|
Here is all the content that s0ulsurvivor has contributed
to Tech Support Comedy. Tech Stories
Customer Misconceptions
Tech Rules
Customer Types
1.
Click next?
Aye. The quintessential boob. The prick or prickess who falls below the lowest common denominator that intuitive software installation apps are designed for. There are many many examples of this crack unit of rogue braincells. As follows. BTW "<>" denotes Mute. <<The standard monkey training BEEP>> CSR: thank you for contacting X Warranty service, my name is X may I have your name? CX: My service tag? CSR: mentally grumbling <ohh boy, another one of these>, Sure, we'll start with that. CX: 9xgc422, X as in Paul, G as in sex, and C as in monkey. CSR: Well then, you are a tool, and what can I assist you with today ma'am? CX: Well, I just need to install my printer software, and I'm finding the process a bit confusing (remember dear reader, the lower than lowest common denominator). CSR: Ok, we should be able to help with that, what do you have on the screen right now? CX: it says "Welcome to X brand's model Y printer installation utility. To begin click next, to cancel the installation click Cancel" CSR: Alright then ma'am, how long has this issue been causing problems for you? <your genetics I mean.> CX: Well, I've been working on this all morning, and frankly I'm frustrated as hell. I had my uncle brother Joebobnancy come by to look at it, he works the register at happygofuckyourselfmart (intimating he really knows computers) and he says it's a hardware issue. CSR: Well, that may be a bit forward, what I'd like you to do is look at the two options presented onscreen and make the best choice according to your wishes. CX: Ok your really going to have to guide me on this one sir. CSR: Certainly, click Next please and tell me what comes up onscreen. CX: Ok, but if we break this over the phone you do have to replace parts right? OK, it came up with some more stuff. CSR: <Donning protective headgear> Alright ma'am, can you describe to me what you see as far as stuff goes please? CX: Well there was this wonderful documentary about... CSR: Ma'am, the computer please, focus on the screen in front of you for just a moment. CX: Ok, it has a whole bunch of words and some EULA thing, this isn't from the EU is it, because the reverend says they are a devil waiting to strike... CSR: <polishing his AR-15> CX: And it says click next to accept the agreement and install the software. Should I click cancel or next sir? CSR: Oh pardon me ma'am, <I was reveling in the thought of abducting your offspring and castrating them so that they can't make more of you.> I'll need you to click next please, just as it instructed you to onscreen. CX: I dunno about this, did they write this program for engineers to use or? let me get my husband ok. CSR: By all means ma'am CX: Billy ray, BILLY RAY!!! Get in here a minute. Billy Ray: Can it suggarpuddin or I'll knock you up again, survivor is on. CX: I can't seem to find him, ok then, so click next you said? CSR: YES! <you backwards subhuman fleshpot, how did you manage to finance one of these computers to begin with?> CX: It's doing things, there's a bar moving across the screen now, there's some numbers moving across the screen too, it that normal? CSR: Oh absolutely ma'am. CX: So you must have a lot of patience doing this all day. CSR: oh it's a survival skill <weaving a noose out of spare plantronics cords> CX: Ok, it says it's "Done" what does that mean? Also says to finish the installation click restart, or click cancel to undo any changes. What should I do now? CSR: <Don't leave town, please> Ok, to finish the install and get your printer functional click restart. CX. ? CSR: TO. FINISH. MAKING. YOUR. PRINTER. WORK. CLICK. THE. RESTART. BUTTON. CX: Ok, you've totally lost me, some of this technical jargon completely excapes lil old me. CSR <on Expedia.ca booking airfare and accomodations/vacation days, wrangling with customs to get his AR-15 across the border> Ma'am, the button with seven things that look like letters on it, click that to make your printer make pictures, ok? ok. CX: Well that was complicated, you should send a note to your tech guys about making this easier. CSR: <Hmm, maybe the piano wire instead> I'll sure do that. Is there anything else I can do for you today? CX: well not really, your service is bad anyways, your not in Indeeeah are you? CX: No, ma'am, btw, thanks for choosing X, if you leave town anytime soon please contact me at X to ensure you get proper localized service for your PC ok? CX, no problem have a great day. CSR: <note to self, bring someone from our india division along when we deal with this customer in person> See, that is the lowest form of customer, a parasitic example of why you DON'T put the 1800 number where they can reach it guys.
[2005-09-17]
|
|
Co-Worker Types
Customer E-mails
EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)
|
