Tech Stories

1. drown that phone One of the higher ups in our Division got a shiny new Treo 600 recently. Over the weekend she put it on her desk at home, then without paying attention put a flower pot on top of it and watered the plants, therewith getting the Treo all water-logged. Needless to say, it doesn't work anymore. I don't think I got the story entirely straight (sleep deprivation will do that to you), but from what the users' executive administrative assitant told me, that is the best I could make out of it. At any rate, the user has made it clear that she will not wait three weeks for it to get repaired and wants a working Treo by the end of this week. Gack! [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments That demand is always answered with "Give me your charge code and it will be on your desk by thursday." When the argument "Im not paying for it!" comes the "well, we here at IT did not water it." remark can then be given with out fear. -TeamWolfguard I would be happy to toss them through the Transdimensional Warp Gate (it can be used for things other than sending Karma) and push them through to the future a few weeks so that they don't have to wait (I hope I get those settings right - the last guy wound up somewhere in the Paleozoic era). This has the added benefit of freeing you from the annoying drone for a while. -ecoli Tell them they can either get it fixed, or have it when they want it, not both. If they demand it by the end of the week, give it to them. Leave it in a complimentary bucket of water on her desk, if need be. Common, it'll be fun! -crackshot I cannae change the laws of physics, Captain! -RiffRaff ecoli, if you were somehow responsible for the Paleozoic starfish bloom, you're going to have a lot to answer for... -teivrann Well you told me in person about the amt of asskissing your boss is giving the Treo lady. I'm not surprised. -Bluetech Fast, cheap, good. Pick two. -thx1138

2. email won't go out Had SF call in yesterday complaining about messages stuck in her Outbox in Outlook and Outlook acting all sluggish. After TSing for a while she mentions that the message she is trying to send has a 180 MB (yes one hundred eighty MegaByte) MS Publisher attachment, and she acted all surprised when I told her that that might have something to do with the problem. The really sad part is that she was trying to email this file to another user who has access to the same shares on the same file server that she has. When I suggested that she put the file on the server and email SF#2 a note saying where she put the file she started neeping how SF#2 insisted that she email him the file. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Which is worse... the one that asked that it be emailed, or the one that refuses to see reason and doesn't want to do the REASONABLE thing, and instead must do what the other said they should do? -EagleEye They were both bad in that neither would recognize that emailing an 180 MB attachment is not an appropriate thing to do and would cause problems. -ltu1542hvy We just tell 'em can't be done (we have a 10MB limit on attachments), put it on the group share. And we still get huge spreadsheets e-mailed back and forth all the time. Had to get the e-mail admin to move some messages with large attachments onto a network drive for someone because he couldn't synch his offline folders (read that "couldn't" as didn't want to wait on dialup). -sassicatz you want fun? Wait till someone tries to e-mail a 2 gig CAD drawing as an atachment. "Why is everything so slow?" Gee... i wonder... -TeamWolfguard ZI've never in my life seen a 2 gig CAD file... what on earth could possibly require that much space? The MOST I've ever seen / used is about 5 MB - and that was a complete project in one file IIRC. (And I chewed out the guy that drew it that way; he had the fastest computer in the office, and his was "sarting to slow down" ... I tried opening it on mine, and it slowed to a crawl, and stayed there the 5 minutes it took to load and regenerate the drawing.) -Shevaresh Complete unigraphics drawing of our newest medical analizer. Off-shore oil drilling rig and supertanker drawings when i worked at Kaverner. -TeamWolfguard heck... most of the CAD machines here are running XP with the 3Gig switch. -TeamWolfguard Anyone ever seen what a 300 MB summation database will do to a print queue? -redevil34 This is exactly why I pushed for email size limits (which were implemented) for my employer's email system. If you want to mail any message over five megs, the email system will refuse to send it - it has to be OKed with the IT department first. The system will also flag mails to more than about 20 recipients and pop up a warning box. And yet some of the executives still have mailbox files topping three gig... -Geminii Somebody once asked "what is the fastest way send a 180 Mb file?" Answer: Fedex. -robbor "You should never ignore the bandwidth represented by a lorry full of disks on the M6." (If they're DVDs on a 24 hour trip then it's about 600 Giga-bits/second. Interestingly enough, first class post is comparable to ADSL) -rurwin

3. presumptuous bitch Earlier this summer I was dating a woman for a couple of months. It was sort of a lackluster relationship and after it became clear that it wasn't going anywhere, I called her one day to see if she wanted to do dinner and she told me she didn't want to see me anymore. Fine, since the relationship really wasn't going anywhere I could accept that and we went our seperate ways. Today, after not hearing from her since then, she called me and left a voice mail. I went to check it a few hours after she left it and instead of a "I miss you" or anything like that, she told me that her computer would no longer boot and she wants me to call her back to tell her how to fix it. WTF?!!?? She dumps me, doesn't call or email for a month or so, and then expects me to TS her computer?? Obviously I'm not going to fix her oow Dell for her, but this is too good an opportunity to let slip by. If anybody feels like sharpening their LARTing or BoFH skills, write me on my whiteboard and I'll give you contact info. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments how many times do we have to give warnings about dating SF... THIS is why people!!!!!! -wolfprince Fix the computer...with a REALLY big magnet. Keep her off the net! -Bobsentme one word fdsik! -Servo double your normal ts rate, and add the ex-girlfriend tax on top of it. :) -Bynar Rent yourself a hot escort, have her pretend to be the new girlfriend, and have her tag along with you. Charge the ex the same amount the escort is charging you. -torgo I like torgo's idea. Just make SURE you get the CASH up front. -burrkiss Since she is your ex, double normal TS rates apply, 2 hour minimum plus parts and travel time. Bringing along a hot looking girl to do the support would really mess with her. Or you can just ignore the call which may be the easiest thing and a LART at the same time. -Starfury Honestly, I'd act all interested in her again... say I'm really glad you called me, etc, etc... turn a night of tech support in to a night of hot passionate "I'm acting like I care but I really WON'T call you tomorrow" sex. :) -EagleEye I agree -- call her back, tell her you would be glad to fix it for her, and quote your rates -- don't forget to include stupidity tax, ex-gf tax, mileage, Sunday rates, and any other possible jacking up of your rates. IF she agrees, then make sure to get paid up front -- cash, no checks. (Checks can be cancelled, but cash is always good.) -Captain Trips

4. I want a neeeewww mooouuuuuuuuse http://www.pat-says-now.com/privatkunden.php?from=/index.php [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments I love the one named body -mikeatnight Is that a starfish inside the Liquidmouse? -Treker I love the one named body -mikeatnight A mouse that's a cat... that's just wrong. It'll end up with all sorts of personality problems. -rurwin Mikeatnite? I think we got it the first time. <runs fast to lart shelter> -Rabbitt Is there one that's Grail shaped? -robbor oooooo... gotta get a Duck Mouse.... -duckhead looks like DracoSuave should have the pirate mouse. <joins rabbitt in the lart shelter> -wolfprince

