Tech Stories

2. Hitlers Tech Support Desk http://youtu.be/Z99HZ8KyYYc - This I must say made my morning! [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Allong the same vein , The infamous WiFi support call : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0zt4opqL18 -Necros LMAO... I like the end comment, "That was actually Pierre...." -spectreoflife

3. Racist Mouse Guy So the guy with the racist mouse http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=87594 attacks again. This time with "the paper is too thin in the copier." Though he couldn't produce any valid reason why, I did point him to the autorized paper types catalog for the copier and he decided that was too much work. I think this guy will be producing several more stories/EUPOTD's in the future. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Was he using onion skin paper? -MaskedMarauder Just give the guy a bottle of bleach. -unrenowned

4. Mr. 33 Years Old So I think I found the infamous "Mr. 33 years old" of my support chain. She has recently become in charge of our tier 3 and up trouble ticketing system. She didn't know how to properly use the system in the first place, and now she assigns them to whomever, and closes them seemingly at random (even if no one has even been assigned/acknowledged them yet). Quite often, like today, she decided that because their support desk did not submit the paperwork that I kindly prepared for her for the users email account, she would close the ticket that was already 24 days old with the comment “over 4 (four) days old” and not so much mention it to me even though not a hour before she called me about the ticket and didn’t mention it then either. She has done this numerous times. I have been nice and not dropped the name bombs, but I think it’s about Mr. Nice Guy disposes of the weak links that are holding my progress back. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments #1 and 2 torpedo tubes loaded. Fire away. -AmazingKreskin Longevity and advancement does not always equal skill. -Starfury

5. New pen, signature now invalid We now sign all documents digitally with smart cards. A couple weeks back I had to get a new one. Now I've had the higher up's request me to re-sign at least 5 different documents because when they open them, they say my certificate is revoked. After toiling trying to explain to them the why and how, eventually I had to break it down. “Sir, it’s like this. I signed the document with this pen. Then, that pen broke. I got a new pen. After I got the new pen, all of the things I had signed before are still valid, the ink is just different” to which I still got a blank stare and just ended up re-signing everything again. I thought my analogy was valid…..am I wrong or is that not baby enough? Because I have to get a new smart card again in 2 weeks…. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments The analogy was valid. The users were flawed. -skippytpodar All they know is it won't go, please re-sign to make it go. -AmazingKreskin ER-ROR!! ER-ROR!! IN-VAL-LID CER-TIF-FICATE!! RE-SIGN! RE-SIGN! -Harm It really depends on how the certificate depository works. The last one I used had a timestamp based archive that contained the older certification keys to validate against. Better analogy: The stamp was valid when applied but the letter wasn't mailed until after the price increase. -PolarCoyote I just had a mental image of a digital pen, writing ink that is running like one of those psycho whatchamacallit paintings. Abstract whats it who. Yeah... -MaskedMarauder Your analogy was fine. Next time use finger puppets and Play-Doh, and keep your words to under two syllables. Boss-man sounds as sharp as a bowling ball. -MeanDean

6. Continuity of....huh? So work just handed me this notebook and a "Building a userful continuity book" guide, on which, one of the lines they must've missed is "...the book should not be put together the wekk before the replace takes over." Apparently they mised that. My futile attempt to explain to them how long documentation takes vs. actually doing the job failed misereably. I now have 4 days to summarize the last 5 years of work. So far, thanks to SYDI, I have at least bumped the pages numbers up a bit by documenting the server configs. In the end, I guess it's my fault for not doing it...I did plan on doing it with the Wiki I had created, it just never quite got done lol. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Some managers seem to think the info gathering software is all you should need, that if you know the what, nobody needs to know the why... Yeah. -TechMama You wouldn't be able to tell I'm a grammar/spelling Nazi by that paragraph. -ravensentinel make 'em pay for your consulting services, $300/hr, 8 hr minimum. That'll teach 'em! -CTYankee

7. Manglement at it's best So, they found a replacement for me apparently. And in their fit of brilliance, they saw CISSP on his resume and latched on him without going through my technical interview at all. Come to find out, it is my predecessor who was fired due to some “clearance” issues which turned out to be issues with abusing various chemicals. He’s one of those weird types that “collects” certifications and is book smart but if you put him in front of a server, he can’t find a command prompt. I should be nice and remove the GUI from all of the servers just before I leave. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments If the HR department's memory is so short that they can't remember they fired him, they deserve whatever they get. -NightSteel wow... thats just so.. completly.. idiotic doesn't do it justice.. -Harm I am surprised! (NOT) -ecoli Uh, are *they* aware of what they're doing to themselves? And are you leaving voluntarily? -CTYankee Yes, voluntarily. No, they would not fight to keep me. Yes, they are sinking their own ship. No, I don't care at this point. lol -ravensentinel

8. The answer is 'no' So I'm 9 working days out from leaving here and still they have not given me someone to train as a temp after I'm gone. The deputy director is more concerned with getting someone certified to do they job than just getting someone trained enough to hold the fort down until the new hire. On top of that, that same director has given me 2 major projects that somehow she seems to expect me to complete before I leave. What makes it such a crisis? I'm the only IT and server support here. Oh boy. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments just remember, contracting rates are 4-5 times salary rates. plus the contract minimum....plus the id10t tax.... -gashach To be more accurate: Your base consulting hourly rate should be 1/1000 of what you would like to earn per year before taxes. If you want $75,000/year, your hourly is $75. Add inconvenience charges (out of normal working hours, travel time, idiot tax) on top of that. -chazz It sounds like in 9 days you go from Employee to Contractor and at that point your pay rate becomes 3x what you're currently making now to continue supporting the systems. -Starfury

9. Password...whoops So I was helping a user change their password that they had forgotten on our website...I later realized I still had one of my windows with myself logged in and instead of changing their password, I changed mine. Fail. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Been there done that. Then called the helpdesk about why I couldn't login. -deedadee See this is why you shouldn't read bash at work. -DarkRookie

10. Away to the Big Dogs So I've been away for a while. I got offered and accepted the new job I mentioned in porst http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=87433 . I start Sept 10th. Gotta move, find a place to live, and get to work again. I probably won't be around much for a while. Thank you for all of the Karma and support and the laughs. Now time for a whole new set of users. The Air Farce. Sidebar: This is job number 3 in a row I have got off Craigslist. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Best of luck. Smile and nod if it is a Military Contract. Sometimes they forget civies are working there too. -MaskedMarauder good luck! -slowANDeasy Congrats, and have fun! -Grue You poor b@$t@rd. Good luck with Uncle Sam's Alcoholic Fellowship. -Necros Hopefully he'll be doing localized help and not be stuck on the USAF Global (outsourced) Help Desk. Yes, there is a global help desk, since all systems are imaged off of a common image and user rights are locked down tighter than a W80 or B61 warhead. -VoiceOfSanity is this for INOSC-E? I am working ESD-R. good luck and congrats. -jwinc7

11. Interview Karma Kindly requesting the use of any spare Karma anyone might have stored in their supply rooms. Launch them in the general direction of Shaw Air Force Base as I'll be doing an interview there today! Can't help that feeling I still don't feel prepared. This is interview number two after the phone interview last week. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments I don't think the AFB will appreciate this, but firing the Karma Kannons. -DarkRookie Naval karma weapons & gunnery on AFB inbound! (EG) -MadJack Karma Kapsules currently inbound to your location from the orbital launch platform. -AmazingKreskin Huh... well won't need to air drop.. Landing some hercs full o karma on runway 2. -Harm Requisition received for four units of Mark 1, Mod 0 karma. Should be outbound on the first transport. -Voz Karma Airlift underway, cleared for KSSC Runway 4R. Clear, temp 84, pressure 29.93, winds 070 at 3, visibility 10 miles. -VoiceOfSanity Sending all I can spare, hopefully my cold won't come along. -Stryker One Interview went well. Project manager said he was very impressed. Also he said "when" not "if" when he mentioned the hiring manager sending a job offer in the next couple days. Unused Karma kegs and unexploded Karma bombs will be returned to the depot. -ravensentinel For some reason, I thought you were in a different part of the country. Congrats on the positive results to date, and good luck with the rest of the process going in your favor! -Grue

12. Tech self-LART RE: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=87349 - The person that enabled port security was actually the Chief networking guru. Apparently, someone was putting wireless routers on the network. Needless to say, he no longer has access to my server rack switches. Luckily, he didn't get into the iSCSI backbone and "play". All the little virtual machines are now happy again and my hatred for the color red is re-affirmed. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments So, does that fact that they have "Chief" in their title, mean that nothing is going to happen to them? -Stryker One actually port security would have a hard time with a wireless router, as most SoHo routers only present a single MAC. It's usually easier to catch them from the other side and detect their wireless signal. -McSmiley @Stryker, Nope, nothing happened. I just have control of my switches again. -ravensentinel So put him in a red security shirt and have him beam down with a landing party. End of problem. -VoiceOfSanity I remember our security team 'wardriving' around our office (1,800 people) looking for someone. -AngrySup

13. Boss? So my supervisor is retiring today and apparently the person taking her position in the interim is the most incompetant arse of the entire organization and was just hired about a month ago. I've managed to talk myself out from under his thumb and now directly report to the director. Not sure yet if that's good or bad. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Depends on whether they're also vindictive as well as incompetent. -AmazingKreskin No. She just can't make a decision on her own. She's the deputy director while the usual one is gone to a different area for 4 months. She always has to confirm everything with him and won't commit to anything. -ravensentinel At least she is committing to be non-committal -DarkRookie " have you come up with an Opnion?" " Yes! I'm undecided on stripes". -Harm "You die. She dies. Everybody dies." /Heavy Metal -AngrySup "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." -Captain Trips

14. Nuclear grade self-LART This has to be the ultimate in customer self-LART! http://notalwaysright.com/thickheaded-as-thieves-part-2/21041 [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Love it!! -SillyGirl Not that any of us would EVER do anything that's technically possible but illegal. *cough* Megaupload *cough* -MisterCommon

