Tech Stories

2. Turds.. supervisor and customer.. PAB (Pissy Ass Bitch): Weird, I never pay more than $67 even for a game, they're all $59.99, what's the tax? Me: It's 12%, just like the HST. PAB: Weird, well, I never get charged more than $67, how come you are charging more. Me: Well, it's what the tax is, 6 times 12 is 72 and that would be... PAB: I know math, I'M A COLLEGE GRADUATE! Me: Okay, I was just trying to expla.... PAB: That's very passive aggressive, which is pretty ignorant of you being in customer service. Me: Excuse me? PAB: Ya, very ignorant of you fucking jerk... (more blah blah blah) Me: Sir, do not swear at me, if you (PAB keeps swearing over me) Okay, get out of my store and don't come back (PAB keeps swearing) Me, now on the radio: Supervisor to computers, I have some guy cussing and swearing at me I need removed. PAB: Okay, I'll wait for your supervisor and get you fired. Me; Sir, we are a family establishment, you have just cussed and swore in front of minors, please stop talking and get out of my department now. PAB: I will when you stop talking to me, you don't have to respond you know... Me: (Taking the higher ground and getting thanked by the father of the two kids) .... (still didn't say another word to him) The purchase in question was a video game that with the taxes came to $67.19. Once the supervisor was done and the PAB apologized for swearing in front of the kids but not about how he was acting to me came back to comment I shouldn't have even gotten into an argument with him in the first place. Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments And to think my wife suggested I apply to work at Fry's or Best Buy. I'm a tech, dammit, not a salesperson. -Captain Trips this stain was arguing over, 19 cents? and cussing and making a scene over it? OMG! no no no, you're kidding me. what ist his world coming to? -AdmiralWbury

3. I'm not listening... So, oddly, this is a staff member that comes in looking for a replacement power supply, I only have a Sparkle 400w in as we're shrinking inventory before a huge reno to the store. She asks what power supplies I have an I tell her that I've only got in the 400W, she asks about a 500 or a 550 Antec. I say I can order it in from the warehouse, but we're not carrying it at the moment. She asks where they are, I let her know that the 400W is in the back, the others are in the warehouse. She says, I'll take a 440W, 450W. I tell her again I can order those in, warehouse lists a 550W and a 650W from Antec, but all I have in the store is a 400W. Oh, well, I'm only interested in what you have here. Well, I've only got a 400W, nothing higher. Oh, I need it right away she says and wanders off. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

4. Face cream?? (OT) Reading Yahoo.ca news and came across this, first off, it's $150.00 an OUNCE??? Whisky.Tango.Foxtrot... but then I noticed the picture of the jar ( http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/blogs/beauty/face-off-creme-la-mer-cream-worth-150-164100404.html ) and more importantly, the two words of the name they choose to highlight, is even the manufacturer trying to say something about the people that would buy this? [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments And to think, a pearl necklace don't really cost that much. -Stryker One There was a story arc on Nip/Tuck where someone was marketing a face cream and the secret ingredient was semen, thought this was the name of it (it was at least the name of the spa). -AmazingKreskin Elder Scrolls fans would translate that to "Cream of the Elf" - aka elf semen. -DukeOfURL

5. No, it's not louder... I'm on the phone trying to explain that we can't duplicate a problem with someone's tower that has apparently blown the breaker twice since they purchased it. I have it connected on a circuit with a few other things all going at the same time and can't get the store breaker to pop. So now I'm trying to explain the difference between the power draw of a 7 year old system to the new one (650-700W p/s). It's not working, so I try this: "Okay, lets say that you have a stereo in the house that's at 25% of the max volume and I come in and turn it up to 50%. If you walk into the room would you say it's louder?" Husband (and wife are both on the phone, but he answers first): "I don't understand what you are asking." Me: "If your stereo is at 25% of it's max volume and I turn it up to 50% of max, would you say that the sound coming from it was louder?" Wife: "No." Needless to say, the rest of the conversation didn't go any better, especially with both of them talking over each other and me constantly... Where's the (alcohol of your choice). [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Car analogy? Four banger versus V8? -NightSteel After several months of doing tech support, I tried so hard to NEVER make analogies. Failing that, I would try to recognize when one analogy didn't work, and stop! -FuzzyElf

6. O/T News video. http://ca.screen.yahoo.com/baby-elephant-plays-ocean-231138164.html (someone is having a lot of fun there!) [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

7. Mrs. Oblivious. The date is Dec 23 and a customer hails me from across the department for help. I make my way there and inquire as to how I can help her. She is holding a small speaker designed to plug into an iPad and asks me, "What does this do?" I reply, "It's a speaker designed to sit on top of an iPad." She asks, "What is it for?" I again reply and elaborate, "It's a speaker for when you want to listen to music etc from your iPad." She thinks for a moment and asks, "For games too?" I reply and clarify more, "Yes, games, music, movies, any sound that you could make from your iPad, gives you a bit bigger speaker than the small ones it comes with." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments You should be happy she didn't ask you to install it for her. -RDMcMains And then complain to your boss that you made her look stupid by simply plugging it in. -AmazingKreskin

8. Blonde? Check! So, on my way into work today I'm approaching the doors to the building and see two women with blonde hair heading in as well. The first one tries the door wide horizontal handle of the door but on the hinge side so it doesn't open. She then moves to the next door to try it, but it is the next set of double doors so it doesn't open either. Her friend laughs and pulls open the first door correctly. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Two blonds walk into a bar. After the first one hit it, you would think the second one might stop. Nahh.... -AngrySup

9. Overheard conversation... So, I'm working in the techroom when I hear my co-irker talking with a customer. "The price for the iPad 16GB WiFi is $499.99." The customer asks, "What about for the 32 or 64?" Co-irker, "They are $100.00 more than the previous size." Customer says, "So what's the price for the 32?" (I don't know which to head desk over, the customer or the co-irker). [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments "$750, just because you're so special" -stiffarm

10. Carol of the Balls. (OT/SFW) http://ca.sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nba-ball-dont-lie/nba-players-dribble-chorus-create-carol-balls-video-230704600--nba.html [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments frack the NBA, buncha overpaid thugs. -HappyCrappy

11. Is this enough? So, a kid and his mom come into the store earlier and he's looking for an Elgato capture device. I locate, it's for a Mac, not PC and confirm he's trying to import his console game footage to a PC. So I show him the other two that we have, one is a Roxio product for $99.99 and the other is from Hauppage for $199.99. They leave and just a bit ago the kid came back in with $140.00 in his hand and asks for the Hauppage recorder. I'm hoping that he's got more money I haven't seen yet and ring it up, with taxes it came to $225.00 even. I tell him and he shows me the $140.00 and asks if that's enough. I felt bad having to tell him he's going to need more, he really should stay in school (sighs). [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments "Math is hard. Let's go shopping!" -- Malibu Stacy -AmazingKreskin

12. Good choice of words (OT) So, I see the story on Yahoo! (Canada) that Charlie Sheen has a patent for a chapstick dispensor and the PrimeTime in No Time host is commenting on Charlie's appearance on Jimmy Kimble Live. He makes this little slam about Charlie commenting about putting the window in Chapstick: "You're the one that put Ashton Kutcher in Two and a Half men.." Ya, like I needed that image... but maybe Demi liked him for that... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

13. Hello, this is Microsoft.. So, the other day I'm on my cell talking with a co-worker about stuff that's been going on personally when the land line rings. I look at the number on call display and don't recognize the area code. My co-worker has already heard the phone and I pick up the phone while holding my cell off to the side so I'm not so loud. I say hello and get no response, I say it again a little drawn out and think I hear something, give it a sec and say it again, yup, heard something, and finally I can hear it clearly (now that he's not talking at the same time I am). It's a man with a clearly moderate Indian accent. "Yes, Hello?" I say hello again and he launches into, "Hi, this is Microsoft calling about your computer, it seems you have a virus." I cut him off at this point because I have my co-worker on the cell and say, "Go f*ck yourself, b!tch!" and hang up the phone, needless to say, after I explain my co-worker is laughing her arse off. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I think the next time I'll ask him for the warrant info that he got to invade my privacy and if he can't provide tell him not to worry, I'll pass on his number. I'm still undecided if I'll tell him I'm giving it to the FBI for them to track them down and arrest them, or if I'll give it to my commander so that he can send in the special ops team to terminate the terrorist cell or just tell him I'm going to post it on something like goatsee. -spectreoflife The phone number on the caller ID is probably out of country, or spoofed. How thick was his Chinese/Indian/Czech/Russian/Nigerian accent? -McSmiley "clearly moderate Indian accent". LTR. :P -Omega

14. And the password is? Reading some of the back stories (I don't pop in as much when I"m not at work..) and came across this post: ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=87088 ). Funny enough, I have a repair that I'm working on that the password is 123456. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments <Insert gratuitous luggage remark here> -ecoli My favorite ever was the password used to log phones onto our ip switch, 8675309. -AngrySup Thanks AngrySup, now I have that stuck in my head.... -frprinterwiz

15. Can the HDMI plug into.. Customer calls in asking for the cable to go from his MacbookPro to a projector, after some questioning we get it figured out he wants the Apple Mini-Display Port to HDMI cable that's 1.5m long. This solves his immediate need for a connection to do his presentation tomorrow. So he finally comes in to pick it up and asks a bunch more questions, the gem of which is: "Will the Macbook be able to take the HDMI now?" He wants to plug the HDMI end into the MacbookPro instead of the Apple Mini-Display Port despite all that we've already gone over that the HDMI will be on the projector... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Just goes to show that Mac users are no smarter than PC users...and from what I've found at work they tend to be dumber about a lot of things. -Starfury in my experience, Mac users tend to neither know nor care what happens "under the hood" as long as it does what they want. -Divinar Also sounds like they were under the misconception that you were able to do some kind of IT magic on their MacBook while they had it at their house. -AmazingKreskin

16. What did I say? (P2) They come in about a half hour later to look at new systems because the one at home still won't turn on. Now... I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go through all the stuff they ask about new models etc and the old comes up. We go over the logic and il-logic again and they leave. SHE just called me to tell me that her hubby found that the power cable to the HD wasn't connected at that the system was working FINE again..... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments And you are surprised at this because...? -ecoli Because it only took him two tries to get it right! Most fishies wouldn't get it in 10. -buitre That's why the first 3 rules are "Check the cable, check the cable, check the cable." -VIPERsssss

17. What did I say? (P1) So, one of the supervisors that used to work for (store) called in because her husband was having pc issues. He was getting a message that the file system was missing. SO he comes on the line and explains that he'd been cleaning the dvd drive and physically took it out to blow it out with compressed air and when he put it back in this came up. So, this is usually a case of the cables not being reconnected properly or forgotten. In rare cases it happens that the drive fails at the exact same time, but I ask him if he can go and check the cables to the HD and he hangs up saying he will. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

18. Wait, what? Had a (l)user that walked in tonight, he was looking for a notebook with i7 and I didn't have one out on display. So, he calls first then comes in after 5 mins and interrupts me helping someone else to ask where it is. I try telling him it's not out but when I'm free I can get them out, I get as far as it's not out when he says loudly, "Well thanks for nothing! I'm out of here." My response of course was, "And you have a nice evening!" and went back to helping the first person. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Sounds like the douche-bag got exactly what they deserved. -Stryker One um, depending on where you're from, saying something's not out yet can also mean that something is not yet available on the market. (devils advocate) -McSmiley @McSmiley- we have to guess what they're actually thinking all the time, it's only proper that we turn the tables for once! -Voz @McSmiley - Except that the jerk called ahead to find out they were actually in stock but not "out on display." </~da> -Captain Trips

19. For those still working.. Yes, still working, but only 20 minutes left before I clock out for the year. So, to those still working, hope the starfish are already celebrating and wondering why their tv is flashing 12:00 clock at them. AND... that they don't call YOU to fix it :)) Happy New Year folks. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Lucky, I had to clock IN an hour before the (local) ball dropped! Ah, well... -MadJack

20. I need you to dig for it... So, this happened to me a few days ago. I was helping a guy buy some ink, one of the customers I see a lot in the store. He's dressed up which I find out is because he's going to a funeral. The problem apparently is that his wallet is stuck in his back pocket. He's digging for it, getting flustered which is when he explains why he's dressed up. This goes on for a good 15 to 20 seconds before he comes to the side of the counter and turns around. He looks over his shoulder at me and says, yup, "I need you to dig it out for me." I had a few responses to that, but the polite one slipped out and I told him I was uncomfortable with that. One of the non-polite ones was that there was no way I was digging his wallet out of his ass. Thankfully a few seconds later he got it out... his wallet that is. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I's think you covered all the diggin out your ass nome'd I could think of! -beatmewithstick His head was in the way? -stiffarm Just where IS Burrkiss when you really need him? -Captain Trips

21. O.T. N.A.R. story I think I'd be right with the clerk on this one... http://notalwaysright.com/a-warm-and-fullfilling-night-in/15288 [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I wouldn't be speechless, after all I've seen from the public, but I think my best response on the spur of the moment might be pretty general, as in, "point taken!" -Voz Sounds like he had a real stick up his arse. -ravensentinel Hawk should just put NAR in the members area like /. and LT -DarkRookie

22. Well, you could just get... Talking with a customer about replacing a damaged screen on a Macbook, eventually get to the point of asking how it was damaged and get told that the daughter put a cell phone down on it and then the lid got closed. One shattered screen. The conversation moves on and they browse around the department a bit and the topic comes up between the mother/daughter of buying a new one. At one point the mother asks the daughter if she has $1500 laying around, to which the daughter responds, "Well, you could just get a new boyfriend." I swear, my jaw should have left a crater on the floor right then. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice -virusjtg I'm trying to think of a way that at least someone could get out of this alive, but I'm failing. And people wonder why I don't go outside and interact with them more often. -Lusus I have gotten in trouble for referring to users who abuse their hardware as, "Those people". As in, "Oh, you're one of 'Those people'". -VIPERsssss

23. Pass the brain bleach.. So, I was reading this post from a couple of days ago ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/single.php?content_number=86517 ) and it made think something that would probably horrify them more. Dress as Madonna with the cones, but when she's 60+ and the cones are attached realistically... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Something similiar to what the Professor is wearing in this Futurama episode 'Neutopia' (kinda NSFW or NSFL) http://i.imgur.com/wkK21.png (runs like heck to the lart shelter) p.s. there is an animated version is this thread at the site reddit.com http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/jphe0/by_far_the_most_disturbing_pic_ive_ever_seen_in/ -MarloVino

24. Need a camera... So, I take a call from someone looking specifically for an iPad2 16GB Wifi/3G model in white only. She took a while to get to the point about if she wanted WiFi or the 3G option but that's not the reason this is being shared. We didn't have it in white and before I could ask how long she was staying she wanted to know if the store in the next town over had one. I told her I could get her the number if she liked, otherwise I couldn't tell her as I just don't know. But that's still not the reason... see, apparently she'd been on hold for about 16 mins before she got me (rang through and answered on the second ring so not sure). So, she wanted to know if she was going to be on hold talking with the other store (chain stores btw), told her I didn't know because I don't know how busy they are. She asked again, said I didn't know because I wasn't there to be able to tell her that. She asks again... I say, "I'm sorry, I don't have a camera there to see how busy they are." I get back a response of, "Well, that's a funny thing to say, you don't have a camera there. Okay, well I'll call them then." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Gimme. Th'. Bat. -vacuumtubes

25. If it smells like a skunk... Dealing with the public has it's ups and downs. Today, I've had both, at the same time. A younger man with a little girl in a stroller came in looking for Apple's latest OS, Lion. It's presently only available for download out of the App store. This however as the title implies not the reason for this tale. When I got within a few feet an... aroma shall we say, made itself present. Something about the young man, the little girl in the stroller or the stroller stunk like skunk! This of course is where my lunch tried to come up and I struggled to keep it down. It got worse when I wondered if he was just unlucky enough to come near a spraying or run over skunk. Or... if that was his.. "natural" body aroma. At least it didn't linger.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I grew up in the country, around a lot of skunks, I enjoy the smell, it brings back fond memories of my childhood....*reminisces* -0gr3 I'm with Ogr3, actually. Skunk smell (mild, anyway) is a good childhood odor for me. -Seamyst Why sell OS X Lion? It's only going to create nightmares for you in the future. http://www.infoworld.com/d/networking/why-it-wont-mac-os-x-lion-server-167787 -Wraith556 \begin{da}To be fair, that is the server OS, not the consumer OS...\end{da} -Fortytwo Growing up in the city - skunk odor usually implied a dog got sprayed. i remeber when our huskey and garage door got hit.. just barely missed my mom. don't mind teh smell much... smealls like burning rubber to me. -Harm The smell of skunk spray when it's happened a couple blocks away: not so bad. When it happens under your house: eye-watering, throat-burning, nausea-inducing BAD. Having it happen in the winter, so you have to try to air out the house when it's 35° F (2.2° C) outside: HORRIBLE. (Go ahead, ask me what happened at my place last February.) -MeanDean My cousin once let our dog out in direct defiance of my mom. The dog proceeded to "make friends" with the newest furry resident of our yard, and my cousin then LET THE DOG BACK IN so that he could run around the main floor and basement frantically rubbing his skunked self on everything. That cousin is never, ever allowed to come and visit again. -AnneBWalsh

26. NT/OT - Wonder what the other person... So, being that where I work is a retail store and there are fair sized bathrooms to be able accommodate a few staff people at a time. I was in the men's one a few weeks back when I heard someone come in and start to utilize the facilities. After a moment I hear the W/L phone that the store managers use ring. Before I can finish the thought that he wouldn't he picks up right in time for the urinal to self flush... loudly. I wonder what the person on the other end thought.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments So, a manager, answered a call, from a customer, while in the bathroom? How did he get to BE a manager? -Stryker One My former boss (2 companies ago) used to walk into the washroom while on his cell trying to make a deal. He would use the facilities, wash his hands and leave, never once stopping the conversation. -SwedishChef eh, considering that he's just asked my department manager to rearrange his day so he (the dept mgr) will probably not get a break tomorrow and I'll be setup to work 6.5 hours by myself.... I really wonder to be honest. -spectreoflife

27. O/T Way to go Boston Fans... You know, I've not watched hockey seriously for a number of years now, mainly due to how violent it's gotten above a good clean hit. I used to play so I do know it can be a violent sport. Where I'm disgusted and have lost interest is in the actions that some players seem to think is acceptable. Lets take the final series, Boston player gets his hand in his glove bitten because he stuck it in Burrows mouth... hello, are you stupid? Of course you're going to get bitten you jacka$$! Then, it's not enough that the league said he got what he deserved basically, other players have to start taunting Burrows by putting their hands in his mouth. So, ya, Boston looking like a bunch of goons regardless of skill right now. The fans are not apparently any better though, tossing stuff at Vancouver fans while at the Boston arena. Tonight after a penalty by Vancouver, a pair of guys in the picture can be seen behind the penalty box taunting the Vancouver player by miming him or them sucking a d!ck.... yup, national television guys, hope your wives know you swing both ways if you're married. /end rant. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Dear Vancouver fans: The Boston Bruins are a dirty, chippy, scrappy team. Deal with it. If you wanted to watch MLS, it's on ESPN Who-Gives-A-Crap. I think you can get it on Satellite. Or, you can just keep pelting Milan Lucic's grandparents with popcorn and beer. Because you're the classiest fans of all. Oh, and welcome to East Coast hockey. Oh, and have that Vancouver chick who flashes her boobs on national TV go to more games. You know, for ratings. -DrSteppo Dear Vancouver fans: The Boston Bruins are a dirty, chippy, scrappy team. Deal with it. If you wanted to watch MLS, it's on ESPN Who-Gives-A-Crap. I think you can get it on Satellite. Or, you can just keep pelting Milan Lucic's grandparents with popcorn and beer. Because you're the classiest fans of all. Oh, and welcome to East Coast hockey. Oh, and have that Vancouver chick who flashes her boobs on national TV go to more games. You know, for ratings. -DrSteppo Boston Bruins...so good DrSteppo said it twice! </Mangled song lyric> -lineswine