5. Custom smells Check out this story on cnn, in particular the section about applications of this technology for computer help desks: http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/europe/06/27/britain.smells.reut/index.html Shouldn't it be the other way around, where it gets used as a LARTing technique? [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments I want that installed with nerve gas for the starfishies. -MGNLucifer Just wait. Eventually Hollywood and a theater chain will coordinate efforts and you will have REAL smell-o-vision movies. -virtualchoirboy There is a theme ride in California (I think the place is called California Adventure) that uses this technology along with a video screen and moving seats. It's probably one of the coolest rides I've been on. -CelticSkyhawk virtual they already do Michael moore-on movies smell like bovine excrement. I like how the media spins it "highest grossing" yeah they take the 5 day totals. If I made a similar movie i wonder if i can get the media to spin " HIGHEST GROSSING IN CREATIVE REASONING EVER!" even if it made 1,000 dollars -SGTARKyTEK "T-Rex breath turned out so accurate and so revolting, the curators instead opted for a milder swamp smell to evoke the creature's natural habitat." - How do they know it was accurate? Were they there smelling T-Rex's breath? -Bynar SGT, it's not a spin. Farenheit 9/11 took in more money in one weekend than any other documentary did. No other documentary has ever grossed $21.8 million in one weekend. How can reporting the truth be a spin? Isn't it funny how when a "Conservative" doesn't like something the media reports, they say it's because the media is "liberal", yet "Liberals", when they don't like what they see on the news, will accuse the same media as being "conservative"? -Jenzkind Is it a documentary or a 112 minute op-ed piece whose primary aim is to generate some income for the author/director? -virtualchoirboy Not to start a political flame war here. Like it or not, it is a documentarty. Not to start a political flame war here. Like it or not, it is a documentary. He’s documenting the Bush presidency. Not fully and not being fair, but documented. It’s also an hour and a half long political commercial for the democrats. Duh. Michael Moore is a known ultra left-wing liberal. It is the highest grossing documentary ever. Fine, but I don’t expect it to keep rolling in the money. The only people going to see it are other rabid liberals and current Bush-haters. I doubt many of them will have the stomach to sit through it twice. The media, as a whole is left-wing. Duh. Most of them are now liberal-arts majors. How many conservative liberal-arts majors have you known in your life? Do they spin the news to reflect what they think and to try and shape your opinion? Of course they do. It’s human nature to try and convince someone else to share your perception. The days of neutral reporting have gone. The media is no longer content to report the news; they want to be a part of it. Stations like Fox news were founded on the idea that journalism should get back to its neutral roots and not spin anything, but they’ve failed. They seem very conservative compared to CNN and others. Fox has also ruined it’s credibility by having a lot of conservative-leaning op-ed programs on. -scooby111 To be honest, in the end, I don't really care why he made the movie or whether or not it does well. I just think people should realize that it is one man's opinion and you might or might not agree with it. I live in a "free" country and he has every right to say what he wants to say. Of course, I also have every right to agree or disagree as I see fit. -virtualchoirboy Scoob, while I truly respect you and the stories you post here, and think you're a heck of a tech...I do not agree with your statement that the media is left-wing. Goes back to my comment above. If you're right-wing and don't like what the media has to say, you will call the media "left" or "liberal". But, if you're left-wing and don't like what the media has to say, you will call the media "right-wing" or conservative. I do not trust the mainstream media (like Fox news, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, etc.) to tell me the full story. I frequent other independent news sources and know that many, many stories are not published in the mainstream that should be (and there are examples of things both left and right wing)! As far as Farenheit 9/11 goes, it's not going to change anyone's minds. If you're left, you'll love it. If you're right, it will reinforce your belief that Michael Moore is a dirty rotten liberal. It's just like preaching to the choir. My point is....there are always 3 sides to every news story...the left, the right, and what really happened. -Jenzkind getting back to smell... I went to Epcott Center back in the late eighties. A lot of the rides had smell incorporated into them and I remember that as being one of the coolest things about them. -Hellion Jenzkind - You're absolutely right. I was referring to the traditional big media anchormen. Ted Koppel, Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and others of their ilk have regularly slanted things to try and convince you of their way of thinking. CNN used to be much worse before the advent of Fox news. Fox News is certainly not left-leaning. You can also look at newspapers like the New-York times that ran a headline “PANEL FINDS NO QAEDA-IRAQ TIE”. That was patently false. The panel did find a tie, just no evidence that Iraq had anything to do with 9/11. It was never the point anyway. The Bush administration never mentioned an Iraq/Al-Qaeda link in relation to 9/11. Yet the times and many other newspapers seemed to have an interest in hurting the Bush administration. There are many more examples that I can cite. You’re absolutely right that you need to listen to many different sources for your news, but you should also seek out opposing views and make up your own mind. -scooby111 Definition of DOCUMENTARY from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: 2: of, relating to, or employing documentation in literature or art; broadly : FACTUAL, OBJECTIVE [a documentary film of the war]. I think the word FACTUAL, nevermind OBJECTIVE eliminates any chance of Farenheit 9/11 (or Bowling for Columbine) from being called a documentary. -redevil34 Makes scents... -Calcul8r Hey, do you have an ETA on arriving in Indy tomorrow? Thanks! -RiffRaff

6. What's that beeping noise? We have one office in our University that uses a server with financial software to get their work done, and for reasons more political they are keeping their server in their office instead of in the server room in our office, which makes me cringe every time I think about it. One of the people in that office is Mrs. SF, whom we have told time and again not to install patches or updates or anything else on that server, and who still does. This morning Mrs. SF called me and said "That box next to our server was beeping, so I turned it off. What should I do?" That box is a UPS, and I asked her "Well, did your server go tumbling down once you turned it off?" She said "Well, yes." I then told her to turn "that box" back on and don't touch it until we can order a replacement. I know that that UPS beeping will drive them nuts, and I'm now checking various on-line vendors to see who will take longest to deliver a new UPS. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments And use the cheapest shipping offered. -Wolffarmer This sounds like a variation of a place I used to work. The dept. servers were all kept in that dept... along with a UPS. Pay day comes round and the accounts server goes off-line, turns out on of their numpties had been moving boxes and discovered the plug for the ups was stopping them using a bit of shelf space... so they unplugged it. When we arrived everyone was hunting for the loud mobile phone that had just stopped beeping..... ohhh dear. -fearmyroot you should contact the company, and see if they can delay shipment if you "kicked" in some extra fees for the company -duckhead What I don't understand is WHY does this moron have access to the server? From an admin view she shouldn't be able to even log on to that machine. If she did need to log on, her account should be so restricted that she could only do the function required. -Starfury One of these days, they'll crash it well and truly. Then maybe you can use that as leverage to move the server to the secure area. In a couple of cases we've had (no longer) servers in an area where anyone could do anything, but at least our starfish were smart enough to leave them alone. -sassicatz As much as I hate it, the SF user has admin access to that server and the server is in the departments' office for purely political reasons. Trust me, I will sue this incident, along with a few others, to repeat my case to move it to our server room. -ltu1542hvy And, the people in your administration are allowing this woman access to the server because... ? -Warrick They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance. -scooby111 The people in my administration are allowing this access because the woman who runs that department has friends and contacts in very high places which lets her get away with edicts and decrees that override procedure and common sense. I hate it, but there's not much I can do about it. Dammit Jim, I'm a tech, not a politician! -ltu1542hvy

