Tech Stories

2. DBA self-lart So my boss sends an email saying we have to change the time of a particular procedure from 5:30pm to 6pm. A DBA shoots back "This will effect our Saturday database maintenance; 6pm is during the maintenance window.". My boss replies "I thought the Saturday maintenance window was 4pm-5pm". DBA reply: "Wrong. It's 6pm-11pm. Please see attached for a better understanding of our procedures. Ask [his boss] if you have questions." And what does he attach? A word document that says the Saturday maintenance window is 4pm-5pm. Needless to say he copied ten other people including his boss. Nice self-lart there, buddy! [By: thx1138] Comment on Story Comments The self-lart is only realized if the boss saw it and took appropriate action. Please give us a follow-up, I'd like to hear what the lart ended up consisting of. -Captain Trips So, apparently, DBAs can't read either. Don't DBAs usually make like 6 figures? -Stryker One DBA make 4-5 figures, but think they make 6-11 figures? -docbrown01

3. Oops! part 1 I can't afford a star right now, so this will be in several parts for the sake of your eyes. ...... A couple Fridays ago, I got a joke emailed to me at work. It was very funny but VERY dirty (involving a penis asking his boss for a raise and being turned down). I'm not in the least offended by dirty jokes, but I was puzzled because the sender wasn't someone I know. I looked a little closer, and realized he'd sent it to "Home Office" - the email group for EVERYBODY in my employer's main office. Everybody. cont'd... [By: thx1138] Comment on Story Comments So......what was the joke? Do Tell! -CTYankee Probably a variant of this one http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message509185/pg1 (Site may be NSFW) -Divinar

4. Oops! part 2 Five minutes later, the Outlook "Recall" message showed up - the sender was trying to recall the email. cont'd... [By: thx1138] Comment on Story

5. Oops! part 3 (conclusion) Five minutes after that, an email went out to Home Office with the subject "I so sorry". It seems the sender was deleting some old emails and had hit the wrong button. (Sure. I suspect he was trying to forward the joke to a friend whose name started with "H" and didn't pay attention to what Outlook filled in). He apologized and offered a written or in-person apology to anyone who wanted one. As of last week he still works here and is still a supervisor, but I imagine a substantial LART was involved. [By: thx1138] Comment on Story Comments I've got a gut feel that he wanted to save the joke yet, and decided to forward it to his home e-mail address where he commonly sends files that he wants to work on at home- which he has so clearly named in his "Contacts" folder, "Home Office"! Just picked the wrong "Home Office" and got the distribution list instead, that's all... A mistake that anyone could make- as long as they're already considered to be an ID10T! -Voz

6. I just ruined somebody's call time I started having a weird problem on my work PC this morning. If I try to print from Excel or IE to my default or backup printers I get an error that I don't have permission to use them. But Word prints to them just fine, as does printing a test page from Settings->Printers. Just to make it weirder, Excel and IE print just dandy to the other two printers I have set up (that don't even belong to my department). So I call our helpdesk (outsourced to Unidata) and get whatever poor schnook is in at 6 AM CST. He has me select "Detect and Repair" fromt the Help menu. This (apparently) reinstalls Excel. Well, I'm in Minnesota and our application servers are in New Jersey, and ever since they replaced our T3 with three T1s (or was it the other way around? whichever, they reduced our WAN bandwidth) installing apps has become a SLOOOOOOOW process. So the install box comes up with the progress bar, and the progress bar progresses slowly. Very slowly. At one point the tech asked "What happened?" and I said "It's still installing." I kept this guy on the phone 20 minutes and at least 15 of it was just waiting for Excel to reinstall. So this guy's average call times are going to be crap even though he did everything right. And of course that didn't fix the problem so he sent it to our local tech team. Which sucks, since I leave at 8 AM and the earliest they get in is 7; most don't get here till 9. [By: thx1138] Comment on Story Comments I'm in that guy's position, except I'm allowed to say wait till it asks to reboot and let it reboot, if there's a problem call back, a real lifesaver -NOFXfan Problem is your O.S. and Office software are Mickey Soft. Get a real O.S. - runs for LART shelter laughing hysterically. -TubPorsche No, the problem is your IT gurus need to learn two new words: redundancy and replication. Remote app servers are teh crap. -Gaah