28. OT - Murphy's Law Continued Was reading a bit of the prior posts and came across this story: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=85767 and it reminded me of something that happened a while ago here. It happened on a night that a co-worker and myself were here and he'd stepped out for a sec. He'd come back with another co-worker that was doing a bit of shopping when she pipped up and said, "Do you smell MacDonald's?" My co-worker looked at me and said, "No, it wasn't me." I didn't have the heart to tell her that no wonder that some people said that MacDonald' tasted like s***. I guess it ah... drifted over from the corner. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I've always been under the impression that the only reson they called the chain "MacDonalds" was because "Shit" was already taken. -Gromit It may be, but; it's exactly the same $h1t whether it's in L.A., London, or Koln. (haven't had the opty for Asia or India yet) -AngrySup

29. One of Blizzards jokes... I know it's the 2nd of April but Blizzard still has one of their April Fools jokes going. It's Crabby (better looking version of Clippy and apparently just as liked), anyway, if you are their website, you can't get rid of him. He even talks to you, you close the text window and in 2 to 5 seconds he'll say something else. Well, he just said this little gem and it had my co-worker and myself in stitches. And.... here it is: Many eons ago, the internet was a series of Bulletin Boards Systems and Usenet newsgroups. Users traded stories shareware, hopes and aspirations and connected with other like-minded individuals until the wee hours of the morning ... or until someone picked up the phone. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Yoink! -Seamus Another gem: I was just minding my business in the high grass the other day when some hooligan kid tried to shove me into a plastic ball, mumbling something about needing to "Catch 'em all." -spectreoflife I just had to download AdBlock Plus to block the little bastard. -OgdenTechGuy In "MY" day, we had to contend with "Micsosoft Bob", dagnabbit. Damned whippersnappwers, get off my lawn! -lineswine

30. Cash drawer has a surprise... So, I've been at work for a bit today, some tech work, mostly customer service, a few sales but so far nothing that was cash. I get my first cash sale of the day and when the drawer pops open I see something that makes me go HUH??? Internally, surprisingly I don't think I showed anything to the customer, just finished the sale. What was it you are asking? Well, having a cat (he's almost all black save for a white tuft of fur on his tummy and called Midnight), I'm well used to the sight of cat toys. This one being a small furry mouse.... in the cash tray.... So, I put it in a different spot in the cash tray and I'll ask my boss if he knows anything about it when he gets back from being out to lunch. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Ah well, apparently it was there this morning when the boss started. And after he asked me if I forgot what day it was did I clue in as to why it was there. Apparently it didn't startle him either but it could have been worse I guess. -spectreoflife Odd, I have a cat that's almost all black (except for a spot of white on her throat, and her paws), also called Midnight. -AmazingKreskin I'm feeding a stray, all black except for all four feet, and a collar around her neck, that's white. She's called socks. -AdmiralLaurie Have you checked the calendar? -Stryker One And yes, that was the point of stating that I was asked if I forgot what day it was, but I didn't clue in till after. Usually we don't see anything on AFD where I work so it was more a brain puzzle then a "Hahaha, that was funny" moment. -spectreoflife

31. How does an Apple junkie.... How does an Apple junkie get his/her jollies? They wait till March 25th at 5PM and pray they get one of the new iPad2's. Yaaa....... GFLWT! (Good F' Luck with That). [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments They get an Ifix if they're an Ijunky. ok, ok, I'm heading to the shelter. -AdmiralLaurie One of my co-workers will have his iPad2 on Wednesday coming up. Yes, he's one of the very lucky ones. -VoiceOfSanity

32. What's circular? So, Mr. Obnoxious Customer Type walks into the department just a moment ago, loud, complaining, being a twit. Looks at a game and loudly proclaims that he should sue for $50 (whatever for I don't know, don't want to know). I help someone else that he's with for a moment before he comes over and asks if we have any of the flat rubber keyboards. I tell him yes, we do have some, one in the circular container and the Targus one beside it (and I take him over and point to it). Apparently the Logitech G13 gaming accessory in the rectangular box was what I'd pointed to.... I step forward and specifically touch the two foldable keyboards we sell and say, "No, these two." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments He's so used to jamming square pegs into round holes, he can't tell the difference any more. -Archonix Why would you need a rubber keyboard?...oh never mind. Brain bleach please. -Starfury We use flat rubber keyboards in places - easy to clean to hospital standards! Also has a little light that starts flashing every so often, until you clean it again. -Holdfast I wouldn't mind one of those rubber keyboards. The only thing is it would give and fold up on the bed if I typed, and also it has a weird feel to it. Otherwise, wouldn't be bad for the more than occasional coffee spill. -AdmiralLaurie

33. Odd place for a suggestion... Customer was just in, started off the conversation by yelling something I didn't catch from across the department at me. Said I didn't catch that. She starts again getting close enough to say, "You know what they need to make? A way to edit out the commercials." I'm at that point where it seems to take a half a minute before I manage to figure out she's talking about watching TV. She's continued speaking while my brain now reboots. "I know that Bell offers shows without commercials, they need that for regular TV." This continues for a good actual half a minute or so before I can chime in without interrupting to say, "Likely the reason that they don't is because the advertising revenue is what allows them to put on the show you are watching in the first place." She counters with, "Yes, but I want the choice to do so, if I want to watch the commercials I will, if I don't I shouldn't have to see them." My response after this goes on for a bit is, "Well, if you had a device to just cut it out it would likely just be dead air space." This goes on for another minute or so before she leaves and amazingly enough I resisted the urge to tell her two things, first, this was a computer department, not your cable company. Second, this conversation would be more useful to your cable company where you can convince them that you want to give them the money they'll lose by not having any advertising. Thought that was nice of me.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Three words for her: Dee Vee Arr. -Captain Trips umm.. TiVo? wtahcing online? or.. VERY old peice of technology... VeeCeeaRrrr ( aide from DVD recorder or DVR) sure the lag is about 30 minutes to an hours ( depending on the legth of the show) but The Fuck?! -Harm All I'd have to say to that is: if you think cable TV is expensive now with adverts (which it is), you've not seen anything yet. Think she or anyone else would be willing to shell out for the actual cost of cable TV without adverts subsidizing the whole mess? -RamenMcTavish We have something like what she wants in the UK. It is called the BBC. It offers all the same things as other TV companies without the c**p breaking up the middle of programmes. It also offers a pretty decent news service although it has drifted to the right over the last decade. -Holdfast Yeah, but you guys & gals in the UK have to pay for yearly TV licenses, and you get hassled by the wanna-be-Gestapo if you don't. -BayouTech Sounds like something a certain someone I know would say... -MadJack Mitsubishi actually developed a VCR years ago that would automatically edit out commercials. A whole bunch of advertisers said they would drop the Mitsubishi account if they went ahead with the product. -PoglaTheGrate But without commercials, how am I supposed to know when to go to the bathroom? -Jonos

34. Asked to erase Facebook... Yup, I've been asked to erase Facebook from one of my repairs. Aside from the humor part (just how does one erase Facebook, I'm sure it's everywhere!). I guess one deletes the bookmark unless there's stuff that Facebook adds, like games or IE addon's but I don't use it so I've never taken the time to think about it before. But ya, I've been asked to erase Facebook... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments You could also add 127.0.0.1 facebook.com to the Hosts file. Quick and dirty fix. -LinuXtreme Block, maybe, erase? Hahahahahahahahaha -redfaery I've taken the liberty of canceling your subscription to the internet. I'm sure that will fulfill your requirement to delete facebook. =D -desseb "Sorry, Zucker-what's-yer-name, yer network is antisocial... Yer outta here!" -Voz I've taken the liberty of canceling your subscription to the internet. I'm sure that will fulfill your requirement to delete facebook. =D -desseb

35. Video has failed... Customer brings in a recently purchased netbook with a video issue, stays grey regardless. So, we take it into the back and I decide to have a quick look at it to confirm the problem. Sure enough, grey screen. Start looking to plug in an external monitor to see if it's screen or board and I notice something "PLUGGING" up the SVGA port. What is it you ask? Hell if I know, semi-clear, just in the SVGA port and gummy and sticky and likely why we have a grey screen. SO.... despite this, I have to take it apart to see if there's more evidence of it on the inside.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments ...I have FAR too active an imagination... -AnneBWalsh Ya, so far the inside is clean, boss doesn't think that it's enough to cause the video to fail. The substance is almost like glue, but who knows... -spectreoflife If Elmer's Glue or such, that's conductive to an extent even when dry. -Grue Are you sure you WANT to know what it is? -Stryker One Thats totally unprofessional to post a topic about another members laptop. I expected confidentiality from your company. Your boss shall hear about this!!! I know what the substace is, just FIX IT!!! -burrkiss Ya... I'm still not touching it.... -spectreoflife wait til you see what comes up on the screen when it _does_ work -stiffarm If this from Seattle, then it was Slug residue, most likely. -TieDyedDinosaur

36. Here's the laptop... So, had a customer that was trying to migrate his Outlook emails from his old computer to a new laptop, couldn't get it to work with a USB transfer cable so wanted us to do it. Told him no problem, bring 'em down. Must have missed the last part as I'm signing in the notebook and ask him if he has the other computer out in the car still. He looks blank for a moment and then asks, "What, you need the old one too?" I politely refrained from any noises, snickers and/or snide remarks and simply said, "Yes, but you can drop it off tomorrow morning and I can work on it when I get in...." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Yes sir, you plug the USB transfer cable into both computers, you don't just plug it into the same computer. Alternatively, we can wrap it around your throat to transfer everything from your brain. Observe... -CelticSkyhawk

37. It made a funny sound... Customer comes to the counter and puts a purchase up and our security system has a part that beeps when it processes a tag on the product to let us know it's safe to have it leave. The customer of course puts his purchase in the right spot to get it to activate and jumps as the beep scares him. He comments, "I put it on the counter and it made a funny noise at me." I couldn't help myself and commented, "At least it didn't put out a funny smell with the noise." (At first I was refering to a burning smell, you know, from wiring or such and thought otherwise after... oh, that could have been phrased better). [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Perhaps HE put out a funny smell when it made the noise... -Griffin2020 Hmmm, that's odd, usually it just electrocutes the customer. -Stryker One

38. Perfect compliment to the season... Had a spell of semi-free time today (some days retail can be a pain... and today it's a pain in my knee and back, but aside from that...) and found this gem: http://notalwaysright.com/the-santa-photo-clause/9254 Enjoy! (and it sounds like something I'd say, if I had kids...). [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

39. Wow... wish I could say that... Saw this and just had to share it: http://notalwaysright.com/a-large-can-of-whoop-a-and-a-side-of-just-desserts/8419 [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Bravo!! Bravissimo!! -McSmiley If I was that kid and told my parents that lie. The first thing out of their mouth would have been" and what did you do to make the person threaten you" They would have never believed that the threat came unprovocated. Therefore I stand in shock and amazement that a parent could/would be so stupid! -RoadDemon At my little brother's grade school, a bunch of first grade boys jumped on the sinks in the bathroom and destroyed them. There was video evidence. Two sets of parents still refused to believe it. -AnneBWalsh Between the mother or the idiot son, I'm not sure which one is more deserving of an Atomic Pimp-Smack. -udoshan Kids have amazing wheedling powers. I fear for my sanity (remaining). -LDFeral

40. Phishing scam epic fail. So, I get tons of emails these days regarding my selling of my world of warcraft account or buying gold etc. All from the helpful people (scamming luser)@hotmail warning me that unless I go to their site and confirm my identity that they (or blizzard) will lock my account. Today was no exception save for 2 new ones, one of which was pretending to be blizzards hack division that you can send the fake emails to. The second however had me laughing my butt off. It was from: WoWAccountEU @ review. blizzard .com.... where the funny comes in is that apparently I'd recently requested a change in the status of my EVE ONLINE account! Awesome! Umm... I don't even play Eve Online, let alone believe that the WoW team cares if I change my non-existant Eve info. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments My son has some games that use Steam <spit> and I was having internet issues (ATT <spit>) while trying to purchase a game. The sale didn't work right because of this and they banned his account. Took me a WEEK going back and forth with support and e-mailing information on the games he did buy from them before it was re-activated. Both of us decided we're done buying any new games from Valve/Steam. -Starfury Curiously, I've had no trouble at all with Steam. My son got his account stolen (phishing scam) and got it back, unharmed, within a week. I suspect all, or at least most of, your troubles with Steam are due to your ISP... Steam does rather depend on having a good internet connection. -chazz My mom got a similar email; nobody in our house plays any MMORPGs. -Dreamstalker Same thing happened to a friend of mine, got an e-mail saying that his WoW acct was banned for gold farm spamming... The same account that went inactivate because he stopped paying for it more than 6 months previous. -Jonos i get those all the time from blizzard.. my accoiunt was hacked once about 2 years ago... and its been locked since. i havent played wow in almost 3 years. Steam, never had a problem. or tubine. -Harm I keep getting those emails about my Aion account that I've never had. And I've set up a filter to accurately identify any legit World of Warcraft account notification emails. See, only two parties besides myself know that email address: Blizzard and Reflexion, my spam filtering service. Never had a fake email come in on that account, ever. -OgdenTechGuy I get them regularly and the only MMO I play is DDO. Don't play WOW, don't play everquest but it appears my accounts there are regularly hacked. Along with my bank accounts for banks I've never and will never do business with... -Olorin I have my own domain name and run my own mail server. I am Administrator, Postmaster and all the rest. It makes certain spam very easy to spot: "did I really send this email telling myself that my account is about to be closed? No." -rurwin i recently had to switch my steam account to a new e-mail address...BUT since i no longer had access to my old e-mail account-the site no longer existed-i had to FAX them a copy of the verification code from a game had bought. one reason i prefer to buy games on CD from a store and not directly online. -Erictheblue

41. OMG... couldn't resist Okay, I know a few folks here read not always right, but I just couldn't resist sharing one of the latest posts: http://notalwaysright.com/how-to-ensure-a-blanc-stare/6958 . My first thought was hole'ly inappropriate, my second was, OMG, pass the brain bleach! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments EEWWWWW -THETECHFROMHELL Don't worry, TTFH, I'm sure he washed them once in awhile! -Voz Old age and treachery beats youth and vigor every time. -srteach every time someone says they need "brain bleach" this cartoon comes to mind: http://www.rhjunior.com/NT/00583.html -Erictheblue

42. Where to put the paper... Just got off the phone with someone that got a free (cheap in all ways) notebook from signing up for internet with (telephone adsl) and wanted to know where to put the paper for printing, tried to find out what printer they have to look it up and got told (eventually) that they don't have one of those (what did you call it?) yet (the printer I mean, just the notebook). She thought you could stick the paper into the notebook itself and it'd print.. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments They USED to make portables like that, back in the day. Back when "47 pounds" was a "light weight portable computer", that is. http://inventors.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.xs4all.nl/~fjkraan/comp/hx20/ But yah, that's about as starfishy as they can get nowadays. -ralphp1024 How about the Canon BN22 - I repaired one once - it has a printer built in - http://www.flickr.com/photos/18204997@N03/2197919268/ -Wonko The Sane It is possible to get portable printers as well. The BJ-10 series was the, er, "canonical" original, but Canon make a modern variant now. -Chromatix Once you've torn the paper from the notebook, you can't reattach it, silly fishie!!! ;P -MadJack

43. Water under my screen... Had one of our nice elderly gentlemen customers come in today and pull out his iPhone and ask us if we knew how to get water out from under the screen of his phone. Putting aside for a sec that another section of the store deals with them we just waited for him to turn it on. Sure enough we can see what appear to be drops of water at the top of the screen. He almost immediately hits an icon trying to point to the bubbles and they disappear as the app starts up. Thinking about for a moment it dawns on me that that was his background! So a couple of taps later turn the phone back to him and ask him to choice a none-bubble background and he's happy as a clam and laughing about it. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments That's actually kinda sweet. At least he had a sense of humor! -Trillian Wow. He didn't yell and scream at you for pointing out his error? -Stryker One Did you point him to the nearest boat? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU -unrenowned Mind you, it kinda tells you something about the resolution of the screen too. -McSmiley

44. Customer playing with iPad demo... So a guy that acts like he's the poster child for ADD and his girlfriend/wife/sister (who knows) that's semi-ditsy but actually knows what lightscribe is and what you can do with are in shopping. She gets an external LaCie drive with LS and explains that she needs it because the drive in her NB got knocked off. He was the one that asked how that happened and got told "I've got 2 four year olds that run everywhere..." So... while she's paying for the burner he starts playing with the iPad demo and obviously finds the keyboard app in it and is commenting about learning how to play the piano and says, "I'm going to be a pianist." She whirls and asks way to quietly for him to hear, "What did you just say?!?!" I guess she heard a different word there... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments huh... was she excited? about the pianist part i mean... -Harm Wakko: So Mr. Beethoven what do you do for a living? Beethoven: Well I'm a world famous writer, composer, and pianist. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: What!? Beethoven: A pianist, a pianist! Yakko:Thats it young man I'm going to have to wash your mouth out! -MadJack Pianist envy? -VIPERsssss Guy goes to a bar, racks up a huge tab, and offers to work it off. Pulls out a miniature piano, and a 12 inch tall pianist.Barman asks how he got it. In reply, the Guy asks if Barman has tried wishing for a 12 inch pen!s while drunk. [/condensed joke] -ApolloSZ

45. Happy Mother's Day Happy Mother's Day to those that are one or are recently one ;) [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

46. "I have a problem....." So, despite the fact that I've basically had very little chance to do almost any tech work for about a week now, and still have stuff waiting and coming in... I had a "gentleman" (up until he left) come in and want instantaeous servicing for his problem. Turns out that he bought an AppleDisplayPort to SVGA adapter TWO months ago, never tried it with his black Macbook and suddenly when he needs to use it he can't make it go. Now, unfortunately I haven't had the opportunity to do the work in the techroom and have folks that want their computers back and fixed and are starting to call for info on them. So I politely explain that I don't have a system that I can take down because the people have been waiting for them and I have no means to test the adapter, let alone know specifically how to get the video the use the external port. This goes back and forth till he finally asks where (co-worker) is and I tell him he's on medical leave, that's why I haven't been able to do techwork and I'm behind. Then he gets in about the other option which is to buy another and test it himself and look into the options himself. He doesn't like this idea till he gets on the overused idea that he can buy a new one and return the possibly defective one with the new one's packaging and receipt. This is because he doesn't have the receipt/packaging for the original adapter. I explain why this won't work (he'd just told me it's two months old). Then he gets on the idea that his visa statement will show it, I try to explain that that will just show that he bought something from the store (4 times the timeframe that our return policy is anyway) but not what it is. He starts show some anger and says oh come on, for the same amount? I start to say look at it from (store's) point of view. This is when he says that he's heard enough and walks out. I didn't tell him to make sure the door hits him in the ass on the way out, but I think I'll save it for the first annoying person on the last day... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Course if he had any brains, and your store is like most large chains, he could have just picked it up online/from another store and done. But I totally feel for you. People don't understand computers take time to fix and *Gasp* you do them in a first come first serve basis. Apparently that's thinking outside the box. -LazyLemming

47. It's a spare and not necessary... Was reminded of this gentleman that came in a bit ago that wanted to talk about his computer being slow. Throughout the conversation he mentioned a "computer tech" that he'd got into his house to look at the computer. This "computer tech" formatted the PC and then got into the computer and removed one of two identical objects saying that the owner didn't need it. I was puzzled for a moment thinking about what he could be refering to before turning around and pulling out a stick of RAM and showing it the customer. He studies it for a moment before saying that he thinks that is what it was. I ask him what happened to the spare the "tech" took out and he says that he was getting suspecious because the "tech" wanted to take it with him and made him leave it. I was trying very hard not to laugh (failed of course) but kept my comments polite and told him what it was and how it would likely actually help his slow computer. I told I'd also never invite a person that tried what the "tech" did ever again into my home or business... He thanked me and wished me a good night! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments <bombeck>"if a man shows up and tells you that Mommy is having the sofa slipcovered, the silverware stored and the tv sold, call.... and fast! If your brothers friends toss the cat in the washer, want to put it in the dryer and need to know which setting? call."</bombeck> -AdmiralLaurie That's an idea I never thougth of. Next time mum asks me for tech help, I'll tell her that the tower is unneccicary, and I'll take it away -PoglaTheGrate

48. Best Self-Lart ever... Okay, so it wasn't myself that was self-larting.. but was browsing Not Always Right and came across this recent gem: ( http://notalwaysright.com/like-himself-his-answer-was-full-of-crap/4882 ). My apologies to those that have already seen it, but this was too priceless to not share. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