7. Thanks for the Karma Thank you all for sending that warehouse full of karma last week for the interview I had on Friday. They will make a final hiring decision in July, but the interview went so well that I have a gut feeling that the job will be mine. If anybody needs some spare karma, please let me know. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments I'll keep my fingers crossed for you from 5-9pm (can't type at work with 'em crossed)! -Tekkie *sacrifices a chicken* -Jerbear <Throws a few more diced up starfish on the Karma Bonfire> Can't be too stingy with this stuff. Got lots of starfish, so may as well put them to good use! <sends the resulting Karma out to all the TSC members, just to be sure> -SwedishChef I could use some I went in for an interview on friday and I find out sometime this week if I get thew job or not... -Goofy ALso Good luck to you. sounds as though you don't need luck you just need to know when you start. -Goofy Good Luck to you, Goofy. I'll definitely send some Karma your way in hopes that you get your job. -ltu1542hvy Thou has earned all my spare Karma coins, mushrooms, leafs and flowers. -Dangermouse Crossing eyes as vestigial wings can't reach. -K1W1 I'd sacrifice something for you, but last time I tried security escorted me from the building, and then I was linched by the cleaners. -pmillipede

8. job interview tomorrow Tomorrow at 1:00 I have a job interview for a position in the Server Farm team at the University where I currently work. It will involve lot cooler machines (including a multi node NetWare 6 cluster with 2 TB SAN), a lot more responisibility, and a lot more pay (possibly $10,000+ more per year than I currently make). And my users will be other admins around campus who hopefully won't be SF on the same level as the end users I currently support. Hopefully this job will be mine in the not too distant future. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments "Barrel o' Karma" on it's way to you dude. As for no "Starfish Admins"? I wouldn't bet on it... -lineswine I'm tossing starfish on the bank of The River Karma just as fast as I can! Mind if I eat a salmon or two while I'm here in this ice cold Alaskan river? -CyBear One set of positive vibes headed your way. -Dragones Good thoughts headed your way! -Tekkie I wouldn't bet on the admins being smarter than starfish though... we have plenty of stories where fellow techs, fellow admins can't do their job properly. -WildKard <Whips out ye old Cleavers of Karma, slices and dices several dozen starfish and stokes ye old Karma Bonfire to never-before-seen levels> Ve be zending you ze Gooden Lucken! -SwedishChef Take my karma, please! :) -snowcrash Can I get a Wooo Wooo?!!?? - Bubb Rubb -EggShen I'll keep everything crossed for you! (seemed like it helped some huh 'crash :-) -BritishBunny <fires up the George Foreman Starfish Grill> It'll be just a minute... -hkypipe BTW, hope you gig the gig, and that your boss lacks sharpened follicles... -hkypipe Hmmm, what kind of karma can an android send...? Whatever it is you got loads of it from me. -CommanderData Judging from the people interested in buying our house, I have extra karma and it's off in your direction :) -Mango

9. Feeling evil today A short while ago I sucessfully managed to talk my boss, who has a Master's degree in computer science, into installing Hotbar and Bonzi Buddy onto his computer. Mmmmmwwwaaaahhahahahahaha. Hahahahaha. heeeeehehehe. Mmmmwwwwaaahahahahahahahahah!!!! [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments That's just *PURE EVIL*! <BFEG> -CTYankee Of course, you realize, he's going to come complaining to you when his system starts doing funky things. I suppose you could probably fake a "I have no idea, those programs are Microsoft certified" - but this is tempting fate *grin* -teivrann NIIIIICCCCCEEE! -Bobsentme If I was drinking Pepsi right now, I'd be wiping it off the monitor! LOL!! That is abso-farkin-lutely priceless! -soccerdude now all you need is weather bug and comet cursor... and gator. You are going to hell. Then again, so am I -crackshot Masters in computer science? Sounds like somebody lied on their resume. -scooby111 ROTFLMAO at this one. GOod work:) -THETECHFROMHELL Sad to say, I know programmers (one a close friend) who don't want to know about the hardware, and just want to be left to code. No acccounting for taste, I guess. -CTYankee Simon would be proud of you! -lineswine

10. Public Domain has been bought It's official, Duke University as bought the Public Domain for 2.2 Trillion Dollars. Read all about it on ibiblio! http://www.ibiblio.org [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments I'm guessing not by Dr. Evil *grin* -teivrann Woot! -DracoSuave Notice I had to pay Duke to use that phrase. -DracoSuave Duke sucks! </fark> -chazz I couldn't agree with you more, Chazz -ltu1542hvy First of all, let's remember what today is. Given that, the joke is in assuming ANY university has "trillions" of dollars available. (If they did, they could use it better than buying the world, now couldn't they?) -Captain Trips

11. Luser (lack of) logic Received an email from the "Information and Technology Coordinator," or whatever his title is, from the Housing department, asking me to burn a rather large TIFF file onto a CD (a legitimate request for us, since nobody in that building has a burner) and to check out the Director's CD drive since it is defective. I burn the file to a CD and walk over to that building. I get to the director's machine, insert the CD that I burned into his CD drive and it works just fine. Sure, the file takes a minute or two to load, but that is expected with a 90MB TIFF image. Then I go to see the "Information and Technology Coordinator" and give him the CD and told him that the director's CD drive is fine and ask him what the problem was and why he thought it was defective. He told me that he emailed the director a zip file containing the TIFF earlier today and the director wasn't able to open it from his email. WTF? I asked him why he thought that not being able to open a file from within an emailed zip file would make him think that the CD-ROM drive is bad, and he said that the last time he had a problem with an emailed zip file that the problem ended up being with the CD drive. How he made the leap from a problem opening an emailed zip file to a defective CD drive is still beyond me. I think I'll go drink heavily this evening. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments I wonder if this is the same customer that leonine had on Saturday. The one who's wireless connection was affected by channel 11 on the TV. WTF is wrong with people! -Tekkie Coyote-Bait Cable (basic) in Houston, TX ; One of the local TV channels leaks into cable Chn 71, and if it gets bad enough, the Connection goes down - unable to get Cable Techs to fix problem, "Signal measurement is fine, must be inside your house" -satanstech

12. High priority printer User calls up and neeps about their printer not printing and goes on and on about how they have all of this important stuff that needs to be printed. I go into the printer queue and notice that there are 25 jobs piled up - the oldest one submitted on February 19th. If the printer is that farking important, then why wait nearly a month before calling if you're having a problem with it? I can fix that problem in less than 5 minutes! [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Same as when their notebook has been down for three months now, and they are tired of working on it. The first call was yesterday, at 11 pm. -jard <Devil's Advocate> I have seen on some network printers, where they somehow try to start printing a job that was printed months previous. That may have happened here. </DA> -kman52000 Had a call today, our printers are shafted, we can't print. All 3 of them. Did they all go at once? No. So why did you wait until all 3 are farked before calling? -paranoidepiphan Well, if I have all 3 printers fixed at the same time, I get a bulk discount. -robbor