15. Weird Morning So I arrived at work, early as usual, and I haven't a single email, ticket, or failed backup or job from last night, and no one came running when I restarted 2 of the servers. I'm skeerd. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Cue Twilight Zone theme -skippytpodar Waaaaiit for it...... -Spacegoat It's all a dream, mate. Just wait until you wake up - you'll be two hours late for work and your crackberry will be screaming at you that all the servers are down. -Gromit /me releases the gremlins into RS's server. GOOD LUCK! -DarkRookie Odd.. but i'm sure something will go HORRIBLY wrong and everything will balance out.. or you wil get home after a sureal day.. only to discover a Gorn on your couch and wake up :) -Harm

16. Normal Afternoon So...morning went swimmingly without a single incident, other than the fact that yet again, my computer is still Vista. This afternoon....that's a whole other bag. First, I am being sent to Ft Sill, OK. Does my company want to send me direct? Noooo. They want to send me to 5 different airports so I can fly within 5 miles of Ft Sill vs. a direct flight and land 45 minutes away. Second, my company is now inquiring about who I actually am because the DoD spells my name with an O and the state spells it with an A (JonathOn vs. JonathAn) and now they’re starting to ask questions that are steering in the direction of me being an identity thief…or terrorist, I can’t be sure. Next, I am given the project to make a movie. I ask if they want widescreen or standard and they say widescreen. I work my magic, burn the DVD and they're gone. 45 minutes later, I was in a conference center during the conference trying to explain the difference between 16:9 and 4:3 and why one won't fit or look right on a 4:3 screen. Naturally, I was to blame...and now I want a good stiff one after receiving a good stiff one. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments I knew something would happen -DarkRookie ya tempted Murphy dude... -Harm Next time, make three movies: one in 16:9, 4:3, and standard (whatever ratio that one is). -unrenowned 4:3 is standard... -DarkRookie DR-only for video. Then there's Cinemascope, Panavision, 70 mm, etc. -Captain Trips Make it in at least 8 formats.... -FuzzyElf

17. Consolidated single point of failure So the printer consolidation they, $big_brother, wanted is still going on and we have at least one building 90% done...until they, whom I told this would happen, realized the error of their ways when a certain user broke the $26,000 dollar machine by slamming a door shut, thusly breaking the $2 magnet that lets the sensor know the door is closed. Now no one can print or copy. Now, I have figured out a way to "rig" it, so if anyone opens that door again, the machine will be broke again until I come "reaffirm" that there are no user serviceable parts behind that door. Taking bets on how long until the first "breakage"... [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Which door? One of the paper trays? Couple hours. -redevil34 A lesson from BOFH on how to protect equipment is in order...all you need is a mains plug and some romex. Unfortunately, once the lesson is applied, there is a very good chance that the unit will no longer be serviceable. -Griffin2020 Prolly still won't stop the lusers from trying -DarkRookie the problem with that is, they'll keep slamming the door in a vain attempt to try and "fix" it. Padlocking the door shut "might" get the message across more effectively. -McSmiley We have a couple of large HP color printers. These printers have a little door towards the top that when it's not taped down (yes, taped down) will cause the printer to jam. People have been known to remove the tape, causing the printer to jam. *sigh* -VoiceOfSanity Mount a security camera (probably doesn't need to work or even be real) looking at the printer and post a notice of its existence. -Stryker One No, it's the door where all the toner, waste trays, etc. are. -ravensentinel

18. User Self-LART So have a user that is generally quite...until something goes wrong. Then he's in your face "reminding" you every 30 minutes or so that "I can't do..." whatever they can't do. Backstory: User can't use the scanner on his desk because the printer/scan driver for the one down the hall, which he incisted on having access to (because it's color), for whatever reason over rides his current scanner. Well, I've been installing/migrateing about 15 servers in the past 4 weeks...and he asks me every day, seeing my office littered with equipment and boxes, weather I can come look at it. The job could take 10 minutes or all day, so I kept putting him off to get my more important job done. So the user decides to jump over my head straight to someone he knew at level 3 support. They need a ticket number to fix anything, which I hadn't submitted yet...and now may sit on the problem another 2 weeks just for that. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story

19. Sysadmin LARTee So apparently my password expired for the web portal to do my time sheets. I emailed the person that manages it. She reset my temp password to "Unworthy". I think this is my sign to leave while it's still my option. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments ...I am so unworthy... -srteach Is your name Wayne or Garth? -MisterCommon

20. What tools? So, we got our new servers in, but the OS image given to us is in an ISO format. So we burn it and start the installation. No virtual drives appear. Low and behold, we're then informed, "Oh, by the way, you have to inject your own drivers first" to which I wonder "With what magical tools are we supposed to do this with?" [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Oops.... -Grue WinRAR and 7zip can open the ISO format. There are lots of free CD authoring programs (Ashampoo for example) than can create a ISO file. -Wraith556

21. Right there with ya Linus Torvalds on Tech Support - "I'd probably turn to drugs and alcohol to dull the pain." Couldn't have said it better. http://www.linuxtoday.com/developer/2012042200241OPSW [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments No probably about it. -bumblingalong Tech support while on drugs and alcohol, that could explain the smile on the face of the guy in the new logo... -WebJester

22. No rest for the weary So yesterday, I was late 4 hours to work because I slept through all of my alarms after being up the previous night with one of my soldiers and his wife till 3 am as they had their baby. I was unable to reach anyone when I did get up, so left a text with one of my many bosses and went about running frantically to get ready. Well, I got a "talking too" by one of my bosses, but other than that, the rest of the day went by fine. Today, apparently, one of the gov't side workers threw an absolute fit apparently and wanted me to get leave without pay, make up the time, and hurry up and fix all his issues. Keeping in mind, I have not been late for over 8 months, have not taken a single day off that wasn't a federal holiday, and have not taken any sort of vacation since I've worked here in the past 4 years, and if I wanted any time off, I have no one that can or can be trained to do my job. Off to update my resume....</vent off> [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments That sounds like all the more reason, to schedule a vacation, some place remote, like say a fairiday cage where your cell phone won't work... -virusjtg Take a vacation or even a staycation and relax. As for the phone...it does have this mysterious thing called a "power button" that can be used to silence it while you're not working. -Starfury To be sure, take the battery out. -Stryker One To be even more sure, use a sledgehammer to take the battery out. But for optimal results, thermite does wonders. -Lusus I assume you are a contractor. Tell the Overpaid, under worked (I was one, So I KNOW) to talk to your supervisors' supervisor. If they keep on, then report them to HR. HR takes a dim view of that sort of stuff -beatmewithstick OOPS missed the "one of my SOLDIERS part" Ask the offender if he was in the military, of not, tell him to STFU and tell your commanding officer. -beatmewithstick I am a contractor and military. Reserves now. -ravensentinel

23. To be porn, or not to be porn Has this ever happened to you? http://notalwaysright.com/accountants-and-their-blue-tape/5661 Had something similiar happen to me, but in front of me. Awkward moment....bondage and all. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story

24. Yin and Yang Today, in a dual role, I will be both the cause of and fix for all technical issues. (one of those days) [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Beer, the cause and solution to all of life's problems. -0gr3 Bacon, beer and steak - the cure for what ails you. -ecoli I love those days. I say "You launch this and you've got a disaster". They say "Launch it". Disaster ensues. They say, "Make it go away". And as I do, I receive all of the blame for the failed project. -AngrySup

25. Tornado weather Silence is golden...except when you work in a datacenter and all of the sudden all of the UPS's kick off setting off a cascade of shutting down servers. Apparently there was a huge storm outside and tornado's touched down around the Augusta, GA area sending the power grid into a tizzy. All is ok. But wow, not used to hearing such a quite building. Even my typeing is now loud. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Yes, Mother Nature can deliver the most intense blow jobs. -Stryker One Its worth the money, new house, and new car -DarkRookie Funnier still is when the shipping container sized UPS's fail to work properly causing the generator to never spark up. No beeping, no klaxon's, no "This server is shutting down" just darkness & silence. Followed by the sudden realisation not all of those drives are going to survive this. -fearmyroot

26. Stupid User Trick #589 The user will call you saying their email isn't syncing. You walk them through a few steps and about 30 minutes later, you go to their building and office only to find they had sorted their mail by when it was recieved and they had minimized the "Today" listing. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Happens all the time in my organization... -JoeLugian

27. Drinking vs. Good Idea's So $friend has some great idea for some website she wants to share with me. She asks me this via text. "Want to go over to $other_friends house for a bit? I have an good idea. Plus, you can drink there." My natural requirement is to shoot off a trolling comment to the effect of: "Drinking and good ideas are rarely good ideas once sober." Somehow, that confused her. I may actually require a drink to tolerate the stupidity of this "idea". [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments dunno.. i've had a few great idea while drinking that were still great idea's when sober. -Harm Harm: That's what they told you. -lineswine

28. General Technician So apparently, for me to purchase new servers to replace the old (over 9 years old with less than 1 GB memory, single core, single processor, IDE RAID) current DC’s, I have to get a General, yes, as in wears stars on his uniform, to endorse my purchase. I’ve seen these people spend $120k on new airplane radio sets (that’s just for one), but my meager $15k purchase requires someone whose like 15 steps over me in the chain of command to make the purchasing decision. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments That's because the military sees IT needs as a support-side cost center, as opposed to a warfighting resource. -Grue We are a training center, not warfighting. So those radio sets aren't going in planes. They are as much a part of the trianing as the computers in the classroom the students require to do their lessons/enter answers/grades, etc. Though your point is valid. All is fine and good until the DC finally dies and their communications no longer works and they wonder why. "Well sir, had we had those new servers I requested 6 months ago, this probably wouldn't have happened for another 10 years...if at all." -ravensentinel <da> At least it only took a general's signature, and not an act of congress! </da> -MadJack @MadJack - Believe it or not, there has been talk of this system "according to XXXX regulation" needing to be reportable to the OMB and Congress. Lets not go down that road. -ravensentinel The difference is this: in the eyes of the command, the radio sets could be placed in an aircraft to be used in a combat situation. But the servers could never, in any situation be used in warfighting. This is the same mindset that has the Blue Angels and Fat Albert as combat assets, when the F/A 18s the Angels fly have no weapons system installed (but, in a simple matter of a few hours, they could). -Griffin2020 What you do is make a second request. A request to upgrade the DC's and you make it so damn'd expensive to upgrade them, that the previous request for newer models look cheap. -unrenowned Reportable to the OMB and Congress? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!11 Ay yi yi... -MadJack griffin's comment made me think of the "wingman" novels: the hero restores a Thunderbirds' F-16 to fighting condition after all "war" aircraft are destroyed... -Erictheblue