49. Hackers can... So, I was reading a bit of the stories and was reminded of something a friend said to me a long time ago. It was along the lines of unplugging his phone line from his modem when he turned his computer off (yes, this happened a LONG time ago... oh shush) so that the hackers couldn't get into the HDD. I didn't think I'd heard him correctly so I asked him what he'd said, so he explained it all out as I'd heard it the first time. I tried to explain to him that without power, the platters in the HDD wouldn't be spinning, let alone would the computer even be able to respond to a single coming in on the phone line. He unfortunately didn't believe me, I took the time to think about, save myself and shut up. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Don't worry about hackers stealing your data, they will put on a malicous programme that will subtly make your monitor pulse, thereby killing you as you sit at you computer -PoglaTheGrate <da>some computers have a wake on modem option, so if a phone call comes in, the computer turns on</da> that being said, it's a fairly uncommon feature, and in order to actually steal the data, the computer would also have to be setup to answer incoming calls too. so yeah, he's an idiot -razmann if they can get the IP address of your hard drive they can hack it!</Judy Patch> -ecoli Better to be safe than sorry. After all, we wouldn’t want to unneccessarily allow the evil spririts of those CIA hackers to infiltrate those phone lines... and then, when you turn on your PC -– SHAZAAM! It is toast! Fried by those bastard spies! -Park7 Long time ago, I used to have a modem (300baud!) that would "kill" the phone line while it was plugged in, even if the computer was off. From our end, we could call out, but anyone calling in would get a busy signal. So, I would have to unplug the modem when I wasn't online, and when the computer was off. -docbrown01 Funny thing here is someone said a long time back that they should make cable modems with cameras so we can record their stupidity. Or modems with built in shock tasers or something. Give 'em a little shock treatment. -KrazerKap

50. If I want to buy another copy.... So, my co-worker was dealing with a customer looking for RAM for his MacMini (good luck with the spatula bub) and he couldn't directly identify which model he had so he decided he was going to go home and look before buying anything. I know, it's odd but some do learn... sort of. Before he left though he was over looking at software. Now, my co-worker is dealing with someone else and I'm trying to do a quote for a repair I've been working on when I hear this question shouted at me (or so I can only assume), "If I buy this program and want to buy another in a few weeks, how do I do that?" Still not totally on the same page yet, "You buy another copy?" He asks, "What do you mean?" I reply, "You buy another copy." He says, "I'm being serious." Me, "So am I...." He's now gotten close enough to see that he's holding a copy of iWork so I tell him, "If you want multiple licenses of that you can buy the family pack, it's good for up to 5 computers." He says (several times after this), "But I don't know if I'll need more than one!" I get further info that he's got two mac's, an iMac (that's newer) and a MacMini (that he's trying to upgrade enough to iWork (sorry for the pun) but not sure if it'll iWork (I know... sorry) and doesn't want to spend the $130 if it doesn't work and can get away with just spending the $100 for the single user version. I eventually manage to get away with, "You can buy the single user now and have to buy another later, or you can buy the family pack and not worry about it, or you can make sure that you know if your Mini will work before you buy anything." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Critical thinking skills are severely lacking in some people. I swear that it you put some people into a proverbial paper bag, they wouldn't be able to think of a way to get out. -docbrown01

51. Tinfoil... hat? So, I'm on a break and walking over to get some lunch and I see a lady walking towards me wearing what looks like a tinfoil hat. I'm totally stunned to see someone that actually has one on that I keep looking and realize as she gets closer that it's not quite a hat. For some reason she's left the hair dressers that is close by to do something while likely getting her hair dyed or highlighted and that's what the tinfoil is in layers in her hair. Sorry, no pictures, but should I ever get a crackberry I'll be sure to plead for release from it here. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments LOL -THETECHFROMHELL

52. TARD (tm) So, this TARD calls the store this morning before I start work to bitch and complain to other staff member that opened today that his MS FlightSim 2004 will not work with the Windows 7 PC he just bought yesterday. The co-worker that sold said PC to him got in today and looked up MS FS 2004 and Microsoft itself confirmed it will work with Win7. So he gets back on the phone and comes by muttering that the TARD was using a HACKED version he got from his buddy. TARD Self LART = 1. BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments spectreoflife = 1; TARD = 0 -udoshan It's like an onion of fail - the non-issue of compatibility, the fact that it's stolen, and that it's the (very) old version. -ThinTheHerd

53. Press 9 to end the call.... So, brand new credit card buying 3 items and it comes back declined, call for authorization. So I call the number listed for the customer and start going through all the automated hoops. Press 1 for english, enter the card number followed by the #. Enter the last 3 digits of (blank) to get to this lovely menu of choices. Press 1 to report a lost or stolen card, press 2 to change your personal authorization number, or for all other enquires, press 9 to end the call. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT.... actually, just give me the f'ing whiskey. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Possibilities: "Four for all other enquiries, press nine to end the call." "2 to change your PIN or for all other enquiries; press 9 to end the call." -Jack Press 2 for the chance to press 3 - -Wonko The Sane Press 3 for the chance to press 2 - -Wonko The Sane Press 4 to be mysteriously disconnected - -Wonko The Sane Press 5 if you suffer from OCD EXACTLY when you hear the bleep - -Wonko The Sane Press 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, if you stutter - -Wonko The Sane If you are paranoid - Just hang up, we know who you are, what you want and will be sending the men in black to pick you up shortly - -Wonko The Sane If you're codependent, please have someone press 7 for you now. If you are schizophrenic, please be aware that thing you're holding to your face is alive and about to bite your ear off. -PCRaevyn If you are an engineer, press 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288... -ecoli Man, I just had a flashback to Zork: Grand Inquisitor. There's a phone menu to summon Charon. I tried to find a video, but the only thing I could see was something with a voice-over walkthrough. -LDFeral OK, this stupid cartoon seems somehow appropriate: http://de.sevenload.com/videos/08oIxRi-Billy-and-Mandy-S5E13-Prank-Call-of-Cthulu-WMV-V9 -MadJack "To hear these options in Spanish, press eleven""I WILL F*CKING KILL YOU COMPUTER PHONE LADY" - RvB -ApolloSZ

54. "Showing your age..." More a MePotD but with a bit of back story (walked past another store close to mine and noted that the first 3 letters of the store's name were burnt out, store is Garage): Was commenting to a co-worker I should go into the store and flag down one of the employee's to tell them that their sign was broken in case anyone hadn't noticed yet and tell them, "I'm sorry to say, but you're just showing your "age" outside..." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments GROOOAANNN!! -udoshan

55. Otis spotted? So, driving to work today and I'm almost there when I see the logo of the company for the van in front of me. It's Otis Incorporated! Come up beside it at my turn and see that it's Otis Canada Inc (Elevators and Escalators). I think the link has been posted before, but I was amused enough to look it up ( http://www.otisworldwide.com/ ). [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I've always thought Otis should sponsor the Redding Festival... then it could be Otis Redding Festival. Three is a company that does lifts and escalators called Shindler. I had a laff every time I saw Shindler's Lift -PoglaTheGrate

56. Old joke? Was watching the Dilbert shows on YouTube (testing a WiFi connection on a NB the owner swears drops constantly) and in the very first episode Wally cracks a joke: Dilbert asks, "What's a mouse pad?" Wally quips, "Heh heh, feminine protection for mice!" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments The first time I heard someone from the USA refer to a mouse pad, that was all I could think of. Most of the (sort of) English speaking world call them mouse mats. -Holdfast

57. I'll take AC Adapter for... Customer calls up and tells me that they will be bringing in their notebook and has a few questions. First was: "Once I unplug it, how long does it have to be up?" ME: "Well, if you are refering to battery life usually 2 hours but if we're going to do any work on it we require the AC adapter to be left if the work is going to be longer than 2 hours." "So, what you are saying is that if I unplug it now and it takes an hour to get there you can only work on it for an hour?" ME: "No, you have to turn it off, unplug and bring it in with the AC adapter and then everything is done in the order it was signed in. We don't schedule repairs as it has not worked for us in the past." "What's this AC adapter you keep talking about?" ME (suffering from brain lock): "Umm.. that's the part you were talking about unplugging from. (listens to the dead silence) You know, the part that you've plugged into the wall." Her.... "Oh... okay." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

58. Cell phones + Car.... Well, not so much a cell phone but eventually she did seem to use it as one! Yesterday, I'm driving to the airport to drop someone off and we see a young woman driving a nice looking (for the moment) Honda as we pull up to a stop a light. The reason why she grabs our attention? She's not talking on her cell phone... nope, it's a CrackBerry and she's TEXTING on it. Light goes green, we start off, and watch as this waste of a being continues to watch what she's texting even as she starts driving. Felt like stopping at the next light and asking her what she's going to do after she gets in an accident? Punchline? If you're still alive, stop texting and dial 911. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Way too much of that going on... I seem to recall that last month, two public transit drivers got into accidents while texting and driving at the same time, one on a commuter train, one on a bus. And I think NY State has just a law forbidding texting while driving. -chazz Alabama also is either in process or has passed a no texting while driving law. I forget which. But next up is no talking on cell phones at all while driving. So how many more tickets to be written because work insists you answer? -PCChaos It's quite simple.. ifwhen the law is passed in your jurisdiction.. keep a copy on you. When someone tries to bitch you out, hand them a copy and ask if they'd like to pay for your ticket and accept the points on their license. -NightSteel We're getting no using a cell phone at all (text/voice, etc) unless you have a handsfree kit. End of oct apparently. -desseb Unless you *have* a hands-free kit? If it's really worded like that, I see a loophole big enough to drive a bus through. While texting. -Chromatix In the UK it's not only an offence to use a cellphone whilst driving unless you use it hands-free, but if you have an accident whilst using one hands-free you're done for driving without due care and attention. They've even introduced "safety cameras" in the Gromit's Retreat area that spot and record drivers using cellphones or not wearing seatbelts as well as speeding. Y'know, it STILL doesn't stop the bastards. -Gromit "Car to watch out for: Any car whose driver is drving and on the telephone at the same time. Technology has broguht us these self-important twits. You know, if cell phones were invisible, these people wouldn't have them, the whole idea is for you to see the phone, so you know that they are busy people........they're reaching out, that's what they'd tell you....well, reach out and JERK ME OFF!"- George Carlin -mechajock Maryland just had a "no texting while driving" law go into effect as of Oct. 1st. One wonders if this applies to "sexting" as well... -Grayhawk California passed the 'must wear a headset law' but I don't know how effective it is. There is a Distracted Driving law on the books which pretty much covers anything you're doing other than driving. Personally I don't think that anyone should do anything but DRIVE THEIR CAR when in it. Pull over to make a call/text/update facebook/yell at the kids. -Starfury I have a hands-free device, I like it. It seems to insure that I get zero calls while wearing it. The day I forget to wear it, everybody and their brother wants to call me. -Stryker One In Cali? They still ignore it, it's impossible to enforce (mostly due to not being able to see the perp texting unless a traffic cop's stopped at a light next to them, sees the texting going on AFTER they step on the gas, and pull them over. Rare, at best. Good idea, the no-texting laws, but useless. And, apropos of nothing whatsoever, didn't Obama just sign an executive order regarding texting while driving? As usual, a not bad idea still difficult to implement and impossible to enforce. One more nanny-state idea that doesn't even have teeth. The only enforement is if the driver enforces it upon themselves (like that'll ever happen). -MadJack

59. Where do I put my... Customer comes in and after the standard greeting says that he was talking to the gentleman that was working here last night (I wasn't here, wonder who qualifiies for that title...). Apparently he's setting up Skype and wanted to what his "Sky" name was. He kept talking and finally pulled a little piece of paper out of his pocket and got it right and wanted to know where to find his Skype name. I told him that his Skype name was whatever he choose when he signed up. He still looked confused so I asked him what he picked for the name when he was signing up. Apparently, he was still at the signing up stage. Is 10:30am too early for a beer and a shot? [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments never to early - its always 4 pm somewere -Harm steak and whiskey sours, Mark Twain's favorite breakfast -stiffarm Depends. Is the shot (of alcohol) for you, or the shot(from a gun) for him? Actually, the answer is the same in either case - no, go ahead. -VFox VFox, you drink Depends! You sick f**k! <evil grin> -CTYankee

60. Self-LART *sighs* So, last night I'm about to hit the sack and grab some sleep (I know, what's that?), I notice that it's starting to lightening and thunder and getting closer. So, I turn it all off and hit the hay. Part way through the night I'm brought awake by the sudden silence as the power goes off and the AC shuts down. 10 seconds later all is right and the power comes back on and I go to back to sleep. Fast foward to the morning, I turn on my computer and feel my heart stop for a moment, my monitor is showing a no input and going to power saver mode. Check the headphones and hear the windows boot chime. Power up the second computer and check a folder share, it's up and accessible so system is good. Figure I'll test the monitor on the other system, crawl under the desk and start to get the video plug off. Puzzled by the extra lines on the video I suddenly remember the KVM I had to access another system a while back that's still connected. Figure, okay, I'll unplug the video from the KVM and test it directly. About this time I recall that I hadn't hooked up my PC to port one on the KVM, tap the button and watch as the desktop makes a glorious appearance.... DOH! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments \At least all your equipment was up and running, even if you did have to skip your morning coffee to avoid a heart attack. -AdmiralLaurie I use the software on my UPC to do a shutdown if without power for more than five minutes. It's always nice to turn off the PC yourself, but you're not always going to be around for that. -BarmanVarn

61. Does it go on sale often? So, I get to work at a reasonable time of 12:30pm today and check in with my coworker for the day how it's been and as we're talking this nice elderly lady comes up and askes about ink for her Canon printer. My coworker jumps in and starts answering her questions about a double pack of ink when the customer says, "They certainly are expensive." CW: "Yes, they don't make their money on the printers, they make it on the ink." Customer: "Do they go on sale often?" At this point my coworker looks at me as I try not to burst out laughing, all of our ink have nice big "sale" signs on them with the reduced price. Coworker looks back at her and says, "Yes, they frequently are on sale, right now they are on sale till the 29th of March." Cust: "Well, you see I don't get the flyers anymore, I cancelled my paper." Coworker hands her a flyer, customer asks, "When does this start?" Coworker: "That flyer is on till the 29th..." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

62. Dilbert of the day... A while back I made a comment, "If you stick your head in the sand, it still leaves your ass in the air to be kicked." Well, apparently today, Dilbert's boss hasn't heard that... http://www.dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/40000/4000/400/44417/44417.strip.sunday.gif [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

63. Wiki Explanations I was reading ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=78786 ) and found links to this ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PEBKAC ) and this ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ID-Ten-T_Error ). I think I'm going to start having to use the PICNIC description more... *LOL*. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I'm a network junkie, so I think I like Layer 8: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Layer_8 -pcgod EEOC - Equipment Exceeds Operator Capacity - will remain my favorite until it becomes well known -SirJosh SirJosh, easy way to get it in public use. Make a Wiki entry for it. -Belunar

64. Can you page... Staff from other store on the phone: Hi, this is (name) at store (store number). I'm trying to reach your AVS department but can't get through, can you page them for me? ME: That will be difficult, we don't have an AVS department at this store. CALLER: Ah, that would be why I can't reach them... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments TIMMAY!! -vacuumtubes At least he didn't argue the point. -TechnoVampire

65. Sobe quotes I missed a few days of reading and I went back and found this post: http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=78690 . I have seen worse, that being, "Drink my lizard." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments ...and suck it dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnn.... :-) -vacuumtubes

66. Please Mom, just let me talk... Part 3 So, after she decides not to get the notebook and never has wanted Linux. She decides to get one of our few remaining copies of XP Home to install through Bootcamp on her Mac. SOOOO... with the Simply Accounting, USB Keypad, XP and a Keyboard for the son (the cat peed on the other one and it doesn't work now). She finally starts to get to the point where I can get them out of the store. Well.... now the daughter starts in about how she wants a new silver notebook and talks non-stop till they leave OVER the mother. Now, I gotta say, IF that was my family, I'd probably not only kick the kids out at 18, too bad, don't come back, but I'd password everything and not allow any of them near anything I didn't want to disown and tell them to pay for the repairs or replacement. GOOD FASKING RIDDANCE! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Run: otis.bat -Seamus compiles otis.bat and presses f9 to run in an infinite loops. -AdmiralLaurie Launches the following applications ... in no particular order: 1. CupOfShutUpJuice.exe 2. DuctTape.exe 3. BootNAss.exe 4. Exclude Otis.bat as it is already running in infinite loop. -PCChaos You can't compile bat files Laury! geez! What ammitures. She now has a second strike against her being a wanna b. -blindtech Blindtech, I'm not sure what your problem with Laurie is, but could the two of you keep it off the rest of the site? Also, it's "a m a t e u r s". -Calydor BTW, batch files CAN be compiled to assembly language. A friend of mine used to do this for a firm years ago. -CTYankee *looks at mental picture of software shelves* Second shelf of second bookcase, West wall of the "computer area", fourth box from the left end of that shelf, thin white box. "Batch Compiler", circa 1996, on 3.5" floppies. Not the box right next to it, that's "VSAM Manager". Looks like I have a batch compiler program that used to be sold at retail. Hm. Go figure, I have something that supposedly doesn't exist. -Grue Just when I think I know everything, a Luser will call me. Google "compile batch files". -ecoli Sounds like blindtech is trying to win something, like, oh, I don't know, could it be the "I'm blinder than you, so I'm better than you" sort of thing? (My wife runs into it all the time. She's had polio since an infant, but since she is ambulatory she gets looked down upon by total paraplegics. Heck, last week she even had to deal with having the police called on her for illegally parking in a disabled parking spot. And she has the DP plate! Good thing she was wearing a skirt that day, the cops could see all the scars on her leg from dozens of surgeries!) BT, you should lay off and not let your bitterness at "what life has dealt you" cause you to be bitter towards others. And I apologize for this OT reply, but BT has finally gotten to me with this. I used to be sympathetic to his plight, but he has taken too much of a "pity me, she doesn't deserve it like I do" attitude for me to care anymore. -Captain Trips AL is trying to learn: BT is trying to shoot her down...using dud bullets. The blind shooting the blind...sounds like a REAL good situation, doesn't it? -lineswine

67. Please Mom, just let me talk... Part 2 Now, she's been saying this a lot and starts to look to purchasing an inexpensive notebook to be able to do the same thing. And the WHOLE FARKING time, he's going, "But Mom, just let me speak!" "But Mom, Linux is free, and now you are going to spend way more money than you have to." She in turn responds with, "Will you just stop talking, I don't want to listen to you right now, stop talking and go buy dinner." Now, the daughter really appears to be the most sane here (for now) and says to give her the money for supper and is telling her brother to shut up as well. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

68. Please Mom, just let me talk... part 1 So, I'm trying to recover info from a drive that's slowly dying (ie, freeze it, get some info, crash, get a bit more info after a reboot etc till it just won't read it.) The other person goes for a break and I have to take the customer from (bad place starts with H). She speaks english as a second language and is constantly arguing with her son who is trying to get her to install Linux on her macbook so she can use Simply Accounting. I butt into the family disaster and point out that the box says that Linux isn't supported (she wants to install and be able to use it by tomorrow). So she says to her son, see, it won't even work. Shut up and don't say another word. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Oops.. Sorry I interrupted your story. :-( -ZorglubZ Eh, at this point, I'm done for the day, going to go for a drive and listen to some tunes. No -more- worries. -spectreoflife

69. Customer Joke.. So this guy has a parrot with a really foul mouth (bet you thought I'd put fowl). One day he just can't take it so he tosses the bird in the freezer for a minute. When the bird comes out he's shivering and says he's learned his lesson and is good for the rest of the day. But the next day he's worse than before so he gets tossed into the freezer for 10 mins. Comes out shivering worse than before and swears he's learned his lesson this time and is good for about a week. But, then he's just impossible with the swearing so the guy tosses him in the freezer for a whole hour. When he comes out he's blue and can't stop. The parrot says, "I've really learned my lesson, no more I swear. But just one question? What did the turkey do?" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Oh, It's ON now ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5-1HoLM-aw :-P Try and get THAT one out of your head ... -Necros I actually like that song.. :) -JoeLugian Necros - You just gave me a song I have to use for my 80's show! Tahnks. -ShujinTribble The Belle Stars were great. For catchiness, their "Sign of the Times" is great, that is still one of my fave rhythm guitar parts ever. AND they were on my favorite label ever, Stiff Records. (Motto: If it isn't Stiff, it isn't worth a fuck!"!) -SalParadise I heard that one first on the Big Easy soundtrack... and I have also heard Cyndi Lauper's version. Yep, classic earworm. -chazz