13. I wonder why these emails keep bouncing One of my more braindead starfish emailed me this morning saying that too many of her emails keep bouncing. I didn't even try to call her and instead went straight to her office to see what was going on. To make a long story short, for the messages that kept bouncing, she typed in addresses in the format "mailto:name@domain.edu" in the To: line. I told her to make sure that the email address does not start off with mailto:, and if it does, then just delete that part and it should work. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments well instead of loading my email client if i want to send a quick email i'll do start->run->mailto:whoever@wherever.com but that's giving the starfish too much credit -DedSysOp

14. Polluted machine I had a user whose machine I cleaned up from pop-up hell a few weeks ago complain again today that she had so many popups that she can't get any work done. She was insisting up and down that she was careful when surfing and that she didn't click on anything that would put adware on her computer. Yeah right! See the following about what all Ad-aware found. http://www.unc.edu/~geschwin/Lotsojunk2.jpg After I ran Ad-aware I ran Spybot which found another 30-some items and I did a full scan of Norton Anti-Virus, which found all kinds of trojan droppers. I am right now working on a way to run Spybot automatically, unattended and unobtrusively over the network, and this looks like a perfect guinea-pig candidate. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Thanks for the new Windows background ;) Now I have proof that it *could* be worse. -PromotedByDflt Nice! -Bobsentme Yep. Refer to rule #1. -scooby111 Hrm... I think I've seen 1000, but don't have any screen shots to prove it. -garwain Why don't any of the links work? -LaserGuru Like- I click on Log File and nothing happens, like, you know? -LaserGuru Nice. -Warrick You can set ad-aware to run when you boot the computer. -AngelicTech Y'know, we have child endangerment laws here in the states. Maybe we should have computer endangerment laws as well for people like this. -RiffRaff You think 600's a lot? I've seen wel beyond a thousand, and I'm fairly certain I've seen 5 digits. I just wish I got paid a buck for every spyware I found on a customer's machine back when I was a repair tech. I'd be rolling in dough. -OgdenTechGuy Who are the fools who keep saying "nice"? Are they stoned? Oh, and I'm having the same problem as LaserGuru! None of the buttons work! (It's 5 AM, I'm out of cigarettes, and the supermarket doesn't open for another hour!) -robbor HA! And I say again, HA! My personal record is 1085 hits. True, over 400 were cookies ... but that's over 600 other hits. *makes note to screencap the really lusing screens from here out* -ralphp1024

15. and you are??? When I checked my voicemail this morning, there was a message from a lady who went on and on about how she couldn't log in to her machine or any other machine in her office and how this is causing her problems and how she can't get her work done and how she would appreciate it if I could look into this as soon as possible. Nowhere in her message did she give her name, her phone number or what office she is in or any other kind of identifying information. I'm sorry, but I have about 400 users at any one time with a moderate amount of turnover and I don't recognize every single voice of all of these people. So, you can't log in? I hate it for you, but until you call back and tell me who the fark you are there ain't jack shit I can do about it. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments That's actually a sad commentary on the state of peoples ability to interact in this day and age. To just assume everyone on the planet knows who you are is fairly arrogant. Too bad it happens with increasing frequency. I was taught to introduce myself, it's polite. -obie099 I get the ones from doctors with THICK accents..and they talk really fast and don't leave a call back number. After playing one for my boss he told me to delete it, they'll call back if it's important. -Starfury

16. Make it look like AOL Set up a new user on her computer today. While setting up Internet Explorer for her, she asked me if there was any way I could make it look like AOL for her. I tried to brush it off by pretending I didn't hear her, but she was quite adamant about wanting her browser to look like AOL. We finally compromised and I set up home.netscape.com as her Internet Explorer startup page, popups and all, and she actually appeared to be happy with it. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Yes, the devil finds work for idle... browsers? -namor But I'm still fond of you. Wha-oh-oh. -Plurimatic Plurimatic - Smiths fan? -lineswine Ah, my new porsche... is there anyway we can make it look like a chevy nova? -crackshot Set her homepage to a BSOD with 23 popups and she'll never know the difference -Grembo lineswine - back in the day I was. Smiths lyrics have a tendency to stick with you for years. My wife will put in their first album once in a while and before I know it, I'm singing along. Ah, memories. I was lucky enough to see them on The Queen is Dead tour, before they broke up. -Plurimatic

17. Blame it on the worm A student (l)user just called up, and went on and on about how various things on her computer were not working, and in there she said that it must be because of that worm. "I just know we have the worm, which is why it isn't working." When people try to blame everything on the virus du jour it irritates the crap out of me, so I made her go to the task manager and verify whether she had msblast.exe in there or not. Of course it wasn't there, so I told her she does not have "the worm." I asked her that since she does not have the worm, if there was anything else I could help her with. She hesitated for a moment, and I said "Thanks for calling" and . [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments My friend's father actually blamed SMOKE FROM THE TOWER on the worm. -CaffeineHead Hey, CH, can we get RR to do a parody os "Smoke on the Water" from your post? -Tekkie Gak, I meant "of". -Tekkie

18. My favorite LART A few years ago my brother gave me this thing as a gag gift for Christmas. It's currently hanging on my living room wall, however I'm awfully tempted to bring it in to the office as a LART. It ought to come in handy in particular when you really need to get medieval on a (l)user (for example if I ever get my hands on the script kiddie who released that Blaster worm). C'mon guys and gals, post pix of your favorite LARTs! http://www.unc.edu/~geschwin/images/LART.jpg (mostly suitable for workplace viewing) [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments If I needed a LART, it would have to be my gel keyboard wrist rest...it's just the right size for beating someone. When I first got it, I whacked my father in law with it and found it is great for that purpose! I get a lot of sting for just a little swing! >:-D -ResidentLuser Here's me with my favourite LART: http://www.ranrrc.org/tech/no4223new/authorlg.jpg . And here's another: http://www.ranrrc.org/tech/no4223new/firinglg.jpg . Here's the document the images were taken from: http://www.ranrrc.org/tech/no4223new/no4223.htm . (Possibly of interest to crackshot, RiffRaff, Scooby111, and others) -Wraith556 I don't know if it's our net connection at work (it's been up and down all day), but I'm getting cannot display page. -ClueBat I don't have one of these, but would love to. Here's my favourite: http://www.roadkill.net/madmins/CAT509pro.html -teivrann Ya know, it might actually be worth the extra $15 to get the connectors. Bang for the buck and all that -Grembo heres mine :) http://www.poemuseum.org/images/store/brick.jpg -crackshot I always carry my hockey equipment in the boot of my car as I never know where I will be on the day we have training/games so next to my tool kit is my pretty 3 foot long piece of composite metals and hardwood in a nice shoulder carry case -Quinn Here is my lart... now if i can just afford one http://www.ruger-firearms.com/Firearms/FAProdView?model=5001&return=Y -rockytech I still prefer the Chuck E. Cheese vinyl/foam cluebat. It's soft enough to hit a usually-good tech with, but still hurts enough to whack a (l)user with. Kinda like that wrist rest that was suggested. Will post a pic of it to my page soonish. :) -snowcrash The perfect LART: http://www.fat32.com/pictures/picture%2043.jpg -bentm99 OMG, BentM! It's the BFG9000! -Tekkie I have one of these for a major Lart http://home.pressroom.com/philips/cop_357/cop_357.htm -DragonXIII

