Mack… I’m gonna get you! Yeah, you messed with the wrong guy! This is big-time mobster Frank Bag-of-Donuts, and I’m gonna come get you! Tonight, yer gonna sleep with the fishes! Whoooohooo!!!!”

    Yes, I realize that such a message technically constitutes a threat, but Jack was harmless and everybody knew it. In addition, it was just a painful attempt. Even if we wanted to involve the police, we couldn’t have done so with straight faces. So once again, it seemed like the best course of action was to hit Jack where it hurt. Problem was, Jack had taken to hiding his cell phone and locking the keypad. This was after another of Jack’s slip-ups: his cell phone rang during class. Class rules stated that all cell phones had to be on silent mode, and if you violated this rule, Mr. Mack made you sing in front of the class. First offense, the student chose their own song. Second offense, Mr. Mack chose the song. Jack had already been forced to sing some sort of Emo thing.

    So, it was no longer as simple as taking his phone from him. We needed to find something else. Luckily, Jack left us one treat: When he called Mr. Mack, he left his cell number on the Caller ID. So, the 10 of us hatched a plan:

    BillyBeer figured out which brand of cell phone Jack had, and passed this information to

    Edgar proceeded to Google the instruction manual for the phone. Meanwhile,

    I watched Jack like a hawk when he came in, waiting to see where he put the phone. As soon as I knew where it was, I let

    Lady Feathers distract Jack, while I told

    Thief where the phone was. Thief got the phone, passed it to

    Hugh who gave it to Edgar to unlock. Once the phone was unlocked and unsilenced, it was passed back and put back in Jack’s hiding spot. Then

    Ethan relayed the code word to

    Mr. Mack, who picked up his desk phone, and called Jack’s cell.

    A loud polyphonic ringtone echoed in the classroom, and Jack was sentenced to treating the entire class to “I’ve Got You Babe.”

    [By: linkv]
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  • Many Hands make LART work -ShujinTribble
  • I love it when a plan comes together! </H. Smith> -Starfury
  • Brah-VO! **golf clap** You folks make a great team. If there's a part IV, then I hope it involves a very embarrassing new ringtone for Jack! -SalParadise
  • Next offense punishment should be to sing "I will always love you" standing on his hands (support against the wall allowed) .... <bfeg> -Dr Jerkyl
  • In a Gorilla suit! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I have just been reminded of a sup back in my ZD days, who, forced to bet on team performance, when her team lost to ours, was obliged to fulfill her bet by doing the hula in fromt of the entire floor during the monthly update meeting,,, whilst wearing a grass skirt... (yeah, she was hot, too...) -MadJack
  • Beautiful job by all. -Rabbitt
  • Got to love the group LART! -PTSTech
  • A good LART is a thing of beauty, and a wonder to behold. -SimianMilitant
  • So this is where Ocean learned what he knows; from Linkv's Ten. <ROTFL!!> -TheGhost
  • 122. I am Jack's Cell Phone, Chapter 2

    Remember my friend Jack? (http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=67214 )

    After the phone-snatching incident, you’d think Jack would have cooled off a little. Nah, sadly, that wasn’t the case at all. One Thursday, our class was getting a bit rammy. Mr. Mack had assigned us group projects, and we were taking the time to do our work way too slowly whilst we talked about movies and told dirty jokes. Jack was again being his usual self, convinced we couldn’t get him twice.

    Well, would you believe it, not even ten minutes go by, and someone hands me his again-pilfered cell phone. Do I look like a smuggler or something? I’d felt I’d made my point. Just when I was about to put the phone back and let it slide, Jack turned to me and… I couldn’t. The phone went in my pocket.

    But if I was going to participate, I couldn’t just hide it like I did before. No, for my own self-respect, I’d need to be able to raise the bar, otherwise there’d be no point. So, while Jack was working on his group project, I walked up to him and started chatting. He was drawing on a poster with some markers, while I took out the roll of masking tape and started pulling long strips off. Many long strips. Jack and I talked, all the while he watched me and never asked why I needed so much tape.

    As soon as Jack sat back down in his swivel chair, my plan went into action. I went over to Jack’s PC and showed him something on his screen… with my left hand. With my right, behind his field of vision, I taped his phone to the back of his chair. Making sure the conversation went on longer and longer, I slapped more tape onto the back of his phone, until it looked like his chair was covered with a large spiderweb.

    The class went nuts. Our resident mischief-maker marveled “Wow, he has an evil side we need to learn how to tap…” Mr. Mack, upon seeing our hijinx and how we spent our valuable class time, promptly tore off some of his own tape strips just to make sure the phone was good-n-tight.

    Of course, eventually, Jack realized his phone was missing. This time, I was the first one he came to. I showed him my hands, turned out my pockets, and emptied my briefcase. “I really don’t have it this time!” I insisted. And while he didn’t wan to, Jack had no choice but to believe me. Every other member of the class had a perfect alibi. And truly, none of us had his phone. Giving up, he slumped back in his chair.

    ”Give it back, you guys!”

    ”We don’t have it, Jack. It’s behind you.”

    Jack spun around in his chair. “Where? Where! Where?!?!” On someone else, I would have known the jig was up, but in Jack’s case, he really did think we had given it back. It’s kind of like tricking a dog into thinking you threw it a ball. Jack spun like a top, looking for something which he could never, ever see so long as he sat in that chair.

    Jack got up, insisting that he *KNEW* one of us had the phone and we’d better give it back. Mr. Mack ended up vouching for us, saying he knew for sure none of us were in possession of the phone. “Well,” Jack reasoned “then nobody’s going home till I get that phone back!” And with his empty threat, Jack sat back down in his seat.

    ”Allright then, have a good night, Jack!” We chimed as we went out the door. He stammered. “Oh, come on, you said we could go when you got your phone back.”

    Jack stood, ready to bust some ass. Just then, his hand got caught on some tape. He turned his chair around to find his phone taped not six inches from where his ass had been for the past half hour. Nine techs-in-training, myself included, took off amidst Daffy Duck laughter.

    Yes, there *is* a Chapter 3.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Beautifully done. -adarklite
  • Encore, encore, encore!!! -RandalGraves
  • You win. No no, it's ok. THAT'S AWESOME! -Bobsentme
  • I still say you should've waited for him to buy a replacement, them let "find" the original. -Stryker One
  • Next time, change the language setting on the phone to Swahili. -RiffRaff
  • mmmmm evil. I like evil. -Bilkor
  • I like where this is going -ShujinTribble
  • Fantastic! especially 'It’s kind of like tricking a dog into thinking you threw it a ball.' Hilariousness ensues! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • You are evil. I purr in your general direction. <ROTFL> -TheGhost
  • I thought it was going to be one of those poems from fight club. but this was so much better. -drachen
  • You would have to be the LARTMaster! COming soon: LARTMAster 101 by linkv. Credit card only. EMail linkv for more info. ;) -TheMacOne
  • 123. I am Jack's Cell Phone, Chapter 1

    Hey, come on in, guys! Grab a bowl or a cone, ice cream and cake for everyone! Just be quiet for the story, mmmkay. There were too many noises coming from Burkiss last time, pun intended.

    Well, now that you’ve had a glimpse at my co-worker Jack ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=67179 ), let’s talk about our time together. As I said, Jack and I were hired at the same time and went through the same training session. Training at CableISP involved a ten-person class crammed into a too-small room, with our instructor, Mr. Mack. It was, without a doubt, the best part of working at CableISP. So yeah, seven weeks crammed in with Jack.

    Now, just after getting his new job, Jack had decided to get a new cell phone. And, since he was a rather outgoing sort, he felt the need to constantly discuss the cell phone, which one he should get, which carrier he should use, which features he would want, what rate he should pay for those features, where he could get the phone, etc. Bear in mind that for weeks on end, he would speak of nothing but his cell phone, and this had nothing to do with learning how to support cable modems.

    ”So, like, I was thinking of going with the Sony 700, cuz it’s small and it looks cool and I can do IMs. It has a camera. Do you think I should use a camera? It might be neat, cuz then I don’t have to buy a camera too. I know someone in Asia and the camera phones are really popular over there. I went to the Cingular store, and they said I could get it for $240 if I sign a one-year contract. I dunno, I mean, what if the service sucks? I don’t want to be stuck with a phone for a year if it’s not what I want. But I also don’t want to spend $500 on a phone. And if I text…

    Then next week, it’d be ”Yeah, I got this phone on eBay. It was a good deal, I got it for like, $100, and it looks brand new. The screen could be a little bigger, I think, bit it was a good deal. I’m trying to figure out how to use the IM feature. Watch this, I can change the ringtone. See, I can play all sorts of different songs. And if I get a cable I can make my own. Or I can buy them from the company, they’re like $3, and they didn’t mind if I used an eBay phone, they said…”

    Which eventually led to “Yeah, now I can’t use my phone. They had a problem with my account, whole thing got botched up. They were charging me the wrong rate, and I was paying way too much, so they said that they’d just close the whole thing and make a new account, but my phone isn’t active yet. So if I get a call, I won’t know. And I don’t know if I’ll get my voice mail. Has this ever happened to you? What did you do about it? I’m thinking of just canceling, but I got the phone on eBay and I can’t get a refund…”

    Then the next week. “Well, I got my phone back up and working, and I finally figured out how to do the IMs. See, it’s not supposed to be compatible with AIM, but if you hold this key, and put in a zero, somehow it works. See, I’m sending one right now. Look at my phone, isn’t it all pretty and shiny?”

    As I said last time, Jack was a good guy, but this went on for 6 weeks. Six weeks in a small room with a guy who won’t talk about anything but his cell phone is enough to make anyone mental. So, one day, things got out of hand…

    The seats in the class were arrainged in a giant “U” shape, with a table in the center. I sat at one end of the “U” and a guy named “Pat” sat at the other. Jack sat next to Pat. Now, you should know that Pat and I have one thing in common—a very innocent demeanor and very young appearances. For better or worse, we look like boy scouts. No one ever suspects us of anything. Well, while Jack is busy talking, Pat takes his phone. I don’t mean he slipped it into his pocket silently—the guy picked it up and had a big “WOW!” look on his face. Pat proceeded to show his prize to the others in the room, who buckled over laughing that Jack hadn’t even noticed yet. To keep the ruse going, Pat passed it to the person next to him, who did the same, who did the same, until it would up being given to me. Now, I’m not going to do anything truly mean, but the opportunity here was just too big to let slide.

    I stuck the phone in my pocket and continued to type.

    Jack finally realized his phone was missing. He accosted one of the shadier individuals in the classroom. “Hey, you took my phone!”

    Of course, Jack was wrong. He wasn’t talking to the thief, merely an accomplice. Jack then proceeded to accuse and badger seven other co-workers, all of whom had Chesire Cat grins. Each one honestly said “I didn’t take your phone, and I don’t have it!” Jack goes nuts, accusing them of lying.

    And yet, he never could bring himself to corner Pat or myself. Being so quiet, we were just below his scrutiny. Jack tears the room apart looking for the phone, all the while mumbling that he KNOWS the crew took it.

    Finally, I got up, tapped Jack on the shoulder, and told him he had the phone the whole time… In a classic parlor trick, it had somehow gotten stuck in his ear. *EG*

    [By: linkv]
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  • that is awesome.... -tixarah
  • *APPLAUDS LOUDLY* Nice Use of Bastard! -gashach
  • I'd have waited for him to buy another phone, then leave the original on his desk. -Stryker One
  • That's evil, creul and wrong! Hence my applause and approval. -RandalGraves
  • Why isn't reality tv ever that good? -concept14
  • ...and yet the yoyo didn't try the most BASIC of cures... pick up a phone in the room and DIAL HIS OWN FSK'IN' PHONE NUMBER! -ShujinTribble
  • Can't believe that this hasn't been said: "I am Jack's colon. I get cancer, I kill Jack." -RandalGraves
  • EXCELENT! -Harm
  • That's the kind of Jack that gives the rest of us a bad name (eg) -MadJack
  • You had me laughing out loud at just the TITLE of this post. (Yeah, I may have enjoyed "Fight Club" a bit overmuch.) -LoTech
  • ** applauds, stand up, w00ts and shakes head at Jack ** Well done! You rock linkv! :) -TheMacOne
  • 124. I AM JOB!

    Gather 'round, all! This evening, we feast and celebrate! I have prepared a fine assortment: lobster ravioli for the seafood fans, grilled steak and chicken for the landlubbers, and a hearty vegetable stir-fry and miso combination for the vegetarians in the crowd. If you are indecisive, feel free to sample from all three dishes, there will be enough for everyone!

    You may all remember my recent loss of gainful employment: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=66062 . As many of you guessed, yes, I was working for Transistor Metropolis, though for consistency's sake I will continue to call it RetailComputerStore. I've been absolutely disgusted by how the company treated me, and would like nothing more than to never have to go back again. Well, it looks like I won't have to! I just started a great new job at a small progrmaming company that does some Government work. Better pay, better hours, better bennies... it's what I've been looking for ever since I got out of college. And now, I finally have a chance!

    Oh, MadJack! I might be needing some business cards!!! Can you help meeeeeeee!??!?!!

    I kid, I kid. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the time off, but when you're on terminal leave it's not exactly a restful vacation. Now, I'm back, stretching my tech muscles all over again! They've been a bit stiff, too, I ain't too proud to admit that.

    The downside is, that since I'm no longer dealing with EUs on a daily basis and a lot of what I'm working with is confidential, I don't predict that I'll have as many stories to post in the future. However, I still have many stories left over from my time at RetailComputerStore and CableISP, so if you smell something cooking at Linkv's house, stop by for some tech comedy!

    [By: linkv]
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  • <slips out of Lurk Mode> Congratulations! </slips back into Lurk Mode> -thebombthewoman
  • You can always make up stories about Burkiss and CD... the more fantastical, the more likely we will believe them! -CyBear
  • <stops packing farking boxes for move to new house> YAY!!!!!!! oh the miso stir fry is yumalicious, ta;) <back to the bxen> -timelady
  • Congrats! I'm still waiting on confirmation of my job. I know I have it, was told that I have it, but I have to wait for the person who I'm replacing gets moved to another district that they want to cover. Which means I have to wait for the transition to take place and then I begin my hands on "training"... (Like I need it to setup a computer/network...) -unrenowned
  • Fine repast! And congrats on the new job! -IceRuby
  • Congratulations indeed! -Grue
  • Cheers to you! Good show old bean! (not to be taken as a mockery of our fine British fellows, just like the way it sounds.) -beerman
  • Congratulations, guy... Sooo... That means you can LART the various Gubment folks and they can't argue about it, huh? -ShujinTribble
  • Yee-ha Linkv! Congratulations! -ManyHats
  • Linkv, don't worry about a lack of stories! My father worked for years for an aerospace firm that did some secret work. The stories he brought home were great: The PhDs that didn't realize it's easier to water down strong coffee than to boil down weak coffee, the genius who sighted a laser measuring tool by eye (note to self: do not look into laser with remaining working eye), etc. Anyway, it's personalities that we discuss here (and the deficiencies of starfish). Glad t'see you again! -CTYankee
  • Sure, just so long as you don't use the Flash Designer or choose Ground shipping (eg) (I'm kidding you, I'm a kidder) -MadJack
  • Congratulations, Link! -56Kdaytrader
  • 125. Linkv takes the Stand

    Every once in a while, you get a customer that fancies themselves a fantastic potential lawyer, what with all the CourtTV they watch.

    "Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Linkv, in what way will your stupidity pay my bills this month?"

    "Yeah, I called in about my website last week, and Bob helped me. Is he there?"

    "I am sorry, sir, but I am unable to transfer you to another agent. I can, however, help you myself. What can I do for you today?"

    "This is between me and Bob. Can I talk to him?

    "I'm sorry, there is no way I can transfer you.

    "Can you tell me when he'll be in?"

    "I'm sorry sir, I cannot. There is no record of which agent took your last call."

    "Are you listening??! It was BOB!"

    "Which Bob, sir?"

    "Whaddaya mean, WHICH BOB? It was BOB!"

    "Sir, CableISP is a national company employing several thousand people. As such, we have more than one employee named 'Bob'."

    "Well! I find that VERRRRRRRRRYYY difficult to believe!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • That, and most agents cannot give out their last names (gee, I wonder why...), this SF likely has about Zer0 chance of speaking to "Bob" again. -Seamus
  • Oh, you mean BOB? I'm terribly sorry sir; I just learned he's in our Black Lodge office today. I can transfer you there; when they pick up, make sure to say these words in reverse order: Me With Walk Fire. That will get you to BOB. I'm not allowed to say the words in the correct order...security reasons, sir. *Transfer* </Twin Peaks> -RamenMcTavish
  • It was Bob. And his partner Neal. ... Neal and Bob, yeah that was it. -Ramblin
  • You were talking to a vibrator, sir? -Mushroom
  • Bob Bob Bob, Bob Bob Ra Ann </Beach Boys> -MisterCommon
  • Sorry, Microsoft BOB is no more with us... He could not stand the stupidity of Starfish... -Dr Jerkyl
  • " OH well, THAT bob.. yea. he's dead." -Harm
  • I'm sorry bob is silent, but you can talk to jay instead -Armakuni
  • Your lack of brain power is not my problem, sir. -CaffeineHead
  • We have: 3 Nick, 2 Mike, 2 James. In a dept of about 20 people. -Starfury
  • I'm sorry sir, Bob was killed in a freak train accident. -Olorin
  • Bob is on vacation, do you want to stay on hold until he returns? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • "I'm sorry, Bob is unavailable"; "Well, can I talk to "Bob"?"; "I'm sorry, Bob is on another line right now"; "Well, can I talk to "Bob"?"; "I'm sorry, he's on vacation today"; "Well, how about I talk to "Bob"?"; "I'm sorry, he's in a meeting"; "Well, what if I talk to "Bob"?"; "I'm sorry, he's out sick today"; "Well, can I talk to "Bob" instead?"; "Speaking..." -Voz
  • Bob's not here, maaaaaan! </Cheech and Chong> -docbrown01
  • Bob and Doug took off (to the great white north) -AngrySup
  • In a group of 10 people, we're about to get our 3rd Andrew, and 2nd Matthew. -karlata
  • Bob the Builder? Aka Bob the System Support Engineer? ;) -TheMacOne
  • 126. Hello, Door.

    I'm not known for making long stories short. I find them to be less funny that way. However, this isn't really funny in the first place, so I'll try to keep it brief. I've been with RetailComputerStore for three years in several different positions. Since I've had such a long tenure with the company, and had several different promotions and transfers, I made a fairly decent salary by retail standards (but not, as I've now discovered, by the standards the rest of the world uses). I don't enjoy my job nearly as much as I used to, and I've been looking for something new, but in the meantime I at least consoled myself in the knowledge that I was making enough to get by.

    Well, all that changed an hour ago. I showed up for my shift and was pulled into my store manager's office. Apparently, there's a new initiative in the company to keep all positions on a rigid pay scale, and (guess what!) my pay is above what my position dictates. I guess it doesn't matter that my pay got so high because I've been with the company for years and consistently did my job well. Who the fuck cares? Anyway, as a result, I may no longer have a place within this company.

    Now, due to several changes I initiated before all this happened, they don't want to fire me outright, so HR has put me on leave until they can figure out the best way to reconcile my position with my salary. Logically, they're either going to eliminate the position or the salary, I guess they're figuring out which. Meanwhile, I'm considering this a paid vacation in which I'm going to find another job.

    I'm not one for karma requests, but right now, I can't afford to leave any well untapped. Thanks guys, for listening. Your good will was a lot of comfort when I moved out to live with Wags, and I don't know if I ever properly thanked you all for that.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • If you DO skip, you better let us know who it was... In case anyone else might end up in the same boat.... Oh... and he's a little furry Karma-Tribble. ("But CAPTAIN! One Little, harmless Tribble.....") -ShujinTribble
  • That's just fked up. -FixitWench
  • It looks like they're letting the inmates... er, beancounters run the asylum. A supply of Great White Karma's on its way--better use it before it melts! -Frazzled
  • The great Sky Platypus of Karma sends his greetings and much karma your way -elcapitane
  • <slides a tall, frosty mug o' karma down the bar of life> -beerman
  • It may not seem like it, but they're likely doing you a favor here. They clearly undervalue tech-fu, and when you find something elsewhere (and you will), you'll wonder why the hell you stuck around RCS so long. And when they find out how badly they miss you, they'll call and see if they can't get you back. That's when you hand 'em the new card that says "linkv, consultant" and tell them an hourly rate that brings tears to their eyes. Having been a consultant for many, many years now, I offer a tip or two on the matter: 1) Don't back down on the insanely high rate unless you've already added on a 50% surcharge specifically for the purpose of being able to look like you're cutting them a deal. 2) Don't undervalue yourself! The consulting rate should be NO LESS than 4x your current hourly rate. 3) No freebies! Charge 'em for travel time, phone calls, and any time you've spent thinking about the job, even if you were in the shower, taking a dump or having sex at the time. And if it's the last one, immediately triple the time spent. All this will lead to one of two things: either they'll refuse to pay that much and you'll be free at last, or they'll swallow like the good little cocksuckers you know they can be, and you'll have lots of extra $$ for suck things as beer , shiny things, and high-powered weaponry. It's win-win! -SalParadise
  • Kanadian Karma headin your way. I'll send a little extra to cover the exchange rate. -ThinTheHerd
  • Damn, that sucks. I'll boycott Circuit Pity in a one person protest angainst your being let go. In the mean time I send job karma your way. crispy06 Looks like it made the news: http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/retail/2007-03-28-circuit-city-layoffs_N.htm -Crispy06
  • Link, you get a heapin' helpin' o'karma from Ol'CH. I will posit this though, a company like that is not a company to continue working for, so I would still look for a new job even if they decide to keep you on. -CaffeineHead
  • KarmaJet is fully loaded and vectoring to your location...hang in there! -PTSTech
  • Little bits of Karma from lots of places heading your way. -Ramblin
  • There are little petals of Karma floating down from all of the Cherry and Apple trees. I will direct them towards your area! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • The saddest part of all of this, aside from your personal grief, is the fact that this 'restructuring' will work, and others will follow. Sure, the customer service will suffer, but their bottom line won't. -ThinTheHerd
  • If I could be a super-hero, I would be Karma-boy. Giving out Karma to all the great techs, and keeping the cube-jockeys employed... (with apologies to Steven Lynch.) -Seamus
  • <Missile bunker p.a. system engage>Begin launch of nuclear powered cyber karma kittens</announcement> Top of the line karma headed your way, when finished please notify your local emergency Hazmat cleanup crew... -unrenowned
  • Sorry to hear. Gear up the job search elsewhere, it's time. -namor
  • karmarsupials on their way mate!!! -timelady
  • "Hello, Door", the workplace sequel to that great country hit "Hello Walls' by Faron Young. Available online, on cd or audiocassette. Get your copy today! -MadJack
  • I think these companies are really getting!?!?. I don't swear, and I can't think of anything bad enough to call them. All the luck in the world to you. -IceRuby
  • Mmm, some good old fashioned Texas Karma Chili coming right up. You want jalapenos, cheese, and Tabasco sauce on it? -56Kdaytrader
  • Link, if this is who I think it is (rhymes with fershit kitty?) RUN. I'll split any Karma I have- I need a lil bit, as major shake up here too, inc. change of addy and looking for job. But I will share. -HappyCrappy
  • Karma granted, sounds like best course of action, "when everthings on fire get the fuck out" -r3tude
  • apology accepeted ( JK) allright.. i got 4 C-5's and an an 224 loading up now.. should be wheels up in about 30 mins.. -Harm
  • In a *SURELY* unrelated news story, I saw yesterday that Circuit City was laying off higher paid employees for budget cuts. I never buy from there anyway. -CelticSkyhawk
  • Ya know, it's barely possible that they may decide to reconcile the problem by promoting you... -Geminii
  • 127. Another Meeting

    Yeah, so, I get a call from Bossman the other night at 9 PM. He asks me to come in for a meeting the following morning at 9AM. This is "a half hour meeting. Thirty minures, he won't keep us more than forty". The meeting ends up lasting two hours.

    The topic of said meeting? Why we shouldn't make promises we can't keep.

    [By: linkv]
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  • ohhh the Irony... -Harm
  • I tell people I'm making them a pie crust promise. Easily made, easily broken. -RamenMcTavish
  • He called you at home...9 p.m.? Bollocks to THAT & the army that marched in with it. THAT, right there is OVERTIME (double time, 3 hours minimum). Short of them telling me I've won the works raffle & to pick up my TVR Speed-Six at work tomorrow, NO-ONE calls me after work hours! -lineswine
  • he called linkv at 9PM to inform of a meeting at 9AM. How is receiving a phone call considered overtime? -OgdenTechGuy
  • If I'm talking on the phone with someone from work and it's work related, then I'm working. If I'm working, I'm damn well going to get paid for it. If I've put in 8 hours already, then talking on the phone about work with someone from work is overtime. How much overtime is a matter of company policy -- here at "fat actress", it would be a minimum of 2 hours. -Captain Trips
  • OTG - ANYTHING work-related is chargeable, be it phone call, drop into work outside of regular hours, out-of-hours site work, whatever. Being on the phone about something work related means I 'm NOT doing something in my own time. I get the feeling the concept of what is/isn't acceptable on the subject of work differ between the sides of the Altantic - work would NEVER call you when you are on vacation, NEVER, under pain of being told to FOAD. -lineswine
  • lineswine you are correct. That's why I like to vacation in Mexico. -DuckyFuzz
  • "Yeah, Peter, I'm gonna have to ask to you go ahead and come in on Saturday, and while you're at it, why don't you come in on Sunday, too..." -AmazingKreskin
  • 128. It Was Him!
    Okay, I know the chances of this happening are one in a billion, but I swear I must have met the "new mouse" guy today! Same voice, same inflections, same sense of entitlement. Same irrational ranting and "la la la I can't hear you!" tactics. Talked over me, demanded a supervisor, would not listen to reason. And, as the original guy said he was 25 years old, this guy would have been in his late twenties or early thirties. I wonder if anyone has any background info on the new mouse call, because if it wasn't him, the guy was a dead ringer...
    [By: linkv]
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  • "If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework" - Bart Simpson -Seamus
  • Clayface maybe? The Chameleon? Yea so I've been reading comics all day! -RandalGraves
  • 129. Open Source for Starfish

    "So, this computer comes with Vista, huh?"

    "Yes, Ma'am."

    "Well, that's okay. I'm just going to wipe it and istall Linux on there."

    *ears perk up* "Cool. Which distro do you prefer?"

    "Linux."

    "Yes, but I mean, which version?"

    "The lastest one. Six, I think."

    [By: linkv]
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  • Well, it COULD have been a good experience... -Caboose447
  • Missed it byyyy.... |================ THAT MUCH =========================| -ShujinTribble
  • Technically, they could have been correct since "Linux" technically refers to the kernal, which seems to be at like version 2.6.20, so the 6 could've been referring to the kernal and this person might just be overly OCD. -squatchie666
  • so they debug and recompile the kernel over and over and over again until they get to version six? ya that'd be OCD <da> Ubuntu is currently in version 6 (well 6.10) so maybe that's what they were thinking of.</DA> -drachen
  • <da> I believe that Fedora Core is now at version 6 also. </da> Those two do seem to be the ones that the *fishies go for... let's hope he's going Ubuntu, that one just feels friendlier to me. -chazz
  • Nah, they were wingin' it! -Voz
  • They were thinking of IE6 at the time. Tell them to buy a Hell - they NOW come with Linux (can't remember which distro) and let THEM deal with the SF. -TheMacOne
  • 130. A NT DST Story (Starfish Ahoy!)

    In diplomatic terms, my grade school experience was not the best it could have been. The teachers had some "creative" and "interesting" methods of teaching us, which is to say that thanks to them it's a miracle I can count to 20 with my shoes off. There were some good eggs in the bunch, but that's not what this story is about.

    For example, when teaching us about maps, my teacher related a story to the class about how she and another teacher were taking a college class together and for a project were required to make a map of their hometown. They were under the impression that a map would need to be a 1:1 scale, and were very concerned that they'd soon run out of paper. I remember sitting at my desk, deciding that there were only two possibilities: A: My teacher is too fucking stupid to breathe, and therefore should not be teaching this class or B: She's making this up, not thinking that we'll realize that everyone knows maps are significantly smaller than the area they represent and WHO does not learn about maps before graduating high school? But yeah, this is the kind of crap they told us.

    Anyway... when DST hit,they explained to us how we set our clocks back. According to my teacher, the janitor came in late that night and took a ladder around to every room and reset each clock to 9:15. He started from the first grade classroom, then went to the second grade classroom, and reset THAT clock to 9:15. He did the same to the third grade, fourth grade... etc. My school held grades K-6th, and each grade had two classrooms. See where this was going? By the time he'd finished the final classroom, it was well past 9:15 PM, and the janitor had to go back and reset every single clock except the first.

    Unfortunately, I'm forced to believe the second story. While the first seems like a very poor charade intended to teach a very simple lesson, the second is just a dumb story for the sake of a dumb story. It taught me nothing except "Keep close tabs on where your tax dollars go".

    A few years later, I was placed in a different school.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Nope, that is exactly how he does it. The point is he isn't using more than one braincell while he does it. And it works very well for him. Setting the hands forward a variable amount of time would take him more than twice as long, trust me on this! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • um...unless your school was VERY behind the times the clocks are all synced up to a master time controller in the front office, the clocks change automaticly when that one changes. /learned this in 1980 when my 40ish year old school had a kid in the front office. changed all the clocks ahead to 3 pm. -drachen
  • meant to say "learned this in the 1980's" -drachen
  • my high school doesn't have synced clocks. just standard wall clocks. -linuxmatt
  • Even my new school had individual clocks, but the bell was set in the office. -evolvedstarfish
  • All of mine had standard wall clocks, too. -Mango
  • Many British railway stations have public clocks that are synced at least across the station, and sometimes to somewhere central. However, some still have individually set clocks - you can tell this because they always tell slightly different times. And then there are the broken ones that tell completely the wrong time, except twice a day of course. -Chromatix
  • We've got a big office (1000+), with probably 200+ clocks (many reflecting different time zones), and not two of them show the same damn time. -AngrySup
  • 131. Love Potion

    For centuries, millenia even, mankind has sought a miracle "Love Potion". In order to control the power of desire, countless people have studied chemistry, biology, psychology, alchemy, and every other science and pseudoscience known to find a method for making someone fall in love. We want to find a way to push someone to lose all control of their senses, to create an irrational desire within a person where none existed before. After years of failure, we have concluded that no such power exists.

    My fellow TSC members, I am convinced that a Love Potion must exist. I know not what it is, but I do know one thing: AOL owns it.

    That's got to be the explanation. There's no other way I can understand how people can flock to this overpriced, underfeatured, redundant, irrelevant dinosaur of a service. How many of our customers connect to a standard dialup/broadband ISP, only to add AOL on top of it? How many are unaware that they don't need to pay two ISPs for one service? (Oddly, while they gladly pay two ISPs, they still neep at having to buy software or pay techs to fix the PCs that get farked). How many DO realize that they don't need to pay two ISPs, but still choose to do so because "AOL is so cool!"

    AOL has to be luring them in with a love potion. These customers are blind with devotion... how many of them refuse to load a decent antivirus program because "AOL covers that stuff" Gee, is that why your PC has more bugs than a Labor Day picnic? How many refuse to upgrade from dialup because they value their "simple" connection and don't want to deal with having MORE THAN ONE program for web browsing and email use (well duh, they're two different tasks, why not have two different programs?)

    Anyway... I've been resenting this bastard of a company for years, but here's what prompted me to write this story: Two days ago, a young couple bought a laptop from us and we set it up. Among other things, we load the antivirus of their choice and configure the system so that it runs more efficiently than it would straight out of the box. Not a big deal, but it is a bit more work with Vista. The PC was finished, sealed up, and given to the customer ready to be used on a cable internet connection. The couple takes it home, and as soon as it's out of the box, they slap an AOL disc in it and try to load that... which royally screws all of Vista's networking settings.

    Customer brings it back in, upset that they can't connect. No matter what, each time we try to use the NIC, the computer brings up a dialup connection. Two hours of tweaking and resetting go by, all the while we curse Vista at making this so difficult (would have been really easy to fix under XP). We finally come to the conclusion that, if this problem has an easy solution, we aren't going to figure it out in time to get any other work done. We nuke and pave. Set the computer back up, and have it ready to go again. Nearly half a day's work is lost in just re-doing work that wouldn't need redoing if it weren't for an idiot customer and A-O-HELL. All the while we're doing this, the customer is asking is to exchange the PC for a new one or just give a refund. Ha! Fat chance! This was YOUR fault, twit!

    The laptop was picked up late this evening. I did my best to wipe off whatever chemical AOL is coating these PCs with, but I swear, if they try to load AOL on there again, I am NOT redoing the work and am making sure that any return they attempt comes with a very hefty Idiot Tax. They've been warned that they don't need AOL and it'll just pooch the system again. Damn AOL.

    [By: linkv]
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  • They want their hands held while they surf the net. The internet has too many options for their brains and they all require initiative to find. If someone could come up with a simple portal site that had links to the things AOLers want (news, sports, chat, whatever else they use) and held their hand through the process, they could probably woo some AOL customers away. -thx1138
  • Lessee. MSN, Yahoo... All I can think of. Anyone else wanna have a go? -TechnoVampire
  • i always thought it existed in alcohol form... splaines coyote ugly and all those other " i can't belive i did that" moments -Harm
  • Brothers, we will now chant the holy script. AOL is the spawn of Satan. AOL is the spawn of Satan. AOL is the spawn of Satan. Amen. And now we take the holy handgrenade, removest thy holy pin and count to 3. 3 being the number . . . . -robbor
  • ...of times we will need to bash these NIMRODS back to the C=64 age! -ShujinTribble
  • Don't think it's as much a love potion as a stupidity magnet... -garwain
  • I think MSN and AOL are the devil. Why does someone need a bastardized browser to get on the web, just with IE or firefox and use some web portal for your home page. -areatech
  • AOL must own a love potion. I'm in love with an AOL user. But AOL's love potion backfired :). She loves me too and she's now trying to convince her mother to switch off of AOL. -linuxmatt
  • TV: they still have to know those sites exist, and surf to them. They need their hands held more than that, like having an ISP distribute a browser with Yahoo or whatever coded as the default home page. Which many ISPs do. -thx1138
  • 132. Supervisor Epiphany

    It's funny... you would think that a call center supervisor , after having spent enough time on the phones himself, then having to QA the calls for his team, would have some basic understanding of what day-to-day troubleshooting would be like. For this reason, I liked three of the four supervisors I worked with while at CableISP. And yes, this story is about #4.

    It was THAT TIME again. Yes, monitoring time. #4 had decided that it would be best for his team if we shared the monitoring experience. When it came time to QA me, he would call me over to his desk and we'd listen together. Here's what happened:

    "Hi, I'm calling because my cable modem is down AGAIN!

    Certainly, let me help you with that. *verfies the modem is online. "Do you have a router, sir?"

    "Yeah."

    "Please unplug the modem and router. Okay, now pplug in just the modem.... Okay, now plug in the router."

    "Hey! It worked! Thanks!"

    With that, #4 switched to my other call. After, of course, asking why I didn't have him plug in both devices at the same time and "Wasting about 15 seconds of call time". I explained to him that the modem needed to connect before the router could do any good.

    "AH CAIN'T GIT ONNA INNERNET!"

    "I see. Do you have a router, sir?

    "I gots your mudum anna linskees thing."

    "Please unplug the modem and router. Okay, now pplug in just the modem.... Okay, now plug in the router."

    "It's back up, what'dyou do?"

    With that, #4 stopped the call and talked about what he'd just heard, while I explained to him how I used the tools on my desk to determine the modem's status without wasting time prying that info from the EU. With that, #4 became enlightened with the following:

    "So... from what I'm seeing here, it seems that you solve the same problems over and over again."

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • "Well...No shit" </Sgt. R. Lee Ermey> -h3x0n1c
  • Really? What was your first clue, Sherlock? -missourimule
  • Holy Crap, He's on to us!!!!!/runs -drachen
  • Standardized Networking System, Standardized Hardware, Standardized problems, Standardized Solutions. In other words, "DUHH!!!" -ShujinTribble
  • I hope the supervisor wasn't having an epiphany for automated support. -MrJay67
  • *smacks supervisor with flaming rusty Clue-By-Four* -Zimmerit
  • *smacks supervisor with flaming rusty Clue-By-Four* -Zimmerit
  • sigh - sounds like a typical Team leader. around here the sups were floor agents, and did just about everyjob including sup before actually being hired as one. We all felt ( as agents and more so now) thet QA is way outta touch and team leaders, are really just around for paper work. -Harm
  • Those who can, do. Those who cant, get promoted. -evolvedstarfish
  • THAT IS THE dejavu phrase - USE Otis NOW!!! -TheMacOne
  • 133. Now that's just funny...
    Microsoft rep came in today... handing out stress balls.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Were they his own? THEN it would be funny. -TechnoCat
  • Wouldn't it make us techs more relaxed by squeezing the balls of the programmers "credited" with writing $Componant_Part of MS-Windows. (To that end, the old Dilbert, "What's a 'KYBRD'?" joke would have a significantly different meaning.) -ShujinTribble
  • Did they have VISTA printed on them? -robbor
  • Did he give you product keys with them? You might have to activate them with the next service pack. -RamenMcTavish
  • Those stress balls need WGA installed. Don't worry about an internet connection - they're already connected, collecting anonymous user data (ie: strength being applied to stress ball, etc) :) -TheMacOne
  • 134. The Investor

    "Sir, if your camera cannot be repaired, then the next thing we can do for you is replace it."

    "With what?"

    "A camera of your choice, based upon the value you originally paid, in this case, $199."

    "Well... what if my camera has gone UP in value since then...?!??!"

    Buddy... it ain't an Elvis collector's plate, allright?

    [By: linkv]
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  • "If your camera has gone up in value, I recommend you sell it on eBay and use that money to buy a more expensive camera. Thank you for calling %camera_manufacturer, have a nice day! *click* idiot." -OgdenTechGuy
  • "You don't understand! I once took a picture with THIS camera of a guy that looked exactly like Prince William, except that he was black and had curly hair. Imagine the collector's value!" -TheGhost
  • Yeah, gone up in value and its broken..... is he a rocket scientent? -burrkiss
  • 135. A Banjo-Player Goes PC Shopping

    "Hi there, how are you doing today?"

    "Need a computer."

    "Allrighty then, I think I can help you with that. Did you have anything particular in mind?"

    He hands me a list. "Here's what I want! And it's gotta run WINDOWS VISTER!"