70. Baby LART... So, I'm perusing Yahoo this morning and I see this story ( http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/090121/national/20090121_baby_dials911 ). Looks like someone wasn't paying attention to the force today! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments So, I wonder if one of those grow operations was the cause of power outage I was a victim of. -Stryker One And we have a clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cr8USisGlDM -Biosynthetic I'm surprised the stoner didn't look at the cops and say "I've never seen that kid before!, my wife must have left him here when I wasn't looking." -TieDyedDinosaur I'm not sure I really like the idea of the police searching the house AFTER finding out it was an accidental dial from a baby. -Calydor I agree- it won't hold up in court. As soon as they ascertained there was no actual emergency, they had no business there. Starfish with a license to kill. -ThinTheHerd Yeah, the search after they found the kid is worrying - but I don't know how different Canada's probable cause and in plain view type laws are than the US's. Either the story is missing something, or the guy is stupid and told the police they were free to look around. -SirJosh Actually, there would be justification in doing a walk-through of the property if the officer is responding to a "911-hangup" call, to make sure that everything was really OK in the house. Doesn't guarantee, however, that what they see while walking through is automatically going to be admitted in court. -Voz Have none of you ever smelled fresh pot? A cop has probable cause immediately on the smell alone. If not, bring a drug dog to the yard. The dog will alert even outside. And yes, they have the right to do a walk through the house after a 911 hangup call. -srteach

71. This is broken... Customer comes up to me with a WD 750GB Ext drive and the box. Cust: "I have the warranty for this and it's defective." ME: "Alright, may I see the paperwork, and can you tell me what's wrong with the drive?" Customer hands me the paperwork and says, "The drive won't work. Oh, and we need to get the data off it." I find that he'll need to get intouch with WD to get an RMA for the drive and ask him, "So, if it's not working and it won't recognize in the system, how can we get the info from it?" Cust: "What?" ME: "If the system doesn't see the drive, how are we supposed to get data from it?" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Use the Force spectre -cyrusvirus Ask him what's more important to him, the data or the cost of the replacement. It will totally void the warranty, but you can take those drives apart and pull the drive from the enclosure. Often they are just regular IDE or SATA drives inside of there. You can then slave it into a computer and try to get the data off. This all depends on the idea that the broken portion is the HD - USB bridge built into the enclosure. -YourLastHope Tell them it's going to cost $2000usd to perform a physical data recovery (flat fee) then take it to Staples and get it done for $1500 flat. They have a partnership with Seagate and Seagate can do it without voiding most warranties (they contracts w/ WD and such). -unrenowned There are a number of data recoveries where it won't void the warranties. However, it'll cost an arm and a leg, and maybe an eye -McSmiley Naughty, naughty <shaving finger in your general direction>. We can't say "slaving the hard drive" anymore. Someone might get offended. http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/master.asp -Biosynthetic Well, I told the actual owner of the drive (his brother came in with it) that if he wanted the data he could pull the drive out but void the warranty. I won't pull the drive out because then it's me voiding the warranty, in any case they went with the warranty option, but it was just funny to watch the light dawn that if the drive is DOA, the data can't be retrieved by normal means. -spectreoflife

72. It works better when... ME: Hello, (store), how may I help you? SF: Yes, I have a Mac NB and it froze on me yesterday. I called a friend and they said to unplug it, so I did but it stayed locked up. So I called someone else today and they said to take out the battery, so I did and now it's just got a black screen. ME: You mean it has a black screen when you turn it on again? SF: Oh, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said to turn it on, one sec (moment of silence and then the Apple startup chime can be heard in the background). It's starting now, umm... thanks. ME: No problem, thanks for calling. (I hang up the phone and do a few headdesks to reboot my logic process.... oi...) [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Anytime I hear Mac, notebook, and battery used together, I can only think of one thing. "My name is Hunter Cressel and I own a Macintosh." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg7Xh0m_Oco -SirJosh "Boat Anchor!" -digitalguy1127 "No problem, that'll be fifty bucks." -Geminii

73. Ninja Stealth Kitty. So, a few weeks back my girlfriend comes home with a kitten rescued from the side of the road. Shots done and everthing and it's discovered she has worms and an eye infection. No biggie get meds and she's better. However, it's discovered that she is actually a he. So naming is back to the drawing board. One night the net goes dead on her PC and about 15 mins later it's discovered that a certain kitten had been playing down there and unplugged the cord for the net. And so, Ninja Stealth Kitty was nicknamed as the grumbling died and the snickers crept in. Now, this little tyke could purr like mad, he liked to crawl up and nuzzle and you could hear the rumbles going. Yesterday he was getting weaker from the worms still not clearing up and a visit the vet was in order. Not the news that was wanted to be heard, he has a fairly rare virus that is 100% fatal. So Ninja Stealth Kitty has snuck into Kitty Heaven. May the mice be plentiful and your pillows fluffy little one. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments At least the kitty didn't go out by the side of the road; you gave him love and affection, food and water, and a. Place to call home. You made his world a better place til the end. -unrenowned Sorry to hear about the kitty, but I'm happy that he & you both gave each other happiness & comfort during the brief time. -Grue FIDS? I know that one... and a great shame. But you certainly made a large difference in Ninja Stealth Kitty's life... I'm sure you've heard about the Rainbow Bridge, so I won't repeat that here. -chazz awwww. At least your little one is no longer in pain, and you loved him while he was with you. May you never forget him, may your pain be brief and your memories joyful. -AdmiralLaurie well you should have seen this coming, he was chewing on the internet cable without the proper Antivirus software install. Of course he got worms.... All joking aside the last few weeks he spent with you were probably the best in his short little life. -neuman1812 Had a kitten like that, cutest thing, all snuggling and purring type. Died of feline leukemia. There was much wailing and moaning and tearing of clothes. Sending you and yours many prayers. May Ninja Stealth Kitty get lots of kitty treats in the great beyond. -ecoli

74. Did I just see you... So, customer is asking for an AC adapter for her Apple NB and I ask her which type, the newer magnetic attatchment or the older style. So she says, "No, I have the older style, you know...." and starts pushing her finger through a hole she made with her other hand.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments and that's my laptop needing to be cleaned. roflrofl! -AdmiralLaurie Maybe she's hinting that she wants your harddrive in her bay... then maybe fill the empty slot in her motherboard with some good RAM... eh? God... what have you people reduced me to? I need to stop hanging out on this site... -Animortal "The CIRCLE of Life ..." </Lion King> -Necros Did you start singing "brown chicken brown cow" (ya gotta know that one) -randyskier okay... now that's the SECOND time this morning that my poor computer has had a 'sip' of my coffee because of this board. *wipes monitor off... again* -GoblinKing This post put me in mind of this...I wonder why? http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bang -lineswine

75. Pictures you don't want to see! So, I'm talking with another tech and we're swapping funny stories about stuff we've found on and in people's computers. And it reminded me of a picture I never thought to see and wish I never had. Was saving docs and pics in prep of a full format/reload and was confirming that the files were intact and viable. I clicked on a random jpg and up pops this image. What pray tell did I see? Well, boyfriend of someone the customer knew dressed in a black teddy and stockings with his... extension stuck in the tailpip of a pickup truck while he was on his knees. All I could think of at the time was, "Damn, I hope the truck hadn't been on for a while." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments "Country music" is like this: "My whaff died, my dawg lef' me an' mah truck wants a dee-vorce..." -Seamus No, it's "She thinks my tractor's sexy, it really turns her on!" -Cogeno That picture has made the rounds of circles where they appreciate that sort of thing or like to make fun of it. I sure hope the group I'm in is the latter. -concept14 I think it's a sad commentary on the state of my brain when I read the title of the story and the first thought that went through it was "Burrkiss. Red Sequins. Pasties. Thong. EWWWW!!!" -Grayhawk I think the worst thing I ever found was from a convicted (treated and released) pedophile who was using an Excel spreadsheet to document his errant thoughts about children. I was horrified. -maven

76. No good high end... Customer walks up to the counter holding a CL USB SoundBlaster box and asks this little gem: "How do the speakers power with this?" I answer, "The same way they always have? Plugged into the wall?" SF: "What do you mean? No good high end speakers plug into the wall!" Turns out he was wanting to hook up his home stereo to the PC but still... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments but .. but .. but it's wireless! -rosemetal Many years ago - sound cards used to have power amps on them so they could drive passive 8 ohm speakers, then they all started to switch over to line outputs as mains powered active speakers became the norm (I hate speakers marked as 1000W Peak Music Output - on something run off a 10W wall wart...) -Wonko The Sane In the days of 'powerful' sound cards, a friend had a problem with his PC, if the speakers were connected the PC would reboot, just as it got to the windows desktop (Windows 95) - the problem was the PSU in the computer was tripping playing the start up music while starting up everything - the choice was a bigger PSU or Active Speakers... -Wonko The Sane I've never seen a internal soundcard with speaker outputs. Line and headphone, yes, but nothing bigger. -Chromatix I still have some of the original SoundBlaster ISA cards with amplified speaker outputs, and one thing with jumpers that allows you to connect the output to the amplified or line-level, based on your speakers. Or I used to -- I shed a lot of ISA stuff a while back. -chazz I miss those amplified cards. I think the real reason for the change over was, it cheaper. -Stryker One I miss those amplified cards. I think the real reason for the change over was, it cheaper. -Stryker One crap. -Stryker One Could be that some of those cards used to get kinda warm too.. I had a non-SB card that would get hot to the touch after a while. -Darkridr

77. It'd fit right in.. So, I had a Toshiba in that had to get torn completely apart to the clean the fins on the GPU and CPU fans because it was overheating and turning off after 2 mins. After I had it all together again I left it running for a stress test and left a cd playing called, "Loon Echo Lake". After I got back and it was still on, I turned it off and turned the regular music in the tech room back up. A coworker came in shortly after and said, "Sure, turn on the good music now that you are back instead of those birds that you made us listen to." To which I replied, "They are Loons, and I thought they'd fit right in back here." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Please tell me I'm not the only one who read the title of this story and immediately thought of something perverted... -WolfPup WolfPup - no, you're not the only one. -Seamyst I third that "motion" -unrenowned i use magnums -kagewrestler ...toy balloons...small, thin, and can be shaped... ;) -FormerSithLord ... help me find my keys ... -Stryker One ... throwing a hotdog down a hallway... -ThinTheHerd "Oh-wahtaloon-iam..."</shirley> -AmazingKreskin

78. Bad truncating... So, I have an Apple Time Capsule I'm trying to delete the info from so we can resell it. I finally get it all setup and recognized and get into the HD on it to see what info is there. That's when I see: (customer name)'s Computer_0...arsebundle ~~~ the full file is (customer name)'s Computer_001ec2006dbc_sparsebundle [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Arsebundle. I like that term. -Seamus "So I got a call from this total arsebundle earlier..." -AmazingKreskin And once we get to the listing for #classhat ... -Mushroom Oh man, I do tech support for this stuff. I can't -wait- to get a call from an irate customer demanding to know why we use bad language in our products. -fearnothing

79. Why is the... SFNB (Starfish Non-Believer): Hi, I just got some HP cartridges, the 74XL (extra large, sorry for those that already got that :P ) and the 75XL. ME: Okay. SFNB: So, I got them home and took them out of the box and I noticed that the 74XL, which is the black cartridge is larger than the normal 74. ME: Okay, that's right. SFNB: Well, the 75XL, which is the color, is the same size as the normal one. Why is that? ME: Probably the normal 75 wasn't filled to capacity and the 75XL was filled to the top. SFNB: Yes, but the 74XL is larger and the 75XL is the same size, I want to know if I got the wrong one. ME: I can't tell you that, I've never opened that package and compared it, you can call HP and ask them. SFNB: Well, if I hadn't seen the 74XL being larger I would have believed you. ME: Well, the only people that are going to answer that for you is HP, you can reach them at 1-800-HPINVENT. SFNB: Okay, I'll call them and get them to explain it. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments For once, I feel sorry for those poor people at HP when they get that call. -concept14

80. Visa Warranty.. Hi, this (SF), I have PC (store brand) and I just got some new speakers for it but it turns out that it wasn't my old speakers but the plug seems to be broken. What can you do about fixing that? ME: Well, how old is the PC? (SF): I got it August 2006. ME: Okay, warranty is one year on that so you could buy a new motherboard or get... (was about to suggest a cheap soundcard but was interrupted) (SF): What do you mean I could buy a new motherboard? I bought this on my VISA Platinum card for the extra warranty. ME: Okay, for coverage under VISA you will have to call them and they will tell you of a repair center near you you can take it to. (SF) What do you mean I can call them? I bought it on my VISA Platinum card so I wouldn't have to deal with this myself. ME: Well, we don't have dealings with VISA's warranty service... (SF) WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I specifically told your sales person that I was putting it on their for that warranty. ME: I understand, but we don.... (SF) Don't bother, just don't bother.. (CLICK) ME: And a good day to you! ~~ Lack of understanding your VISA Platinum contract doesn't constitute a means of me having any means of helping you when you find out what that contract really means you have to do to get that extra 1 year warranty. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, Platinum, I DO NOT DEAL WITH LOWLY SERVICE PEONS SUCH AS YOURSELF. -modeski Cheers Modski...I NOW have the mental image of Steve "fat Boy" Ballmer hopping round a stage yelling "Developers! Developers! developers! developers!"...& it won't go away! (google 'ballmer & developers' for the full horror/lunacy of it, 'cos I posted a link you'd think it was yet another Rickroll) -lineswine

81. How do I...? Had a customer walk up ready to purchase a new mouse (yes, I had to put it that way) and he had a question. Now, I'm ready for, "will this work with my computer?" A lot of the time they have something that was ancient when it was bought and don't have USB (or UBS as is so often heard) but I digress. What I get was at least original. "How does this side to side thing work?" Queue jaw semi-dropping and a state of disbelief. "You push the scroll wheel from side to side..." Customer asks, "Well, what would you use that for?" "Well, if you have a web page that's |- - - - - - - - - - - | big, and your monitor will only display |- - - - - - | then you use the scroll wheel to shift from side to side." "Okay, how do you do that?" Queue politely grabbing the mouse and physically showing over the top of the mouse what is needed. "Ohhhh... that's so obvious!" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments ...and that's why you're a starfish for not being able to figure it out -SillyGirl Screw THAT... I have a dual monitor setup. I don't need a new optical-interface-unit -ShujinTribble "Yes, it IS, ISN'T IT?" -Geminii

82. Where's my Office? So, I had a computer in that came in with the description that it had a pirated version of Windows on it and they wanted the system wiped (some data saved of course) and a new version of XP put on it. So, easy enough request, get it all fixed and data put back and customer goes happily home with her computer. Cue today, "Hi this is <store>, how may I help you today?" "Hi this is <starfish>, I just had my computer in there spent $350 getting it fixed and I can't open up any Word files!" Me: "Yes, we weren't given any Office installation disc's to put it back on, if you can locate your originals you can just reload it." SF: "Well, when we bought that computer from you it came with it already installed, why didn't you put it back?" Me: "Unless you've bought Office seperately it wouldn't have come on the system, if it was there, we may have installed it and given you the disc's with it when you picked it up." SF: "Well, are you telling me that Windows doesn't come with Office?" Me: "Yes, that is the way it comes, if you don't have Office we can sell you a new version and install it for you." SF: "WHAT? You telling me that I spent $350 to get XP and I have a version at home with office and if I want to get it now I have to buy something ELSE!?!?" Me: "Unfortunately we weren't given anything to install with and the repair said that you wanted a non-pirated version installed." SF: "So I have this HP printer and it doesn't work now either, my computer says it isn't recognized." Me: "Unfortunately, we weren't given the printer or the software when it was left with us." SF: "Well, isn't that just peachy!" <click> [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Yeah, I get that crap all the time. I feel your pain. It's worse when they come in and complain to the manager expecting a free copy of Office. I find it really hard not to laugh at that point... -unrenowned What I hate is when you warn them several times that software will be gone on a reformat/reinstall and they answer several times. "I don't have anything on there I care about." They then read me the Warning everything on the C drive will be overwritten, they select yes to continue, then part way through the reinstall way after its time to stop and think, they ask "Will I lose my Office?" or "Will I have to redo my Internet?" -NanoGeek Why isn't OpenOffice Just made the standard?A copy of Office, a Copy of PowerPoint can run you 60 to 70 bucks in my area, But you can get Open Office free, and it's still compatible with virtually ever file format known to man. -PeterGibons A friend told me about this one. Portable Aps, if you haven't seen it, check it out. If ya'll have, sorry for the repeat: http://portableapps.com/ -NanoGeek <DA> when I used to do shop repair work, I used to ensure the customer know what the full effects of wiping - loss of programs such as word etc, as well as data - would entail, and explain that if they had peripherals, such as a printer/scanner, to bring them and *ALL* cables with them prior to the work being carried out. The also had to read and sign an authorisation form noting that this had all been explained tot hem to the point where they understood it. Few extra minutes on my part led to no backlash... </DA> -SoldierJedi That, and pulling the Jedi Mind Trick on them. ;) -VFox Was stuck in line at the pharmacy behind a woman who could not comprehend that if her doctor wrote the 'scrip for 30 pills, she was getting 30 pills and not 60. Though the doc sounds like a SF because apparently he's written for both quantities in an inconsistent manner. But still. Fax in hand from the doc, she still didn't get it. -silvermoon

83. Customer of the Day. Co-Worker walks up to a customer looking at notebooks and starts to chat him up. Gets to the point the CU is looking at finding a specific model and my CW asks, "What are you going to be using it for?" CU responds with, "SHOVE IT UP YOUR A$$, that's the wrong attitude, I will never shop here again!" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I have to admit, the first thought was "WTF?" the second was that it was probably good it wasn't me. I'd likely have asked him, "Would you like to just bend over or do you want to grab on to something first?" -spectreoflife And he misses the point entirely. Love it! -Seamus Sounds like one of those customers that pulls stunts in hopes to get somebody fired. -unrenowned "I will never shop here again!" And this would motivate me HOW? You cuss me out, and then tell me I won't be seeing you again? Instead of bending over and taking it, I would welcome the loss of your patronage, you (#*&(*&. (Probably didn't want to tell you he would be using it to search for kiddie pr0n online with it!) -Captain Trips "Ohhh I'm in danger! We are going to lose one of our stupidest <insert 10 minute long series of profanities> moron of a customer that NEVER has bought something at our shop! The door is to your left, and don't get slammed by it on your way out!" -Dr Jerkyl Dr Jerkyl- That's entirely the wrong attitude! You WANT him to get slammed by the door on the way out. -Voz I do so love it when the suctomer uses "I'm never shopping here again!" as some kind of leverage to get you to do what they want. They really don't like it when you call them on it, do they. -flapjackboy Nah, the customer probably thought that you were asking about their innertube cruising habits - or maybe what kind of p0rn they are looking for. They get paranoid like that. Still, *tink* *tink* *tink* *tink* *tink* *tink* Better to be careful. -ecoli Just about every customer that has said that to me has been told that payments have bounced, and that they have 15 days before they go to collections... I really don't care if I loose a chance to fight to get money from you again, other people come to me (or call me more often) asking that I perform a service or product, and give cash on the spot, a few give checks or money orders, one guy always sends through paypal. it's always the checks that are the problem! -garwain

84. Best phone call ever. ME: "Hi, (store), can I ask you to hold for a moment?" Caller: "No." ME: "Okay.." CLICK - DIALTONE. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments (*BLINK*) --WINNAH! -ShujinTribble Am just picturing the caller blinking in confusion at the phone at that point. -SillyGirl I'm not sure whether I should call shenanigans or clap. -unrenowned

85. You're plugging that where? Just got off the phone with a customer that was taking the output from his laptop and running into the line in port on his tower and finally out to the speakers. Apparently he was getting some distortion and wanted to know how he could get rid of the this. I asked if he had plugged the speakers directly into the speaker out on the notebook. He asked if that worked? WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!?!?! Also, I had to repeat this solution to him several times and suggesting that if he wanted to run it the way he has it setup that he talk to someone that was a support type for audio connections. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Well, if the line levels are just right, it COULD work. -Stryker One spdf(or whatever the correct spelling is) out to spdf in wouuld work infinetly better. not common on laptops though. -Harm "Im sorry Im XXXXXXLaptop support, you will have to contact your Desktop manufacturer." at least thats what comes to mind. Get a pair of headphones, or extra pair of speakers Mr Fish. -Belunar