19. power supply needs debugging I thought these kinds of things only happened in urban legends, until I had one of our users call me yesterday to take a look at what had happened to one of her assistants' computers. Fortunately we were fixing to surplus this computer, and this simply moved it up in the schedule a bit. I took a few pictures of it a few minutes ago: http://www.unc.edu/~geschwin/images/roach [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Gross. -CommanderData Talk about a buggy computer...<duck and cover> -KuroTaka All servers should run RAID <LOL and running (my 1st pun!!!!)> -burrkiss LOL!! -mousie My question, since it looks too big - how did it get *in* there? And why aren't there *more*? -namor Cockroaches can get in ANYWHERE. -scooby111 You know, I consider myself rather stoic for a femail tech, but if I ever got one of those in here, I would scream like the girl I am, run out of the room and not come back until it was gone. -techiegoddess One of my co-workers, who works in THAT part of the office, said that that roach was rattling around in there alive for a few days before it expired (and before they called me). I think I need to haul that box off to surplus on the double, since he asked what would happen if it laid eggs in there? BTW, good one, burrkiss :) -ltu1542hvy Eeew, huh? Turn on the PSU and watch what happens when that fan spins up... -Cronoz I've seen this happen before. I used to work in a computer shop in Texas. -LaserGuru Sorry man, they used all the bad roach jokes on my buggy post... -crackshot

20. printer problem The printer subsystem on our Novell server (NDPS) crashed and we are having our server engineers work on it. EU calls, neeping about printer problems and asks if rebooting her workstation will allow her to print again. I tell her that that won't resolve anything, since the problem is on the server and our server engineers are currently working on it, and she'll be able to print again when they have the problem resolved. EU: So, when can I reboot my system? Me: Our engineers are working on it and unfortunately we don't have an estimated time as to when they will be done. EU: So, what you're saying is I should try rebooting my computer in half an hour? ME: (banging head on screen) Sure, whatever (just to get her off my phone). [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments So, you want us to let anyone into the room, except you, and not to let him leave, unless he's with us? -DarthDOS HIC! -TechnoVampire Suddenly I feel like singing... -Disallowed

21. our server is down EU calls up. "Are you aware that your server is down? We cannot log in and the Internet is not working." I hate it when EUs make assumptions like that. Don't say that "our server is down" when you don't have any network connectivity at all. Our server is up and running just fine, thank you very much. Most likely one of your underlings yanked the Ethernet cable out of the wall again for the xth time this year. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Goes right along with my favorite--- Is there something wrong with the network? -scooby111 Or worse-- "Has your satellite fallen out of the sky?" -Eloewien Just remember... It is never the (l)users fault. -grantnet10 Yeah, It is never the (l)users fault!, also, the customer is never wrong. Hugh Grant will be playing a Geordie Welder in his next movie. Leonardo Di Caprio will be playing a Heavyweight Boxer in his. Jehova's Witnesses aren't barking mad. Malbro Ciggy's dont taste like shit. Kelly Osbourne is a tallented singer, & AOL is the greatest ISP in the world......<sarcasm buffer overun>. -Digital Dogcow Somebody tranq DD, he's babbling like a brook, and now he's starting to drool and twitch. -TechnoVampire <holds up tazer> Actually... the twitching was my fault. <g> -Wiser *Lowers picture of CD held in front of DD* Oops, sorry. -Bioguy Bioguy! That'll just make him drool MORE... -CommanderData Coz then he'll be on the hunt for ANOTHER picture......and my poor little home town will suffer the entrance of a drooling, twitching Dogcow. Not that Swindon could get much worse (grin).... -CommanderData Leonardo di Caprio with facial hair - he doesn't look butch, he looks like a Drag King! -notpitr CD, which one of those two "happy techs" in the picture from Swindon in the TSC Global Community map is you? -ltu1542hvy HEY! I farkin well resent that!, I've had the twitch ever since I started in Tech Support. Its when I start trying to bite my own ears u need to clear the room. -Digital Dogcow CD, if you posted a pic to your profile, Swindon might be overrun with a drooling techie horde, forget about just DD. -Bioguy i used to say that there was solar flares -postal tech This happened a lot at college. One of the few times they were right was when the power went out in most of the city...however, that didn't stop one person from calling in and asking if he could still dial in and surf the net. -redevil34 On the hospital: "Hey...this respirator is making funny beeping noises..." "Yeah...just turn it off and then back on..." -Cronoz Ooops... that post was meant for the "Reboot the diswasher" story." -Cronoz I love the fact that they didn't hold in que at all then they expect the network to be down, if it was indeed down then you would have been in que for about 30 minutes -sharkfin

22. Couldn't work an ATM, pt . 2 He turned around and said "Thank you. Obviously I haven't used one of these in a while." He then pulls out his ATM card, puts it in the machine, punches in his PIN and in the menu selects "Make a deposit" and selects "to checking." I was standing a respectful distance behind him, but looking over his shoulders to make sure he doesn't f-up again. He then tried to shove his envolope into the deposit slot again, even though the next screen clearly said "Enter deposit amount" and didn't give him permission yet to shove in the envelope. Watching him struggle for a few seconds, I yelled "you need to enter the deposit amount," hoping that he will do so before the machine times out and he'll have to start all over again, making me just that much later. He mumbled something like "Thanks" and entered a very long number. Then he was able to finish the last two steps of the transaction on his own. When he was done, he turned around, his cheeks were as red as sun-ripened tomatoes, and he started apologizing profusely, before getting in his car and driving off. I figured that somebody who obviously looks like a reasonably well-off businessman, and not some unwashed, unedumacated backwoods hick, could at least figure out something as common as an ATM machine, but obviously even that can no longer be assumed. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Assumption is the mother of all fark ups. -RiffRaff and right after "assumption" is "well-dressed businessmen"... -obie099 assume, n. to make an ASS out of U and ME -virusjtg Wow, a two part story submitted backwards so we can read it in order. Good job! -letsgoflyers81 select [well-dressed] + buisnessman as "secritary or accountant usually do this" from buisness101 -garwain

23. Couldn't work an ATM, pt. 1 The other evening I went to the ATM at my local bank to get some money so I could go out and have a few drinks with some friends. When I got to the bank, there was this reasonably well dressed 50-something year old man with an older BMW convertible standing at the ATM. He kept trying to stuff an envelope into the deposit slot, but just couldn't quite make it. I then noticed on the monitor of the ATM the screen that prompts you to insert your card. I thought, surely this guy must know how to use a farking ATM, and I MUST resist the urge to TS this guy on how to use this machine. After watching him struggle for a couple of minutes and thinking I would be late meeting my friends, I finally bit the bullet and shouted out "You need to insert your ATM card in the machine to make a deposit." [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story