    Now, I'm new to this part of the country, so I just shook it off as some difference of accent and read through his notes:

    MUST HAVE:

    Pentium Processor

    1 GB memory

    Windows Vister

    Well, I'll be damned. He really was looking for "Windows Vister." Note to self: upon setting up his PC, be sure to change the startup sound to "YEEEE-HAAWWWW!!!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • He'll be very disappointed in vista's performance after he gets his computer. MSFT recommends at least 2GB of RAM and a decent graphics card for optimal performance. -cecil36
  • And the secret to Billy Gates wealth is revealed: sell something that idiots would buy. -TheGhost
  • No.. while this will confirm that I am old, I think what you really need is the Windows 95 theme pack for Redneck Rampage. I don't remember much about it except for the delete sound being a toilet flush and the critical error sound being a wave file that said "My head hurts, my feet stank and I DON'T love Jesus." -virtualchoirboy
  • I just saw an advert for Vista Superduper A Number 1 Supreme (or whatever the hell its called) for $499 Cdn. And that isn't a typo. -ThinTheHerd
  • The real price of Vister: http://www.cs.auckland.ac.nz/~pgut001/pubs/vista_cost.html -Stryker One
  • You sure that was a "V" - 'Vister' and not an "F", ............ -ShujinTribble
  • Service Pack 1 for Vista is already being tested... and is expected to be released in the third quarter of 07. I think this is a first even for MS: a service pack in alpha even before the formal release date... -chazz
  • Should we be worried or relieved that the first service pack is already being tested before the product is released? -Wraith556
  • I think it's WORSE that there is AT LEAST 1 Zero-Day Exploit available for Vista -ShujinTribble
  • 136. I wanna see! (slightly OT)

    You know, when my mom first started letting me go shopping with her, she taught me what I thought was a very simple lesson: until you’ve paid for something, it’s not yours and you can’t treat it as such. Therefore, if you see something that interests you, you can’t open it, play with it, or otherwise maul it. Why is it, then, that so few people understand this concept?

    A *GROWN MAN* comes into the shop today, and picks up a pack of CD labels (the kind that are applied with a “Stomper” tool). It’s in a blister package, the plastic ones that can only be opened through great force and can’t be resealed. He takes the package of CD labels up to my desk and proceeds to rip it apart and paw through it. This is in full view of me, so it’s not like he was trying to steal it, he just wanted in. In one swipe, the package was shredded.

    With an eyebrow raised, I ask “Can I help you with that, sir?”

    ”No, no, I just wanted to see what was in this.”

    ”Yes, well, I appreciate you coming in, but please don’t open the products, sir.”

    ”I just wanted to see what’s in it.”

    What do you mean, you gotta “see what’s in it?” They’re frelling CD labels, what’s to see? ”I understand, but any of us would be happy to help you with…”

    ”I gotta see what’s IN it before I BUY it! If I opened it and it wasn’t what I wanted, would you take it back?”

    ”But of course. We only ask that you don’t open it because, once the seal is broken, it’s no longer considered a new item and must then be disposed of.”

    ”Yeah, well, if I open it BEFORE I buy it, then I don’t gotta bother bringing it BACK, isn’t that RIGHT?”

    ”Sir, once you open that package, it’s been ruined for other customers. Now, out of respect for those customers, we ask that you PLEASE do not open it.”

    He grimaced at me, growled, and slapped the labels down at the nearest register. This is what drives me crazy… even when someone else is behaving like a spoiled child, *I’m* the asshole because I’m telling them the way the rest of the civilized world works.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Four words: "You just bought it." Let him think about the meaning of the words as you feel around for your 9mm. -adarklite
  • you open it, you bought it. -Harm
  • Destruction of private property. I would have called the police and give them the Camera Tape so they can ID him...just to be an ass. -Acidstyle77
  • Sir, I want you to see this...it's called Otis. Smile....<TINK!> -vacuumtubes
  • "Hey, Georgie? 'You Broke It - You Bought It'!"</This Hour Has 22 Minutes> -ShujinTribble
  • Yeah, that's the ticket. As soon as he rips it open, ask him how he'll be paying for it. -NightSteel
  • Just out of curiosity, are your blister packs clear? I had a girl complain that the picture was different then the product, and she felt ripped off, despite the fact that the packaging was *clear* and you could see every side of the product. -beerman
  • I hate parents who let their kids eat stuff while they are in the supermarket. They sit them in the trolley and feed them grapes or sweets then when they get to the checkout forget to pay. Lineswine jnr knew he was not allowed to eat it until it was paid for. Far as i'm concerned it's stealing. -LadyLineswine
  • CD has seen that as well LadyLineswine...kids in stores eating sweets and crisps out of multipacks and then their lazy-assed parents not paying for them. It's theft however you look at it. Still funnier was the time I got caught behind a guy at the supermarket queue who was arguing with a manager that it was perfectly okay for him to 'sample' the spirits before he bought any. Apparently he'd opened 5 different bottles of scotch and was refusing to pay. -CommanderData
  • LadyL, not only as far as you're concerned -- but as far as the law is concerned, too! It's called "shoplifting" to take something and not pay for it. Also "theft," "burglary," and "stealing." IT AIN'T RIGHT! -Captain Trips
  • On the other hand - if a package is able to be opened without breaking any seals, I will get the user's manual out and read through it. I haven't had any complaints about my actions so far. Of course, I usually ask too. -Kid
  • At Wally World, sporting goods has a particular gun cleaning kit that I take a fancy to. I like the case it comes in; its a sort of Zero-Halliburton looking aluminum slim case. I'd chuck the gun stuff into a bin and keep the case personally. I went through there today to have a look at the price; I found the paper packaging and the gun cleaning stuff scattered all over the shelf and the aisle. Apparently, someone decided they wanted the case only, so they helped themselves to a 5 finger discount. Apparently walked right out with it too, no questions asked. Worst part is, this aisle faces the counter directly, and two camera bubbles above. Don't know how they missed it. -RamenMcTavish
  • 137. Three Strikes!

    A guy in his late thirties came in to look at networking products. He was particularly interested in Slingbox accessories (a Slingbox is a device that allows you to stream your TV to your PC over the internet). He's looking at a Slinglink ( http://us.slingmedia.com/page/slinglink.html ) and appearing very confused. So, I approach him and offer help.

    "Hi there, how are you doing today?"

    "Uhhh... yeah. I've got one of these SlingThings, and I'm trying to connect it to my wireless network. Will this do it?"

    See, the thing that isn't obvious to a non-techie is that, while this is marketed as a "wireless" device, all it does is re-route the ethernet signal through your home's power lines, much like the "wireless phone jack" systems. "Not quite. While it is 'wireless' in that it eliminates the cable going from your Slingbox to your router, it doesn't transmit anything on the 802.11 standard your wireless network uses. All this does is take that physical connection your current cable has and sends it through your house wiring." I turn the box to show him the illustration of how this thing plugs in.

    "Uhhh... but it says 'wireless'."

    "Indeed it does. And like I said, it is wireless in that it does eliminate the need for the cable you have now. But, there are many kinds of wireless transmissions, and it doesn't work off the same standard as your WiFi Router."

    "I wanna connect my Slingbox to my Wireless."

    "There are devices that will do that, this just isn't it."

    "Um, ok, I'll just look around a bit." I can see that I've greatly offended him in telling him something other than what he wanted to hear.

    So, I wander over to the other end of the store and attend to some TPS reports. When I return, I can see that he's called MajorKira over to him. MajorKira is our Shop Tech Lead, and is absolutely fantastic to work with. She knows her job in and out, and always -ALWAYS- has my back when I get into a tight spot.

    As I wander over, I can hear her picking up where I left off. "...Yeah, this is like one of those 'wireless phone jacks' people use for Tivo and dial-up internet, it's just designed to work with your Slingbox cable instead of a phone line. But, it won't transmit right to your router."

    He's not satisfied. I had made the mistake of telling him something he didn't like. MajorKira, on the other hand, made the mistake of being female. Both of us had irritated him by our foolish ways. "Um, that's okay, I'll just look around a little bit." he said as he brushed us off, and the two of us went back to work.

    Now, MajorKira and I were the only people in the PC department at the time. We were also the most experienced techs on staff at that point in time, so this guy had already spoken to the two people who were most qualified to help him. Both these people gave him the same answer and he didn't like it either time.

    Well, enough foreshadowing, you all know what's coming. Our resident car audio guru wanders by. He's older and has a great personality, and male, so our suctomer figures he's FINALLY found someone who can help him. He calls CarGuy over, and asks him the same question. Of course, CarGuy doesn't have a frelling clue what he's looking at, but he explains this nicely and says "Well, sir, I have to be honest with you, I work in car stereos and I don't want to tell you the wrong thing. Let me ask my two experts over here..." and he gestures to MajorKira and I, standing not ten feet away, smiling. CarGuy unknowingly waves us over.

    I give a big smile and wave back. "Oh, I'm sorry, CarGuy, but he's already asked both of us, and we answered his question quite sufficiently."

    CarGuy knows a bullshitter when he sees one. "Hey, buddy, what else can we do for you?" he asks. Suctomer puts down the Slinglink, hangs his head, and walks out.

    [By: linkv]
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  • would it have been to hard for you guys to show the customer the device he was actually looking for? true it wouldn't have been funny but come on the guy is obviously out of his depth and needed help......<breaks his straight face> DAMNIT I almost went throught the whole speech without laughing. HAHA nice going on that one. <secretly hopes that wasn't his dad> -drachen
  • drachen, I'd put money on one of two things being the case.. either 1. they didn't *have* what he needed, and that's why the customer was intent on what he could see, or 2. they *did*, and it was more expensive, which is why the customer was intent on the other one. -NightSteel
  • Nightsteel- I owe you a cheeseburger. Yes, the proper device is one that do carry (on paper, at least), but which we never have in stock. Dunno why... -linkv
  • You mean a wireless gaming adapter? Or an access point that can run in client mode? Or is there something else on the list? (I've used both, and both work, but I prefer the copper wire myself thankyouverymuch) -ralphp1024
  • Sounds like Slingblade was trying to buy a Slingbox. -Stryker One
  • I was worried CarGuy would try to BS this guy and get him to buy what he didn't need. -kman52000
  • 138. If TSC Ran the World... (open poll)

    You know, it seems that when one of us posts about a fucknugget of high caliber, such a posts gains a lot of responses, and often results in us trying to figure out what's wrong with the world. This seems to happen on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Hey, I'm not complaining, it's one of the things I like best about TSC!

    Well, I was wondering... what do you suppose it is about us techs that compels us to try and correct things in the big picture? Do we have some unique perspective on things? It'd be odd to think that we would, because TSC members come from very diverse political, philisophical, religious, and cultural backgrounds. The only common traits among us are a passionate love of technology. And from that, us TSCers are typically strong proponents of education and personal responsibility, and are very critical of people proud of their own ignorance (in any matter, not just tech). Also, we all seem to have a perverted streak, not sure if there's a connection there or not.

    So... Thought I'd open up this post as a mini-forum. Are TSC members better prepared to rule the world than the average politician? If so, why? :-)

    [By: linkv]
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  • Well, I'm all for turning the world into a Utopia, but the problem is, in my eyes it may require something of a Nuke-N-Pave protocol. *loads a fresh magazine into his USP40* "Anyone capable of being president should on no account be allowed to do the job." - Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy -Seamus
  • Pure ego. I just like being Right. If I've just solved a problem, then I was Right about what it was, and what the solution was. -FredKlein
  • ...that was my answer to 'what compels us'. As to 'should TSC rule the world?', I vote 'yea'. Anyone who works with computers (and not just 'cuz they have to) shoul dhave the ability to look at situations logically. Too much time/money/effort is wasted today being 'politically correct' or 'sensitive' or just being illogical and/or stupid. A 'techocracy' would stop all that, with our leaders using logic and smarts to solve problems instead of appease the politically correct group of the day. . . or something. -FredKlein
  • What compels us????? Love of puzzles and the need to solve them, bringing a little bit of order to the chaos. Or maybe we just don't fit anywhere else. have you ever seen such a motley crew? No we shouldnt run politics. None of us could choke down that much bs! -thatgirl
  • Robert Heinlein had some very refreshing ideas about government, including the idea that there should be two houses of government -- one that creates laws, but requires a two-thirds majority to do so, the other exists solely to strike them down, and requires only a one-third minority to do so. If a law is hated by as many as 1/3 of the population, is it not a bad law? Similarly, where someone lives is, perhaps, about the least important thing about them... perhaps your representative ought to work on a signature basis -- anyone with a thousand verified signatures has one vote, and a constituent can remove a signature at any time, THat way you will always know that your representative truly represents you, and if he doesn't, take your signature to one who does. But even he did not think that a goverment of scientists would be a good idea (_Starship Troopers_) -- while we may have ideas on how to run things, they wouldn't be popular, and governing is a matter of coercing the masses to follow instructions. That said, I would be quite happy to have a worldwide breeding limit (one per person, ergo two per couple) and additional birthrights granted for survival characteristics like intelligence (thank you Larry Niven). -chazz
  • What do we have in common? I'd like to think "Intelligence, logic, problem solving skills, tanacity, a lack of ego & finally, common sense". -lineswine
  • "...strong proponents of education and personal responsibility, and are very critical of people proud of their own ignorance... (in any matter, not just tech). Also, we all seem to have a perverted streak...." I think that pretty much sums up what we all have in common. -FixitWench
  • FredKline says "pure ego" and Lineswine says "lack of ego." I'm afraid this is a rare instance where I have to disagree with Lineswine. -concept14
  • I think it all comes down to one tiny little difference... common sense. I know people with common sense who are technologically inept, but they can figure out what they need to. On the flip side, I know plenty of "techs" without a modicum of common sense and they are the ones who give us all a bad name. In my 39 years on this planet, I have noticed less and less people displaying common sense as time goes on. It's a pity that common sense is so uncommon these days. -LadySharky
  • I believe that techs tend to be problem solvers. That and the fact that I refuse to be outsmarted by an inanimate object. Techs for World President! -Grembo
  • And I nominate OTIS for VP -Grembo
  • You'll find out how well I'd be at ruling the world once I finish the device I'm working on in my garage. <BFEG> Muahahaha! (Be quiet Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.) -maciarc
  • I could rule.. but am 2 L337 -HappyCrappy
  • Eh, not *rule* so much (the hassle!), but it'd be nice to be able to implement some fairly heavy anti-nugget changes every fifty years or so. -Geminii
  • Concept 14: By that statement "lack of ego", I mean that I've come across managers etc. who will carry on with a bad plan, simply 'cos it's THEIRS. A competent tech would NEVER do that, letting the facts run the plan. "I'll swap the power supply on this PC, because I SAY it is that, NOT because the symptoms tell me the NIC is busted" is something I'd never want to hear a tech say. -lineswine
  • earth.exe is corrupted. Reboot universe Y/N? -ThinTheHerd
  • "Common Sense" seems to be the best explanation in my opinion. In *MY* case, however, I don;t think anyone would like my first three orders of business: 1) Go through EVER law on the books and boil them down to their most basic elements (ie: stealing BAD!) 2) Do NOT strike some other country in ANY way unless they strike us first and 3) IDE shal be replaced with SCSI as the drive technology of choice! -ShujinTribble
  • The way things are going, our corporate leaders are going to outsource any source of common sense anyway. Why not shift from a poorly paid, neglected and abused position to one where you are highly paid to neglect and abuse others? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • The main reason none of us should be put in charge is BECAUSE: we "do not play well with others!", we are prone towards being violent or at least dream about it, we think most of humanity stinks, etc., etc. Sorry gang, but I just couldn't imagine a world full of just us techno-dweebs. We'd get bored with no one to laugh at! -TubPorsche
  • I do not love technology. As a matter of fact, I freakin hate these damned contraptions!!! But I hate people more so if given a choice of dealing with stupid (yet always logical?) computer problems versus fixing PEOPLE (AAAAHHHH!!!!).... whatta you think I'm gonna do? I also believe I'm a perfectionist and therefore I have a better chance of obtaining nirvana in this field (um yeah right). And in our minds, once the patient is beyond reasonable hope, destroy and rebuild. Perhaps Iraq needs to be nuked and paved but what do we do about New Jersey? Pave that swamp and the trapped gases would blow up the world! Now, I have no culture, politically affiliation, or religion. I prefer to be alone in my dark room with my green screen and be left the frig alone! That, perhaps, is a common thread. EDUCATION???? Education is what has corrupted all those SF! Give a schmuck a PHD and a PC and you get one big ass fish! I'll go along with the pervented streak thou. So no, I don't wanna rule the world. Too many morons picketing outside my bedroom window. My rules just don't work for everyone. Therefore I'll rule my little world and let everyone else destroy what's outside. -gemachte
  • frankly techs DO have an uncommon insight and prespective, We make the nessisary mechamnism of the world work, every product more complex than a paperpack novel has a technical support contact hence someone that knows how $object works and how it dosn't work, and whats possible or plauseable, and due to the nature of the beast, usually tech have over developed critical thinking skills as well as habitual drive to self educate on more things thaat can be related to a given problem, furthermore techs do not hold any part of their employeer as their identity, an ISP tech will work just fine if need be with other ISP'S techs, or an OEM's tech or even a companys IT department, this is usually due to an unspoken understanding that we are al speaking the sam language, for example" i am not $dildo_provider technical support and helldesk, i and technical support/hell desk @/for $dildo_providor". i belive this is due to the fact we can take our skill and simply switch employers in the industry and usually not have to learn a damn thing new. In relation to politics however i'd love to see the unenlighten masses have the world run on logical, plausable and OTIS as the trinity of which all laws and policy is based on, bwa ha ha ha, gimme my evil empire back! -SpitefulTech
  • We would be better than ANY politician FULL STOP. As a group, the world would run very smooth and all would be l33t. Also, the other reason is "Why not? Everyone else has had a crack at it and can't get it right." ;) -TheMacOne
  • I don't want to rule the world. Hell, I don't even want to try to fix it. I'll keep an eye on myself. Anyone who fucks with me or my family goes down. This should be the rule, not the exception. -Bobsentme
  • Helldesk and I were discussing this, and we came to the unanimous conclusion that any technician would do a far better job than an average politician...here's why...first, (Helldesk and I) think it should be manditory for every person who tries to buy a computer, to take an iq test. Second, if a person or persons leave thier own country to work in another and make a better life for themselves, welcome home...but learn the language of the country you move to, do not require the country you move to to speak yours, the fcc should be disbanded (except for that part about not interrupting and taking over airwaves from other stations) if you don't like what you are watching or listening to or you don't want your kids to see or hear it CHANGE THE STATION, people would no longer be rewarded for being lazy and irresponsible and be afforded luxuries that are being paid for by hard-working people who earn an honest income. There are about a thousand other issues that we discussed and how we thought that techs would do better jobs...everything from abortion issues to stem cell research (a personal favorite). I think, maybe techies should unite and make their own party, but I don't think the 'tired of taking all of your sh@#$, so we're going to do something about it' party would go over too well...ok, off of the soapbox now. -persephone
  • " Techs for World Leadership - because you really don't have a choice." - i think we could run and win on that platform. -Harm
  • 139. Monitor Shopping

    So, Jiminy Assnugget comes in, ready to upgrade his PC's monitor.

    "So, like, do you guys sell just the monitors by themselves?"

    Nope, we got out of the "selling stuff" game a while back. Now we just sit the monitors out on the shelves and expect them to pay rent. Heeeeeeeeeeere's your sign! "Why yes! All the monitors you see here are available for sale."

    "I got one of those big monitors, can I get one of those flat ones?

    "Well, sure, take a look at these LCDs over here."

    I show him to a small monitor display, where someone had left a program running on the demo computer. Several clickable buttons were visible.

    "I don't know much about these newer monitors..." he says as he admires the LCD. He looks at the program, and its 'Next' and 'Cancel' buttons beckon to him. "Is this a touch-screen?" he asks, as his hand lunges for the panel....

    POP! He pokes the 'Cancel' button with all his might. The monitor ripples in a psychadelic orgy of eplileptic fun. He's taken aback, genuinely pissed that I tried to sell him this obviously unstable piece of equipment. "WELL! I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL!!!" he gasps as he turns and leaves.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Sounds like the SF is a trekkie. -Wraith556
  • I think it's more that ordinary people are starting to suppose that it's reaching Clarke's limit - it's mostly 'magic' to them. -namor
  • Tech passed the SFian Clarke limit a long time ago. Roughly around the invention of fire. -Veinor
  • "Hello, Computer..." [/Scotty] -Dante668
  • I think this is the point where he needs to be shown your stores large catalog of LARTs..."they're right this way sir"...*tink* -EtherRabbit
  • My policy is finger prints on TFTs and I remove the offending fingerprints from the source. -r3tude
  • My policy is finger prints on TFTs and I remove the offending fingerprints from the source. -r3tude
  • I'll reply to my own double post first, HAHAHA double post!!! -r3tude
  • "You just damaged the monitor, sir, and you now must buy it!" -Dr Jerkyl
  • Reply: "Well, sir, if you don't like THAT, wait until you hear about our company's 'You broke it, you bought it' policy..." -TechnoCat
  • 140. TSC Cliffs Notes

    Just for fun, I thought I'd present this story in a more condensed and cram-friendly format. Let's see how it works:

    1) Prick-of-a-Customer buys a laptop. He buys it with only a manufacturer's warranty, not a vendor warranty. A significant amount of time after it's too late to return the laptop, he has problems.

    2) The manufactuer tells Prick-of-a-Customer to go fuck himself.

    3) Prick-of-a-Customer comes in, talks to my manager, and Bossman says "Why sure, we'll take good care of you, and do whatever it takes to get your computer serviced."

    4) It is at this point I finally become involved. Bossman turns Prick-of-a-Customer over to me, with explicit instructions to not do anything outside of policy. I am not to authorize a return, perform any warranty repairs (which the manufactuer needs to authorize), or exchange it. I am allowed to process it as defective only if the manufactuer will accept a return on it.

    5) I check the manufactuer. The laptop is too far out of production. It can't be returned, only serviced. The manufactuer has declined to service it, so...

    6) I call Prick-of-a-Customer with this information. I inform him that we have no authorization to service his laptop, and his only option will have to be to contact his OEM again. Prick-of-a-Customer is constantly interrupting me, talking over me, and arguing with me. I know he's not in a happy situation, but I get the distinct impression he's the type of person who gets off on being unreasonable and demanding a NEEEWWWW MOUUUUSEEE!!!

    7) I inform Prick-of-a-Customer that I am not attempting to argue, I'm simply outlining what option he does have. He calls me a liar and worse. Meanwhile, I check up on his purchasing history. He's not exactly a customer that brings in a great deal of money. It is at this point that customer reveals my Boss' promise to do whatever it took to get the situation resolved. With a BFEG, I again inform customer that there are absolutely no options to help him.

    8) Realizing I'd been set up, I stoke the fire a few more times, and pass the call back to Bossman, since he clearly was so eager to help Prick, and didn't want to give me the same opportunity. I walk away and leave him to take the heat.

    [By: linkv]
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  • My only question. Who got intimate with the aluminum justice first, Prick-of-a-Customer or dumb ass Manager? -Wolffarmer
  • linkv asks vt for Otis. linkv is second in line. linkv can't wait and uses prick's laptop to deliver a message to bossman. "Something's better than nothing", says linkv. -TheMacOne
  • Otis says <Tink!> PoaC's laptop says <Crunk!> Except for the fact that the laptop would make your hands sting a little more than Otis would, I'd call it even. -chazz
  • 141. Business Card Rapist

    This is the guy who comes to YOUR job, and wants you to take his business card, and he won’t take “No” for an answer.

    *Filling out a Customer Info sheet* ”Thank you sir, and could I have your name?”

    *slaps a business card on my sheet* ”There, you can just take all the info from that.”

    ”Oh, well thank you.” I fill out all the required info—name, address, contact number, etc. This particular rapist is a realtor, though they come from all professions: stockbrokers, financial advisors, IT “consultants”, bankers too. ”Okay, all set.” I say as I file my paperwork and hand the customer his card with his receipt.

    ”Oh, you can keep that card.”

    ”That’s okay, I have all the information I needed, thanks.”

    ”Take my card, you might need my help.”

    ”I appreciate that, but I’m really not going to be buying or selling a home anytime soon.” This is a very significant understatement.

    *holding the card at arm’s length, right in front of my face* ”See this? This is what I do! I sell houses, and everyone needs a house at some point. Take my card, you might need it!!! TAKE MY CARD!!!”

    Yikes, dude. “No” means ”no”.

    [By: linkv]
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  • take it, and while in front of him, rip it and round file it. When he asks why you did that, remind him you didn't want it in the first place and you gave him a chance to take it back. -srteach
  • I'm pretty sure I saw an episode of the simpsons where Homer does something like that, did he happen to be yellow and bald with 4 fingers and a big gut? -dyingtech
  • Nope, can't say that he was. And, like I said, I've had this happen from lots of different bid'ness-men. -linkv
  • If after ripping you get the , "Whyforyoudothat?!" just answer, "I don't have a fireplace." -ShujinTribble
  • If after ripping you get the , "Whyforyoudothat?!" just answer, "I don't have a fireplace." -ShujinTribble
  • wait.... wtf?! -ShujinTribble
  • Double tapped that. -burrkiss
  • And WHY is it that when BURRKISS says "Double Tap" I'm just not thinking of firearms? Burrkiss, you EVOKE evil, don't you? -Divinar
  • Looks like we have a co-poster type: Shujin, the double-tapping rapist! -exzyle2k
  • Solution, two items: German Shepherd, Aluminum Justice.... -vacuumtubes
  • "....that's, 'Therapists', Mister Connery." -ShujinTribble
  • burn the card in front of him. -postal tech
  • Ah, the business card... such a VITAL tool to anyone with something (or someone, such as theymselves to marketeerr) to youse to compete for with others such as themselves for your services... an item worth, even at the cheapest lost, only a few cents (shipling/happling not includeded), and yeat VIT$AL$$$$ to beating out the competition 4 ur buziness... Hello, all!!! -MadJack
  • And, these VITAL44$$44 marketing tools that thay $$$ so much to have on thyme, they GIVE AWAY after all that co$$$t and aeffort$$$$... isn't it ironic, dontcha htink... (waidaminit, why doez I still jear Alanis still $singing? wasn't that thuesday or somefink... Hello, all...) -MadJack
  • Ultimate Funny Lart for this type: Keep a voodoo doll handy under the counter. Pin the card to it and start chanting over it, then jam a big a$$ pin or letter opener into its eye..Announce to him "Your Soul Is Mine Now!!" -ChildofCthulhu
  • The technologist side of me says that we need a dedicated business card shredder for JUST this occasion! It should be blue translucent plastic with a row of blue LEDs that scroll as the card is consumed! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 142. But.... But... How Much?

    This started out as a Customer Misconception, but it spiralled into a full-fledged story. So, here goes:

    Customer Misconception: If I don't knwo the answer to your question, asking me six different times will suddenly grant me an epiphany. More importantly, it'll keep you from having to do any work of your own.

    The 'nugget calls me on the phone, asking "Yeah, I gotsa git a new computah. How much canna git for a trade-in?"

    "Well, I'm afraid that's not up to me. All our trade-in quotes are done through a form on our website. Just go to our website, click on 'Trade-ins', and it'll give you a form to list what your computer has. Then, it'll tell you what it's worth as a trade-in."

    "Wheredatat?"

    "It's right on our website, just go to our website and click on 'Trade-Ins'".

    "Wheredatat?"

    "It's on the site, just click on 'Trade-ins'?"

    "Wheredatat? Near the top, or bottom, or what?"

    "It should be near the bottom"

    "Okay." *click*

    Now, stupid me, I think I'm done. But, it's only a few mintues later the phone rings again. "Yeah, I can't find onna thing that says 'Trade-in'." This is why I hate discussing our site over the phone. It always boils down to me trying to help someone find something right in front of them. Do I look like Magellan or what?

    I'm having nothing to do with walking them through our site. "Well, if you're having trouble, one suggestion I could offer you is to bring in your current computer and we could fill out the online form here. Granted, you would still have to take it back home and mail it to our trade-in distribution center, but we could make sure you entered in all the data correctly."

    "I just wanna know how much I git fo' a trade-in!" Oh, smashing. I hadn't figured that out yet.

    "Well, like I said, we have little control over that in this store. All I can do is help you fill out the form.

    "But how much do I git?

    "Well, it depends on the age of your PC. How old is it?"

    "'Bout 12 years old."

    "Oh, well, I'm sorry to say that a machine that old will not get much trade-in value. Most machines I see that old will be appraised at $50-$100, or possibly nothing at all."

    "So, $50-$100."

    "Yes. At best."

    "So, like, $60?"

    "That is an amount between $50 and $100, yes."

    "So, I bring in my compootah, an' you gimme $60 credit?" Oh, I can see where this is going. I give this guy a 'fer instance' scenario, and two hours later he'll be at the front desk, insisting what I told him was a binding contract.

    "Like I said, I don't know, it's not up to me. I'm simply saying what I've seen in the past. You might not get anything at all. The only way to know for sure is to go to our website and fill out the form."

    "But... how much do I git?"

    "For a machine that old, I don't know. Like I said, I wouldn't expect anything over $50-$100."

    "So, I bring in my comptootah, and you gimmie $60?"

    Bat! Now!

    [By: linkv]
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  • Just say yes. That'll get him within bat-swinging distance easily. -namor
  • Yes...a bat with many many rusty nails in it, aim for a non vital area...let him hobble away and then finish him! -RandalGraves
  • Or you can play it safe, and tell the *fish that based on the information you've got, it might only be 39 cents... BUT he might have more luck if he fills out the form, because when THOSE people review the form, they might give him more. Then when he asks, "Howmuchmoah?", keep telling him, "idunno!" After all, you DON'T know! -Voz
  • Somebody thinking theft goods? -Dr Jerkyl
  • "No." -Geminii
  • "Sir, I don't know how much my company will give you for your 12-year-old shitbox. Me, I'll give you bus fare for it. I need a doorstop." -MeanDean
  • 143. You Just Sodomized My CD Player!

    Now that I have time to sit down and make a proper post, I thought I'd elaborate on the EUPOTD I posted here: ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=61638 )

    Now, I know this will sound kind of starfishy, and truth be told it isn't the brightest thing I've ever done, but it was totally and completely accidental. You see, it was totally dark and I couldn't see what I was doing, so I just had to feel my way through. And it just got in the wrong hole. Or, to be more exact, Wags and I were driving home late at night, and I thought I'd be nice to have a little music. We were on the interstate and had no real lighting around. I took a CD out of her visor and went to put it into the CD player... and it was so dark I couldn't see the entry at all. I found a slit, pushed the CD in, and was remarkably surprised at how easily it slid in. Only, the display showed no sign of having a CD inserted.

    Wondering what was wrong, I turned on the reading light (yes, I could have done this before, but at the time I didn't think I'd need help doing something as trivial as inserting a disc, give me some credit!) and by process of elimination, figured out what happened-- somehow I managed to slide the CD into the empty space just above the intended slot. It had found its way into the dash, and is now stuck in there. When she asked me what I was doing, she thought I was nuts.

    "I'm sorry, dear, but it was dark and I slid it into the wrong hole..."

    "You just sodomized my CD player!!!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • "I'm sorry, dear, but it was dark and I slid it into the wrong hole..." So, to start the comments off wrong, and I'm sorry, but then she's heard this excuse before... good response, though, sounds like a keeper. -namor
  • You just have to find a woman who doesn't consider it the "wrong" hole! </weg> -SalParadise
  • Ungh Groan.....damn you tight girl........WRONG HOLE FOOL!!! -burrkiss
  • A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" -burrkiss
  • "There *is* no wrong hole." </MatriXXX> (OK, I don't know if there is such a movie - If not, there *should* be) -Divinar
  • squish. -vacuumtubes
  • 144. Seen it coming.

    Customer brings in laptop. Laptop boots to XP login screen. Cust never assigned herself a password, yet one is now protecting the system.

    I ask customer if a password could have been set up unintentionally, by another user on the system or by installing some software.

    Customer replies no, nothing like that happened.

    Standard XP password cracking tools are used, to no avail. Theorize that Windows is at least slightly corrupted.

    Customer tells us that issue occurred after she tried to reload Windows. Upon further inquiry, she only tried to reload XP on top of the previous install, did not do a FFR. Previous theory of Windows being royally pooched is vindicated.

    Inform customer of this, and that there is a better way to reload her OS.

    Customer rolls her eyes at all the work involved, then says "Yeah, this all started happening after I loaded that AOL security software..."

    Yep, Rule #1 still in effect...

    [By: linkv]
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  • You could always install one of the Vista betas on it.... I doubt she'd notice the difference.... -angrymacface
  • 145. Can't Say That I Do, Ma'am

    "From what I can see on my end, I do not think our signal is reaching your modem. In this case, the best thing to do is schedule a technician to check it."

    "You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!!! That's JUST RIDICULOUS!!!"

    "Ma'am, I can understand how you feel. I wouldn't want to be without my internet connection either. It must be very frust--"

    "NO, YOU **DON'T** KNOW HOW I FEEL! DO YOU FEEL THE SICKNESS IN MY STOMACH?!?! DO YOU FEEL THE BILE RISING IN MY THROAT!?!?!?!?! CAN YOU TELL ME HOW MY PULSE IS POUNDING!?!?! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!!!!!!"

    [By: linkv]
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  • I suspect menopause. -viennasausage
  • maa'm that is exactly the feeling I'm feeling, I have been feeling it for the last (insert length of phone call) now your problem is only temporary, unless you keep up this attitude. Then I will personally make it purmenent." "what do you mean by that?" "I'll transfer you to cancelations and you can cancel your account." "oh" "then they will kill you." -drachen
  • Can you say "internet addiction"? I knew that you could... -snowcrash
  • Sounds like either a WoW or a pr0n addict :P -RamenMcTavish
  • Can we say "Get a farkin life"? -lineswine
  • I think this is the definition of timeing and/or irony. SFW http://www.gocomics.com/foxtrot/2006/10/19/ -redevil34
  • I love clicking on offsite links and getting a popup that informs me that I need to clean my registry... just click here. Why does corporate america insist on making us use IE? WIN2000? COMPUTERS?!?!?!??!?!?!? Argh. -gemachte
  • AAAAAAAAAAH! WHY IS MY PULSE POUNDING AND MY THROAT IS SORE AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! -VIPERsssss
  • Buttplugs, VIPERsssss. Buttplugs. -viennasausage
  • 146. A customer program, in BASIC

    10 Customer buys cheap compootur for innernet

    20 Customer declines to buy antivirus program

    30 Customer doesn't bother to learn how to secure his system with free programs on the net.

    40 Customer spends the next 7 months using fileshaing software and visiting pr0n sites, loading it full of every bit of malware possible.

    50 Customer notices compooter is slow, curses store he bought it from, complains.

    60 Store techs show customer that compooter has become a digital petri dish.

    70 Store techs offer again to install antivirus program, and clean up current system.

    80 Customer, with his six functioning brain cells, notices the bill is rapidly approaching the $279 he initially paid for compooter.

    90 Customer decides the most cost-effective solution is to buy a new compooter.

    100 GOTO 10

    [By: linkv]
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  • ...and now you know one of the reasons WHY they sell the shitty systems so cheaply. They're becoming a disposable commodity. -Grue
  • I don't think that program can run on most of my customers - insufficient resources. -Divinar
  • I see this everyday. I want to give them my address and offer to cover shipping. "no, not the tv part, just the 'modem part'" - actually it is worse when I hear they just got the PC back and it cost $300 to fix their 450mhz W98 box. -JohnnyCache
  • We as a tech industry have no one to blame for this but ourselves. Stores and/or private techs want to charge people $70 just to even LOOK at a their machine, then $70/hour to fix what's wrong with it, and then we bitch because they'd rather throw away the old system and by a new one rather than fix the problem because it will cost the same?? Customer's are idiots, no doubt; but some repair businesses are just as idiotic. $280 for malware removal? That's just stupid. $50 to *maybe* $100 tops if I have to perform a bunch of registry editing. Either the tech repair industry needs to get off its damn high horse and start charging some reasonable hourly rates or they need to STFU about computers becoming a "disposable commodity." -RiffRaff
  • I've picked up a good many cheap boxes from people who bought new ones, laced them up with spyware, malware, viruses, et al, then tossed them in the junk when fixing them would cost too much. They give them to me, I nuke and pave, and all is well again with them. Thirty minutes and $50 for a basically new PC. I love my neighbors :P -RamenMcTavish
  • Why they haven't asked me to look at them, I don't know. They come up all the time and see those same boxes running like a top. -RamenMcTavish
  • Agree with RiffRaff. I'm not in the repair business per se, but I charge $20/hour for actual work for those outside of immediate family. I'll look at a PC and evaluate it for free however. Most issues that I see are usually in and out in under a couple of hours anyway. -RamenMcTavish
  • Or its like this: The same up to line 40 but with the following changes: 50 They call tech in to fix it and get told "like it is". 60 In some cases, get charged more than $279 to fix it 70 I'm happy :) 80 goto 10 if they haven't learnt their lesson -TheMacOne
  • At the store I work at nine times out of ten with a computer with mal ware on it we will do a nuke and pave.(I can only remember 3 times I didn't in 2 1/2 years). We charge $40 to look at it. $295 to back up data and re-install windows and drivers, and if you don't have a copy of windows thats $250 for WIndows XP Pro. So that is $595 for you average mal ware repair, yet people still pay it. All that and I, the only tech here, only get paid $13 an hour. Damn I need a better job. -vrek
  • Sounds like a reasonable response (for a SF). Spends as little as possible up front, abuse the poor thing, then abandon it at the first serious sign of trouble. Isn't that the American way? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I've thought about opening a used PC store that buys "broken computers," nukes & paves, then resells. The advantage of this vs a repair business is that you don't have to take orders from starfish who don't understand that n&p is easiest and who want to keep their pirated software & music. -SFStrangler
  • Riff: It's annoyance tax, plus inelastic demand. If people regularly hurled in their car despite being told not to, and you ran a car-detailing service, and people kept coming to you complaining about the barf in their car, you might very well say "OK, $500 a pop" just to shut them up. At least you wouldn't then have to spend all your time explaining that no, you didn't really want to spend all your time cleaning vomitus out of car seats, and that yes, you really would prefer that they took their stinky car elsewhere for that service. -Geminii
  • Partially agree with Riff but also with the buisness aspect as well. If prices go too far down, profit margins decrease to nearly nothing and shops get overwhelmed. Higher prices drive more sales and have a better margin, but cause annoyance and anger. The shop I used to work at had a labor cap of $79 nuke and pave of any non-server OS with only a $20 add on for data backup/restore. The only hourly charge was onsite services. It's a great model honestly but they're hurting for buisness even with that. -TheMage18
  • 147. The Long Version

    When you sell stuff, sometimes you run out of stock. It’s just a fact of life. My company has some very creative ways of getting products to a customer if we do happen to run out. We can get the product from another store, ship it direct from our warehouse, or even special order one from our distribution center. The only time we are truly unable to get something to a customer is if our distribution center runs out. When that happens, it’s usually due to a shortage on the manufacturer end (ie, new iPods, Xbox 360s a week after launch).