86. A good LART? Looking for a good LART, some luser left his business card around the department where I work with all his personal info on it. Rather than just simply ignoring it, I thought I'd sign him up for some nasty sites and spam. Any thoughts on "good" sites or should I just trash the last card and let him go free? [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Well first off we need more info. What did this luser do specificlly to warrant a LART? -OgdenTechGuy ..and what's his title? -ShujinTribble I would take this one to the forums... -unrenowned

87. Product of the Day Okay, the store I work for also sells more mundane items as well. So, was getting stuff from our receiving area and another employee was laughing about something, so of course, curiosity got the best of me. "Valentine Growable Boyfriend". WHAT?!?! So I read.. and joke... "Grows..." up to 600% of it's original size in 72 hours... Read some more on the back, "Starts to grow in 2 hours and will reach it's full size in 72 hours!" Also "After it's reached it's full size, take it out of water and it'll slowly shrink back to its oringinal size." And my favourite, "Have fun growing your boyfriend over and over again." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Link? Picture? -Stryker One The girlfriend version just keeps growing. -robbor Till she turns into the wife version which activates that "nag" option. -TubPorsche http://www.funideas.com/growaboyfriend.html - may be NSFW, depending on how uptight your work is. -Divinar On the same website further down: The inflatable Judy doll - methinks that is the infamous Judy Patch :D -CSurfer umm... actually, methinks if the Judy doll springs a leak, you would need a Judy patch. Hopefully they've included some in the kit... -chazz

88. Doh.. No... now the starfish may understand the 1D10T code... *sighs* Dilbert has betrayed the code... http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20061006.html [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I tried to warn you guys..... -ShujinTribble Naww, SF don't read Dilbert... 'Pearls before Swine' is more their speed (Whadaya wanna bet the title goes right over their heads? <EG>)... -MadJack MadJack: I happen to love that comic strip... -Veinor Nah, I don't believe that. It's drawn in such a way that you can't distinguish the letters that well, thus ppl just will see IDIOT... -Dr Jerkyl Heck, when I first read it, I saw "idiot" not ID-10-T myself -Divinar <Shoulda put the disclaimer in my last comment... "Naw, that's an insult... to the comic strip! I admit, it is funny... my point remains, tho...) -MadJack

89. Vacation.. Well this is somewhat of an update to another post: ( http://www.techcomedy.com/single/new_stories.php?content_number=59620 ). The reason for this new little gem is as follows. It's now Monday, I've left an email for the boss to follow up (and he does) except for the fact that apparently the repair center doesn't. So, I recall after about 30 mins of starting my shift that all this happened and asked him about it. As mentioned, he followed up, so now he's calling back again. We basically get a response of: The tech's on holidays, I can't get you the info, if you want to escalate this, you can talk to my boss. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!?!?! I didn't think that there were people actually this stupid. This is not a small mom & pop company, this is one of the largest resellers in Canada for computer stuff and we get told that no one has taken his work while the guy that's SUPPOSED to be looking at it is tanning his lily white a$$. I understand vacations and all, but holy sh!t batman... at least get someone else up to speed on your work before you go! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments We get the same at internal office helldesk - asshat goes on vacation, dumps job on co-irker who has no idea how to do asshat's job. Asshat uses a computer to do their job, so co-irker comes neeping to IT to train them on the job, despite the fact that we have *no farking clue* about whatever Asshat-on-vacation does for a living. Welcome to vacation season! -TechnoCat Actually a too-common occurrence in today's 'leaner is better' organizational model. Try to get hold of ANYONE in Paris during vacation season. -Foyle Half of our company is on holiday during July-August (north-east europe teams) but as they handle the items that are visible to the user, we use for our apps. It is all the more fun when you have a crucial error that has to be fixed in the next week, and you have to understand their spaghetti code, find and fix the error in one of the 100 c files, and there is one member of their team in, which is a UI designer not a programmer until 2 weeks later. yet we are expected to have a subsutite for our own work who should not be off at the same time as Me -cjo

90. Is this a new unit or a repair? Just got off the phone with a man calling in to inquire about his wife's new Apple MacBook. Him: "Hi I'm calling to see if my wife's Apple is in yet?" ME: "Is this a new unit or one out for repair?" Him: "It's a brand new one." ME looking around the stockroom: "I'm sorry, I don't see any new stock, can I get the name it was coming in for?" Him: "<gives name>" ME: "Okay, please hold for a moment." I look through everything more thoroughly but still don't see it and get back to him, "I'm sorry sir, I don't see any new stock in, how long ago did you order it?" Him: "She dropped it off for repair and was told it was going to be 10 days and it's now been 3 weeks!" Actually it's been 18 days and it's Saturday and the repair center is closed... oh.. and by the way, the fact that it's "brand new" still to you in no way changes the fact I asked if it was a repair and you didn't listen. Stupid F'skin' SF after being told that they are trying to order a part but the part isn't coming up as being the right one: "Well, can you have someone call my wife on Monday when you figure out when Apple is going to get it's sh!t together?" ME: "It's not at Apple sir, it's at my repair center and I don't know where the issue is, I'll have to get in touch with them and get back to you on Monday." Him: "Okay, can you have someone look into that and call her on Monday then?" Whisky Tango Foxtrot?!?! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments This is what I'm saying.</paul reiser> -AmazingKreskin

91. I guess I should have... P4 So, I deal with the customer in front of me and get back to the other one, "So, what happened when you did that?" Cust: "Oh, I guess I was supposed to do that while I was on hold." *Me... choking back bloodlust* "Yes, okay, what did you mean by the username and password being the same?" At this point figuring that he hasn't called his ISP as they need the MAC addy of his router before it'll get out past their setup page, I decide to try and confirm. Cust: Well, when I am on my laptop all I get is a screen asking me to login and my username and password don't work." Yup, this ISP does this when a new piece of hardware is put into the loop. I tell him to contact his ISP as they will be the ones that will resolve this issue for him, thanks, have a nice day! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments sounds to me like he just is not getting past the windows log on. am I missing part of the convo? -xtc46

92. I guess I should have... P3 Well, the response of course was, "Yes, I can get MSN to come up." ME: "Okay, can you try to go to another website from where you normally go to?" Cust: "Sure I can." Me: "You've gone to another website?" Cust: "Yes." ME: "Which did you go to?" Cust: "Well, I didn't do it right now, but I know I can." *<Diety>, please grant me the ability to reach over the phone and punch someone in the head?* At this point a customer walks into the store, me to the one on the phone, "Can you please go to your other computer and go to www.google.ca and type in the word test and see what comes up? I have to put you on hold for a moment." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

93. I guess I should have... P2 So you have a W/L Router then, what problems are you having? (Why I asked that I have no idea..) The customer responds with this little gem, "Well, I thought I just had to hook it up and I could use my old username and password." (Yup, that was it, nothing more, nothing less.) *Images of blood and pain pass through my mind briefly.. unsure of if it was mine or unspoken desires of ending another SF procreating* After a brief moment to see if he was going to say more I responded, "I'm not sure what you mean by that, but before I deal with that, can I ask if you can get out to the internet from the other computer?" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

94. I guess I should have... P1 Customer calls up and says he bought a Toshiba NB from us and the internet sharing thing. I ask him to clarify that, did you mean a router or a modem. I get back that he doesn't really know, I got it from you people earlier. (After the urge to ram my head into the counter and thus end the pain...) I ask him if he has a modem that goes into the NB. To which he finally says that he has ADSL and he got the internet thing to share it with his old computer and use his new NB W/L. (Ureka... sort of) [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

95. It's not working... Customer just called up, "Is <boss> there?", ME: "No, it's his day off, he'll be back on Monday." CU: "Oh, well my wife was messing with my computer and now the task bar is on the right instead of the bottom." ME: "Click on the taskbar..." CU: "Excuse me?" ME: "Click on the taskbar where there isn't any icon's or open programs, while holding down the mouse button, drag it to the bottom of the screen." CU: "Nothing's happening!" ME: "It should, are you clicking where there are no icons and no open programs?" CU: "Is that the START menu?" ME: "No, on the taskbar where there isn't any icons or buttons or open programs." CU: "Oh.. that's got it..." *headdeskheaddesk...* [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Obviously in need of upper management to assist him. After all, moving the task bar to where it belongs is a highly complicated and delicate task, not to mention a high risk one which can NOT be trusted to the handling of any ordinary tech! -Captain Trips

96. Do you sell? Just a bit of background, this guy actually does live in a van (motorhome) down by the river. Calls up tonight and askes, "Do you sell photo paper?" ME (Recognizing Mr. Tinfoil himself): "Yes, we do." Tinfoil: "And you sell it by the sheet?" ME: "No, only in packs." Tinfoil: "I'm sure you sell it by the sheet." ME: "Actually we don't, just in packs." Tinfoil: "Oh, okay," and then he actually just hangs up. Far better than the day he was neeping on about 3 different calls about not getting the antenna for his new w/l router. At least until he looked around and "found" it after receiving a detailed description of what it looked like. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments He wanted to take a picture of his 'aura' by leaving the photo paper under his pillow! -TieDyedDinosaur "Sure we do. It costs the same as a pack, and you get an extra 24 sheets for free!" -Frazzled Well, I have been able to buy it in the ten-sheet pack before, also. Who the fark needs only one sheet of photographic paper? Every hear of contact sheets? Test prints? C'mon, it always took me 3-4 tries to get the perfect print! (Note: I used to do all my own b/w developing/printing, learned from my father many, many years ago.) -Captain Trips

97. I have little white balls... coming out of my keyboard." This was the comment to a staff member a while back. Turns out that the customer had one of the silicon packs in their notebook case and eventually it exploded and released all it's "little white balls" all over the place and into the notebook. I guess even the balls didn't find much fun being inside her notebook and desired to escape.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I have little, white balls. Well, more pink than white, really. However, I'm forever satisfied that no matter the size or count, it's more than burrkiss has. He sold his for a quick shot at Sally Struthers' peachfish. Poor boy looks like my nuetered beagle now. -viennasausage I see fuzzy teacups. -vacuumtubes "But he's got the biggest balls of them all" </acdc> -crazymactech Hey VS? Its not the size of the balls that gets the ladies off. FYI. *grin* -burrkiss

98. I want to return this because.. I don't agree with the EULA. ME: Excuse me? Suctomer: I don't agree with the EULA, it's several pages long and I don't agree with being required to tell them I want to stop their service if I wish to. ME: I'm afraid that that sounds like every.. SuctomerInteruptus (SI): No, you aren't listening. I want my money back because I don't agree with the EULA and it won't let me install the software. ME: Well, unfortunately the software is opened now and the only way it can be returned is if we have a manufactuer issued RMA. SI: So you are screwing me out of $100.00. There isn't a situation where someone doesn't agree to the EULA that you can help someone? ME: Have you contacted the manufacturer about that, they are the only ones that can help you there. --- Here follows more of the circular conversation that I don't wish to recall and attempting to explain what accepting the EULA means for him and the manufacturer...--- SI: So what am I supposed to do about software that I don't agree with the EULA terms. ME: Well, if you have the potential to be in disagreement with the EULA, you should go to the manufacturer's website and download it first so you know before you buy the software. If not, don't buy software. ----- That last comment will probably hit my boss on Monday, but this guy was a complete doorknob and everyone working today agreed that they wouldn't have taken it back either. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments you mean that they actually read the EULA? or simply disagreed with it b/c they wanted their monies back? -deihu "And, madam, if you were to discontinue using their service, how would you suppose the vendor would become aware of that? Would you like me to assist you in finding a service that can be canceled by a psychic beacon?" -linkv *pulls out a 12 guage* Bang! There you fucking go. Your EULA has been rejected. -momo I read EULA's. But I have never returned software, even stuff I've never used. Didn't think it was possible. -ThinTheHerd If that (l)user was in the habit or reading EULAs, then he'd realise that most of them are practically identical. Probably just another idiot who thinks the rules don't apply to him. -modeski In Yewrp, shrink wrapped EULAs are invalid for this very reason. If you give a customer an agreement which they can only access after buying the product (or at least requiring them to go to a web site when they don't need Internet access for the product itself) then it's the vendor's problem. Rightly so IMO. -DavidHM I have to say that I agree with the customer on this one. EULAs are part of life, and the legal alternative to accepting it and installing the software is to decline it and not install the software. Maybe it's not feasible to deal with people disagreeing with EULA's on the store level, but there should be a procedure in place for it, because who wants to be out a bundle of money when they find out the terms of use of their software are totally onerous? -NightSteel And there probably is, but the customer went to one place and refused to even consider the fact that maybe, just maybe... he should also talk to the manufacturer -rather- than assuming it was only one places respondsibilty to ensure he was happy with something he purchased. Admittedly it sounds harsh, but the maker of the product will normally be more helpful than anyone else. -spectreoflife

99. I need a.. Co-Worker (CW) pulled a power inverter from the hold area for a Customer (CU) and proceeded with the following conversation. CU: I want to make sure that is the right one for my Apple notebook. CW: This inverter is for everything. CU: Yes, but I want to make sure that it's for my NB. CW: It works for everything, portable DVD player, small fridge, NB's, walkmans. CU: So it'll work for my apple... At this point I had to walk away so I would break out in laughter at the -intelligence- on display. I came out of the stockroom after a few moments to compose myself and he was finally allowing himself to be convinced... that yes... it would work for any household type appliance... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments <da> Not EVERY power inverter will properly handle a computer's switch mode PSU. Matter of fact, some deny any and all responsibility for your computer (laptop or desktop) since the uneven loads of a switchmode PSU will cause the inverter to lose voltage control. Or keep it from even working. </da> -ralphp1024 And let's not forget that Laser printers specifically draw a huge amount of amperage for a short period of time to bring the fuser up to temp. Inverters get cranky when that happens and start doing odd things to their AC waveforms, some electronics object to that! -TieDyedDinosaur Pretty much every inverter I've worked on (be it SCR, GTO, IGBT) always are slightly de-rated due to the output being a psudo-sinewave i.e. a stepped one...with a harmonic component (think FFT). This in turn leads to a slight derating of the output, due to this non-sinusoidal waveform. -lineswine

100. How do you.. Happened to a co-worker earlier today. Elderly couple came in and asked what they could do about a printer that spit out a page of gibberish when you turned it on but worked fine otherwise. Was offered that they could do one of two things, bring it and the computer in or just not turn off the printer. So... Cust: So, how do you not turn off the printer? CoWo: Excuse me? Cust: How do you not turn off the printer? CoWo: Just don't press the power button? Cust: I don't understand. CoWo: Have you ever left a lamp on? Cust: Yes. CoWo: Same thing. Cust: Okay, but how do you not turn off the printer? [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments It's probably plugged in to a power strip that they use for powering on/off their computer. -EagleEye Nope, straight into the wall. (asked the same question *lol*) -spectreoflife How do you not turn off your mind? -concept14 Concept - Never turn it on. -redevil34 *blinks* I've heard "how do I turn it off?" and "You can turn a cell phone off???" *many* times, but never "how do I *not* turn it off". Just...wow. -missourimule "You're doing it." -Geminii usbcrut. dude's got a Dell -DrLecter

101. Penalty Reboot and.. Get a phone call from a person that bought NIS2006 earlier. They can't figure out how to install it. Dreading but giving in I try to help. I attempt to ask how it won't install. I get, "It just won't install, I put it in and nothing happens." Should have been my second warning (the first being that they can't install NIS2006..). Soooooo..... I get them to go to the "My Computer" and get Windows.. okay, they've gone to far... I tell them and hear, "Okay, let me just start from the beginning." Wait a moment and hear, "Okay, Norton's booting.." I think great.. another luser finds the light... until.... "Okay, the Windows is starting up.." Damn if the luser didn't inflict a penatly reboot on me.... *sighs* She finally gets to the login (with 4 logins) and eventually chooses one. After going into windows again she managed to slow down enough to find the cd autorun and installed it. Of course later, she couldn't figure out how to do the "Live Update". [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Holy sh1t I hope you work for Norton. If one of our customers have issues with software they get the punt. -FrontSideBus FSB, "work...Norton"? Nope, you don't those words in that close a proximity very often. -lineswine "work ... Norton" - I can put them that close together. "This total feces worked well until Norton had intimate carnal knowledge of it." See? B) -ralphp1024 I don't have any corporate relation to symantec, but my customers expect me to support it (since I charge at least an arm, and often a leg too). I hate dealing with their products over the phone,and usually end up scheduling an onsite call for those issues. -garwain

102. How to break a PC... Part IV The computer for some reason wouldn't come on anymore, the manufacturer has no bootable solution for BIOS flashing, only through a Windows solution. So, since we have no way to ensure that the PC can be fixed, nor will we stop Christmas for a few hours to a day needed to fix this and to heck with all other concerns but her only, she'll return it and get it from local competitor. Semi-bright spot was hearing the boss say, Fine, I'll tell you what, you bring it back and return it and head over to *competitor* and get one from them. I should charge you for this, but I won't, only if you promise not to let your "tech" touch the new one or do what they did to this one if you do. Oh ya, we got the PC back yesterday, still haven't had time to do any work on it, likely going to have to RMA it back, if so I'm going to put on it "Broken by rep from local call center that is employeed by you because the PC had a known issue". [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments If it ain't farkin' broke, don't farkin' fix it. <rolls eyes> -RiffRaff The mad BIOS flasher strikes! -TieDyedDinosaur I've only been brave enough to flash a BIOS once and that was to upgrade it so it would handle a bigger hard drive (old socket7 board) and I had a spare of the same make so if I broke mums computer I could get her right back up and running. -halitech my sister purchased a new pc from best try, best try even installed some software. She had it a few days and complained about it freezing up, I figured she was mucking around with it. Anyway I was installing stuff she wanted. It white screened on me , dang there is a problem. It's a HP I did a search on it and it was major known problem that a bios update fixed. I wonder why best try didnt flash it when they put software on it. -SGTARKyTEK I'm relatively brave about flashing the bios if I need to. But I still hate it. I've done about ten or twelve over the years and only had one not take properly and I was able to roll it back. I always warn a customer before I do it. Just in case. -Nazreel Did the fish -know- how to correctly reflash, or was she just following the tech's likely vague instructions? I once escaped disaster when I was reflashing my mom's machine, and her 'techie friend' thought the comp had frozen and wanted to reboot it. My bf's one reflash was a failure (he used the horribly broken Windows util--after he was told by many on the forums NOT to do that--and laughed at me for flashing mine using a floppy...end result was he was over at my place using my machione for a few days while waiting for a replacement chip). -Dreamstalker

103. How to break a PC... Part III She responds that that isn't good enough, she needs it for 6pm tonight. Check with the boss who pretty much takes over at this point (the customer being particularily "fishy" about this). I listen with half an ear to the conversation till I hear him ask to speak to the "Tech". He shortly asks if the person works for the local TechSupport Call Center that directs it's employee's to deny working for them and not to admit what contract they work on. Turns out the "Tech" does work for said company and decided to be helpful... She thought that because the PC in question had a "known" issue that was fixed by flashing the BIOS she would do so.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

104. How to break a PC... Part II Fastforward to Saturday, the 24th (yes, Christmas eve). Customer calls and asks if I recall the computer she bought on Wednesday. As I took the call, I said yes, I did. She then goes onto explain that she needs to get her system looked at, the BIOS needs to fixed. I ask what's wrong with it. Her response is that her "tech" was over installing the system for it and said that the BIOS needs fixing. Knowing how busy we are on Boxing Day, I said we can sign it in, but not likely to be able to work on it till at least the day after Boxing Day. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

105. How to break a PC... Part I Work for *store* and had a person call up and request a price on a specific PC. Got it for her, she ended up requesting price for one that was a little more and ordering it. Next day rolls around, she rolls into the department and I go looking for said ordered PC from the shipment in the back. Sell it to her. This was on Wednesday the 21st... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

