Tech Stories

1. 4 Way Today I get this call from a VoIP company and an older couple who subscribe to their service and run it off of our broadband connection. The VoIP rep is nice and his request is simple; their router is broken and they need to setup the internet on one computer until a replacement arrives using only our modem/router. The husband and wife hand the phone off back and forth while we are reconnecting cables and checking settings. I ask the customer if they had had the connection light on their modem when they were troubleshooting their VoIP router. Turns out that their modem/router didn't have a cable from it to the jack and the VoIP guy had been trying to get his router to work while there wasn't an internet connection. Once the customer reconnected the line to the wall the modem/router came online. That took 20 minutes and it took another 20 minutes to get the customer to connect the modem/router to their computer and open up a browser to verify they were online. I asked the VoIP guy how long he'd been on the phone with them before they called me and he said an hour. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he should have bridged the modem/router, too. What a waste of sperm and eggs. [By: pimpinnocent] Comment on Story Comments You had me all interested with '4 way' in the title, but then you introduced 2 old people and you made me ill. :P -burrkiss Don't knock gerontophilia, Burkiss - you'll be an unwilling participant before too long... <bfek9g> -Gromit That's nothing. Yesterday, one of our techs spent 20 minutes with a store manager just to get her to find her frackin' computer!!! (Mgr: "I don't think we have one of those." This after they found the monitor, keyboard, mouse, AND satellite modem, but just could NOT find a full sized IBM tower computer!!!) -Captain Trips I had to call a guy back the other day after finding out from their circuit ID which *building* their mail server would be in... he knew the IP, just couldn't figure out which connection/building it was physically in. -namor http://www.bash.org/?5273 -chazz Chazz, that is one of my alltime favourite bash quotes. =) -Bynar Bynar, somewhere there is a story of a Sun server that got walled in during office renos... it was in a closet, and they simply walled in the closet, and it was something like four or five years before the thing failed and they had to try and figure out where it was so they could reboot it. I also know a case where that was done deliberately. Friend of mine got his computers stolen, and when the new ones (paid by insurance) came in, he built them into his walls, leaving old 386-class junkers around as bait. -chazz Chazz - I heard the same story except at a Uni & it involved a Novell server. It was only known to be missing when a disk became full (usual F&P server). -lineswine

2. Which is it? A customer I was talking to was having browser issues. I asked if she had a pop-up blocker and she said, "Yes, I have Norton Internet Security." I asked her to disable it and she replied with, "It's not installed." [By: pimpinnocent] Comment on Story Comments it's sitting in the un-opened box on her desk, could you see that over the phone? -drachen "My car keeps slipping on the snowy roads!" "Do you have snow tires?" "Yes, so this shouldn't be happening!" "Yes, very odd... let's take a look at the tires..." "Oh, they're at home in the garage, these are my old worn out tires." -EagleEye 0.o had a call like that , asked if he had an antispyware tool on his system said no and when I went to install the Spybot it mentioned that it was already there... jackass. -Z0nker

3. Magic Button For the past few weeks we've been plagued with calls fom OtherISP's engineers who run off our network and are having flaky ip issues. OtherISP has resorted to telling its customers that it is our fault and now they are calling our support number. As days and weeks go by all of their calls get nastier and nastier. I got one from a "systems engineer" that goes like this. me, "...usual opening" caller, "Yeah, I'm a systems engineer from OtherISP. I need to talk to upper level support." me, "And whom in 'upper level support' do you need to speak wth?" caller "John or Bob" me "Do you have a last name?" caller "Look, I was just disconnected from John or Bob, I can't remember who I was talking to, and I can't find their number. Just transfer me to upper level support." I said "Sir, we don't have one department called 'upper level support.' We have many departments that could be called that. Can you tell me specifically what you are calling about?" Caller: "Look, you idiot, I want someone who knows about ATMs and DSLAMs and who can push the magic button to get this all working!" Me: "Sir, I want to help you, but if you could describe more specifically what the problem is or provide more about the people you were talking to then it will help me get you to the right people." Caller: "You moron. Put me on the phone with John or Bob. Do I have to repeat myself to make you understand?" I put him on hold and confirmed that there was no such thing as "upper level support" and it would be impossible to determine who he had been talking to out of all the possible groups. I got back on the call and said, "Sir, I have just confirmed that I will require more information to connect you to the correct department." Caller: "You guys have been keeping our system down for weeks, almost months! You guys are a bunch of idiots. I want to talk to upper level support and I want to talk to John or Bob. Just transfer me! I want to talk to the person who can press the magic button, okay? I want upper level support and that person right now. I want them to press the magic button!" Click, and I said out loud, "And the magic button is called 'release.'" A couple weeks later it turns out that OtherISP didn't have their equipment configured correctly. Go figure, like we control their ips? [By: pimpinnocent] Comment on Story Comments They're celebrating this as if it's some grand and wonderful thing, when in fact it's a perfect example of how horrible the whole certification process has become. -EagleEye I've been searching for the magic button for years. And believe you me, when I find it, I have a feeling the wife will be happier about it than me. :-) -DragonMageWTF He was probably the top dog's admin assistant who had never called before. He just figured you'd probably have a John or Bob in support and could bull his way through the lower support layers. -sassicatz No magic button, but I have a magic switch. -CyBear www.turnofftheinternet.com <- Here is teh magic button. You'll need to enable popups to get the effect (SFW) -Bynar hmmm how ofddly reminisent of AOhell -Harm "We are the knights that go "NIC NIC NIC" and we have come in search of the magic button!!" -SFishWrangler So let me understand, this is a "Network Engineer" who probably makes two to three times what I do who thinks there truly is some type of magic fix it button? WTF? Why do I bother trying to be smart and learn how things work, I just need some knee pads and no shame to get a good job. -snJimboip I would look for a John or Bob in Maintainence or Custodial department. LART the dumbass into remembering names. And I agree, it's a sad shame what the cert process has become. Good LART on 'Release' -deskmonkey On the same note, today I had an MCSE ask me which was better for a local connection, usb or ethernet? -pimpinnocent