    In a case like this, where there is just absolutely no product to be had, our system will still let us put in an order for a customer, if they insist. I, personally, hate doing this. It’s not a great experience for the customer because we can’t give them any type of expectation as to when they’ll get their product. You basically have to say to a customer “Look, if we place an order for you like this, we have to take your money and we can’t give you ANY idea when you’ll see your product. It could be three days, it could be three months.” For this reason, we’ve made it a policy to minimize these types of transactions. I don’t want to send a customer away, but I know most of them aren’t happy with such a vague transaction. But… if the customer insists, and the manufacturer allows us, we *can* make the order.

    So, someone taps me on the shoulder and says there’s someone asking to speak to a manager. He apparently ordered a video card that had been out of stock due to a manufacturing shortfall. Our distribution center hadn’t had them in stock for two weeks. I breathed a small sigh of relief. I knew the guys that worked over in the video card section, and they were extremely professional about everything. I had no doubts that, if this guy special ordered this video card, they made it VERY clear why it was out of stock and what he could expect.

    ”Thank you for holding, this is Linkv, how can I help you?”

    ”Linkv, are you the manager?”

    ”Yes, sir.”

    ”Well, I ordered this video card two week ago, and it still hasn’t come in! I want to know when it’ll be there!”

    ”I understand your frustration. I wouldn’t want to wait two weeks, either. The card you’ve ordered has had a shortage on the manufacturer end. We won’t be getting more in until that shortage is resolved.”

    ”Well?!?! When’s THAT gonna be?”

    ”There’s really no way to say. In a situation like this, the manufacturer isn’t able to produce sufficient quantities to ship out. It could be due to a quality control problem, a materials shortfall, or just overwhelming demand. The best I can say is that, as of now, the card is still in production, so when they do ship more out, you’ll have the first one that arrives.”

    ”And when is THAT gonna be??”

    ”There’s no way to say. You see, sir, every product we sell gets sold by the manufacturer to our company’s distribution center. From there, we send the cards to your local store. I’m trying to explain that the card isn’t just out of stock at your local store, it’s not even in our distribution center. That means that there ARE NO CARDS in this entire company. The manufacturer simply hasn’t sent them to us.”

    ”Well, when are they going to do that?”

    ”I don’t know. We have no control over that stock until it’s sent to our distribution center. Until then, it’s entirely in the hands of the manufacturer.”

    ”So, who will know when those cards are going to arrive?”

    ”The manufacturer is the only one who can answer that. They’re controlling the production, and right now, they’ve had a shortfall.”

    ”I don’t accept your answer. I want to talk to your manager.”

    ”He won’t be able to tell you anything different, sir. I understand your frustration, but we have no control over this.”

    ”Put your manager on the phone!”

    My manager is actually standing over my shoulder, laughing his ass off. He gives me a thumbs-up. ”My manager is not available to take your call. You asked for a manager, I’m the one who is here to help you. What can I do for you?”

    ”If he’s not there, have him call me back.”

    ”There’s nothing he can do for you that I cannot. As I’ve explained, this is an issue beyond our control. Is there anything else I can do for you today.”

    ”You can let me talk to your manager.”

    This guy is apparently denser than a black hole, my manager shakes his head. I’m doing just fine, apparently. ”As I said, sir, he won’t be able to do anything for you that I cannot. The reason your card is out of stock is because the manufacturer isn’t supplying us with them. The absolute most any of us can do is refund your down payment.”

    … And that’s kind of where I started last time ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=61203 ) . Oh, and I got a high-five from my manager after hanging up on the dink.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Bravo! My "non-tech" version with that kind of a dweeb involves them calling the hotel's Front Desk for bar service a half-hour after the state says we have to close the bar. Any reference to, "is there anything else I can do for you" comes back with a profane cry of, "you can get me my mother******g bottle of wine!"- "I can't do that for you ma'am, that is against state law. Is there anything else I can get for you?" "F*ck you, get me my wine", etc. Staff members were amazed at the crap I could take without getting upset. My record was a call that went on for 45 minutes, although I admit that I was being sadistic with the drunk- I think I deliberately asked that id10t, "is there anything ELSE I can get you" about 12 or 13 times knowing what their response was going to be... -Voz
  • We ran out of cell phones to issue to the lawyers I work for. One new hire called to neep about not getting a phone. I tell her "we're out, they're on order, should be here next week. You're on the list to get one." She neeps and I repeat WE DON'T HAVE ANY several times until it sinks in. Then she wants to be pushed to the top of the list and I get to tell her that I have no control over that and she'll get one when her turn comes up on the list. -Starfury
  • <Elbows-on-desk, Monty-Burns-esque-Finger-Steepling-on-chin, Eyebrows-in-mocking-mirth> Eeeehhhhh-xcellent! </E-o-d, M-B-e-F-S-o-c, E-i-m-m> (Gotta close those tags, yaknow...) -ShujinTribble
  • ST: That's why I use the newer style-format tags. <style "Elbows=onDesk, Fingers=MontyBurnsStyleSteepleOnChin, Eyebrows=MockingMirth"> E-e-e-excellent. Smithers, make a note to send a small token of appreciation to linkv. Do we still have those fake plastic seashell beads? </style> -chazz
  • Oh, sure.. I suppose the good-old-fashione "BLINK" tag won't work on his "I"s too, huh? -ShujinTribble
  • High six! ... what? You say someone's looking for me? -namor
  • Shijun-- are you still busting my ass over last time, or did I miss another tag? The reason I ask is, everything looks good on my end... -linkv
  • Sounds like our SF... SF: "I see a UPS tracking # on my order, but UPS site only says 'Billing Information received'. I called theym and them say they haven't picked it up yet. Do you know when they'll pick it up?" "Only our shipping personnel and UPS know the schedule." "Let me speak to someone in shipping." "I'm sorry, they're not able to help you, they're far too busy attending to orders that need to be shipped." "But you said only shipping and UPS know when it'll be picked up." "That's correct." "But UPS hasn't picked it up yet!!!!" "EXACTLY!!!" <VH&EEK9G> -MadJack
  • ME?1 Bust your chops about non-closed tags? NOOooooooo! No no no No N-- yeeaaahhhsss..... -ShujinTribble
  • Ah, yes, the black & white calls. No shades of grey, and no room for a judgement call makes life simple, no? "I'm sorry, sir, that's against federal law, we can't do that." "Oh, c'mon, all policies have exceptions. Hook me up!" "You'll have to take that up with your local elected officials, sir."</transfers to the FBI> -missourimule
  • 148. A Quickie with Linkv

    "Linkv, I just don't accept your answer. I want to talk to your manager."

    "Sir, there is nothing he can do for you. Your issue is with an outside vendor, not our company."

    "I don't CARE! Then I want to talk to HIS manager! I'll keep going right up the line!!!"

    "Sir, there is NO ONE IN THIS COMPANY that can give you the information you're asking for. Until you get a response from that vendor, we have no further information."

    "I want to talk to your manager. NOW!!!"

    "Again, no one in this company will have the answers you're asking for."

    "*GRUNT* Linkv, listen, nothing you're saying to me right now has any meaning to me..."

    "Ah, okay then. Thank you for calling and have a great day!"

    "HEY!!"

    *click*

    Yeah, I could have given you the full backstory, but the only important part is the end. Hey, what did you THINK I meant by a "quickie"? ;-)

    [By: linkv]
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  • Well, I'll tell you this much. It was pretty good for me. Cigarette? -illiterate
  • need a light? -Harm
  • If you smoke after sex, you should use a lubricant. -ralphp1024
  • SURE its all ok as long as you get off, but what about me? -burrkiss
  • That closing was beautiful. Almost poetic. *deep sigh* -ThinTheHerd
  • Hell, *I* want the backstory... Now, GIVE, DAMNIT! Tribbey needs a good laugh! -ShujinTribble
  • I think enough of us have been there to be able to fill in the details ourselves! -Captain Trips
  • 149. Why every PC issue is not a DIY project

    Linkv the Tech Skunk picks up the phone one day...

    "Hi. D'Y'All have modems for da innernet?"

    "Yes we do. We install them as well."

    "Can I install it myself?"

    "Sure you can, as long as you're comfortable opening up your computer and loading some software."

    "How much are they?"

    *Looking at the inventory* "That depends... do you need an internal modem, or an external one?"

    "What's the difference?"

    Sadly, Linkv's trademark tail was no use over the phone.

    [By: linkv]
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  • well sir, look at your wife and your self, your genitles are external, and hers are internal. now my brain is internal and yours is under the couch. <click> -drachen
  • Do you want to void your warranty or erase your hard drive? -billybien
  • 150. How Not to Get a Job
    • It was a slow evening at RetailComputerStore. I was biding time until the end of my shift, doing little things like stacking software and filing some paperwork. A man hurried in, carrying several sheets of paper. That's a sign of an organized comparison shopper-- carrying ads from six different stores with them. Our store was just the next on their list. In any case, I started the conversation as normal:

      "Hi there, how are you doing today?"

      His eyes dart to me and quickly look away, without so much as a peep in response. I've previously posted about my disdain for people that can't even maintain the courtesy of a simple greeting, especially when money is concerned. Meh, it's okay, I let it slide. Besides, with customers that have been shoping awhile, I like to take a hands-off approach. They're more likely to want to think stuff over on their own.

      "Feel free to look around. I've got to get this stuff organized here, but if you have any questions, feel free to come tap me on the shoulder, okay?" I walk around the corner, making sure to stay in his visual range, just in case.

      Sure enough, about three minutes later, "Uhhh... yo..."

      I wander on over. He's holding up an ad from our Big-Name Competition down the street, comparing it to what we have. "Look, I got this stuff down the street. What's the difference between the two? Why is yours so much cheaper?"

      I look everything over. "Well, these are two different models by the same manufacturer. It's the same processor, same RAM, same screen size, same design. The only real difference is that ours has a slightly larger hard drive. I'd say ours is definately a better deal. It's $50 cheaper than the one you saw at [BigName Competition] and on top of that, there's a $100 manufactuer rebate this week."

      He looks at me with great skepticism, which was funny because the papers in his own hands proved everything I said. "That's it?" He asks, quizzically.

      "Yep, better system, less money."

      He was determined to get one up on me. "WELL...! Wouldn't you say that your competitor's system is offering a MUCH, MUCH better processor?!!?" He sounded almost indignant, as if he'd caught me in something.

      "Uhhh... no. Because, you see, the CPU in each one has the exact same processor number, so they'd be identical there too." I said as I pointed to the processor number of each. I'm not quite sure where he got his little brainstorm from, but I'd visibly deflated his attitude.

      "Allright, well, anyway, I'm gonna keep looking around." Suddenly, he perked up a smile. "Oh, by the way, do you guys make a good comission here? I think I could be a good computer salesman."

      My throat knotted and my eye twitched. "Nope, sorry, we're strictly hourly."

      His face sank. "Oh, that's a shame. I was sure I could make some good money on the side." Right, sure you could.

      Let's see:

      • Showing zero people skills, yet an acute interest in making easy money: -5 points
      • Showing no common courtesy during a business transaction: -15 points
      • Asking a question which, as an applicant, I'd expect him to be able to answer: -18 points
      • Getting smug without a clue to back it up: -5 points
      • Making an arse of yourself to the guy who will likely be the one to hire you: -20 points

      Looks like you lose, buddy. The last thing I need is another salesdrone-- I'll be watching the applicant bin carefully.

      [By: linkv]
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    • </UL></UL></UL></UL> JANE?! Close this crazy tag!!! -ShujinTribble
    • diamonds are a comment's best friend! -illiterate
    • Ooops... sorry if I forgot a closing tag *feels embarassed* -linkv
    • I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat: Rubbermaid File. -vacuumtubes
    • link - "IF"?!?!?! -ShujinTribble
    • Shujin has a personal vendetta against unclosed tags. It would be worse if they allowed us to use <blink> -illiterate
    • illiterate: I thougth the entire internets had decided that the blink tag was a hanging offense -DedSysOp
    • DSO - It is... Illiterate is trying to get hung. <?Whistles innocently....> -ShujinTribble
    • I suppose colors and <scroll> tag would also be bad? -illiterate
    • <blink>HA! HA! 1 8L1x0|23|} y0U|2 1n73|2w38</blink> ::from the LART shelter:: -VIPERsssss
    • Alright you sick puppies, don't make me post with Javascripts..... -TheMage18
    • "Sure... I hear the place down the street is hiring." -Geminii

    151. New Dell Commercial

    Sorry if this has been posted (if it was, I missed it, been busy), but Dell has a new TV ad for back-to-school season. It shows how their "built to order" computers can include anything you need. The different components are symbolized by characters-- a rock band for music, a teacher for schoolwork, etc. A big machine crams all these characters into the computer as Dell "adds" them.

    The funny part? One of the characters Dell adds is a purple gorilla.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Yep, this was posted before. It threw me when I saw it as well. -Bobsentme
  • I *like* bonzai buddy! *RUNS TO THE LART SHELTER BEING CHASED BY LARTS OUT OF HELL* (It's Friday, I feel like living dangerously) -modeski
  • modeski, I'm afraid I have to be the one to tell you..It's thursday. -drachen
  • Nah, he's on the other side of the sun ;) -evolvedstarfish
  • He's from 'Gor'?! (O_o) -ShujinTribble
  • holy shit Gor is a VERY obscure reference -burrkiss
  • and... interesting that you are familiar with it, Burkiss. Skilled in the whip caress, are we? -illiterate
  • I used to be a member of ActiveWorlds http://www.activeworlds.com/ Actually had my own world. The place got filled with fans of "Gor" and they all acted like total morons and drove a lot of good users away. -ch41nbr8kr
  • 152. Linkv Vs. Slavedriver

    I was having a good day on the phones of CableISP, when my headset beeped. A beep sounded, and then a woman came on the line with a matter of great importance.

    ”Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Linkv, how can I help you?”

    ”I’m trying to connect to YOUR SERVICE with my new computer, and it won’t work, even though YOUR TECHS said it would!”

    ”I’m sorry to hear that, Ma’am, what happens when you try to connect?”

    ”I called your TECH, and I SPECIFICALLY ASKED if I got a new computer, if I could use the internet card (babelfish: NIC) from my old computer into my new one. He said I could, but I’m trying it, and it doesn’t work. WHY DID HE LIE TO ME!?!?”

    ”I’m sorry you are having difficulty, ma’am. If your network card was working correctly on your old computer, there’s no reason it shouldn’t work on your new computer. What happens when you try to connect? Does it give you an error message?”

    ”HERE! I’m not going to bother with this! I’m going to give you to *MY TECH* and you two can work it out!” I groan, because chances are, if this “personal tech” was worth a damn, this lady wouldn’t be on my line. In the meantime, I pull up the notes on the account, and yes, the last call does mention her asking if her old card could be used in the new computer.

    A meek voice comes on ”H-h-hello?”

    ”Hello there, sir, my name is Linkv, I’m with CableISP’s support, how can I help you today?”

    ”I c-c-can’t connect. I installed the old card in the new computer, b-b-but it just doesn’t work…” What he really seemed to be saying was ‘Please fix this problem for me fast, or she’ll beat me again.’

    ”I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Here, go ahead and remove the power from the cable modem…” I walk him through a power cycle, which brings no success. I can see the cable modem is doing everything right, but there’s no computer registered on the other end. We then release/renew the IP address from within Windows. Nothing. We reboot. Nothing. So, it’s time to tackle the problem at the source: we go into the system properties and check the NIC. Sure enough, there’s none listed as being installed.

    ”Yeah, there’s nothing in that box.” Okay, cable modem is fine, PC is not. This is officially out of my realm of support. Anything I do from here on out is simply Linkv being a friendly critter.

    ”Then it seems your problem is in the network card. The computer does not recognize it as being installed. The installation may have had an error, or the card may have developed a defect. In any case, the card is beyond our scope of support, and I can’t get you online without a working card.”

    ”You mean, you c-c-can’t help me with this?” By the trembling in his voice, I could tell his master was preparing the cat-o-nine-tails.

    ”My only suggestion would be to try reloading the drivers from the card. I can’t say for sure if that’s the problem, but it fixes a lot of customers’ problems in this situation.” I say this on good faith, even though it’s out of scope, because as a tech, he should at least know what I’m talking about.

    ”H-h-how do I do that?” Oh, good grief.

    Slavedriver picks up the phone “NOW THIS IS RIDICULOUS! YOU HELP HIM NOWW!!!”

    ”Ma’am, as I just explained to you, the problem is out of our scope of support. That card is not a CableISP product, and we don’t have documentation on all possible issues that might occur with it. You would need to contact the manufacturer for troubleshooting of that device.”

    ”OH NO! YOU guys installed it!”

    ”That may be true, ma’am, but that was a courtesy service done at time your service was installed, two years ago. Support for that card is still done through its manufacturer. I have suggested to your tech to try and reload the drivers, that is the most help I can offer from here. ”

    ”Where do I get these DRIVERS from?”

    ”If you obtained the card from CableISP, our tech should have left a CD with it.”

    ”Well, he didn’t!!!” Translation: I’m too lazy to look. “Send someone out here to fix this NOWWWW!!”

    ”Ma’am, I’ve confirmed your modem is working fine. Your problem is with the card in your computer, which is not a product we support. If I send someone out for this type of issue, I will have to charge you a Field Technician fee, and I cannot guarantee that even then the problem will be resolved. I’ve suggested you contact the manufacturer of that card, which is far more likely to get this problem resolved!”

    ”YOU AREN’T GOING TO CHARGE ME ANYTHING! This whole situation is ALL YOUR FAULT! I bought this computer because YOUR TECH told me I could use my old internet card in my new computer, and if he LIED to me, then I just wasted ALL THIS MONEY on a laptop I CAN’T USE!!!”

    ”This is a laptop?”

    ”YES!!!”

    ”Madam, may I ask you something?”

    *Grunt* WHAT?!!?

    ”Is there a particular reason you need to use your old Ethernet card, instead of the one that’s probably built-in to your new computer?

    ”Ummm….”

    ”I mean, I had assumed from your discussion with the previous tech that you were buying a used computer without a NIC, but if this is a recent-model laptop, it should already have what you need built-in.”

    *little voice* ”Ummmmmmmmm…. Is there an internet card on this thing already?”

    More murmuring on the other end… I see the modem flash with activity, and a new computer gets an IP address. A connection has been made.

    ”Yeah, um… thanks for your help. *click*”

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • *coughs* dumbfucks *coughs* -burrkiss
  • Sounds like about half my customers today... 1 was better... the rest were likely worse. -spectreoflife
  • That was the first thing I was thinking, regardless of if it's a desktop or laptop... "Why aren't you using the onboard NIC?" -exzyle2k
  • What an ID10T. We used to get this type too when I did ISP tech support. I would look at the mdm in my tools and If was ok, I always checked for the network card and drivers before I wasted any more time with them. It sucks to have people that blame you for thier own stupidity. I feel your pain. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • So, umm...where did he install the pci nic into the laptop anyways? -ProfessorFrink
  • Prof: My bet - it was laying on the desk on it's own or still plugged into the old desktop. -redevil34
  • I remember a story of an old guy from flordia putting his "tech" on the line, another old guy, I would have gotten the same result from talking to either one of them -STJ
  • FWIW, they probably voided the warranty on their laptop when they opened in up to jam a PCI card into the wrong slot. (The karma needs enough negatives to balance the positives, and who is more deserving of negative karma than starfish?) -HidariMak
  • <Slavedriver talking to their "tech"...> "PCI Card, PC Card, I don't care, there IS NO DIFFERENCE- JUST DO IT!" <Later...> "DID YOU PUT THAT CARD IN? DON'T LIE TO ME, TELL ME YOU PUT THE CARD IN!" "Uhhh, yes, of course!, (please don't ask _which_ computer I put it in)" They get what they deserve... -Voz
  • Sounds like a really bad case of STS, Selective Troubleshooting Syndrome. -KadsterKAD
  • 153. Wags Vs. Visa Card (on-topic)

    Recent readers of TSC will remember my posting about moving cross-country to be with my girlfriend, Wags. To answer your first question, yes, it's going very well. We've been spending lots of time together, and being in close proximity has been a big adjustment-- but one we're enjoying. Anyway, Wags isn't much of a techie, but she does appreciate what a good techie can do with the right toys... er, I mean tools. For starters...

    • When I first moved out, I planned on treating myself to a nice, big HDTV. Sadly, my laptop bit the dust shortly before, and I had to sink that money into my new computer. I've been scraping by with an old 13" tube. Wags has said that it would be "really, really cool" if we could upgrade that thing to a big screen. I love you, dear.
    • Wags has been spending way more time at my place than originally anticipated. As a result, she hasn't been able to use her computer much, so she's been borrowing my new laptop. This, of course, would not be a problem if I bought a second laptop. Hmmm... finally, motivation to get that PowerBook I've had my eye on for a while. I love you, dear.
    • Wags and I watch lots of movies and TV together. She's talked me into getting digital cable and TiVo... two things I normally hadn't paid attention to. It's not often someone has to sell ME on getting something new. I'm impressed at this. I love you, dear.
    • Not only does she enjoy video games, she too is looking forward to the release of the Nintendo Wii. I love you dear.
    *BFG*
    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Lucky git. Congrats though. -Olorin
  • ^What he said. Squared. -chazz
  • ahhhh... That everything's-so-sweet type of love. Don't lose that. If you do, you'll be arguing about the finances because of those same things. :) she does sound cool though! -linuxmatt
  • funny, linuxmatt and I went to the sameplace. first thing I thought was. K she gets you to pay for all that stuff. <geeze I hope you don't break up.> J/k Have a good time, never forget to enjoy eachother first then the rest of the world second. -drachen
  • So, when's the wedding? -halfstarfish
  • awww, geek love;) -timelady
  • My ex was cool like that until the 2nd year of marriage. Then she got everything cept the bill. that we got to split. -Blue3c
  • And, with you in closer proximity, her monthly expense for AA batteries has gone way down... [LART shelter, Jeeves!] -MeanDean
  • Forget the bitters. Enjoy the now. -namor
  • Sounds like you two need to cultivate being stubborn enought to stick together. -VIPERsssss
  • 154. The Most Important Man on Earth

    I'll bet a lot of TSCers have seen this, but if not, take a look: http://www.alexchiu.com/

    The scary thing is, this guy used to be even crazier.

    [By: linkv]
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  • If his Gorgeouspil is so great, why doesn't he use it himself? -concept14
  • My brain hurts. Obviously he has not used any of his own "Gorgeouspil" - just look at his pictures on the site. Fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. -Gerund
  • I think that Alex Jones is a bit crazier though. http://perrylogan.org/AlexBleef.html I imagine there's crazier though. Any ideas who? -HidariMak
  • People actually think that they can cheat death with some little rings advertised as imortality devices? Sure, there may be a chance that this guy is the equivalent of the one in a million monkey who managed to bang out "Romeo and Juliet" on his typewriter, but even if it is so, those things would be useless against the effects of overpopulation that would result if they actually work. -MarkerMage
  • HidariMak - Err, Alex has one point. There ARE black helicopters. Well, extremely dark green ones, complete with full AWACS electronics B) The local Boeing plant (Aircraft Modifications) did the AWACS-style mods to some brand new CH-47 Chinooks for an unmentioned oriental government back in 2000 and 2001. When finished, the very-dark-green-primer painted helis would fly down to Lake Charles from Shreveport to be painted camo colors ... and some ended up flat black B) -ralphp1024
  • Why are all the crazies webpages headache inducing? -ProfessorFrink
  • They only cause headaches for people that are BLIND to the OBVIOUS TRUTH that the New World Order is covering everything up, and that you are a communist and a nazi for ignoring the peril that awaits you if you continue to follow the FAKE teachings of schools and colleges... wait a moment... IT ALL MAKES SENSE! -Diptera
  • Damn, I'm disappointed: at first I thought it said 'IMMORALITY device', not 'immorTality device.' Shucks, I've already got an immorality device... Lemme show y'all (starts to unzip fly). -MeanDean
  • For an excellent compendium of the Web's wingnuts, visit crank.net: http://www.crank.net Indexed by category and kept well updated. -MeanDean
  • Meandean read that just like I did. -burrkiss
  • Immortality Devices R Us! Full money back if not 100% effective! (Only applies to original purchaser) -ShujinTribble
  • He must be for real, he's on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Chui -Criptonite
  • Ralphp -- yes, there actually are BLACK helicopters. I knew someone once who swore they were following him. I thought this guy had just done too much of his own product. (He was one of the biggest LSD distributers in the area.) Next thing I knew, he was put away for years based on the information those same helicopters provided! -Captain Trips
  • Anyone ever heard of Dr Bronner and his soap? Look it up sometime... -DarkTanz
  • 155. I Blame YOU!

    CableISP offered an online tool that allowed a customer to make minor changes to their account over the company website. In order to access it, a customer needed to fill out an online form, which should take only five minutes at the most. One such lad found the process frustrating...

    "Thank you for calling CableISP, how can I help you?

    "Yeah, I'm trying to log in to check my account, and it won't let me in."

    "I see. What username and password are you using to log in?

    "The reg'lur ones. The same ones I gots for my e-mail!"

    "Ah. Well, the account section is accessed with a different username and password. It's not the same one that you use for e-mail."

    "Well, why the hell not?!? Why does it gotta be so difficult!?!"

    "Because, sir, not everyone who is a CableISP customer uses us for their internet service, therefore, we can't tie your account directly in with your e-mail settings. In order to get your username and password for this tool, you need to register at the link on the screen.

    "I DID!"

    "Then, sir, what happens when you try to login?"

    "I don't get a password. I register and register, and it doesn't give me a password!!!"

    "Have you checked your e-mail, sir?

    "WHY?!?"

    "The password will be e-mailed to you."

    "Well, no one told me that! How am I SUPPOSED TO KNOW that you're gonna E-MAIL it to me?"

    "Sir, you're on the screen that says 'Thank you for registering'?"

    "YEAH!"

    "And if you look near the button, it says 'Thank you for registering, your password will be e-mailed to you shortly...'"

    He stammered, furious. I'm sure there was a vein in his forehead throbbing "Well... I DIDN'T READ THAT!!!!"

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • "....Obviously."</Alfred Pennyworth> -ShujinTribble
  • Didja get the memo? -Mushroom
  • I feel your pain... the ISP I work for has exactly the same type of setup on our website. You can't imagine the number of folks who go to register and don't seem to realize they need to enter a VALID, EXISTING email address. :( -geekgirljess
  • Ya think? -ProfessorFrink
  • The information could have been in 72pt flashing red text and this moron would've missed it. -Starfury
  • 156. More Money Gets You More Stuff?

    "Okay, I have your desktop computer package ready to go. I'm going to reccomend two things with it: a USB cable for your printer and one of the AntiVirus programs."

    "Well, doesn't it come with that stuff?"

    "No, sir. That's why I ask customers before they go."

    "Computers always come with that stuff"

    "No, not really. None of the ones we sell do, and you'll find it's the same at every major computer store."

    "Well, I think you're wrong. When I bought my last computer, it included everything I needed."

    "When did you buy your last computer setup?

    "Twelve years ago."

    "And how much did you pay for it?"

    "$3,700."

    "And how much are you paying for this setup today?"

    "$649"

    ...Do you see where I'm going with this?

    [By: linkv]
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  • Cheap bastard! -Starfury
  • When buying the new cameras (roughly $2k) when asked about the flash I was hessitant about the nearly $200 price tag until I thought, "I'm spending all this muhlah on the cams, why skimp on the flash now?" -ShujinTribble
  • Hey, 12 years ago you would not get a USB cable, and I don't think you need an anti-virus software... -Wonko The Sane
  • 12 years ago, my Amiga 2000 was king.... and it didn't come with a USB Cable either. -ShujinTribble
  • "for $3,700 i will gladly throw in a USB cable, antivirus, and even upgrade your printer to a color laser" -Lehk
  • Yes, but 12 years ago printers DID come with a parallel cable. So why don't they come with USB cables today? After all, the real money on printers comes from the ink/toner sales! -Captain Trips
  • All I have to say about that http://eclectech.co.uk/mindcontrol.php -Gerewolf
  • 157. Playground Bully Grows Up

    "...it doesn't come with a floppy drive, very few computers these days do, but it does have a memory card reader for your digital camera." My customer's nodding. He likes what he sees, he's ready to go. Just then, The Bull jumps in between us. "HEY! I'M WANTIN' TO BUY THAT COMPUTER, IF YOU CAN PULL YOURSELF AWAY FROM IT AND LET ME SEE IT!"

    Ah, so what should be my response? Should it be 'Dude, if you gotta see it, look at the 9 other towers that are physically identical to it'? Or perhaps I should have said 'You can't see around me? There's six people behind you who are having the same problem'? Ah, I could have even settled for 'Learn some manners and shut the fuck up.'. But no, I've still got half a shift left and it'll be torture if I let one old blowhard get the best of me. I take the no-insult-sticks-to-me approach.

    "Ah, well, be my guest, sir! My customer and I are done here, and I'm sure you'll be happy with that computer. It's a great buy!" I lead my customer to the register, and surprisingly, The Bull steps away from the associate that was helping him and follows me.

    "OH, I CAN TELL YOU REALLY LIKE THAT COMPUTER!" He grins and taunts.

    It doesn't bug me, he's only wasting his own time. "Oh yeah, as $name must have told you, it's a fantastic value for the money."

    "OH, YEAH, I CAN SEE YOU REALLY, REALLY *LOVE* THAT THING! YOU WERE TOTALLY INTO THAT COMPUTER!" He gives me a wink-wink, nudge-nudge while I'm walking my customer to the counter. It occurs to me that if he doesn't get back to the associate who was helping him before, he might miss his chance.

    I smile and start typing on my terminal, indicating in no uncertain terms that my concern is my customer, not trading junior high insults. "... yep! Plenty of RAM in that thing! (to my customer) And were you planning on using a check or credit card, sir?"

    The Bull realizes his mistake in walking away from an associate during the busiest shopping season of the year. He works his way back into the crowd as I start printing receipts. My cool customer's eyes get wide and he says "I know you can't say it, so I will. That guy is a dick."

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Hee! Cool customer! And what a wierdo! -Parilla
  • Gotta love it! Direct-LART, and his own self-LART. -Grue
  • What is it about some people that they walk up to a complete stranger, make obviously false accusations, and get pissed off when the assaultee doesn't bite? Why oh why do some people just want to fight someone at random for no reason? (The musings of someone who was the victim of a whole school full of bullies when he was a kid!) -Captain Trips
  • Your right, I cant say it. But I will agree with you fully. -MaskedMarauder
  • A perfect candidate for the Fucknugget Repellent. My repellent of choice is the Louisville Slugger TPX Omaha... -vacuumtubes
  • My prefference in Fycknugget Repellent is cheap hair spray... and a lighter. *FWOOSH!* -LeopardMadcat
  • I'm still trying to figure out exactly WHAT insult the fucknugget thought he was saying. Unless he's got a computer fetish and thinks everyone else does also ... that's called "projection" and I think he failed. -ralphp1024
  • so I have to ask... did you *ahem* love that computer? <LART shelter next stop!> -NOFXfan
  • 158. Playground Bully Grows Up (intro)

    It was the second week in December. Holiday shopping was in full swing, and getting time for each customer was getting harder and harder. I'm working yet another 55 hour work week, usually doing 10 or more hours at a time. A younger guy comes in and asks for help with a desktop purchase, basically using it for broadband internet and a digital camera. I lead him over to the display of 10 computers and show him a setup I think is a pretty good buy, and start explaining it to him.

    "Well, this tower here would do exactly what you want, plus give you a little room to grow with. It has a..."

    "Um, excuse me..." he politely interrupts. "Which one is it?" Yeah, there's nearly a dozen towers there, and they all look the same.

    To shift his focus in the right direction, I lean a little bit on the tower I'm talking about. This helps in several ways. First, it answers his question. Second, it lets the crowd of customers and other associates behind him get around... that time of year, the store gets packed and sometimes it's just a struggle to stay out of the way. Third, it gives me a chance to shift the weight off my feet, which I'm not ashamed to admit are feeling kind of sore after weeks of abuse.

    "Oh, I beg your pardon. I'm referring to this one here. It uses an Athlon 64 processor, which is very powerful but still very affordable. You'll have plenty of RAM and hard drive space..." I continue walking him through the features as I see a rather bullish guy working with a co-worker of mine. There's a crowd of people behind him, and he's bobbing in and out of that crowd like a bouy. Meanwhile, I'm doing my best to practically get behind the computer and let as many customers in as possible.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    159. Whippersnapper's Guide to Tech Support

    Anyone remember my old co-worker Whippersnapper? ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=56389 ) Part of his problem was that his "experience" with computers was absolutely not typical of anything the average user encounters (the other part was that he needed a smack upside the head). Get your notepads out, kiddies, this comes right from his words of wisdom:

    "I find these consumer computers to be *sigh* SOOOOOO frustrating to work with. Nothing compares to what I have at home. I've got two Xeon workstations that I get for free from some clients of mine. I don't use antivirus because I think it just slows down your system too much. I don't even get viruses, ever. If I do, it's not a big deal because of how my system is set up. I've got my operating system on one hard drive and all my files on another. If anything were to happen, I'd just wipe the first drive and reinstall Windows on it. On my system, it's so fast that it's quicker to do that than bother with antivirus. My files are safe because a virus can't go from one drive to another."

    The upsetting part about this is that this is coming from someone who makes a living giving computer advice to the general public.

    [By: linkv]
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  • And I bet a virus can't get from one side of his brain to the other. It's called a lobotomy. -concept14
  • ya, and they can't transmit from one computer to another. -drachen
  • Why do I picture Jim Backus saying all of that? -vacuumtubes
  • <brain snaps> And you haven't BEATEN him yet??? -namor
  • "You found my long lost son!" </Judy Patch> -TheGhost
  • "Not in the brain! Not in the Brain!" *Runs for lart shelter and a bottle of Vodka* -LeopardMadcat
  • Sarfish in the brainpan, squish! [/mangled Serenity quote] -ThreeBucks
  • ! - Just where did he get that idea... If i remember correctly, on old type virus scanned all hard drives for .jpg .gif etc and wiped them all, didn't matter what drive they were on... -Wonko The Sane
  • He may sound silly... but think abou...... No wait... Yep... he just sounds silly. -kryliss
  • Well, I *do* keep my data on a second partition, so I can reinstall Windows - but I don't expect it to prevent viruses! -Divinar
  • I guess he doesn't need any fans to cool his PC because he keeps windows open. (Sometimes I crack myself up) -gemachte
  • 160. The End of Piracy

    I'm filing some TPS reports in the back room and affixing the proper cover sheet when a Customer Service Desk helper taps me on the shoulder. "Umm... we're having some trouble with some guy up front. He's yelling screaming because he can't return a game. It's been opened."

    I ask to see his receipt. He bought the game at another branch, who apparently told him he couldn't return it. He's coming to us to try and pull a fast one. I call bullshit.

    I walk up, and I can see from his face he's just finished yelling. I don't care how mad you are, no one yells at my co-workers. "Hi there, sir, did you have a question about our return policy?"

    "Yeah, this game doesn't work. I'd like to exchange it for another." He throws down the game, which has clearly been opened.

    "Well, sir, software is the one thing we sell that we cannot take returns on once the package is opened. I'm sorry that you're having trouble with the game, but I can try to help you. You could exchange it for a copy of the same title, or we could have one of our techs try to install the game for you."

    "No, I think they're all defective and won't run on my system. I want to bring it back and get a different game." Oh, Gord help me.

    "Well, I'm sorry, but that's not an option. Due to copyright law, we can't take back any software once it's opened. Sadly, there are some customers who have bought games and copied them, then returned them, and this is the only way to prevent that practice."

    "What?!? The damn thing don't even work! You can't make me keep it if it's defective."

    "The best thing to do would be to contact the tech support staff for that particular game and see if this is a known issue. They may have a fix to use or a patch you could download. Companies ship buggy software all the time, they fix it later with patches."

    "That don't do me no good if I can't get online!" This is 2006 and you have a midrange computer but no internet access? I call bullshit, again.

    "In any case, sir, that's very common with software, especially games."

    "Well, if I call them, they're gonna put me ON HOLD!!!"

    Oh, mercy me, say it isn't so.

    "Have you TRIED contacting them yet, sir?"

    "I shouldn't have to! You sold me this game, and it's GUARANTEED!"

    I do what I can to avoid giggling. "Sir, I'm sorry if you were misinformed, but none of our software is guaranteed. That would simply be impossible. Each software package has a listing of system requirements, which says that the manufacturer claims it will work on a system that meets those specs, but there are so many different PCs out there that there is no way to absolutely guarantee that a given title will work on a computer until we try it. Now, as I said, the only options I have are to swap it for the same title or have our tech assist you in setting it up. I can't exchange it for copyright reasons. What of those two options would you like me to do for you?"

    "LOOK! That's a BUNCHA SHIT! They got codes in these games, so you can't possibly copy them! You know that!!! No one copies these things!"

    So, there you have it, folks. We now live in a new world free of bootleg software. Jiminy Assnugget can't figger out how to copy a CD, therefore, PIRACY NO LONGER EXISTS!

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • see...your mistake was trying to reason with him. the first time he raised his voice I would have said "sir, lower your tone or you will have to leave" if he yelled again "sir, please wait here while I get security to escort you off the premisis, feel free to return when you decide to converse like a normal adult" -xtc46
  • i don;t want it to be illegal- there for it isn't. Thats the way it workks! </RvB incredible edible internet> -Harm
  • Probably a video issue. SF was most likely using a computer with built-in video (32 meg SHARED memory) and the game wouldn't even finish the fancy logo for the production company! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Actually I agree with the customer on this one, sorry. Copy protection doesn't stop the well 'puka pirates' it does however stop Jimmy Assclown from copying the game rather effectivley. Personally I get pissed because I can not return a product that does not work for a refund these days due to the mythical "you could of copied it" demon. Sorry but there ya go. -fearmyroot
  • 161. Does not get it.

    This caller was a dialup customer for CableISP. He sounded pretty unstable in the first place, and it seemed he was one of those people that believed that anything he didn’t like could simply be ignored. Like, for example, he was on a one-year prepaid contract with his ISP, and if he didn’t want the service anymore, he could simply forget about it and we’d tidy up the loose ends with our amazing psyching powers. You know, because no one ever kept their dial-up service for more than a year, and our company builds good customer relations by closing accounts without warning.

    “Hey, what’s this bill you guys are sending me for $22? I changed my provider!”

    “Well, sir, you were previously on a one-year prepaid contract, which expired at the end of December. It is now March, and that bill represents your payments from January and February.”

    “Well, I don’t owe that, because I cancelled my service.”

    “I’m sorry, but I’m looking over your account record, and I don’t see any cancellation order in place… and it would seem that there are no calls on record after October. If you called in to cancel, we don’t have any record of it here.”

    “I was on a one-year contract, and that ended! I haven’t used your service since! It stinks!”

    “Ah, I think I see the problem. Billing is not contingent on usage. According to your contract, your account remains open until you close it, regardless of how often you use it. If you never contacted us to cancel it, we would not know to close it!”

    “The last time I called, I said I’d start looking around for other ISPs!”

    “Yes, sir, but that does not constitute a cancellation. In order to cancel your account, you need to speak directly to our cancellation department, who will arrange to have the account closed on the date you specify.”