24. Technology challenged friend One of my best friends, who is so technology challenged that he would make most EUs look bright, bought himself a copy of TurboTax yesterday. He asked me to help him install it today. I told him I was busy and that he should just follow the instructions, and that millions of people have managed to install it successfully on their own and he should be able to as well, and that he should just try it before trying to lean on me to install it for him. So, he tried, and I got a panicked phone call from him a short while ago. Seems like inserting a CD, going to his CD drive and clicking on autorun.exe was beyond his capabilities. BTW, this guy has a bachelors and masters degree from fairly prestigious Universities, so I know he has a brain; he just doesn't know how to use it in front of a computer. So, I once again gut suckered into doing his TS for him when I really didn't want to. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments NOOOOOOOOOOO.....TURBOTAX.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......GET AWAY......GET AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY. -maniacmatt Brains and degrees aren't necessarily connected. Ask our boy, Dogcow.... -obie099

25. general gripe I'm sorry if this is entirely off topic, but I do need to vent and get this off my chest (and I'll try to make this a little bit on topic). When there is freezing rain and sleet outside in North Carolina, where people just don't know how to drive in winter weather and the roads look and feel like the Public Works department traded their snow plows and salt trucks in for Zambonis, and you are driving an obese 6000 lbs. fatassed SUV, DO NOT goddammotherfucking tailgate me! That four-wheel drive may give you better traction, but it does absolutely NOTHING for your breaking and steering and DOES NOT give you the right to follow 10 ft. behind my little japanese car even at speeds as low as 20 mph. I hope you farkin spin out and crash your POS overkill truck. What's really scary is that these people have about as much of a clue about the physics involved in driving a large vehicle with a high center of gravity as the typical EU has about how to operate a computer. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Deploy spike strips... -SATradioTech9 Slam on the brakes - collect fat insurance settlement from someone who obviously has more money than brains. -RiffRaff True, RR, except that I actually **like** my car. -ltu1542hvy I've got a 550KM road trip coming up this week, and its supposed to be snowing pretty much all non stop through tomorrow. This is one time where techs deserve danger pay... -Snakeeye Whenever someone tailgates me, I ride my brakes until they're at least four car lengths behind me. If they don't slow done at all, that's when I actually slow down. Impatient wankers! -paul if the bastard behind u thinks you are driving slow ... drop to about 10-15 under the posted limit .. pisses em off and if the farker tries to pass speed up and when he cuts back in behind slam the brakes quickly to scare the livin shit out of em ... it works -dgnr8 Buy a package of BBs and when they get that close under those conditions, just pour them out the window. No real damage but they will back off. :o) -tlpervert I have a fairly old motor which won't do the usual 120mph down the dual carriageways here (the speed limit is actually 60 or so), so when I end up with some asshole tailgating me (every single journey I take!) I just start tapping on the brakes. They normally slam the anchors on when they see my brakelights come on. -CommanderData I usually use the emergency brake,If you pull it slow enough you can slow down with out locking it. the lights don't even come on. Scares most of em so bad they stay about 1/4 mile back.. -eldorel Hear, Hear, Itu1542hvy!!! I wholeheartedly agree with you !! I had a car totaled a few years ago by a woman tailgating me in an SUV on icy roads AND while talking on her cell phone. Why the bleepin hell do you need an SUV in the city, if not only to raise our dependence on foreign oil???? -Jenzkind From Richmond, VA, where we have a snow sandwich on the ground right now (a layer of snow between two layers of ice, with a sleet topping), I feel your pain. And I like my car, too, which is why I didn't slam on the brakes in front of the half-dozen gas-guzzling, road-blocking, idiot-carrying SUVs that roared up behind me today... I simply moved over and gave them room to pass (and quietly hoped they'd wind up wrapped around a telephone pole)... -Robster2001 At least once a week, I get one of those SUVs behind me, and all I can see through the windshield is the hands on the wheel. Please people, Granny has enough trouble driving a little car. Don't put her in a tank... -garwain What the heck are you doing driving around NC without the regulation 1.5 ton double-axle V8 pickup truck with the diamond-plate toolbox and the coon-dog cage in the back? You fum up-nawth, fella? -Foyle This dude really knows how to get even: http://www.tardsite.com/ -notpitr Our traffic sucks so bad, there is a website for it. http://www.285sucks.com -CelticSkyhawk I hate those farkin SUV drivers. Oh wait! I am one of those. The only difference is, I had the common sense to research was I was getting into before I bought it, and I educated my self on how it works and how to use it. I also understand the limitations of my vehicle. -suvdrivah I usually drive in the center lane & leave the left lane open for the speeders. When someone decides to tailgate me instead of passing, I usually cut my speed 10-15 mph. If they don't pass or back off, I "brown seat" them by a quick brake (scares the sh*t out of them). I've also found that if someone gets behind me & uses his bright lights, I can usually direct my mirrors back into their car. (I once used a large hand-mirror, but that is really dangerous to innocent persons, so I've stopped doing that.) -deltree/y

26. this is just depressing Got a magazine article emailed to me. It's all about outsourcing trends in white-collar jobs. Looks like what we have seen so far is only the beginning. Interesting, but very depressing: http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/03_05/b3818001.htm [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Ok, anybody know of any good strichnine websites? I need a dose -FistLaw That's why it pays to work for the government, boys and girls. :) -kman52000 I'd take the strichnine before I'd work for the government. No offense, Kman. :) -RiffRaff There's two things smart about Uncle, if nothing else: One: HE DOESN'T OUTSOURCE! Two: Even he knows UNIONS are a good idea. JOB PROTECTION, NO AMERICAN JOBS SHIPPED OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR THE SAKE OF CORPORATE PROFITS!!!This economy is suffering because people would rather pay the fools who'd as soon gas us as look at us $2 an hour than pay us $10+. -MadJack <claps> -hkypipe

27. I'm not in front of the computer Just had a temp student worker (ie less than clueless) call, saying that she couldn't get to "the J: drive" (a network share). I asked her if she was in front of the computer. She said she wasn't and then went on and on saying that there was not phone in that room that would reach the computer (total bullshit; I know the layout of the building and there IS a phone in that room) and that she had to go to another floor (!!) to use the phone. OK, time to take advantage of the user's stupidity. <ME> What version of Windows are you using? (I knew it was NT). <EU> I don't know. (I tell her to click on the Start button and make her go upstairs to find out. When she comes back, I ask her what user name she is logged in as. Again, she has no clue (I knew which generic user account it was). Sort of told her how to check it. Made her go upstairs to check it. She came back and told me the machine name. I told her I didn't need the machine name, but the user name, and please go and check it again. Up she went, back she came with the name. Then I ask her if she had access to other network shares. She had no idea. Please go check. Up she went, back down she came. Yep, can get to other shares. OK, please log off, reboot and log on again. EU: But I don't know the password. Me: Well, then you'll have to wait until somebody who comes on duty who does. Of course, sending her back and forth like that was mostly unnecessary. After a day like today I just felt like being mean. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments That's probably the most excercise she's had in months. It was good for her. Really, it was. <g> -RiffRaff oooooooooh yeah!. u really have to OST in a Uni to **fully** appreciate this story. Nice work!. ;0) -Digital Dogcow Hey, a little t/shooting, a little cardio - good stuff! -hkypipe I once had a (L)user that didn't trust the office phone system for the important information he had to share with me to solve a problem, so I kept him running back and forth between his office and mine for the better part of an afternoon. The funny part was he'd leave his office door open. Real good security for info to sensitive for the phone system... -garwain Whey hey! Brilliant! Make the dumb excuse for an extra x chromosome run! -CommanderData