29. Network Failure What really happens when the network goes down at work - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsYtgvfvI-I&feature=player_embedded [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story

30. Trouble Ticket Tribbles Trouble ticket: "The distro list you just created with the email first.xxxx.last@mail.mil was mispelled. You spell XXXX as XXX. Please correct." The ticket went off to enterprise support. An hour later, the ticket gets kicked back by a "Josh" with the comment, "Not enough information" and reassigned back to me. Come to find out, enterprise support wanted some other template of information filled out that seemed like it was written by a lawyer. Information I have never had to fill out for any other enterprise ticket I have done. Well, I filled out all the questions with "N/A" as they didn't apply, and just for a mini-LART, I re-assigned it back to him...after letting it sit for 3 days (they have 4 days to close any ticket from open to resolution). [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments "Why on earth do you need to know my maternal grandmother's blood type" "It's on the form, we need the form filled in completely." -Captain Trips

31. Memo to Customer Service http://www.jumbojoke.com/memo_to_customer_service.html - I need to copy this to a few of my service provider's. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments I'm certain I've seen a longer version of this somewhere... One note, if you do decide to post this to your service providers, do not include the contents of the cat's litter tray as this writer claims to have done. In North America, as in the UK, this can bring charges of posting noxious substances through the mail, which can easily net you a term in Federal prison. -chazz Dually noted. I do not have a cat, so this would mean I would have to chase one down...not happening. -ravensentinel Wow. This is damned similar to a letter I received when working for a car manufacturer. Right down to the deposits from the cat litter. Still amusing as all hell. -GrizzledBear "highly skilled bollock jugglers"...tee hee! -lineswine

32. To work, or not to work.... So got up this morning at 3 am to get ready for work. Headed in, and the parking lot is empty. Usually by now it has at least a few people are in. About an hour or two pass and no phone calls, emails, trouble tickets, etc. None of the other office doors are open since I got here. Come to find out apparently we had a 4 day weekend and no one seems to have told half of us. And they aren't paying me overtime for the work I did on a non-work day. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments You'd think if no one was going to be there they would have locked the doors or something...And how do they just forget to tell half the employees, "Oh, yeah, don't bother coming in Friday." -RDMcMains I had it many times where I work that they let everyone go early before a Holiday and forget to tell the IT staff. I'll be working right along in the server room and finally step out and the building is empty. I'm like WTF? They did it to me again. -Gunpe Here's how: VP is in charge of Manager A and Manager B, each of which are in charge of a division consisting of about half the company. VP emails Manager A and Manager B, instructing them each to email everyone in their division to let them know that Friday is part of the holiday weekend. Manager A forwards the message right away, and half the company is notified. Manager B has inadvertently set a rule in their email client to automatically mark messages from VP as read and file them in a subfolder. -AmazingKreskin Being the only IT person here, ya, I get missed on most pieces of interesting information like this. But if something is broken, by god every employee in the building is at my door. -ravensentinel Uh, check your local labor laws. Here in California, if you are called in to work and there is no work to do, you MUST be paid a minimum of 2 hours. And this qualifies - they screwed themselves by not letting you know, and they HAVE TO pay you for it. It's the law. (Or would be in this state, I don't know about yours.) -Captain Trips @Captain- if raven is salaried, then a 2 hour minimum wouldn't apply... -Aelin236

33. Peggy from HP Customer complains that his home printer is not working correctly (not printing from IE but will from anything else). I tell customer I do not support home devices as I cannot see the error or problem for myself. I recommend the user call support for the device. The next day, said customer complains saying he called HP and he got "Peggy". Confused, I ask him was Peggy able to help him. Come to find out, he was unable to understand the guy and was referencing the commercial with Peggy from Prime Credit! Apparently his wife was able to understand Peggy better and it was fixed my installing Mozilla. I got a good laugh from this. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Sounds like someone needs to take retraining course. -Stryker One <da>Maybe the default printer in IE was set wrong.</da> -Omega

34. Earthquake Checkin We got hit down here in GA...how's everyone else fairing? [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Down south of you in Tampa. Felt nothing. Everything still on the walls. -DarkRookie Felt a good shake here in NC. Everything seems to be fine. -Gunpe http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/08/23/quake-hits-near-washington-d-c/ - Love this little gem of a line "Twitter traffic suggests the quake was felt all over the East Coast" which validates this comic: http://xkcd.com/723/ -ravensentinel Felt it in Rhode Island! I'm on the 3rd floor of a 3-story steel frame building and felt the whole thing shaking. Scared the $#!+ out of me as I've never felt an earthquake before. -SalParadise Geez, it was only a 5.9. Here in SoCal we don't even feel any below 7.0! -Captain Trips THIS. Tho, glad there wasn't any serious damage (so far) in the area; I've got family in DC. (They report it's all good where they are, and they've spent plenty of time in Cali, so they were as ready as anyone can be for it...) -MadJack Sheesh...I get back from LA to Upstate NY sunday night, and I thought I was safe from the earthquakes! -gashach The epicenter was apparently in Mineral, Virginia, where it peaked around 5.8 or so. We felt it just a little bit here in NYC. -AmazingKreskin For the records, I'm alive, and just a bit too north and west of the action. -Seamus Shaken, not stirred in Suitland (just outside of DC). Building I work in may have sustained minor damage. Condo and family are all OK. -Grayhawk Just enough of a rumble to make my Wii wobble here. I thought it was the wind, but it was silent outside, and if the wind were strong enough to shake anything, I'd have heard some banging and clattering. -linuxmatt Next to the Ohio River in WV here... I work on the fourteenth (top) floor of a deteriorating building that's almost a century old, so THAT was fun. No damage, though, and my legs finally stopped shaking about two hours after walking down thirteen flights of stairs in heels. -Seamyst All is well here in Richmond/Glen Allen. -udoshan happy not to have been slinging line in some crawlspace--oh wait, that's always -stiffarm I felt it in Pittsburgh. I checked with someone with the company that I work for, and I was told we did not have a disaster plan for earthquakes. We USED to, but some consultants told us to get rid of it. -Park7 I barely noticed it (east of Pittsburgh). The cats flipped out. Roommate had to email from work before I realized anything had actually happened. -AnneBWalsh ? *grins, on holiday from the Sunny Isle of Rhodes, Greece* -lineswine

35. LART Perfection http://notalwaysright.com/how-to-make-them-as-silent-as-a-mouse/10844 - I get similiar problems all the time. Luckily, they all know well enough to know not to get obnoxious. Though the astonishment on the faces of those people for whom I walk into their office and plug their speakers/keyboard/mouse back in and everything starts working again and walk out without a word.....PRICELESS! [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments I NEED A NEW MOOOOUUUSSEE! -Seamus I'm sure this LART has been mentioned here before... -RDMcMains @RD- I'm certain you're right. But it's still amusing. -Aelin236 @Aelin - I totally agree. Talk about your 'All is known' moment. -RDMcMains

36. Wifi neighborhood leech from hell http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2011/07/hacking-neighbor-from-hell/ - The quote that got me: "Ardolf downloaded Wi-Fi hacking software and spent two weeks cracking the Kostolnik’s WEP encryption"...yet earlier in the article they mention, he used his "hacking skills" to terrorize the neighbors. Good story though. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments One prevailing comment that people seem to have latched onto: "Two weeks to crack WEP!? NOOB!!!" -RamenMcTavish LOL, didn't even look at the comments. But did read on to see he had 3 guides on how to crack WEP and still took 2 weeks. -ravensentinel 2 WEEKS? fraak i have scripts that will do it under an hour...IF that. -Harm Huh. Two weeks. I THINK the current record is 30 seconds ... -ralphp1024 Gotta start somewhere -DarkRookie They said he was a malicious hacker... they didn't claim that he was _good_ at it! -Voz Sad to say though, if the people he chose to victimize didn't have the kind of legal and investigative resources that they did, you can bet that one or both parents would be rotting in a jail cell and the kid whisked away to foster care with no hope of ever seeing his parents again. -RamenMcTavish He's no hacker. He's a pedophile who is so pissed at being accused of being a pedophile that he effectively proved that he in fact IS a pedophile! -Captain Trips Yet another reason why I don't use wireless connections. I had enough trouble when I lived in an apartment with a tenant in the building next door calling the police saying I was leaching his wi-fi. Luckily the police spotted that none of my networking equipment was wireless capable and I had a ASDL modem clearly on the table beside the PC. The only suspicion the tenant had was that the computer was set up beside a window that faced his apartment. Normally my blinds were closed but he saw the PC when I opened the blinds while cleaning. -Wraith556 You've nailed it, Trips. I've been following the story up here in the Twin Cities, and this guy is dirtbag first, tech second. Hobby hacker, at best. -Voz *facepalm* He forgot rule number 1: Never hack from home. -MisterCommon So, what's the record for cracking WPA2 with a 64 character, randomly generated, alpha-numeric key? -Stryker One Stryker1: using the Amazon GPU cloud, that costs about $3. How long depends on how many GPUs you bring on line. -chazz I set up a WEP network just to see how long it would take to crack. Using Airocrack in linux, I was able to crack a network streaming youtube to my ipod exclusively in about 30 seconds. It's a deterrent, nothing more. -linuxmatt <fta>Over months and months, he inflicted unfathomable psychic damage</fta> Do NOT mess with this guy!! -daeglo I took him two weeks to crack the encryption because he only had one hand free. -clockkingfl