    “Well, then I want the account closed RIGHT NOW!”

    “Your account is closed, sir. All accounts that become more than 60 days past due are automatically disabled.”

    “Oh, so I don’t owe anything, then.”

    “No, sir, you do still owe your remaining balance from January and February.”

    “But I didn’t even use your service then! Check my account! Show me even one time I logged in to your server!”

    “Billing is not contingent on usage, sir.”

    “You keep saying that!”

    That’s because it’s frickin’ true, you idiot, despite the fact that (for you) it’s very inconvenient. “Yes, but the fact remains, you COULD have used your service during that time. You pay for the option to connect to CableISP’s dialup at any time, regardless of how often you actually do connect. We have many clients who only dial in once or twice a month.”

    “I DIDN’T USE IT AT ALL! I DIDN’T WANT THE SERVICE!”

    “Then, you should have cancelled it.”

    “I DID!”

    ”I don’t see any record of that, sir. All I see on your account is that you had trouble many months ago, called in for technical support, and according to yourself, you ended the call by saying you’d ‘shop around’. That is not a cancellation. In order to cancel, you need to speak to our cancellation department.”

    “Well, my contract was over! You can’t bill me after that! You need to close my account.”

    “We don’t just close accounts for no reason, sir. When your contract ended without further payment, we make the assumption that you are late, and simply continue your service under a ‘grace period’. By not renewing your prepaid contract, all that means is that you aren’t locked into getting the discounted rate of $11/month. We’d actually be perfectly within our rights to charge you the regular rate of $19.95/month since you’d technically be on a month-to-month plan. However, since you hadn’t told us you were canceling, we kept you on the discounted rate as a courtesy.”

    “But you did close my account!”

    “Yes, sir, but not because your contract was over, but because you didn’t pay your bill.”

    “I DID pay my bill!”

    “I’m currently showing a remaining balance if $22 for January and February. If you have already paid those months off, I could transfer you to Financial Services to clear up this ‘discrepancy’.”

    “You’re like all those other companies! You try and cancel, and you still keep getting billed and billed!”

    “Sir, you never cancelled your account.”

    “I don’t owe for those months, and I’m not paying for them! ”

    “Yes, sir. Please keep in mind that any accounts that are not paid in full at the end of 90 days are forwarded to collections. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    “Listen! I’m moving out of my house in three days, and after that, I’ll have no home but the streets! I’ve got no time for this AOL-IRS BULL SHIT! You wanna charge me? Fine! I’m not paying!” *click*

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • Oh, he'll pay. Either to you, a collections agency, or when his credit rating falls to low to ever get anything on credit again! In other words, "Can you say 'self-lart'? I knew that you could!" -Captain Trips
  • So, AOL and the IRS have merged now? -robbor
  • Well they ARE both motherfuckers. -burrkiss
  • One rapes your computer, the other rapes you. -burrkiss
  • ...and they both charge you for the priveledge. It's like they're the world's most aggressively proactive whores. -Parilla
  • 162. Moving Day (Update - OTish)

    For those of you who missed my story last week, you can refresh your memory here ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=57735 ). This is it. My plane leaves tomorrow morning at 6AM, and in just a few short hours, I'll no longer consider myself a resident of Pennsylvania. I've got some rather huge suitcases ready to go, and I begin work at my new store on Monday. I want to thank you guys and gals so much for your kind words and good wishes last week. After years of false starts, Wags and I are ready to begin the next chapter in our lives.

    Oh, I should probably mention that I never actually told Wags my transfer went through, and right now she has absolutely no idea I'll be showing up on her doorstep in 14 hours. Do you think tomorrow is going to prove eventful for her? ;-)

    It's a long way to Tipperary...

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • You DID buy a gross of Propha-- Profola-- RUBBERS, right? -ShujinTribble
  • Dont let little Jimmy out without his rain coat. -burrkiss
  • Best of luck on starting a new chapter in your life. -Crashville
  • That's a great story. Good luck and Godspeed. -viennasausage
  • <sniff> I love it when a plan comes together. -namor
  • Hey, Jude, don't let her down... You have found her, now go and get her... </Beatles> :D -Frazzled
  • Many congrats on the life change - I'm sure Wags will be thrilled! Best of luck... -TechnoCat
  • I am Happy for you! May you be together for all time! -mwad
  • My first thought was that if this was a Hollywood movie, some guy will open the door when you knock. Hope it doesn't go that way, and all the best. -Calydor
  • My thoughts ran along the same lines as Calydor's. Here's hoping it turns out much better for you! -NightSteel
  • So we're off on a road to Pennsylvania... -illiterate
  • Pardon me, boy... Is this the Transylvania Choo-Choo?</WHAT?> -ShujinTribble
  • Of course, the guy in Caldor's movie would turn out to be her brother or her gay friend, but poor Linkv would have run off, and spent most of the movie miserable. Oops, that right there is more plot than most movies these days. Let's blow something up! -Divinar
  • Ya, Ya, Track 29. Can I give you a shine? -viennasausage
  • Yayyy!!! And congratulations. -56Kdaytrader
  • oh, and hey -- keep us posted, eh? -chazz
  • Just remember to get the door shut and locked behind you BEFORE starting to 'celebrate'! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 163. The Further Adventures of Whippersnapper

    You may recall my co-worker, Whippersnapper, the young'un who thinks he's too good for his job, despite the fact that he can't do his job properly. We again had a discussion about the importance of telling customers we can help them with any tech stuff they don't want to do themselves. He just shrugged and said "Yeah, but a lot of people are pretty good with computers. They just don't need our help."

    As if on cue, an elderly woman hobbled past and held up a Linksys USB WiFi adaptor. "Excuse me," she said to us. "I need to return this. It doesn't work with my Verizon Wireless service..."

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    Comments

  • You handed her off to W/S, right? I hope so. -TechnoCat
  • Naww, send her to Apple. Even if she has a PC. They'll hook her right up. After all, that's what the guy in the next cubicle has been doing. -56Kdaytrader
  • I predict WS is going to experience the less pleasant end of tech support for the next couple of months. -Geminii
  • Geminii, what are you talking about... you mean there's a more pleasent side of tech support? -kryliss
  • 164. Story of Celebration (part 2 of 2)

    So, while I dreamed of starting a life with my girlfriend Wags and ending the monotony of online dating, economic reality forced me to spend my summer looking for a job (with zero success) and watching my checking account dwindle each week. The November after graduation, I could finally take it no more… I needed money and something to do with my time, so I applied for a job at the local RetailComputerStore. Not glamour work by any means, but I needed something to pay off my student loan and car insurance. By coincidence, the next day, I landed a side job selling B2B web design services. At least I had some money rolling in.

    I worked my tail off through the holiday shopping season, and I impressed the company by showing that 1) I knew my computers, 2) I could sell them easily and 3) I worked really, really hard. They kept me on after the holidays, which was good for my bank account, but I knew I didn’t want to take my degree and just sell computers all my life. I looked for a way out, and then shortly after the Christmas season, I landed a job doing Tech Support with CableISP. Finally! A job right in my field, in a big shiny office, and I’m sure this’ll be a springboard into a more tech-oriented position. By this point, I was doing tech support five days a week, I’d go back to RetailComputerStore on the sixth day, and on the seventh, I’d get in my car and drive around to mom-and-pop stores trying to sell websites. It was a long, miserable work week, sometimes topping sixty hours… but I had to start saving if I ever wanted to move out of my parent’s house.

    I tried my best , but week after week of that was too much. I gave up the job selling websites, it was just too much work and I never actually made a sale, so it was resulting only in wasted gas. Then I started to realize… CableISP was never going to offer me a promotion. Their “Job Openings” board hadn’t changed once in the year I’d been working there. Not only that, we were being given more work to do with less staff to do it, and the headset was starting to make my ears hurt. I have sensitive hearing, so I couldn’t afford to endanger that. As an added bonus, the draconian scheduling system made it near impossible for me to interview for other jobs, which I’m sure was no accident. The last straw… CableISP did not have any presence in the state Wags lived in, so I couldn’t get any support from them to move out there.

    This left me with one option: quit CableISP and go back to RetailComputerStore full time. They were begging me to come back anyway, so I had to trouble there. But, my career had been sidelined… I hadn’t planned on being in sales this long… but truth be told, I enjoyed it and was good at it. And, there were RetailComputerStores all over the country, so I could transfer. I told my boss everything, and I had a game plan… work there for a while, do what I do best, and then I’d be promoted to manager, get a pay hike, and I could transfer to a store within walking distance of Wags’ house. It wasn’t how I planned on doing things, but I liked the way the story ended, so I agreed.

    That was in July. The next six months brought lots of delays and confusion. I would continue to work 50+ hour work weeks, but this time it was always for the same company. I was learning things that would actually make me a better employee. Ironically, I was getting better training from RetailComputerStore than I was at a “big communications company.” I never expected it, but I wasn’t complaining. I was waiting until after New Year’s to actually put in to move… but lots of things in the company started delaying my transfer, and they put a hold on all promotions, so, I was dead in the water. I had given it everything I had, and I’d become a great asset to the company. I was ready to go, and move, and do a job that would let me move off and be with the woman I love, and let me support myself without my parents’ help. I’d been struggling against the odds for so long. I’d gone from being a broke college grad to a person prepared to do a decent job in the tech field. All I was waiting for was a phone call to let me know I could move with the company’s backing.

    Ladies and gentlemen, that phone call arrived today at 5:00 PM

    I can move whenever I’m ready. I can take that job, I’ve got the resources to do it, and I can finally be with a girl I’ve loved for ten years.

    Wags, I’m on my way, my love. I’ll be there soon, I promise.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • sweet, i am STOKED for you!!!!!!! many antipodean hugs and hippy karma for you and wags:) -timelady
  • ..... Y'know, I needed to hear a story like this with a happy ending. I am *stoked* for you two. Woohoo! -Mahal
  • Congrats! -snowcrash
  • /me closes his eyes and nods, once, deeply for you both. "I do leather carvings of wedding invitations, fyi" -ShujinTribble
  • Oh, Linkv, I am so happy for you! It reminds me so much of my current husband's and my story. -56Kdaytrader
  • Awesome story, mate. Congratulations to both of you! -modeski
  • <sniff> Wow. Break my heart, why don'tcha - bastard! -namor
  • awesome...just awesome. -xtc46
  • Congratulations are in order :) may you have a wonderful life with the one you love :) -CrystalMare
  • ... there are no words. Insert eloquent and heartfelt congratulations here. -chazz
  • Oh man, that's sweet. Good luck on the rest of the story! -CyBear
  • Fantastic! Congrats! -Grue
  • Congrats, as one who has been through a long distance relationship UK <--> HK I know how difficult it is. Hope you both have a long and happy life together. -PID1
  • Beautiful. Us Stiff-upper-lipped Brits don't do emotion, but for some strange reason I need to blow my nose... <grabs tissue - FARRRNNNNN! FARRRNNNNNN! sniff> -Gromit
  • That is truly...wonderful! -ThreeBucks
  • Oh my god, I can't believe someone has actually caused a flicker of emotion in my jaded mind. I know how you feel, i was in a similar situation only mine didn't end so well. congratulations does not cover exactly what i need to express to you... i'll shut up now </embarrassing blurb> -Tarantulus
  • Congratulations! And I really, really hope the relationship with Wags will continue sweetly after you are close to each other! -NordicPT
  • *lots of hugs nad happy, happy thoughts for you and Wags* Wow, Linkv, that's one of the most romatic things I've heard in a long time, and I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you both!!!!!! :) -taieena
  • Awesome, this has all the makings of a Meg Ryan movie! ow ow stop hitting me that hurts. I keed, congrats and luck! -NOFXfan
  • thats it truely a awesome story. -dimebag
  • Congratulations to you both. It's hearing stuff like this that keeps hope alive in the rest of us. Be Happy mate! -Smegger68
  • Sweeeeeeeeet! -Rabbitt
  • <sniff> That's fantastic... -Criptonite
  • Congratulations. Wow, that ending actually brought a tear to my eye. -JustAGirl
  • Oh, that's so cool! *wipes tear from eye* The best to both of you! -pixel
  • Gotta love a story with a happy ending. Congrats, and may you continue to prosper in all ways... -PTSTech
  • Great things come to those who wait and persevere. -Sidewinder
  • Dude, that kicks ASS!!! So happy for you..!!! -JoeLugian
  • <TechOgre does dance of joy> Huzah! -TechOgre
  • Best wishes for your new future! -Tekkie
  • Fucking RAH! Good on ya, Linkv. May everything continue to work out for you both. -Grayhawk
  • Congratulations! You persevered and won! Bet of luck to you both. -Gunpe
  • congrats man. Long distance relationships can be a good start to things. I met my gf online 2 years ago and she's now ben up here for over a year with me and planning on getting married this fall. may only good things befall both of you. -halitech
  • YES! Wow, the whole story makes me so happy! I demand regular updates! -Parilla
  • You know what this remind me? "What dreams may come." Go for it. Who knows, you may have found your soul-mate again. I'm happy for you. -TheGhost
  • I'd like to bid on the movie rights. :) -Robster2001
  • Holy shit dude!!! Congrats. I propose a toast. p.s. I hate you for bringin tears to a grown man's eyes. -momo
  • ...and the written story was almost as long as the real life saga :P -squatchie666
  • Congbats to both of you! -TechnoVampire
  • My husband moved to follow me and my career just after I graduated. We celebrated our 17th anniversary in April. It can, and does, work. -DuckyFuzz
  • Beautiful, just beautiful. Congrats to you both! -Frazzled
  • Awwww! That's soooo sweet! Many congrats, dude! Good luck!!! -TranceGemini
  • What a lovely story. Hope the ending to this happiness never comes. -stpatience
  • 165. Story of Celebration (part 1 of 2)

    Gather ‘round, fellow techs. Please, skooch forward and listen. This is a happy story, one I have been waiting to tell since I joined TSC. I’ll caution you, it is a long story, so those opposed to long posts may want to continue on. For those who will share my joy, I’ve prepared a celebratory meal. It may not have the culinary distinction of those meals prepared by SwedishChef, but instead it’s a combination I use to celebrate all my victories: pizza and champagne. If you’ve never tried these two as a pair, you’ve missed out on a wonderful treat for the senses… however, I digress. For those of you who want more background, my posting history will reveal quite a prologue to this little tale. Otherwise, I’ll try to recap:

    Many years ago, I was a high school student with a knack for computers. I didn’t play sports or join the band, I just spent a great deal of time on the (then new) Internet. When I wasn’t tracking exciting new technologies like CD burners or Windows 98, I was discussing science fiction online with like-minded students. It was then that I met Wags. Wags was a girl only a few months younger than me, absolutely gorgeous and quite the romantic. In high school, I was popular with the girls, but always as “a friend“. I was a great guy to do homework with, but not the kind of guy you’d date. Wags was the only girl who saw me differently. The problem was, she lived 1,000 miles away. Lacking any better ideas, we decided to try this new concept of “internet dating,” but since we were only 15, we weren’t mature enough to handle the frustrations that would go along with it. We mutually decided it just wouldn’t work out, and we went our separate ways. It was a sad decision, but one that we both felt couldn’t be avoided.

    After that, we tried to stay in each other’s lives, though we both had a lot of growing to do that required us to be apart. Often six or seven months would go by in between contacts, and then only a quick IM just to check and see how the other was doing. I went off to college and studied computers, got into another serious relationship, and pretty much thought I had things made. Wags graduated high school, tried to start a career, and found someone else and got engaged. It seemed we had both gotten on with our lives. The time in between contacts had grown longer and longer. I looked back on our brief romance with bittersweet fondness. I knew we never could have made it work, but for the life of me, I could never figure out why. We were kids, in high school. What kept us apart wasn’t our differences, it was just that we hadn’t grown enough to have the relationship we both wanted.

    In the middle of Sophomore year, I found Wags online again and asked how she was. Turns out, she had just gotten her engagement ring. As a mature adult, who had put his past behind him and who was himself involved in a very serious relationship… I promptly went bugfuck. It didn’t make sense. (Why? I don’t know) I told myself I was just having emotional longing for an ex-girlfriend, and it was normal, but that’s not how it felt. There was something wrong. It felt like Wags and I still had unfinished business. I looked back on our time together, and just never really understood WHY IT DIDN’T WORK. The reason had been that we weren’t mature enough, and I knew it was the truth, but for some reason, that wasn’t good enough anymore.

    Not that I had a choice in the matter. She was engaged and starting a new life with someone else… and I was nearing the third anniversary with my girlfriend. I didn’t have time to be thinking about my ex. No, what I was thinking about was the fact that my girlfriend and I had less and less in common each day, and nearly every conversation we had ended in a bitter argument. As a guy who was committed to his relationship, I tried to sacrifice more and more of myself to make it work. I started to realize that I was sacrificing everything I had for my girlfriend, and it still wasn’t enough to make it work. Three months later, she broke up with me. It left me in shambles, ripped my heart in two, and made me wonder about all that was good and decent in the world.

    I went through that summer break as a single man, and slowly worked my way out of the post-breakup funk and into the dating game once again. I loved my ex dearly, but she just didn’t want me nearly as much as I wanted her. After two months back on campus (nearly six since my breakup) I started going to parties and dances, trying to meet someone, yet it never happened. I came home one night and found Wags online, and started talking to her, emptying my heart to someone who saw me a little differently than everyone else. I told her about the breakup, and how it killed me, and then found out something shocking-- SHE NEVER GOT MARRIED. She had found out some very nasty secrets about her intended husband, and broke off everything… not that long after my girlfriend had dumped me. The two of us had been carrying a very lonely burden for months, and we helped console each other.

    It took a few months, but after talking to Wags each night, I had finally, REALLY healed from the breakup. I thanked her for her friendship. I told her I cared about her, I always had, and I confessed that I never really understood why it never worked between us. I was smitten with her in high school, but I wasn’t in high school anymore. I was an adult and so was she, and I was no longer smitten. I genuinely, truly loved her. I felt we needed time to grow, and the person she had grown into was my dream woman. And it killed me that we worked so well together and had to be so far apart. I considered her one of the greatest near-misses of my life. She turned right around and said she didn’t think fate was done with us just yet. And to prove her point, she flew in to see me, making an “online friend” suddenly so much more.

    I couldn’t deny her gesture and I couldn’t deny my feelings. As much as it pained me to try another long-distance relationship, the first woman I’d ever loved had come back to me, in spite of countless obstacles. I don’t know how strongly I believe in fate, but I certainly don’t believe in ignoring something as plain as that. I asked her out, knowing she had to fly home, and said to Hell with the consequences.

    My senior year of college was spent adjusting to the first relationship I’d begun in four years. I’d never tried this as an adult before, and wow, some things were sure different this time around. It went well, though, and we made a fantastic team. It went well enough that I wanted to move out and be with her after graduation. Problem was, I was a computer science major graduating in the Class of 2003, and at that time, the IT industry was in the toilet. Recent college grads were a dime a dozen. It was laughable trying to get a job in my field at home… the notion that someone would hire me, sight unseen, from 1,000 miles away was absurd. And in any case, no one was willing to pay me a salary that would let me live on my own and support myself.

    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

    166. Isn't That Adorable?

    I've previously mentioned our recently-hired shop tech, Whippersnapper (http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=56389). Whippersnapper has been adapting to the new job fairly well. We still have disagreements now and then, but an understanding has been reached, if you catch my drift. *bfeg* Anyway... looking over our reports lately, I'd become a bit curious to notice that we hadn't been setting up as many customer computers as in the previous few weeks. Just to make sure there were no major problems afoot, we held a little powwow with the shop techs and made sure all was going smoothly. Were we out of stock on any antivirus programs? Were the new guys comfortable in explaining why most PCs don't ship with adequate protection, and the speed difference in downloading Windows Updates on a broadband connection vs. the dial-up that many of our customers have?

    It wasn't a tear-'em-a-new-one meeting, we were just making sure that customers were leaving with the proper warnings, and that they knew we could do any of the setup stuff they didn't want to bother doing. After all, I'm the one who has to deal with the customers who want to return their computers because their computers got filled with ZGB. In the end, we just decided to chalk it up as a fluke and get back to work, when Whippersnapper piped up and said "Y'know, the average person is getting much more computer-savvy. They just don't our help anymore.".

    Wow, kid, let me know when the ink dries on your paper certs...

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • He don't know dem vewwy well, do he? -Frazzled
  • That was "They just don't our help anymore." Oops -linkv
  • That was "They just don't NEED our help anymore." Double oops, with some "fuck it" thrown in for good measure. -linkv
  • As in, they don't need you for the SIMPLE screwups anymore, those they can do themselves! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Well, if they don't need our help anymore, I guess we'll have to cut back on staff here to help offset the lower income. Guess who gets to go first. <bfeg> -flapjackboy
  • optimist youth - few years in the tranches of support with rip that the hell outta him. it will be replaced with a think calloused shell that tries to containt better resentmant and cynisim. -Harm
  • Better resentment?...better than mine you're sayin??...HEH! -Timeflies
  • There's always a lull and then some new polymorphic, stealth, ninja virus comes out and everyone is callin.... -kryliss
  • "Y'know, the average person is getting much more computer-savvy. They just don't our help anymore." => "I'm hoping they understand the BS I'm feeding them and really don't feel like doing simple system setup work as it's beneath me." -virtualchoirboy
  • 167. You've asked for it! Finally, it's...

    ... a holiday for techs! Yes, indeed. Or at least, a holiday we'll enjoy more than anyone else, probably.

    Friday is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

    • You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
    • You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
    • You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
    • No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

    Okay, I confess, I got this as an e-mail forward, but it still seemed TSC-worthy.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Sounds suspiciously like,"Slap a jet-flying, hysterical nun in the face day."</Airplane ref> -ShujinTribble
  • huh... that just may explain why i have friday off. -Harm
  • Hit me again, Ike! And put some STANK on it! -bassman
  • " Don't kick the god damned baby!"</Ike> -Harm
  • yah. i vill give yoo ein schmackens!!! -ravingmadman
  • We already have this at my work, it's called 'Casual Friday'. Bosses usually out of office, so anything goes. -deskmonkey
  • And I have Fridays off. I wonder if booby traps count, for a remote slap. -HidariMak
  • "....Boobie trap."</Who Framed Roget Rabbit> -ShujinTribble
  • I like the remote slap idea that is a good one -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 168. Psycho Hosebeast (Chapter 2)

    “As I’ve been…”

    “STOP TALKING OVER ME!!!!”

    “I’m not…”

    “STOP THAT!!! STOP TALKING OVER ME!!! GIVE ME YOUR SUPERVISOR NOWW!!!!”

    I put her on hold and go to page a super. As it turns out, there’s a fairly long waiting list, so Hosebeast will have no choice but to deal with me in the meantime.

    “Ms. Hosebeast, I have paged a supervisor, however, they are all on other calls. In the meantime, I could…”

    “You’re wasting my time, because you know you can hang up and I can’t! I NEED HELP WITH THIS NOOOOOOWWWWW!! SO STOP WASTING MY DAMN TIME AND GIVE ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!!!!”

    “Madam, I have no intention of hanging up on you (I’m not allowed, but I ain’t telling you that). If I can confirm what your issue is, I can…”

    “I’m not talking to you! You give me your supervisor now!”

    “As I have said, Ma’am, they are on other calls and not able to assist you.”

    “Then have one of them call me back.”

    “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

    “Yes you can, and you damn well better!”

    “No, not really.”

    “Why not?”

    “Because, as I have said, this is not a supervisor issue. I cannot have a supervisor call you back for something that is not their issue to begin with.”

    “So, you’re saying that a supervisor never calls people? Come on…”

    “Only in drastic circumstances.”

    “THESE ARE DRASTIC CIRCUMSTANCES!!! THIS IS MY BUSINESS, AND I HAVE MONEY ON THIS!” Sigh, how I wished that she was on broadband and I could TOS her off my phone. Sadly, CableISP had dropped the distinction between “commercial” and “residential” dial-up, since they were the same service.

    “No, Ma’am, this is (STOP ARGUING WITH ME AND GIVE ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!!!) not a supervisor issue. You are in the correct department and could be helped right now if you would allow me to…”

    “LOOK! This is a CUSTOMER SERVICE issue, and if you aren’t willing to help a CUSTOMER, then you’re in the WRONG JOB! GO BACK IN THE SEWER WITH THE REST OF THE RATS!!!”

    Finally, a super comes by to take the call. Now, my super is just a glorified customer service rep. She has no idea how to talk to this woman about her problem. I have to sit down and explain it to her as best I can. “See, she wants to know that her jimmysinterweb.com email address will be changed. And it won’t. As long as she keeps her account, she won’t notice any change at all. There is NO WAY she could be affected by any of this.” My super nods, having at least enough info to start the conversation.

    “Hello, my name is Gloria, I’m a supervisor in this department. How may I help you?”

    “Well, first of all, Linkv should be fired!” I proceeded to do a little happy dance while she said this. “And second of all, how DARE you change my e-mail address!?!? And why can’t I get someone to help me with this!?”

    “Ma’am, if you have concerns with your e-mail account, that is something that Linkv can help you with. That is his department.”

    “No, that is NOT something that he can help me with! I don’t ever want to talk to him again! This is a customer service issue and I need to speak to a person in high authority about it! You can’t just go changing people’s e-mail addresses!”

    “Linkv has looked over your account, and he’s verified that your e-mail address is the same as it always was.”

    “Then what about this bill I got saying that I now have a CableISP.com address?”

    “That’s true, you do also have that. However, you don’t need to use it and you can continue to use your old one as if nothing happened.”

    “And you can assure me that my old address will be in service for good?”

    My super looks at me like she’s about to ask where babies come from. I just shrug “Look, we don’t have any corporate policy in place on this. Fact is, we’ve been maintaining those addresses for years, and we’ve got no reason to ever stop. I just don’t see this ever being a problem.”

    My super unmutes the headset. “We have no plans to cancel our jimmysinterweb.com addresses.”

    “THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I want a promise, IN WRITING and SIGNED by someone in authority that my e-mail address will go unchanged for at least a year! Can you do that?”

    “No, ma’am. That’s not a promise I’m capable of making. However, like Linkv said…”

    “Then I want to talk to someone who can get me that in writing!”

    “Issues such as that are decided at the corporate level. There is not one person I could direct you to that would be able to give you that.”

    “That is unacceptable. I have a whole year’s worth of business cards and advertisements printed up, and if my e-mail address is going to change, I need TO KNOW ABOUT IT NOW!!!”

    Hosebeast was eventually promised a call from one of the higher-ups, but of course, she wouldn’t be able to offer the magical written promise any more than we could. Even my boss said it was one for the record books. Once she’d been promised the call back, she calmed down to a civil tone, then proceeded to get irate again when we *thanked her for calling*.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Damn! I don't think I could ever be in your line of work. If a customer spoke to me like that, I would send her packing; I don't have that kind of patience. I feel for you. -TheGhost
  • Now a thought: Can you find any reason, even the tiniest legal loophole to cancel her acount? See if she can find something to do with her "year's worth of business cards" with the wrong address. I think you can even suggest her what to do with them. <EG> -TheGhost
  • Hosebeast: "Back in the sewer with the rest of the rats..." ThreeBucks: "Ma'm, let me tell you about a porupine's balls..." -ThreeBucks
  • I bow to you. I would've bitched her out and my boss(who also happens to be me )would've kicked her in the ass for good measure. -momo
  • I'm surprised you had the decency to fill in the supervisor. It would have been a verrrrry cold transfer, coming from me (just so that the bitch would have wasted a few more minutes of her precious time, and become angrier) -ThinTheHerd
  • Presonally I never took that shit more that 3 times. 1..........2.......THREE STRIKES YOUR OUT. I have hung up on more people than I can count. I never got shit for it. My final line was "If you dont want to DONT INTERUPPT solve this problem, I'm not wasting my time, call back later. <click> I even got monitored once doing that. I made a deal, if the sub called back and asked for a supe, I'd pay $100. If not then they learned a lesson of ACT YOUR FUCKING AGE. -burrkiss
  • Wow, that sounds like half of my customers who don't get what they want!!!!! *blinks* -taieena
  • it's unfortunate you couldn't hang up on her. whatta bitch. maybe you could have her email herself, to prove to herself she's a moron? good job on that one though. -ravingmadman
  • What kind of "businessperson" uses a starfish@jimmysinterweb address on business cards? At least set up a domain and forwarder for ~$15 a year.. -Divinar
  • My mom still has a $ISP dialup email address (partly used for business). When $ISP changed to broadband, she didn't see why she couldn't transfer her email address "like the ads said" (because somebody on the broadband side got that address already, or you're not going through the proper steps). So, she has broadband which she uses to collect her email from the dialup account *headdesk*. -Dreamstalker
  • "Well, hosebeast, if you're so freaking important, and you can't proceed without it being fixed; I'D SUGGEST YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET US TELL YOU WHY IT'S STILL WORKING, IT'LL TAKE A LOT LESS TIME THAN YOUR NEEPING ABOUT IT!" Now, if that wouldn't lead to your being escorted out within two minutes.... -MadJack
  • *after reading a follow-up complaint letter from the customer* "Yes, Ma'am, I can see from the business card that you included that you've invested quite a bit on your new cards, and I'm glad we can keep you with the same e-mail address to assure you that you didn't waste your money. Oh, by the way, did you notice that the printer misspelled your name on your business card?" *run for my life, grinning* -Voz
  • Oh yea. You are a saint for dealing with that. I have no patience for that crap either. I probably would have put her on the endless hold to "wait for the supervisor". Very appropriate name you've given her. -FixitWench
  • What a fucking bitch, you had a lot more paitence than I would have in that situation. sounds all too familiar though, I worked for a cable isp (maybe same one as you) and we did email domain conversion on some of the smaller markets and I had this same asshat type call. They need to be shot, click click pull... enough said. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • What a See You Next Tuesday -thx1138
  • Someone ready the Spam cannon, we have a likely target. -lineswine
  • How about this (stretch of the truth): "Ma'am, under terms of service, if you are abusive to the techs, your account WILL be terminated and your business cards will be no good purely because you have been abusive to the tech -- who was trying to tell you that you don't need to worry about it. Now, will you apologize or do we terminate your account?" Of course, no supervisor will ever say something like that. -Captain Trips
  • In a sane company, that account would have been termed by the end of the call. -Robster2001
  • And then, Cap, she'll have to call MY company to replace those business cards... and neep and nop about how she can't create them b/c she can't upload a .ai file created on Mac (we support only Windows & Linux formats), will have to get someone to help her create her card image AGAIN, try uploading again, and then neep & nop about how her 40mb .tif won't successfully upload.... (No shit, some people designing images for their cards try to use freaking humongous 20Mb+ 8.5x11 hi-res .tif photos for use as background on 2x3.5 business cards.... the farking thing won't even fit! -MadJack
  • 169. Psycho Hosebeast (Chapter 1)

    A long time ago (and actually, still today) there was a mighty broadband provider called CableISP. CableISP was a nationwide company, providing services to several cities across the US, as well as employment to myself at one point in my life. In the days before the dot-com crash, CableISP had merged and partnered with many broadband companies, and had gone on a buying spree to pick up countless small-time dial-up providers. As a result, CableISP became the new owner of many domains. In addition to CableISP.com, it now owned PowerISP.net, pfy.com, jimmysinterweb.com, and kaboom.com. To minimize customer problems, the company decided to maintain each Domain indefinitely, so that customers would not need to change their settings or e-mail information.

    The day eventually came that CableISP decided to use the same stationary for all of its customers. After that date, all bills sent to customers came from CableISP, regardless of who they had originally signed up with. Some of our customers were on long prepaid contracts, and didn’t get a bill more than once every year or two. It was a little disorienting, I’m sure, but most customers came to understand that it was no different than being a member of a bank that had switched owners. In the words of Yoda, it mattered not. They continued to receive e-mail at their old addresses, ie starfish@jimmysinterweb.com, and always had the option to change it to starfish@cableisp.com via a setting on their account.

    Then, one fateful day, I get a warm transfer from the Customer Service department. A very weary rep is on the other end, telling me that she has a customer who is “upset that we changed her e-mail address.” Hmmm… first things first, I verify the e-mail settings. The customer, who we’ll call Hosebeast, has a dialup account with a jimmysinterweb address. She’s never activated the setting to convert it to a CableISP address, so there have been no changes to her account. I tell the Customer Service rep to patch Hosebeast through.

    “Thank you for calling, this is Linkv, how may I help you?”

    “Linkv! Are you a supervisor!?!?”

    “No, ma’am, I am not. This is technical support. I understand you are…”

    “I told her to transfer me to a supervisor!!! I have something I need to discuss with a supervisor!!”

    “Ma’am, from what the Customer Service department indicated, you were having trouble with your e-mail. What…”

    “I told her to transfer me to a supervisor! This is a customer service issue, NOT a technical support issue!”

    “Ma’am, if you have questions about your e-mail, then indeed you are in the correct department. Now, just so I can confir—“

    “TRANSFER ME NOW!”

    “Ma’am, I cannot transfer you, as you are already in the correct department.”

    “I don’t need technical support! I’ve had my e-mail address changed and I need it changed back! You can’t just change stuff like that on people!” While she’s screaming, I pull up her e-mail and send a test message to her jimmysinterweb account. It goes through just fine.

    “I understand how alarming it would be for you. If I could clarify what has—“

    “I DON’T NEED YOU TO DO ANYTHING!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW CABLEISP’S DEPARTMENTS WORK, AND I DON’T CARE, GET ME TO YOUR SUPERVISOR SO I CAN GET THIS STRAIGHTENED OUT! I’M TIRED OF WASTING TIME!”

    “If you are tired of wasting time, I suggest you allow me to help you, or you will waste a lot more of it.”

    “I don’t want your help! I want to speak to your supervisor! NOW!!!!”

    “Ma’am, this is not a supervisor issue. You have reached the correct department. If you would let me confirm…”

    “STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!! I’m a BUSINESSPERSON! I’ve got things to do! I don’t have time to waste on the phone! I need answers now!!!”

    “Then please allow me to answer your questions. YOU ARE IN THE CORRECT DEPARTMENT!”

    “Don’t argue with me! When a customer asks to speak to a supervisor, you are legally obligated to get them one!”

    [By: linkv]
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  • Legally obligated to trans them to a super? My ass. -ThreeBucks
  • That would have been an ideal opportunity to transfer them to the legal dept :P -modeski
  • legally.............ROTFLLMGDMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! -burrkiss
  • Actually madam, in these circumstances, all I'm legally obligated to do is offer you a boot to the head. -flapjackboy
  • wow. they must be really successful in business too, all those people skills, and abounding logic.... -ravingmadman
  • ..sure thing, I'll transfer you right away, my super's name is Mr. Tone...stand by..." <click> -fdiskcuresall
  • Legally obligated to transfer to a sup? To quote The Gord, "Looks like someone took the $5 law class instead of the $10 one" -snJimboip
  • "What a fascinating theory, ma'am. Shall we continue?" -Geminii
  • "@jimmysinterweb.com" roflmao!!!!ONEONE!111 -missourimule
  • 170. Train Crash

    This started out as a Customer Misconception, but it's not so much a mistaken idea as the breaking of a misconception. It's a collision in their heads when they're told they're wrong-- their starfish instincts compel them to argue, yet their empty heads know they don't have the facts to do so. The conflict between the two impulses can be observed in a very obvious CRASH occurring between their eyes. On a clear day, you can see the smoke coming out of their ears.

    "Excuse me, how do I connect this router?"

    "Do you have cable or DSL?"

    "DSL."

    "Okay, you would connect this to your DSL modem, and you can hard-wire up to four computers into the back right here. The antennas take care of the wireless part."

    "Can't I just plug the phone line into this? Isn't there a DSL modem built in?"

    "No, Sir."

    Customer's eyes get wide and.... CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA... SCREEEEEEEEEEECHHHH---CRAAAAAASSSHHH!!!!!

    "But, don't all these routers have built-in DSL modems?"

    "No, Sir. None of them do."

    "GASP!" and then CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGAA- KABOOM!

    [By: linkv]
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  • That is the best description I've ever heard of the look in their eyes as they stutter and vainly try to pretend they know something--anything!--but what they've convinced themselves is right. -TranceGemini
  • I like it! -fdiskcuresall
  • Of course he probably only has a plain phone line and is trying to use dsl because some buddy of his said that dsl uses your phone line. -McSmiley
  • I've got $5 on McSmiley for the win -deskmonkey
  • Some DSL modems also have routers built-in. I believe they're 2-Wire brand? -EagleEye
  • Combined router (wired) / DSL modem kept me going happily. Co-worker had a wired/wireless/DSL unit. They do exist. -fearmyroot
  • 171. Bad eBay Seller! No Donut!
    http://cgi.ebay.com/BATMAN-VS-BANE-BRAIN-BRAWN-robin-movie_W0QQitemZ6049977693QQcategoryZ2480QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
    [By: linkv]
    Comment on Story

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  • aaagghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the ad, its burns us!!!!!!!! -timelady
  • my poor scrool wheel.. its.. its... I wanna new.. wait, there it goes. NM. -Harm
  • I'm blind!!!! -Starfury
  • See, THIS is why the W3C needs a secret police wing. "Sir, you've been found abusing .css, please come this way." ... And cut the guy's head off in his garage. -MeanDean
  • Sweet Baby Juju!!! My retinas.... They've imploded!!!! -Bleakphoenix
  • Who are they trying to get the massage to - BlindTech ? -Wonko The Sane
  • Who are they trying to get the massage to - BlindTech ? -Wonko The Sane
  • Hey Blindtech, what does you screen reader do with large text - shout it ? -Wonko The Sane
  • They are the people who buy Amps with volume controls that go up to 22, not just 11.... -Wonko The Sane
  • Just for kicks I tried making my font smaller to see what it actually said. Of course, the rest of the text was then 1 pixel tall! Evil!! Evil!!! *runs of screaming* -pmillipede
  • *stabs eyes with forks so that they can never be violated again in such a fashion* -flapjackboy
  • Oh, like THAT'S any worse than picturing namor, burkiss, mismule and a few other miscreats 'round here sitting in the ZGB Tavern drinking some kind of home brewed milky beverage. (Evil - EVIL sadistic grin.) Don;tcha hate those milk mustaches? -ShujinTribble
  • *strokes chin, quietly comtemplating ST's demise* :p -missourimule
  • Would that beverage be 'Cumiss'? (Kumiss is made from horse milk) -TieDyedDinosaur
  • This "Power Seller's" store isn't any better. -STJ
  • Where's the brain bleach???!!! -sassicatz
  • The seller is compensating for something... -Divinar
  • Compensating for a small... organ you write with? (No, I don't mean 'in the snow'!) -Gaah
  • even dropping the text size all the way down, the yellow is huge. too big to fit across the page. -drea
  • Well, <style type="devil's advocate"> he does say that it's the "biggest store for action figures on eBay" -- at two 1280px screens wide, he'd likely be right.</style> All the same -- where's my CSS-LART stick? -chazz
  • Aaaiiieeee.... I have seen worse though; imagine a listing in roughly the same format where -every single- size tag was left open. -Dreamstalker
  • But it comes complete with a "guarentee"! -TechMama
  • "...YEAH! But *MY* FONT tag goes to 11!" -ShujinTribble
  • 172. Worst Call Ever, pt II
    “Well, that’s true. It’ll go for over $200 on eBay, used. But it’s based on a true story about a group of noblemen who got together and decided to have a celebration. They gathered up a group of young boys and tortured and molested them in every way imaginable. Then, when they were done, the children were buried in a mass grave.”