28. Worse than bad music on hold Just called the campus wide IT support number for this University for which I work. Instead of having music on hold, they had a radio talkshow. It was a talkshow with several surgeons discussing surgical procedures in minute, graphical detail. After listening to this for two or three minutes I felt so nauseous that I had to hang up. I bet those techs are sitting in their call center laughing their asses off, watching their queue empty itself without having to talk to anybody. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments lol I had some hold music that sounded like bagpipes or cats getting tortured.... was very close to hanging up -rockytech It's that really fast-tempo violin music that kills me. I keep picturing my head exploding if I keep listening. -SparcMan

29. no need to contact the systems office Whenever there is a new virus making its way around campus at our University that I think is liable to affect our darling users I send out an email to all of them informing them to be on the lookout for that particular virus. When appropriate, I always put a phrase in those emails "If you receive an email that matches this description and simply delete it without trying to open the attachment there is no need for you to contact the Systems Office." Well, I sent out another one of those emails this afternoon, and within 5 minutes I had several people emailing me saying that they received several such emails and they deleted them without trying to open them. Sigh!!! What do they want me to do? Email them a pat on the back, telling them how proud we are of them for being such a good little user and not f'cking up their machine? [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Some people need the hand holding. -grantnet10 No, you sort through those "thanks for the warning" monkey messages to get to the "so I ran the attachment like you told me not to" emails. -Mushroom Before I put that statement in those messages my phone would ring off the hook and my inbox would overflow with those "monkey messages," which is why I started putting that statement in there. Now that it's there it just irks the hell out of me that some people obviously read the message but ignore the request. OK, it's really not all that big a deal; I just had a very annoying day at work and had to blow off some steam. -ltu1542hvy I normally "reward" those EU's by kicked off a full virus scan on their machine, "To be safe". Works especially well on those Celeron 300's }-> -smellystudent

30. make up your mind! We have a batch of laptops that our users can check out for various purposes. Today there is an event going on where one user needed to use all of our laptops. They were all configured with the same login and password. The user just called and complained that the login/password was not working on one of them and was making a rather big deal about it. I told her I could come out to her site right now and work on it and make sure that it works. She then said not to worry about it and it's not that important and "I know you have more important things to do than to come out here." Well, if it wasn't that important, then why did you call in the first place? If you're going to call with a problem, please have the courtesy of letting me try to fix it for you. Sheesh... [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments I always wondered about that. I would get the EU about once every couple weeks who would wait on hold for 45 minutes, spend 10 minutes explaining their computer problem inaccurately and their hernia operation in detail twice, then when it came down to teching or fixing... they thought they'd taken enough of my time and would be calling back later, before we'd touched jack. -Mushroom

31. next few weeks could be **fun** Over the semester break we got a directive from above that we are going to enforce password aging with strong password complexity pretty much as of immediately, where we didn't do either so far. In general that's a good idea, which I support, however having to wean 400 nimrods who have been using simple words that they still can't remember for the last several years off of that and expecting them to remember complex passwords promises to be a royal pain. Not looking forward to all the calls and complaints to reset passwords. I think I will go out and drink heavily tonight... [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Just have someone else suggest to them that they use a postit to attach their password to their monitor, so they wont forget... As long as the higher-ups don't know it's you, the raise in network security breaches would not be your fault ;) -garwain That Strong Complexity business is gonna be a pain all right. We did pretty much the same thing but ended up diluting the effect considerably by allowing password that were vulnerable to dictionary cracks. Half the users still have the same word as their password. (Guess which one.) -Foyle

32. Getting intimate with a printer About a year or so ago I had an EU, a middle aged very conservative, very religious church-going lady, call about a problem with a paper jam on her deskjet printer. Did a site visit and unjammed her printer (for some of our darling users its just easier on your sanity to simply bite the bullet and do it yourself and get it over with) and printed a test page and it printed just fine. About an hour later she called back and said that even though my test page printed just fine, her printer is now printing streaks all over the page. I told her that it may be either that she is using the wrong type of paper and that she ought to try a different type of paper, or that the printer is dirty and needs to be cleaned. She then replied: "Yes I thought it may need to be cleaned. I opened it up and it was all dusty inside, so I gave the printer a blowjob and that didn't seem to make a difference." Do these (l)users have any clue what they are saying?? [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Nope. Hay lady bring it here =) -techowannabe wonder if the printer smoked after the blow job? -numbmind I would have been seriously tempted to ask her did she spit or swallow ?? ;0) -Digital Dogcow

33. Network problem my a$$ This is probably the worst id10t I have encountered so far. I do tech support for an administrative division of a large public university, which includes both phone support and on-site visits. About a year and a half ago I had a (l)user call me up about mid morning. His first question was "Hey, is the network down or something?" to which I replied "No, everything is working just fine on my end. What seems to be the problem?" "I can't log in. I put in my name and password and it just gives this computer looking thing (logging in to Novell Client for NT/2000 - the hour glass icon is replaced by a "computer looking thing") and it won't go away and I can't get in." I tried all the typical stuff, asking him to wait for the login attempt to time out, and then type everything again, making sure the caps lock is off and nothing is misspelled, etc. and if it doesn't work to call again. I went through four rounds of making suggestions and telling him that if it doesn't work that he should try it again. Eventually I gave up and decided that there is just no helping this moron over the phone, so off I go in the "systems van" and drive halfway across campus to visit this assclown. While I was there, one of the first things I did was compare the username that he was entering to what it was in NT's User Manager (NT/2000 and Novell usernames in our network are configured to synchronize). It turns out that his (l)user name consisted of his first initial and his last name and he kept misspelling it. All during that day, for at least half a dozen attempts, he kept insisting that his last name had two "m"s when it only had one. Yes, numbnuts forgot how to spell his own friggin name. There was nothing at all wrong with the network, his computer or anything. [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments Now, see like, for one of our databases, I have that luser's problem...because -they- mispelled my last name, and refuse to change it, and I sometimes forget how they did spell my name, which is, indeed wrong. Surely if that were the case, you'd know, and wouldn't have made fun of a customer for not remember how whomever screwed his name up did so? -Dragones **They** misspelling your last name (unfortunately happens to me all the time as well) and somebody not able to remember how to spell their own name are two entirely different issues. -ltu1542hvy Just after I started my current job, I had a (l)user call just before closing. She couldn't log in. And of course she had typed her password correctly. By the time I got down there the login script was running. So if she typed her password right, she must have spelled her ID (first initial, last name) wrong. They had to type the ID every time back then for a DOS login to Novell. -sassicatz Sorry, maybe I should have added, that it would be all well and good if the luser did forget how to spell his name, but what if it's like a chain reaction? The company doesn't have the luser's name spelled right, therefore in the database it isn't spelled right, and the luser doesn't know about this screw up, so what if it isn't that he doesn't have his last name wrong, you do? I agree, if they actually -can't- remember how to spell their name, yeah, that's dumb (unless it's a really complicated last name). But unless you check the person's birth certificate, which I don't think any of us are actually allowed to do, how do you know where the error lies? Oh, and a bitch about my situation: When learning this one data base, I couldn't log in, and not knowing about the screw up, I argued with my trainer for five minutes that I was spelling my name right, and it was saying "Login name not found" Almost had to take the numbnuts to HR to get it cleared up, although I was pointing repeatedly to my work badge saying, "No, trust me, -this- is my name." He didn't get it until I said, very carefully, "You have mispelled my name somehow," -Dragones Let me clarify this story a bit. This particular incident happened about 6 or 8 months after the (l)user started working at the University. His name is not particularly uncommon or all that difficult. One day he simply woke up and came to work thinking that his last name has two "m"s in it instead of one. He never had a problem logging on prior to that day nor for the few months after that day before he stopped working at the University. A typo or two due to carelessness or "fat fingers" is one thing - that can happen to anybody - but he kept mistyping his name over and over during that one day and insisted that it had two "m"s. -ltu1542hvy