37. The case of the missing INI configs So, we have a program that untilizes an INI file that is stored in the system32. After createing a new site and some software upgrades, we had to add a few lines into the INI file. Well, for me as an administrator, all the changes worked fine. When I log in as a regular user, they do not. After about 6 long hours or re-writeing the new software to include very verbose error codes than the normal ones, we come to realize the new lines we wrote in the INI were not being seen by the software and therefore THAT is why it wasn't connecting to the new site. Then all of us remember..."oh ya, Vista/7 use virtual stores for files in sensitive areas!" and we look in the virtual stores of the user accounts, and low and behold, multiple copies of the INI. Delete them, and why look at that, it works. Needless to say, after that long long debugging/re-programming session, we all felt stupid we forgot about that, and now we all need a drink. Sadly, not a single one of us, out of our international dept of 16, even thought of this. I'm the tech/sysadmin here on this site. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments lol. You must not have to work with Terminal Services much, either. :) -TechMama Thank the deity, no. We had to learn about it in class, and even in a controlled classroom, it still didn't work right. We thought about it for about 10 microseconds....then my eyeballs started bleeding and smoke came out my ears. -ravensentinel Every time we make an ini change (value, new key, whatever), we search the entire friggin' O/S drive for copies of the INI file, rename any except the primary as backups (.ini -> .ini.yyyymmdd) and then launch the app. It's a pain, but was the lesson taken away from a very similar experience to your own. -virtualchoirboy

38. Rimshot New hobby: Inserting unnessecessary rim shots randomly through class where nothing is funny. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments I have an app on my android for that - it's probably the most-used app I ever downloaded :) -Diptera If you're stuck at a desk, http://instantrimshot.nl or a better idea http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/interactive/a5bf/ -MisterCommon App on the android for that: "Guy walks into the doctor's office. The doctor tells him you need an operation. Guy says "I want a second opinion." Doc tells him "Okay you're ugly too". Badoom Boom!" </The Outrageous Okana> -MadJack Android Market -> Search -> Instant Buttons by CremaGames. I enjoy using the Falcon Punch bit after looking it up on Urban Dictionary. -unrenowned

39. PTSD So a few small details. My office is also the server room, maintenance room, etc and has a sort of half door where the door is split in the middle and you can open the top or bottom and there's a small shelf/ledge on the bottom half. Also, my office is in the almost dead center of the building. So every morning when I come in, practically everyone passes by to go sign in and sees me eyeing away at my monitors with a general look of concentration which is usually misread as either boredom or anger. There's this one guy, Mr. Annoying, who thinks he needs "to help wake me up" every morning by slapping his palm on the top of the door shelf crashing any train of thought may have had into a smoldering pile of toxic waste....and of course makeing my heart jump three feet to the left. What a way to start a morning! [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Turnaround is fair play? ++ some Office space stylin' talk? 'Soo <slurp coffee>, yeah, I'ma gonna need you to...' -LDFeral Hmmm, because you're startled out of your concentration, you accidentally delete the entry you were working on? Like a certain user's account, maybe? -Voz Superglue some drawing pins head-down (point-up)on the shelf before you leave, then get in early and wait for arsehole to impale his hand on them. <evil grin> -Gromit Thumbtacks. The same color as the ledge. Just scattered on top - that way you have plausible deniability. -Ramblin Can you say 'hostile work environment'? I'll bet your HR dept. can. -WinterWolf I would go for the "Spilled" Vaseline or water. Completely harmless but it would be a good accidental, invisible and annoying substance to slap your hand on... -AniMaL Damn it Ramblin, you beat me to it. -MrsCheezil Water. With live power cable ends running into it. -Geminii I had a low cubicle wall, bordering a "corridor" thru open-plan-land, and got much of the same. Cue 32k ingenuity... a small planter basket, engineered to fit the top of the wall, and some lovely, VERY prickly cacti. -32KofRAM nah, nah, nah... Place a piece of sheet metal on the ledge painted the same colour as the ledge, add a doormat on the floor infront of the door that is soaking wet... apply 220 to the plate ~ BAM! problem solved. -GoblinKing

40. Don't tell Marines they're in the Navy So, lesson learned. Don't tell Marines they're in the Navy. Had to help this retired Marine guy who works with me get his webmail forwarded to his Army Exchange email. Well, apparently he has a Navy salutation on his webmail account and I asked him "Oh, so you were in the Navy..." at which point I was immediately cut off and given the long story of difference between the Navy and a Marine. I decided not to tell him the Marines are a part of the Navy and just forwarded his email and made sure to leave his "seaman" salutation in place. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments That's a long standing point of contention for the USMC. And the easiest way to piss them off. -PolarCoyote Might as well tell an older Chinese or Korean "Oh, you're Japanese?" ... LONG history of problems there. -ralphp1024 So a Marine and a Navy seaman both go to the head at the same time. After both men used the urinals, the Navy guy made hsi way over to the sinks, while the Marine turned toward the exit. The Navy guy turns and says, "In the Navy, they taught us to wash our hands after taking a piss." The Marine called over his shoulder on the way out, "In the Marines, they taught us not to piss on our hands!" I understand the rivalry on an intellectual level, but not being military myself, I doubt I will ever really 'get' it. -AmazingKreskin Want a better way to piss off a Marine? Refer to them as 'soldiers'. Better yet, don't. Most will probably take it in stride, though some will politely correct you. -RamenMcTavish Do not use terms like "jarhead" "squid" etc if you were never in the military. You dont have the right. -burrkiss "Hey! Saucer hat your bibs on backwards" is always one of my favorites. -Lokiz If you're in boot, never tell your DI that you only enlisted in the Marines because you couldn't get in the Air Force. Source: a thoroughly thrashed Marine friend. If you want to hear some funny stuff, go talk to a Marine or two and ask about boot camp; it's a wonder that DIs don't moonlight as comedians. -RamenMcTavish Speaking as a Marine. The Jarhead was wrong. He Was in the Navy. Look at the USMC seal, “Department of the Navy”. http://tinyurl.com/4odcp33 - Wounded marines don’t call Medic, they call Corpsman, the Navy medic. Then there is the Marine tradition of calling objects by their Nautical term. Hallway = Gangway, Door = Hatch, Bed = Bunk, Bathroom = Head. So, as a Marine, I like the Coast Guard served in the Department of the Navy. But whatever you do, don’t try to tell me I was in the Army. Dem’s fighting words. -Year9595 More: Once a Marine, always a Marine. So, as the guy was Department of the Navy when an active service Marine, is he still Dept of Navy as an inactive Marine. -Year9595 There used to be an old joke that the purpose of the Marines were to ensure that bullets and shells didn't reach the ships offshore. I could use a few users in such capacity... -VoiceOfSanity 9595 beat me to it - although there are 5 armed forces in the U.S., there are only three departments: Dept of the Army, D.o. Navy, and D.o. Air Force. Coast Guard and Marines are under the Department of the Navy. (Why does one department control three forces, seems like if there were a revolt they would win three against two.) -Captain Trips A friend, wanting to piss off one of my other friends, came to the door. And just before I walked out, leaned waaaaaay over, stuck his head around the corner, and bellowed down the hall to my other sleeping friend and her husband.... "Hey squid! get up!". -AdmiralLaurie Actually the Coast Guard was part of the Dept. of the Treasury, not the Navy, until recently when control of it was handed over to the Dept. of Homeland Security. -ecoli Let's not forget the other two commissioned branches... the Public Health Service (that outfit that C. Everett Coop wore was the actual uniforn) and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Just like the other officers, they're paid the same and get the same benfits. -VoiceOfSanity Marines also don't like being reminded about the huge amount of gay porn that is produced in Oceanside, CA (the town next to Camp Pendleton). -MeanDean @ Burkiss: Having spent the first 21 years of my life in San Diego, trust me: 'squid' and 'jarhead' are probably the kindest terms used. 'Just another Gomer fuckhead from the Midwest' was a more common and accurate descriptive. -MeanDean MARINE’S = My Azz Rides In Navy Equipment Sir NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself ARMY = An’t Ready “to be a” Marine Yet AIR FORCE = Chair Force. How does the Navy win a gun fight? Park the ship 2 miles off shore send Marines drink coffee. Ya I’m a Squid lol. -Crai You guys already got most of the good ones. Tho, technically, the Coast Guard WAS under the DoT, NOT the DoD/DoN. (Now, o'course, they're under DHS.) -MadJack reminds me of an old joke where a junior Navy lieutenant says to the Commander, "Sir, there's a M-A-R-I-N-E in the R-O-O-M..." -CTYankee I always thought USMC stood for Uncle Sam's Misguided Children. /I've read a shitpot of SEAL books. -edventure

41. Audio cable or testicluar exam??? http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/6094/toofunny.jpg Because when I go to buy audio cables, I feel the urge to give myself and others a testicular exam... [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments ...while staring at a poster of Barry Manilow. -ravensentinel Why is the colour poster of Barry Manilow, in black & White? -Holdfast Pass that picture of Jane Lynch down here to room #4! -ChildofCthulhu $151 for a book on how to examine your balls???? Feel your nuts. Anything there that wasn't last month? If so, goto dr. If not, continue rubbing nuts and finish the job. -burrkiss It took me a minute and then LOL -VIPERsssss ...it's not a book. It's a model of testiculars. :) -ravensentinel That's just bollocks. :) -Gromit Rubber model of nads... SO... MANY... POSSIBLE... REPLIES... BRAIN... HURTING... -PoglaTheGrate I'd put the plastic 'nads on the knobs on the entertainment center, then put the Manilow poster in front of that. Then NO ONE would change the settings. -BurlyJ Nononono, here's how it works. step 1) paste retouched photo of overly chunky man, legs somewhat apart, the splayed portion over the knobs you want left alone. 2) cut holes big enough for the, model, to fit through. Add a feminine assistant just above. Glue on yarn or string for the hair. Watch somebody roll backward, faint, or laugh. Best done with a stereo system. -AdmiralLaurie