4. Hopefully Inebriated As per usual at the end of my shift I get a call that makes me stay late. I have removed all of the expletives out of the conversation, but none were mine. Fifteen minutes before I'm scheduled off...(insert usual schpiel opening)... Lady "I'd like to lodge a complaint." Me "okay..." "I called your help desk and got this number ...(she reads off the help desk number - the one she called me on and we're speaking on an extension of right now) and the last lady I talked to ...(she reads off a number that in no way resembles an employee identifier) and she told me that the phone number I gave you was the dial-up number and I asked her three times if she was sure." "okay..." "Well, I put that number into my computer and when I dialed it, you know how it makes the usual noise..." "yes..." Well it was really loud and high-pitched and then my computer started making funny noises..." mute "and now my keyboard doesn't work and I even bought a new one and it doesn't work either." read call notes: last call - 2 days ago for her keyboard - reffered to Dhelli. first and only other call - 2 days before that to get the dial-up setup - note reads "and gave her correct local access number." silence, lady "and now my computer won't stay in windows..." silence, lady "so what are you going to do about it?" [By: pimpinnocent] Comment on Story Comments Well, ma'am I'm sorry for the problem and I'll be more than-- *click* -murdermachine Let me transfer you to the right department for that... *click* -Mushroom Dhelli, hehe. -linkv

5. Hopefully Inebriated (follow-up) At this point I put her on hold. I e-mailed several of my colleagues the story and told the others around me while I typed it. Groans abounded as I approached my 2nd level support member and told him the story. He graciously offered to take the call if I had to transfer it. I put her back on and told her something to the effect of, "I've consulted with the upper level engineering group and they concur that there is no possible way that dialing our help desk number in a dial-up connection could cause the types of problems your computer is experiencing." As I attempted to explain how a handshake works and that nothing short of a successful completion could transmit harmful data to a device she argued contrary and obscene contradictions. While a host of my (albeit waiting-for-calls) co-workers gathered around my cubicle; she hung up. [By: pimpinnocent] Comment on Story Comments she started swearing?? Disconnect, they can't be bothered to be civil i can't be bothered to help them. -Armakuni OH and welcome to TSC, sounds like your gonna be a regular poster here if this is any indication :) -Armakuni Agreed - if she's being abusive, she go *click* and bye. -teivrann Have you ever had one of those days / Where nothin' goes right / the wife starts bitchin' bout whatever it was / she was bitching about last night / so you escape to the bathroom / just to sit on your throne / but when you finish your business / the toilet paper's gone / Yeah, it's a great day / for me to whoop somebody's ass... -murdermachine Swearing - the last refuge of those who have no f****ng manners... ;) -PTSTech I liked scoob's line - swearing is the last refuge of inarticulate mother f***ers. -namor heh...the last really drunk guy I talked too gave me my wonderful tagline, lol -leonine Let me bring someone on the phone who can help you with this. *hit Speakerphone button, everyone laughs together* -Mushroom FOLLOW UP TO THE FOLLOW UP: She connected the same computer just fine to our broadband service and since has been calling in with other non-sensical issues. She honestly expected me to replace her computer when she first called. As for the profanity; since I swear so much in my personal life I tolerate it on my calls up to the point where the caller is calling me the names and it's not just general remarks. Had she called me a name I would have hung up on her. -pimpinnocent

Customer Misconceptions

Tech Rules

Customer E-mails

2. My DNS server is broken so I need my modem replaced. [2005-08-05]