    “Uhhh… yes. So I’ve heard. Terrible story.” And no, I don’t like movies about gladiators, in case you were wondering.

    “There’s lots of movies like that out there that some people never find. Do you ever import movies?”

    “Can’t say that I do. I mean, I know I can, but I have trouble finding time to watch all the US movies I’ve been interested in.”

    “Well, let me give you a place to buy a good-quality region-free DVD player…” Uhh… buddy, I work in an electronics store. We’ve got tons of DVD players right here, and probably 90% of them can be made region-free with the right Googling. He gives me a web address, I look it up, and he tells me about their wonderful shipping policies.

    “Thanks, really. I’ll look into that.” I’m really looking at my watch. It’s 5 minutes into lunchtime. One of my colleagues comes up and mimes that I’m supposed to go (he’s next in line for lunch, and every minute I’m late is therefore a minute he’s late). My caller is still talking about DVD players, and as much as I’m trying to end the discussion, it seems I can’t. I wave my co-worker off to take my lunch, and I will simply have to take his when the time comes. Mousey walks by just then on his way to lunch. His eyes get real big, and he whispers ‘Are you still on with the mouse guy?’ I nod. He looks like he just shot someone ‘I’m so, so sorry.’ I shrug. I wasn’t getting yelled at, so it could be worse.

    “And here’s another website I want to give you. It’ll let you download and print new covers for your DVD collection. They’re 600 dpi or better! Did you know the movie industry is cheaping out, and only making their covers at 300 dpi?” Wow, buddy, that’s some fantastic free time you have there.

    “Uhh… no, I can’t say that I’ve ever noticed that.” And neither has anyone else I’ve ever asked, which adequately explains the ‘cheaping out’.

    “There’s a lot of stuff that some people never consider. For instance, take medicine. Do you know what I do for a living? I’m a registered herbalist.”

    “Oh?” It was the only response I could think of that didn’t convey my frustration at being on the phone this long. In the past 40 minutes, I’d been walking around the store in loops, trying to stay in quieter areas so that I could have this extremely odd discussion without customers overhearing. The entire computer department was keeping an eye on me, the same way you’d watch a drunk friend trying to get out of Chinese finger traps.

    “Yes. It’s very much the same as a doctor. You treat patients and you have to spend the same amount of time in medical school. It’s a practice where you use basic vitamins and nutirients to treat ailments. However, you probably haven’t heard of it because the practice is only recognized in 13 states. I was shocked to find that out after I got my degree.”

    Wow… so, you spent 10 years in school, and never bothered to check and see if there was a job waiting for you when you were done?

    “My wife didn’t want to move, so she left me.” Without making judgements on anyone involved, I’m guessing there were other factors.

    “I’m sorry to hear that. But it must be fascinating work.” I knew saying that would drag out the conversation even more… but at this point, it seemed like a lost cause. I try to wait for another pause so that I can bail, but it won’t come…

    “Yes, indeed. There are so many things around us that can heal our bodies better than traditional pharmaceuticals. Now, son, I don’t want to embarrass you, but I’d like to talk to you about HIV.”

    AM I ON THE RADIO?!?! What the hell… I’m standing in a computer department, surrounded by customers who can’t get help because I’m on the phone, all of whom are giving me funny looks because of what my end of the conversation sounds like, my stomach is grumbling, and I’ve got a handicapped herbalist DVD enthusiast giving me advice on STDs. To say this was not in the job description would be the understatement of the goddamned millennium.

    “Now, the media would like you to believe that someone with HIV is terminally ill. And that is true, they will always have the condition. BUT, don’t be afraid of it. If you boost your body’s immune system using Vitamin C and other such herbs, you can counteract the effects of the condition and continue to live a normal life, though it won’t defeat the disease itself.”

    “Ummm… that makes sense.” My colleague and Mousey have both returned. They stare in shock at me. “Same guy?” they whisper? I nod. It’s been 90 minutes since I’ve picked up the phone. My manager is now convinced that the only thing that will end this call is the battery in the phone dying.

    The call didn’t end there. Before we were done, the gentleman and I discussed Nikola Tesla, the virtues of DC power over AC, and how to create hearing loss in reverse. I kept from being completely useless by putting loose products in their appropriate cases while I talked with this guy. Every second that went on, the topics got more and more off the wall, and yet I kept thinking that, were I not here trying to earn a living, this guy would probably be a lot of fun to talk to. And he probably was pretty lonely. I found it so odd that one of the longest and strangest calls I ever had to take was not a starfish at all, but just an eccentric guy who was a loyal customer. We eventually managed to end our discussion that day, and sir, if you happen to read this, I did mean it when I said we were glad to have you as a customer. Thanks for a fun memory.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Footnote: Mousey felt so bad about handing me that phone that he gave me all the takeout pizza left over from his lunch. The pizza was plentiful and quite tasty, and while I wouldn't have held a grudge anyway, the pizza was very much appreciated. -linkv
  • Okay, that beats my story about the lady that thought the lead singer of Steely Dan was stalking her online... -EagleEye
  • "Sir? The battery in this phone is dying. I'm going to have to cut this conversation short. Catch you later." -Geminii
  • And I thought the guy who (after I had completed my field call) decided to share with me his collection of amputee porn was weird. (No joke, this really did happen. He was an old, lonely vet who just wanted a little company.) -bassman
  • A pothead who likes to d/l illegal movies of questionable nature, including stuff with kids getting molested and killed whos wife left him and who talks endlessly about any-ole disjointed topics.... I REALLY don;t wanna know what's in this guys closset. -ShujinTribble
  • Shujin, his wife didn't LEAVE him necessarily..........*ahem*... yeah, don't look in the closet... -EagleEye
  • cool you got Michael Savage on the phone. -SGTARKyTEK
  • Right, I HAVE a professional degree in viral studies and immune systems as well as several chronic illnesses and a fucked spine and disabled or no, if I meet that guy - I'm tearing him a new fucking hole in his head. WHAT COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT. If he spent 3 years learning that kind of complete horseshit and tries to convince others that deadly diseases can be cured with a fucking placebo vitamin then he's the biggest fucking moron EVER. Including MCB - at least SHE never thought that severe diseases can be cured with a goddamn fucking vitamin pill. What a fucking moron, please tell me his idiocy hasn't bred, I'd hate forthere to be more of his dipshit DNA running around (yes, I am annoyed, I have enough of dumb people telling me my ailments can be cured with prayer, or not eating carbs, or doing yoga, or sticking a fucking British flag up my butt and dancing around naked singing the fucking goddamn birdie song). -CommanderData
  • ...what birdy song? (BLINK - Deadpan) -ShujinTribble
  • Interchangable with the 'muppet show' theme tune. -CommanderData
  • S: "Why DO we always come here?" | W: "I guess we'll never know." | S: "It's like a kind of torture..." | W: "--to have to watch this show."</Man, do I miss GOOD clean comedy on TV> -ShujinTribble
  • It would appear that he wasn't visitting enough sites through his computer. csicop.org, randi.org, skeptic.com, quackwatch.com, and others would give that guy a better education than he already has. -HidariMak
  • ...and on top of that, to know about Nikola Tesla and STILL think DC better than AC? Really. (BTW, CD dancing around naked may not do a lot for her, but the vision does a heck of a lot for me!) -Captain Trips
  • I fear this post and most of the comments. Please excuse me, I'll be drinking bleach by the gallon over here in the corner. -TranceGemini
  • 173. Worst Call Ever, pt I

    Gather ‘round the fire, my dear tech friends. Linkv the Tech Skunk is here to tell a very special tech story. It may be the strangest story I ever have the honor to tell. This is the tale of the worst call I ever had. It wasn’t contested. This incident was so bizarre that there can be no doubt and no question that this takes the cake. Ironically enough, I didn’t get this call while on the phones at CableISP, but on the sales floor of RetailComputerStore. And the caller wasn’t a starfish at all, but a very kind and apparently intelligent man who had made some very odd decisions in life. We shall begin…

    It was a busy Sunday. I had wrapped up with one customer and was headed back over to the middle of the store to find another. A co-worker I’ll call “Mousey” comes up to me and hands me a phone. “Could you take this please? This guy just has a question on a mouse…” Ahem. Yes, TSCers, I know what you’re thinking. Restrain yourself, for this is just as good as the ‘new mouse’ guy. So, my co-worker says “Could you take this please? This guy just has a question on a mouse. I’d do it, but we’re swamped over here…” I look over and he’s correct. As busy as my own department is, his is worse. I’m glad to pitch in. Besides, I have a half hour until lunch… so a phone call should take about 5-10 minutes, and then a quick sale will probably get me through to lunch.

    “Hi, thanks for holding. This is Linkv, how can I help you?”

    “Hi, I just bought this mouse with a scroll lock. I can’t get the drag lock feature to work.”

    “Okay, which one did you get?”

    He reads me a Kensington part number. I walk over, pick up that model mouse, and try my best to follow along. Seems he’s done everything right, and the mouse works fine, with the exception of the drag lock. I ask if he’s used the CD that came with it. He says he did. I ask him to try it again. He does, it doesn’t work. We then remove any mouse settings at all from Windows, and try again. Still no luck. He follows along with no coaxing and very little handholding.

    “So, what would you suggest we do now? Should I bring it back?”

    “That’s an option we can give you. You have 30 days to return any mouse products, and you are well within that. However, if you’re going to exchange it, I’d hate to see you get home and have the same thing happen with your new mouse. My suggestion would be this: before you make the trip down, please call Kensington directly and see if this is a known issue with this item. They might have information that we don’t, and it would prevent you from wasting a trip. If that doesn’t help, feel free to bring the mouse back.”

    “Well, would you say, in your professional opinion, there’s nothing more we can do about this?”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “I agree. Thank you for your time. By the way…”

    … and here’s where this all goes downhill…

    “… I’ve always been very impressed by the service I’ve gotten from your store. I’m a longtime customer, and I’ve always been treated well.”

    “Well, thank you very much, sir. We’re glad to have you as a customer, and it does mean a lot when we get such generous feedback.”

    “Now, I don’t make it into the store much. I haven’t been there in years. You see, I’m in a wheelchair and confined to my home, so when I want something, I need to send my helpers out for it.” Now, of course, this is not the funny part. I would never consider it amusing that this guy lost the use of his legs. As I said, he genuinely seemed like a very kind person. However, the context this bit of information creates will make the funny parts of this story even funnier.

    “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    “Oh, well, I live through my home, and that’s why I’m so particular about what I buy. I use my electronics on a constant basis. It’s how I see the world.” I smile and my tail puffs up. I can relate to that. “I have a huge DVD collection, of titles from all over the world. I have DVDs that are very valuable, and some that haven’t even made it to this country yet. Are you into DVDs at all?”

    “Why, yes! I have a very large collection. I’m a movie enthusiast, so I love having lots of stuff on hand to watch. I’m sure my collection is tiny compared to yours, though.”

    “I have thousands of movies. I search the internet for new titles all the time. Have you ever heard of Salo?” Wow, thousands of movies, and this is the title you pick to discuss with a total stranger?

    “I’ve heard of it, but never seen it. It’s out-of-print and very hard to find.”

    [By: linkv]
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  • I'm scared... <turns the page with shaking hands> -TheGhost
  • 174. Let's Help The Customers

    It has come to my attention that some customers need more help than others, and perhaps it's time we gave them all a chance to get a clue. For all suctomers, feel free to enroll in Starfish University, where we offer the following courses:

    • English 101: Meaning and Interpretation of the Word "No"
    • Physics 345: The Impossible. Finally understand why whining cannot transport a tech 30 miles away to your front door, and why complaining cannot pull an out-of-stock item from thin air
    • Economics 204: Everyone else has to pay for things, you do too.
    • Sociology 321: Planet Earth contains people aside from yourself.
    • History 294: You are not the first idiot I've had to deal with, you won't be the last. Chances are, I'm ready for you.

    Should the student fail one or more of these courses, they will need to attend summer school, and the only class there is "Physical Education". MWhahahaha!!

    [By: linkv]
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  • I can teach them sex ed. -burrkiss
  • There's always Electronics 666 - Shock therapy! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Sign me up, I mean, er, uh, them, yea, them. Sign them up. -FixitWench
  • Psychology 201: Threats or raising your voice will not make me help you more. In fact, it will likely make me help you less. -TheSingingTech
  • Geology 301: Get out from under your rock! Windows 95 is NOT high tech! -TheSingingTech
  • Psych 101: Kissing it will get better response than trying to kick it. Techs laugh at threats. -srteach
  • law 215 - the world dont owe you a living. we dont owe you credit for days offline because you didnt pay your bill. -timelady
  • biology 843 why you should not breed, genetics for the brainless. -timelady
  • So, SFU is Starfish University? I thought it meant ... something else... :D -TheGhost
  • I'm never going to look at Simon Fraser University (one of the universities around here) the same way again... -Frazzled
  • Math 200: Why 300mb files should not be emailed. -redevil34
  • English 105: Words with more then two letters. -redevil34
  • Geography 100: Left, right, up, down, top and bottom. -redevil34
  • Geography 200: Locating buttons and lights. - Prereq - Art 100: Basic colors <somebody stop me!!!!> -redevil34
  • Environmental Awarness 219- the differece between " all the lights are on" and the *Actual* lights that are lit. -Harm
  • English 317- RTFM- how to R. -Harm
  • Introduction to Law - why you really have NO GROUNDS to sue. -Harm
  • Intermetiate Legal studies- EUA ( EULA), your signature- and a legaly binding contract. Tied in with Basic english, reading comprehention. -Harm
  • Advanced LART - UP AGAINST THE F4Ck1n9 WALL! and how severe a beating to expect on basis of neepage. -Harm
  • Electrical Engineering 245: You can't plug the power strip into itself. -concept14
  • Chemistry 101 - Nitrogen+Glycerin=Kaboom. -momo
  • Economics 900: Your horny little rugrat running up a long-distance bill online is NOT our responsibility. Prereq - Philosophy 900: As a matter of fact, your kid WOULD do something like that when you're not around... -PTSTech
  • Ethics 101: Why you can't pay me $5 to knock $10 of the price of your service. -Parilla
  • Business Ethics and Law 300 - M$, R1AA, Illegal Downlaods and Your Wallet or Why Am I Being Sued? -redevil34
  • Zoology and Animal Husbandry: How to get a NEEEWWWW MOUUUUUUUSE! <please let the LART shelter be unlocked when I get there...? -Diptera
  • OHHHH, I got detention, no paper or pens needed, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a LART!!! -STJ
  • I can teach a course in Chainsaw Repair... Although attendance of the other courses may suffer after a couple of weeks. -MeanDean
  • Security 254: Why you should still be careful opening email and downloading even though you have and Antivirus program. -CaffeineHead
  • Electricity 101 - why your computer won't run if the power grid is out. -ecoli
  • 175. My Standard Response

    *beep*

    "Thank you for calling CableISP, for what reason are you disrupting my lunch?

    "I can't access my newsgroups."

    Wow. It's very rare I get a usenet call. A glimmer of hope grows. Perhaps I have someone on the phone who has a clue? I start troubleshooting, checking his connectivity for e-mail and the web. All good there. It's definately only affecting usenet. We check his reader's settings, all are fine there. So, process of elimination makes me suspect it is a firewall issue. "Sir, please temporarily disable your firewall and try again to connect."

    "I will NOT disable my firewall. That would expose my computer to any number of viruses."

    Hmmm... +3 points for knowing enough to secure your system properly, -10 for arguing with the tech. You still lose. No matter, I have another trick up my sleeve. "Okay, then, please reboot your computer.

    "Why?

    Oooohhhh... wrong response. This is the last 'nice' answer you get. Because that is the next step in the troubleshooting process.

    "That is a standard response."

    "That is correct, sir, now please let me know when Windows had reloaded."

    "What will rebooting my computer accomplish?"

    "At this time, the most likely source of your problem is a misconfigured firewall. The easiest way to troubleshoot that is for you to shut down your firewall and then attempt the connection again. As you refused to do that, another less ideal option is to reboot the computer and return it to a known state. This can reset minor software glitches."

    "WELL! I have been working with computers for TWELVE years, and I know that 'reboot your computer'... is a STANDARD RESPONSE."

    "Yes, sir, and for good reason. Please let me know when Windows has reloaded."

    "I am not going to reboot my computer. I simply do not have time for that. The problem is not my firewall, it's on your end, and I want you to file a report. You are just giving me a standard response."

    "Sir, if I sumbit a ticket to the system administrator, I will need to list the troubleshooting steps taken and the results of said steps. As you have refused to follow any of my suggestions, this ticket would be closed without further action."

    "Well, I'll umm...reboot later." The customer then hung up. Oddly enough, no further issues were listed on the account for quite some time. It would seem his problem did indeed disappear... possibly after he rebooted?

    [By: linkv]
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  • What a maroon! </Bugs> -RandalGraves
  • What a FUCKTARD. Another mister thinks he fucking knows it all, and knows very little -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Windows Fault Finding 101: Step 1 - Reboot Computer, Step 2 - There is no step 2 in WFF 101, you need WFF 102 for step 2... ;) -Wonko The Sane
  • I follow what a tech says. I have, however, called bullshit on a tech and will do so again. Brand new video card arrived shot. Blocks of garbage and colors during the POST. Continuing on into Windows. Card crashing almost instantly with any form of 3d acceleration. Call for RMA, tech tells me the card needs new drivers. I explained I had the most recent nVidia drivers and this was showing corruption during the POST. He says new Windows drivers will fix that. I call BS and ask for another tech, next tech immediately issues an RMA. Sound advice like rebooting the computer when it seems relavent I'll do (even if I already did it), but when a tech tries to bullshit out of having to do his/her job, I'll point it out. BTW, the guy you talked to is an ass. -snJimboip
  • Yes, the guy you talked to was a fucktard, but you can make it sound palatable if you feel it worth the effort. "Windows was written by a team of some thousand programmers, and when you have that many people working together, some corners will get overlooked -- 'hey, that's George's job.' Some of those corners will have to do with house-cleaning. As Windows runs, junk piles up in those corners until there is so much junk piled up, you can't do what you want to do for all the junk. A standard troubleshooting step is to reboot the system, because that sweeps away a lot of the junk and allows us to start with a pretty clean house." -chazz
  • you could have also pointed out that his firewall is doing about jack shit to preventhim from getting a virus. at most it is prevent the viruses from actually working on his mahine, but resonses like that show exactly how little the user knows. -xtc46
  • I've called BS on a tech, from india about my vontage connection before. Every other question he asked was "Please hold while I look at your account(IE, wait for my screen to reload with my next steps). -STJ
  • Oh I do love those "I know about computers and a reboot won't help!" calls. 99% of the time the reboot DOES work and they end up with egg on their face. Sometimes literally, depends on what mood I'm in. -CommanderData
  • i guess he didn't want to stop his porn downloads through limewire -LiQUidICicle
  • oh, nvm he had connectivity issues -LiQUidICicle
  • 176. Credit Wars, Episode III, Chapter 2

    Haha, no you don’t. You’re supposed to, but you piss and moan every few weeks until someone knocks a few bucks off. Well, sorry, but Homey don’t play dat. ”Sir, the payment you make pays for the cable modem service and accessing the web and any server on an unblocked port. We offer e-mail, usenet, and webspace as courtesy services, but they aren’t billable because technically we don’t charge for them.”

    ”Well, seriously, do you think most of your customers see it that way?”

    ”It really doesn’t matter. That is the way our service works. Most of our customers don’t really understand how ANY of it operates, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are responsible for maintaining this service and thus we are able to determine when a credit is warranted and when it is not.”

    ”I don’t really see what the big deal is. It’s only $4.”

    ”This isn’t a case where credit is warranted, sir.”

    ”Well, what about ‘Just keeping the customer happy?’”

    ”I do apologize if you are unhappy with your service, sir, but as I’ve indicated, your service has been functioning properly. We don’t credit for issues caused by the setup of your computer.”

    ”Well, maybe you could put the credit on there and just, y’know, call it something else? ”

    ”That would be an example of a credit being issued fraudulently, sir. I am not going to lie in order to get you a credit.”

    ”Well, you don’t have to lie. I mean, there have been lots of times my service went down and I never asked for a credit…” Ha. With your account history, I don’t think so.

    ”I’m reviewing your account notes, sir, and I’m not seeing any troubleshooting done on your cable modem for the past two months.”

    ”Yeah, I never called it in.”

    ”Sir, if you experienced difficulty, and did not report it, we cannot issue credit for that.”

    ”Well, look, I’m a busy guy. What do you think my time is worth?” Based on the fact that you’ve now been on the phone for an hour arguing over $4, I would conclude that your time is worth $4/hour.

    ”I understand your frustration, sir, but we can’t credit for issues we don’t know about.”

    ”So you’re not giving me credit for this?”

    ”No, sir.”

    ”Then I’d like to talk to a supervisor.”

    ”This is not a supervisor issue, sir. There is nothing here that warrants a credit. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    ”I want to talk to a supervisor.”

    ”As I’ve said, this is not a supervisor issue. A supervisor would not be able to tell you anything different.”

    ”I don’t care! I want to speak to a supervisor now!”

    Ah, well. I page a super and am told it’ll be a few minutes. Damn, what a shame. I prop my feet up and leave the putz on mute. Supervisor Patty comes on over, hears my side of the story, looks at his credit history, and says “Wow, you’re right. We should have nipped this in the bud. This guy just keeps calling up and thinking he can get a few bucks off whenever he wants.”

    ”Good afternoon, sir, my name is Patty and I’m a supervisor. How may I help you?”

    ”Hello. Are you familiar with this situation.”

    ”Yes, sir.”

    ”Yeah, I think I’m entitled to get credit for this.”

    ”I’m sorry, sir, but this isn’t an issue we can give credit for.”

    ”Well, who could give me credit for this?”

    ”Sir, this company does not issue credit for that.”

    ”Don’t you have a department that specializes in helping unhappy customers?”

    ”Yes, sir.”

    ”And what is that department called?”

    My super gulps. She can see what’s coming too. ”Advanced Customer Care.” She must have made that up on the spot. We always just called it “Retention”, which is short for “Suck the customer’s dick so they don’t cancel.”

    ”Then transfer me to them.”

    My boss tells me to do it. I dial Retention’s number. ”Hi there. This is Linkv from Cable Modem Support. I’ve got a gentleman on the line who’s asking for credit for an e-mail issue. Now, as you know, we have a policy of NEVER, EVER issuing credit for e-mail. In addition, there’s nothing else on his account that’s due credit. This guy is a leech—if you give him credit, he’ll just be back for more next week. Do whatever you need to do, but DON’T GIVE HIM CREDIT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!” I put them on mute and listened. After all that time on the phone, I felt I owed myself some resolution.

    ”Thank you for calling, this is Spineless, how may I help you?”

    ”Yeah, I’ve had trouble with my e-mail, and I asked for a $4 credit, and they won’t give it to me!”

    ”I’m sorry to hear about your difficulty, sir. I can give you that credit right away. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    ”Well, do you know how long I had to be on the phone before I could get to you? I had to argue with them for an hour and a half! I really don’t think that shows you value my business. I’m thinking of canceling.”

    ”Well, sir, I’m sorry to hear that. To keep your business, I can offer to put a special retention promotion on your account, and so you’d only pay half-price for your services for the rest of the year. Would that be acceptable?”

    ”Yes, thank you very much.”

    GRRRGH! It was all I could do not to unmute it and scream “What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you see what happens when you give in to dips like this? They’re never happy, no matter what you do. He wouldn’t have canceled, he was bluffing! And even if he wasn’t, it still would have been cheaper in the long run to lose his account rather than keep throwing money at him month after month! And is sure as hell would have been cheaper than taking a massive loss on his account for a solid year! This is why retention can be even worse than sales… sales just brings in customers, but retention thinks their job is to spoil the leeches while letting the good, paying, quiet customers continue paying full rate.

    This is why I’m not a retention agent. Linkv’s motto is “The squeaky wheel gets taken off and replaced with a good one.”

    [By: linkv]
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  • I wonder if Ferrari/Lamborghini/Rolls Royce have a retention department I could scam "You dont understand I OWN an F60 which I drove off a cliff, can I get another one?" <bfeg> -momo
  • The squeaky wheel gets the axe. -Geminii
  • They not only bend over backwards for the customer, but forwards as well. -Wraith556
  • I've admitted when I was wrong and credited appropriately, but that deserves trial by fire. Burn them. -namor
  • I saw it commin'.... I saw it commin' and I STILL can;t believe it happened! GE-Zeus-farkin'-H-Jumpin'-CHRIST onna wobly skateboard, how the HELL did you not go find $spineless and introduce it to the new "Pocket Fisherman - Harpoon Edition Fishing Tackle"? -ShujinTribble
  • In Japan, they have another phrase: "The tallest nail gets hammered first." -iksobert
  • Yep, I'm a 6'3" American living in Japan, and I can vouch for that. It's Friday here, I'll be hammered by 5:30. -GuitarGeek
  • LOL @ GG. Also, saw the $4 comming, but 1/2 price for most of a year? Tell you what: here's a match, there's a pile fo cash... -Dj
  • It's the old Dollar and Taco Game. I'm gonna burn that cocksuckin' playing board someday.... -vacuumtubes
  • That farking blows, I would want to punch that retention fuckwad. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Huh? I hope you have that call recorded as.. if he went against policy, then he should get what is coming to him then. -ShiftedBeef
  • Linkv, where exactly is it you work? I want to sign up for your service! But before we start, I'm already not satisfied with it, so I think I deserve to get it for free. Please forward this comment to your retention dept. Thank you! ;-) -TheGhost
  • Too bad you can't put a note on $leech's file warning any future techs not to transfer him to "retention" under any circumstances. I think at your company every "retention" employee who offers credits to custies like $leech, should have said credits deducted directly from their own paycheques. -TechnoCat
  • LOL @ his time is worth $4/hour. -concept14
  • 177. Credit Wars, Episode III, Chapter 1

    Epidode III: Revenge of the Fish

    This story has become Episode III because, sadly, it is not a tale of victory. It recounts one of my greatest defeats at the hands of the Starfish, though said defeat would not have happened were it not for the treachery of the Retention department. I had been in a rather bad groove, getting my share of idiot callers, when my headset beeped. Although CableISP had been preaching lower AHTs for everyone, I no longer cared. My concern was helping the caller, and doing my job properly. I didn’t care if it took 7 minutes or 12 or 20, I wasn’t going to feel bad about taking the time necessary to do my job properly.

    Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Linkv, how may I help you?

    ”Hi, I’m having trouble sending e-mail. This has happened before.”

    Ah, you’ve called before. That’s my cue to look up your call history. ”Okay, sir, what program do you use to check your e-mail?”

    ”Outlook Express.”

    ”Okay, please go to Tools, then Accounts, (I guide the customer through finding the settings) … and tell me what your settings are.”

    The customer reads all of his settings off, including one that’s incorrect.

    ”Ah, there’s the problem, sir, please uncheck that box and then attempt to check your mail.”

    ”Hmmm… Okay, it’s working.”

    ”Okay, then, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    ”Yeah, I haven’t been able to check my e-mail for four days. Can I get credit for this?” That would be no. CableISP had a very strict rule against giving credit for any issue that only affected e-mail and not general internet connectivity. E-mail was considered a ‘courtesy service,’ which we could add to or remove at any given time. I mostly agreed with this policy, as e-mail problems were almost always on the user end in the first place. There are other reasons, too, which we’ll go into in a minute.

    ”I’m sorry, sir, but this issue isn’t something we can credit for.”

    ”But my service has been down for four days!”

    ”That is incorrect, sir. Your problem was due to an incorrect software setting. Your cable modem was working correctly.”

    ”Yeah, but my settings were given to me by your technician. I don’t see why you can’t give me credit for that. It was your fault.” The account notes don’t list anything specific. It’s possible that the other tech gave him the wrong info, but it still doesn’t matter. If I put up a credit for an e-mail issue, CQA will cut it faster than Christina Aguilera’s top. Besides, I’m not going to pay this guy for not knowing how to set up Outlook Express on his own.

    ”I’m sorry if there was a miscommunication, sir, but we don’t issue credit for issues only pertaining to e-mail.”

    ”Why not? Your service was down. I couldn’t check my e-mail for four days. I think you should at least give me $4 off my next bill or something, just for the aggravation.” He does have a pretty hefty account. He’s paying well over $150 a month in services. I’m almost tempted to do it… then I look at his credit history. He’s called in almost 10 times in the past few months for teeny-tiny credits on every little issue. Ah, so that’s the game he’s playing—he gets off on whittling his bill down each month.

    If he’s wanting another credit, he’s picked the wrong tech to mess with! I’ve got a full tummy and an empty bladder, and my AHT means nothing. I puff up my tail and hiss. ”No, sir. Our service was working perfectly fine. Your computer was unable to access it because of its settings. Even still, your e-mail was not unreachable. You could still have accessed it by opening Internet Explorer and going to our website.”

    ”*Sigh* You just don’t understand. I’m just not a happy customer. If you screw up, I should get credit for it.”

    ”Sir, we issue credits when our equipment fails, and we are unable to repair it un a timely manner. That is not the case here.”

    ”You did fail. Your tech gave me bad information.”

    ”I do apologize for your inconvenience if that was the case. However, we are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Any one of our techs could have corrected the mistake were one made.”

    ”But I’m paying for this! I shouldn’t have to have my service down!”

    ”Actually, sir, the service you pay for is a cable modem rental with general internet connectivity. The e-mail account you get through CableISP is considered a courtesy service, and we cannot issue refunds for what is essentially a free service.”

    ”It’s not free! I pay almost $200 every month to you guys!”

    [By: linkv]
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  • Card must be issued, printed as follows: Shut Up. Shut the Fuck Up. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200. Doo Nawt Seek th' Treazhure. And Get Out of the Pool. -vacuumtubes
  • 178. Credit Wars, Episode II

    ”Sir, we’ve reviewed your e-mail settings over and over, and they are all correct. If you’re still getting an error message, the next option is to see if Netscape Communicator is corrupted.”

    “Well, how do we do that?”

    ”You would need to contact Netscape and see if this is a known issue. Do you have a pen, sir? Their number is…”

    ”Wait, wait, we need this fixed!”

    ”I am sorry, sir, but we’ve confirmed that our service is working properly and your computer settings, as you’ve read them to me, are correct. The only option left is to examine the program itself. ”

    ”Look, you don’t understand, this is being used for my business.”

    Ha ha, that’s funny. You think I care. Well, you’re not yelling so we’ll call that a freebie. ”I understand your frustration, sir, but we’ve done all that we can do from here.”

    ”You have to help me! This is a business!”

    Allright, playtime’s over. ”Actually, sir, your account is listed as being residential. You are currently receiving a residential level of service and being charged a residential rate.”

    ”Well, I’m running my business from here.”

    ”I do apologize if there was an error in setting up your account. If you would like to convert your account to a business account, I could bring up our sales office to accommodate that. Business accounts do receive priority servicing, and the rate would be $70 per month, as opposed to your current $35 per month.”

    ”Wait! Wait! I don’t want to buy anything extra, I just want this problem fixed!”

    ”I understand your frustration. However, you were under the impression that you have a business account, and that is incorrect. If you wish to have a business account, that is not something that can be handled from this department.”

    ”Well, I mean, yeah, it’s residential, just my home here, for my personal use.”

    ”Ah, that will be fine then. Even still, your current problem does go beyond our scope of support. You will need to contact Netscape at…”

    ”Linkv, don’t give me that! I don’t want to call someone else. I’m in a hurry, my business depends on this!”

    ”As we have established, sir, you do not have a business account.”

    ”I don’t see why I need one. This is just here for my personal use.”

    [By: linkv]
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  • lather..rinse..repeat...aw, fuckit. Just turn him over to billing, as he is repeatedly saying "I need this for business." And tell him he is otherwise in violation of ToS. THEN send him to NutScrape. -Captain Trips
  • ...and here comes the referee... -PTSTech
  • "We have multiple fouls on the play...Rule one violation on the offense for lying, illegal procedure on the offense for running a 'business' from a residential account, and two terminal stupidity violations - one for attempting to force tech support beyond its boundaries, and one for mistaking 'selling broken crap on Ebay' with 'running a business'. All penalties accepted and will be assessed from the spot of the first foul - fifteen yards PLUS loss of down. Fourth down!" -PTSTech
  • In my best redneck voice, I shout, "HAYNG HIM!!" -vacuumtubes
  • No 'H' on the him VT. "HAYNG 'IM!" Is the correct hick/red neck dialect. This was brought to you by the guy that grew up in a one stop light town. -virusjtg
  • 179. Credit Wars, Episode I

    It was an exciting, yet scary time for me. I was just out of training and starting to take calls. I sat in with a group of seasoned techs, though their shifts ended an hour before mine did. As quitting time neared, I would end up being alone on my side of the building, and it was up to me to sink or swim.

    The phone beeps. I’m still so new to this that I struggle to hit all my QA points. Say the right thing, exactly how they want you to say it. Do it the same way every time, but don’t be robotic (yeah, I actually took that idea seriously). Show empathy for the customer! Show them we care! Remember the Fish video! It turns out that the lady on the other end of the phone is a new customer. I want to try extra hard to make this pleasant for her—first impressions and all that.

    ”Hi. I just had my service installed on Wednesday, and I’d like to complain!” Oh, no. Problems already. Linkv combs his fur and tries to be charming.

    ”I’m sorry to hear you are having trouble, ma’am. What are you having difficulty with?”

    ”I had an appointment to get installed on Saturday, and your people couldn’t get the job done until Wednesday! This was a huge inconvenience for me.”

    Oh, great. That’s a totally legitimate complaint. We’re totally in the wrong there, so we have to work extra hard to make it up to her. ”I’m reviewing your work orders, and yes, I can see that there were some unforeseen delays in your installation. I am very sorry for that, and I do apologize for any inconvenience the delay caused.”

    ”Yeah, well, I’m not going to pay for those days I couldn’t use my service!”

    ”No, certainly not. Your billing would not begin until your service was successfully installed. Again, I am sorry for the delay, but you will not be billed for any days you couldn’t use your service.”

    ”Humph! Well, I also think I deserve some credit just for the hassle!”

    ”I completely agree. Reviewing your services, and it would seem that 4 days of service should be equal to about $9.30. Not only will you not pay for the days you weren’t installed, but we will issue you that amount as a courtesy. And, in the interest of customer service, we will increase the credit amount to an even $20.”

    ”$20?!?! Do you really think that is going to make up for this?”

    ”I’m not offering that to offend you, Ma’am. Perhaps it would be easier if you were to tell me what would be the best solution.”

    ”I’m subscribing to HBO. I want to get this month for free.”

    Ah, so THIS is what it feels like to be walked on. ”Done. Is there anything else I can help you with today?” I put in for credits for everything I promised, and that was it. What I was giving her was starting to add up to serious money. Customer service or not, I’m pretty sure I’d done all I could (or should).

    ”Do you really think that’s enough? I think I deserve three months of credit.”

    ”Ma’am, what you are receiving is equal to almost half a month of service. Yes, I do think that is adequate compensation. I am not giving you three months of credit for three days of inconvenience.”

    ”Do you really think that’s fair!”

    ”Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    ”Oh, we’re not done here! Look, I need my internet! When I realized I couldn’t get my cable modem, I had to go use dial-up! So, I had to set up an account with some other company, and since I was online all the time, I had to use my cell phone to make calls. I’ve got days worth of long-distance charges on my phone bill that your incompetence is responsible for!”

    ”Ma’am, we are not responsible for any long-distance telephone charges, least of all charges caused by another provider’s service. Any dial-up provider will tell you it is your responsibility to check to make sure you are using a toll-free number.”

    ”Oh, but you ARE responsible for them! I had to use that service because you REFUSED to set up my modem on time!”

    ”Again, I’m sorry for the delay, but if you needed access in the meantime, you could have called us. We do provide dial-up in addition to broadband, and we do occasionally issue free temporary accounts for cases such as this.”

    ”Oh, no! I was so mad, I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction! I went to a different provider, and I deliberately picked a long-distance number, just so the bill would be as high as possible! Now you’re going to pay it, AND my cell phone bill, and guess what, they’re both over $300!”

    You can’t be serious. I am *NOT* having this conversation. I’m dreaming this. Granted, I’d prefer my dreams involve Angelina Jolie, but I’m not known for doing things the easy way. “I’m sorry you were inconvenienced, ma’am, but we aren’t responsible for charges assigned to you by another company. You chose to enter into contracts with that other ISP. If you have a billing dispute, you will need to contact them.”

    ”You don’t seem to understand what I’m saying! This is all a result of your screwups! Because you didn’t install it on time, I had to use another provider, and I had to push my cell phone bill over its limits. None of this would have happened otherwise! ”

    ”Ma’am, you made the decision to establish contracts with those other companies. You are responsible for that choice. I am sorry if we didn’t live up to our scheduled appointment, but there were other ways we could have assisted you had you given us the chance.”

    ”Look, you’re going to pay my bills. I’ll sue you if I have to! And you know I have an airtight case!”

    ”Sue for what? Those bills had nothing to do with CableISP.”

    ”You’ve caused me consequential damages! You didn’t install your service on time, and AS A CONSEQUENCE OF THIS, I had to get a dial-up account, and AS A CONSEQUENCE OF THIS, I had to gather a lot of long-distance charges, and AS A CONSEQUENCE of my line being tied up, I had a huge cell phone bill. Now, you are going to pay my CableISP bill, you are going to pay my dial-up bill, you are going to pay my cell phone bill, and you are going to pay my husband’s wages for the four days of work he missed!”

    The call was eventually passed to a supervisor, who told her to call her lawyer and get off his phone. I had been out of training less than two weeks, and it would go down on record as being one of the most irrational calls I’d ever have to take. From then on, any time I’d wondered how far to go when giving the customer “a little something for their troubles,” I’d remember that lady.