42. Best Buy crackheads http://www.bestbuy.com/site/AudioQuest+-+Coffee+39.4%27+HDMI+Cable+-+White/1267764.p?id=1218245464814&skuId=1267764#BVRRWidgetID And just so you don't have to wonder, that's rouchly $55 dollars a foot. Guess that $10-$20 I was being raped for for a 6 foot cable wasn't so bad now. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments O.O WTF? -Seamus read the reviews. -Icelator Sent this to a friend/vender and he can make me one for $2199.99. He's not sure about financeing yet though... -ravensentinel Amazing, my favorite part is one review -- What's great about it: Parts of it were shiny -- What's not so great: ice cream doesn't have bones -Mer Best one "Hey you. Yeah you, Sliced Bread, your out, $2,000 cable, you're in. My ATARI has never looked better." -0gr3 Pshaw, sir. At only 44$ a foot, it is a bargain! Much like my 2$ a drop vinegar! http://www.costco.ca/Browse/Product.aspx?Prodid=10342611&search=vinegar&Mo=10&cm_re=1_en-_-Top_Left_Nav-_-Top_search&lang=en-CA&Nr=P_CatalogName:BCCA&Sp=S&N=0&whse=BCCA&Dx=mode+matchallpartial&Ntk=Text_Search&Dr=P_CatalogName:BCCA&Ne=4000000&D=vinegar&Ntt=vinegar&No=8&Ntx=mode+matchallpartial&Nty=1&topnav=&s=1 -LDFeral Hey, just do a Google Shopping search for that brand, Audioquest. Sort by price, highest to lowest. You'll see this isn't their biggest ripoff -- 8-foot twisted copper speaker cables, at about a grand a foot! That's right, over $8,000 for an 8-foot set of speaker cables! (But the twists are just the right size and shape to eliminate the least bit of harmonic interference, the wires are 100% 24-karat gold plated, etc. etc. Yeah, the Randi Foundation has tried to be all over these people for years. Kind of makes me want to go into the ripoff business. (While you're at it, look up the Wattgate $148 power outelet! It's a Levitton Pro with the mounting tabs gold plated. And about a $145 markup!) -Captain Trips Companies have always been doing this -it's called "branding" (as in "burn the customer.") Remember tape decks? Those tape head cleaning kits with their special applicators and expensive (like $5-10 per ounce) specialty tape cleaning solution? Really, all it was was a Q-tip and a bottle of colored rubbing alcohol! Well, now it's audio/video cables. -Captain Trips The vinegar id pay for...why? cause it is 25 years of work. that cable? 25 seconds. -gashach My favorite comment: "I opened the box, and Best Buy was also kind enough to include a litter of newborn kittens!" -Trillian richr up there with this: http://www.amazon.com/Denon-AKDL1-Dedicated-Link-Cable/dp/B000I1X6PM -McSmiley I had a mate that worked for Tag McLaren Audio years ago. They were selling platinum sheilded cable for around $150/meter -PoglaTheGrate

43. Yes, skip the foreplay Thank you to the user that just called regarding an email sent earlier clearly stating "go to site, follow the instructions there" on which the site clearly is marked in numerical sequence with instructions that apparently need more dummy proofing; you have given me my bestest EUPOTD. "Alright, on that email, do I HAVE to do the steps in order like 1, 2, 3 or can I just skip to the end?" To which I reply "in order" to which she retorts "but I only need that last bit don't I?" My thoughts were two things: "Yes, you can skip foreplay and jump right to the good stuff" and included a samurai sword. This is the same user that walked to my office one day holding a power cord asking "where does this go?" as if there's any other holes it'll fit in upon which my next question I thought was “why are you holding a piece to your computer? You are dangerous enough with a mouse.� How she has a job in or near by building is still a mystery to me. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Apparently since she wants to skip the foreplay, she would like to have the power cord shoved right up where the sun don't shine I guess... Without lubrication -CrystalMare "Where does this go?" - why, you strip one end, stuff it up your a$$ and plug the other into the 120 outlet. It's for cranial-rectal inversion therapy. Try it! -ecoli "Do I have any openings this man might fit?"</history of the world, pt 1> -AmazingKreskin BZZZZZT! O.O That tickles! -AdmiralLaurie ecoli, she'd cut off the wrong end. -Jeckler "...can I just skip to the end?" "Sure. Go ahead. Click on the Setup.exe file to install the program _before_ you download the Setup.exe file. See how that works out for ya..." -Voz Jeckler: I don't see the problem. They'd still find a way to plug the wrong end into the wall, and if anything the plug up the orifice would just make it harder to pull out when things go wrong. -Splunge

44. Evil. End user wants a special report to basically take the place of a current hand jammed report. I run through creating, testing, editing, re-testing, resubmitting and finally getting approved on the format that the customer asked for in the first place. Meanwhile, another project or two become priority so his goes to the backburner. By this point, I’ve only got basically a spreadsheet template of the final site. Afterwards, the EU comes back with a new spreadsheet and immediately, I cringe. Now the EU would like the whole thing changed to fit in his new spreadsheet he created while I was working on other stuff where the whole structure is diagonal vs. the previous which wasn’t among a few other changes. I think I may accidently set his office door on fire. Keeping in mind, as everyone at $work knows, I'm not a web dev, DBA, etc. I'm a mere sysadmin who needs to realize my sanity will go...sooner or later...weather I like it or not. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments yet another cartoon for you: http://www.absurdnotions.org/page4.html panel 4 specifically. -Erictheblue Yup. The Hooterville job description, where you flip the sign and change your hat/nametag when something else needs doing...That's what happens when you're the only one in the building who has evolved beyond grunting and banging rocks together. -ChildofCthulhu ..........then I expect my last 5 months pay in cash when I get there.......... -burrkiss I remember when I was a mere web DESIGNER and they came along and announced I'd be the new SQL Server DBA. And that I'd be writing DTS packages to migrate data back and forth from Oracle. Ah, those were the good ol' days. :| -MrsCheezil I'm doing now the same things I was doing 15 years ago. Except now apparently I are the expert! -TieDyedDinosaur

45. Software Redumbancy II Bought a Star today and got this: "You did enter an e-mail address or the format was not liked by my filter, I'm aborting an attempt to send you a confirmation email" Followed by: "an confirmation email has been sent to the email address you provided." Couldn't resist. [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments Hawk has mentioned that he is not proud of the coding of this site, but that it was very early in his career... and now he's too busy to do it over. Me, I put up with the occasional glitch for the sake of chuckles and community... -chazz True. A situation I think we've all seen when something we've gotten done expediently turns out when we look at it later to not be as smooth as we could have done it, if we had done things then the way we do them now. <insert here too many examples from my own experience> But, if we can't laugh at ourselves... -Voz you have to love my Engrish... -Hawk somehow this made me think of something really silly in an online video game: i couldn't think of a name, so i clicked the button that said "suggest a name". (chooses one at random from a list) it came up with "dickinson", then i clicked the "ok" button and it came back with "that name is inappropriate,you can't use it". somebody slipped up there! -Erictheblue It's cool -- no one said this site had to be the prettiest on the web in order to give us what we need/want. Hawk, don't fret about it! -Captain Trips Just Barely Good Enough - that is the design mantra we are now working towards at my work, and it seems to be the same here. If it aint Bach Don't fix it -PoglaTheGrate

46. Software Redumbancy So this morning, $boss's air card from $dumb_vender comes in. The instructions say "Follow $install_program setup and instructions. DO NOT insert device until prompted." The interesting bit of all this is, it didn't come with a CD. Instead, all the software is on the device itself. So how precisely am I supposed to run $install_program and not plug it in dear $dumb_vender? [By: ravensentinel] Comment on Story Comments But you WERE prompted! Plug it in when the boss tells you to install the damn thing already. -evolvedstarfish This would be where I'd call support to ask that very question, if only to see what the responses were. I'm twisted like that. -SalParadise "To open box, use tool that is included in box." ... winrar_installer_for_win.rar -Seamus Reminds me of a long time ago, when I was looking for a free C++ compiler, and found the source code for gcc. -linuxmatt @Sal, I wan too so bad. Unfortunately, we can't call the vender directly...we have to call some other third party person to talk to the vender. Can't recall why we pay for that position.... -ravensentinel Reminds me of bomb disposal on an episode of M*A*S*H -- "Next, cut the wires leading to the arming mechanism." <snip> "But first, remove the arming mechanism." -Captain Trips I remember that, Trips. "Sssst! Sssst!" "What did you spring a leak?" -KrazerKap Actually, the problem of how to compile GCC is a classic one. In the days when a given UNIX computer *didn't* come with GCC as standard, the normal routine was to start by compiling "minigcc", a cut-down version specifically designed for compiling with the weird and often broken C compilers supplied by commercial UNIX vendors. Minigcc would then compile an unoptimised version of full GCC. This would then be used to compile an *optimised* version of full GCC. Finally, the optimised version would be used to compile another copy of itself, and if the two turned out identical, there was a good degree of confidence that the whole creaking pile had worked successfully! -Chromatix The password for your new email account has been emailed to your new email address. We've included a crowbar inside the crate for you to use to open the crate. The combination to the locked parcel is included inside the parcel. -OgdenTechGuy the recursion.... it tastes like burning! -slowANDeasy

Customer Misconceptions

2. No, I will not use my XP disc to re-install every computer in your house. Yes, I can get away with it at work because they bought a license that says I can. [2012-06-07]

3. Me Misconception: Trying to use my smart card to log into this site will not work. [2012-05-29]

4. Because you tell me you are not receiving email, then you mention that you aren't receiving it on your phone, then you let me know it's your government email address you can't receive it from and it's not that you can't receive, it's that you can't send and you show me and you have an iPhone that is not government issue (breathe)....none of this means anything after you just admitted to carrying out official business on your personal phone and I confiscate it. [2012-05-29]

5. User is told by $big_boss to make it to where the VTC camera is usable from in front of the big drop screen. User decides to buy a whole new camera without consulting IT instead of simply mounting the current one more forward. User cannot use camera he just bought. User also decided to put in several drop mic's and get them installed and also needs them run through the computer. User failed to realize that neither the camera or microphone system is certified for government use. User excuse "I'm just doing what I was told". User receives verbal lashing and user now has a robotic web cam that we cannot use and now has a 1 star General’s spot light on him for wasting time, money, and not using proper channels. My bad. And this is just day 1 of this week. [2012-05-29]

6. That I will not email everyone in your office and let them know to tell you I have yet to hear from you and you have failed to answer any of my emails, calls, or messages and I've been waiting 3 weeks now. (it's not a ticket, or I would close it. Waiting on said DA to do his job and simply click an approve button) [2012-02-27]

7. That the bathroom is a good place to ask technical questions...about your personal PC....that you let you kid on....and now it has pop ups...and I have a hangover. Being nice is not a requirement in this situation. [2011-11-08]

8. That by bugging me day in and day out, sometimes hourly, about your account and your computer, that anything will get done any faster. Threatening to go to my next teir level support will only get you kicked right back to me. They have your ticket and they have 4 days to respond. It has been 2 days and you know this. Had you and your company done things properly and got all your information together BEFORE seeing me, all of your packets wouldn't have got kicked back and had to be re-submitted. (/end rant) [2011-09-30]