106. Let me transfer that to you... I work for *store* and the stores are numbered.. anyway, a co-worker was trying to get product transfered from one store to ours. The store in question has been designated as "42". So the employee on the other end of the phone says, "So, I transfer this attention (co-worker) at store 42." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Yep. That'll do it. Store 42, somewhere on Planet Earth. It might take a while. -robbor store #42...they have *everything* right? -Jax Jax, no. They just have Life and the Universe. They're out of Everything. -docbrown01 *blink* So does the store have adult size football equipment? The local sporting goods stores here don't have Shi'ite. No Soccer equipment thats adult size either. Ok, so my buddy managed to find a set of shin guards that fit HIM. No such luck for the GK gloves though. -MaskedMarauder

107. My computer won't turn on.. A while a back a co-worker got a call: EU: Ya, Hi, I got a computer from you a month ago and now it won't turn on. CW: Have you tried the power switch in the front, the one in the back.. on your surge bar? EU: Yes, none of them do anything. CW: (finally dawns on him to ask) Is your power currently on? EU: No, but my son told me it had a POWER SUPPLY in the back so it -SHOULD- turn on because of that. CW: Ah.. no. You still need electricity for that. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments What the hell does getting the computer a month ago have anything to do with the problem? -ProfessorFrink Got it a month ago = the merchandise shouldn't be so crappy as to break in only a month. -concept14 congrats on asking your son - but hes stooo stupid to own a system- unless you miscontrued wht he said.. or he';s a sarchasic bugger. -Harm Sorry, your power supply must have run out... please bring your PC back to the shop, and we'll re-charge you for it... -Ulfgaard Looks like someone's been watching ST:TNG too much. Power supplies do NOT run on Sallerium-Krellide! (SHIVERS) Ok, i think I just hit a new LOW in geekdom with that knowledge. -ShujinTribble Yeah, that kids either well on his way to BOFH (in which case he's listening to the conversation and in pain from trying not to laugh) or he needs to be killed now before he becomes a legal adult. -redevil34

108. What are the differences? Lady comes in and is looking at Accpac Simply Accounting Basic and Pro. Asks what the differences are. I flip the two products over and with my finger on the features list I show her the list for Basic and the list for Pro. I get the response of "But what are the features of each?" I point at the features list again and start reading it out loud. "But what are the differences?" I point it out again... "Oh.. they are printed on the back..." reads it a bit.. "So what are the differences?" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Hit her over the head with each. "See? The second one is a little heavier, it actually lacerated your scalp." -Psudo Get this all the time but with CPU's, ram, hdd, Cdroms, Motherboards, Vidcards, Windows. I wana ask them whats the difference between a banana and a orange ?, or Ford and GM -Deadagent Simple, the price tag :) -Armakuni What's the difference between a banana and a banana? </*old* joke> -missourimule They've both got appeal to me. (Lart shelter? Screw that! I take my punishemnts like a man!) -ShujinTribble Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, BANANA PHONE!!!! (runs like hell, hits LART shelter door) -TheMage18

109. We just got a new... More of an EUPOTD but.. had two gems from this young girl that came in. "It has buttons, what could be wrong with it?" and the best comment I've heard in a long time... "We just got a new moose!" (yes, spelling correctly o.O) [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I wanna NEW MOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!! -illiterate Dumb like a moose, Dib. Dumb like a moose </Zim> -Digital Dogcow Heh, when my son purchases a new pet, I might be saying, "I *don't* want a new mouse!" -snowcrash Neetaha! Vee moost now keel off moose uhnd squirfil! </Boris> -ShujinTribble A Møøse once bit my sister... </Obligatory MP reference) -K1W1 Moose eh? What's that aboot? <Dodges Canuckistani LARTs> -lineswine Holding my Canadian flag high in my off hand, I brazenly throw a bull moose at Lineswine! (dodge that 2 meter high 600 Kg LART!) -Evilturnip "We want to boost our egos, so we bought the salesguy's best - / We want it now, so bypass all those checks and silly tests. / There's nothing that could cause a pause, or wander from our line; / We took a peek, the code is ones and zeroes, so it's fine." -Geminii Hey Rocky, watch me pull a starfish out of my hat. -persephone --Again?! </Rocky> -ShujinTribble M-O-O-S! That spells Moose! -Divinar what flavors does it come in ? ... <ducking into LART shelter> -Z0nker "Who's the moosiest moose we know? Marty Moose!" </National Lampoon's Vacation> "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a moose out of my pants!" </The *real* Bullwinkle> -missourimule what flavor?!? It's a *BLOODY BIRD!!* </more MP> -CTYankee

110. The dork that was... So, on a Saturday not to long ago, only about a week or so, this person we hire that was an assistant manager at a prior store makes a life altering decision on the first day back from a leave of absence. Now, keep in mind, this person was hired to replace someone else that thought it was cool to just not show up. So, our dork decides that since in 6 weeks he will not be getting 40 hours per week (even though that's why he wasn't hired back as management), he's gonna quit, at the end of the shift. Fast forward to yesterday, guess who wants to come back and work...... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Whenever I read about this sort of thing, I remember that joke about the guy who doesn't come in to work for a couple of days but calls in and says 'I'm Sick", then, when he shows up and the boss asks where he was, "My sister was all upset, so I stayed with her, we got drunk and went to bed together." The boss is outraged "Thats the nastiest thing I've ever heard for an excuse!" but the guy says "I told you I was sick." -TieDyedDinosaur love that joke -GefahrMaus

111. The staff are mutating... Just read an email from another store in the company asking if anyone had any iPod Shuffles (latest geek gadget). Only problem is that about 5 emails before this brain fart posted a message that spammed EVERYONE in the company, the person that also got spammed posted an email to all that we were getting a shipment into the warehouse of these tomorrow. Guess it proves my theory that stupity is a virus.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments My company doesn't give access for anyone below Coach level (the first level of supe) to initiate an email to any company groups. Of course, you can still build your own groups in outlook, but still. Of course, they still have the "Reply All" button. Fortunately, most of my co-workers (about 500 or so in my call center) are fairly intelligent. A friend of mine works for Dish Network, and he told me that not only do they not have *any* internet access, Level 1 CSR's don't even have company email. At all. -missourimule

112. You aren't listening.. Part 4 ME: Sir? Cust: I look in device manager and it is... ME: Sir? Cust: SXU700DLLL. ME: Sir? Cust: Yes? ME: Please understand, I can't help you with this, you nee... Cust: What do you mean? ME: I understand what you are saying sir, unfortunately due to the time frame you need to talk to either my department manager or the manuf... Cust: No, you aren't listening. ME: (click...) MR. DIALTONE. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments i thought it would be a boring story but i have experiences like those and for some weird cust satisfaction issue you shouldn't but in the same should go for the customer's when we are talking :D -crzevash Ordinarily I wouldn't have, but as this was now getting into 10 mins of trying to get past the heavy accent and coming close to not completing my closing proceedures (which means EVERYONE still here has to wait for me) and I'd already warned him in trying to tell him for the last 5 mins that I couldn't help.... I'm sure it was an issue with the language barrier (me english.. him.. umm...) -spectreoflife Nah - s'not a language barrier. You - English. Him - dickhead. -Gromit gromit, that IS a language barrier... i dont think any of us here speak dickhead :D -slowANDeasy Nonsense, S&E - we have a resident expert in Dickhead. Victor! Damn - he's never around when you need him... -Gromit Not touching that one.... -TheMage18

113. You aren't listening... Part 3 ME: Well sir, unfortunately I can't do much to help you with that over the phone, you need to wait for the manufacturer of the software to help you with that or if you wish to discuss returning it, you need to call tomorrow when the department manager is working and talk to him. Cust: So how do I get the drive to work? ME: Sir? Cust: I've had it for two months and it's not working. ME: Sir? Cust: I talked to Sony who said I needed the full version.. ME: Sir? Cust: And so I got the full version and it didn't work either. ME: SIR.. if you do not let me finish talking I will have no choice but to hang up on you. Cust: Okay. ME: You need to talk to the manufacter of the software to get them to help you with troubleshooting or talk to (boss) in the morning, unfor..... Cust: And the drive shows up as something completely different. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

114. You aren't listening... Part 2 Cust: So, even since I got this I am having trouble with the software. *Lasps into french* So, I can't burn DVD's and it not work and I call the manufacturer and they tell me I need the full version. So I get it and it still not work. ME: (*understanding comes after I get him to repeat what he said*) So have you contacted the manufacturer of the software you bought the full version from? Cust: Not really, I called but I didn't want to wait and hung up. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

115. You aren't listening... part 1 Now, it should be stated first, I have nothing against the French or against people from Quebec or those that have english as a second language. That being said, I had a call, right after we closed for the night, I answered with just identifying the store. Cust: Is this your computer department? ME: Yes, bu.. Cust: I got this here DRX-710UL drive from you two months ago. ME: (okay, I'll be nice and hear him out for a bit, continue with closing stuff and listen) [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

116. Attitude. ME: "<Store Spiel>", SF: "Do you have the USB to PCI adapter?" ME: *Thinking: Has to be the PCI USB Host card...* "Yes, it's $29.99" SF: "Well, <competitor> has it for $19.99." ME: "Could be a difference in quality of the product." SF: "Do you haave the serial to USB adapter?" ME: "Yes, it's $29.99." SF: *In a snotty tone* "Is everything $30?" ME: *straight laced* "No, we have several computers at $500 and up." SF: "Now you're just giving me attitude." ME: "Okay, have a nice day." *me hanging up the phone click* [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Better closing line: "Yes, sir. And it's free!" <click> :~} -RiffRaff Riff gives it away for free? Probably cause he cant get $29.99 for it. BUHAAHAHAH!!!!!1 <runs for shelter> -burrkiss Hey, burrkiss, you wanna pick up your knuckles while you're running? You keep leaving tracks in the carpet. -RiffRaff Um, Riff, it's only 3 lines. I don't think it's his knuckles that are dragging. ;) -Tekkie You know something we don't, Tekkie? Nevermind, that's a picture I'm sure many of us don't want. *grabs the bleach* -missourimule once had a prick on the phone tell me i had an attitude, dont know what he ment i was trying to be polite to the gormless twat and all he was doing was giving me shit, so i tell him " i only have 2 attitudes... if you dont like this one your sure as hell not gonna like the other". seemed to shut him up and he was off the phone in a few minutes -GefahrMaus

117. How much did your IQ drop? Part II So, just to prove how stupid he really is, he comes back in the middle of this lovely freezing rain stuff and asks me a question expecting me to be totally paying attention when I haven't even seen him yet. Turn, ask him to repeat that and get, "I see the tag for this product but can't find the product." Me: "Well, if it's not there it's probably out of stock, lets have a look." Walk over, he points at the tag, I read it, read the product it refers to RIGHT above it.... Me: "That would be this," pointing right at the W/L router right above the tag. SF: "Really, that's what that is?" NO YOU PENCIL NECKED PEA-BRAIN! I'm just pointing at this cause I feel like a supermodel. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments You mean your name isn't Vanna White? *tuck and run* -missourimule I sometimes feel like a supermodel too, but Mrs. Gromit won't let me have one. -Gromit "And this can be yours...if the price is right!" -hkypipe Gromit: They do make good pets. -missourimule

118. How much did your IQ drop? Part I So yesterday this SF comes into the store and asks "Where the wireless MICE are and which one works with the wireless on my laptop." Me: "That's a different standard sir, wireless mice need a transmitter that's plugged into the USB port." SF: "Okay, what about the one's that work off your wireless." Me: "There aren't any." SF: "What do you mean?" Me: "You can not have a wireless mouse without that thing sticking out of the USB port." SF: "Oh.. same thing with Bluetooth mice?" Me: "Unless the laptop has it, yes, same thing." SF: "What about the PC Card slot Bluetooth/Wireless Mice cards?" Me: "Haven't seen one of those, search google." [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

119. Should it be doing that? This starfish should be made to walk the plank, but he'd probably flourish and breed. SF bought a stick of memory, took it home and installed it in his PC. We got a call a while later, SF: "I put the memory in and turned on my PC. I noticed it wasn't recognizing the memory so I checked and sure enough, it wasn't pushed in all the way. So I pushed it in and then it started on fire and smoke started pouring out of the case. Should it be doing that?" [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments "no, but to fix it you have to grab ahold of those bare wires in there, oh and be sure to wet your hands first!" -RandalGraves should it be doing that ? the ultimate starfish question. its on fire should it be? -slappyslomo Yes sir, that's quite normal, and if your house burns down too, that's normal. -robbor Tech: What do you think, sparky? Oh, wait a minute...I've asked you to think & it is perfectly clear you are not capable of that. In answer to your question, NO! It shouldn't emit smoke, ever. Now be a good little starfish & take your (now farked) PC to a reputable tech (not Mel, Bob, 'bloke down the pub', 'mate of mine who once walked past PC World' or any other farkwit who posesses the technical capacity of a furby) & get your PC fixed. If you get laughed at by said tech, all well & good, 'cos you sure deserve it. -lineswine Reminds me of a call we got from one of our stores a couple of years ago. Mgr: There's smoke coming from one of my registers. Us: Turn it off. Mgr: But my cashier is still logged on. Us: Turn. It. Off. Mgr: But there's still cash in the drawers. Us: Turn! It! Off! Mgr: But we haven't "closed" it for the day. Us: TURN IT OFF!!!! Mgr: but..but..but US: TURN IT OFF! IT'S ON FIRE! TURN IT OFF NOW!!! Mgr: Okay, if you think it's best. But... US: TURN IT OFF AND CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT! THERE'S A FIRE IN YOUR STORE! SMOKE ISN'T NORMAL!!! Mgr: Okay, it's off. Now what? (etc.) -Captain Trips

120. Cat Bathroom? Not me personally, but one of the guys I worked with 6 or 7 years ago was out on a call at a customers cable install. Chair that was in front of the customer's PC looked pretty funky so he grabbed one of the one's from the dining room set. I guess the smell from all the other chairs didn't clue him in to the fact that the cat in the house was suffering from umm... the runs... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story

121. We are on wireless. Co-worker was out at a client's house trying to fix their w/l networking. Gets in and goes upstairs and looks at the setup and asks them about it. They told him that as they couldn't get get reception they moved the receiver to where it was getting good reception. They then ran a line back to the pc from the receiver (a w/l bridge). So he asked where the reception was best, and was told right beside the w/l router. So he asked why they didn't just plug it into the router, and got told because then they wouldn't be on wireless. Shortly there after the lightbulb went on. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Light went on what? Their puny little brains? Set warp factor to 'deep fry'... -namor What what what? Only 3 watts, you're a dim light. </goons> -Gerund really? they actually GOT it?and it didn;t brequier a detailed diagram and puppet show? can I hire these people? have they thought of the rewarding career as feild technicians? -Harm So let me get this straight... Customer has a w/l bridge sitting right next to the w/l router and they ran a cable from the bridge to the PC they wanted hooked up wirelessly? *brain disappears in a puff of anti-logic* -flapjackboy makes perfect sense to me... -xtc46

122. City Morgue A friend of mine once answered his home phone: "Hello, City Morgue. You kill 'em, we chill 'em, you stab 'em, we slab 'em. How may I help you? <pause> Oh, Hi Mom." Except for the part at the end, I wonder if it'd be worth answering the phone this way till they came in and fired me... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Setty's Morgue and Diner, you stab 'em we slab 'em. -or- Jimmy's Mortuary and Delicatesen, you kill 'em we grill 'em. -exzyle2k My dad would answer our home phone with the following: "Frank's Whorehouse. Father & Son specials, how may we help you?" -Bobsentme Up until recently I had on our answering machine, "You've reached the Happy House. We're unable to take your call because we're out in the back yard performing some bizarre ritual you probably don't want to know the details of. So leave us a message and we'll call you back!" I got called a pig... heheheh -teivrann My cell phone currently says something about a disembodied voice and aliens recording the message, I think. I have to remember the whorehouse one, then - you don't often get a straight answer around here. -namor One of my friends always answered her phone "Opera Winfrey's hotline" -Taterlain i had the message on my machine say "im sorry, im not at home right now....." and so on. My mom called and left me a msg that stated that i shouldnt say im not home, i should say im unavailable. I changed my msg to "im sorry, im not at home righ.....wait, my mom says to say im unavailable" needless to say, she liked that one even less -ViciousPenguin "City Morgue. Parts desk." -Jay911 One for the Red Dwarf fans; “Howdy Dowdy Do. Toasty toasters the name Toasting the game. Got board one day and toasted the answerphone. Now you’ll have to leave your message with me after the tone. <Pause> Can I interest you in a toasted tea cake? <Tone> -ChillyPenguin I like to answer as relay 1, echo 2, or with a random color such as maize or chartruse. -PolarCoyote I sometimes answer the phone with "Battersea Dog's home" Or "London Zoo". Once answered a phone in an all girls boarding school I was visiting with "Rodean Bakery, which tart would you like?" -NightRain I always liked "Jake's Mule Barn, head ass speaking!" -GargoyleTS Let me see... there was "geekgirl's summer home, summer home, summer not..." and after repeatedly saying "hello" on a call "Fine.... HELL! Which demon would you like to speak to?" -GeekGirl I once answered the phone, "Dodger stadium, second base speaking." My roommate's father was quick on the updraw, though, and replied, "Darnit, I was trying to reach the pitcher's mound!" -Captain Trips lol my dad used to anser the phone similarly when i was a teenager - 'kellys morgue - no, shes not here, she dealing with a corpse'..or 'kellys woodyard, shes out the back chopping wood'...my friends thought was silly fun - once they got over shock;) -timelady Portable Prostitutes. You Fuck em, we truck em. -burrkiss I gave up on this one after hearing a LOOOONG silence on the other end. A friend was calling to tell me a college buddy of his had died in a car crash. OUCH! -CTYankee Managed to answer the phone here on one of the inside lines with "Who Flung's Chinese Restaurant"... of course, it was one of our higher ups here... thank goodness she had a sense of humor and had seen that episode of Are You Being Served! -GeekGirl Sheesh, where should I start... I had one of those machines where the tape was a loop of 10-20 seconds so I gathered a few tapes and would change them regularly. "Thank you for calling Roger Frogtwat's Tedious Phone Sex. Press 1 to talk dirty to an accountant. Press 2 to have phone sex with Uncle Mel." - (breathy) "Hi, you've reached The Mushroom's HHHOTTT Adult Chat! All of our girls are at Safeway buying condiments, so leave a message..." - (loop of fast burps playing on the computer) "Hi, you've reached Mushroom, but I'm being abducted by aliens." I only got hit once for my humor, I was at Pizza Hut and the call was for me so I answered "Disco Clap, you'll catch it, you'll spread it." [MAD magazine flexidisk reference] The woman calling me was a woman I'd been hanging out with who had JUST discovered minutes ago I'd slept with her daughter. Bad timing. -Mushroom I got tired of people hanging up when they got the answer message on my mobile, so I changed it to "CSurfer Hello...<Pause> Can't complain and you..." I got a lot of people talking to me before they realised it's the answer phone. At least I had a better idea of who called me. -CSurfer "Serge's house of bondage how may i hurt you?" or my personal fav when someone calls you just answer the phone like youve called to order a pizza. as soon as you pick up go into it " yeah id like to have a large pepperoni with extra cheeze delivered." most people will tell you theyre not a pizza place just tell them "sorry wrong number" and hang up. got that from calvin and hobbes -GefahrMaus I was liked "Joe's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em". Before I junked the answer phone I used to have the Springfield police department rescue phone sound bite from the Simpsons, The one were Bart thinks Ned killed Maud. It used to be a great laff playing back the messages. I once got some woman who left a message of "Oh i'm sorry i was trying to dial *me* but I seem to have come through to a police station" Obviously didn't listen to the whole message. LOL -Armakuni Actually answered a call from my boss when he called my cell phone while on a service call: "TD's Grill & Pub, home of the famous $0.69 Rump Roast." That stemmed from a conversation he and I had while driving back from a job site we worked at together on the topic of me cooking dinner for myself and my fiancee. -cecil36 "Uh, I'd like a large piiza to go with no anchovies." "No anchovies? You've got the wrong man. I spell my name DANGER." <click> "What??" </FiresignTheater> -SalParadise For the longest time, my answering machine had a sound bite from the Batman cartoon, with the Joker saying: "Boy, did you get the wrong number! Leave your name after the shreik..." <insert poor dude screaming here> -Amiga5000 My outgoing message is "Hi. This is the refrigerator. The answering machine is recovering from a horrible accident..." I want to change it...but to what? -Dreamstalker I tend to answer "Ghostbusters, New Mexico office". The callers I'm expecting (friends, family) know it's me and ignore the opening, but the telemarketers get confused. Part of our campus is haunted, although I've never actually seen whatever it is. -Dreamstalker i got this from an old Reader's Digest: "you have reached the home of a police officer. you have the right to remain silent, and to know that anything you say may be held against you. if you choose to give up the right to remain silent, leave your message after the beep." -Erictheblue