    [By: linkv]
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  • AS A CONSEQUENCE OF THIS, <burrkiss gives her the Egyptian teabag> -burrkiss
  • and if she gives you anymore greaf, i can always give her the Flying Camel. Classy move I assure you. -burrkiss
  • O.o Wow. That lady is NUTZ! -rokitt
  • the fish video?....THE FISH VIDEO!!! you work at St.Ream now don't you. oh...you poor bastard. -3p0ch
  • Apt title, good story to demonstrate the mentality of the halfwit class. -namor
  • Oh, my rating? I'd say four out of 6 on the zinfandel-worchestire scale, with a hint of lime, ultimately overcome by the brooding sophistication of the plot, retreats into a safer home to sing of simpler things, of marmosets and blings. -namor
  • Grief. -viennasausage
  • ...and discontent. -ThreeBucks
  • Ah, the old "they'll give me something so I'll try for the max" game. She figured because you were willing to give her something, she'd make up a story about her cell phone bills etc to see how much more she could blackmail for. I got this kind of crap all the time when taking escalation calls for M$. Screw em. As soon as the word "sue" comes out of their mouths, tell them all previous offers are cancelled, you no longer have authority to continue this conversation, and to have their lawyer contact your company's legal dept. to work out a settlement. And to get the hell off your phone. Or get your boss to do it if necessary. -TechnoCat
  • Welcome to the world of cable ISP support. What a pain in the ass she was. You will learn how to deal with this waste of breath that hogs aht, in no time. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • I am a computer operator, have done backup to help desks, and AS A CONSEQUENCE OF THIS type of starfish, will remain a computer operator who does MINIMAL help desk. (And to think, I once wanted to have a hell desk position! Give me an AS400 and a green screen over this any day!) -Captain Trips
  • I think the next thing I would have said would have been (to myself) "Oops, accidentally selected debit instead of credit. Oh well." -maciarc
  • HOW DARE YOU MISS TREAT HER, you should pay for the 4 days of missed cable, given her 3 free months of all premium packages, paid double her phone bills, paid for her husbands lost days (Oh, lets see - how about 1 years wages) - given her controling interest in the company, had yourself, your supervisor, your supervisers manager all fired, and offered her the Job of CEO... Your just not good enough - (If anyone wants me I'll be in the Lart shelter...) ;) -Wonko The Sane
  • I'm with you, Captain Trips. Here's hoping these AS400 operator jobs stick around for a while! -thx1138
  • "..... AND MY TACO!!!!" </bitch> -TheGhost
  • 180. Credit Wars, Episode VI

    It was a cold day at CableISP. I was a seasoned techie, no longer fearing the starfish. I leaned against my desk and tried to prop my feet up on the filing cabinet that served no practical purpose beyond hiding my lunch.

    The phone beeped. It always did.

    ”Thank you for calling CableISP, how can I help you?”

    ”Yeah, I just canceled my service, and I got a bill saying I still owe $71!”

    I’m a tech, not an accountant. We have a separate department for these kinds of calls. Can I transfer him? No. It’s marked “Overflow”, so I have to take the call. CableISP couldn’t bear to have the Billing staff in que, so anytime there were too many callers, we techs had to take their excess, as well as our own calls. Of course, do you think the billing staff (who were trained as techs) ever gave US a breather? No way. We sat in que for hours at a time. ”Thank you, sir. Let me have a look at your account. Yes, I can see that there is still a remaining balance of $71. Would you like to make a payment?”

    ”No! I don’t owe anything! I canceled my service!”

    ”Yes, I can see your cancellation now. You canceled your service on the 30th of last month.”

    ”That’s right!”

    ”Sir, your last bill for $142 was printed on the 15th of last month. The $71 balance is for those services you used between the 15th and 30th.”

    ”What?!?!? Well, NO ONE TOLD ME that you printed your statements on the 15th!”

    ”I am sorry if you were unaware of that, sir. ”

    ”Well, since I didn’t know, I don’t think I should have to pay it.”

    ”The date the statement was printed on is not relevant. The key is, you did use our services between the 15th and 30th, and you must pay for them.”

    ”I think you’re wrong! I usually pay twice that!”

    ”Yes, sir, your normal monthly rate is $142, and we bill one month in advance. Since you only used half a month of service before canceling, that is all you owe for. ”

    ”Wait, so you’re telling me if I paid for the month ahead of time, you’d be sending me a check for $71. ”

    ”That is correct.”

    ”Ha! I find that very hard to believe.”

    ”That is unfortunate, but it is still true.”

    ”Well, I’M NOT GOING TO PAY IT!”

    ”Yes, sir. Please be aware that all accounts which are not paid in full at the end of 90 days are forwarded to collections. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?”

    ”It’ll cost you more to come get me than it’ll be worth!”

    ”That’s not really my concern. We have an accounting department that handles the budgets for our collection agency. I’m merely informing you of our policy is!”

    ”Well, you don’t understand! I’M A BIG SHOT! I know a lot of higher-ups in this city, and by the time I’m done telling everyone about this, you won’t have one customer left here!”

    I have to admit, this was a first for me. I’d known lots of blowhards who thought they were big shots, but I’d never actually seen someone so into themselves they actually described themselves as “a big shot”. It was worth remembering. ”That is up to you, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    ”I’ll run your company into the ground! You ain’t getting that money out of me!” *click*

    Five days later, a check for $71 arrived.

    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • He actually used the phrase, "I'm a big shot"???????? What a loser. I wouldn't last long at your ISP, would I? -RiffRaff
  • Big Shot Fucknugget. -vacuumtubes
  • I would LOVE to hear one of Riff & VT's customers use that line.... -wolfprince
  • "You had to be a BIG shot, Di'n'cha? Had to open up your mouth...."</Billy Joel> -ShujinTribble
  • was his name Peter North? -drachen
  • Big shot: The one squirt of his dad's that actually knocked up his mom. See also, "You're the load your mom should've swallowed". ^_^* -TranceGemini
  • Sounds like Big Shot's mommy was listening in on the call and told him "Don't be such a weiner, Billy, just pay the damned bill!" -Gaah
  • I *love* the self-important pronouncements. "I'm a big shot!" "How nice for you, sir." -Geminii
  • "I'm a big shot!" - Yes, and I'm sure some Preparation H will shrink things back down for ya! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Grr i HATE idiots like that... I may have said "Well if your such a BIG SHOT im sure you can afford to pay a measley $71... " kinda lame comment tho (just having morning coffee things will improve) -avkinkygirl
  • No,no! He was telling the truth. He just mispronounced it. He meant to say: "I'm a BIG SHIT!" -TheGhost
  • "I'm a big shot!" "Yes, I'm sure you're a bore of high caliber, but still ... " -ralphp1024
  • He can't spell, it's not 'shot' - the 'O' should be an 'I' -Wonko The Sane
  • Those types don't bother me. In fact, I find it rather amusing that the less their threats bother me, the more frustrated they become. Haven't had one threaten to take *my* job yet (*knocks on wood*), but the "my uncle's with the FCC" and "I'm a lawyer!!!" crowd is myriad and always at least mildly amusing. -missourimule
  • 181. Another Brilliant IT Person

    Disclaimer: This did not happen to me personally, but to a co-worker. I do submit it as authentic and unexaggerated, though.

    A man came in to buy a laptop. He asked my co-worker about two particular units-- same brand, same hard drive, same RAM, same software. One had a Pentium M, the other an AMD Sempron. Here's the kicker-- due to a really weird combination of rebates and sales, the two laptops were the EXACT same price. The customer listened intently as my co-worker presented a very, very comprehensive explanation as to why the Pentium M would be a better choice, citing such obvious benefits as better speed and better battery life. At the end of the discussion, after listening closely to everything that was said, the customer insisted on buying the Sempron unit. His only comment?

    "Let me tell you why you're wrong: I work for $MajorITCompany, and I can tell you for certain, the AMD chips are ALWAYS better."

    [By: linkv]
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  • The funny thing is, in terms of desktop proessors, he's right. But for mobile processors, Intel still delivers the better price/performance ratio, especially when taking battery life into account. -DreadPirate
  • But the underdog chip TRIES harder! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Just because he works for a major IT company, doesn't mean he's actually in IT. Maybe he's the janitor? -ChuckBiscuits
  • Well, some people prefer a bigger engine instead of miles per gallon. Screw 'em. -Bobsentme
  • yep and as a wise scholar(homer simpson) once said "tryin is the first step towards failure!!";0p -starfishmagnet
  • CB took the words right out of my mouth... -PTSTech
  • so he's a sales rep for the it company and overhaerd an actual tech talking about AMD, then tok the conversation out of context. -Harm
  • I'm an AMD whore, so i probably woulda picked the same thing, but i wouldn't have ASKED which one is better if i was gonna take the AMD no matter what. -razmann
  • "I work for $MajorITCompany..." I would laugh if this is one of those phone tech support guys who always has to put you on hold because he doesnt know the answer to the question. -haddytech
  • "If you work for $MajorITCompany and know the answer already, why did you ask the question?" -smellystudent
  • sempron vs. Pentium M, regardless of clock speed is an obvious choice. if it was a turion then i would probably go with AMD -Lehk
  • ChuckBiscuits- naw, he seems too stupid to be the janitor... Marketing, maybe??? -Voz
  • 182. Credit Wars, Episode V

    It was a rather pleasant day at CableISP. The details have since slipped my mind, but I recall it was during a happier time, when I still thought that exceptional customer service and a low AHT could coexist. Ah, but I had much to learn…

    “Thank you for calling CableISP, my name is Linkv the Tech Skunk, how may I help you?”

    “Yeah, my cable modem is down. It’s been like this for months.”

    I quickly pull up my tools and check his modem. Yep, all signs point to it being dormant for the last two months. It seems my caller had gotten seriously late on his bill, and had been temporarily disconnected. He had made his payment, but the modem was still in “deadbeat mode.” It’s a very simple fix, though.

    “Okay, sir, I’ve looked at your modem, and I do believe I can help. Please remove the power cord from the back of the cable modem, count to ten, and re-insert the cord.” I watch my screen, and oddly enough, he seems to be doing everything correctly. The modem powers back on and the connection looks good.

    “Yeah, okay, it’s working now. What did you do?”

    “I didn’t do anything here, sir. If you recall, your modem service was suspended because of a delayed payment on your account. Your service was reinstated as soon as your bill was paid, but the modem itself didn’t realize this until you reset it just now.”

    “Well, can I get credit for this?”

    “No, sir.”

    “Why not?! This thing hasn’t worked in two months! I’ve been away in London for weeks, and I’ve had people watching the house, and they couldn’t get online the whole time!”

    “There was nothing wrong with the modem service, sir. The modem simply needed to be reset.”

    “But they couldn’t get online for weeks! You’re not going to give me credit for this?”

    “If it were a matter of the modem service failing, then yes, we would. However, the only reason the modem service was inactive was because you were rather late paying your bill. The modem itself and the line were perfectly fine. The modem could actually have been reactivated the same day you paid your bill.”

    “Why didn’t you just reactivate it automatically?!? I shouldn’t have to call!”

    “In 99% of cases, the modem does get reactivated automatically. In others, simply removing the power cord and reinserting it, as you just did, will resolve the issue.”

    “I couldn’t do that! I’ve been in London for two months.”

    “Then, I might add, you clearly weren’t missing your service.”

    “But I had people here, and they wanted to use the internet!”

    “I’m sorry that they were unable to use your service, but if they were having difficulty connecting, there’s no reason they couldn’t call in for support. We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and we can troubleshoot problems with anyone, not just the account holder.”

    “Couldn’t you just give me the credit since I was down so long?”

    “For an issue caused by you not paying your bill? No, sir.”

    “Well, I gotta tell you, I’m really not happy with this!”

    [By: linkv]
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  • If I had an "unacceptable" problem, I wouldn't let it go for 2 months. I'd either get it fixed, or cancel. In cases where a customer had a prolonged outage that really was our fault, I've worked hard to get them credited. -illiterate
  • Just had a guy today that let his antivirus expire ...sometime in 2004 and wondered why his computer was crap. Loaded AVG and off the hop before it scaned it was picking up a crap ful of trojans... Yeah your ANTISPYWARE was protecting your @$$ from virus real good Bubba. -Z0nker
  • First thing I do with a modem problem - re-boot the modem... cures 99.9% of problems the other 0.1% is cured by shutting down the Starfish (I find a shotgun works well!) -Wonko The Sane
  • Fish ALWAYS hate to hear "reboot", and almost always demand to know WHY they have to do it. And then demand to know HOW rebooting fixed the problem (especially after they "done tried that already, and it din't do nuthin"). Does the monkey ponder the mystery of how the banana grew? Nope, simply plucks it and eats it. Why don't you give that a shot, Curious George? -PTSTech
  • So he was unhappy with the problem. Big deal, YOU were unhappy having to argue with him. You're even. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Wow, linkv, excellent composure during that exchange. How did you resist the temptation to administer a good, hard LART? -Gaah
  • 183. Colorblind

    Ah! The end of the day! I can finally go home! All I have to do is run around the corner and clock out! Yes, it'll be...

    "Excuse me, can you help with the Playstation stuff?

    Oh, dammit.

    "Sure, What can I do for you?"

    "Can I get a better picture from my PS2 on my High Definition TV?"

    "Well, that depends on what kind of TV you have, and what kind of connectors you're using."

    "I already have it hooked up to my TV."

    ...Wow. Congratulations.

    "Well, then the key factor is your connections. Now, if you have the option to..."

    "I'm already using the red, yellow, and white connectors."

    "Okay, that's a composite connection. You can get a better picture with a component connection, which uses Red, Blue, and Green connectors."

    "Yeah, yeah! Dat's what I got! The Red, Blue, and Green!

    "Okay, because that's different that the standard cables. If you're using high def, you want cables that are Red, Blue, and Green... not the ones that are Red, White, and Yellow. Now, which ones are you using at home?"

    "I gots the red, white and yellow ones."

    It would seem that the cables in your home are changing color by the minute. Or, possibly, you want to justify not buying anything today. In any case, are you actually planning on giving me a real answer here, or will you continue to make up stuff as you go along?

    [By: linkv]
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  • **insert starfish here** <scratches head> Ummmmmm... I think...ummmm, that is.... ummm... What was the question again??? -duckhead
  • Ummm... I have the Red, White, Blue Green and Yellow cables. Yeah... thats the ticket. -PsychoMike
  • Red, White, and Blue! GO USA!!!!! -VIPERsssss
  • Yeah, go and keep going. We'll tell you when you can stop going and come back :P -NightRain
  • Umm... an' I gots reg, bleen, and grue, and black and white. Where does I plug they all in? -chazz
  • "Cut the BROWN wire with the YELLOW stripe.... Not the GREEN wire with the WHITE stripe!"</The Abyss> -ShujinTribble
  • Hehe... I hooked up a dvd player to our tv the other day. TV's standard def, but has component input. Anyway, we had the cables still from the old one, so I did an experiment. I hooked a standard composite stereo set to component in. Red to red, White to blue, yellow to green. Then i used an RCA-type stereo sound cable to hook up the sound.. It works wonderfully! I think i just poked a hole in the $50-180 pricetag. -linuxmatt
  • "Rally 'round the, Rally 'round the, red, gold, black and green..." </Steel Pulse> -PTSTech
  • As a counter to linuxmatt: Yes, it works. No, it's not the highest quality. Thing is, when you buy a set of component cables, one thing is that all three are the same exact sort of wire... otherwise you will get a different timing for each of the three components. For casual viewing it's OK, but if you look closely at a vertical white line you'll see that it is in fact not pure white at the edges, because of differing rise times on the three components caused by different wire types in the cables. -chazz
  • Obscure music award goes to PTSTech. I haven't heard SteelPulse in years. -deskmonkey
  • Chazz...ah, the many many times I've had to explain that to starfish at TheShack...arrgh. LINKV I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! -TranceGemini
  • 184. SF Bus Sighting

    Driving around today, I wound up behind a yellow school bus. It was a "short bus", the little half-size things people always associate with the slow kids. The funny part?

    The bus number was V92.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Hehe...hheheheesnort! -ThreeBucks
  • LMAO! *remembers a certain postal tech and dawns kevlar body armor* -Bobsentme
  • Yeeeup... That sums it up nicely. -TheMage18
  • 185. Credit Wars, Episode IV, Act II

    "This is terrible service!!! I'm sorry, my english not so good."

    "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we can't fix a problem we don't know exists, and we don't know if you don't call."

    "You're all a bunch of rip-offs. You know that? Do you like your job?"

    "Sir, I love my job." Mentally, I added "...I just hate CQA and dealing with pricks like you."

    "You're a fucking liar. You know you are. I can hear it in your voice. You hate your job because your company sucks."

    "Sir, my choice of employer is irrelevant to your problem. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" By now, I'd been on the call for well over an hour. I was very late for lunch, and was tired of repeating myself endlessly to this guy.

    "What is this 'Sir'? Why do you keep calling me 'Sir'?"

    "It is my way of showing respect to the customer, sir." ... and 'douchebag' can be so cumbersome.

    "You have no respect at all for me! Stop calling me Sir! Are you ripping me off for four days worth of service? Or do I have to pay for them?"

    "Yes, sir."

    "Hah, you admit it! You're ripping me off!"

    "I didn't say that. I said you had to pay for them. If you consider it a rip-off, that is unfortunate. I have explained to you why you cannot get credit for them."

    "HA HA! You admitted you were ripping me off, and you should know I'm recording this call!"

    "As are we, sir."

    "I'm going to take this to the newspapers!"

    "That's up to you. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

    "FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT!!!"

    *click!*

    And, I took note, that his English was exceptional toward the end.

    [By: linkv]
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  • Wow. You run across all the *winners*, don't you? -namor
  • Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Ass clown! -viennasausage
  • It offends me greatly when our customer care dept kowtows to these nuggets. -illiterate
  • *Hugs his release button, which gets used at the first sign of idiocy such as this* <----- -RiffRaff
  • If memory serves... isn't recording a phone call without requesting concent a federal crime of some sort? -ShujinTribble
  • "Me no good inglee!" - the mating call of the fucknugget being told what they don't want to hear. -TechnoCat
  • Tribble- federal law, no... also, most states provide for "one-party" notification, although some states have added that BOTH parties to the call have to consent. -Voz
  • It's a starfish filibuster. -concept14
  • Vacuum Tubes would have ahd with this one. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • thought it was just that recordings without full consent were inadmissible as evidence (fifth amendment stuff I think), but not *illegal* per se, but I'm just hypothesizing -evolvedstarfish
  • Reminds me of the nasty joke about how illegal immigrants and a cue ball are the same: The harder you hit them, the more English you get.....cynical, but sometimes you gotta wonder if the system's being gamed. -CTYankee
  • Reminds me of my training week at some company with TEAM in it, basically you were to give a warning then hang up for swearing. Abuse of tech support was not tolerated in the least. I would bring this up to CableISP that being called names while on the phone does not promote a healthy work environment and they would be remiss if some employee got offended and sued CableISP for not giving them a way out of said abuse... just an idea... -CivilWarTech
  • Of course most of the call centers I've called have the "Your call may be recorded for quality assurance" disclaimer as a cya in these instances. In that case you would be covered, but he would not since he didn't say anything beforehand. -McSmiley
  • 186. Credit Wars, Episode IV, Act I

    Take a minute, go fix yourself some popcorn or get a plate of cookies. This is a long tale, worthy of a leasiurely read. Sorry for the length, but this caller goes out in a blaze of idiocy. Let this be a lesson to all call centers who have a "Never, Ever hang up" rule. If you value your employees' time, either in terms of money or just out of decency, give them a way out of impossible phone calls. Otherwise, you wind up with crap like this 80-minute monstrosity:

    My time on the phones at CableISP was nearing its end. I was tired, miserable. The days grew longer. It seemed like each call caused my IQ to drop just a little bit more. I'd long since dropped my newbie bashfulness... now when customers got in my face, I refused to take their crap or let it upset me. I peeked down at the little Windows taskbar clock, happy that I had just 10 minutes to go until lunch. Oh, was I hungry. So very, very hungry.

    The phone beeped. Dammit.

    "Thank you for calling CableISP. How may I help you?"

    "Yes. I am calling about my cable modem being out. I would like credit for it."

    I check his modem and call logs. He's online right now, and had trouble about eight weeks ago, but nothing since then.

    "Sir, I'm able to see your modem online. what happens when you try to connect?"

    "Oh, I can connect now, but I had trouble on the 5th, 8th, 14th, and 20th. I would like credit for those days."

    "I am looking over your account, and I do not see any calls listed for those dates."

    "I am calling now. I had trouble on those dates. I was told that if I had trouble, I should simply call you and you'd give me credit. I apologize for my English, it is not so good."

    "I can understand you just fine, sir. Yes, we can issue you credit if your modem is down, but you need to call us when you are having trouble with your connection, that way we can assist you. We can't offer you credit if you don't give us a chance to fix the problem."

    "I did call."

    "Sir, the last call I see was two months ago. You were cancelling a service call, saying that your service was completely fine. That was several weeks before the dates you mentioned."

    "Yes, I had trouble on those dates, they said I could get credit for them."

    "Yes, sir, but in order to issue credit, we need to be able to document the problem. I don't see any problems listed on your account."

    "So you'll give me credit?"

    "No, sir."

    "What do you mean you won't give me any fucking credit?!?"

    "Sir, That language is not appropriate. There are no calls listed on the dates you mentioned. Your service appears fine now. We are happy to give you credit if your service is down, but we need to know about the problem and have the chance to fix it."

    "What, you don't know if I don't call in?"

    "That is correct sir."

    "This is terrible! All the time I am having problems! The service goes up, it comes down. I'm always without a connection. You never fix the problem. They said I could get credit and I want credit!"

    "Again, I am sorry if you are having trouble connecting. We are glad to help you out with any connection trouble you might be having. Our support staff is here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can call anytime. Is there anything I can assist you with now?"

    "I am sorry, my english is not so good. I was unable to connect on the 5th, 8th, 14th, and 20th. I just want credit for those days."

    "I understand that, sir, but I'm looking over your account and AGAIN, the most recent call I have on your account was made nearly 2 months ago, and you were saying your service was working fine. That's all we have to go on. If you've had trouble since then, we can't know about it, since you didn't call. I can't issue credit for that."

    "Give me a fuckin' break! You people suck ass! I'm disconnecting my service in a week anyway, I just want my credit!"

    "Sir, I remind you, that language is not appropriate." Oh, and since you're already cancelling, you just kissed goodbye any "Make the Customer Happy" credit I might have considered... not that your attitude helped at all.

    "Don't tell me your company doesn't suck. Come on, I'm down for days at a time! If that were your service, would you think that's allright?"

    "No."

    "Well, then why treat me this way? You just said..."

    "No, sir, I would not think it is allright. However, I would also understand that, as a customer, it is MY responsibility to speak up when I am not happy with the service I am getting. I wouldn't sit around and wait two months to call."

    "Yeah, well, just wait until it happens to you, then you'll feel differently."

    "No, sir, I'm telling you I *HAVE* had poor connections on my own personal cable modem. It was *MY* service, and I called in to my ISP so I could have the issue resolved. It wasn't fixed overnight, but it got fixed."

    "That's a bunch of crap. Just wait until it happens to you."

    "Again, sir, it HAS happened to me. I dealt with it."