9. That sending me a screenshot of the document you want put on the website followed by a screenshot of where the document is on the FTP site is the same as just emailing me the document. [2011-09-01]

10. That if the email is down, I can still send an email to tell you this. I would also like it if you didn't go rattleing off to my non-techie boss that I wasn't keeping them up to date on these issues. [2011-06-30]

11. That just because you give me more computers to fix/image/break/wipe/whatever, doesn't mean I'm getting more done than I was before. [2011-03-31]

12. That when you send me a blind email asking for "computer downloads" whose body starts "Requesting software programs..." and goes on to mention "homework for intermediate class", I'm...A) Going to know what you're talking about, B) know what software you want/need, C) realize you were actually asking for VPN access, D) decipher the rest of the message, E) figure out who you are when you sent this from someone elses Outlook then signed it with your name, F) forgive you for the horrid grammar, and G) be able to stop myself from thinking/saying 'F--- off'. [2011-03-23]

13. Supervisor misconception: It is somehow my fault you failed to communicate which point of contact you wanted. Also, even though you are too busy to submit my paperwork, I am never busy and when you need some info for said paperwork, I should have it to you within the hour. [2011-03-11]

14. Just because you haven't learned to use a telephone or follow directions yet doesn't mean I need to dail all of your phone numbers. It's very simple. Stupid in, stupid out. [2011-02-02]

15. Actually a tech support misconception: Just because you like working through your lunch doesn't mean I want to work through mine. I was having a great dream about.... (backstory: this came from a warrenty dept calling me about a piece of eqiupment I can't work on) [2011-01-13]

16. Manglement Misconception: Just becuase you've had the tasking for 5 days (that had a 6 day deadline) doesn't mean I'll be able to magically pull your ass out of the fire when it doesn't get done. There was probably a good reason why it had a 6 day deadline. [2011-01-07]

17. Just because I fixed something for you this morning doesn't make me your personal tech for the rest of the day. This also includes bugging me when I just walked in about "that thing I said I'd fix in the morning". [2010-11-17]

Tech Rules

2. Your company will buy a new piece of software that you were never told about and you will be asked to install it, then when it doesn't work, you will be expected to know what the problem is, then when you don't know, they will suddenly realize that maybe you should have been consulted in the first place. You will, after 2 weeks of fiddling with the software, find out it was never compatible with the OS you are currently running. [2013-01-10]

3. I do not provide instructions for my personal enjoyment. Please read them before you call me 12 times for a 5 step process. [2013-01-08]

4. Expanding one of your servers virtual hard drives while there is a snapshot present will result in you having a heart attack when the host restarts and your production virtual server does not. [2013-01-04]

5. If your higher support creates a migration capability, it will be dubious at best. Also, it will also spectacularly fail when your network team is lazy and does not believe they need to be involved in migrations. [2012-11-20]

6. Operator Headspace and Telepathy Failure - When a user finds his computer is no longer working, then instead of contacting a sysadmin, they first, attempt to fix it themselves, then second, tell their supervisor they can't do anything, and third, do nothing and expect that you already know about the issue. The typical final result several hours later is...you guessed it. It's your fault, not only for it breaking, but for not knowing it was broken. [2012-10-15]

7. They will beg for Windows 7. You will finally be given the go ahead to start pushing it out. About halfway through getting it deployed, they'll also finally give you those PC's and laptop's you requested 8 months ago for lifecycle replacement....and all of your work will promptly be doubled. [2012-09-24]

8. If you see me at my desk and I have and am eating breakfast, it's probably likely my day has already not started well. You stopping by to "say hi" is highly recommended against by the local tour guides. Do not disturb the sysadmin while they are eating in the wild. [2012-08-24]

9. Should you need to schedule a power outage, even though your directors will take your advice anyway, always consult them on the dates you chose if not merely just to "keep them in the loop" as they will be offended when you send an email alert for a planned outage that they were not looped in on it. [2012-08-21]

10. The moment you start looking at getting another job, somehow your director will find out and will realize that you are an asset and that maybe you are actually getting overworked and underpaid. He then starts ringing you regularly and directly instead of having his secretary do it.....and gives you his personal cell phone so you can call him back about the job situation. [2012-07-27]

11. 1. just because I am sitting in the office, does not mean I am "IN" the office. 2. If I don't answer the support line because it's before hours; this doesn't mean come to my door and assault me with questions about things that have nothing to do with my job or yours. And please stop asking how my car is doing. It's not your business and you’re not a mechanic, so buzz off. 3. I have not had nearly the recommended dose of caffeine this morning. [2012-07-02]

12. No, it is not alright for you to decide, without consultation of the sysadmins, to enable port security on EVERY switch. Watching our entire infrastructure, section by section, farm by farm, turn red; this has a tendancy to cause not only lots of phone calls and screaming, but can quite possibly incite a heart attack. Back story: They enabled port security, but "forgot" we are running virtualized servers on most of our systems that can handle it...and needless to say, once port security saw the multiple MAC's transmitting on the servers connections, it promptly shut them all down. [2012-06-29]

13. In your next/current job you will eventually find one of these. http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/white-trash-repairs-there-i-fixed-it-if-it-works-dont-touch-it.jpg [2012-06-22]

14. 'It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission' is no longer applied to the Domain Users group. [2012-06-22]

15. No matter how many times you tell your users that such and such service/server will not be available as of this date and time; even if you are nice enough to give them 3 weeks notice, you will still get half of your users that will ask "Is the server down?" [2012-05-21]

16. A watched "Time Remaining:" status will stay at 51 minutes for ~3 hours then suddenly change to 6 hours remaining when you look away. [2012-05-21]

17. The minute you take the SAN down to migrate it to a new OS, everyone will ask you for anything and everything and only the things that the documenation you will need to accomplish said task will be on the SAN you just took down. [2012-05-21]

18. TS House rule: If I get a new game (Diablo III), the hard drive I install it to will fail midway through the download. After getting a new drive and getting it downloaded part way again, the OS drive will fail also. [2012-05-16]

19. Even if you are the first one in the building so you can do that server maintenance to clear the error that's been annoying you, as soon as you shut off the server, someone will show up asking if the server is down then question you and your equipments reliablity then proceed to insult you to the effect of "I'm copying everything back to my desktop!"....to which I want to inform them "Your profile is stored on my servers anyway...."...Muwahahahaha! [2012-05-11]

20. It's amazing how a hair-on-fire issue, if ignored, becomes a non-issue if left alone long enough. During my server install the last 2 weeks, a user kept telling me how his old broken Xerox scanner won't work anymore after installing the new Xerox work center drivers (which scans). He "reminded" me every hour or so that it was still broken. Now, two weeks later and done with the installations, and haven't heard a peep from him. I want to quote MIB "Yours; old and busted, mine; the new hotness!" [2012-05-09]

21. If you are here to maintenance the AC units, just because you think I know computers (slight understatement), doesn't mean you get to stop working to try to explain every minute detail about all your family network and computer issues. You will however get a detailed explanation of my consulting fee's and my card. [2012-05-02]

22. You will know percisely who all the pot heads are in your schoolhouse and how many of them are your coworkers when you park at work and they greet you "Happy 4/20!" [2012-04-20]

23. Dear Boss. Your email will get lost if you don't remind me once in a while. I will forget whatever "thing" you wanted me to do 4 weeks ago if you don't remind me. You will call me accusing me of not caring and joking around and not believe a word about the 4 projects, 3 applications I am building, 28 work orders, 14 purchase orders, 2 scripts, and multiple days of general maintenance I am single handedly handling and think I am joking and kidding. I will lose my raise. Thank you for the motivation! [2012-03-26]

24. Admittedly stolen from Slashdot: Microsoft: Re-inventing square wheels. [2012-03-25]

25. The moment all your explorer windows go dark or stop responding; mentally, your head drops with a sigh and the thought scrolls through your head "here they come." [2012-03-20]

26. Server hard drives will fail on the same schedule as when your warranty expires. [2012-03-19]

27. Despite what everyone thinks, just because I am IT, does not mean I support and/or know everything about anything with a plug. Just because the drop ceiling happens to have a projector and screen built into it, doesn't mean I know anything about drop ceilings. [2012-03-15]

28. http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2012-03-11/ - This WILL happen. It will happen more than once. You will cry everytime. [2012-03-12]

29. Only when the server hard drives crash will you notice that apparently someone, in a fit of brilliance, had cancelled the task that did the nightly backups and you were cataloging blank tapes. [2012-03-06]

30. Nothing beats the feeling when you spend two days tracking down a problem that has shut down your entire operation only to find the problem was actually user input error. [2012-02-09]

31. If you get called in the previous night to fix an issue and are unable to fix the issue until you can call vender support in the morning, your boss(s) will incist you go to xxx meeting and talk to yyy about zzz issue. You will not be able to call vender support until 3 hours after your shift started due to all the explaining, emailing, documenting, reporting, etc. [2012-02-08]

32. It will require that you only get 2 hours of sleep and have a hangover to come to the conlusion that none of the symptoms add up, so check if the database is corrupted. [2012-02-08]

33. When the ticket queue is empty and all else is done or awaiting parts/someone else, Metallica on the radio is the best!! [2012-01-27]

34. If you, the low technician and administrator, have to deal directly with tier 3 support, you sill spend more time filling out their paperwork and argueing about why the ticket to remove a letter from a name isn't done in the last 16 days than actually getting the work done. Had the tier 3 person done his/her work correctly in the first place and actually R E A D the request and typed it as I had, we wouldn't be having any issue at all....oh, and since you screwed it up twice on the same day, I will find you.... /rant off [2012-01-26]

35. Useing the words "FOLLY BANGER" in the subject of any email will net you many odd virtual looks. [2012-01-23]

36. No matter how detailed your instructions, telling someone to "Login to the website" is not detailed enough. Even if it's the same way they log in to the computer, and every other intranet website every day, they still need a walkthrough on the process. Do I just have "gifted" users? [2011-12-28]

37. Someone, somewhere, will get the idea that changing an acronymn somehow makes the product work better. [2011-12-19]

38. Before you realize it, you will install a patch, your server will restart, and so will your VM's hosting the website. And the VM's will hang...and so will the rest of the server. And then comes the time where you have to power cycle the server and pray. [2011-12-19]