123. Repeaters OM<diety>.. how the <place of damnation and suffering> do they breed so fast? And the mutation into goldfish as well! (ie: Memory and attention span of less than 30 seconds) AND MY NAME IS NOT BUD. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Sorry to hear that, Bud. <g> -Vermiis Bad day, Bud? -Mushroom Tell us how you REALLY feel, Bud. -T23M Well then can I call you Freddie Baby? </Python> -Gerund Bud, dats whad I herd... -imawreque Bud the C.H.U.D.? -Amiga5000

124. How long does it take... Apparently it takes only 17 seconds for someone on hold to get angry at being on hold. Funny, it only takes "I'm a computer idiot/moron/stupid/incompotent" comment to get me annoyed.. I can tell you are, after the 5th or so time I'm just wondering if your just plain stupid. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments "if you're just plain stupid." Sorry guys. Have to do this once in a while. -512kb This is where I enjoy my freedom to say what I want to the customer. "Well sir it take time to answer because, I get some people who's first sentence is an insult, it then takes time to write a note against the account as to why I had the right to hangup the phone" <click> -PID1 512kb, have you ever considered medication for that OCD you have? -RiffRaff Shouldn't that be O. C. D. Riff? <ducks, runs giggling to LART shelter> hee hee hee! SPLARK! *thump* <falls to ground unconscious, having caught Riff's long-distance LART from behind> -soccerdude Oh, great... it's farking contagious. <LARTs soccerdude again while he's down> ;~} -RiffRaff

125. Cell Hell? I know that there are good techs, bad techs and all other sorts. However, I received a bill for a cell phone that was cancelled 7 months ago and a credit card bounce charge (card was cancelled) on said bill. To tell me that it isn't your problem because no one noted it under my file doesn't matter to me. It only means your co-worker is too incompotent to make a note of it or cancel it. The fact remains that the service hasn't been used, I have cancelled it, you are going to make the entirety of the bill go away now. However, I wonder how a month later I'm still having to deal with the fact that even the one rep isn't able to cancel everything and you think that I still owe you for the bounced charges on the card that you weren't legally allowed to continue to make in the first place. I guess that proves that the starfish can be anywhere. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments The wife was changing over to a new phone but cancelled it on the spot when the sales girl was wrong about whether it would cost any money up front. She got a bill for $900 for a cancelled 3 year contract a month later. When she phoned in to cancel this charge, I heard the bill guy say, "Ok, I've cleared it up", and the call ended. She then wondered why I started laughing after she got off the phone. I said, "That guy did nothing about this issue. If he had, it would have taken at least 3 minutes or more to do that." She said, "Sometimes, you are so cynical", and the same bill came next month with late charges on a $900 bill. Next call, the supervisor admits the billing guy was too farkin lazy to fix it (and left his name on a dumped ticket). -SFishWrangler

126. Slot-loading CD-ROM So the customer brings in a PC for fixing, problem is that her slot-loading CD-ROM with multi-disc capacity is malfunctioning and not reading the CD's nor is it spitting them back out. We look at it. You know what a slot-loading CD-ROM looks like? We, we looked.... and couldn't find it. We see your standard tray CD-ROM, but nothing else. We do notice a semi large GAP between the CD-ROM and the case.... couldn't be you've got to be thinking. Pop the case, sure enough, 4 CD's laying on the bottom.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Take chainsaw. Saw slot in starfish's forehead. Jam in AOL CD. Call it artificial intelligence. -teivrann When I started reading I figured, 'neat, someone encountering one of those old NEC 4x4 drives'I had one and it was soo handy. Then I realised it was another dumb ass fishie. -fearmyroot I encountered one a long time ago, took forever to spit out a cd *lol* -spectreoflife I've got one of those NEC 4-by's sitting on a shelf. Lovely thing, but at 4x just a little too slow... on the other hand, I might put that and a single into a K6-550, would be pretty decent for Riven on CD, no? -chazz Recently built my server with all almost obsolete SCSI stuff. Includes a slot-load 4X CD-Rom. Have a couple of externals, even. I get some use from it. -namor I have a slot-loading 6 disc changer for my car. Didn't know they ever made them for computers. -thx1138

127. PC Treasure Top 3 things found inside a computer case: (#3) A spelunkers head lamp, (#2) a toy dart (plastic tip & feathers, metal in the middle), (#1) 2lbs of BC's finest grass. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments 2 pounds of BC bud, hm? Hell of an air freshener... -teivrann Yo, dude! Let's hide our stash in the computer, man! The cops'll *never* think to look in there! *snicker* -RiffRaff These days here in BC, that much is more or less safe on the kitchen table.... well maybe I'm exaggerating but not by much... -stpatience Okay stash inside computer, computer generates heat = whole place smells of pot. Not a good place to hide it in my estimation (my flatmates at univeristy used to hide their stash in my thigh-high boots...) -CommanderData CD... thigh high boots..... <brain overload... warning warning> -rockytech rockytech- CD getting MARRIED, SO lart overload, warning... warning... LOL -HappyCrappy I know. I am trying to hide in the LART shelter but she will find me... -rockytech Okay, 2 pounds can fit in an empty case but in a case with a working comp along with accompanying components? How will that fit?? -stpatience LART shelter isn't a safe enough location from CD, especially not since I can entice people out of it by wearing said thigh-high boots....(you can post messages of sympathy to fuzzyom if you like - he's got no LART shelter to run to now!) -CommanderData That still leaves me safe, CD. Even if I think you look great in 'em. *grin* -teivrann looking is free, its touching that gets your fingers broken :P -Mephiston 2Lb of BC bud!?/ ok at $12/g ( assumming its good)that about (28 g/o right?)about $11000 - not thats a 2 lb woudl fit in a case... lets call it 2 O and thats about $700 - not bad for a computer repair. you DID keep it right? * axiously reaching for papers* -Harm Bricks would fit. vacume seal and compress them. -Slatavus

128. Starfish are breeding. Hi, (store). Starfish: Is this (store). Whiskey Tank Foxhole! (Almost said no and hung up) So, like you guys fixed my pc last week and now I can't run one piece of software. Me: What's that? Starfish: The Sims. Me: Have you gone to EA's website to see if anything interfers with it, have you checked the CD itself? OI! [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments I refused to support games. You buy a game and it doesn't work, talk to the game manufacturer/support line. -Gerund hate them, and they want Us to give them free techsupport for thier games -Deadagent

129. Really, this is computers.. Hello, (store) computer department, how may I help you? SF: Is this (store)? ME: Yes... SF: Can I speak to the computer department? ME: Yes, how may I help you? SF: Oh, this is computers? ME: (WOULD LOVE TO SAY) Yes you nitwit, this is the computer department of (store), speak your bit and let me go away to the LART shelter... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Hello welcome to McDonalds how may I help you? " Is this McDonalds?" "Umm....yes" "Do you sell burgers?" "Uhh..." "Can I order a car?" -gongshow69 sounded funnier in my head..can i delete that? It's late I wanna go home... -gongshow69

130. Bad day? Sir, the starfish have escaped tier 3. We just a report that Johnson was found huddled under his desk muttering about "Ethical cables". No, we're not sure where that came from, we're trying not to think about it. Yes, we'll... OH DEAR (deity).. teir 1 just went red queue, NO DON'T LISTEN.. the horror. Fredicks is down, it's okay son, no, they don't include coffee cup holders with PC's, yes, we know.... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments This must be the prelude to the tech story DD started in the breakroom. -wolfprince Heh... no, but I can just imagine, have a lot of friends that don't work for (TECH SUPPORT COMPANY). Don't work for as they can't say where they work... TAKE OFF YOUR NAME BADGES THEN! *LOL* -spectreoflife BADGES!!! We Don't need no STINKING BADGES!!!! -StylinTechie LOL @ Stylin - I haven't seen UHF in years - must throw the DVD in the DVD player when I get off work. -compaq42

131. Looking for Adobe... Work for a retailer and got this call one day.. C: How much is Adobe Photoshop? Me: $1200. C: And Illustrator? Me: $1200.. and so on for the entire family of Adobe products. Me (Eventually): So can I order any of these in for you? C: No, I just wanted to see how much money I saved by downloading them all off this website.... Heard of piracy? I hope they were infected with 10 different virus', strictly just for wasting my time. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments "How much do you think it will cost to keep you in prison?" -Jay911 Ok sir, for demographic purposes could I get your name, phone number, and address? thanks. <BFEG> -OgdenTechGuy Caller ID, http://411.com/reverse_phone, http://www.bsa.org/usa/report/ Problem solved. -maciarc

132. Hard of Hearing Me: Good afternoon, (store), how may I help you? C: Do you have the new apple iMac's in stock? Me: No, unfortunately we're past the ETA of middle of September and still haven't gotten them. C: What does the new 20" look like? Me: I'm sorry sir, our stock hasn't arrived yet and.. C: Well can you tell me how much they'll be? Me: I'm sorry sir, we don't know as we... C: (Now yelling and talking over the answer, again) CAN YOU TELL ME WHEN YOU EXPECT THEM? Me: I don't know, as they've already missed the ETA they gave us 2 months ago. C: So you can't sell me one right away? Me: No, sorry. C: Well, I was going to get it from you, but (store) has them so I'll get em from there. Me: I'm sorry to hear that sir, have a nice night. ---Then get them from there and stop being pissed at me because Apple can't learn how to drive a truck to a place on time with enough stuff to feed your need. SF. [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Is this a common problem? My mom ended up buying an eMac because the store she went to didn't have the new iMac in stock. (Of course she also said the salesperson was struggling with some woman who said she wanted her computer to be chrome-colored so that it would match her dining room table, but that's just an entirely different subject.) -LSMplayer Ya, Apple always underestimates. Take the iPod, we've sold maybe 6 or 7 of the mini and could have probably sold 50. And this is out in the boonies. -spectreoflife

133. Regular or Decaf? So we get a response back from Viewsonic repair center that the damage to the customers monitor isn't covered due to coffee spilt inside. Customers response when informed of this is to ask: "Can they tell if it's regular or decaf?" Puzzled us ask why. "Well, if its one or the other, I know which person in the office to strangle." Silly customer leaves his monitor on a desk in the path to and from the coffee pots I guess... [By: spectreoflife] Comment on Story Comments Tell him he can come and lick it off himself to tell the difference. Leave it plugged in. -namor Better to just strangle everyone that may be responsible, and let <deity> sort them out. -chefque I've had the fun of calling customers back and telling them their monitor damage isn't under warranty because of liquid (coke/coffee/water) spilled inside. -Starfury Classic. -ShutitAndReboot

Customer Misconceptions

2. Should I happen to catch you chewing gum like your first name should be Cow and the gum is your cud, you will assume that any question you ask will sound intelligent regardless of what you are after. Case in point would be asking me for a product that's been obsolete for the past 5 years or so. [2012-12-24]

3. Just because your "Hair is on fire" doesn't mean that I will drop everyone else's repair down the toilet or whatever orifice you would like them to disappear down so I can fix your problem RIGHT NOW! Well, I still have like 3 of those, one I've diverted to my boss that should fecking know better than to leave me with 3 HioF repairs and expect me to ignore all of those because he told the last guy to come in and see me. [2012-11-22]

4. That keeping the (company) USB digital internet stick to use on the other computers you have will allow me to figure out why it's not working on the Apple computer that you signed in for work. I'm not sure which to think is more idiotic, the customer or the person that accepted the computer in that way. [2011-01-25]

5. A customer misconception: That it's not going to fry a few brain cells when you interrupt an explanation about the difference between Adobe Acrobat Reader and Adobe Acrobat with the question of: I don't understand what you mean by edit. (The statement she was interrupting was if you want to edit or change the content of a pdf....) [2010-09-12]

6. If someone calls you and gets (assorted family member and not you) that when said family member says the phone is for you, it's okay for you proceed to continue to clean up kitchen or cook or whatever for another 30 seconds or so. Of course the person that's taken time from what they're doing will still be on the line, hmm... well, guess not tonight. [2010-09-03]

7. That my boss (who's on vacation right now) will remember you because you purchased something from us within the last year because he authorized your check. This despite the fact that you can't give me the number that was used for the purchase, the name it was bought under or anything useful for looking up proof of purchase! [2010-08-01]

8. That's funny to respond to us asking, "How may I help you today?", with, "You can give me a free (laptop/computer/dildo)." [2010-08-01]

9. That when you come to a place that has a PS3 demo with a screen about 6' up from the floor that it is a good idea to sit on the floor with your low rider jeans and show everyone your Stewie (Family Guy) boxers... at least I hope they are boxers... who's got the brain bleach? [2010-04-09]

10. Saying that you are not impatient and that there's no rush is not completely contradicted by calling every day for an update. The part will get here when it gets here. [2009-09-18]

11. Strong body smell from a woman that likely can't see her toes is attractive and will not cause others to try not to throw up in their throat. [2009-09-18]

12. When you read Linksys it's going to be perfectly acceptable to continue to say that my daughter has a Linkskii router. Further, it's okay to be surprised that when it asks for a password, you are told that you have to get that from your daughter, I can't give it to you. [2009-09-18]

13. That wireless on a notebook means that you can use it anywhere. Sales drones everywhere need to get beat with OTIS every time I hear that on the phone, how much effort does it take to esplain to the good folks what a router is and why you need to have one to use wireless. [2009-09-18]

14. So, if you are the grandmother of young lady (yes, cute but beside the point and the young lady, not the grandma) it's perfectly fine to act in a huff and interject comments whenever you think I need to hear you and not the (cute) young lady that happens to own the notebook that's being discussed. Further, it's fine to ask me if they are making things better these days so they don't break and get pissy when I explain that most manufacturers don't count on a cousin running through the room and stomping on the LCD. [2009-09-14]

15. Repeatedly ignoring a politely said and politely worded statement such as, "Hi, I'll be right with you," means to start talking about your problem immediately. GIVE ME THE BAT! [2009-09-08]

16. Game doesn't scan in the till, so... it must mean: "Oh, guess that means it's free!" Me: "No, it just means I have to work harder." Unsaid at the end but thought, "You stupid unoriginal GIT." Him: "Well, if it was free, you wouldn't have to work harder." Me with no words to counter such logic without making a grown man cry, no, you stupid GIT, means not only is it not free, I've also heard that lame ass joke about a million times. [2009-08-29]

17. So when trying to help someone pick out the right computer, one of the things we usually ask is what do you use it for, the typical response is, "Oh, just personal stuff." So... when I get my mind reading intuition gene spliced in next Tuesday from last, I'll know what your personal stuff is. [2009-06-14]

18. If when you "roll" into the space that I am working and you are wearing a top that doesn't quite cover all the way to the jeans, it's okay to let yourself "roll" over the top of your jeans and out from under your top. [2009-04-02]

19. That after you "double-click" on my Computer when asked to "right-click" and go to properties it's okay to say in a panicky voice everything that's listed in My Computer. Also that I will not ask if you have your mouse buttons reversed or ask if you just double clicked on the left mouse button instead of doing the requested "right-click". [2008-11-01]

20. That when you say, "I'm a "MacPerson" and my friend has Vista and he has Antivirus 2008," and then stop.................... that I will know instantly not only what it is that your friend has (that lovely malware and not Symantec or Bitdefender or AVG or anyone of a hundred different legitimate programs) and that you want me to tell you what program will get rid of all of it. Further, that when you started sputtering over the suggestion that he bring it in to get fixed that this will open the "Well of Understanding" TM and fix your friend otherwise... I'm still waiting for someone to fix him. [2008-09-17]

21. That either my boss or myself will care if you complain that I'm miserable because I answered his question of where my boss was (on lunch break) and when he'd be back (I didn't know and was plainly busy) that were asked while signing in a repair with another customer. [2008-04-18]

22. That a person will not take offense at being told you didn't clean a case because there is a tiny dust bunny in the front of the case that got missed after taking out almost a cup of hair and dust bunnies from the inside of the case (gag). [2008-01-16]

23. That after calling up twice and asking for something not even close to a computer product and getting transferred to the right department, that on the third call in I will: have the number for the right department memorized, and that I will not put you on hold while I finish helping the original person I keep interrupting before grabbing a phone book... of course, I didn't envision whacking him in the face with said phone book at all. [2007-07-21]

24. Further misconception is that said toner explosion is our fault for not helping him into the store with said unit and that we owe him a new one! (Apparently this nugget talked management down to getting said unit cleaned.. 4 hours later.. eh, it may work) [2007-04-27]

25. Customer brings in his HP Color Laserjet 1500L in for getting it setup on a couple of computers he has also brought in. The misconception comes into play that it's okay to transport it on it's side -with- all 4 toners still in the unit... toner everywhere. [2007-04-27]

26. Customer, former neighbor, is under the impression that it's okay to leave a message for me before 8am telling me that no one is to touch his printer and computers but me when I get to work. Umm... ya, and that deserves a "I'll think about asking about it when I get to work..." (yes, next 2 posts are the same nugget). [2007-04-27]

27. Asking me for the price of CD's when it's labeled right in front of the product will not get me to say that's it's right in front, nor that I will not walk out to confirm and then tell you the price from the tags there. [2006-07-31]

28. Actually more of a Co-Irker Misconception... that changing the schedule of another co-worker without asking that co-worker (me) or confirming with the boss, that neither of the prior two mentioned people won't be puzzled and will switch it back without bothering to consult with the Co-Irker in question. Came into work to find my schedule changed and the boss asking if I'd agreed to the change. Made even more funny as one of the days I'm not available for given that it's the first day of my holidays. In fairness, the boss screwed up by making the Co-Irker work on the two days that he'd also requested (after I had for vacation) for his birthday. [2006-06-26]

29. When you call up and say, "I have a motherboard, and I need RAM for it and I need to know what type it takes, it's an AMD K7," that I can magically peer through the phone and get the rest of the info from the board to answer the question. Further more that the response will not be, "So do I unfortunately, what you can do is find it in the manual or go to the website of the manufacturer and find out there." Now get off my phone. [2006-06-15]

30. Taping small copper strips to the notebook in various spots will prevent the goverment from seeing what's on your notebook and make it run faster. [2006-02-20]

31. Customer was asked what you plan to print with the printer you are looking to buy and he responded with: Anything that's on the printer, which one would you (as in me) recommend. Apparently I am now endowed with the powers of telepathy to be able to pull that out of your mind... (hey, what's all this space in here.... o.O) [2006-02-20]

32. That when you come into say that you want to by a w/l router that feeds off your neighbours cable because you don't want to pay for it yourself, I will instantly know the perfect device to do this for you or that I will fail to understand that you mean to steal someone else's service. "You know, the device that feeds off several peoples internet in a 300' radius." O.O [2006-01-21]

33. Just because you have heard of an item or found it on the net, we are going to have it and be able to give you chapter and verse for everything about it. Want your rose colored glasses now? [2005-10-11]

34. That I like hearing your sigh of disgust/disappointment over the fact that we don't have what you are looking for immediately on hand. Nor will it suddenly cause me to pull one out of thin air or between your ears to suddenly give you gratification. [2005-05-15]

35. Remember, spandex is a priviledge, not a right, and definitely not one that a man should be proving.... *twitches a little..* I'm fine... *twitch* *twitch* really... [2005-03-13]

36. That when you are a friend of the boss you can yell at me from 20' away and get an answer more than that he is at lunch before I turn back to helping the customer that I am attempting to despite your rudeness. Further, that I will not totally ignore you while I am now finished for the moment and instead am now listening to my customer. And that further I will be encouraged to do anything other than give you just the basic info while you wander around waiting for said boss. This one gives starfish a bad name. [2005-02-12]

37. That because you've done part of what I'm attempting to explain to, doesn't mean that my explaination is finished and you can start talking telling me that you've already done that part. Nor does it mean that I will stop talking or starting the explaination over and over until you stop talking and allow me to say all that needs to be said about the question in order to help you with the problem you asked about. [2005-01-24]