7. Farking Xerox Every month I have to get the meter readings off our two copiers and email them to Xerox; the price of our service contract is determined by how many copies we make. So I go to the copier and notice it's in energy saver mode. "No problem", thinks I. "I'm not making copies. There's no reason it would need to be warmed up to operating temperature just to take a meter reading." Wrong. As long as it's warming up it won't let me access meter readings or anything else in the special features menu. Our Xerox 4635 printers are the same way. If you want to take it offline you have to wait for it to print anything remaining in the queue first, so if it's gone into energy saver you have to wait for it to warm up. But you have to do this even if there is nothing in the print queue. So, if you want to do a clean power-off, you have to wait for it to warm up first. No wonder their stock price has been diving for the last 10 years. [By: thx1138] Comment on Story Comments Ugh, thanks for reminding me, I have to get a meter read tomorrow to send in. -My Cat Athena *boggle* Meter read? You mean you guys have to deal with those *!@# chips. We intentionally buy things that don't have a paper count if at all possible. I'd rather know is it still printing quality instead of quantity. -MaskedMarauder I set our Sharp up to e-mail the count in. :) -maciarc Totally different kind of printer, MM. We have an ongoing service contract with Xerox and the impression count is used for billing. These are $100,000 printers roughly the size of four dishwashers. -thx1138 "You touched the screen! Please wait five minutes while I make indeterminable whirring noises." We used to have two Document Centers - great when they worked, but also great at crumpling paper. -smellystudent

Customer Misconceptions

2. Client (a hospital) misconception: it is perfectly reasonable to tell us to email you a spreadsheet containing patient data without even protecting it with a password. HIPAA is optional. [2011-09-14]

3. Client Misconception: when replacing an expired RSA token, it is necessary to issue us a new user ID. It is impossible to associate a new token with our existing ID (even though that's what you did last time). Naturally, our new ID doesn't have the correct permissions set up. This client is a well-known web-based business who I really wish I could name and shame without getting fired. [2011-04-07]

4. Client misconception: telling me you didn't receive a file is synonymous with saying you received the file but it was missing some information you were expecting. [2011-01-26]

5. Client Misconception: PGP is a generic term for any kind of file encryption, not the name of a specific encryption standard. [2010-08-25]

6. Client Misconception: If they tell us "We didn't get your file. Please re-send it", we will know that they really mean "Your file was formatted incorrectly. Please fix it and send the fixed file." [2009-12-04]

7. Coworker misconception: an FTP site we access with CuteFTP Pro is a "Cutepro website". [2009-03-05]

8. Manager misconception: A software product that is designed for automating file transfers (and works very well for that purpose) will be well-suited for general purpose automation. [2008-04-18]

9. Coworker (in another department) misconception: You can name files used by automated processes whatever you want. The computers will know what the files are and what to do with them regardless of how they are named. [2007-11-20]

10. I can reset the password for your laptop, when your laptop is not connected to the network. Sure, I'll get right on that. [2007-08-20]

11. That "unlock" and "reset password" mean the same thing. [2007-06-04]

12. Coworker misconception: There is no need to inform me that the time-sensitive print job is running late today. I have nothing better to do than stare at a terminal screen while hitting the refresh key for half an hour. [2005-02-04]

13. This is a Boss Misconception. That I will continue to exceed expectations when there has been a freeze on merit-based raises for three years. No incentive from you means no effort from me. Also, that I will work hard on my Individual Development Plan when I know damn well this company will not have any new job openings in this state, ever. [2004-08-11]

14. If you want to reduce your division's printing costs, it makes sense to assign this project to the division that operates the printers rather than the people in your division who are ordering the printed output. [2004-08-04]

15. That I can help you back out of a massive change to your batch jobs. Even though you didn't bother to inform me of the change in the first place, let alone share any details. [2004-07-21]

16. That a monitor is called a "terminal". This is actually my boss. Always calls monitors "terminals". OK with me, I can translate boss-speak in my head, but when a monitor died on one of our PCs he took it on himself to contact TS. Poor techs hunted all over the building for a replacement dumb terminal (nice to know it's there; we actually use a terminal connected to the mainframe), then they got up to our area and discovered we needed a monitor. Of course they dealt with me, not the boss, at this point. Another time the monitor died on the controller for a Xerox 4635 printer. Xerox tech scheduled a parts delivery. I wrote an email to my dept: "A monitor and three new cooling fans will come in Monday." Monday the boss asked me "Are they going to replace that terminal too." "Yeah, didn't I put that in my note. Oh, right, I didn't use your own private language". He also calls our Lexmark printer "Lemarks". Probably thinks it's French. [2004-05-17]

Tech Rules

2. If your new schedule requires you to work Sunday nights, every concert you want to go to in the coming year will be on a Sunday. Looks like I can get the day off for Heaven and Hell (Black Sabbath with Ronnie James Dio); no such luck for Nas. Rush is too far off to tell. [2007-04-04]

3. Pasting the entire path of a .bat file into the address bar of Explorer and then pressing enter will execute the batch file. Oops. [2007-03-19]