39. On migration day, you will do all the backup's of all the data that is important and after you rebuild the RAID array, you will realize you forgot ______ (ie. huge script) and suddenly the 1-2 day migration just got extended... [2011-12-16]

40. If you "push" all the people around you to do their job so you can finish/start doing yours, eventually someone will get pissed and tell your boss you are stressing them out. [2011-12-01]

41. I cannot rename the servers after various lifeforms, beings, tools, wibbily wobbly things, etc from Dr. Who... Nor can I rename my computer TARDIS, and rename the admin accounts The Doctor. [2011-11-22]

42. If you have to go into emegency surgery on sunday, on friday when you return to work, everyone under the sun will ask you "are you ok?", "feeling better?", "everything alright?", etc. every time they pass your office. This will be repeated by the same people weather it was 5 minutes ago or two hours. Returning looks of disdain will result in accidently giving your boss that look which will be returned with the "fine, I won't send you home on a half day with full days pay" look. [2011-10-14]

43. When you recieve a support call from someone at extension 0666, this problem will be interesting to say the least...and it was, at least to them. [2011-10-07]

44. On monday you will have an email from last friday asking for a report on information that doesn't exist in any database and the person asking for it will also be vacation this week and will have an out of office auto-reply telling you to contact _______ who also has an out of office auto-reply telling you to contact the other person. [2011-09-26]

45. It has now been proven it is perfectly possible for a user to do a restore too far and require technical assistance. [2011-09-19]

46. If you plan to do all those little projects today, you you be informed that "oh, by the way, todays a half day" about 20 minutes before lunch just as you started to move some users profile to another computer. [2011-09-16]

47. If you are furiously studying the a test you are taking that day (like today), every little miniscule issue will be brought to your attention...while any other time no one will tell you until the boss comes and asks if _________ is working yet. (PS. Karma would be greatly appreciated as well since I can't seem to study in peace lol) [2011-09-15]

48. Blame the IT guy and he will reassign the blame and ensure the logs show it. [2011-09-14]

49. If instructions are clearly printed in black telling you percisely what information goes in what field and what email to use, etc....from my calulations 54 of 165 users asked will come knocking, calling, standing at your door, wait outside your bathroom stall, etc. to have you do it for them. [2011-09-07]

50. No matter if you spend several hours creating and dummy proofing a set of instructions for users to use on how to complete a piece of training, at least 10% of those will still call you wanting you to walk through each of the steps in person. That figure goes up depending on how many military officers your work with. [2011-09-06]

51. I am not allowed to say "No, I will not clean my desk because you will find something to clutter it with...like more work" to my boss. [2011-08-26]

52. (probably said before in different terms) Just as you get the report completed as the customer had requested, you will recieve 5 new modifications from a completely different party and someone else will want that report to interface with a completely different other product. [2011-08-23]

53. If you clean your office/desk/tech bench, inevitablely, a full inventory will be requested and the entire operation would have been done in vain. [2011-08-09]

54. When tech support has to call other tech support, nothing good comes of it. [2011-08-05]

55. If you're working on a patch panel and you hear "stick it in any hole" over the radio, every techician on that channel will scrabble over each other to say "that's what she said" in response. [2011-08-05]

56. No matter how important the task is, the IDS will feel you are a threat to yourself or the network. [2011-07-26]

57. Just when you think you are getting control of everything and all is running smooth again, something stupidly drastic will happen and you won't have a clue why nor how it happened and you won't check the one log that would've told you how to fix it 6 hours earlier. [2011-07-26]

58. Someone will inevitably name something "TempShare01$" and 1. ACTUALLY leave a comment or documentation about the share and 2. note in said document that the share was actually created 3 years ago. [2011-07-12]

59. http://www.stripes.com/blogs/stripes-central/stripes-central-1.8040/hackers-grab-military-emails-encrypted-passwords-1.148927 - If it is turned on and has something valueable on it, they will get it....someone will. [2011-07-12]

60. Once you have your OS deployment server set up AND working, and all your images finalized and captured, the RAID will fail. (actually happened just a few mins ago) {{cry}} [2011-07-12]

61. When listening to your phones playlist through your desktop speakers, be prepared for when that song "Who's your daddy" comes on as it will attract much attention... [2011-07-08]

62. http://work.failblog.org/2011/07/05/job-fails-it-shenanigans/ - If I had glass in my office, I would have this! [2011-07-07]

63. Never help a friend with their computer problems...especially a co-worker...even if alcohol/food is promised/provided. They will tell their friends...with your phone number. [2011-06-20]

64. That MicroCrap's error messages will mean what they say. Ie. Computer says it was unable to communicate with the WDS server. Actual problem: unattend.xml file not present. I especially love the "Unspecified Error" error message. [2011-06-08]

65. The day you feel the worst and had the least amount of sleep and you just can't wait till lunch so you can take a nap....that will be percisely the time the failover fails and one of the primary app servers decides it doesn't want to work anymore but all to co-irkers do. [2011-06-01]

66. Just because you do not know how to operate the software, it does not mean that is is "broken". Also, showing me the problem on a computer other than the one with the problem will not get us any closer to a solution. Corralary: Attempting to open a form with Windows Media Player...will fail. The form is not broken. Windows Media Player is not broken. PEBKAC [2011-05-31]

67. Inevitably, when you are the only one in your position and all people see is you tapping away at the keyboard staring into oblivion (AKA one of 5 monitors), everyone will find any reason to go tattle on you to your boss for the littlest thing. Today: Shoes. Apparently, they have a tennis shoe sole, so they felt they should get to wear tennis shoes too. To their dismay, I was not wearing dress shoes, but it got around to enough people that I had to be written up. [2011-05-24]

68. The more %crapsoft% updates it's OS, the more time I spend making it look and function like the old one. [2011-05-20]

69. Note to self: When sending instructions to users that include "screenshots", note that the O and I are very close together and you'll soon be sending your users "screenshits". [2011-05-17]

70. Just because it is the companies birthday, doesn't mean I'm not being supportive by not going to the cake cutting. I am being supportive by not interupting your day to day activities while I'm doing a domain contoller migration. Feck off. [2011-05-13]

71. If someone sends an 82MB email to X amount of people, you will have X calls saying they can't send email anymore plus one email reminding users to utilize the file server rather than fill everyone's email boxes plus one more to berate the sender. [2011-05-13]

72. Oxymoron (from email): "Raven, your HP technology at work for you!" [2011-04-07]

73. HP printer/computer/monitor won't print/startup/display. Please fix/replace/return to manufacturer/toss out window. [2011-03-08]

74. Once again, yet ANOTHER reason we should leave McAfee the heck alone. They seem to apply the "abstinence from sex" model to computing. If you don't/can't use it, you'll never get infected. [2011-02-28]

75. http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/1654/image001p.png - Code quality can be measured in WTF's/Minute. [2011-02-22]

76. If you ask me why something won't work the way you want (ie. install an older version of Java), you shouldn't talk over me and interupt me when I try to explain the consequences of doing said action for your special little purpose. Cutting me off numerous times will reduce your "explanation" to a simple "It won't."...which I did. [2011-02-03]

77. As soon as you have PFY trained, they will get moved to another department. If not moved, then they quit. If they don't quit, they're just not absorbant enough for the material or equipment you are training and stick around anyway. [2011-01-13]

78. If you don't know where to plug/unplug it, you probably shouldn't be plugging/unplugging it. If you pulled it out, like sex, you can't just stick it back in any ole hole. It tends to make the IT dept (AKA me) angry. [2011-01-04]

79. I am not allowed to mention, play, or perform the Macarena at work. Also, I cannot "accidentally" set it to play at login. [2010-11-23]

80. If I left a sticky on your computer with your computer name on it, when I ask via email for your computer's name, that doesn't mean make a copy of the sticky and bring it down to my office. [2010-11-17]

Customer Types

2. Mr. Problem This is the person(s) that always come to my door and state the obvious usually in the form of "I've got a problem" to which I always want to reply "I know or you wouldn't be here" [2012-08-20]

3. The "I want it now!" /cry customer. This is the customer comes to your office everyday if not several times a day and eyeballs his new computer expecting me to immediately jump away to his needs because you can read minds... [2011-05-13]

4. Spambot So just had someone register on one of the sites I manage in my off time. Part of that is the person puts there car year, make, and model. This person/bot put "2005 Halmatic MacBook Santa Rosa". Found that mildly entertaining. [2011-04-28]

5. The data horder This is the one that has PST files that run back for 20 years. Has 90 gigs of encryted data with over 5000 files. He also has an ancient computer which you've been trying to change for 2 years but the user is to busy to unencrypt and transfer his files. Also user complains often his computer is slow and/or BSOD's often. User also feels the urge to print every email and document he creates and file accordingly. Users printer also often doesn't work because you've explained to the user his computer is old and the printers are not. [2011-03-07]

6. The "it's slow and your fault" guy This is the customer that tells you such and such tech is running slow and its your fault and now you must fix it just for him/her. "Yes, I realize the internet is running slow and it has been for a long time. If you tell your co-workers to stay off youtube, facebook, and streaming their TV/radio shows, it would pop right along!" [2011-02-08]

Co-Worker Types

2. Holding Music Why must the nice lady on the recording tell me to "hold the line" on my wireless phone? [2012-01-10]

3. Oh, the directions have pictures!!! This is the one that, despite how simple your directions are, will only look at the pictures and try to make their screen look like the one in the instructions despite there being huge red arrows pointing them to what they should be pressing/clicking/setting ablaze. [2011-07-20]

4. The back stabber If you come to me 20 minutes before I get off on a friday on payday and ask me for a report and can't tell me what data you need and also ask for data that doesn't exist yet (he wanted student load from June 2011 to Oct 2011) and said report takes on average 2-3 hours to gather...don't expect me to smile, be happy and cheery or anything else of the like. Also, don't expect me to make the data into any of your fancy graphs for you either since you just went to my director and told him how I was being "unsavory". This is the same guy that complains because his computer hasn't been installed yet despite servers going down left and right because we're in the middle of a migration as well. [2011-06-03]

Customer E-mails

2. Subject: ADobed PDF Spell Check "The Adobe Spell Check function does not work in my Adobe Reader. Please enable it." Ummm, no. [2012-07-11]