    [By: linkv]
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  • I had fucktard like that call and I had to take it as an escallation from a level 1 tech, the dumbass, said that in the 6 weeks that he had, had our service that it had never worked. I see no case notes at all, he never called us for help and now he wants 2 months service charges credited to his bill. After a few rounds of hard ball with me he hung up and gave up as I used the same logic as you did, If you have called us we could try and fix it. I asked him if he had phone at work, etc, and gave the 24/7 speech. They are such losers, sorry about your late lunch and long call time. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 187. Thank you!
    I don't know who did it, or why, but I'd like to thank the generous person who passed a star my way! You're wonderful! I've been meaning to get one for some time, because I have some stories that really do require star powers to tell properly. I really, really appreciate this. I promise to tell all the stories I've been holding back on, and double-promise to renew the star next year. :-)
    [By: linkv]
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  • Sure sure ... Ya fat assed bastard! ;) -Necros
  • Enjoy it while it lasts. You'll soon get disgruntled with the rear-end bumping into everything left and right. 'gratz. -namor
  • Move that fat ass over and make room for the rest of us!!! Welcome to the big butt club. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Jeez, don't squeeze me so tight! *lets one rip* -missourimule
  • They LIKE you! They Really, REALLY >>LIKE<< you! --Now just move over ther-- no, not that way.. Over ther-- NO!! To the left. --Your other le-- MY left!! >>$DIETY<< WTF is it with you Freshly-inflated techs?! (Oh... wait, sorry.. My Bad! I didn;t get the coffee yet. brb...) -ShujinTribble
  • *Hands you a copy of Sir Mixalots' "Baby Got Back"* -lineswine
  • 188. Well, there's Your Answer!
    It was my day off from my RealJob(TM), and I had an appointment with a very nice couple for whom I do some freelance support. It had been a while since I'd gotten a call from them. The past year has been so busy for me, I had no idea when I'd last been there. I fired up Ad-Aware, and it showed "Last System Scan: 3-10-2005". Now, I'm not a betting man, but... *sigh*
    [By: linkv]
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  • the program crashed and you have to uninstall and reinstall it? -LowLevelFormat
  • But we are. Shall we lay odds on how many infestations? -namor
  • My record is 860. It got better after I told the user to stop vising $SpecificPornSite (which I found in his cache). -Gaah
  • Did it reach 423,827 viruses? -MarkerMage
  • Asked to fix a WIN98 PC that had no anti-virus, never performed windows update, ever, etc... Spybot 3000+ errors, After cleaning that (at least as much as it could), Ad-aware 700+ errors, cleaned some of that. Hijack this, close to 1500 registry entries manually looked up and most deleted. PESTSCAN.COM (now a Computer ASS-ociated product...ugh!) - somewhere around 400 before it threw up. Manually had to research and clean those. I forget the rest but the basic problem was: A) They did not want to upgrade to a supported OS B) They did not want to lock and load C) I was getting a tremendous amount of $$$ for every hour spent - I made over $2000 fixing their 4 PCs, wireless network, printer, and I even mopped their kitchen floor. -gemachte
  • 189. Rookie Mistake (2/2)
    We get over to the hard drives, and there's a guy looking at the drives already. My customer turns to him and asks, point-blank, "Are you into computers at all?" He says he is. "Oh, well, maybe HE can help me." The stranger gets a smug little grin, and I secretly chuckle at what I know is about to happen should he open his mouth. "See, I have a Dell computer, and I can't get Windows to load, not even in safe mode, so I just thought I'd get a new hard drive..." OH, WELL, YOU DO NOT NEED A NEW HARD DRIVE! ((Stranger gets a satisfied look... maybe he thought I was a bonehead salesdrone trying to oversell him on something. I kept my mouth shut and let Stranger take all the rope he wanted.)) SEE, YOU JUST NEED TO REINSTALL WINDOWS. "I tried that, it didn't work." NO, SEE, YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT. FIRST, YOU NEED TO GO INTO THE BIOS AND SET IT TO BOOT OFF YOUR CD DRIVE, THEN YOU DELETE THE WHOLE VOLUME, THEN YOU.... ... ... and I wish them both a good day and slink off. I prop myself up against a far wall and watch with amusement (slow day). For the next 20 minutes, the suctomer followed Stranger around, rallying tech questions at him. It was clear the novelty of being the smartypants in the computer store was wearing off. Stranger was now realizing what TSCers already know-- once you establish yourself as free tech support, they'll never leave you alone. He had now become the suctomer's pro bono tech bitch.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours your my bitch! -Gmork
  • On a related note, I'm trying to come up with a whimsical way to say, yes, I work with computers, but no, I'm not answering your questions. Suggestions? -namor
  • Namor - How about "Fsck off idiot, i'm not your bitch". -redevil34
  • Some Dells are having HD crashes within the first three months. At POST, Hit F12 and run HD diag. Pass? THEN it's a SW problem. (So sayth the Dell Warrenty Tech.) -Psudo36
  • Namor, I have a preprinted 4.25"x5.5" bill for "Educational Services" (usually set at $50) with me at all times. When someone asks me, I say "Yes, I know about <whatever>. I answer questions when the bill is prepaid" and show them the bill. Some pay on the spot, most never ask again. -srteach
  • Er, won't the *ell recovery cd destroy his music archive when it re-installs windows? Self LART anyone? -Dj
  • Easy answer: "I don't do windows!" -TubPorsche
  • srteach - That is BRILLIANT!! -chkdsk
  • namor, problem solved: http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/frustrations/388b/ -Bynar
  • 190. Rookie Mistake (1/2)
    The moral of today's story is "Showing off is its own reward. You might like fame and glory, but me, I'd prefer something I can pay the rent with." Customer comes in. "Hi, I've got a Dell computer, and I tried to load a free antivirus on there, and now I can't even start Windows. Not in safe mode or anything." Ah, sounds like some sort of software issue. Probably a corruption of Windows itself on some level. Here's what we can do: bring your computer in, we'll do a diagnostic on it. That's $50, and we'll look over all the hardware and software on your computer, top-to-bottom, and figure out what the issue is. If it's a simple fix, we'll take care of it. If it's a more involved repair, we'll give you an estimate and you can tell us if you think it'll be worth it. "Well, tell me honestly, do you think I'm better off just buying a new computer?" I don't know, how old is it? "Oh, it's 2-3 years old. It was a fairly good computer when I bought it." And is it basically adequate for what you're using it for? "Yeah." Then no, I don't think you'd need a new computer. If anything, we can get you a better setup just by boosting your RAM or something. He considers this. "Well, I do store a lot of music. I had been considering a bigger hard drive. Could you show me those?" We walk over to look at the selection. Simple enough, I think. If he slaps in a new hard drive and installs Windows on it, it'll at least solve his initial problem, as well as triple his HD space.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Hey, just the RE-INSTALLATION of Windows will probably cure 90 percent of the diseases he has infected it with. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 191. Spoiled Housewife
    My headset beeped. I had your basic starfish on the other end... wanting me to troubleshoot her connection pronto, while her husband was gone for the day. Why? I'll leave that to the imagination, as I hadn't bothered to inquire. Run through my tests... like most starfish, she was generally mystified at the whole process. By process of elimination, I became 97% sure that she had a problem with the ethernet cable between her computer and her cable modem. Most likely, it just wasn't plugged in. I had her locate the cable then, just to be on the safe side , asked her to examine the cable, then unplug and re-plug it. Her response? "BECAUSE I AM A LADY, I think you should send a technician out here to do this for me!" I then told her that such a tech visit would cost her a $100 stupid tax, er, I mean, "Onsite Tech Fee". She muttered something under her breath, I think it was something about me being a sorry excuse for human life, and we agreed to simply continue the call when she could get someone to assist her.
    [By: linkv]
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  • So, you need a tech because the mailman and the milkman have already left? -Gaah
  • Calling Burrkiss - we have a 'situation' for you. Some SF needs something jammed in their 'port'! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • That's probably the same type of lady who is playing that card, but will just as quickly play the "women's lib" card if it suits her purposes. I know that type well because my wife, Mrs. Singing Tech, tries to play that game with me. -TheSingingTech
  • Oh, can I please sic Mrs. Grayhawk on this knobjockey? She absolutely hates these so-called women who use their gender as a reason for not doing anything... -Grayhawk
  • Oh, lord. Can I wrap her head in tape? Please? -pixel
  • Just have her go get the same person that wipes her ass for her -LowLevelFormat
  • pixel - and then 'Boot to the Head'! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • *twitches* On behalf of my gender, I'm sorry. We aren't all simpering, helpless sows, I swear. -shadowkat
  • Agreed Shadowkat. Most of you are nice/caring/confident boobies. I mean women. I'll take my jet to the LART shelter now. -momo
  • Mmmmm... Boooobies. </Homer has entered the LART shelter> -Gaah
  • You guys are clueing in Burrkiss far too often. He should be able to find the kink on his own by now! It would've been funnier if it was a FEMALE tech...hehehe..."Well *I'M* a lady and I don't need any help to UNPLUG AND REPLUG A CABLE!" -TranceGemini
  • $100 stupid tax....LOL. Although methinks that should be doubled to include the "snotty-hoity-toity bitch" fee of an additional $100 :-) -MattN
  • <Lady? Loosely speaking </bobby the brain heenan> -my2kids
  • I've seen that type several times. Sure, I'll schedule the onsite call. I'll even double the priority (which in turn doubles the price even though I don't have anything better to do today!) Of course, I'll have a tendancy to be very honest as to why the HDD is full, and the keyboard is always sticky... just to make your day... -garwain
  • ....what Shadowcat said. Oy veh! -Parilla
  • Trance, I have actually HAD calls like that. I think people saw the smoke comming out of my ears afterwards. -fearmyroot
  • 192. Overheard While Shopping
    Standing in line at checkout, two people were talking behind me, rather loudly. "Yeah, apparently at <unknown restaraunt> they now refuse to serve you if you're talking on your cell phone. Isn't that crazy?" "Yeah, the only thing I can think of is maybe people weren't paying attention, and agreed to order more than they really wanted?" Um, no. How about, maybe people in face-to-face conversations are sick of being ignored in favor of some voice on a cell phone? Maybe the people you interact with day after day would like you to actually pay attention to them.
    [By: linkv]
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  • I'm sorry, what were you saying? *continues talking on cell phone* -Olorin
  • I like that. I hope they ban cell phones in all restraunts, grocery store lines, banks in general...basily anywhere there is a line or wait period. Becasue im sick of tellers and cashiers being told to hold on while some ass is on their cell phone. When I was a cashier at a video store a guy came up on his cell and was like "wait one second" as he talked and fumbled around with one hand trying to get his stuff out of his pocket. I said "no problem" moved his stuff to the side and called for the next person. good times. -xtc46
  • I carry a cell-phone - for emergency use only. I simply cannot grasp how pewople can live on those damned things. If I had my way, it's be a Federal crime to drive a car while yapping on one of those things; 1st-time offense would be, oh, say.....a $1000 fine? -MattN
  • is offence to drive and phone at same time here in aus - never stops id10ts tho.... -timelady
  • HEy, I'm on the phone....SHH..!!! -drachen
  • As far as I know, every state in the U.S., even those without a cell-specific law, has a "distracted driving" law, which could be used to handle this situation. -missourimule
  • MM, your right, when I was learning to drive we were warned about drinking (non-alcoholic) or eating because of that law. Now they make new laws and don't enforce the old or the new. Idiots. -Wolfie0827
  • And the irony being they're going to start allowing them on AIRPLANES!!!! <runs away screaming in horror> -redevil34
  • When I get sat next to an ID10T that is gabbing on a cell phone on an airplane, I would be very tempted to shove it up thier ass, or just flush it down the toilet. wheee cell flys out of restroom at 30,000 feet at 340 mph. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • We had a bathroom stall in the womens restroom closed as out of service for like 2 weeks. Then a building wide email "The closed stall on the second floor restroom has been reopened. If the woman who lost her cell phone down the toilet would like to claim her property, please call...." I still wonder if anyone called for their phone after flushing it.... -Nonamys
  • 193. Get off the Phone and Get a Real Job!
    In the tail end of the chaotic holiday shopping season, my battle against the neverending horde of rabid shopperfish was interrupted, when I had the extreme pleasure to speak with a nice guy who just wanted to buy a digital camera. He was a complete novice, but was willing to learn, and as such, I was more than glad to help him. Three days later, he came back, deleriously happy with the camera we picked out, and now eager to get a printer to match it. With equal enjoyment, I showed him to my favorite inkjet photo printer, showed him how cool it was, and he bought it on the spot. For the second time, he left happy. Two days later, I again saw him, and asked him how he was doing. He said "That's a great printer, but I ended up having to exchange it." What? I got concerned. "Oh, yeah, it wouldn't print 4x6 sheets, so I called up (OEM), and they said it was broken, so I should bring it back and get a new one." I found this very odd. "Oh, yeah, we ran through the whole thing... turns out, it wasn't broken, all I had to do was select '4x6' in the print menu. It's odd... you'd think the guy from Tech Support would have known that." GRRRRRRRR!!!! YES, YOU WOULD! Freaking script monkey! How can you work for a company that does a sickening amount of buisiness selling printers, and not know how to walk someone through clicking ONE BOX!?! Furthermore, thanks a lot for nearly cheating a very happy customer out of a darn good printer because you can't even read from an instruction manual.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Wonder how the tech's girlfriend feels, then. -namor
  • (if he can't even find one small box...) -namor
  • givewn how badly the tech did with hardware... not so much thinking anyones gonna let 'em near the wetware. -Harm
  • Over the Christmas weekend I was teaching my father how to edit (mostly crop) his digital photos and print them either on A4 or 4x6. And doing all this with the free program Irfanview. My father is 65, retired, and not very computer literate by his own admission. After a few pics, he was only asking for my opinion on some images instead of technical assistance. -Wraith556
  • I'm a bit confused--why couldn't this happy customer RTFM? Were the directions in Russian, and this guy only read Chinese, or what? -snowcrash
  • This customer was happy because he didn't feel the need to RTFM, just pop the Lithium and bug somebody else to make the decisions for him! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • "Get off the Phone and Get a Real Job!" you may want to..uhh... alter that title. you know...since this is a TECH SUPPORT COMEDY webpage where a large number of members do work on the phone (including my self...not so much anymore..but sometimes its easier than going on site) -xtc46
  • That title sounds like a tech-song remake of George T's 'Get a haircut and..." -MadJack
  • xtc... I used to work on the phones too. I have great amounts of respect for the job, but some people aren't suited for it. And yeah, MadJack, I was aiming for the song reference. :-) -linkv
  • 194. Ahem... I Told You So. (4/4)
    "Well, what do I need?" he asks. Time for me to play along. "As I recall from last week, you said you had antivirus and antispyware software at home. I would suggest you load them onto your computer, update them, and then run those programs until no viruses can be found." He stammers for a bit. "Can you fix it here?" Ha ha. Translation: I lied. "Yes, we sure can. In order to stop this problem, I would suggest letting us load an antivirus and antispyware program, we'll run through the whole system and be 100% sure it's clean. If you'd like to boost your RAM while we're at it, that's an option as well." And then he goes back into his 'cheap bastard' mode, forgetting that's what got him into this. "Well, do I have to get the software? Could I just pay to have it cleaned up?" I shrug again. "Yes, that is an option that we could give you, but that would only stop the problem occurring right now. That'll cost you $80 and give you no assurance against future issues." (THINKING: it took you less than six days to bugger your system. Don't try to tell me you won't do it again) I walk over and put together a price list showing him the software, the PC cleaning, and an option to boost the RAM. The total comes to about $240, which is nearly double what it would have cost him had he done it last week while his system was new-in-box. I'm not going to point out this obvious fact to him, his wallet will do that. He shrugs "Well, how long will this take?" Honesty. "I can't even guess. With a virus removal, it could take four hours, it could take four days. We keep it in-shop until we're 100% sure it's clean." Sounds reasonable. "I can't do that, I'm leaving for Egypt tomorrow. What if we just upgrade the RAM?" Instant headdesk. "Sir, the RAM is now the LEAST of your worries. Your PC is running slow because it has viruses consuming its resources. If you add more RAM, your system will go faster for a short period, but eventually those resources will be clogged up too. The only way to fix this is to get the garbage out of your system." He nods. "Yeah, just do the RAM upgrade." I'd accept this if the guy had ever shows signs of having a clue. "Sir, please understand that this WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM. You need to remove those viruses and spyware before your system will work properly." Customer then stated he'd "make do", and was rung up for a stick of RAM. I have no confidence that his system ever worked properly again, and to this day he blames me for selling him a slow computer.
    [By: linkv]
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  • When your time comes, Saint Peter will look at this event in your life and wave you on through the Pearly Gates... and then he'll ask you to clean up the viruses on his computer! PS: I like to use MSCONFIG and disable all of the programs from starting up, then show them how fast it could start up if it was all cleaned up. -CyBear
  • They will also blame you when they get back for having the computer still running slowly. Cheap twats. -teivrann
  • I make up small CD's (210MB variety) with several free AV, Firewall and spyware products on it that I give to customers that I feel are merely uninformed, not arrogant in their stupidity. With the type you just dealt with I have no pity. FFR, Recovery Disk, whatever. You know my rates, you pay to play! -ecoli
  • CyBear, you're wrong about St. Peter - Heaven runs on Linux. -SalParadise
  • For the final in my computer class, we're building computers in groups, then as individuals. Next week's set of steps ends with loading AVG onto them from disk - so, this weekend, I'm putting AVG on disk so Mom can get comfortable with it. Anyone with a lick of sense knows to put on antiviruses! -Parilla
  • *Sighs*..Parilla - we are talking fishies here, wilfully ignorant fishies. They are several light years from "a lick of sense". -lineswine
  • It wouldn't surprise me to hear that he returned to the store, asking you to get the pieces of the RAM stick out of the keyboard. "You said that the memory would speed up my computer, but it just made typing more difficult." -HidariMak
  • 195. Ahem... I Told You So. (3/4)
    Usually, when someone ignores my advice, I simply take satisfaction in knowing that I did all I could, and I had their best interests at heart. Occasionally, I do actually get tangible feedback. The next week, these two guys come back in. "Hey! The computer you sold me is slow!" I cringe. (Thinking: "You bought the biggest piece of shit we sell. Of course it's slow.") "I'm sorry to hear that, sir, what part is running slow?" He plunks the laptop down. "Dialing in, starting up. Everything!" I shrug. "Well, as I said last week, this is an entry-level computer. It's not designed for speed." I turn the laptop on. "Well, this thing is running slower than the computer I have at home!" Since he didn't bring in his other computer to test, I'm not going to worry about that. This thing *IS* indeed acting like a turtle. Booting takes an extra 2-3 minutes, and the Windows Desktop populates one icon at a time for about 4 minutes. Further inspection reveals some online dating links on the desktop and AOL loading on startup. "Well, sir, I'm seeing from this that you have a virus and spyware infection. These are classic sympthoms, and I can tell just by looking at the task manager that there's plenty of stuff on your system that doesn't belong there." He took a few minutes to process what I'd just said, and tried to argue the point. "No, no, is just a slow computer." I nod. "Yes, sir, the computer is slow, because there are viruses and spyware on it consuming the resources, and the computer doesn't have any resources to spare in the first place. You need to remove the malware and, if you want this thing to work well, boost your RAM." Customer walks in a circle for a little bit.
    [By: linkv]
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    196. Ahem... I Told You So. (2/4)
    Two guys came in. I had already learned to dread seeing this pair walk in the door. All they ever did was walk around and ask pricing questions, ask if I could "do better" on some already large sales, and generally waste time. One day, to my extreme surprise, one guy decided to spring for a laptop... a Celeron with 256MB RAM. Absolute garbage, IMO, especially compared to models that cost just a hair more. I explained to him the value of buying a laptop with more RAM, or upgrading the RAM on the one he chose. "It be fine for what I need." I then told him about all the virus protection packages we offered. "No no, I have that at home." I really wonder... don't they realize I know they're lying? Do they think they're the first ones to use that excuse? My standard response? "Well, that's good. Please take my advice and load that software BEFORE you EVER put your computer online." It's a nice way of saying I won't try to sell them something they don't need, but if they're lying, they're only cheating themselves. I sighed, made a mental note that I'd done everything I could. I led a starfish to water, but I couldn't make him do whatever starfishes do... (linkv goes to register, curtains close for intermission. Let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby...)
    [By: linkv]
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  • You can lead a starfish to the truth, but you can't make him think. -RiffRaff
  • You can lead a starfish to C4, but you can't amke em . . . wait, is this a remote detonator? Why yes, I believe it is! -ecoli
  • "let's go out to the lobby, and shoot ourselves a fish..." -PTSTech
  • 197. Ahem... I Told You So. (1/4)
    As far as computers go, I'm a pretty advanced user. I've done phone based tech support, and some freelance support jobs on the side. At the moment, my life has pushed me into tech sales, where I consider it my job to make the lives of other techs easier. It's my *responsibility* to find a system that meets my customer's needs, to reccomend proper internet security measures, and finally, to demonstrate how to maintain the system at home to minimize future issues. I do this because I believe it's the way computers should be sold to tech-unsavvy people. I appreciate the customers that take some (if not all) of my advice. Some, however, know absolutely nothing, but still figure that I must not know what I'm taking about when I say stuff like "Your printer doesn't include a cable". This tale is about one of "those" customers...
    [By: linkv]
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  • Good luck with that approach. I tried that when for the week I worked in sales (sell the customer what the want/need and have them leave happy). Unfortionatly, the boss types didn't like that. They wanted to me always push the most expensive shit in the store,and try to sell other crap the customer doesn't want/need that has an insain markup... I refused to push things on a customer, and got fired -garwain
  • Garwain- if it helps, this approach has taken me very far. Take care of the customer, and the profits will follow. -linkv
  • 198. Testing LCD Monitors
    The door swung open, and in flowed one very gravity-challenged woman, two chilluns, and a hint of banjo music. The pack marches into the computer department, and they promptly inform me they're looking for a good monitor. The three of them stood in front of the monitor display, oohing and aahing. I took the time to explain the differences between each monitor, inasmuch as I thought they'd care. Suddenly, big momma grabs my favorite Samsung 17" and DRAGS HER NAILS ACROSS THE SURFACE!!! Like any LCD is prone to do, the screen went psychadelic, and the picture swished underneath the movement of her hands. I nearly had a stroke! I couldn't say anything. She smiled, proud of herself for inspecting the product. "See that? If you do that, you can tell if it's got da good pixzels! Dat's how you know! The others don't have da good pixzels."
    [By: linkv]
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  • They must buy the dildo fist. And the dollar and the taco. -vacuumtubes
  • O.O ,sweet mother of George, there must be laws to stop these kind of people from just living! -Jax
  • What the hell does she think *bad* "pixzels" do? My god. -namor
  • Uhh ma'am bad pixzels.... thats a rasist comment and I demand an apology to for the pixie race!! -LowLevelFormat
  • "Gravity Challenged" eh? Her boobies hang down to her knee-sies? Her brain is sagging too? :) -rokitt
  • I hope after you recovered that you were able to get them tossed out of the place! -BayouTech
  • too dumb to tell the difference between an LCD Paneland a CRT without dragging her nails across it. desert eagle, silver bullet. -Lehk
  • "And then she jumped into her pickup truck & sped off towards the local trailer park, "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" playing at at 110 dB. 5 minutes later she ran back in, screaming in 'angry white trash' mode, & collected her kids that have been trying to steal anything not nailed down." -lineswine
  • Lehk..Desert Eagle, rusty bullet. Silver bullet too expensive to use on hillbillies. -momo
  • Rusty bullets? For the tetanus value? </Battletech reference>. -Wraith556
  • Ok, moving out of my trailer in 2 days. -Wolffarmer
  • I think it's the method starfish use to tell if it's lcd/tft/plasma screen or a traditional CRT. -Shaede
  • 199. Nikon Dimbulb vs. Restocking Fee
    Many moons ago, when I took my first taste of tech sales, I hated the idea of restocking fees. I thought they were a petty way of getting a few extra dollars out of good customers. At the time, my store didn't use them, and I was proud of the fact. I loved offering my customers 'no-risk' purchases. Then, I saw the HUGE, DISGUSTING number of slimeballs who would buy a $12,000 TV and then return it the day after the Super Bowl, or bring back a laptop because they figured out that laptop computers don't automatically make you cool. Three months later, we introduced a restocking fee policy, and though I hated the idea, I blamed the asshat customers who made it a financial neccessity. It was with no small pleasure that I realized the fee could be waived for customers making a good faith return, to try out a better model. Anyway, flash forward several years. I had a ballbuster of a customer buying a digital camera. I highly reccomended a certain Nikon model... for about $200, it shot great pictures and there were very few bad things I could say about it. Ballbuster, however, wasn't convinced. He questioned everything I told him... that 3x optical zoom REALLY WAS a normal feature, that he REALLY WOULD get about 100 pictures on the memory card he bought, and that Nikon REALLY WAS a respected name in cameras. Pretty much anything I said, he asked me to justify six ways. Finally, I get him to agree to everything, and he asks about the return policy. "Well, you have x number of days to return your camera. If the item is opened, we do have a restocking fee, unless you are exchanging for an equal or better model." Oh, important fact, Nikon cameras come in a closed-but-not-sealed box. "What? If it's opened, I get charged a fee?" I nod. "Yes." I think it's simple enough. "And if it's not opened?" Um, think about it, slick. "If the item is not opened, then no, no fee." He grins like an asshat. "Well, how do you know I opened it?" Suddenly, my lart-sense kicked in, I could see him setting himself up. "We are required to inspect all boxes that get returned." El Suctomer gets cocky. "Yeah, but this box isn't taped shut or anything. If I bring it back, how do you know I didn't open it up like this?" And with that, he demonstrates how he can carefully pull out the cardboard latch and pull out the camera. I grin. "I do now, sir. Enjoy your camera."
    [By: linkv]
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  • Pwned! Unless, of course, he was smart enough to say "Well, I don't want to buy this one. Have you got another EXACT SAME MODEL in stock?" -Geminii
  • Woman sits down in the middle of the Accessories dept, in full view of the fitting room attendant, and opens up a jar of body lotion. She rolls up her pant leg and rubs it carefully into her skin. Seeming delighted with the results, she walks over to the fitting room attendant. "Do you have another jar of this? This one seems to have been used." Nice LART, you r0xx0r. -TranceGemini
  • PWND! indeed. Reminds me of my days @ service merchandise electronics hell. -Bobsentme
  • OOo, I felt that one here in Ottawa man. :) -Warrick
  • Nicely done...bet the look on Goober's face was priceless! -PTSTech
  • What do you want to bet he tries the "but it was opened in the store!" ploy. -ThreeBucks
  • 200. We're so mean
    Ah, the glory of cable modem support. "Thank you for calling, how may I help you?" the words that start war. "Yeah, I just got installed two days ago, and haven't been able to get online since! Send someone out here to fix this!" Check the account: he's correct, and I actually commend him for not waiting two months to complain. "I'm sorry to hear that. How many lights are on the cable modem right now?" It goes downhill from there. "I don't know, I'm not at home! Just fix it!" I do my checks-- his modem is locked in a disabled state. It's what happens to non-paying customers to stop their service, but sometimes customers in good standing get stuck in this state too. It usually happens because of someone monkeying with the power cord, and a complete power cycle is all that's needed to correct the problem. "Thanks for the information, sir. From what I can see here, your modem is stuck in an idle state. When you get home, simply remove the power cord, wait 30 seconds, and plug it back in. That should solve the problem and get you back online." That's my answer, but what do I know" "THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE! This installation was screwed up, I want someone at my house to fix this! You might be wrong, and I'm not going to wait for a tech!" Time for a minor larting, I think. "Sir, your modem is stuck in an idle state, and can be brought online simply by removing the power cord and putting it back in. If this does not resolve the issue, we would be more than happy to schedule a technician to visit your home. However, if we send a tech out and discover that the problem could have been resolved over the phone, we will charge a tech visit fee, which is a minimum of $100." Sit back and watch the show, kids. "WHAT?!? THAT'S RIDICULOUS! YOU'RE BULLYING THE CUSTOMER! I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I GET HOME TO SCHEDULE A TECH, AND IF I DON'T, YOU'RE GONNA CHARGE ME! YOU'RE PUTTING ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ON ME! THIS IS *ABUSING* THE CUSTOMER!" Okie dokie. "So, please remember to wait about thirty seconds before plugging the power cord back in. Is there anything else I can help you with today? "Oh, TRUST ME! If this DOESN'T work, I'm calling you people right back!" I checked the account for the next three months. He never called back.
    [By: linkv]
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  • I have at least a dozen accounts that I check for "when this doesn't work, I'm calling back". So far, so good. -avantgarde
  • I did cable ISP tech support for four years, and I had more fun than humans should be allowed to have in a day, while doing it. Customers are ID10Ts -THETECHFROMHELL
  • "Fun," she calls it... Wow... What do you do when you *really* throw a party? Pull your intestines out through your nostrils and wind them around a hot soldering iron? "Fun??????" Just.... wow.... ;~} -RiffRaff
  • "Okay, sir - I've just disabled your account in such a fashion that it requires a technician dispatch for repairs. It will be approximately 24 hours after that visit is complete before your connection will work, due to the testing and documentation requirements. Your sole compensation available for this outage is that we won't charge you for service during the outage period. There will be a $100 rewiring charge applied to the account due to you forcing up to rewire the wiring you said was unacceptable. As the varoius government agencies do not allow us to continue service in unacceptable conditions, we at $cableco thank you for bringing the matter to our attention. Thank you for your help, have a nice day. <click>" -Grue
  • ...and Eye apprantley kant speel tu gud tdoay.... -Grue
  • Methinks the fun part is when they either have Vonage running through the modem, or our VoIP system... Reboot... Darn... Didn't know they were on THAT phone. -ClueBat
  • Any time anyone isn't in front of the PC, just use "OK, that's fixed, call us again if you have any further problems." -Geminii
  • 201. Post Your Official Tech Problems List!
    Most PC service centers have a list of generally accepted excuses for various PC problems. This is generally not shown to customers, as it lists what's REALLY wrong with their systems, not just what we have to report. I'll start it off, go ahead and add your own!
    [By: linkv]
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  • Viruses and Spyware -linkv
  • ID10T error -linkv
  • AOL -linkv
  • Solar Flares -linkv
  • El Nino -linkv
  • The doohicky wasn't interfacing to the thingamabob, making the widget fail to engage the sprocket. Fix? Turn the monitor on. -Psudo36
  • PEBKAC -torgo
  • DSU error -Grue
  • Tinfoil hat missing -Grue
  • 1.21 gigawatts not available. -Grue
  • Failure to RTFM -illiterate
  • Rebooting for daylight savings time chaneg. -concept14
  • I thought it was 1.21 Jigawatts. -burrkiss
  • Fluxcompacitor; full moon; daylight savings; the list is endless.... -exzyle2k
  • we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line -Slycat
  • The Kegabyte™ is running dry -Slycat
  • gnomes - little basterds get into everything. and gremlins. -Harm
  • Magic smoke missing, presumed escaped -Westgate
  • Prophylactic failure. -MeanDean
  • "Well, shit... Yer spark plug wires are limp as spaghetti, it looks like ya poured goddamn india ink into the carburetor, and when the hell was the last time you changed yer fuel filter!?" ('PC' does stand for 'Plymouth Crap-box', right?) -MeanDean
  • heavy build up of nicotine on every major part. roaches dead and alive in the system. tower used as litter box. -postal tech
  • it needs a new mouse -Jax
  • PICNIC error -- Problem In Chair, Not In Computer. -Captain Trips
  • User error. -iFox
  • Customer doesn't know how to read. -AmazingKreskin
  • Customer forgot user name. Changed it to initials. Customer no longer remembers initials. -Darkridr
  • I'll sait, unafraid of what larts may fly- 95% PEBKAC errors... -HappyCrappy
  • ONLY 95%, HappyCrappy? Seems a bit low to me... -Evilturnip
  • "computer" is actually a portable dvd player....story to follow -starfishmagnet
  • PEBKAC virus cuasing the ID-10-T error. -virusjtg
  • Computer IQ > User IQ -PTSTech
  • Users. -Gromit
  • Microsoft. -geekgirljess
  • http://www.strauss.za.com/sla/support.html -Bynar
  • The computers in one of the labs at school have the crappiest hot-swap bays ever. You can disconnect the drive without unlocking it by just pulling gently. And of course, these high-school students are most attracted to these little handles in bootup and mid-important-my-grade-will-go-from-A-to-F-no-seriously-it-will-document-save. And we're the bad guys when they lose their work because of three things: They were saving locally when they are supposed to save to the network because all local documents are deleted on logout (and we have signs noting this), and even if they were saving to the network, its reading partially from the hard drive cache, which they pull halfway out as soon as the light starts blinking, and many of them try to save to floppies even though we have TAPE over the FDDs and signs saying that the FDDs don't work and will freeze the computers. By the way, these hot-swap bays, they can be picked with a paperclip in about five seconds. And then there's always the person who prints out a pr0nographic image 20 times on the lazer printer, the jackass that turns off the surge protector when he's done, killing five other machines, the genius who sits at the computer next to the hub and turns off the hub by "mistake", the kid who thinks he's doing community service by installing every program he sees on advertisements, including Kazaa and Gator, one of my personal favorites - the guy who turns off the computer and moves to another one because someone else's username is still in the login prompt, the person who goes to a virus-laden site which is blocked by BESS who then ignores the message saying the site has viruses and go out of their way to attempt to bypass the block, the person who manages to blow out the NIC "without even sitting down". Pretty soon we'll have kids fiddling with the 110v/220v switches on the back. Unfortunately they're too smart to stick the power cords in their mouths. So I'd say our problem is the users. -linuxmatt
  • "Alluvial damper fault" - "ionization reactor failure" - "binary load-lifter doesn't support latest Bootchi language revisions" - "contiuum discontinuity error caused by emptor". -Inphinity
  • And "lingua incorrectly positioned". Yes, I'm crazy :P -Inphinity
  • "Chewie, bring me the HydroSpanners!" <I don't know how we're gonna get outta THIS one...> -MadJack
  • Cat5 cable is bent. All the 0's go thru, but the 1's get stuck in the bend. -maciarc
  • The "I thought I could fix it my self, so I tried" error. -Flexo
  • 202. Detective Leet is on the case!
    Like every other morning, I'd sat down, wondering what the day would bring? Would I have a dozen elderly people trying to configure outlook express, or would I have to spend an hour arguing with a stepford wife about not supporting her router? My questions were answered when the headset beeped, I pulled up an account, and found I had the family's 15-year-old son on the line. "YOU PEOPLE ARE UNDER A DENIAL-OF-SERVICE ATTACK!!!" Okay, that's a new one. I asked him what brought him to that conclusion. "I CAN'T GET ON THE INTERNET AND I CAN'T PING YOUR MAIL SERVER! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO HACK YOU! STOP THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" I check the network status. Something is definately wrong, but it's nothing I haven't seen before. "Sir, I do see a network problem developing in your area, but that would have nothing to do with your inability to ping our mail server. Our mail server does not respond to ping requests at any time." A little more time reveals a fairly typical outage-- fiber cut or hub down, something like that IIRC. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! THIS IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE!! WHOEVER IS DOING THIS COULD BE FACING PRISON TIME! YOU'VE GOT TO STOP THEM! A FEDERAL OFFENSE!" I thanked him for his brilliant cybersleuthing skills and sent him on his way, just as the official memo of an outage rolled in. For the rest of the day, I took calls from people upset because of the outage, but I chuckled-- no one else was under the impression their ISP was being hacked by terrorists.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Fire up the beast! It's Nmap time! -clockkingfl
  • I remember Nmap and it is funny if you hit the right person with it. This guy needs something else. I think he'll get it when he mouths off to the wrong person and gets his face rearranged. -clockkingfl -THETECHFROMHELL
  • "well it appears someone has been illegally pinging our mail server i had better call the FBI" -Lehk
  • 203. The Internet's Not Working!
    'Twas a day like any other, filled with calls like many others. Midway through, I heard the beep in my ear. "The internet's not working! I think my modem's broken." Ah, a completely moronic statement, followed by a totally unfounded conclusion-- disregard and continue as normal. "I'm sorry to hear that, Ma'am. What happens when you try to connect?" Pull up my tools, her modem is online and returning pings. "It says 'Page Cannot be Displayed'." Continue more troubleshooting, eventually hitting "What happens when you try to check your e-mail?" And there it is. "Oh, I get e-mail just fine. The Internet's just not working." I shrug, knowing she can't see me. "Well, then the problem is somewhere within your setup, likely a firewall or router issue." Does she listen? Come on... "Oh, no, it's the modem, because the internet doesn't work. Can you send someone out to fix this?" Right, watch for the purple monkey. "The modem is working fine. I can see it on my end. Also, if you are able to recieve e-mail, then the modem is doing its job, because e-mail does travel through the Internet." Her response? "Oh, well, yeah, if you wanna get TECHNICAL about it..."
    [By: linkv]
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  • LOL, I miss doing ISP tech support. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • If the tech from hell misses ISP support, he is one very sick demon. -CyBear
  • "It's called 'knowing what the hell I'm talking about'. ma'am. You should try it sometime." -Geminii
  • LOL, I miss doing ISP tech support. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • "Of course I want to get TECHNICAL about it, that's my job, TECHNICAL support, technically. You did call for TECHNICAL support, didn't you?" -chazz
  • "Really? I thought e-mail was delivered by the e-postman. You know, the guy who phones my computer and says 'You've got mail!'?" -Gaah
  • Burn her! -TranceGemini
  • I think my daughter has the e-postman's eyes... LOL -MusketTech
  • ROFLMAO at Trance and Musket's comments -momo
  • Yeah, that little Incredimail butler delivers her mail. Who needs internet for that? -MamaTech
  • 204. Will You Help With My Secret Project?5/5
    "I thought if I connected the two computers together, they could be online at the same time." Wow, thanks for telling me that twenty minutes ago! "Well, sir, that could theoretically work. How do you connect to the internet?" There isn't a doubt in my mind what his answer will be. "Dial-up". Damn, I'm good. "Well, then you really can't do that without a second phone line. Dial-up doesn't give you enough of a connection to share. The best way to share internet is to get cable/DSL and use a router." This offends him, somehow. "I HAVE NO INTENTION OF PAYING FOR CABLE!" Allright, fine. Say hi to Fred and Barney for me. "Well, then there's not much you can do. If you set up a shared dialup connection the way you're describing, I guarantee the speed will be too slow to be worth it." He shot me a look of distrust, and possible panic at knowing he'd let me in on his master plan and I'd dissapproved. I ran to clock out... I'd had an overdose of stupid. The thing is, he wasn't a starfish. He was too inquisitive and too eager to learn on his own for that. But dang, that guy is destined to learn most of his lessons the hard way...
    [By: linkv]
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  • Hmmmmmmmmmmmm... linux box, transparent firewall, active caching of favorite links... might not be *ideal*, but it could work... no way would I put it in anyone else's hands, though. -namor
  • At first I was convinced that he was going to be trying to build a world-conquering robot out of video cards...but then it turned out to be something much stupider. Hey, do you have any documentation on giant robots? -Evilturnip
  • It's ooover theeeeere, in the bookstooooore...... </bad Bill Cosby impression> -srteach
  • OMFG whoa.... I would have ran straight for a cold beer after that one. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • I once had a dedicated machine to "share" a dial-up modem amongst 7 W98/W95 computers, connected with CO-AX - It was a great day when we installed the new 56K modem! -Divinar
  • I have one client site where there are three PCs sharing a connection through a 56k modem... dirt-poor charity, can't afford DSL. Bit of a shame, that... they do good work. -chazz
  • Used to share a 56k connection over four computers.. was good enough for IRC, but not much else :) -Diptera
  • When I went to visit a friend I mud with, to try to look at his modem, it kept dropping the connection, we shared his line with a crossover cable. I wouldnt try downloading any IllWillPress, but mudding was ok, until it dropped. He ended up getting a new modem, but it was mcafee (or norton) doing it. Was all sorts of screwed up. -evolvedstarfish
  • yeah I shared a dialup connect but that was circa 1999. had a 486 25mhz with linux on it to serve as a dialup server and had COAX networking.by spring 2000 I had DSL -SGTARKyTEK
  • Way back when I had 5 machines in an office running a combo of Win98 and 2k. All sharing a dialup connection through a peer network and a WinProxy server. Was great fun when all of them wanted to get their email at the same time. -Jeckler
  • My first guess was that he wanted to eavesdrop on somebody else's machine. The whole secrecy bit kind of distracted me. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 205. Will You Help With My Secret Project?4/5
    "No, sir, but if you look here, you can actually see the colors of the wires going in seperate orders." I demonstrate this to him, hoping he can actually understand the concept of colors. "Well, can I make my own cables?" Nuh-uh, dude. If 'Use the yellow cable' is too much of a stumper for you, making your own cat-5 is not an ideal DIY project!!! "Well, yes, you can, we have connectors here, a crimping tools, and we also sell the cable by the spool." Finally, I get a glimmer of enthusiasm, however misplaced. "Oh, I've got phone cable at home! Lots of it!" I cringe. "You can't use phone cable (maybe a halfway decent tech could, but *you* can't!). This isn't phone cable, you can see it's much bigger." He guffaws. "Oh, I've got that big stuff too. I Salvage that kind of thing." Whatever. I just want to end this discussion. But no, it's not to be.
    [By: linkv]
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    206. Will You Help With My Secret Project?3/5
    "I'm not sure what kind I need. Do you have any documentation?" Allright, I refuse to answer that question yet again. "Well, what card you need would depend on what you want to do. WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO COME IN AND LOOK AT THESE CARDS?" He promply ignores me and asks "Which one can I use to connect two computers?" I'd ask him for what purpose, but between the two of us, I'm the only one who can sense a pattern. "Well, these Network cards can be used for that." He looks at a NIC, then looks at me sideways as if he's afraid I'm catching on. "What kind of cable do you need for this?" I show him what a Cat-5 looks like. "Now, you can see it looks like a phone cable, but it's much bigger. We have lengths of 7, 15, 20, and 50 feet." I show him the differences between patch and crossover cables, and when he'd need to use which one. "So... when I'm connecting two computers, I'd use... the... yellow... one... What's the difference between the two?" I show him the pins. "The pins are in a different order. A computer will use a different order than a high-speed network will. Just remember to use the yellow cable if you're connecting two computers. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO REMEMBER." He scratches his head. "Do you have documentation on the pins?" ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaCKKK!!!
    [By: linkv]
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    207. Will You Help With My Secret Project?2/5
    "I need to know about the plug-in cards. You know, the ones that you put into the computer." It's a pretty safe bet that he's talking about PCI/AGP expansion cards. "Well, we have those in this department over here. What do you need to know?" I walk him over to that section. "I need to know about them. Do you have any documentation?" I now notice that he has no intention of going to the bookstore. "No, sir, we don't sell computer books here. If you have any questions on them, I'd be glad to help you out. What information are you looking for?" He says "I need to know what they do." Thanks, I thought this was going to be vague. "Well, they do lots of things, depending on what you need. We have Graphics cards to drive video, network cards for making high-speed connections, modems for basic dial-up internet use... what did you have in mind, sir?"
    [By: linkv]
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    208. Will You Help With My Secret Project?1/5
    Here's a different kind of story, one that's not about gross stupidity so much as it is about a complete refusal to communicate. This customer walks in-- he wasn't a starfish, but was definately a lower marine mammal of some variety. He was looking for PC components, and somehow wandered clear of that section into the Children's Electronics section. I ask him if I can help him. "Do you have documentation on computers?" Sadly, if we did, no one would ever buy it. "No, sir, we don't have any computer books here. There are two great bookstores just down the street, though." He just nods. "Do you have documentation on the computer plug-in cards?" Babelfish cries. "No, Sir, as I said, we don't have any computer books here. Is there something in particular you need to know?" It's now clear he's straining against himself, trying to make sure he doesn't say too much.
    [By: linkv]
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  • NOTE: Marine mammal = marine animal. Oops. -linkv
  • sure you didn't do that on porpoise? -illiterate
  • 209. My Buddy
    This afternoon I got a tap on the shoulder. A customer service rep is telling me that someone wants to return a computer package, claiming it's too slow. I walk up to the suctomer, introduce myself, and immediately get smacked with the smell of booze. This can't be good. He says he wants to bring everything back... he'd bought a PC (decent model), monitor, and printer. "I got ripped off! I told the guy what I had, and he sold me this thing that's slower than what I have at home! What kinda shit is this? If someone wants an UPGRADE, you don't sell them something SLOWER!!! An' my buddy looked at my thing, and it's already 70% full! I wanna refund!" WTF? He's got a 200 GB hard drive... how the hell could he fill it overnight? Turns out, his buddy was looking at the recovery partition. Doofus. Then he said "And I want a better printer! This thing is slower than what I have at home!" This I found curious, because he'd gotten a printer that, while not amazing, was rated at over 22 ppm. I asked what he had at home. I look up the specs online, and his current printer was rated at a whopping 4.2 ppm. So, I said "Well, I'll exchange your printer if you want to, but I really don't think it'll help. I can't even imagine how your current one is better than this, they're not even in the same league. Perhaps we could change the ink settings to make it run faster, albeit with less ink? Lots of customers find that helpful." So, he thinks it over, "Oh, I never set it up. Never even took it out of the box." I'm stunned. "But... how did you come to the conclusion that it was slow, then?" He nods "My buddy told me. He's good with computers."
    [By: linkv]
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  • Wonder if there exist those, who are similar about other people. "Nah, that one'd be lousy in bed. Go for her friend, instead." -namor
  • And this buddy, is he in the room now? am I talking to buddy at this moment? would you like to try on this cool new jacket? it's got these sleeves that tie in the back so you don't have to worry about the jacket comming off. -drachen
  • I think I found his 'buddy' (SFW) http://www.dollinfo.com/mybud90s.htm -Necros
  • Is this 'buddy' a graduate of Judy Patch Academy? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Here ya go linkv...If I would have walked in to your store, I'd have told him: "Oh yeah???? Well my "buddy" can kick your "buddys'" ass!! Whaddya think 'o that, "buddy"?" >:) -rokitt
  • Just take the stuff back without a word. When pressed, explain to him that you're doing the computer equipment a favor. -Jay911
  • My buddy Jack tells me a lot of things - and is myteriously absent when anyone esle is involved! eh jack! jack? werethe hell are you?!@ -Harm
  • Your buddy is a fucking ID10T. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Bonsai Buddy? -NordicPT
  • Judy Patch is that you? -momo
  • Ahhh - it all becomes clear - "buddy" is a clone of our very own of "Bloke down the pub" - a fuckwit of the first order, dispensing bullshit wherever he goes & not hanging around for the fallout. -lineswine
  • Now, my sister bought a brand new computer , because the one I gave her died of severe smoke inhaltion(new power supply fixed it) This was a new HP amd64 wizbang system, the damn thing would just shutdown in the middle of doing something. I looked for bios updates...appears there is a major problem with this model and the upgrade fixes, known problem FOR MONTHS, you would think when you buy a computer from BEST TRY and they install AV and other things for you , they'd update the BIOS! -SGTARKyTEK
  • 210. Apple Blues...
    It was another one of those days where you'll have no customers for two hours, and then a dozen will walk into the store all at once. In the midst of trying to balance two different customers, the PFY walks up to me. "Um... those wireless USB adaptors... do they work with Macs?" I blurt out "Yes!" then think... hmmm, I should qualify that. "Umm, I mean, it depends. What version of MacOS is it?" PFY looks at me and says "Uhhh... IBM?"
    [By: linkv]
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  • And Judy Patch says that Windows 98MEXPVista is made by Apple. -crazymactech
  • "I'm sorry, MacOS IBM dosen't support wireless" would be the proper response. -AgentV3
  • Actually had an EU whine at me once because she couldn't get OSX to install on an IMB Thinkpad, its posted up here in the archives as an EUPOTD -Digital Dogcow
  • DD, actually I think you CAN get OSX to install on a thinkpad. There were some recent articles on it. http://tinyurl.com/cxkvj -ecoli
  • I did NOT see that coming. (MacOS IBM????) Coughing rum-and-coke up ones nose is... uncomfortable. -LoTech
  • 211. More of Linkv's classic case notes
    Caller claims to be using a Mac that is a few years old, which is running Windows 95. Have asked if he might be using MacOS, he insists he loaded Win95 onto it, and it is not emulated. Strangely, he cannot find some of the things I am asking him to find. Customer either has OS9 or VirtualPC with Win95. Frankly, I don't think he's smart enough to operate either.
    [By: linkv]
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  • "What sort of vehicle do you have?" "It's a brand new Chewy." "Ummm... don't you mean Chevy?" "IT'S A CHEWY DAMMIT, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!!" Oooo-kayyyy... -teivrann
  • *Han Solo* Laugh it up, Hairball*/Han Solo* -halfstarfish
  • laugh it up fuzzball </solo> -Jax
  • damn beaten to it -Jax
  • Their car must be a cross between a Plymouth Valiant and a Mercury Comet - a vomit! -ecoli
  • ROFL @ ecoli -duckhead
  • Their car was a cross between an Allegro & a Rover... a Leg-rover! -lineswine
  • No, it was a Chevy No-va (Spanish for a "No-go".) -Captain Trips
  • Hopefully the leg-rover is spade. Don't need a new breed of starfish... -StarFishHearder
  • Windows NT's user-interface looks an awful lot like Windows 95. Windows NT 4 ran just fine on PowerPC (the PowerPC installer is included on the standard install CD.) Macintoshes continue (for a little while anyway) to run on PowerPC CPUs. He installed NT4, mayhaps? -LoTech
  • Performa with a DOS card? Those could run 95 just fine. -iFox
  • LoTech - the PowerPC installer only installed on certain platforms - the Apple platform wasn't one of them. Thankfully B) -ralphp1024
  • iFox- No, I believe it was a first-gen iMac. -linkv
  • Somebody once said they have a Pontiac Gooole. They had a Pontiac 6000LE -momo
  • And not a 6000SUX? -Wraith556
  • That's like the Ford Fiso truck. -Jay911
  • 212. Yet Another Classic Case Notes
    Caller has just purchased a new pc, and wants to transfer her old e-mail to her new pc. She wanted to set it up exactly like her old one. I asked her what e-mail software she was using. She said Webmail. I had her fire up IE and type in the Webmail URL. She was amazed that I could transfer it so fast.
    [By: linkv]
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  • And your sh*t doesn't stink neither! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I bow to your superior abilities. </sarcasm> -Starfury
  • "That moved really quickly. What took the most time was transferring the internet." -teivrann
  • It still amazes me that people just don't know....anything. -Timeflies
  • The stupidity never ceases to amaze me. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • 213. I Pushed the Red Button!
    CableISP was one of those sadistic corporations that had a rule against disconnecting callers. If the caller was intent on wasting your time, all you could do was politely tell them to stop being such a big meanie. This led to several funny incidents, which I'll be posting once I get my star powers (soon). I always resented the idea that courtesy to the customer was supposed to override any personal dignity I had. Anyway, at my current job, a girl comes up to me and says "We have a 'Manager call' on line 666." That would be me. I pick up the phone and say "Thank you for holding, my name is linkv, how may I help you?" which is greeted with "LINKV?!? They told me the store manager's name was PAUL! They said they were going to check and see if he was on another line and let me talk to him! Why the hell am I talking to you?" Oh, my manager's name has been changed because he's basically a cool guy. "If Paul is on another line, then I would be the only manager on duty right now. What may I help you with?" And it starts "This is Bullshit! Why do I gotta go through all this just to fucking call you guys! You assholes take me in and jerk me around on the goddamn phone, Christ! What the fuck are you up to?!" He's making this personal, that's not cool. "Sir, there is no need to use that kind of language." Then he got cute. "Oh?! What?!? Are you fuckin' *DELICATE* or something?" Let's make this clear, dude. "Sir, if you use that kind of language, I will not continue this call." And then... "YOU FUCKING..." *Click* ...And that was it. ...And linkv needed a cigarette. -_-
    [By: linkv]
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  • "No, No! Not the WED one!!" <Obligatory> -MadJack
  • It makes you wonder what sort of environment people like this grew up in where they believe the only acceptable way to get anything done is to scream and shouting and try to intimidate everyone else. -teivrann
  • 2 words: "foot ball" thats the kind of environment. -Slycat
  • HEYYYY!!!! I get to push the red button that makes the nukes blow up..I called it! -RandalGraves
  • These are the type that I would love to tell to go fuck them selves. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • "Don't touch it you fool! It's the History Eraser button!" </ren> -AmazingKreskin
  • No, the type of enviornment that causes people to act like this was the main office of my university that would help students. I learned that the quickest and easiest way to get service in there would be to walk in the door and start cursing and screaming at them. If you were nice and waited your turn, they didn't care about you. But as soon as you start to get angry, they take care of you to get you out of their office. -JH
  • 214. I like it this way!
    Two customers are standing in front of a PC. It would appear that one of them is buying her first computer, and the other is offering her advice. As I walk up, it seems that she is showing her friend how to use the mouse. I see her pick it up and turn it around, so that the buttons and cord are facing her. She moves it around as normal. Then comes the eternal quote: "Yeah, I know it's backwards, but I just like using it that way!"
    [By: linkv]
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  • Back in my days running an art dept, we used to employ a very tallented graphic designer who always used the mouse the wrong way round. -Digital Dogcow
  • DD for Artist that makes sense, a lot of them learn to look at anything they are drawing upside down or to draw it upside down as a way to concentrate on the details rather than the whole picture. -Wolfie0827
  • So, did they turn the monitor upside down too? Sheesh. -Bobsentme
  • If she can use it fully with it backwards, she is better skilled than alot of techies. However, if she starts complaining that it doesn't work like her other mouse when she uses it normally, then it is time to LART her. -bewaretech
  • Well, now - back when the Apple //gs was brand spanking new, the store I worked for sold five to the local Urology Clinic (think "Where do I go when I can't piss?"). One of the doctors came in complaining the mouse didn't work right. I tried it, worked great. He said, "No, when you move it right, it should go left." After I boggled for a few seconds, he added "At least that's how the urethoscope works. I'm not sure you'd want me to regain my bearings when the rod is up inside of you, now, would you?" I promptly rewired his mouse so it would go left when you moved the mouse right ... A urethoscope, BTW, is that fibre optic thing they stick up inside you to allow them to see WHY you can't piss like you're supposed to be able to ... -ralphp1024
  • one of my clients does this too... I find it so strange. and to the guy above me... damn good move...casue Id hate for him to get messed up. -xtc46
  • If she KNOWS its backwards, but prefers it that way - that's not really starfish behaviour, is it? -Shaede
  • I think I understand, she prefers 69. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • 215. Another great day for starfish...
    Sorry if this has been posted already. ( http://tinyurl.com/da8fx ) So it seems that Kodak is ready to make another great advance in digital photography. What is it, you ask? Better lenses in their cameras? Affordable Digital SLRs? A magenta ink that avoids fading? No. They're shipping WiFi-enabled cameras, so that people can upload pictures via hotspots right to the internet, instead of using memory cards. Sure, this sounds cool for the first three minutes, but what's their rationale? "It's the next step forward in cameras. No more worrying about plugging in the cable," said photography analyst Ed Lee of InfoTrends, a research firm in Weymouth, Mass. Oh, good. Because that damn cable is just evil. All the things in digital photography that need fixing, and they're worried about the cable. And it leads to "computer-free" digital pictures. Look, if you can't use a computer, DON'T GET A DIGITAL CAMERA!!! Damn starfish, try learning something new instead of expecting the world to design products to help you stay ignorant! *sigh* Yes, I know there are probably some neat uses for something like this, but really, it just feels like a waste of R&D.
    [By: linkv]
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  • I can't think of anything it would be good for. One reason i haven't gotten a digital camera yet is the poor lenses on them. -Wolffarmer
  • not all digital cameras have shitty lenses, you get what you pay for though... on another thought what makes them think that they'll be able to connect to the net with their camera when they can't do it with their laptops... -NOFXfan
  • ... and how many won't secure their home Wifi connections, because then they won't be able to figure out how to connect with their camera...? -namor
  • I see alot of camera-phone style things happening. Banned from any place the members/people don't want to be photographed. -Bobsentme
  • better be careful with those bedroom shots sparky, or your gonna become a global "star" -Armakuni
  • They did it , becasue ppl whined when they found out that PROFESSIONALS had it on thier $3-$10 K camreas (god forbid). -axjdo
  • Hey Armakuni , that was just what I thought, after all Digital cameras are the new Polaroid, more pr0n? or sick uses for a dog and a banana? woe betide us all -Jax
  • 216. I have a coupon!
    "I'd like to look at your mp3 players." Those are the words that started it all. I took him over to our selection, and showed him the works. We had a pretty good discussion (I'd say 20-30 minutes) about the various options... which ones supported WMA, which ones did not... which ones had FM tuners, which ones did not... where to get music from, the differences between flash memory and hard drives, etc. It seemed to be a very productive discussion. He settled on a 5GB Creative player. The price was about $240 then. I walk him to the register, when he says "Oh, wait, I have a coupon for 10% off!" Goody. I take a look at it... it's one of our store's coupons. Yep, it reads "10% off any TV." This isn't small print, either, we're talking 24-point font. "Um, sir, that's 10% off of a TV." He nods. "Yes, I'd like to use it for this." Sigh. "Yes, sir, but this device is not a TV." I'm a little bit sickened that I had to clarify that. "Yeah, but I came in here hoping I could use this coupon to buy this." And around we go. "That's unfortunate, sir, but the coupon clearly does say OFF OF ANY TV. Would you still like to purchase the mp3 player?" A line starts to form behind him. "Um... I'll think about it." I ring up the customers behind him, while he stands behind me, giving me the puppy dog eyes. His turn comes around again. "Yeah... see... I thought I could use that coupon. It would have been a really nice incentive to buy that player." Oh, boy do I hate whining, as well as the poor suffering customer routine. For a moment, I contemplate adjusting the price... but then I realize, all I'd be doing is rewarding this guy for being illiterate. No go. "I'm sorry, sir, but the coupon is for a TV. It says so right on there." He droops his head. "I'll try again next week..."
    [By: linkv]
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  • I wish that was made up..... I weep for the human race. -putahtek
  • So a week will pass and, to his dismay, mp3 players will still not have metamorphosized(sic?) into tvs. -viennasausage
  • I feel my IQ draining away just reading that. -Torinir
  • It'd got an LCD display, I'll bet. And they have LCD TVs. His cerebellum fused, and the two came together in glorious harmony. WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE THE OBVIOUS??? HEED THIS MAN'S PLEA! -namor
  • Yeah, I've got a Toyota Camry. Can I take it to the Kia dealer for work? -MattN
  • I want a new COUPON!!!! (running for the LART shelter now) -Starfury
  • I'll trade you that coupon for this nice CLUEPON. -Torinir
  • tell him "ok sure, I'll take the coupon"...then take it from him, and put it in your pocket. when the neepfest insues, tell him you never told him you'd give him the discount. just that you'd -drachen
  • The sad thing is, to stop this waste of human intelligence, it will be easier just to give him the 10% off!!! -SFishWrangler
  • Burn the slusser. Burn, burn, BURN! -vacuumtubes
  • He'll try again with a different store rep? -illiterate
  • "A line starts to form behind him." Why not be diplomatic about it? Ask the folks in line, "This customer we're all waiting on wants to use this coupon for 10% off of a TV price to buy an MP3 player. Do you folks think I should do it for him? OH! And I won;t do it for any of you." Somehow, you emporew all those people waiting -AND- deliver a multi-warehead LART. -ShujinTribble
  • Problem is, fun as it is to ask the other customers, a) they take their fellow customer's side, almost always, and b) you usually get yelled-at by some supervisor or manager or someone once the customer neeps enough. That, or the sup/mgr HEARS you. Shit. -_-; Just...Darwin Awards his ass! -TranceGemini
  • This will still be an MP3 player in one week, and that coupon will still be for a television (and might have expired by then). -Mushroom
  • put the price up on the mp3 player by 10% ready for his return, then give the 10% off. -Jax
  • You do realize that by "I'll try again next week" he meant, "I'll be here next week, trying the same thing with one of your coworkers, in the hopes it'll work.", right? -Parilla
  • 217. The Transporter is Offline, Ma'am
    Every once in a while, someone will call up RetailComputerStore, saying they purchased an item that was missing a certain component. It's not a big deal... almost all the time it just means they set the item down somewhere and lost it. Occassionally, they actually did get an incorrectly packed box, because some factory worker made a simple mistake. In any case, I really don't care which is which, I just want to help them get said part. The problem is, 50% of these calls end up like this: "Hi, I bought a monitor there yesterday, and the speaker cable is missing." Standard response: "I'm sorry to hear that. There are two ways you can get a new cable. The way I'd reccomend would be to contact the manufacturer direcrtly, let them know, and they'll mail you a replacement." This really is the easiest way to do it... the BigName OEM that makes our monitors is really good about replacing damaged/missing parts. "I don't wanna do that. What else can I do?" Here goes: "Well, if you come back in with your monitor, the box, and all the stuff that came with it, we can swap it out for a new monitor, and return the old one as 'defective'. I realize that's a big hassle, but it's the only other option we'd have." So, there's options A and B. "But I don't wanna have to drive back there!" My area is pretty sparsely populated. It's not uncommon to have customers drive 1 or 2 hours each way to get to us. "I realize that, and I do apologize. I don't want to inconvenience you, but those are the options we have to resolve this. You can come in and swap it out, or if that's not an option, you can fix it for free with a phone call to the OEM." And still "But that doesn't help me at all..." WTF??!?! Look, if you need a cable, you can get it from us, or you can get it from them, but we can't just *beam* one into your house! And in spite of it all, I've got $5 saying that the cable is sitting on your kitchen table right now, and you just don't realize it.
    [By: linkv]
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  • You've already told her the options. WHEN (or maybe IF) she decides to take one of them, she'll get help. Until then, she won't. Two simple methods and she wants neither, probably wants someone to drop off the cable and kiss her feet at the same time. -teivrann
  • I'd drop off her cable, alright- dropped from the pole connectiom... -HappyCrappy
  • Lil' Horace Slapnutz puts, stamps his foot and whines, "I don' wanna!" -vacuumtubes
  • There is an oft-quoted Third option, and it's a simple four step process: Take the gaspipe. Breathe deeply. Remove yourself from this terrestrial plane. And don't forget your hat. -vacuumtubes
  • Ah the gulf between starfish expectation and reality! ya gotta love 'em. Listen Sparky go look at your TV power switch you have TWO options 'on' or 'off' does it have a fucking dimmer knob? NO didn't think so. Thats what we call an analogy, AND a lesson for life!. -Digital Dogcow
  • Sounds like they want their dollar AND their taco -Starfury
  • Sounds like they want their dollar AND their taco -Starfury
  • Two dollars, two tacos. Inflation. -Evilturnip
  • damn the Taco has gone up ....WTF! -Jax
  • TV doesn't need a dimmer knob -- it's always dimmer. -concept14
  • "I wish to report a problem with my TV. It's broken." "What does it do or not do, Ma'am?" "Well, I keep turning the 'Brightness' knob, but all the shows are as stupid at every setting on it." -ralphp1024
  • she probably heard a paul harvey commerical where a walmart employee drives 4hours one way in a snow storm with tornados to give a customer a missing part -SGTARKyTEK
  • 218. Nonverbal LART
    Background: one pet peeve of mine has always been people who can't be bothered with basic courtesy. One thing I see over and over is a person who won't even acknowledge me except to bark out orders, without even so much as introduction or greeting. I'll get this daily, with customers that jump right to the point. "Hello there, how are you today?" To which they respond "ROUTERS!". Uh huh, you are routers today. Whatever, I shake off the non sequitor and show them the routers. But a few days ago... gah. A guy comes in and starts looking around. He's holding an ad with a PC on it. I walk over to greet him, and he's a good two feet taller than me-- I have to put a kink in my neck to make eye contact. I put a smile on my face and walk up and say "Hello there, Sir, how are you doing today?" He doesn't smile, doesn't open his mouth, just stares me down and smacks the ad, indicating he wants that computer. GRRRRRRRRRRR... Dammit, I'm not asking you to invite me over for coffee and scones, just acknowledge that I said something to you!!! Then I realize... there's no reason I should be bothered by this, HE'S the one being a pompus ass. His meaty hands, smacking the ad are right at my eye level, but I keep my eyes locked onto his (somewhere up in the ionosphere). I keep my smile on, he keeps up the "Hop to it, boy" scowl. We stare each other down for about a minute (which lasts about 17 years). Finally, he leans his head down a little. "I'd like to look at this computer, please." Victory. We now have a real conversation going. "Certainly, Sir, it's right over this way..." linkv - 1, rudeness - 0.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Heh, sweet. I just love it when otherwise intimidatind people are cowed by simple persistence. -ThreeBucks
  • I think that this was really a tunafish pretending to be a hammerhead. They get real confused when their 'prey' won't give up immediately! -TieDyedDinosaur
  • Nicely done! -PikaPikaChick
  • Well done good sir. Personally, I hate it when I lets say open the door for somebody and they keep walking without saying thankyou, I yell " you are welcome". Either I get nasty looks or "oh thankyou". Feels good either way -momo
  • Beautiful. Just Beautiful. Excellent job showing him who's boss! -renaultguy
  • Next time customer thumps the paper like that, start in with the sign language. That'll make them feel REALLY small. -Bobsentme
  • You could also have got him ten more copies of the ad. Hee. -Geminii
  • Another reason why I avoid jobs that involve human interaction. I'd have continued any further interaction totally nonverbally, using nothing but Frankenstein "Hrrrr!" grunts and gestures. (Maybe throw in a "Hrrmm! Friend! Good!" while pointing at the machine in question.) -MeanDean
  • "Did you need me to read the ad to you, sir?" -Calcul8r
  • Without saying a word, just point in the (very) vague direction of the PC stuff, walking away straight after. Better still, just walk away, after all he never made any attempt to actually communicate anything meaningful to you, did he? -lineswine
  • 219. Well, how silly of me!
    I'm going to recount this exactly as it happened, as the flow of the discussion is what makes it funny. Someone calls the shop, and I pick up the phone. "RetailComputerStore, how can I help you?" It starts out normally enough. "Hi. What's the best way to get data from my old computer to a new computer?" I get this a lot. "Well, there are several ways to do it. If you only have a little data, the easiest way to transport it is usually with a CD-R or a USB drive." The customer ponders this "So, how do I do that?" Again, this seems normal. "Well, we'd load a blank CD into your computer and you could tell us what you wanted transferred." Suddly, the starfish ATTACKS! "WELL! How am I supposed to do that when my computer was struck by lightning and doesn't even turn on?! HUH!?" Oh, excuse me. What is, this, some retarded variant of "made-ya-look"?
    [By: linkv]
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  • Hmmmmm, I suggest, "GIGO, asshole. Any other questions?" and see how long the spluttering on the other end of the line lasts. Give your name as your manager <grin> -CTYankee
  • Can't'cha just wish hard enough for this yahoo to inhale Di-hydrogenMonoxide? -ShujinTribble
  • "Well, that's different. Nevermind." *click* </Emily Litella> -Mushroom
  • "Well sir, I guess you're fucked". <DA> Actually the data on the HDD is probably good. I've seen a few PC's after strikes, usually the mobo and PSU take the brunt of the hit. A small personal server that I have has a NIC from one of the PC's, works great. </DA> -deskmonkey
  • thanks for mentioning that when we started this call, assclown. My sincerest apologies, I left my MIND READING CAP AT HOME. -battybeyond
  • "That could make it tougher, sir... Are you sure it was struck by lightning? Were you out in the field holding it up to the computer gods as a ritual sacrifice at the time?" -Voz
  • "Well, in that case we'd ask for your backups, and if you didn't have any we'd charge you six thousand dollars, keep your computer in the back room for two months, and then tell you the data was unretrievable. Sir." -Geminii
  • My variant of this is even worse (to me, at least), since I normally only speak directly to customers during escations: CSR calls me, we spend 15-20 minutes going over a bill, I get everything explained to the CSR's understanding, and they hit me with "OK, now can you explain that to the customer? They wanna speak to a supervisor." *headdeskheaddeskheaddesk* Great. So, now, not only do I have to explain all that to the customer (typically multiply explanation time by 1.5-2x compared to a CSR) IF they let me get a word in edgewise, but now I have to do it with a customer who's pissed off because they've been on hold for 20 minutes BECAUSE YOU NEVER FREAKING MENTIONED THE CALL WAS AN ESCALATION, YOU A$$HAT!!! Thanks. No, really. And of course, I won't fill out this special online form our company has just for this type of crap, either. (It goes to their supe. <bfeg>) -missourimule
  • "escations" did you mean "Executions"? <Swims to LART Shelter> -renaultguy
  • 220. One more reason to love FireFox...
    This may be old news to some, but I'm posting it for anyone that hasn't seen it yet. It's a version of Firefox built to run on a USB drive. Or, in other words: OMGWTFBBQDOLLARANDTACOMUTHAFUCKINPHONEBOOTHNEWMOUSE!!! http://johnhaller.com/jh/mozilla/portable_firefox/
    [By: linkv]
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  • Used to be you could do that with Opera... 3.6 w/o Java fit on a 3.5" floppy. -Mushroom
  • That's funny. I think RiffRaff had that exact same reaction when he heard about it. Now we just need a version of Thunderbird that will run off od USB. -scooby111
  • i belive there is a portable version of thunderbird on there as well. have a copy on my usb drive -getoffmyphone24
  • I have and use TBird and FF from one of my 1G usb drives. They work great. -srteach
  • http://johnhaller.com/jh/mozilla/portable_thunderbird/ portable thunderbird -getoffmyphone24
  • You know Blindtech is really going to hate you now :) -Armakuni
  • Yup. Routinely run FF and TB from a USB drive, along with NVU for web site editing and Trillian for IMing, throw in a few A/V and FW programs and anti spyware stuff. Works great! -ecoli
  • Yep. Been running FF and TB both of a USB for a while now. I don't need it very often, but when I do, it's the best thing sinc sliced bread. -RiffRaff
  • And, from the same guy, Portable OpenOffice: http://johnhaller.com/jh/useful_stuff/portable_openoffice/ -ThirdOfFive
  • *True* portable Thunderbird, don't even need 'lectricity: http://www.bumwine.com/bumwine/thunderbird.jpg lol, not that I'd prefer it. -missourimule
  • http://toao.net/tsc/omgwtf.mp3 if anyone wants to hear what that sounded like with a text-to-speech reader :) -Mango
  • 221. I forgot! (pt 3 of 3)
    "Is this a joint account, sir?" This is a potential way out. "Nope! It's just my account!" And the pooping baby champion maintains his crown. "Well, then her license won't do you much good. I need to see a photo ID before I can look up your account information." He pulls out his wallet, which of course contains everything except his card and his ID. "Look, look! I got lots of cards, and they all have my name on them!" Awww... your mother must be very proud. I ask, "Are any of them a photo ID?" He comes up with another champion response "Well, I've got my prescription card, and it's got my name on it!" Le sigh. "Sir, that does not have your photo on it. In response, Smartass smiles and holds his card up under his chin, thinking that might do it. I'm no longer in the mood to play around, and I'm tired of being more careful with his money than even he is. "That. Is. Not. What. I. Need. I. Need. To. See. A. Photo. ID. Issued. By. The. Government." Fucktard, have you never heard of identity theft?!? His wife finally whipped out her own card, which she bought the computer with. I don't think I ever examined a signature more carefully in my life!
    [By: linkv]
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  • *throws hands up in the air (in frustration, not a desire to boogie). Why on EARTH would you he go through all that rigmarole if his wife could pay for it the whole damn time!!?!? -modeski
  • Erp, 'scuse the typos, it's not yet 9am and I haven't had a coffee yet. -modeski
  • Sounds like a case of the Mondays to me..<LART deflection shield - ACTIVATE!> -QBC
  • Hope you asked for her ID after that little episode...what a freaking pair of morons, sounds like they deserve each other. -redevil34
  • I'm wondering if perhaps he might not be "hubby." Thinking maybe wifey is screwing around, and tried to get bf's computer under hubby's account... hmmmmmm... could be kind of interesting to sened a copy of the receipt with an "apology" letter to hubby, see what happens <vweg>. -PCRaevyn
  • The smartass bastard shoulda been drowned at birth. -MattN
  • "I'll tell you what, sir. We'll just forgoe the ID. We'll just go out to the back of the store, I'll kick you in the nuts, rob you, teabag you, and we'll call it even. Unless your wife knows how better to help release my anger." -murdermachine
  • Geez! What an a$$! After going thru all that, I'd have charged him double! -rokitt
  • How about I memorize that information and go buy a bunch of stuff the way you're trying to. Would that work for you? -illiterate
  • I was going to beat you with a stick, but I, oh, wait a minute, I didn't forget it. -SFishWrangler
  • Yes, I agree with the guess that he's not hubby. -Loren
  • If this fucktard ISN'T hubby, WTF does she see in him? Is she attracted to total cretins? -lineswine
  • Oooh, good point, Raevyn. They could even be separated or divorced! -TechMama
  • 222. I forgot! (pt 2 of 3)
    "I'm sorry, sir, but for security reasons, I need to see your ID before I pull up your account number." I consider this the last time I should have to explain this. "You don't have to look it up! I know my number!" Fercryingoutloud, I am not charging your computer to a random card number! "Sir, if you do not have your card with you, I must look up your account information before I can charge anything to it. In order to do that, I need your driver's license." Then Smartass gets a half-thought. "Oh, well, she's my wife, and she's got her license with her! I can vouch for her that she's my wife, and she can vouch for me that it's my card." Oh, holy crap, is this guy serious? Has this guy really lived to be 40 and never had to deal with issues of financial privacy?
    [By: linkv]
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    223. I forgot! (pt 1 of 3)
    Like pretty much any major store, RetailComputerStore has its own credit card to help finance large purchases. For the life of me, I can't imagine why someone would walk out of the house, knowing they intend to use this card, and not bring said card with them. Oh, right, because I'm supposed to do their work for them and get their account info. "That's fine, sir, I can look up your account information. For security reasons, I would need a photo ID. Do you have your driver's license?" He grins like a baby winning a pooping championship. "Nope! Left it at the house too!" Oh well, no financing for you. "I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have any other cards you would want to use? We could also take cash." His eyes get big. "No no no... I wanna use THAT CARD. I know the number off the top of my head, I can read it off to you." Oh, wow... THAT'S not suspicious! Can remember a sixteen-digit number, but can't remember his card or license? Cue bullshit police...
    [By: linkv]
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    224. I forgot! (Teaser)
    A Starfish walks into RetailComputerStore some fine day. For this story, I shall name him Smartass, for reasons that will of course become clear. He and his wife pick out a computer, and the sale itself was fairly unremarkable. I got the distinct impression that he figured himself the center of the universe... and he certainly ended up proving me right. I walk him to the register, and ask how he'd like to pay. "I'm gonna use my card, but I didn't bring it." Oh well, let loose the dogs of war...
    [By: linkv]
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    225. I'm too big for training wheels, Mom!
    A good friend of the Love of My Life needed a little help with her website. Her current webmaster had to take a leave of absence, so now she needs help for a few weeks. I say no problem. She e-mails me the access info for the site... that's when I find out... THEY USE FRONTPAGE FOR EVERYTHING!!! Nooo.... Dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into? I've used FP before, but I'll take plain old Notepad anyday, thank you very much. I'm only a temporary guard until the real webmaster returns, so I don't want to mess their stuff up too much. This does mean, however, that I'll need to get FP on my PC... heh, it's almost like I have to say "I really do know how to make web pages, ya know!" *sigh* Oh well... two questions: 1) has anyone here ever felt like this before? and 2) Is there a cheaper way to get a non-pirate version of Frontpage than to get the $90 upgrade?
    [By: linkv]
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  • Ah, FrontPage. Back when I was a noob, I found FP to be an excellent training tool: I learned HTML by studying the source code FP generated, trying to figure out how to fix what FP would screw up. (A favorite trick of FP2000: wrapping hyperlinks to the next line for no reason; FP refuses to place a </A> tag in front of a <BR> tag when in regular 'Edit' mode.) I also learned CSS the same way, then JavaScript (to replace the pseudo-Java effects FP will build)... Then I realized I was writing tighter, more efficient pages faster in Notepad than it took me to create (and correct) pages in FP. I still use FP on rare occasion, when I want to create a table with complex cell placement. >>>>> Anyways... Assuming you have access to the whole site directory via FTP, and you're simply editing the HTML, there's not much you can do to "break" what FrontPage creates. G'head and make changes in Notepad, and FTP 'em in... Just keep the meta tags in place. If you need to change anything that would affect the (buggy, insecure, inefficient) 'Server Extensions' --- say, editing a form --- well, you'll probably wanna use a copy of FP to do it. And when they return, give 'em this link: http://www.insecure.org/sploits/Microsoft.frontpage.insecurities.html and then talk 'em into building a REAL website... Or at least switching to Dreamweaver. -MeanDean
  • Just create it in MS Word, and export to html - much easier than messing around with a dedicated web creator package... (Hey! Who locked the LART shelter door? Lemme in guys, it's getting ugly out here...) -Diptera
  • MeanDean, check the date on that offsite link. It's from 1998. I am pretty sure that MS had plugged the holes mentioned in that article/post. : ) -JoeLugian
  • Joe - yeah, but there are still worse. Especially if it's the latest Unix extensions. I agree, though - find a webhost that supports DAV, and go with Dreamweaver. -namor
  • Oh, yeah, that's the problem... only the webmaster has FTP access, who is unconctactable... :-( -linkv
  • If the webmaster has the FTP password and he's uncontactable, you're sort of screwed. -robbor
  • 226. Workplace Fondling (part 1 of 2)
    Tonight, in the realm of RetailComputerStore, it was way too busy to be a Monday night. To make matters worse, we had two new people on, so my attention was often diverted from my customers to making sure the newbies weren't screwing up too much. One new guy asks me to help him with a PC sale, to make sure the customer gets all the rebates and discounts they are entitled to. ACK! Wow, this was a bad sale for a new guy to try... this customer's discounts would have been seriously messed up had I not stepped in (through no fault of the newbie). I hunch over the register, chin in hand, trying to think of ways to fix the sale.
    [By: linkv]
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  • Get on with the FONDLING!! -Mushroom
  • Yeah where's the Fondling Damn It!!!!! -Armakuni
  • more Fondling!! -ecoli
  • Mmmmmmm...fondling! -ThreeBucks
  • And then the oral sex! -robbor
  • 227. Workplace Fondling (part 2 of 2)
    So, I'm staring at the monitor, juggling different items and prices, when I sense someone behind me. A very slender female hand reaches around me into the register drawer to get the department keys. (Retail is a job that tends to redefine your concept of personal space) This is Sassy, the 19ish girl who works in digital cameras. Fairly easy on the eyes, a hard worker, and pleasant to talk to. I like working with Sassy. She kids around about me babysitting the new guy, and steps back. The girl is rather charming, which might mean something if I weren't happily involved with the love of my life. Anyway, I go back to working, when suddenly, I feel a thumb and forefinger on my left butt cheek. I raise my eyebrows and try to keep cool... and then I feel a strong grip reaching dangerously close to my exhaust valve. I'm stunned... I desperately wonder if the customer sees this happening, and I try to formulate a way to talk with Sassy about the company's sexual harassment policy and inapproptiate workplace contact. It's not something I look forward to, because I like Sassy... and damn, but I'm still a guy and can't help but be flattered. I turn around to wave her off... and notice that it's not Sassy. I've just been goosed by a five-year-old boy! AAAHAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
    [By: linkv]
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  • KANCHO!!!! http://outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html Explaination here, but it's so nice to see international trends in children's behavior... -GargoyleTS
  • HONK -redevil34
  • Kancho! http://outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher68.html Game on!! -Mushroom
  • OMG, Gargoyle, that's scary -- we both referenced the same set of stories. Muahahaahah!! -Mushroom
  • For some reason that also brings to mind something from a Gene Wilder (or was that Leslie Nielsen?) movie: to the guy, "take your hand out of my groin" - to the girl, "put your hand in my groin." -Mushroom
  • Not to detract from a great story, and in no way a reflection on individual (please don't make me run), but does anyone remember about reverse posting... (sorry, angry night going on). -AngrySup
  • ? -linkv
  • That's pretty cool Mushy! If you haven;t checked the site out, it is fairly SFW, mostly the odd content from it being a Westerners experiences in a foreign country. The guy has some writing ability and the stories are damned funny! If your work place would balk at someone talking about groin-grabbing and butt-poking, don't bother clicking. -GargoyleTS
  • 8) Bu..bu...bu just tell her not in front of the customers... don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Got a pic of her ;) -Armakuni
  • Eew! Eew! Eew! Just too Mickael Jackson for me! -ecoli
  • Do you like movies about gladiators? LOL! -MattN
  • Hey, lil' boy, ya wanna make a movie? -vacuumtubes
  • Hey it could have been worse, he could have yanked yer pants down right there in the store. My sisters son did that to her at Sears once. just yanked her pants down, and no she was not wearing underware. -THETECHFROMHELL
  • Were you wearing your 'grab here' shorts again? -TieDyedDinosaur
  • So there was no oral sex then? -robbor
  • http://www.saskschools.ca/~gregory/animals/cg/cg.wav - audio file, SFW -redevil34
  • Have you ever been to a Turkish prison? -burrkiss
  • MUAHAHAHAHA...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!... <Someone pinches his sheet from behind> ...HAHAH...!! Whatha... Who did that??!! -TheGhost
  • 228. Linkv's Classic Account Notes #1
    Customer calls in. Has recently gotten married and has requested account name change form. Is also expecting a child, wanted more information on parental control software. I suspect these two events may be related.
    [By: linkv]
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  • keerist, that planning ahead, what is he worried the baybee will pop out and start using Kazaa or summat? -Jax
  • Maybe his new wife is a minor? -torch
  • Maybe there are children accompanying the wife. -TieDyedDinosaur
  • I suspect that there was a 12-gauge firearm in attendance at the wedding. -Answerboy
  • So they are from Utah? -MaskedMarauder
  • Actually, if the customer wanted an acct name form, I suspect it might be the wife calling, if her acct name had her maiden name and she wanted to change that. -kman52000
  • maybe he is the "wife" lol. and the child they are expecting will be adopted, and closer to the age where they might actually have a use for Parental Controls. -ttech
  • Maybe they are not related and the child is from someone else and he/she hasn't fessed up yet! -govtech
  • Or, maybe, the spouse already has a kid that's old enough to use a computer? -ThirdOfFive
  • You guys think too far. It is rather simple, really. Wife wants to block the pr0n from the husband. -jhuang
  • Opps, I meant "Wife wants to prevent the husband from getting his internet pr0n." -jhuang
  • personal experience jhuang? *outta the way dammit need to get in the lart shelter* -momo
  • You are exactly right, jhuang. PARENTAL control, not child control. -Voltage
  • 229. Linkv's Classic Account Notes #2
    Modem is having very erratic connection. Dropping packets constantly, then seems to correct itself. Problem traced to bite marks on coax cable near wall. Customer blames cat. Cat claims he is innocent.
    [By: linkv]
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  • "Free the Feline one" <chants over and over> -Jax
  • I`ve never tried it myself but there MUST be something delicious about coax cables and power supplies, millions of hampsters, rabbits and cats can`t be wrong! <looks hungrily at phone cord> -Datura
  • Its the rubber. It feels "good" to them because its as close to a toothbrush as they have. -MaskedMarauder
  • Nah, I blame it fully on the starfish. That, or they aren't teeth marks, but marks fom a vamp tap the cats got set up for his use at night... -DS615
  • yeah, the customer was chewing on the cable. next time, let them know the big one that is connected to his circuit breaker tastes better -razmann
  • Rule #1: The customer always lies. Rule #1c: The cat always lies. -DocMax
  • Someone once told me that lead tastes sweet and is the reason the starfishies eat paint chips. True? -mellowfellow
  • http://www.stuffonmycat.com -MadJack
  • 230. AOL does wonders
    This ended up being absolutely stupifying, a case where starfish just don't get how important this "communication" thing is. I was talking to a nice lady about a laptop she was interested in buying. The display was a table that had two laptops on it, behind which was an Intel poster, and in between the laptops was a stack of AOL CDs. I'm having a perfectly normal conversation with a perfectly normal customer, when I notice a big, meaty arm sliding across the laptops. A chunky, middle-aged man is grabbing at the AOL CDs with like a toddler at the cookie jar. He realizes we're standing there, watching him (since he just threw half his body across the table) and asks "Is this what I gotta read?" Huh? What? I've never seen this guy before, and he's asking me for reading material? WTF^2. I consider referring him to Barnes & Noble down the street, but instead act like I'm not freaked out. "Um, those are AOL CDs, Sir." This means nothing to him "Is this what I gotta read, for da Verizon?" Whhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaattttt.... the hell? "The wireless." I'm just going to take a shot in the dark here. "Well, sir, if you're looking for info on the Verizon Aircard, you'd have to check with Verizon on that. Those are AOL CDs, and wouldn't provide you with any information on Verizon services." Geez, people, when you're talking, words come in handy!
    [By: linkv]
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    Comments