38. That because you've done part of what I'm attempting to explain to, doesn't mean that my explaination is finished and you can start talking telling me that you've already done that part. Nor does it mean that I will stop talking or starting the explaination over and over until you stop talking and allow me to say all that needs to be said about the question in order to help you with the problem you asked about. [2005-01-22]

39. Letting loose with the most foul smelling fart WHILE I'm standing right next to you most definitely isn't helpful.. nor are the 4 or 5 brothers and sisters the first had.. I can't even stand to go to the place in the store the person did that. Heard of your car? Or outside? Hell, hold it... no don't. You might explode with that much gas. [2004-09-30]

40. Asking the question that I am currently answering as part of the prior question isn't you anticipating me. It's just really annoying. Even more so when I have to wait for you to finish asking something completely different to the first to question before I can get back to answering the first one. Getting mad at me for not answering your first question because you've asked me the third one isn't helpful either... [2004-09-26]

Tech Rules

2. First day back from having two weeks off will mean that you will spend the entire day doing nothing but paperwork for repairs that have come back and stuff that's been mangled by the person covering the techwork while you've been off. [2010-06-14]

3. If expect that after you ask a tech that has already tried to explain the concept of the possibility of an intermittant failure if he/she is trained and qualified to work on <Manufacturer> computers that he will remain completely polite and professional. GIVE. ME. THE. BAT! [2010-03-29]

4. It's going to be a fun repair when the diagnostic utilities come up with this little gem: "The utilities were not able to load because a RAMDISK could not be found. Something is definitely wrong here. Good luck tracking it down." [2008-03-17]

5. If you have some friends that you haven't seen in ages show up at work and stay for a bit to catch up, almost every luser that you hope never to see will show up for the rest of the night. *sighs* [2007-07-12]

6. I swear that the customer/eu level of incompetence is growing exponentially. [2004-10-02]

Customer Types

2. Too stupid to own a computer... After having a salesperson/tech (myself in this case) point to a monitor and tell you that this monitor here costs $$$, the customer asks, "What do you mean by monitor?" [2011-09-17]

3. Dr. Deaf... Apparently at least one doctor in town is deaf, what follows is a conversation I just had with him: (me) Hi, (store) Computer Department, could you hold for a moment please? (doctor) Ya Hi, "my_boss'_name"? (me) Sorry, he's in today but not here at the moment, thanks for holding. [2011-06-28]

4. Paranoid or unfortunately delusional... Customer was sure that her mac was being hacked because she saw the process for an iPod in the list of running programs. That and the windows people were logging in and changing her preferences in under 5 minutes after she'd changed them and clicked the lock option so they couldn't be changed. [2010-07-05]

5. Peeee-u This is the customer that lets one... -squeak- out when they are standing beside you. Seriously, get a cork.. of course, what can you say to a woman that can't hold it in... [2007-08-18]

6. Stupidous Interruptus Previously I'd discovered the customer type of the Interruptus. Today I discovered a horrible spawn that has come from the Interruptus, apparently a Stupidous and an Interruptus have been breeding! This individual often interrupts but instead of asking for something else in relation to your current topic, it's to say that you are being too technical. This contains such gems as being asked to be more general with your terminology like, wireless and internet on the remote iMac. They will ask you to not use those technical terms, but use words a normal human could understand. [2007-06-10]

7. Hearing Impaired This is the customer type that obviously doesn't listen to half or all of what you are saying. IE: (Me opening speel..) HIC: Hi do you have the PS3? ME: No, unfortunately the manfacturer is direct shipping this to all retailers and we haven't received any yet, we also can't hold any, make a list or presell any as we don't know how many we'll be getting. HIC: Oh, so, do you know how many you'll be getting? ME: No, we don't know how many will be shipped or if they will get to us before the release date on Friday. HIC: So, how about your other stores? Do you know how many they will be getting? ME: No, the same circumstances apply to all retailers for this product. HIC: Oh, so I just have to wait I guess? [2006-11-15]

8. The Interrupter. <rant>The Interrupter is one that frequently can't shut their pie hole long enough to fill the silence between their ears. It doesn't matter if you are asking a question to try and help them, or that the question or comment they make would be solved almost everytime just by listening to what they have just interrupted. This type will also get annoyed when you start to answer the first thing they asked instead of the last thing they asked, probably because it no longer exists for them and now you are ignoring their questions and concerns!</rant> I know this has been brought up before, but damnit... when is the inhumanity going to end!?!?!? *sighs* At least it's only another hour to go and then a day away from the madness. [2006-06-01]

9. The Cow... This is a person that will chew their bubblegum like a cow but right in your face for the entire time you're talking to them... [2006-03-24]

10. The Dislexic This is the customer that will say names or accronyms in the wrong order. Such as the "UBS" (Univeral Bus Serial???) or the "Bodie Picture thing" (Adobe Photoshop). This has also been done with movie titles by a friend of mine, really don't know what she was thinking when she said, "I want to go see the new movie with Will Smith, you know, I.B.M." (Which of course was Men In Black.. and if you rearrange the words like we did...) [2006-02-22]

11. LeNmark Owners Those people that even when asked if they mean LeXmark, still call it a LeNmark Printer. Even better are those that say it's a LeNmark Computer. o.O [2004-12-23]

12. I have a computer with UBS ports.. I love it when the little starfishs are looking for the UBS cables... I know you need to rope cattle and stuff but I am beginning to wonder if we could do the same with the fishies. [2004-10-16]

13. Repeater The customer that repeats everything you say, including asking the question about something that you just answered, started almost at the point that you've finished answering it. [2004-10-10]

14. Timeless... Is (tech) there? Me: No, he just went on a break, he'll be back in an hour. SF (50 mins later): Is (tech) there? Me: No, he isn't back from his break yet. (Yes, an hour for a break, it's normal here.) [2004-09-30]

Co-Worker Types

Customer E-mails

2. Takes place between Dad/boyfriend and son: "You don't have a computer." (Son: "Mom does...") Dad: "Shutup" [2013-04-28]

3. Overheard on the radio's we use in the store: "I have a customer with a pack of DVD's and she wants to know if she's allowed to put pictures on them..." [2013-01-29]

4. MePotD: Forget the tire tracks, some of them still have the spare tires in there. (was a reference to some folks that ah... have an odor....) [2013-01-29]

5. "That's nice, that's really nice..." Code among some friends of mine for "Go f*** yourself..." or some appropriate derivative. [2012-12-24]

6. CustomerPotD lookin at a skin for the iPad 2/3 and iPhone 4: "Look, it's a 4 skin....." (he actually had to explain to his brother what the joke was). [2012-12-08]

7. MePotD: "There's some liquid spots on the keyboard rest area, hopefully it's just water or spit..." Was on the phone with another tech who just about died laughing. [2012-04-16]

8. BusinessNotD: awholeservices.com (seen advertised on a pickup truck today) [2011-12-20]

9. Overheard: Coworker - How may we help you today? Customer - Well, I'm going to need to use a washroom in a few minutes. [2011-11-19]

10. Seen on the back of a T-shirt: "We get it up... we keep it up..." (note, the front of the shirt had the local firefighter crest and seemed to be a promotional shirt for a crane/something lifting company) [2011-08-18]

11. MePoTD: Like spandex, going out in public in your pajamas is a privilege, not a right. *shudders* [2011-07-22]

12. Co-WorkerPotD: I got my zipper caught on your thing. (He was walking behind me and got caught on the chair, I don't have a lot of space behind me in my techspace and didn't get far enough forward to let him escape by apparently). [2011-05-07]

13. Title of a Yahoo.ca story: Pepsi beings testing a social network vending machine Link: http://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/dailybrew/pepsi-attempt-win-over-coke-drinkers-social-network-193048951.html [2011-05-02]

14. MPoTD: Given this afternoon he'd probably ask me if I was nuts while dialing up the funny farm. [2011-03-22]

15. EndUserPasswordOfTheDay: cock [2011-01-11]

16. ProblemDescOfTheDay: will not install nis and won't seee dick, pop up windows keeps comming up , do spyware and av scan [2011-01-11]

17. "I want it bigger and I want it now.... Oh, that sounded kind of dirty...." She was talking about wanting an XL printer cartridge... then, I don't want to know where she was going with the rest. Seriously.... don't want to know.... [2011-01-04]

18. Will it hurt the notebook if I charge the battery? [2010-11-13]

19. Will it hurt the battery if it doesn't get charged for a week? [2010-11-13]

20. I want the device that splits my internet so I can get my two IP addresses. [2010-08-17]

21. "I'm not a computer nerd, I just know how to use it." Said as she interrupted me explaining how to find out what the size of her picture folder was. [2010-07-05]

22. PasswordOfTheDay: GETFUCKED [2010-06-14]

23. MePotD: Have you had your daily dose of idiot? I have! [2010-05-09]

24. Customer buying a webcam asks, "So when I get this hooked up I have to download Skank to use it?" His friend pipes up before I can think of anything to say to that and mutters to him, "It's Skype that you'd use.." [2010-03-29]

25. EUNotD: Jacob Dick [2010-03-23]

26. CoWorker: "How do I print this web page?" Me: "Click on "file" then on "print"." [2010-03-16]

27. MePotD: going to make up a sign for these people, "If your name is Stu, did your parents forget to tell you about the PID on the end of it?" [2010-03-09]

28. She eats one more buffet and her thong is gonna burst! [2010-01-18]

29. BossPotD: I don't know why I'd use a computer, I have a brain! [2009-11-26]

30. Person on Vent: I have lag out the ass. MePotD: I hope that didn't burn coming out. [2009-11-09]

31. I find a gentleman holding the only trackball mouse that we carry and he points to the trackball and asks, "So this takes the place of clicking?" [2009-09-08]

32. T-Shirt_PotD: C.S.I. (Under each letter) C - Can't, S - Stand, I - Idiots. [2009-07-07]

33. Told my co-worker about the personal stuff comment from earlier in the day and she started listing off what peoples personal stuff could be and she got to, "Well, she could have been making a porn video staring herself." And my comment was, "Oh god I hope not, I really don't want to see Granny Porn, let alone see what she stuffs...." [2009-06-14]

34. EUNotD: (how it was heard by a co-worker) Sender Dinky [2009-05-23]

35. Trouble Ticket PotD - "paper jam suspect may be birdseed inside" [2009-05-05]

36. CaseNotePotD: pop up will not go away - talked to (co-worker) [2009-03-29]

37. CaseNotesOTD: "unit will not get to log on screen , make bad noise" [2009-03-29]

38. Customer to kid: Are you okay? Are you okay little jackass? [2009-03-29]

39. EUNotD: Jim Olsen [2009-03-15]

40. "When he opened the side he got quite intriqued, I of course told him to back off." Oh my (diety), run away, RUN FAR AWAY!!!. [2009-03-12]

41. "I just put it on the counter and it boinked me." [2009-02-28]

42. Quoted new DVD-RW $60.00 and install fee $40.00. Little old lady: "What do you mean it'll be $200.00 to fix my computer?" [2009-02-28]

43. <Staff member> whispers something to on the way into work this morning, "Watch out for the weirdo's." I saw her later in the day and commented back, "You should have warned me EARLIER!" [2009-02-28]

44. MEPotD: "If you want to bury your head in the stand, your a$$ will still be stuck up in the air waiting for someone to come by and kick it." [2009-02-19]

45. MePotD: "If you buy a BigMac, but don't eat it for a month, do you go into MacDonalds and ask why it tastes bad?" (Customer was in commenting that he hadn't installed an old copy of Dragon Naturally Speaking before and it wasn't working and wondered why Nuance may not support it.) [2009-02-09]

46. What's larger than 35mm? Umm.... I don't know how to answer that (UNSAID: without making you sound stupid!) [2009-02-09]

47. "Yes, you just need to push harder." (was a MePotD refering to pushing the latch down on some printer cartridges) [2009-02-01]

48. We went to bed with Vista and when we woke up our PC was 2000. [2009-01-30]

49. Co-Worker pointed an XBox360 remote at me and pretended to push some of the buttons, I looked at it, looked up at him and said, "I'm sorry, but that doesn't turn me on." [2008-12-19]

50. I wish our greeting could be: "Hello, (Store) Computers and Babysitting, we will watch the young and the old, how may I help you?" [2008-12-16]

51. NotD: Randy Cockrill [2008-12-15]

52. Customer: Do you only have the one? (incredulous tone to the question) MEPotD: I don't know if I have more, I stopped looking after I found one. [2008-12-11]

53. Cust: Why is that Toshiba so expensive? (pointing to the 18" Qosmio that's $1600) ME: Amount of RAM, HD, CPU, DVD etc, it all adds up very easily. Cust: Come on, I've been working with this stuff for 7 years (odd little hiccup/burp/laugh). No way, I could see maybe a THOUSAND at best.... [2008-12-03]

54. SF: But my computer was working this morning... MEPotD: If your car hits a telephone pole, do you get out and ask the telephone pole why it's in the middle of the road? [2008-10-27]

55. "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels." <Town> & <Town> Ceptic and Sewage. (As seen on tanker style service vehicle) [2008-10-27]

56. Co-Worker: "I should get ice-sculpture penis' and make her decorate them." (This comment was made refering to a "picky" step-mother of her fiance) [2008-10-08]

57. 4 or 5 year old playing a racing game on the PS3 demo asking his dad what the boost button was: "Dad, wheres the boose?" (Came out sounding like he was asking where the booze was.) [2008-09-24]

58. Customer picking up a repair not yet completed: "I need someone that can service me when I need it." [2008-09-22]

59. MePotD: "Well, look at it this way. If you buy a Coke at 7-11 and then go over to Safeway and see that they are offering buy 2 get one free on Coke. Would you go up and demand your free bottle of Coke because you bought one at 7-11?" [2008-09-20]

60. A coworker and I were discussing another (hated) coworker: "So, if he (the hated coworker) was on fire would you piss on him to put it out?" ME: "I might piss on him, but I don't know if the fire would go out." [2008-09-17]

61. Customer comments: "Sorry, I'm a little fried today." MePotD: "That's okay, we all have those days, some folks even have them day after day..." [2008-08-21]

62. "2 + 2 always equals 4, where the fun is that?" ~ Michael J. Fox in the Actor's Studio on Bravo! [2008-05-30]

63. "I'd help, but you can't fix STUPID." ~~~ Seen on the back of a T-Shirt. [2008-05-17]

64. Seen on the back of a pair of sweat pants: T N A [2008-05-09]

65. More a MEPotD: Hi, (store) can you hold please? SF: Hi, do you have Canon printers? ME: Yes we do, thanks for holding. [2008-05-04]

66. Do you carry the Troglodyte? (Translation: Terabyte external drive of ANY manufacturer) [2008-05-03]

67. "My 'jiggabites' are low." [2008-04-23]

68. "IF YOU TOUCH THESE I WILL TEAR YOUR BALLS OFF" - As seen on the back of repair near the KVM ports. [2008-04-23]

69. CoWorker: "Which version of Word is in works?" [2008-02-14]

70. "So what did you do to finally get it to come up?" (was in reference to not being able to get the TaskManager to show but...) [2007-12-12]

71. Actually the description for a system to be worked on: remove porno, spyware and virus, speed unit up [2007-11-10]

72. More an email addy of the day: angry_masterbater@#######.com [2007-10-31]

73. "I have to go pee NOW!" ~ little boy said in a loud voice to his mom/dad. [2007-10-03]

74. "I blew my load on my fuckin' tablet" (Customer was refering to -buying- one but... really... T.M.I.) [2007-08-25]

75. Email subject: How do I un-French an HP? [2007-08-13]

76. So, if there is no one there you can service me? [2007-08-13]

77. Cust: "Do you have the Nintendo for seniors?" ME (thought not said): *Sure, Etch-a-sketches are down isle 2...* [2007-07-26]

78. Older brother speaking to a younger sister, "You don't hit people there, especially guys." I wasn't sure if I wanted to cringe or applaud the little monster. [2007-07-21]

79. Little kid to his mom: "I don't like you!" (over and over and over... err... you get the idea.) Had to almost bite my tongue not to say, "It's okay kid, we don't like you either." [2007-07-16]

80. CoWorkers email: Please put aside a 100GB ext HD for <customer name> and Ass, they'll be in to pick it up later on monday. [2007-06-24]

81. Me to the same user in response to getting asked why her PC just stopped working: "Not trying to be funny, but its the reason your car doesn't start in the morning. It could be anything and everything not working. [2007-06-24]

82. "My computer has never gone down on me before." (Female customer complaining about her PC not working... but thank (diety) we can't drink around here, was so hard not to laugh in her ear) [2007-06-24]

83. EUNotD: Jacob A. Dick [2007-06-16]

84. Ignorance is bliss or is it being ignorant is bliss? [2007-03-12]

85. I see that one there has 512 mila-bytes....... [2006-12-05]

86. "I'm not going to yell and scream till I know what I'm screaming about." [2006-10-19]

87. "I hate getting caught in small appliances." Actually a MEPotD but in reference to a section of the store that doesn't have a staff member stationed there 24/7.. but ouch... [2006-08-22]

88. "Well, there's no one here, guess we can take whatever we want." ME: "No, that just means the trained attack monkey's can kill you." [2006-08-18]

89. "Can you change this 2 dollars into 6 dollars?" (Little boy asking his mom, at least I hope...) [2006-08-12]

90. Little boy:"I really want this frog, I never get what I want." Mom: "I want kids that listen, I never get what I want either!" [2006-08-12]

91. "Dan's squeezing my pillows!" Said by a female employee in regards to some massage pillows that had just come in. (Yes, multiproduct store...) [2006-07-29]

92. I just installed Oprha on my computer. [2006-07-21]

93. We don't have cable, let alone power at the moment. (Said while picking up the computer from repair... found out moments later that a police chase ended with someone taking out a power pole that killed the power for the entire town there.) [2006-07-19]

94. On the back of a T-Shirt for the new intel duo-core CPU's, "Intel(TM) Dual-Driven". Indeed... and why did we want to know about that part of your life? [2006-06-24]

95. "When you make it bigger it gets floppier." (Said about enlarging something on the photocopier... and yes, it was a sign for work... WHAT?) [2006-06-01]

96. "It's the wrist action." [2006-05-12]

97. What are you watching, oh, Chicken Lickin', errr, Chicken Little. <Said by a customer going over to find out what movie his daughter was watching that was on demo> [2006-05-04]

98. ME: That was a sarcastic "whoohoo", can't you tell the difference from a real one? Boss: I don't know, my <wife> doesn't go whoohoo. Co-Worker: I guess you're not doing it right. [2006-04-26]

99. You're just harassing us 'cause we look like welfare. [2006-04-22]

100. I want a Firewire 2.0 USB cable. [2006-04-15]

101. "Gas with lumps in it." (I'd commented that like a car needs gas, a PC needs an O/S like Windows to function and the customer said this...) [2006-03-24]

102. ME: (Place of work followed with customary greeting). Caller: I wanted to know, ask you, ah, what's today's date? [2006-03-23]

103. I just bought one of your network cards and it screws in upside down. I want all the stuff on the bottom at the top. (Wow... just.... wow....) [2006-03-14]

104. Hi, so I'm looking for, did you get in, I have a umm... notebook and I need an adapter... for ADSL (internet service). [2006-03-10]

105. "I watered my router" I didn't want to know.... [2006-02-20]

106. ME EUPotD: "You had me at wasting time." Suctomer comes in and says he's just wasting time. And proceeds to say that he'd waste it here you see... blah blah blah. To which I thought: "You had me at wasting my time.. now shut up and go waste yours and let me go back to work" [2005-08-19]

107. "I know a guy that can hack into your computer through your modem, even when your computer is off." [2005-07-06]

108. "Don't break a lie like Dad does." [2005-05-20]

109. Can you "dumbier" that down for me? o.O [2005-04-08]

110. "I have these bloggers on my computer" o.O Just stunned... really, just stunned. [2005-02-12]

111. "Talk baby talk to me." [2005-01-25]

112. Roads covered by freezing rain, "The smart thing would have been to stay home today." [2005-01-16]

113. Can you tell me what that special 500 song mp3 cd is called? [2004-12-18]

114. Me: Good after, (Store), may I ask you to hold for a moment? SF: NO, F*** OFF! *CLICK* [2004-09-27]

115. Is there black and white in this ink cartridge? (Actual response: No, the white is on the paper.) [2004-09-26]

116. My boyfriend, who works for (large tech support company), told me I couldn't use normal paper in my HP Laserjet or it would destroy it. [2004-09-25]