4. If the jammed paper you are pulling out of the 4635 has pieces of melted rubber stuck to it, you will be placing a service call to Xerox in the near future. [2006-07-28]

5. Fire Alarm! I will not let the lunch I just bought get cold because some idiot burned popcorn in a microwave. Yes, I heard the alarm going off. Yes, I will assemble in the parking lot, or maybe just go for a walk, but not until I finish this ravioli. Fark off. [2004-08-18]

6. Just because your fancy Thermos can keep coffee hot for 24 hours doesn't mean it will keep it tasting good. Blech. [2004-07-07]

Customer Types

2. The Meddler Makes changes to a stored SQL procedure, and compiles it - while we're running it. On a file that we've been trying to load for two days. [2012-06-29]

3. Manager Type - Santa Claus This manager type wheels a flatbed cart into our work area full of booze. Hands me a 12-pack of Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale and a giant cans of mixed nuts and says "Happy Holidays!". He's a right jolly old elf. [2010-12-30]

4. On-call programmer Says "It won't hurt anything if you run that step again." Turns out it did hurt something. Which turns me into another coworker type: "Fixes things he's not supposed to because on-call programmer is an idiot and he'd rather fix it himself than call his boss and have to explain the whole damn thing all over again." I might get in trouble, but my fix worked. [2007-04-10]

5. Asks for help, but doesn't take it Backstory: I'm a print operator for a large life insurance company. Ten months or more ago we noticed larger than usual output volumes for one business area. Didn't think much of it until they contacted us. Turned out they didn't need it and could I please have it turned off? The reason it was printing at all was because of a mistake they made, but I don't fault them for that: my employer is notorious for laying people off without bothering to train the people who will take over their duties (or even documenting what those duties are). Probably no one knew the procedure. Because of their mistake I couldn't just turn the unwanted output off, but I told them how to fix the problem (basically by following the procedure they should have in the first place, but I put it more politely than that). I didn't hear anything back but their volume went down so I assume problem solved and don't think much of it (NMFP anyway). <br> So tonight I come in and notice a much larger print volume than normal for a Thursday night. I check and sure enough it's for this area. It briefly occurred to me to put all the output on hold and send them an email asking if they need it or not. Briefly. Then I decide, to hell with it, I gave them a solution (almost a year ago!) and offered them help beyond my job responsibilities, they chose to ignore me, they can eat the $600 in printing charges. High print volumes are good for my job security. I'm not going to mollycoddle someone who was too lazy to do their job and implement the very simple solution I offered to them. <br> The environmentalist in me feels a little bad about the wasted paper though. [2005-03-04]

6. Speakerman Conducts all phone conversations on speakerphone, even though he is in a cubicle, not a private office. [2004-10-29]

7. Must be nice to have an unlimited budget I just submitted a change request that will cost my company $1500 per week. Early in October they moved a chunk of work from my location to a site out east, then laid off most of the people here who had been handling the work. Of course even though my area prints the work no one bothered to inform us or the print shop it was being transferred to. OK, we dealt with that as it's pretty much standard procedure to keep us in the dark. Well it turns out the execs underestimated the volume of work and the specialized training it needs; the staff out east can't handle it all. You'd think the solution would be to transfer some of the work back here. Too easy. They want to print DUPLICATE copies of ALL the work in both sites. Each team will decide what site will handle what on a daily basis and THROW AWAY THE REST, essentially doubling their print costs for this project. Even though it means more revenue for my department I felt obligated to point out the increased costs and suggest some alternatives. No dice. {fills out change form and submits; fills out form to cash in stock options and submits} [2003-11-07]

8. Read your email! This isn't exactly a tech story, but then I'm not exactly a tech. I'm a mainframe comp operator working with Xerox laserprinters. This morning someone was missing a print job. I never figured out where the original went, but it was easy enough to request a rerun via email (standard procedure). As always, I cc:ed my supervisor on the rerun request. The rerun team was on the ball and processed it right away. As always, they responded via email (again cc:ing my sup) to tell me it was completed. I responded back (again cc:ing my sup) thanking them for the rapid service. An hour and a half later my sup asks me "Did you ever get that rerun?" [2003-07-22]

9. The Complainer Complains about anything and everything in a whiny voice. She usually starts the day with "It's cold in here" and it goes downhill from there. I don't care about your problems with Excel! I already told you I couldn't help you. Yes the latest memo from managment is stupid and insulting. What do you want me to do? No, I don't think it's that big a deal that the hamburger you got from the cafeteria didn't taste very good. What makes it worse is she never actually calls someone who could maybe fix whatever her problem is, she just whines to the people unfortunate enough to sit near her. [2003-06-18]

Customer E-mails

EUPOTD (End User Phrase of the Day)