34. incompatible Word documents Voicemails can be painful, since you cannot stop the (l)user from doing something utterly stupid. They've already done it. We have one user, who we usually refer to as "the fuck-up fairy," who left me a voicemail a few months back (how I wish I would have saved it). He said that he had a Word document that kept blue screening his machine. He said that this blue screen kept coming up that says something about dumping physical memory, after which all he could do was cut his machine off and back on again, after which this autorecover thingy put the letter he was typing back up again. He said that after this happened twice in a row he thought that something with his documents must be inherently incompatible with Microsoft Word, causing this problem, so he went into his home directory and deleted all his Word documents. After banging my head against my desk quite violently a few times I called the fuck-up fairy back and told him that the one document he was working on was likely corrupt, which does not mean that all of his Word documents are inherently incompatible with Word, and asked him if he would like me to have his Word documents restored from the backup tape. He told me not to worry about it, since he can always recreate them if he needs them. Aargh! [By: ltu1542hvy] Comment on Story Comments i wouldna offered that much, prolly somthin more like, we are going to have to remove your access to word also, possibly the whole lan to prevent the epidemic from spreading -daeglo

Customer Misconceptions

2. Whatever computer problem you have must be due to a virus. I had three people call me today, starting their neeping with "I think my computer has a virus because of neep, neeeep, nop, neeep..." One turned out to be a driver conflict, one a bent pin in a keyboard connector, and one was a slow machine that hadn't been defragged in over a year. [2004-06-14]

3. We're in the process of migrating from one server to another (Novell file and print server - that's ALL that server does), and now everything that goes wrong is due to the server migration. For the last week, if people can't get their email, surf web pages, print to locally attached printers, access an application on a separate NT application server, access the calendar server, or WHATever, they have been aksing "is that because of the server migration?" or "because of the "server migration" I can no longer <insert current issue>." At least they're not automatically blaming everything on viruses anymore. [2003-01-30]

4. If a device ceases to function it is defective and must be replaced. There is no need to check a) to see if there is a power switch and b) if there is one, to see if the device is turned off. At last count over the last four years I have already magically revived 1 dead laser printer and four dead monitors simply by pushing the power button. [2002-12-30]

5. If it has a USB port it must support USB. Had one assclown in recent memory bypass proper channels (which includes checking with the Systems Office prior to purchasing computer related equipment) and buy a USB zip drive for his NT box. He loaded the software, plugged in the device and then wondered why it took his box 20 minutes to boot up (a miracle that it booted at all). Checking the system requirements for OS compatibility is not necessary. [2002-12-30]

6. Monitors don't need a power cable. About two years ago the four people in one of the offices we support decided to move a computer from one room to another without checking with us first. After moving it and plugging in all the cables it did not work properly, which is when they finally decided to call us. Sent one of my assistants out to see what was going on. He said that all four of them were huddled over the computer scratching their heads. One of them finally said "hey, it looks like this power cord plugs into the back of this monitor. That's really strange. I thought they get their power from the computer." What was really depressing is that all four of them combined couldn't figure it out... [2002-12-30]

Tech Rules

Co-Worker Types

2. Terry Tate, Office Linebacker Did y'all see the "Terry Tate, Office Linebacker" commercial during the superbowl? Or the 3 1/2 minute long version of that commercial that is starting to make its rounds through the Internet? How I wish we had a "Systems Office Linebacker" like that who we could sick on every EU who said or asked something stupid or annoying. CRUNCH!!! [2003-01-27]

Customer E-mails

2. Subject: alarm sound is driving us crazy The LART is working! As a follow up to the story this morning, where I told the woman who our of ignorance turned off the UPS which crashed her server, I told her that she needs to leave it on and endure the beeping that it's doing. Got an email from her a short while ago: "ltu1542hvy, Is there anything we can do to stop the alarm sound? It is driving SF boss and me crazy! Signed, SF." I will respond to them that we have ordered a new UPS and that they will need to endure the alarm beeping until it arrives here. What I won't tell them is that it will be a few days until it gets here, and I will be on vacation at that time... [2004-06-28]

3. Subject: I don't need no steenkin' details For the last seveal weeks I have not been able to get to TSC from work (a trace route times out after about 18 hops...), so I have not been able to keep up with these stories as much as I like to :-( At any rate, on to the customer email. The subject line was "I must have saved over a workshhet last month!@#$%^&%*" and the body was :"LTU, I must have saved over a worksheet that I need. Is it hiding somewhere on the hard drive where it can be retrieved easily. Stupid Starfish" That was it. No further details. Time to pull out the magic crystal ball. What kind of worksheet (workshit) file was that? How am I supposed to know where you saved it to (our users don't have default paths and can save to whereever they think best)? [2004-05-24]

4. Subject: minor details Starfish emailed me that her networked laser printer won't work. I email her back asking her to do the first troubleshooting step, namely power cycle the printer. She then emails me back saying that that didn't do it and added this little comment: "There is a cord hanging on the side that I don't think was loose before, but I don't know where to plug it in." Do you think that that just **might** have something to do with it? Why didn't you say so in the first place?? [2004-04-21]

5. Subject: need new account set up "I need you to do a calendar account for Neepa [last name], neepme@[university.edu]. She is our new Business Associate in our office." Looks like the neeping is preprogrammed for this one. [2004-01-13]

6. Subject: A long time ago at my old job... ... I got an email from a co-worker that started "My compuker is not working right... [2003-04-15]

EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)

2. EU (female secretary) tried repeatedly to log on to a Novell server and kept getting an error message, even after repeated reboots. "We shot our wad and tried everything" [2003-04-25]

3. My computer is "Moo"-ing. You mean, it is making noises like a cow? Yes. [2003-04-15]

4. "Dial-up is like sucking the Internet through a cocktail straw." [2003-02-19]