3. Subject: Raven (1) "I'm coming to your office" User never showed up. [2012-07-11]

4. Subject: Raven (2) "Please create folder XYZ in the ABC application folder." Look lady, if you don't know how to do basic computer functions yet your desktop is littered with files and folders....just die. [2012-07-11]

5. Subject: [Ticket %%%%] Pricing "We're looking at doing it pretty soon." [2012-06-11]

6. Subject: RE: Annual AUP update "Why is the test so hard?" My reply: "What test?" Return from EU: "The one you said to take..." My reply: "Did you read the instructions?" No reply. [2011-12-28]

7. Subject: gramar checker Body: "Sir do you have a program called gramar checker." (unedited) The I-wish-I-could-reply: Yes, it's called elementary and high school. [2011-12-21]

8. Subject: COME SEE ME PLEASE (UNCLASSIFIED) "I NEED YOUR HELP Thanks. B.D." - Glad you could let off the caps lock long enough to say thanks. [2011-11-01]

9. Subject: RE: Thanks for the help! This will happen to you: http://work.failblog.org/2011/09/09/job-fails-why-it-guys-go-crazy/ [2011-09-12]

10. Subject: RE: Where's my Abacus at??? That was it. [2011-06-30]

11. Subject: help "Sir when I try to sing my email it tells me that my signature could not be found by the underlining system. So what’s up………………" [2011-06-09]

12. Subject: speakers Email (verbatim): "My speakers are not functioning. They are plugged in at the hard time and turned on. I wonder what could be the matter? " [walk in users office] "Raven, I have this cord I don't know where it goes and my speakers won't work!" [plug aforementioned cord into speakers and the speakers POP on] "Oh thank goodness!! Thank you Raven!!" [2011-04-28]

13. Subject: RE: It's done Hooked up @ 0800hrs. [2011-02-15]

14. Subject: Inprocessing "Who signs the supervisor blocks?" [2011-01-20]

EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)

2. Absolutely could not resist sharing this! So a cow-irker walks past my door then decides to come in my office. So he goes to turn the handle on my door and saunters into my office nonchalantly and proceeds to utter the weirdest sentence creating the most awkward moment of my professional career. These words slip past his lips as if no thought was given their meaning prior to the sounds escaping his mouth hole. They then lay upon my ears tickling that small child in me that still laughs at the word ‘duty.’ The words this cow-irker put together formulating a one way conversation between two males in a public forum formed the sentence “You need to polish your knob.” Silence fell upon my office and the ambiance of LED screens lit up my face as it formed back into that face I used to get as a kid when I heard the word ‘duty.’ His eyes grew wide as the cow-irker processed my laughter which was immediately followed by huge shocked eyes. I believe that somewhere in the mediocre mind of this cow-irker, cogs had turned and dust had fallen from filing cabinets of childish jokes he had not made in 20+ years because in seconds, his normally flush, wrinkled face turn a shade of red I had never witnessed before then. Then from that face, a sound…a sound that was not normal was uttered yet again as the cow-irker actually began to laugh at himself. And as a result of all of this, in the end, I now have a nice shiny knob. [2012-10-04]

3. "My screenshot is unfocused." Two words: wrong glasses. It's rare I have to troubleshoot the user. [2012-09-28]

4. "My mouse died." Me: "Did you feed it?" *customer dies laughing* [2012-08-30]

5. Me POTD: "Y u no recognize mouse?" [2012-05-31]

6. "Please do not DEACTIVATED my account!" - Not only that, but she also did a reply-all....to about 2,500 people. [2012-05-11]

7. Maintenance man: "I'm going to blow your A/C. You may get wet." Me: "Ummm, no I won't. But I will leave now." [2012-05-11]

8. "Butthole Surfers" as the boss walks by. The question to my coworker was "who is that artist?" Needless to say, she had a few questions. [2012-04-20]

9. "I can't go to the left" ... barked while two women are doing laps around the cubicle farm for lunch. [2012-03-16]

10. "The xxxxx latop is hooked up to the yyyyy network." To which I had to reply "Did you catch anything?" I don't think he got it. [2012-02-21]

11. "Can you move CTRL-ALT-DEL closer together?" In her defense, she broken her wrist earlier this week. [2012-02-02]

12. Boss: "I am evaluating your dress today."...wait what? I was supposed to wear a dress today? [2012-01-30]

13. "I screwed up." Me: "And..." [2012-01-20]

14. "Such and such computer is not working and I need to do a memo to the director as to why. Why is it not working?" Me: "Because it is" EU: "But you said it was missing a HD three weeks ago!!!" So I take EU to the PC and turn it on. Magically it works. Why won't they just listen when I told him it worked 3 weeks ago? [2011-12-13]

15. Error message of the day (which I thought this was impossible): "No logon servers are available." (while logging on the DC I just restarted. Worked after the fifth try or so.) [2011-10-07]

16. Me POTD: What's the difference between leaded and unleaded? (re: soldering lesson material) [2011-10-05]

17. Me POTD (in email to director): "After EM, you will have to log into OWA for EE to get your EE address to put in your BB." (EM = Email Migration, EE = Enterprise Email, BB = Crackberry) [2011-10-04]

18. "It does what?" Me: "Nevermind." (trying to explain to a user why they can't type in a dropdown box) [2011-09-07]

19. "There is no 'dot' on my keyboard..." while trying to explain to a user how to type in an address in the address bar because I hadn't 'sent her a link'. [2011-09-06]

20. "They all went to that black screen." - Whereby upon investigation, the power had went out in that room. [2011-08-15]

21. "Special Thanks to K for becoming a Star Member Today!" - Agent K? Didn't know the MIB did tech support. [2011-08-12]

22. "...and keep one for yourself for self keeping." (verbatim) [2011-08-03]

23. "Special Thanks to ecoli for becoming a Star Member Today!" (found that mildly amusing) [2011-08-02]

24. "Ohm's law is in a tree." Short backstory: We instruct basic electronics. Ohm's Law is one of the lesson's. The font file was missing from the computers that had the Ohm symbol in it and the software was useing a tree-like symbol utterly confuseing those students that were straight out of high school. [2011-07-26]

25. "I think my CD needs to be defragled." - There is to much fail in this sentence. [2011-07-22]

26. "Do you have a blue room?" - from some random lady that walked by that I have never seen before. [2011-07-20]

27. This one needs to go up there with "Sh*t by boss says": "So if your done pulling out..." (this being yelled down a hallway...a school hallway. Much giggleing was heard but not sure from where...backstory: we were running cable and he was guideing it around a corner) [2011-07-12]

28. Tech support POTD: "It's not a $broken_site$ issue just because you can't log in to $broken_site$. Once you get logged into $broken_site$, then it's a $broken_site$ issue." Well, if we can't log in, how percisely is it not an issue??? [2011-04-06]

29. Me POTD: "The hole is about 10 inches deep and the one I have isn't quite long enough" (had a total Burkiss moment) [2011-04-01]

30. Me POTD: "I've got more holes to stick things in around here than Joan Rivers has had in her face." [2011-03-31]

31. Via text: "How's your gay doing?" [2011-03-25]

32. Coworker via text: "Time to go out and check the pine cone!" This is referring to a previous EUPOTD from last week http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=85383 [2011-03-23]

33. Coworker: "So a pine cone is essentially a scrotum?" [2011-03-17]

34. Customer: "My printer is streaking!" Guess HP shouldn't have let those college kids design a printer. [2011-03-10]

35. To me: "Your office always seems to be in a constant state of 'in progress'. How do you get anything done?" Me: "That status update is 'in progress'." [2011-03-01]

36. Me POTD to HP: "Yes, it gives me five red beeps." HP: "Sir, are they are short or long?" Me: "Short and red." This is what I get when I'm staring at a osciliscope at the same time I'm doing a tech call for another PC while troubleshooting a fiber link. [2011-03-01]

37. Trouble ticket of the day: "Printer says it has jam in it. Please remove." I want to reply "Printer removed." [2011-02-25]

38. Server team POD: "What's wrong with $stupid_AV? Have you tried to uninstall it? I would be willing to bet if you were sitting at home just thinking of uninstalling it, it would quarantine you." [2011-01-18]

39. "If I put something up on the file server, will everyone be able to see my desktop?" The stupid attacks early today. [2010-11-17]

40. If you are going to work late, there is no need to still state the obvious. Via email the first line reads: "I'm sending an email." Keeping in mind this was sent at about 10pm. [2010-10-28]

41. Email POTD: "The &service_desk& is experiencing telephone problems with all In-bound and Out-bound local calls. &phone_company& is currently working on the problem. For further information, please contact the &service_desk& at 555-1234." At least it wasn't and email to say email was broken. [2010-10-19]

42. Merely 4 hours into the day and running on no sleep, I've already got a 'Me'-POTD: "Pea's rarely are a reason to get anyone fired." [2010-10-06]

43. EU: "I get an error when I check the receive button." Me: "What receive button?" Poor tech. This dullard wasn't one of my users so I had to forward him to someone else. To bad though. Could have got a few more out of this guy. [2010-09-30]

44. So I couldn't decide which this should go under but here seems more fitting. EU Email phrase of the day: "Many thanks from Russia! I myself would not think." [2010-09-27]

45. EU asking about a bowl of grapes on my desk: "What are those?" Me: "Grapes." EU: "No, what are they called?" [2010-09-23]

46. Sign OTD: "This door is alarmed." Sticky note below: "What startled it?" [2010-09-23]

47. "Skip the foreplay lady" still cannot follow simple directions. She's now on day 2 of a 1 hour training and just completed step 1 of 3. She stops by to ask this little gem: "So it printed out this little certificate but no one has signed it. What do I do?" Me: "Finish steps 2 and 3. Step 3 gives the signed certificate." Her: "So do I just go to step 3?" [2010-09-21]

48. Well...Co-worker POTD: [about a plane circling over head] "I think there's somebody in there." To which I want to reply with a bat but instead "Ummm... I hope so", I reply. Bright ones this lot is. [2010-09-10]

49. More like Code Comment OTD I added: \\ Abandon hope all ye who enter here \\ [very badly coded ASP page calling a very badly coded stored procedure querying a very large DB view...guess he had to start learning somewhere] [2010-09-10]