  • Sounds like him and AOL are meant for each other. Dumb and dumber. -robbor
  • He'll be back. "Hey, youse tol me dat dis wood fix my prob-em. I can't get no innernet. An I wanna new mmmmmooooouuuuusssseeee!" (sorry blind tech) -ecoli
  • Me grock AOl cds real good!!! -SFishWrangler
  • Ugg strong like rock...smart like tree...can pick up dumb truck but can't spell it...*off to Lart shelter post haste* -WraithDarkRose
  • 231. OEM Poll
    Okay, just for fun, I'd like to take a poll. If you had to own a Windows machine and had to use a pre-built PC, what brands would you feel most comfortable with, and what would you feel least comfortable with? Qualifiers: Make comparisons based only on what the company does today, not what they were like years ago. And "Apple" is not a valid answer. I'll start us off...
    [By: linkv]
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  • Most preferred: Sony or HP (depending on desired use). Least Preferred: Gateway. -linkv
  • For desktop machines, it's a tossup -- Sony seems to be the most solid but the hardware is quirky, IBM (Lenovo) was good if uninspired but is now unproven, so with the exception of Gateway / eMachines, I'd say they're all about the same. Agree with linkv that Gateway is garbage. For laptops: if Windows, where hardware quirks are not a problem (as all laptops are quirky), Sony. For Linux, I most recently bought Acer. -chazz
  • for desktops my local whiteboxer is pretty good on RMAing faulty stuff so gotta vote for Novatech in the UK. Laptops, Sony seem alright, personally I own a rebadged mitac AMD64 unit, good build quality, a little loud but hey ho. -fearmyroot
  • Our place has been on Dells for ages and they're actually pretty good.... -Westgate
  • I've never had the slightest interest in buying a pre-built pc, so I've never really looked at what's available from whom, but I've always liked the look (and the reports I've heard) of the various AlienWare boxes. bit pricy, though! -Shaede
  • Can't really comment on least preferred as we've been using Dell's for the last 5 years. Generally they're pretty good though we've had quite a few HDD disk drive (just call me Judy Patch) failures. Well, about 20 failures out of 400 machines in 18 months. -Criptonite
  • Cryptonite- We had a similar problem about 6 months back, apparently it was down to a duff batch of Maxtor drives, seem to be ok now. -Westgate
  • I have rarely had a problem with dells either laptoppie or tower. After seeing the travails a few of my friends had suffered I would never purchase and alineware. -knothere
  • Most comfortable: Alienware. Least comfortable: Acer. -ShiftedBeef
  • As I've remarked before, my vote would go to a smallish (but beautifully formed!) UK OEM called Epic. They've served me VERY well for the last eight years, their quality's good and their service is excellent. They're now doing laptops too. -Gromit
  • Dell...All the way. Say what you want, but I have over 300 laptops, desktops and servers that I look after and ALL have served me well.... -JoeLugian
  • Dell, as long as it doesn't have a Maxtor hdd in it. -Wolffarmer
  • MOst preferred: Dell. Least preferred: Goatway... -PTSTech
  • my cousin and 2 uncles all have dell's, and they seem to work pretty well. i myself am considering getting a dell laptop -razmann
  • Personally, I would build mine from scratch. If I wanted a good laptop, I would seriously like to try a fragbook from Falcon-nw.com. I drool every time I go to the website. -Jamm
  • I'm another build-it-myself type, although Dells are in heavy use at both current and former workplaces, plus both brother and father have them. Really surprised at how far down Gateway has sunk, they still are in heavy use at former workplace and used to be really solid machines. Also, unless Gateway has changed their internal processes they and Dell are the only two OEMs that I'm aware of that package actual Windows install CDs with their machines, as opposed to image-restore partitions or "QuickRestore" CDs, etc. (They are branded installed CDs, but still installation CDs (+ driver and application CDs) nonetheless.) -BayouTech
  • Gotta follow the crowd on this one: Dell. Never had any major gripes with the machines I've actually used (on my second ancient box that's STILL working just fine, thank you), and why not stick with something you know best how to gut and rebuild? -MadJack
  • Actually, with the newer dells (and i believe gateway has gone to this too) now has an image of the system on the computer. i /think/ they still send most of the cds, but if you want a copy of the OS cd, you have to pay $10 for it. stupid IMO, but doesn't matter to me. i have bout 4 copies of the disk and a volume license anyways. -laust
  • Dell for towers, IBM/Lenovo for laptops -CTYankee
  • If I can't choose the company I work for (we do have some preset packages) then I'd choose Dell. -OgdenTechGuy
  • Most preferred - Dell, Least preferred - eMachines/Gateway -Torinir
  • dell-mine came with restore cds with all the software that was loaded at factory. -postal tech
  • good- Dell better- HP best- Sony bad- acer worse- alienware worst- gateway -HappyCrappy
  • Desktop: Dell. Laptop: Toshiba. -RiffRaff
  • You couldn't give me another dell desktop. Their laptops are ok, but I like Sony or HP better. Just add the words "to hell" when talking about gateway. and you better run if you even think about putting an emachine near me. -unrunt
  • I'll never buy a Dell again, due to an experience I had with them last year. Though I'd still buy one of them before a Gateway. -JTSBrown
  • For either Desktop or Laptop: WidowPC -ThreeBucks
  • Desktop: Dell. I've used them at work for years and I'm never disappointed with them. Laptop: Either Dell or Toshiba. I like the Dells, but never used one. I have a very old Toshiba and its still running like a champ. -CelticSkyhawk
  • Currently have 2 dells at home. Way over powered gaming desktop and laptop for work. First OEM computers I have purchased in well over 10 years as I have always built my own. I am extremely happy with both. -BeaMeUpScotty
  • Well, on a budget I'd go with a Dell. Only one of the Dells at my school has ever had hardware problems, and those were my co-tech's fault. (Ever try to hotswap a video card? On a standard motherboard with absolutely no hotswap compatability? That's what some of my friends told me happened. I jokingly asked my co-tech, and he quickly corrected me. He was hot-swapping a sound card. He said that it was a Starfish-like thing to do, but insisted the motherboard should not have released magic smoke.) -linuxmatt
  • If I had tons of money, I'd go with an Alienware. Have heard nothing but good thins about them. -linuxmatt
  • Falcon Northwest for obvious reasons. -BayAreaTech
  • Addendum: Alienware seems to be overpriced for its performance level; if I was looking for performance I'd go Falcon Northwest myself. I currently avoid Toshiba laptops because of reports of battery explosions; if it weren't for that, I would rate them much higher than Sony. -chazz
  • my acer laptop rocks, so does my husbands. i dual boot win and linux (only need one app in windows, so rarely in there), and hubby dual boots freebsd and linux.....as for desktops, i dont trust anything i havent built. -timelady
  • I don't know what or why, yet I have always have a good experience with any computer I come into contact with. Dell, HP, Sony, Gateway, E-machine, Compaq, Acer, Alienware. Even with the oldest models. PS2, Tandy, Comadore 64, and the 128. Yet with others, I don’t know why they get a bad machine. Maybe cause they are really an evil person that deserves such treatment. Or maybe it was just bad luck, or that since a computer company manufacturing produces thousands and thousands of the one you bought. Some how you just got a bad one. (TIP) go to each of their websites, take the painful trip to find their warranty and then compare them all. Some might be more neat and orderly. Yet you will notice most of them are the same….WTF….. -JackMackle
  • My first choice would be sony, simply because I never see them brought in here for service. That tells me they are doing something right. A close second would be Dell WITH THIS QUALIFIER : it has to be in the business class. Dell sells loads of cheap crap through thier outlets and Best Try, and these are the units people have problems with. They sell a lot of these units to folks who only buy on price. These are the same people who don't really know what they are buying and these units are slapped together, corners cut anywhere you can (like putting 128 Mb in an XP machine with onboard video. the shared video memory drops it to under the minimum system requirements...and they don't expect to have problems???), and the widspred distribution of these kind of boxes are what's giving Dell such a bad name. My least preferabl is always Emachine...or something from the Home Shopping Network.... -Mathias
  • DELL- the only computer 'authorized' by my university -axjdo
  • Toshiba laptops as of late have had problems with the screens going dim after a year of use (FL-Inverter issue). I would avoid them for now. -Jamm
  • Dells are wonderful! If a) you enjoy supporting a company that lies in their ads about where tech support is, b) avoid their cheap crap (which the crap is offended being compared to the cheap Dells), c) want to support a company that has been systematically destroying the home / small business computer market for anyone else, d) want IntelOnly, and e) enjoy spyware with your systems preinstalled - see http://support.dell.com/support/topics/global.aspx/support/kb/en/document?dn=1091919&c=us&l=en&cs=19&s=dhs and http://forum.us.dell.com/supportforums/board/message?board.id=si_virus&message.id=40403&view=by_date_ascending&page=3 for more info. -ralphp1024
  • Our company supports several notebook manufacturers, and I would say that some of the most stable notebooks I've seen come from Powernotebooks.com. Sure, WidowPC (which we supported for all of two weeks) makes some incredibly powerful systems, but in the two weeks we supported them, we had more RMAs than our other two companies combined. Once they've had a little more time to get everything together, I think they'll be a great company, but I wouldn't buy from them right now. Worst computers: Dell (because their newer sys